Twilight tries to survive the insanity that is Hearth's Warming Day.
Hearth's Warming Day.
This day, one of the most magical of days, is about family and love and togetherness and remembering the bonds of friendship.
It is also about demanding presents, showing up your family, freaking out over the tiniest detail and fighting the rush of a thousand other ponies that seem to want to do nothing more than ruin the holiday for everyone else.
This year, Twilight is getting to host her family's Hearth's Warming Day Dinner and she wants everything to be perfect. But as she sees what the holiday does to her friends and those around her, Twilight begins to lose the spirit of the season and wonders just what good is a holiday that seems to turn everypony into jealous, greedy monsters.
Join Twilight in this look at what modern life has done to the holiday season and how easy it is to reclaim the magic back.
This story is set in the Scootaverse (Which includes The Many Secret Origins of Scootaloo and The God Squad). Neither of these stories are required reading but it will help.
Equestria was used to many strange and magical things; this was mainly due to the fact that it was situated on a rich deposit of magic buried deep in the bedrock of the planet. There were pegasi and unicorns and capricorns and griffons and dragons and whatever the hell Mrs. Cake slept with to produce her twins (because it sure wasn’t Mr. Cake that is for sure!). It had the gates of the underworld and alicorn goddesses and machines that could pick whole trees! Yes, it was quite a magical place and as a result many of those that knew of it became quite jaded when it came to magic.
But there was one thing that didn’t exist in that magical word: annoying talking snowmen with mustaches that played the banjo. They didn’t exist mostly because the Creator wasn’t that cruel and would never create such a monster.
Which is why it was weird when one suddenly stepped out of the Everfree and began to break the fourth wall like he was the love child of Pinkie Pie and Deadpool.
“If I live to be 100 I‘ll never be able to forget the year Twilight Sparkle went insane.” The snowman paused, his unblinking, unseeing eyes (because they were made of coal and not living cells designed for seeing) staring at his audience before he reached out a hand to brush some snow from a tree (which was a bit disgusting… it would be like you finger-painting with blood). “Believe it or not the world almost came to an end that year and NOT because of some Mayan prophecy.”
The audience, expecting a story that dealt with ponies and not some fat snowman, merely stared at him and wondered if this was some kind of cruel joke.
The snowman, getting the wrong idea from the utter silence, took off his hat and bowed. “Oh, I’m sorry… call me Sam.”
Clearly this was a strange creature, as his name was a name and not a series or random nouns strung together that JUST happened to describe his special talent (either ponies were psyche, lucky as heck, or cutie marks were Iron Will’s excrement).
“What’s the matter… haven’t you ever seen a talking snowman before?” Sam asked, wiggling his fat bottom against the ground. Not waiting for the answer, he began to happily shuffle along the snowy forest floor like Jabba the Hutt in those Star Wars films where Greedo shot first. “Lovely place, this…uh… place. I call it Wigglesberg… I know the ponies that live here call it Equestria but I like Wigglesberg better.”
The audience was now desperately praying that the author’s OC, Tydal, would show up and brutally murder Sam (unfortunately for the audience, at that moment Tydal was at his Keep having sex with his wife, so he wouldn’t be available to save them for at least another 4 chapters).
“Ah, I love this Hearth’s Warmingly time of year…” Sam said, not realizing that the audience was praying for his slow, painful death (serious, Sam is so annoying… him and that mailman that talks about Santa Claus can burn in hell!), “especially when everything is running happy and smooth like it is this season. Nothing like that year when Twilight Sparkle embraced her heritage and became Nightmare Moon Jr. I don’t know what we would have done if we hadn’t had…” Sam blinked. “Wait… could it be that some of you don’t know this story?”
Of course they didn’t… the chapter had just been posted a few minutes ago… god, Sam is a moron. Of course, what do you expect when your brain is made of yellow snow?
“Well, pull up an ice block and I will tell you the tale! It all started in a little town called Ponyville…”
~MC~MC~MC~
“Winter had come and within the next few months fall would arrive because, apparently, the seasons run backwards in Equestria. But their reversed ecosystem wasn’t on the mind of a particular unicorn pony who was, at that very moment, focused solely on the magic that is Hearth’s Warming Eve.”
“No no no no no no no no no no no no!” Twilight exclaimed, running around the library like a crazy pony (which was different from how she normally ran about; then she was acting like a nutty pony). Behind her, caught in the glow of her magic, was a maelstrom of books, scrolls, letters, and quills. "This isn't good! This isn't good at all!" The cloud of research equipment only grew bigger with each passing moment, the magical aura absorbing anything that got in its way. "What I am going to do? What am I going to do?"
Above the panicking unicorn, Owliscious and Peewee watched, their eyes bouncing back and forth like ping pong balls as they attempted to track the lavender pony's movements.
/Wat we gonna do, Owlie?/ the baby phoenix chirped.
Owliscious frowned. /Well, we could fly down there and attempt to help my power master and thus get sucked into the chaos that is Twilight Sparkle's life.../
Peewee grimaced. /Nuh-uh! No wanna do dat!/
/Neither do I, little one. That is why I suggest we ignore the path of valor and go the path of passing the buck./
The baby phoenix considered this before nodding happily. /You wan' me to get daddy?/
/Yes, I believe that would be the wisest idea./
/Okey dokey!/ Peewee flapped over to the basket his daddy was sleeping in and, after considering his options, pecked the dragon on the head. /Wake up wake up wake up wake up-/
Spike jolted away. "Ididn'tcomeinyaRarityIswear," he slurred. Shaking his head and trying to get the naughty images out of his head, the baby dragon looked up at the happy face of his pet bird, who was chirping and dancing along the baby dragon's skull. "Peewee, what is-"
"Why why why why why!?!" Twilight screamed, the sound of her head slamming into a table echoing up to were Spike lay.
"She's lost it, hasn't see?"
Peewee nodded his head.
"That's what, three days?" The baby dragon trotted over to his day calendar and double checked his notes. "Yup three days. Great, just great." Peewee chirped, hopping off of Spike's shoulder as the baby dragon stomped out of the bedroom and down the stairs.
Things had only gotten worse in the main part of the library. Now an entire shelf was following Twilight, her magic reorganizing it so that all the books and scrolls were in alphabetical order.
"Where did I leave that-"
"Twilight!" Spike shouted. The loud exclamation startled the unicorn and she dropped the shelf with a bang, causing all the books and scrolls to rain down on them like one of the plagues of old (one of the lesser ones that they tend not to talk about). "Twilight... calm down."
"I'm calm... I'm calm..." Twilight said, sounding anything but. "I mean, I am only utterly doomed so who is to worry... just doomed... doomed... DOOOOOOOOMMMMMMEEEEEEDDDDD!"
Spike rubbed his temples. "You couldn't have waited another 3 days to freak out again?" he muttered to himself. "Now I lost the betting pool and owe Rainbow Dash 3 bits."
"Owe what now?" Twilight said.
"Nothing!" Spike said with a smile. "I said nothing!"
"Are you-"
"NOTHING!" Spike shouted. He took a deep breath before reaching up and grabbing Twilight's head. "Now... do you remember that relaxation technique the princess taught you?"
"O-of course!" Twilight said quickly. "I just haven't... well..."
"Why don't we try it right now, ok?"
Twilight hung her head. "Fine." She closed her eyes and intoned, "Celestia, grant me the strength to accept those problems I cannot solve, the willpower to fix those I can, and a liquor cabinet full of booze when I begin freaking out like a crazy mare."
"You know, things in Equestria make a lot more sense now that we know Princess Celestia is a lush."
"Yeah," Twilight said with a weak smile. "Thanks Spike... I feel better now."
"Good... now why don't you lie down and tell me exactly what had you in a panic. Did somepony try to resurrect Nightmare Moon and end up creating a black filly by mistake?"
"Uh, no," Twilight said lying down on the couch.
"Is Pinkie murdering ponies and turning them into cupcakes."
"No, and ew."
Spike grabbed a brush and began to comb his friend's hair. "Did you discover a book that turns you into an anthro whenever you become aroused?"
"...Spike, maybe you should be lying down... I think you are the one with problems."
The baby dragon waved her off. "Ok, so those are the worst things I can think of... so why don't you tell me what is wrong?"
Twilight sighed, her eyes half shut as she focused on the comb running through her mane. "I am just stressed about Hearth’s Warming Day."
"Why would you be stressed about that? Hearth’s Warming is great! There is food and presents and laughs..."
"... and planning and preparing and the stopping of near disasters!" Twilight whimpered. "It is like a hundred finals... but they've mutated into mutant zombie finals that hunt you down and want to feast on your happiness!"
"Why is it when I bring up zombies you laugh?"
Twilight ignored her friend. "There is just so much that needs to be done." The unicorn leapt away from her friend and, signaling the invisible music that always played whenever a pony wanted to express themselves in song (seriously, what is up with that?), Twilight began to sing.
Twilight
Give me snow Light up the trees! Deck every hall And wall you can see!
Roast every nut mistle the toe This needs to be the best Hearth’s Warming Since the original!
20,000 years from now they’ll say: ‘The most successful Hearth’s Warming’ was TODAY!'
Spike blinked as Twilight finished. She'd somehow managed to end up on top of the bookcase she had been carrying around and she had the same look on her face that Pinkie had whenever she sang her 'Zecora Song'. "Uh... that was great and all, Twilight, but don't you think you are putting too much pressure on yourself? I mean, why does this Hearth’s Warming Day need to be so wonderful, anyway? Why can't it be super or special or awesome?"
"It needs to be all three, Spike! It needs to be Super special awesome!" Twilight flopped back onto the couch and groaned. "Spike, this is going to be my first Hearth’s Warming Day that I am hosting!"
Spike mentally cursed. He'd completely forgotten that little detail and mentally scolded himself for the lapse. Had he remembered he could have arranged for some business in Canterlot and avoided Twilight until the holiday was WELL over... like in 3 to 4 months. That would have been a safe distance.
Twilight sighed, taking out her photo album. "Every mare in my family has hosting a Hearth’s Warming Day celebration and each of them have been perfect." Twilight stared at a photo of a slightly plump lavender mare with white hair. "Like my Grandma Twilight Twinkle's parties..."
"Why do I hear a harp and why is everything getting fuzzy?" Spike complained.
~Many Years Ago~
"Oh, look at this little cutie!" Twilight Twinkle cooed, pitching Twilight Sparkle's cheek. The foal merely stared at her grandmother, wondering who this large pony was and what was the acceptable action for her to take ('is it polite to soil one’s self in front of this old mare?' baby Twilight thought). "Let me pinch those little cheeks! You have your mommy's cheeks!"
Twilight gurgled, scrunching up her nose as her grandmother did so.
"Mom, can I talk to you?" Twilight Velvet called out.
"Of course, my dear." Twinkle looked around before handing Twilight a dictionary that was lying around. "There you go, have fun with that!"
The foal giggled and began to tear out the pages.
~MC~MC~MC~
Spike looked around in a panic. "How was I able to see that?"
"See what?" Twilight said.
"Your memory... that made no sense... I wasn't even born! And yet I saw it clear as day... what is happening to my brain?!?"
Twilight ignored her assistant's panic attack. "And then there were the parties my mom threw..."
"Aaaa! There is that harp again!"
~Not as many years ago...~
"Shining, could you ask your father to get me the potato peeler?"
"Sure thing, mom!" the little colt said, trotting over to his father. Twilight tuned her family out, as she had more pressing matters... namely the new books she had gotten that morning for Hearth’s Warming Day. She giggled, flipping through the pages.
"Well, look has her nose stuck in a book again." Grandma Twinkle asked, walking over to Twilight. "What are you reading?"
"Algebwa!' Twilight said with a laugh. "See, da auth-or dinks that dis e-qua-tion is wight, but he fo'got to cawwt the thwee!"
Twinkle smiled, pinching her grandfoal's cheek. "You are such a smart one."
~MC~MC~MC~
"Oh Celestia, I think I'm having a stroke," Spike moaned.
Twilight, lost in her memories, paid him no heed. "And then, just last year, Shining had the Heaths Warming Day meal..."
"Please don't!" Spike cried as the harp began to play again. "I think blood is coming out of my ears... no, wait, that is raspberry jam... WHY IS THERE RASBERRY JAM IN MY EARS!?!"
~Last Year~
"Shiny, this is amazing!" Twilight said in delight, looking around the ballroom of Canterlot Castle. As Captain of the Royal Guard, Shining had been able to pull a few strings and get the ballroom for his family's annual Hearth’s Warming Party. "I mean...wow!"
"Aw, it's nothing," Shining said, rubbing the back of his neck.
"Twilight!" Grandma Twinkle said, trotting up and pinching her cheeks. "You are just getting so big!"
"You always say that!" Twilight said with a laugh. She reached for a cookie, only for Shining to taking it away and present her with a tin of her favorite treats. "BROWNIES!"
"Yes... well, we figured just this once," Shining said as Twilight sunk her teeth into one. The entire family grimaced as Twilight's face began to contort and twist like it always did when she ate a brownie.
~MC~MC~MC~
Spike slowly pulled himself from where he had fallen, a puddle of jam under his scaly head. "Are... are the flashbacks over?" he whimpered.
"What's that Spike? I wasn't paying attention.
The baby dragon rolled his eyes. "So you are all panicky because you are hosting a party?"
