EQD first response to "Arachnophobia" and the lost chapter of "My Rooomate is a Lycan" · 6:38am Feb 10th, 2013
Response:
Dear Dennis the Menace,
Thank you for taking the time to submit this work to us here at the fan fiction desk at Equestria Daily! It is good to hear from you again! We apologize that it has taken so long to get back to you, but our staff is overwhelmed at the moment with an obscenely long submission queue.
We went through this story and found it quite humorous. We are more than a little concerned about the abundance of needless parenthesis, single-line paragraphs, and alliterations and onomatopoeia (such as long strings of capital E's). We do, however, concede that such things are part of the pacing of such a work, and is part of your writing style. Is there anything that could be done to rein in such examples, though, as they feel awkward, and draw the reader out of the work.
Our primary concern is how out of character Celestia is made to be. Atticus certainly has gotten under her skin, but the reader is left to wonder why. The idea of Celestia reacting as she has tends to fall over into the unbelieveable. The reader must be given some way of rectifying their canon understanding of Tia with the one you are representing. A deeper submergence into her psyche than you've suggested would certainly help, and would be a great way to add some more humor.
This is not a bad story in any sense, it simply presents the reader with certain hurdles. In it's present form it is a good story, but it could be great... and we post great stories, as you are aware. This is the story's first strike, and we wish you the best of luck with your revisions!
She grinned, a pair of fangs poking out from her mouth. Her slitted golden eyes flashed, and I could have sworn that I'd seen a forked snake tongue. She tossed her head, blowing her short spiky cobalt mane.
I opened my mouth, ready to let out a bloodcurdling scream. Then I stopped. I paused, and cracked open an eye. A friendly face grinned back. A pair of golden eyes, a deep amber color with slits for pupils. A toothy smile, a pair of sharp canine fangs poking out from her lips. A coat dark as night, sort of. Cute ruffled ears.
“Hey.”
My ear perked. “Hey?”
She reached down, offering me a hoof. I hooked my hoof around hers and pulled myself up.
“Hey!” she said again, smiling a little wider. “Nice to meet you!” Her wings suddenly sprang out and made me flinch again.
I let out a cry. Pegasi had a tendency of doing that, talking with their wings. But these weren’t your normal, run-of-the-mill feathery wings. They were bat wings that rustled like leather when they unfurled and folded. I could count the number of bones she had in her wings when they were outstretched. Her skin was stretched across thin. It was eerie.
“Nice to meet you too,” I started, “um?”
“I’m the goddamn Batmare!” she squeaked, making me jump again.
I frowned. “Really?”
She giggled. “No. I’m Nocturne.”
“Nocturne, huh. Vinyl Scratch,” I said, extending a hoof. “So, are you a…”
“A bat pony?”
“I was going to say Night Guard, but sure, bat pony,” I blushed.
Nocturne puffed out her chest, standing with her head tilted with her nose in the air. “Luna’s Night Guard, 5th Battalion, at your service!”
“Where’s the cool armor?”
“I don’t wear it all the time, silly,” Nocturne giggled. “I’m a huge fan, Vinyl Scratch.”
I was pretty sure this was coming from the mare standing solitary in the corner of the room not dancing, but I believed her.
“What’s your favorite song?”
Nocturne stumbled. “Huh?”
“Your favorite song,” I repeated, my voice trailing off. I shouldn’t have put her on the spot like that. “Never mind.”
She scrunched her nose and sniffed. “Do you have a dog?”
Dog. Canine. Wolf. Lycan. Octavia. Secret. Promise. My thoughts had become shorts bursts, sporadic key words. I froze. There was an awkward pause in the conversation as I gulped, clenching my jaw.
“A-A dog?” I shook my head. “No, no!”
Nocturne sniffed again, leaning a bit closer. “Are you sure? The nose knows.”
Did all these Night Guards have hyper sensitive senses or something?
“Pretty sure,” I lied.
“Been ‘round any dog parks lately?”
“N-Nope!”
