Scootaloo Subscribes East
Chtkkkk!
Crkkkkktt!!
Thrkkkkkttt!!!
Scootaloo finished the last dig of her rusted shovel. The snow and soot of the Wasteland was considerably crunchier that day, which would explain the emphatic lines of onomatopoeia laid out up above.
Leaning against the old instrument, the last pony exhaled vapors into the endlessly cold air. Scootaloo raised her brass-rimmed goggles, revealing a pair of jaded scarlet eyes. Edgy, depressed, deadpan, and edgy, Scootaloo gazed upon the skeletal remains that she had just dug up from the furthest fringes of Cloudsdale's fallen ruins. The unmistakable wingspokes of a deceased pegasus lay out before her. Attached—threadbare and lacking the shine of their former luster—was a smattering of prismatic feathers. Exposed to the elements, they flapped and dissolved in the harsh winds of Post-Cataclysm Equestria.
"It's taken years and years, Rainbow Dash," Scootaloo spoke in a monotone voice, somber, melancholy, edgy. "But we are reunited once again."
Her old mentor did not respond. She couldn't. She was a skeleton. An equine jaw commited its frozen scream towards the heavens, its eye sockets looking as empty as Scootaloo's soul currenty felt, but maybe not quite as edgy.
"I wonder what you would say if you saw me now," Scootaloo continued to pontificate her internal monologue to the ashen air. "Now that I'm much older, braver, and edgier." Her nostrils flared as she reached forward with her leather clad limbs and—Crkkk!—snapped the skull completely loose from the spine. "But perhaps I don't have to wonder for very long after all," she said. Her nostrils flared again, flaring. "I've rediscovered magic."
She reached into her leather tunic.
"I have brought a spark of hope back to this battered wasteland of Equestria."
She pulled out a jar filled with billowing emerald dragon flame.
"And with the help of Spike's gift, I shall anchor myself to your soul... and visit you decades in the past." A single tear bubbled along her haggard eyes. "Where together we will rekindle the flame of friendship, so that I may learn how to save what's left of this cursed landscape."
Leaning back on her haunches, Scootaloo prepared to open the jar so that she might douse herself and Rainbow Dash's calcified remains with the verdant plasma contained within.
"I can almost remember your glorious mane now..." She mused, a slight smirk forming along her muzzle, yet still edgy. "How your hair glimmered with every color of the rainbow. I vaguely remember Rarity and her little sister Sweetie Belle arguing over how you managed to keep the magnificent shine so wonderfully~"
A pause.
Scootaloo placed the jar down entirely and held Rainbow's skull up to her face like some scene straight out of Flankespeare.
"But you no longer have to worry about unsightly hairs or an unkempt mane ever again! Did you know that DollarShaveClub.com delivers high quality razers right to your door for only one dollar per month?! That's right, Rainbow Dash! For only one dollar per month, you can get high quality blades pre-equipped with an Aloe Vera lubrication strip affixed to a pivot strip, which assures a smooth and clean shave no matter how old and experienced you are! Why—even a filly can use them! I should know! I was a filly back when hair meant something! And dollars!"
She leaned back from Rainbow's skull, making a pouting face.
"Tired of sitting on old blades that do nothing but sit around and collect rust? With dollar shave club, you lose practically nothing per month while gaining the absolute highest value for your precious time. And if you're not satisfied with your purchase, we promise a full refund within the first two weeks—guaranteed."
Smiling, Scootaloo nuzzled the skull dearly, causing a molar or two to fall loose to the snow-laden earth below.
"It's so easy to sign up, Rainbow Dash! Just visit DollarShaveClub.com today and open the door to a new life of shaving and saving! That's right, Rainbow Dash. Because—with DollarShaveClub, Shave Time, Shave Money."
After a deep breath, she reached for the jar of dragonflame once again...
...when a series of high-pitched shrieks echoed from the Cloudsdalian ruins in the distance.
Hressssh!
Hresssssshaaaa!
Hressssssssssssssshaaaaa!!!!!!!
Scootaloo gasped in surprise, flashing a worried look over her leather-clad shoulder. The very last sound effect had extra exclamation marks, which made it even more dire-sounding.
"Chaos trolls..." Scootaloo gnashed her teeth, frowning, edgy. "Celestia damn it! I thought I had more time for... time travel...!"
The ground shook with the raking claws of a hundred unseen unsavory bipeds.
Grunting under her breath, Scootaloo tucked Rainbow's skull away in one bag and slid the dragonflame away in another. She broke into a full gallop, parting the snow in the direction of a large brown object looming up above in the fog.
"Brucie!!" Scootaloo hollered in mid-canter. The sounds of shrieks and pounding limbs intensified behind her. "Brucie!!! Drop the ladder! We gotta get the flippin' Tartarus out of here!"
The clouds above parted like unraveling cotton. An enormous zeppelin descended, the letters spelling out 'HARMONY' across the lower gondola's iron-riveted hull. A metal aperture door rotated open, and a large cigar-chewing rodent with dark pilot's goggles peered down.
"Vhat eez trouble, Last Pony?!?"
"They found me!" Scootaloo huffed and puffed, catching up with the shadow of the gliding airship. "I don't know how, but they found me! Run for it, Brucie!"
"Da! Right away—!" The flying squirrel lumbered back inside—
"But drop the ladder for me first, ya melon fudge!!" Scootaloo hissed.
"Nyet!" Bruce rushed back, dropping the length of leather runs off the side. "Brucie vould never leave horse friend behind! Ees rude, da?"
"Thanks!" Scootaloo hopped and snagged ahold of the dangling ladder with her strong front limbs. "And for Luna's sake change the accent! That stereotype's not very appropriate right now!"
