Deadpool done goofed and is now stuck in Equestria for some unknown reason. This is a story how a violent sociopath hero will come to terms with living in one of the most peaceful places in the multi-verse.
WARNING: This Fic does contain heavy language use Viewer discretion is advised
Deadpool accidentally dimention hopped into the land of Equestria I don't how and neither does he, pretty sure it had something to do with a cosmic toaster and a primordial Jacuzzi buuut its the marvel universe they dimension hop for weekend get aways there so it don't matter. Deadpool ain't happy about being there either i mean talking ponies WTF?! 1000 years of peace, ah hell nah! This place just isn't Deadpool's style! But leaving is going to prove to be difficult in a land whose technological age can't seem to make up it's mind. Well, He can always pass the time by killin a few Hydra or fighting a princess that should keep him entertained for a bit. Please rate fairly. I don't mind if you down vote just give a legitimate reason before you do. If you enjoyed it however I implore you please up vote. The more people that like this series the more i will work on it.
I would like to give a big thanks to my editor Darklordtheslayer who has helped improve my work immensely!
Prologue- The Foreshadowing of Insanity by Darth Quadro Edited by Darklordtheslayer WARNING: This fic may induce spontaneous super powers. Viewer Discretion is Advised
----Somewhere Inside Canterlot Castle----
Thump
Thump
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Celestia strode from the dining hall and into the throne room of the castle after finishing breakfast to start the morning court sessions, only to find Discord in the room repeatedly banging his head against one of the room’s walls. "Discord, what are you doing?" Celestia asked, surprised at Discord's presence.
"Why just testing the strength of this here wall, my dear Celestia. What does it look like I'm doing?" Discord replied in a bitterly sarcastic tone before continuing to whack his head against the wall.
"I appreciate the sarcasm but I would really like to know why you’re doing it." Celestia said un-amusedly whilst frowning at the small crack forming on the wall. "And would you please stop, you’re scaring the guards and I don't want to have to pay for repairs on this wall you saw fit to take your aggression out on."
"Isn't it obvious?" Discord asked as he disappeared and reappeared as a tiny version of himself pacing on Celestia's back. "I'm BORED! This place BORES me! I'm the God of bucking Chaos for the love of myself! I need something to entertain me! What do I do when you won't let even let me alter the laws of physics every once in a while? I tell you this whole reformation thing is turning out to be huge pain and not to mention, quite a bore." Two palm trees and a hammock suddenly burst from the ground near the throne with discord lying in the hammock wearing a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses.
Celestia sighed heavily. "Look, Discord, you have got to take care of yourself. I have a lot of duties that I have to attend to right now, so why don't you go out to the city and--"
"Let me stop you right there, Celestia. In case you've forgotten, not too long ago I was the one that threw nearly all of Equestria into glorious chaos and unlike dear Luna's homecoming I made it quite clear to everypony including the ones in Canterlot that I was the one responsible for what was happening. Now add on top of that the fact that the only ponies who know of my whole reformation gig back in Ponyville are the Canterlot guards and some of the Ponyville residents, you have neglected to tell anypony else of my return."
"I realize this and I haven’t revealed it to the other Canterlot ponies yet to avoid causing a panic.--" Celestia declared bemusedly.
"Exactly!" Discord interjected.
"However…" Celestia became a little annoyed at being interrupted a second time. "…as I recall you can alter and morph your body as you see fit, so why not just disguise yourself as a pony and go out and mingle some with other ponies? Now I need you to go, Day court is about to begin." Celestia stated dismissively, now trying to rush the Draconequus out the door as discord made the trees disappear and teleported onto the top of Celestia's throne, sitting in The Thinker position.
"For shame, Celestia! You’re telling me to not be myself! That doesn't seem like something a pony who teaches the meaning of friendship to others should say." Discord said mockingly to Celestia as she rolled her eyes at him. "But in all seriousness, no. Those Canterlot ponies do not interest me; I do not think I'll get too much excitement from conversing with them. I'll just ask Luna if she'd be interested in going monster hunting with me later tonight." Discord said, ignoring Celestia's attempts to push him off her throne. "Which reminds me could you remind Luna next chance you get to close her balcony doors? I like to sleep in and she makes that difficult when she is 'playing' with that pet guard of hers. I swear, you have no idea just how loud little Luna can get; my room's not even that close to hers." Discord complained nonchalantly as he finally started to move towards the door.
Celestia blushed deeply at the thought of what Discord had said as she literally pushed Discord towards the door. "Yes, fine, whatever! I'll talk to her about it, just go already!"
Just then both Celestia and Discord froze in their tracks, snapping their heads up and looking towards the window as if a huge explosion just went off. "Did you just feel that?" Discord inquired, breaking the silence.
"Yes, it felt like a massive surge of some kind of energy just went off from many miles away. What do you think that was?" Celestia questioned, wide eyed and still staring at the window expecting some sort of massive light, explosion or something to happen. Whatever had happened, it happened out of sight as all that could be seen through the window was the pristine weather that had been present since the very start of the day. No black clouds over the city, no sudden thunder and lightning and nopony panicking and running for their lives. [I added this part just to help with the atmosphere a little bit.]
Discord suddenly had a big toothy grin on his face as he looked in the same direction as Celestia. "I don't know but I have a feeling things are about to get a whole lot more interesting soon enough." Discord said excitedly as Celestia gave him a worried look.
----Meanwhile just outside of Ponyville----
Twilight Sparkle joined her friends at the top of a hill outside of Ponyville for their bimonthly get together picnic. As their lives got more and more hectic and filled with responsibilities due to their progressive lives, the more important these picnics became to the six friends. Twilight smiled seeing all of her friends together performing their usual antics that she loved them so much for. Pinkie uncovering her basket and it floating away because it was filled with balloons, Rarity flinging herself on the her red whining couch that she managed to sneak up there with no one noticing and crying over the napkins not matching the plates they don't use, Rainbow Dash trying to seem too cool for her friends by rocking a pair of sunglasses, Fluttershy serving tea to a bear that was five times the size of her, and Applejack just being the only really sane one of the group and acting… well, normal as normal can be in Ponyville. Even Twilight knew that she couldn't rightfully place her own mental stability over Applejacks no matter how much she wanted to.
The picnic wasn't any different from any of the others in which they had met each other. Everypony seemed to be doing quite well for themselves. Rainbow Dash continued to progress in her quest to become a Wonderbolt. Pinkie was practically running Sugarcube Corner now while the Cakes attended to all the Catering jobs and their children as well as handling the more important paperwork. Everything else Pinkie did herself and gleefully. Applejack’s business was booming due to her being an element of harmony and her product being sponsored by many major ad companies now as their business now spread throughout Equestria. Rarity’s boutique was now one of the most popular clothing outlets in all of Equestria, with orders being placed from as far away as Las Pegasus. Fluttershy kept doing whatever she did that earned her money, Twilight knew she did pet grooming but there was no way that pet grooming earned her enough to afford a two story cottage and 100 plus animals and yet she didn’t seem to be struggling for cash at any point.
Everything was going great, the food was good, everypony was laughing and enjoying themselves and everypony was genuinely happy. It had also been the perfect day for a picnic with completely clear skies and a gentle breeze, which made a change from the seemingly constant rain that Ponyville had experienced for the past few days. Pinkie was talking about some story with a customer who was obsessed with abnormal amounts of jam when she suddenly started violently shaking up and down. "Pinkie what's wrong? Are you ok?" Twilight queried, being worried about her friend.
"I-I-I-I d-d-don't-t kn-n-no-o-ow m-m-my p-pinkie s-s-sense i-i-i-is g-g-g-going c-c-c-craz-z-zy!" Pinkie stammered, making her hardly able to speak coherently due to all the shaking.
"Well horse-apples! Ah was hopin to git some relaxin done before ah gets back to work!" Applejack complained. She was more than a little annoyed as work had been rough lately, on account of having to work overtime to gather apples for a shipment to Fillydelphia. "Do ya know where it's goin down, Sugarcube?"
"Hmmm?" Pinkie thought after she had finally stopped shaking. "If I had to guess, it feels like whatever it is; it's happening at Froggybottom Bog."
Everypony looked at Fluttershy, causing her to cower under her friends' gazes. "W-what? D-d-did I do something wrong? I'm sorry." She whimpered, shaking a little in timid fear.
"Are you sure Pinkie? I mean Fluttershy's right here." Rainbow said ignoring Fluttershy.
"Yep! I'm pretty sure about it. Actually, I don't think it has to do with any of us this time." Pinkie exclaimed with a great big smile on her face.
"Well, then why don't we just stay here and continue to enjoy each other's company? Besides, the bog is so ugh... dirty." Rarity proclaimed whilst cringing at the thought of having to trudge through all that mud and gooey nature stuff.
"NO!" Pinkie quite suddenly yelled in Rarities face in what sounded like a demonic voice, causing her to reel back and her pupils to shrink to the size of pin holes. "We have to go on the adventure and see what the pinkie sense foretold of." Pinkie said, now in her usual sweet and innocent voice.
"Oookay then," Twilight interjected, bringing the attention back to her and just shrugging that event off as a Pinkie thing. "As creepy as that was I do agree with Pinkie on this. We appear to have some sort of large anomaly on our hands and it’s our duty to make sure that whatever it is, it will not pose any immediate threat to our homes or Equestria."
"UGH! Fine!" Rarity whined in frustration.
"ADVENTURE!!!" Pinkie squealed in excitement.
"Maybe we'll get to kick some monster flank while we're out there! That'd be awesome!" Rainbow said strutting with swagger.
Applejack sighed. "Rainbow, last time we were attacked by Timber wolves you ran like everypony else." She stated as a reminder, making Rainbow cringe.
"I told you, I was making sure all the girls were safe from any other stray timber wolves!" Rainbow argued over defensively.
"Uh-huh... So that’s why you left Spike and I to fight the timber wolves ourselves?" Applejack questioned mockingly.
"Oh, come on Applejack I thought you two were right behind us, I was gonna fly back as soon as I noticed you were gone!" Rainbow yelled in retort. Then leaning in Rainbow whispered, "Look, I'll make it up to you... again later tonight just shush please! You're ruining my rep!" Applejack just rolled her eyes and smiled victoriously.