This was starting to seem less like a conversation and more like an interrogation.
Nocturne squinted her eyes in a vicious look, as if testing me. I realized how dangerous she was. These Night Guards, heck, even Royal Guards themselves, were all trained soldiers.
Then she smiled again. She threw a hoof around my neck and gave me a playful nudge.
“O-kay, Vinyl Scratch. See you ‘round. C’mon Apollo.”
Apollo?
“Of course,” a low, mellow voice rumbled beside me.
I didn’t even scream. My skeleton only jumped out of my skin when a stallion with the same coat and eye colors as Nocturne appeared next to me in a shadowy wisp. I was most definitely intimidated. I cowered a little bit. His expression was unchanging and almost lethargic.
“Bye Vinyl,” Nocturne said, waving. “Gonna keep an eye on you.”
“Stay safe, Vinyl Scratch,” Apollo said. “There are things that lurk in the night.”
holy heck, they actually told you what was wrong? First time for everything
Fuck Equestria Daily. The reason I hate them is because they are so god damn elitist.
813516 No, they told him what they didn't like.
They suck the dicks of well known authors, and bash the brains of nameless noponies.
That's EQD for ya.
813526 I'm just so used to authors complaining that they never get explanations for the reasons their stories were rejected that I found it remarkable when reasons were given.
"A deeper submerge into her psyche"? I'd understand that more if Arachanphobia wasn't a random comedy fic, which it is. People don't need a reason to be afraid of spiders, we just hate them! I didn't have a psychological problem with them ever, I just want to crush any that cross my path! But ah, what are you going to do? I loved that story; so hilarious.
I'm really sorry to hear that, man. I know it's a big thing to get on there, but I'll say that me and lots of other people already love your stories on Fimfiction, so hope this doesn't get you too discouraged.
Oh! Oh! I know where you could've gone with that fic! There could be an evil cult of vamponies that worship Luna and murder ponies in her name and that's why the bat ponies were involved, there would be a confrontation with the guards and Octy, then they would work together to defeat the cult and then Octy and Vinyl would smooch. The end!
I kinda just pulled this off the top of my head...
It's for reasons like that that i refuse to edit anything for that site.
If at first you don't succeed, write a scathing criticism thinly disguised as a fic. *nods*
813578
This guy gets it.
I'm intrigued solely by what perception the pre-reader considers the readers' 'canon' Celestia would be to react so quickly to something. Discord got a quick reaction out of her, Pinkie Pie surprised the hell out of her a few times in S1 and S2 with those "WTF" faces and that one time with her look of 'NOOOOOOO", and her ability to wield hate/darkness at will, and her distrust of Discord.
And course her Royal Canterlot Voice usage in Lesson Zero to reprimand Twilight. She sure wasn't too pleased with Chrysalis' attitude either and showed a bit too much arrogance in thinking she could beat anyone. Oh the look on her face when she got over powered *dreamy sigh* ever so priceless.
With all that I would what would disturb my canon views of Celestia that is within that story if you would be so kind to share with me/us.
813553
Go ahead and write it.
813526
"The writing style is somewhat jarring" and "The main character overreacts beyond what is a believable response to phobic stimuli, making her seem OOC" seems a bit more of an objective criticism than "didn't like". Especially since they said they liked it right off the bat.
EqD is really shit about this stuff.
I've only read one good story from their 'top of the line' fan fiction posts. The rest rank from garbage to meh.
You're kinda missing the point here if you complain Celestia is out of character.
What really bugs me about EQD is that, if you try to show a character from the show in a new light, they want you to keep them specifically within their own character and show their change over time or through their psyche. Using Celestia as an example, she appears the perfect ruler. Patient, forgiving, yet she inspires fear in her subjects (thrown in a dungeon in the place she banished you to, etc.). Portraying her as anything but requires a lot of writing to elaborate why she has changed and may even change the purpose of the writing.
