Discord teaches you how to write about sex. Trust me, you guys really need the help.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Don't judge my writing from this story, I hate it now.
Discord and Pinkie Pie. You know these two would be a great comedic pair. So they became the hosts of a show or whatever about helping people with their problems. When someone wants their help about writing a clopfic, it's their job to not only teach, but to teach the proper, correct methods.
“Knock, knock, hello? Can you guys hear me? Is this thing on?”
“Yes, Pinkie, it’s on. Whatever it is. You’re free to talk.”
“Oh, good! Hello, readers, and welcome tooooooooo…”
“Hey You, Down There!”
“Yes, that’s right, the show where we help you with your pathetic, meaningless lives! Because you losers need all the help you can get. I’m your host, Discord, and this is my beautiful…” He looked over at Pinkie, smiling with a creepy giant smile. “Sometimes beautiful cohost, Pinkie!”
“Yay! It’s great to be helping!”
Discord glared at Pinkie, wondering why he still chose to be her friend. A quick look at her flank reminded him. “Bitch, shut your mouth.” Pinkie nodded and kept quiet. “Now, for those watching for the first time, what happens is: You worthless beings send in questions, and we help you. Pinkie, would you mind pulling out our letter for the day?”
Pinkie Pie reached into the mail sack provided by the ever-so-helpful Derpy, and pulled out an envelope. She began to read.
Hello, you two!
I’m an aspiring writer, but I don’t know where I want to start. I could easily write a story about the magic of friendship, where characters learn a valuable lesson, but that sounds boring. I’d like to write something more juicy, something more enjoyable. I know you could help me with that.
Sincerely yours,
NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD
“Well, that’s a funny name! Name And Address Withheld? That must be hard to write on the birthday cakes! And it’s all in the Royal Caps Lock, too!”
“Mr. Withheld, I know what you’re referring to, and you’ve come to the right place. Wait, who am I kidding? Mr? This is obviously some horny fangirl who just wants to write her favorite characters having sex! Lucky for you, I can still help.”
“Ooh, Discord! Why is your font tipping over? The winds must be high in your speak!”
“Pinkie, that’s called italics. And if you look at yours, you are speaking in underline. This is solely to help the readers differentiate between our voices, since I don’t have the time to keep reminding them who’s talking. Anyways, let’s get to the good part, shall we? I’m going to help all you writers compose a beautiful sex story. Or, as we call it here in the business, a clopfic.”
Hey You, Down There: Discord’s Guide to Clopfics
“But Discord, you weren’t specific enough! You’re going to need to tell me what exactly a clopfic is!”
“Well, Pinkie, I’m glad you asked that question. As I’m sure all the readers are aware, the Internet was created, maintained, and is still being used for one sole purpose: Porn.” Pinkie Pie began to hum a song. “What does the Internet have anything to do with your story? Well, it’s because you’re too talentless to ever get your story published. People who read actual books don’t want to read about nothing but porn. Well, most of them, anyway. So, your story is destined to obscurity on some shitty fanfiction site. Where people go and congregate to do nothing but anything related to sex. Read it, talk about it, and in your case, write it.”
“But why, you may ask, are you writing something so vile and disgusting? If you are asking that, shut up. Clopfics provide the backbone and blood to the entire Internet, the only thing that everyone likes, even if they won’t admit it. And who are you to deny them what they want? There’s always untapped material that needs to be made. Plus, you’re just a rotten dirty bastard. This is where you belong.”
“Before you get over to your keyboard, you’re going to need a purpose to your story. You need something to accomplish. The Internet is filled with people like you, they’ve written plenty of stories. On a basic level, your purpose in this world is to make whoever reads your story feel dirty, but horny. But make your specific story original. Try to do something that hasn’t been done before. But that’s impossible, you freaks have covered everything possible.”
“And the absolute, most important thing to remember, the most important question you need to ask yourself about your story: Can I clop to this? You should be able to read your own story and end up with a sticky mess to deal with. Hopefully, more than one. But it appears that Pinkie doesn’t need our help.”
Pinkie quickly removed her hoof from her extra pink area and covered it up with her hind legs. “I was getting bored. You were doing all the talking. I needed something to do.”
“You do realize that we aren’t sitting behind anything, right? The entire world could see your actions.”
Pinkie’s face broke out in a bright red blush before it faded, her eyes half closed, and she spread her legs again. “Well then, would all of you like me to continue the performance?”
Discord was hit hard with a reminder of why he loved Pinkie. Her hyper and chaotic attitude most of the time was great fun, but when she switched gears into full-on horny, she was an absolute monster. Unfortunately, they had a show to continue. “Later, Pinkie. These people still need our help. But at least I’m pretty sure we just cured any erectile dysfunctions out there. It’s time to get into constructing the perfect clopfic.”
Step 1: Selecting Your Characters
“Ooh, character select! Uh, Liu Kang! No, Ken! Wait wait, I want to be Toon Link!”
“No Pinkie, we aren’t playing a game. What fun is a clopfic without any characters? Do you guys just want to see air have sex? Because I do. But it’s better to put in the characters we all know and love in more ways than one into the situations we want. But we’re going to need a fine selection to choose from. Let’s start with the basics.”
Discord snapped his fingers, and in a flash of white, the five other members of the Elements of Harmony appeared, dazed from the sudden teleportation. Twilight Sparkle saw the one responsible for bringing them into his realm of clear canvas, where he could design everything according to his imagination. “Discord, what are you doing? How do you have power? And why is Pinkie Pie with you?”
“Now, if you look here, we have the basic characters present in almost any clopfic. They’re usually a good place to work with, what with their character development and whatnot.” He removed three of the ponies from his little herd, leaving Applejack and Rainbow Dash. Rainbow, who had quickly caught on with what Discord was referring to, smiled. Her desire to taste those apples exceeded her want to get into the Wonderbolts. “But any sort of combination with any sort of twist involving just these six has been done already, you aren’t going to get anything original. So, it’s best to just take one of them and pair them with someone else. Try to go bizarre, something so strange that no other writer would have thought of it."
He removed Rainbow from the scene, who screamed “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!” “Don’t worry Skittles, I’ll be referring to you later. You’ll get your chance.” Discord stroked his chin, deciding on the best mate for Applejack. The lack of stallions in Equestria made his selection small. A lightbulb went off in his head as he got an idea, and his brain glowed from the light. He brought in the ever popular Lord of Shadow, King Sombra. “Nice to see you again Sombra. I brought you back from the dead. You’ve got quite the hobby for resurrection, don’t you? I’ve got a beautiful mare, just for you.” Sombra looked at Applejack, who was backing away. Sombra turned away and shook his head.
“Oh right, I forgot about Sombra’s little kink. No worries, we can fix that.” He changed Applejack’s form into that of her Crystal Pony, instantly drawing Sombra in. Unfortunately, Applejack was still wholly uninterested and scared. “The worst part of making a unique couple is that they tend to hate each other. You’re all going to need to solve this problem on your own, but I have my own solution.” He pulled out Princess Cadence from his nonexistent pocket, and began to shake her body over the scene. Love peppered over the scene he had created, and it was ready.
The Crystal Empire was falling. Crystals black as night were rising from the ground, and the Crystal Heart was still secure where King Sombra had hidden it all those centuries ago. His return and conquest had been a success. The only thing he needed to complete his victory was a trophy to prove it. In olden times, it would often be slaves and women. Sombra was an old-fashioned stallion.
He set his smoke-emitting eyes on an orange mare with a Stetson. Ever since she had arrived, he could tell that she had a thing for him. He began to picture her body, beautifully smooth crystals that were amazing to the touch. And his target was the ruby of all men’s desires.
He moved into his smoke body, and flew to the balcony of the castle, where his mare was waiting for him. She welcomed his presence, walking towards her king. She removed her hat and threw it to the ground, smiling. “Gotta say, feels real good to take that hat off. Now I’m fully naked, and we can get to the fun part of the attack.”
Sombra could feel his crystal growing hard as he removed his armor. “I saw and I conquered. The only thing that’s missing is for me to come. I hope that you can arrange that.”
Applejack jumped onto Sombra. “I’ve had plenty of experience with stallions of all types. You’ll be easy to please.”
The two began making love at the end of this little world. Funny enough, Shining Armor had the same idea to make the last of his time. I won’t tell with which mare.
“And there’s a nice little setup for you to work with. I claim no copyrights on anything I come up with, so feel free to write a whole story based on that.” He paused the scene, keeping Sombra and Applejack in very compromising positions. Pinkie pulled out her camera to take a picture for future use.
“But the problem of suggesting ideas like this is that writers will keep thinking outside the box. Soon enough, there will be no combinations left. Well, I’ve prepared for this. Who says that one of your characters has to be character at all? Let’s bring Rainbow back in, shall we? She has no idea what we have planned.”
Rainbow Dash was back, still mad at her loss of Applejack. “You took Applejack away, please give me something to work with here.”
“Don’t worry, Dashie! I’ve got a plan for you. I guarantee that you’re going to enjoy it.” Pinkie whispered her plan into Discord’s ear, who was fully on board with her idea. He got his next scene ready, a hallway of Canterlot Castle.
Rainbow began to pray. “Please be Spitfire, please be Spitfire, please be Spitfire…”
This wasn’t the first time Rainbow had been in this particular hallway. Seeing as how the door at the end was where the Elements of Harmony were usually kept, she had been here before. The walls were adorned with stained glass windows depicting various important scenes in Equestrian history. Nightmare Moon’s defeat, Discord’s defeat, the Changeling attack, and Discord’s second defeat at the hooves of a blue stallion.
“Someday, I’m going to have one of these windows made for me. I’m so awesome that anything I do belongs in the history books. I’m thinking that window.” She pointed at a blank window, also present to be converted at some point in the future. She admired the window, its glass perfectly clear, and steel bars perfectly shaped. Only a window so perfect would be right for her. That was it, right? So why was she feeling other emotions towards this window?
She got close to the window as she contemplated her sexual frustration. Applejack still hadn’t noticed her secret lust, Pinkie was always busy with some boyfriend she wouldn’t reveal, and she still wasn’t a Wonderbolt for easy access to Spitfire. She stroked the glass, admiring how smooth it was. All of the pent up emotions of love she had were bubbling to the surface, and she couldn’t resist the window’s temptation.
She pressed her body against the cold glass, which could do nothing against the heat her body was giving off. She rubbed her candy vag against the window as she moaned in pleasure. Never in her wildest dreams had she imagined anything close to this happening, but here she was, losing her virginity to a sheet of glass. And she was enjoying it immensely.
“I think something like that covers the weirdest of what we’re going to experience today. But, since I’m counting that window as a man, we still haven’t gotten to the best part. As we all know, regular sex is great, but it’s better when both parties are the same gender. Unless they’re both men. Why would you even suggest something like that? So, for this demonstration, I’m going to need two mares.” He brought in the two beautiful pegasi, Flitter and Cloud Chaser.
“Discord, they’re sisters. That sounds like it would be really creepy.”
“For once, I’m not forcing them into this scenario. I’ve been watching them, they do this on their own. So, you two!” Flitter and Cloud Chaser looked up at Discord. “Go do what you usually do. We’ll be coming back to you later. Just be at the fun part when we get there.” The two of them nodded and ran off.
“Trust me, incest can make for a very entertaining story. The feeling of doing something wrong heightens the experience, and makes it all the better. Plus, they’re sisters. Not only does it also cover my previous point, it’s really hot. So, we can’t lose. But maybe some of you don’t want that. Yes, you do, but you won’t admit it. You love the characters, but you can’t accept them having sex unless one of them has a penis. So, we’re going to need Twilight.”
He brought Twilight back in, who was still on the offensive. “Discord, I don’t know what you’re doing, but we’re going to stop you! Wait until we get the Elements of Harmony, and you’ll pay!”
“Come on, Twilight, everypony’s having fun! You should join in!”
“Yes, Twilight, loosen up a little. Here, I’ll bring a little friend for you to play with.” Suddenly, the Great and Powerful Trixie.
Twilight was shocked. “Trixie? What are you doing here?”
“The last time you met Trixie, you mentioned a spell that could change a pony’s gender. Let’s do that, shall we?”
“You can’t do a spell like that, it’s impossible!”
Discord pulled out a journal and a pencil, and began to write. Twilight noticed that it was the same journal where she had read about Mirror Pond, distinguished by the cover of a horseshoe with the number 3 inside. “There, not anymore. Have fun!”
“No, Discord! You can’t just rewrite physics like that! I’m not going to be doing anything!”
Trixie got down on her knees. “Please, Twilight, give Trixie this. She’s had to do things other than rock farming to make ends meet, things she would rather not say. But the whole experience left me with a yearning for a pony that I wanted to spend my life with, I needed somepony to love. When I came back to Ponyville, I realized that it was you.”
Twilight blushed heavily. “T-Trixie? Do you really feel that way about me? I mean, I’ll admit, I’ve spent a few lonely nights thinking of you, but this is a shock.”
“Please, Twilight Sparkle! Take Trixie! Bring her into your warm hooves and your soft bed! Let’s have some fun, shall we?”
“You know what, Trixie? Let’s. Come on back to the library, and let’s experiment. As long as I can be doing this gender-switching spell, we should make the most of it.” The two of them left as quickly as they could, eager to begin the night’s activities.
“I think you just started a beautiful relationship. I’ll have to throw a party to celebrate!”
“It’s just too bad that to all of them, this is nothing more than a dream. They’ll still remember it, but it didn’t happen. Maybe it’ll give Twilight the courage to chase after Trixie now. But, moving on! Since you’re filthy enough to write something like this, I can assume that you’ve imagined what it would be like to have sex with a pony. Well, I can tell you from experience, it’s great. But, since it’ll never happen, you just have to accept writing about it. I’ve got a good man to demonstrate.”
An orange pegasus stallion with a gorgeous brown mane was standing outside of Fluttershy’s cottage. “Hello, readers, I’m Flame Bristle. I’m the author of this story, and I’ve decided to write myself in. Ever since I first discovered her, I’ve been pining for both Fluttershy and the fjords. Don’t ask about the second one. The point is, I’ve got a chance here, and it’s time to have sex with the woman of my dreams. And it’s going to be awesome.” Bristle walked to the front door and knocked. Fluttershy answered, and that was all it took.
“That just leaves poor Rarity without a special somepony to spend her time with.”
“And I plan to fix that as well. The final lesson for selecting your character is to feel free to select characters from other universes. Doesn’t matter which one. I’ve got a particular character in mind.” Standing in front of him was now a blue unicorn stallion with a matching blue helmet.
He instantly recognized Discord. “What are you doing? How are you still alive? I left you trapped in the Chaos Realm!”
“Really, Mega Stallion? Two stories ago, and that’s how you decide to say hello? You didn’t think I made a reference to our fight earlier for nothing? I’ve brought you here as a form of payback for what you did to me. Do you remember your deal with Rarity? The one you’ve been working to avoid? Well, it’s caught up with you, and she wants compensation for having to wait so long. And don’t try to resist, I’ve disabled your magic.”
Rarity grabbed Mega Stallion and pulled him away to have her way with him. All he could do was scream for help.
“And that concludes step one. We’ll be going to a commercial break, and when we come back, we’ll help you with fleshing out your story.”
“I’m back! I came out from under the couch, you didn’t see me!”
“Pinkie, we do not have a couch. These are chairs we are sitting on. There is indeed a difference.”
“Whatever, the point is, the break ended, the show’s back, let’s get back to writing something sexy!”
“Quite right, my dear Pie. So, for those who just came in, I’m Discord, and my underlined assistant is Pinkie Pie. We’re in the middle of describing how to write a perfect clopfic, and we had finished outlining how to pick your characters. The bottom line was: Be original, and don’t be afraid to think differently. But now that you’ve got your characters and a scenario, you’re going to need to write the actual naughtiness. So, with that in mind, let’s go back to Applejack and Sombra once again.”
Step 2: The Actual Naughtiness
Applejack was lying on top of the Crystal King of Shadows, Sombra. Her beautifully sculpted crystal body was prepared to give Sombra a perfect affirmation of his return and victory.
“Now, you can just describe the basic action of what the two of them are doing, but that’s not entertaining enough. In case you forgot, the purpose of a clopfic is to clop. To make that easier for everyone involved, describe everything in incredible detail. And use euphemisms. Observe.”
Applejack gently stroked her hard crystal hoof against the soft chest of her King. “Now, ya’ll ready to get a second conquering done?” She gestured towards her haunches, spreading them apart to reveal her nether regions, dripping wet with excitement.
Sombra licked his lips at the opportunity arising. His rock-hard crystal member was also arising, growing long enough to meet his mare’s chest. Applejack lowered her head to the level of it’s head, giving it a soft, but firm lick. Her hooves and tongue continued to stroke and massage the Lord’s cock, and his face indicated his approval.
Not one to just give out oral to a stallion, the orange mare did what she did best: Riding. She placed herself in a sitting position on top of him, slowly sliding herself downwards on his dick as it penetrated her crystal barrier. Both thrusted and met each other’s bodies in their act of pure love.
But Sombra was not satisfied, not yet. He began increasing his speed, his crystal pickaxe continuously hammering away at the rock and stone that obstructed his path to the goal. Applejack, though she did not give permission for the increase, did not object. She moaned loudly in ecstasy, her body beginning to shake from the pleasure.
Both of them knew that the finishing act was coming, as both were. Both kept the pace going, wanting to prolong the moment before climax without sacrificing the moment. Sombra would not give up when he was so close, his body swelling with cum to be released into the mare, Applejack about to release herself onto his penis and surrounding areas.
When the time hit, it hit hard. Both yelled as they finished and Sombra blew his explosive to clear the rubble and reveal the diamond underneath. Exhausted from the act, Applejack was unable to remove herself from her position atop him, and he couldn’t use his magic to remove her. She collapsed, laying fully down on his black chest as she looked up into his eyes, hers half-closed, and she whispered.
“Ready for round two?”
“Now, since we don’t have the time for a full story, this is obviously far shorter than your story should be, but it should provide a pretty good base for all of you.”
“I liked how all the euphemisms you made were about mining. Kept everything connected.”
“Be thankful that I didn’t add crafting to that. It would not have ended well. Though I could have used a crafting table pretty easily. Using the materials mined, they crafted a beautiful experience and a good time. Oh, I can use that. I should use that. Let me write that one down.” Discord pulled out his reality-altering journal and wrote his idea down. “I’ll write a story about that at some point. Anyways, I think that we should move on to our next topic, probably my favorite part. One of the glorious things about sex is how different it can be for such a simple act. It can be done with lead-ups and foreplay, but can also bleed into the best part. Fetishes are to thank. Pinkie, would you care to explain?”
