Anon writes a shit fic collab for personal lulz but the residents of ponyville read it.
Anon has been in Equestria for a hot minute. He's met almost everypony, seen the sights, and has settled in pretty well. A year or two goes by and he gets a bit bored of the clean society. Equestrian books are nice but they lack a certain earthly charm. What does he decide to do? Well, he writes a series of shit fics for home use because why not? Unfortunately, due to an accident, it makes it's way outside to the public.....
-Author's Note: Decided to jump in the Anon bandwagon and make a series. I'm kinda winging it, it's been awhile since I've written anything, so why not try something new? Not sure how many characters I'll write about, so it will be left incomplete unless I get bored and done. Rated mature for swearing, and possible sexual themes.
The morning sun rose and peered through the window of Anonymous' master bedroom. His eyelids were no match as the sunbeams slowly woke him up, despite his plans to sleep on a Sunday morning. While the Equestrians didn't call it Sunday, Anon referred to it as such in a useless act of defiance to maintain his earthly norms. He yawned and scratched his impressively packed nuts hidden in his green underwear with a giant question mark adorned over the main prize.
"Fine! I'm awake....stupid ass sun...''
After a good shower, he got into his casual shorts and t-shirt before getting a cup of coffee. One sip later, his attitude pulled a 180 from "Annoyed as hell" to "Yeah, I'm okay with this.". As he ate a bowl of marshmallow Minnie-MooniesTM and a banana, he wondered what he was going to do on his last day off.
"I only have one day left before I go to work; what will I do?
As he looked into his living room, he was reminded of his limited options. Cable TV and Youtube weren't options since Equestria lacked the same robust telecommunications goodies earth had. It was rather regrettable since home entertainment was mainly made for Equestria's super social family and friend structure. If you were an earthly human bachelor or otherwise loner, you were boned. Yeah, he had a SNES equivalent and TV.....of sorts. Equestria was still lagging behind in the video game consoles department, which was okay, but the titles were mostly pony suited. They were new at first, but the unique charm wore off as the similarities of earth games became more apparent. Since there was no internet, he had no computer, which meant no PC master race.
Taking another bite of his usual breakfast, Anon disregarded the game console. His eye made their way to the bookshelf, which was stacked with a decent collection of books. While mostly filled with fiction, a good amount of helpful non-fiction was amongst the rest. Anon did have to admit Twilight did give him a good collection of books suited to his tastes, and unlike Spike, he never let a gift in the form of a book go to waste. The problem was, he'd read them all...
"All read, nothing new. And I don't feel like brushing up on my math and Obscure Unicorn History...."
Of course, he could head to the local crystal castle and ask for a couple new books, but knowing Twilight Sparkle, she would want to chat with him. He wasn't in the mood for chatty ponies, boring scientific lessons, and the occasional request for odd magical experiments. She did get a bit better with her weird quirks and was still a nice and cute pony. If it was just Spike at the castle, it would be cool to hang with him, but he had been busy as of late. Same for Starlight Glimmer; she was pretty cool but was unusually busy. Same for Big Mac; neither he nor the dragon was around for a good game of DnD. He didn't like the title Ogres and Oubliettes as it sounded like a dollar store rip-off.
Putting away his dishes in the sink, Anon groaned,
"Good fucking GOD!!!! I wanna stay in and avoid the ponies for a change, but it's boring! Seriously, I love you little horses, but hurry up and invent the cyber, for Christ's sake!"
A flash of lightning boomed and startled the man. Even though ponies created the weather with magic, God apparently heard the name of the Son taken in vain and decided to punish him.
"Woah, it was sunny just an hour ago, and now it's pissing rain?...... Eh fuck it, don't feel like leaving still. But it's still boring."
Anon sat his ass in the master chair in his living room and pondered his options.
Anon got right back up and sifted through the book cabinet one last time.
"Let's see, Cooking for Grandma? Pass. Equestrian History 101? Already read it. Secret porno stash of mags hidden in a fake book cover?"
Opening the disguised book was a small set of naughty mags designed to be easily hidden. Most of them consisted of hot pony butts due to the lack of proper human bobs, but the pony vegana was more or less the same as a woman's. Anon lucked out on that one, one of several silver linings of being separated from Earth. From Mare Butts Monthly to Giggity Griffins, Anon put the sexy collection back in the hidden book cover. He jacked off quite a bit last night and felt like avoiding a self-nutting session for now. His balls after did hurt last night, so it was better to not risk it.
"Already done that. Don't wanna hurt mah boys. Let's see......I've read'em all, it seems. These books are too pony-like. I like these equine guys and gals, but damn, they're just too clean! No fart jokes, no stupidly immature stuff, nothing. All PG-rated humor and shit...."
Before resigning to his fate of boredom, eyes made their way over to the desk in the corner. He had loads of Ye Old school Parchment paper and Quills sitting there. He made a couple of doodles, shopping lists, and random notes here and there, but nothing else...until it hit him like a load of steaming...
"SHIT! That's it! That's the answer! SHIT SHIT SHEEEEEEET! HO-YEAH!"
Anon pulled the small desk chair back and sat down. He grabbed a piece of paper and quill before he began writing. Loads of absurd story ideas were flowing in his head, and every one of them was juicy brown gold.
"Writing my own personal collection of shit fics? Yeah, this will make my ass laugh. Some coffee and good ol' writing? I think I'll be fine."
Anon was grateful as the storm raged on, providing helpful background noise. Usually, he used his Alexa back on earth for sleep noises or music, but the bitch spying device wasn't around to make herself useful. He doubted Bezos was gonna just magically send him a new one.
"Screw that scrotum head; this is where it's at! Now let's see....what kind of shit fic will I start with?"
Choosing the first pony to pop in his head, Anon went twerk and crafted his first story. Reading it to himself, he busted out laughing and set it aside before starting another. Hours and hours went by, and Anon amassed an impressive collection of his own goofball stories. And best the part was he still had plenty of paper and quills left. Organizing each story, he set them aside before heading back to the secret stash in the bookcase.
"Ya know? My balls feel better already....I'll start no nut November tomorrow....tonight wouldn't hurt, I suppose."
