I was able to identify a few reasons and things might be looking up..... · 12:40pm Dec 6th, 2023
My shock about her sudden leave is lessening and I can think clearer again. I was able to identify a few reasons why she suddenly blocked me without warning.
Yesterday, I have made a new Steam account in an attempt to contact her. A non-pony Steam account, that reflects something she is very interested in and has great passion for and also something we have been spending time together with. I won't show the account here, because this is a private account just for me and her and seeing it would give away private things that only I and her are allowed to know about. But there has been a bit of a struggle in her lately, about an interest I have and an interest she has, particularly related to art (all safe art), and she is sometimes insecure and nervous that I won't accept her anymore with a certain, new direction her interests have went into.
I realized this is a reason for the sudden blocks, yesterday, when I woke up. I made the new account and designed it in a certain way that reflects her interests to demonstrate her that I am okay with her choice and that I even like it. I added a reassuring message to it to explain it all in detail and to hopefully ease her concerns, to make her understand I accept her in every way and that I still like her just as much as before.
I also bought Garry's Mod again with this account and played a little yesterday, with add-ons that reflect her new and big interest. I recorded this game session, took a few screenshots and created a savegame. It was fun and also eerie, getting chased by a big, towering and barely illuminated pokemon on an SCP Foundation map was scary:
I hope to show this to her eventually, if she lets me and things get better.
And when waking up today, with my thoughts a little bit clearer and me being a little bit calmer once again, I realized a second reason. There's..... been a quote tweet I wrote in response to someone else on Twitter, a few days ago, that was a little insensitive and I said something in this tweet that unintentionally hurt her, because it acted as a trigger for her. I won't tell you what that tweet triggered in her or what the tweet was about, because this is also private and just for the two of us to know and knowing what was said in the tweet would allow to draw conclusions why this tweet was a trigger for her. So I will not talk about the content of the tweet. What I said reminded her on something that happened way back in her past, long before we met, but I will keep it at that. The rest is private. I deleted this tweet just now and I sent her a message about it.
I also changed my Twitter banner again, to another one that is safer for her. This new banner also reflects my prevailing mood and mental condition at the moment very well, Scootaloo being all alone and lost in a snowy wilderness, while still being about Winter and fitting for the season. I feel cold like this right now, on the inside. But that's only a side thing. The most important is that she will feel better about this new banner on my Twitter account than about the previous one.
In the morning, after waking up, is a time when epiphanies and realizations often come to me. It's also a time when I often get new story ideas spinning in my head. This time, on the last two mornings, the realizations of two things that cause problems for the friendship with my friend came to me. And I hope more than anything these realizations and how I reacted on them and put them to use, the way I am reaching out to her, will help fix this and bring us closer together again. Or, if there is no outright fix, that this will at least be an important step forward.
I don't yet know if there could be a third reason for her blocks, if so, the realization will come to me eventually while I think about all this. But for the time being, I am feeling more hopeful that we can fix this problem together and move forward from it into something better, in a way that keeps our friendship intact and us together, after figuring out these two reasons. Perhaps, in my deepest hope, even in time for the holidays, which I know neither of us likes to spend alone. But this is reaching ahead and I need to wait what happens and see.
So, today, Squiddy is in a mixed mood:
The happy face is poking out below the unhappy one, giving a symbol for the hope to a better future for us and that we can resolve again what is ailing our friendship at the moment. Identifying a problem is the first step to solving it. I wish for nothing more than us being together again before the holidays.
Hug