Derpy Hooves is actually a pretty usual mare. And she's here to tell us about Ponyville, and it's many Shenanigans. We're just 5 guys looking to piss each other off.
This Is NOT a self insert.
What happens when 5 Bronies come together to write one fanfiction? This monstrosity. (There aren't enough tags for all the characters we might, or might not use. Don't judge us.) Also it isn't our fault if this fic gives you Diabetes, Lou Gerick's Disease, AID's, Cancer, Terminal Australian Voice Disease, or Swag Fag Condition. So in short. You will die.
Please disregard the sad/tragic post in struggling authors, for it was a misclick.
You know, Ponyville has always been a little crazy. I mean yeah sure every pony had to endure the eternal night thing 2 years back, and there was that one time where Canterlot was attacked by Changelings, but really that's it. Ponyville though? Well that's a different story.
In Ponyville a random attack from a seemingly extinct species is child’s play. You ponies may think I’m not that smart. What with my wall eyes, and bubbled Cutie Mark, some ponies think I’m an airhead. An airhead who is lucky to have a position in the postal service. But in truth, I’m probably the only sane one around here. Don’t believe me? Let me tell you some stories about Ponyville and its shenanigans.
A rather fine looking red coated Pegasus stallion, with short blond hair, and a saxophone Cutie Mark trotted at a brisk pace down the Ponyville jail halls, his hoof steps echoing off the walls monotonously. In his mouth he carried an empty sack, which once contained a large sum of bits.
“This is the third damn time I’ve been in here to bail his ass out.” He mumbled to the air around him. “The bastard better buy me a beer when we leave this place. Not one of those shitty Amareican ones either. This one is going to be a fucking Caneighdian.”
Approaching the jail cell, a snow coloured guard snapped awake, trying to ignore the fact that he had a large amount of drool staining his uniform. Clearing his throat, he spoke to the new arrival.
“I guess you’re here to pick up this damn racist again?”
The steamy red pony simply nodded in reply. Clearly, he was not happy being in this location.
“Well, keep him this time, the bastard keeps speaking spaneighish or some crap like that.” The guard fumbled with the keys on his belt as the two of them approached the cell in which the damn fine red ponies… friend, was being held in.
Each cell had a set amount of different ponies in it. Some were big, as others were scrawny. Looking to his left he saw… oh god that’s terrible.
“Hey get the molasses out of your ass, and what does guerro mean?” The guard asked with his eyebrows raised. “I would hope it doesn’t mean anything bad.”
The rather attractive red pony turned to look at the guard, placing the bag he had brought with him under his wing. “It means something close to gringo”, He chuckled in a deep, and slightly nasally voice, “At least he didn’t make any comments on your mother and her succulent-“
A soft yet deep voice called out to them. “Will you two stop fuckin’ around and get me out of this shit whole? Or will I have to start singing again?”
The two stallions looked at each other and chuckled, opening the iron barred door in front of a navy blue Pegasus with a black mane and whirlpool Cutie Mark who stood there impatiently.
“About time you fucking picked me up gringo.” Raul said, as he trotted past the two of them, leaving the facility with his red friend in tow.
“What?” the sexy red stallion replied with a wolfish smile. “Did the ponies in your cell rustle your jimmies already? What were you in for this time?”
Raul looked over to his hansom red coated friend. “If I told you, you would call me gay.”
“Too late there fag boy, spill the beans.” The arousing red stallion retorted spreading his wings, and taking to the air.
Following suit, Raul took to the air and levelled with him as they soared. “Oh for Luna’s sake I hate you. I was stealing socks ok?” He yelled over the wind as they flew beside one another.
“Hah! You’re right.” The red undeniably sexable stallion retorted back. “You are gay. Now shut up, you owe me a beer and a wing pony for tonight.”
“Fuck you Dashy”
“Uhhh yes.” A smoky grey Pegasus answered nervously “I’ll have the usual.” Chrysaor stood in line, awaiting his usual order. The usual cashier must have been sick today, as the mare who prepared his order looked at him with confusion and disgust. Looking around nervously, he hoped that no pony would judge him. He is after all an “honorary” member of the guard.
