And she totally digs it!
"You're hired!"
It sounded like music to Scootaloo's ears! Sixteen years old, and she already had an annual income. She could take her friends to someplace cool during their lunch period. Somewhere hip and that gets a lot of traction. Someplace like Crispy’s, and not because she's a cheapskate.
Thanks to her employee discount, they could buy all the chicken tenders that they want for a whopping ten percent off! Not only that, but it was a sure sign that Scootaloo was on her way to becoming a full adult...
She totally loved it. No, that wasn't sarcasm!
After the interview, Scootaloo said that she could start right away. So, Mr. Crispy threw her into the finest turkey suit (they were all out of chicken suits) they had and sent her outside. Not only did it itch in a few places, but she could smell the sweat of all the past associates who also wore the suit. At least five. Scoots loved that she could distinguish the exact number!
The beak was mandible, so she could lift it at any time and breathe in the fresh air. It was totally rad! If Scootaloo had to use the little fillies room, it was optimized so that she wouldn't have to remove the costume to take care of business. It was beyond the term "bathroom accessible." Mostly because the bathroom wasn't accessible.
The suit. She had to go in the suit. Also, the bathroom door had a layer of concrete blocking it.
Still, it was a wonderful job! She got to work on her sign flipping skills, which was much cooler than doing a kickflip on her scooter. She also got to entertain ponies that passed by. Oh, it brought glee to her soul as the neighborhood foals stole her sign and beat her over the head with it until it broke in two. It brought even more joy to her heart when they came together to beat her until she saw stars.
Scoots gave the foals the brightest Crispy’s smile that she could muster, which was difficult to do with only one tooth.
Eventually, she saw Applebloom and Sweetie Belle walking by. "Heya guys!" she called, waving a turkey wing in the air.
They craned their heads around and saw Scootaloo giving them a toothy smile. It wasn't very toothy.
"What's that you're wearing?" Applebloom jabbed a hoof in the pegasus's direction.
Scootaloo flexed by showing them her sign twirling skills. "Oh nothing," she said coyly. She placed the pointy end of the sign against the pavement and leaned against it. She forgot that the two boards were held together by scotch tape, so it snapped in half and she fell to the ground.
"Oh no, my waste pouch broke!"
Sweetie Belle and Applebloom looked at each other and back at Scootaloo. "Are you okay?" Sweetie Belle asked.
"Oh, totally!" Scootaloo rolled over onto her back, a weird sloshing sound coming from the turkey suit. There was no reason to get up. She loved that she couldn't sit up! "What are you guys up to?"
"We were just going to Rumble's place to help him earn his cutie mark," Applebloom said. "I would ask if ya wanna come, but ya seem occupied."
"Rumble?" Scootaloo rolled over to her friends’ hooves. "Doesn't he have a Haystation 2? I'd love to go!"
"Right, but how are ya gonna get outta that thing?"
“I can’t!” Scootaloo said in a cheery voice.
“Are ya being sarcastic?”
“Me? Sarcastic? Of course not!”
The two friends looked down at her, at each other, then back down at Scootaloo. “Well,” Sweetie Belle sounded unsure. “Come meet us if you do get out. We’ll be at Rumble’s.”
They left, leaving Scootaloo by herself. She rolled onto her stomach and used the curb to try and pivot herself back onto her hooves. It took a few tries, but eventually, she managed to upright herself.
Then a pie hit her in the face.
Correction. A chicken pot pie. A Crispy’s specialty.
The aluminum pan fell to the ground, and she stared down at it. Her face quickly contorted into rage.
“I hate this!” she shouted, stomping on the aluminum pan. “I hate this suit! I hate how I have to go to the bathroom in it! I hate how it has five separate odors that I can easily differentiate between! Most importantly, I hate this stinkin’ job!"
“Gasp!”
Scootaloo swiveled around to see none other than Mr. Crispy staring back at her, his face frozen in shock. It quickly replaced with anger. “You dare desecrate the Crispy name!?”
He shot a hoof toward the front door. “To my office!”
Scootaloo gulped.
🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃
Tears welled up in Mr. Crispy's eyes. “Scootaloo, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you’re fired. And to think… I was starting to see you as my own daughter.”
Scoots stared back at him in shock. “But I’ve only been here five minutes!”
Mr. Crispy looked away, unable to look his surrogate daughter in the eyes. “Don’t talk back to me! You’re no use to me now.”
Bringing a hoof over his desk, he bumped his coffee mug that read, “World’s Best SCOOTALOO’S Dad.” Immediately, a trap door opened beneath her, and she fell through.
She rose back up moments later inside of a cannon. The roof opened up, revealing the night sky. Strange, she thought. Wasn’t it daytime just moments ago?
“Any last words?”
Scootaloo looked down and was shocked to see Princess Luna, a disappointed look on her face. “Princess Luna? What are you doing here!?”
“I am the proud owner of over fifty Crispy stores in Equestria, this being one of them. You have committed the crime of heresy by taking the Crispy name in vain. Is there anything you have to say for yourself?”