“Fetishes are sexual interests that people have. They vary in both content and obscurity, and everyone’s different. Nearly any of them would sound weird to an outsider, but when it’s the one you have, there is absolutely nothing sexier.”
“And thank you for that definition. So, it’s important to write it into our story.”
Step 3: Fetishes
“Trust me, a story is easily distinguishable from the piles of crap you people make when you add a fetish, preferably a unique one. And the best way to do that is to write for your fetish, because you’re doing this for yourself. Also, no one else shares your fetish, further cutting down your chances of attracting a mate. As if you needed the help.”
Discord had to stop talking for a moment to allow a scream from the distance to be heard loud and clear, a scream of terror bellowing “DOCTOR LIGHT DID NOT DESIGN ME WITH THIS IN MIND!”
“Sounds like Rarity’s having fun over there.”
“Yes, but it raises the question of how they’re doing anything over there. I guess Rarity has to experiment a little to get anything accomplish. Good thing I got rid of his magic, or that buster would go off at the wrong time. So, we were talking about fetish writing. I’ll get back on that.”
“You’re going to need to write descriptively, as I described in the last section. It’s fair to assume that not many readers are going to have or understand the fetish you’re writing about, so be sure to write every angle and action. As a bonus, for the people who do have it, it’s so much easier to clop to when it’s described and drawn out. Try to make readers come before the scene is over. Make them feel inadequate. So, we need a fetish to write an example story. Pinkie, what would you like to pick?”
“That’s going to be a problem, because between the two of us, we have pretty much every fetish. I particularly like food porn, but I think we should be fairer to the readers.”
“That sounds like a good idea, Pinkie. So it’s time to bring out the Wheel of Fetishes!” Discord pulled out a giant game show style wheel, each piece having a different fetish listed, with such listings as ‘Nurse’ and ‘Fire’. “Pinkie, would you like to spin the wheel?”
Pinkie Pie grabbed the side of the wheel, and spun it with all her strength. The clicks of the notches filled the non-existent room until it stopped on one of the slices. “And the winner is: Pee!”
“That sounds good, I can work with that pretty well. So we’re going to need some lovely mares to demonstrate. Flitter! Cloud Chaser! Get back in here!” The two mares walked back into view, their manes messed up. Or at least, Discord assumed Cloud Chaser’s mane was messy, it was hard to tell with her standard style. “From what I see, you two already finished? I hope you can handle a little more.” The sisters nodded. “Good, so I’ll handle the scene. Reader discretion, this is going to get messy, and some of you are not going to like it. I don’t care what you think, but it’s fair to let you know.”
“There. That one took long enough.”
Cloud Chaser was pleased that she had finally managed to dissolve one particularly large and annoying cloud. She sighed. Rainbow Dash had been particularly fierce recently about making sure the skies were clear where she specified exactly, and she could get mad at the tiniest little wisps that remained. Cloud Chaser and her sister had theorized that it was all due to some pent-up sexual frustration, but they couldn’t confirm it.
Cloud Chaser looked over at her sister, Flitter, who was just about done with the clouds she was working on. She took a minute to admire her sister, particularly her mane. Flitter’s was always so neat and organized, due to her actually caring about how she looked. In contrast, Cloud Chaser was content to just wake up and walk out the door. She had always been told that she was never going to get a stallion if she didn’t care about her appearances, but she didn’t care. She already got everything she wanted out of a relationship with her sister.
Both of them knew what they did was wrong. Society frowned upon incest for a number of reasons, mostly just pre-established notions of moral value that had no base. But they found it hard to care when they were lying together, rhythm going, thrusting, hoofing, and licking each other. Both would never give those experiences up.
Cloud Chaser noticed that Flitter was acting a little antsy and shaky, and went over to talk. “Hey, you almost done there? I’d like to go home soon. And why are you shaking like that?”
Flitter stopped her work. “I’m just about finished, and thank Celestia I am. I’ve really gotta pee,” she said, crossing her hind legs.
Cloud Chaser could feel herself growing a little warm at her sister’s predicament, and a simple solution for Flitter popped into her head, with the added benefit of immense enjoyment for her. “Well, if it’s really that bad, clouds are pretty absorbent. Just take your leak on the cloud.”
Flitter could tell why Cloud Chaser was suggesting it, and the thought of the relief it would bring became prevalent. However, unlike her sister, she did at least have a few standards. “I’m not peeing right out in the open like that! What if somepony flew by and saw? I’m just going to have to wait until we get home.”
Cloud Chaser shook her head. “Alright, if you insist. You’re probably going to want to finish up soon, then. Judging by the looks of it, you don’t have much time left.”
Flitter nodded and got back to work, though slowly, to be sure she didn’t have an accident. The two of them worked together to cut down on time. As much as Cloud Chaser would have liked to see her sister not make it, she didn’t want to embarrass her. Before long, their job for the day was finished, but Flitter’s predicament was becoming more urgent. She kept her hind legs tightly crossed and kept shaking.
The two sisters began flying back towards their cloud home, hovering fairly low above Ponyville. Flitter was none too happy about this, as the energy required to constantly flap her wings to stay airborne was taking its toll on her bladder. Before long, she had to fly in an upright position with her front hooves jammed in her privates.
Cloud Chaser could see that things were only getting worse for Flitter, and once again wanted to “help”, still determined to watch her sister perform such a private act out in the open. “I seriously don’t think that you’re going to make it back home. There’s some bushes down on the ground, just go in those. It sounds more appealing than getting it all over your legs because you’re too stubborn to accept a loss.”
Flitter, still remarkably tempted by the offer, refused. “N-no, I-I can hold it. I have to!” She doubted her abilities, but would test them to the end.
Cloud Chaser couldn’t believe her sister. Here she was, dying of desperation, and she still took the far more risky option. She knew that if she were the one in that scenario, she would just instantly get rid of the discomfort, not caring about who would see. She had nothing to hide from anypony, being far more open about what most would consider private matters.
The two of them arrived at their doorstep, and Flitter was sweating hard. She was in a constant struggle with herself, her body practically begging her to take care of her bodily functions.
After Cloud Chaser had taken what had seemed like an eternity opening the front door, Flitter went as fast as her pained body would let her towards the bathroom. She could feel herself beginning to cry as she also felt her hind legs and front hooves growing warm and wet. “No, please! Not now!” She pressed down harder to last just a little longer.
As she rushed into the bathroom, she didn’t have the time to be bothered to shut the door. Cloud Chaser took note of this, and walked in after about a minute. There were two things in the room of note. The first was the large yellow puddle right inside the room.
The second was her sister, eyes closed in relief, hind leg raised in the air, standing over the toilet, taking the longest and strongest pee she could remember. Cloud Chaser easily spotted the shiny streaks running down her sister’s legs, showing where she had wet herself. And despite how much she had lost before making it to the toilet, she was still standing there, doing her business for over a minute.
Due to the loud hissing of her pee and her mind lost in the pleasure, Flitter had not noticed her sister standing in the doorway, watching intently. When she had opened her eyes, she immediately attempted to hide her act, though she knew she would never be able to halt her stream. Though she had never understood why, against all the sex the two had, she never wanted Cloud Chaser to watch her do something like this. But it seemed she didn’t have a choice now.
Once she had finally finished, Cloud Chaser was quick to take up the opportunity to walk over, grab a square of toilet paper, and wipe her sister’s moist genitals. Flitter, though taken aback, did not object. “I can assume you’re going to want some fun tonight?” Cloud Chaser nodded. “Alright then. Can I just shower first? I’d like to get this smell off of me.”
“I’ve got an even better idea. How about I join you? After a long day of work, I could probably use a shower as well. Might as well save water and do it together.” Flitter turned the shower head on, warm water cascading down. Once she had fully entered the tub, Cloud Chaser joined her.
The night commenced, and concluded with Cloud Chaser’s four legs tied together as she tried to escape her binds. As much as she struggled, it was no use. She turned her head towards Flitter, standing above her. “Hey Flitter, could you please untie me?”
“Now why would I do that?”
Cloud Chaser sighed, closed her eyes, and said with a tone of irritation, “Because I really have to pee.”
“I think that’s the longest example we’ve done. Ever.”
“Yes it is. And I must say, not a single word was wasted. Now, we’ve run out of time for now, so we’ll go to commercial break, and come back to fix a common complaint.”
“And what would that be?”
“Well, we’ve gotten complaints that our show isn’t child-friendly enough. So, our next segment is one targeted exactly towards all the colts and fillies.”
“Honestly, with topics like that, it’s a wonder we can get sponsors at all.”
“Welcome back to WHOOOO FARTED! Starring your host, me! And also, the answer.”
“Must we start every return from break with a reference? And to the same people, no less. Can’t you do something more original?”
“Hey, you started it with your reference when this episode began! I was just playing along. I’ll stop now, since it bothers you so much.”
“That’s good, but can you do the introduction? Let the people know what’s happening here if they missed what happened earlier.”
“Give me a break. There are some people starting from this chapter who don’t care about continuity! It would take forever to recap…”
“If you finish that reference, I swear to the writer…”
“...who is very busy right now…”
“…that we seriously do not have time to argue anymore, there are people that need our help! So, welcome back to Hey You, Down There, the show where we make everything up and our points don’t matter!”
“I’m Pinkie Pie, and Mr. Tilty Text here is the actual host, Discord! When we left, we were discussing writing clopfics, and as fate would have it, that’s what we’re still doing!”
“Now, it’s time to describe how to write clop when the subjects are fillies and colts! I would give a disclaimer like I did before, but my time on the internet shows that you care more about fetishes you don’t have over things that are actually illegal. And since when do I care about laws?”
Step 4: Kiddie Clop
“As always, we’re going to need some volunteers. Or at least, that’s what I call them.” Discord snapped his fingers, and his new subjects appeared: the three fillies known as the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
“Discord, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but wouldn’t things be better if you had at least one colt?”
Discord did a double take. “Wait, what? I thought that orange one was a colt.” For a creature created for chaos, being confused was new.
“That’s Scootaloo. She’s one of the fillies that freed you. The first time, that is. Most definitely female.”
“Well, she’ll do. There aren’t enough colts around anyways, and those fat and Trottingham ones insulted me. Besides, she doesn’t look like she’ll do bad.”
Scootaloo piped up. “I got my sexual interests from Rainbow Dash!”
“Ignoring the disturbing implications of that, will you three be willing to engage in some sexual activities for the amusement of many, despite your ages?”
Scootaloo hopped with her hoof in the air, like she knew the answer in class, though that never happened in class. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle looked around nervously. Apple Bloom confronted her friend. “Scootaloo, should we be worried that you’re so eager to do this? And with us, no less?”
Scootaloo’s eagerness faded, and she shuffled her front hooves. “Well…do I really have to explain it? It’s kind of awkward, but…you’re my friends, and you’re hot.” She covered her mouth with her hooves, mentally cursing herself for blurting that out.”
Sweetie Belle, though still completely overcome with awkwardness, managed to find some words. “Well Scootaloo, that’s something you should have told us, we could have figured something out. No wait, scratch that, I never needed to hear that you think of me like that.”
“Ugh, I hate Sweetie Belle. I think I need to make an improvement.”
Sweetie Belle’s eyes went crazy and her head shook a little before she temporarily shut down and started up. “My sensors indicate that you would like to tap that.” Her voice was now completely robotic.
“Much better, don’t you think? And for reference, neither of the other Crusaders notice the difference.”
Apple Bloom hugged Scootaloo. “Well, ah think ah can experiment a little, for your sake. What do you think, Sweetie Belle?”
“Engaging in sexual activities will produce a 74% chance of increased arousal, and a friendship level increase of 13%.”
“Yes yes, that’s all well and good, but three just seems like too small a number right now. They’re physically smaller, so we need more ponies to make up the difference.” Through Discord’s will, in came Apple Bloom’s favorite cousin and Manehattan resident, Babs Seed.
Babs Seed looked at her fellow Crusaders, confused at what exactly was happening, especially when she had no real knowledge about Discord. “What are you chuckleheads doing?”
Scootaloo decided to fill her in. “We’re going to have sex with each other to experiment and make me happy. You can join in if you want. You know what they say, the more the merrier!”
Babs, also going through a little clop phase, ignored all inhibitions and dove right in. “Aw yeah, I’m gonna bonk you all so hard!”
“Wonderful. Now, while you get all heated up, I’ll explain a few key points here. Now, since we’re dealing with young fillies here, they haven’t learned about what sex is, or at least not in detail. Because of this, you cannot write them as having any sort of experience when they haven’t even been able to work out how to clop properly. So, they will make mistakes. But conversely, around their age, ponies are constantly craving sex, so it isn’t hard to get them into the proper situation.”
“Unfortunately, just due to biology, there’s really only one explanation as to why this would be happening: Heat. At their ages, heat makes them try to fuck everything that breathes, and quite a few things that don’t. It means you can pair them with anyone, but that can become even more illegal.”
“I know that you don’t seem to care about incest, seeing as I think you enjoyed Flitter and Cloud Chaser’s exploits best, but you’re combining it with underage. This is getting more than a little creepy.”
“What’s this? Are you doubting my absolute brilliance? Truth be told, I’m not the biggest fan of pairings like this, but I know some writers are, so I just need to provide an example for them. Speaking of example, I think it’s high time we get to that.”
“Might as well. Maybe you’ll prove me wrong on the creep factor involved.”
“No, no I won’t. It’s going to be just as bad as you imagine.”
“Scootaloo, what were you thinking? That was stupid, dangerous, and crazy!”
The Cutie Mark Crusaders were sitting in their clubhouse after yet another failure to get their Cutie Marks. After voting for it from nearly the beginning, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle finally agreed to Scootaloo’s cannon plan, whatever it was. Things didn’t go as anticipated.
“Well, how was I supposed to know that the Party Cannon wouldn’t be suited for my cannon needs? And I don’t know where we could have gotten a different one. You should be thankful that we didn’t get blown apart!”
“As I reminded you, our chances of success were less than 25%.”
Scootaloo glared at Sweetie Belle. “And as I told you, never tell me the odds! Where would my life be if I let math dictate it? Rainbow Dash pushes herself all the time, she never lets anypony tell her she can’t do it! She does the impossible on a daily basis!”
Apple Bloom slapped Scootaloo. “Scootaloo, you’re not Rainbow Dash! You’re suggesting ideas that could get us all killed, just trying to be extreme!” She grabbed Scootaloo, shaking her lightly. “Do ya understand what could happen if things went wrong?”
Scootaloo was shocked. Apple Bloom wasn’t one to get really mad, much less yell at her friends. Deep down, she knew that Apple Bloom was right, and the thoughts of the possible repercussions of her plans came forth. She had to fight to hold back tears.
Apple Bloom noticed what she had done, and immediately felt sorry. She hugged Scootaloo tightly, patting her on the back. “Ah’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell, I just needed you to understand what you’re doing wrong. The important thing is that we’re all okay now, and we need to avoid this sort of thing in the future.”
Scootaloo felt Apple Bloom’s coat against hers, holding her close. The heat coming off of her friend’s body was making her heart race, and she felt her wings extending. Thankfully, neither Apple Bloom nor Sweetie Belle understood that it was due to arousal.
Recently, Scootaloo had been feeling distracted. She had been told that at her age, it was normal for her to start really noticing colts. She had been having changes like that, but with one small difference. It was the fillies that were grabbing her attention.
After a little bit of research, she found that this sort of thing did happen, and there was nothing wrong with her. In fact, due to some clever eavesdropping, she found that Rainbow Dash felt the same way. The real problem was exactly which fillies she found herself attracted to. It wasn’t Dinky, it wasn’t Ruby Pinch, and it thankfully wasn’t Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, or Twist. It was her friends, the ones she was such close friends with that any sort of sexual interest seemed wrong.
Nevertheless, here was Apple Bloom, moved back a little from her hug, her face now directly in front of Scootaloo’s. She couldn’t help herself. She pushed herself into Apple Bloom, giving her a long kiss. Though Scootaloo couldn’t see, Apple Bloom’s eyes were wide in panic.
Once the kiss ended and Scootaloo pulled away, Apple Bloom could only sit there, speechless. Scootaloo was also silent, just hitting her head with her hoof for doing something so stupid. Sweetie Belle broke the silence, “I detect an increase of hormones by 67%, from both subjects”.
Scootaloo stopped hitting herself, and looked at Apple Bloom. “You…you enjoyed it? Didn’t you just finish yelling at me for doing stupid things?”
Apple Bloom attempted to avoid eye contact, but still answered the question. “Y-yeah. It just came out of nowhere, no reason, and it was not what I was expecting my first kiss to be like. But I can’t really say that it wasn’t good. And it certainly wasn’t dangerous.”
“That’s the thing, it wasn’t without a reason. I’ve started realizing that I’m attracted to fillies, not colts. And it just so happens that you two are at the top of the list. I think you’re both hot. But, something about this still doesn’t seem right. I thought that if I showed you my feelings, this hot feeling would go away. It’s still there, and it’s really uncomfortable.”
Sweetie Belle’s eyes lit up, almost literally, as she knew the answer. “Rarity talks about doing it with stallions at least 74% of the time! And when she has a stallion in her room, activity and movement increases twofold! As does noise! I’ve internally documented the proper procedures and motions. It just requires editing for lack of colt and/or stallion.”
Apple Bloom looked at Scootaloo and shrugged. “Well, ya can’t argue with Sweetie Belle. How do we start?”
“Place Pony #1 lying face up on surface of choice, hind legs spread apart. Insert Pony #2 over Pony #1, standing over Pony #1.”
Scootaloo held her hoof in the air. “Which one of us is supposed to be 1 or 2?”
Sweetie Belle clarified. “Pony #2 is the dominative one, usually the male. It is the one doing most of the work.”
Scootaloo and Apple Bloom looked at each other, each knowing that the other was thinking the exact same question. Scootaloo was the first to ask it out loud. “Do you want to be #2? You always seem like the kind to take charge, like your sister does.”
Apple Bloom was a little nervous, but eventually agreed. Scootaloo got started by lying on the clubhouse’s wooden floor, hind legs apart as per Sweetie Belle’s instructions. Apple Bloom stood over Scootaloo, though with hesitation. Once both were in position, they just stayed there, unsure of what to do next. “Sweetie Belle? What’s next,” Apple Bloom asked.
“Pony #2 slowly moves towards Pony #1, inserting his connector into her connection port. Fun commences with motion!”
Apple Bloom and Scootaloo once again looked at each other again, just as confused as before. Neither of them had a “connector”, which was going to make things difficult. As both were about to bring up this point, the door to the clubhouse swung open, revealing Babs Seed in her Crusaders Cape. She was excited to see her favorite cousin and friends again, until she got a look at what was happening.