After having 2 mares load his meal onto his back, the stallion left with a 64 pound bag full of fattening food. Walking to a park bench, he sat his fat Amareican ass down, hoping to enjoy his meal. Little did he know he was in for quite a surprise.
Shoving the first of many dripping grease burgers with a side of deep fried grease, Chrysaor swallowed, not bothering to chew. Chewing took too much effort.
Shuddering in pleasure he peered dirtily in the bag for his next greasy victim. Spotting it wrapped in the cheap paper he grimaced, but that did not slow him down. Sliding his sticky appendage out of his mouth, his tongue expertly removed the hamburger from the wrappings. Thus he started his daily ritual.
Removing the hamburger from its wrappings with his sultry tongue, Chrysaor sniffed in the wafting aroma with ecstasy as he held his head in the bag for a moment. Savouring the fatty and gaseous scent.
After thoroughly molesting the hamburger with his tongue, he took it out, the hamburger dripping with saliva. Just the way he liked them. Soggy. Eyeing the hamburger, he took aim. Like a chameleon, Chrysaor slowly opened his mouth, prepping his sticky tongue to spear his soggy hamburger.
Only to be interrupted by his “friend”, LoosePartyCannon.
Loose had been in this situation more than once. As much as he denies it, he has been in this situation more times than he could count. He didn’t ask for this, but it keeps happening almost every time!
5 minutes earlier.
Loose, a light blue Pegasus with a streaked blue and yellow mane sat in front of his computer, making sure he was completely alone in his house. Yep, now for Tumblr. Typing the horrid numbers and letters, Loose knew the URL by heart. Pressing the enter key, his computer paused for a moment, and then came up with hell itself. Banned From Equestria (Daily).
Today was the day. No interruptions, nothing to stop him… Fuck.
Outside his window stood a dingo. A really big dingo, with a kangaroo that wore boxing gloves riding on its back. “Oh fuck” Smashing through the window, the wild dingo launched the kangaroo at Loose and sent him crashing though his house to fall onto his front lawn.
Recovering to his hooves, Loose brought his hooves up to a fighting position, awaiting the kangaroo’s next strike. Blaring through the wall in his house, the kangaroo came at him again, but this time he was ready. As the kangaroo swung at him, Loose quickly ducked to his right, and delivered a quick jab to its ribs. The kangaroo recoiled, with a yell and swung around to find his opponent in the air.
Though this did not stop the kangaroo from striking back. Jumping as high as its legs would allow it, the kangaroo caught Loose by swinging his right foot, and smashing him back down to the ground. Having pinned him, the kangaroo smiled deviously, lifting its leg to smash his face to smithereens, Loose had a final trick up his sleeve.
With a high pitched and girly squeal, Loose shouted a simple battle changing word at the kangaroo. Cactus.
Seemingly from nowhere, a flying cactus came and attacked the kangaroo, sending it to Oblivion (Because Australians don’t believe in hell apparently). Getting back up onto his shaking hooves, Loose breathed a sigh of relief. Only to be attacked by his second opponent, the dingo. Once again Loose went flying, although this time he landed on something soft and greasy.
Looking down, he saw his buddy Chrysaor who had a look of both surprise and disgust on his face. Looking down to his nether regions, was that a… “Oh god….” He breathed in horror.
Before the 2 completely straight stallions could scramble from their mess of tangled legs and one tongue, everypony’s very favourite pony came into the scene. Bryan, some random skinny black and red maned Alicorn that everyone loves, but no one really understands came. Demanding to know where the batteries were. Dashy the sexiest stallion of them all In tow, attempting to tell him that they already got the batteries in the area. But to no avail.
Bryan started a fit of rage. His body trembling, a dark aura began emanating from his horn, making him even louder than he already was. Needless to say, shattered windows were the least of Ponyville’s worries.