"Um girls? Please don't make me go... " Everypony just kept walking, oblivious to Fluttershy's plea's for mercy. "Girls? Please... Girls? Eeep!" Noticing she was getting left behind, she scampered to catch up with the rest of her friends.
Episode 1: The Mercenary Menace By Darth Quadro Edited by Darklordtheslayer WARNING: Repetitive reading of this text may induce Stockholm Syndrom Viewer Discretion is Advised
---Somewhere in the Everfree Forest near the edge of Froggy Bottom Bog---
A trio of timber wolves were cornering their prey as the family of bunnies backed themselves into a sheer rock wall. The timber wolves continued to pace forward, snarling that haunting and hollow snarl of theirs with their glowing yellow eyes that many a pony found to be the last thing they saw before meeting a gruesome end, gleaming eerily. The timber wolves were always considered one of the most terrifying creatures of the Everfree. While they may not be difficult to defeat, they never stay down as they are the undying hunters of the forest; a sickening combination of enchanted wood and insatiable hunger, forever forced to be constantly hunting for their next meal with a hunger that can never be quenched.
Just as the timber wolves prepared to make the final pounce on their unfortunate prey and feast on their flesh, they were interrupted as electricity shot through the air between them, causing the timber wolves to yelp and reel back. Just as more jolts of electricity shot through the entire area like a lightning globe in mid-air with no protective glass. All the animals scattered in fear, the timber wolves being forced into a full retreat and their prey ducking out and running away as fast as they could. What happened next shook even the emotionless timber wolves cold with fear as a deafeningly loud sound resounded through the air, it was the sound of space and time tearing open and reality pulling itself apart. The sound was both incredibly loud and sickening to the stomach as the universe tried to resist this unnatural force tearing itself through, and then.... Silence. A hole in the universe was suspended in mid-air only a few feet above the ground when suddenly…
"HOLY FUCK!!!"
[HOLY SHIT!]
[HOLY SHIT FUCK!]
"OOOF!"
A strange red and black adorned creature flew through the hole in time and space just as the rift collapsed in upon itself with a mighty slam, returning the entire area back into its proper dimensions. The creature had been slammed into the ground with great force and laid on the ground in a daze.
"Ooooooooowwww!" The creature groaned heavily, popping its neck back into place and straightening out its back. “Where in the hell am I now?" It enquired, as the creature finally stood up.
[Dude I think we dimension hopped.]
"Again? Seriously? What is this, like the 106th time now? Why do I have such a problem finding a dimension and just sticking to it?" The creature complained, clearly frustrated with the predicament.
[Please don't be Zombieverse! Please don't be Zombieverse! Please don't be Zombieverse!--]
[Well for once it looks like we landed smack dab in the middle of fuckin nowhere, Oh Shit! What if this is the Zombieverse? Dude we could be Uber fucked!]
[Oh God! Please No! Anywhere but Zombieverse!]
Just then a small curious bunny hopped into the clearing looking to see what the source of that huge event was and now stared at the red and black clad creature twitching its nose.
"Wait! No look there, it's a living animal I think we're clear on the Zombieverse thing. Which still raises the question; where the fuck are we?" The creature questioned to itself, raising a hand to his chin whilst stroking it lovingly and thoughtfully until he realized just how weird he made that moment, he then shrugged and continued onwards.
[Hey you should kill that rabbit; you can take its meat and use it as a food ration later when you’re low on health.]
[Hmm? yes quite. Oh, and also, dodge left.]
"What? Oh!" Just then a snarling figure jumped from behind the bipedal creature attacking its rear. "DODGE! KICK! STAB!" He yelled while pulling off the combo when he noticed that his Bowie knife had created a wooden sounding thump. "What is this Naruto bullshit?!" The figure rose from the ground revealing itself to be a timber wolf with the knife buried deep in its side, yet the wolf paid no heed to it. "Oooh... the wood is a living thing." The biped said in an understanding tone.
[What? No! That just raises more questions! Stop pretending you know what’s going on!]
[I don't know about you two but I still think its Naruto bullshit.]
"All I know is, that bastard's got my knife. It has to die!"
[We are ignoring the fact that you were the one who stuck the knife in the thing. correct?]
[I don't even know what’s going on anymore. Let's fuck it up!]
Just then the timber wolf leaped at the biped who dodged by performing a forward roll under the wolf but instead of turning over when his shoulders hit the ground, he launched himself upward by pushing up with his arms and landing a double kick to the wolf's midsection. The timber wolf suddenly burst into hundreds of pieces all around the creature and the Bowie knife stuck into the ground by his head. "Um....? Well that was easy." He thought, re-sheathing his blade.
[Does anybody have an easy button because his shit just got wrecked!]
[Does anyone else get that ominous feeling from when a protagonist in a story says 'almost too easy'? No? Just me? Alright.]
The biped turned to start walking in some random direction in order to get away from the area when two more timber wolves stepped out of the brushes to meet him. Green noxious fumes leaked from their mouths as they snarled at their newly targeted prey.
"AH! Come on! What the hell?! Fine whatever bring it wood bitch!" He declared as both timber wolves leaped to tear out his jugular. The biped however deftly roundhouse kicked the first wolf's head off and then in one quick motion drew one of the swords strapped to his back and split the other wolf in half. "This... This is just sad! I actually feel bad cutting these things down, even if they were the ones stupid enough to attack me. I mean damn! I literally kicked that thing’s head off; it was like 'boop' gone! Dead! I didn't even kick that hard!"
[Um... Dude? You remember that feeling I was getting earlier?]
"Yeah?"
[Surprise! Look down dumb ass.]
All of the hundreds of pieces around him were starting to put themselves back together at quite a pace, the one behind him from earlier was already most of the way through and a deep, hollow, guttural snarl started to resonate from its body as the three timber wolves started reforming themselves to surround him.
"Hacks! I call Hacks! This is bullshit! I want out, fuck this place!"
[Where's that easy button? I'm gonna snap it in half for lying to me!]
[We've been here like ten minutes and already this dimension sucks ass, first impressions are a bitch!]
----Meanwhile somewhere in Froggy Bottom Bog----
"UGH! This is boring! Why are we here again?" Rainbow Dash moaned.
"Because Rainbow, we have to find the anomaly that's setting off all of Pinkie's senses." Twilight replied, clearly agitated with Rainbow Dash's complaining. This surprised her because she was expecting more of that from Rarity, who's only complaints, were in the form of many eew's and eek's or the occasional growl of frustration. Pinkie on the other hand was starting to find it hard to move around, as her future telling spasms got more and more violent to the point where she would actually stop talking during a spasm in fear of biting off her tongue, which she had already bitten eight times from earlier spasm's.
"So, again, I stress my point. Why are WE here?" Rainbow complained whilst indicating to herself, Applejack and Fluttershy, who had been ducking for cover and hiding at every sign of movement, clearly uncomfortable with being there after what had happened previously.
"Because WE," Twilight emphasised, indicating to all of them, "are the SIX Elements of Harmony and this is what WE do! Besides we need to know whether or not this could be an emergency. You never know when it comes to Pinkie."
"I'm the WILDCARD!" Pinkie piped up before succumbing to another spasm of shaking as her Pinkie Sense continued to act up.
‘This is much worse than last time. Whatever the heck is going on it's more than just a doozy this time.' Twilight thought worriedly to herself. "Look girls, the closer we get to the event the worse Pinkie's spasm's get and I'd say we are getting pretty darn close by now."
"Yep!" Pinkie confirmed.
"Ah'm just worried that the longer we stick around here, the more chance this is gonna end up like last time." Applejack said, now getting a little nervous and eyeing the murky water.
"Well, what happened last time? You girls seem to have neglected telling me yet. I just know it involved Fluttershy and a huge problem." Rarity inquired as she tried her hardest to dodge all of the thicker mud pockets.
"We got chased by a giant three headed Hydra all over the Bog and then Twilight burst into the flames. It was super fun you girls should have been there!" Pinkie recalled gleefully. Rarity glared at Pinkie in disbelief.
Twilight face hooved with all the fury of an angry god. "Pinkie, it was not fun, we did not have fun, nor will it ever be fun. And I only burst into flames out of frustration... because of you." Twilight stated, now getting annoyed at the whole situation.
There was a long, awkward silence as the six continued to trudge their way through the muddy bog, all of them now a little uncomfortable with this adventure and now wanting it to end. All Except for Pinkie Pie that is.
"Sooooo.... ten bits says we run into the same Hydra as last time? Anypony?" Rainbow blurted out to break the silence.
"I'll take that bet." Rarity answered.
"Count me in." Applejack added.
As if on cue four monstrous heads began to pull themselves out of the water. The creature was massive and covered in sickly yellowish brown scales with a yellow underbelly, and it was staring at the six ponies hungrily and ready to eat as the three heads subsequently flicked their forked tongues out of their mouths, tasting the air around them.
Rainbow leaned over to Twilight and asked, "Is that--?"
Twilight cut her off. "Yes Rainbow. Yes it is." Twilight deadpanned.
Just then the three heads of the Hydra drew in a massive amount of air and then threw its heads' forward, bellowing out a deafening roar in the ponies faces.
"RUN AWAY!" The six screamed in unison as they reared back and made an about turn to sprint away all at once.
----Meanwhile in Princess Luna's private chamber's at Canterlot Castle----
The room was pitch black, with no light seeping through any cracks as all the curtains were drawn. For Princess Luna the night was day and the day was night in her eyes. Princess Luna slept soundly, curled up in a tight ball pressed up against her lover and guardian with his forelegs wrapped comfortingly around his princess, looking to protect her even while asleep. The only sound was that of the soft breathing of the two lovers slumber, which resonated pleasantly through the room.
The two large doors leading into Luna's bedchambers swung open at a destructive speed, slamming against the inside of the bedroom wall with a loud CRACK! "LUNA!" Celestia yelled to her sister whilst standing at the epicentre of the carnage.