Putting the rest back, he carried a copy of Mega Milf Mares to his bedroom and got butt naked as the sun went down and the moon came up. He fell asleep in bed shortly after finishing.
It was now Monday morning and time for Anonymous to leave for his job. Completing his usual morning routine, he put on his Monday suit and headed to the Ponyville Bank. Sure, it wasn't the most glamorous job, but he knew his numbers and had a damn good suit to boot. Ponies did respect the man in the suit, and he owed Rarity for the wonderful job. Despite the heavy rain yesterday, the ground surprisingly wasn't bad for his shoes. Making it into town, the residents of Ponyville were moving about their daily routines and waved to Anon hello. Smiling and waving back, he turned a corner only to run into a busy dragon.
"Oof! Sorry, Anonymous, I didn't see you there."
Holding a fist bump, the man returned the greeting to the dragon.
"No problem, dude. You seemed to be in a rush. Something wrong?"
Spike caught his breath and replied,
"Yeah, Twilight needs more paper and quills. Word is there's a possible shortage due to an accident at the Baltimore Paper Mill. She wanted me to go buy some before they're sold out. News spread fast, and you know how much she uses daily."
"Woah, that's not good! But you're in luck, bro; I have a TON of them. Twilight left me a bunch when I got to my house. Something about friendship lessons and that I'll need them and what not. You can have the rest of them."
The dragon's eyes widened in surprise.
"Seriously!? Thanks! This saves me the trip to the store and competing with every pony."
Doing his best Fonzi pose, Anon replied,
"Aaaay! No problem, bro! Just take them all; I don't need them. I'll buy some more when this all blows over. The door is unlocked, and they're on a desk in the living room corner near the front entrance. I gotta get to the bank, so I'll see you later."
"Thanks! We need to play OnO sometime! Big Mac will be free later this week!"
Spike immediately ran off and waved goodbye before making a beeline to his house. Smiling to himself, the man walked to the bank and went inside, confident this day couldn't go wrong.
Then it happened.....he detected a disturbance in the NotForceTM.
I forgot something......I left the Milf Mag in the living room.....Eh, he can have it; he's around that age anyway. Better to introduce him to the right kind of ladies. This is fine."
Spike finally made it to Anon's house, and true to his word, the door was unlocked. The living room was big and classy, not something Spike expected. He was also surprised to see Anon had a Ponivision TV and Super Neightendo. Neatly organized amongst it was practically every single video game release he knew and then some he didn't even know existed.
"Woah, Anon's loaded for sure! Guess that bank job pays well."
Also in view was the rather large collection of books Twilight gave Anon when he finally bought his house. It was her housewarming gift to Anonymous, and while the man liked it, Spike really could only think,
"Meh. Now, where's those supplies?"
Remembering his words, Spike turned and noticed the desk in the corner of the room. Anon wasn't joking when he said he had plenty of supplies. Stacks of paper and quills were there, along with a stack of what looked like a rather large pile of completed letters, each with cover pages.
"Huh? What's this?"
Each "letter" had several pages and was separated only by its cover pages, which were labeled by the recipients' names and nothing else.
"Let's see, Twilight Sparkle, blah blah, yadda yadda....oh, these must be letters he wrote! Quite a bit...I know! I can repay him by dropping these off at the post office! Except for Twilight because I live with her and what not."
It was going to take Spike several trips back and forth, so he decided to grab the supplies first with Twilight's letter. Once he finished putting the supplies and notes in his backpack, he gleefully walked his way out of the house and closed the door behind him.
It took a while for Spike to make trips to Anon's house and back, but it was easier than waiting in line all day. And sure enough, after dropping off the last letters, the line to the store was still long. Happy about his work well done, Spike returned to the castle. Upon arrival, he found Twilight in the library room, enjoying a book. She waved him over upon his entry.
"Hey, Spike! You're done already?"
"Yup! Dropped off all the supplies in your office. Best part? I got them for free!"
Putting the book down, Twilight got up and stretched her legs before continuing,
"Really? How did you pull that off? You didn't steal, did you?"
Shaking his head, Spike smiled,
"Of course not! Come on, Twilight, if I were to steal something, it would be the ice cream in the kitchen."
He immediately facepalmed himself as the purple alicorn smirked at him.
"So that WAS you! I knew it. What did I say about late-night desert raiding?"
He signed in defeat and slumped down, knowing he messed up.
"Yeah, no late-night ice cream raiding; it will be future Spike's problem....again."
Lightly giggling, Twilight hovered the book back onto the shelf.
"It's okay, Spike. Speaking of which, I do believe it's lunchtime. Let's go to the kitchen."
Spike nodded before pulling out a small stack of papers.
"Oh, I almost forgot, this is for you! Anon wrote it."
Twilight turned back and took the papers from his claws, hovering before her eyes.
"A letter? Almost like a book. It just says my name....hmmm. I think I'll read this later. I don't know why he wrote this, but I'm excited!"
Squealing in excitement, Twilight set the papers down on the small library table, only to see Spike had a second set.
"This one is for Starlight! Is she around?"
The princess shook her head.
"No, but we can drop it off later. Come on, Spike, let's get some lunch."
After a good serving of daffodil sandwiches, Spike's leftover hay fries, and tea, he ran to his room to relax, leaving Twilight alone. The purple princess decided now was a good time to read whatever Anonymous wrote. She couldn't help but wonder what it could be. As curious as she was, it pleased her that the idea of him writing a very long and detailed friendship lesson from a practically alien species was in her library. The thought also occurred to her that it could very well be a confession of love, as she did have a crush on him not too long ago. The problem was her hints went over the man's head. Anon was no different than stallions in that regard, but the thought it might be a love letter made her blush anyway.
Halfway down the main hall, Twilight spotted Starlight Glimmer, who appeared lightly sweating and out of breath. She was in the process of opening the door to her room before she noticed her friend. Waving a hoof, she greeted,
"Oh, hey Twilight, I just got back from practicing some spells near the lake. Normally I'd do them here, but the weather is much better than yesterday. I couldn't resist it even if it were a bit exhausting."
