It's not easy to hide from yourself. Espiecially when you're a perfect clone of somepony else. But Detective Pinkamena or 'Pink' has more than an extential crisis to deal with now with S.M.I.L.E. agents on their way to secure her as a rogue anomoly.
It's been five years since the 'Too Many Pinkie's' incident, and despite Twilight Sparkle and co disposing of the clones one still remained. Her name is Detective Pinkamena, or 'Pink' for short. After a life on the run and foraging a life and career for herself in the Manehattan Police Department and climbing through the ranks and becoming a Detective. Pinkamena now lives a life separate from her original counterpart.
Until now. The past has a way of rearing it's ugly head in and it has a face and name to go with it. S.M.I.L.E. agent Sweetie Drops or 'Bon Bon' as she goes by now. Tasked by Celestia herself to contain the anomaly Agent Drops is now tasked with detaining Detective Pink.
Manehattan, ‘the big apple’ as some folks call it. I remember when I first entered the pristine utopia of a city.
I’m a simple mare; I don’t have much going on. I’m a perfect copy of the Element of Laughter, and I’m the top detective of the MHPD. I also make a pretty good cake, too.
Like my counterpart, I have the ability to tear the fabric of reality whenever it suits me, usually for comedic effect. However, unlike her, I reside in the confines of a story with walls made of sentences, and chains of commas, periods, and other punctuation only Twilight could fully understand...or care about.
But inside this domain, built from thousands of letters and phrases, I find myself at the mercy of the 'narrator' at times. I see their descriptions and actions, All of which are referred to in the third person. Not me, though; I'm my own mare.
"I sit in my quiet little office, the moon’s gentle beams of light slipping through the tiny gaps in the blinds; spanning these ribbons of light across my desk as if Luna was throwing a gentle smile at me."
I can’t help but think of the foggy collection of memories I have of my other, the original Pinkie Pie. Memories of her entanglement with the Mistress of the Night.
I can’t help but wonder, is it truly memories that make the mare?
There’s a strange chill that dances up my spine as I let a tiny tuff of air escape my lips.
"Golly! Must be a draft in here! Hehe,” I quickly cover my maul as I wretch at the horrible sound that escapes my lips as I force myself to ‘come alive.’
I push air down my throat as I hold my breath and mentally prepare my voice to change as I clear and cough through a stiff hoof.
“I mean… that’s some chill… coulda sworn I closed the window.” I chewed.
There’s a gentle rapping on the door. A strange mare enters my office, wearing what appears to be a trench coat, fedora, and a pair of shades masking her eyes, the collar of her jacket concealing her face from view.
She had her head bowed with the brim of her hat shielding her from my gaze.
“Uh…toots, do you have an appointment or something?” I resist the urge to call her silly.
“No, I don’t, but you have an appointment with me.” The mare replied, looking up at the earth pony with distrust. “I’m a special agent of the organization S.M.I.L.E. tasked with finding monsters and other anomalous creatures, and I’ve been made aware of your presence.”
Stepping closer to the desk, the mare pulled something out of her trench coat, slipping it onto her desk. It turned out to be a folder, which the pony flipped open to reveal photos. Many, many pictures and files of very familiar pink mares. If one wasn’t paying attention, they’d simply think it was a group of twins. But no one mare could have that many fillies…
“Does this seem familiar to you?” The mare cocked a brow, awaiting the detective’s response.
Mare is wiry as Twilight Sparkle…
I stare at the collage of photos resting on my desk, my past presented in undeniable physical evidence.
I think I need a lawyer.
I slowly swallow a wad of spit as I feel my lip quiver, “I…plead the fifth.”
The mare sighed from her nostrils, giving the detective a look that cut right through her. “I don’t think it’s going to be that simple, Pinkie Pie… or should I say, her clone?”
Walking around the desk, the mare pulled off her sunglasses, revealing her bright teal eyes. “My organization reaches beyond the normal police or even the Royal Guard. S.M.I.L.E. agents are employed by Princess Celestia herself. I’m afraid you’re going to have to come with me. Please don’t make this difficult.”
How can the fuzz arrest the fuzz!? I gotta think fast, put her on her metaphorical toes.
“... It’s Pinkamena, and is this some sort of commentary on the abuse of personal freedoms in the name of executing justice? Why did ya have to go and make it political!”
The mysterious mare blinked, “Huh? No, this isn’t about….”
“Listen to me clearly, er, Pinkamena…” The mare took off her hat, revealing her pink and blue curly mane. “I’m afraid that I can’t bend any rules on this. I’m going to need you to come with me… you might be unstable, like the others.”
“I know my rights; I haven’t broke no law. I’m a well-respected member of civil society, not to mention….” I quickly show that dunce my badge.
“I’m one of Manehattan’s finest Detectives!”
“I’ve heard you were a detective, but I’m skeptical of your capability. Regardless, I still need to bring you in for questioning.” She sighed, pulling out her own badge that displayed the S.M.I.L.E. insignia. “My name is Special Agent Sweetie Drops, and I’ve been assigned to your case.”
“You might as well sit down. We can discuss this here if it makes you more comfortable. Either way, we need to speak.” She relented, gesturing a hoof to the chairs.
“You’re not slapping me in cuffs; let’s get that straight, and I’m keeping my rubber chicken.”
The nerve of this dame; I can’t believe I have to be treated like a criminal because of some dubious organization with rights that tower over the people and even law enforcement.
Hey, maybe this is gettin’ kinda political; I think I need to break this up with something… where’s my comedic relief?
“We’ll see about that.” Sweetie Drops replied humorlessly, sitting herself down in the chair opposite of Pinkamena’s. “Now, how about we go over your origins?”
“You appeared to have come from Ponyville, one of the clones from the Mirror Pool, correct?” Sweetie Drops twisted the folder around to face her, flipping through the photos and pages.
“Apparently, in the chaos, you managed to slip away… until now. Several ponies have noticed a very suspiciously familiar-looking pink mare, and you fit the bill. From the ponies I’ve talked to, it seems like you just… mysteriously appeared out of nowhere.”
“What can I say? Oh, I know. The word coincidence comes to mind. Maybe I just look like Pinkie Pie. Perhaps, I dunno. I had a career as an impersonator for filly’s and colt’s birthday bashes.” I say with a disgruntled huff, the nerve of these S.M.I.L.E. mares and their overeach!
What a tub of lies, but most ponies are gullible enough to take a bull-faced lie if you’re confident enough…
“Those clones and my existence are merely happenstance; besides, I have my own IDs, badges, and documentation. The birthdate, it’s all there. Also, I want a lawyer!”
“Yes, yes, I’ve already taken a look through your documentation. I’m not sure who you managed to get these fakes from, but they’re very convincing.” Sweetie Drops nodded, “And I suppose it’s just a coincidence that you happen to have her very same cutie mark? Do you know how exceptionally rare that is?”
I feel my naturally pink aura darken; I can feel a fire light up beneath my heels as I slam my hooves against my desk.
“Lawyer!” I say finally, “I want Paul Hoofman!”
Sweetie Drops sighed, relaxing into her seat as she raked a hoof through her mane.
“Listen, I know this is upsetting, but this isn’t something we’re going to court over. Princess Celestia herself has sent me on a mission to either take you with me or to… neutralize you. I think you’d prefer the first option.”
While that cooky cop was in the middle of speaking, I began dialing the phone on my desk, but my hooves were too big to press the tiny numbers! Why in Equestria would they design the buttons so small!
However, I am dedicated, and with incredible speed and accuracy, I managed to dial my lawyer.
I hear Paul’s voice from the other side of the speaker; he sounds dazed, as if I pulled him out of a deep slumber.
“Law offices of Paul Hoofman….” yawned the voice.
“Do you have any legal advice on S.M.I.L.E. agents?” I press.
Sweetie Drops leaned over and pressed on the receiver, ending the call immediately.
“Ms. Pinkamena, I wouldn’t advise doing that. We are already going to erase the few bits of evidence you ever existed. I’d rather not have to make a report that ponies need their memories cleaned too.”
Well, I might as well muddy the waters; I have exhausted all legal options! Time to abuse my power as a cop for my own benefit!
“.... You’re under arrest.”
“I believe I outrank you in that regard.” Sweetie Drops blinked, not even giving a second of hesitation in her voice. “I realize this is scary for you, but please stay calm. I’m not going to hurt you, so long as you don’t give me a reason.”
“Now, can I at least ask you why detective work? Why not just become another party planner?” The mare cocked her head, tapping her hooves together in thought.
There was a small clicking sound and a slight weight on Sweetie’s hooves; looking downward, she realized she was cuffed, and not to mention stripped of her gadgets.
I twirl her that dame’s badge on my nose as I begin reading the information labeled on the pristine index card tucked away in fine faux leather.
“So…you really are a S.M.I.L.E. agent, go figure. I thought you a corrupted DA trying to snuff me out or one of those Soda Popper boys….” I huff.
Sweetie Drop’s eyes widened slightly, yet she quickly sat back in her seat, raising a brow.
“So, what are you going to do now?”
I shrug.
“Maybe I’ll go pay Lyra a visit, show her a REAL party,” I say suggestively, pairing my crude thinly veiled threat/advance with a wink.
Sweetie Drop sneered, and with one quick motion, the hoofcuffs came off. There was one thing that Pinkamena had missed, and it was the belt around her waist. Her utility belt, as it were, held a few lockpicks within them, and she never left home on a mission without it.
“I’d say I could rearrange your face for you, so you won’t look like Pinkie Pie anymore.” The agent got up, shoving the chair aside.
“Let’s try to keep an E rating here, people!” Says I.
Enough of that smut stuff to fill an entire library… anyway, I proceed to clonk that ritzy dame with my stool, ripping it from underneath my rump while hanging in the air like a canary being chased by a cat!
Unfortunately, only half of what the mare described actually happened… Pinkamena… fell onto the floor and collided against the hardwood floor as the chair she attempted to pick up was flung into the air, crashing into Sweetie Drops and sending her to the ground as well.
“Boy…physics and that third-person narrator sure like to rear their ugly head in whenever they want…right Bon Bon and slash or Sweetie Drops?”
“How do you know….” Sweetie Drops rubbed her head as she struggled to her hooves, “... that my other name is Bon Bon…? You don’t have Pinkie’s memories, do you?”
“It’s all a hodgepodge of her memories, mixed in with a bunch of information from an unseen untouched part of the universe.” I say, tapping my temple with my left hoof. I can feel all the knowledge of my other self's memories whirl inside my noodle as the otherworldly knowledge clashes and collides like a carriage crash on the freeway.
Sweetie Drops rolled her eyes as she got up and grabbed her belongings from the desk, giving the mare a stink eye. “Regardless, I’m not just letting you go, especially now that you know my secret identity.”
“Now, are you going to come with me willingly, or not?”
“So let me get this straight, you want to mess with the perfect clone of Pinkie Pie, the same pony who makes Discord second guess himself? Not to mention the fact that I am a potentially hostile anomaly that knows your name, your lover, and where you live?”
