I like All Tomorrows. I like My Little Pony. I also like to mock stereotypes at times. This is the braindead monstrosity that came from mixing that. It's literally just All Tomorrows but replacing the humans with ponies. Be sure to drop a dislike!
The Sex tag is included due to the fact that the Hedonists and Satyriacs exist and that means I have to make a pony version of them. So oof, I suppose.
On perpetual hiatus for the foreseeable future. Sorry, you all.
After a rather extended period of time, ponies finally decided to dabble in science and soon began to venture to space. That's cool and all, but then one day they found out there was some other planet. It's basically pony Mars, so we're gonna call it Horseus or something because that's the name of a FimFiction user I find in quite a few areas of this site, and also I am a smoothbrain dumbass who doesn't know how to be creative.
Anyway, after a long, long damn time, ponies finally managed to land to that Horseus planet. They had terraformed it beforehand, so the first steps on this new world were not taken by the unfortunate intern of whoever the equid version of Elon Musk was, but rather by sweet, innocent foals playing in grass.
Due to Horseus being basically a stand-in for Mars, eventually these ponies adapted to lower gravity, becoming as tall or taller than Celestia back in the diarchs' heyday, with the average individual reaching a head in height over the current ruler of Equestria, Twilight. Basically, they were horses now, lending the planet its name in canon.
Tons and tons of industries were moved to Horseus. The reasons are unknown, due to the fact that Equus has little to none of the amount of pollution on Earth. Maybe space for more practical industries on the ponies' big blue ball. Great, that's gonna be taken out of context.
Also, what happened to the other species? Well, uh, I dunno. You decide. Maybe it could be that every sapient species is now considered an honorary pony and therefore fits into the umbrella? Once again, that's up to you, I guess.
The new species of pony that descended from the colonists eventually took upon a new cultural identity, separating themselves from the disgusting normies from Equus. They called themselves the Horses. Duh. Of course, this resulted in quite a bit of silently agreeing they hated each other between the two planets' inhabitants. I mean, how would it not? That stuff happens, and also it was in the book which I'm directly copying because this is a troll fic, if you couldn't tell already.
With new grounds to forage and a near limitless amount of resources, plus the population poking and prodding the Equus OGs out of spite, the Horses quickly took the lead.
Predictably, this was bound to end up in war, though for a while it seemed like Horseus would gradually grow into the dominant party and Equus would just deal with it and not really complain. But no, that isn't what happened, because that isn't what happened in the OG All Tomorrows book either lol.
It started with the Horses eventually expressing explicit rebellion against the virgin Ponies (yeah, I'm capitalizing it now), using songs, art, and motion pictures (come on, you didn't expect ponies to develop television and that sort of stuff while they were going willy nilly blasting stuff off to the eternal abyss of space? Dear Luna) to spread their propaganda like how conservatives do with Conservapedia and Facebook (or, alternatively, if you lean to the side of the spectrum I just dissed, RationalWiki and Twitter for the liberals). The boiling point arose when Horseus banned all trade with Equus, just like how in the original "All Tomorrows," Mars banned trade with Earth.
After that, Equus decided it needed to have a little...discussion...with the insolent little Horses. A discussion that involved lots of guns, bloodshed, killing, and all the stuff that comes along when war rears its head.
As a centuries-long conflict would lead you to believe, there were a few casualties. A couple, maybe four, possibly eight......billion. Yeah, I stole that joke from All Tomorrows: a Comedic Summary, for I am undignified and fresh out of creative juices, which I never really had in the first place.
To be Continued.....in the next chapter so you don't have to wait that long.
The Heavenly Equines (Should've Just Went With Star Ponies, but I Didn't. Fight Me)
After that little discussion was over and done with, the remaining ponies and horses looked into the destruction and carnage and decided that they didn't want that sort of shit happen again. They re-united, mostly out of necessity as the once dominant species barely escaped extinction. This meant massive changes needed to be made to make sure such a war would never show its horrid face to the equids. Not just political or economic ones, either. Biological ones.
These biological changes were due to the fact that it was hard to believe the two equid species could ever truly concretely join forces, now that they were so extraordinarily different from one another. The solution was to genetically engineer a new superspecies, fit for intergalactic travel.