"I don't blame you, I felt like going outside today, but I got sucked into a neat little book. And speaking of such..."
Twilight used magic, making the "letter" Anon wrote for Starlight appear. As Starlight took it with her magic, Twilight realized Anon wrote one of equal size for her.
"Oh dear, it's likely not a love letter if he wrote one for her too...oh well, a mare can hope, though."
"What is this? It says my name on the cover but nothing else."
Rubbing the back of her head, Twilight continued,
"I'm not sure, really; Anonymous wrote it. He wrote one for me too. I have no clue what they're about."
Rubbing her chin, Starlight shrugged and set it aside on her bed.
"Thanks, Twilight; I'm going to take a shower and read it when I'm done. Catch you later!"
As Starlight closed the door, Twilight made her way back to the library room, but it an increased pace.
"I think I'll read Anon's letter now. It can't be bad at all....can it?"
Twilight locked the door to the library room and sat down on the chair, ready to read the letter.
Spike chilled on his bed and held in his claws a weird-looking magazine. He found it on the floor in Anon's house, and curiosity got the better as he took it during his last run to the man's house. Spike was sure he wouldn't mind; he would, after all, take it back when he was done with it. But the title was a bit strange and had many smiling mares on the cover.
"Hmm, what's in this.......WOAH!!! HOLY GUACAMOLE!"
There were butts....nothing but butts. Big butts, fit butts, younger butts, some butts more mature than others, and it wasn't even limited to just mares. There were griffins, minotaurs, donkeys, and much more. It was just butts and more butts, and he didn't know what to think.
"I.....I....need to read more....."
As he turned a page, he landed on the centerfold and saw the most enormous booty he'd ever laid eyes on. There it was in its greatest glory. The mare in the photo could only be described in one word...
One year ago.......
"Thicc!"
A mare with a rather large rump passed Anonymous, making the man turn his head and admire the wonderfully shaped rear end. Spike also turned his head, but he didn't fully understand the big deal.
"Huh? What are you talking about, Anon?"
Shaking his head out of the rear-end-induced daze, Anon rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment.
"Well, Spike....you see......okay, bro, I'm going to level with you. Look at that lady over there."
The man pointed to the lady who had just passed them, and Spike still couldn't understand the big deal.
"So what? It's just some random lady."
Facepalming, Anon pointed at another mare across the street.
"Concentrate, Spike, what do you see? There's a detail that stands out."
The dragon concentrated hard but couldn't understand what he was looking for. To him, it just seemed like a random mare.
"I...I just don't get it. What is it?"
A grin appeared on the man's face, and he replied with the word that no bird had ever heard before.
"Thicc. It's Thicc, Spike. She's an absolute unit. You might not understand now, but trust me. You soon will.'
Scratching his head in confusion, Spike tried his best to understand.
"Thick?"
"No, bro, THICC. With two letter Cs. Ladies are built a certain way. And the best way is THICC."
Anon put a hand on the dragon's shoulder, and Spike looked into his eyes.
"It will come to you one day, and you'll understand what I mean. It will change your life....forever. You'll know what to do when the time is right."
"THICC! DAYUM! SHE'S A UNIT!"
And that very day, his sack grew three times larger, signifying he finally leveled up.
Twilight Sparkle loves books....no seriously, she really does.
Twilight Sparkle was nervous and excited at the same time. In her possession was Anonymous' letter/book to her, and she didn't know what to expect.
"Okay, is this a friendship report? A love letter? Well, here goes nothing."
Setting the cover page aside, Princess Twilight quickly noticed the format was that of a story. Now her curiosity was piqued.
"A short story? Oh, how exciting!"
Twilight Sparkle stood in the main chamber of the overly pretty purple crystal castle that replaced her tree house library, which burnt to the ground due to Tirek's flaming pee-pee. Despite that, it contained the charm of a stale library that smelled of old pages and elderly mares past their ovary expiration date. It had books too, which was all that mattered to her. It was also the main feature of the castle, along with the friendship map. She wouldn't admit it publicly, but she considered the books more important to her than the map.
"I sure do love books!" said Twilight to nopony in particular without any prompt or reason.
Books were everywhere, which was expected in a library. After the bonfire of her old house, the smaller purple pretty Princess Twiley begged the bigger and better blinding light Princess Sunnybutt for more monies. It took plenty of "pretty pleases!" and many cakes made by the Cakes, but the money eventually flowed freely into her royal bank account. And every single bit of it was spent on books. It didn't matter if the local orphanage needed the funds; books came first.
Busting through the door, Spikey the BAMF pointed at the Princess and said,
"My lady liege! Something is happening at the local book fair! You are needed NOW!"
Princess Twily stood up and resolved to face whatever happened at the book fair. Details didn't matter unless they were in the books, which ALWAYS mattered to her. Hoping on Spike's back, she slapped his butt with a horsewhip she conjured herself from her horn. Spike sprinted out of the castle towards Poonyville's village square, which was square-shaped. Spike had no issue running so fast, as this physical endeavor wasn't difficult for him. He opted to eat weights for breakfast instead of rainbow-colored gems he used to eat too to get swoll.
The corrupted and constantly rigged Mayor, also known as Mare, jumped two backflips in joy at the sight of the superior Princess.
"Your majesty! Thank you for coming here quickly. I'm utterly useless and corrupt. I can't get enough bribes to fix this issue alone."
Twilight jumped off Spike and greeted the useless local politician.
"Fear not, for I am here presently now. What problem has bothered this wonderful convention of sandwiched reading papers?"
The mayor pointed at the convention, and the books were stacked somewhat haphazardly and out of order. This was no good, as nopony would be able to spend the useless FIAT currency, which was not backed by gold.
"Oh, noes! If it's out of order, nopony will be able to buy what they want with their useless debt-backed currency!"
The mayor went, "!?" Spike's hand covered her mouth before the low-level government stooge could further ask questions.
"Stand back, everypony! Your wonderful royal ruler will solve this emergency."
The crowd of measly six ponies, all betas and nerds, stood back and out of her way. Using a magically excellent magic spell, Twilight zapped all the books, and a tornado formed out of them. It spun until the books magically sorted themselves in the best way possible, known as the right way.