“Now, I’m not a criminal genius, but if this wasn’t a light-hearted comedy story, this could be a different kind of story starring Pinkamena.”
Sweetie Drops/Bon Bon shrugged, locking eyes with the pink mare.
“I’ve faced worst odds. It’s my job, after all.” She dragged a hoof against the floor, readying herself for a potential fight, “Now, are you going to cooperate?”
I’m at a loss; this girl, this mare, is completely out of her mind! That or really confident… or stupid. Am I really going to have to fight this S.M.I.L.E agent over my identity?
Oh boy, another existential nightmare.
“...Buy me dinner first.” I blab.
Bon Bon sighed and rolled her eyes. “Alright, the hard way then.”
Whipping out something she had grabbed from the desk, she sprayed a mysterious canister in the detective’s face, the effect becoming instantaneous. The pink mare could not stop herself from coughing, feeling sudden dizziness overtaking her.
Feels like I got hit with the dizzies; gotta make one… last… movement. Must keep a grip on… reality…
The pink mare stumbled back into the window before quickly flinging herself through the window, shattering through the glass as Pinkamena defenestrated herself.
Splatting on the ground like a pile of pink putty on the pavement. But appearing to be generally unharmed.
Bon Bon rushed over to the window, looking down at the pink mare with fear and shock at the sudden fall. She knew she would have to act fast… running down the several flights of stairs up to Pinkamena’s office, the earth pony shoved her way through the crowd surrounding the detective.
“Police, coming through, please vacate the area!” Bon Bon waved her badge around, far too fast for anypony to recognize its emblem.
Turning to the mare plastered against the street, Bon Bon checked her vitals, just in case. Bon Bon let out a small sigh of relief and thanked Celestia that Pinkie and her clones seemed to be made of rubber.
Pressing a button to an earpiece, Bon Bon whispered into a receiver. “Subject captured, need pick-up… and a cover story.”
Things quickly turned against Bon Bon as a group of local cops galloped over, seeming to appear out of nowhere.
“Oh no, not again!” groaned the chief.
“Heh, somepony’s been hitting the cider again!” chuckled a deputy.
“Hey, relax greenhorn,” sighed another officer, “Pink here can take a lot of damage, you should see her at traffic stops.”
The chief patted Bon Bon on the shoulder, “Great reflexes though, kid. Alright, fellas, let’s take her to the office and make sure she doesn’t sleepwalk into traffic….”
The stallions quickly hoisted Pinkamena on their backs as they trotted into the police department that was conveniently across the street from Pinkamena’s office and apartment.
Bon Bon could’ve sworn those cops and the entire department building weren’t there, it was as if they were fabricated the second the mysterious mare was in danger.
The secret agent spat on the ground in frustration, giving the police ponies a sour look before pressing the button to her receiver again, “Scratch that; I’ve been intercepted.”
Trotting to follow the stallions into the station, Bon Bon kept herself wary, trying not to bring attention to herself as she followed them into the back.
The department was standard fare for a major city, with plenty of busy lawponies and civil servants managing the greater society as a whole. The group of officer ponies took the detective into a jail cell, putting the mare into a rather cushy cell.
Trotting over to the ponies who had just put the mare to sleep, Bon Bon cleared her throat and decided to start asking a few questions. “Excuse me, I don’t mean to interrupt anything, but could I ask a few questions about her?” She pointed to Pinkamena through the bars.
“Just wondering how you know her.”
The chief laughed, “How new are you? Literally, everypony knows Detective Pink, she’s been a staple since she joined the Manehattan PD years ago.”
“My apologies, sir, transfer from Ponyville.” Bon Bon responded smoothly, not letting it trip her up, “How many years ago? I just ask because she seems very familiar….”
“No, duh, she looks exactly like Pinkie Pie, but don’t mention that fact to her, or she’ll flip,” warned a deputy, “But uh… I dunno, maybe three or five years ago.”
The chief sighed, “Either way, she’s harmless and an important asset to our team. The way she solved that bakery robbery, genius!”
“So you don’t find it strange that she looks exactly like Pinkie Pie? You haven’t even considered that she might be some sort of changeling?” Bon Bon prodded gently.
At least the years matched up, it had been a while since the Clone incident. She was surprised they didn’t find the hyperactive pink escapee sooner.
The chief nodded, “Well, we thought she was a Changeling, but she provided legally verified ids and documentation. She’s just, what do you call it… a doppelgänger, and it’s completely coincidental.”
Bon Bon subtly rolled her eyes and sighed through her nose, “I suppose so. Sorry if I’m so interested, but… what was that about a bakery robbery?”
“Somebody stole a red velvet cake and about two-thousand bits. She literally sniffed out the perp and tracked down the suspect. Apparently, they had a frosting stain on their mouth…did I mention the said criminal was several miles away from the crime scene?”
“Somepony stole… a cake.” Bon Bon couldn’t help but wipe a hoof across her face. Of course, they would steal a cake… the bits she wasn’t surprised. Neither was she surprised by Pinkamena’s enhanced sense of smell. “Why would anypony steal a CAKE if the main goal was the bits?”
“Apparently, they were hungry after robbing the store. Their words, not mine.” chuckled the chief, “Anyway, why don’t you talk to her yourself when she wakes up, I’m sure she’ll warm up to you in no time. Don’t let the gruff attitude fool you.”
“Riiiiight…” Bon Bon replied, taking that as her moment to leave. “I’ll do that. I’m just going to get a snack, then get back to work.”
A donut sounded good right about now, and she could smell the sweet confections from another room close by. Coffee wouldn’t hurt either; it would take a while, more or less, for the spray she used on the detective to wear off. Then again, this WAS Pinkie Pie.
After getting a small snack and taking a break, Bon Bon returned to the cell the detective was being held in, checking to see if she had awoken from her slumber.
Pinkamena was wide awake in her cell, sitting comfortably as she helped herself to a large box of donuts.
Hey, I bought them; I bought everypony else a large box to share!
“Oh, hello,” I say to the S.M.I.L.E.-ING snake.
“You’re finally awake. Did you really have to throw yourself out a window, or did you do that just to spite me?” Bon Bon gave the pink mare an unamused look, her brow narrowing as she fought off the urge to curse.
“You do realize you’re just making this more difficult for yourself, and for them too.” She gestured to the police officers.
Pinkamena crossed her front legs as she raised a brow at the agent, “I’ll keep digging my heels until you leave. You can’t get me if I’m working, not with witnesses and people who will stop you.”
Bon Bon gnashed her teeth, “You can’t stay here forever, and I’ve been given the authority to do whatever is necessary to take you in. You’re not safe, just safer.” The mare turned and left, her mind racing to prepare and plan for later.
She was right; I wasn’t completely safe in the walls of the police department. Ironic that I created this metaphorical prison for myself as I sit in a jail cell. However, this agent of S.M.I.L.E. won’t beat me. Because I’m not like anything, she’s ever entangled herself with.
I take a large bite out of a donut as I take a long swig of the bitter dark brew that is irony… and coffee.
Rimmy McBill is just your average lawyer and run-of-the-mill attorney, or better known as Paul Hoofman. Got a problem? Well, Better call Paul as his dozens of billboards and paper ads would parrot.
The lawyer sat in the cozy little office of his business comfortably near a strip mall by the suburbs.
The blue unicorn adjusted his plaid tie, pink dress shirt collar, and grey suit jacket as he looked at himself in the mirror, smiling confidently as he began to examine himself.
"It's showtime baby, mmhm…" he'd flick his mane as he summoned a pair of magic hands, snapping at his reflection, "Injured? Good…! Nah… makes it sound like I want ponies to get hurt…."
A soft beep disturbs this display of egotism: "Mr. Hoofman, there's a S.M.I.L.E. agent here to see you."
"... Tell her I'm busy!" The stallion quickly rushed over to his desk, swinging the drawer open at his many bottles of illegally manufactured spell phones, "Really busy!"
The stallion lifted the bottles and smashed them against the wall before promptly sweeping up the shattered glass and disposing of the debris.
"Just remember your rights; remember your education at the University of Amareican Samoeah."
There was a polite knock at the door before an earth pony mare stepped in, clad in a hat, trenchcoat, and sunglasses that obscured almost everything about her person. She scanned the room before noticing the shards of glass on the floor, cocking an eyebrow at the lawyer.
"Clever, but you're leaving plenty of evidence behind." The mare couldn't help the smirk on her lips as she stepped closer, analyzing the office.
"And what gaudy decor, what is this, the Equestrian Bill of Rights?" She pointed to the mural behind him, nearly snickering. "I'm surprised you get any clients with that behind you."
"Although, then again, your clients aren't usually the kind that care for such a thing, hm?" She cocked her head before sitting down, gesturing for the unicorn to do the same.
"Please, relax; I'm not going to hurt you. First and foremost, I want information. Your other… activities don't interest me in the least, and I promise you, we know ALL about them."
Her expression didn't give anything away, but the tone of her voice told the stallion she wasn't lying.
"Other activities? Ma'am, I don't have the slightest idea what you are talking about. I mean, I used to specialize in elder law, and let me tell you, the only activity I know besides my line of work is bingo and water polo with a side of applesauce." he'd chuckle, giving the smiling agent his best smile.
He'd slowly trot over to his desk as he casually began shredding papers.
"I'm Paul, real name is Rimmy, y'know how marketing is heh… or maybe you don't, considering you're part of some sort of spooky shadow agency that fuels a bunch of crackpots."
The agent cocked a brow, gesturing to the documents he was shredding, "And I don't suppose that has anything to do with what I was just speaking about? Honestly, Rimmy, if I can call you that… let's be entirely frank here."
"I have no interest in your illegal business, and I don't care to arrest you for it or charge you. I am here for information about a client of yours. Once we have that business settled, I shall take my leave, and you will never hear from my organization again…."
She paused for a brief moment, "That is, so long as you keep your nose clean of anything… anomalous in the future."
"Now, what can you tell me about your client, the Detective… Pink." The agent pulled a folder out of her coat and laid it on the desk.
"All of her documentation leads back to you and your agency, I might add. Very clever taking it through other channels, but me and my ponies are quite… adept at seeing through such shenanigans."
"Woah, woah, woah. Do you realize that breaches attorney-client privilege? I can't disclose anything of substance to you! Besides, agent Pink and I haven't done business in years. Do you honestly expect me to keep all of her personal paperwork? All I did was help her acquire copies of already existing documentation."
"Already existing documentation." The agent parroted back before flipping through the folder, pointing at pages that were obviously copies of said documentation.
"Really? Because these were only circulated about four or five years ago and have no connection to the real Pinkamena Diane Pie. What you're doing isn't even identity theft; technically, it would be akin to giving false documents to an immigrant."
"But that doesn't concern me. What I want to know is what you already have inside your head. I want to know how you met this Detective. I want to know how and why you do the things necessary to keep her hidden."
The mare adjusted her sunglasses, just a hint of steely teal eyes glaring back at him. "If you refuse to give such information, things may become… difficult for you."