“I AM REPTILE THE INVISIBLE AND ALL THE BITCHES WILL BOW BEFORE THE ALMIGHTY PINK SPERM!”
Ponyvilles Many Shenanigans Ch.2 As written by: Someguy987 (Or Riptide)
As Edited by: InfiniteZero
Some say that on nights when the wind sits still, and the clouds block the moonbeams from striking the ground, one can hear the hoofsteps, and wing flaps of a lone pegasus. Whispers contradict what this pony's intentions are, some say he is a hero and a liberator, others say that it is a thief and an anarchist, but one thing, one thing is known for certain, he's a still out there.
Ditzy Doo had been assigned to work the graveyard shift at the Ponyville post office once again.
"Why?" the gray mare asked herself. "Oh right, you can't even stack boxes right." The pegasus sighed, and rested her forehead against the cool grain of the countertop, as a single paraffin candle kept the darkness at bay. Nothing, and nopony ever shipped this late.
*ding*
Nopony.
*ding-ding*
None at all.
*ding-ding-ding*
And now she was hearing things.
"Excuse me, miss," said a mare.
Looking up, Ditzy saw a brown pegasus mare with a box cutie mark, and a small brown hat.
"May I help, you?"
"Yes, miss," the brown mare looked at the name plate, "Doo. I am from CPS."
Ditzy's widened, and her heart began to race as sweat poured down her face.
"Please don't take Dinky away I'm a good parent, I made sure to get a sitter, and everything. Please, please, please, please, please."
"Uh," the auburn mare began, "I-I'm not from Child Protective Services, I'm from the Canterlot Parcel Service. I'm here for an overnight delivery." The CPS mare pulled out a clipboard, and got Ditzy to sign off on the documents. "Alright, it's all done, the package is outside. Good evening." With that, the brown mare took her leave.
A break from the boredom had fallen into her lap, and she wasn't about to pass up the opportunity. Blowing out the lone candle, and flipping the 'open' sign to 'closed'. Ditzy walked outside, saw a nondescript brown package, read the address, and flew off into the night.
The flight was long and hard, but the cool air flowing beneath her wings helped reduce the fatigue a bit. Being ahead of schedule for the moment, the gray mare set herself down at the park for a moment and took a seat on a bench, beneath a gas lamp. Closing her eyes for a moment, the delivery pegasus rested for a brief period. When she opened her eyes again she saw a whirlpool move in the corner of her vision. When she looked again, the swirl was gone, but so was the package. "Oh no," she mumbled, when she realized what had happened.
A navy blue pegasus stallion with a whirlpool cutie mark, and a shock of black mane falling just above his eyes, strolled through the park around midnight, as he traveled towards his next mark, a middle-class home which he had been tipped off to by an acquaintance of his. As the stallion walked however, he noticed a strange sight to be seen, a gray mare sitting on a bench with a brown parcel set next to her.
Knowing an opportunity when he saw it, the stallion carefully crouched closer to the package, wary of the light, and sound he produced. The pegasus licked his lips in eager anticipation as he drew in close to his objective. When he saw that the mare had closed her eyes, the stallion slunk towards the package, lifted it, and bolted in the opposite direction. For a second, he feared that he had been caught, and pushed himself all the harder. After a good ten minutes of running, the pegasus took to the skies, in order to deposit his loot at home. A half-hour later, package safely at home, the stallion resumed his journey.
"Why do bad things always happen to you?" Ditzy asked herself as she flew around the night sky. "If the boss finds out about this, I'll be fired for sure."
The mare had almost given up hope of finding the package, until she saw strange movement in the distance. As she neared the source, she could make out the vague shape of a stallion. Closer and closer she flew, nearing the mark which moved along the road. When was finally within reach, Ditzy lowered herself to the ground softly, and began to follow the mysterious stallion as quietly as she could.
