Discord's Offer
"And now for the Ponyville weather report," said the announcer over the countertop radio at Sugarcube Corner. "The sky is clear and the air is nippy. Tonight is shaping up to be a brisk Nightmare Night. Peak fall leaf colors are going fast. Most of the leaves have been run to the ground, but there are a few places outside Ponyville where you can still get a glimpse of the last gasp of gold for the year."
The radio sat in a display of real pumpkins and wreaths of autumn leaves made of maroon and tangerine silk. When the weather announcement was finished, the program continued with mildly creepy violin music.
Pinkie Pie stood behind the soda counter. Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, and Fluttershy sat on stools opposite her. Pinkie dripped vanilla and violet syrups into a glass and added seltzer and a few ice cubes. She popped the cardboard cap off of the bottle of cream and slowly poured some of that in. "Here you go, Twilight."
Twilight was silently reading to herself from a ghost story book she held up in one hoof. Without looking up, with her other hoof she brought the soda over to herself, stirred it lightly with a straw, and took a sip.
Fluttershy daintily nibbled a slice of lemon sponge cake. The usual recipe at Sugarcube Corner had been embellished with orange sugar spiders. Fluttershy had carefully removed the spiders with her fork and placed them on the edge of her plate.
"Are you going to eat those?" asked Rainbow.
"I'm saving them for last," replied Fluttershy.
"I could eat them if you're not going to," said Rainbow. "My cider didn't come with any."
"We've got millions of sugar spiders back here behind the counter, Rainbow," said Pinkie, and she piled a hoof-full in front of her friend. Rainbow crunched a few contentedly.
"I could use some spiders," said Miss Cheerilee, who was seated by herself at a small table in the middle of the shop. "My pistachio parfait didn't come with any, either." She walked over to the counter and received a paper cupful of spiders to take back to her table.
Rainbow slid her mug across the counter. “Fill me up, party pony.” Pinkie Pie took the mug and refilled it with mulled cider. The original cinnamon stick from Rainbow's first mugful would continue to give it a strong flavor, but Rainbow had eaten the orange slice. Pinkie added a new one on the lip of the mug and gave her the mug back.
Pinkie Pie did all of this without a smile. Mrs. Cake, passing behind the soda counter on her way to the bakery case, gestured at the corner of her own mouth with a little upsweep of her hoof. Pinkie responded to the prompting with a wobbly crinkling at the corners of her own lips.
"Why so glum?" asked Rainbow Dash.
"It's Nightmare Night," answered Pinkie.
"Why in the world would that make you glum?"
Pinkie Pie could not hear the word glum twice in a row without realizing that it rhymed with sugarplum. She reached up on a shelf behind her and took down a jar of hard-panned sugarplum candies with spicy nut centers and crunched one, frowning.
"Is this still about Club Skewbald?" asked Rainbow.
Pinkie narrowed one eye and gave a small snort. She was still chewing her candy, so she couldn't give a full-on snort. She swallowed the candy, nodded, and said: "Me. Me! The town's premier party pony, and even I can't get inside."
"It's not like it's anything personal against you." Rainbow Dash was wisely philosophical on these matters when they didn't apply to her.
Pinkie Pie's pink face turned red in her indignance. "It's still not fair!"
Rainbow shrugged and sipped her Sugarcube Corner Seasonal Spiced Cider. "You'll never get in. Nobody can. You might as well just enjoy your Nightmare Night somewhere else."
"Somewhere else? Somewhere else!? There is nowhere else on Nightmare Night! Club Skewbald is the first most rowdiest place in Ponyville! Sugarcube corner is only the second most rowdiest. I refuse to sit here, being only second-most rowdy, all. Night. Long. If you don't want to be rowdy on Nightmare Night that's fine, but I intend to be rowdy, I intend to be boisterous, I intend to border on downright disorderly."
Without looking up from her ghost story, Twilight said, "'First most rowdiest' is redundant and incorrect. You only need to say ‘rowdiest.’"
Miss Cheerilee chimed in from her table. "Twilight is correct. As I tell my pupils, 'Say what you mean and mean what you say, with clearness and brevity every day.'"
Pinkie Pie's left eyebrow twitched up. "Just enjoy your treats, both of you."
"So the big, fun plan for Nightmare Night is to admit defeat?" asked Rainbow. "Are you saying that you're not going to be boisterous unless you can get inside that exclusive club?"
"How can I boister at my full potential when my Pinkie sense will be trying to urge me toward the partyingest place of all? Club Skewbald is rambunctious on a regular night. On Nightmare Night it will be downright unruly!"
"Why don't we just compete with Club Skewbald and make our own party the rowdiest of all? Surely we can get into more trouble on our own than at some stupid club."
"Sour grapes," Fluttershy said quickly and quietly, and then she ate another bite of cake.
