Written by: TypewriterError
Rated Everyone
“So, Princess Mi Amore...”
“Please, call me Cadance,” the alicorn said, more than a little uncertain about the interview.
“I like that...no formality, just trying to be ‘one of the ponies’ and not sticking your muzzle up in the air.” Cadance cringed as the interviewer laughed obnoxiously. How many more of these would she have to deal with? Couldn’t the Cutie Mark Crusaders try to do a story on her instead?
“Actually, I just prefer to be called Cadance.”
“Oh, I see! Well, the readers of my column in the Crystal Inquiry are just dying to know how you and Shining Armor are getting along since your wedding last year!”
“He and I are doing well.”
“Oh? Can we expect the patter of little hooves soon?” the interviewer asked, leaning forward in a somewhat invasive manner.
“Well...I’m currently not expecting...” The other mare went to town on her notepad. Oh...great.
“So tell me...Cadance...” she said with a nudge. “How is it to live in the lap of luxury? What does a rich pony do all day?”
“Well...to be perfectly frank... Can you please move that recorder a hoof or two away from me?”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I understand completely! I’ll not use this then, if you’re uncomfortable. Don’t worry about me using every bit of information in the papers. I won’t tell anything that doesn’t truly belong there. So just tell me everything!” she said, putting the recorder on the table, still turned on... Did this mare think Cadance was a fool or something?
Regardless, she continued. “As I was about to say...money and title do not always mean luxury. Yes, I am a Princess and married to the Captain of the Royal Guard, but that does not mean I sit around doing nothing. The Crystal Kingdom needs constant supervision and defense—”
“Oh my, I know! I’ve heard how hard your husband works to protect us. You must be proud of him.”
“I definitely am proud of him.”
“But who protects you while he’s away? Are there any...assigned guards for you, Cadance?”
“Assigned guards? What do you mean?”
“Come on, Cadance...let’s be realistic here. Unless your husband doesn’t love you, he’d make sure you were safe when he couldn’t keep an eye on you... But, he’s gone for a very long time is he not?” she said with a wink.
Cadance had promised this insufferable nag half an hour...though her own blood pressure didn’t seem to agree to the prospect. But, she had to be gracious. She had never forcibly thrown an interviewer from her home before, and she didn’t want to start now.
That didn't make the idea any less tempting, however.
“My husband loves me dearly, and I love him just as strongly. I am very proud of him and help him whenever I can. He does not have an assigned guard to me because he knows I can protect myself. Yes, he can be gone for days at a time because of his duties in Canterlot and, no, it’s not always easy, but it is always worth it when you look at the big picture.”
“So how do you ‘help’ him exactly?”
“Well...mostly I work with the legal aspects of running a kingdom, but there are times I assist him with magic, keeping his health in check, and I’m also the first response when a situation comes up and neither of my aunts can be reached to assist at that moment.”
“I bet you keep him in shape, too...” she said with a wink. Cadance’s eyes narrowed.
“I will not respond to such impertinent questions.”
“Oh...so you’re not keeping him in shape then?” she asked, her face ecstatic.
“If you attempt another juvenile innuendo while this interview is in progress, then this interview will end. Next question?”
“Are you sure you’re not pregnant?”
“Yes!”
“Ok! So, your mane. How do you get it so long and healthy? Is it magic?”
“It grew. Next question.”
“What quirks about your husband annoy you the most?” the pony said, biting the end of her writing implement in a way that she probably assumed was attractive. Cadance was thoroughly convinced this pony had never practiced the technique in front of another pony, unless she had ignored the slight look of disbelieving contempt from the receiver. She took a deliberate deep breath before replying.
“That is between him and me, unless you interview him and he decides to divulge this information.”
“When would he be available to talk?”
“Send a notice to him, not me. I am not a way to get to my husband.”
“Does he do interviews?”
“No.”
“But you said—”
“I heard what I said, you don’t need to repeat it.”
“But your husband is the latest news! Mares everywhere want to get the scoop on you two. He was the most eligible bachelor in Equestria...” she said with a flirty push of her cat-eye glasses up her muzzle and quick toss of her mane.
“You’re kidding me...”
“What? The public likes a pretty face.”
“Shining Armor is not a pretty face!”
“Yes, I know that but—”
“No...you don’t know it.”
“But I—”
“Stop it right now! Did they send you as a joke? In the the same amount of time I’ve talked to you, I have discussed—with more capable reporters—my imprisonment in the Canterlot caverns, my family history, the King Sombra attack on my home, how I was influential in the Griffin-Crystal Pony treaty 3 months ago, and the story of how Shining Armor and I knew each other before we got engaged! All you have asked about is questions pertaining to if my husband and I are happy in our relationship or if he is able to fulfil the fantasies of pathetic ponies all over Equestria or if I really am as lazy as the kingdom wants me to be.”
“Well—”
“Oh, shut up, you pathetic excuse for a columnist! Shining Armor and I love each other very much and plan to stay together for a very long time--namely, the rest of our natural lives. I do more than sit around all day acting bored with the fact I’m a Princess...”