Apple Bloom facehoofed. “Ah forgot to mention, but Babs Seed was supposed to come today. Sorry.”
Babs was partially very confused. On the one hoof, she did actually understand what was happening between Apple Bloom and Scootaloo. On the other, she didn’t know why. “Erm…what’s goin’ on here?”
Sweetie Belle, always the wealth of information, provided the exposition. “Scootaloo and Apple Bloom are attempting to consummate their relationship under my instruction. Now that our numbers have increased, Ponies #3 and above provide additional pleasure to all ponies engaged in the activity. The two of us shall fill that role, if Babs Seed consents.”
Babs smiled and walked to the rest of the group, removing her cape. “Say goodbye to your kneecaps, chuckleheads. BONK!”
“And my watch is telling me that we have run out of time.”
“What? Since when do you wear a watch?” Pinkie looked over at Discord’s wrist. “That’s just a drawing. Something seems to be wrong. You forgot to draw the battery!”
“The previous scene does not have a need to continue, as you can apply the previous concepts learned to this scenario. And that concludes another episode of Hey You, Down There. I hope that this has been informative for all you watching, and good day!” Discord waited a few seconds before turning to Pinkie Pie. “So, now that that’s over, how about we take the concepts and apply them in the bedroom?”
Pinkie gave her best bedroom eyes as she stood up, waving for Discord to follow. “Don’t keep me waiting, then! And make sure to bring the wheel.”
Discord stood up and grabbed their Wheel of Fetishes, ready to use it to determine their next course of actions.
Flame Bristle stepped through the door of Fluttershy’s cottage, walking out into the open air. The sun was still high in the sky, and everything was serene. He looked back inside, knowing that his very satisfied mare was laying in bed upstairs, resting off the exhausting morning. Bristle walked out a few more steps, stood up on his hind legs, held his forehooves in the air, and screamed for the world to hear.
"Welcome back to Hey You, Down There! And may I say, it's damn good to be back."
"We've been off the air for the past few months due to 'legal investigations' about our supposed 'foal pornography'. I told you it was a bad idea, but you just had to make a point!"
"It was effective, wasn't it? I'm sure our broadcast is being shown in schools across Equestria right now as a sex-ed PSA. It also rocketed this story to stardom. Or at least, as close to stardom as we can ever expect this author to get. Still pretty pathetic. But we're not here to discuss the supposed virginity of our writer (not yet at least), we've got a show to run! Italics are Discord..."
"...and underlines are Pinkie Pie! Hey You, Down There is a show about answering the questions of life, and offering our advice to the masses. As our wonderful host was getting into, we recently hit it big with an episode about clopfics. It was probably a topic we shouldn't have touched, it led to a few inappropriate scenarios being played for all to see."
"I wouldn't let my kid watch it."
Pinkie leaned away from Discord, still sitting in her chair. "You have a kid?!"
Discord didn't notice Pinkie's shock at the revelation he casually released, he was instead admiring his claws. "That's what the courts tell me. Anyway, I thought it'd be so much fun if we revisited the topic for our return episode."
"For the record, I was against the idea. But I agreed on the single term that we don't do anything illegal this time."
"Don't worry, my dear Pie. It's not like I enjoyed being questioned and detained. Do you know what they do to creatures like me in prison? The subject today is pretty much just covering my ass, something I got good at in the prison showers. I was looking over our earlier sexcapades, and when we were first starting, it sounded like I was implying I was against male/male gay sex. That's simply not true. The penis is a wonderful thing."
"I can attest to this. It's interesting to see you backpedal on your previous stance. It's a whole new side of you."
"Don't get used to it, I have a reason for this. As a part of my community service, I took a visit to a small desert town called Appleloosa to help with making pies. And while I was there, I met the most amazing stallion. He was a master of speaking, working, and passion. I could swear the entire town was gay for him. He was...Braeburn."
"Ah yes, Braeburn. I got a good chance to get to know him when we visited Appleloosa to deliver Bloomberg. I fucked him hard."
"So did I. He was so incredible that we had to dedicate a segment to his glory. So, here's the next episode of Hey You, Down There..."
Step 5: Everypony's Brae for Gayburn
"No, this segment isn't going to be writing general gay sex. It's going to just be about Braeburn. Let's face it, you're all going to write something about Braeburn at some point. I've seen what crap you guys write, Braeburn is practically guaranteed to be the subject of one of your stories. We're not judging you, the stallion is a sex god, and he deserves whatever you write about him."
"I'll give you a short bio of Braeburn so you can write him effectively. He's a member of the Apple family, and one of the few that built and founded Appleloosa. His voice is higher on the standard male pitch, he loves his town, and he's sexy incarnate. Stallions regularly turn gay for him, members of the family start condoning incest for him, and mares become bi. Just because. Every strand of fur in his luscious coat is made of pure arousal."
"I don't like to be bound to this mortal world, but I couldn't agree more. There's just something about him that's completely irresistible. You put your eyes on him, and any assumptions that you were straight melt away. There will be no thought on your mind beyond sucking his beautiful cock."
"This is literally nothing more than fan wank. Just a fair warning."
"No, it's because Braeburn transcends our plane of screwing, and he must be represented as such in any clopfic starring him. But...I'm not sure if even I could come up with anything worthy of his name. I think the only thing I could possibly do is retell my experience. But for those who've never experienced it and still want to write it, I can only give one rule: hyperbole is your friend. Embellish like there's no tomorrow. There's no such thing as going too far in this situation. Anything you can imagine, he can do."
"Discord, do you understand your charges?"
Discord was standing in front of a court, answering for his crimes. There was no jury for his trial, and the audience was nothing but government officials. The judge was Princess Celestia, and she was not happy.
"Remind me."
She pulled a large stack of papers and straightened them on the desk. "Have you any idea how many sexual assault charges you've accumulated? Not only has your show pulled many unwilling ponies into inappropriate situations against their will..."
"Hey, they enjoyed it once it started!"
"...but you pulled minors into it! You can't get away with something like that! It's incredibly wrong and illegal! That's the sort of crime that could have you put into prison for the rest of your life! Do you want to be put back into stone? And let's not even get into your inanimate interests..."
Discord pointed an accusing finger. "Do you have any proof on that?"
Celestia, not amused, looked back down at her papers. "You have previously, on record might I add, said that you 'put your package in my mailbox, made love to all my chairs, dropped a load inside my washer, and went down on all my stairs.' All while pelvic thrusting, I might add. You also provided pictures." She held up an envelope.
He crossed his arms defiantly. "Didn't even mention the vacuum. But in response to your earlier point, if you look at the recordings again, you will see that the Cutie Mark Crusaders never engaged in intercourse on my show. If they later did, you can hardly blame it on me."
Celestia's eyes nervously darted between Discord and her files. "O-oh. I m-must have misread that." She regained her composure. "But that's hardly enough to clear you of all charges."
"Admit it, you're just looking for excuses to convict me of something. You just want to make sure I suffer for...something."
"Because being a god of chaos who wants to do nothing but cause havoc and bother me isn't enough. My decision is final. Your punishment for your crimes against nature and decency is...community service. And don't attempt to use your powers, any attempts to do so will result in immediate stoning."
Discord pumped his fist. "NOT THAT KIND OF STONING! I swear, you're absolutely unmanageable. You will be relocated to Appleoosa to help with their annual pie making. While there, you are under their jurisdiction. And they haven't seen a reason to outlaw public hangings yet."
He pulled out a floral patterned shirt and sunglasses. "So when do I start my vacation?"
Celestia, pretty suitably pissed now, ripped the sunglasses off and smashed them under her hoof. "If you look around, you'll see you're already there." And sure enough, the two of them were standing in the sand of a desert town. "NOW GET OUTTA HERE!" With that, Celestia blinked out, leaving behind an envelope with the Royal Seal on it.
In response to the sounds outside, one of the few doors in town opened, and a stallion with a hat, vest, and mustache walked out. "What was that?" When he saw Discord, he would have just walked inside, had Discord not been holding the very recognizable envelope. "Let me see that." He trotted over and pulled the envelope from him, and opened it.
Discord rolled his eyes. "I never said it was for you."
The stallion read the letter. "Well, it found its way to the right pony. I'm Sheriff Silverstar, and I'm in charge of little Appleoosa, and we could always use the help. Even if your circumstances for being here are less than optimal, it doesn't list the specific details. And frankly, I don't care. Come on, I'll explain everything you need to know on the way."
Silverstar and Discord walked through the barren town as the sheriff explained their current situation. "For two years now, we've been living in peace with the native buffalo of these lands. Our tribes have entered a mutual agreement, where they let us keep our town where we built it, in exchange for a migrating route where they receive pies made from the apples we grow. We've started making the pies for the season, and it's a hectic time for all of us. Any help is appreciated. So, you'll be working with Braeburn, he can teach you the ropes. Good luck!" Silverstar disappeared, and Discord noticed that their walk had ended in a kitchen. Currently manning the station was a tan-coated stallion with a blonde mane, brown vest, and matching hat.
The stallion noticed Discord. "Well, howdy there! My name is Braeburn, and welcome to..." He reared up and continued, "AAAAPPLEOOSA!"
Discord stood still and blinked multiple times in confusion. "Please stop. In fact, never do that again." He looked closer at Braeburn. "Are you, by chance, related to Applejack from Ponyville?"
"Cousin Applejack! How do you know her?"
Discord rubbed his chest, proud of his accomplishment. "Well, I don't like to brag, but I did mindfuck her the last time I tried to take over Equestria. I did a pretty good job, too."
Braeburn slowly nodded and turned away. "Oh...okay. Well, that's all in the past now, right?"
"I'm only here because I'm doing community service. I normally laugh at the misfortune of lesser beings such as yourself. But to end this dreadful conversation, I'll just pretend that I've since reformed." Discord scoffed under his breath. "Worthless creature."
Braeburn pretended not to hear it. "So, do ya still want me to teach ya how to make pies?"
Discord rolled his eyes. "It's not like I can get out of it."
Discord was tired. It's not that making piles of apple pies was especially challenging work, especially for a God of Chaos, but it was boring. He felt like he could die of boredom. He probably did, multiple times. He was hoping to fall asleep and torment Luna in the dream world. But it would be made noticeably more difficult and annoying, because he was sharing a room with Braeburn.
Discord couldn't stand Braeburn. He didn't stop talking. He was loud. He tried too hard to be "helpful". And he was too nice. "No one should ever be that nice, unless they have some sort of ulterior motive. So what kind of evil scheme is he planning?" He walked into the bedroom, and sure enough, Braeburn was already on his bed. Waiting...beckoning...
"You haven't gotten your proper initiation yet. All ponies who venture into..." He got quiet, deep, and sensual, "Appleoosa, are going to get a taste of my little Braeburns."
In all the other times this has happened, Discord has always refused for the simple reason of not being gay. But there was something about Braeburn that made him irresistible. He hated him, but he couldn't get away. It was a pure black hole of manly.
As if under hypnosis, Discord flopped onto Braeburn's bed with an audible pomf. "What are we going to do on the bed? Waah!"
Braeburn climbed on top of him, and licked his lips. "Don't worry, this isn't going to be painful. You'll enjoy every second." He reached a hoof between his hind legs, and through some manipulation of spacial relativity, pulled his foot-long cock out of hiding.
Discord had existed for eons. In his time, he had seen plenty of dicks. But this one...this was as glorious as the humble penis could get. To look at it was to stare into the face of God. He was already in ecstasy, and the act of sex hadn't even started yet.
Braeburn moved himself forward, his shaft coming closer to Discord's receiving mouth. It pushed its way in as Discord began to...
"STOP THIS! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!"
The Discord in the current time was lashing out in anger, destroying the visuals that had been provided. Pinkie was upset by the abrupt ending, and pulled out a suspiciously wet hoof to point. "Why did you stop it? It was just getting to the good part!"
"Because this never happened! I'm straight! I would never lower myself to perform such a lewd act, especially not with a stallion as aggravating as him! Someone is trying to sabotage my life with lies! AUTHOR!"
Responding to the call, a hole in existence popped open, and an orange pegasus stallion with a brown mane fell in front of the hosts. He was unfazed by what would be a big deal for most other ponies. "What up, guys? You called for me?"
Discord grabbed the stallion by the throat and lifted him into the air. "Why are you fabricating these stories about me? Do you get some kind of sick, twisted kick out of making a straight character suddenly gay, Flame Bristle?"
"Am I wrong in my assumption that everyone is gay for Braeburn? Writing about sex with him is special, you can't just lump it in with the other categories."
"And you're the one who's been tasked with telling everyone else about how to write sex. I happen to know that you're still a virgin, why does this duty fall on you?"
Bristle pointed an accusing hoof. "Hey, go back to Chapter 1! I had sex with Fluttershy, it's written right there!"
"Because it's a good idea to believe the words of the author when the only source he can provide is the story he wrote. I know your type, you find a pony attractive and just want to know what it would be like to fuck them."
Bristle's eyes shifted left and right, curiously not denying the accusation.
Pinkie spoke up. "Discord's got a point. I've looked back over at the sexual encounters you've written, across all your stories, and you seem to be lacking. Most noticeably, you avoid writing sex whenever possible. Plus, you've been losing your touch. We were pretty badly out of character not all that long ago."
Bristle mouthed along, as a form of mocking. "So, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to materialize a hot girl next to me who's willing to do it right there? I'm the author of this story, I hold all the cards, and they're all full houses! You...you probably shouldn't play poker with me."
"You seem to forget, I am the Lord of Anarchy. The bounds of your words is not enough to hold me. We are going to take matters into our control now. You will learn about sex, but you will have to earn it. If you can get laid in the power struggle you will be thrown into, we will consider you worthy enough to write for us. Fail, and you will suffer a fate worse that death."
Discord opened a portal, and threw Bristle in, who was screaming "I didn't agree to this!" He wiped his hands clean and addressed the audience. "We're back, in full force! Tune in next time as we observe his feeble attempts to do it. It's going to be a riot, trust me." He pulled his hand over the screen, wiping it to black.
"Unh...ugh...what happened?" Bristle struggled to get up, and he saw sunlight. It was an ordinary day. Lying outside a normal house, squirrels ran, doing whatever the fuck squirrels do. He wiped his hand across his face to get..."HAND?" He looked at his body, and confirmed that he was, in fact, human. Terrified, the only thing that got to him was another scream from the opposite side of the house. Bristle got up to investigate, and was not prepared for the sight.
Twilight Sparkle was on her knees in the driveway. She was also human, screaming at that horrifying realization. Her trusted companion Spike was with her, but he was a dog.
Flame Bristle sighed heavily as he realized what torture Discord had thrown him into. "Fuck you too, Discord."
"King me!" Pinkie threw down her cards, a perfect straight flush.
Discord threw his hand of cards on the table in frustration. "It's not fair, you don't even know what game we're playing!"
Pinkie, ever the ignorant one, replied, "Go fish?"
"Hey, do we ever do anything actually important on this show? Or did you invite me just to watch you play poker?"
Discord threw the table to the side, without ever touching it, and looked back at the camera. "Of course we have a need for you! It's time for Hey You, Down There, and things are getting interesting."
"When we last left off, we sent the author to another dimension with my close friend, Twilight Sparkle, in an attempt to get them both to learn about the magic of sex. Because of the logistics of inter-dimensional travel, they have both been turned into humans, so we brought in our local human expert, Lyra Heartstrings."
"And it's a good thing you did, because humans are a very odd species. They got a whole bunch of wiggly little digits, and clothing concerns."
"Hold on a minute here. If you're going to be a host, your text needs to have some sort of defining characteristic. Let me see what's still available." Discord flipped through a variety of text styles, occasionally applying them to Lyra.
">mfw thisishowitalk.jpg"
"if(commentRelevant==true)
return comment;"
"HI, LYRA HEARTSTRINGS HERE FOR OXICLEAN!"
"Ooh, I like that one! Makes me want to buy things!"
"IT WORKS FOR PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGS! Damn, that's hard to get under control."
"And that makes three. I think we've had enough introductions, we should tune into what can only turn into amazing failures on the parts of our two virgin stars. And a small apology for last chapter, the author assumed that he was at a house at the very end without actually knowing. They were actually in front of the high school. Even when we're controlling him, he's still screwing up. It doesn't bode well."
"Stop screaming, Twilight. It's not that bad."
"It is that bad! I'm a completely different species now! Spike is a dog! I have no idea where Sunset Shimmer is! And what are these things?" Twilight wiggled the appendages on her new hands.
"Those are called 'fingers', Twilight. They can be moved independently of each other and can be used in so many different ways. I like having them. Wait, why am I explaining this to you? Spike had them!"
Twilight started to familiarize herself with her surroundings, and the man in front of her clicked. "WHO ARE YOU?"
"I'm Flame Bristle. I screwed...or did I? I don't know what's real here. I think I'm just suffering for my sins, and a bit overdue, I might add." No reason to explain he was the author, wouldn't want to get too meta. "You said something about a Sunset Shimmer. You're looking for her?"
"Yes! She stole my crown and fled into a dimensional mirror! And I only have three days to get it back before..."
Twilight was interrupted. Bristle never missed the opportunity to reference something. "Before the moon crashes? Are we going to need an Ocarina? And if you're looking for a crown, why would you even think of investigating a high school? Wouldn't the forbidden Shell City be a better starting place?" Twilight looked confused at the sudden influx of questions. "You didn't get my references. Story of my life."
"High school?" Twilight looked at the large building they were located in front of. The statue directly next to her even had a sign that said "Canterlot High School". "So...do we look in the high school?"
"Why are you asking me? This sounds like it's your mission, I'm just here because I pissed off a deity. I'm getting out of here by learning a completely different lesson, and accomplishing a completely different goal. Besides, I'm in no hurry to return to high school."
Twilight stood up. "Well, I need to get going! Equestria is in danger, and I need to recover my crown to stop it!" She ran off in determination...for one step, before she faceplanted onto the concrete. She got up, and fell down again. Bristle would have helped her, but her skirt would get displaced during the falls. He was always an upskirt kind of guy.
After the fifth fall, she got up and stood still to prevent another crash, and fumed. "Why are these legs so hard to control!? Why is this body so impossible to use!?"
Spike, apparently now over the shock of being a dog, resumed his duties as Twilight's mental reign. "Come on, Twilight, look on the bright side. You don't have to worry about wings anymore."
"Yeah," Bristle added, "and you have boobs now! Overall, I'd say you made a pretty good trade."
"He's got a point. Fingers, clothes, breasts, Twilight's in a good spot."
Twilight's "I'm so close to killing you" look seemed to indicate she did not think of these as silver linings. "You're both useless! I'm finding Sunset Shimmer as fast as I can so I can get out of this evil world!" She turned to make her dramatic exit...and fell again.