"It's not 'a party', Spike. It is Hearth’s Warming Day... the most important day for my family! It has to be perfect and that is why I am stressed out."
"Isn't the point of a holiday to not stress out?"
Twilight waved him off. "Now, I have a lot I need to do over the next few days! I need to go get some pots and pans from Applejack and check on the cake order I placed at Sugarcube... then I want to stop by and see if Rarity got my mom's gift done... and I can't forget to visit Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash! Oh, and then I-"
The door slammed behind Twilight as she left Spike behind, her mind already a whirl as she trotted away.
"Well... we're all going to die," Spike murmured. "Just like the llamas predicted."
“Yes, this was a very important holiday for Twilight Sparkle,” Sam said, shuffling about the snow-capped Everfree (and, due to his bulk, he was sweating up a storm… or melting… neither of which makes much sense). “It would be her first Hearth’s Warming Day where she herself got to host the big festive party. Her family had always planned these parties down to the last detail and every one she had gone to during her fillyhood had been filled with music and laughter and joy. She was not about to be the first to break tradition and thus she was focused on her goal.
“Luckily for Twilight, she had plenty of friends in Ponyville and she planned to seek out their advice in how she could pull off the best holiday ever!” Sam pulled out his banjo and gave it a few strums. “Now, I wrote a little song about Twilight’s journey to Applejack’s house… why don’t you sit down and have a listen?” Sam strummed his instrument (that’s what she said). “Well-“
And that’s when the anvil fell on him.
“SORRY!” Derpy called out, fluttering down and grabbing the gift-wrapped anvil (which Scootaloo’s mother Grace had ordered for her husband/Scoot’s father, Quick Cut). “You ok Mr. Snowman?”
“Never better!” Sam said dizzily, before collapsing in a heap.
~MC~MC~MC~
Twilight trotted along the lane that led to Sweetapple Acres, admiring the fresh powder that blanketed the fields.
"Ok, so I have my checklist of all the different pots and pans I need, categorized by color, size and number of handles. I also have my back up checklist in case I lose this one, my back up for my backup, and, of course, a checklist to keep track of my checklists!" Twilight pursed her lips in thought. "Huh... maybe I should have a backup for the checklist of checklists." She pulled out her notebook of good ideas (patent pending) and quickly jotted down that idea for further research and development (clearly there was a stick up Twilight’s butt and that stick had a checklist too).
Twilight smiled as she made her way over the hill and finally laid her eyes on the Apple Family's farmhouse. There was something about the old building that spoke to the little romantic side of the mare (and yes, she did have a romantic side, despite what Spike thought; just because she had once considered reproducing asexually didn't mean she wasn't looking for a nice stallion who thought sex was something you did once every 34 months or so). It was more than just the rustic charm that seemed to cling to each weather-worn board. There was something magical about the house that called out to her.
"It's because of who lives there," Twilight said to herself with a gentle smile, thinking of the family. "Applejack and her family have so much love for each other that it spills over and permeates the entire house."
Love, it would seem, was much like mold, in that it wormed its way into the walls and made them weak. That was the only explanation Twilight could find for why part of the upstairs’ wall suddenly burst apart.
Twilight let out a scream, tossing up a shield as a large red chair flew right at her. Bits of wood rained down on the unicorn and the snow became dirtied with splinters. She panted, looking around with wide eyes, only to see that the red chair wasn't a chair at all but Big Macintosh, curled up in the fetal position.
"By Celestia!" Twilight cried out, dropping her forcefield and hurrying over to him, checking the stallion out for injuries. "Are you ok?"
"Uuuuhhhh, mama... I don't wan' ta fed Granny oats while she's in the bathtub."
"...oooookkkk," Twilight said slowly, unsure how to respond to that strange statement. She shook the stallion, who was staring up at the sky with swirly eyes (which was a rare medical condition that affected colorful ponies and black ducks with speech impediments). "Come on... wakey wakey if your neck's not breaky."
After several moments the massive stallion was able to shake himself out of his stupor and he got up on his feet. Seeing that Twilight had been watching his brain addled ramblings, Big Mac flushed and his coat went so dark he looked like a bruised apple (Author's Note: I am so sorry for that horribly punny simile… they say that the only people that like puns go to Ivy League schools, hence the hold saying ‘using a pun, go to Yale’). He made a move to trot away but Twilight quickly moved to stand in front of him, blocking his path.
"Big Macintosh, what happened?"
"...nothin'," the stallion said softly.
Twilight pursed her lips and gave him the look all mares seemed to be skilled in; it was a look that made all stallions tremble and feel like foals. "Big Macintosh..."
"...AJ threw me."
Twilight's ears wiggled. "Can you repeat that, I think I had some crazy in my ear. Did you just say that Applejack THREW you?"
"Eeeyup," the farmer said.
"Applejack... the pony that loves family more than anything? The pony that takes such pride in all of you? The pony that threatened to beat up Berry Punch when she overheard her complimenting your flank?"
"Eeeyup."
"Pull the other one," Twilight stated.
Big Mac opened his mouth to protest, only to cringe as Applejack bellowed so loud that birds 3 miles over took flight (and, amazingly enough, a few badgers did too). "Big brother, you lazy colt, get yar hide back in here, ya hear me?"
"... I need to go," Big Macintosh said meekly, lowering his head and shuffling back towards the house.
A little pegasus pony version of Twilight appeared on the mare's right shoulder, strumming a harp. "You must follow after him Twilight and find out what has caused your friend to treat her family such a way. This close to the holidays she should be showing them only love and respect."
Twilight looked over at her left shoulder. "Isn't there suppose to be a little evil version of me that tells me to do the bad thing?"
~Meanwhile, in Canterlot!~
"That's right, Mr. Pigeon," evil little Twilight said, coaxing the overly stuffed bird towards Discord's statue. "Come on... I know all that stool softener I fed you makes your tummy hurt but I have the perfect potty for you!"
~MC~MC~MC~
"Sing low, sweet chariot, comin' forth to carry me home!" Apple Bloom said as she glumly cleaned the hallway. "Swing low, sweet chariot..." The filly was half caked with dust and there was a feather duster tied to her tail, a broom handle attached to the saddle bags she wore that dragged along behind her and a pair of mop heads were attached to her hind legs as she scrubbed the hardwood.
"What the heck is going on here?" Twilight practically exclaimed, staring at the filly in horror. All the light had gone out of Apple Bloom's eyes and she moved more like a puppet than a living creature. She'd lost track of Big Macintosh but the poor stallion's plight was forgotten in the face of the utterly miserable and broke Apple Bloom. "What happened here?"
Apple Bloom continued to clean, never looking up.
"Apple Bloom!" Twilight said, lifting the filly's head up so she could look her in the eye. "Apple Bloom, can you hear me?"
"It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again," Apple Bloom said dully, her works robotic.
"I... I don't understand-"
"It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again."
"I heard you, I just don't-" "PUT THE APPLE-PICKEN LOTION IN THE BASKET!" Apple Bloom screamed in fright.
Twilight leapt away, panting as Apple Bloom went back to cleaning. "What happened here? Is Discord back? Where you all replaced by changelings? Did you eat some of Rainbow Dash's mood stabilizers?"
"Rainbow Dash is poppin' pills?" Applejack asked as she trotted into the hall. Unlike the rest of her family, Applejack looked completely normal... well, save for the slightly manic look in her eye that spoke of death and destruction to all that got in her way (but hey, who hasn’t had that look in their eye?).
"I was being sarcastic. Have you seen Rainbow Dash? If that is her ON pills I'd hate to see her off of them." Twilight walked over to Applejack and gave her friend an awkward smile. "So... what are you doing?"
"Just a bit of cleanin'," Applejack said, inspecting a spot Apple Bloom was finishing. "Good work, Apple Bloom!!"
"All work and no play makes Apple Bloom a dull filly."
"Don't she just say the dandiest things when she's sleep deprived?" Applejack said, turned and marching towards the kitchen, Twilight fast on her heels. The cowpony led her friend into the room, which was sparkling so brilliant Twilight felt like she was staring at Celestia's sun after getting her pupils dilated. "So I got all the pots ya asked for, I just wanna make sure I grabbed them all."
"Applejack, what is going on? Big Macintosh was thrown through a wall and your sister is acting like a zombie."
Applejack scoffed. "Them weak-willed little foals are just drama queens. This is just a total cleaning of our house before the rest of the family arrives. Ain't nothin’ weird about that."
"Granny Smith is wearing a diaper!!!" Twilight shouted, pointing at the elderly green mare who was asleep in her rocker, an overly large diaper strapped to her flank.
"We decided this was easier than cratin' her... more cost effective as well."
Twillight grabbed her friend and shook her violently. "AJ!"
"Yeah Twi?" Applejack said with a shrug.
"What... the hay... is going on?"
"We're just-"
"Why are you cleaning like it is the end of the world!?!" Twilight shouted, the power of her voice so great that it knocked the hat off her farmer friend.
"Shucks, Twilight, I'd have wagered you of all ponies would get it. I mean, you are going to go through the same thing I am."
"Applejack, I am beginning to lose my patience..."
The famrer sighed, slipping out of her grip. "I just want everything lookin' perfect before our family gets here." She walked over to Granny Smtih and wiped up a bit of drool that was leaking from the old mare's mouth. "I know I am getting moody and pressin' everypony a bit too much-"
"You bucked Big Macintosh through a wall!"
"-but what is most important is that when my cousins and aunts and uncles come a'walkin' through these doors they are left with their jaws on the floor."
Twilight walked over to her friend and wrapped a foreleg around her, sympathy shining in her eyes. "Listen, I get it. I have been panicked about making sure everything looks perfect at the library. I want my party to be the best and so do you so we are cleaning like mad... but we are forgetting that Hearth's Warming is all about-"
"I ain't interested in it bein' perfect. I just want to rub my clean house in their noses."
Twilight's jaw hung open, her train of thought completely derailed (the thought-train derailment was truly horrible; 15 ideas were dead and it would cost 120 brain cells to repair the damage). "You... you what?"
Applejack marched over to her sink and began to inspect it with a critical eye. "I want all my family to come in here and see how clean and beautiful my house is and be so jealous that they are fumin’ from their ears in rage."
"You... want your family to feel rage?"
"Heck ya! I want them to hate my guts!"
"Applejack!"
"Well, it's the truth. They’re gonna be walking around here, inspecting every little crack and chip and pointing out all the flaws. I want to have all those taken care of so they are walkin' around like idiots and are forced to admit that my house is a billion times better than theirs!" Applejack leapt on top of her stove and began to clean behind the light bulbs, scrubbing each one and cooing to them like they were foals. "Oh, everypony is going to be wishin' they were my family and that they had as lovely a house as I do."
The lavender unicorn just stared at her friend, eyes bugging out of her skull. "I... I can't believe I am hearing this! Applejack, you love your family so much... how could you be thinking like this! This... this isn't you! You don't turn your family into slaves just to make your house clean so your cousins get mad!"
Applejack shook her head and laughed. "Twi, don't worry!" Any hope the mare had that her farmer friend was going to reveal this was all a gag died with Applejack's next words. "It isn't just the house that I am gonna be using in this war."
"W-war?"
Applejack nodded, hurrying over to a filing cabinet in the home office and pulling out graphs and charts. Each one listed the profits for Sweet Apple Acres and the pages were filled with black ink and dollar signs. "I am gonna leave this out so they can see just how rich we are! Hooweee, that'll show Cousin Braeburn! He’ll be so mad he could spit… and that boy do sure love to spit!"
Twilight felt as if her world had suddenly been ripped out of its orbit and was now hurtling towards a black hole. "I... I can't believe you are going to these lengths just to show up your family!"
"You ain't?" Applejack said with a frown. At Twilight's head shake the farm pony let out a sigh of pity. "Oh Twi, you are so screwed."
"Huh?"
"You honestly don't think all your family is going to be judging you? Why do you think they want you to have this party?"
"Because I asked to do it and because I want to show I can put on a great party... but it isn't a competition."
"Well, that much is true. I mean, it is gonna be hard to beat your brother... he's married to a Princess and his wife and him run a whole empire! And even before that he was captain of the guard..." The orange mare pondered things. "I suppose you might stand a chance if you remind everypony how powerful ya are. Maybe you should hang up some of them articles they wrote about ya when we defeated Nightmare Moon... or hey, did Princess Celestia ever give ya a medal for somethin'? You could wear that around your neck... make it super shiny and always tilt it so the light from it bounces into your brother's eyes. That would beat him." Applejack's eyes widened as a new thought struck her. "Shoot, I bet they announce they are havin' a baby!"
"Think about it, Twi... if your brother wants to beat you and prove he is the best he is gonna need to make your momma and daddy a granny and grampy!” Applejack stomped her hoof. “That no good stallion! I bet he is rutting with the Princess right now trying to put his butter in her tart just so she’s got a foal growin’ in her when they arrive. Then all your hard work will be for nothin’!” Applejack gave Twilight a sinister smile that had the unicorn backing away in fright. “But I know how to fix’em. BIG BROTHER, GET IN HERE!"
Big Macintosh raced into the room, a feather duster in his teeth and a rug on his back. "Eeeyup?"
"You and Twilight need to get married right now!"
"WHAT?!?!" Twilight screamed.