"I am appalled and insulted that you accuse me of forging false documentation and then strong-hoof me into disclosing private information about my client, who, may I remind you, is an upstanding citizen and member of the MHPD. I am so insulted that I will walk out of my office."
He'd trot toward the door and side-eye the filing cabinet to the left before closing his office door.
The agent stood up, staring at the door before carefully picking up her documents from the desk, trotting over to analyze everything in the room, especially the documents the stallion had shredded. Turning up her nose as she realized she couldn't salvage anything, she glanced at the cabinet he had been eyeing before opening it up and looking through the contents.
Bon Bon would quickly find Pinkamena's file; the documents were… just standard records and claims for a new ID, social security card, tax information, and a record of her renting apartments.
She'd grit her teeth, turning and busting through the door, chasing in the direction she knew the stallion would be heading. Ending up in the reception area, she turned to the clerk manning the station and bared her teeth.
"Where did he go?!" The command barked out of her, her right eye twitching. She wouldn't let this lead get away, not after the embarrassment of last time.
"Cheryl, tell my clients I'm on my lunch break!" shouted Paul as the door to the firm rang.
Bon Bon didn't waste any time, bolting after her suspect before he could gain any more ground. Throwing the door open, she zipped past any pedestrians in the parking lot and launched herself at the stallion, grabbing him by the tail with her teeth. She ground to a halt, her jaw becoming a bear trap that refused him any sort of ground.
"Yow! Hey, doll, buy me dinner first also; THIS COUNTS AS SELF-DEFENSE! I HAVE WITNESSES!" the stallion quickly smashed his hoof in the mare's face as he sprinted faster than any unicorn she had ever seen.
"HELP POLICE, I'M A VICTIM OF ASSAULT AND INTIMIDATION. THIS MARE DOESN'T BELIEVE IN DEMOCRACY AND OUR LEGAL SYSTEM!"
Bon Bon winced, rubbing her nose as she watched the unicorn runoff. Sighing, she wiped her snout and pressed a button on her earpiece.
"I have a runner heading towards Sunnyville Street. Unicorn." She paused briefly as the pony on the other side responded, "You got him? Good."
Within seconds, two ponies clothed in black struck out and grabbed Paul from behind, dragging him into an unmarked wagon without another sound. Any sort of witnesses saw nothing or pretended to see nothing. Bon Bon smirked; the Notice-Me-Not spell was quite effective.
Striding over to the wagon, Bon Bon knocked before stepping inside, giving the lawyer a satisfied smirk.
"Well, are you willing to cooperate now?"
Paul swatted away the agents, "Hands off the merchandise, pal. This suit is worth more than you."
"Listen, I'll tell you what you want… just… can I make a call first?" he'd look up at the agents timidly.
"No." Bon Bon's reply was simple and demanding, taking off her glasses to stare the lawyer straight in the eyes, "And if you don't want to end up in a cell in Tartarus, I'd suggest talking RIGHT. NOW."
"You think this is my first rodeo with a bunch of thugs? Please, you're nothing but amateurs." scoffed Paul before he quickly teleported outside the wagon with a spark of his horn.
"NEXT TIME USE A HORNCUFF, LATER CHUMPS!" laughed Paul as he quickly sprinted off, "Okay, okay," he'd quickly pull out his spell phone.
With a quick shake of a bottle and focusing his thoughts, the stallion quickly began ringing Detective Pink as he popped the spell phone's cork.
I sense a disturbance from my humble little office as I feel a vibration in my coat pocket. My spell phone, "Hello, you reached Detective Pink-" I am rudely interrupted by my lawyers babbling.
"Pink, I need your help, the S.M.I.L.E. agents are on my tail, and I need some security; I don't know how much longer I can give them the slip. I think they'll suppress my magic with a horncuff this time around!"
"Where are you!" I shriek.
"Uh, I'm near Little Dragon Land; hurry, they got eyes and ears everywhere!" Paul would quickly stuff the magical mist back into the bottle before stuffing the spell phone into his pocket, ducking and weaving through the dozens of dragons.
The S.M.I.L.E. agents quickly slipped out of the wagon, attaching themselves to it before racing after the fleeing lawyer. Bon Bon climbed atop the wagon, her eyes narrowing at the suspect.
"Stop and put your hooves up!" She commanded, her voice loud and almost booming, "This is the police, stop and put your hooves up!" Pedestrians that passed by stared, both at the wagon and the lawyer, but did nothing to intervene. After all, it was a police chase.
"There's no warrant for my arrest, no probable cause! This is a gross misuse of justice, people! Won't you ponies do something to protect not just me but yourselves!? What do I have to do, sing a song about it!?" snapped Paul.
"Yeah, that might help!" A random pony from the crowd shouted back.
Bon Bon simply smirked as her wagon began to gain ground, the two agents leading the wagon nearly to Paul's fetlocks. All they needed to do was back him into a corner or catch up to him, and he would be caught.
"It's not like you have anywhere to go, Rimmy." Bon Bon shouted, "We know of your hiding spots! It's only inevitable that you help us… and we might be willing to give you compensation for doing so." Her words were like honey, sickly sweet.
"That's bribery! Everypony freeze! These are crooked cops harassing an innocent lawyer!" I proclaim, "Everypony! Shame them! Shame them for betraying the law! And more importantly, your trust!"
I appeared from behind with a posse of my closet associates, our badges and cuffs at the ready. It's a considerable risk to entangle myself with the S.M.I.L.E. agency like this, but if I can cause a stir and have the support of the ponies here. I can bring her in and give Paul a chance to escape.
Paul quickly skirted to a halt as he promptly attempted to rile up the pedestrians, "Look, everypony! These 'cops' are interfering with a serious case about illegal sugar markets. I am an innocent lawyer who is prosecuting a big-time sugar dealer, and because of enforcing our justice system, THESE dirty cops are trying to detain me and force me to drop the case!"
Paul continued, "C'mon, everypony! Can't you see Detective Pink here is a hero keeping a good name on our police!"
A dragon slowly spoke up, "You know what, I don't like you pony police, but Detective Pink was the only mare that cared about my store getting robbed! She saved me two-thousand bits!"
"That's right, people! Detective Pink: A Mare That Cares!" proclaimed Paul.
Thank Celestia, for that savvy lawyer of mine. I'm sure beyond the sleazy exterior lies the heart of a saint. Or maybe just a lawyer posing as decent ponyfolk. It's funny, though; I'm pretty sure Celestia is the reason why I'm being charged in the first place.
The S.M.I.L.E. agents nervously looked around the crowd that had formed around them, pulling at their collars as they tried and failed to find a way out of this. Bon Bon, however, steeled her gaze and noticed a slight but definite path away from the crowd and out of there.
Pressing on her communicator, the mare relayed to her associates, "Grab the stallion, and make it through the crowd, no stopping. We're getting out of here whether the local police like it or not."
The agents below her nodded and lowered their heads, scuffing the cobblestone street below them before charging forward. Paul Hoofman was launched into the air as they ran, Bon Bon grabbing him by the hoof before pinning him to the roof of the wagon, locking him in hoof cuffs.
"I'll read you your rights later; I assume you know them." The earth pony smirked before pinning him to the roof, the wagon tilting left and right as the agents forced their way through the crowd.
"Hey, watch the suit and mane; I really worked hard to keep those neat!" sighed Paul.
Drat! The people aren't motivated enough. I'll really need to bring out the big guns…
I slowly clear my throat, preparing my voice for a serenade, vocalizing and weaponizing my original self's 'smile song' to motivate the good ponies of the city to help my lawyer! Altering the lyrics to encourage the people to form into a mob of smiling faces ready to give chase.
The crowd perked up and began to chase after the wagon, yelling profanities and protests as the S.M.I.L.E. agents ran for the hills, trying to shake off their pursuers.
Bon Bon shoved a hoof into the unicorn's mouth, gritting her bared teeth. "You better hope she stops that, for your sake." She glared, her teal eyes piercing through him, her threat not coming off as a bluff. She barely moved as the wagon tilted left and right, her hoof pressed against his chest, making it difficult to breathe.
Paul gasped as he smiled nervously as he raised his front hooves defensively, "Hey, look, I'm just a defense attorney. You're the ones who went and kidnapped somepony."
I plonk through the streets as I lead my song of social justice throughout the streets of Little Dragon Lands, bending my knees real low before I leap through the air, ending the song on a literal high note before landing on top of the wagon.
"Agent Sweetie Drops, unhoof that innocent stallion!" I demand.
The earth pony mare turned to look at Pinkamena, her irritated glare not letting up. She seemed nearly desperate, giving the detective a moment to pause.
"Please, just turn yourself in! You have no idea what we have to do to keep the peace!" Bon Bon's voice strained to stay above the wagon's wheels, clicking over the street and the shouting voices of the crowd nearby, "We just want to ask questions. We won't harm you! I promise I will leave him be if you just come with us."
"You made one fatal flaw, Agent Drops, this is MY town, and I have the home-field advantage! Now you release Pauly, or I'll sing so gosh darn loud the whole city with turn your whole Manehattan S.M.I.L.E. network on its head!" I say boldly.
"Lady, just cut your losses and try again; I'm not trying to get torn apart by a frantic mob demanding swift justice!" pained Paul.
Bon Bon gritted her teeth and shook her head, "Do you think you're the only one whose life is on the line here?! Why do you think that I'm an agent of S.M.I.L.E.?!" She shouted, trying to keep her voice down but failing. "I'm trying to keep the ones I love close and protect them! Please, Pinkie, Pinkamena, whatever your name is–" She gulped, clenching her eyes shut.
"We're in danger too!"
"The difference being is I didn't choose this! YOU did! You chose to be a S.M.I.L.E. agent, and you knew the risks! Let him go, or this whole wagon will become a stage for my next song!" I thundered like a raging storm at this rate.
I couldn't help but feel bad for Bon Bon, though; she had a life and dame waiting for her back home. But I'm not sacrificing myself for somepony who'll just destroy me or lock me in a cage. Besides, who are they to harass my, ultimately, totally not corrupt lawyer?
"FOR CELESTIA'S SAKE, LADY, LET ME GO BEFORE SHE DOES SOMETHING CRAZY!" Shouted Paul.
"You think I chose for my life to be like this?!" Bon Bon shouted back, "Whether or not you rile up this crowd right now, my life is over, and so are my co-workers." She gestured to the ponies who were pulling the cart, the pair glancing back nervously at the group, terrified of what the result might be.
"You don't know the powers that we are playing with! I don't want to lock you up or hurt you! Please, just answer my questions, and I promise nothing bad will happen!"
She reached out a hoof, offering it to the pink detective. "Please…"
Paul tapped his hoof against the wagon's roof, "Can I go now?"
I sigh; the jig is up, no matter what happens to me. I just don't get the heart to let another pony suffer. Maybe it's the fact despite my jaded outlook, I am still a clone of Pinkie Pie. Someone dedicated to making the lives of everypony else better, and who am I to destroy the lives of three ponies just doing a job.
I suppose they gotta eat and provide for their loved ones, and in at least Bon Bon's regard, she is a step above me.