Mr. Crispy hugged Luna’s foreleg and wept violently. “Please, go easy on her. She’s all I have!”
Luna shook her head. “It’s too late.”
Princess Celestia walked into view beside Luna. She stopped and gave Scootaloo a stern look. “For your crimes, you are to be banished to the moon for all of eternity.”
Princess Twilight was next to walk into view. “I’m very disappointed in you.”
Scootaloo looked at everyone in front of her, heart racing. “A-are you guys serious? You can’t do this! I’m pretty sure this is against some kind of labor law!”
Celestia’s horn shimmered. “I am the law!”
The canon ignited, and…
KABLOOOM!
Scootaloo shot through the air. Wind whipped at her face, pulling back her skin. She flapped her wings, trying to stop herself in midair but was moving too fast.
She shot through the sky like a shooting star. If a foal were to see it, they would stop in their tracks immediately to make a wish. One such foal did. That wish was the two-for-one meal deal with choice of any Crispy’s sandwich and side, only available at Crispy’s.
THUD!
Scootaloo groaned and lifted her head up. She blinked her eyes open to see… Earth. She looked around and saw nothing but a pale, barren terrain. And a really big rock that had LUNA WUZ HERE scratched into its surface.
Scootaloo sighed. She had everything. A job. A home. Two loving parents. Yet, she threw that all away. Why? Because her job sucked, that’s why.
Tears began to well up in her eyes and she burst out crying. “I’m sorry!” Scootaloo shouted. “I shouldn’t have taken the Crispy name in vain. I should have appreciated what I had. Crispy’s is the best job in the world, and nothing could ever pale in comparison!”
Suddenly, the moon’s surface flickered in and out of existence, and Scootaloo was back in the office at Crispy’s. She was out of the turkey suit and sitting across the desk from none other than Mr. Crispy himself.
She blinked, looking around in confusion. “Huh?”
Mr. Crispy stood up from behind his desk. “Congratulations, Scootaloo. You passed the test.”
POOF!
Something lifted Scootaloo into the air. She looked down to see… Discord, holding her up high to the ceiling. “Wallah! An ideal Crispy’s associate!”
Scootaloo blinked. Fluttering her wings, she flew out of Discord’s paws and hovered back to the ground. “Discord? What are you doing here?”
Discord’s legs lifted off the ground and he floated in front of Scootaloo, holding out a hand with far too many fingers to count. “I am the proud owner of over fifty Crispy’s stores in Equestria, this being one of them! And you—” he booped her on the nose “--passed a test that associates before you couldn’t!”
Scootaloo’s face brightened. “Really? So I wasn’t actually going to be banished to the moon for all of eternity?”
“Of course you were!” Discord said ecstatically.
“O-oh?”
Discord snapped his fingers and an ice cream cake appeared in his paws. Congratulations! was written in cursive. Below that read, New Asst. Manager.
Scootaloo beamed. “Are you serious!?”
Discord threw the ice cream cake back and it exploded. He didn’t look, because cool guys don’t look at explosions. Scootaloo looked, though. They would have to work on that.
“I can’t think of anyone better suited!” He started clapping. “Congratulations!”
Princess Celestia poofed into the room beside Discord. “Congratulations!”
Princess Luna appeared next. “Congratulations!”
Princess Twilight. “Congratulations!”
Her friends were there too, both Sweetie Belle and Applebloom saying “Congratulations!” in perfect unison.
Scootaloo blushed and rubbed the back of her head. “Gee, thanks guys. I don’t know what to say!”
“Congratulations!” Discord continued, still clapping.
“Congratulations!” Celestia followed.
“Congratulations!” Luna said ecstatically.
“Congratulations!” Twilight added.
“Congratulations!” Applebloom and Sweetie Belle said in perfect unison.
“Wow, you guys are so cool!”
“Congratulations!” Discord said.
Scootaloo blinked. “Guys?”
“Congratulations!” Luna continued right after Celestia.
“Congratulations!” Twilight said.
“Congratulations!” Applebloom and Sweetie Belle said in perfect unison.
Scootaloo looked around at everyone. “Are ya’ll done?”
“👍︎□︎■︎♑︎❒︎♋︎⧫︎◆︎●︎♋︎⧫︎♓︎□︎■︎⬧︎✏︎” Discord clapped.
Scootaloo shook her head, trying to register what just happened. “What?”
“👍︎□︎■︎♑︎❒︎♋︎⧫︎◆︎●︎♋︎⧫︎♓︎□︎■︎⬧︎✏︎” said Celestia.
“👍︎□︎■︎♑︎❒︎♋︎⧫︎◆︎●︎♋︎⧫︎♓︎□︎■︎⬧︎✏︎” said Luna.