"Think about it, Twi!" Applejack said, an almost manic gleam in her eye. "This will help both of us out! You and Mac can get married and he can put a foal in your belly and then we both will have something else to brag about at our parties!"
"Uh, AJ, I'm kinda sore from dustin' and I have a headache…” Big Mac whined.
"MOUNT MY FRIEND NOW!" Applejack roared, grabbing Big Mac and shoving him towards the unicorn. “YOU MOUNT HER AND BANG HER LIKE A SLUT TILL SHE’S FAT WITH AN APPLE FOAL!”
Twilight warped behind Granny Smith and yanked her out of her chair, pointing her diapered rear at the clearly insane Applejack. "This thing is loaded and I am not afraid to use it! Back off or I will make this place really dirty and smelly..."
Applejack threw up her hooves. "Ok, ok! I give, I give." Twilight let out a long sigh. "Didn’t realize you weren’t into stallions. No problem, you and I can get hitched and adopt. That will work too. Now, I ain't gay but I'll let ya do stuff to me."
Twilight's magic flared out, warping her and the pots and pans away.
"...what are ya doin', standing around like that, there is dusting to do!" Applejack shouted at her brother.
“And so Twilight found herself back at the library, her heart still pounding her and mind aching as she tried to come to terms with all that had happened. Applejack, her honest friend, had turned her family into her minions all in an attempt to make her extended family jealous. And not the good kind of minions that cower when they are suppose to and can be easily be knocked down by a judo chop to the throat.
“However, despite this setback, Twilight Sparkle was not deterred. She was going to throw a wonderful Hearth’s Warming Day party and she was going to spend the time with her family… and not let them judge her or hate her because of her life choices.
“Thus, Twilight went to Sugarcube Corner to talk to her friend Pinkie… for if any pony knew how to throw a party, it was her!
“By the way, are any of you disturbed that I am not wearing pants right now? I mean, I am a snowman and I don't have legs, but still, even I am a bit creeped out. Perhaps I should get some nice slacks or-”
~MC~MC~MC~
“Alright, carry the three…” Pinkie mumbled to herself, sticking her tongue out as she looked at the paper. “And then divide by the square root of those cursed numbers from that magic island with the smoke monster... hmmm…”
“Hi Pinkie!” Twilight said, entering her poofy-maned friend’s bedroom.
“Hiya, Twilight!” Pinkie said, looking away from her work and bouncing over to her friend. “How are ya? You weren’t attacked by grinches or ghosts of Hearth’s Warming pasts, were you?”
“Uh… no, I wasn’t,” Twilight said, pursing her lips.
“Good! You can never be too careful! That’s why I put up garlic this time of year.” Pinkie gestured to the strands of garlic bulbs that were hanging over her windows. “That’s also why I had Mr. Cake buy me these funny little lower case ‘t’s and then I dipped them in water that Princess Celestia spit out.”
“How did you get water that Princess Celestia spit out?”
“Well…”
~Several months earlier~
“You know, it’s funny…” Luna said as her, Celestia, Shining Armor, Cadence and Tydal the OC capricorn walked down the dirt path, “…you’d think we’d have reached the changeling hive by now.”
“It’s only been two weeks, little sister,” Celestia pointed out, admiring the sun (‘Oh Ms. Sun, if we were in Griffian, I would make you my bride…’)
“Yeah, but it feels like it’s been months!” Luna complained. “And worst, it feels like we’ve been walking away from that burned down Grease E. Gus for over a week! No adventures, no wild events, nothing!”
Tydal grumbled as he used his magic to take a flask from his saddle bag and take a quick drink. “You promised me murder, Luna… you broke a promise.”
Cadence gasped. “Luna, you broke a promise to a friend?”
“Cadence, no!” Shining Armor shouted in fear.
“FOREVER!” Pinkie screamed, bursting out of Luna’s mane.
Celestia did a spit take, drenching the pink mare.
~MC~MC~MC~
“… I am doubting the validity of your story,” Twilight said.
Pinkie giggled. “You sound like that baby dalek you have locked in your basement.”
Twilight chose to change the topic. “What are you working on?” She trotted over to Pinkie’s desk and blinked. “What… what is this?”
“It’s my Hearth’s Warming Day list, Twilight!”
“Why are there numbers all over it if it is a list?”
“I have to add up all the goodies I want to find under the big tree that we murder in the name of holiday spirit, silly.” Pinkie frowned, tapping her chin. “Is it weird that we murder trees and dress up the bodies? Seems a bit morbid. I mean, we did kill Discord and put him in a garden, so there is a history of us doing that-”
“We didn’t kill Discord, Pinkie,” Twilight said, pursing her lips.
“We didn’t?!” Pinkie exclaimed, checking outside for chocolate rain clouds. She let out a squeal of horror. “Oh now, it is raining white cotton candy!” The earth pony stuck out her tongue, only to giggle. “Wait, never mind, it is just snow!” Pinkie turned back around and wagged her hoof at Twilight. “Don’t scare me like that, Miss Scary Scarer!”
Twilight frowned. “Pinkie, we didn’t kill Discord… we turned him to stone.”
“And is stone alive?” Pinkie asked simply, tilting her head. “Can you survive if your heart is a rock or your veins are filled with pebbles?”
“…alright, we murdered him, happy?”
“Yup! I came to terms with being a murderer loooooonnngggg ago! Not the kind that chops up ponies and makes them cupcakes, because that would ruin a perfectly good cupcake, because bleeeeeh! Can you imagine blood in a cupcake? Or pony meat? Yuck! Well, unless whoever's blood it was had high sugar levels and that made it like cherry syrup-“
“Pinkie… the list?” Twilight said, already mentally checking off ‘cherry cheesecake’ from her list of foods she might make for Hearth’s Warming Day.
“Oh, right!” Pinkie giggled (which, really, wasn’t that shocking; Pinkie NOT giggling at something would be a bigger surprise) and handed Twilight the list. “See, I came up with all the stuff I want to get for Hearth’s Warming Day… I plan to send it to my dad as soon as possible so he can get started.” Pinkie looked up at the ceiling in thought. “Maybe I could get one of those magical owls to take it to him for me! Twilight, can I borrow your owl… the one that forgets ponies’ names?”
“Sorry, but no.” Twilight looked over the list. “Pinkie, don’t you think that it is a bit late to be giving a list of toys?” Twilight’s brow furrowed. “And why are you asking for toys? You are a grown mare!”
“I am a kid at heart!” Pinkie considered her words. “Well, a filly at heart. I’m not a goat… or am I?”
“You aren’t. But seriously, look at this… jacks, a jump rope… what the hay is a Tickle-Me-Luna doll?” Twilight held up a hoof, cutting off the answer. “Nevermind, I don’t want to know. I’ll rest easier not know.”
“Like I do by not knowing where babies come from,” Pinkie said brightly.
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Right. Anyhow… you do realize that Hearth’s Warming is only a few days away, right? If you are just giving your list now to your father, you might not get your… Tydalimus Prime figure?”
“It’s a capricorn that turns into boat! I also asked for the Celestiatron so I could make them fight!” Pinkie began making strange ‘rarararara’ sounds with her mouth. “Besides, I will still get presents… this is just my latest list. I send updated ones every day. My family does the same thing!” Pinkie trotted over to her closet. “How else would I know to get all of this!”
Twilight cringed, expecting an avalanche of presents to pour out of the closet. Instead, she found that while the closet was filled to the brim, each box was stacked neatly by size, color, weight and the pony it was going to. Twilight couldn’t have done better herself.
“All those presents are for your family?” Twilight asked, speechless (which is a paradox because she just spoke... or sloopy writing).
“Of course! I have to prove I love them by giving them a huge amount of items. It’s like the old song says, money can buy you love.”
“I don’t think it goes like that,” Twilight stated. “Pinkie… you do know that your family will love you, even if you don’t get them a lot of gifts.”
“Well duh, but this way I prove I love them the best! And besides… the more gifts I give them the more they feel they have to give me!” Pinkie’s eyes actually began to grow green with greed. "And the more expensive, the more they have to spend to try and match what I spent!"
“That… sounds horrible.” Twilight shook her head in disgust. “You are using the gifts you give as bribes and threats to get more gifts from others! That is just sick, Pinkie!”
“That is the holidays, Twilight!” Pinkie said happily. “Hearth’s Warming is about getting and that’s why my motto is ‘gimme gimme gimme’! It use to be 'kill whitey' but I don't know what that means...”
“That is the most greedy thing I’ve ever heard!”
“That’s the way Hearth's Warming is! I even wrote a song about it… you want to hear it?”
“No, I-“
Pinkie Pie
Chocolate chips as big as rocks And some cake I can wear like socks Is all I really want for Hearth’s Warming this year
“Well that’s just not practical,” Twilight complained.
Pinkie
I want taffy shaped like my head And some caramel as big as my bed That’s all I really want for Hearth’s Warming this year!
“Wow, that is a long list, Pinkie!”
Pinkie
Come on Twi I not quite done I have more to say And my list is another 50 pages long! Let’s see!
I want a blender all in pink And a boss who doesn’t drink
Mr. Cake (slurred)
Hey what the *HIC* is goin’ on in here?
Pinkie (Mr. Cake has collapsed) All these happy wishes And lots of Hearth’s Warming cheer Is all I really want this year.
“Pinkie, it sounds like you are going a bit overboard!”
“Come on, Twilight, everypony goes overboard, I mean…”
Rarity (in her boutique)
I want to tour the Manehattan coast
Applejack (at her farm)
Lunch with my dead mama’s ghost
Rarity and Applejack
Is all I really want for Hearth’s Warming this Year!
Twilight blinked. “Uh… what?”
Fluttershy (at her cottage)
A nicer quilt on my bed Oh, and Angel wants a sled! Is all I really want for Hearth’s Warming this year
Rainbow Dash (In her cloud house)
A place in the Wonderbolts Don’t care what’s my spot is But I better get top billing every night! Heehee
Twilight
Doesn’t this seem like too much stuff?
Rainbow Dash
Suck my wings it ain’t enough
Rarity
Stop trying to ruin Pinkie’s song, my dear!
The Mane 6 (except for Twilight)
All these happy wishes And lots of Hearth’s Warming cheer Is all I really want this year.
Twilight just stared at Pinkie, never questioning how she could hear her friends who were miles away. “I’m just saying it seems a bit too much.”
Pinkie laughed. “But everypony knows the holidays are about being greedy! Just ask any pony!”
Mrs. Cake
I’d like some golden safety pins And Mr. Cake to stop asking about the twins Is all I really want for Hearth’s Warming this year
“I mean seriously… of course he is the father!” Mrs. Cake said nervously.
Derpy
A line of muffins 8 miles long
The Doctor
A restraining order against River Song
Derpy and The Doctor
Is all I really want for Hearth’s Warming this year!
“Oh, hello darling,” River Song said, popping up in the window.
“I got her!” Dinky said, spraying the pony with a hose. “Home wrecker!”
“Good girl,” The Doctor stated.
Filthy Rich (wearing a shirt that says “I Heart Lunakah”)
If you put a Hearth’s Warming tree In the public post office I will go to court and sue your flank HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Mayor Mare
I’d like more ponies to come and stay
Cranky Mule
I want Pinkie Pie to stay away I’m tired of her always coming over here!
Cranky, Mayor Mare and Filthy Rich
All these happy wishes And lots of Hearth’s Warming cheer Is all I really want this year.
Breaburn
I’d like a newly polished hat stand
Buffalo Herd
We still want you off our land!
Braeburn and Buffalos
Is all I really want for Hearth’s Warming this year
Princess Celestia
I want a diamond necklace as white as snow
Princess Luna
I want more lines in the show!
Celestia and Luna
Is all I really want for Hearth’s Warming this year
Bon Bon
I just want a wedding ring From somepony named Lyra
Lyra
I just want some flippin’ human hands! I mean it, I’m not picky!
Shining Armor and Cadence
We want watches, hers and his
Tydal the capricorn, Faith the abstract, Nyx the filly alicorn, and Mary Sue the Red Maned, Black Coated Alicorn
We don’t know what Hearth’s Warming is! OC’s celebrate Tydalmas, which you should fear!
Entire Cast
All these happy wishes And lots of Hearth’s Warming cheer Is all I really want this year.
“That is the second most greedy song I’ve ever heard,” Twilight said, backing away from her friend.
“What was the first?” Pinkie asked.
“Prince Blueblood-“
“Say no more, already caught up!” Pinkie said happily, humming to herself even as Twilight slowly backed out of the room.
Sam the Snowman shook his head sadly. “Things sure weren’t working out for Twilight Sparkle. First she had learned that there were ponies that saw Hearth’s Warming as a chance to show up their families. Then, another friend proved that greed could easily consume one during the festive time. However, she was undeterred and decided seek out the friend that knew most about giving: the vain, jewel coveting fashionista. Yeah... I don't get it either.
"I just don't get it," Twilight said as Aloe worked on her hooves.
"Get what, darling?" Rarity said, her eyes closes and a near delirious smile gracing her lips as Lotus gave her a deep muscle massage. "Ooooooohhhh... yes! Yes!"
"I'll have what she's having," Mrs. Cake called out to Aloe.
Twilight waited for Rarity to calm down before continuing. "I just don't get how Applejack and Pinkie Pie could be acting like they are. I mean, they are just ruining the holiday completely!"