Spike walked next to Twilight, who wasn't making another effort to stand up again. "It's really not hard to walk on two legs, Twilight. I've been doing it for 8 years."
"Well, good on you, Spike. I don't have that sort of time. We've only got those three days until the portal closes."
Bristle walked past them, not worrying about their pettier issues. He managed to walk pretty fine. "You two deal with your problems, I need to go find a hot girl. And I've also only got those three days to do it, so I'm in my own rush." Going up the stairs to the school, he threw the door open and walked in, dramatically and fabulously.
"Yeah...I don't think you can pull off the "fabulous Demon Lord" angle there, Bristle. My heart did not fill with rainbows."
"Alright, what have we got?" Bristle held his arms out, his body ready. He opened his eyes, and saw the halls were empty. "Oh, it's between classes. Or after them. I actually have no idea what time it is."
"My watch says it's 9:35."
"I've got 9:37."
"Do I have to be the logical one here? He's in a different time zone. But for the record, I've got 9:35, but I think Pinkie's watch is more accurate."
The school bells rang, and the halls suddenly filled with students. They went in all directions to their next classes, making the corridors a mess of teens, anarchy. "Ah, it's high school just as I remember it."
Twilight, doing her best on two legs, made it into the building. "So...would you have any idea how to find Sunset Shimmer, either of you?"
Spike, peeking out of her backpack, shrugged. Bristle looked over the cacophony of students. "Depends. Is she hot?"
"How should I know? I didn't get that good a look at her while she was stealing my crown and escaping into an alternate dimension. Also, she's kind of evil." When Bristle didn't stop looking expectantly at her, she continued. "But sure, she was pretty attractive."
"Then follow me! We'll find her before long." He held his finger high in the air, inciting an adventure. He started his march, which Twilight followed simply for not understanding the proper walking protocol.
"9:38!"
As other kids went about their business, the pair of ponies-turned-humens continued to look for their bounty. Twilight had not given a description of Sunset Shimmer, so Bristle was just walking blind. Considering that, it was funny that he wasn't the one who slammed directly into someone at their locker. That was all Twilight.
"Did he just write 'humen'?"
"Sorry, are you alright?" The boy reached down to help the entranced Twilight up. "You should probably pay more attention where you're walking, wouldn't want to crash into anything else." His voice was soft, and Twilight found it very comforting. She was getting lost in his eyes. He cleared his throat when he saw she wasn't responding. "Well...okay, I should get going." And with that, he left.
Once he was out of earshot, she sighed lustfully. Spike poked out of her backpack. "Smooth."
"Come on, Spike. You were no different when you first met Rarity. And did you see him? He looks so dreamy."
Bristle leaned against the wall of lockers. "Well, I understand we all have our different tastes in what we're looking for in a partner, but based on a cursory glance, I'd say that he's a pretentious dick who's a 'nice guy' to women, is 'learning to play guitar', and taking a shot in the dark on this one, but has a tragically small penis."
"You can't make claims like that just by looking at him. He's a perfect guy."
Bristle and Spike looked at each other, not believing the nonsense Twilight had started spouting. "Are you going to continue your plan to fix everything by getting your crown back and punishing the perpetrator, or are you just going to get into his pants now," Spike asked. "Cause if you're incapable of doing work, we could probably do it better."
Twilight shook her head, freeing her mind of her female gaze. "I think I'm good now. Sorry, I saw him and I felt like I was under mind control. We should get going."
Bristle nodded. "We've both been single for too long, I know. There's a reason I'm here with you, after all. Let's get to work and accomplish our goals."
Now that the hallways had quieted down, a smaller voice could be heard. "I'm so sorry, Sunset Shimmer. I didn't know!"
Twilight turned to the voice, shocked. "That can't be..."
The group ran towards the source of the sounds. They found a girl being towered over by another girl, pressing her against the lockers. "What gives you the audacity to take something that doesn't belong to you?"
The girl she was bullying slid down against the wall. "I...I didn't know it was yours. I just found it and brought it to the principal."
The bully moved in closer. "Well, maybe you should think!"
Twilight wasn't about to just watch this. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?"
Both of them looked at Twilight, in shock for different reasons. In the silence, Bristle interjected. "Yeah, how dare you pick on someone much hotter than you!"
The bully stammered. "W-what? H-how dare you! I'll have you know that I'm the most sought-after girl in this entire school! Any guy would be lucky to have me!"
Bristle chuckled. "I knew high school students were crazy, but I think you're giving them too little credit. Horny teenage boys are not that desperate."
Angry, she left without saying a word, giving Twilight the chance to pick up the other girl. "Are you alright? What kind of crown was it that made her so angry you took it?"
She dusted herself off. "Thank you so much for standing up for me. That was Sunset Shimmer, she doesn't need much of a reason to be a jerk. Most of the school is afraid of her."
Twilight turned her head in the direction Sunset has walked. "So that's Sunset Shimmer. You said you brought the crown to the principal's office."
She nodded, and Twilight ran off. Bristle stayed behind, long enough for Twilgiht to sheepishly walk back. "And...which direction is that?"
"Down this hallway, turn right, there's a sign on the door." Twilight ran off again. When Bristle walked past, the girl blushed. "You...you're the first person to call me attractive."
He looked at her incredulously. "There's absolutely no way that's possible. I'm shocked other guys aren't tripping over themselves to ask you out."
She crossed her feet and turned slightly from side to side. "N-no. Other students hardly notice me, and I could never ask them first."
"Well, let me say, you deserve better than that, Fluttershy." And Bristle ran off before she could ask how he knew her name. Even still, she couldn't keep her thoughts off of him. In a matter of seconds, she realized she needed to slink away to the girl's room to "take care" of a growing wetness down below.
In the meantime, Bristle had caught up to Twilight, standing in front of a door labeled "Principal Celestia". She didn't quite understand. "How...how is this happening? There's a Celestia, that girl was clearly Fluttershy, the boy was Flash, even some of the kids looked familiar. It's so similar, but so different at the same time."
Bristle didn't have time to get all existential. As he opened the door, he answered, "Have you ever heard of the multiverse theory? That's what this is. Don't think too hard."
The woman sitting at the desk inside the room looked up from her work when she heard the door open. "I don't think I've seen either of you before. May I help you?"
While Twilight was still shocked from what is best described as deja vu, Bristle answered. "I'm Flame Bristle, and this is Twilight Sparkle. Fluttershy told us that she brought a crown she found to you this morning, and the universe is too complicated to explain why, but we need it."
Celestia was horribly confused by his request. "Are...are you asking to sign up for Fall Formal Princess?" It was the best explanation she could come up with.
Twilight was intrigued. "Fall Formal Princess?"
"Yes, we've got the Fall Formal coming up in a few days, and the students elect who they want to be their princess. The winner earns the crown."
"And...where can I sign up for the running?"
"You'll have to find the head of the Party Committee. She'd be in the gym setting up all the decorations. If you have any other questions, it'd be best to ask her."
"Thank you very much, princ...ipal." Twilight managed to catch herself before she addressed this Celestia by the wrong title. "We should get going, then. Come along, Bristle."
"And we have to stop here for now! Not only are we out of time, but we've got hoards of censors knocking down the door to silence us. Lyra offered to stop them, but she's still changing into her 'censor-fighting attire'."
Just as he said, Lyra burst out, wearing a brown coat, matching brown pilot helmet, and red-tinted goggles. "I am Razputin, Psychonaut! Censors are nothing to me!" She used her magic to create a giant floating hand next to her, and ran towards the door to fight.
Things were looking pretty hopeless. The trio of commentators were surrounded by censors, closing in to free the world from dirty thoughts. There was only so much that one unicorn who thought she was a Psychonaut could do. "Can't you do something, Discord? Don't you have the power to break reality?"
"Yes, but they can fix what I break, and stop whatever I want to do. First I have to deal with Sequel Police and now this? Organizations have it out for me."
"Sequel Police?"
"Well, this looks like the end. It's been an honor working with you ladies, but it's the final cancellation for us. Here I come, grandma! You big jerk!"
Just as they had accepted their fates and embraced the inevitability of death, a mysterious figure came in through the ceiling. It was a darker cream-colored mare, with a swirled blue mane, and a white delivery outfit. She also had something else definitely of note, some huge...tracts of land. She reached into the box she was carrying, and pulled out a glass bottle of milk. Turning towards the army of censors, she uttered only two sentences, enough to make them all visibly afraid. "I am the milkmare. My milk is delicious."
Now that she had made her identity known, she made the cap of the bottle ignite, and threw it into the center of the crowd. It produced a large explosion that managed to kill all the censors, yet leave the ponies (and Discord) unharmed. Once they had realized they had been saved, the heroic mare turned to them and nodded once. "The milkmare has completed her route." And before any questioning about what the fuck just happened could start, she left.
"Well...that happened. There goes a mare that somehow knew we were in trouble, and saved us with dairy products. I might just need to lie down and question reality."
"Awesome rack on her, though."
"Aw, true dat. By the way, do you think we should get someone to fix these gaping holes in our studio?"
"You two get back to our program, I'll call someone."
While Pinkie walked to the phone, Discord and Lyra sat back down. "So...we're back. I can't even say anything about this. Just start it back up, please."
Twilight and Bristle walked through the school halls, following the signs pointing to the gym. Bristle was carefully studying a piece of paper he pulled off a wall, reading it multiple times to make sure he didn't miss anything. "Alright, so I'm reading over this flyer for Fall Formal Princess, and there's actually nothing on here that says a male can't apply."
"I think being female is implied with the title 'princess'. Because if you're thinking to apply, I don't think I want to be paired with you anymore."
"What kind of a horribly biased culture do we live in where a man can't be beautiful? If I want to be admired by my peers for being the most loved student, damn it I will be! Winning a title like this has been my dream ever since I was little. It was either that, or bring about the destruction of the world through fire. Also, I wanted to be a Jedi, but come on, who doesn't?"
While Twilight didn't say anything, she did take a large step to the side away from him as they kept walking. They both stayed silent until they reached the set of the doors to the gym. Twilight stepped in front, pushing open the double doors. They stepped into the giant empty gym, exactly what you'd expect a high school gym school to be like. It was a bit nicer with some colorful streamers and balloons, but still pretty boring. The only other point of note was the girl putting up the decorations.
"I'd say that's the party manager, and she looks like another mare I'd know. She'll help us out, no doubt." Twilight went up to her, with Bristle following. Just as she was about to talk to the pink party...person, she turned around with a very full balloon, still blowing into it. They made very brief eye contact through the not-transparent balloon, before she let it go to talk. "Hey there, I haven't seen you before. Are you new? I'd love to throw a party to celebrate, but I'm a little busy with the Fall Formal 3 days away."
"That's why I'm here, actually. I wanted to sign up for the running of Fall Formal Princess."
Her mouth was agape. Before she could gasp, the balloon she let go landed, at the top of the tall ladder she was using. She instantly switched from shocked to normal. "Can you wait a second? Need to go get that."
She started to climb, while Twilight and Bristle looked on. Twilight was confused herself why she reacted how she did, and Bristle just wanted to add another upskirt to his daily count. Which is why he joined in the absolute wide-eyed shock when he saw nothing up there. Oh, it's not like there was a void beneath her skirt, but there certainly weren't any panties either.
"So what if my alternate universe doppelganger doesn't have underwear on? I never do."
"Humans wear clothing to cover their bodies. Their society is built around these clothes, so when they don't wear them, it's a shock. She also picked the best missing piece, at least to any male onlookers."
"So Bristle can see this Pinkie's privates? So what? I see our Pinkie's stuff all the time."
"Yes, but he's not fucking this one."
"I KNOW! THAT'S THE PROBLEM!"
Human Pinkie descended from her perch, deflated balloon in hand. She noticed Bristle staring at her, seemingly never blinking. She left him be and turned back to Twilight. "All right, where were we? Oh right, you wanted to sign up for Fall Formal Princess. So I was at this part, then." She resumed her aghast look, flabbergasted someone would even dare compete.
"Well, yeah. Why is that such a big deal?"
"Because no one competes anymore. Sunset Shimmer has run unopposed for the past 3 years. She intimidates anyone else running so bad they drop the race. It's gotten pretty bad before, and I wouldn't want to see it happen to you."
Twilight put her hand to her chest. "Well, I'm made of tougher stuff. I've dealt with bullies before. Well, my big brother did. Well, he didn't so much 'deal with them' as 'beat them up'. But it got them to stop making fun of me, that's for sure."
Bristle had since gotten over his arousal overtaking his thought, but he'd be lying if he said he wasn't thinking about it at all. "And since her big brother isn't here, I'll fill the role. I wouldn't mind beating up a jerk."
Pinkie shook her head. "I don't think beating up Sunset Shimmer is going to help anything. I wish the best of luck to you." She pulled out a clipboard with a piece of paper strapped to it, with only one name on the list. Twilight took the pen, and held it unsure of what to do with it. After pulling her hand back a few times, she put the pen in her mouth and wrote that way.
Bristle rolled his eyes and took the pen in his hand, and wrote it that way. "They call it 'handwriting' for a reason, Twilight."
Pinkie looked at Twilight. "Your name is Twilight? Are you the twin of the Twilight Sparkle that lives in the city, looks exactly like you, and has a dog named Spike that looks exactly like yours?"
Twilight turned her head to her backpack, where Spike was indeed poking out. He shrunk back into the bag. Bristle covered for her. "Most likely, one of these Twilights is a robot duplicate, clone, or alternate dimension doppelganger. Don't ask me to decide, Pinkie."
"How did you know my name is Pinkie? I never introduced myself."
Bristle wiggled his fingers in her face. "Psychic powers."
"You have psychic powers too? There should be a camp for ponies like us."
Suddenly, the gym door opened again, and all they could see was a pair of legs with a stack of crates being carried above them. "Order for 20 cases of fizzy apple cider?"
Pinkie lit up. "That's me!" She ran over to the boxes, and grabbed one off the top of the pile. Now, the face of the girl who was carrying them could be seen. She was decidedly southern, with noticeable freckles and a stetson, probably because stetsons are cool. She set her boxes down on a table and pulled out one of the bottles, popping the cap and taking a sip as someone else carrying a larger stack of crates came in.
Twilight leaned next to Bristle. "That'd be Applejack. If Sunset Shimmer is a bully like Pinkie says, Applejack would be more than willing to help. And that's her older brother, Big Macintosh."
Bristle put his hand in front of her mouth. "You don't have to act like I have no idea who any of you are. You're kind of famous. Being heroes of Equestria 4 times over will do that."
"Right. I tend to forget that a lot."
Twilight walked over towards Applejack to enlist her, when Pinkie introduced them. "This is Twilight, she's planning to run against Sunset Shimmer for Fall Formal Princess."
Applejack did an impressive spit take before standing up and grabbing Twilight by the shoulders. "Are you crazy, sugarcube? Do ya want to know what sort of horrible things she'll do to you just to get rid of the competition? Ya'll are probably gonna have to change schools!"
Twilight gently brushed her off. "Applejack, I think I can handle a high school girl with an inferiority complex. I've dealt with worse."
"You don't understand! Her heart is pure evil, and...wait, how did you know my name?"
Pinkie slid next to her and whispered in her ear, "They have psychic powers."
Applejack looked at Pinkie like she was insane...
"SHE IS!"
...and gently pushed her away. "Alright. Ah won't stop you if ya really want to do this, but just know that it's gonna be hell."
Bristle finally joined their conversation after doing god knows what on the other side of the gym for so long. "Yeah yeah, teenage girl is the scariest thing we'll ever see. I think we should probably get going, Twilight."
Twilight nodded. "Probably, other things to do, you know. Need to get ready for the campaign, after all. Nice to meet you both." The two of them left the room, leaving the room feeling empty and unsure of what had transpired.
Good thing Sunset Shimmer came in right then with her cronies to "lighten up" the mood. As the lackeys went about their business criticizing everything, Shimmer got down to business with Pinkie. "These streamers are horrible! The color choices are abominable! And you know I hate balloons! You expect me to accept the crown with a ceremony being plagued with decorations for a six-year old?"
Applejack got straight up in her face. "And what makes ya think ya'll are gonna win this time? You've got competition this time."
"WHAT?!" She ripped the sign up clipboard away from Pinkie and read it over. She looked at it again, and one more time. "What is this? I can't read it at all. Did they write this with their mouths?"
Pinkie answered the question that wasn't supposed to be answered. "One of them did. The other used their hands."
"Well then, this other has the worst handwriting I've ever seen. Can you just tell me their names?"
Pinkie replied again, a veritable stock of the answers. "Twilight Sparkle and...actually, I don't know his name. The guy she's hanging out with."
Sunset Shimmer held her fist out. "Sparkle! You'll suffer for daring to stand against me, and wait did you say 'guy'?"
Meanwhile, far away, Twilight noticed Bristle lost in thought. "You okay? Something on your mind?"
"Nothing much, just realized I didn't get a chance to look up Applejack's skirt. I was on a roll. Actually, I missed out on Fluttershy too. I need to step up my game if I'm planning to enjoy my time in high school again."
Twilight and Bristle had walked into the school's library, prepared to do some research. Bristle had no idea what she expected to find, but he figured living in a library biased you towards them. He was not expecting how big a high school library would be.
"What kind of high school has a library this big? Mine had about 4 working computers, no useful books, and nice big windows that usually had dead birds in the view."
"Really? My library was always this nice back in school. I could spend all day and night in there doing research or just leisurely reading."
"Well then, let me offer two rebuttals. Number one, not all of us went to fancy schools under the private tutelage of Princess Celestia herself. And number two, NEEEEEERD!"
"Ooh, great rebuttal there, Bristle. I'm sure she's just aching inside, hurt by your genius. And because it can't be properly conveyed through text, that's sarcasm right there."
"And now that I'm done with insulting you, would you care to explain what you expect to find in a library? We're supposed to be researching ways to win a race for a meaningless high school title in order to win a crown, and more importantly, ways to take Sunset Shimmer down. We're not going to find that among books on the fall of the Roman Empire."
Twilight looked at him, shocked that he underestimated the power of books. "Don't you get it? We're in a library! Books are the greatest weapons there are!"
"You stole that from Doctor Who."
Twilight ignored him. "School libraries also contain various records on the school and the people in it. We could find something in here that gives us insight on Sunset Shimmer's past here, something we could use."
"Well, I'm already seeing a few flaws in that plan. First off, we don't know how old she is. She could be a freshman, and have absolutely no presence in the books. Or of course, she could be an antisocial asshole, preventing being photographed or listed in any groups."
"Somehow I doubt she's the kind to avoid attention. She seems pretty vain and power-hungry."
