In a underground comedy club underneath the school, the student six put all the things that bug them on (mock) trial with Spike as the judge.
Warning: The following story is currently unedited and contains mock trials of various things about MLP and Equestria in general. Readers shouldn't take anything about the following cases too seriously.
Based on Lewis Black's Root of All Evil.
Underneath the school, there is an underground comedy club where students get to hear the student six host a series of mock trials of all the things, places, and characters that annoy or frustrate them. With Spike as the judge and jury, what would he decide to be - The Root of All Evil?
Underneath the School of Friendship on Tuesday after classes were let go for the day, the students one by one slip through the gilded cover in the Library for a secret club meeting. It is a club where not even the Headmare Twilight is aware of its existence – something that the members of said club liked to keep it that way. It wasn’t that the students couldn’t have made a club – but due to a rule that Twilight made: all clubs have to have some academic value.
It was the main reason why the club was formed.
There were other reasons too. A way to help unwind, a reliever of stress and anxiety, and then a brilliant way of turning the constant stream of bad news, upsetting characters, and policies that made no sense into catharsis. The way they did it – was to put it on trial. But all the members agreed that the only way to put the issues they have on their minds to be shared – is through jokes.
“This is gonna be good!” Spike rubbed his talons excitedly. Since the founding of the club, Spike took up the role of the judge with these mock trials. Sure, he could argue a case like any of them. However, the club saw it best as the referee. Stopping before a pair of doors, he turned around to Gallus and Smolder who were behind him. “So, you guys ready?”
“More than ready to rip Discord a new one,” Smolder said, cracking her knuckles.
“And I can’t wait to get the bad memories of my last vacation out,” Gallus smirked as he adjusted the black-tie he was wearing.
Spike looked down at his watch. “Well, good luck to both of you.” He shook both of their claws, and putting on a powdered wig, Spike opened the double doors.
The club itself was located in a vaulted dome chamber of glowing crystals and two floors of students that were eager for a show. In front of them was a tall desk with a gavel and two benches on either side. The three of them walked in, waving at the club members and taking their places.
Once they were in place, Spike started to bang his gavel. “Order! Order! Settle down! Shut up!” The chamber became quiet. “The Underground Comedy Club is now open! I’m Judge Spike and this is my courtroom. Where I put on trial all the things that scare me so much, that it makes whatever Nightmare Moon could come up with look like Whinnyland.” This got a laugh from the students. “Tonight’s case: Discord vs. Las Pegasus. Which is the Root of All Evil!?”
The students applauded.
“But first,” Spike said, “a little info for those who are not in the know. When Las Pegasus was found, it used to be a city of No's. No Families. No Clothes. And no chance of winning. Nowadays, Las Pegasus has evolved into a city of Yes's. Yes, you will get mugged. Yes, you’ll have to step over the foals in the strip clubs. And yes, you’re still going to lose.
“And in the other corner,” Spike continued, “is the one eldritch god that would easily give Lovecraft an aneurysm just by looking at him – Discord! The former villain turned kinda-sorta good guy, is known widely for his surreal powers, his strange references that no one gets, and having an army of shippers ready to defend to the death that he should be paired up with Fluttershy.
“So, with that out of the way, on with the trial!” The student audience cheered as the real show was about to begin. “Contending to make the case that Las Pegasus is the Root of All Evil is future con-artist to out con the Flim-Flam Brothers – Gallus!” The applause was heard as the blue Gryphon nodded and raised his claw. “And here to make the case that Discord is the Root of All Evil is the spewing orange volcano – Smolder!” The Dragoness did the same thing as the students cheered her. “Let’s get down to it. Gallus, you’re up.”
“Thank you, Your Honor,” Gallus smirked as he took center stage. “Once upon a time, Las Pegasus was founded by an organized group of mobsters, con-artists, disgruntled magicians, and underpaid pimps that got so tired of beating ponies out for their money that they built a town to trick stupid ponies into giving their bits willingly. It's a place where the casinos have free drinks, free buffets, and the house always wins! Frankly, it’s a model to swindle ponies out of their bits that the Griffons are still pissed off that they didn’t come up with it first.” This got a laugh out of the students, but he continued.
“Furthermore, Your Honor, Las Pegasus is maliciously brilliant! I mean when you go there, it promises the most spectacular shows, the finest restaurants on the planet, and all the prostitutes that would make any Ancient Pegasi Emperor drool over. However, they cleverly made the prices so expensive that you have no choice but to gamble towards the top to get that ticket. The casinos praise the myth that everyone is just one lucky chance away from becoming super-rich. That hope is every night beaten, raped on camera, and forced to make its death march through the desert before doing it all over again.
“Remember folks! What happens in Las Pegasus is – the Root of All Evil!”
The club members applauded to which Spike had to bang on his gavel a few times to ring them in. “Smolder, want to give it a go?”
“Gladly, Your Honor,” Smolder got up from her bench and addressed the club. “Yes, come to Las Pegasus. A place where the hotels are stereotypical and gaudy; filled with expensive, extravagant suites that rival Prince Blueblood’s bathroom; with enough blinding neon to give you a migraine, and has gambling that works against your favor… But where did they get the inspiration for that? They got it from Discord!
“Your Honor, this should be a no-brainer that Discord is the Root of All Evil because if he’s really a god of something, he’s the God of getting away with anything. Before his so-called ‘reformation’ by the Elements of Harmony, Discord was by all accounts a villain. Then after that, he still has the behaviors of a crazed loony toon where if anyone else tried to do what he did, they would have been turned to stone. This is exactly why when news of Discord’s latest screw-up that for the first time his fans got really angry at him. Really? Him grooming the Legion of Doom to be these powerful final bosses was what tipped them off? That event was what made them think that this was so unexpected, out-of-character, and out of nowhere of him? Because, yeah, when I think of an Ex-God of Chaos, madness, and surrealist paintings – oh yeah, I think of consistency.
“I will prove beyond a doubt that Discord is more than an Ex-Chaos God, he is – The Root of All Evil!”
The audience roared, much to the satisfaction of the Dragoness that sat down on her bench, smirking at Gallus as if to do one better.
Spike called out. “Now this will be interesting. Which is worst: City of Random or the God of Random References? Gallus, state your case.”
He nodded as he got up to face the crowd. “Las Pegasus is the worst kind of evil because it confuses you into bankruptcy. If you step inside a casino and play their games long enough, you’ll begin to notice that there are no windows or clocks. In fact, the only way to tell if it’s day or night is by the stamp on your Automatic Banking Machine receipt. Which, by the way, isn’t that great to have that new feature in a casino? In the old days, you would lose all the bits that you brought with you, now you’re able to lose all the money you have in the world!
“While we’re on the subject; outside of their casinos, we all agree that losing bits is pretty much the most painful experience you can have, right? But in Las Pegasus, as soon as you exchange your cold hard-earned bits for one of these… Exhibit A.” Out from underneath his wing, Gallus pulled out a single plastic chip. “They give you these cheap plastic chips that when you hold it – it doesn’t feel like money at all! I mean sure, this thing says it’s worth five-hundred bits, but darn it, they’re just so fun to throw around! Here you go, Your Honor!” Gallus tossed the plastic coin over to Spike in which he caught it.
This got a laugh from the club members and a fuming dragoness who sat back down.
Gallus returned to face them. “What about the most famous phrase spoken about the city? We all know what I mean: ‘What happens in Las Pegasus…’”
“‘Stays in Las Pegasus.’” The club finished his sentence.
“Yet, is that true? Does that regardless of what you’ve done stays in that place? Sure, I may be bankrupt, caught fifteen different sexually transmitted diseases, committed murder, and burned several Flim-Flam Brother's owned hotel and casinos to the ground – why, that would make me a wanted criminal – in Las Pegasus. Ponies would love to believe that Las Pegasus is a law-free zone, but I’m sorry to tell you that the police over there can’t keep a secret to save their lives. I’ve checked. This is why the city of sin is worse than Discord – that for all his faults, at least the Chaos God doesn’t lie to you.”
The students applauded as Gallus took a bow before returning to his bench.
Spike turned over to Smolder, “So what do you got?”
Smolder stood up and walked over towards the club members. “Your Honor, Discord is the Root of All Evil because he’s a mad god, without a plan. One day, Mr. Nut Case would say, ‘I’m going to turn Ponyville into a stoner’s version of a Cheesecake Factory.’ The next he would go, ‘I’d like fruit baskets.’ I don’t have to be a shrink to say that Discord is the worst kind of lunatic – one that can manipulate reality to his liking. For example, take the time when Discord first came to town. Among the countless things he did, he made it rain chocolate, made Professor Rarity fall in love with a rock, and turned a random public toilet into a portal to Celestia’s bedroom.
“Furthermore, he has over the years grown a fanbase. Yes, there are those who like the antics of Mr. Cuckoo. Until recently, none of them mind all the stuff he did after he turned good. Which is really odd when you think about it. But when it came to the Grogar incident, they cried that he was going too far. Was he really? This is the same guy who denied he had anything to do with planting plunderseeds that grew into enormous black thorny vines that foalnapped the Princesses, yet he had the power to get rid of them whenever he wanted. The same guy who pretended to have the blue flu just because Twilight wasn't giving him enough attention. That he stabbed Equestria in the back by teaming up with Tirek for a while. Who invited the Smooze that almost digested the Grand Galloping Gala and was about to toss a pony into another dimension just because he was jealous. He nearly got the Judge and Big Mac hurt by turning Ogres & Oubliettes into the real thing. Nearly came close to breaking up Big Mac’s relationship with his future wife. Then he got frustrated with Starlight for not inviting him to teach at the school so he terrorized the students, nearly killed Yona twice while sending the Elements on a wild goose chase. Not only that, he tricked Professor Rainbow Dash into giving Fluttershy a winterchilla for Hearths Warming. Oh! And to top it all off, he brought back Sombra to teach our professors a lesson. Yet, even all of this, what did those fans say to all of that? ‘Oh Discord, he’s so funny like that!’ Wow imagine if Discord did something serious.”
There was a collective “Oohhh!” from the audience as they reacted to a burn that Smolder made.
Spike banged his gavel.
Smolder continued. “Before we move on, there’s one more reason why I believe Discord is the Root of All Evil. It's that if you think about it – despite being incredibly ancient, he’s kinda immature for his age. Scrap the powers that laugh at the laws of physics, and you’d get someone who makes short-sighted plans, has unexpected mood swings, gets jealous easily, wants to easily impress everyone, and is recently been told how he should behave… oh crap.” Smolder kicked, “Mares and Gentlecolts, we’re dealing with a God that’s going through puberty!”
This got a big laugh out of the club members before Smolder sat back down on her bench.
Spike allowed the laughter to subside a little before calling to order. “Now this is a difficult case. Which is more evil? An immature god or a trickster city? I don’t know about the rest of you, but I want answers. So ready or not, here comes the part of the show that I’d like to call – my Inquisition.”
Spike flew down from his towering desk to the ground, in between the two benches. He turned to Smolder first. “You know Smolder, I’m actually friends with Discord. We have a guy’s night every Saturday – are you implying that I’m evil too?”
“Oh no no, Your Honor,” Smolder shook her head, “I mean, not everyone on Sombra’s torture staff was evil.” This got a less than pleased reaction from the club. “C’mon, think about it, I’d bet the guy that waterboard the Slaves was probably a really great dad.” She said with a smile.
Spike blinked, “Your funeral. Gallus!” He turned to the griffon. “I’ve heard that Las Pegasus is the world capital of marriages. Couples like Starlight and Trixie had flocked over there to make their vows. How can that be a bad thing?”