"You are preaching to the choir, dear." Rarity, cracked one eye open and smiled at her friend. "Though, I suppose it is to be expected with those two."
"What do you mean?" Twilight asked, letting her left leg down and raising her right so Aloe could go to work on that hoof.
"Well, when you look at each of them it isn't much of a surprise that they would behave like that during this festive season." Rarity leaned back in her chair, ticking off her points. "Applejack, despite all her attempts to look like a humble farmer, has a competitive streak as big as that ghastly hat of hers. Remember, she is the one that got drawn into a competition with Rainbow Dash... it is a wonder we all didn't begin circling their heads, what with the gravitational pull their egos' mass were sure to have been producing."
Twilight considered this. "Well... yeah, she was pretty silly... her and Dash ended up coming in last in the Running of the Leaves because of all their fighting."
Rarity tsked. "Exactly. And let us not forget that Applejack is stubborn enough for several ponies already... she thought she could do a harvest all by herself and refused help because she didn't want her big brother to mock her."
"Uh... maybe. I think it had more to do with pride-"
"The pride that nearly led her to lose her farm to the Flim Flam brothers?" Rarity pressed. "Or the pride that had her running off to buck cherry trees instead of admitting she had gotten second in all her events."
"Speaking of that, did you hear that they proved Lancer Hoofstrong was using steroids? They stripped him of all his medals and Applejack has been declared the winner, so-"
"But my point remains, darling." Rarity's horn flared and her magic grabbed a cup of tea, which she brought to her greedy lips. "It is of little surprise that Applejack would become so competitive with her family. The Apples tend to be quite similar, so her ear her cousins acting as she described is a reasonable one. I dare say that Apple Bloom will do the same thing when she comes of age.
"As for Pinkie, I am surprised at your non-surprise. Have you truly forgotten what our pink friend is like? It is a wonder that greed isn't her element!"
Twilight let out a squawk of protest. "Rarity! How can you say such a thing! Pinkie is very generous... she gives parties all the time-"
"Which she gets credit for. Credit can be a powerful motivator and I have known ponies that have sought it out just as hotly as jewels. And don't paper over her eating habits... I don't think i have ever seen a pony actually attempt to steal food from Princess Celestia."
Twilight conceded that point. "Still, its not like Pinkie is some greedy monster."
"No, she merely creates them. Remember when we fought Zuul?"
~Several Months Earlier...~
Twilight and her friends stood on top of Manehattan's tallest skyscraper, staring down the strange pony ghoul that had emerged from the portal created by the possessed Fancy Pants and Octavia. The pony had black eyes and chalky white skin and wore a white body stocking.
"Are you an alicorn?" the mare said with a deep, booming voice.
"...no," Fluttershy said meekly.
"Fluttershy!" Rainbow complained as Zuul began to glow. "When a demon asks you if you are an alicorn, you always say yes!"
Zuul ignored Rainbow's outburst. "You will create your own destruction!" With a wink the pony disappeared.
"No one think of anything!" Twilight called out. "If we don't think of anything then Zol can't make avatar of destruction. Keep your mind blank... just follow Rainbow Dash's example."
"Yeah... hey!"
Five seconds passed before the six mares heard a bellow. Looking down the street, they gaped at the gigantic marshmallow pony that was cantering towards them.
"PINKIE!" the other five mares shouted.
"Yay, my wish came true!" Pinkie exclaimed, happily dancing around.
~MC~MC~MC~
Twilight frowned. "Good thing we crossed the streams of energy the Elements were producing... we would have been goners if we hadn't."
"But my point remains that Pinkie's greed nearly kiled us all. That is why I am not surprised she would expect so many presents and thus see no problem with wasting her money buying gifts to ensure she got more gifts."
Twilight nodded, accepting Rarity's argument. "I guess you are right... I just wish they would get in the spirit of the season."
"Well, you can't blame them... it is a stupid holiday."
"Say what now?"
Rarity shrugged. "It is a stupid holiday. Everything about it is stupid. The only reason I celebrate it at all is that it is fashionable to do so; that is also the reason I use this accent and I refuse to acknowledge the fact that Sweetie Belle is really my daughter."
"Wait, say that last part again," Twilight said.
"Hearth's Warming is a stupid holiday," Rarity told her fellow unicorn, ignoring Twilight's true question. "Every pony has forgotten it's true message... though I am not surprised, as the origin of the holiday is quite dumb."
Twilight's jaw dropped (which Aloe took as a sign that the unicorn wanted a tongue waxing and thus she ran off to get the wax). "Wait... how can you say that? Hearth's Warming is all about friendship and overcoming differences..."
"It is all claptrap, Twilight... I am surprised that an educated mare like yourself would believe it."
"What do you mean?" Twilight growled, not liking how flippantly her friend was blowing off Hearth's Warming.
"Well, first off we are celebrating it on the wrong day." When Twilight just stared at her blanking Rarity sighed. "The story tells us that all was warm and sunny until the three tribes began to fight. How many Decembers do you know where the weather is balmy and perfect for planting?"
"Uh... maybe there was global warming?"
"Also a myth," Rarity said, continuing on before Twilight could begin to argue THAT point. "Also remember that the first harvest had not come in yet, so it is clear that 'Hearth's Warming' actually occurred in the spring."
"If that is true, then why do we celebrate it now?"
"To make things easier!" Rarity exclaimed in exasperation. "Each of the three tribes had holidays around this time and thus it was easier to bring them under one banner by merging their three spiritual days into a single day. The earth ponies had Snow Day, which is why snowponies are associated with Hearth's Warming. The pegasi had The Night of Needles, when they used cloud magic to bring pine trees to the clouds to create forests in the skys for one day... thus why we have Hearth's Warming trees. And the windigos, which so factor into the story, were creatures that factored into unicorn myth."
"How do you know all about this?"
"My minor in college was ancient histories," Rarity stated with a smile. "It was my mother's idea; she figured that if dress making turned out to be a dud that my gem finding ability would make me a great archeologist. That's why I originally named Sweetie Belle Short Round."
"That... actually makes a lot of sense."
Rarity preened a bit at the compliment. "Thank you. My knowledge does become useful when I am in the mood to do some of my more classical designs..." The white unicorn trailed off, enjoying her leg massage.
Twilight mulled all of this new information over. "Ok... so maybe they did move when the holiday is celebrated... but the message and the story are still meaningful."
"If by meaningful you mean 'built on lies' then yes!"
"No, I didn't... you know what, never mind." Twilight sunk lower in her chair, crossing her forelegs over her chest in annoyance. "What 'lies'?"
"Well, first off many of the characters in the stories are composites. Chancellor Puddinghead was leader of the earth ponies during the exodus but she died when she looked in a river, saw her reflection, thought she was drowning and dove in to rescue herself. She was succeeded by Chancellor Smart Cookie, who was not the pony with common sense as the plays depict but a blithering yes-pony. . Princess Plantinum was never ruler of the unicorns but instead a figurehead, much like her descendant Prince Blueblood. And Commander Hurricane was male... which begs the question why Rainbow Dash was so thrilled to play him." At Twilight's blank look Rarity rolled her eyes. "I am saying Rainbow wishes she were a stallion... it was an insult."
"OOOOOooooh!"
Rarity nodded. "Second, and more importantly, many of the pillars the story is built on are quite flimsy. Why is there no oral history about the lands before Equestria? You would think that we would find ancient ruins or have relics and beliefs that can be traced back to our pre-Equestria days. But no such thing exists."
"Yeah, but-"
"And then there is the idea behind the war. The princesses control the moon and the sun... if Equestria was founded without them, then how did we survive? And if it weren't, then why were they not their guiding us."
Twilight sighed. "Fine, it's all a lie!" She jabbed her hoof (which, thanks to Aloe, looked absolutely fab-u-lous!) at her unicorn friend. "But the message still holds true! Hearth's Warming Day is about friendship and love..."
"...and merchandising and consumerism and the all mighty bit," Rarity said sadly. "Face it, my dear, Hearth's Warming has been taken over by the toy companies and turned into an excuse to buy, buy, buy. We keep the baser elements of the holiday alive but even then they are corrupted by big corporations. Just look at our play last year."
"What about it?" Twilight asked. "There wasn't anything corporate about it."
"We put it on in the 5th Street Bank Amphitheater. The programs had ads for McHay and Wheater King printed on the back."
"And the costumes were 'donated' by Ponyville Carousel Boutique... and you let every pony know about it!"
Rarity smiled. "I said it was a holiday about consumerism... just because I don't like it doesn't mean I shouldn't profit."
"But... but that is horrible!" Twilight exclaimed. "You preach and whine about how bad the holiday is but instead of stopping it you just go along with it and actually help promote the thing you are complaining about! The only thing you are really doing is ruining things for any pony that has to listen to you!" Twilight stood up, ignoring the shouts of panic Aloe gave about waiting for her hoof-polish to dry.
"Where are you going?" Rarity asked.
"Somewhere not filled with ponies that want to inspire hate in their family, demand presents, or take sick joy in being hypocrites!" Twilight stormed off, leaving a startled Rarity in her wake.
"...is this a bad time to mention our special on gift cards?" Lotus asked. Rarity shook her head, motioning for Lotus to continue.
Sam the Snowman fiddled with his hat before continuing. "Yes, it seemed like every pony in Ponyville had sudden developed a Heath's Warming bug in their butt. Twilight knew what the holiday was suppose to be about but all her attempts to get help and reassurance had been hindered. There are some ponies that would have given up, but folks say Twilight Sparkle never admitted defeat, no matter how hard a situation became. This was mostly because she was a masochist and got off on pain; that's my theory, at least."
Reaching down, Sam gathered up a bit of snow, rubbing it against his arms. "Her first 3 stops had only ended in pain, but Twilight knew how to correct all of this. There was one friend, above all others, that she knew she could trust not to become corrupted by the holiday spirit: the bashful pony Fluttershy. Thus, with the kindling flame of hope burning in her heart, Twilight trotted towards the pegasus' house, hoping that in that cottage she could find the seasonal cheer she had been hoping for."
Sam lifted his arm up, revealing that he had used the snow to build some biceps on his arms. "What? I have a date tonight and I want to look my best!" He grabbed some more snow and began to rub it on his chest, sculpting so ice-hard abs.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Alright... so what if three of my friends are acting crazy... I will still manage to put on a wonderful holiday party!" Twilight blew a strand of hair from her eyes as she walked down the lane towards Fluttershy's house. "I mean, yes it would have been nice if they had helped me out, but I can manage. Granted, Pinkie was suppose to help me ensure my party games would be fun without becoming to overblown... and Applejack was going to show me how to make that apple crumble that I promised my mom but I am sure I can figure it out... and Rarity was going to help me decide on a color theme, whatever that is... but I can still do it!" Twilight stomped her hoof, determination flashing in her eyes. "Yeah... I am going to have a great party! I am going to show everypony what Hearth's Warming is all about!"
The unicorn laughed to her self as she continued down the trail. "Geez, I can't believe the girls have let the holidays drive them so batty! I mean, I'm the one that usually loses it when it comes to planning things and I am totally keeping it together." The unicorn's brow furrowed. "I mean yeah, I am talking to myself, and I was talking to a little angelic version of myself... and I hear a little voice in my head telling me to 'kill whitey' but that doesn't mean I'm crazy!" She looked around, as if she expected ponies in white jackets and buttefly nets to emerge and try and catch her. She let out a sigh of relief when that did not happen and continued to trot along. "That's right Twilight... you are in the zone and keeping it together! Every pony can see that. I'm not crazy, they are! Isn't that right, sparkling elves."
Twilight turned, staring at the empty air for several moments, before cocking her head to the side.
"What's that? Why yes, I have been working out, thank you!" Twilight patted her stomach. "I took up Pilates!" She stared at the air again for several moments. "Yes, I know that they say swimming in the best exercise but I perfect not getting wet when i work out." She frowned after several moments of silence. "What do you mean, 'That's what she said'?" Another long lag. "No, I really don't think we should round up all the mules and put them in a concentration camp... and what the hay is Poland and why should I invade it?" She waved her hoof dismissively. "Forget it, there is no talking to you when you all are drunk."
That problem settled, Twilight continued to happily trot down the lane, her spirits bolstered and her sanity hanging by a fraying thread. She just knew that Fluttershy would able to help her out; Fluttershy was so meek and timid that there simply wasn't any possible way that the shy pegasus could have become a holiday monster like the rest of their friends.
Twilight turned a corner and felt her stomach drop at the sight of Fluttershy's cottage. She cursed herself for jinxing her luck.
If Los Pegasus was a cheap streetwalker who enjoyed drinking dime store hooch, then Fluttershy's cottage looked like whatever the slut would purge from her body after a night of binging. There were enchanted lights everything: on the roof, framing the windows, and even two parallel lines running down the walk to where Twilight stood. A massive inflatable snowpony happily sat in front of the cottage, waving his foreleg, and Fluttershy had even managed to erect a Council Scene, depicting the moment Clover, Smart Cookie and Pansy had decided to become friends and banished the windigos to hell (or where ever the windigos went... the history books were unclear on that point). Several of the trees near Fluttershy's cottage had been decorated like Heath's Warming trees and there was even a sound system set up, ready to begin playing Hearth's Warming classics once it was turned on.