The individuals were given the choice to either give birth to the new, much more powerful race that would quickly overshadow them, or be sterilized. In the wake of such slaughter from the war (which, if it extinguished ponykind, would've been a humiliating end due to the fact no cool Star Wars-esque wars were fought, but rather both species cowered behind war drones and opted to cause severe problems in the climate and maybe destroy a moon, causing meteorite hail), the majority of, if not all equids opted for the former option, and the only known resistance were simply a few tiny complaints and other things with about the same intensity as these said complaints.
Just after a few generations, the race proved how fit it truly was for its purpose. In just that span of time, they had conquered the entirety of the system Equus revolved in. That, however, wasn't enough. The domain of the star that Celestia had once moved countless times across the sky of Equus became small over time, so the Heavenly Equines began to look further beyond. However, even for this race, interstellar travel would be far from easy, even if they combined their magic and science together.
Many complications and failed attempts later, a solution rose. Generational ships were created, sending off chosen individuals to the abyss of the universe, whose descendants many decades, possibly even centuries or millennia later, would finally arrive to colonize the planet their ancestors' eyes were set upon. To be blunt, it failed miserably, as these ships descended into anarchy that would make Technoblade (the Dream SMP character, not the YouTuber) blush to the point of his entire face going as red as a tomato.
After that, another solution arose. Perhaps they could simply send extremely fast, automated ships with self-replicating, semi-sentient machines that would terraform their destination and simply drop the genetic material of the equine into a fully-formed clone. Also, memory wouldn't be as much of a problem, because magic still exists and somehow isn't a forgotten craft. Despite that, some sick individuals became technophiles and fell in love with the machines that created them...which gets even weirder when you compare to falling in love with your own mother, making the entire situation highly disturbing. This caused quite a fair amount of ruckus, as this weird incestuous robot love wasn't uncommon. This ended up driving half of the colonies to extinction. The remaining half, however, persevered and managed to carry on the mission their forefathers (and technically they themselves) had had in mind when they were sent from their little guardian pods (SMG4 reference moment) to the new worlds they encountered.
Oh God Oh Frick, It's Some Huge AF Dragonflies! But First, Are We Alone?
The Heavenly Equines spread themselves across the galaxy like a girl's legs when she wants to commit the deed. I probably should've come up with a better and less dirty analogy, but a lot of people here are down bad, so why not take advantage of it?
This disperse around the galaxy didn't mean that separate civilizations formed. The big wrinklebrains were smort chads and knew that would probably cause an intergalactic war somehow. So through the use of radio, magic, and all that jazz, the separate colonies stayed in touch and made sure no one decided to split off or anything. Eventually, the people realized something. While they encountered extraterrestrial life, not once had they run into anything on levels of intelligence comparable to themselves. This made them wonder. Were we truly alone? Real good to see the people use that giant brain to use. That totally hasn't been used before somewhere else like this joke (AZFK be like).
One small discovery answered that equally little question.
You see, in this alternate timeline, dinosaurs did once exist in Equus and birds were a living offshoot of them, just like in our timeline. So imagine the surprise these equines had on their face when they discovered a derived spinosaur on one of the planets they colonized. And no, I'm not talking about a fossil. I'm talking a living, breathing population. By comparison, the creatures that dwelled in this planet had iron-based skeletons and seven limbs, contrasting the calcium skeleton and four limbs of this new critter.
(See, I'm original! The first one had a therizinosaur, and it was extinct (well, from what we can tell due to the vagueness of the text.)! Which was also derived....was also a theropod.....was also a dinosaur.....and was also a sign of wrinklebrain aliens......yeah, nevermind.)
A creature like this couldn't have just coincidentally evolved like that, especially considering the situation our equine friends had to consider. So, remembering the Centuries-Long Discussion, they began stockpiling weapons of mass destruction in fear of whatever would come, just in case the species was malevolent. How potent they were is better left unsaid because I am lazy and I'm writing this at 4 in the morning.
However, nothing could prepare anyone for the GIANT EVIL SPACE BUGS that were about to wreck their day.
The Qu were generally unchanged, as they hadn't had any relations to the ponies beforehand and therefore needed no bastardized pony equivalent. Basically, they were still glorified dragonflies with a tentacle on their butt.