“What? The quick and easy marriage chapels?” Gallus raised an eyebrow. “Your Honor, marriage tends to come about with plenty of planning, foresight, and that a couple is capable of being... well, a couple. That’s why it takes forever to plan one. But in Las Pegasus, you could get married on the basics that you had beer goggles on. Then the next thing you know, you wake up married with a stranger while your mother is busy digging your grave.”
“Uh-huh, Smolder,” Spike turned to her, “if I recall correctly; Discord has his fair share of saving Equestria too. How could saving Equestria be evil?”
Smolder scoffed, “Oh please, Your Honor, except us that one time, it was the Elements of Harmony or ponies that did the heavy lifting. But even with the second time Queen Chrysalis tried to invade, he only did the bare minimum by simply hanging around. Maybe instead of that friendship metal, they should have given him a participation trophy. Then again, how many times has he put Equestria in danger again?”
Spike thought for a moment, “Smolder, what would happen if Discord took over Las Pegasus?”
“Easy, he would convert the hotel rooms into lava lamps; have all the plastic chips spared wings and fly; and he would cast the Flim-Flam Brothers to juggle seals, lounge chairs, and corn cobs in Cirque du Soleil.”
“Correct!” he turned to the griffon, “Gallus, what would happen if Discord visited Las Pegasus?”
“If he went at night,” he answered, “Discord would simply melt in the intensity of the bright hot neon while the tourists loot his oversized wallet.”
“Also correct!” Spike flew back on top of his towering desk. “And now for the final question for the both of you. If these evils are left unchecked, what can I expect for the future children that I’m not going to have? Gallus, predict the future in your – Ripple of Evil!”
The club members applauded as the lights dimmed and a spotlight from above showed down in the center of the room. To which, the griffon stepped into.
“If tourists continued to come to Las Pegasus, then that would mean that Cirque du Soleil will be forced to create ever more spectacular and elaborate shows. Eventually, the circus will have to recruit more from the acrobatic loving countries of the former Griffon Kingdom. They will see the extravagances of the city that will fill them with rage to the point that they will form an army of contorting, flexible, and elastic troops that will engulf Equestria and eventually the world in a graceful ballet of violence. But that wouldn’t be enough! When the world is theirs, they will then force every stallion, mare, and foal to take part in a colossal equine tower that would reach up into the heavens to reach their ultimate goal – to climb up and foalnap Faust!”
The audience laughed as Gallus stepped out of the spotlight.
Spike gave a low whistle, “Hey Smolder, how can you top foalnapping Faust?”
The Dragoness stepped forward into the spotlight, her arms behind her back, addressing the audience. “If the evils of Discord aren’t called out enough, eventually the wack-job will get bored of being nice all the time and would eventually test to see how much he could get away with. Next thing you know, he’ll go into an art gallery and would think that it’ll be funny if all the weird, nightmarish images in modern art were to interact with reality. Suddenly Equestria is overwhelmed by blocks of color that rob banks, trash sculptors that demolish monuments to make itself grow, and Yoko Ohno’s albums will hit number one in the listening charts. It will get so bad, that not even the Elements could do anything about it as they are attacked and sneered in pollock paints. Oh well, at least Discord didn’t do anything serious.”
With the club members applauding that burn, Smolder returned to her seat as the lights in the room went back up.
“Alright, alright,” Spike banged on his gavel a few times, “let’s hear out final arguments before I make a verdict. Gallus, you got anything to add to this freak show?”
“Gladly,” Gallus stood up and flew up a little so all could see him. “You know, talking about how evil Las Pegasus is just making me want to go there. It’s only a balloon ride away you guys, so c’mon, let’s go! I’ve got coupons for the Stable Buck, flanks slaps on me!” This got a wild cheer out of the audience.
When it died down, Spike asked, “Gallus, you pay for those slaps?” Gallus shrugged. “Smolder, you wanna give your closing statement.”
Smolder got up, stood in the center of the room, cleared her throat, and pointed at herself. “Winner.” And sat back down.
Once the laughter had settled down, Spike banged his gavel twice. “Now for my Final Verdict. Just... wow, what can I say here? Las Pegasus is a place so gaudy that just looking at it is enough to make your eyes melt. Then again Discord only wishes he could be like that. However, Discord is a lovable but immature being with powers to make me alter anything I say or do just without me realizing it. Then again, Las Pegasus tricks you into losing while Discord brags to you upfront about it. Discord makes reality interesting while Las Pegasus takes the world’s greatest monuments and demotes them to miniature golf status.
“I’ve made up my mind! The Root of All Evil – is Las Pegasus!”
“Yes!” Gallus jumped in the air while Smolder sat there looking disgruntled.
At that moment, there was a mixed response from the club members. Some were cheering while others booed. Yet Spike called to order as he banged his gavel several times.
“I sentence the city of Las Pegasus to the biggest losing gambling streak in its history: try to survive five minutes at a tea party at Discord’s home dimension without vomiting. My court is adjourned!” With a final, loud and sharp bang of the gavel, the show came to a close. Spike got down from his desk as the club members applauded while Gallus and Smolder shook claws.
An hour later in the student’s lounge, it was dinner time. Six students plus Spike sat around a round table digging into Neighponese food. “Hey Spike,” Ocellus inquired, “mind if I ask you something?”
“Yeah?” Spike looked up, slurping a straying noodle.
“So what made you rule against Smolder’s argument? I thought she did pretty good with what she got.”
“Partly because Discord is my friend. But partly because Smolder was right about one thing.”
This got the Dragoness’s attention. “Yeah? What’s that?”
“He’s easily jealous and has the emotional maturity of a four-year-old. I know that’s cruel to say that coming from me. But then again, if he found out about the club and that I ruled that he’s the Root of All Evil, well… let’s just say he’s scary when angry.”
Smolder snorted, “At least I got what I wanted to say off my mind.”
“I take it you’re still angry at him for almost killing Yona twice.”
She squinted, “Among other things.”
The students fell silent for a minute, each tending to their meals. That was until Spike thought of something. “So remind me again why we can’t tell Twilight about the club?”
This received several puzzled looks from the students.
“Well for one,” Gallus answered, “clubs at the school aren’t official if they had some academic value. Books, theaters, magic, all of that are just stuff that they extend further on in class. But comedy? Especially when we can freely talk about whatever issues we wanted without offending anyone. I mean, considering that one when we put Rainbow Dash on trial two weeks ago, you don’t think that Twilight is going to let that fly?”
“I know, but hear me out,” Spike raised a claw. “After being a judge for the past month, I’d say that the game, this mock trial thing we’ve been doing, does have a lot of academic stuff that even Twilight would approve of. It has critical thinking, making persuasive arguments, and the system is kinda how courts are like - just with jokes so it’s not taken seriously.”
“Uh… I don’t know…” Silverstream rubbed her arm. “If she knew what kind of stuff we’ve been making fun of down there, do you think she would still allow it? Honestly? I mean, Sex Ed vs. Pinkie Pie alone would have given her a conniption.”
“Or the Twilight vs. Griffionstone case,” Sandbar pointed out, “yeah, if she heard what any of us had said about her… I wouldn’t be surprised if that would get us expelled.”
“But none of you know that,” Spike said. “For all you know, maybe she would laugh along at the jokes. Even when we’re making fun of her friends.”
“Are you sure that’s a risk worth taking?” Ocellus questioned.
“What about next case?” Yona inquired after munching on a dumpling. “None of us decided yet.”
Spike sighed, “Okay, we’ll deal with this later. For now, are there any suggestions on what we could do?”
“Yona thinks to put Neighsay on trial.” Yona raised a hoof.
“I’d go with Hearts and Hooves Day,” Ocellus suggested.
“Really?” This got Smolder’s attention, “Why would that be the Root of All Evil?”
“Because it’s turned into a joke holiday that no one takes seriously. Not to mention cruel on those who happen to be single.”
“Speaking from experience, are we?”
Ocellus folded her forelegs, “Shut up.”
“Anyone else?” Spike asked.
“What about that one manager that used to work for Coloratura?” Sandbar suggested, “I’ve heard he was horrible, but… what’s his name?”
“Svengallop,” Spike answered, “And yes, that guy should be on trial one of these days. Anything else?”
“How about Cozy Glow?” Smolder asked, “That should be a sure win argument there?”
Silverstream raised a claw, “Is it possible to put a season on trial?”
“Which season?” Spike asked.
“Winter.”
“That’ll be interesting. But I guess at this point that all of you got a lot of ideas already?” They nodded. “Here, I’ll tell you what? Why not you all write up some suggestions and put them in a hat. Then whichever gets pulled out, that will be the next case for next week.”
After pulling out some paper, the six students wrote down their suggestions before folding them up and, upon noticing that there was a lack of a hat around, Ocellus turned into a tophat just so Spike could jumble the suggestions in.
“And the next case will be…” pulling two slips of paper, he opened them up before cocking an eyebrow. “Well… this ought to be interesting. So who wants to do the trial next week?”
Ocellus flashed back to her original form, the other suggestions falling to the ground. “I’ll do it!”
“Me too!” Silverstream smiled. “So what are we doing?”
Spike handed the slips of paper over to them. They blinked and looked at the other suggestion.
“I’ll give it this,” Ocellus commented, “it can’t get any more random than this.”
Silverstream peeked through her notebook, her eyelids drooping. It had been days since Spike had assigned them to look further into their cases. In the quiet of the school’s library, the two of them reviewed their notes while Silverstream yawned. “Trying to get this out of the way first. But I gotta tell ya, this was probably the hardest to try to get any notes from.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because as much as we had to read our textbook,” she held up the Friendship Journal, “I was struggling to find any info about the fandom that sprang from it. I was resorted to going to our professors to piece it together.”
Ocellus’s ears perked up in alarm. “You didn’t tell them about the club, did you?”
“Of course not. I just told them that I wanted to know about the fans that the journal sprang from. But even then, I was only able to get it out from Starlight, Rainbow, and Twilight.”
“Why not the other professors?”
“I tried. Applejack had a funny look when I asked her before I was kicked off the farm.”
“Funny look?”
“She went all quiet as if she was having a flashback. But not the happy kind, more like the… what do you call it? Post-traumatic stress flashback. But as for the others, Fluttershy denied that the Friendship Journal fandom existed. And Rarity started crying as soon as I asked her the first question. She too had a funny look on her face.” Setting the notebook aside, she asked how Ocellus was doing.
“The good news is that I’m able to find some information about the holiday. The bad news,” Ocellus turned to the side and picked up a very large pile of thick books that she put on the table with a noticeable THUNK! “Here’s what they have to say about it.”
“Are you sure you can figure out all the bad sides of Hearts and Hooves?”
“It’s a subject that I have an interest in… for obvious reasons.”
“I’m surprised you took it up. That you’re going to tell the club how bad it is from being a favorite holiday.”
“Actually, I hate it.” Ocellus said, flipping open a book, “We only go about because we tend to get a free meal somewhere. But although I have my reasons, I wanted to see why anyone else would either.”
“Still,” Silverstream picked up her notebook, “this is going to be a fun trail.”
“What trial?”
This sudden third voice almost made Silverstream and Ocellus jump right out of their seats. It was at this moment that they found Twilight nearby, listening over their shoulders.
“How long have you been there?” Silverstream asked.
“I just got here. So, what’s this about a fun trial?”
“Well, you know,” Ocellus said, trying to think up of a lie. “Trial as in a… challenge. Yes! We’re looking forward to a fun challenge soon.”
“Really?” Twilight tilted her head. “What kind?”
“We just have to uh…” Silverstream looked down at her notes. “Going to be in a debate and just getting ready.”
“I didn’t know you two were in the debate club.” Twilight put a hoof to her chin as if a thought as came to her, “If anything, I don’t recall either of you ever signing for it.”
