Back From The Effing Theater · 6:12am Mar 17th, 2013
*crashes through large temple doors, dashing straight to the nearest cogitator*
*powers on its holy engines, begging its spirit for forgiveness of its hasty use*
*frantically lights incense and begins pounding the runes on the interface*
Jack the Giant Slayer! DON'T FUCKIN' GO TO IT!
Tell your friends! Tell your enemies! Allow no other living soul to be tainted by this filth, no matter how much you despise them!
How could I describe this Warp-damned thing that barely passes for motion picture?! Where do I start?!? Can its terribleness even be put to numerical value?!?! All the great, ancient logic engines across the Imperium could be churning away simultaneously until I crumble to dust and still couldn't figure out just how much this movie SUCKS!!!!
It's as if the director had been lobotomized and programed with every trite, overused, awful cliche. In. The. Damned. Book. Couple that with, oh Omnissiah help me, Jack was wearing a fuckin' medieval hoodie! Nice machine-stitched shirt and jeans ya got there. What, ya get that at Ye Olde Hot Topique? And then there's bitch-face. Boy, she can scream. Can't do much else. That includes acting. The rest is poor attempts at humor involving stupid slapstick dumbfuckery coupled with disgusting bathroom jokes, plus bland, predicable characters with no interesting plot twists anywhere to be found. Just a long, straight, two hour road that will leave you cringing until you puke.
*huff... puff...* Sorry. I had to get that out.
I learned from this. I truly did. I now know not to attempt anything like this ever. I just... I still can't believe I paid for that...
Sorry to bother you. I'll just go back to writing and have a little preview for Lyra in Gotham in a bit. I'll be starting that after Name's Ellis is done.
I am sorry that you had to see that unholy horror Mago5. But take comfort that you have spared others from this Warp Spawned Terror, The Holy Inquisition shall hunt down this abomination and no doubt add its name alongside other warp spawned horrors.
So you decided to go with the Lyra story then? Any chance that we'll see any other of those ideas you posted?
As for the actual story, will it acknowledge to rest of the DC Universe? Two of Bruce Wayne's best friends (whether he admits it or not) are an alien and a Greek demigoddess. With the Justice League, he encounters stranger things than a mere talking unicorn on a regular basis.
Gee, thanks MAGO5, for your infinite, rage-induced advice. I was gonna take my mom to see this for her birthday, but I think I'll take her to some war-torn city in Croatia instead. Judging by your masterfully woven tales of woe, it would be a better birthday present. I am a little disappointed that Ewan McGregor is in such a bad movie though...
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It won't be Lyra as a unicorn. No, it'll be quite different.
And yes, it will have other DC Universe characters like Superman, Martian Manhunter, Green Arrow, the Teen Titans, etc...
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GREEN ARROW
Bitch-face is my new favorite word.
I shall use it responsibly.
Yes, that's fine and dandy, but WHAT ABOUT UPDATING ORK IN EQUESTRIA?!