"Alright…you win." I frown, slowly turning to face the crowd, "ALRIGHT, TAKE THIS!" I quickly hop on Bon Bon as I simulate a struggle.
"HEEEYAH! GO, PAUL, BE FREE!" I shout.
"Don't have to tell me twice; good luck Detective Pink and uh, never call me for work again." the stallion quickly signed off before diving off the wagon.
"I HAVE OVERTAKEN THE WAGON AND SECURED THE BAD COPPERS; EVERYPONY GO HOME, INCLUDING MY DEPUTIES!"
"But Pink-" shouted a deputy.
"NO BUTTS, GO HOME, EVERYONE!" I order.
Bon Bon let out a sigh of relief, letting the lawyer go before she grabbed Pinkie Pie, giving her fellow agents a confident nod. Turning to Pink, she gave her a slight nod and whispered in her ear, "Thank you, you have no idea how much this means to me."
The mare threw a sack over the detective's head without another word. The wagon stopped for only a few seconds, giving her enough time to throw Pinkamena into the back, kicking the wagon once to signal the ponies ahead to start moving. Bon Bon jumped on, a grim expression on her face.
It was hours later, but it could have been days for the poor detective. Bon Bon slowly took a long gulp of coffee, smacking her lips as she trotted through a hallway, greeting her fellow agents. They gave her a nod of recognition before continuing on their way.
They had arrived at the facility ages ago and had set Pinkamena up in one of their interrogation cells. She had been left to sweat, giving both mares time to think of what to say.
Bon Bon grimaced, feeling coffee grounds at the end of her swallow; she threw the cup of coffee in the trash can. She wasn’t looking forward to this. After what she said to Pinkamena, she had no doubt the mare would also have some questions for her.
Sighing and combing back her mane with one hoof, she approached the door to the interrogation rooms, scanning a keycard before entering. Passing by several more cells, Bon Bon stopped in front of the one she knew the detective was behind.
Closing her eyes for a brief moment, the earth pony gathered her strength and stepped inside, closing and locking the door behind her. The cell was divided into two rooms, the prisoners' side and the interrogators', with a one-way mirror separating the pair. There was a door beside the wall, allowing prisoners to be taken in or out.
Keeping her composure, Bon Bon sat in a swivel chair at a desk in front of the mirror, staring at the pink mare inside. She hesitated, only for a moment, before pressing a button.
Bon Bon’s voice crackled through the speakers inside the cell, “Pinkamena, I will be asking you several questions, and I need you to answer as truthfully as possible. That will make this much easier. Are you ready?”
I sit in silence with only the dull hum of lights to accompany me. I know Bon Bon is sitting on the other side of that one-way mirror, trying to sweat me as if I were the common thug or thief.
It's ironic you never really think of yourself in this position as the long arm of the law. But I can only savor the irony so much. The bitter taste of defeat permeates in my mouth like a foul scent that just won’t go away.
"I know that I’ll be racked for all I’m worth and locked away. Or, if I’m not lucky, sent back to the Mirror Pool, where I will be doomed to an eternity watching the world go by. Relegated to the same fate as many who cross Princess Celestia. My train of thought, however, is disturbed by Agent Sweetie’s voice.
“Not like I got much of a choice, now do I!?” I spat, “Hey, if you’re gonna fu–” right, E-rating… “... finagle with me, at least give me the curiosity of sitting down at the table with me!”
Bon Bon sighed, rubbing a hoof across her eyes before pressing the button to reply, “You know I can’t do that, Pinkamena. We have regulations for the safety of both parties. Now, I have a few questions for you; if you’re willing to cooperate, this will make this go by much quicker.”
Clearing her throat, Bon Bon would open up and flip through a folder on the desk, reading out several things before continuing, “First and primarily… what do you remember of the Mirror Pool?”
“I remember kissing your mother on the mouth!” I hiss, “She’s a very nice lady with a very nice flank!”
I pull a paddle ball from my coat and play with the toy.
The agent sighed again and sat back, wishing she had brought another coffee or maybe a snack. That gave her an idea…
“I understand you’re not in a good mood, Ms. Pie. In fact, how about we have something to eat first before we get to the nitty-gritty?” She offered, preparing to get out of her chair, “I could grab some donuts and some coffee.”
“I’ll take one box of donuts and a Trenta coffee with a double shot of espresso. Iced.” I say promptly.
Bon Bon wrinkled her nose and did her best not to sigh over the intercom. “Alright, I’ll be back in a moment.”
Calling down to someone in the break room, she had two boxes of donuts sent up and the coffee that Pinkamena asked for. They usually wouldn’t give their ponies of interest such treatment, but Bon Bon felt she owed it to the mare for putting her through such an ordeal.
Grabbing the box of donuts and coffee, Bon Bon used a slot near the wall and sent it inside the room.
“Enjoy; I’m going to have one myself.” the mare selected a chocolate-sprinkled donut and took a large bite.
I carefully collect my wares, but I am careful not to drink that coffee too much. 31 oz of double-shot espresso is dangerous, and it’s my ticket out of here if things go bad… I sit back and eat one of the donuts. Not bad; she must’ve got them from a nicer place.
“So, you want to know what it’s like in the Mirror Pool? Well, I couldn’t tell you since I only gained consciousness after I was in the pool. Truth be told, I don’t know if we’re even alive or conscious down there t'il we’re pulled up.” I toss a donut in my maw, chewing it slowly. It’s jelly filled…
“Next question.”
Bon Bon hurriedly wrote down the notes, making sure not to get any icing on the papers. Wiping her mouth, the agent considered her next question carefully.
“From observations made by Twilight Sparkle, she noted that most of the clones did not seem to have a very high level of intelligence and were incapable of focusing for long periods. Why do you seem to be an exception?” She didn’t like asking this, but it was necessary.
“I guess because I’m one of the first clones, I'm an almost perfect complete copy of Pinkie Pie. The more you clone yourself or if a clone clones themselves, they lose their perfection. They’re not perfect clones of Pinkie Pie; they’re a clone of a clone.” I take a slow sip of coffee.
“I’m an almost perfect copy on every level basically because I might’ve been the second or third clone.” I shrug, unsure of the real answer.
There was a murmur of agreement as Bon Bon wrote all of this down; using her mouth to write was quite a pain. Spitting out the pen, she looked back up and studied the detective briefly.
Pressing the button, she would continue. “What are your feelings on the original and the other clones who were sent back to the pond? How much of the Original Pinkie Pie do you remember?”
“I don’t really think about it. It all happened in less than a day. The clones were on a scale from pretty much Pinkie Pie to a flanderized caricature only focused on fun, cakes, and parties.” I take a long sip of coffee.
“I do think it was horrifying to watch a bunch of clueless dames become nothing but mist and sent back to a prison. I know they’re alive, I know they’re still sentient and yearning to be free. Sometimes I have dreams, nightmares of being underneath the pond….” I stare blankly at the two-way mirror.
“Unable to breathe, unable to move, only able to watch the surface of the pond as life races by.”
There was a long pause, a silence that seemed to choke the room. Bon Bon slowly wrote down what the mare said, feeling an aching growing in her chest. She couldn’t imagine experiencing something so horrible, and she couldn’t help but pity the mares trapped under that pool.
Taking a moment to gather herself, Bon Bon took a deep breath and continued,“What did you do when you left Ponyville, initially? How much do you remember?”
“I did a few odd jobs, got enough bits to move on to the next town. I wanted to move as far away from Ponyville as possible to get away from my past. But it sure as heck has a way of catching up to you.” I take another long sip of the coffee.
I can feel the sugar and caffeine rush through me; need to ease up, keep steady. Things haven’t gone wrong yet… yet.
Bon Bon nodded. Everything Pinkamena said matched up with eyewitnesses who had seen her in those areas. However, she wasn’t sure what she had to ask next would go so well.
“That’s a majority of the easy questions, now….” Bon Bon cleared her throat, “We’d like to know why you have such high amounts of chaos magic.”
“We’ve been watching you for a while, Ms. Pie. Several tests from a distance have shown Chaos magic off the charts. It explains why such strange things happen around you, but why you have any is the real question.”
I laugh, “If I told you, you wouldn’t believe a word I’d say.”
Bon Bon tsked, sitting back in her seat, “Try me.”
“For comedic effect, in the story, we are in. It’s to amuse the audience, like so.” "I quickly pull out an entire jazz band of ponies from my coat, ripping both flaps of my trench coat, releasing the band.
Not even a second later, I quickly stuff them all back in my coat before I sit back down.
Bon Bon sat there, flabbergasted, and for a moment, something Pinkie said felt very wrong. Like something Bon Bon shouldn’t be sticking her nose in…
But she couldn’t help but ask, spurred on by her own curiosity. “The… audience?”
“The audience, an all-knowing Omnipresent third party in our lives. In this case, readers.”
The agent felt a chill go down her spine, the wrongness seeming to grow as she sat there, absorbing what Pinkamena said.
Her tongue felt cottony and numb as she asked her next question, dropping her pen. “Detective… are they watching us right now?”
“Yes.”
Bon Bon felt the hair on her back stand on end, her tail flicking nervously as she looked around the room, half-expecting to see something pop out and terrify her. Closing her eyes and calming her racing pulse, the earth pony let out a long breath.
“Is this… audience the source of your chaos magic?” She asked tentatively.
I chuckle, “Nah, the audience can only watch and maybe comment on the story, but the writer is where the source of chaos magic is. It’s also why you are the way you are. The universe itself is forged by them! Not even Discord realizes what this reality really is!”
“Somehow, I doubt that….” retorted Bon Bon
He couldn’t be the Lord of Chaos and be ignorant of such things! Bon Bon shook her head, and what did she MEAN by the audience? Ponies couldn’t be watching them here unless a security guard or a unicorn was eavesdropping.
“Have you ever personally met Discord or just memories from Pinkie Pie?” A part of her was relieved to move the subject along.
I shrug, “He’s alright; I played cards with him. I have all of Pinkie Pie’s memories prior to my creation.” I take a long sip of coffee before I sigh.
Bon Bon couldn’t help but roll her eyes; of course, they would play cards. That sneaky draconequus pretended to not know a thing about the mysterious clone…
“Alright, that seems to be a wrap for most of our questions. But we will have to keep you for a bit longer, for some… tests. Nothing invasive, I assure you.”
“Sorry, gumdrop, I’m getting out of here.” I slowly start drinking the tall coffee resting on the table.
Bon Bon narrowed her gaze before hovering a hoof over a second button, “Pinkie– er, Pinkamena, this cell is lined to null all magic, including chaos magic. Whatever you’re going to do… please, don’t do it.”
“I don’t need chaos magic where I’m going!” I chug the coffee before I begin to vibrate in my chair. I feel the sugar and caffeine rush as I bounce around the rooms moving faster and faster with every bounce.
I fly off the back wall as I shatter through the one-way mirror, “S-S-S-S-S-SUGAR!!!!!”
Bon Bon slapped a button with one hoof before ducking under her desk, just in time as the pink blur shattered the mirror, keeping them separated. Red lights immediately flickered to life, and the doorway to the cell began to lock.