“We just recently joined.” Silver insisted, “And now we’re just doing some research is all.”
“Alright.” Twilight nodded, “So when’s the debate? I’d like to hear it.”
Both students looked at one another, uncertain of what to say. “We don’t know yet.” Ocellus told her, “It might be next week or two, but I don’t think either of us is sure.”
“Well, when you do, let me know.” With that, Twilight walked away over to a nearby bookshelf.
As soon as she was out of sight, both students let out a tense breath they were holding.
“That was so close,” Silverstream sighed in relief.
“Tell me about it.” Ocellus nodded.
Looking over her shoulder, Silver added, “You don’t think that she might… you know?”
Ocellus shook her head, “I don’t think she suspects anything. Which is good news for us and the club.” Gathering up her books, she told her friend, “I’m going to head back to my room. So, I could put my case together in peace.”
“Same,” Silverstream picked up her notebook and scratch paper, “besides, I still need to come up with a few jokes anyway. Mind helping me out?”
“I think you’re better asking Gallus or Smolder; they tend to get the comedy club rolling whenever they’re around.”
With that, the two students left.
Twilight peaked her head from the bookshelf, “Comedy club?”
Days later, the club members were applauding Judge Spike, Ocellus, and Silverstream as they entered into the chamber. Both mares smiled and waved to their audience as Spike flew up to perch on his tall desk to bang his gavel. The Changeling and the Hippogriff took their seats as Spike called them to order.
“Order! Order! Settle down! The Underground Comedy Club is now open!” The members got quiet as the show has begun. “I’m Judge Spike and this is my courtroom. Where I put on trial all the things that revolt me so much that it makes me want to strangle myself with a radio cord!” This got a laugh from the students. “Tonight’s case: Hearts and Hooves Day vs. Friendship Journal Fans. Which is the Root of All Evil!?”
There were loud cheers when Spike announces the case.
“But first, from those who have recently woken up from a thousand-year-long nap, here’s a quick summary. Hearts and Hooves Day is the holiday that celebrates love in the best way we know. By giving mares enough flowers to cause an ecosystem to collapse, reservations at expensive restaurants to make anyone’s wallets weep, and enough chocolate to become diabetic. And it’s wisely placed on February 14th, ironically the most depressing time of the year.
“However, contending for the title is a particular fandom that grew from the Friendship Journal. Ever since its publication, the journal about the adventures of Equestrian's six heroines had plunged them into the spotlight. The fans have upheld the spirit of the book by not reading it, thinking that it belongs in the fictional section, and for a time made Rarity public enemy number one. But worst of all, it squeezed the ghost-writer (me) out of a writing credit.
“So here to make the case that the Friendship Fans are the Root of All Evil is the lovable future serial killer, Silverstream!” Smiling, the Hippogriff stood up from her bench to wave at the cheering crowd. “And here to contend that Hearts and Hooves Day is the Root of All Evil is the mental ticking time-bomb, Ocellus!” The Changeling did the same thing but remained standing. “Ocellus, time for us to give your opening statement.”
She nodded as she walked towards the club members. “I know what you’re thinking. Ocellus, you’re a Changeling, shouldn't Hearts and Hooves be like Hearth’s Warming to you? So, what do you have against it? It’s an innocent enough holiday, right? A day where foals exchange cards in class, where couples go on dates, and it's a big celebration for those who are married, right? If by innocent, you mean the most hypocritical, biased, and the most discriminatory day of the year. A day where the only stallion in the world who’s just as happy as the mares on that day, is the CEO of the greeting card company.”
The club members laughed so loudly that Spike had to bang his gavel while holding back the laughter himself.
Ocellus continued, “Furthermore, Your Honor, if you think about it, the holiday is redundant to those who are in a relationship. If the point for the holiday is to show how much you love someone, that they’re willing to go through all sorts of extremes to make you happy, and then have sex with them so hard that they lose consciousness – isn’t that what your lover should be doing every day?”
As soon as the applause died down she continued, “Not only that but ladies, do you know how much bits has been spent on Hearts and Hooves Day for you? What do you expect to get from your special someone? Roses, chocolates, that teddy bear that has a velvet heart with a hoof-stitched message of something cute on it, and maybe some new shiny sparkly jewelry, right? Has anyone ever stopped to think how much that costs? Those roses that’ll wilt away in a few days cost 40 bits. The box of chocolates that’ll be eaten or thrown away is about 25 bits. That specially made teddy bear that you’re just going to throw in the attic and never to see it again… 60 bits. Jewelry? The cheapest is about 190. So, in total, you’re expecting them to spend, at a minimum: 315 bits! But the cost to bribe you to not guilt your special somecreature when you have a fierce argument in saying that you wish you were dead because they couldn't afford to pay all that for Hearths and Hooves – priceless.
“For Hearts and Hooves Day, be mine in – The Root of All Evil!”
After the applause died down to where Ocellus sat back on her bench, Spike turned to the Hippogriff. “Silver, go ahead and make your case.”
Standing up, Silverstream addressed the club’s members. “Your Honor, it’s no secret that there have been fans over the years. Entire communities have sprung up from all sorts of things. From the Daring Do book series, toys that discontinued decades ago, the never-ending stories of Neighponese manga, even masturbating and finishing on a cheese pizza. But-”
Silver was cut off by the sudden shocked laughter from the members where she waited until they’ve calmed down, “But none of these fandoms have come close to the evil that had sprung up from the Friendship Journal. So, let’s be clear – Your Honor – the book itself that has been turned into our textbooks is not what’s evil. It’s the fans that came about after it was published. How evil are they? Well here’s an example. For a while, these fans had boycott and nearly drove Rarity – the element of generosity – out of business because they didn’t like her. That’s almost like getting angry at the element of kindness for taking forever to stop being a pushover – oh wait! They did! You know a fandom is evil when they wanted to go after Rarity and Fluttershy for not being perfect from the start. At least fans of A. K. Yearling didn’t try to burn her house down because she forgot to autograph a fan's copy of her book.
“Which is why I’ll be writing a fanfic called ‘The Friendship Journal Fans are – The Root of All Evil!’”
As Silverstream returned to her bench, the club members applauded while Spike banged on his gavel. “Welp, this is gonna be an interesting show. A battle between overly devout followers, and the Friendship Journal fans. Ocellus, state your case.”
Nodding, she got up, walking towards the audience. “Let’s be honest here, the real reason why Hearts and Hooves Day is the Root of All Evil is that when you get down to it – it’s the only sexist holiday we tolerate nowadays, and no one has called it out for it.” This got a laugh, especially from the mares. “Oh, you think I’m kidding? Here, watch this: hey guys, when’s the last time your special somepony turned to you and say, ‘Hey hon, what do you want for Hearts and Hooves Day?’” Silence. “Exactly! When you really think about it, mares are the only ones that often look forward to it. And we know why. Because it’s the day where the guys are mandated to worship us in more ways than one. As much as we love to think that our society is equal when it comes to sex and gender, on Hearts and Hooves Day, we’d put them on a leash to tell them to sit, rollover, and start licking our happy spot until we start seeing stars.”
Amongst the laughter, Spike’s head was on the desk, his fist banging on the wood.
“Of course,” Ocellus continued, “the holiday isn’t just about that. Why, in Elementary schools, it’s just an innocent day where once a year, students make enough cards for everyone, give out candy to be placed in them in a specially over-decorated shoebox, right? Wrong! I mean let’s face it, unless those same schools have a rule where you have to write out cards to every student in your class, that ritual is nothing more than a popularity contest. It gets worst as you grow up through Jr High and High school. Yeah, here’s an idea, let’s have teenagers give all the cards and candy to all the popular kids while the rest of them go home with depression and additional loneliness. I’m sure it won’t backfire in any way!
“Yet, one of this holiday’s biggest offenses is the date it’s set. One would think that if they’re going to have a day that celebrates love, wouldn’t you have it be set in the Spring? Ah! That’s also why Hearts and Hooves day is evil, its because whoever set the date, must have been a sadist. Someone had to get up in a meeting and say, ‘I've got an idea! How about we set this day of love on the most depressing month of the year and when flu season is at its height. What do you say fellas?’ Ah yes, nothing says love more, than a day when you’re most likely to be sneezing your head off while feeling suicidal. Thank you.”
Spike let the club member’s applause die down before commenting. “You know Ocellus, that argument certainly explains why every Hearts and Hooves I would be curled up in a ball with a picture of Rarity in one claw and a bottle of sleeping pills in the other. Silver, your turn.”
After Ocellus sat back down, Silverstream got up. “The Friendship Journal fans are the Root of All Evil because they looked at a story about maintaining friendships, knowing how to be kind, how to be generous, telling the truth, finding humor in everyday life, and not giving up on your friends… and decided to do none of all that. In fact, did you know that there's a chunk of the fans of the journal who didn’t read it? There was a group of fancolts who came all the way from Fillydelphia just to have Twilight autograph their copies before sealing them up in plastic bags. They didn’t even read it and already they declared it as a masterpiece! Isn't that like being a fan of van Gogh and never bothered to see a single painting from him?
“Oh! And how about this gem? In the fandom, there is a subgroup made up of foals where they worship Rainbow Dash. Now I know what some of you are thinking. Silver, you’re not going to go after kids in your argument are you? Yes, I am! Because these foals love Rainbow Dash to the point of cult status. So much so, that they had ripped the other lessons out of the book that doesn’t have a mention of her in it. Why? Because they found all the other stories about life-changing lessons boring. I mean, imagine if these kids were in high school and were given classic books to read. ‘What’s this? The Time Machine? Gallup’s Travels? A Hearth’s Warming Carol? Do any of them have Rainbow Dash in them? No? Then forget it!’”
The audience cheered at this to the point where Spike had to ring them back in by banging his gavel.
“But worst of all, Your Honor, the real reason why this fandom is the Root of All Evil is that most of them, even their critics, can’t really tell that these stories about friendship are based on real ponies! They didn’t see any of these stories as autobiographical. They didn’t see it as true events but just tall tales based on real ponies. Ah yes, and Starswirl the Bearded can shoot lasers from his eyes.” This got a laugh from the club. “Well I’m glad you guys knew that was a joke, but to them, I could say the same thing and they would believe it!
“So, because they saw all this as fiction, some of them felt that the book should edit out certain ‘characters,’ like Rarity for being too selfish. I’m going to repeat that. They thought, the element of generosity, was too selfish! They thought that Rarity was too prideful, stuck up, and ignorant! I guess the one thing they clearly don’t have, are friends who would hold a mirror up to them. Thank you.”
Silverstream took a small bow before returning to her bench while the club members applauded. Once it died down, Spike hummed loudly in thought. “Now this is a tough case. A group of blind followers that bend the rules to their liking, or the same thing? I’m going to be needing answers for this – my Inquisition!”
As the club members cheered, Spike got down from his towering desk down to ground level. He turned towards the Changeling. “Ocellus, what’s so bad about a holiday that couples celebrate their love? Is that a bad thing?”
“If you’re in a couple and female, then no, there’s nothing wrong with it at all. However, as much as it celebrates couples being in love, it becomes the most depressing day of the year for anyone whose single. Funny how we keep forgetting they exist. If anything, Hearts and Hooves should be called National Singles Awareness Day.”
Spike nodded as he turned to the Hippogriff, “Silverstream, you go on about how the fandom didn’t learn a thing from the journal. But what about those that did learn its lessons? Don’t they count?”
“Funny thing about that,” Silverstream pointed out, “when our Professors came face to face with those fans, do you know how many of them actually learned anything whatsoever from the journal? Out of hundreds, maybe thousands that came they've come across – only two! Not in hundreds either, just two. Two fillies had figured out that this book was on friendship, while the rest couldn’t agree on what’s it about. And most of them were adults! Now that’s bad when a couple of young fillies know more about the book than most grown-ups.”
