Iron Man 3 is full of plotholes

(I wrote this last night in a notebook after watching Iron Man 3, I read it again this morning and wondered "What the fuck was I on?"

Essentially, it's a massive rant about all the plot holes in Iron Man 3, and I'd thought it would be a laugh to see how much of a nerd I actually am. By all means, don't bother reading if you don't want to read by my terrible math 3 sides of A4 worth of my nerdy bullshit.)

You know that when I bust out the school supplies at precisely 9:52pm on a Saturday that shit has gone down and as such my thoughts need to do the same in order to stop myself exploding. I think I should probably introduce the cause of this sudden need to write so to not seem so unreasonable, as difficult as that may be already. I just got back from watching Iron Man 3, don't get me wrong, it was a great film, but it was full of plotholes.

I've had to switch pens as I channeled a lot of my rage into that previous full stop, breaking my other black biro, my first one I broke yesterday whilst fucking around in French, period 4. I digress.

I'm not sure how I want to structure this rant. The two clear options are to rant chronologically, or to examine a subject plothole one at a time. After deliberation, I decided on the latter, as I can probably make more sense if I do even though this is a rant and I probably won't make much sense anyway. Understand that? Exactly.

Anyway, I'm going to start with how this links to Avengers Assemble. Actually, all of it in a way links to the Avengers, so I may as well just complain about how the canon of this makes absolutely no sense anymore.

Right, for real this time, here I go. So there is big terrorist threat, and Stark says on international television to "bring it." I can understand that Nick Fury at this point is thinking "Stark's got this, let's not worry." But when there are headlines saying "Stark Presumed Dead" or even when the Presidency is directly involved, SHIELD doesn't give a single fuck. I can't tell you how many times I expected Captain America or at least Romanoff or Barton to come along and at least make an appearance. I know the film is called "Iron Man 3" but they didn't seem to care in the prequel when the Black Widow came in and started to fuck shit up. It's also been made perfectly clear that SHIELD doesn't just deal with extra-terrestrial threats as demonstrated perfectly by the first two Iron Man films and the beginning of Avengers Assemble. In fact, you could even argue that "The Mandarin", who by the way, should've been a total badass and being fucking shit up with the Makluan Rings, was using alien technology as he practically had an army of people who could melt shit with their hands and blow up in 3000 degree explosions, and survive. Now we know this tech wasn't alien, but SHIELD didn't know that. So, Nick Fury and doesn't give a single fuck when the President and the entire crew of that aircraft are dead? Nope, doesn't care. (of course you can say that they weren't actually dead, but again, SHIELD didn't know that.)

Next plothole. Broke my pen again, brilliant. Let me talk about the quote unquote "House Party Protocol". What we saw here was proof that all the versions of the Iron Man armour were capable of flight and combat (or as I put it bluntly in my notepad, "fucking shit up") under the control of their own inbuilt J.A.R.V.I.S. Now this includes every suit from Mk CaveStory onwards. This makes we wonder why all the suits that were constructed at the time didn't do the whole "house party" thing when the Chitari descended from space hell through a portal opened up by a norse god. It's not like Stark could've sent an empty suit up into space hell with the nuke rather than risk his own life, right? Nope. That would be too easy. He also could've done this when Chopper Attack Squad Mandarin was blowing his house up, considering that the suit vault survived anyway. Next!

Going back to the inbuilt J.A.R.V.I.S thing, there is a bit of a flaw with the way it works. When Stark's house explodes, he is taken away by a flight pattern set by J.A.R.V.I.S, who "dies" when the suit runs out of charge. To be expected, nothing running J.A.R.V.I.S OS is active, therefore J.A.R.V.I.S shuts down. However, going back to the whole "house party protocol", which J.A.R.V.I.S is Stark communicating with? Each suit clearly has it's own J.A.R.V.I.S system, as demonstrated by the Mk 42s valiant escapade. However, Stark simply says "J.A.R.V.I.S, bring me a suit." and the nearest active suit just flies to him. This suggests that all J.A.R.V.I.S installations are connected to some sort of central J.A.R.V.I.S mainframe which shouldn't be one of the suits in case it shuts down, right? Wrong, there is clearly no J.A.R.V.I.S installation at the new Stark Industries building, why they chose that stubby little thing instead of Stark Tower is beyond me, so there is no way the mainframe is there and Stark's house blew up, taking the J.A.R.V.I.S installation with it. This means that the central J.A.R.V.I.S is a suit inside of the suit vault. Why?

Moving on, if it was so easy for Stark to get rid of that shrapnel in his chest through a simple operation, why didn't he just do that rather than worry about being poisoned by the palladium powering the electromagnet in his chest in Iron Man 2?

Finally, why did Stark blow up ALL of the suits and then dispose of the thing that apparently powers them. In fact, why does he plug in his suit when the arc reactor in his chest powers his suit for him? If it was possible to leech the National Grid and power the suit then why did Obadiah Stain steal the miniature arc reactor in Iron Man 1? But anyway, now Stark is completely useless until he makes a new suit, and SHIELD now has to get one of Thor's big Viking bastard mates to act as a temporary replacement.

(Brace yourself, this is the worst bit)

Don't get me wrong, I loved the film, this is just me getting my thoughts down so I don't hyperventilate or some shit and the die. I'm also debating whether or not to put this on Facebook.

This is also why if I ever (emphasis on that word) get a girlfriend, I'll never take her to see a Marvel film as she'd dump me the day after because I'd spend the rest of the day calling Marvel out on whatever bullshit there may be. DC is the opposite however. I care so little about the DC Universe and their precious Justice League that Wonder Woman could fly into the Sun and die in one film and be magically alive in the sequel and I wouldn't give a flying fuck.

I just realised I've spent nearly 4 hours writing this, how nerdy am I? Actually, don't answer that.

I would also like to apologise for the fact that if you have read this far you have wasted your precious time reading a fifteen year old's moany bullshit.

Anyway, I'm going to see the new Star Trek film soon, hopefully it won't make me overthink myself like Iron Man 3 did.