"There you go, fellow losers! Books for all to be found!"
A donkey behind her blew a bugle half-assed and played her anthem, which sounded like farts. The ponies mildly applauded at the significant overreaction to the problem.
"The day is saved, Sir Spike the BAMF! Let us depart to Cantaloupe and tell Princess Sunny of our feats!"
The buff-ass dragon nodded and carried her on his back. He jumped far in a single leap to Cantaloupe. This was due to him not skipping leg day like a pussy. Busting through the stained glass and into the main throne room, Twilight announced herself in the royal Cantaloupe voice.
"FRUIT MARES!"
The court was full of two princesses; the rest consisted of NPCs. They applauded with their hoof stomping. Some got cut by the shattered glass, but that wasn't important.
"Princess Twiggy! You have arrived epically! Thank you for removing that eye-sore stained glass window. I don't even remember what it depicted on the account I never looked up, but I'll bet it was filled with fail."
Princess Looney Mooney cheered and hollered in agreeance while Spike's fist bumped relentlessly.
"Thank you, Princess Sunbutt. I solved a book problem in the town. It was bad, but I solved it because I'm an obsessive-compulsive pony about books. I sure do love books!"
Celestia laughed in unison with Luna, and so did the other ponies in the room. Luna spoke up,
"Good to hear! But we have a present for thee! Come forth to her, thou!"
Using her super blue magic from her horn, Mooney lifted a fit man in a nicely made suit, carrying a bouquet of roses and a book called Making Mares Cum for Dummies. This was no ordinary man, for he was the only one of them all in the entire country.
"Hello! I am Mr. Unknown Placeholder. I want to be your best husbando. Your dad beat me up, and your mother gave me her blessing to totes knock you up for mutant offspring foals. Or something like that; your dad cracked my ribs, so I didn't pay attention. But he did call me son and was proud that I wanted to marry you after he started crying in happiness."
She sealed his lips shut using her purple-colored magic since he kept talking too much.
"You had me at hubando, foals, and the rest. Whatever it was you said, I didn't pay much attention, other than that you're hot and like books."
Mr. Placeholder didn't say he liked books, but he smiled like a retard because she was correct. Books tended to make one smart.
Everypony cheered at the soon-to-be-married couple, and the Sun Princess ordered the cooks to make a buffet right there, as well as a party too. She pulled out a can and opened it, causing a pink pony to appear like a genie wearing a Pizza turban.
"I am the greatest party genie! Pinkie Pizzer Pie! Your wish for a party is my command!"
The supernatural entity smashed her hooves, and magic stuff happened. The place was filled immediately with typical party decorations, albeit book themed. Taking in a big whiff of air, Twilight commented,
"Ah! Stale and old, just how a library is like!"
As everypony ate pizzas, they had to do so quietly. It was a library, after all. The silence was golden, and so were her books, man, and friends as they were shiny golden statues.
After the not boring party, Mr. Placeholder and Princess Purple lived happily ever after in the crystal library, doing nothing but reading books, banging like horny rabbits, and doing the bare minimum royalty stuff because it wasn't fun working.
The End
Princess Twilight had no clue what she had just read. The story, in its entirety, was utterly confusing and horrible in quality. She couldn't tell whether this was in jest or if he was genuinely serious. More importantly, she couldn't tell what Anon's intent was in sending her this.
"Maybe I need to reread it...."
For the next 30 minutes, she would read the story repeatedly in a vain attempt to find a hidden message or meaning. Ultimately, she set the story on the table and stared forward while blinking a few times. A small giggle began, then eventually evolved into a maniacal laugh. Her mane became increasingly disheveled before a creepy smile formed on her face.
"WHAT THE BUCK DID I JUST READ?!?!?!?!"
The laughing continued rising in volume before her right eye began to twitch.
"This is clearly a nervous attempt at a love confession letter! I sure do love books! HAHAHAHAHA! I mean.........there's still a chance, right?!"
The laughing eventually enveloped the room with echoes and no signs of abating. Twilight's mind had melted down, and only a hard reset would fix it.
Eeyup, shucks, hicks, howdy-doodles and GAAWWLLEE!
After putting the last cart of harvested apples into the barn, Applejack wiped the sweat from her brow and took her hat off, hoping to get some air to her sweaty mane. As she used her stetson hat as a hoof fan, she realized that her last chore for the day was finished sooner than expected. This gave the mare a well-earned sense of self-satisfaction.
"Heheheh, I didn't think it'd be that easy!"
Closing the barn door and putting her hat back on, Applejack turned around to see Rainbow Dash.
"Well, howdy there, Dash! I didn't expect to see you today."
Rainbow Dash simply hooved her a letter and said,
"I wasn't expecting to come here, but Derpy needed some help with the mail. No weather plans were scheduled today, so it wasn't a big deal to help her out."
Applejack took the letter and noticed it said her name on the cover. There was nothing else indicating who it came from.
"Umm....who is this from again?"
Rainbow Dash smiled and held a letter of her own up.
"Derpy said it's from Anon; he made one for several ponies. Spike dropped them off at the post office for him. I know Twilight got one for sure. I dropped off Fluttershy's letter directly to her. Not sure what they're about; it's kind of big for a letter. Rumor is, Anon made a story for each of us!"
Raising an eyebrow, Applejack looked back at her friend and asked,
"Do you know why he made one? Kind of out of the ordinary for him. I never knew he was one for writing books n' all."
Rolling her eyes, Rainbow Dash replied,
"He's been here for two years, Applejack; you should know he likes reading and all that stuff. Remember when he mentioned he liked reading and writing, and Twilight gave him all those books for his housewarming party?"
Applejack did remember Anonymous' House Warming Party. Pinkie Pie managed to outdo herself in what was intended to be a small party into a full-blown rowdy house party. Twilight Sparkle gave Anon a big bookcase and an extensive collection of books. While it wasn't unknown for her to give books as a gift, any mare could see the cute bookworm princess had more than a superficial interest in the man. It was a full-blown crush, but the poor feller didn't notice it. Much to Applejack's amusement, he was no different than Big Macintosh when it came to a mare's hints.