These dragonfly-looking mofos were a billion years old, and were on a quest to genetically manipulate every echelon of the universe to their image. This behavior was rooted in a dogma that had benevolent intent but was taken WAY too seriously by the giant space arthropods (not really, but you get the idea), resulting in something comparable to the Crusades and medieval age Catholic Church. Deus vult, I guess.
Anyway, because these Qu dudes were much, much older than our interstellar ungulate friends and had more time to technologically advance, the Equines were just mere, annoying ants. So, naturally, they got pissed off when the Equines, harboring the same strong and stubborn independence of their pony and horse ancestors, gave them the figurative middle finger and defended themselves, as anyone would when giant prehistoric gene-manipulating space dragonflies ruin their day. However, within less than a thousand years, the Equines' attempts proved futile as the Qu quickly made their civilization commit the not alive. However, the Equines themselves were not given the heart-not-pump treatment. Rather, they faced a more gruesome fate.
The Qu were...creative...to say the least about their little genetic projects. If you've read the actual "All Tomorrows" book, then you know what I mean. From here on out, I'll list out some of the ponified versions of the species from the book in one chapter, and more on another, with some in-between chapters in the style of the previous ones discussing certain other things.
The Worm Ponies
While their world lay under a scorching sun (the conditions made worse thanks to the Qu), forcing them underground and relying on the limited oxygen supply from plants that could bear the heat above, the Worm Ponies were actually one of the more fortunate of the post-pony species. The Qu had merely shrank their legs and elongated their bodies, to the point where they slithered, and as they were underground they were worthy of their namesake. There were other changes, such as tiny, pinprick-like eyes and the lack of external ears, teeth, and the better half of their nervous system. For their unicorn and pegasus variants, their magic, horns, and wings were quite stunted, but not to the point where they couldn't fully evolve it back once more.
The lives of these creatures were not simply digging aimlessly. After all, all living things must consume energy. If the Worms ran into food, they ate it. If they ran into another Worm, there was a chance one would eat the other, but mostly they would fu- I mean, copulate, and managed to keep a single shred of their former selves in their genes. In time, the coin (or dice if you prefer) Fate flipped would land in a most favorable position for them.
The Behemoths
A global savannah stretched throughout a once teeming colony of the Heavenly Equines, the meddlings of the Qu partially responsible. Here, another poor, post-pony experiment roamed the lands. Their size was comparable to those of the sauropods of days gone by, and they bore a likeness to less humongous but still majestic creatures known as elephants, who unfortunately were one of many sapient species driven extinct during ponykind's crazy conquests into becoming the dominant species on Equus, before Celestia and Luna's reign. However, they lacked tusks, and their "trunk" was really an extended but mobile and prehensile lower lip which really puts a whole new meaning to oral when one participates in the act known as fingering. For their pegasus and unicorn variants, the wings and horns were stubbed, and magic was all but useless for a myriad of reasons.
Despite their bestial appearance, the Behemoths were one of the best candidates for intelligence to re-emerge in the sub-pony species scattered across the galaxy after the Qu departed. WIth their lip-trunks they fashioned carvings, art, even mastered fire. They made dwellings twice as large as the conventional airplane hangar, and from booming voices arose a language that documented myths, legends, and remnants of their bygone, half-remembered past. Even a primitive form of literature came to be.
If a pony from their past were to look upon these beasts and what they had done, it would be easy to hope that within a few thousand years, the essence of ponykind would rekindle, and once again launch them into a golden age. However, neither hopes, dreams, nor sapience are sacred to the laws of the universe and nature, and these gentle giants were soon extinguished by a catastrophic ice age no amount of fire would aid them in.
The Hunters and the Targets
Devolved predators similar to big cats, and on occasion some suspiciously human-like pony animals, were common among the now feral worlds the Qu had torn apart.
One example of the former had their front hooves re-modified into fingered paws, with the innermost finger kept off the ground and bearing a sickle-shaped, serrated claw, similar to the dromaeosaurs and troodontids from records now destroyed and forgotten. Their canines were thick, long daggers, much like the saber and scimitar toothed cats, or the more familiar example of the Chimera's feline head.