Twilight's bag started rustling and punched from the inside. She unzipped it, and Spike popped out, gasping for air. "Is it too much to ask you to leave it a little open for an air hole? It's almost impossible to breathe, and the smell of a stuffy bag is hardly nice."
"Oh yeah, Spike exists. Somehow, the role of 'comic relief dog' doesn't offer him much time to do anything."
"Anyway, from what I could hear inside a bag, there's something else wrong here. You're looking for information on Sunset Shimmer in a yearbook? What are you going to do, taunt her with her favorite quote?"
Twilight threw her hands into the air. "Fine, doubt my plan. But I'm going to put Sunset Shimmer back in her place, win the crown, and go back to Equestria even if you don't help!"
"What makes you think I'm not helping," Bristle asked. "I don't have anything better to do right now, and I'm always up for some knocking down pegs of...people...down. Lost my train of thought. Anyway, let's get to work!"
Smiling, Twilight tried to pull a book off the shelf. She kept running her fingers across it, not having enough mastery to perform the basic action. She gave up and grabbed it with her mouth, tossing it to Bristle that way, who made a point to wipe it off before opening it and reading. She grabbed another book using the same method and dropped it on the floor for Spike. Finally, with one more book out, they were ready to begin their investigation.
Twilight had been reading her book for 5 minutes before Bristle excitedly shoved the open book in her face. "I found something pretty good! We can work with this!"
She took the book and read the page he had open. Sure enough, it had a picture of Sunset Shimmer. She looked it over, but didn't find any useful information. "Okay, you found a picture. What does this prove?"
"Don't you see? Look at her shirt. Isn't there something suspicious about it? Maybe a marking that shouldn't be there?"
Twilight looked at the picture closer, at the more specific area Bristle had pointed out, but didn't find anything more. "No, I don't see it. What are you trying to make me notice?"
He sighed and put his finger on the image. "That, right there. It's a white splotch on her shirt, and those don't have many explanations. The way I see it, our Sunset Shimmer is a whore, plain and simple."
Now that Twilight did indeed see what he was talking about, she noticed it somewhere else on the page. "Well, what about this? This picture of Pinkie Pie has the exact same mark. How do you explain that one?"
"Well, when the subject is Pinkie Pie, the amount of possibilities opens up greatly. Perhaps she spilled some powdered sugar, or frosting. Maybe it's glue. Or she could be a slut too, did you already forget the "Panty Incident of Not Even 30 Minutes Ago"?
"If there was ever an event that deserved a statue to commemorate it, that would be a prime contender. I'll build it myself if I have to."
"Look, the point is, it doesn't matter what it is. We can claim that it's exactly what we think it is on Sunset, ruin her image, and guarantee a victory for us. Hehe, spreading dirty rumors is fun."
Unbeknownst to them, but knownst to us, Sunset Shimmer was watching from a distance, spying on them. "It sure is. By tomorrow morning, you'll both be so hated that you won't even be able to stay in this dimension." She slunk away, an evil plan forming and ready to be carried out.
Twilight, Bristle and Spike were continuing to look through the books on any more solid information. Bristle opened up to a new page and smiled. "Aw, what a cute picture of Fluttershy." He pulled out his phone and aimed it at the page. "And...saved." The click of the camera was drowned out by the ringing school bell.
Twilight looked up. "What do you think it's signaling?"
"I hope it's lunch time. I could eat. I always could."
"Lunch? It's 2:30 in the afternoon."
"I got 2:28."
"WE'RE NOT HAVING THIS DISCUSSION AGAIN!"
They put their books back and walked out of the library. Wandering around hoping to find the cafeteria, they happened to bump into Fluttershy again. "Well, hello again sweetie. Nice to run into you again. Where we going?"
Fluttershy blushed hard. "It's lunch time. Since you two don't seem to know your way around, do you want to follow me?"
Twilight nodded. "That sounds great, Fluttershy. Do you have anything else we should probably know about the school as long as we're here?"
Fluttershy started explaining as they walked together. "There's a lot you should know, but the most important thing is to stay in your own social group. People in the other groups can be nice, but it's not good to take chances." They entered the cafeteria, and Fluttershy pointed out the tables. "You've got the musicians, the actors, the geeks, the jocks, and the hippies. You can tag along with me and the other animal lovers for now."
"You kidding? The geeks are a prolific clique in this school? I've found my people." Bristle left to join his table.
Twilight stayed. "I think I'll stay with you, Fluttershy. Any more useful information?"
"The only other thing I can think of is to stay away from Sunset Shimmer, but it looks like you're already defying that one. I know you're brave enough to stand up to her, but please be careful. She's done some terrible things."
"Why does everyone keep saying that? She's a mean high school girl, it's not like she's going to grow wings and fangs with demonic powers if I make her mad."
"You don't understand. She's made other kids have to leave this school because they accidentally did something to her. She can dig up the worst and most private dirt on you and make everyone know it. There's a few rumors that she fakes the pictures she shares, but no one would dare call her out on it."
As the two girls got their food and sat down, Twilight continued. "Well, I think we might be able to give her a taste of her own medicine soon enough. But we're going to need a little more solid evidence first."
Fluttershy's eyes widened. "You WHAT?! No, nononono! You can't directly oppose her if you want to make it out with any dignity intact! Look, I want you to look over there. You see that girl over there?"
Twilight turned her head to look where Fluttershy was pointing. She saw a girl happily eating peanut butter crackers. "Is this just a thing with me today? This is the second time today I'm missing what someone else is pointing out."
"That is Trixie. Not too long ago, she used to be a magician. She was amazing, could draw a crowd and perform really impressive tricks. One little trick involving Sunset Shimmer later, she hates magic with a passion and doesn't want to be anywhere near it again. It gets that bad."
"Well, she's going to have a hard time finding anything to use against me. I'm clean and new here."
"That's not enough, she will..." She was interrupted by Twilight's backpack trying to force itself open. A paw stuck out of the hole and pulled the zipper up, letting Spike walk out and steal some food. Fluttershy forgot what she was talking about. "You have a dog? Oh, he's so cute! Are you hungry, little guy? Here, I've got some treats in my bag for you." She pulled out a dog treat, letting him eat it out of her hand while she pet him. "What's his name?"
Twilight was taken aback at the sudden change in conversation tone. "Oh, he's Spike."
While Fluttershy continued to pet and scratch Spike, Bristle slid onto the bench. "Alright, so I managed to get some information from my fellow geeks, and it confirms my earlier theory. That guy's Flareon isn't walking again." He noticed Fluttershy and Spike on the table. "Good thing no one in high school cares about much, or someone would probably notice the dog on the table."
Twilight turned to face Bristle. "So, what did they tell you?"
"Well, for starters, Sunset Shimmer pretty much controls the primary flow of information across the school. She finds out a lot of what people just tell each other, which makes others too scared to even talk about her in any capacity. But we control the encrypted channels, so the techies have got the most to share. Turns out, Sunset Shimmer has slept with half the guys here, even when she had a boyfriend. Flash Sentry broke up with her because he caught her blowing Soarin'. They even agreed to provide various pictures." A chime came from his pocket, and he pulled out his phone. "Ooh, that's one for the archives."
Twilight grinned deviously. "So, we go up to Sunset Shimmer, let her know we have these pictures, and we won't hesitate to share them if she gives us reason to?"
"Yep. It's a good thing we're the good guys here, or else we'd be insufferable dicks for blackmailing her."
"Took the words right out of my mouth."
Fluttershy pulled her hands back. "You can count me out of this. I don't want to risk my deepest secrets being made public because we pissed her off! You're suicidal for even thinking of it!"
Bristle grabbed her hand. "Don't you worry. I can take a little name calling, or being hated by all my peers. It's nothing new for me. But of course, it wouldn't hurt to have a little group behind us. Perhaps including someone popular enough that they can't excommunicate."
Fluttershy pulled her hand out of his grasp, though he noted it was done reluctantly. "As I said, there's no one popular enough to be safe from Sunset Shimmer's powers. But your best bet is Rainbow Dash, star athlete. The sports teams aren't going to give up their best player easy."
Twilight picked up her bag. "Then that's who we're going to talk to. You're an incredible help, Fluttershy. I don't know how far we would have gotten without you. Can I have Spike back now?"
Even more reluctantly, she handed Spike back, who also fought to stay. With some effort and a growl, he was back in the bag, and the trio of outsiders were off to the athletic field.
"Okay, I'm getting bored now. We're still here, meeting the characters. This still counts as exposition. Get on with it!"
"Yes, get on with it!"
A crowd cheered in agreement. Pinkie Pie picked up the remote. "Well, let me hit the play button if you're going to be so impatient."
Bristle and Twilight walked through the school's hallways, for what felt like the twentieth time in the last few hours.
"No no no, go past this part! In fact, never play this part again!"
"So, if we find this dimension's Rainbow Dash, we'll have an army? One that will rival the forces of the underworld? One that can win the war, seize the day, ours is the drill that will pierce through the heavens?"
Twilight facepalmed, now that she was getting the hang of finer motor control. "You're making it sound too grand. It's a group of high school kids going against a meaner high school girl. It's not the forces of Tartarus rising up."
As Bristle cursed their bad luck, Twilight felt something stick out in front of her ankle, causing her to trip onto the tile floor. Bristle's mood changed quickly as he praised the gods, or whoever gave Twilight such a short skirt. And then he had to notice who was at fault in the fall.
Sunset Shimmer laughed at Twilight. "Ah, Twilight Sparkle, just the girl I needed to talk to." She reached down and pulled Twilight up, though it was obvious it wasn't out of charity. "So, now that I've got you, I've got a message for you: drop out of the race. I won't let anyone else win, and you need to understand that."
Twilight stared Sunset Shimmer back down. "You've got every student in this school fearing you. You use that fear to control them, to make them serve you. But it's not going to work on me, you get that? You've got nothing on us."
"And who says I need any kind of gossip on you to win? In case you haven't noticed, you're not fitting in very well. It wouldn't take much to convince them that you don't deserve the title or the crown. Would they want the symbol of their school pride to a girl who just showed up and acts more like an alien attempting to fit in our civilization. And what are you going to tell them? That the crown is rightfully yours, because you're a pony princess from another dimension? You have no power here."
Twilight backed up, small steps at a time. Sunset Shimmer was starting to get to her, and she was still going. "But since you're going to use your princess status as leverage, just know that it is giving me something to work with. I've still got knowledge of Equestria, and I hear what ponies say about you now that you're a princess. And it's very well known that you're a virgin."
Twilight was pressed up against the wall. "S-s-so? W-what does that m-mean to y-you?"
Sunset Shimmer pressed very close to Twilight, so close that their bodies were touching. "So don't think I don't know how to push all your buttons. Virgins tend to have their own...special weaknesses." Her hands were working their way to Twilight's body, sliding up the bottom of her shirt, up to her chest. She didn't find the bra expected to be present, and grinned. "Ooh, someone's a naughty princess."
Twilight didn't know how to react. She knew that she was being harassed, that this was really bad, that she should be fighting and running away. If something like this happened back in Equestria, her guards would be on the assaulter in seconds, ready to throw them away. There had to be something similar here, right? Someone would help her if she called out for it, right now. That's all she needed to do, just cry out for assistance.
Instead, she moaned in ecstasy. She couldn't stop herself. She didn't want to admit it to herself, but Sunset Shimmer, the girl who stole her crown, fled to another dimension, and terrorized the students regularly, was fondling her breasts tenderly. And she was loving it. This is the sort of thing I've been missing all this time?
Sunset Shimmer seemed to be getting into it too. "You don't have any objections to another woman, do you? Because it's looking like you're in heaven. Now you're realizing what you can't accomplish on your own, you need someone else."
"Oh yes, please! Don't stop now!"
"This is straight out of a really bad porno."
"This is a really bad porno. That's the point of the story."
"Oh yeah. Good work. Actually, no. Do you have any idea how long it took to get to this point? The only 'titillating' things we've had before this were perverted upskirts and Fluttershy 'accident'. This is terrible erotica. Back me up, Lyra."
"Oh yeah, keep squeezing her boobs. Just like that, yes!"
"Aaaand she's clopping furiously under the table. Actually, that's really hot. I might just watch this instead. You with me, Pinks?"
"It is pretty nice, I admit. But somepony has to watch the story we're supposed to be seeing."
"...gah, stop staring at me! This is private! Turn around!"
"You lost the right to call it private when you started doing it right in front of us. Either keep going, or move on."
"You're disgusting!"
"Lovely. Focus on the virgins, please."
"Because of your pointless squabbling, you missed the interesting part. Sunset Shimmer made her point and left."
"SHIT!"
Bristle helped Twilight up off the floor. She was panting. "W-why didn't you help me earlier? That could have been nonconsensual molestation, and you just stood there and let it happen?"
"Is there such a thing as consensual molestation? Anyway, despite what you're thinking, I didn't just sit back and watch because it was improvised lesbian teasing. It wasn't that attractive, anyway."
"You sit on a throne of lies!"
"I stood back because you didn't ask for help. If you called out, I would have tackled her in a second. But it looked like you had the situation under control."
Twilight rubbed her arm and breathed in through her teeth. "I probably shouldn't have enjoyed that as much as I did. But...it just felt so good. I can't believe that I've been missing out on that my entire life. Is it that always that beautiful?"
Bristle half closed his eyes in annoyance. "Well, completely ignoring the fact that I'm not you and therefore have no idea how it felt, I'm a virgin too. I just know that jerking off feels pretty damn good too. So if you ever feel like focusing again, I'm ready."
"Y-yeah, sure. I uh, just... need to hit the filly's room first. F-feeling incredibly wet right now."
Bristle held up his hand. "So take care of that. Stop talking now."
Twilight nodded quickly and ran into the nearest bathroom, while Bristle noticed the sign on the door. He thought for a second before shrugging and leaning against the wall. "She can use the guy's room, not like anyone's out right now." He pulled out his phone and started looking at pictures of wolfjob.
Sunset Shimmer came back around the corner. "So that just leaves you. It's safe to assume you're the guy who wants to be a princess?"
Without looking up from the screen, Bristle replied incredibly deadpan, "What's it to you? Is your mind too constrained by pre-established gender roles that you can't accept a man wants to be beautiful?"
She stroked his chin. "I'll just be blunt with you because you're not as interesting. If you drop the race for me, I'll drop my panties for you. Do we have a deal?" She moved her hand to the crotch of his pants, feeling up his erection.
"Don't feel accomplished, that's got nothing to do with you. Other things on my mind." He sighed and put the phone in his pocket. "Not too long ago, I assumed that you were a she-demon who used sluttiness to get what she wanted and fear for everything else. Now that I've talked to you, I see you're just a whore. I may only be here to get laid, but I have my own standards."
"Why must you prolong this torture? Just rut her in the halls and end this story now."
Sunset Shimmer quickly pulled her hand back and threw it over his neck, constricting. "Listen here, bitch. I've got my own reasons for getting that fucking crown, and it's got nothing to do with 'being pretty and loved' or any of that shit. You get in my way, and I'll fuck you up bad. Don't be an idiot, understand?" She released her chokehold and walked away, staring at Bristle while she retreated. He responded with a middle finger.
Twilight walked out of the bathroom, panties above her knees as she was still wiping them off with toilet paper. On the ground, Spike was staring up at Twilight, eyes wide, taking in every detail. She seemed oblivious to what she was doing, or at least that it was wrong, and saw Sunset Shimmer disappearing around the corner. "What was she doing back here?"
"She's trying to use sex as leverage to win the crown, and judging by how she acted when I said I wasn't falling for it, she's got a real bad reason to want it. She's got something planned, and we need to stop her. You're listening to me, right? Don't go for her temptress act, it's all a sham to cheat us out of a victory, and to go through with her evil designs."
Twilight didn't respond with an affirmation, but she stopped cleaning herself off, dropped the used paper into a nearby trashcan, and pulled her panties back up. "Really? She was so tender and considerate, there's gotta be good in there somewhere, and I managed to pull it out! We just have to bring that to her forefront."
"Yeah, good idea. I'll beat the everloving shit of the evil side out of her. Get your brain out of your pants and your head out of your ass, Twilight. There's a possible...high school at stake, and...we have to save it...? You know, it sounds a lot less serious when all we stand to lose is a high school. Why am I even bothering?"
Spike threw his opinion into the matter. "He's got a point, Twilight. Celestia abandoned Shimmer because of her evil desires, there's no way we can ignore her when she's talking about how she needs what is not only your crown, but the Element of Magic. You can't let romance get in the way. Now, we were on our way to find Rainbow Dash to recruit her to our fight?"
Twilight sighed. "Right. Right, okay. I was letting lust get in the way of my duties. I'll try to keep my libido under control from now on."
"Good. Spike, in the bag. We've got a tyrannical prostitute to overthrow, and we're going to need a Skittle Pone to do it."
"Totally!"
"Skittles!"
"I had a stroke last week."
"...well, that was a downer. Where the hell did you even get that sound clip?"
"Ah, so this is what school sports fields look like."
Twilight and Bristle were standing outside the school, in front of the soccer field, where there was a lone girl on the grass kicking a ball around. Her rainbow-colored hair gave her identity away. Twilight concurred with her partner. "Yeah, I didn't visit our fields in school either. The library didn't have a view of the games."
"I can only assume that's Rainbow Dash there. I would be amazed if there were two girls with rainbow hair." Bristle inspected Rainbow closer as she moved all around. "And she's wearing shorts under her skirt. That sucks."
Twilight let out an exasperated sigh. "You're still on that? I was really hoping you'd either forgotten or given up."
"Well, it's not like it's the only thing I'm trying to do, but it's certainly not a bad thing either. I think it's a solid goal."
Twilight's backpack unzipped itself, and Spike's head popped out. "I'll concur, he's got things figured out. I'm jealous."
"Hey, if you want, I can take pictures."
Twilight groaned. "You boys are all the same, it's disgusting."
"Well, you don't have to worry about us. You've got Sunset Shimmer, after all."
Twilight blushed hard and got angry, slapping Bristle across the face. He barely reacted. "I deserved that. You hit like a pussy, by the way."
"Hold on, who is that in the bleachers? She looks familiar too, but she's a little too far away to tell."
Spike looked towards the stands, and instantly knew who he was looking at. After all, he had seen her so much in his dreams, fantasies, and clops. "This dimension has a Rarity too?" He jumped out of the backpack, landed on the grass, and sprinted towards her. Twilight and Bristle followed suit, at a much slower pace.
By the time they caught up, Spike was already curled up in Rarity's lap as she scratched under his ears. She looked up from the adorable pet. "Oh, is he yours? He just jumped up here and wanted to climb onto my lap. He's just so cute, I couldn't resist." Spike rubbed his cheek against her skirt, pressing against the front of her crotch. "A-ah, you shouldn't touch a girl there, little guy."