“Uh-huh… Ocellus,” he turned to her, “You’re saying that only mares like Hearts and Hooves.”
“That’s right,” she nodded.
“But what about the stallions that say they like it? I mean, I like the holiday enough.”
“Really, how come?”
“Well, for one, Cadence always gives me a box of gems on that day. So it can’t be that bad.”
“Oh, you poor thing,” Ocellus patted his head. “You must have been tortured like a prisoner of war.”
“C’mon,” Spike stepped away, “She only used the whips and chains on me that one time.” This got a laugh as he turned to Silverstream. “Hey, Silver, how do these fans affect the way your teachers celebrate Hearts and Hooves Day?”
“That’s easy. Applejack would get another restraining order. Fluttershy sits on the front steps with a crossbow. Pinkie would hide in an underground bunker with Rainbow Dash. Rarity would disguise herself as a stallion – again. And Twilight would bore them to death on a friendship lecture.”
“Ocellus,” he returned to the Changeling. “This is confidential between us.”
“Of course,” Ocellus nodded.
“I’d like to write some fanfictions in my off time. Some of them are romances, and what perfect setting than on Hearts and Hooves Day?”
“Why not on an anniversary?”
Spike blinked. “Come again?”
“Your Honor, in the real world, doing the same stuff on Hearts and Hooves as one’s anniversary is a bit redundant, isn’t it? Why celebrate getting together twice; once on the actual day you got together, and again on some other random day? Having to do all that stuff all over again on Hearts and Hooves is just as useless as making New Year resolutions.”
“I see…” Spike walked away from both of them until he stood in the center of the room. “Well ladies, here’s my final question for both of you. If I don’t stop this evil tonight, what sort of Tartarus on Equis will we look forward to? Ocellus, bring out your Ripple of Evil.”
The lights dimmed; Spike flew back to his high desk as the club members cheered on for their favorite part of the show. Ocellus stepped into the spotlight in the center of the crystal chamber.
“If we continue to celebrate Hearts and Hooves Day, it will spread further anger among the stallions from their injustice. After years of being destitute from buying expensive gifts, putting up cringing love-talk to their mares, and exhausted from being forced to perform three-hour-long bucking marathons – those poor stallions will have no choice but to start a revolution. At first, their protests would go unnoticed as they’re not being taken seriously until they give the run models of Rarity’s fashion shows a Molotov cocktail. The revolution will take a bloody turn as stallions fight against mares, throwing bombs of chocolates at one another, slash papercuts with their Hearts and Hooves cards, and the only couples left alive will battle to the death in a dildo fight.”
Among the laughter, Spike smirked once the audience settled down enough for them to hear him. “Those… are the only fights I’m ever invited to. Silver, give us your vision of your personal Tartarus.”
Ocellus stepped out of the spotlight to which Silverstream stepped in.
“If the evils of the Friendship Journal fandom go unchecked, they would realize in fear that there will be no more sequels to their beloved book. And if there are no new stories to criticize, there’s no fandom. Forced with the prospect of ending their beloved craze, fans from across Equestria and the world would have to band together to storm Ponyville with suggestions and badly written fanfics where our teachers will be forced to act out. Soon, Twilight will pretend she doesn’t know what pizza is, or that Pinkie Pie and Applejack will have sex only to find out they’ve committed incest. But despite their sickest fanfictions acted out, other fans would be so disgusted, that they in turn would write fanfictions about each other, which they would force them to act out. In the end, the last fanfic writer would trigger the end of the world thanks to his story about Discord digesting a goat.”
With the lights coming back on and the club members applauding, Spike banged on his gavel a few times as Silver returned to her bench.
“Now we come to final arguments. Ocellus, is there anything you want to add before I make my final verdict?”
“Yes, Your Honor.” Ocellus stood up and addressed the crowd. “The reason why Hearts and Hooves is the Root of All Evil is not only it’s set in the winter, not only is the date at the pinacol of the most depressing month of the year, and not only it’s still the flu season there – it’s evil because it is about six weeks after Hearths Warming. Do you know what goes through your penniless stallion’s mind when that happens? He thinks: ‘Are you kidding me? Didn’t I just buy you a splendid pile of crap?! I went through all the trouble for months to go through every store and market so I could get you everything your little heart desired. Not to mention that I’ve personally hoof-wrapped each and every one of them because I didn’t want that argument again! I did that so you wouldn't go, 'It's not a present unless you wrap it.' You said it was the most perfect Hearths Warming of your life. And now, six weeks later, you’ve grown the balls to come to me and say – it wasn’t enough?’ Gentlecolts, if that has happened to you, then you have every right to dump her.
“I rest my case.”
The audience, mostly the stallions, cheered at this as Ocellus took a bow before heading to her seat.
“So Silver,” Spike turned to her, “anything you want to say before we end this?”
Nodding, Silverstream got up to address the club members. “It should be noted, that at its height when they have gathered together in Ponyville when they confronted the ponies in the journal to accuse them of the crime of being these flawed individuals, our teachers sang that they weren’t perfect to begin with. And yet, despite them making that point loud and clear, what did this fandom learned? ‘Dear Princess Celestia, we didn’t learn a thing! We were right all along! Sure, the most interesting characters are often flawed and could only be relatable in how they deal with their fears, insecurities, and demons. But you know what? We’re pretty much perfect as we are, and it is they that need to be more like us.’ In closing, the only thing that these fans of the Journal of Friendship seemed to have missed the mark on – it is in friendship. Thank you.”
Silver sat down as the audience applauded her.
Spike banged his gavel. “Alright, I’ve heard enough. It’s time for my Final Verdict.
“On the one claw, Hearts and Hooves day is a one-sided holiday where mares get all the good stuff while leaving the stallions with the bill. On the other, the Friendship Journal fans have deliberately committed the biggest sin that this court recognizes – it made Rarity cry! However, the day of love shows its true colors when the popular ponies get all sorts of love letters, and for me to have none. Considering that Twilight tends to get shipped by everyone under the sun – including the sun itself! But the Friendship Journal fiasco had left me out as the true author, thereby having your teachers getting everything and leaving me squat. Seriously, does Twilight or Starlight think that I’m still not upset by this?
“Hearts and Hooves is a day that – although flawed – tries to celebrate what’s most enduring. It intends to capture all the things that are good in the world by trying to be the best one can be with the one they care about. Something that none of these fans of the Friendship Journal could ever say!
“Therefore, I rule that the Root of All Evil is… The Friendship Journal Fans!” Spike declared, striking his gavel. The club members roared in applause. Silverstream fist-pumps her talons in the air while Ocellus clopped her hooves politely.
Spike banged on his gavel several times until the crystal chamber was silent. “And I sentence these fans to never get so much as a card on Hearts and Hooves Day, and instead have all the sweets, flowers, and cards be delivered to me. My court is adjourned!”
With a final strike, the show was over. Spike got up from his high desk while Silverstream and Ocellus shook hooves.
“I'd think that was a good case,” Spike said, taking off the powdered wig with Silverstream and Ocellus by his side as they walked back to the surface.
“For a moment, I thought Ocellus was going to win,” Silverstream replied. “She had put a lot into her research and books while I had only notes.”
“Still,” Ocellus commented, “I’m not disappointed. From what I could tell, the other club members seemed to agree with what I was saying. That, and your verdict did have a fair point.”
At this point, the three of them climbed up towards the gilded air duct to push it aside. Spike poked his head through, looked around at the library to make sure no one else was around.
“All clear,” Spike told them as he, Silverstream, and Ocellus climbed out.
After all, three were out of the catacombs, they dragged the plating back into its place.
“So since you’re here,” Silverstream inquired, “I know that it’s going to be Sandbar and Yona’s turn. Do you know what they’re doing next week?”
“It’s going to be one of those weird ones,” Spike said, going over to one of the paintings to open a hidden compartment before tossing his wig in. “At least, more than usual.”
“What is it?” Ocellus asked.
“Prince Blueblood vs. Ponyville.” After closing the compartment, he turned to them, “Blueblood, I get it – frankly I’m surprised we haven’t put him on trial yet. But I also want to see how anyone could make a case for Ponyville being worse.”
“But who’s doing what?”
Spike smirked, “I think I’ll leave that as a secret, but for now, I’ll see you guys next week.”
After saying their farewells, Spike made his way back home to the Castle of Friendship next door. As expected, the sun had already gone down but Ponyville was lighting their lampposts. It was at the time where most of the town was starting to go asleep that the windows were noticeably dark. Especially at the castle.
‘Huh, I guess Twilight must have gone to bed early.’ Spike thought as he drew near the double doors. Pushing one of them open, the crystalized palace was still, and the lights dimmed low. He didn’t hear anything as he closed the door behind him and started to make his way to his room. At first, all was peaceful as he went up the stairs, down the hall, and opened the door to his darkened room. But with a yawn, he reached for the switch that would turn on the light.
His heart nearly stopped when he saw Twilight with a frown stood in the center of the room.
“Geez Twilight!” Spike clenched a claw over his chest, “You almost gave me a heart attack!”
“Spike,” Twilight began, “not that I care much for what you do in your free time, but out of curiosity, where do you go on a Tuesday night?”
“Uh…” Spike’s eyes shifted, “Why?”
“Well outside of your guys night, your visits with Gabby and such, I’ve noticed that you don’t really talk about what you do on this particular day.”
“Oh,” Spike rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, I…” he looked around his room to figure out something plausible fast. His eyes laid on a box of his comic book collection. “I was at a comic book club. It’s like any other book club, but with comics.”
Twilight frowned, “At school or in town?” Spike blinked but didn’t answer. “You’ve just lied to me.”
“What! No I-”
“I’ve already checked. Remember, as Headmare, I have access to a complete list of official clubs at the school, including when and where it’s taken place, along with who’s in it. Not only that, but I’ve even checked town hall and they don’t have any clubs about comics either.”
Spike stepped back, “Y-You’re not mad at me, are you?”
Twilight took in a deep breath, “Not at you. But something tells me that someone has withheld a bit of information from me.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Is there a comedy club I don’t know about?”
Spike turned pale.
“Of course,” Twilight added, “I could be mistaken for all I know. However, there are just some things that have made me become suspicious as of late.”
“Such as…?”
“Well, that bit of conversation I’ve heard from Silverstream and Ocellus talking about making some arguments and they told me it’s for the debate club. I’ve checked – they’re not in it. Not only that, but I’ve also heard them say it’s for a comedy club which, again, I have no knowledge about being on school grounds. Then I’ve started to notice that a noticeable chunk of the students go missing on Tuesday nights, the exact same time that you disappear.
“So, I’ll ask again, where do you go?”
Spike was about to leave his room, but Twilight had used her magic to shut the door. He sighed, “You’re not going to leave me alone unless I talk, aren’t ya?” She nodded. Spike went over to his bed to sit on the edge of it, “But before I say anything, I need you to promise me to at least hear me out. That means no interrupting, jumping to conclusions, and no accusing that this is some huge conspiracy. Promise me not to do any of that, then you’d get the truth.”
Sighing, Twilight sat down on her haunches, “I’m listening.”
“Truth is, there is a literal underground comedy club that’s beneath the school. And the reason why no one has told you about it, is that the students are scared stiff that you might shut it down.”
This made Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Why?”
“Because of the whole, ‘All clubs must have some academic value,’ guidelines. The thing is, as much as what it turned into and the numerous times, I’ve told them that you wouldn’t mind, the students still want to keep it a secret. Because, as they feel it, this is the only time that they could finally cut loose from those rules that prevent them from being… course. And I don’t mean just using bad language here, I’m talking about finally putting in the open all the things that annoy, upset, or scares them – and give them an outlet to turn all that into jokes.”