“Stop; they’ll be here in a minute to subdue you, so please!” Bon Bon covered her head with her hooves, trying to avoid the broken glass, “Stop!”
I couldn’t stop; I just kept moving and moving as I bounced around the walls, “NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW!”
I shatter through the door as I enter the next hallway; I need to keep moving to get out of here.
Bon Bon ducked as the door was broken clean through, her eyes widening at the madness of it. How was that even physically possible? Why was she even questioning reality at this point? It had been totally shattered only moments ago.
Peeking out the doorway, ten or fifteen guards attempted to subdue the pink blur, several blocking the only exit. The doors ahead were also reinforced, needing the card to open them.
“Pinkamena, STOP!” Bon Bon shouted as a unicorn stallion readied a taser spell.
I quickly stopped behind the unicorn and promptly spun him around before ripping my coat open and tearing out a large mallet. Bonking him on the head to knock him out as I keep bouncing around the walls.
I need to move fast and get out of here before the sugar rush ends and the crash begins.
The unicorn guard fell over, and another took his place, his horn charging much faster than the previous. He took aim and fired, missing several shots as he attempted to hit her.
“Nothing lethal; remember, we need her alive!” Bon Bon shouted, scrambling to the front of the crowd. Gritting her teeth, she readied herself to do something stupid…
Taking a few steps back and timing it just right, she jumped and managed to grab hold of the pink blur, gritting her teeth as she clenched her eyes shut.
I grind to a halt as I’m pinned against the floor, vibrating rapidly as I try to reach in my coat for anything to save me.
Bon Bon lifted herself, staring Pinkamena directly in the eyes, “I promise you, once we’re done, and we’ve determined you’re not a threat, you’ll be let go! Just please, cooperate… I don’t know how much longer I can cover for you.” Her last words were a desperate whisper.
I narrow my eyes at the dame pinning me down. Full of anger and bitterness, but the look on her face was soft and unusually caring. A kind face in a sea of sour expressions. Lyra was lucky to have a doll like her; she had that calming yet commanding aura to her.
Also, I’m out of caffeine. With a sigh, I slowly close my eyes and go limp, letting the crash take me like a giant lethargic wave.
“Fine… I just wanted some fun….”
Bon Bon sighed and slowly stood up, keeping a hoof firmly on Pinkamena’s back. “Thank you… geez, you really are like Pinkie.” she murmured softly.
Twelve stallions evenly surrounded the pair, leading them to a new and reinforced cell. Bringing the detective inside, they locked her in, taking careful measures. Bon Bon sat behind the desk again, trying to think of something to say.
“Why did you do that? Did you really think you could get out of here?” Bon Bon couldn’t help but question, “You don’t even know where you are!”
I smile, “I can get out of here anytime I want. Frankly, I’d just have to do something so ridiculous or funny enough….” I sigh as I rest my head, “I can do literally anything if it’s silly or funny enough….”
“But I didn’t because the show must go on, and well… you’re the most sociable one here, and you need to keep the lights on, right?” I yawn.
“Well…” Bon Bon shook her head, “I’m glad you decided to do the right thing in the end. Now… about those tests… do you think you can cooperate?”
Before Pinkamena could answer, there was a knock at the door. The agent cocked a brow and stood up, opening it to invite the newcomer inside. Her expression changed when she saw who it was.
“What are you doing here?” Bon Bon questioned.
“I heard all the ruckus and wanted to see the perp for myself.” another voice replied, “Wait– is that… Pinkie Pie? What is she doing here?”
Bon Bon sighed, “It’s a long story, but that’s not Pinkie; that’s a clone.”
“Riiight.” the pony stepped forward before pressing a button on the desk. The one-way mirror turned clear, and Pinkamena could see who was inside.
The color distortion made it difficult to tell with the glass, but the shape was very familiar… Was that Rainbow Dash? No, it couldn’t be…
“Don’t recognize me? I am a famous author, after all.” Daring Do grinned, leaning against the desk, “Nice to see you again, even if you don’t actually know me.”
I scratch my head; I did not expect that. Talk about a shock. Daring Do is in with the S.M.I.L.E. agents? Those adventures must’ve been some show. I rest my head on my hoof as I eye this fine-aged mare.
“You’re that famous author; I remember Rainbow Dash adored your stuff… anyway memories from a life that isn’t mine… so what’s the stitch? Are we gonna cut me open and see how I tick?”
Daring Do laughed, “What in the hay is she talkin’ about?”
Bon Bon sighed, “Long story. No, Pinkamena, we won’t be… dissecting you. Just a few simple tests to see exactly how much chaos magic you have. And we would like to record some of the anomalies that happen around you.”
“I can help with that. Let me go and get the equipment,” Daring nodded before trotting out of the door. She returned a few minutes later with a cart of objects. Taking out what appeared to be a large metal sphere, she rolled it into the room.
“Just hold that ball, and it should detect how much magic you have in you at the moment,” Daring called.
I pause before I let out a sigh, “You want me to hold a ball? What is this?”
“It’s a simple magical aptitude test. Normally unicorns would simply levitate the ball, and it would display their ability by how heavy it continually got.” Daring Do replied, “It actually used to be a toy, but even simple spells can be altered. That is essentially a beefed-up version of it.”
“Just hold the ball in your hooves and…” Bon Bon paused, hesitating with her words. “Do… whatever it is you do.”
I sigh as I pick up the weightless ball, bouncing it in place and playing with the simple object, “This… this is what you needed to kidnap me for.”
Bon Bon rolled her eyes, “It’s not kidnapping; you simply resisted arrest.”
Daring Do bumped the earth mare’s shoulder. “Uh, you’re watching this, right?”
“What?” She snapped at the pegasus.
“She’s throwing that thing around like it weighs nothing at all.”
“Well, what is it set on?”
“... About a ton, give or take.”
Bon Bon blinked. Most unicorns couldn’t even handle that amount of weight at one given time, perhaps somepony like Starlight Glimmer, but an earth pony?
Leaning into the microphone, Bon Bon sat up. “Pinkamena, tap the ball twice on the left side. That should increase the difficulty.”
I tap the side of the ball as I feel the weight; it feels about as heavy as a sack of sugar, but it’s no big deal for some mare like me. I keep bouncing the ball before bucking it into a wall watching it create a massive crater in the steel and concrete wall.
“Interesting, looks like some sort of super lightweight material if my sci-fiction lingo is accurate.” I scoff.
“That should be about ten tons, give or take.” Daring Do reported before Bon Bon could even ask. The earth mare sat up and began to scribble into her notes feverishly. How was this possible? Was the ball just defective, or was Pinkamena really that powerful?!
And if a clone was that strong, what was Pinkie Pie capable of?
Spitting the pen from her mouth, Bon Bon nearly felt tongue-tied from all the writing she had done in such a short amount of time. Rubbing her temples, the mare took a calming breath.
“Could you perhaps do something… anomalous, so the toy can measure that activity?” Bon Bon requested, slightly on edge.
I pull out a large chocolate cookie and cocoa from underneath my hat before eating it in front of the two mares. “This enough?”
Bon Bon looked down at the orb in the wall. It gave a light glow as if magic was interacting with it.
“That’s certainly something, but c’mon, I know you can do more than that.” Daring Do replied, giving the pink mare a familiar lazy grin.
I sigh before hiding my face behind the brim of my hat; I can feel my body change as a strange surge pulsates inside me. I quickly reveal my face; it being horribly deformed and unsightly. As if I were dropped on my head or undercooked in the oven… or I’m a pony from a Generation ago.
“Tah-dah.” I yawn.
Bon Bon couldn’t help but cringe, Daring Do unable to let out a small yelp of surprise and disgust at the unsightly figure.
“Eugh, looks like a deformed foal.” the adventurer couldn’t help but wrinkle her nose, almost looking ill.
They were nearly so preoccupied with the ghastly sight that they almost didn’t witness the orb glowing and lifting into the air out of a crater in the wall. Bon Bon almost fell out of her chair, Daring staring slack-jawed.
“That only did that when we gave it to Discord… in fact, it nearly exploded when he held it.” Daring blinked, picking her jaw up. “And that’s just… a couple tricks?”
“Lady, Bonnie saw me lead an entire city block into a mob from just singing; of course this isn’t the extent of my shenanigans.” I huffed, pulling a comfortable computer chair from my coat before sitting down on it.
“Maybe it’s best we get something a bit more… accurate to get an idea of your power level.” Daring rubbed her chin thoughtfully.
“This isn’t like one of your anim-neighs, Daring.” Bon Bon rolled her eyes.
Daring couldn’t help the color that came to her cheeks, “It’s manga, you uncultured swine!”
The earth mare snorted, “Whatever. Anyways, we’re going to advance the tests. Daring, can you send this in?” she handed the notes and paperwork she had been working on, “If you want to come back, I’ll probably need a hoof.”
“You think I’m gonna miss this?” the pegasus snorted, “Yeah, right.”
Bon Bon turned away as Daring trotted out of the doorway, facing Pinkamena once again. “You keep surprising me, Pinks. Well, this might take a bit more time than I thought….”
The large room Pinkamena had been carefully guided into was nearly pitch black as she stepped inside. She squinted for a moment before harsh fluorescent lights flickered to life before her, almost blinding her.
The intercom crackled to life. Craning her head, the Detective could see Bon Bon on a platform above, separated by a thick glass window.
“This will be a simple test, Pinkamena. First, put your hooves into the holes in front of you. Below the pink mare was what looked like when a mare accidentally stepped in setting cement. However, she could clearly see the ancient glyphs carved into the stone with metal lining them.
“You will essentially be a battery for this machine. Don’t worry; it won’t hurt, and depending on your power, it may not even work at all. But, considering it’s… you, it might just short everything out.” Bon Bon chuckled. “Think you can do it?”
I sigh as I stamp my hooves in the machine, blankly staring at the finer carvings and engravings. I can’t help but wonder how old this device is. Or how recently it was thought up by the eldritch being known as The Writers.
Every step we take and every act is essentially permissed by them. Or are they merely documenting everything? The world around me begins to turn black as I see nothing but hundreds of words race by my head.
I open my mouth to gasp as I watch my thoughts become compiled into a sentence in front of me. What am I seeing? Why am I seeing this?
“I think we should call this off!” I shout.
Bon Bon cocked a brow, shifting in her seat. “What’s the problem now?” She spoke over the intercom. Her words seemed to be written before she even said them. Even before that, words would be deleted as if made in error, as if something or someone was correcting the mistake.
I can see her, Bon Bon… Sweetie Drops. Whenever her gentle voice cuts through the panging of letters, I can see her in the midst of the darkness that surrounds us. She is oblivious to our current situation. I don’t blame her. I’m not even sure what any of this is. I need to know if this experiment is even working properly!
“Yowza is this thing on!? I think the fabric of reality is breaking over here! Is that thing powering on yet!?” I say, watching the words fly out of my mouth. I feel like I can do something here…
I lift my hooves off as I attempt to chase after a word.