"Uh, Mr. Badger?" Fluttershy said softly, floating over to the mammal as it worked on setting up some overly-large candy canes along the snowy flower beds. "I thought we agreed that we'd used green and red candy canes?"
The badger let out a series of grunts and calls (which, roughly translated, meant "I am a female, you lousy-") but Fluttershy simply waved off the complaints.
"Well then, if you don't want to do it right then I guess you will have to go into the box." The badger's eyes widened and he/she began to wave his/her arms rapidly in utter fear. "Are you sure?" Fluttershy said politely. "Ok." The badger, letting out a sigh of relief, quickly rushed into the house to get the right candy canes. "And, if it ok with you... could you maybe, kinda, let every other animal know that I will not tolerate failure." Fluttershy bit her lip nervously. "If you don't want to tell them I can-"
"Fluttershy?!?" Twilight exclaimed his shock. "What are you doing?"
"Oh, hello Twilight!" Fluttershy said happily, flapping over to her friend and giving her a hug. "I'm glad you are here; maybe when some of my little animal friends see you hard at work then will stop crying about being tired and hungry and get back to work. Or maybe, if it isn't too much trouble, you could use your magic to... convince them to work."
"Did... did you enslave all your little animal friends?"
Fluttershy shook her head rapidly. "No! No no no no no!"
"Good."
"I just ripped them away from their homes and force them to work long hours with no pay and no chance of being let go."
"...that's the very definition of slavery!"
"It is?" Fluttershy said in surprise. She turned to Angel, who, to Twilight's horror, was holding a whip and had on a pair of black sunglasses and a cowboy hat. "Angel, did you know that all our friends were really slaves?" The bunny nodded. "Oh, good... as long as one of us knows."
"Fluttershy, how could you do this?"
"Do what?" the mare asked innocently.
"How could you enslave all your little friends?"
Fluttershy shrugged. "Well, there is just so much work to do and I can't really afford to pay for workers-"
"Fluttershy, you write the Daring Do books... you're a millionaire."
"Well, that's true..." Angel ran over and whispered in her ear. "Oh! I'm so sorry, Twilight; I misspoke." Fluttershy smiled, nodding her head. "I can afford to pay workers, I just don't want to."
Twilight felt a migraine coming on (though, truthfully, ever since she had moved to Ponyville she had felt migraines coming... Spike thought that it was a sign her brain was trying to claw its way out of her skull and escape the insanity; Twilight was more and more subscribing to that theory). "Fluttershy, what exactly could be so important that it would make you enslave innocent creatures?"
"The decorating contest."
"The decorating contest?"
The pegasus nodded. "Oh yes! Every year Ponyville has a home decorating contest and every year I win. I really like to go all out and that is why I get-"
"Enslave."
"-my animal friends to help." Fluttershy gestured towards her cottage. "Isn't it lovely?"
"It's... great. But Fluttershy, is winning a contest really worth all this?"
"The winner gets 1,000 bits."
Twilight did a spittake (which was weird because she wasn't drinking anything). "1,000 bits?!?!"
"Yup. I use the winnings as down payment on more decorations. This year it cost me 3,000 bits."
"You spend 3,000 bits to win a contest where the prize is a third of that?"
"Yes, of course. It is like that old saying: you have to play to win."
Twilight narrowed her eyes. "That is the motto for the Equestrian Lottery."
"...still doesn't make it untrue." Fluttershy smiled to herself. "Come on, Twilight, it is Hearth's Warming Day... and that means enslaving friends so you can win things by over-decorating!"
"NO IT DOESN'T!" Twilight screamed. It was a credit to her will that Fluttershy didn't fly away right then and there.
"Well... I think it is, and so do a lot of ponies, that's why I go all out." Fluttershy gestured towards the little Hearth's Warming village, her light setup on the roof and...
"Fluttershy... is that Discord's statue?"
Fluttershy looked over where Angel and some bluebirds were working on some popcorn strings. "Yes... yes it is."
"WHY DO YOU HAVE DISCORD'S STATUE!?!"
"I rented it from Princess Celestia for my display."
Twilight's eye twitched. "The Princess... rents out Discord's statue?"
"Of course... for parties and Lunamitzvahs."
"This... this is insane."
Fluttershy shook her head, patting Twilight on the back. "It's ok, Twilight... this is just how the holidays are. I even wrote a song about it."
Twilight shut her eyes. "Can we just skip the song and-"
Fluttershy
I am ready and I'm willing To win this year’s new contest I will put up my decorations and my house will be the best!
But my animals will work for nothing
Twilight Fluttershy, that’s because you refuse to pay!
Fluttershy It is almost Hearth's Warming Day! Hooray!
We only have a few days to string up several million lights And to get all of this hard work done my animals will work days and nights
Twilight Fluttershy that is inhumane, and I have to say rather horrible cruel
Fluttershy That's how I make Hearth's Warming Rule! Hooray
Twilight Can't you see their all miserable?
Fluttershy But none of them every complain
Twilight That's because you've work them way too hard It's given them damage to their brains!
Fluttershy Let us string up all the tinsel And push away the snow
Twilight You really have to stop this it is horrible, you must know You aren’t paying attention and don't hear a single word that I say
Fluttershy Oh, thanks Twilight, staying positive is the way!
Twilight I complain and I whine But you don't do what you should You aren't paying attention all
Fluttershy Those candy canes should be wood
Twilight So with that thought in mind I have decided it's time to flee
Discord's Statue I use to be a baddie till I took harmony to the knee
Twilight Have we really sunk so low that we use that overdone meme?
Fluttershy At least it fit better with the song’s overall rhyming scheme Now get going Twilight you are distracting my team! Hooray!
"Fine! I'm going!" Twilight shouted over her shoulder, stomping away from Fluttershy. "But let it be know that I am 100% against-"
"Someone fat get in my way!"
Twilight turned just in time for Rainbow Dash to slam into her, driving the unicorn about 4 inches into the ground. The cyan pegasus shook the snow from her mane and looked down at the librarian. "Gee, thanks Twilight!"
"I'm not fat!" Twilight said dizzily. "I... I take Pilates!"
Twilight groaned, rubbing her head. Her vision was blurry and her mouth felt like she had gargled with sand (and she hadn't done that since pledge week in college.). She weakly reached up and rubbed her horn (which isn't as dirty as it sounds) and smacked her lips together (which might be dirtier that it sounded).
"Wha?" She mumbled, pulling herself from the snow drift she laid in.
"Twilight..." a gentle voice called out.
The unicorn blinked, finally noticing the blue ghostly pony that was standing before her. "Huh?"
"Twilight... you must go to the Dagobah system. There you will be trained by Yoda... the jedi knight who trained me."
"What do you-"
Suddenly the figure rippled and Twilight realized that she wasn't staring at a blue ghost but a shivering Rainbow Dash.
"I said come on, we need to get inside!" The pegasus grabbed Twilight by the forelegs and helped her stand up. "There we go," Rainbow said, brushing the snow from Twilight's mane. "Alright, let's get inside."
Twilight, her vision finally clearing, realized that the two of them were no longer anywhere near Fluttershy's cottage. Looking over her surroundings, Twilight realized she had some how ended up in Ponytown, Ponyville's neighbor town (and rival... the Fighting Manticores had always hated the Blue Smoozes of Ponytown). The unicorn looked about the decorated streets and brightly lit window shops and, remembering the insanity she had dealt with so far, couldn't help but wonder if it wouldn't be better to head to Dagobah (even if she didn't know where or what it was).
"Rainbow Dash, what is going on?"
"I'll tell you on the way." Rainbow began to tug Twilight towards the doors of a large store. The building was easily 4 times the size of the Ponyville Library and all over it there were signs stating it was 'Your Hearth's Warming Stop!". A stream of ponies were moving both in and out, shoving and pushing at each other when they weren't cursing and snarling at slower shoppers to move their flanks. Twilight looked at this mob scene and found herself dragging her hooves in a vain attempt to stop Rainbow. "Well, I was flying over to actually come find you when I bumped into you-"
"You crashed into me," Twilight reminded her.
"You say tomato, I said potato... the point is that I found you. You had decided to take a sleep in the snow so I-"
"You knocked me unconscious."
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "You hold onto a grudge like a war widow. Anyway... I didn't have time to wait for you to wake up so I flew you here."
"And dropped me in another snow bank."
"Yeah... you just looked so comfy..."
"Ok." Twilight chewed on her lip. "Next question, we are where exactly?" Twilight asked as they stepped inside. The answer was presented to her in the way of 40 full aisles of the latest toys and gadgets, all in bright packages and shiny plastic that for some reason makes collects go insane if it isn't mint. Holiday music was playing through the overhead speaker and there was the constant chiming of registers as the salesponies tallied up orders and collected bits.
"Super Happy Toy Emporium!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed in glee. "Only the most awesome of awesome toy stories!"
"That settled the where... now, how about the why?"
Rainbow Dash grinned. "Well, every year I buy toys for needy colts and fillies."
Twilight smiled and the tension that had been building in her temples lessened. "That... that is so wonderful, Rainbow Dash!" She hugged her friend. "Ever since I began planning this party everypony has been making me feel like no one understood the true meaning of Hearth's Warming Day. And then you... you do something like this... thank you Rainbow!"
The cyan pegasus awkwardly patted her friend on the back. "Yeeeaaaahhhhh... could you maybe stop hugging me? I have enough trouble with ponies thinking I'm gay without you mauling me in public." Twilight instantly let go. "Besides, I think Fluttershy would be mad if she found out you were cheating on her."
"...Fluttershy and I are NOT dating."
"Then why did Mrs. Cake catch you two making out?"
"Fluttershy was trying to CPR and thought in involved tongue... can we just move on and get to shopping?"
Rainbow nodded rapidly, zipping over and grabbing a shopping cart. "Works for me!"
Twilight began to push her way through the mob of last minute shoppers, marveling at the number of ponies that waited till the end of the season before doing they shopping. "So, how does this work? Do you have a list from each child and we carefully pick out a meaningful gift that will help ease them through the tough times they are facing?"
"Yeah... if by that you we just grab whatever we can find that looks expensive and throw it in the cart."
"I didn't... oh, never mind," Twilight grumbled, already feeling her stress headache coming on again. "How many more gifts do you need to buy?"
"All of them."
Twilight frowned. "Why did you wait so long to buy the gifts?"
"Because I am lazy... duh." The pegasus darted over to a shelf, inspecting some toys. "Oooooh, these look noisy!" Rainbow threw several Tydalimus Prime and Celestiatron figures into the cart. "Let's see, what else..."
Twilight looked over the end caps that were being picked apart by shoppers and shook her head. "Seriously, some of this stuff I don't get. I mean, what happened to Cabbage Patch Foals?"
"They redesigned them," Rainbow said, pointing to an endcap full of foal dolls that, with their overly exaggerated features and over abundance of makeup, looked like they were mini hookers. "Every pony wants to be hip and cool."
"Not me," Twilight said, before scowling when Rainbow began to laugh. "You know what I meant!" Using her magic, she grabbing a stuffed doll from a different shelf and looked it over. "Seriously? I can't believe they are making Tickle-Me-Luna dolls." Twilight reached down and wiggled her hoof against the plush Luna's belly.
"Thou art stimulating our belly to produce sounds of merriment," the doll said. "We shall respond in kind: HA... HA... HA!"
Twilight moaned, her ears ringing and her mane nearly torn from her scalp from the doll's 'laughter'. The unicorn reached up and tried her best to get her hair back in place. "Ok... let's not buy this one."
"Yeah!" Rainbow said, floating back over with five of the dolls clutched in her forelegs. "We need more that a single doll." She dumped her find in the cart and continued to scour for more. "Let's see... do you think they would like Cadencation?"
"What now?" Twilight said, pushing the cart over to a demo of the game. On the board there was a lewd image of Cadence lying on her bed, several holes cut in her body with little bits of plastic embedded inside. "Ooooookkkk..."
"You've never seen this game?" Rainbow said in surprise. " It is so cool, watch!" Rainbow grabbed the tweezers and touched the side of one of the holes. The board let out passionate screams and pants the longer Rainbow held the tweezers to the side of the hole. "Man, this is hilarious."
Twilight, however, wasn't convinced. "Can't we just get the needing foals Hungry Hungry Parasprites instead?"
"Sure... Oh, and grab an Angry Gildas game too!"
Twilight opened her mouth to question the mere existance of that board game, then promptly shut her mouth and did as she was told. She reached over to snag the box, only to find herself playing tug of war with Lyra and Bon Bon. "Oh, hi there!" Twilight said happily. "Are you girls shopping too?"
"Yup... now give us the box!" Lyra began to pull hard and Twilight began to tug back.
"Uh, no... I found this first."
"Doesn't matter, I need it!"
"Listen, this is going to a needy colt or filly..."
Bon Bon scoffed. "Who cares about that? We are buying this because it is a rare collector's item! We can wait a day and then sell it to some desperate parent for 10 times the bits."
"I am going to use the money for therapy sessions!" Lyra stated calmly.
"You... you would actually try to make a profit on Hearth's Warming Day?"
"Hey, mama Bon Bon didn't raise no fool! Now gimme!"
"No!" Rainbow called out, joining the fight. "We saw it first and WE'RE going to sell it for a ton of money!!"
"I thought you said these were for needy fillies and colts!" Twilight shouted.
"That was before I found out it was worth something!"
