Ground Rules And First Round · 12:40pm Jun 2nd, 2013
Hi, everyone! Mike Teavee here, great to see you all, and thanks for tuning into Divided Rainbow! (At least... I hope you've had a chance to read Divided Rainbow before coming here. Otherwise, you're probably going to do a lot of head-scratching the further along you read.)
Since the whole 'Ask A Pony,' craze seems to be the big 'in thing' for bronies to do, I figured 'Why not?' and threw my hat into the ring to try it for myself and see what all the fuss was about.
Thus: Ask the Swapped Ponies! As long as you guys keep asking enough questions, we'll keep answering them! But first, let's set some ground rules!
ONE: 'ASK THE SWAPPED PONIES' IS ACTUALLY A LITTLE BIT OF A MISNOMER...
...But a fun one; one that works in all you questioning questioners' favor! In the same way TV Tropes is not excluded to television, Ask The Swapped Ponies is not excluded to the Swapped Five. Oh, by all means, ask the Swapped whatever you please! But you're ALSO free to ask questions to Lero, or Twilight Sparkle, or Spike or Apple Bloom or Discord or other characters, (once they appear in this story. As of this writing, we're up to Chapter 10 with 11 on the way, and we HAVEN'T exposed you to the ENTIRE cast!) or even me, myself; Mike Teavee!
In fact, it might be more efficient to list the character who WON'T be answering your inquiries:
1) Princess Celestia: Her Glorious Solar Majesty of Equestria is aware that her popularity's taken a nosedive ever since sending a particular incomplete spell to Twilight Sparkle, which very nearly resulted in the wholesale ruination of her faithful student's happiness, sanity and personal life. (Not to mention putting the world at risk by scrambling the brains of 5 out of 6 of Equestria's brave first-line defenders.)
As such, the Princess has opted not to take questions from persons who would just as soon see Twilight, Lero, and the rest of the Element Bearers put her down like Old Yeller. We here at Ask The Swapped Ponies have chosen to respect Her Highness' wishes.
2) Princess Luna: As a show of solidarity with her sister.
3) Star Sparkle: Between traveling to exotic locales, drinking, and getting it on with fine-looking mares, Star's not the best mail correspondent. You're welcome to try, though. Who knows? You may get lucky!
TWO: POST YOUR QUESTIONS DIRECTLY INTO THE COMMENTS BOX.
Please be sure you specify which character you're addressing the question to, (otherwise we won't know WHO the answerer should be.) You're also free to ask a question to an entire group, (such as all five of the Swapped, or Lero, Twilight, and Spike. As long as you spell out WHO the question is meant for.)
THREE: THIS IS A SPOILER-FREE ASK SITE.
We reserve the right to deflect, stonewall, and pretend certain questions had not even been asked in the first place, especially if they pertain to important spoilers to the Divided Rainbow storyline, or are disrespectful in tone.
...Well, I think that about covers it! Let's open the floor to some questions! Ask away!
Question 1: WolfeTrax Asks:
Are they aware of their swap when they answer the questions? Or not?
RAINBOW DASH
Huh? Swap?
Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy all look at each other blankly.
RAINBOW DASH
What's this about a swap? What's this guy talking about?
APPLEJACK
Not ta be disrespectful or nothing, but it sounds ta me like this feller's been eatin' some of the same bad grass that Twilight must've ate the night after them vandals busted mah door!
FLUTTERSHY
Ooh! Speaking of swaps, stop me if you've heard this one, girls! Okay, so there's this wife and she's reading a newspaper while having breakfast with her husband. "Listen to this!" she says. "Some stallion tried to swap his wife for a season ticket to the hoofball stadium!" They both burst out laughing, and the wife says, "You wouldn't swap me for a season ticket, would you?" And the husband says, "No way! Season's more than half over!" Ha ha ha ha ha!!!
Question 2: SpinelStride Asks:
Dear Swapped Rarity: How do you look in a Wonderbolts uniform?
At first, Rarity looks a bit hesitant, but then finally smiles diffidently.
RARITY
Well... I normally don't show this off to just anypony... but you have such a kind, trustworthy face...
She goes into her bedroom and shuts the door. A few minutes later, she reemerges in the outfit, fluttering her gossamer wings.
RARITY
I don't think there's a single pony who was born and raised in Cloudsdale -- the way I was -- who hasn't dreamed of flying with the Wonderbolts. At least once in their life, anyway. I was certainly no exception. But of course, conjured wings don't count for much with the Bolts. It's probably just as well, though. Their admittance standards are stringent enough for those with natural-born wings. Who knows how hard I'd've pushed myself if...
She lets that thought trail away.
RARITY
It's strange, though... I gave up on becoming a Wonderbolt very early on, as soon as I understood that I'd never actually have a chance with them. I should've grown out of this silly phase ages ago. And yet... here this uniform is, in the back of my closet.