“So, is it like a standup or…?”
“Eh… not quite. We figured the best way to tackle this stuff – is to put it on trial.”
“Like a mock trial?”
Spike nodded.
“Oh, so that explains Silverstream and Ocellus’s conversation. But I’m curious, who’s the judge in that?”
“Well…” he twirled his talons together, “You’re uh… looking at him.”
“You?”
“Yeah… the club agrees that I make a better judge than a ‘lawyer,’” Spike used his claws to make quotation marks in the air. “I just act like a somewhat short-tempered, snarky guy and it gets a laugh. Besides, they actually like the verdicts I give.”
“Huh… And the students, do they make their cases?”
“Oh yeah! Every week, a couple of them would do some research and then make their arguments before the club – as long as they put it in joke form, of course.”
Twilight hummed in thought. “That… sounds like a great idea.”
“Finally!” Spike flared his arms, “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell them!”
“I mean framed like that, it sounds like a club that requires critical thinking, having to form persuasive arguments, and do research on. It sounds like something I would approve.” A thoughtful look came on her, “Spike, is there another meeting next week?”
“Yeah? Why?”
“Because I want to observe this myself.”
A week later, the club members cheered as Spike, Yona, and Sandbar walked into the underground courtroom. As usual, Spike flew up to his high desk while the other two took their seats just below. Before he could bang on his gavel, however, he glanced upward to where the lights were. He could see Twilight’s shadow looming over, the only one in the whole room that was aware that the mare that could disband the club at any time was present. Yet, regardless of the metaphorical magical guillotine blade that hung above his head, the show must go on.
He banged on his gavel. “Order! Order! Shut up! Pipe down! Get a grip! Let’s get on with the show. The Underground Comedy Club is now open!” The members got quiet as the show has begun. “I’m Judge Spike and this is my courtroom. Where I put on trial all the things that want me to dive into the shallow end of an empty swimming pool.” This got a laugh from the students. “Tonight’s case: Prince Blueblood vs. Ponyville. Which is the Root of All Evil!?”
After the cheering died down, Spike continued. “But first, for those who were unfortunate enough to fall in through an interdimensional portal, here’s a brief summary for our contenders.
“Prince Blueblood is said to be the extremely distant and only living relative of Celestia. Residing at Canterlot Castle, the prince has gone through more servant staff in a few days than rolls of toilet paper. Arrogant, germaphobic, and has an ego so big that you can see it from space. Recently, the prince has undergone a religious experience and converts to a cult where it is rumored that he worships a giant golden sculpture – of himself.
“Ponyville, on the other hoof, was founded by the Apple Family, conveniently next door to one of the most dangerous, unstable, and unpredictable places in Equestria, the Everfree Forest. Over the years, the town has grown to a place where it has a million festivals per year, lovely scenery, and has gained the reputation of one of the most dangerous places to live due to the monster attacks every week. Nowadays, the town has become home to Princess Twilight, the School of Friendship, and the crystalized eyesore that I have to live in.
“So with that out of the way, here to contend that Prince Blueblood is the Root of All Evil is the secret evil genius – Sandbar!” Sandbar took a moment to stand, waving to the applauding audience before sitting back down. “And here to make the case that Ponyville is the Root of All Evil is the great skull hammer of truth – Yona!” This got applause as the Yak stood up to smile before sitting back down. “Begin with opening statements, Sandbar.”
“Thank you, Your Honor,” Sandbar got up to walk toward the audience. “So, uh… Your Honor… What am I doing here? It’s obvious that Blueblood is the Root of All Evil. You know it, I know it, all these guys know it.” There was agreement among the club members. “Let’s face it, if Blueblood wasn’t a prince that just happened to be related to the Royal Sisters, he would have been seen as this selfish, jobless, debt-ridden sociopath that if you had him in your family, you’d celebrate the day you kick him out of the basement. He’s the kind of dude where if he found out about the mirror pool, he would go there to make a copy of himself, just to make out with it.”
This got a laugh from the members, at that same moment, Spike nervously looked up to Twilight’s laughing silhouette. He sighed in relief before banging on his gavel to quiet everyone down.
“It should be noted, that while the Princesses Celestia, Luna, and recently Twilight have spent their money that goes towards things like charities, hospitals, libraries, schools, roads, farms, and the railroad; Blueblood had last year spent roughly half a million bits on beauty products alone. I’m not making that up! According to the receipts from the Equestrian Royal Treasury, Blueblood had spent thousands on rare fragrant shampoos. Well, at least it’s good to know that he gets his fashion and financial sense from Mare Antoinette.
“Not even his aunt who turned into Nightmare Moon could compare with her nephew who is – the Root of All Evil!”
The members applauded while Sandbar returned to his bench. Spike looked up towards the ceiling again, noticing that Twilight hadn’t moved. “Yona, what’s your deal with this town?”
Yona got up and made her way towards the club members. “Ponyville be Root of All Evil because it may look like lovey town, yet it be nothing but open insane asylum. What Yona mean? Not taking mind experiencing natural disasters every Tuesday, ponies that live here seem have split personalities. Years ago when Princess Luna first returned from moon, ponies were happy to see her back; four months later, they scream in terror, forgetting she reformed. They cannot make up mind, if outsiders speak to ponies, they will find ponies will change opinion five times in two minutes.”
This got a laugh. Even from Twilight above as Spike noticed.
“Yes, Blueblood selfish pony, but whole town that makes Discord look sane? If that doesn’t make place Root of All Evil, Yona doesn’t know what. Thank you.”
After Yona got her applause to where she sat back down on her bench, Spike banged on his gavel. “Okay, this is going to be a tough call, which is worse: a prince that’s so flamboyant that even gay stallions would tell him to tone it down, or a town that is the insanity capital of the world? Sandbar, make your case.”
Getting up, Sandbar walked over to the center of the chamber. “Prince Blueblood is the Root of All Evil because he’s living proof that chivalry is dead. Perhaps the best example is whenever anyone gets anywhere near him they end up traumatized. If you’re a mare, he’ll pretend that you didn’t exist unless you above god status, take all the comfy stuff for himself, expects you to take care of him as if you’re his mom, wouldn’t go anywhere near food that’s below a ten-star rating, and would use you as a shield if a cake was coming at him. If you’re a stallion... at best, standing next to him might risk sexual harassment just by saying hello to him.” The chamber burst into laughter, even Spike covered his mouth while he was laughing, quickly glancing up to see Twilight was doing the same thing.
“Now, I know my opponent may say that Ponyville is bad because the citizens there are insane. But it should be noted that Blueblood has such high standards for everything, that even Celestia doesn’t want to be near him. Who could blame her? Blueblood has taken being a perfectionist to new levels that we ordinary mortals could only imagine. Take the case of his Royal Apartments. It’s a place where he took the palace of Versailles and added more gold. And that’s no exaggeration, the walls there are literally covered from floor to ceiling in gold. It’s a place so overly decorated, so clashing with portraits of himself, has so many mirrors that even Hoity Toity told him that it's about time to come out of the closet.” This got the whole chamber roaring with laugher to where Spike just let them settle down before banging on his gavel.
“He also expects his staff of servants to have clockwork precision when doing anything. In fact, one of the Hoofcolts got fired because he poured the Prince’s tea one second before five o’clock. And a butler was let go because he gave him, one morning, a cup of coffee that had fifty-eight beans instead of fifty-nine by mistake. Not only that, but he once threw ink at his bodyguards' faces because he got him the wrong tone of blue ink. Even Twilight’s over obsessiveness would tell him to tone it down.”
“Then there’s his track record with mares. Of course, it’s true that Equestria doesn’t believe in the use of torture unless you happen to go on a date with him. Those who were unfortunate enough to spend a few minutes with him reported that not only would he brag about his so-called ‘accomplishments,’ but he never pays the bill. How is that even possible! The dude is richer than Faust, and yet he adopts the dine and dash approach?” The mares in the audience cheered at this. “But I know what some of you are thinking, ‘C’mon, Sandbar, Blueblood may have turned down every date he comes across, but maybe he’s trying to keep away gold-diggers like Spoiled Rich.’ I would agree with you if it weren’t for the fact that Rarity had gone out with him during one Grand Galloping Gala. This was a mare who had a hoof in defeating Nightmare Moon and save Equestria and even having the title of a national heroine. And yet, what’s his response? ‘Oooh, saving Equestria, how common! Why don’t you send a whole army out to risk their lives for you? It’s all the rage.’”
There was a loud applause from the club members as Sandbar returned to his bench.
“To be fair,” Spike said after they calmed down, “I think Twilight’s friends and I have done more to protect this country than the whole army put together. It’s kinda depressing when somewhat untrained citizens do a better job than the average guard can. Yona, what do you got?”
Standing up to face the club Yona walked over towards them. “So Blueblood nasty pony. But at least pony has something that Ponyville doesn’t – consistency. Yes, Blueblood may be terrible towards those who takes care of him, but at least he’s easier to figure out than this town. Yona stands that Ponyville Root of All Evil because one never knows what sort of mood it be. It also doesn’t help when ponies are easily swayed at drop of hat. One day, they could be panicked over new supervillain, the next they’d send out a welcoming party to greet swindling brothers. One would find them nice one minute and be super nasty the next if pony adjusted mane wrong.
“But Yona must be fair, given where Ponyville is, only insane ponies could live here. This town has been lightning rod to more natural disasters, invasions, monster attacks, supervillains, accidents, and crime than any other in Equestria. That’s why living here be so cheap because ponies more likely to get hurt than anywhere else in world. This comes from Yak that lives in avalanche country! Even Yak knows, that when so much happens in one place than battlefield, it’s divinity’s way of getting across important message – move.” This got a laugh out from the audience, to which Spike, smirking, banged on his gavel.
“Then, there location of town itself. Yes, Yakyakistan may be placed in Frozen North where avalanches happen daily as Yona say. But it be strange to ponies that Ponyville be placed here? To South, there Everfree Forest, it has more mood swings than Trixie. To East, Rambling Rock Ridge, home to Diamond Dogs that known for foalnapping ponies. To West, a mirror pool that if fall in wrong hooves, could create army. To North, Canterlot where Blueblood lives. No wonder why Ponyville magnet to monsters. Where it be dead center to unpredictable forest, foalnapping Diamond Dogs, an army factory, and aristocrats. Yona sees why Discord called Ponyville chaos capital of world. Thank you.”
The club members applauded as Yona sat back down on her bench.
Spike stood up. “Truth be told, I can’t really decide which is more wicked. A prince that Celestia wants to neglect, or a town that makes a lunatic asylum look like Canterlot. I’m going to need more details to sort this out in this – my Inquisition!” The audience cheered as Spike flew down from his high desk to the floor. He first turned to Sandbar. “So, you say that Blueblood is a bad prince because he treats his staff horribly?” Sandbar nodded. “I’ve heard that most of the Solar Guard actually like him.”
Sandbar scoffed, “If by liking him you mean that he pays them extra if they sleep with him. It’s kinda hard to dislike a guy that gives your only chance for release when you’re not allowed to in the guard’s barracks.”
“Pony speaks from experience?” Yona smirked.
The entire chamber erupted in Oh’s all around, it was so loud that Spike couldn’t call to order until they calmed down a minute later.
“Objection Your Honor,” Sandbar said, “that was uncalled for.”
“Sustained.” Spike now turned to the Yak. “Yona, what’s wrong about living here? Ponyville is a pretty fun place to live as it has all kinds of stuff that goes on all year long.”