The gray mare mirrored the navy blue pony's hoofsteps as best she could, trying not to allow hers to fall out of sync with his at all. Suddenly he stopped and stood, not allowing a single muscle to twitch. Ditzy froze, her lungs froze, and her heart skipped a beat as the stallion began to move, and then he sneezed. Shaking his head, the pegasus continued onward. The gray mare gave a great sigh, which immediately caught the stallion's attention. As he turned, Ditzy saw the same whirlpool print on his flank as she had seen earlier.
The mailmare charged the pony, punching, kicking, biting, until she managed to knock him off balance, and pin him in the dirt.
"YOU!" she screamed, "you're the one who stole the box, now give it back."
"W-what?" he stammered as the mare's hind leg pressed against his stallionhood.
"Where is it?" she asked again as she pressed a bit harder.
"I-I-I-I don't have it." A tear dripped down his eye as her leg drove deeper down.
"Where did you stash it then?" More pressure.
"I-I-it's at my house," he whimpered.
"Go get it then," the mare demanded.
"I can't," he cried.
"Why not?"
"Because you're standing on my dick."
"Oh," Ditzy said as she realized what she had been doing, and jumped off. "Sorry."
The stallion clutched at his nethers, and rocked gently back and forth. For the next several minutes, the pegasus sat there in agony, tears streaming down his muzzle.
"Sheesh, now I just feel bad," Ditzy muttered to herself.
"Well you should," the stallion said from his place on the floor.
"Uh, what's your name? Do you need anything for... that?"
"I'm Riptide," he responded weakly, "No, I'll be okay in a few minutes."
"So, uh… Riptide, why did you steal the box?"
"It looked nice, expensive, and I didn't think you'd try to rip my nuts off," the stallion responded as he stood up, only for another wave of pain to shoot through him.
"Do you need the money, because I could probably get you a job."
"No, no, I've got a job, I just wanted the challenge," Riptide replied as he tried to stand again, and succeeded. "Challenge, seriously? Why not just save yourself the trouble, and not steal?"
"Yeah, I'd probably get less genital trauma that way, but I just get so damned bored sometimes. You know?" Ditzy nodded solemnly. "I was planning on returning it tomorrow anyways, I always do." Riptide took a shaky step towards the gray mare. "Tell you what, if you help me complete this job, I'll give you back your box, and swear off of thievery forever. What do you say, deal?" the stallion asked with an outstretched hoof.
With a huff, the mare agreed.
"Great, if we hurry, we can finish before sunrise."
With a nod, the mail pony took to the sky, Riptide trailing behind her.
A while later, when the two had fallen in synch and the stallion recovered a bit more, the pair found themselves standing outside the facade of a midsize single story house.
"We're here," Riptide whispered.
Ditzy noted how familiar the neighborhood looked, but being a mailmare, she was familiar with most of Ponyville.
Carefully creeping around the perimeter of the house, Riptide snuck towards the master bedroom window. With practiced precision, the stallion slipped a feather through a crack in the window, and slowly swung it open.
"Psst, gimme a boost," the navy pegasus asked.
"Just fly in there," the mare retorted.
"No, the flapping could wake somepony up. Just give me a boost, I'll be in and out really quick."
"Fine," the mailmare sighed as she knelt down.
Taking a rough step, Riptide hopped through the window. On the other side, Ditzy heard the shuffling of drawers, the rustling of fabrics, and finally the familiar flapping of wings which ushered in the return of the stallion, with a burlap sack in his teeth.
"What happened to no flying?" the mare hissed.
"Nopony was home, I guess they went on vacation."
"So, what did you manage to nab?"
"Let's get back to my place first, then I'll show you the score."
With a shared nod, the pair took to the skies, Riptide leading the way back to his hideout. The flight took roughly twenty minutes, but they arrived at a decent single story home, not at all what Ditzy was expecting. Leading their way inside, the sack clenched firmly in his teeth, Riptide made his way to the kitchen. Seeing the bag be set down was more exciting than the mare cared to admit. The kitchen itself was rather small, a few pans sat drying by the sink, and several plates sat neatly in a glass case.
