New face and chronic pain · 4:36am Feb 12th, 2023
Fuck it. Let's start with the positive.
So, my jaw's been a huge problem, right. I've told people it's been bad enough to give me dysphoria and most of my friends wrote it off as a dysphoria thing, telling me I looked fine and they didn't see the issue, which isn't what I meant. I didn't think I looked ugly, just wrong. Turns out that my body's internal map saw where my jaw sat as disfiguring, and didn't believe my eyes about it.
Anyway. Another reason is because I worked out how to grow a beard around the issue, which did a lot for me. So here's a before and after, now a lot of the swelling's gone down, to show what I always knew I was supposed to be seeing in my reflection. Same camera, trying to hold the same expression. The way my lips curl's changed too. I can actually smile now.
Forgive the hair, it's 90% humidity and I really, really do not feel like getting it cut right now.
Anyway.
It turns out, despite my reputation as a kid for being a big, neurotic wuss, as an adult I have a very high pain tolerance. It can take me hours to notice cuts and scrapes, I've done fibreglassing work with my bare hands and then treated the chemical burns with boiling water, and I managed to sleep through my appendix exploding. All without updating my mental model on my pain threshold, just thinking I complain less than I used to.
But I got prescribed oxycodone for the recovery, with a note saying I might need to take it four times a day. I only took four in the first week. Not because I was 'too hard' to need it - It's not a sign of strength, but weakness. Taking it broke me. I immediately switched back to over-the-counter as much as I could, and even then the bare minimum.
There's a reason the pain scale is subjective, and I'm starting to realize that what I think of as 0 is actually most people's 4, and my average through the year is probably closer to 3. And I'm so used to being in pain all the time that I don't actually know how to think without it. First time I took oxycodone my thoughts felt like they were sliding off a non-stick surface, because pain is the core stimulus I associate thinking with.
Did you know that the shame and pain portions of the brain are direct neighbours, with links? That's why some people handle cringe comedy so bad they have to leave the room, that emotional pain registers like real pain. I've got architecture that has very strong links between the two, and a lot of intrusive thoughts. I can't tell if my chronic pain is triggering the thoughts, or the thoughts are triggering the chronic pain. I have a lot of both, either way.
A couple of times a day it gets so bad I have to stop what I'm doing, wince my eyes shut, and just beg for death until it passes. And then I just go back to doing what I was doing, as if nothing happened, hoping nobody heard because it's so embarrassing.
Both the thoughts and the pain go away when I'm on painkillers. My mood, and my self esteem, bounce way back when I don't hurt all the time. Today my jaw didn't hurt bad enough for me to take anything when I woke up. I worked out that was the reason I've been crying a lot of today. I got enough of a break that I stopped being numb to what I'm always feeling.
I've spent most of my youth and most of my time here being a deeply angry, reactive person. I've said I don't want to make excuses for that. I think I've become better enough over the last three years that I don't need to make any. But I can honestly say, now, without any fear of it being an excuse or justification: God, does it suck to live a life that is entirely in the shadow of, and defined by, being in pain. It sucks what it does to you.
I've had to cut anger out of my life entirely, because otherwise it was the only thing I became capable of feeling. Anger can be a normal response to pain and stress, and the mind is not designed to handle an abnormal, unending amount of pain and stress. There is a reason, when I did try therapy, I was often sent to people who specialized in combat veterans.
There's no solution to this. This isn't something I can get better from, better than I already am - I'm rather proud of who I've managed to make myself, actually. It's just... yeah. You know? I really wish I didn't have so many blogs like this, about solving all these problems, about pulling all the shrapnel out. It's no longer enough for me to say that the starting line is just ten years behind everyone else's. I'm running an entirely different course, and I'll never get to many of the same places.
At least I can look at my reflection and smile, for the first time since I was a teenager.
I appreciate your writing, and I know you don’t think yourself ugly, you look really good! I can’t relate to your pain and resultant emotional challengez but it sounds like you’ve figured it out and are making progress to handle it. Great job and keep it up!
The jaw transition looks great!
Pain sucks, yeah. I've got some joint pain that lives with me all the time, and whenever I take something to reduce it, I have to be very careful to not accidentally push past my limits.
Grats on the beard. And my sympathies for everything else. As someone with a head full of bad wires I relate to sudden realizations that the way you live your life has caused unexpected problems for yourself.
I feel you on sleeping through an exploding appendix. I remember waking up and wondering why the world was dark and why it hurt when I walked.
Anyways, hope you can move on past this. Get well.
This. I am having a similar sort of problem right now. I do understand how hard this must be. I hope you feel better soon
I'm in this picture and I don't like it.
I'm glad you got through the surgery, and I hope you keep getting better.
Glad to hear the surgery was a success.
Do you mind if I send you a PM about this? I have a lot of experience with chronic jaw pain and some of the issues you're experiencing, and I may be able to provide some useful perspective.
(I'm sorry for the anxiety, but you really do look beautiful.)
I don’t have the exact same issues but I get it a bit I have to wear gloves at all times because the sight of the veins on the back of my hand and on my wrist freak me out badly and I’m epileptic so I can’t get a job to keep myself busy I have to be really careful about what I watch you’d be surprised what can trigger a seizure
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Go for it!
Great to hear the surgery worked out! The pain you get used to is interesting to think about. I sometimes think about how body swap stories should involve more "holy shit my back hurts like hell, how did he walk around like this?!" sorts of reactions.
As another 'late starter' to many things - a good 8-10 years behind on most life success metrics when I finally got them going - I can say that you might well shock yourself with just how fast you can move once you learn how to work those muscles.
The thing that sucks about being full of shrapnel is, well, the agony, obviously. But once you pull enough of it out that that pain lessens, I find things can get pretty awesome, and your potential is great enough that if or when you choose to really flower it, something crazy cool should blossom. And almost certainly faster than you'd ever have thought possible.
I'm really glad to hear you got the medical help you needed for your jaw. "It's just...wrong..." is such a difficult thing to explain to people and often even difficult to realise ourselves. In the time since I first stumbled upon The Celestia Code and read your wonderful writing, I figured out I was trans. I've gotten quite a bit of medical help for it, and, at least in one point, it seems we've shared a journey: I'm finally starting to be able to smile at the me I see in the mirror. I hope your days keep trending up, the next month a little more than the last.