They roamed the prairies, forests, and mountains on one of the Equines' first off-system colonies stalking another sub-pony; cow-sized creatures with striking resemblances to another of the races ponykind extinguished, the uintatheriids, simply known as the Targets. Without the necessary equipment and incentive to develop intelligence, these Targets devolved into mere animals, while their predatory cousins, needing this ability, kept a spark of it alive in their evolutionary honing. This spark would one day create a raging, blazing fire of civilization, but that story will have to wait for a while.
The Gerenuk Ponies
While not the most practical limb in terms of dexterity, the ponies and their space-faring descendants's hooves were more than capable of fulfilling the simple tasks the human hand could accomplish. And in the case of unicorns and pegasi, they each had magic and wings respectively to aid them. However, this was all mitigated with the Gerenuk Ponies, who had their magic taken away, wings shrunken into useless stubs, hooves becoming more akin to those of creatures on Earth, and horns now mere sexual display. However, the Qu kept their memories and consciousness completely intact. Only the Qu truly know why, but one theory suggests that perhaps they used these memory retainers' cries as some form of ego boost, knowing they had subjugated another species, no matter how powerful their weapons were.
Still completely equipped with minds one would consider a pony's, but with distorted, animal bodies which prevented them from doing anything about their current situation, they lived agonizing lives. So much so, in fact, that oral traditions and religion sprouted from their anthems of sorrow. Their songs of pain and despair echoed through their world, of being able to see and understand what they were and what they were once able to do, but no longer being able to replicate that success.
Fortunately, they were given a fate that, while not desirable, allowed their agony to be short-lived. As soon as the Qu left, natural selection began breeding out the sadboi wrinklebrains, as a happi smoothbrain would grow up much faster and graze just as efficiently. After that, they descended into but mere animals, silencing their melancholy world for good.
The Swimmers
The Qu had filled their conquered worlds with so many animals genetically modified into water-dwellers. Perhaps this was because in their larval stage, they lived such a way, and they looked upon them as one would to a foal, helpless and cute.
All of these were domesticated. All went extinct when the Qu departed. All except, in the words of the original book, "some lightly mutated and generalized forms."
From one of these, you could still see the remnants of their pony ancestors. Where their flippers began, you could see just the tiniest resemblance to a hoof. Their horns were there, albeit becoming shrunken and rearing back as they weren't very hydrodynamic if they just stuck out, and for the ones with pegasi forebears, their wings became just another pair of flippers. However, with many niches in need to be filled, along with a damaged ecology, they decided instead to adapt to these said niches, and exploded in diversity. Intelligence could wait just a little more.
They were lucky. Instead of messing with their genes and converting them into a myriad of unsettling, disgusting forms, the Qu had opted to simply stunt their minds to the point where they could no longer regain sentience, along with erasing their magic.
They were still superficially similar to their pony and horse forebears, in fact acting much like the ones on Earth, and led feral, uneventful lives for an unnaturally long time after the Qu had left. This was, in part, due to there being no incentive for them to evolve intelligence, as the only other fauna present were lizards brought as pets by the Equines they had once been. The other was the fact that, as stated before, their minds were addled to the point of no return, so there wasn't any point in trying anyway.
Eventually, these ponies began to instinctively herd the lizards present on the planet. However, this symbiosis gradually began tipping into the reptiles' favor, as the world's tropical climate, along with being unchanged by the Qu, allowed reptiles all the opportunities to diversify. The only other large fauna being the dumb ponies, the lizards had every incentive to conquer this world as they saw fit. It came to the point that one specific lineage began to show signs of intelligence, making use of tools and even starting to turn the tables and domesticate some of the addled post-ponies. There was nothing left to do for the brain-neutered equines but to simply become mere beasts, all spark of anything other than the instinctual hunt for basic needs ceasing to exist.
The Temptors
It is still a mystery how these creatures managed to survive with the form they were given. If one were to use a genetically modified animal for the sake of only decoration, one would expect it to die quickly. However, Fate turned a blind eye on them for the meantime, allowing these strange creatures to endure.
No pony would recognize these twisted animals as their own descendant. The females were three-meter stalks of flesh rooted into the ground, with a beak that served little purpose rooted on the tip, resembling a fleshy and unsettling carnivorous plant. The males, however, were contorted into a bird-like form and could move perfectly on their own. However, they were dim-witted, and all their actions were directed by the females' pheromonal and vocal signals.