"WAAAAH! WHAT?! WHAT IS IT?!" Luna screamed whilst bolting upwards franticly on her bed and accidentally flinging the Night Guard a few feet out of the bed, causing him to make a loud yelping noise as he flew through the air and got the wind knocked out of him as he hit the ground.
"I THINK I BROKE YOUR DOOR!" Celestia screamed back, momentarily forgetting why she was there in the first place. She could hear the Night Guard groan in pain on the ground and was always surprised to see how different the Night Guards look whenever she sees one without their armor on. He was a pegasus with a noticeably thick jet black coat and his mane was a dark blue with a goldish yellow streak through the middle. She also noticed that even in his normal form he was larger than most ponies while still not being considered huge.
"TIA! WHAT THE BUCK! WHY--" Luna was swiftly interrupted by Celestia before her little sister could express how royally pissed off she was.
"WAIT! ... Wait-wait-wait-wait, Okay, now I remember why I'm here. Luna! I need your help with something!" Celestia now explained with urgency.
Luna just stared at her sister, absolutely shocked and at a loss for words as she started to make the noise as if she wanted to say something but just couldn't quite figure out how to say it. Her Night Guard was now dizzily wobbling to his feet having no idea what was going on and why so much shouting was involved. He was having such a good dream too with Luna and Princess Cadance and a hot tub and the knowledge that he is probably going to have to explain himself later to Luna as she most definitely saw that dream. He just hoped she wasn't going to use it to black mail him later under threat of telling his commanding officer; Shining Armor.
"Lulu, I know this is sudden and in the middle of the day but earlier today I felt a cosmic disturbance on a scale that I have never experienced before and the epicentre of the disturbance was only a few miles from Ponyville!" Celestia exclaimed, sounding panicked. The Night Guard walked a few feet before collapsing again at the foot of Luna's bed due to a combination of nausea and just being tired as hell. He still didn't really know what was going on, nor did he care, but what he did know was that all he wanted to do was get back into bed and cuddle with Luna, everything else was inconsequential bullshit. He finally managed to pull the upper half of his body on the bed.
"Okay, so what does this have to do with me?" Luna replied spitefully even though she was legitimately interested in what was happening, she was still pretty pissed off at Celestia and was also cranky from drowsiness.
"I can't perform scrye spells as well as you can and I need you to look someone up." Celestia answered pleadingly. The Night Guard dozed, still halfway on the bed.
Luna's horn lit up as she concentrated on performing a spell of her own creation. By Luna's horn a metallic silver liquid was conjured out of nowhere and began to spin and grow in size, forming a loose ball of liquid silver. She then manipulated the ball and spread it out flat across the floor to form a circular reflection pool out of the liquid, creating a perfect mirror. "Alright, who do you want me to look up?"
"I need you to look up Twilight Sparkle, knowing my student she probably already knows of the disturbance and has gone to investigate. I'd like to know what she's found so far." Celestia stated confidently.
"Alright, let's see what I can pull up." Luna responded, moving her hoof over the surface of the silver disc. Just as soon as the picture came up, the room filled with the noise of six ponies screaming and running for their lives with four monstrous heads in pursuit roaring at them. Luna just as quickly swiped her hand back over the silvery mirror, turning it off. Luna stared at the disc, eyes wide in shock and panting heavily at the jump scare. The noise had also jolted the Night Guard awake as he was now looking around frantically, trying to remember where he was and what he was doing.
"You know, I can't honestly say that I'm surprised by this at all." Celestia admitted nonchalantly.
"You mean this happens often?" Luna asked inquisitively.
"Oh you have no idea; she's actually been in this same situation before. Don't worry if anything gets too out of hoof, I'll intervene. Now turn it back on so we can see what's happening." Celestia reassured Luna. The Night Guard had finally made it all the way onto the bed and was just about to go lie down next to Luna when he stepped on something that was too hard to be a pillow. He looked down and found the severed head of a Draconaquus under his hooves. The head smiled at him, causing the Night Guard to let out a yelp as he reared back and fell backward off the bed.
Luna turned the scrye pool back on to watch as Discord's body started to put itself back together. "Hey girls, what's up? Watching a bunch of ponies get eaten? That's cool." Discord commented, leaning over them to watch.
"When exactly did my room become a social gathering area? Discord why are you in here?" Luna snapped, getting even more annoyed than she already was. Discord simply shrugged in response. Luna rolled her eyes. The Night Guard just laid down on the floor and groaned, pretty much just giving up on trying to get back on to the bed, especially now that Discord was there. Discord absolutely loved messing with him, ever since he found out that he was with Luna, Discord would jump at the chance to make his life a little bit harder. Luna had previously told him that Discord only messed with him as a screwed up form of bonding. He didn't give a buck.
The trio of gods watched Twilight Sparkle and her friends run for their lives from the massive and enraged Hydra, which was still bellowing out its ear-splitting roars. What happened next took all three gods completely by surprise. Somewhere out of the view of the scryeing pool they could hear somepony start to shout.
"LEEEEEERROOOOOOY JEEENNNKIIIINNNNSSS!!!!!" They heard as some strange creature clad in red and black and wielding two large odd looking blades came swinging into view on a large vine from the Everfree Forest and flying straight at the equally surprised Hydra. This surprised the Hydra most of all since nothing ever attacked the beast until then. Then in one deft movement the bipedal creature cut the middle two heads clean off with the two blades he was lofting over his head just moments before, somehow ignoring the armor-like scales on its neck. The two other heads screamed in pain as the mysterious creature seemed to strike some sort of pose as the middle two head's collapsed onto the ground behind him.
"Catch phrase." The creature uttered in a deep and extremely serious tone while holding his pose and directing his gaze towards the ponies. Discord was so dumbstruck that he didn't even notice the Night Guard who had finally gotten onto the bed and was now watching the scrying pool with the same dumbfounded expression.
The three gods and the Night Guard continued to stare at the mirror pool even after the scrye spell wore off because of Luna’s faltering concentration. No pony said anything until finally Celestia broke the silence; "Soooo... That just happened.... What do we do now?"
"Get some ice cream and think about it later?" Luna suggested.
"Sounds Good." Discord replied, still surprised at the fact that he was still surprised.
"I can go for that." Celestia agreed. The Night Guard just followed Luna, yawning heavily and went with the trio to get ice cream despite his drowsiness.
----A Few Minutes Earlier Back at the Clearing in the Everfree Forest----
The bipedal creature had constructed a campfire with a large amount of assorted bits of wood and was now roasting rabbit meat on a stick over the fire as the creature itself bit into a chunk of meat.
[Nothin like a bit of wolf- wood smoked rabbit to set your mind at ease.]
[Here in the random ass forest we only use the highest quality wolf- wood around to smoke your rabbit.]
"You know, strange enough as it is, this actually does not taste like chicken, like at all. Weird." the creature mused. He then quickly started to gnaw away at the foot of the rabbit. "Damn I'm feelin lucky as shit right now! Where’s the casino?" The creature inquired to itself.
[First, I don't think eating the rabbit's foot is supposed to be lucky, you’re supposed to wear it around your neck. Second, we are in the middle of the mother fucking woods, why the hell would there be a casino nearby!?]
[.... That's stupid you’re supposed to eat it and gain its power, let's go rob a bank instead!]
"Fuck Yeah!"
[I hate you. I hate you both. I really do.]
[Nah, man you just walk backwards it's really not that complicated.]
[AAAAGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!]
The creature had pulled up its mask a little so it could eat and under the mask the creature’s skin was riddled with scars and pock marks all over its neck and mouth. The skin seemed warped and stretched and even bulged up a little in some places. Something was clearly wrong with the creature but he gave no sign of it.
At that moment a loud bellowing roar could be heard from not too far away followed by the fearful shrieks of a group of chicks in dire need of some saving with a side of hero.
[Dude, did you hear that? Sounds like a bunch of scantily clad cheerleaders that need saving.]
[And we're the only man for the job.]
"Sounds like I'm gonna have to bring hell to Frog Town... Click! Click!" The creature declared, pulling out his sidearm and cocking it.
While the noises of the roars and screams were moving fast, the creature moved faster. In order to be of any assistance, he would have to head them off so he'd have time to set up and form a plan in order to save those girls. With this in mind, he sprinted through the forest whilst performing amazing feats of dexterity as he bobbed and weaved past every obstacle in a way that only someone adept in the art of parkour could. Well, except he was pretty sure he stepped on what looked like a chicken's head sticking out of a bush. At the sheer speed at which this creature moved it didn't take long before he was in front of whatever it was that was making all that noise.
What he saw next he could honestly say that he was not expecting.
[Was that a FUCKING HYDRA!?!?]
[Who gives a shit about the Hydra, those screams we heard, the ones that were SUPPOSED to be coming from a bunch of scantily clad woman, were being emitted from..... Ponies? WTF Mate?]
"So we landed in a dimension with sentient equines and large mythical beasts? Maybe? Possibly? I don't know but we still should act the hero even if they are a bunch of horses. Which, hold up.... yeah, match all the colors in my crayon box. This might take a while to set in, well whatever we still got a Hydra to kill, so the plan goes!"
[We should probably set up some impromptu ambush.]
[Yeah and get the surprise round once it gets close enough!]
"I found a vine!"
[Good for you, Jackass.]
[Now we have to take into concept that this is a Hydra so whatever we do we should never ever--]
"Time’s up. You’re taking too long, let's fuckin do this!" In that time the creature had already managed to climb up into a tree and was holding the long vine.
[Wait! No! Don't!]
"LEEEEEERROOOOY JEEEEENNNNKIIIIIINNNNNSSS!!!!!!!!!" The red and black clad biped yelled out at the top of his lungs as he flung himself from the tree and was now hurtling downward at the creature at extreme speeds with both long swords drawn and raised over his head in a crossing position and legs positioned and ready for impact. If a Hydra were to ever show four different faces of surprise at the same time, which would probably be what this particular Hydra looked like at that moment. The creature fell towards the middle two heads and the creature proceeded to bring both his long swords down onto the neck of the beast in what could only be described as a falling helicopter slash and cleaving through the armor-like scales to cleanly decapitate both of the massive heads near the base of the long necks of the gargantuan monstrosity, causing them to flop onto the ground throwing a cloud of dust up into the air. The biped hit the ground and rolled in order to break the fall.