“Moist…” the word slips out of my mouth as I quickly grab it. It riles in my hooves as it attempts to squirm out of my grasp.
I quickly flicker in between the strange word-filled void and the testing chamber before I quickly snap back into reality. The words vanish as I watch them shift back into the described setting. The words form into the walls, floors, and lights.
Grey cement walls and harsh white L.E.D. lights hang over me, creating an unnatural ambiance and setting. I feel my hooves against my coat before I let out a gentle sigh. Imprisoned in a world that I believed I was in control of.
I look down at my hooves again to see the word resting on my right hoof, ‘moist’ in an Arial font. The word quickly vanished in the blink of an eye. My hooves are now damp and moist, as if I trotted through muggy weather.
“Did we do the test right?” I finally ask before looking up at the agents.
Bon Bon blinked, having watched all of that in stunned silence. To be frank, she had no idea what Pinkamena was doing. All they had seen was the detective wrestling with something invisible before poofing out of sight for a second. She wasn’t entirely sure what had happened.
“The test only begins once you put your hooves in place….” The agent replied slowly, a creeping feel on her back. “Pinkamena… what just happened on your end?”
“... Ah, forget about it.” I slam my hooves into the perfectly shaped holes before a large spark lights up the room in a hue of neon blue. Large blue and orange portals open up from opposite sides of the room.
“What do we have here?” I quickly trot over to the portals, and I begin examining them, “Portals…? I can appreciate the color theory, I guess, just like the game of the same name, heh… how do I know that….”
What even is a game? How did I know to say that? Am I becoming crazy as everypony thinks I am? Just stay calm, Pink. You can ignore all of this if you just play it cool and do your part. Look into the portal.
I can see my back end from the other side… hang on, am I turning around?
Bon Bon began taking notes as several electronic devices rapidly came to life, recording all of the information flowing in. Overseeing the scene, Bon Bon, too, noticed something odd within the portals.
“Pinks, is that you doing that or…?” Bon Bon pushed her chair back, slowly standing up.
I can’t help but reach out toward the copy, putting my hooves through the portal as I stare at myself. Feeling my mouth move without my permission as words began to tumble out.
“Into her own reflection, she stared, yearning for one whose reflection she shared… solemnly swear not to be scared at the prospect of being doublely mared.”
I quickly yank a heavy weight through the portals as I feel somepony topple onto me. I look upward to see my perfect copy resting on top of me.
“Pinkie…?” I whisper.
The mare only stared back with an unfocused look as a smile formed across her face as she spoke, “Fun!”
Bon Bon shot up, “Oh no, not this again! Pinks, get out of that, and don’t let any more copies through! We can’t store that many anomalous ponies! Especially if they’re on your level!”
A door beside Bon Bon opened, Daring Do trotting in with a mouthful of donut. She surveyed the situation quickly before muttering with her mouthful, “Bad time?”
I stare at myself as a wave of guilt crashes over me. Does she even know what she’s missing? Would it be so wrong to move on from… myself? What makes me more worthy of life in comparison to my duplicate?
She looks away, focusing what limited attention span she has on Bonnie and Daring Do. Excited of what potential fun they could have. I just know she’s thinking of making them a cake or throwing them a party.
I trot over to the ancient device before stuffing my hooves back in and closing the portals. I feel a surge of energy pulsate through me as that dark void clouds my vision as, for a brief moment, this world I reside in turns to nothing but words on a page before returning back to normal as the portals close.
The other Pinkie happily plonks around the chamber as the Detective seemed to have a ghostly expression on her face. A cocktail of intense emotions accompanied her as she sat quietly on the hard metallic floor.
Bon Bon let out a sigh of relief at the closing of the portals, falling back into her seat. Great, now they had one more problem to deal with. It was too bad they couldn’t just ask Twilight herself for help, but she supposed one of their unicorns could possibly deal with it. Unless the higher-ups wanted to keep the clone for some reason, which Bon Bon frankly didn’t want to think about.
“Welp, what now?” Daring asked. “Should I go get security?”
“Yeah, we’re going to need to get the extra one out of there and to her own room. We don’t need that one creating more.” The earth mare nodded, “I’ll see about the Detective.”
Within a few moments, the doors to the chamber opened, revealing twelve identical stallions gesturing for the extra Pinkie to join them.
“We have a party here. Wanna join?” One of the more daring officers offered.
Pinkie happily plonked over, her eyes wide and full of joy and excitement at the suggestion of a party, “Oh boy, I can’t wait t'il we all have a huge party!?”
I peel myself off the floor as I trot over to Pinkie, slowly pulling her aside as I stare into her blue eyes. She rears back for a moment. I see her orbs flicker for a moment as she adjusts to the new situation. She doesn’t know what I’m thinking, unfamiliar with my gaze and expression. She’s naive and simple-minded.
“Are you okay?” She finally asks, breaking the tension.
I slowly pull her into a hug without a second thought. I can’t help but feel sympathy for her; she’ll be exploited without even knowing it or having the capacity to learn more, and yet here I stand, coming from the same cloth but with the burden of knowledge.
All of this feels somber, as if I’m saying goodbye to a loved one or remembering someone whose past tense.
“Agents, I refuse to do any more tests involving chaos magic,” I say finally.
The twelve stallions looked between each other and shrugged. It wasn’t their call. One of them gestured up to Bon Bon, who sighed and shook her head.
“I don’t know if I can promise that, but I can say that Pinkie will be treated… well.” the agent attempted to comfort Pinkamena, unsure of what to tell her. She didn’t want to promise anything at all, but she didn’t want to seem cruel, either. She'd continue, “I think it’s best if we stop testing for today anyhow… you probably need some rest.”
“You better treat her right,” I say firmly, narrowing my eyes at Bon Bon before sighing, “I don’t got a lot of fight in me at the moment. Just show me to my cell.”
Bon Bon cocked a brow but said nothing, simply giving her a nod. Turning, she spoke to Daring briefly, “Can you handle the clone, make sure she’s alright?”
The pegasus nodded, giving the agent a mock salute, “I can handle Pinkie Pie, at least a dumbed-down one. You just try to make sure that one doesn’t snap.” She gestured to the Detective, “All of this might be too much.”
“You’re telling me,” Bon Bon sighed and shook her head, “Alright, let’s go.”
The twelve stallions escorted Pinkie to her own cell before returning and guiding the Detective back to her quarters. It was not the same as the previous two cells. This one had a bed and a small desk with a private bathroom.
Bon Bon sat down in a chair again, glancing at the clock. She’d be going home soon enough, but something told her not to leave the pink mare alone.
“Are you feeling alright?” she asked quietly.
I take a seat at my desk as I slowly take off my hat and coat, resting my clothes over the chair, “Bonnie, doll, you already know the answer….” I sigh.
“It’s been a long day; I’m away from home, my job. My worldview and past were slammed out of nowhere. I’m not what you call peachy-keen.”
There’s a long pause.
“Bon Bon… why are you so… kind to me?” I ask, finally, as I turn to face her.
The agent sighed and paused for a moment before replying, “Well… I am friends with Pinkie Pie, the original. So I suppose some of it has to do with considering you a friend, even if I don’t actually know you. That, and I understand what it’s like to be in over your head….”
“When I was a filly, something happened in my family that caused enough ruckus it got the attention of Celestia and S.M.I.L.E. and for a while… I was in your position. So I know what it’s like being on the other side of the glass…
I smirk, “You don’t know the half of it… but hey, I appreciate the effort on your end… even if it’s just a classic case of physiological conditioning to soften me up.”
I continue, “Likewise, I’ll make a few things clear, I’m not staying here for much longer, and you need to stop toying with chaos magic. There’s a reason only Discord can fully utilize it.”
Bon Bon cocked a brow, “And why’s that? Discord said as much, but when would we ever trust his word? In fact, how much have you kept up with Equestrian news, exactly? How much do you know of the current Pinkie Pie?”
“Listen, there are things you don’t understand. There is a world of things that we just shouldn’t comprehend and know. Discord told you so….” I cock a brow, “And what does my original counterpart have anything to do with this?”
“Because she could handle Discord’s chaos magic, unlike any other unicorn, pegasus, or even alicorn.” Bon Bon replied truthfully, “And the reason why my organization is so keen to have you is due to your potential of being able to handle it as well! Not only do you both possess chaos magic of your own, but you can handle so much more.
Bon Bon continued, “In fact, it’s theorized that you make so much chaos magic on your own it just leaks out into your antics. Do you ever feel relief when you burst out into song or pull something out of nowhere? Do you ever feel the need to do it because you feel like you might explode if you don’t?” she questioned.
I slowly smile as I turn to face the mare sitting across from me in a lonely corner of the room, “We do it because it’s funny… that’s why… you’re overthinking things.”
I pause as I realize maybe I’m overthinking things. Perhaps we are all overthinking simple jokes and hyperbolic events. Like how explaining a joke doesn’t make it funny…
I continue, “So she had a taste of Discord’s magic from Grogar’s bell; that doesn’t mean we can just harness the power of that magic for the sake of it. You are tampering with things beyond your scope, and I want nothing to do with it.” I say as I slowly trot over to Bon Bon.
“Go home, Bonnibel; there are more important things in life than this. Ponies are waiting for us to come home… you got to go, and you’re chasing after a no-life like me? Bon, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Bon Bon shook her head and sighed, “I don’t know what to tell you either. It’s not that simple, Pinkamena. I can’t just walk away from this. This is my job. You’re my job now. If I could let you go, I would, but then that would mean the life I built for myself and the lives of my friends could be in jeopardy.”
She'd continue, “I don’t know exactly what they want with you. Maybe they want you to be some sort of weapon, or maybe they want assurance that if we ever lost the original Element Bearer of Laughter, we’d have a replacement at the ready… or maybe they just want to experiment. Either choice they make, I have no way of stopping them.”
“Well, I’m flattered, but I’m not sure what Lyra would think if she heard you say that.” I chortle instinctively, trying to ease the looming tension in the room.
A flicker of light in a dark situation… like lighting a match in the abyss. I look over at Bon Bon, entangled like a puppet on a string with responsibility and obligation.
“... Bon Bon, if you really wanted to, just let me return to the Mirror Pool and be rid of this,” I say finally.
The mare’s eyes went wide, “What? Why would I do that? Not only do I not want to do that, but you haven’t done anything necessitating such an action!” Although she knew it was possible, they would definitely do it if the agency thought it was necessary. There was only one real reason they would do that… and that was if Pinkamena refused to cooperate.
“You don’t want that to happen, right?” hesitated Bon Bon.
I slowly smirk, “Since when did it matter if I wanted something… besides… I’m an old joke that ran itself into the ground.” I say as I return to my desk.
“Not to sound nihilistic, but nothing matters, both in the sense that what we do doesn’t matter and in how I don’t have a choice in the eyes of you S.M.I.L.E. agents. So tell me honestly, Bon Bon, what difference does it make if I’m inside the Mirror Pool with my sisters or inside this cell talking to you? Either way, I’m a prisoner.”
Bon Bon shook her head. “You might not be a prisoner forever. We just have to convince them that you’re trustworthy.”