“But Ponyville has too many festivals.” Yona insisted, “Most are pointless. In Yakyakistan, we dedicate certain days to important things: family, spring, smashing. In Ponyville, there be festival because it’s Monday.”
“Uh-huh, Sandbar!” Spike suddenly turned to him. “Blueblood is a good diplomat. We’ve avoided entire wars through his charm alone. He has landed a hoof in keeping Equestria safe.”
“Well of course he’s kept Equestria safe – by staying away from it. Yes, apart from Twilight, Blueblood has a better sort of relationship with creatures from around the world – but that’s telling when a pony like him would rather be with anyone else as long as they’re not a pony.”
“That I have to disagree,” Spike waved a talon at him. “Blueblood told me that he was going to borrow my first issue of Power Ponies years ago, and I still haven’t seen that comic since. Yona,” before he could ask his question, he was interrupted by the club’s laughter. “Now Yona, what about this School? If there is no Ponyville, there would be no School of Friendship. No School of Friendship means that you wouldn’t get to meet any of us.”
Yona raised an eyebrow. “So? Has Dragon noticed that few in Ponyville attended classes here? Except for faraway students, ponies in town tend to stay away.”
“Hey, wait a minute,” Sandbar leaned over, “what about me? I’m from here.”
“Sandbar saner, unlike rest of town.”
“Speaking of which,” Spike turned to Sandbar, “If Blueblood and the population of Ponyville were dropped on a desert island, who would eat who first?”
“Well, obviously Blueblood.” The pony answered. “He’s so evil, that if he resorted to cannibalism, he would most likely bring along his personal chef to cook up the residence and arrange them on silver plates.”
“Ha!” Yona interjected, “Pony wrong. Ponyville ponies so evil, they would cut Prince up before he could say ‘Me hungry.’”
This got a laugh from the club.
“And finally,” Spike said as he flew back up to his high desk, “for my final question. If I don’t stop this evil tonight, what’s gonna happen? Sandbar, present to us your Ripple of Evil.”
The chamber applauds loudly that their favorite part of the show is about to begin. Sandbar walked to the very center of the room as the lights dimmed and a spotlight illuminated him. He clears his throat.
“If Prince Blueblood isn’t stopped, he will eventually have an existential crisis when Twilight becomes the official ruler of Equestria. He’ll realize that the shiny throne and crown he was promised since birth isn’t gonna happen now that a younger immortal is on the throne. With no other way to gain power or manipulate his way in, the prince will be forced to launch a coup de taunt. But for him to do that, he would have to assemble an army. And for him to assemble an army, he would have to win their trust by prostituting himself. Oh no! Now he and his army had contracted pony aids where a good chunk of the Canterlot nobility drops dead. Without the nobility, Twilight has no one to delegate with. Finding that without any way of getting someone else to do a billion things at once, Equestria collapses. Then the survivors will face a pissed off Celestia, invading Seals, and gay zombies.”
After the applause died down, Spike remarked. “A pissed off Celestia, invading Seals, and gay zombies… I’d go see a movie that has all three. Yona, what will happen if Ponyville isn’t stopped?”
Sandbar traded places with Yona as she stepped into the spotlight. “Ponyville’s School of Friendship gains attention of creatures across world. Those outside of town will think school that town sprang from be utopia of order, harmony, and wisdom. However, when creatures come here, they see opposite of that. Where ponies elected a hayburger, Discord throws temper tantrum in street, and citizens making decisions so dumb that makes Snails smartest pony. Shocked by truth, creatures will return to home country, warning leaders not to trust ponies. This sparks world war, where instead being declared on Equestria, those leaders would go to war with Ponyville itself. To end this swiftly, they construct mother of all bombs drop on Ponyville, thus bring end of world. The only survivor in all of this will be Princess Luna, drifting through space, wondering why she bothered coming back at all.”
After Yona returned to her bench and the lights went up, the audience applauded to which Spike banged on his gavel. “Okay, now it’s time for Final Augments. Sandbar, you got anything to add?”
Standing up, Sandbar trotted over to the club members. “Although the Prince is related to Celestia and Luna, there is one thing that separates him from his aunts, Princess Cadence, her husband, or even Twilight – for they have something that he doesn’t: empathy. Even someone like Celestia who has been at the top of the food chain (so to speak) is great because she genuinely treats her subjects like equals. Meaning that she’s willing to work with ponies below her statues, earns respect with every creature she encounters. It’s even rumored that she knows the names of everyone in Canterlot Castle by heart. But not Blueblood. He seems to adopt the view that since he’s a prince, he sees there’s a pecking order that goes like this: You; the dirt; the worms inside of the dirt; stool; his stool; Celestia; then Blueblood. Something I think you should keep in mind when making your decision, Your Honor. Thank ya.” There was a polite applause when Sandbar sat back down on his bench.
Spike looked over to the Yak, “Good luck Yona.”
Yona got up to address her audience. “Yona can’t believe that Yona would have to pull this out; but until Twilight came to town, Ponyville had same attitude towards creatures as Neighsay. Up until very recently, ponies wouldn’t dare associate with anyone that wasn’t pony. But Yona can hear ponies say that things have are better now; there Griffons, Yaks, Hippogriffs, a few dragons, donkeys, and a Changeling. Curious, that even now, there no Zebra, Deer, or Buffalo that live in town. Not even bat ponies comes near. Even Zecora prefers to live in Everfree Forest than be near town. Yona not calling Ponyville spiciest but should be enough to raise eyebrow. Yona is done.”
After the applause for her died down and Yona returned to her seat, Spike banged on his gavel. “Alright, I’ve heard enough. It’s now time for my Final Verdict, or as I like to call it, the end of the show!” Spike looked up once more towards the ceiling. Now he could see Twilight’s face as if judging him for what he’s about to say next.
“Yona, I understand your grievances with Ponyville. Being the first dragon that lived here for a few years, I’ve had plenty of near-death experiences and have turned into a twenty-story monstrosity because I got greedy that one time. Sandbar, there’s no arguing that Prince Blueblood is so narcissistic that it makes Trixie look like a saint. Then again, Ponyville has been ground zero for all sorts of atrocities: Discord claiming it as the chaos capital of the world; the Golden Oaks Library being blown to pieces; Diamond Tiera being born. Blueblood treats mares like crap, while stallions like walking sex toys. Ponyville citizens can’t make up their minds if they want to be consistently nice, consistently mean, or consistently dumb. Blueblood may worship himself, but just existing in Ponyville is playing with fire.
“However, comparing to a town full of Looney Toons to a dick is absurd! Therefore, I rule that the Root of All Evil is – Ponyville!” Spike banged his gavel as the camber exploded with a mixture of cheers and boos among the audience. He continued to bang on his gavel until the room calmed down. “And I sentence the citizens of Ponyville to wash Prince Blueblood’s laundry for the rest of their days. My court is adjourned!”
With a final bang of his gavel, the show was over. But before Spike could get up, he burped out a firry scroll. While Sandbar and Yona shook hooves below him, he unrolled the note.
Spike, I want to ask you a favor when you’re done for the night. I want to tell you my thoughts on this club.
Spike held his nervous breath on the way back home. A couple of hours later since the mock-trial, and the dragon was almost too scared to return to the castle. He still didn’t let on to the others that the Headmare has found out about the club’s existence. If anything, he barely ate anything while he and the six students had their dinner, nor was there any decision made for the next trail. In fact, Spike had to excuse himself early in fear that they would catch that something might be wrong. Of course, he would need to get back to them to explain his behavior tomorrow. For now, however, he had to face Twilight’s verdict.
The Castle of Friendship had a light on. Spike knew that it was coming from Twilight’s bedroom, no doubt waiting for him to return to either approve of the secret club or that she will come in to disband it altogether. Naturally, the dragon feared the latter because of the consequences of betraying the student’s trust. So even before he reached the front door, he was trying to come up with a plan or at least some argument in case the worst does come to the worst.
With a heavy sigh, he pushed open the double doors.
“Spike, is that you?” Twilight’s voice was heard, echoing through the crystal halls.
Spike gulped. “Y-Yeah. Where are you?”
“In my room. Would you come here?”
Making his way up the staircase and down towards Twilight’s room, he almost imagined himself to be a prisoner on death row, walking towards his place of execution. With every footstep, he could practically hear the rhythm sneer-drum that accompanied his march towards a firing squad.
At the end of the hall, Twilight’s door was opened. Through it, Spike can see her on her bed with a quill pen and dozens of papers floating neatly in her aura. When he was close enough, Twilight looked up from her paperwork. “There you are Spike, come on in, I want to talk to you.”
Taking in a deep breath, he walked into the room. “So, uh… how’s the show?”
Putting the papers away, Twilight had Spike’s full attention. “For starters, I kinda see why the students wanted to keep this a secret. The sex jokes alone would be enough to give it a strike.”
Spike winced. “Somehow, I sense a but in that.”
She nodded, “But with that said, most of the stuff I heard from Sandbar and Yona were, for the most part, pretty accurate. Not all of it, but I can tell that these two have done their homework and presented it in a persuasive but funny way. The structure of the trial isn’t like any courtroom in the world, but to be fair, I don’t think it was supposed to be. Overall, the arguments presented were consistent, easy to follow, funny, and I saw that they were using some critical thinking skills. Personally, I would have tone down the sex jokes a bit, but with that said, I’m giving the club my seal of approval.”
A relieved sigh escaped from Spike’s lips. “Thank Celestia!” He put a claw over his chest. “I almost thought that you were going to force to close it.”
Twilight hopped out of bed. “I wished that I knew about this sooner. It’s a bit disheartening that no one dared to come to me. Yes, I did want the clubs at the school to have academic value, but from what I saw, it has all the skills that any creature would need to perform later in life. I didn’t mean to make it so unapproachable.”
“I think it’s just from the impression that the students got from that rule you put in that formed this secret club.”
“Well, still,” she smiled, “you actually did make a good judge.”
“Thanks.” Spike nodded before realizing something. “Hey, you said that you wanted to ask a favor from me?”
“Oh! I almost forgot. Did you come up with what you’re going to be doing next week?”
“Well…” Spike rubbed the back of his neck. “That’s the thing, I was so worried about the fate of the club that we didn’t get into what we’re doing next week. Why?”
Twilight smiled, “I want in.”
This caught Spike completely off guard. “Excuse me!”
“You heard me. I want in on this mock-trial thing. After all, I saw that it was fun and that doing so would give my skittish students my official seal of approval by taking part in it.”
“That…” Spike blinked. “I suppose that could work. Only I’m not sure if any of the other students would be willing to debate with you.”
“I think I could get someone else to do that.”
“Well… if you say so. But what are you going to argue about that’s the Root of All Evil?”
With a twinkle in her eye, Twilight smirked, “Oh I have something that will break the ice.”
No one knew what was going on. As far as the students were aware, a case was going to happen, only no one had any idea what it was going to be about nor whose doing it. Spike let on that it was going to be a surprise, much to the student’s confusion. He only reassured that there was one in the works, and he got new members to act as the lawyers for their case.
On that night when the students gathered underground in that crystal chamber, the six students who made their most recent cases sat in the very front row. Each hoped to get a closer look at these new members that will be coming in.
“It all seems a bit odd, don’t you think?” Ocellus inquired of her friends.
“Tell me about it,” Gallus looked at the door where Spike usually enters. “I thought new members are supposed to be around for a while before they make cases.”
“Did Spike change rule?” Yona asked.
“If he did,” Smolder folded her arms, “I’m shocked he didn’t bother to ask any of us.”
“Speaking of Spike not telling any of us,” Silverstream said, “Are you sure you guys didn’t catch what this week’s case is about?”