"This... this is ridiculous!" Twilight exclaimed. "We are fighting over a children's toy!" She loosened her grip and stared into Bon Bon and Lyra's eyes. "Just look at yourself and think about-"
"Yoink!" Caramel said, snatching the game from the arguing females.
"Nice going!" Bon Bon screamed. "That was our booze money!" She lashed out, punching Twilight in the face.
"Hey, you want a fight you can have one!" Rainbow shouted. tackling Bon Bon. Soon all the ponies in the store were shoving and pushing and stealing from each other. Lyra was using a container of LEGOs to beat up Caramel, while two earth ponies were wagging half of a damaged doll at each other, screaming that the other caused the damage. The register operators called for calm but none of the ponies in earshot showed any concept of hearing them. "ENOUGH!"
They did hear that.
"Uh... you ok Twi?"
Twilight turned, her dark stare at all the fighting ponies. "Look at you all! Is this what Hearth's Warming Day has become? A bunch of stallions and mares fighting over toys? Where is the love and the respect and the friendship? One of you must remember this! Is this how you want to spend your holidays, fighting like wolves over bits of plastic?"
Every pony grew silent.
"YES!" The crowd roared before resuming their fight.
"No..." Twilight snarled, her eye twitching. "No.... NO!" The crowd went quiet again as Twilight rocketed into the air, her mane and tail on fire and her coat a bright white. "NO!"
"Run!" Rainbow Dash screamed, pushing her cart of toys towards the exit as Twilight blew out a fireball, setting several shelves on fire.
"Twilight Sparkle will kill us all!" another pony screamed as Twilight began to burn every toy and game she could find, screaming in rage as she did so.
Sam the Snowman shook his head sadly, his banjo sitting beside him. "Yes, Twilight Sparkle truly had fallen into the pits of despair. After the disastrous shopping trip and her near murder of 78 ponies and causing 1.2 million bits worth of property damage, the little unicorn had lost her holiday spirit. It just seemed like all the ponies and in Ponyville were more concerned with trivial desires than celebrating friendship and family."
The snowman shuffled along, heaving a sigh. "There is nothing sadder than someone who loved the holidays losing that festive spirit. They say every time a bell rings and angel gets their wings... and every time Twilight Sparkle explodes with rage demons shove a pitchfork in Richard Nixon's ass. Well, with the way Twilight was feeling, ol' Tricky Dick is going to be suffering so much he won't be able to sit down for weeks."
"Are you really stooping that low?" a voice called out. "Richard Nixon jokes?"
Sam turned and smiled weakly at the new arrival. "L-Lord Tydal..."
"Sorry I'm late; I know I was suppose to be here 3 chapters ago but my wife was in a rather frisky move. Now then..." The OC (Oceanic Creature)/Author's favorite original character wagged his tail as a murderous glint entered his eye, "...get ready, Sammy boy, because you are going to be with the Creator soon."
"...mommy."
~MC~MC~MC~
Twilight groaned, rubbing her head. It felt as if someone had dumped a liter of hot sauce in her skull and then shook her up as hard as they could. Her muscles were weak, her horny felt chubby (she wasn't even for sure how that was possible) and her vision was so blurry that if Prince Blueblood had walked by she wouldn't have seen him as a giant walking douche with blonde hair.
She coughed and a plume of smoke left her mouth. She gagged on the smokey flavor and muttered, "I knew those cigarette ads were a lie... like a mountain bike ride my flank." Twilight slowly rose and let out a sigh as her vision cleared, revealing the charred remains of the toy store. "I had been hoping that was just an acid trip..."
Twilight sighed and began the long walk back to Ponyville, ignoring the looks she was getting. Her mood was lower than Mr. Cake's IQ (seriously, even the TWINS know that he isn't their real father) and every step she took made it feel as if the weight of the world was pressing down on her.
"How... how could this happen?" she murmured to herself. "How could every pony forget the true meaning of Hearth's Warming?" Her steps took her to the Ponytown Suicide Bridge, which was named after Quick Suicide the local baker, who was died not by his own hoof but from a combination of a bad cold and a boulder being pushed onto his head by his jilted lover Jail Bait. Twilight shook her head sadly as she looked out at the water. "How can this be?"
"Don't you understand, Twilight? This is a holiday story, so of course things are going to be bad at first. That just sets things up for the 3rd act redemption!"
Twilight whipped around, gaping at the new arrival. She didn't look anything like a pony, mostly because she wasn't a pony but a human. She had long red hair and a brilliant smile that made her eyes twinkle. She wore a simple jacket and slacks and a pencil was stuck behind her ear.
"Who are you?"
"My name is Lauren Faust, Twilight. I am here to guide you in your time of need."
Twilight's brow screwed up. "Wait a minute... Lauren Faust? Aren't you that person that the crazy blonde hair man who broke into my house a few weeks ago said created Scootaloo and then refused to give her a backstory purely to screw with the fans."
Lauren huffed in annoyance. "defender2222... I really hate that man. I mean, have you read that story with the abstracts he did? We get it, defender, you watched The Dark Knight Rises and like the character Xanatos from Gargoyles... stop shoving it down our throats. And stop ripping off Doctor Who..."
Twilight slowly backed away from the ranting woman. "Well, this has been... strange... but I think I am going to flee now-"
"But you can't go!" Lauren exclaimed, rushing over and grabbing Twilight's hooves.
"I need an adult! I need an adult!"
"I am an adult!" Lauren exclaimed, wiggling her nose and warping the two of them off the bridge.
When Twilight opened her eyes she was startled to find that she was standing in Sweet Apple Acres. She looked about, trying to figure out how she had gotten there, only to look down and scream when she saw that her legs were misty and transparent.
"What did you do to me!?!" Twilight cried out. "Is this date rape?"
"Relax," Lauren stated calmly. "I merely am allowing you to view things without any pony seeing us."
"Why?" Twilight said nervously.
"You are concerned that your friends are ruining your Hearth's Warming Day. But the truth is, Twilight, that without you they would have made their own holidays a billion times worse. You are the only thing keeping them from going nuts."
"Seriously? I burned down a toy store and I am the voice of reason?"
"Pretty much."
"That is the stupidest-" Before Twilight could finish she heard gunfire. She rushed over a hill, nearly stumbling over some rocks ('How the hay am I intangible yet I am stumbling over rocks?') before cresting the mound and looking down upon the orchard below.
The scene that greeted her was utter chaos. Many of the trees had been knocked down and reduced to kindling. The earth was packed down and soaked with the blood of ponies. Bodies were strewn about like mulch and every so often Twilight would see one twitch before growing still once more. The screech of carrion birds echoed in her ears and threatened to haunt her dreams for years to come.
"What... what is this?" she whispered.
"Hearth's Warming Eve," Lauren said sadly.
Twilight squinted against the crimson sun that shone down upon her; it seemed even the daylight was tainted by blood. Down, far below her, she could make out the form of Applejack marching amongst a squad of soldiers made up of her own family, each one wearing chains around their necks.
"Remember, ya'll," Applejack screamed, "no pony ever won a war dyin' for his or her cause... they made the other poor sonuvatimbawolf die for HIS cause!"
"What is she doing?!?" Twilight screeched.
"Fighting for her right to turn her family members into slaves. Because you weren't around to temper Applejack's competitive streak she has come to fear her family coming not just on the holidays but any day. She is so scared that she now enslaves them and forces them to clear all year round, just to be sure her place is ready for a surprise visit and her holiday party."
"No..." Twilight whispered in horror. "This is awful!"
"You obviously haven't noticed her opponent."
Twilight looked over and her jaw dropped at the sight of the mare that stood against Applejack, dressed in full battle armor including a helmet made from the skull of Big Macintosh "Fluttershy?!?"
"Uh... please hold your ground..." Fluttershy said, hovering above her army of bear and wolf slaves. "If you want to, hold your ground. I... I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me... and usually does." She blushed as she continued. "A day may...MAY... come where the courage of ponies fail; where we break all bonds and destroy all lines of friendship. But... well... it is not this day. This is an hour of wolves... and bears... and wolves riding bears throwing smaller wolves at Applejack."
"I don't believe this!" Twilight screamed at Lauren. "How could Fluttershy and Applejack end up like this?"
"It's not just them," Rarity said, trotting up to the two. "Rainbow Dash decided to join in because she thinks it is fun to fight on Hearth's Warming." She pointed to Rainbow Dash, who was dressed in a white body suit, had a black bowler hat on her head, and a black circle drawn around one of her eyes. "She has been gathering other ponies to form a mob since last year."
"Wait a minute... how the heck are you able to see us?" Lauren complained.
Rarity shrugged. "Well, I don't believe in this ghostly visitation stuff, so-"
Lauren yawned. "Wow, I just realized that I don't care."
The white mare shrugged. "Fine, I just wanted to let you know that Pinkie is about to drop a nuke on you, so you might want to move."
"WHAT?!?!" Twilight screamed, looking up in time to see Pinkie riding the bomb down, waving a cowboy hat as she laughed in glee. "Send us back, send us back!"
Lauren's eyes widened in a panic. "I'm trying, I'm trying! I don't know why we haven't leapt yet."
Another human appeared, dressed in a garish suit and his hair slicked back. He looked over a strange handheld devices and frowned. "Ziggy says you can't leap until Twilight learns a lesson," Sam said.
"I have, I have!" Twilight screamed, covering her head.
"Top of the world, mama!" Pinkie squealed as she fell.
Twilight flinched, waiting for the explosion, only to find nothing but silence. She blinked, slowly rising up to find she was still standing on the bridge. "What... what..."
"We warped back," Lauren stated calmly. "But do you understand what I was trying to teach you?"
"Yes," Twilight said a dark gleam in her eye. "Hearth's Warming Day must die."
"That's right, the power of friend-wait, what?"
Twilight whipped around, an evil grin on her face. "Don't you see? It isn't my friends that are bad... it is Hearth's Warming! It drives ponies insane and makes them evil. But... but!... if I destroy it then everything will be ok from now on!" She whipped around, screaming at nothingness. "You shut up, sparkling elves! It is a great plan!"
Lauren nervously back away. "Ok... this is more screwed up then the 'One Bad Seed' episode... I think I am just going to leave and make more Super Best Friends Forever episodes."
Twilight paid no heed, cackling as she warped herself on top of the bridge. With a thought Spike suddenly appeared beside her, twitching in his bed.
"I didn't come in ya Rarity, I swear..." he murmured. Twilight shook his awake and the baby dragon let out a yelp. "What... what is going on?" He looked at Twilight, leaping away when he saw her eyes had become dragon-like. "Uh-oh... I told you not to use my tooth brush... now you have dragon VD!"
"Spike..." Twilight said sweetly, "I've decided that the time has come to save Equestria!"
"From... what?"
"Hearth's Warming Day! It only inspires fear... and fear leads to hate and hate leads to suffering and suffering leads to bad prequels. So I am going to murder Hearth's Warming Day and then rape its corpse."
"I don't think that is-"
"Silence minion!" Twilight cackled, her magic flashing as she summoned Nightmare Moon's armor to her. She quickly re-sized it and slipped in on, cooing in delight as she snapped the helm in place. She looked down at the land below and laughed. "Enjoy your sleep, Equestria... for tomorrow... Hearth's Warming Day dies! So says... NIGHTMARE MOON JUNIOR! BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!"
Spike backed away, only to bump into a black male alicorn with mirror shards for wings.
"Don't look at me," Doubt said, "I'm not even in this fic!"
Twas the Night Before Hearth's Warming And even the tiniest little mouse was mourning the series finale of the Fox TV show 'House'
The fouls were all nestled In their beds without sleep For they had consumed so much sugar It would make any dentist weep
Papa was in his lounge chair drinking bourbon, to be blunt While mama was on the sofa massaging her back
When out of the lawn The arose such a clatter So papa grabbed his club like he was a Detroit Tiger's Batter
He gazed out the bay window And what did he see? It was just old man Simmons In his yard taking a pee
"I told you before!" The old stallion said "You pee in my yard And I'll beat ya dead!"
So while papa was busy shoving Simmons in the trash bin Nightmare Moon Junior Quietly crept in
She smiled and winked Oh, how she was quick She stole every present including little Billy's stick
Hurrying to the back door She placed a hoof to her nose Stuck out her tongue and away she rose!
"Twilight, why are you rhyming like that?" Spike asked from his perch on the wagon Twilight had stolen, bags full of gifts loaded up and ready to be destroyed.
"I'm sorry, were you talking to me?" the unicorn said.
Spike let out a sigh. "Fine... Nightmare Moon Junior... why are you rhyming like that?"
Twilight laughed. "Oh Spike, every pony knows that when you go out stealing holidays you must rhyme."
"I don't think-"
"What's this? What's this? There's white stuff in the air!" Jake Skullington (who was NOT Jack Skellington in any way, shape or form) sang, dancing about. "What's this-"
"Hey, this is my crime! Go get your own!" Twilight screamed.
"Ok, ok... geez," the skeleton said sadly, walking off with his hands in his pockets.
“I thought Princess Misty killed him a few months ago,” Spike stated.
“Spike, no one reads The God Squad.”
“…did you break the fourth wall?”
"Now then, let's make sure we are on track. You have my checklist, right?"
Spike nodded, rolling his eyes. "Yes Twilight. And I have the check list for the checklist, and the checklist for that one, and the checklist for all your checklists."