The creature rolled into a standing posture facing away from the group of ponies, now standing tall with a slight confident slump with one of his sword's laying across his shoulders and the other pointed at the Hydra. The red and black creature turned to the ponies in an almost menacing way. Then it spoke in a deep and dead serious tone in which it said; "Catch Phrase."
[Nailed It!]
[Wait, those scales were hard as shit how did we cut through them? That doesn't seem physically possible!]
[Yeah but it was physically awesome!]
Twilight Sparkle was raising a shaking hoof which was pointing behind the strange new creature.
"Dude! Don't ruin the moment!" the creature yelled at Twilight who seemingly backed up in fear of him but was still looking behind him. "Oh, wait I wasn't talking to you. What are you looking at anyways? That thing must be nearly crippled from pain by no-- Oh...." The creature looked behind him to find that the Hydra had grown four more heads in the place that he had just cut off two.
[See, this is what I was trying to warn you about but nooooo! Neither of you ever listen to me!]
[Why didn't you speak up!?]
[I couldn't, dumb ass here jumped before I had time.]
"The fun has been DOUBLED!" the creature yelled excitedly as he made ready to charge the beast.
[No! Wait! The fun has not been doubled! The fear has been doubled, you moronic freak!]
[Fuck That!]
Everypony looked in horror as this new alien creature turned and charged at the furious Hydra whose lethal power had just been amplified by the creature's foolish opening attack. Fluttershy had fainted after seeing the gore filled scene of the initial double decapitation and was not moving. Then everypony else noticed that Pinkie had stopped vibrating.
"So... is this the doozy?" Twilight asked without taking her eyes from the scene in front of her.
"Yup." Pinkie stated just as flabbergasted as Twilight. Even the notoriously random Pinkie Pie was unsure of how to react to this situation.
----Back at Canterlot Castle Dining Hall----
"Now look, hear me out first, all I'm saying is that the gravitational pull that this planet has on its residents is already so heavy on the ponies. Wouldn't it make everypony's life a little easier if I just lowered it a little? I mean look at it this way, it's already an astronomical anomaly so it’s not like it’s supposed to exist anyway." Discord pleaded, shaking his spoon full of ice cream at the two sisters as he attempted to request a little more chaotic leeway.
"No!" both sisters shouted in an annoyed tone, shooting down all of Discord's ideas for altering the fabric of reality.
"Look Discord, I know you’re bored but you’re going to have to find a way to entertain yourself without any catastrophic consequences." Celestia told Discord, trying to sound as understanding as possible.
"Guuuhh! Fine." Discord threw up his hands in defeat as he went back to finishing his ice cream, mumbling to himself about the implications and advantages of exploding bunnies.
The four of them continued to eat their deserts in an awkward silence until it was broken by Luna. "So who wants to check on the progress of whatever was going on with twilight and that thing that popped out of the woods?" Luna asked the group. Each of them shrugged in agreement and moved over to be closer to the middle of the table where Luna performed her scrye spell once more. "Alright, here we go. Let's see what they're up to now." The image wavered in showing the same place that they left off. This time the room was filled with the noise of a mixture between various profanities being shouted and a multitude of monstrous roars from the many heads of the Hydra which had increased in number from four to what looked like eight heads. The strange creature that they had seen charging towards it earlier; was suspended in mid-air by the Hydra that continuously attacked it, but to no avail. The red and black biped impressively fended off each attack. It was kicking and hacking away at each of the heads as they came at him, each attack propelling him into the air and sometimes it would even prop itself up by two heads attacking at once to his sides while slicing at heads attacking at his rear and front. A scene of gore and horror could be seen below the mid-air stunt battle as a literal pile of enormous heads had begun to pile up, some much more cut up than others.
"Fifty bits says he gets torn apart!" Discord called in an attempt to start a betting ring.
"Discord!" Celestia scolded Discord whilst looking appalled at the thought.
"Oh lighten up, Tia. This is a foreign species were dealing with that has placed itself in this position of danger. By your own law if we are not directly involved in this conflict than we are not allowed to intervene. Besides, it’s also happening inside the vicinity of the Everfree which is outside our jurisdiction, hence the name." Luna explained calmly, not taking her eyes off the battle.
"I really need to go over my own laws; I seem to keep forgetting them. Fine then, one hundred bits says split in half." Celestia said passively.
"Tia! I'm surprised at you." Luna gasped in mock surprise. "Only one hundred bits, I'm going to have to match you with one-fifty for decapitation."
"Two-hundred says he lives." The Night Guard added, still drowsy from being woken up.
"Thou darest bet against thy own princess?" Luna asked jokingly in her archaic accent. "Thy drowsiness makest thou quite bold." Luna added humorously.
"A bold bet indeed, I wish I could share the same optimism in this strange creature’s skill despite how impressive it already is. It seems to be continually making things harder for itself." Celestia stated with a legitimate sense of worry, despite having already placed a bet against its life.
"Wait, you can talk?!" Discord interjected looking at the Night Guard in surprise. "I honestly thought you were a mute! You've never said a word to me or around me the entire time I've been here. I actually thought that was the reason Luna liked you so much." The Night Guard yawned loudly in response. "Oh... you cheeky bastard."
Turning back to the scrying pool Luna had made, they noticed that the creature had somehow managed to cut off yet another head of the Hydra, which was now growing two more in its place. "I think I'm wearing it down!" The creature called down to the ponies whilst stabbing one of the heads in the nose and using the force of the Hydra trying to shake him off to kick two other heads away from him and nailing another in the eye with his other sword.
Twilight and the others were yelling at this possibly insane creature to stop cutting off the Hydra's head's and that he was making the situation worse than it already. Suddenly one of the heads got into the creature's blind spot and snatched him up into his mouth. Everypony gasped in fright as the Hydra made to swallow him whole. Surprisingly, the head that held the creature seemed to have stopped moving not even making to swallow the biped in its mouth. The other heads looked at the head holding the creature in confusion. The four watching through the scrying pool had a similar look on their faces.
The head holding the creature suddenly dropped from the air with a loud thud as it hit the ground. It was seemingly dead. The other heads now looked at the fallen head with a hint of fear, not understanding why it didn't just swallow the damn thing. The head began to stir, the mouth slowly opening. Grunting sounds could be heard within the Hydras mouth. Finally the mouth opened all the way, revealing the biped holding up the mouth in one hand while yanking at something that seemed to be stuck at the roof of its mouth with the other. The creature finally jarred loose what he was pulling at and unsheathed its sword from the Hydras brain cavity and spraying the grey matter across the ground as he walked out of its mouth. "Hey! I think I found its weakness. Its head becomes powerless if you lobotomize it!" The creature called out to the ponies, who were all looking at him with expressions of a mix between dumbstruck awe and horror. All the other heads of the Hydra cried out in sorrow and anger at the loss of one of its other heads, especially now that it could not grow another in its place.
Two of the heads resumed their attention back on the creature that was now running and jumping off the brain dead head's snout. Both heads lunged forward to intercept the creature mid-air, mouths wide open in preparation to chomp the creature in half. "Pineapple Surprise!" The creature called out as it lobbed two green egg looking objects into both of the mouths that were heading toward it. With a loud BOOM; the two mouths exploded open, gushing out torrents of gore and blood and collapsing onto the ground as well. A third head swung down to catch the leaping creature mid-air in which the creature used the opportunity to promptly somersault over the diving mouth and used the top of the head as a step to jump off of as he dived for another head trying to intercept him from the side. He disposed of that head quickly after landing atop of it and shoving the full length of his sword through its eye and into its brain. He then used the falling head as a kick stand to pull his sword from the head while slashing at another incoming head as another came from below, hoping to catch him off guard while a third head came from above. He propped the lower one’s mouth open with a split kick right before slamming its jaws closed and shoving one of his sword's through its gums and into its brain, while simultaneously throwing his other sword into the mouth of the upper head and lobotomizing that one as well. Using his now free hand; he grabbed one of his flash bangs and tossed it into the mouth of the head he slashed at earlier, which was coming around for a second run. The mouth erupted with a brilliant flash of light as the creature hid his eyes and the Hydra head roared in pain from the massive third degree burns inside its mouth. The creature hit the ground and rolled as two more heads came crashing down around him.
There were only three operational heads left and they were not giving any sign of wanting to give up. In fact the last three heads seemed to be more determined than ever, two of which were giving thunderous roars of frustration and anger while the third flailed about in pain and rage. The enraged head came down in a great swooping arc, now trying to bash this troublesome creature to death, he responded by back flipping over the sweeping head and while in mid arc of the flip, grabbing onto the head and riding the flailing Hydra back up into the air to go after the remaining heads. However the raging head did not like this plan at all and started to fiercely shake in an effort to try and get the biped off and was quickly flung high into the air by the force of the action. Both of the still good heads quickly took this opportunity to catch him on his way down. As the two heads came up to meet him, the creature quickly did a barrel roll to avoid the Hydra's attacks, using his sword as a kind of blade shield. As he passed by one head, he stopped the barrel roll and shoved his sword through the eye of one of the Hydra’s heads in mid-flight, the momentum and angle of which caused the blade to go straight through to the brain. The biped had immobilised yet another head and promptly back flipped off of it as it fell. The scorched head caught him at mid arc off guard and bashed him with its head, sending him careening through the air in a heap of profanities and flesh. The other head tried to catch him and eat him whole as he was flung in one direction but the creature was holding his sword between his legs; making some sort of pseudo stinger. As the head came around to swallow him, it instead got a blade shoved through the roof of its mouth, which the creature promptly used as a kick stand to jump back out of the mouth and yank his sword free. The creature landed atop one of the fallen heads on which he sheathed his sword and drew two very large knives. He then began to run up the neck of the fallen head while deftly dodging the blind attacks of the last remaining Hydra head until it reached the back of the Hydra. There he made an about turn to face the neck of the remaining head and used the knives to stab-climb his way up the final head as the head flung itself about in a last-ditch attempt to shake him off. When he finally reached the top of the head, he held on for dear life with one hand as the head began to slam itself against the ground and with the other hand he drew his long sword once more and plunged the blade into the ear hole of Hydra, finishing off the final head.
