Sun Never Sets by crownofdissonance [1st chap] (Recommendation-style short-review - for fics I would recommend, but for flaws with the format that can be sorted with editing) · 10:31pm May 12th
Overall. Sword-wielding, leather-clad, Sunsexorcist
Best lines:
The woman turned her head, a set of piercing blue eyes with vertically slit pupils glaring back at them. The skin on her face was deathly pale, [with] blackened veins showing through []and []a set of sharp, fanged teeth. A power radiated from her, one that Flash recognized immediately.
"How rude!" The demon's eyes became angered, and her tone was stained with an odd echo. It was Rarity's voice, mixed with a scraping demonic voice, and it sounded quite different speaking in such a sinister tone. "This area is off limits to customers!"
"And what would you know of fashion?!" The demon moved closer to her, challengingly, nodding towards Sunset's clothes. "Look at that ragged old coat, and in such a garish color- bright yellow, ugh, that looks terrible on you!"
"Hey, it compliments my hair!"
The demon opened her hands up, and in a flash of white light, materialized a set of eight oversized sewing pins in them. Their tips were razor sharp, and each had a white diamond on the end.
"I think you'd look better in a bloody red!"
"You missed," Sunset said[.] "Think you might want to take my measurements first?"
[...]
"Not necessary, darling. I'll cut it down after I'm finished!"
Why read? in-character wit; great villains; good dialogue; focused narrative; thrilling; appealing AU
Flaws. The writing, while good, could be sharper, especially on the action sequences.
Writing Tips Language efficiency (eg blackened veins showing through it, and she bared a set of sharp, fanged teeth); em dashes not hyphens and use spaces; [_HR] to create line-breaks; proofing - one or two missing words; punctuation of expressive utterances (eg bright yellow[?] {U}gh[.] [That]); your dialogue is good - sometimes excellent - but could be improved (pony writing guide great for this): complete sentences for said tags (eg "You missed," Sunset said[.])
Action Tips This is good, but could be sharper (eg Sidestepping, with less breathing room than she hoped Sunset tried to swipe{d}, across stepping into the strike more, but the demon swiftly and smoothly floated away again).) Fewer clauses within sentences (more periods) "and then" phrases are one clause (no comma), greater use of inference rather than technical description
[When] [m]ore pins materialized
, andhe kicked the nearest work table over and dove behind it[.] [T]he pinspiercing through it and[came] to rest [mere] inches fromdigging intohis face.
When more pins materialized he kicked the nearest work table over and dove behind it. The pins came to rest mere inches from his face.
Final thought. The customer is always dead.