She smiles at you.
RARITY
At least I look good in it, wouldn't you say?
Question 3: SpinelStride Asks:
Dear Spike: Seriously, dude, try to talk Twilight into mind-swapping you with Lero until Rarity has her head on straight. Then at least you'd love the mare you really love and Rainbow Dash's displaced love would be double-misplaced onto a gladly willing target. Or is the death glare she'd give you not worth the effort?
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
No way, Spike!
SPIKE
But this could be my one and only chance to be with her in SOME way! PLEASE, Twilight!
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
I absolutely will not do anything of the sort!
Poof! Discord suddenly appears.
DISCORD
But I will!
Spike pumps his fist.
SPIKE
Awww, yeah!
LERO
What?! No! Discord, I already said I didn't want...!
But Discord just leans in closer, locking his hypno-gaze upon the human and dragon, whose eyes go all swirly, until...
SWAPPED SPIKE
Oh my God! I'm naked!
SWAPPED LERO
Oh my gosh! I'm clothed!
As Swapped Spike dashes out of the room, Swapped Lero strips off all his clothes.
SWAPPED LERO
Whew! That's better!
RARITY
I'll say!
Rarity's suddenly there, waggling her eyes at Lero, who waggles back. Twilight watches this all in stunned dismay. Spike reenters the room with a towel tied around his body, toga-style. He scowls and points at Lero, tail thumping the ground in anger.
SWAPPED SPIKE
You! You'd better have a DAMN good explanation why all my clothes now look like they're meant to fit your body!
The naked human shrugs.
SWAPPED SPIKE
I don't know WHAT kind of prank you're trying to pull, but it's gone far enough! Go to your bedroom!
RARITY
(lasciviously)
Well, Lero, you heard him!
They race up the stairs. Spike and Twilight are appalled to hear tickling and giggling behind the upstairs bedroom.
SWAPPED SPIKE
Hey! Hey!
He runs up after them, hammering on their locked door.
SWAPPED SPIKE
Stop that right now!
They just keep at it; tickling and giggling. He runs back down to the shell-shocked Twilight.
SWAPPED SPIKE
Do something! I know Rarity's not right in the head, but this is cradle-robbing!
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
(incredulous)
"Cradle-robbing?"
SWAPPED SPIKE
Yeah! He's only a BABY human!
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
Uh... no, Spike. The one thing I'm sure he's NOT is a 'baby human.'
SWAPPED SPIKE
Come on, Twilight! You know it hasn't been THAT many years since you hatched Lero from his egg!
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
(slowly)
Spike? Lero... is... a... mammal.
SWAPPED SPIKE
(after a long bit of thought)
I've been swapped, haven't I?
Twilight nods.
Question 4: SpinelStride Asks:
Dear Lero: Which do you prefer, wings or stake? No, that's not misspelled, and it's not talking about dietary preferences.
Spike is on one of Twilight's reading couches in the library. For lack of a better outfit that fits him, he's dressed as a pirate captain: an old Nightmare Night costume of his. As the noises of Rarity and Lero's tickling gets louder, he shuts the door, and takes another draw from his bottle of beer. Twilight sits next to him with her own bottle of beer.
SWAPPED SPIKE
(turns towards us)
I suppose I ought to be the one to answer this, seeing as how I'm now the one who's... who's holding Lero's soul and memories and all. I'm not REALLY the dragon I think I am.
Spike lets out a beer belch.
SWAPPED SPIKE
(flat-toned)
'Wings or stake,' huh? Well, pal, since you're curious to know whether I go more for unicorns or pegasi... let me remind you that I enjoy both. I remember when everything was sane... I had just as much fun with Rainbow Dash as I did with Lyra and Twilight. The four of us were all at it for days on end whenever the heat struck.
Next to him, Twilight shudders, and downs her own bottle.
SWAPPED SPIKE
(miserable, near tears)
Poor, poor Dash. All alone with all those nasty animals.
Sighing, Spike puts his beer bottle in the trash bin, and hops off the couch.
SWAPPED SPIKE
Well, Twi, think I'll be hitting the hay. Don't stay up to late now, okay? I'll keep the bed warm for you.
He rises onto his tiptoes, places his hands on her cheeks, and kisses her full on the lips.
SWAPPED SPIKE
Love ya, babe.
He leaves the room. Twilight looks like she's about to have another episode of hers.
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
First Rarity, now Spike, first Rarity now Spike firstRaritynowSpike... who's next? Shining Armor? Princess Celestia? My birth-mother?!
Question 5: SpinelStride Asks:
Dear Pinkamena: Since bucking doesn't seem to be working so well, have you tried using some other source of percussive force? Some sort of cannon, perhaps?