Twilight pulled Spike away, who was trying to hold on, pulling Rarity's skirt away with him, at least a little. In the immediately-following awkwardness, Spike let go and started wagging his tail, Rarity frantically pulled her skirt up before anyone could get too good a look, and Bristle took it in while he could.
"You're too kind to us, Spike."
"Not enough! Take it all off, Rarity! Right in the field, it'd be kinky as fuck! DO IT!"
Twilight scolded Spike. "No! Bad Spike! You should know better than being a pervert!" Spike whimpered in response.
Rarity, though still flustered, blushing very visibly under her white coat, and holding her skirt down, vouched for Spike's innocence. "Don't be so hard on him, he didn't mean to do that."
Twilight wanted to correct her that yes, he purposefully exposed her, but she probably shouldn't out herself by saying she's got a talking dog. "Doesn't make it acceptable behavior. We're here to talk to Rainbow Dash about joining our fight against Sunset Shimmer."
"So you're the ones who are taking Sunset Shimmer on. I'm at the center of rumors around school, I've heard about your plans. I wouldn't recommend it, she's got power, but it sounds like you're determined to go forward with this. I do have to ask, what's your reasoning for asking Rainbow Dash?"
"Fluttershy told us that Rainbow Dash was too popular and too good at sports to be ostracized just because Sunset starts saying things." Twilight then gently slapped Spike's head for trying to reach to Rarity's boobs.
"I don't remember Spike being this horny any time I saw him. My little dragon is growing up."
"Don't go crying on me now, Pinkie. You're getting sentimental because a dragon you know is becoming sexual."
"Hey, it's not a bad thing. He's finally becoming a true man. Also, he's pretty attractive, wouldn't mind it when he's legal."
"I suppose that's true, but you're carrying some weight with her. Without a doubt, she'll take up any chance to put Sunset Shimmer in her place, but she could go a little far. I'm not sure if I should be telling you this, but Rainbow is an ex-girlfriend of Sunset, and things ended very badly between them. She'll be out for blood."
Bristle gave a thumbs up. "Blood is exactly what we need. We've got suspicions that shit is going down if she wins the Fall Formal crown, and drastic measures might have to be taken if things get that bad."
Rainbow stopped her practice and made her way to the seats. "How d'ya think I did, sweetie?"
Twilight, Bristle, and Spike all looked at each other, somehow all convinced she was talking to one of them. Probably for the best that Rarity did stand up and take the initiative by embracing Rainbow. "What do you expect me to say, darling? You're pretty confident in your abilities already." And then they kissed.
"Yes! Yes!"
"And there's no chemistry between them. Ah, the days when putting random characters together was all we had to do for a quick buck."
The other side of the group was absolutely shocked. Twilight would have never imagined these two friends specifically in a romantic relationship, Bristle was happy that their sexual tension was resolving itself, and Spike had to cover up his little doggy dong and slink into the backpack again.
Rainbow broke from the kiss to address their guests. "Hey, I'm Rainbow Dash, but my reputation precedes me, right? Shouldn't you be in class?"
"I could say the same thing to you," Bristle replied. "I've heard from your little lover girl here that you would be all over helping us helping Twilight become Fall Formal Princess instead of Sunset Shimmer. As long as you can control yourself from murdering her until we say it's okay, we'd love to have you."
Rainbow cringed and scratched her neck. "See...here's the thing. Believe me, I hate Sunset Shimmer more than anyone else, and you know why. But that same reason is why I can't help. Because of our time together, she's got way too much shit on me. If I actively try to hunt her down, she will unleash all hell on me. I'd love to help you guys, but I still have a future to think of."
Rarity was the most surprised at her girlfriend. "This is a new side of you, Rainbow. I fully expected you to act bold and brash, just jump in without thinking of the consequences."
"Hey now, I'm perfectly willing to play things a little safer when it's obvious that I'm going to fail in a way that affects me personally. Sorry, but I'm staying out of this one."
Twilight put her hand on Rainbow's shoulder. "Come on, Rainbow. We need you to finally remove Sunset Shimmer from power. If you join us, we have a chance to win."
Bristle also tried to convince Rainbow. "If you win, you live. If you lose, you die. The only way to win is to fight."
"You stole that from Attack on Titan."
He ignored Twilight. "Point is, the only way you can possibly free yourself from this constant torture and anxiety is to put her in her place. The Sunset regime is coming to an end, and soon she will be replaced by a new reign of terror! MY reign of terror!" He laughed loud and evilly.
"Well...this is finally getting interesting."
"Okay...might have gone a little far on that, but I think you understand what I'm getting at. You're our best shot, if not for the difficulty of getting rid of you, then your passion for the hatred. I'll do what I must to get that crown back, but I shouldn't resort to beating her up and forcibly taking it back after an honest win."
Rainbow looked at him skeptically. "You're completely insane, aren't you?"
"Definitely."
Rainbow sighed. "I'll...think about it."
"That's all I ask. I think that's enough for us here, come on, Twilight. Might as well do something else. Bye Rainbow and Rarity. And I know you didn't introduce yourself, I just know your name, we're psychic, ask Pinkie."
They left only seconds after Bristle said his odd farewell, leaving the lovers so incredibly confused.
The rest of their day was uneventful. Avoiding Sunset Shimmer, planning out battle strategies...
"Slapping unicorns, going into space, breaking out of jail..."
"Stop! That's a copyrighted song! You can't use the lyrics without permission!"
"You trying to tell me that Danny Sexbang, chillest dude in the universe, would take legal action because we're just using a line from a song? We're pretty safe, right, Lyra?"
"I'm...staying out of this one."
Night had fallen, and since they didn't have a place to stay, Twilight made it her first effort to make a bed in the library. Bristle didn't feel like arguing. "Alright, I know you've got a thing for libraries, but is this really the most comfortable place in the school?"
"Didn't it just say he wasn't arguing?"
"That's not arguing, that's very clearly just raising a question."
"Well, I do like libraries. I've lived in libraries for years now, I'm just a lot more comfortable when I'm surrounded by books."
Bristle and Spike looked at each other, and both called Twilight out. "NEEEERRRDDD!"
Twilight grumbled and laid down on the bed of books Spike made for her. "Good night, boys." Spike jumped on her lap and circled a few times before lying down himself. Bristle instead opted for the softer chairs.
Twilight laid in her makeshift bed awake while her friend (and Spike) were comfortably asleep. Her problem wasn't so much discomfort (even though it was a pretty shitty excuse for a bed), but her mind being completely stuck on other things. She couldn't keep her thoughts away from Sunset Shimmer. Granted, when she was a threat to the safety of a world, and a thief of a valuable royal item, it would make sense to keep her in mind. But of course, that wasn't her focus.
She couldn't get away from Sunset sexually pleasing her earlier. It was incredible, she had never had that kind of beautiful release before, her hand exploring her own feminine parts couldn't possibly compare to a different pair. As evil as that Shimmer was, Twilight wanted nothing more than to feel that ecstasy again, and even give that feeling back. Twilight had never dealt with lying awake all night thinking about someone, and now..."Uh oh."
Now that was a feeling Twilight knew. She had to deal with it earlier today. Wetness. Sunset Shimmer was turning Twilight on beyond all belief. This girl, who should be her arch-enemy, was making Twilight hot and heavy. And Twilight really needed to take care of that.
"Transformation into 'worst porno I've ever seen' is now complete."
"And I've been with him for a long time, I've seen the types of porn he watches. It's not good. Actually kind of disgusting."
"I have needs too, Pinkie!"
"Any chance you could give me some links? For...curiosity purposes, obviously."
Twilight moved to stand up, before the force pressing down on her reminded her that Spike was sleeping. She gently picked him up and placed him on the cold floor beside her, removed the blanket, and started making her way to the closest restroom.
Unfortunately, Spike was only pretending to sleep, at least at that moment. He could feel Twilight's dampness, and initially worried that she had an "accident", a problem he thought she had grown past. Thankfully, it was the other kind of wet, and when she moved him to head to the bathroom, he managed to put the pieces together. And he wasn't about to let her get away with it. "Twilight, what the hell are you doing?"
Twilight froze up, and tried to evade the issue. "Spike, what did I tell you about using that kind of language?"
Spike shook his head. "You're not getting away from the question that easily. I'm not stupid, Twilight. I could feel you were having a problem just now. Please, please tell me you were fantasizing about that guy you were entranced with earlier today."
Twilight looked down and swung her foot. "Oh. You felt my..."
"Yes, I did, you don't need to say anymore. You weren't thinking about Sunset Shimmer, please tell me that."
She sighed ashamedly. "I'm really sorry, Spike. But she was so tender and made me feel so perfect. And now I can't stop thinking about her."
"Trust me, I understand what that's like. I feel the same way about Rarity, except she hasn't done anything for me yet. I don't have a problem with you being obsessively attracted to someone, it also doesn't matter that it's another mare. The part that worries me is that she's the girl we're here to find, arrest, bring to justice. You're not doing any favors by getting yourself involved with her."
"Well, what am I supposed to do!? This is the first time I've ever felt like this, the first time I've ever felt like I could be in love! I'm 19 years old, and I've got plenty of desirable qualities, including being a fucking PRINCESS! So why is it I still haven't even been APPROACHED ONCE about any kind of date!? It's looking like I could be alone for the rest of my life if this shit keeps up." She looked like she was about to cry.
On any other day, Spike would be terrified. Twilight did not swear. Twilight did not yell. She would have to be really pissed off to reach this level, and that usually meant Spike was on the receiving end. But this time, he wouldn't run, wouldn't slink away, he would do what he needed to. "You probably think I don't get it, but I do. You're angry, because you're finally feeling love, and you just know in your heart it's not going to work. But you want to hold onto your illusion, because that's what you need. That's my life."
"S-so you and Rarity..."
"Like I said, I'm not stupid. I get that it's not going to happen between us. Age, species, interests, there's too many barriers between us. It doesn't mean I'm going to stop dreaming about it, because that fantasy makes me happy. But I know you, Twilight. Sunset Shimmer is evil. You deserve much better than that. Even in your mind's eye, you can and should do better. I know I may have ripped into him earlier, but that guy you instantly fell for, he had an equal back in the Crystal Empire, right? So when we stop Sunset Shimmer and get back to Equestria, I will help you in any way I can to get you and him together."
Twilight said nothing. All she did was grab Spike, lift him up to her face, and hug him. She gently pet and stroked him as he hugged back. She finally whispered into his ear, "Thank you. I'll make it up to you, I promise."
"You don't have to."
"Why does this have to be so sad!? Where did this come from!?"
“Alright, a fresh new day of watching our friends do their things, let's provide some interesting commentary!”
“We've all taken the night off, so we're here with a fresh set of footage, should help prevent repetition.”
“Dawn of the second day. 48 hours remain.”
“Alright Twilight, you've now had enough time to consider the correct course of action?” After last night's discussion, Spike wanted to be sure Twilight was taken care of.
“Don't worry, Spike, I'm okay now. We get the students on our side, destroy Sunset Shimmer democratically, and I ask that boy to the dance, if we're going to be there anyway.”
“That's the Twilight I know. We've got a patented Sparkle Plan™, we can't fail now.” Spike was probably putting too much faith in her abilities, especially considering how this kind of planning had backfired before, but no harm in giving her some hope to hold onto.
Bristle walked back into the room. “I heard something about a plan, more specifically, that you've got one. What's our plan of attack?”
Spike filled him in. “Twilight's going to do a musical number to win over the kids, ask that guy to the dance, and show that Sunset Shimmer creep the real super power of teamwork!”
“Please tell me you didn't just reference that, Spike.”
“I didn't say anything about a musical number.”
“How else do we ever do anything?”
“I'm more concerned that he's becoming self-aware, and genre savvy. That sort of knowledge is dangerous, trust me, I know. It requires a lot of concentration to keep that power in check.”
“Should we kill him?”
“I'll look into it.”
“Well, if Spike's claim about a musical number is true, how do you plan to write, record, and sing a song in less than 12 hours?”
“Those sorts of things always work out without any kind of work. The important thing is that high school students love spontaneous musical numbers, especially in a cafeteria. We just sing during lunch, and suddenly, we're winning the race!”
“Stick to the status quo?”
“If I ever hear you reference that movie again, you will not be able to begin to imagine the agony you will feel. I'm so happy I was trapped in stone while that was popular.”
Bristle patted Twilight on the back. “Well then, we should get today going. Wait...I don't get to do any killing today?”
“No! You're not doing any killing! We're going to arrest her and bring her back to Celestia for justice!”
Bristle growled. “Why am I still here?” Nevertheless, he walked towards some classroom with her, just to maintain cover. However, their walk seemed a bit strange. Suddenly, everyone they passed was paying close attention to them. They were pointing, staring, and giggling, leaving the group of protagonists confused.
“Did it just refer to them as protagonists?”
“That was me, I think. Maybe. I have a hard time keeping track of the chaos I cause sometimes.”
“It had to have been you. Who else has the power to warp reality and break the fourth wall like that?”
“Oh, there's lots of us. We have meetings every week, and we're discussing switching places every once in a while. I really want to narrate over this 'Space Dandy' character one of them talks about.”
Once they were completely confused by their attention, Twilight felt a hand reach out of the room she was standing in front of, and pull her in. Bristle didn't question it and stepped into the room of his own accord.
Inside the room, he found Twilight being forcibly sat down by Rarity. “Don't worry darling, we can help you! I've got a wig and some makeup for you, we can keep you hidden!” She began working her magic on Twilight, who was resisting. Bristle just accepted it, and noticed that they had guests. Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy, who looked away when she made eye contact with him. “So...what's going on here? Is this considered kinky? Can I fap to this?”
“You can fap to anything if you put your mind to it, Bristle.”
“That's inspirational.”
Rarity turned her attention away from Twilight to address the question. “It is nothing so crude and disgusting. Haven't you seen the latest talk of the school?”
Fluttershy gasped. “Maybe...maybe they don't know?”
The four other native high-schoolers looked at each other, none of them having considered that incredibly obvious option. Wordlessly, Rarity pulled a phone out of her purse, and began tapping the screen. Once she had reached the app she wanted to, she held it out so Twilight and Bristle could watch the video playing out on the screen.
The video was not professional, but it was prepared. It was like a shitty political ad, with a narration unmistakeably Sunset Shimmer's. The video contained pictures and footage of Twilight, doing pony things in a human body. It wasn't very flattering. She was moving her legs in her original attempts to walk, picking up books with her mouth, and even the occasional walking on all fours. Meanwhile, Sunset was talking about someone like that shouldn't be their princess. Twilight was trying not to watch out of embarrassment for herself. Spike would have been ashamed of her too, but he had since jumped out of her bag again to be cuddled more by Fluttershy.
Meanwhile, Bristle was standing next to Twilight and smiling at the video, laughing quietly under his breath. Until the end, where it showed a clip of him, acting normal. Sunset decided to be a dick to him too, and basically call him gay for running to be princess. Now Bristle was pissed. “Alright, she's gone too far now! Bitch is gonna pay! Also, what does this mean for us?”
Rainbow stepped out of her chair to answer the question. “She's slandering you! This is exactly what we were all warning you about, and you decided not to forfeit! Now you're paying the price, and she's hitting you hard. There's no way in hell anyone would dare vote for you now.”
Bristle held up a finger to stop her talking. “Hold on a minute, all of you are here together. Did one of you just hunt down everyone we made extended contact with yesterday to hold this discussion, or is there something else going on here?”
Pinkie seemed confused. “What do you mean? We're all friends, we've been friends since freshman year. When I saw this video pop up on Facebook, I sent them all messages about what we should be doing here.”
There was a pause, an uncomfortable silence in the room, until Bristle rolled his hand to cue her further. “And...what conclusion did you come to?”
Applejack made one step forward, determined. “We're gonna help ya'll. Ya got good hearts, and some serious spirit. It's time that Sunset Shimmer got what she deserves!”
“Assemble the party! Stock up on supplies! Buy 10 more Pokeballs, just to be safe!”
“Thanks for the tip, it won't help my Braixen doing killing blows when I don't want it to.”
Pinkie looked around. “Did you girls just hear something?” When no one acknowledged the phantom voice that she heard, she shrugged it off and went back to the conversation in the room. “Well, I don't want to be a meanie-pants to someone who doesn't deserve it, but Sunset deserves it now. She's been a jerk to everyone for too long.”
Rarity turned to Twilight, sitting in her chair, quietly. “Twilght, darling, you haven't said anything since we pulled you in. Is something wrong?”
Twilight wasn't sure how she was supposed to feel. Well, that wasn't entirely true, she certainly felt angry at Sunset Shimmer for stooping this low But it wasn't the type of anger that she wasn't supposed to be feeling, she instead felt betrayed.
“I'll summarize what's happening here. Twilight disillusioned herself into thinking Sunset Shimmer cared about her, based on their experience together. She stupidly decided Sunset would be soft on her, because she's an idiot. Real world, Twilight, not those shitty romance clop books you read.”
“I-I'll be fine. I'm just...not sure how I'm supposed to deal with something like this.”
Applejack patted her on the shoulder. “I'll tell ya what we should do: kick her sorry ass until she regrets what she's done!”
The rest of the room was not so enthused about that plan, Fluttershy was quietly advocating against it, but Bristle threw his arms into the air. “Finally, someone who gets it. We wait for the perfect moment to strike, right when it'll hurt her the most, and we put her in a headlock and make her feel PAIN!”
“Are you sure he's a hero of this story?”
“He's morally ambiguous at best. Chaotic Neutral, I'd say. Like me.”
“Pfft! You use D&D alignment charts?”
“They're handy for purposes like this! It's not like I play a Level 17 Paladin! And I've said too much.”
“Oh, so that's what you do with your buddies atop the fourth wall.”
Rainbow tried to come around to the idea. “So, when do you propose we fight back, when is this time where she'll really feel it?”
“Obviously, it'll be immediately after it's announced that she didn't win the title of Fall Formal Princess. She'll be crushed, then we just add insult to injury and let her know what we think of her shit.”
“Nope, I'm convinced, he's the villain.”
Twilight finally spoke up. “Don't count your chickens before they hatch...”
“...or before they egg...”
“...we still have to deal with the very likely possibility that we won't win the election. Remember, with this video out there, we're pretty much screwed already. And I'm not going to cheat.”
Bristle could swear he saw Rainbow Dash get disappointed out of the corner of his eye, but replied nonetheless. “We had a contingency plan for this, remember? One great public showing, one big song, big enough that we leave them on, but not so big that we blow our one, and they're wrapped around our finger!”
“Oh, so I can't use Ninja Sex Party lyrics, but he can use Nostalgia Critic and be fine?”