"Discord said that he can get in," said Pinkie. "And he said that he can get me in."
"But nobody can get into that place," said Rainbow.
"Oh, I'm sure he can do it, if he said he can," Fluttershy softly asserted. She dabbed her lips with a napkin and took another bite of cake.
"Well, hay, if he can get Pinkie in, then I want in," said Rainbow.
"It's not that simple," said Pinkie. "Discord said he would get me in on one condition."
"Oh, brother," said Rainbow.
"Oh dear," said Fluttershy. "What did he ask you to do?"
"As conditions go, it's not the worst, but it's not the way I wanted to spend my Nightmare Night. Not this year, anyway."
"These spiders are only made of sugar, right?" asked Miss Cheerilee.
"Yep!" said Pinkie.
"Okay, must be my imagination," said Miss Cheerilee.
A suggestion of movement from the bucket of orange candy spiders behind the counter drew Pinkie Pie's eye. She watched, and could not be certain that it was only her imagination how the spiders seemed to crawl out from the center of their own number, shifting layers from bottom to top. But then, they were all identical, so which ones had been on the bottom and which on the top before was difficult to discern. The effect could have been caused by the sugar spiders settling, since she had scooped some out recently. Pinkie cautiously dipped a hoof into the bucket. Nothing happened. Then she noticed that one of the spiders that had been on Fluttershy's plate was now on the counter. It could have just been bumped there by Fluttershy's fork, but Fluttershy was usually a very neat eater.
The doorbell jingled and drew Pinkie Pie's attention. A palomino stallion walked in. "Hey, Copper Coin," said Pinkie, her customer service cheer coming to the fore in spite of potentially mysteriously moving spiders and a potentially non-rowdy Nightmare Night. "What'll it be?"
Copper Coin came over to the soda counter. "Peach soda in a to-go cup, please."
"You got it." Pinkie dispensed the soda water into a striped paper cup, picked up the peach syrup bottle and started to drizzle it in, but instead of peach syrup, out poured Discord.
At the same time, the bucketful of spiders poured up from behind the counter, making sounds like sleet with their hard-sugar feet.
The Lord of Chaos let out a booming, maniacal laugh, accompanied by thunder and lightning. He exulted toward the ceiling with his claws held high and the blood-red of his irises streaming from his eyes and down his cheeks. "Bask in the glory of chaos!"
Copper Coin screamed and fled Sugarcube Corner, doorbell jingling in his wake.
Sugar spiders skittered and scattered every which way. Over at her table, Miss Cheerilee was frantically rubbing at her muzzle. Two or more spiders had started to make their way up her nostrils.
Discord finished roaring, bleeding, and being covered in spiders, glanced from one to another of the pony faces at the counter and finally at Pinkie. Every face was frowning, and Pinkie was tapping one rear hoof.
Discord dropped his arms and drooped out of his exultant pose. "Fine. I'll go apologize."
The draconequus folded himself in half the long way, pressed the crease, and tore himself into two. Half of him traipsed sulkily on one foot across the floor toward the door.
Rainbow Dash called after him, "You can't just do anything that you want to do and then undo it every time with an apology."
The half of Discord at the door with his claw on the handle turned and said over his shoulder, "Don't be sore, Rainbow Dash, just because it doesn't work that way for you."
Rainbow blew a raspberry after him. Then she picked up one of the crawling spiders, examined it, and ate it. "Yep, still sugar."
"I'm not sure I can eat them now," said Fluttershy.
"You're fine, dear," said the half of Discord which had stayed behind—the antler and lion's paw half. "As Rainbow says, the creatures are nothing but animated sugar. Here, I'll make yours sit still."
Fluttershy's share of orange spiders crumpled, and their legs curled in a disquieting show of realistic demise. Fluttershy held one up on her hoof and peered at it, then gave it a lick. It wiggled, she shrieked, and Discord chuckled.
"Discord!"
"Sorry, dear, just a little Nightmare Night prank. I promise it is delectable inanimate sugar now."
Still, Fluttershy set that particular spider on the counter and ate another instead.
Discord addressed Pinkie. "I came by to ask if you've given any more thought to my offer."
"I've thought about it," she admitted. "Bobbing for apples is as rowdy as Sugarcube Corner gets. Nightmare Night should be at least a little bit scary, and bobbing for apples is not terrifying at all. Although it does spice up that game to put Gummy in the barrel without warning anypony there'll be an alligator under the apples—but I only did that once, and the Cakes asked me not to do it again."
"I would put an alligator under apples any old time I wanted to," Discord bragged.
"No doubt you would," Twilight said dryly.
Pinkie said, "I heard you can't even take an apple into Club Skewbald."
"It would be difficult," said Discord, stroking his half-beard.
"Still, my whole part in your deal sounds really lame," said Pinkie.