"Alright, let's see what we got here," Riptide said with a large grin as he spilled the spoils onto the table. From the bag spilled countless pairs of socks, earrings, and panties. One pair in particular managed to catch Ditzy's eye, a pair of black lace panties embroidered with a set of bubbles on the side. "Good catch, huh?" Riptide asked lecherously.
"Where's my box?" Ditzy managed to ask without grinding her teeth into dust.
"Right here," the stallion said as he pulled the package he’d stolen out from beneath the table.
"Whose house did you break into exactly?"
"Some chick by the name of Derpy… why?"
*WHAM*
Ditzy had taken a pan from the rack by the sink, and struck Riptide in the head with it. As the stallion fell, the mare took her package and panties, and waltzed out of the front door. When she had finished the delivery, and returned to the office, the mailmare sighed, rested her head on the counter, and made a phone call.
Of "Guards" and Shennanigans. As Written by: Chrysaor
As Edited by: InfiniteZero
“Chrysaor get your lazy flank up, you have a special assignment today.” said the rather angry voice of my commanding officer.
“Can’t I have like five more min-.”
It should be noted that the most affective way to deal with a sleepy guard is to flip them off their bed, which is precisely what happened.
“Gah, alright alright, I’m up sir.” I said as I tried to settle my nerves. Trust me, nopony should ever have to go through that as a wake up call.
Arriving in the mess hall I found it to be rather empty, usually by this time the Solar guard are getting ready for their shifts while the Moonies are turning in for the day. I won’t bore you with the details of my breakfast, but lets just say it was like somepony left hospital food out overnight then reheated it and called it fresh. When I had finished the slop they called food, I decided it was time to go get my assignment.
The train ride to Ponyville was uneventful. I had been given orders to patrol the town, a simple task for any guard. Still... why was the sergeant laughing like he just heard the funniest joke in all of Equestria... I thought to myself. I felt the train slowing as it approached Ponyville station, I used this time to check my reflection in the window. I looked average for a guard, my gold chestplate hiding a good amount of my smoky grey coat, the wings that protruded out of both sides of my armour were perfectly preened and trimmed. I then looked right into my own crimson eyes before moving to my semi-spiked gold and black mane. Sighing, I placed my helmet upon my head and readied for my first real assignment.
Ponyville is... small, compared to other towns in Equestria, that being said it does not lack in the adventure department. From Nightmare moon to Discord, this little town has been the epicenter for some major events. Stepping out of the station and onto the main street I could see that it was a rather busy day, with ponies hawking their wares to passersby and meeting up with friends and loved ones. It was at this point that I realized I have no clue where to go or who I was supposed to check in with. This is going to be a long day, wel-.
“Um, excuse me but you seem a little lost.” It was a grey mare with a blonde mane and tail, and a group of bubbles for a cutie mark that had interrupted me this time.
“I kind of am.” I replied as smoothly as I could.
“I can show you around town.” she offered in a bubbly tone.
It was then that I realized that her golden eyes were slightly askew, like she was trying to focus on me but her left eye had found something more interesting to observe. Nevertheless I accepted with a tilt of my head and off we went.
“My name’s Ditzy Doo by the way, although everypony else calls me Derpy” she said after several seconds of silence.
“Nice to meet you Miss Doo, my name is Chrysaor” I replied with the even tone of voice we were trained to use in the guard.
Out of the corner of my eye I notice three fillies building what looked like a catapult. The first of the three was a pale yellow with a red mane and pink bow who was busy tying down supports while her unicorn friend who was sporting a pink and purple mane styled in a very posh manner, was reading from a book of instructions. The final member an orange pegasus was sitting in the catapults bucket glaring impatiently at her two friends.
“Is that safe” I asked Ditzy, who had stopped to look at some flowers a vendor was selling.
“Hmm, oh dont worry thats just Applebloom, Sweetie belle, and Scootaloo, they do things like that all the time” she replied.
“Ok if you say so” I replied hesitantly.
