Happy Birthday To Me (Rambling) · 4:51am Feb 24th, 2013

Another year older, another year down the drain.

Funny how that even though I'm 16, this thought legitimately jumped into my head the first time I was reminded that my b-day was drawing near. I don't know why, but I inherently hate birthdays with all my heart. I hate other people's birthdays, but more importantly, I hate my own. This hatred began far too long ago when one of my birthday parties at the local LaserTron was ruined by one infamous Nicholas Kabalon (but that's a completely different story as it's far too long to explain here, much like most of my life really (again, this is all another story)), and ever since that delightful bastard did what he did, life really got more and more bleak as time went on (or, to put it another way, I began to look at things with my 'realistic' goggles on).

I don't know, I just hate the thought of celebrating all the time that's past. If anything, I want to forget it all! I don't really want to look back and reflect on my (seemingly very short, but still depressing/pathetic in many ways) life. When people say 'look at your strengths and successes', I can see a few things that I could pat myself on the back for, but then a miserable slideshow of all the other shit I fucked up starts playing in an endless loop in my mind.

It's weird, I almost relish my pathetic life. Like in Chuck Palahniuk's "Haunted", where the writers went out of there way to torture themselves, all for the good of their stories. I could almost relate to that, now that I'm reflecting.

Now that I'm really reflecting, I could look at just about every problem I've ever had in my life, and if it wasn't purposely caused by some sadistic fuck who had it out for specifically me, then I can confidently say that I've had some part in it. "All life's sorrows are my own creation; the same is said for my love", that's kind of what's happening; at least, that's what I think is happening. And if the human gene really is selfish, then isn't that the only thing that ever should matter?

One of the most recent examples I could probably give where I wouldn't have to explain much is my "Motherly Love" debacle. When I look back on all the things leading up to it; the inner feuds, and what started them; what I would always notice was that somewhere in that line, I was standing there, almost watching as it all slowly unfolded onto me. And then, when it hits me, I'm surprised! Isn't that beautiful?

Like I set up a complex system that would smash me over the head with a hammer, forget about it, and then when I'm injured, I act shocked, and look for others to blame. But in reality, it's all me. It's always ever going to be me. Whether or not I accept that simple, little fact, it will stand true and tall. It's always going to be me.

Maybe, this is just me being so terribly self-centered that my mind needs to make subtle and unreasonable connections to all my problems so that I am somehow at the forefront, or maybe, this is a just rationale, and I've improved myself just now by coming to that. But, what is for sure is that I really hate birthdays. Especially my own.

Well yeah, this has been me blogging after sneaking some things that I probably shouldn't have and... it's comforting. You know, I never really have time in the day to sit down and think as deeply as I did right now. And I feel damn good at the moment. Maybe we should do this again some time soon. But until then,

Peace.

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