In this primitive form of civilization, the female controlled everything, mostly due to the fact she couldn't really survive on their own and would need highly cooperative companions to aid in her survival. As such, on the rare occasions she did mate, the female would only mate with the dumbest, strongest, and most obedient male, whose offspring would hopefully harbor the same aspects, albeit amplified. Sometimes, she would give birth to a few precious females, who would then be carted off by some males and planted on the ground, where the baby females would then root themselves and soon replicate what their mother had created.
If the RGRE theory of the ponies' culture is to be considered correct, this probably would be close to the optimal world for the majority of ponies, albeit a more distorted form of it. The fact that this proto-civilization showed signs to be a well-working one and even advancing bit-by-bit would probably have inspired ponies to do the same, had they not been the same creatures by technicality, and had they not been separated by such an expanse of time. Unfortunately for the Temptors, Fate finally turned and intervened, raining a hail of meteors into their planet and tossing in a stray comet for good measure. Another candidate for the re-emergence of ponykind was cruelly swept away.
The Beaked Ogres
Not every pony was re-invented for shits and giggles. Some were bred to become pampered pets. Some of these pampered pets were pint-sized creatures with colorful, tooth-derived beaks and were loved among the Qu. So it comes as a surprise that their descendants would become three-metre tall, ogre-like monstrosities who communicated their love by shitting on each other.
This was mostly because when the Qu left, these pampered pets, predictably, fucking died. Except, however, just like with the Swimmers, a few hardy breeds survived. The usual radiation and diversity occurred, but eventually, intelligence awoke within one of them. The lucky descendants who inherited this power were the aforementioned three-metre ogre things. Take this as some sort of aesop: "No matter whether or not your descendant uses feces to show whose jaws they want to put their balls in, they might be the one to rekindle your race."
Sadly for that aesop, by the time they reached a medieval-type civilization, the ogres slowly went extinct as carrion, their only food source, ran out, plunging them into oblivion.
The Wall Ponies
These were the Equines that gave the toughest resistance against the onslaught of the Qu. Tough enough, in fact, to push back TWO invading waves of the dragonfly wannabes. Unfortunately, they were taken down by the third.
The Qu, with their horribly twisted sense of justice thanks to their god complexes boosting their egos to unhealthy levels that would make any high school jock or cheerleader seem humble, wanted to make these insufferable pony descendants pay. As such, they turned them into living flesh bricks used as trash cans, toilets, or other such waste filters.
The best part? The Qu kept these peoples' memories and ability to understand the world around them and what was happening to them intact, along with keeping at least one eye out to be able to witness their terrible fate in all its wretched glory. Also, they made them practically immortal. OOF.
For forty million years, they suffered so much it would make Hell seem like a paradise. After the Qu finally left, they hoped for a quick extinction to finally rid them of this cruel existence. However, the hardiness they had been given did not allow them so, and they spread themselves across their world. One day, though, the creation of a certain something would allow them to taste hope once more.
The Flyers
These pony animals were by no means rare. World taken by the Qu after world taken by the Qu, you could spot at least one species that took to the air. They resembled either bat ponies, species of the long-gone order of Pterodactyloidea, or angels or demons depending on your perspective.
Sadly, most of these poor bois were too good at flying, and they sacrificed being chad wrinklebrains to be able to believe they could fly, and follow through with said belief. One exception however, was a species that fit under the umbrella of the pterodactyloid forms, while simultaneously retaining sizeable traces of their equine heritage. Their advantage was a unique, starfish-shaped organ in their chest, which pumped oxygen directly from the air into their lungs in an extremely efficient manner. Therefore, the Flyers could go "it's big brain time" without having to sacrifice going into the heavens.
That didn't mean they were gonna immediately go for the option of a giant hunk of flesh within their skulls, though. There were other vacant niches ready to be occupied, and other energy-consuming adaptations they could play with in these said niches. Their pristine world was soon filled from anything to bomber-sized sailors to predators with such impossible speed they'd make a race car look like a scooter going uphill. Achieving intelligence was the least to worry about for now.