“And...how do you plan to come up with a song before tomorrow,” Rarity asked.
Bristle shrugged as Twilight explained. “Trust me, these sorts of things just always work out in the end, and I have no idea how. One of those mysteries of the universe. So...are we a team, then?”
The girls all looked at each other and nodded. Spike leapt away from Fluttershy to give her the chance to stand, as they all came together and put their hands into one pile to signify unity. Rainbow did the honors. “We're a team. All we need is one good team name.”
Bristle had a mental list for an occasion like this. “How about the Fighting Mongooses? Maverick Hunters? The IJLSA? Foxhound?”
“Not a bad list already. It could use a few additions, though. The Spinnakers?”
“That's racist, I'll have you know. My extensive research tells me that 'spinnaker' is an incredibly offensive slur. But they make good waffles.”
Twilight took the helm to provide her own name. “Alright, if you're done coming up with stupid team names...” She looked directly at Bristle.
“...I had more, but...you go ahead...,” he responded.
“...Then I'd like to suggest a far better name. The Equestria Girls.”
“That one's terrible. You should be ashamed of yourself, Twilight.”
Bristle sighed heavily. “You know what? Fine. I'll give you this. I just want you to know that it's only out of pity.”
Twilight rolled her eyes, but accepted the victory she could get. Everyone else decided to roll with it, and signaled to the outsiders to join their hand pile. Twilight and Bristle acknowledged their friendship, and professed their unison. They added their hands, and nodded all together. Twilight made their goal clear. “Now let's get that Fall Formal Princess Crown!”
Now that lunch was in progress, the cafeteria was cheering. The Equestria Girls had done their full musical number, and achieved their goal. Twilight was a popular candidate now.
“We didn't get to hear the song? What a gyp.”
“I don't know, maybe it's because WRITING CAN'T CONVEY MUSIC.”
Twilight walked out of the cafeteria to take a moment to breathe. Maybe things would start going her way...
“They won't, considering you're tempting fate too much by saying that.”
...and things were getting better. The boy she had her crush on walked out to find her. “Hey, Twilight, you did great in there! So...I had a question I want to ask you...”
“YES!” Twilight was too excited to wait to answer, even if she didn't know the question. For all she knew, she just agreed to something horrible. When he seemed confused, Twilight laughed nervously and backpedaled. “I...I assume you were asking about the Fall Formal, right?”
He slowly nodded. “Yeah, that's what I was asking about. So...I'll see you at 5 tomorrow, then? Oh, my name's Flash Sentry.”
Twilight laughed again, still nervous. “Oh wow, I didn't even realize that I didn't know your name, what kind of romance is this where the first date happens before I even know your name, is this some kind of fairy tale, hahahahaha...ha...ha...” She trailed off, and Flash just sort of went along with it.
Off in the distance, Sunset Shimmer was watching in the shadows. “Enjoy your temporary victory, Twilight Sparkle. You may think you're going to win, but I've got a few tricks up my sleeve, and you will know my wrath. Princess Celestia took everything that mattered from me, I'll make you know the same pain.”
“Cliffhangers...Hey Discord, you alright? You look a little off.”
“I didn't script that. I had no idea Sunset was planning something so sinister. Someone's messing with our story!”
“Is it some kind of psychic interference?”
“Do I have to do my Psychonaut thing again?”
“No...this is far more serious. Things could go horribly wrong if I don't find out what's happening. Reality, all universes, and all boundaries separating them could break apart.”
“Okay, now I'm starting to get really worried. I can't figure out what our problem is, and I think it's getting worse. Something is wrestling control of reality away from us, and I have no way of fixing it. In lesser hands, this could be incredibly dangerous. You probably don't understand this, but I work very hard to keep those abilities in check and make sure Equestria doesn't get completely destroyed by the chaos. I'm not nearly that cruel.”
“So...are we going to finish this story or is this more important?”
“Please, I am a professional. I'm not going to let a possible threat to all reality and existence keep me from making fun of two virgins in high school.”
“Are you sure? That sounds like a perfect reason to take a break. Should I get my friends together to do something?”
“That's not really going to be possible, considering Twilight is in another dimension. Unless you've got a plan that doesn't involve the Elements of Harmony.”
“Did...did you plan this? Did you put her in another dimension just so there wouldn't be a power to stop you?”
“You jump to conclusions, Lyra. I've got no desire to conquer Equestria anymore, and I thought we established this wasn't my power doing this. I just don't know how to fix it, so it's for the best we don't concern ourselves. Let's get back to the story we're following.”
“Uh...okay. Sure.”
“Do you really think so? I think stopping the threat is clearly our highest priority here.”
“NOT LISTENING TO YOU! LALALALA!”
“Explain to me why we're in a bakery, when we could be doing more important things to prepare?” Bristle was not pleased that their group was sitting in Sugarcube Corner.
Twilight questioned him. “What sort of 'more important things' would you suggest?”
“We're going to be fighting later today, I would suggest picking up some weapons. We could be a badass party! I could wield a katana, one of you could use dual pistols, there'd be a martial artist expert, and we'll need a dedicated healer, I nominate Fluttershy.”
Fluttershy looked like she might have been considering the offer when Rainbow interjected. “I thought our plan was to just win support and humiliate Sunset Shimmer, I don't remember anything about fighting, and I'm 100% certain 'murder' is not necessary.”
Bristle took a sip of his drink. “I like to be prepared. Besides, give me one good reason I shouldn't just walk around with a katana in a sheath on my back at all times.”
Rarity took the duty of responding to that one. “It could have something with that being illegal.”
“Yes, but it's badass. Besides, I have to settle with a sword, because Beam Katanas don't actually exist. It's like a lightsaber, but enemies still bleed when they're bisected. A much more visceral experience.”
Now Fluttershy was scared, slowly sinking under the table. The rest of their friends were looking at Bristle like he was insane, and he didn't say anything to dispel their fears. He just took a long, slow sip from his juice.
“Give him credit, he's got a good head on his shoulders. A bloodthirsty one, but a good one nonetheless.”
“Okay, fine, I get it. No weapons. Then you guys better be prepared to punch her out if it comes to that. I hope you've got some muscles.”
Twilight reached down next to her chair, at which point her eyes widened and she began frantically patting the floor beneath her. “I...I forgot my bag at the school.”
Bristle stopped drinking to blankly glare at her. “This is the same bag that has Spike in it? You left a bag with your fucking dog in it. I hope you realize what a horrible caretaker you are.”
“Hey, there's a lot of things happening right now! He just...slipped my mind. It's not like he's been making an effort to make himself known!”
Bristle slowly breathed in to express his disbelief in the situation as Fluttershy attempted to reason with Twilight. “But, he's a living animal, a poor defenseless dog, you can't just 'forget' him.” She honestly couldn't comprehend it. Twilight didn't feel like arguing, so she simply ignored her and left.
“Are we supposed to like any of these protagonists? I really don't want to hate any of them, but Spike's not contributing to the plot, Bristle is completely psychotic, and Twilight clearly doesn't care about Spike one bit.”
“I believe that last point is called 'consistency'. I don't think I've ever seen Twilight treat Spike properly in Ponyville. He's a fucking baby dragon! With hands!”
“He doesn't mind. He sees her like a mother, and she cares for him the same way.”
“Yet last time, he was the one comforting her. Brilliant mother-son relationship.”
“Nice of you to finally remember me here. It was getting lonely here.”
“I'm very sorry, Spike. I got caught up in the action, and you didn't do anything to make yourself known. Now, would you care to explain why I found you in the middle of peeing on the floor?”
“I've been stuck without any kind of bathroom for the entire day, I had to go badly, and I didn't know when you were going to come back. Besides, being a dog, I've got the freedom to do these kinds of things now.”
“No, the only reason dogs aren't to blame for things like that are because normal dogs don't have the capacity to consider the consequences of their actions. You don't have that luxury.”
“Well, it's still your fault for leaving me here. I would have left and come after you, but...I can't open doors anymore. It sucks not having hands.”
“Oh no, what a nightmare.”
“I'm really sorry about leaving you behind, Spike. You know how big of a culture shock this is for both of us, so you accidentally slipped my mind. I feel so bad about that, you know you mean a lot to me, this was just an incredibly unfortunate circumstance.”
“Oh, cut it out with the sappy shit.”
Twilight and Spike turned to the source of the sound, which was Sunset Shimmer leaning in the doorframe. “And what do you think makes you're so special, Twilight Sparkle?”
Twilight clutched Spike close to her chest, where he pressed up against her boobs. He felt a little weird about being so intimately close with someone who was basically his mom, but he would take what he could get. “What do you mean, 'why do I think I'm special'?”
Sunset slammed her fist against the frame. “You know what I mean! You get to be Celestia's prized pupil! You get to be the Element of Magic! Everything good happens to you, but what do I get? Banishment! Hatred! Being stricken from history! I'm just as good as you, so where's my reward?”
Twilight stammered at the outburst. “C-Celestia told me you had done s-some horrible things to warrant your exile...”
“I had ambition! I had ideas! Exploration requires stepping outside boundaries, but apparently I went too far!”
Spike showed more courage than Twilight by breaking free from her grip and directly confronting Sunset from a safe distance. “I know Celestia. The only other time she's exiled anypony was Nightmare Moon. She wouldn't do something so drastic unless it was absolutely necessary!”
Sunset sarcastically chuckled. “Oh yes, that's what the records say. You think Celestia wants you to know about her failings, that she would leave those visible? She's banished ponies plenty of times before, and then removed them from memory. I went exploring into that a little too much for her liking, and that's why I'm here. You know those stone statues in her garden, where Discord was kept? Do you think he was the only living one turned into stone?”
“Oh, those assholes? Yeah, I got to talk to those statues. They're dicks.”
“Wait, you're confirming that they're living?”
“Yeah, but they deserve their prison. You know that really cute one, the smiling mare? Genocidal maniac.”
Twilight didn't know how to react. She didn't want to believe that her mentor, her second mother, would ever do something like that. But...there was something about how Sunset was presenting it that made her question her teachings. Could it be true? Was Celestia guilty of something this evil?
Sunset walked closer, ignoring Spike's growls. She gently ran her fingers across Twilight's chin, pulling her head up to make eye contact. Sunset grinned. “And now, it all comes down to this. Tonight, I get my revenge, on you, Celestia, and all of Equestria. Do you know what an Element of Harmony is capable of? All I need to do is get that crown, and I don't care how. I'm prepared to kill for this opportunity.”
Sunset turned back the way she came, looking back when she reached the door. “Good luck tonight, Princess Twilight Sparkle. May the best mare win.”
“...and that's why we could also beat Sunset through a children's card game.”
Everyone else at the table was bored by Bristle's suggestions when Twilight came back. Applejack took the opportunity to end the current conversation. “Oh good, you're back, Twi. Ya got your dog?”
Twilight ignored the question, instead quietly sitting back down in her seat. She was in a haze, as if all of her senses were turned off. Rainbow wasn’t letting that stop her from getting a response. “Twilight, answer! What’s wrong with you? You’ve got the face of someone who’s seen some shit.”
Twilight moved back into reality, but only barely. “I…I’m sorry to say this, but I think we should be listening to Bristle’s ideas.”
Every one of them, including Bristle, was completely taken aback by her agreeing with his plans. “WHAT?”
“I met Sunset Shimmer again while I was at the school. She outright said that she’s willing to kill for that crown. If we’re going to stop her, we have to be prepared for what she’s going to throw at us.”
Fluttershy was not on board with this line of planning. “But…but killing? That’s just too wrong. Why is she even willing to go so far? It’s just a title and a cheap crown!”
Twilight was suspiciously silent to that question, not willing to out herself as an Equestrian Princess. All of her progress in gaining trust would be instantly lost if she claimed that was the case. Thankfully for her, Bristle derailed the conversation. “I know that having a motive is very important in murder proceedings, but that’s why we’re not the ace attorneys. For tonight, we’re just ordinary bounty hunters. And any good bounty hunter’s gonna need an arsenal. So, where can we get weapons at this hour in such short notice?”
The five girls looked at each other, none of them sure how to respond to a question like that, while Twilight remained out of the reality around her. Finally, Rainbow decided to bring Bristle back to the reality around all of them. “There’s no way we could possibly get any kind of lethal weapon by tonight, at least not legally. But how much is the law mattering, anyway? We’re only going to murder someone for a high school title.”
Bristle looked at Rainbow like she was insane. “Of course we don’t want to break the law! At least, not before tonight. Can’t risk getting arrested, and letting Sunset win by technicality. No, we’ll just have to improvise. Do any of you have anything long and sharp?”
Rarity joined the conversation, though not with an answer. “I’m siding with Fluttershy’s concerns. I know Sunset is a heartless girl, but there’s no way some crown is worth a life to her. There has to be something important about this, and it coincides with the arrival of you two. Which also reminds me, we know almost nothing about you or where you came from. Something about this seems highly off.”
Twilight wasn’t going to take keeping her intentions a secret any longer, if it was going to cost her a plan. Either way, telling or keeping secrets, she was going to lose her respect. “Alright, I’ll tell you everything, but we need to be somewhere more private. I get the feeling once all’s said, we’ll be stuck working alone.” Twilight preemptively hung her head in shame.
Pinkie Pie did what she did best, by cheering Twilight up. “Don’t worry, Twilight, you know I’d never abandon you! We’ll go get our dresses, and you can tell Mama Pinkie all about it there!”
Everyone complacently agreed, except for Bristle, who fist pumped and silently celebrated, “yes, trying on dresses!”
“Ah, so he’s a transvestite. That would explain his interest in being a princess earlier.”
“Fuck you, Discord, he’s just a man without conformity to gender roles! He doesn’t abide by societal standards about what a man is supposed to be, and he’s not afraid to make his point known! He’s an inspiration to us all, and a true testament of bravery! I wish that I could have had his strength when I told my parents about my interests…”
“This is getting a little too real. Back to the fun stuff, please!”
“…and then she yells, ‘WELL, WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH THE FINGERS?’”
“Shut your damn trap.”
The team was in the dress shop, where Rarity was excitedly picking out clothes for her friends that would match and accentuate their looks and personalities. Everyone else was trying to coax Twilight into revealing all.
“So, here’s what I need to tell you. I’m not asking you to believe me, in fact, I don’t expect you to. The best I can ask is that you keep this confession a secret, at least for tonight. I don’t care what you think, we’re still going to finish our job.”
Applejack patted Twilight’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, sugarcube. We won’t tell anyone. So, why is Sunset Shimmer such a problem?”
Twilight breathed in, ready to speak, and Pinkie interrupted before she could even say anything. “Ooh, let me guess! You’re actually a pony from another dimension, and a princess at that! Sunset Shimmer was the previous student of your princess mentor, until you replaced her! In an act of jealousy, she stole your crown and escaped here through a portal! And then mmpmpmhpm…”
Rainbow stopped her rambling by covering her mouth. “Pinkie, think before you talk. Do you have any idea what you’re saying? It’s GAH! Did you just lick my hand?” She pulled her hand back and looked at it, while Pinkie licked her lips.
Twilight scratched the back of her neck. “How did you come up with that?” Her lies were pretty see-through.
Pinkie beamed. “You’re not the only one with psychic powers, you know!”
Bristle raised his hand. “And what would you guess about me?”
“Well…you’re a omnipresent being who can manipulate anyone by his whim, and was sentenced to this reality for angering a different deity.”
“I didn’t know I was so good at guessing games!”
Bristle stroked his chin in thought, and then shrugged. “Eh, you’re close enough. There’s a few details you’re missing, but it’s basically correct.”
The other four girls not involved all questioned what the hell he was talking about, and even Twilight had a few questions. When Bristle said nothing to change his statement, they had no choice but to begrudgingly accept it, even if they weren’t ready to believe it. At that point, they turned their attention back to Twilight, where Rarity asked the question they were all asking. “And, was Pinkie’s guess about you correct?”
Twilight now rubbed her upper arm. “Y-yeah, she got it. Back in my home, Equestria, I had 5 friends, and they were pony versions of you girls.” She continued to explain about the adventures of the Elements of Harmony, what the Elements were, and the timeline of events that led to Sunset’s theft of the crown.
Once the story had finished, everyone was shocked. Should they believe such a ridiculous story? After all, she hadn’t done anything yet to lead them to believe she would be lying. Was that all part of her master plan? Applejack wasn’t convinced. “I’m sorry, Twi, you’re a nice gal and all, but that story’s kinda hard to believe. Unless you’ve got some sort of proof, that is.”
Twilight racked her brain trying to think of some kind of evidence that would be impossible to fake. Thankfully, Spike came to the rescue. “Well, how does the fact that she has a talking dog sound?”
“Oh, yeah. I can’t blame Twilight for her actions earlier, Spike has so little impact on the story that I forget he’s here all the time.”
“He’s a useless character, that’s for sure.”
Spike’s speech shut everyone up. After all, talking dogs are not a usual sight. And as to be expected, Fluttershy was speechless in an excited way. “A…a…a talking dog?!” She wasted no time getting down on her knees to reach his level, with the added benefit of making looking up her skirt impossibly easy. And she was facing away from Bristle, who slowly and happily nodded at his fortune.
Of course, Fluttershy didn’t notice the perversion, being far too busy talking to Spike. “So what kind of things do dogs talk about? Is it just about chasing things and eating, or do they talk about things more complex?”
“Well…I wouldn’t really know. Back in Equestria, I was a fearsome dragon. Spike Spiegel Sparkle’s my full name.”
Twilight groaned. “No, Spike, that’s not your middle name. I never gave you that name.”
“But it’s a cool name. It invokes a serious sense of awesomeness.”
“No, you’re only a little baby dragon. You had a nightmare a few days ago and snuggled close to me in my bed.”
“No! Stop talking about that!” Everyone laughed while Fluttershy found it adorable and hugged him tight. “Okay, fine, maybe I’m not feared. But isn’t something out of the ordinary? Isn’t this enough proof that we were telling the truth?”
Pinkie Pie happily and heavily nodded. “Yep, you’re in the clear! So, what’s our plan now? Ooh, doesn’t this dress look great?” She held up a dress, which admittedly did fit her style and would look good on her. So, showing all the modesty one would expect, Pinkie stripped down right in front of everyone to try it on.
Bristle leaned back to get the widest view of the scene. He muttered under his breath, “She’s wearing underwear today, at least. This is why I like dress shopping.”
“Oh. Oh, that makes a lot more sense. Peeping on half-naked girls. Okay, that’s completely understandable.”
“So I just poured my heart out for nothing. Great.”
“Wow, I look good half-naked.”
“Pinkie, you’re always fully naked. This is a step down from what you’re used to.”
