My story, and why writing MLP leaves me now.... conflicted · 2:23am Nov 17th, 2023
I think my last post was brief, so I might as well go into some detail here about my story, why I started writing mlp fanfic, and what is happening now.
A little over one decade ago, I graduated from college, and was ready to take my place in the world. I was ready to get out and experience life.... but life suddenly got in the way. My parents suddenly began to grow ill, and it wasn't long before they could no longer take care of themselves. So being the only devoted son, I put my life on hold, and came home to take care of them; cooking, cleaning, bathing them,getting them to doctors appointments. I had to give up most of my time with my friends, cut back to part time at work until I eventually had to quit my job, and basically centered my life around them. For the past ten years I barely went out, and my parents became the center of my universe.
Being trapped at home most of the time, I soon discovered anew MLP show had debuted on Hub. I enjoyed watching it (thoguh obviously not as much as the growing brony movement that existed at the time) and decided that iwth noting else to do with my spare time, I spent over a decade cranking out a multi generational pony Saga that spanned multiple generations of the brand, I took care of my parents, and in my spare time I tried to build an MLP fanfic universe unlike any other. I used my knowledge from earing abachelor's degree in history to try and worldbuild a pony universe that made sense- though that didn't always work out. Those chapters I wrote were in between changing dirty adult diapers, cleaning up after them when they made messes, and taking care of two adults like they were children. I can't tell you how many long bus rides I made up to the VA clinic in the big city with my father, or over to my mother's doctor's office.
My time on here was my distraction during those years- writing and reading stories, talking with people, making a few friends, and... some interesting moments with a person or two on here 
. My writing reflected my inner feelings; Paradise Oasis, a re-imagined G1 pony, was what I would have been as a pony; my better self, bright and hopeful and optimistic, believing in the fairy tales we all watched on TV as children. Positive and seeing the best in everyone. Torado Firehooves was the darker side of my true inner self; Traditional, inflexible, dogmatic, and consumed by doubts and racked with guilt over the loss of his colt, Drummer. It's the same guilt I felt with feeling powerless to help my parents, and how I can't shake the feeling I should have done more. Pony is hard for me to write, because the characters in the so-called firehooves cycle are a reflection of my life and me. Many of the incidents in the narrative are life events from MY narrative. That's why it's so hard to write pony, and also why it's so hard to just let pony go.
Sadly, this past year both my parents lives ended- my father to dementia, and my mother to a resurgent breast cancer ans a blood clot. With no siblings or romantic partner, With few distant relatives, only one or two friends who spend a little time with me, I am left with an empty house, cats, and haunted by my memories.I will be alone this holiday,with only the memories of happier years to comfort me.
How can I now return to writing pony, when I so associate it with the two people I love the most, and have now lost. My heart feels so conflicted, but perhaps writing pony will help me. I may not be going anywhere at all,.
I just don't know....
I am sorry to hear about all of this. Sounds like you have had a rough life.
I know that saying "I'm sorry to hear about this" is cliche, and doesn't usually work. But, I have no other words. Hope you can find something to do with your life that means something to you, whether that means staying here, or leaving here. And that you are able to move on.
Life can get better.
Yeah, sorry to hear about all of this.
But if you need some time that’s fine, we aren’t going anywhere.