SSR: Rap Settlement · 11:08pm Jan 15th, 2013

Do you know the joiful glee which you feel minutes before going into a heavy surgery, like, say, arthroscopy combined with HAVING YOUR FUCKING LEG BONE SAWED APART? The amazement of knowing that there's a small, but existent possibility that you will wake up without the ability to walk, a leg, or your dick. If you do wake up at all. And if you do, you're going to be walking with fucking sticks for the next two months, drugged to hell, dealing with physicals - in other words, people who wished they'd studied something useful - and, worst of all, fucking hospital clowns. Granted, I am going to be 18 by the time that happens, so I might be able to circumvent it. But seriously? Why? I hate clowns, especially hospital ones! Did so even before my realisation of the truth within cynicism! So yeah, you know that feeling?

On that note, here's Rap Settlement.

Music! Wait, what the f- Oh well, scientific method with some spectacle, I guess.

You know that usually, I am far too good on fics. Also this time around. I was willing to forgive this fic a lot of things, partially because it's written by a close friend of mine who finally got his arse to express his writing ta- wait, nevermind. Misread that user name.

So we start out with YET ANOTHER BLOODY retelling of an episode... did I catchphrase that yet? Fuck it, now it is a phrase! So we start out with a YAROAP. Sigh, dear noob authors, one thing. It's stupid and doesn't even serve as the free padding you obviously meant to achieve with it! In fact, it's the equivalent of jumping onto a moving band wagon, except you miss and land in front of it, but it's stopping at the station, so basically you just made a huge fool out of yourself.

That pattern fortunately breaks very quickly as Shadow Haunter, the red/black alicorn pony, proposes that they simply have a rap battle to settle this dispute. And yes, I worded it that way intentionally to equalise the loss of niveau. Now, honestly, I think that rap battles are a far underappreciated media. Imagine if WW2 had been settled simply by a battle between Churchill and Adolf Hitler (who'd win?). Hell, I'm listening to some as I type this. In an incog window. Alone, in a dark room, behind locked and barricaded doors. Only the very best, some that actually has substance. And ERB. And burning my hardware afterwards.

What I'm trying to say is I guess this can be great, if done right. Hell, just look at the dude who gets a free spot in feature whenever he pulls the plug from his arse and poops out yet another chapter. So is it actually done right? Short answer, no. Long answer, nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

I actually feel like I can't blame the fic for it, though. And you'd best hope that I finish this review quickly, because the painkillers are wearing off. You see, given the type of show this is, the type of rhyming that you see is just appropriate. If this was fucking Dora the Explorer! Now go home and back to your rhymebook!

That is, until late RD rap. I don't know, I must've napped off (due to pain AND painkillers) and missed a few turns, but somehow, we ended up at FUCKING AWESOME! Or perhaps I'm just indoctrinated towards pony nurses. I wonder why.

That combined with Pinkie Pie's rap just absolutely sealed the deal. Yeah, eat it, bitch! You can't rap against that! Like to see you try!

The thought just occured to me, it'd be a quite nice idea of me to formulate this review entirely in raps, wouldn't it? Well see if I give a shit! Seriously, I've already done senryus, what will you ask for?

What? Oh yeah, the fic. Welp, Rarity goes up, tries to excuse herself, and gets raped. Or so I thought. It seems that this fic is better than I thought. My Shit Sense isn't functioning. Perhaps I should finetune it towards r63. Remember back in my review of the Magic Duel? Yes, I haven't been able to pull a voice crack like that since then. Except just now. It's not too far a thought, though. After all, everypony loves having batteries shoved up their genitals, don't they?

After... that... Rarity does go on stage, where she fails even worse than RD. Yeah, better luck next time. Perhaps you'll be able to actually fuck your way up! Also, what's the point of censoring with buck when you say fuck literally eleven words after? At least he's not trying to substitute wit with excessive swearing. That's my thing!

And then everypony died. Christ, now he's even stealing my endings!

In conclusion, *Insert rants about description and characterisation here*.

What walks on four legs in the morning, two in the midday, and three a little after noon?
Midnight "Toraka" Lullamoon

Ooh, look, I just felt it kick! Ffffuck, my joint kicks. In all given situations, that's a general indicator that you should probably feel really fucked.

Coming soon to a hospital near you, Toraka the amputee!

Report Toraka · 213 views ·

Comments ( 3 )