Smiling, Applejack replied,
"Yeah, I remember that. It was kinda funny, if not a bit hopeless for Twi."
"Yeah.....kinda cringy how hard she tried. She should have just mare'd up and told Anonymous. It's not my fault she won't take my advice. It's what I would've done."
Applejack smirked and said,
"Says the mare who couldn't be bothered to ask Soarin out at the Gala."
The Rainbow pegasus' pupils shrunk as she tried to deny her friend's claim.
"What!? I uh...I...whatever, I don't have to answer that. Anyway, I'm going to go home and read this. Knowing how cool I am, Anon wrote the best one for me. See you later, AJ!"
Rainbow Dash sped off to her home, leaving a small rainbow haze trail. Applejack chuckled at her friend's poor attempt to hide her feelings before looking at the letter again.
"Well, let's go see what you wrote me, Anon. I need a glass of water anyway."
Applejack walked into her home and settled down in the living room. With an ice-cold glass on the table across from her, the country mare opened the letter, and true to Rainbow Dash's rumor, it did appear to be a story. Taking a nice sip of the cold water, Applejack began to read.
"Well, shucks, been a long time since I've read a story! This will be a nice way to end the work day."
There was a farm in Hicksville, but it was not like any farm. No siree, you see, this farm was super special. It had a special pony who ran it known as Applejack. She was known for apples and apples and nothing else exciting. She was also a mouth breather with lousy buck teeth. But apples are a fruit, which she thought was good, while others thought there were better fruits such as pears. The sun rose slowly over the horizon, and the ray beams hit the trees, shining on the skins of the apples.
Applejack sat there and watched the sunbeams, eager to see nature do its thing.
"Wow! Gawlee! Apples sure are nice! So is that there sun!"
The pony decided to watch the sun in its glory but forgot the sun burns the eyeballs.
"Ouch! I'm so forgetful! AW shucks! Hey, I can see funny spots! They movin' around!"
The tiny burnt splotches in her eyes moved around before eventually disappearing. Shaking her head, the pony put on her raggedy but also excessively tall stetson hat, and got to greet her trees. Walking to the first tree, she greeted,
"Hello, there Bloomington! Hello there Springshine! Hello there tree #186!".
Since greeting every single tree in the orchard wasn't possible, Applejack waved to all the trees and said,
"Howdy doodles, y'all trees! I haven't named all of y'all yet cause there's too many, and I can't come up with clever tree names!"
No tree replied as they swayed from the wind, and a few apples moved from the movement of the branches. They were trees, after all. But this didn't make a difference to the special apple fruit pony. They were real to her, dammit!
"Aw, shucks! Y'all mighty nice to reply so nicely since I kick the ever-living Tartarus out of y'all every day!"
Again, the trees did nothing but sway to the wind. A single apple fell to the ground, and the farm pony walked over and gobbled up the fruit. And by the fruit, she ate the whole fruit with the core and seeds consumed.
"Mmm! Breakfast was served! Y'all love me n' all! Eeyup!"
Applejack knew she was destined to be a hickey hick farmer since she was little. She told that "Teachnin' lady" she only needed to know a few numbers, the total number of hooves a pony had, which was 4, by the way. She dropped out of school and racked the debt-backed currency by selling apples. Sure it was hard work, and sometimes the apple crops sucked, but ponies bought them anyway. It was great having a monopoly in town, and business was booming. It also helped she and her family lynched and chased the only competition out of the town.
After collecting the apples, with some bad ones here and there, she half-assed kicked them in the barn and decided to sort them later. Quality control was a suggestion anyway. Today was the day for the special occasion, and the rest of the work could wait.
"It's time for the hootenanny!"
Suddenly, all ponies arrived in their covered wagons, hollering yells and hoots. A party was underway in the barn, and plenty of cornball music was had. Everypony had terrible teeth and ate overcooked fruit dishes because their recipes never evolved beyond apple-based recipes.
"Yeehaw! This is the bestest hootenanny I've ever had! Take that teachin' lady!"
Grabbing a young stallion nearby, likely to be her cousin of some sort, she pulled him in for a kiss. Tongues were lashed, bad breath was exchanged and inhaled, and her buck teeth got a good licking too. Ponies cheered at picking her future hubby, who also had buck teeth and a goofy stetson hat. Everypony hollered and cheered while engaging in hick-like activities. Nothing much could be said for the life and activities of a farmer. There was nothing more than apples and apples and apples, and Applejack was the epitome of a backwoods hick.
The End.
Applejack's jaw dropped at what she read. Everything about it was a clear insult to her and her lively hood. It contained every stereotype about farmers and country ponies one could imagine. Applejack's face was red in anger, and the country pony had only one thing left to do for the day.
"Anonymous! I'm going to hogtie you and throw you into the pig pen! I'll show you what a real country mare can do!"
Grabbing her rope and stetson, the country mare headed to Ponyville on a mission to get the man who insulted her.
The day was going well for Fluttershy, and it possibly couldn't get any better. All the animals behaved well, and chores were completed without a hitch. Feeding the animals and cleaning her chicken coop went better than expected. The birds were cheerful as they sang beautiful tunes while she watered her small garden. Once the chores were done, she decided to treat herself to some tea outside. The sun was bright, and plenty of small clouds gave her the right shade.
Sitting on the chair next to her small outside table, Fluttershy sighed,
"Ah, this is just a wonderful day, isn't it, Angel?"
The rabbit sitting on the ground turned his attention to her and put a paw to his chin. After contemplating for 3 seconds, the bunny merely shrugged and began to lay down for a quick nap. Before he could do so, the bunny spotted an incoming rainbow blur and ducked just in time. He avoided the newly arrived pegasus flying over him that was too close for comfort. The sudden air swoosh surprised Fluttershy as her longtime school friend landed just behind Angel.
"Hey, Fluttershy! What's-HEY! OW!"
A carrot was thrown at her from the bunny, who was now squeaking not-so-friendly animal noises.
"Angel! Language mister! I understand she flew too close, but we do not assault others! Do I make myself clear?"