We had been walking for hours and in that time I had seen a navy blue pegasus stallion get smacked in the family jewels not once but twice by a pair of angry mares. Then there was the this red pegasus stallion who was hitting on a mare selling cooking-ware and well... she finally snapped and the next thing the stallion knew, he was making out with a iron frying pan. Finally, there was this pink mare who was bouncing along the road and all of the sudden she reached into a tree, pulled out a piano and bounced off. It was at this time that my brain decided it was done and decided to shut off to save me from more psychological scarring.
“Here we are,” came Ditzy’s voice through the mental wall I had put up. “The old guard barracks”
“Thank you” I replied as I stepped into the dimly lit living quarters
I turned to watch as Ditzy left and then I closed and bolted the door, went to the nearest bed and promptly flopped down still fully armoured.
“It’s going to be a looong week” I sighed to myself.
I have no idea how long I had slept when I heard knocking on the barracks door. Putting the pillow over my head and wishing for the pony to go away, I laid there for several minutes before the incessant knocking started again.
“Alright, I heard you the first time” I shouted at the pony who had dared to wake me.
Opening the door, I found Ditzy standing there with a huge grin splitting her face and a plain white envelope in her hoof.
“Pinkie is the one who usually does this but I thought it would be nicer if I was the one to deliver this” she said with a hint of nervousness in her voice. Clearing her throat she continued on, “We the ponies of Ponyville would like to extend an invitation to a town celebration for you.” She finished her little speech and then looked at me, well for the most part, with pleading eyes
“Sounds like fun,” I replied, “lead the way.”
And so again off we went through the darkened streets of this small town. It was eerie in a ghost town sort of way, like everypony just up and left without a moments notice. Looking straight ahead, I could see the building that Ditzy was leading me to, if I remember correctly she said it was Sugarcube corner, we had passed it on the way to the barracks. The outside looked as if some giant pony had dropped an equally large gingerbread house on the ground and forgot about it.
But what drew my attention the most was the fact that all the lights in the building were off and the shutters closed, you would think on a hot summers night like this one a pony would keep their windows open.
“Come on slowpoke” Ditzy giggled by the door where she stood waiting for me.
Trotting up to stand next to her, I raised my hoof and pushed the door open. The room I peered into was pitch black to the point where trying to see ones hoof in front of ones face would be like trying to fit the circle in the square hole. Feeling Ditzy nudging me forward, I took a tentative hoof step inside.
“SURPRISE”came a chorus of cheers. As the lights came on I spotted a banner that said “WELCOME TO PONYVILLE CHRYSAOR” in big bright letters and I thought to myself
The Great Austrhaylian Kangaroo Fighter As written by: LoosePartyCannon
As Edited by: InfiniteZero
“Well buck” Loose said to no one but the blue screen of death on his ol’ reliable Laptop.
“Meh, I needed to get outside anyway, might as well since the Laptops bucking up… AGAIN” The blue Pegasus said.
Loose Cannon, or Loosey as Pinkie called him, was a blue Pegasus with a blue and yellow coloured bedhead mane that covered one of his blood red eyes. Loose may not be an athlete but he can kick most ponies flanks in a hoof to hoof fight, being faster than almost everypony he knows. Then again that may be because he’s the only guy he knows that bothers to excurses, most of his friends being fat bastards.
His Cutie Mark is a controller with wings and clockwork in the background, meaning he’s a great gamer, flyer and engineer when the pays good. Most ponies think that he’s an Amareican because of his accent, but if you buy him a few drinks or get on his good side, he’ll tell you that he is actually from a faraway land called Austrhaylia. The deadliest place in all of Equestria, Austrhaylia is, maybe even the whole world.
Everywhere you look there’s a colt with enough muscle to put a bear to shame, the world’s largest amount of deadly animals and above all else; the best beer in the world, enough to put a feather weight on their arse in one cup…At least that’s what the brochure says. Yeah we have a lot of deadly animals and enough muscle colts and beach babes to put Canterlot to shame but it’s still a lovely place, even the beer part is true. Why is he in Ponyville? Why did he leave Austrhaylia? Only his closest friends know.
