Isolation Pt. 2; Packing my Bags · 9:27pm Aug 13th, 2023
It's 10:52 PM, the weather outside is clear and I feel like I'm burning alive in the heat. I'm not too used to temperatures even a bit higher than normal, and installing Air Conditioning in my house would make little sense as where I live it's only needed for a grand total of about a month every year.
I want you all to know you are great, people. Like, I know this fandom can be annoying and, quite frankly, sometimes a bit disturbing, but personally, I haven't met pretty much anyone who'd be part of these fringe hate groups or whatever. Everyone I've met - and I am quite secluded, so this is by no means objective - has been very helpful and welcoming. I appreciate that, I really do.
I didn't - and still don't - want to write this blog. I'm about to get the title of attention seeker and/or drama queen for this, because I keep repeatinng myself, but I also feel like I've hit a roadblock. Some flashbacks and traumas from three years ago are coming back and I'm not too eager to face them again. I keep writing blogs about this over and over because it's not resolved, and to be honest I'm really craving interactions with people, which is something I don't get much on here lately. Now, I want to talk a bit about why that is so important to me, but first, I need to add a little disclaimer...
There are a few people - more precisely, three of them - who might end up thinking that me feeling this way is because of their actions. I won't name them, of course, but if you are reading this and feel that way... please don't. Please. I can't stress that enough, this isn't a result of anything you have done. It's just something that happened kind of by itself, so to say; I myself have somewhat relapsed, and neglacted contact with the closest of friends. Other than that... coincidences and accidents happen. Feeling like I caused you to feel bad over this would be incredibly saddening to me, so even just for my sake, try not to blame yourself. I know better than anyone how hard that can be, and how tempting guilt-tripping oneself might be, but... try. You mean the world to me, and I don't want to hurt you in any way ever.
So... why is this site so important to me?
Well... it's... complicated. And I'm surely not going to be able to explain it well here; I'm quite bad at explaining things, you know? Very bad, actually.
FimFiction has been the site of discovering my hobby. It's where I first got to publish my works, including an adapted version of what I had been working on since at least approximately 2017. It's where I met some of the most wonderful people I've ever met, discovered one of the top three best reading experiences I've ever had, and... and by now, it's where my home is. It really is; if you're curious, see how often I usually am online. And yes, that "being online" consists mostly of just refreshing the page, seeing no new notifications or PMs and quitting it again, but still. I can't let go of FimFiction.
...which is what leads me to my next point. I... I have become addicted, almost. I have allowed the situation on this site to influence my life and wellbeing way too much, and... I need to break that, somehow. But the worst thing is that I don't even know if I want to!
Let me let you guys in on a little secret - I am incredibly weak-willed. Given a choice, I'm usually unable not to choose the option which satisfies my feelings then and there, and that is... harming. So I think I should put my foot down here, but... I'm really not sure if this will work at all.
So... this is how the next while is going to look like. In about a week and a half, I'm leaving for vacation. After that... I'm not sure if I'll be coming back to FimFiction. Not in the current way. Now, when I say, "I'm not sure" there, it really is literal. I don't know if this will happen at all, I don't know if I will do this, maybe I will not, but I want you all to know about the possibility in advance. I would still be working on my stories, but only really coming online to post updates to them. If that is how it ends up going, I'll post my Discord identificator in my description on here so that anyone who wants to do so can chat, ask about updates, or even just say, "hi". But again; this might not happen. Nothing might change. I just don't know!
I still want to post some stuff on my OSaGA lore group, but I'll do that in due time.
As for progress on Deos ex Caellis, it's going alright, I'd say. I currently have about 1400-1500 unpublished words and I think the chapter might end up being around 2000 words long.
Thank you all for reading this blog, and I love you all. 
-Lilia
I hope that you have a good vacation from this site. I too know how addicting it can be, especially when you are reading a really good story that is still being worked on. Hopefully the weather won't get you down as well. I know I don't talk as much, but I still want things to go well for you. *hug*
I hope your vacation goes incredibly well. I hope the weather doesn't bum you out as much, and I wish you the best.
Enjoy your vacation and we will be here. What ever you decide to do after you return from vacation we will understand.
5741997
*hugs back*
Thanks, Clawfoot. I'm just... kind of lonely on here, I guess, and every time I log in I'm reminded of the times when I was not. And due to how close to my heart this site is, said feeling affects my life way too much.
I don't want to leave FimFiction for good, but... a vacation would probably be good for me. I'll see what I decide on, but for now, thank you for the comment. A lot.
5742011
Thanks, Alien. Have a wonderful summer too! It's been so long since I even got a single PM on here, and the feeling of isolation is burning me out. I need to get out into the real world for a while and see if that helps.
5742015
Thank you. It's really refreshing to actually be talking to someone here, it's been a long while since that's happened... well, except for under my blogs, which is the case now as well, I suppose. Oh well.
Even if I do decide on a vacation, which I will see if I do, I won't leave the site for good. But... I may be less available, so to say.
5742333
Do whatever you feel is right. We will be here when you feel like posting.
5742328
I know the feeling of isolation as well, especially when you are expecting a friend or someone random to reply to a comment or story. Sometimes that obsession, especially when I check in once a day, can seem daunting. But you should remember that you aren't alone. Just because your friends, family, etc don't talk with you all the time doesn't mean they aren't there for you.
In any case, whatever your decision is I hope that you find happiness.
5742408
Thank you. And to be honest, that isolation is also largely my fault... I'm a very particular person when it comes to relations with people. I'm extremely shy and self-conscious, and it's never easy to initiate an interaction. Fear like that has caused me to kind of neglect my friendships, and, well... we are where we are now, I suppose. And it hurts a lot, you know...? Especially since I'm really atached to some of these people, and would hate to lose them. But we'll see how it goes.
5742536
I know how that is, especially when you feel nervous or scared to make a reply to someone. Sometimes I'm not sure if I should reply or let the conversation end at some points.. but things will be ok. Just because you are going on vacation doesn't mean that you are losing your friends here; friends understand that sometimes people need time to relax and rejuvenate. So for now take all the time you need to rest and recuperate. This site will be here when you want to come back, and so will your friends here.
I hope you have a wonderful vacation, and thank you for taking the time to let us know how you feel.