Angel lowered his head in shame before turning to Rainbow Dash and blowing a raspberry at her. Before Rainbow Dash could react, he hopped off and retreated into the cottage house. Grunting in annoyance, Rainbow Dash gave an apologetic response,
"Hey, sorry about that. I'll be more careful next time."
Fluttershy beamed happily and took a quick sip of her chamomile tea.
"Oh, it's okay, but what brings you here? Would you care to join me for a cup of tea?"
Rainbow Dash looked at the small tea cup set and shook her head. The tea time wasn't her "thing."
"Sorry, I got things to do. I just came here to drop off a letter for you."
Rainbow Dash took out the same letter she had given her friends before Fluttershy. Taking it out of her saddlebag and setting it on the table, Fluttershy looked at it with curiosity. There was no indication as to who it was from, but Rainbow Dash answered,
"It's from Anon. He wrote one for all of our friends. Starlight Glimmer got one too!"
While Rainbow Dash was excited, Fluttershy was a bit curious. The letter was a bit larger than average. Fluttershy's interactions with Anon were positive, as he was a lovely gentlecolt around her and her animals. Though, she wasn't sure why he would send her a large letter, especially when they enjoy tea almost every weekend to talk and vent about life.
"Why send this to me? He knows he could tell me."
"Uh...umm...do you know why he wrote one? It seems kind of big for a letter."
Rainbow Dash closed up her saddlebag and replied,
"Nah, no clue. I got one too! It's probably something cool. Maybe he wrote a Daring Do fanfic for us!"
Fluttershy raised an eyebrow and asked,
"F-fanfic? What's that?"
A slight blush appeared on the face of rainbow maned pegasus replied,
"Uh...nothing! Anyway, I have got to go home; I want to read my letter too! *Squee* See you later, Fluttershy!"
In an instant, Rainbow Dash shot up into the sky and flew towards her cloud home in the sky. Fluttershy looked back at the letter and opened it.
"Perhaps it wouldn't hurt to see what it's about?"
Taking another sip of tea, Fluttershy opened the letter and began to read out loud what appeared to be a short story.
All was well in the cottage of Fluttershy; not a creature nor animal was stirring about. That is....until they were.
A large bear roared into the morning with a bloody scream. A large flock of birds flew into the morning sun with an immense hunger for mischief and destruction. Mice scurried out from the walls with bright red eyes full of shining evil. Even the squirrels that took refuge in the cottage cackled with bad intentions, almost as if they were rabid.
Fluttershy, the innocent but naive and enabling pegasus mare, woke up from her bed and yawned cutely. After stretching her wings, a loud crash could be heard downstairs. The mare got out of her bed and walked to the bathroom sink.
"Oh, the animals must already be awake. They're such wonderful creatures!"
Once the innocent mare began to brush her teeth and comb her mane, a screeching cat could be heard crying downstairs. The sounds of bloody murder went unheeded as the resident bear tore apart the feline in the living room. Fluttershy continued to clean up herself, humming a fantastic tune she had heard the other day. As she walked downstairs, she realized she was hungry.
Deciding to eat a bowl of cereal, Fluttershy walked past the bear sitting on the couch, which was broken in half due to his massive weight and the fact it wasn't meant for an animal his size. The bear heartily burped out cat hair, and the mare chided him on his lack of manners.
"Now, Harry, what do we say to ourselves after burping?"
The bear roared at her angrily before burping once more. Satisfied at the bear's non-apology, Fluttershy nodded,
"That's right! You're excused. Now you can go outside."
The bear ripped a massive fart in her direction before walking outside, intent on relieving himself in her small garden.
"Oh my, he must have had to go! And....he's using my small garden to poop. I could use the fertilizer...he's such a thoughtful bear!"
Despite the stench of the bear fart lingering around the living room, Fluttershy made herself a bowl of cereal from animal-friendly organic sources. Of course, it was more expensive and a waste of extra bits, but it put her mind at ease knowing the well-being of animals was taken into consideration by the producers. Animals always came first in her mind, as they were always innocent.
It was also a good thing there was some food left. Mice droppings littered the pantry, leaving only the box of cereal available. The mice did have a big appetite for food, so it was understandable they had to eat from the pantry. To the yellow pegasus, it was nothing more than a minor inconvenience that she would have to head to the market square in Ponyville. Once done, she put the bowl in the sink and noted the birds were eating a dead fox that had made its way into the chicken coop.
She wasn't sure how it died, but only that it was probably its time to go. The circle of life was indeed amazing.
"Aww, poor foxy. The birds are giving the fox a burial. Yes, that's what they're doing, alright."
Fluttershy happily trotted out of her cottage home and headed toward Ponyville. Screams could be heard from the town as smoke and fire could be seen coming from a few houses. To any average individual of any sapient species on Equus, this would cause alarm. But it was nothing more than a curiosity for the innocent and naive Fluttershy.
Ponies were running for their lives from violent animals of all types. Birds were chasing pegasi trying to flee into the air, while earth ponies were trying their best to run away, only to be chased by blood-thirsty dogs. Unicorns fared no better, being only able to teleport short distances or were too slow to react to a small swarm of angry raccoons and badgers.
Fluttershy dismissed this as animals were always innocent. Passing a stallion corpse on the ground that a badger was mutilating, Fluttershy mere stated,
"Well, you probably hurt the animals. I hope you're sorry."
His eyeball was plucked out and gobbled up like a boiled egg by the badger. Fluttershy continued to make her way to the center of the town and saw none other than Angel, her favorite bunny. He was wearing a small blood-stained cape, with the skull of a freshly killed mare resting on his head. Despite the mare's skull being more significant than him, he somehow had made it fit.
He was standing on a platform with what looked to be a sacrificial altar. His eyes glowed a bright, evil, menacing red as he pointed his right paw directly at Fluttershy, causing a swarm of animals to grab her. Before she could react, the animals tied her down to the altar, preventing her from escaping. All the animals began chanting a menacing tune, eager for the innocent and apparent virgin mare to be sacrificed.
This was not at all a concern for the pegasus as she thought,
"Awww, they want to play a game with me! How nice of them."