Denis, I love your writing style for the very reason they have problems with it. It is fun, a true joy to read, and (most importantly) it is original. I have seen very few authors write like you do and still hold my attention throughout the entire story (My Roommate is a Vampire had me anticipating the next chapter's release). You write it as if the character is narrating it themselves, sitting beside the reader and walking them through that moment in their life.
Also, while getting featured on EQD is a great honor ( one I hope to achieve some day), it is also not a proper way to judge your writing skills. If they approve of your writing, great! If not, look to those who have been following you despite the "flaws" they say it has.
Sorry. Usually I am not this long-winded. In short, Forget them cause they do it to everyone, and know that I enjoy your stories.
Have a pleasant day!
Yo. that new pic reminds me of a chineese grandpa. because i chinee
Not bad, not bad at all.
for some reason I can't find "My roommate is a Lycan" Not even google seems to want to find it
813527 They suck the dicks of well known authors, and bash the brains of nameless noponies.
No, no dick-sucking is had. Dennis is a well-known author. I've heard that even pre-readers sometimes get their stories rejected.
813675 What really bugs me about EQD is that, if you try to show a character from the show in a new light, they want you to keep them specifically within their own character and show their change over time or through their psyche.
That is the problem with this rejection. This is a farcical comedy, so this rule should be stretched. Each EQD pre-reader is different, though.
813631
I didn't say that they just said they didn't like it. I said that they said what they didn't like, not what was wrong with it. I don't think the objection is a valid critique of this story. It's a farce, and it shows how the sisters act when no when else is around, which the show has never done.
It is important to remember that a rejection from EqD is really just a rejection by one particular pre-reader.
813613
nah, I'm just an artist...
Well then, I'm willing to BET they'd hate my new story, The Threat.
Considering it paints Celestia as a racist tyrant, at worst, and a xenophobic genocider at best.
814120
But it's obvious that the prereader knows about Dennis. The emails I got back from EQD were much more blunt and critical.
814120
Well that's just a difference of opinion then. I think it's entirely possible for those 2 issues mentioned to be both objective criticisms and subjective dislikes. When I read this story I had the same impressions: funny, odd style but suited the comedy, and Celestia was more OOC than I considered reasonable which made me enjoy the story less. So I may be biased due to my agreement with the review.
As for her "behind closed doors" personality, while it is not unreasonable in theory, it is still a heavy deviation from established characterization and that is a legitimate consideration in my mind.
Also if a story is being rejected for issues other than outright ineligibility for posting or significant obvious technical flaws, the primary prereader, as far as I know, always gets a 2nd and sometimes 3rd opinion on the story and their critiques before making their decision, whether to accept or deny.
EQD can kiss my ass, and they better pack a lunch because i have a fat ass
813613 and 814120
As an EqD pre-reader myself, I'll happily admit that we have our points (and the three full Gmail threads to prove it) that we disagree with each other on fics.
That being said, we have rejected each other's stuff. We're even more brutal with each other than we are with you guys.
This seems to be a running theme for your blog entries these days. It's a bit sad that they focus so much of phrasing and typos when it's the core of the story that really should matter. I also noticed a little typo when I skimmed EQD's reply "In it's present form it is a good story, but it could be great"... Can you give them a strike for a change?
Anyways, you're a brave man and I love your stories, I hope you the best luck dealing with these elitist hypocrites
Is that what a response looks like? Man, I've been wondering...
814051
He deleted it.
As in gone.
Forever.
Well that explains the where... but I'm mssing the what, whem and why
813524 You're my big goddamn hero.
i.qkme.me/3qeuz2.jpg
831202 8 people don't think so.
831479 That's because they think Equestria Daily is a
piece of goddamn shitgreat site that's ran with consistency and responsibility.817207
814523
"I'm sorry, but this response is unacceptable. Not only is the wording awkward in a couple places, you have a non-possessive in a place where a possessive is needed. The good news is, this is only your first strike, so you have plenty of time to consider your MORTAL SINS AS YOU BURN IN LAKES OF FIRE AND BRIMSTONE.