The strange and frightening bipedal creature yanked out his sword and quickly wiped off the blood before sheathing the blade and doing the same for the two large knives. He then rose and started to approach the ponies. Everypony was frozen in place unsure whether they should run or see what he wants. The creature was now standing before them and looking down at them. "So, after I kill one of those things am I like, supposed to absorb its soul and gain its power or something because that would be sick as fuck." It questioned curiously. "I mean I know it’s not technically a dragon but it’s pretty damn close right? Right? No? Okay. That's cool."
No pony moved, not even the princesses watching from the castle were sure of what to think. "Wh-who are you?" Twilight spoke up first.
"Ah! The name’s Wade Wilson!" It spoke up cheerfully. "But you can call me DEADPOOL!
The Magic Show By Darth Quadro Edited by: Darklordtheslayer WARNING: Any likeness to actual people or event's is completely on purpose go complain to someone else Viewer discretion is advised
[Son of Bitch!] [Son of Bitch!] "Son of a Bitch!" Deadpool cried.
"What is it?!" Twilight asked worriedly as she whirled around to find Deadpool clutching his foot.
"Stubbed my toe." Deadpool said, hopping on one foot while clutching the other.
"Oh." Twilight deadpanned. Pinkie was now copying Deadpool's pain dance and hopping around with him. Deadpool then stopped and stared at Pinkie. After noticing this, Pinkie herself stopped and stared back, now wearing a moustache. Deadpool shivered and then continued on with twilight.
"So let me get this straight, your deities are some jumbled up version of all three types of ponies and they also double as your eternal rulers of your country?" Deadpool inquired with genuine interest. [DICTATOR FO LIFE ya’ll, that shit be ballin] [Oh please stop, you’re embarrassing yourself]
"Um yeah, pretty much." Twilight replied.
"And not only that but these god rulers have the ability to control the movement of both the sun and moon because the laws of Gravity are all sorts of fucked up?" Deadpool continued. [For the love of all that is holy, which apparently are the two sisters we are about to meet, it's not like she didn't just get through explaining this to you. Fuckin listen, man.] [Huh, Thor don't seem to have shit on these goddesses. HA! Prick!]
"Laws of what now?" Twilight queried confusedly.
"That’s what I thought. Now tell me why exactly you and the Super Friends dragged me all the way to this city again. My memory tends to be a bit hazy after getting stabbed through the heart." [And you’re Too Late!] [You Give Love... A BAD NAME!]
Twilight looked away sheepishly. "I'm so sorry about that, I swear it was an accident."
"It’s fine, it happens to me more often than you'd believe, and I believe I asked for a recap. Also it's supposed to be shot through the heart." [AND YOU’RE TOO--] "No! None of that! Shame on you!"
".... Who are you talking to!?" Twilight questioned as everypony stopped and stared at deadpool..... And Deadpool was stared back.
"I love that Song!" Pinkie Pie squealed. Now everypony... and Deadpool was staring at her. Pinkie just flicked her eyes between them. "What? Bon Jovi rocks." [Can....can she hear us?] [I don't know dude but I'm scared, hold me and don't let go.]
Deadpool stuttered heavily and continued to stare at Pinkie. Everypony else just shrugged and just went with; it's just Pinkie Pie.
"So anyways, about why we're here." Twilight went on matter-of-factly, which snapped Deadpool out of his daze. "We brought you here so that we can go see the princesses and find out whether they might know of a way to send you back to your own world and if no--"
"Behold everypony, and feast your eyes on The Great and Powerful Trixie! Behold the most powerful magic ever witnessed by pony eyes as I, The Great and Powerful Trixie, challenge anypony brave enough to face me!" A blue and silver maned unicorn barked at a crowd. This magical mare was stood on her hind legs (presumably showing off), atop a raised wooden stage attached to a brightly coloured gypsy caravan with flamboyant decorations and sparkling fireworks going off around it.
At that point, Deadpool raised an eyebrow, as if he suddenly had a big idea.
"Hold that thought for a moment." Deadpool put a finger up to twilight in a signal to wait as he steadily walked over to the crowd.
"Ah, I see a freak within our midst. Have you strange creature come to bow before the glory that is I The Great and Powerful Trixie or do you plan to make a feeble attempt to try and best The Great and Powerful Trixie?!" Deadpool was now making his way on to the stage to stand before Trixie. "I see that you are both a freak and a fool if you think you could ever possibly best The Great and Powerfu--"
Deadpool then squatted down some to be at Trixie’s eye level. "Have you ever played Street Fighter?"
"What? How dare you interrupt The Great and Powerful-- BLRRPH!!!"
"SHORYUKEN!!!!!!!!!" Deadpool bellowed as he delivered a mighty Rising Dragon Uppercut to the chin of the unprepared Trixie, throwing her far backwards off the stage knocking her out cold. Everypony within earshot was now staring at or in the direction of Deadpool as he coolly walked back to the group escorting him to the castle. The entire block and then some was dead silent for a while. "Best that Bitch." Deadpool said to himself. [You are now 20% more bad ass] [Only 20%?] [He took a penalty for hitting a girl even if she was a bitch] [Magic... Mother fucker!]
"Fuckin Street performers always get on my nerves, ‘specially ones like that one back there. Well anyways what was that about the princesses? You left off at 'if not'."
"If not, then how to help you integrate into Equestrian society." Twilight said still flabbergasted and staring at the limp, unconscious body of Trixie laid out on the cobble stone.
"Okay, He's going to need some serious work." Rarity murmured to herself in quiet despair.
Big Macintosh simply glared at Deadpool. While he didn’t like Trixie himself, he would never condone hitting a lady… or a Trixie.
Fluttershy just whimpered as she tried to hide herself under her hooves.
"Personally I would have gone with a hadouken but that works too." Pinkie stated in an analytic way.
"Sir, you’re going to have to come with us." said one of the six guards now surrounding them.
"Shit." Twilight profaned under her breath. [I heard that!]
-----Meanwhile at the Thrones of Canterlot-----
Celestia and Luna and a Night Guard were all standing around a scrying pool that Luna had summoned, observing the progress of the new arrival.
"Tia, how do you know we can trust this new creature, he seems...... twitchy at best and most unpredictable." Luna pleaded to her sister. Luna had long lost her old world dialect as she had been here for long enough to learn the modern language, however she did still sometimes slip back into her old dialect given the circumstances. "I mean he hasn't been in the city ten minutes and already he has assaulted one of our subjects."
Celestia gave Luna a reassuring look. "Lu-Lu, Come now, I know that I cannot trust him and that is exactly why I requested Twilight bring him here to us." Luna shot Celestia a confused look. "Let me explain. Canterlot is heavily guarded all around the city while Ponyville barely even has a police force, let alone guards so if anything were to go wrong, this would be the ideal place for it to happen. Just as well Twilight has made sure to completely disarm him before bringing him to Canterlot so he has no means to cause us any real harm anyways. I thought you of all ponies would realize this first, my warrior sister."
"It is not I that I worry for, dear sister." Luna sighed, giving a cursory glance to the Night Guard poised at attention right beside Luna. "Tia, you've seen what this creature is capable of. I do not believe that removing its weapons will make it completely harmless."
Celestia smiled warmly at Luna. "I have also seen the creature save a pony he had never met before under what most ponies would consider impossible odds even if his success was a bit 'ahem' overkill..."
"I wouldn't consider it impossible odds." Luna pouted. The night guard smirked a little and then returned to his stoic expression.
Celestia rolled her eyes. "Well Lu-Lu, not everypony is a living goddess like you now are they."
Luna giggled and then soon after Celestia, joined her soft laughter.
DeadPool Forever! By Darth Quadro Edited by Darklordtheslayer WARNING: Over consumption of text may cause castration viewer discretion is advised
-----Meanwhile in the Halls of Canterlot Castle-----
"I WON’T SAY NUTTIN TILL I GET MY PHONE CALL! YA HEAR ME! YOU AINT GETTING SHIT OUTTA ME!" Deadpool yelled [Don't forget to get his name so you can report him to his superior officer.] [FUCK DA PO-LICE!]
"Wade, shut up." Twilight sighed.
"I DIDN'T HEAR YOU READ ME MY RIGHTS! I HAVE RIGHTS YOU KNOW! YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME!" [They are in strict violation of the Human Rights laid down by the Constitution and its many Amendments.] [I Said FUCK DA PO-LICE!]
"You’re not even a registered being in all Equestrian history, so technically you actually don't have any rights and Wade... Shut Up Already!" Twilight pleaded. [OOOhhhh yeeeeeaaaah we're not in Kansas anymore Todo.] [DA PO-LICE HAVE YOU FUCKED THEM YET?]
"I PLEAD THE FIFTH! I PLEAD THE FIFTH! I PLEAD THE FOURTH AS WELL.... JUST FOR GOOD MEASURE!" [I thought we just went over this, the constitution doesn't work here, and they don't even have it here. Also I don't think either of those amendments apply to this situation, you're making shit up.] [AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!! MY BODY!!!]
"Um... yes, Wilson, do be a dear and SHUT YOUR EVER FLAPPING MOUTH BEFORE I RIP IT OFF AND THEN FEED IT TO YOU BY SHOVING IT DOWN YOUR THROAT!" Rarity Screamed at Deadpool, causing everypony to cringe and the guard's ears to flatten in fright. They were now standing in front of the two Princesses too.
"Rarity! Show some tact when you’re in the presence of royalty! You of all people, or ponies, or whatever." Deadpool said mockingly in shock. [Holy Shit you actually remembered her name?] [Remembered what now?]
Never before has such pure unadulterated rage coursed through Rarity's veins. So Strong was this feeling of rage that even Big Macintosh backed a few feet away from Rarity, fearing that he may be caught in her wrath. Luckily through dealing with Sweetie Belle on a nearly daily basis, Rarity had developed a coping mechanism for just this kind of situation and within seconds she had composed herself again and was now smiling as if nothing had happened. Rarity's hidden boxing bag in her expansive closet would probably not survive her next night home.