Angel produced a bloody dagger and held it over her exposed belly. The animals roared and screeched in blood-thirsty approval. One last thought appeared in Fluttershy's mind before the rabbit stabbed her,
"This is fine."
THE END
Fluttershy was horrified at first and could not believe what she had just read aloud. Anonymous wrote a horror short story about her animals and her attitude in general. While caring for all animals, Fluttershy NEVER would give such leeway nor tolerate evil behavior from animals. Even Angel, for all his faults, would never do such a thing. He absolutely would never hurt anypony like that nor carry out a ritual sacrifice.
She went through several emotions, catching the attention of all of her animal friends. Birds, small animals like mice, squirrels, foxes, and cats came up to her to see what was wrong. Even Harry the Bear came from behind the house, noticing his pony caretaker was upset. First, she was sad, then in denial at what she read, before turning to anger at Anonymous.
Before the story, he had been a very kind gentlecolt to her and her animals. She couldn't fathom why he would write such a thing, nor why he would think she would like it. That anger then turned into something else she hadn't felt since the Grand Galloping Gala.......
She was peeved.
"I got to find Twilight; she'll know how to handle this!
Shouting in the air and scaring her animals in the process, Fluttershy proclaimed,
"Anon! You're going to APOLOGIZE!!!!!!!!"
The animals were in fear and worry as their caretaker flew off towards the Crystal Castle with speed and determination they had never seen before. The animals hurried off to their hiding places, not wanting to be near the wrath of whoever was the target of Fluttershy's righteous and justified anger. The short story was left on the tea table, unfolded for anypony to read should they come upon it. A quick flash of light appeared next to the outside tea table, and a claw grabbed the parchment of paper.
Rarity was having just a fabulous day, and nothing could stop her train of creativity. Rarity had already designed two new Hearth’s Warming Eve outfits. She also developed three new dresses for the annual Grand Galloping Gala. Setting the finished sketches down, Rarity sighed and was satisfied with the final designs as she placed them in a locked drawer. Just as she put the plans away, the doorbell went off.
As the chimes completed their tune, Rarity made her way downstairs and opened the front door. It was Spike with what appeared to be several letters in his claws. He was adorably blushing and smiling, all happy as he could be whenever Spike was near Rarity. She was all too familiar with the little dragon’s crush on her. While Rarity did enjoy his attention and affection, Spike was too young for a relationship. Rarity did feel guilty for taking advantage of his help now and then, but sometimes it was too good to pass up his assistance.
Whether it was finding gems, carrying items for her, or simply helping Rarity take out the trash, Spike was there to help. Rarity smiled and asked, “Good afternoon, Spike! May I ask what has brought you here to my lovely home?”
Spike smiled and held up a large letter, “It’s a letter from Anonymous. He made one for all of your friends. I took the liberty to deliver them for him. And well...here’s yours!”
The letter was enveloped in a light blue magic aura and levitated at eye level. Nothing was on the cover except just the word “Rarity.” She was puzzled why Anonymous wrote her a letter, as he usually saw her weekly with her friends at the local Cafe for some tea and sandwiches. Rarity had a reasonable opinion about Anonymous. He was well cultured, knew how to dress, and carried himself as a proper gentlecolt. His manners and speech were always shining examples of positive masculinity. Because of Anonymous, her selection of male-oriented clothing became more sought after. Stallions and even a few male griffons customers commissioned lovely outfits. This gave Rarity a new boost for her business and a well-earned reputation for variety.
“Hmmm...interesting. I will read this later.”
Rarity turned around and used her magic to set the letter on a nearby end table. She returned her attention to Spike and thanked him for the delivery. Spike, however, wasn’t done just yet.
“So Rarity, what are you doing later? Wanna hang out sometime?”
”Oh my, he still isn’t giving up? Oh, Spike, if only you were older.”
Rarity gave Spike a gentle smile and replied, “Look, Spike, I’m sorry, but it isn’t a good time to hang out right now. I have several orders that must be fulfilled. Perhaps another time?”
Spike looked down at the ground and frowned, but he quickly recovered and smiled back at her.
“No problem, Rarity. I’ll see you later. Good luck with your orders!”
The small dragon turned and ran off into the distance heading to the central part of town. Rarity frowned as she felt guilty for lying to Spike, but it was the easier way to dismiss him without hurting his feelings.
”He will grow up one day and be a stud in his own right. Unfortunately, I don’t think he and I are meant to be. Maybe Sweetie Belle could be his special somepony one day? It’s a shame; he is a good drake.”
Rarity sighed and closed the door to the Carousel Boutique. She took note of the letter, and Rarity’s curiosity got the better of her. She knew orders needed to be fulfilled and that it would be prudent to start the work required. But the letter almost seemed to beckon her to it for some reason. Unable to quench her curiosity, Rarity picked up the letter and ran upstairs to her bedroom. She almost galloped over Opal, causing the cat to meow and hiss in anger.
“Sorry, Opal! I have a letter to read! Tout de suite!”
The cat rolled her eyes and went to a corner in the dressing area to chill. For Rarity, the letter was important merely because it was new and out of the ordinary. It was not common for her to receive personal letters, at least from somepony in Ponyville. In this case, however, it was not only somepony but somebody, which made it even more exciting.
“”I wonder what this could be? What could Anonymous want? I hope he’s not interested in me romantically; it would crush Twilight’s heart! But...well, I certainly wouldn’t be opposed to it...I should probably read it instead of daydreaming.”
Rarity blushed at the thought of Anonymous dating her. He certainly was everything Prince Blueblood wasn’t, aside from being royalty. As she made her way into her bedroom, Rarity closed the door and lay on her bed. She opened the letter and tried her best to remove the thoughts of Anonymous from a romantic viewpoint.
“What’s this? It appears to be a story. Let’s see what you wrote to me, Mr. Anonymous.”
Today was the day of the big fashion show for Rarity, and everypony was present in Canterlot. So many ponies were present, and even a sizeable amount of Griffons and Minotaurs showed up. Fashion was now the passion of many creatures of Equis ever since Rarity’s line of clothing blew up on the market on a global scale. Rarity decided to host a special show at the Capital of Equestria to celebrate her new success.