Discord shuffled himself boredly. "Come on. You call yourself a party pony. Besides, you said you would."
"That was a metaphor, Discord! It's not meant to be taken literally!"
"Oh, really? This is you." The half of Discord became half of Pinkie Pie and squeaked passionately, "'I would literally die to get into that place!'"
Twilight said, “Wait a minute. Exactly what kind of a deal are you two discussing?”
Pinkie ignored her and shouted indignantly at Discord, "That kind of literally isn't meant to be taken literally!"
From Miss Cheerilee's table came the judgmental sound of a clicking tongue. Pinkie looked over, and the teacher was giving her a knowing look.
Pinkie Pie insisted, "Well, it isn't!"
"Anyway," said Miss Cheerilee, "I should be going. There'll be trick-or-treating at the school. Happy Nightmare Night, everyone!"
"Happy Nightmare Night to you, too!" Pinkie responded, her cheerfulness restored. "Don't forget to take a lollipop from the bowl by the door!"
Miss Cheerilee plucked one out, held it up and waved it on her way out the door.
As the schoolteacher went out, the impersonated half-Pinkie turned back into half of a draconequus, and the other half of Discord came back through the door with Copper Coin under his arm. The pony wore an expression between mollified and intimidated. Discord's eagle foot gently placed the customer on a stool by the soda fountain and gave him a pat. "Put his tab on me, Pinkie." All of Discord came together into a white swirl that transformed into a receipt pad on the counter.
"Thank you, Mr. Lord Discord, Sir," said Copper Coin.
Pinkie gave the palomino pony his proper to-go peach soda, without any chaos in it this time. Copper Coin hopped down off the stool and departed, sipping it.
"What do I owe you for his drink?" the receipt pad asked. "How about a free ride over to Club Skewbald?"
"I still haven't made up my mind," said Pinkie.
"Think how much fun I'll have. It would be good for you ponies to do something nice for me for a change. You're always making me do silly stuff like 'sit still' and 'be nice' and 'obey gravity'." Discord scrawled "IOU" on himself, then grew out of the receipt pad, scattering the IOU and blank sheets everywhere, and lounged on the counter in his full size.
"We hardly ever make you obey gravity."
"Come on, just this once, for me. I promise it'll be worthwhile.”
Pinkie Pie plucked the IOU out of the wreaths of silk leaves and held it up to show Discord. "Real bits, please."
"Fine." He developed a pocket and from it drew two shining coins. "These are pure gold, stamped with Luna's and Celestia's faces. Eighteen hundred years old."
"What if I'm too tired to be rowdy at the club afterward? And those are more than I need."
"These are all I have. Everything else is too chaotic for ponies to spend. Call the excess a tip. And you won't be. It will be refreshing, I promise."
Pinkie said, "All right, fine. I'll do it." And she accepted Discord's coins.
"Wonderful!"
"Just let me put my Nightmare Night costume on first, so I'm ready to party afterward!" Pinkie Pie put the ancient gold coins into the cash register for safekeeping. Then she, Rainbow Dash, and Twilight all put on their costumes.
Pinkie Pie put on a big, curly pink wig and taped on a cutie mark exactly matching her own, over her real cutie mark. Then she pulled a second big, curly pink wig out of her first curly pink wig, and pulled that on over the first. It threatened to bounce off of her now doubled layer of floofy, bouncy mane. She tied it under her chin with pink string. Then she took out a sticker made to look like her cutie mark and pasted it on over the taped-on second cutie mark.
"Even I have to ask," said Discord. "What are you going as?"
"I'm going as myself going as myself for Nightmare Night! Nobody'll ever guess it's me under the costume! And even if they do, they still won't guess that it's me."
Twilight said, "But won't everypony's first guess be that it's Pinkie Pie?
"Sure, but that will be guessing what the costume is. It proves nothing about who's wearing it. They would have to guess three times, and nopony ever thinks of doing that. And even if somepony did, they would have to get the third guess right. It's the perfect crime. What are you going as, Rainbow? A geometric birthday cake?"
Rainbow Dash wore linen barding painted haphazardly in colorful diamond shapes. “That’s a good guess, but it’s not what I was going for. I was hoping it would be obvious. Shiny paint would have made it better, but I didn’t have any.”
"Are you some kind of Harlequin pony?" Fluttershy asked.
"It's supposed to make me look like a Crystal Pony," explained Rainbow.
"Allow me," said Discord. Faster than a blink—as if it had already been done a moment before—Rainbow's outfit was decorated all over with paper-thin plates of pastel crystal.
"Whoa! You've made my costume, like—"
"One hundred percent cooler?" suggested Discord.
"If you round up," Rainbow agreed generously.
Twilight was dressed as a ghost, in a sheet with holes cut into it for her eyes and nostrils. She got it all draped into place with Fluttershy's help and tried it out. "Boo!" Twilight said, evidently pleased with herself.