"Good!" Twilight said with a grin, her armored hooves clanking as she walked. "Read the list off for me."
"Let's see... Steal the Crystal Heart... place memory charm on the Crystal Ponies... make very complicated security system to guard heart... talk to doctor about itch in throat-"
"Ok, ok, sorry!" Spike exclaimed, throwing his hands out to defend himself.
"Now that we have that straightened up, let’s get going to the next house." The unicorn's horn flared and the wagon began to rumble long the path, heading towards the next sleepy household. "After this one I really think we should dump all of this in Ghastly Gorge so we have plenty of room for all the junk we get from Pinkie's place."
Spike waited a few moments before speaking "Uh, Nightmare Moon Junior...”
“Nightmare Moon Junior is listening.”
“…can I just call you Twilight for short?"
"Nightmare Moon Junior will allow this."
"Twilight, aren't you worried that ponies will be upset with you robbing them?"
"Not really."
Spike shook his head. "But you do realize that they WILL be upset."
"Of course Spike but I find I just don't care. They are the ones that made Hearth's Warming about things instead of bonding over love and friendship... they were practically begging for some pony to come and rob them of all their possessions in an attempt to murder and rape a holiday."
"I think you and I have different definitions for begging," Spike stated.
Twilight waved him off. "Be that as it may be, I don't have time to concern myself with the corrupt ponies. I need to kill Hearth's Warming Day and committing grand theft is the only way to murder it. Then, and only then, will this evil holiday's evil curse be broken and my friends be freed from its tyrannical grip!"
Spike leaned down over the bag he was sitting on. "But Twilight, what if your friends don't thank you for ruining their holiday... what if they just form a lynch mob?"
"First off, they ruined my holiday first, so they can suck my horn. Second, if they try and form a lynch mob, I will just go with plan B."
"And what is plan be?"
Twilight giggled. "Flood the world till all the wicked are drowned."
"Twilight!"
The unicorn shrugged. "Don't worry, i have an ark ready and I even collected two of every animal... only females though, as I don't want any hankie-pankie while we are waiting out the flood."
Spike shook his head sadly. "Why are the pretty ones always insane?"
~MC~MC~MC~
"There we go!" Spike said, swinging the door of Rarity’s boutique open. "I told you it would be easier than throwing a boulder through a wall."
"Should I be concerned that you knew right where Rarity keeps her hide-a-key?"
The baby dragon shrugged. "Sometimes I like to sneak in and watch Rarity sleep... it isn't creepy."
"No no, of course not," Twilight said quickly.
"It isn't."
The unicorn flashed her assistant a smile. "Of course it isn't." Under her breath, the insane mare (who was dressed in the armor of a mass murderer and trying to rape a holiday) muttered, "Pyscho..." After a few minutes spent making sure they were along, Twilight turned and addressed her little purple friend. "Alright, so I will go and get the presents. You check Rarity's bedroom for any hidden gifts." Spike gave her a salute and scampered off.
Twilight began to softly sing to herself as she grabbed all the presents under the tree and used her magic to float them out the door. As she was doing this, she, of course, sang a song that was a classic of Christmas time...
Twilight Killing in the name of! Sing that shit! (censored) the police
Some of those that work forces, are the same that burn crosses Some of those that work forces, are the same that burn crosses Some of those that work forces, are the same that burn crosses Some of those that work forces, are the same that burn crosses Huh!
Killing in the name of! Killing in the name of
And now you do what they told ya And now you do what they told ya And now you do what they told ya And now you do what they told ya And now you do what they told ya And now you do what they told ya And now you do what they told ya And now you do what they told ya And now you do what they told ya And now you do what they told ya And now you do what they told ya But now you do what they told ya Well now you do what they told ya
Those who died are justified, for wearing the badge, they're the chosen whites You justify those that died by wearing the badge, they're the chosen whites Those who died are justified, for wearing the badge, they're the chosen whites You justify those that died by wearing the badge, they're the chosen whites
Some of those that work forces, are the same that burn crosses Some of those that work forces, are the same that burn crosses Some of those that work forces, are the same that burn crosses Some of those that work forces, are the same that burn crosses Uggh!
Killing in the name of! Killing in the name of
And now you do what they told ya And now you do what they told ya And now you do what they told ya And now you do what they told ya And now you do what they told ya, now you're under control (7 times) And now you do what they told ya, now you're under control And now you do what they told ya, now you're under control And now you do what they told ya, now you're under control And now you do what they told ya, now you're under control And now you do what they told ya, now you're under control And now you do what they told ya, now you're under control And now you do what they told ya!
"Huh... what's going on?" Sweetie Belle murmured, trotting down the stairs. Her parents had left her with her sister while they went on vacation, because like all ponies she had a horrible relationship with her parents (seriously... we've never met Rainbow Dash parents, Twilight's haven't said a word to her in 2 years, Applejack's are dead, Pinkie's are amish and Fluttershy's are in jail for trying to assassinate Princess Celestia in a failed attempt to impress Jodie Foster). "Who... who are you?"
"I am Ni-" Twilight stopped when she realized that telling the filly she was Nightmare Moon Junior would result in screams, which would mean she would have to murder the filly to shut her up, which would lead to finding somewhere to bury the body and she had lent her good shovel to Fluttershy. "I mean... I am the Ghost that Never Fibs."
"Really?" Sweetie said in glee. "Did you get my letters?"
"Uh... sure. Anyway, why don't you do me a favor and go back to bed."
"Rarity makes me sleep in the sink... I have accidents." The filly scuffed her hoof against the floor.
"Super... so, let's go back to your sink."
Sweetie blinked as she saw a present float out the door. "Wait, why are you taking all my presents?"
Twilight consider the words of little Sweetie Belle And considered which lie she would be forced to tell
Then she got an idea an awful idea A horrible, hideous stupid idea.
"I am stealing them so I can kill Hearth's Warming Day and then rape its corpse."
"... RARITY!" Sweetie Belle screamed.
"Crap!" Twilight exclaimed, hurrying over and grabbing Sweetie Belle and wrapping her up in some spare ribbon (made of gold thread and crushed emeralds... very expensive) and stuffing a sock in her mouth (I’m sorry, I have to interrupt here… what the hell is up with the sock thing? Seriously, it is just stupid. Can we all just admit it was stupid and stop referencing it?). "Spike, our cover is blown!"
The baby dragon hurried down, his arms filled with Rarity's undergarments. "I found a bunch of stuff... i even found a lightsaber in Rarity's bedstand drawer!"
"Leave it, we need to go!"
"But... but..." Spike flapped all the clothing he wanted to steal.
"Who is down there? Don't make me get my gun!"
"LEAVE IT!" Twilight screamed, grabbing the last present and bolting out of the door, Spike on her heels.
"Sweetie Belle?" Rarity asked, trotting down the stairs. "What happened?" Looking down at the pile of clothing Rarity dug around and pulled out her lightsaber, activating it and cutting Sweetie's bonds.
(What? You thought it would be something else? What else could it... oh, you people are sick!)
Applejack shook her head sadly as the girls came running towards her house. It was Hearth's Warming Day and instead of focusing on giving her living room its 15th cleaning, the farm pony was sitting on her porch brooding. "I'm guessin' ya'll also had some no good thieves steal stuff from ya?"
Fluttershy nodded sadly. "The cute little coat I got for Angel is gone... as is the big hat with the purple feather and the cane he wanted so he could beat his hos." The pegasus blinked in confusion. "What is a ho?"
"I think it is a type of pastry," Applejack stated. "Granny is always mentioning how much my Uncle Orange loves eatin' 'em."
Rainbow Dash was practically spitting teeth (which would have been gross). "Some pony snuck into my place and stole all the gifts I bought for the orphans! Now how am I suppose to compensate for the fact that I don't have a well developed backstory? Giving to the poor was MY thing!"
"I thought being in the Wonderbolts was your thing?" Fluttershy said.
The farmpony let out a sigh. "The thief done hit us too... everypony is mighty upset."
"But... but... but I want my gifts now!" a high pitched voice squealed from inside the house.
"Applebloom seems to be taking it hard," Rarity stated.
"That wasn't me," Applebloom mumbled, trotting up to the group, a pencil stuck behind her ear and a clipboard clamped between her teeth. "Applejack, I've got an estimate for how much it will cost me to put in a security system."
Applejack looked over the notes. "I don't think we need gun turrets."
"Your funeral," Applebloom stated, trotting off to measure for guard bars.
Fluttershy frowned when she heard the whimper once more. "If that isn't Applebloom, then who is..."
"Eeeeyup!" The voice squealed again before breaking down into sobs.
"Big Macintosh really likes Hearth's Warming Day," Applejack stated. "Or he is suffering brain damage from all the chemical fumes he inhaled while we were cleaning... who knows?"
"Geez, he is crying like a mare! Were his balls stolen too?" Rainbow asked.
"They were?" Fluttershy and Rarity screamed. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
"Would ya'll calm down so we can figure out what happened?" Applejack tapped her hoof against her chin. "Do we have any clues?"
"Well, I found Twilight's wallet lying on my floor," Rainbow said, pulling said wallet from her saddle bag "Which is weird, because my floor is made of clouds."
"I saw Twilight and Spike fleeing my home last night," Rarity stated.
Fluttershy shifted with unease. "I found this book... it's called 'If I Stole Hearth's Warming Day, Here's How I Did It' by Twilight Sparkle." The yellow pegasus flipped through it. "It's actually pretty good... the characters are well defined and there is a nice twist towards the last third of the book..."
Applejack smacked one hoof against the other. "All the evidence pointed to one culprit!"
"Yeah?" the girls said leaning forward.
"It was obviously the Flim Flam brothers!"
Applebloom chose that moment to return and shook her head. "Try again."
"Trixie?" Rarity offered.
"No."
"That dragon we found 2 years ago?" Rainbow suggested.
"Nope."
Fluttershy pointed at herself. "Was it me?"
"Was it?" Applebloom asked.
"I don't know, that is why I am asking."
Applebloom just stared at them and trotted away, mumbling about how SHE could be the one without a cutie mark.
"Ok, now that she is gone we can make plans to take down the Flim Flam brothers..." Applejack's rant teetered off when she noticed a herd of ponies racing towards them... led by Pinkie Pie who was dressed in grand armor and a helm decked out with chainmail. Beside her the Cake foals were clanking coconuts together.
"Whoa there, whoa!" Pinkie said, stopping her invisible horse. "Hello there! I am Pinkie, King of the Britons!"
"I didn't vote for ya!" somepony called out in the back of the herd.
"...I always knew she was going to lose it," Rainbow muttered. "I just always assumed-"
"That she would kill me and turn me into cupcakes," everypony in a 5 mile radius stated.
"Am I really that predictable?" Rainbow said sadly.
"So Pinkie... what are you doing?" Fluttershy said politely.
"I figured out that Twilight is trying to kill Hearth's Warming Day and rape its corpse, so i rounded up a mob and we are going to beat her up!"
The others just stared at Pinkie.
"What? You've never killed and raped a holiday?" Pinkie asked. "I've done it three times!"
"R-really?" Fluttershy stammered.
"Yeah... that's why No Sugar Day, National Anti-Party Day and The Night of a Thousand Vegan Pizzas are not longer celebrated."
"Listen, we've all killed and raped a holiday before, but this is Hearth's Warming!" Rarity stood up tall and proud, flashing the mob a grin. "You seriously can't believe Twilight is a part of this!"
"She's part of this!" Spitfire screamed.
"Burn her alive!" Fancy Pants roared.
Rarity blinked in surprise. "Uh... what I meant was death to Twilight Sparkle!"
"Rarity!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed.
"You are the element of loyalty, not me," Rarity reminded her. "Death to Twilight!"
"YEAH!!" Snowflake screamed.
"Now hold on there every pony!" Applejack said, raising her hooves up and calling for calm. "Let's not fly off the handle! Twilight is our friend! She is one of us and she loves Hearth's Warming more than any pony!" Applejack took off her hat and placed it over her heart. "She was the only one to remember the true meaning of the holiday. While the rest of us were being petty or greedy-"
"-Twilight was struggling to put on a party! And did any of us help her? No!" The mob had the decency to look ashamed. "If she did do this it is our fault! We should have been there and helped her..."
"Geez, this isn't going to be another 'Twilight is always right and we suck as friends' speech, is it?" Rainbow complained. "I heard enough of these after the wedding..."
"So what if it is? It is true! We have to help Twilight remember what Hearth's Warming is all about! It isn't about presents or awards... it is about love." Applejack wrapped her foreleg around Fluttershy. " Fah who foraze! Dah who doraze! Welcome Hearth's Warming, come this way! Fah who foraze! Dah who doraze!"
The others slowly joined her, Pinkie pulling out a record player to add music to the song.
"Fah who foraze! Dah who doraze!" they all sang.
With a loud POP! Twilight appeared.
"Girls..." she said softly... before grabbing the record player. "I knew I forgot to steal something! Thanks!"
Applejack's face went sour as Twilight warped away. "...death to Twilight Sparkle!"
"Death! Death!"
~MC~MC~MC~
"Uh, Twilight, an angry mob is coming this way!" Spike exclaimed from the mountain of presents Twilight was trying to incinerate.