“Yes, but—”
“I’m not finished!” The interviewer's muzzle clamped shut to make room for her widening eyes as she shrunk back into the chair. “Good... As I was saying, I am more than a pretty face to be displayed next to my husband’s pretty face for ‘the public’ as you imagine your readers to be and, if you want to interview me, you will need a great deal more respect than I believe you’re capable of. Since last year, I’ve been kidnapped, imprisoned, deprived of sleep for three whole days, tortured, thrown off a balcony, harassed, stalked, threatened, and slandered more times than I ever care to think of. I did not do all of that to be asked inane questions by some untrained beauty school dropout who is looking to get at my husband to put him on public display!”
“What, are you scared he’s going to leave you for me...?” the interviewer asked, the thrill of a challenge written on her face.
Cadance had never forcibly thrown an interviewer from her home before. But, there was a first time for everything.
Fuck.
Having some issues adding the next snapshot--unsure what exactly the issue is. Rest assured, I do have the Cadance entry and it's ready...hopefully Poultron will get back to me quickly and we can get this issue resolved. This is a pretty amusing snapshot, I can't wait to show you guys!
I had thought you were trying for the shortest snapshot ever.
A lot of work went into that "â"....I'm quite proud of it dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_dealwithit.png
1775371
Your name is very fitting.
1775451 That's exactly what I thought.
1775451 1775528
1775544 Should frame it for posterity
I look forward to this when it comes out for real.
1775780 But...you cannot frame such art!
(you know none of these comments will make sense when the chapter actually can be posted. lol.)
This is by far the best entry in the whole collab! you can really fell the emotions that went into that 'a' and it was all just so beautiful! kudos to you for writing a fantastic story!
PS, cannot wait for the real story to actually come out! This collab still lives!
1776124 Clearly we need to save the story then so as to share the joke.
1776536 1776245 1776124
Bahahaha! To be fair, that right there is more than was showing up last night. It's apparently been one of the bigger issues people are having since the site update (which I personally think is gorgeous, myself). I'll fiddle with it again, see if I can get the actual thing up there.
1776536 1776245 1776124
Success!
1776828 *whines* why'd you have to go and do a thing like that? lol
Good to see that things are working again! Nice chapter!
First time for everything...
Oh damn! that was good! Almost as good as good as the first copy of this story, but that 'a' will always have a place in my heart
1775371
Its lovely, really fits the character and just ... good job. Really, you did a really good job on Cadance and that sorry excuse of a reporter.
Having read the chapter now...wow. ooooooh wow. After tat last comment, I would have smashed that brainless interviewer's face into pulp.
Oh you guys got featured.
Hope this will help with spreading the word.
1776983
Thanks--yeah, we pretty much hit update featured every time I publish a new one...which is why it sucked I had to go so long without anything to post, haha!
1777000
I can imagine that.
Ohhh the pain, the imaginary pain, its tormenting me!
1776926 â
1776953 Thanks. i had a lot of fun with this
1776954 lol. Yes, I figured she had to do something a little more restrained though...too bad
Bwahahaha I love it. Personally I;d have been more interested to see what Celly and Luna would do to the interviewer *evil grins*
1777168 Yeah, unfortunately only Cadence was left. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_future.png
You have to wonder which
ragpublication the twittering bird works for. I'm sure it's not Equestria Daily.It's nice... kinda. I just... miss the 'a'...
In all seriousness, I love the way Cadence tore the columnist a new one, she earned it.
Everyone has their limits... I would have hit mine much sooner.
Oh wow, I want to smack that reporter upside the head.
1775371I was snickering so loud at the reporter's shenanigans that I disturbed my flatmate. Nice one.
1777627 â misses his 15 minutes of fame...
1778209 Thank you dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Vinyl_Scratch.png
That was rather fantastic.
Awww, I miss â.
The rewrites are never as good...
Freakin' paparazzi.
Get out of bed!
LIKE A PRINCESS
Wear my crown!
LIKE A PRINCESS
Pass some laws!
LIKE A PRINCESS
Eat a cake!
LIKE A PRINCESS
etc etc etc
1787351 dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/lolface_Celestia.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png
Good one Cadance.
1787351
That comment...
files.sharenator.com/slow_clap_I_don_t_care-s500x371-139710-580.png
Hmmm... let me take a crack at the end
Turn into NightMare Moon!
LIKE A PRINCESS
Bomb the griffins!
LIKE A PRINCESS
Fly into the sun!
LIKE A PRINCESS
Now Im dead!!
So you rip out your ovaries and die?
(I started with "Bomb the griffins" and the ovaries line and had to work from there)
what's the "a" I keep hearing about in the comments?
2120999 the "â" happened when PC first tried to upload this chapter. The site was wonky that night so all that was showing up for the new chapter was "â". It was pretty funny, not going to lie. That why I put it as my cutie mark.
Not what I was expecting, but then again, The Album is so random and different that expectations can be thrown to the way side.
Much as I dislike Shining Armor and Cadence I rather liked this one.