Everypony was now surrounding the catwalk, eager to see the models coming out. Just as the lights dimmed and ponies were now lowering their voices, an announcer spoke up over a voice speaker.
“Ladies and Gentlecolts, you’ve waited patiently. We are proud to present the latest line of clothing from RARITY!”
The large herd of ponies cheered and hollered as the first model came out. It was a really old and saggy-looking mare. Her flanks had deflated, and her barely hanging on to her skeleton. She was wearing toilet paper wrapped around her like a mummy and smiling with yellow and misaligned teeth. It was almost as if she had gargled in urine to stain her teeth on purpose. She was wearing a poop-styled hat on top of her head and smiled at everypony. The audience was shocked at what they were seeing. Nopony could have imagined such a terrible outfit. Still, several ponies cheered to the surprise of any third party watching the event.
“Yeah! I want that!” shouted a stallion.
“That’s my fetish!” cheered a random minotaur in assless chaps.
As the mare made a final smile and wave, she walked backstage. She was replaced by a stallion wearing a spike and studded leather feminine lingerie. He was also wearing a gas mask with plastic tubing from his plothole connected to the mask itself. Many of the audience hollered, cheered, and started masturbating, both males and females alike. Once the stallion got to the end of the catwalk, he tensed up before releasing a fart through the hose. It made its way up to the gas mask, and the stallion huffed it in. This drove the crazier audience members into a frenzy.
“Why can’t my beak smell dat taint gas!? I want that get-up, please! Agh!” said a female Griffon who came as she finished masturbating.
The stallion could be seen motioning a cough inside the mask before walking back to the catwalk’s beginning. His balls swayed back and forth as he flagged everyone with his tail, exposing his pothole. This drove the crowd into a frenzy, and the noises got louder. Several boring normies stayed in disgusted curiosity and started vomiting or running away. They were unable to see more of the terrible spectacle that was not advertised as such before the start of the show. Many therapists were going to earn a lot of money after the fashion show.
One pony, Hoity Toity, was utterly disgusted at the terrible outfits. He simply could not believe the sheer degeneracy he was witnessing. Clothes were to show an expression of class and outer beauty. It was an art, and clothes should be respected as such. It was bad enough he saw the goober, amateurish outfits from years ago; it was another to see the travesty unfolding before him. With rage in his voice, he shouted,
“Rarity! This will not stand! I will see to it your career is over and-”
Before he could finish, the announcer interrupted him and shouted,
“And next, we have our “Wrap-a-Turf” Slave outfit!”
A giant and fit Minotaur walked out on stage in a very tight artificial leather male sex slave bondage outfit. He wasn’t bearing the mask yet, and his arms were free. He raised his hand in a closed-fist pose and shouted,
“Iron Will is my name, and homosexual bondage is my game!”
Two sexy and obviously homosexual stallions came and put their mask over him and bound his arms. He had vision enough to see where he was talking and made his way down to the catwalk. Several gay and bisexual males in the audience cheered, and Iron Will wiggled his butt down the catwalk. Several of the heterosexual audience members expressed disappointment before the announcer added,
“Don’t worry, everypony! This outfit comes in male and female options for all species of Equis. If you want to dominate your pattern, whoever he, she, or even THEY are, we have you covered! Lol! We literally have you covered!”
Just as Iron Will reaches the end of the catwalk, Hoity Toity shouts,
“OKAY! I GIVE UP! I WANT 100 NOW! THAT’S MY FETISH!”
The remaining audience members were now only full of the most degenerates of the Equis. Just as Iron Will made final wiggles of his Minotaur plot cheeks, he walked back behind the stage. The lights went out, and many audience members wondered what was happening next. The announcer made one final call.
“A now presenting to you, your host...MISTRESS RARITY!!!!”
Rarity, in all her degenerate glory, was at the end of the catwalk. She was wearing a pink baby bib and a pacifier in her mouth. She also was wearing an outlandish diaper with her tail dyed baby poop green, simulating that She had an accident. Taking the pacifier out, Rarity shouted,
“I’m happy you all love my sexy outfits! I have all your fetish needs covered! Just remember me, Rarity! The biggest degenerate of them all!"
Rarity then posed an adorably naughty pouting lip and aimed her diaper at the audience.
"Baby got baaaaaaad!”
Rarity put the pacifier back in her mouth and visibly soiled her diaper. All the audience members erupted in laughter and cheers just as the Royal Guards rushed to the audience carrying Royal Guard riot gear. Several ponies, griffons, and minotaurs were hit with clubs and put in chains while others attempted to flee. A pair of Royal Guard Batponies swooped in and immediately put Rarity in a chain cuffed with magic-resistant spellbinders.
A Solar Royal Guard Mare officer arrived and used her horn’s magic to project her voice.
“BY ORDER OF THE ROYAL SISTERS, PRINCESS CELESTIA AND LUNA, YOU ARE ALL UNDER ARREST AND WILL BE SUBMITTED FOR FURTHER MENTAL EVALUATIONS AND RE-EDUCATION! ALL NON-EQUESTRIAN ARRESTEES WILL BE DEPORTED BACK TO THEIR HOME COUNTRIES! DO NOT RESIST! SURRENDER NOW!”
Ultimately, all of the sick degenerates were arrested and dealt with. Rarity’s career and reputation were forever destroyed. She was forced to go through lobotomization. All of her fashion products were seized and destroyed. Rarity was never the same, and Spike never simped for her again.
THE END!
Rarity sat upright with her jaw dropped. The letter Anonymous wrote was the vilest and most revolting story she had ever had the unfortunate luck to place her eyes on. Every single word was a nail in the coffin of what respect she had for him. Her face was redder than hot coal, and the veins in her neck bulged greater than Bulk Biceps’ veins on a good day in the gym. Rarity shouted,
“ANONYMOUS! I’LL DESTROY YOU!”
Rarity ran out of the Carousel Boutique and headed straight to Twilight’s Castle. She would need her help dealing with Anonymous, lest she wound up murdering the man. Whatever chance Anonymous had to nail Rarity was forever gone, and hell hath no fury like a mare scorned.