"Not now, Spike!" Twilight shouted, muttering as she clanked a rock against some flint, cursing when she couldn't get a spark. "I need to burn these gifts then I can begin the raping. Did you remember to bring protection?"
"I found some kitchen sponges... will those work?"
"I guess..." Twilight said, her face puckering in displeasure. She turned when the mob had come close enough to begin lobbing pitchforks at her and sighed. "Listen, I don't know if you are from the government or the church but I don't do censuses and I already have a savoir... his name is Kevin and he hates pina coladas and getting caught in the rain."
"We are here to get Hearth's Warming Day back!" Rainbow said.
"And kill you for stealing it!" Pinkie snapped. A smile suddenly appeared on her face. "Then we can have a funeral, which is like a birthday party despite what my mom and dad say!" Pinkie deepen her voice. "Damn it Pinkie, stop putting balloons in the casket! I tell ya, that girl ain't right! I sell rocks and rock accessories!"
Twilight began to laugh like a maniac. "You... think you have the power to kill me?" Purple magic burst from her horn like something from something (insert your own simile here). "Foolish ponies... I am Nightmare Moon Jr. and I will destroy you all and then destroy Hearth's Warming Day!"
Rarity frowned, taking a step forward. "As they said at my finishing school, it is on like Donkey Kong!"
Pinkie nodded. "Fluttershy, load the piranhas into my party cannon!"
"Oh, you are sure they will be ok?" Fluttershy said, dumping a bucket of the vicious fish into the barrel of the cannon.
"Nope! Fire!"
Twilight began to hurl bolts of magic at the mob as they returned fire. In the middle of this epic fight (which is so epic I won't describe it) a blue police box appeared just on top of the present hill.
"Well Derpy, looks like we have to say Christmas again!" The Doctor said happily. "This is the 9th time for me... one more and I get a free sandwich."
"Don't you mean Hearth's Warming, Doctor?" Derpy asked, Dinky riding on her back.
"Right right, now then..." The Doctor blinked when he saw the utter destruction occurring in front of him. "You know what... I don't think this story needs me."
And with that the Doctor and his companions left.
But, noble reader, that does not mean the ending would be dark. For in the gloom of battle there came a brave hero, one who would save the day.
And his name... was Spike.
"ENOUGH!" Spike yelled, causing all the ponies to stop and stare at him. "I am tired of all of you fighting and yelling and bickering! You are going to stop it right now!"
"And how are you going to get us to do that?" Rainbow asked.
"I called your mothers."
"....no!" the mob and Twilight screamed.
"Even my mom?" Applejack asked.
"I dug up her corpse and reanimated her, yes," Spike stated. "I am just that good."
"Thriller!" Applejack's mom said, dancing up a storm. "Thriller night!"
"Twilight Nightingale Sparkle!" Twilight Velvet roared, leading a mob of angry mothers towards the battle ground. "Take that armor off and get over here!"
Twilight took of her helm and gulped. "We were just playin'."
"Get... over... here... now!"
All the mares and stallions in the mob sighed as they trotted over to their mothers, their heads hung down and tails tucked between their legs.
"But mom!" Twilight whined as her mother yanked the armor from her form. Velvet had transported the two of them back to the library and was now working to de-nightmare the struggling lavender unicorn. "I need to destroy Hearth's Warming Day!"
"You can do whatever you want, Twilight, but no adopted daughter of mine is going to wear gaudy armor like this."
"But without the armor, how will ponies know-wait, what?"
"Hmmm?"
"What did you just say?"
"No daughter of mine is going to wear her real mother's gaudy armor."
"Ah." Twilight blinked, but before she could consider what her 'mother' had said, Velvet was already pulling off her helmet and scrubbing Twilight's face with a wash cloth. "Mom, stop it!" Twilight squirmed like a foal as her mother wiped away the black eyeliner Twilight had put on to make her eyes more dynamic (and the lipstick because... well... Twilight likes lipstick).
"Look at how dirty you got, skulking around like a common criminal! We are unicorns, Twilight... we hire ponies to commit crimes for us." Velvet clicked her tongue in annoyance. "If you grandfather could see you he'd be rolling in his grave."
"Grandpa's dead!?!" Twilight whimpered.
"No, he just bought a new grave plot and he liked hanging around it. Kinda creepy."
The lavender unicorn huffed as her mother continued to scrub her face clean. "Mom, I don't need a bath, I need to destroy Hearth's Warming Day."
"And why is that?" Velvet asked politely. "What did Hearth's Warming ever do to you?"
"It did nothing to me... but it did corrupt my friends and turn them into evil monsters." Twilight jabbed a hoof at her mother. "And yes, I realize the irony of saying that while wearing Nightmare Moon's armor but the point remains! Hearth's Warming Day is horrible!"
Velvet sighed. "Twilight, Hearth's Warming is terrible only if you let it be terrible."
The lavender unicorn shook her head violently. "You don't get it mom... Hearth's Warming is so special and wonderful and every pony decided this year to just ruin it with their greedy and pettiness and bickering..."
"Twilight... that is what Hearth's Warming is always like."
"...huh?"
"It is a holiday about family... and families are made of ponies, not dolls. They have flaws and they make mistakes and they bring in baggage... you can't expect with those ingredients to not get the occasional fight or mess or shouting match. And even when everypony is behaving there is somepony not having a good time or thinking bitter things or just being a pill."
"But... but..."
Velvet placed a hoof on her daughter's shoulder. "Twilight, nothing is ever perfect in life. Things go south or end up in the crapper but it is up to you to decide if that is where the journey ends or begins. Only you can decide if you want to let the negative drag you down or if you are going to laugh in its face and just soldier on."
"You make it sound so easy!" Twilight complained, crossing her forelegs over her chest and letting out a snort of annoyance.
"Oh, trust me, it isn't." Velvet laughed as she sat down next to her pouting daughter. "Did I ever tell you what happened during your first Hearth's Warming?"
~Many years ago...~
"Mom, can I talk to you?" Twilight Velvet called out.
"Of course, my dear." Twinkle looked around before handing Twilight a dictionary that was lying around. "There you go, have fun with that!"
The foal giggled and began to tear out the pages.
"Mother... sit down."
"What's wrong, dearie?" Twinkle said with a smile, sitting down on the couch. "Velvet my dear, this couch is too lumpy. You could afford a better one if you hadn't married Durwood over there."
"My name is Night Light, Twinkle!" Night said in frustration.
"Mother, we aren't going to let you be around the foals anymore."
"And why not?" Twinkle asked.
Velvet glared at her. "All my life you have been nothing but passive aggressive and insulting! You mocked me, my husband, and everything we do. Our jobs, how we raised our son, our house..." Velvet glared at her mother. "That is why we only invite you over on Hearth's Warming."
"My dear, you make too much of this... I am merely being playful!" She gestured towards the trembling white colt that was hiding behind Night Light. "I mean, little Skid Mark knows I love him."
"Shining... Armor," Night Light ground out.
Twinkle groaned. "Such a pathetic name... but of course what else should we expect from a pathetic stallion like you."
Night grabbed a bottle and smashed it on the table, jabbing it at the elderly mare. "I will cut you, bitch! I could cut you and no one would say a word... they would throw me a parade!"
"Who would go to a parade for a ball-less wonder like yourself, Durwood?"
"I'LL KILL YOU!"
~MC~MC~MC~
"I... I can't believe it... I thought Grandma Twinkle was so nice." Twilight gasped. "Wait, so when she says I have a haircut only a dyke would like, she isn't referring to a water retaining structure?"
Velvet nodded. "Yes. You never noticed her evil, cruel remarks because you focused on the good... just like you do with the holidays."
Twilight shook her head. "Alright, so maybe that one holiday was bad, but I can remember plenty of perfect Hearth's Warming."
"Like what... that first part I threw when you were just a filly?"
Spike stumbled inside, looking utterly annoyed. "YOU FORGOT TO TRANSPORT ME TOO! I HAD TO HITCH A RIDE WITH SOME STRANGE PONIES AND GIVE THEM MOUTH HUGS-" However, before he could continue his rant, he heard the harps begin to play. "Oh by Celestia, its happening again!" He looked around in fear. "No, not another fla-"
~Not as many years ago...~
"Shining, could you ask your father to get me the potato peeler?"
"Sure thing, mom!" the little colt said, trotting over to his father. "Dad, mom said she needed toe potato peeler."
"Tell your mother she should just look at the potato... her stare could make anything lose the will to live and shed its skin."
Shining shrugged and trotted over to his mother. "Mom, dad said-"
"Tell your father that I wouldn't have to look like that if he knew how to touch me."
Shining blinked. "Uh, mom said-"
"Tell your mother that I touch her plenty fine and that there are plenty of mares that agree with that statement!"
"Ask your father what he means by that!" Velvet snarled.
"Tell your mother I have been mounting her sister for the last 6 months and it has been amazing!"
Velvet laughed. "HA! Tell your father that he wasn't mounting my sister, that was just me in a wig!"
Meanwhile, Twilight continued to flip through her book. "Well, look has her nose stuck in a book again." Grandma Twinkle snarled sarcastically. "What are you reading?"
"Algebwa!' Twilight said with a laugh. "See, da auth-or dinks that dis e-qua-tion is wight, but he fo'got to cawwt the thwee!"
Twinkle looked down and realized that Twilight was reading one of the Algebra books SHE had written. "You are such a smart one...bitch."
~MC~MC~MC~
"I think my brain is clawing its way out of my skull!" Spike screamed, his forehead throbbing. "Please, no more flashbacks!"
"And don't forget your brother's party last year," Velvet stated.
"NO! My genitals are retracting into my body!" Spike screamed as the harps began to play. "Noooooooooooohhh, why do I have the sudden urge to go shopping?"
~Last Year~
"Shiny, this is amazing!" Twilight said in delight, looking around the ballroom of Canterlot Castle. As Captain of the Royal Guard, Shining had been able to pull a few strings and get the ballroom for his family's annual Hearths Warming Party. "I mean...wow!"
"Aw, it's nothing," Shining said, rubbing the back of his neck. When Twilight turned her back Shining leaned in to one of his guards. "Have there been any sightings of the assassins?"
"No, Captain Armor... but I fear that the rebel army is drawing close." Outside the sound of explosions could be heard. "I fear we will not last the night."
"Twilight!" Grandma Twinkle said, trotting up and pinching her cheeks. "You are just getting so big!" Twinkle muttered under her breath. "You big fat fattie."
"You always say that!" Twilight said with a laugh.
"There is nothing that can be done... we are doomed," Shining lowered his head in defeat. "Private, begin passing out the cyanide-laced cookies."
The private nodded, grabbing the poisoned cookies and passing them out.
"Shining Armor!" a guard hissed. "News from the battle front... Princess Celestia has murdered the leader of the rebellion... we are safe!"
Twilight reached for a cookie, only for Shining to quickly bat it away. He directed her line of vision to the brownie on the table.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Please... no more..." Spike whimpered, cupping his crouch.
Twilight stared dumbly at the wall. "I... I can't believe it. All those memories... those wonderful memories... they are nothing but lies."
Velvet shook her head. "They are not lies, Twilight. The magic of the holidays is that we can forget the bad things and focus on the positive. We are focus on our blessings and not those things that hurt us. Hearth's Warming... well, it is as the legend says: a day when ponies that should hate each other are able to come together, forget about their troubles and just be. It is the belief that on those cold, horrid nights being together can somehow chase the cold away."
"But... how are you suppose to remain positive when everypony is being so negative?"
"Twilight, no pony can force you to feel anything. Just because your friends choose to behave in ways you don't agree with doesn't mean you should take it personally. I am sure you behave in ways that upset them! The greatest trick a pony can use to ensure they have a happy Hearth's Warming is to embrace the good and ignore the bad; when you don't and you let the naysayers or the worrywarts or the greedy ponies drag you down, you let them win. But when you keep a smile on your face and a song in your heart... then you win."
"I... I never thought of it like that." Twilight smiled. "Thanks mom."
"No problem, Twilight." Velvet reached over and hugged her daughter tightly. "Now... I think we have a party to get ready for."
~MC ~MC~MC~
"And so Twilight Sparkle, with the help of her mother and her Number 1 Assistant, put together her Hearth's Warming Day party. And it was... ok. The salad was a little dry and her grandmother kept making comments about how Twilight should go hire a male hooker since she clearly couldn't get a stallion herself. There was a point where Twilight and her father got in a heated argument about mule voting rights and the less said about what Spike did after Cadence slipped him a cup of rum, the better. No pony could claim the party was perfect... or that it was even one of Twilight's better ones.
"But in the end that didn't matter. For you see, Twilight Sparkle chose not to look at those negative things. She realized that focusing on them would only drive her mad and it was better to simply smile, move on, and enjoy the holiday. It didn't matter that things weren't perfect... and by looking at life through that lens, it helped make that Hearth's Warming the best ever.
"We all have bad memories when it comes to the holidays. We remember when mom and dad fought over what to serve for breakfast. Or the time that one crazy uncle went nuts. We never forget how grandma was a control freak or how our cousin liked to drink just a bit too much. But in the end those bad things are only as bad as we allow them to be.
"So, with that in mind, I wish you a Happy Holidays."
"Please..." Sam whimpered. "Please don't drink me."
Tydal merely smiled and continued to pour cherry syrup onto the snowman's melted form. "Sorry, but I am in the mood for a slushie!"