I sigh, “Princess Celestia can go suck eggs… wait… does she still run this joint, or did she retire from that position too?”
“Celestia began this organization, but she doesn’t run it anymore, although we do alert her of very high priorities, of course, especially if only she can handle it. I don’t believe Princess Twilight is aware of our existence, although that may change soon.” The earth pony sighed, “Right now, we have a council. They are the ones who will decide what will happen next.”
I roll my eyes. What a way to soften the blow, a shadowy council dictates if I get to live everyday life, “Great, so my fate lies in the idle hooves of a bunch of bureaucrats; that makes me feel soooo much better. You could’ve just said, ‘kiss your life goodbye, Detective,’ and that would’ve sufficed.”
I sigh, “Now, if you excuse me, toots, I have an existential crisis to attend to, so why don’t you take your fat flank outta here.”
Bon Bon sighed and rolled her eyes, “Well, that’s nice; here I am trying to help you, and you insult my figure.”
I turn over, resting my head on my hoof as I tilt my head, “I wasn’t insulting your figure, quite the opposite.” I say with a sly wink.
Bon Bon gave the mare a shocked look, a slight blush crossing her cheeks before she shook her head.
“Whatever. Just… try to stay out of trouble while I’m out? I’ll be back tomorrow, promise.” She gave the pink mare a soft look, “Pinkie Promise.”
“.....” I sigh before fishing something out of my coat pocket, pulling out a perfectly intact cupcake before smashing it against my right eye, “Pinkie, promise.”
With that, Bon Bon stood up and gave the pink mare a nod. “... try to rest up, alright? See you tomorrow.” Turning, the agent walked through the door, leaving the Detective alone with a final click of the lock.
Life sure has a funny way of moving us along as ponies. Some sort of force keeps us moving, whether it's the stack of bills that sends most ponies to work or a looming feeling that pushes us forward. Some people just have a fire under their hooves that makes them unable to sit still.
Personally, I have two stallions dragging me in chains to some spooky PTA meeting.
The long narrow cement walls and dim lights lead the three ponies through the security chambers where all their anomalies resided. The constant buzz of the lights and their hoofsteps echoed through the empty halls. That created an unnatural ambiance.
Creatures, big and small, even objects, would sit in the dozens of concrete cells. The Detective was rather lucky when she was accommodated in that familiar-looking office. Most anomalous ponies of interest would've killed for that position.
As the group entered the elevator at the end of the hall, Pinkamena could feel herself become uneasy. How deep underground was she? Where was she even?
Don't talk for me, but yes, I am a bit unsure about this. What if her agent boys have me somewhere where I can't escape?
The elevator ride lasted what felt like a lifetime; eventually, they would be brought up to a large office, with dozens of ponies trotting to and fro from cubicle to cubicle.
"Really getting in that nine-to-five, aren't we?" I joke.
The agents roll their eyes, tough crowd.
I'm dragged toward a set of large oak doors open to a meeting room, where I see a line of familiar faces. Flim, Flam, Maud, Dr. Hooves, Neighsay, Granny Smith, and Bon Bon sitting at the end of the table.
The illusive shadow government is sitting in a meeting room with Danish and coffee like a staff meeting at some hotel.
I can't say that I'm impressed. In fact, I'm a little bewildered by the sight.
"Aw darn it, who forgot to turn out the lights?!" Granny Smith called up, raising a clenched hoof in anger. "We're supposed to be mysterious, dadgummit!"
"It isn't necessary; she was going to find out who we were eventually." Maud's monotone voice cut in, her eyes never leaving the pink Detective. "And as for your question, I have no idea who you are."
"Yeah yeah, well, it would have been fun; it sets the mood. It's practically a tradition!" The apple farmer shot back. "And whatcha mean you don't recognize 'er? She's a clone of yer' sister!"
The gray pony slowly turned her gaze to Granny Smith, her expression not changing an iota. Granny raised her hooves and rolled her eyes in defeat, turning back to the Detective.
"You know I can't say I'm surprised with some of these picks, Neighsay, Dr. Hooves, I can even tolerate Flim and Flam being here… but Maud and Granny Smith!? Is this a joke? Have I been in a bunker for the past few days because of my sister and possible auntie, grandma twice removed, whatever!?"
"Welp, we might as well git on with it.." The elderly mare sighed as she shifted in her seat to get comfortable, sliding on a pair of glasses with lenses so thick her eyes were magnified. She picked up a document, squinting to read the small print on the page. She murmured to herself as she read through it, nodding.
"Wait a moment; we're missing somepony." Dr. Hooves stamped against the desk, "The agent who captured the anomaly in the first place. We should wait for her thoughts."
Just at that very second, Bon Bon came bursting into the room, nearly out of breath from galloping all the way to the meeting room. She wiped the sweat off of her forehead, sighing when she realized she hadn't missed anything.
"Sorry about that!" The agent gave the council a sheepish look, rubbing the back of her head. "I had some… business to take care of in Ponyville."
"Ain't no excuse; we both live in the same town!" Granny replied with a stomp, "But yah ain't missing anything, so we might as well git to it!"
"I'm a stickler for tradition, but even I find the notion of sitting in the dark completely unnecessary." scoffed Neighsay, looking down at the Detective with a severe-looking expression on his muzzle.
"Fillies and gentlecolts, please! Settle down. I can already sense a rising tension!" exclaimed Flim as he perked up in his chair.
"Indeed, which is why I say this group needs to look into getting some of our famous herbal tea!" chimed Flam.
"What rising tension?" Maud asked, despite not having even a hint of curiosity in her voice.
"ALRIGHT, EVERYBODY, SHADDUP!" I roar.
"Did I seriously get kidnapped and experimented on by you, of all people!? To what end gives you the right to poke and prod another mare's tookus!"
Neighsay rolled his eyes, "Firstly, you are not a pony. You are a clone from the Mirror Pool… Secondly, you best hold your tongue before everypony else changes their mind about releasing you."
"Wha–"
Bon Bon chuckled awkwardly and sighed, trotting over to the Detective. "I was going to tell you before this meeting, but I got a little side-tracked… This is basically a… probation hearing. I'll try and give you a good word, and hopefully, they'll let you off the hook. But I can't promise anything."
"That's exactly right!" Granny Smith replied, "Although I don't necessarily agree she's not a pony. Let's each decide that fer' ourselves, hmm?" The elder apple farmer gave Neighsay a hard, grandmotherly look before returning to business.
“So! Yer’ Pinkamena, a detective up in Manehattan?” Granny squinted at the paper, looking as if she were about to spit, "What in the hay makes you go all the way up to the big city?"
"She wanted to start a new life, ma'am." Bon Bon replied immediately, stepping forward. "After the incident–"
"Let her speak for herself; she can talk, can't she?" Granny cut her off, gesturing to Pinkamena. "Go ahead, missy. Why don't you give us your piece? I can tell you're itchin' to get somethin' off yer' chest."
"Oh, thank you, how gracious." I reply sarcastically, "Well, after watching literal clones of you turn to mist and get sent back to the mirror, I thought, "man, I sure don't want THAT to happen," and I went as far away from Ponyville as I could to get away from my past."
"But you know what? I guess I was a little naive assuming EVERYPONY would believe that I was just Pinkie Pie's doppelganger and a genetic rarity. I made the mistake of trying to start a career instead of moving to Griffinstone or Saddle Arabia."
I shot a cold look at the council sitting before me, "But let me guess, you would've just kidnapped me from either of those places, too, I bet? Not like you considered any ethical or legal codes before doing anything."
"Clearly, she is uncooperative and openly hostile toward us. Why are we even humoring this citation?" sighed Neighsay as he gave Granny an unamused glare.
"Now now, it's quite obvious that our friend here is a bit grumpy after being in containment for a few days, and I think this notion of probation is potentially fruitful for our agency and Equestria at large," smirked Flim.
"Indeed, I can only imagine how much money we'd be saving!" chuckled Flam.
"Maud, you have to recognize me… and you have to recognize this is… this… baloney!" I stamp my hooves against the table as I stare at my sister's blank expression.
"I do have to agree with Flim," Doctor Hooves interjected, "Although our intention to allow this pony slash clone freedom should be considered carefully and not a monetary decision."
"Oh please, Time Turner, like those two had anything else in mind." Granny rolled her eyes, rubbing at her forehead. "And you, Neighsay, would you be particularly pleasant after a night in the clink? I doubt it! We should judge her character by her actions, not just her words."
Maud blinked slowly before softly shrugging, "I'm sorry, but I don't. You look nothing like any of my sisters." Her expression did not hold anger or distaste or anything at all, really.
Bon Bon cringed and looked over to Pinkie, giving her an apologetic look.
I slowly smile and erupt into a fit of bubbly laughter, "Oh wait, a second…." I slowly take off my hat and coat before frizzing up my hair into a bunch of untamed curls.
"Do you recognize me now?"
"Good Celestia, she's naked!" Gasped Neighsay.
"Yowza!" exclaimed Flim and Flam.
I let out a long sigh, "Half the ponies in Equestria don't wear clothes!"
Granny Smith cocked a brow, glancing from side to side before sighing. "Are we really doin' this? Control yourselves; you ain't colts no more!"
Maud cocked her head left and right as if she were studying every detail of the pink pony before her, but she simply shrugged and shook her head.
"I'm sorry, but you're not my sister." Maud's eyes burrowed past her eyes and into Pinkamena's soul as if she knew everything about her from a single glance. "But I'm sure you would be good friends."
I can't help but feel a little deflated after that. Even in her monotone and deadpan voice, I still feel my heart get torn to shreds and stamped out like it owed Maud money. I pick up my hat and coat before putting on my best smile.
"Funny how the people get in up in arms about us being "naked," so we wear clothes, right? But we also think it's in bad taste to wear nothing but socks."
You know who you are.
Dr. Hooves cleared his throat, "Gentlecolts, ladies, please… I apologize, Detective. I realize this is… quite a situation that you've been thrust into. Believe me, I've been in your situation before myself. And ponies not recognizing me… well, I understand that completely." He gave her something of a soft chuckle. "Could you believe me if I told you my name is really Time Turner?"
"Now, from the descriptions we were given, I was expecting a second Discord. But frankly, you seem like a rather reasonable equine, all things considered."
The Doctor went on, "Then again, if you caught our attention, there must be a very good reason. I'm aware of the original Pinkamena Diane Pie's abilities. Still, due to her position as an Element of Harmony and a pillar of the community, we could never take her in for questioning. It would be far too suspicious for her to suddenly disappear. That, and considering her friends and her service to Equestria, we're quite confident with her motives being for the benefit of ponykind."
"But you are… an unexpected variable. Having uncontrolled and unchecked power such as yours is incredibly dangerous. I hope you understand that we can't simply have ponies who can do such things roaming the populace unsupervised."
"It's not uncontrolled, Doctor. I have full control over what I can and cannot do. All of you are just doing this because what? You're afraid? Afraid that I might do something? Turn evil? Please, all I wanted to do was do my nine-to-five and make something for myself." I spat back.