"Da—erm... Brucie means..." The squirrel saluted. "Strewth! Best I not come the raw prawn with ya, mate!"
"Meh... that'll do..." Scootaloo started climbing up towards the exiting airship—
Hressssshaaaaaa!!!
"!!!" She looked down.
SMASSSSH!!! A herd of trolls burst through the nearest snowbank with very expensive onomatopoeia. Their alabaster skin shimmered with sweat and adrenalized hormones. They formed running pyramids atop one another and climbed the soot-stained air, leaping closer and closer for Scootaloo's dangling body.
"Dammit!" Scootaloo cussed, swiping her lower hooves to buck the chaotic denizens of the wasteland away. "Too many of them!"
"Keetch thees, ya drongo!" Bruce—inexplicably wearing a slouch hat—tossed her a runic boomstick. "Feel them buggahs full of maggot holes!"
"Right...!" Hooking one front limb and rear limb around the spokes of the dangling ladder, Scootaloo nimbly spun her body around and aimed the lengthy rifle down the length of her frame. Loading an ammo strip of moonrocks, she took aim at the nearest wave of pursuing monsters. "I really... honestly don't know how they found me. I should have covered my tracks better..."
"HRESSSSSH!!!!" One particularly angry troll leapt high above the others, flying straight for Scootaloo's abomen.
"Ooomf!!!" Scootaloo smacked it away with the butt of the rifle. WHAP!!! Exhaling, she aimed once again at the creatures scampering across the blurring Wasteland below. "But I tell ya what, Brucie!! You know what's a good way to avoid unwanted attention to your current location?!? Why, it's today's sponsor! Nord VPN!"
"Tell me more, Shielah!!!" the squirrel hollered down, steering the airship in and around sundered columns of fallen skystone.
"Employing state of the art digital encryption services, NordVPN makes it possible for you to hide your digital identity from even the most persistent trolls on the Internet!" The pilfered unicorn horns fastened to Scootaloo's right front fetlock glowed with forbidden energy. "Tired of local streaming services not providing the programs that you like?! Just switch your IP address to one of over a hundred different regions, and you can watch your favorite shows with the single press of a button! H'rhnum!!!"
POW!!!
A moonstone bullet flew out the barrel of her gun and embedded into the skull of a leaping troll.
SPLORRRCH!!!
Chting!!! Scootaloo ejected the lunar cartridge, cocked, the rifle, and loaded the next. "What's more, their side service—ExpressVPN—applies restrictions so that other Internet users will not gain unwanted access to your search history and browswer data! H'RHNUM!!! POW!!! Cht-Ting! "All of this, of course, comes as part of a complete package that you can get at a super low price if you sign up today! M'wynhrm!!!" A side barrel launched a runic grenade that landed in the center of the charging trolls and—
KABLAAAAAAAM!!!
The air filled with trollish intestines and loose limbs.
"Too right, mate!" Bruce sounded from above.
Holstering the still-smoking rifle, Scootaloo climbed up the rest of the ladder. "Don't give into the trolls, Brucie!" Mounting the outer platform of the gondola, she ducked through the aperture entrance and closed the mechanical barrier behind them both, locking the viscera and snow of the Wasteland outside. "Check out the link in the description and enter the phrase 'OnyxEclipse' into the promo code field to enjoy a special one-fifth-off Last Pony Discount! Yes, I said one-fifth!" She posed proudly, giving the flying squirrel a smary smirk. "That's twenty-percent savings... and twenty-percent cooler."
Bruce nodded, shrugged, and ultimately driveled forth: "Buggah me."
"Oh!" Scootaloo gasped, jumped in place, and fiddled with the satchels of her leather gear. "That reminds me!" She pulled out Rainbow Dash's skull. "I gotta use the flame before the magic wears off!" Her expression drooped. "But it looks so dull now. Have I waited too long?"
"Betchah theah's one ol' cobbah who knows a thang or two," Bruce said.
"Pizz fah wizz!" Scootaloo scampered up the cylindrical stairway that led to the driving compartment of the Harmony. "He better not be in the middle of huffing Rarity's ashes right now." She galloped up to a complicated steampunk apparatus wired up to sound stones. Slapping a few instruments, the last pony summoned a rippling view screen. On the other side, a giant violet dragon's face leered into view. "Spike! Buddy! I gotta ask you something!"
"Forsooth, old friend~" His draconian voice rumbled through the crackling speakers of the communicator. "Thou hast accumulated the ashes of thine friend unto thee, thouethhh?"
"Yes. But..." Scootaloo grimaced slightly, nostrils flaring. "I'm afraid a bunch of trolls attacked me at the dig. I lost some valuable time. Please tell me, Spike—because I need to know..." Bruce joined her side as she leaned impatiently towards the viewscreen. "...is it too late to bathe Rainbow's essence in the dragonflame and transport me back in time, anchored to her prismatic soul??"
"Verily I say to thee, Scootaloo, there remaineth enough time in this sundered world to resurrect even the oldest of memories." Smoke and brimstone rippled in the portal between them as he loomed his titanium scout ever closer. "Alas, there manifesteth a truth thou hast yet to ascertain with thine most learned faculties..."
"What, Spike?" Scootaloo's lips pursed. "What is it? Won't you tell me?"
His emerald eyes narrowed to hard emeralds as the speakers boomed: "Hath thou discovered the gaming sensation that is taking the Internet by storm? It is none other than Raid: Shadow Legends..."
"Wowwww...!" Scootaloo beamed, turning to grin at Bruce. "Raid Shadow Legends???"
The squirrel looked between the pony and the dragon. "Bloody 'ell, you two are a pair of daft old cun—"
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