Excuse Me While I Vent To Release The Pressure · 12:29am April 26th
This might just be the result of an exceptionally bad day week month decade, but:
Blog Number 258: "I Could Just Kick Something" Edition
Let me get this off my chest.
I hate the fact that, as an aspiring novelist, I only ever managed one novel in thirteen years, and that it happened during a year (2018) that started off with me at my greatest and ended as a bitter, collapsing, utterly demoralizing disaster.
I hate the fact that I've been getting worse since then. Three stories a year is pitiful.
Heck, I hate these recent long months of not getting anything published. It's just plain embarrassing.
I hate coming up with umpteen different ideas, coming up with enthusiastic plans, and then struggling to write a few thousand words of actual prose before the whole thing screeches to an ugly halt so I end up wasting all that time.
I hate not having an ongoing popular pony show (i.e. G4 at its prime) to latch onto. It feels so dead around here.
I hate looking at the last thirteen years and thinking, "That's it?"
I hate the number of times I've hit the exact same problem and moaned about it in blogs. Can I just get the hell out of this rut, please?
I hate having a vicious spike of envy the moment I spot any fanfic writer getting what I only wish I had. It's gotten so bad that it's become a necessary reason for me to stop reading other people's fanfic work (the few times I tried didn't go well), and I hate that too because it's so petty and mean-minded and unhealthy, and yet I still get the vicious spike, and I want to be better than that, and it bloody kills me.
I hate failure and incompetence, especially my own. At least other people are outside my jurisdiction.
I hate coming onto this site with the aim of writing a blog daily, and then thinking, "No one wants to hear it" and shutting it down before it gets anywhere. You think my blogs are long, imagine if I didn't have that block.
I hate not understanding why I keep screwing up.
I hate getting nowhere.
I hate feeling confused and lost.
I hate this cycle of "Hey, I think I've cracked it!" followed eventually by "Damn, not again!" over and over and over AND OVER.
I really.
Frigging.
Hate.
WRITING!
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
Ahem.
Deep breath...
OK, venting over. Just needed an outlet. Now to try and figure a way out of this nonsense that works short-term and long-term, to make sure it's either cured or alleviated. Umpteenth time's the charm, right? 🙄 There has to be some way, somehow.
Anyway, that's all for now. Impossible Numbers - figuratively speaking - down and out. Not permanently, I hope, but... yeah, it's been that kind of day.
Relatable!
These moments make me remember this among other things (timestamped)
, but elaborating on this might only worsen your condition.
Creating is pain. Following your inner vision is a struggle. And yet, I believe, persisting is worth it, despite all intrusive thoughts, roadblocks, and self-doubt.
I hope that you will take it more easy, 'cause it seems the only right way. Be chill and walk your path to the set destination, or give into the feel of the road. Latch onto what makes you passionate. Do it for yourself.
Hang in there, man!
I'm dissatisfied with my extreme lack of art and writing lately, so I get it. Have you just lost the energy to do these blogs lately because of IRL busyness or has the fanfic stuff just felt too repetitive to you? Or perhaps, have you done it so much that you just lost passion for it over time? I know those reasons are why I've lost artistic motivation.
Hey some of the best writers release even less than that. Tolkein only published 6 fiction books while he was alive.
It's ok to vent and release sometimes.
It sucks when the pursuit of what is supposed to be your live becomes a chore.
Just change the word 'writing' to 'programming' (something I have always loved, supposedly) and you have my life.
I hear you man.
You're not alone in feeling bad about the craft sometimes!
yeah, I feel every word of this ;_;
I definitely get this. I have stories I've been working on for years now that I just cannot go anywhere with. Stuck with no idea how to fix them.
Thanks for the encouragement, everyone. I'm embarrassed it got to this point, and I'd much rather steer away from breakdowns and towards better news, but it is what it is. Still, always good to hear from well-wishers. It helps keep things in perspective, you know?
OK, one-on-one replies next:
5778189
I see your point, but: surely not this much? To get an idea of how I see it, it's not like playing a video game and then getting briefly stuck on That One Boss till you either crack it or find a handy playthrough. It's more like loading the game and it crashing on the start menu 99 times out of 100. I think I'm not doing it right.
5778193
Hanging in there. Sorely tempting to let go at times, though. Especially when it's been this rough lately.
5778195
I feel like it's the opposite problem, in that I get too overwhelmed by my own projects or too invested in their success and failure. Between my trying to make it work and my perfectionist tendencies, it's an "unstoppable bullet versus immovable shield" situation.
5778199
Generally, I try not to compare myself with other writers, and not just because of the envy problem: I've been told, and find it easy to believe, that people are just too different to be so easily put in convenient boxes.
I do try to compare my current performance with my past output, though, because at least then I've got proof that some things work. The 2018 comparison was because that represented (up until it crashed in the end) the standard I aspire towards.
Maybe I'm being too overambitious, but part of me is convinced it can be done. It's just figuring out how, even though recreating the past seems harder than I'd hoped.
5778245
Normally, I resist doing it because I don't like the idea of dumping my problems on other people. Alas, I do give in to temptation occasionally. I'd rather look for a practical solution, which might work in a more mundane craft but is harder to do for creative writing.
