I fucking love spiders (also, new story coming soon) · 12:55am Jan 8th, 2013

No, I'm so fucking serious right now. I fucking love spiders. When I'm an eccentric billionaire, I will pay a team of scientists to genetically engineer a three foot wide, sentient spider. I will name him Steve and he will ride on my back like a knapsack. Steve and I will go everywhere together, and he'll be able to walk around anywhere he wants. He won't even need a leash, he'll be so well behaved.

Steve and I will go into the coffee shop. I will order my iced coffee, and the baristas will throw themselves against the wall while asking, "What the fuck is that thing? Did Cthulhu make it with a demonic octopus from Eight Legged Freaks?"

And I'll reply, "No. This is Steve, my three foot wide talking spider. He was genetically engineered by the group of scientists that I contracted due to my being an eccentric billionaire. He doesn't even need a leash, he's so well behaved."

And the baristas will reply, "Alright, then. Hoorah for Steve! Provide Josh with a lifetime supply of free coffee!"

Balloons rain down from the ceiling, covering me in confetti. I will walk out of the coffee shop with Steve at my side; we'll each give the other a knowing smile.

Steve will speak to me in the low, menacing voice of a gangster. He may sound dangerous, but he wouldn't hurt a fly. He'll look up to me as we walk back to my Bugatti Veyron and say, "Yo dawg, thanks so much for bringin' me to life. I've had a blast hangin' out with you at coffee shops and goin' to big, billionaire parties and clubs with good lookin' women."

And I'll tell him, "Of course, Steve. You're one of my best friends in this world. Now, let us ride off into the sunset so we may do other expensive things that are complete possible in real life."

And Steve will give me advice forever and be my best friend. Though he is an arachnid and has a shorter lifespan than I, our lifetime together will be beautiful and unforgettable. Even when his many legs lie stiff in a coffin at the end of his life, I will stand over his peaceful body and say, "Steve, rest well in the afterlife. You spent these many years as my best friend, and I shall never forget you."

His casket will slip into the warm earth, and even as the funeral dirge rings through the trees of San Diego cemetery, my life will remain changed for the better.

The End.

Also, I finally finished something (a bit shorter and a much different style than I usually produce, for reasons I can't talk about just yet) that I'll be posting as soon as I can get the cover art.

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PegasusKlondike

PegasusKlondike #1 · Jan 8th, 2013 · 2 · ·

Dafuq did I just read.

Doxkid

Doxkid #2 · Jan 8th, 2013 · · ·

688062

Look, just be happy he loves spiders and doesn't...love spiders.

The internet has some dark places. I have the pictures saved...

PegasusKlondike

PegasusKlondike #3 · Jan 8th, 2013 · · ·

688074 But if he had a team of genetic engineers and scientists capable of making an intelligent talking spider, why not use that technology to make something everyone can enjoy? Like a pony?

Doxkid