"Are you really going in that old boo sheet?" asked Rainbow.
"What's wrong with it?" Twilight asked. "It's a little frayed around the edges and there are some threadbare spots, but that just makes it spookier."
"Come on, Twilight, it's the same boo sheet year after year."
"It's a classic," said Twilight, beginning to gain an edge to her voice, muffled though it was beneath the sheet. "I'm sorry if you don't like it, Rainbow Dash, but you're just going to have to put up with my boo sheet."
Rainbow rolled in the air with laughter. Fluttershy smiled, and eventually, after time to let the pun sink in, even Twilight tittered.
"That's enough merriment occasioned by somepony other than me," said Discord.
"What are you going as, Discord?" Fluttershy asked.
He gave her a flat look. "As the Spirit of Chaos, my dear."
"Of course, I should have guessed," Fluttershy said meekly.
"And as the life of the party," Discord added in a more expansive tone. "Pinkie Pie will play opposite me. Pinkie Pie, are you ready now?"
Pinkie nodded.
Discord snapped his claws, and in a flash, Pinkie Pie died.
The pink party pony sprawled half across the counter, and her friends, at first mildly startled, recovered from that and regarded her with some ambivalence.
"Discord, do you know what you're doing?" asked Twilight.
"Don't I always?" Discord pulled a black sheet of cardboard from behind his back and folded it, tucking tabs into slots, until it was a pony-sized casket. He flung Pinkie Pie into it and stapled the lid. "Who wants to sign the coffin?"
"What the hay." Rainbow shrugged and signed her cutie mark with the pieces of colored chalk Discord provided.
Fluttershy and Twilight signed the black cardboard with their cutie marks, too, and Discord finished it off with his own name in white chalk with plenty of flourishes and the inscription, "Rest in chaos until you rise again at Club Skewbald." Then Discord became six of himself and bore the cardboard casket out the door of Sugarcube Corner.
Mrs. Cake called from behind the bakery case before they were out of sight, "Don't forget, Discord, Pinkie begins work tomorrow at five in the morning."
"No worries, little Mrs. Baker Pony," Discord called back. "She'll be on the dot."
A tiny foal had been watching through the window when Discord lifted Pinkie's limp form into the casket. Now the foal watched the march to a carriage hearse which popped into existence at the curb. He turned to his mother. "Mama, did Pinkie Pie dieded?"
"No, dear. She's fine. If Pinkie Pie had really died, there would be helium balloons attached to the casket as pallbearers."
The foal silently watched the casket being loaded into the back of the ebony carriage, then burst into tears.
"Oh, honey." His mother wiped his face for him. "I told you she's fine. It'll be okay, it's just Discord."
"But I wanted to see balloons!"
A streetlamp skittered toward them, using its black iron base as feet. Mother and foal startled and shied toward the curb. The lightpole bowed out and snaked around the foal's pastern. He shouted and jumped, and his mother tried to kick the impossible lamppost away. The metal post became as thin and bendy as a string and tied itself in a neat bow at the foal's pastern, and the lantern up on top rounded out and bobbed serenely above his head.
The foal looked up at it, and then down at the black iron ribbon bow. He sniffled once and settled down, consoled. His mother was wild-eyed and frazzled for a few moments, then gave her contented youngster a tender smile and accepted the scenario with a shrug.
The hearse drew away from the curb, pulled by two solemn Discords wearing shining black and silver harness and blinkers, with glorious fluffy black plumes standing up at their polls.
Fluttershy walked alongside one of the majestic harness Discords. "Is she only playing dead, or…"
"She's really dead, of course," replied Discord. "Otherwise this would be a pretend funeral, and I wanted to put on a real one."
"If she's really dead, shouldn't we wear mourning?"
Instantaneously Fluttershy was tastefully clad in a black dress with a ruffled skirt and a black lace mantilla over her ears and mane. Velvety midnight roses decorated a collar at her chest and she had black lipstick and black hoof polish.
"Fluttershy can wear black if she wants to," said Rainbow Dash. "I'm keeping my crystal costume."
The procession started up the street. Twilight Sparkle fell in step next to the off carriage-Discord and Fluttershy walked on the near side, with Rainbow flapping along above Twilight.
Spots of the street's surface in front of them distorted and crumbled, and when the street smoothed out again new Discords had grown from it. They were dressed in suits with colorful neckties and black top hats. One of these Discords took his horn from his head and with a flick of his fingers shaped it into a trumpet. Another picked a third Discord out of his pocket, shook him out like a handkerchief, and stretched him into a circle, and that Discord became his own stretched hide on a round frame. Discord played himself on the drum with drumsticks made of his own antler. He played a solemn dirge, with a thread of discordance that gave listening ponies on the sidewalk the shivers.