Luna opened up a psychic link with her sister so they could talk without the others hearing. The Sisters have always found their psychic link to be extremely useful in almost any situation as it allows them to communicate with each other at eight times the rate of oral speech. 'He's a bit of a loud one don't you think, Tia?'
'Hmmm, yes, but you have to admit that was pretty funny what he did to Rarity though' Celestia chuckled inwardly without showing any external signs of amusement. This being a long practiced and honed skill that had been mastered by both sisters over a very long time. This skill has helped both sister's survive many various and gruelling tasks, such as Suffering through minor disputes in Law interpretation's that have no real world effects, or dealing with her "Nephew" Prince Blueblood, who Celestia still cannot figure out just how he's related to her! Maybe he's one of Cadance's illegitimate children; hey, being the goddess of love and all you never can be sure.
'Tia! You’re awful!' although Luna was doing the inward chuckle as well.
Everypony was now glaring daggers at Deadpool, but he simply laughed them off. "Oh c'mon everyone, calm down, at least they thought it was funny." He declared, indicating to both princesses.
Celstia and Luna both looked up in surprise. "I beg your pardon?" Luna asked inquisitively. Had this thing really seen through guise that both she and her sister had spent over a millennium in perfecting. 'Do you think he could really see through our guise? I mean I could maybe understand him seeing through mine as I never used it as much, but there's no way he could have seen through yours. Right, Tia?'
'There appears to be more to this one than expected, we'll have to be more wary of our actions as well as his. He may be far more observant than he lets on' Celestia thought calmly as she looked over the strange bipedal creature. She'd had seen plenty of bipeds before such as Minotaur’s but they are pretty rare and never has she seen one so chimp like. She had seen plenty of monkeys during her trip to Saddle Arabia as they seemed to wander around there like the common house cat there. It was strange the creature held the characteristics of a monkey. However there was no tail, it stood up straight and was much larger.
Twilight at this time had already made her way up to Celestia to stand next to her after a quick nuzzle and then plopped down next to her due to the mental exhaustion brought on by trying to deal with Deadpool for so long and in such a constant dosage. The rest of the group was now just standing around wondering who should say what. The night guard continued to intently stare at Deadpool. Deadpool considered staring back but he decided to reserve that for another time.
"So, what do we call you?" Luna spoke up first.
"Some people call me the Space Cowboy. Some people call me Maauurice. Some people-" Deadpool half sang half spoke until he was interrupted by Twilight.
"His name is Wade Wilson, my pardons your majesties but he tends to get into these bouts of singing and waste time." Twilight said quickly. [Hey, what the hell? That wasn't cool!] [Bitch be steppin on my swag, yo.] [Oh please, not this again.]
"Awwwwww you ruin all my fun, anyways I do my own introduction thank you very much so don't interrupt me again." Twilight was slightly taken back by the abrupt way in which he spoke. "The names Wade Wilson, but I'm more commonly known as The Crimson Comedian, The Regeneratin Degenerate, or most of all The Merc with a Mouth. But you can call me DEADPOOL!” Deadpool was now standing in his proud and confident ‘merc for hire’ stance with his chest puffed out and all his muscles flexed. [We are ignoring the fact that this entire dimension has never heard of us cuz here we aren't commonly known or anything.] [Hey don't ruin the intro dude; it's our time to shine.]
'Is it just me or did that sound rehearsed’ Luna thought to Celestia. 'He sure did put a lot of emphasis on his title.'
'Oh no, I'm sure this isn't his first time doing this. He's probably done this hundreds of times in fact. That’s probably why he got so offended when Twilight interrupted him. What I find amusing is that his chosen name sounds more like a normal name than his actual given name.' Celestia started to do the inward chuckle again. Twilight had already face hoofed and was holding it there.
"Now before we begin I have just one question for you two princesses." Deadpool announced while still in full mercenary mode.
"Proceed." Celestia responded.
"What the hell is that thing and can I kill it?" Deadpool said now pointing to the Night guard at Luna's right hoof side who, in response to Deadpool's statement, had now crouched low into attack position with his draconic wings flared out. He was now snarling at Deadpool and bearing his teeth. The night guard’s attack posture was in all very intimidating and any normal pony or person would probably have shit themselves a little bit and then run away. However to someone who has survived over a week in the Marvel Zombies Universe and escaped more or less intact, the night guard might as well have been a puppy. Which just so happens that is exactly what Deadpool's deranged mind was making him look like; a cute little puppy with demonic wings. It was both the cutest and most evil looking puppy Deadpool had ever seen and he has seen some pretty damn evil puppies in his time.
Luna had an offended look across her face as she turned to the Night guard. “Stand down Shatter Shield. He is of no threat yet." She then turned back to Deadpool with a scornful gaze. "How Dare You! This is my elite royal personal guard as well as the Captain of my Night Guards and you dare threaten him!?" After returning to his original pose Shatter Shield raised an eyebrow at him as if asking 'you think you can take me?'
Obviously not getting Shatter Shield’s challenge Deadpool continued. "Wait, your personal guard is a demonic puppy? Cuz I was just gonna bag it and drown it in the pond or something." Fluttershy had let out a squeal of terror at the thought of what Deadpool was saying. [Bag 'em and tag 'em that’s what pa always used to say.] [And just look at how well we turned out.... allllll three of us....]
"What are you talking about?" Luna asked now once again quite thoroughly confused.
"Okay wait, so your Captain of the guard is not a both cute and super evil looking puppy? Because I’ve seen some pretty damn evil looking puppies and this one takes the cake." Deadpool said, eyeing the tiny yipping spawn of Satan. [And eats it too.] [You’re not funny] [Awwwwww...]
"What? No!" Luna scoffed at the strange remark.
"Ohhh, alright I must still be hallucinating then... hold on give me a second..." Deadpool uttered, turning around and crossing his arms looking up slightly, and pretty much doing the thinker pose. [You realize we are not something you can just turn off right?]
"Can you at least turn off Pool'O Vision while I talk to the princesses we kinda need to get down to business now and we've wasted enough time already." [But I like the demon puppy, reminds me of good Ol'Buster, if he had gone to hell and returned to take vengeance on us for what we did to him.] [Yeah, nope. I’m taking Pool'O Vision away from you before you drag up any more suppressed memories.]
"Ahh. Good. Now that that's settled, is your Night guard supposed to look like a pony did the nasty with a dragon and this is its bastard son?"
"Um, well… I guess that’s one way of putting it, but overall that’s a pretty accurate description so yes." Luna replied as she tried to figure out what just happened and who she was speaking to. 'Um, Tia? Any ideas on what that was about? Because I’m a little lost...'
'Yes actually, Twilight was just telling me that Deadpool is Schizophrenic and often talks to himself at random times.' Celestia replied.
'Schizophrenic, that’s the one where you have multiple voices in your head, right? Kind of like what I have?' Luna began pondering thinking back to Nightmare Moon.
Celestia sensed her sister start to slip into some depression at the reminder. 'No, Lu-Lu. You have Multiple Personality Disorder. Don't worry it runs in the family, just look at our sister Chrysalis; she never did figure out who she was, kind of how the how the whole changeling thing got started. Not to mention that all of us have abandonment issues thanks to Mother, well other than Cadance but she has different issues. So, cheer up Lu-Lu; compared to the majority of our family’s track record I'd say that you've done pretty well. and yes it is the one with multiple voices in his head and in some cases causes hallucinations as well. However, with this one I feel that there is something more to this then just mere schizophrenia.' Celestia explained to Luna.
'What do you mean ‘something more’?' Luna asked curious of her sister’s ponderings.
'I don't quite know yet but I plan on finding out.' Celestia said determined.
"So now onto business, Twilight said you were the only two who may have the capabilities to send me home, right?" [Right.] [Right!]
"Wrong. Me and my sister looked diligently throughout our kingdom’s library and sent word to the other kingdoms, but no word has been received of any kind of spell resembling a Cross Dimensional Travel spell and even if we do manage to find one we are unsure of whether or not we are capable of performing such powerful magic." Celestia stated sadly.
"Ffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…" [uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…] [uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…] "…uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!" Deadpool yelled while performing the Platoon signature death fall. "I realise that it must be hard knowing that you will not be able to return to your friends and loved ones back in your home dimension but I’d like to assure you that we wi---" Luna was suddenly cut off by a hysterical Deadpool.
"Are you fuckin kidding me? I hated those people and I'm sure there glad to be rid of me too. I was sick of doing all the 'heroes' favours just to have them spit in my face. I was the most hated person in the entire damn galaxy maybe even Universe and I got that title from saving the whole fuckin thing three fucking times!" Deadpool ranted. [Um dude, I think you should settle down a bit.] [Yeah man like holy shit your spillin the beans on some things we should probably keep on the down low.] "Shut the Fuck Up!"
"What in Equestria are you yelling about? If you hated the place so much why are you so angry you can't go back!?" Luna demanded. Shatter Shield was now slowly readying himself into Attack position.
'Um, Luna, I wouldn't recommend you push him any further, he seems to be getting volatile.' Celestia warned.
'Hush, Tia! This is important,' Luna responded, rising from her throne. Shatter Shield looked over at her worriedly. Luna did not return his gaze. Celestia then nodded knowingly. "You wanna know why I'm Mad!? You really wanna know what pisses me the right off!? What really pisses me off is that this place... This Fucking Planet is So.. Damn... Boring!" The reason for his anger actually took Luna by surprise but nonetheless she continued to move slowly toward the enraged Deadpool. Shatter Shield began shifting nervously flicking his eyes between Luna and Deadpool. Celsetia gave Shatter Shield along with all of her own guards a command to hold their position. "Twilight told me herself that there hasn't been a war in all of Equestria for over a thousand Fucking years! Do you know what I am? Do you know what I do?! I’m a Mother Fucking Mercenary! The MERC with a Mouth! I Kill People for money! And no one is better at what I do than ME! Fuck You Wolverine!" [ummmm.....?] [Dude let's stay out of this one for now.]