"I'm insulted that some of you think I'm a threat to my community. Do you think I forgot who all of you are? Or I haven't heard of you? I have Pinkie Pie's memories before she went into the pool!"
"Whether or not I'm Pinkie Pie is… undetermined, but at the very least, I have mimicked enough of her traits to be trustworthy at the very least. I served and protected my community in Manehattan for the better part of five years. Kept my nose clean, or did you NOT know that and only recently find out?"
Doctor Hooves sighed and rubbed his temples, Granny Smith taking up the charge in his stead. "Listen, youngin', we know that Pinkie Pie is a good'un, and while you may look like 'er and talk like 'er, we have nothing to say you aren't a tickin' time bomb waiting to go off! Ya gotta understand there are thousands of ponies in that city. What happens if you pull a literal bomb outta yer pocket? Not much we could do about it when it's already happened, eh?"
"We just want to make sure ponies are safe," Maud replied softly, her stare never letting up. "It is our duty to everypony, especially the ones we love."
"And we appreciate that you haven't done anything yet, except cause a bit of trouble." Doctor Hooves added, giving the mare a gentle look. "But we ask that you be patient and at least allow us a few questions."
"Questions, questions, questions!" My eyes spin around my skull, "I got a question for yah. Are you ready for a blowout?" I toss a stick of dynamite out from my pocket onto the table, the fuse burning brightly.
"Somepony call security!" Neighsay shouted as he ducked for cover.
"Look out, everypony, I'm crazy! I'm unpredictable! Ouuuu ahhhh, it's almost like I'm a literal clone of the most unpredictable pony there is."
The dynamite would explode despite the fuse not even halfway burned through yet, with confetti shooting into the air and falling onto the council.
The Detective would pull a cupcake from her jacket as she began eating the pastry, "How's that for answering your questions? Oh, I know; how about you take your question and your fat flank and shove it up your–"
"I have had quite enough out of you!" Neighsay thundered quickly as he pulled himself up from his desk, lighting up his horn before shooting a spark of magic at the earth pony. It took a second for the Detective to realize he had removed her mouth.
Bon Bon groaned, plopping down on her rump to cover her face with her hooves. "You just had to do that…." She grumbled, trying to stave away the migraine that was slowly growing.
Granny Smith had ducked away when the Detective threw the stick of dynamite, only coming back up once the smoke had cleared, a military helmet strapped to her head.
"Well, that was one way to get the heart a-runnin'!" Granny chortled, resting a hoof on her stomach as she let out a long laugh. Marble Pie sat; still; she didn't flinch for a second even as she stared the stick of dynamite down.
"Well, that's certainly one way to get the point across." Doctor Hooves coughed as he climbed back into his seat, having been thrown back by the force of the explosion. He wiped soot from his face, looking up at Pinkamena.
"I am so, SO sorry!" Bon Bon began, trying to smooth things over, "She's just upset; please don't put that against her!"
I press my hooves against the area that was once my mouth as I let out a muffled growl.
Not enough chaotic magical powers or rubber chickens to get me out of this stitch, better make a move. I quickly flop into a nearby office chair before sighing through my nose.
Bon Bon scurried over and forcibly pulled Pinkamena back to her hooves, gritting her teeth. "Please stop; you're just making yourself look worse!"
Granny Smith would slam a hoof on the table and turn to Neighsay, "Consarnit, Neighsay! You know well as I that she can't explain herself if ya up 'n make her mute! Give 'er mouth back!"
Maud blinked slowly before nodding, "I'd like to ask a few questions."
Neighsay rolled his eyes as he glared at Granny, "Oh please, there is nothing more to be said, she is an uncooperative anomaly, and she needs to be contained or destroyed!"
"Mmm! Mmm!" I screech. I quickly reach into my pocket before pulling out a zipper and smacking the small piece of scrap metal before opening up my mouth again, "I never voted for you, buddy!"
"This. Isn't. A. DEMOCRACY!" snapped Neigh Say.
Everypony else looked over to Maud, staring as they waited for her response.
"Neither is it a dictatorship." Maud's calm glass eyes landed on Neighsay, her expression unreadable. But those eyes… something felt incredibly threatening about them.
Turning back to Pinkamena, the grey earth pony paused for a long moment before speaking, her voice soft.
"You claim to be my sister…." Maud paused for a brief second, "Do you remember when we were fillies? What was the one thing we did every year together that I showed you when we were young?"
I roll my eyes, "C'mon, Maud, we gave each other rock candy necklaces."
Maud raised a brow, allowing Doctor Whooves to cut in.
"I don't mean to be insulting, but what is the point behind this line of questioning? Yes, she may have the original Pinkie Pie's memories, but that doesn't mean she has any of her characters." The stallion adjusted himself in his seat, slightly worried about the possibility of another stick of dynamite or worse.
"I just wanted to see if she remembered." Maud's voice was surprisingly soft, although very few could tell the subtle difference.
"Well, that doesn't tell us much whether or not she's dangerous, considerin' Pinkie herself ain't no better," Granny replied, tapping her chin. "But perhaps it's nice to know. Hey youngin', you remember our adventure to Golden Delicious? Hehe, what a mess."
"Of course, I remember Granny; I remember everything before I was pulled from the Mirror Pool! I remember your faces, the good times, the bad times. And as for you, Doctor Hooves? You better stuff it before I stick you with a spork."
Doctor Hooves cocked a brow and sat back in his seat, crossing his arms with a slight huff. "I'm simply saying that you have the same experiences doesn't make you the same creature, or am I wrong? Clearly, you've chosen your own path in life. Otherwise, you'd simply be another party pony! Why a detective?"
"I was wondering that myself, actually." Granny snickered, side-eyeing the Doctor. "Baker, decorator, party planner, that's all I can see. But Detective?"
Maud simply mumbled, "Pinkie was always good at finding things."
"Because I knew you would've looked there. Do you think I'm an idiot? Why would I make the search easy for you?" I can't help but laugh, smiling at these fools.
Maud was right; I could find a needle in a haystack if need be, an overlooked talent of mine put to good use. That and my ability to hide in plain sight…
"Look, I wanted to help people, but in a different way, sure I'm not partying it up and saving the world, but I'm making my city, my community, a better place with my dedication to them. What more can I say or do to convince you that I'm not your enemy here?"
I raise my hooves up defensively as I place them on the table, letting out a sharp sigh, "I was doing good before you ever knew about my existence. You…you pencil-pushing bureaucrats!"
"So you knew someone was following you?" Doctor Hooves cocked a brow. "We weren't made aware of your existence until a year ago after a witness from Ponyville spotted you downtown. Who were you running from?"
"Eh, I guess I was running from Twilight, Ponyville, or I dunno, maybe there's something metaphorical junk in there." I tap my hoof against the table, "Can I go back to my job now?"
"Afraid of Twilight Sparkle?" Granny cocked a brow, "I'm guessin' cus' she made the rest of yer' kind go back into the pool, eh?"
"That makes sense," Doctor Hooves nodded to himself, "A somewhat unfounded fear because I doubt Twilight would take the time to hunt you down, but I suppose you had no way of knowing she was unaware of your escape."
The group looked amongst themselves before giving each other a short nod. Looking back down at Pinkamena, Granny Smith sighed deeply.
"We can't give yah an answer now; give us some time to… go over everything." She gave the pink mare an apologetic look. "Agent Drops, can yah take her outside? Git something to eat too; yah look famished!"
Bon Bon looked up and nodded, feeling a little uncertain as she and two guards walked Pinkamena outside.
"Well… that could have gone worse, I guess." Bon Bon sighed. "And please, don't get any ideas because we're not taking you back to a cell. After your attempt yesterday, the doors have been sealed."
I quickly shove Bon Bon, accidentally to the floor as I stand over her. But I don't care, I've had it up to here with this crap."When am I getting out of here!? This is ridiculous! Either you're letting me out, or I'll be busting out!"
Bon Bon quickly retaliated by swiping her hindlegs underneath the Detective, bringing her to the floor as well. She grappled with the mare until she was on top, glaring down at her.
"THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU, PINKAMENA!" Bon Bon roared in her face, finally having reached a breaking point. "I DON'T CARE THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO BE HERE."
The agent pulled herself away before catching her breath, surprised by her own sudden anger. She turned back to Pinkamena, her glare softening but not leaving her face. Worry lines etched her forehead as she rubbed her temples. The two guards accompanying them traded looks before stepping away, close enough to intervene if needed but far enough away to not overhear the conversation.
"This is my JOB, Pinkamena." She spat, shaking her head. "Just like you want to make your community safe, so do I. That's the entire point of this organization. Just because you don't like it doesn't mean you're exempt from it. And just because you do good things doesn't mean you're not dangerous! What if you were mind controlled? What if you're lying to us? We're not mind-readers!"
"So for ONCE, could you do me a favor and SHUT UP AND LET ME DO MY JOB?"
I cross my front legs as I roll my eyes, "If you wanna project and vent about your hard job, you should've just asked!" I say sarcastically.
"Sure! I'll shut up and let you go back to your little life! Not like I'm being held against my will here."
Bon Bon gritted her teeth, "You're not SPECIAL in that case! Do you know how many hundreds of ponies and other creatures we've had held here? Some of them, yes, were not necessary. But the thousands of ponies who threatened our society made this necessary."
She continued, "We've saved Equestria from threats you've never even heard of! So my apologies that we can't just have some third party running around with the abilities of a Chaos God! We already have ONE. And you causing scenes and being intentionally aggressive only makes you look WORSE! It seems to me you're trying your hardest to STAY here!"
I slowly clap my hooves, "Bravo bravo, you assisted a secret agency and are suffering the consequences of your own actions. You had a choice, and in your case, it looks like Stockholm syndrome. You were either beaten or brainwashed into helping them or blackmailed into being the long arm of Celestia's marshmallow buns."
"Do you really have no memory, or was the one thing you got from Pinkie Pie other than your looks is you forgetting everything because you're stuck in your own head?" Bon Bon shot back venomously. "When I joined, I was desperate to keep the ponies I love safe. And we have done a lot of good, far more than you have ever done, I might add. Cities, possibly Equestria entirely, might not even exist if we weren't around. The Elements of Harmony aren't the only ones protecting ponies!"
"So stop acting like you're so special!" Her eyes narrowed, "Especially when you're just a faded, imperfect copy of the real Pinkie Pie."
I raise my brow at Bonnie, a desperate plea to get me in the dirt and rubbing elbows with her. She isn't worth the time or bruises to brawl, "I'm not arguing with a mare who can't even see that she's in the wrong here. Let's just move along so you get your mandated lunch break."
Bon Bon's face went red, and without warning, she slapped Pinkamena across the face. Turning away, she refused to look at the Detective and simply trotted down the hallway, directing the two guards to stay by and keep her from wandering off.
One of the guards cringed as he approached, repeatedly glancing back toward Bon Bon before taking a position by the pink pony, leaving them in an awkward silence.
".....Is anyone gonna get me something to eat? I think someponies are hangry." I say as I drum my hoof against the ground.
