"That's right folks, the Europeans are shooting at each other again."

Guys, it's time to get back to my translation. Again.
I need your opinion on what chapters are so badly translated it's literally unreadable. And also I'd like to get an editor. Again.
Take care.

Comments

[CheshireCat19]

The unwanted one, some chapters are really unreadable.

[Bulletspiral]

5732465
I need the exact names of the chapters.

[Diamondized]

Funnily enough, I can read the whole thing just fine. I even find it charming, in a way.

[Diamondized]

Wait, hold on, I think I remember something. In one of the early chapters where Nightmare meets Pinkie for the first time, there's a joke about naming that didn't translate. You could try reversing the bit, untranslating the names so the joke makes sense again.

Chapter 12, pointed out by WerWolf_54 in the comments.

[Bulletspiral]

5732802
This is just untranslatable because:
1) Russian local meme
2) Tied to the Russian names of the characters, so I don't think you'll get it.

[WerWolf_54]

5732802
5732821
As an option - write them in transliteration: Iskorka, Raduga. But this joke will still have to be explained, and in any case it will not cause such existential horror in the English-speaking audience :)

And after this joke and its explanation, Bullet will have to change the native language of the protagonist wherever he is mentioned to Russian, because some people (Bullet) made it English for no reason with their arbitrariness in translation -_-

[Bulletspiral]

5733178
Yes.

[hmaf43]

I do not have anything to complain about this story, but if you want to improve overall reader’s comprehension….

Why not try to make paragraphs shorter first, easiest and effective.

No body like text walls, popularity of modern social media is your proof.

The core feature of twitter that made it popular, is that you can only write no longer than 100 words.

Try to split something that does not happen at the same time into different paragraphs, added markers to indicate an amount of time has passed.

This will help readers that are a skimp reader.

Myself included.

For example

Original

Now we're talking! “This is not done”, damn you... Quills, in terms of comfort, can't stand a chance against the pencil. Yeah, sometimes it was clear, that pencil lead break out onto the sheet - didn't watch over the weight - but everything, that had to be written, is written, and on the first try at last. However, the letters weren't that beautiful, and lines started to drift down in the end. And the style was rather oldish - I’m still bad at the new grammar. I can read it with pain and misery, but building sentences myself... I cringed. Okay, it would do with a glass of beer, I’m still learning.

“Send it.” Folding the sheet four times and making the bend almost sharp with my hoof, I handed it over to gloomy Twi. She got the letter silently and went to kitchen, where Spike was running the show.

I rose from the table, feeling, how pleasantly my sleeping muscles are straightening up after long sitting in one pose and looked at the leaving unicorn.

Edited

Now we're talking!

<+++>

“This is not done”, damn you...

Quills, in terms of comfort, this thing can't stand a chance against a pencil.

Yeah, sometimes pencil was good, but other time the pencil lead break out onto the sheet, because I didn't watch over the weight.

But alas, everything that needed to be written, is written, and on the first try at least.

However, the letters weren't that beautiful, and text lines started to drift down in the end. And the style was rather oldish, because I’m still bad at the new grammar.

I can read it with pain and misery, but building sentences myself... I cringed. Okay, this thing would do with the job. I’m still learning this language after all.

“Send it.” Folding the sheet four times, to make it smaller, and making the bend almost sharp with my hoof.

Then I handed it over to gloomy Twi.

The unicorn recieved the letter silently and went to kitchen, where Spike was running the show.

I rose from the table, feeling, how pleasantly my sleeping muscles are straightening up after long sitting in one pose.

While looking at the leaving unicorn.

I change words here and there to make it sound more natural, but it’s not completely necessary.

The necessary thing is context. Add context as much as possible without being bloat

She>The unicorn/The lavender mare
It>Pencil

[Bulletspiral]

5735166
This is the way the author writes it, and I don't want to change it, keeping the translation as closer to the original as possible.