"So you’re angry at our success in peace and prosperity?! The very thing you work to achieve in your Universe? Are you so Hypocritical as to hate what you want most!?" Luna screamed back. She was now only about a yard and a half away from Deadpool. Shatter Shield was now nearly graveling the marble floor with his nervous scraping, wanting to jump in front of Luna to protect her from this raging lunatic. Twilight looked up at Celestia in fear, wondering if she should do something about the situation. Celstia just watched in anticipation.
"I don't think you understand the problem here 'Princess'! In my Universe there is no such thing as a happy ending, not for me at least. It doesn't matter how many wars I stop or how many people I kill, they just keep fighting! So then I try not killing people and just living day to day which is hard enough when you already look like a walking mutilated corpse! Yeah, that's right all you ponies this costume ain't just for show! So I try living life without killing people. Oh! And it’s alright for a few weeks but then I get bored. Do you know how I pass the time when I get bored of everything else? Huh? I fucking kill myself! You heard right everypony; I literally explore different methods of suicide to pass the time! So do you know what this world is to me? All this world is to me is endless suicide, eternal death just repeating itself over and over because I can never die! And To top it all off I’m in love With Death! Lady Death is the only woman for me, the only girl that understands me and I can never Truly be with her!" Deadpool wailed in frustration.
'Tia, remind me later not to tell him that our brother is the Reaper' Luna thought quickly to Celestia as she continued to approach. The other ponies shifted around nervously and Pinkie just sat staring at the event unfolding while calmly waiting.
'Yeeeah, you’re probably right about that one, I was surprised to hear that he is an immortal like us but not quite like us though because though it may be difficult, I know that we can die.' Celestia pondered.
'Yes that is strange, must be how he got the name 'regenerating' degenerate I believe he said, I’m also curious about what he said about being a walking corpse. I have a feeling that his extraordinary power came at some great price. Now Tia I need you to tell everypony not to interfere no matter what happens, especially my Shatter Shield. If things get rough you may need to hold him back, but don't worry about me I’ll be fine. I've been needing to do this anyhoof... The last part came absent mindedly and Celestia knew that she wasn't meant to hear that but understood her sister’s feelings and let it pass. Deep down, Celestia knew that Luna was a warrior at heart.
Deadpool was slumped over on his knees looking at the ground breathing hard as Luna closed the gap between them. "So which is it, Wade Wilson? What truly scares you most? Is it that you will never die? Or perhaps, what you fear most of all is that no one will ever love you?" She gazed down at the defeated looking alien. Deadpool looked up at Princess Luna. Suddenly Deadpool’s hand shot out and grabbed Luna's head as he pulled himself up and into a full on heavy kiss on her lips. Luna's eyes shot open in surprise as she tried to pull away.
'Do Not Interfere!' Celestia quickly shot out the psychic message to everypony in the entire room while using her magic to anchor Shatter Shield to the floor after he roared in anger, which is a pretty strange sight to see a pony roaring as most ponies couldn’t do that. 'Luna you had better not make me regret this decision.' Celestia thought to herself.
Luna was just about to throw a hoof into Deadpool’s gut to get out of the kiss when he then quickly jerked himself away from her and slapped her hard across the face. During that very moment as Luna tried to figure out what in the name of her and her sister was going on. Deadpool then grabbed the top of her head with both hands and delivered a flying knee to Luna's chin. He followed this attack up by flipping over Luna's head, gripping the underside of her neck and entire body, using his own momentum and strength to do a mid-air suplex pulling Luna’s entire body over his and slamming her into the ground.
Luna's eyes shot back open as she laid on the ground. Her eyes had changed from the deep blue they usually are to teal and her pupils had become slits. Deadpool was now following up his attacks with a knee drop just as she halted his decent by holding up her forehoof. She instantly shot her other forehoof to the inside of Deadpool’s thigh and used the leverage to slam him into the ground, giving her a chance to regain her footing. Deadpool performed a side roll out of the slam, avoiding what could have been a nasty hit as he got a hint of just how strong the princess really was, not surprising considering that she was a goddess. Both combatants were now face to face a few feet from each other, as Deadpool began to smirk at her.
Everypony stared at the spectacle before them, trying to determine whether this was actually happening. Shatter Shield continued to thrash about trying to resist the magical anchor placed on him. Celsestia's interest was piqued at how this fight started as it was most unexpected.
Luna's wings flared out as she shot forward with incredible speed, throwing a right hook at Deadpool's head. He managed to dodge under it and countered with an uppercut followed by a back-flip kick, but Luna grabbed his leg at the arc of the kick and flung his body into the ground. Deadpool coughed up some blood as a result of the force from the impact."'hurk' 'cough' 'cough' Damn princess, you pack one hell of a punch." Deadpool said pushing himself back to his feet. Luna gave a smug grin. "Now, I'll Show you my ultimate technique... Watch the birdie!" Deadpool called, raising his hand as though he was holding something.
"What...?" Luna questioned, just as a piece of broken marble flooring was launched at her from Deadpool’s other hand. She easily dodged the gravel and then realized Deadpool was now standing right in front of her and the raised hand was coming down for a heavy claw- like strike across her face sending her sprawling into the ground.
"You didn't watch the birdie!" Deadpool called out laughing. Luna cried out in frustration as she scrambled back up. Luna charged full on at Deadpool, practically seething at the mouth. throwing out her right forehoof at Deadpools head. Deadpool made a feint to the left and then to the right as she followed up her attack with a left jab. At which point wrapped his arm around Luna's outstretched foreleg and slid under and around it to Luna's side. He then rolled across Luna's back with her fore leg still hooked placing Luna in an arm lock. As Deadpool touched the floor after rolling across her back he sent a vicious straight kick right into Luna's gut causing her to lift into the air from the force of the blow. She struck out with her right wing catching Deadpool on the lower portion of the rib cage causing a rib to dislodge. Deadpool still held the the arm lock strong after the wing strike so the princess jumped and spun into the hold and windmill slammed her hoof against Deadpool's head. Which forced him to back off slightly dazed. Luna took the opportunity to rush forward and wrap one fore leg around his back and used the other one to repeatedly slam her hoof into his gut which caused Deadpool to vomit blood.
As she forced Deadpool backwards as she repeatedly gut punched him, Deadpool found an opening and as she took a step forward he caught her rear leg with his her to trip and fall forward. Deadpool used the falling momentum to spin them around and seize the mounted position and worm his way out of the grip she had around his back. He proceeded to wildly flail down with his fists with no particular rhythm or reason, beating against both her face and the floor as he occasionally missed completely. Luna desperate to get out of this position, forced her wings down hard against the floor picking her up into an almost standing position and nearly flinging Deadpool off of her but he had latched on with his legs. She then kicked down with her rear legs against the floor to force both of them around her wings and flipping over her head. Deadpool face planted into the ground as Luna rolled through and she then leaped out of Deadpool's leg grip as soon as it slackened.
Deadpool quickly scrambled back to his feet just in time to see Luna descending at him with hoof raised ready to squash him. Deadpool reacted fast making for a front flip out of the way not before catching Luna in the face with the back of his heel during the arc of the flip. The unexpected strike to the head caused Luna to face plant into the ground instead of landing properly. Deadpool laughed heartily at her as she scrambled back up to her hooves. Luna growled viciously back revealing what appeared to be a row of sharp jagged teeth instead her usual set of dentures. Luna shot forward seeking out Deadpool jugular so she could rip it out with her new canines. Deadpool easily feinted the attack and as Luna's face shot passed his own he bopped her under the chin with the back of his right hand immediately followed by bringing his left elbow down onto the back of Luna's neck. Luna caught herself before hitting the floor and struck Deadpool underneath his chin with her wing. Luna jumped backward and caught Deadpool in the kidney with her elbow as she shot backwards. Deadpool tried to round house kick her in the face as she landed but Luna suddenly dropped to the floor and made for a spinning leg sweep that caught Deadpool by surprise. As Deadpool fell, Luna completed the spin and followed up her attack by spearing Deadpool with her horn through the gullet and then flinging him off to the side.
Deadpool left a streak of blood across the ground as he skidded along the floor. "That’s the second time 'hurk' today that’s happened to me.’Cough' How's your day been?’hurk'" Deadpool jokingly asked: picking himself up again, coughing up more blood and clutching the new hole in his gut. Celestia looked at Twilight curiously, at which point she witnessed Twilight looking away ashamedly.
Deadpool then charged at Luna, laughing maniacally, causing Luna to back up a little in shock and confusion. As soon as he got close enough he leaped into the air, attacking with a flying round house kick which Luna dodged followed by a mid-air axe kick which she barely managed to block. However she wasn’t fast enough to see the Hulk Smash attack that Deadpool delivered using the momentum from the previous axe kick to deliver the attack just before landing. The strength of the blow caused Luna to bounce off the ground during which time Deadpool took the opportunity to grab one of her legs and while she was in the air Deadpool spin threw her over and somersaulted along with her flung body but Luna made a mid-air recovery using her wings and promptly head-butted the somersaulting Deadpool as he came around. This was followed by a gut punch, a leg sweep and a heavy, tree shattering buck to the chest with both rear hooves, launching Deadpool high into the air. Luna launched herself into the air in pursuit and while high above the ground Luna gripped deadpool’s left arm with her teeth and began to carry out a high speed barrel-roll. The speed of Luna's spin was so violent that she ripped Deadpool's arm from its socket as his body flew to the ground at such a high speed that it created a miniature crater and sent cracks all across the now desecrated floor.