Oh right the story, so our blue boy wonder was walking down the dirt path admiring the beautiful scenery of the countryside and the gorgeous weather the Pegasii had provided. Loose is more or less a freelance when it comes to jobs, so he was somewhat disappointed that Rainbow Dash didn’t need him on the weather team. It’s a shame really, the pay was good and the ponies were nice, the hours were great and hey, Rainbow has a nice as- Thinking about his former job he failed to notice the 6 hoof deep hole in the ground.
“Fuck. Shit. Bullocks. Balls. Ass.” Each curse was accompanied with an impact from various objects as he fell down the side of the rocky hole.
“Oh my goodness! Are you okay?” Fluttershy asked from the top of the hole “Never better dearie. Now put on some tea Martha, the queen of Caneighdia should be here soon” Loose mumbled with a mouth full of gravel.
“Oh I am so, so, so, so, so, so sorry! I needed to dig a hole so that some of my borrowing animals had a spot to start. I’m so sorry, here let me help you out” Fluttershy said.
At this point I wasn’t going to question the stupidity of all of this. I was too busy wondering why there were ponies in chicken suits dancing around me instead of stars.
A while later I found myself in Fluttershy’s cottage…To say the least I think she’s an evolved crazy cat pony. Animals everywhere. Now don’t get me wrong I love animals, hell I own a dog and a cat but there’s a point where it goes from a pet to ‘I’m so lonely I need more animals to fill the void’ and this chick just broke the scale and made a need level titled ‘Forever alone’.
But hey, at least she has good cider and food. Sure, it isn’t bourbon and beer battered fries with a side of bourbon but I’m not one to argue with crazy ponies.
“Thanks Fluttershy” I said between mouthfuls of apple slices and apple cider. “But tell me, why the fascination with animals? Why not model boat building or extreme explosion tag for a hobby?”
“Oh, it’s a boring story, I wouldn’t want to waste your time” she said her voice slightly muffled behind her mane. “Lady, with this bandage on my head I ain’t going anywhere soon and I’m sure the story ain’t that bad” I said in a reassuring voice.
“Well…ok”
1 hour and 2 kegs of cider later…
“And that’s why I love animals so much” she said with a beaming smile that would give a lesser being type 2 diabetes. Shame the story was mind numbingly boring. I wasn’t expecting a tale of how she braved an Ursa Major, but I was expecting something great. I mean come on! No explosions or zombies? How can this be a life story without those two things? Ponies from around here suck at telling stories and living life.
“Wow, what a great story!” I said with the best fake smile I could muster.
“Oh, if you want I can tell you the time I taught a rock how to feel love”
“NO! I mean, I’m sorry but I think I left my house on fire I really must be going, see you Fluttershy it was nice meeting you!” I said while I was trotting at the door.
Right when I was almost at the bridge near the end of Fluttershy’s land, I saw HIM.
“YOU!” I shouted at the top of my voice for I was face to face with one of my arch nemesis. They are all the same scum that ruin lives and cause people to suffer, a blight to pony kind and must be exterminated.
I am of course referring to the creature straight out of Tartarus: The Kangaroo.
What? Kangaroos? What could be bad about them! Every pony loves Kangaroos!
Ah, that’s what they want you to think, but back home in Austrhaylia they were the most ruthless of criminals, they single hoofedly ruined my life. When I was 10 my father, Old man Loose, was killed by an assassin of the Spring Paw Kangaroo clan. They were the most evil pirate, ninja, mafia clan out there. I swore that day to avenge my father’s death. So from that day on in my home country I was known as, Loose, the masked Wrestler. I would travel the land disguised as a wrestler by day, masked vigilante by night.
I left my country when I turned 17 in search of their leader, Joey the one-eyed menace, having eliminated all evil doers in Austrhaylia, and eliminating the head of the Austrhaylian leader, Bob, and returning them back to their natural peaceful selves. I have long since defeated them and done away with the mask, but there are still those that are still evil, so I must fight.