We're at Sweet Apple Acres, staring at a lone apple tree.
KABOOM! CRASH!
A cannonball shoots through the tree, severing it at the trunk. It crashes to the forest floor, leaving only a stump. Pinkie Pie chuckles vindictively as she loads a new iron ball into her Civil War-era cannon.
PINKIE PIE
Ah TRIED being gentle. Ah TRIED to just knock yer fruit off yer branches with mah soft lil' kicks, but that just weren't GOOD enough anymore, were it?! Naw, ya'll went 'n' made me bring out the BIG GUNS!
She fires her cannon again -- BOOM! -- Another tree goes down!
GRANNY SMITH
Pinkamena Diane Pie!!!
Pinkamena looks over her shoulder, past the great orchard of felled apple trees and barren stumps, at the faraway figure of her 'grandmother.'
PINKIE PIE
What's up, Granny?
Question 6: SpinelStride Asks:
Dear Discord: As long as things are off-kilter anyhow, can you give Rainbow Dash an outlet where she can put aside Fluttershy's shyness and enjoy the spotlight for a while? She could dance, in a white polyester leisure suit, say. Bring more Disco RD into the world!
It's exactly as SpinelStride describes it. A mirror ball shines over the party hall, and everyone's out on the dance floor: Discord, Rainbow Dash, and all her animals. On top of her white polyester leisure suit, Dash has styled her mane and tail into rainbow afros, as has Discord. For just this night, all the critters' bitterness and enmity towards Dash has been set aside, as they surround Dash and Discord who sing and dance and bop to the beat, clapping their paws and talons to the funkadelic beat that Angel Bunny the DJ plays.
RAINBOW DASH & DISCORD
Now everybody move!
Get a little something got to do!
So better believe in...!
-- Better believe in! --
....Better believe in yourself!
Now everybody move!
Get a little something got to do!
So better believe in...!
-- Better believe in! --
....Better believe in yourself!
Question 7: Warpd Asks:
Rarity: What drew you to the strange human?
RARITY
Initially? Well, there were a couple things that first drew me to my prince. The first was his kindness. I'd see him when I was walking around town on my weather patrols, always doing his best to help ponies, and work hard, and make a good name for himself. There wasn't a soul he wasn't nice to.
She sighs in fond remembrance.
RARITY
The second -- and I hope I don't come across as condescending when I say this -- was the fact that he was such a fish out of water. The poor dear would be making faux pas after faux pas, all around town. Sometimes, ponies would laugh at him. Other times, they found him startling. After a while, between observing his acts of kindness, and observing each faux pas of his... I finally just had to take the dear under my wing. And this was all long before any sort of romance or erotic interest even began to blossom between us.
Rarity yawns tiredly.
RARITY
Perhaps, someday, I might tell you the story in full, but for now... I must turn in. Lots of weather to see to, tomorrow. I'm sure you understand.
END OF ROUND ONE
[Re-posted here in case we're moving]
Dear Mike: I feel like Rules 1.1 and 1.2 were crafted especially for me.
Oh, and here's a vote for "fix Lero and Spike." Ick. Now, what can I ask that won't be a spoiler....
Dear Twilight: Princess Celestia has given you many mysterious tests and missions over the years, and you always seem to pull things off even when she doesn't give you all the information you'd really need. Have any of them ever turned out badly? (Smarty Pants doesn't count.)
Dear Twilight, Lyra, and Lero if he has any info on the subject: The Elements of Harmony seem to be at the core of any plans to deal with existential threats to Equestria. Back when Celestia and Luna were taking down evil kings and the like, they had access to the powers of the Elements. Now that the Elements are tied to Twilight and her friends, do the princesses have some sort of contingency plan in case one or more of you six are somehow incapacitated?
Dear Lero, with all the madness, the is going on, have you check that your job is still the intact? Perhaps the spell or Discord make you accept Aloe and Lotus offer and now you are a world famous massager. Also a have 2 micro questions in this regard.
1) Have any of your herd mates has go to your job and order a "special" massage at some point?
2) Have you ever massage or would massage one or both princesses? They are very stressful they sure as hell could use a god level massage dude.
Dear Discord,
Im curious, with the state everything is in what are your thoughts on celestia in being surprisingly chaotic with her actions and sending Twilight that book And effectively making the elements harmless?
Dear Rarity: You look absolutely delici—, er, stunning! Yes, stunning in your Wonderbolts outfit! Knowing your desire to be a Wonderbolt, would you consider giving up your job as a weather pony if you were offered a position as Official Spokespony?
Dear Lyra, I have two questions for you:
1) Clearly you have a very special affinity for your beloved human, Lero. Would you ever consider bringing another human stallion into your herd?
2) Is it true that you are always out of bubblegum?