You have my sympathies. I never did have the technical nous to get into IT beyond everyday use, but I find it easy to imagine the subject's super-complicated.
5778249
Part of me wishes I was. As the saying goes, I wouldn't wish this on my enemies. It's wretched at times.
Still, it's at least a relief to connect with other people who are in the same boat. Not that I want to make a narcissistic habit out of complaining about writing, but I must admit the sight of these comments when I came back lightened the load a little.
5778260
Yeah, writing's a bitch sometimes, ain't it? :C
5778268
I know, right? I have one that's over eleven damn years old by this point, and it's far from being the only project haunting me. It's something else I'd like to get off my chest.
At this point, it seems more realistic to admit to myself that I'm never going to tackle most of them, so it's best to prioritize. Easier said than done, I can attest to that, but the logic's at least a landmark on the roadmap while my emotions drive me crazy.
My aim's broadly to get a "slow but steady" habit going. Not a lot on any particular day (I've had a random tendency to binge-write, but it's never been sustainable), yet just enough to accumulate a respectable output over a year. The course is set; just gotta break in this dang mustang.
Aw man. I sympathise so much, and relate not that much less, to be honest. Not all of it, but the "No one wants to hear it" impulse of random blogs in particular hit me harder than you might suspect.
And the writing… well, you know what I've been working on since November 2020 and still don't have ready to show? Yeah, that.
Don't really have much advice, given my own struggles. I'd say maybe set your goals a bit lower and more contained, least for now, but I know you well enough to know that won't fly. So… let's wade our way through these difficulties in parallel, eh?
5778269
Hey, I won't pretend that I totally know how to deal with this -- after all I'm not even a good/prolific writer by any merit. But, regarding how everything 'screeches' for you, well... comparison with the video games is too casual. This thing goes beyond simple hobby, right? Sometimes you can't just ride into it on a high horse and then throw something at the wall and let it stick. Sometimes, it's more like an exercise when you are working your mental muscle, and maybe you just happened to cramp yours.
I prescribe consuming quality content out there (not children cartoons, something stimulating), and less worrying. 💊
Get the feeling like you're new to it, release the tension! And who knows, maybe then whatever clot you experiencing would be gone, and everything will flow again.
Been in that darkness. It clings to my heels. Projects and ambitions and art unrealised.
Wish I could offer any practical advice, beyond 'endure, lurch back into consuming if you can, and blether to professionals if it's something you suspect might be mitigated by medical means'. Beyond that, solidarity.
5778269
so it's like troubleshooting modded Minecraft?
Hope you feel better. Venting is a part of life! Get what's bothering you out, look at the pieces, figure it out, and move forward. It's still good to remember, "We are our own worst critics ". Grim ( from "The Grim adventures of Billy and Mandy " and "Animaniacs") " There I said it! I feel better "......
5778287
This is why I never committed to a release schedule. My whims just ain't that cooperative.
Not sure I checked in recently enough about that. Are you at the script-writing stage, or have you moved on to the prose-expansion stage?
Really, the trick at the moment is to avoid letting the pressure build up too much. That can't be healthy, can it?
5778308
The weird thing is that the individual elements work (planning, writing, editing, and so on), but
never[EDIT: not often] in sync. It's getting it all into place for consistent output that's the goal. I know I can do it because I've done it before. Just figuring out how I did it, or if I need a new technique these days if too much has changed since then.Oh, for clarification: the video game analogy was less about the casual approach and more "going through a run and facing obstacles as and when they come up". Like an obstacle course you don't have to leave the couch for, basically. That's kinda what writing feels like at times.
5778328
"Solidarity, Reg." - Monty Python: Life of Brian (cracking film, by the way
)
Thinking about it pragmatically, I have been trying some writing exercises recently. One thing I've noticed is that there are often long gaps over days or weeks wherein I'll just write nothing at all despite getting plenty of spare time to do it. Maybe it's a stage fright effect wherein I just shy away from the spot, or maybe my perfectionism leans too much into obstructionism ("I don't feel 100% today, NO DICE!"). Couple that with the pressure-building-up metaphor, it suggests simply writing more often and encouraging myself to feel more liberal towards it would act as a psychological pressure release valve and as a safe rehearsal all in one mixed metaphor.
Other thing is, I've wondered if my larger focus on all kinds of background characters has been an advantage (because it's easier to flit to a second if the first one isn't working out) or a disadvantage (with no central anchor, my focus is too diffuse to get a grip on anything for long). And I do have favourites. Maybe picking one of those and sticking with it at every step would be better than jumping between projects at the mercy of my confidence? Continuity breeds familiarity, and familiarity breeds... I'm gonna say confidence.
"Too Long Didn't Read" Summary: working on it.
5778347
I'll have to take your word on that, as I never played it. Which meant that JanAnimation video "Don't Mine At Night (Pony Parody)" way back went completely over my head.
5778367
If nothing else, self-suppression is a good way to stress out further, though neither do I want to make venting a habit. And boy oh boy, "we are our own worst critics" hits hard, man. That is so true in my case.
Can't say as I'm 100% yet, but hopefully May will prove to be a smoother ride. As I mentioned earlier in this comment, trying some writing exercises (either daily or as close as I can practically get) to test a theory about my methodology. So yeah, fingers crossed it works. 🤞