Luna dropped Deadpool's arm, shocked at the ferocity of her attack as she hovered in the air. Deadpool continued to lay there motionless. Luna landed next to the crater, worried that she might have over done it a little. At that moment Deadpool sat up like a zombie coming back to life and looked at the arm in his lap. "Thy arm hath been sundered. Doth thou yield?" Luna inquired, slipping back into the old Equestrian dialect. Everypony in the room was shocked in awe at this excessively violent turn of events. Fluttershy had long since fainted somewhere near the beginning of the fight while Rainbow Dash was trembling with excitement. Pinkie Pie was strangely calm and held her usual infectious smile on her face as she watched. Shatter Shield had already given up and just watched the fight disapprovingly, hoping that it was finally over.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Deadpool cried suddenly, shocking everpony. "That Was My Squeezin' Arm! Why'd It Have To Be My Squeezin' Arm?" He complained in a very poor southern accent. Applejack was not amused and Macintosh looked pretty much the same if not a little disgusted from the severed arm Deadpool was flailing about.
Luna drew back as she was alarmed at the strange reaction to the lost arm. "Art thou... alright?" Luna asked now a little concerned fearing she may have caused more than just physical harm. Deadpool stood up holding his left arm by the wrist in his right hand. "It appears that I have been... Disarmed!" The joke had made everypony groan. "Could you... lend me a hand?" More groans resounded in the throne room. "Nah, I'm just fuckin with ya."
Suddenly Deadpool dashed forward, laughing like a maniac and holding his arm over his head. Luna was unable to react fast enough to the insane attack as Deadpool began beating Luna with the meaty end of his arm. Deadpool lashed out connecting with ten successive strikes with his arm in a random flurry of blows to the head until Luna did a back flip double buck to the chest in order to knock him back. This sent Deadpool flying backwards. "ENOUGH! THIS ENDS NOW!" Luna cried out using the royal Canterlot voice. Deadpool had already shot up; surprised at the sheer volume the princess was capable of.
Luna shot forward with an acceleration that made even Rainbow Dash jealous. Deadpool swung at the incoming princess with his severed arm but Luna parried the attack and riposted with a left straight followed by a right hook then finished with left uppercut. As Deadpool tried to attack again Luna dodged under, throwing out her rear hooves in front of her fore hooves bucking and breaking both of Deadpool's kneecaps, after which she used her forward momentum to slide in between Deadpool's legs before he fell and grip one of his ankles with her teeth as she slid through, making a quick slide recovery and already getting back up whilst holding Deadpool's ankle. At the same moment Luna lifted Deadpool’s body into the air and proceeded to slam him against the ground repeatedly leaving large crack marks in the ground everywhere she slammed him down.
Luna kept smashing Deadpool against the ground with no sign of letting up until Celestia called out to her; "That is Enough Luna! Cease and calm your nerves." to stop her enraged sister. Luna stopped immediately and released Deadpool's leg from her mouth. Luna's eyes returned to normal, her pupil's becoming round again instead of thin, cat like slits and her eye colour changed back as well. Luna's face was that of sudden realization of where she was and what she was doing. She looked down in horror at the mangled and bloody mass of Deadpool that lay at her hooves. She then looked around at the massive destruction they had caused in the once grand throne room that now looked like a gore spattered battle field. She also noticed that she was covered in blood, granted most of it was not her blood, in fact very little of it as her blood which disturbed Luna most of all.
Luna looked up at her sister with a sorrowful look in her eyes. "I... I-I'm so sorry, Sister. I-I must have lost control. P-please forgive me." Luna's head sank low.
Celestia regarded her sister with a disappointed look. "Get yourself cleaned up now. We will talk about this later." She released Shatter Shield's magical anchor and he rushed to Luna's side to comfort her.
Luna nuzzled Shield back. "Of course, Sister." She looked down at Deadpool again. "Please forgive me Mr. Wilson I never meant to lose control like that. I'm so sorry." She said to the mangled mound flesh not expecting an answer as She began to back away from him.
Suddenly a soft, broken, and very pained laugh started to emit from the motionless broken body that surprised everypony despite it being hard to hear. Deadpool began to speak in a voice that sounded like Darth Vader without his helmet on and minus the respirator. "I can't... really understand... what anybody is saying... right now... but it sounds like... you got in trouble... Eh, Princess?" Deadpool gurgled out. "Before I black out again... I just wanted to tell you... Thank you, Princess." Everypony gawked in surprise a little except for Pinkie who seemed to have an understanding look on her face, as well as some blood spray which creeped everypony the fuck out although she was not the only pony to get splattered a little. However she was the only pony that didn't seem to react to it. Deadpool continued, "Thank you... for setting my mind... straight, well... as straight as it's gonna get... that is. I don't know... how I'm gonna adjust to... this place, but I'm a mercenary... adapting to survive... comes with the job y'know. If you’re feeling sorry... don't. Trust me... I've had much worse... done to me, heh. Anyways... I attacked you remember." [Hey we're back what did we miss.... Oh!] [Whoa holy shit man; apparently we got all kinds of Fucked Up!]
Luna smiled at Deadpool's words giving a sort of grateful curtsy. "No, thank you Wade Wilson." Luna replied. [Do you know what she said; cuz i don't know what she said? She said words right?] [Yeah, that part of our brain hasn't been repaired yet.]
"What? I still can't understand you. Oh... Can you do me a favour? Could you... put my arm back on? I don't... want to have to grow... a whole new one. That... takes a while." Luna grimaced as she picked up the severed limb and then pushed it against where it was supposed to go."Ooooow, that's still tender." Deadpool groaned in pain. [Actually I'm wondering how we're even speaking let alone clearly.] [Plot convenience.] [Oh yeah.]
"Also one last thing, dress making one.... um, Rarity! That's it! Could you... make me a new suit...? I seem to have broken... this one." Rarity face hooved and then shook her head in agreement even though he couldn't see her. "Aaaand there I go!" and just like that he was unconscious again. [Damn it!]
Luna and Shield once again started to make their way out and to the Castle bath house; she really wanted to get all of the gore off of her. She also knew that it was going to be a bit strange for the castle servants and other guards to see their princess splattered head to hoof in somepony else's blood, so she decided to teleport the both of them there instead. Everypony else was still staring at the carnage of the aftermath of the fight.
"That.... was... BUCKING AWESOME!" Rainbow Dash was the first to break the awkward silence with an almost cheer-like shout.
"Rainbow!" Applejack glared at Rainbow Dash.
"I know Right!" Pinkie gleefully chipped in.
"Pinkie!" Rarity scolded disapprovingly.
"Come on Applejack, how often does a pony get to see a goddess fight an alien? I mean it was a bit disturbing at parts I'll admit but you can't deny the sheer awesomeness of what just happened. Which reminds me, is somepony going to help him?" Rainbow asked, pointing the twisted and broken Deadpool.
"You make a good point, Rainbow Dash." Celestia added. "Guard, would you be so kind as to go retrieve a stretcher for poor Mr Wilson here? We need to get him to medical bay so he can heal." Celestia stated to the guard closest to her. It took a second for the guard to register what the Princess had said and made his way out. She looked over at Twilight whose mouth was still agape. Twilight was trying to come to terms with what just happened and the fact that she was the one who brought this alien to the castle who then attacked Princess Luna, completely ignoring all the dialogue in between. Pinkie and Rainbow were excitedly chatting away about the fight that just took place while Applejack just looked at Rainbow Dash, sighed heavily and smiled at her. Macintosh and Rarity were standing over Fluttershy trying to get her to wake up. Deadpool was still very much unconscious and not moving. Celestia just smiled and thought to herself 'well, that just happened. At least it proved to be informative.'
-------A Few Hours Later-------
Celestia was walking around the throne room taking note of the amount of damage done and the stains left. She had already dismissed all the guards to other duties and the mane six had all been given rooms at the castle. Her sister still hadn't returned from her bath with shatter shield either, Celestia knew that they were going to be a while. Deadpool had been long since carried off as well, so Celestia was now by herself in the throne room.
"'sigh' we’re going to have to re-do this entire room, that's going to take a while." She uttered to herself, looking at all the blood sprayed around.
"Oh BooHoo! You know sacrificing this room was well worth the information! Besides this place was looking a bit dull anyways it could use a little redecorating. Although I kind of like it how it is now." A voice exclaimed from seemingly nowhere.
"Hello, Discord. Did you enjoy the show?" Celestia enquired still assessing the damage and calculating prices.
The Draconaquus out of nowhere started to pull himself out of the floor. "You know Celestia, even after that whole fiasco in Ponyville I still wasn't too thrilled about coming here." Celestia rolled her eyes a little and looked over at Discord who was now lounging in her throne and picking at his teeth. "However, after seeing today’s turn of events I'm starting to think this whole ‘becoming good’ thing wasn't so bad after all. I tell you I was certain that this place was going to be as boring as boring can be, especially with you limiting my magic use, which I am still a bit sore about I might add."
Celestia just grinned at him. "So you think we can use him. I'm a bit worried about how his mental condition might affect his loyalty and morality." Celestia stated as she walked over to where Discord was lounging with sunglasses over his eyes.
"Oh I don't think morals will be an issue. While mentally unstable maybe, he's a hero at heart. So as long as you don't do anything to piss him off we should be fine on loyalty." Discord said nonchalantly. "As funny as it may sound coming from someone like me, what that guy really needs right now is some friends before we can use his skills to our benefit. And I’m sure he'll be happy to help out, what with the boredom and such. I feel like I can really relate to this one, ha-ha, who knew?"
"Alright, I'll talk to my student about him and let her know what needs to be done. I'm going to have her take him back to Ponyville, there's no way he'd last long here." Celestia declared with a slightly worried look. "You should go see Fluttershy before she leaves for Ponyville, I'm sure she'd be happy to know how you’re doing."
"Hmmm, yes. I believe I will." Discord replied whilst making his way for the door when he suddenly stopped and turned back towards Celestia. "Oh, and there's one more thing. I warn you now, do not make this alien your enemy. For if you do, I have the feeling that with the chaos he'll cause, it won't be so simple a problem to solve as your latest ones have been. That creature will tear this castle down around you and even with all your power; I doubt you'll be able to stop him, Baby Sister." Discord warned in a foreboding voice before turning back around and humming to himself as he walked out the doors.
Celestia sat down on her throne sighing heavily, she kinda just wanted this day to end already. "Ugh! What am I going to do with this?" She moaned to herself. She sat there for a minute and then got up with a sudden idea popping into her head. "I need a drink!" She then briskly trotted out of the hall, heading for her room.