“I tried to talk to Spike,” Sandbar informed, “but every time I brought it up, he always changed the conversation. Like he’s deliberately trying to keep it a secret.” Then the doors opened and Spike in his powdered wig walked in, to which the members began to applaud. “I think we’re about to find out now.”
Spike gave a few waves before flying up to his high desk to sit on before banging on his gavel. “Order! Order! Settle down! Shut up! Let’s get started. The Underground Comedy Club is now open!” The members got quiet as the show has begun. “I’m Judge Spike and this is my courtroom. Where I put on trial all the things that make me understand why Fluttershy prefers animals to everything else. Tonight we have a very special case: Twilight Sparkle vs. Bronies. Which is the Root of All Evil!?”
Although there was some confusion, the audience did applaud politely.
“But first, as always, a quick summary for those who are not in the know. Twilight Sparkle has risen from your typical unicorn mage to a Goddess in training. She has accomplished many things in recent years from publishing a controversial book to saving Equestria more times than the military, spy agencies, and the entire diplomatic department combined. Although she has been a princess for a few years, she is expected to replace Celestia and Luna so she can finally fulfill her destiny that countless villains envy over – being the dictator of Equestria.
“Her contenders are a group of fans from another dimension. In a world that sees our reality as a cartoon for young fillies, it only makes sense that the majority of the fans are fully grown, adult males. It is a fanbase so big that it has become a noticeable subculture where it falls short of cult status – but only just. These fans from another world make head cannons of every creature they see, come up with a billion pieces of art for it, and lots of sexy fanfiction to write about.
“Here to make the case that Twilight Sparkle is the Root of All Evil, she’s the Harbinger of insanity and Equestria's future dictator – Twilight Sparkle!”
“What!” The entire chamber shouted in shock and frightened murmurs as the double doors swing open. All eyes were on Twilight in a suit and tie, complete with a briefcase. She walked confidently towards the nearest bench among the confusion of the students around her.
“And here to argue that Bronies are the Root of All Evil, he’s the unkempt bull in a china shop – Discord!”
The Ex-Lord of Chaos made his entrance through the ceiling where clouds suddenly parted and a choir of other Discords sang Discord’s praises while he in a black gown, a powdered wig, and a briefcase descended down towards the other bench. Upon sitting down, he noticed Twilight, “Nice briefcase,” he said opening his and pulling out a roll of sushi. “I’ll trade this for your over ripped banana.”
“Hey,” Spike leaned forward from his high desk, “you got any chocolate pudding in that? No? Well, let’s get this show on the road. Twilight, how about you go first?”
“Of course, Your Honor,” said Twilight, standing up and facing an audience that’s on edge. “I know what some of you are thinking. Why have I come here to argue before an underground comedy club that I’m the real Root of All Evil? Don’t I have better things to do such as grading papers, going on a reading binge, or plot my tyrannical brain to finalize the permanent enslavement of a whole nation? Yes, such things are indeed fun, but instead, I’ve decided that I should finally rise up and overthrow this beloved club in a blaze of glory. But in the tradition of every villain, before I do that, I’m going to give long speeches about friendship and how evil I am.” Out of this joke, there grew some nervous laughter.
“Sure, Equestria has seen plenty of villains over the years, have they? Nightmare Moon, my opponent, Chrysalis, Sombra, Starlight Glimmer, I could go on. Yes, they have done some pretty evil things. However, I can argue that none of them could hold a candle compared to me. Why? Because most of them were defeated by me. And if they were defeated by me, then imagine how powerful I truly am when crushing the hopes and dreams of these wannabe conquers. It’s the first step you see for my plan to take over the world – take out the competition.”
With a collective “Ooh!” from all around the room, to which Spike banged on his gavel.
“The very fact that I’m here at all should prove beyond a doubt that I truly am – the Root of All Evil!” The was a polite applause as Twilight returned to her bench.
Spike looked over to his friend, “Good luck, Discord.”
This modest but simple joke did get a laugh from the members as Discord stood up, adjusted his tie, and floated over towards the audience.
“Now, what my opponent says is indeed true – she’s secretly the villain in all of this. She may have turned me into stone, cast a child into Tartarus, and forgot Fluttershy’s birthday that one time. Yet, none of these crimes could be compared to the evil that is the Brony. What’s a Brony you innocent creatures may ask? Allow me to present to you all – exhibit A!”
Pointing upwards, a hologram of a two-legged, pale-skinned, somewhat overweight creature appeared before the club. There were sounds of confusion, terror, and laughter at the same time from seeing what the thing was wearing. Judging on the facial hair, they deduct this thing was a male with brown shorts, a sky-blue shirt with the blue eyes of a pony printed on it, a pair of fake blue wings on its back along with an obvious multi-colored wig completed with pointy ears.
“What you are seeing is a random Brony from the Universe: 1937492849502103-11-A. Do keep in mind, that not all Bronies look like… whatever this is. But what unites all of these so-called Bronies is that they see our world as a fictional place. A cartoon to be exact. This strange species look at the adventures, the lessons, and overall story and say with one collective voice – ‘Hey! Those two strangers should kiss.’” This managed to get a laugh from the members.
“The reason why Bronies are the Root of All Evil is that they take everything they see from our world way too seriously. Every time that something childish happens, they magically forget that this ‘show’ isn’t made for them! ‘How dare they make Discord McHandsome out of character in the last season! What were they thinking in giving this socially awkward weirdo a not-so-well-thought-out plan for Twilight! So unrealistic! What did they think they were writing this for? Little girls?’
“If you Bronies got offended by that joke, then it only proves that you are – the Root of All Evil!” Discord concluded to a noticeable louder applause from the audience before sitting down on his bench, whereby he made it float.
Spike hummed in thought, “Now this will be an interesting case: my master or a bunch of alien fanboys? Twilight, begin with your opening statement.”
Twilight stood up and trotted over towards the audience. “So, I’m competing against another species of fans. Did I mention the dictator thing?” This managed to get a chuckle out from the members. “Truth be told, there are plenty of reasons why I’m the Root of All Evil. For starters, have you ever noticed that despite my genius-level intellect, my pursuit of all knowledge, my experimentation; I seem to be an idiot when it comes to basic social interactions? I could tell you what Star Swirl’s second law of magic is by heart, what modern-day country Princess Platinum was born in, and how many cups of sugar that Celestia prefers to have in her tea. Yet, when it comes to things like say... two friends fighting during a sleep-over, I have to console the book: ‘A Guide to Friendship for Dummies.’” This, to her delight, managed to get a few laughs, she smiled at this before continuing.
“Then there’s my unhealthy tendency to give everycreature, even the worst of the worst, a whole lot of second chances. Now, don’t get me wrong, there are times when doing so can be beneficial. Yet, it has taken me a very long time to grasp that second chances should be given out – when warranted. Let me ask all of you, how many chances can you give someone when every time they keep screwing up their chance to be reform? Two? Three? Maybe five times? But not me! I give them all the chances. Sure, they may have destroyed homes, ruined crops, burned Equestria to the ground, messed up the time-space continuum, destroyed Canterlot Castle… again, but you know what, they should get a second chance! I’m the worst kind of evil where my attitude of doing the same thing in hopes of getting a different result, makes me the very definition of insane.
“And speaking of insanity, if you asked my friends they will tell you that they have invented a word for me where I would go over obsessive. Freaking out so much over something that’s objectively a small issue, that I would enter into a phase called ‘Twilighting.’ A perfect example of this behavior has legendary status here in Ponyville known as the Smarty Pants incident.” There were mummers from the members. “For those who don’t know, back at a time when I was sending letters to Princess Celestia, I was so worried that I had nothing to write about that I decided to make a friendship problem. And by that, I mean casting a Want-it-Need-it Spell on my old toy where everyone looking at it would instantly fall in love with it. Think about it, if I was able to do that over a friendship report, imagine what I might do when I become a dictator? Note to self: bomb Yakyakistan next Thursday.”
This managed to get some laughs as Twilight returned to her seat.
“Hey Discord,” Spike turned to the floating Discord that was on the ceiling, “what do you got?”
Drifting down towards the audience, Discord hummed in thought. “Bronies are the Root of All Evil because they take one good look at our world; with all its colorful characters, rich lessons, and fascinating cultures, then they ruin it. Let me explain how. In the world where Bronies live, some of the more talented animators have not only created short films that try to faithfully recreate our world perfectly; but they go one step further to demolish it. In one such film called Smile.exe, it shows Pinkie Pie, with an unusually wide smile on her face, who proceeds to brutally murder all her friends. Or in a film called Epic Rage Time: The Incredible Derp, where a Derpy Hooves goes into a rage after Carrot Cake sold the last muffin to destroy Ponyville. Or better yet, a masterpiece called: A Colt Classic, where our beloved Twilighting Twilight sacrifices Rainbow Dash soul to be eaten by the Sun God by burning her alive. Sheesh, these fans have a bigger grudge against ponies in general than my Ex.”
This got the audience to laugh loud enough for Spike to bang on his gavel.
“Speaking of murdering ponies, the Bronies patch of literature is no stranger to this. If this world had read even a portion of the fanfiction that they have made, we would declare war on them in a heartbeat. There are almost countless examples where every creature from Twilight to Spike, Gallus to Button Mash, and everyone else under the sun has at least one fanfic where they have been beaten, raped, murdered, shipped, and gender-swapped – sometimes all in the same chapter! Some of these writers have done unspeakable things with their keyboards that even ticked me off. I mean my human counterpart dating Celestia? What kind of degenerate would want to do that?” He inquired, sneering directly at the author.
“But one of the biggest reasons why Bronies are the Root of All Evil is because they made an abundance of… how do I put this? Pornographic film, literature, and fan art. Lots and lots of fan art. I know what you’re thinking, I’m literally going below the belt on this one. But no! Every day for almost ten years and counting, there has been at least one form of this naughty artwork posted. No ‘character’ is too young, no species is excluded, no type of relationship is restricted, and the acts that are depicted in some of these would make the Marquis de Sade kick himself for not thinking of it first.” The audience got a good laugh at this that even Spike couldn’t bear himself to bang on his gavel. “Personally, I’m still upset that none of these imaginative Bronies, with all the time on their hands, haven’t come up with me having breasts so big that it would break my spine and a well-endowed member that would reach from here to Saddle Arabia. Where’s my fantasy fanfic of that, huh writers?!”
After the audience applauded, Discord drifted over back to the bench where another Discord in a toga waves a palm leaf and feeds him grapes. Spike banged on his gavel to call to order. “Never have I encountered a case where I have to choose an evil genius or the fandom from Tartarus. The thought of choosing which of these is worst is enough to give me a migraine. For this, I’m gonna need some answers. So ready or not – here comes my Inquisition.”
With the cheers from the club members, Spike flew down from his high desk to the ground. He faced Twilight first. “So, you claim that your past mistakes are what makes you the Root of All Evil?” Twilight nodded, “But what about all the good you’ve done like… I don’t know… saving Equestria dozens of times?”
“To be fair, when that happened, I didn’t do it alone. I just give out my infamous Friendship lectures while my friends do all the heavy lifting.”
There was a confused mummer from all around the chamber, even Spike opened his mouth, only for nothing to come out of it for a while. He suddenly turned to Discord. “Hey Discord, surely these Bronies aren’t about destruction and debauchery. If these fans were inspired by our world, wouldn’t they also come up with some stuff that shows the appreciation in what we’re trying to accomplish?”
“Sometimes, yes,” Discord nodded, “there are some fans that create works that show the values of friendship. While at other times, some of them are keener on torture porn. In fact, did you know that one of the most well-known fanfics these Bronies have created is a tale called Cupcakes?”