“We meet again Loose.” spoke Brad the Kangaroo in my native tongue which only those from Austrhaylia can speak. “Yes, for the last time!” I said while I charged at him, readying my power hoof attack.
I went in for a throat punch but he side stepped it and tried to hit me with a round house which I parried and punched him in the stomach.
He may have been winded but he still managed to catch me off guard by tripping me with his tail and stomping on my left wing. I jumped up and uppercut him in the face and somersaulted backwards.
“Hmmm, you must be getting rusty” Brad said.
“Well I can’t help it, it was so long ago that I crushed your gang” I said with a smirk.
“You will pay for that you ignorant swine!” he barked then lunged at me.
“Gotcha” I said under my breath. I ran forward and meet him half way with my signature attack: The 100 hooves of fury I began my assault while radiating blue fire from my body and red flames from my eyes.
But Brad wasn’t having any of this, he blocked every single one of my punches, all 100.
Then he picked me up and kicked me in the face, breaking my nose, and sent me flying into the chicken coop.
He jumped straight into the dust and debris thinking I was defeated. So I grabbed his paw and held him there as I spat some blood out.
“I think you broke my nose, am I bleeding?” I ask.
“No not that I can see”
“Are you sure? I swear I can feel something” I asked as I put a hoof up too my face to see if I have any blood.
“Look, I am” as I showed him my hoof.
“Oh yeah, there it is”
“Where?”
“Right here” Brad said while pointing a paw to the side of my nose.
After I wiped it of my face I put my hoof down “Did I get it?”
“Yeah it’s gone”
“Thanks man”
“No problem… Weren’t we fighting?”
“Oh yeah” and with that I throw him in the air and flew up and shove him back down to the ground, casing a mini earthquake due to the sheer force of it.
At this point Fluttershy came outside to see what was happing…She was PISSED.
Mid fight she walked right up to us and right when I was about the brake Brad’s neck she pulled on both of our ears and pulled us both inside. Many “ow’s” and “ouch quit it” were said.
“Explain yourselves misters!” she said while giving us ‘The Stare’.
“He came up to me and started hitting me!” Brad said, the fear in his voice was clear.
“What, what is this!?” I thought to myself. “No, I’m stronger then this! I will not be broken by being glared at!”
“Listen here boy!” a REALLY angry Fluttershy said in my head. “I don’t care who the bloody hell you think you are, but in my house that don’t mean shit. Your my bitch now understand?”
At this point I felt like braking down into tears.
“His family started it by killing my dad!” I shouted out loud.
“Good, good slave” said head Fluttershy.
“Did not!” Brad said
“Liar, you did too!”
“Did not”
“Did too”
“Did not”
“Did too”
“Did not”
“Did too”
“Quit it both of you!” Fluttershy shouted. “I want both of you to hug and apologise right now!”
“But I hate him!” we both shouted.
“RIGHT…NOW…MISTER”
“Brad, I’m sorry I tried to murder you” I said reluctantly.
“And I’m sorry we killed your dad” He replied.
We then proceed to hug in the most awkward and coldest way possible.
“There don’t we feel better?” Fluttershy said with a smile on her face.
“My place, midnight we finish this” I whispered into Brad’s ear.
“Agreed” he whispered back.
4 HOURS LATER AT THE LOCAL BAR
“And that is why I am now scared of Fluttershy” I said as I proceed to down a glass of 80% proof bourbon as Dashy laid on the floor laughing his ass off, Raul was passed out, Bryan was too busy thinking about new ways to tea bag in Haylo: Reach but still managed to laugh at me and Chrysaor was laughing so hard he started chocking on his grease covered grease.
This wasn’t the first time the devilishly handsome stud of a colt had been laughed at, no, but it was the first time he knew why. The shyest thing in Ponyville made him her bitch.
“Meh” I thought “Just another day for me” as I started drinking my 5th glass of bourbon.
“Don’t worry Loose, we’ll poison their food when there not looking, make them constipated for a week” I thought.
Then out of nowhere, Pinkie Pie came from under the table and hugged me.