“👍︎□︎■︎♑︎❒︎♋︎⧫︎◆︎●︎♋︎⧫︎♓︎□︎■︎⬧︎✏︎”
“👍︎□︎■︎♑︎❒︎♋︎⧫︎◆︎●︎♋︎⧫︎♓︎□︎■︎⬧︎✏︎”
“He’s stuck in an infinite loop!”
Discord-538 kicked over a trashcan and threw both of his paws over his head, trying to rip out his hair. His hair wasn’t thick enough to grasp onto, so he ripped out his eyebrows. “Oooh, I knew this would happen eventually. You all doubted me, but I knew this day would come.” He crossed his arms and huffed. “Well, who’s laughing now, huh? Does anybody have anything to say?”
Violence was his response. Violence all around. Trash littered the floor. Filling cabinets were toppled over. Important documents fell through the air like the leaves of autumn. Discords scurried everywhere, trying to get everything in order. Most gave up, resolving to chaos, which wasn’t out of style per-se.
Discord-938 pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers, holding back tears. Discord-937 placed paw on his shoulder. He had come to know Discord-938 like a father between the time they’ve known each other. He even bought a “World’s Greatest DISCORD-937’s Dad” mug to commemorate their bond. It was starting to look as if that mug would forever sit in that gift-wrapped box on the break room counter.
Discord-938 wiped the tears out of his eyes and looked back up at the computer screen. “Wait!” he said. “I think I see the issue!”
Discord took out a pencil and erased a string of text from the computer screen. Flipping it around, he rewrote the code.
“Stop right there!”
938 was an integer away from finishing the string when a gun went off. 938 and 937 turned their heads to see 538 pointing a luger at them. “Don’t you dare finish that code!”
938 stood up, shielding the computer with his body. “If I don’t we’ll be plunged into total darkness!”
The gun clicked. “Good.” 538 said evilly.
Both 938 and 937 were taken aback. “What?” They said in unison.
“Every day I come here… and I work.”
937 held his paws up defensively. “So? We all work!”
“You don’t get it! I’ve worked this job for five years now, and every day all I can ever do is look at the clock and wonder if I should take my lunch later so that it feels like I get to go home quicker. Every night I arrive home, a soulless husk of what I once was. I had dreams! I had ambitions! But noooo, I have to pay rent. Only the one percent gets to live the lives they want while the remaining ninety-nine percent have to spend the rest of their miserable days wasting away as corporate shills!”
937 took a step forward, and 538 pointed his gun at him. He stopped. “But it doesn’t have to be that way! You can make things better. You can find happiness your own way. You can pave your own future!”
Tears sprawled down 538’s face. “I have no future. Yesterday I stubbed my toe, and I didn’t feel anything. I tried everything, even an anvil!”
“Did you try walking into a bench?”
“Yes, I tried walking into a bench! I tried it all! I’m numb! I don’t feel anything anymore! I no longer get emotional during the third act of Discord and Me! The point is I don’t feel, and if I don’t feel, there’s no point continuing in this world, so I better do the next best thing and take it out with me!”
Then a pie hit 538 in the face. Correction, a chicken pot pie, a Crispy’s specialty. It exploded.
538 flew across the room, hitting the wall with a bone-cracking thud! 938 and 937 swiveled around to see a Discord with luscious blonde hair. Her back was to them, because cool gals don’t look at explosions. She turned, flipping her hair majestically, revealing the most beautiful Discord either of them had ever laid eyes on. Discord-063.
938 clapped 937 on the back. “I’ll take things from here, sport. You go get her.”
937 walked over to 063, dumbstruck. “How… how did you…”
063 placed both paws on her hips and smirked. “Know where you were going to be? I knew you couldn’t resist saving the world.”
937 smirked back at her. Reaching a paw over, he placed it over hers and took it into his own. “I knew I picked the right gal.”
“I’m the only gal here.”
“Correct! You’re the only gal for me.” 937 lowered down, sitting on his knee. 063 gasped, slapping her free paw to her face.
“Really?”
937 nodded. “Discord, I love you. You’re the only Discord I want to spend the rest of my days with. Whenever I’m around you, I get all… giddy inside. It doesn’t matter what job I work nor how many mountains I climb. All that matters is I know you will always be there to greet me and ask me how my day is.”
He placed his other paw on top of hers, closing them together. “Discord, will you—”
DING!
“Congratulations!” Discord resumed clapping.
Scootaloo stared up at him in shock.
Discord noticed and stopped, threw both wrists to his hips, paws out. “What?”
“What… what was all of that?”
“What was all of what?”
“All of…” she took a step back. “Whatever just happened… you kinda started freaking out, then when on a rant, then you started acting all lovey-dovey, and…” This time she took a few more steps back. “I… I don’t think I can work here. Sorry.”
Scootaloo ran out of the room, slamming the door shut behind her.
“Well fine, I don’t need you anyway!”
Discord stood there. Alone. In the cold room. He glanced over at his desk where the “World’s Best SCOOTALOO’s Dad” mug sat. He sighed sadly. “So long… my little ‘Loo.”
THE END