Spike tilted his head, “What could be so bad about a pastry?”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Did I mention that it’s a story about Pinkie torturing Rainbow Dash under Sugar Cube corner until she ends up dead; and in one ending, she uses her flesh to be baked into cupcakes to be sold to ponies? No? Well, now you know.”
A queasy look came on Spike’s face, trying as hard as he could to keep his disgust from manifesting in his mouth. Swallowing, he turned back to Twilight. “Uh, Twilight, if these Bronies have written a fanfic about you, what do you suppose it would be about?”
Twilight hummed in thought, “Knowing how evil I am, I suppose my story would be about me experimenting on my friends until they either explode or something like that.”
“Objection, Your Honor,” Discord said suddenly, “there IS a story like that, and it’s called The Experiments of Twilight Sparkle.”
“I object too,” Twilight retorted, “Spike didn’t ask you about that.”
Spike looked between her and Discord, “For once, I’m gonna overrule that.” he turned to him, “Discord, I know that in most fandoms, they tend to make comics out of the shows or books they come across. From what I’ve seen, even from the Friendship Journal fandom, even they have made some interesting, funny comics. Are you saying that the Bronies would ruin this too?”
“Yes I am,” Discord nodded. “Oh boy, where in the multi-verse do I begin with this? Should I talk about the series Princess Molestia? Or how about the one comic series where a teenage Scootaloo gets pregnant, gives birth, and that foal is almost instantly taken away by a bunch of rotten rich ponies? Perhaps I could recall the one where the CMC - still foals mind you - prostitute themselves to get their cutie marks. Maybe I could recall the tale of how Luna, firmly believing that Pinkie Pie had killed Celestia practically burns her alive?”
Spike hummed in thought as he stepped towards the very center of the chamber. “One last question for both of you. If I don’t stop this evil tonight, what do you think is going to happen? Twilight, present to us your personal version of Tartarus in your Ripple of Evil.”
There was the loudest applause from the members as Spike flew back up to his high desk. The lights dimmed and a spotlight shone down to the center of the room.
Twilight stepped into the light to address them. “If everything goes according to plan when Celestia and Luna step down, I shall spring my diabolical plan to have every city, town, and village have at least one loudspeaker that will play my friendship lectors to the masses on loop. Slowly, they will be driven mad as they hear me go on and on with how friendship is worth fighting for, or how friendship could overcome anything, or that friendship friendship friendship friendship friendship, friendship, and friendship. This will eventually drive everypony out of their homes. But since they can't go anywhere without hearing my annoying lectures being played out, it would force them to move out of the country. Thus giving me all the excuses I would need to finally sell parts of Equestria to other creatures to move in the vacant homes and villages. Then I would play the speeches again, thus getting the creatures to try to sell their homes. But since all the real estate ponies have moved out, they would have no choice but to come to me. And thus, I will become the wealthiest pony in history.”
While Twilight spoke, there was genuine laughter from the audience as she spoke her absurd plan. By the time she stepped out from the spotlight, there were cheers from the members.
“Discord, you got anything that tops a dastardly real-estate plan?”
Floating in the spotlight Discord pulled on a cord and put a lit flashlight under his face.
“If nothing is done about the Bronies, eventually they will gain the desire to find some way to come to Equestria. They will hire the brightest minds to create a dimensional portal to our world. Soon hundreds of thousands of these Bronies would cross over, invading Equestria to show their fan art, get us to read their fanfictions, and sign their comics. When the ponies of Equestria get a good look at these less-than-flattering works, they will be both horrified and disgusted enough to unite all the armies in the world to declare war on the homeworld of the Bronies. Our magic and their science will collide in a bloodbath, the likes of which have never been seen before. In the end, the Equestrians will develop a bomb so destructive that it ends up destroying the entire multi-verse. Meanwhile, in another universe, someone is writing a fanfic about it.”
With the lights coming back on, Discord drifted over behind the tall desk while the members applauded politely.
Spike banged on his gavel a few times. “Now it’s time for you two to make your final arguments before I decide which is worse. Twilight, do you have anything else to share with the class?”
Humming in thought, Twilight got up from her bench, at first, she didn’t know what else to accuse herself of, that was until she looked at Spike that she got an idea. “Well, one of my greatest reasons for me being the Root of All Evil is because of the way that I have treated the Judge.”
This took Spike completely off guard. “Excuse me?”
“Think about it, you’re my adopted little brother, and yet I treat and insisted to call you my number one assistant. You tend to take the blunt whenever I lose my mind. You do the majority of chores while I read or reorganize the library. I had you learn how to read, write, and do these chores way younger than any normal foal would have at your age. That’s how evil I am, I have sacrificed the Judge’s foalhood and have him be my personal servant. If that is not evil, I don’t know what is.”
Spike’s mouth opened and closed for a minute, even after Twilight had sat back down. “Well…” he finally said, “you’re not wrong. Discord, you got anything else to add?”
“Just one,” he said drifting over the club members. “Bronies are the Root of All Evil because they also have an analyst community. Yes, these fans have their own critics that they look up to every time an episode is aired. If you thought those Gabby Gum’s articles were harsh, then listen to this portion of a real review of an incident involving Fluttershy assisting the bad guys of Daring Do.”
Pulling out a small but see-through scroll, he tapped on a few buttons and switches to show two still imagines of very angry ponies that no one in the audience has ever seen before. “On the left is a critic named Thespio, and on the right is one named Voice of Reason. Obviously, this review is edited, but what these two have to say about Fluttershy… well, I’ll let them speak.” Tapping once more, the scroll suddenly expanded to where it was big enough to see these critics up close.
The film began to play with a sudden close-up to a blue stallion with a brown mane, a red shirt, and a pair of masks as a cutie mark on the left. “Fluttershy, sweetie, you’ve grown so much over the course of the series. Sure, you’ve hit some bumps here and there, but you still grew. You’ve even shown you could be downright hilarious at times. And you’ve slowly become my third favorite mane six. But Holy Mother of God, your naivety was on such maximum overdrive it’s not even funny! Yes, your kindness can be a great strength, but you’re usually not this gullible! Not even with Discord and Keep Calm and Flutter On were you this quick to trust obvious villains! Also, you were there in Daring Don’t! You saw with your own eyes how Caballeron is obviously the bad guy! Rainbow Dash has actually been through a lot of these adventures alongside Daring Do in person! You have no bucking reason to not believe her!... Holy bucking Hell Fluttershy! What is wrong with you!? You were a flat-out dumbass in this episode! Sure, it’s important to know both sides of a story to reach a fair final judgment, but not when one side is spewing nothing but complete garbage that’s not worth listening to!... Why are you choosing to side with what’s clearly a smear campaign that one of your best friends you’ve known for years says that’s it’s all complete lies?!”
“And if that weren’t enough,” Discord said as he moved the film ahead somewhat. "Just listen to what this one has to say.” With a few more taps, the film now focused on the other pony of a light green coat with glasses and a scroll as a cutie mark. Another tap and the film plays again.
“We’ve mentioned before she’s an idiot for trusting Caballeron and his hench-ponies despite reading all the books and actually seeing for herself how bad these guys are back in Daring Don’t. Yet, there’s something else that, to my knowledge, hasn’t been talked about. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but It Ain’t Easy Being Breezy was a very important episode testing Fluttershy’s element of harmony… Fluttershy learned a very important moral about the dangers of being overly hospitable to where someone can abuse and take advantage of your kindness. This episode defenestrates that moral and thinks it’s a good idea to listen to why Sven Gallup is the way he is… You can’t just ignore continuity in order to fit the story you want to tell. Trust me, I wish I could ignore the events of No Second Prances and Yakety Sax myself. Now, if the story in question turned out really good in the end, I’d forgive some of the consistency hiccups like I did between Dark and Dawn. We didn’t get that here.”
Closing up the massive scroll back to its tiny former self, Discord put it behind his pocket.
“Imagine for a moment if Fluttershy herself heard that. I wouldn’t be shocked if these two ended up in Equestria, she would put out a restraining order for harassment, that she wouldn't allow either of them to come within five miles of her. But knowing her, she would get it after she floods her cottage with her own tears.”
There was a collective “Oooh!” all around the room, followed by a mutter of voices to the point where Spike had to bang on his gavel.
“Order! Order! I think I’ve heard enough. Let’s wrap this up in my Final Verdict.” Spike took in a long, calming breath. “To be blunt with all of you, out of all the cases I’ve heard since this club started, this one has to be the hardest decision I have to make. Twilight has plenty of things that most sensible creatures could complain about. Until recently, I only got a book on my birthday. Discord, I get your beef with this alien fandom, especially how they would take all this stuff that’s happening who-knows-how-far so seriously and personally. Even the Friendship Journal Fans didn’t go this far. At the same time, I do realize that I’m in a lose-lose situation. If I rule that Twilight is the Root of All Evil, she would ground me until the day I die. If I rule that these Bronies are the Root of All Evil, I might end up pissing them so much, that they would make that portal to impale me on a stick.
“So, therefore, the Root of All Evil is… Sven Gallup!” He declared, banging on his gavel.
“WHAT!” Both Twilight and Discord asked in surprise unison.
“Hey, it’s my courtroom, my rules. I sentence Sven Gallup to spend the rest of his life in a hut in Griffonstone, my court is abjured!” With a strike of the gavel, the show was brought to an end.
Unlike the other times in so many cases, Spike did not leave the chamber. He waited for that moment of truth after Twilight and Discord shook hooves. There was murmuring all around as the full lights went up, the tone in the dozens upon dozens of voices was unanimously uncertain of what was going to happen next.
Then, Twilight took center stage, her horn lit up for a brief moment, summoning a piece of parchment and a quill pen.
“Uh… Twilight?” Spike asked uncertainly, taking off the powdered wig, but she held a wing up as if to tell him to wait a moment as she finished this up.
She cleared her throat. “Everyone, may I have your attention, please? I have an important announcement to make.” Twilight waited for the voices and concerns to quiet down until she was certain that she had everyone’s consideration. “I have been made aware that due to the rules that I have set up for the clubs at the school, it has caused all of you to form this underground club. Yes, my intention was and is to officialize groups that would overall devote to academic purposes. By the looks of it, it seems that I have unintentionally frightened all of you into silence. Now, truthfully, I’m not against opinions, speech, or press on school grounds, as long as they are presented in a civil, yet harmless way. I understand that you formed this club to vent out the issues that other clubs wouldn’t allow. After taking part in this and seeing a previous session, I’ve come to understand both the appeal and its benefits. For all this, I owe every one of you my apology.
“So, I have made my decision. As Headmare of the School of Friendship, this club will not be hosted during school hours – but,” she quickly added, “as long as this club is hosted after school hours, and that the arguments made here are both civil yet, presented as satire. As long as it encourages students about persuasion and using critical thinking – then I give my stamp of approval.” After signing her signature on the document, she showed it to the members. “I hereby disband the secrecy, and officially declare that the Underground Comedy Club is now, open!”
The entire chamber erupted in the loudest cheers and applause that was heard that night. Students rushed the center stage to give their relived thanks to Twilight.
Upon the high desk, Spike let out a sigh of his own. Discord slithered up next to him.
“Between us,” Discord told him, “this was an interesting experience. You do this every week?”
“Yeah?” He nodded. “Why?”
“Well, I was just wondering if it’s possible to do this again? I can name a few other things that I’d like to uh… make my case about.”
Spike told him that he’ll consider it. For the moment, he knows that he has several things to explain to his friends. Still, looking out to the Chamber at the sheer joy that their club was not only any longer a secret, but even Twilight had approved of. From now on, they can finally say whatever they wanted outside of school hours. Spike briefly wondered what this will mean for the club’s future. If Twilight knew about it, would she get the other teachers involved? But for now, at least, the chamber was filled with rhapsodic relief.