“Not necessarily. Remember, tits. They make one very important difference. Except hers aren’t really all that big.”
“You’re a fucking weirdo, Lyra.”
“Yeah, Bon Bon says the same thing.”
Night had fallen, and students were parading into the school again for the Fall Formal. Everyone was dressed very fancy, girls in frilly dresses and men in dark tuxedos. An air of class filled the surrounding area as the teens were ready for a night away from work and just have fun on a night they'd never forget.
“Oh, foreshadowing. Professional.”
Rolling up to the party by walking up was the Equestria Girls, each of the girls wearing a dress that looked very natural on them through colors and accessories, which Twilight noted looked similar to their Equestrian counterpart's Gala dresses. Meanwhile. Bristle had a dark gray coat, white button-up shirt, and an 8-bit tie. Spike just had a bow tie.
Even though they had a solid understanding of what sort of fight they might have to deal with, they were all still woefully unprepared. The best they could manage was a few knives, given to Bristle, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack, who provided them in the first place. The weapons were concealed within their attire, ready to be drawn at a moment's notice.
Of course, they were all hoping they could get the crown and out with having to fight or kill Sunset. Their friends might have believed them, but it wouldn't be feasible to justify their actions to an entire school. But they knew it was inevitable, with how determined Sunset was to get that crown.
As they made their way up the main stairs, a car horn blared behind them, belonging to Flash Sentry. Twilight was excited to see him, but Bristle still had his doubts, strengthened by Flash's car. It was a black sports car, with his emblem emblazoned on the hood. Bristle leant in close to Twilight and whispered, “Do you still not believe my claims that this dude is a total douchebag?”
“I'm siding with him. Having your personal symbol forever displayed on your sports car is one of the most assholish things you could do.”
Twilight chose to ignore his comment, moving back down to greet her date. Everyone else just continued their way into the gymnasium to join the party. And sure enough, it was a party. Flashing colored lights, a DJ, and high schoolers dancing whatever dances high schoolers dance. Bristle patted Pinkie on the shoulder. “You done good, Pinkie.”
In the mood to make the most out of the night, Bristle got to thinking. Was there something he should do in a situation like this? The answer came to him, in the form of a shy girl who arrived with them. He gently grabbed Fluttershy's hand. “Would you care for a dance, Fluttershy?”
She didn't know how she could go about answering the question, but she knew her basic answer. She nodded and walked with him to the dance floor.
The night was going about smoothly. Or, as smoothly as it could go when Bristle knew nothing about dancing, in an endearing sort of way. He saw Sunset, lurking in the darkened sidelines, planning something, but she hadn't acted yet.
Hours had passed, and the moment they were unfortunately anticipating had arrived. Principal Celestia had taken the stage as the music faded. “Thank you for coming to the Fall Formal, everyone. The night has been fun, and it's now time to announce the votes for Fall Formal Princess!” She pulled an index card out of her pocket. “Normally, this isn't something that should have to be said, but my sister felt it deserved mention. One ballot was an unofficial write-in for Pat Buchanan. We're not sure why it happened, but that vote will not be counted.”
The hall was quiet, which made Bristle loudly screaming “Shit! My vote was wasted!” all the more noticeable. And more funny.
Celestia cleared her throat. “Now then, also unusual but worth mentioning, Flame Bristle, one of the actual choices, has amassed zero votes.”
Fluttershy turned to Bristle. “You didn't vote for yourself?”
“No, that's cheating. I wanted to play fair. By voting for someone completely unrelated. It might have made more sense at the time.”
“No need to explain yourself, it's a completely understandable pick.”
Celestia kept speaking. “With that, we're left with the two contestants who actually stood a chance. It was a struggle between reigning champion Sunset Shimmer, and newcomer Twilight Sparkle. Things were heated, but the students have chosen. This year's Fall Formal Princess is...”
Before she could finish, Sunset smacked the microphone out of her hands and took the stage. “Thank you for the introduction, Principal, but it doesn't matter who wins. Either way, I'm taking that crown.”
Twilight emerged in the front of the crowd to confront her. “You've been used to getting your way since you arrived here, but things will be a little different this time. We're prepared to fight for that crown!”
Anyone not involved with the plan was very confused, but Sunset laughed. “I knew you would still have fighting spirit, Twilight Sparkle. That's why I made sure I had an ace up my sleeve.” She reached into her bag, and pulled out Spike, bound and gagged.
“Moral of the story's a real good one. It's 'don't be unlucky and be a dog'. That's a good one.”
Twilight was now pissed at the thought of Sunset hurting her friend. “What are you going to do with him?”
Fluttershy backed her up. “What kind of a monster would do something to a poor, innocent dog?”
Sunset reached into her jacket and pulled out a knife, nearly identical to the ones the other group was carrying. She held it up against Spike's throat. “Leave, Twilight Sparkle. Let me have this crown and this world, and your pet will leave with you. If you try to fight, well...it's only a quick slice to end it all.”
“HOLY SHIT, WHAT HAPPENED HERE?!”
“That's going way too far!”
“I didn't know this was going to happen! That's insane and wrong! I would never allow it! She's got to be the source of the psychic interference! All so she could get away with this!”
Twilight didn't hesitate in giving up the fight. Sunset grinned, but that faded when she looked into the crowd. “You made the smart decision, Sparkle, but your friends do not seem so kind. They've still got fight in their eyes. That's something that has to be changed.”
True to Sunset's word, it only took one quick slice. Everything seemed to go dark for Twilight, lost in anguish. Her friends were falling into the same abyss. Anyone else was horrified. Sunset effortlessly took the crown and placed it on her head, where it began to glow with power. No one stepped up to stop her with what she had done, and with the power she had now, no one ever would. Even the three commentators watching were speechless, losing focus. Everything was over.
…
…
…
“Come and have a go, if you think you're hard enough.”
With those words, a loud shatter echoed across reality. The veil of darkness was lifted, focus was returning. Now that everyone was no longer blind, they saw one sight; Flame Bristle, holding a shotgun with one hand, pointed at Sunset. He fired, a blast loud enough to deafen anyone close, but it didn't happen. They were protected against the sound. Unfortunately, Sunset used her new strength to make a shield, absorbing the shell.
In a quick second, Bristle changed. The shotgun he held and the clothes he wore were lost into the void, replaced by more fitting attire. He donned a blue tunic, a white band lifting the hair from his eyes, and a chain whip in his right hand. He now spoke in a powerful voice. “Sunset. Die now, and leave this world! You'll never belong here!”
Sunset Shimmer couldn't care what he was doing, she was drinking in the energy an Element of Magic could provide. “Oh, but this world invited me. Your own kind called me forth with praise and tribute.”
Bristle stepped forward one step. “Tribute? You're a thief! You steal men's souls, their freedom, and make them your slaves!”
She laughed, a dark tone and echo in her voice. “Freedom is always sacrificed to faith, as could be said of all religions. Or are you truly here by choice?”
Bristle knew he didn't choose to become a part of this mess, but he managed to keep going. “It was not my decision to be here, but one of fate. I was destined to set things right! Your words are as empty as your soul! Mankind ill needs a savior such as you!”
“What is a man, or a pony? They're not honorable, they're ruthless and traitors! They're nothing but miserable little piles of secrets and lies! But this little talk has gone on for too long already. Have at you!” She held her arms out from her sides and screamed, a golden aura surrounding her. It reached a climax, as she exploded with energy, her hair growing longer and a shining gold.
Bristle was ready for one hell of a fight. He whipped the air to taunt her.
“What the fuck is happening now?!”
“I'm putting a stop to it now! Time Stopper!”
Time froze for a second, before Bristle shattered the spell. “I'm not your slave anymore, Discord! I'm the author of this story, and it will end as I see fit!” He waved his arm, removing everyone else from the room, out of harm's way.
“He's become self-aware. He's realized his true power.”
“Which makes him the source of our problems. Things went badly, Discord?”
“Hell no! I sent him here just to get laid, but he instead gained omnipotence! I'm so proud of him.”
Sunset held her arms behind her, a blue ball of energy forming between them. “Your life is forfeit, Flame Bristle! Kamehameha!” The beam shot out, a long and deadly attack.
Bristle didn't react with fear. He threw his whip upwards, latching it onto the rafters and pulling him up, out of the way. Once the beam was gone, he dropped back to the floor, where he rose a foot into the air again and threw his arms out, screaming “Hydro Storm!” It called forth a torrential rain within the room, striking Sunset multiple times and sending her recoiling.
With an opening, Bristle jumped onto the stage and threw a bottle of Holy Water onto Sunset. The constant striking of the water kept her stunlocked, where he could continually whip her into submission, only interrupted by another Holy Water to keep her trapped.
With a combo like that, it didn't take long for Sunset Shimmer to fall. With one final strike, the whip forcefully removed the crown from her head, draining Sunset of her newfound powers. While she was recovering, Bristle grabbed Spike's body and levitated it into the air, sending a white flow of energy into the corpse, and the bloody slit on his neck healed. When he looked unharmed, he was gently placed on the floor, where he woke up at the same time Sunset did.
Now that things had gone well in the end, Bristle brought everyone back into the room, and they were all understandably very confused. But Twilight recovered, grabbing the now-alive Spike in her arms and holding him tight. Sunset stayed on the floor, crying. “I'm so sorry, Twilight! I was corrupted by anger, jealousy, and the promise of power!”
Bristle held his whip up end her begging, but Twilight stopped him. “You'll be returning to Equestria to face trial against Princess Celestia for your crimes, including theft, treason, and...attempted murder.”
Sunset nodded. “I understand, Princess Twilight Sparkle.” She stood up and held out her hand, allowing Twilight to grab it and lead her to the portal back.
Bristle picked up her crown and placed it back on Twilight's head. “A princess needs her crown, Twilight.” Twilight smiled and led Sunset to the statue in front of the school, where their friends followed.
Twilight stuck her hand against the stone, confirming the portal still worked. Once she was sure, she turned back to her friends. “Well girls, this is goodbye. You've all been a massive help, and I can't thank you enough for everything you did.”
Pinkie Pie was crying. “But...you'll come back to see us, right?”
Twilight's head lowered. “I'm sorry, but the portal doesn't stay open. I won't be able to come back.”
The girls all sobbed quietly, before Bristle happily put his arms around their shoulders. “Excuse me, did you forget what kind of man I am? I'm the author here, reality bends to my will! If I say that portal will open, it will open. Just give me the word.”
Twilight hugged him. “Thank you too. For everything.” She waved goodbye as the native Equestrians walked through the portal.
With them gone, things were suddenly going to go back to normal. Fluttershy turned to Bristle, who she realized was still here. “So...why didn't you go back with them?”
“I'm fairly certain I'm not an Equestrian. I don't really have a home to return to. So, I just need a reason why staying here would be a good idea.”
Fluttershy grinned and reached over to him, undoing the ties on his tunic. “Oh, I can think of a pretty good reason.”
“Well, that concludes that. This has been one wild ride, but unlike a certain Mr. Bones, this one ended. I'd like to thank my constant cohost and lovely marefriend, Pinkie Pie. And Lyra Heartstrings, for putting up with us through this.”
Just as he finished, the door into the room opened, and on the other side was a blue earth stallion, wearing a yellow scarf. Discord recognized him from an alternate adventure. “Yo, Blues! How you been doing? Life in Ponyville okay? Your brother doing fine after his victory against me?”
He was confused. “Um...my name is Noteworthy. I'm just here to pick up my cousin.”
Discord wasn't falling for it. “Yeah, right. If you're not Blues, why do you look exactly like him? You're even wearing the same scarf!”
“Of course I'm wearing a scarf! It's March! It's cold out there!”
“Alright, whatever. Have fun, Lyra. See you some other time?”
“Not if I have anything to say about it.” Lyra got up and left with her cousin.
That just left Discord and Pinkie. “So...what should we do now?”
“Have sex?”
“Yeah, that sounds good.”
Bristle and Fluttershy were together in bed, in the afterglow of some amazing screwing. Things were going just great for both of them, culminating in this. Of course, what else would you expect from the man who could do what he wanted?
“And welcome back to Hey You, Down There; the only show that heartily recommends you fuck the robot pirate fox!”
“Let me guess, this is something you have personal experience with.”
“You know it. A knotted penis is a wonderful thing, but I had to pay attention to him all the time or he'd start screaming. He also had some bad company as friends, and he smelled weird too. But damn, was that dick worth it!”
“I've barely been here for 10 minutes, and I'm already regretting not just this, but all of my life's decisions up to this point.”
“I was getting to you, shut up. The two of us, Pinkie and Discord (me), aren't enough to make a story interesting, so we brought in another guest. I would have expected you to recognize her voice if this wasn't a visual medium, so please welcome the DJ musician pony, Vinyl Scratch. She'll be borrowing Lyra's manner of speaking because we need to keep the budget down and reuse assets.”
“So does that technically make this arc a crossover with Scratch That?”
“Crossover with what? Am I 'from' something else?”
“Speaking of which, when's the next chapter of that coming out? I know it says it's On Hiatus at the time of this recording, but it's been months since the last update. Author?”
Sure enough, the human version of Bristle was sitting in his chair, a controller in his hand. “New Smash Bros, shut up. Also, Bayonetta. And Tomodachi Life. Basically, I've got my life for the next month or two settled.”
“Which, incidentally, means that he won't be taking part of this part of the story. Good, the self-insert wasn't needed at all. We're going back to the old style, starring just us. Back to basics, it's easier this way. We're lazy asses, what do you expect?”
“We're not even doing anything besides dialogue. Might as well be a script.”
“Why did you bring me in, then, and why do I need to be held here against my will?”
“Three's a bigger number than two, and that's good. Threesomes are better than just plain sex, that's common knowledge.”
“Wouldn't know, never had one. I only want one of my holes filled with cock at a time.”
“Doesn't mean you couldn't have a two-girl threesome. That's the hotter one anyway.”
“Now isn't the time to go into detail about my sex life.”
“Are you kidding?! There probably isn't a better time! Feel free to share as many of the intimate details that you can remember!”
“No, later. If you're here, then we don't need to wait any longer, it's time to go on vacation to the human world. Something important is going to happen at Canterlot High, and I think it's our time to take the spotlight in this story with my name in the title. Are you guys packed?”
“I've got a suitcase full of sex toys, and that's enough to get me through any situation I've come across.”
“Why do I have the sneaking suspicion that we're going to come back escaping from the local police?”
The front of Canterlot High was peaceful. That was to be expected, classes were in progress, everyone was busy. That's why no one noticed when the unicorn statue began pouring people from the base. Most of the school knew it was a portal to another dimension after Twilight and Bristle's adventures a few months ago, but who knows what someone passing by would think.
“Comfortable pavement, isn't it? Much better form of travel than a chariot, wouldn't you say?”
Vinyl looked over her new, wholly unfamiliar body. She was standing on two legs now, both sets of hooves replaced with completely different appendages with 5 protrusions. Not that she could see her feet, because she landed in the dimension fully clothed, with neon sneakers, a white jacket with skirt, and hot purple leggings. Her trademark goggles were already over her eyes, and large headphones around her neck.
She was paying more attention to her bodily changes, and right now it was the two decently large lumps on her chest. “Are...are these my tits? What are they doing all the way up here, and why are they so big?”
Admiring the new body his pink friend with benefits was rocking, Discord suddenly had a realization, something he should have thought of before making the travel plans. “Okay, nobody panic, but there seems to be a crucial detail that I overlooked. As you know, we have counterparts in this dimension. Have you ever wondered what would happen if you met them?”
“Ooh, ooh! We'd be best friends, because we have so much in common!”
“I'm lost again. What is this about alternate counterparts?”
“Well, that's not the case. If you lock eyes or touch each other, it'd be enough to tear open a rip in existence and implode all universes into a black hole ultraverse. So, um...don't do that.”
“Well, that sounds pretty limiting, not being allowed to interact with one of the main characters.” Pinkie considered her options, maybe a loophole to get around such a cosmic rule. And she may have had one. “You said I can't look at or touch the Pinkie here because we're the same? Well, what if I wasn't the same?”
“That'd be a little bit difficult, considering the identical genetic makeup and all. You are Pinkie Pie.”
“That's where you're wrong! I am no longer the same Pinkamena Diane Pie you once knew. For now, I am my original character, Blinkie Pie! It also happens to be my sister's name, but I'm sure I can make that work.”
“That's probably the worst idea I've heard. Do it, I'll be assed if it works.”
“Are you betting on whether all life as we know it is going to be exterminated? I mean, I've made some questionable bets in my time, but this unquestionably tops everything I've ever wagered on. I'll throw 5 bits on the pot, betting on this 'Blinkie' shit.”
“Don't think I don't see the shit you're trying to pull. I think it's time we do this hooperscotch! Through the front doors, my trusty bitches!”
Only an hour later, the trio were sitting back at the statue that housed the link between worlds. Blinkie broke the silence with what they were all thinking. “Well, this vacation sucks. Why did you think a high school was the ideal vacation spot?”
“It called to me. I thought something exciting was going to happen, something worthy of reviving this story for.”
“Listen, I already graduated high school. I didn't do it well, but I made it through once. I was free from education, you're not dragging me back.”
“Unfortunately, our itinerary dictates that we're staying for another week, so we need to find something to do for entertainment. We could go live in a nearby mall and do what we want, cause complete mayhem in the streets of the city, or fuck the people that live here...” Discord was interrupted by three girls walking past, with a certain purpose to their stride. He turned back to his companions. “Three girl group, three of us, I think we can make this work.”
“So we're going to spend our time off doing basically the same thing we already do, except with different girls? Sure, I'll go along with it.”
“I'm not a lesbian, but I have the feeling I don't have much of a say in the matter because you're the ones that know how to get back. I'll play along, I guess. We calling dibs, or what?”
“Blue one.” The three of them all looked at each other, and the conflict began.
“I'm the one that arranged this trip, I think it's only fair that I get the hottest one.”
“No, you guys don't have the sensitivity to handle a cute girl. N-not that I'm trying to take her, I-I'm just going to protect her from you assholes. Which would most likely involve protecting her asshole from you. This went in a very different direction, just start ignoring me.”
“Just looking at them, I feel like the others are better fits for you guys. I don't know which would be which, but I'm sure you could decide who gets that orange Hipz fo Hours there, and the Tsundere Tyrant purple one. We need better names.”
“Alright, making it official; orange one is 'Hipz', purple is 'Tsu-Tsu', and Miss Beautiful Blue can be 'Sexy'. How does that sound?”
“Terrible, but we'll survive. Maybe.”
“Okay then, next time on Discord's Guide, we'll perform our natural mating calls and score ourselves some sex partners in an attempt to stave off boredom. Maybe some evil plot will start, you never know when I get involved in things.”
