Student Six's - Root of All Evil

by CrackedInkWell

Discord vs. Las Pegasus

Underneath the School of Friendship on Tuesday after classes were let go for the day, the students one by one slip through the gilded cover in the Library for a secret club meeting. It is a club where not even the Headmare Twilight is aware of its existence – something that the members of said club liked to keep it that way. It wasn’t that the students couldn’t have made a club – but due to a rule that Twilight made: all clubs have to have some academic value.

It was the main reason why the club was formed.

There were other reasons too. A way to help unwind, a reliever of stress and anxiety, and then a brilliant way of turning the constant stream of bad news, upsetting characters, and policies that made no sense into catharsis. The way they did it – was to put it on trial. But all the members agreed that the only way to put the issues they have on their minds to be shared – is through jokes.

“This is gonna be good!” Spike rubbed his talons excitedly. Since the founding of the club, Spike took up the role of the judge with these mock trials. Sure, he could argue a case like any of them. However, the club saw it best as the referee. Stopping before a pair of doors, he turned around to Gallus and Smolder who were behind him. “So, you guys ready?”

“More than ready to rip Discord a new one,” Smolder said, cracking her knuckles.

“And I can’t wait to get the bad memories of my last vacation out,” Gallus smirked as he adjusted the black-tie he was wearing.

Spike looked down at his watch. “Well, good luck to both of you.” He shook both of their claws, and putting on a powdered wig, Spike opened the double doors.

The club itself was located in a vaulted dome chamber of glowing crystals and two floors of students that were eager for a show. In front of them was a tall desk with a gavel and two benches on either side. The three of them walked in, waving at the club members and taking their places.

Once they were in place, Spike started to bang his gavel. “Order! Order! Settle down! Shut up!” The chamber became quiet. “The Underground Comedy Club is now open! I’m Judge Spike and this is my courtroom. Where I put on trial all the things that scare me so much, that it makes whatever Nightmare Moon could come up with look like Whinnyland.” This got a laugh from the students. “Tonight’s case: Discord vs. Las Pegasus. Which is the Root of All Evil!?”

The students applauded.

“But first,” Spike said, “a little info for those who are not in the know. When Las Pegasus was found, it used to be a city of No's. No Families. No Clothes. And no chance of winning. Nowadays, Las Pegasus has evolved into a city of Yes's. Yes, you will get mugged. Yes, you’ll have to step over the foals in the strip clubs. And yes, you’re still going to lose.

“And in the other corner,” Spike continued, “is the one eldritch god that would easily give Lovecraft an aneurysm just by looking at him – Discord! The former villain turned kinda-sorta good guy, is known widely for his surreal powers, his strange references that no one gets, and having an army of shippers ready to defend to the death that he should be paired up with Fluttershy.

“So, with that out of the way, on with the trial!” The student audience cheered as the real show was about to begin. “Contending to make the case that Las Pegasus is the Root of All Evil is future con-artist to out con the Flim-Flam Brothers – Gallus!” The applause was heard as the blue Gryphon nodded and raised his claw. “And here to make the case that Discord is the Root of All Evil is the spewing orange volcano – Smolder!” The Dragoness did the same thing as the students cheered her. “Let’s get down to it. Gallus, you’re up.”

“Thank you, Your Honor,” Gallus smirked as he took center stage. “Once upon a time, Las Pegasus was founded by an organized group of mobsters, con-artists, disgruntled magicians, and underpaid pimps that got so tired of beating ponies out for their money that they built a town to trick stupid ponies into giving their bits willingly. It's a place where the casinos have free drinks, free buffets, and the house always wins! Frankly, it’s a model to swindle ponies out of their bits that the Griffons are still pissed off that they didn’t come up with it first.” This got a laugh out of the students, but he continued.

“Furthermore, Your Honor, Las Pegasus is maliciously brilliant! I mean when you go there, it promises the most spectacular shows, the finest restaurants on the planet, and all the prostitutes that would make any Ancient Pegasi Emperor drool over. However, they cleverly made the prices so expensive that you have no choice but to gamble towards the top to get that ticket. The casinos praise the myth that everyone is just one lucky chance away from becoming super-rich. That hope is every night beaten, raped on camera, and forced to make its death march through the desert before doing it all over again.

“Remember folks! What happens in Las Pegasus is – the Root of All Evil!”

The club members applauded to which Spike had to bang on his gavel a few times to ring them in. “Smolder, want to give it a go?”

“Gladly, Your Honor,” Smolder got up from her bench and addressed the club. “Yes, come to Las Pegasus. A place where the hotels are stereotypical and gaudy; filled with expensive, extravagant suites that rival Prince Blueblood’s bathroom; with enough blinding neon to give you a migraine, and has gambling that works against your favor… But where did they get the inspiration for that? They got it from Discord!

“Your Honor, this should be a no-brainer that Discord is the Root of All Evil because if he’s really a god of something, he’s the God of getting away with anything. Before his so-called ‘reformation’ by the Elements of Harmony, Discord was by all accounts a villain. Then after that, he still has the behaviors of a crazed loony toon where if anyone else tried to do what he did, they would have been turned to stone. This is exactly why when news of Discord’s latest screw-up that for the first time his fans got really angry at him. Really? Him grooming the Legion of Doom to be these powerful final bosses was what tipped them off? That event was what made them think that this was so unexpected, out-of-character, and out of nowhere of him? Because, yeah, when I think of an Ex-God of Chaos, madness, and surrealist paintings – oh yeah, I think of consistency.

“I will prove beyond a doubt that Discord is more than an Ex-Chaos God, he is – The Root of All Evil!”

The audience roared, much to the satisfaction of the Dragoness that sat down on her bench, smirking at Gallus as if to do one better.

Spike called out. “Now this will be interesting. Which is worst: City of Random or the God of Random References? Gallus, state your case.”

He nodded as he got up to face the crowd. “Las Pegasus is the worst kind of evil because it confuses you into bankruptcy. If you step inside a casino and play their games long enough, you’ll begin to notice that there are no windows or clocks. In fact, the only way to tell if it’s day or night is by the stamp on your Automatic Banking Machine receipt. Which, by the way, isn’t that great to have that new feature in a casino? In the old days, you would lose all the bits that you brought with you, now you’re able to lose all the money you have in the world!

“While we’re on the subject; outside of their casinos, we all agree that losing bits is pretty much the most painful experience you can have, right? But in Las Pegasus, as soon as you exchange your cold hard-earned bits for one of these… Exhibit A.” Out from underneath his wing, Gallus pulled out a single plastic chip. “They give you these cheap plastic chips that when you hold it – it doesn’t feel like money at all! I mean sure, this thing says it’s worth five-hundred bits, but darn it, they’re just so fun to throw around! Here you go, Your Honor!” Gallus tossed the plastic coin over to Spike in which he caught it.

“Woah! Hey!” Smolder stood up, “Objection Your Honor! That’s clearly bribery.”

Spike smirked, “I’m gonna allow it, crybaby.”

This got a laugh from the club members and a fuming dragoness who sat back down.

Gallus returned to face them. “What about the most famous phrase spoken about the city? We all know what I mean: ‘What happens in Las Pegasus…’”

“‘Stays in Las Pegasus.’” The club finished his sentence.

“Yet, is that true? Does that regardless of what you’ve done stays in that place? Sure, I may be bankrupt, caught fifteen different sexually transmitted diseases, committed murder, and burned several Flim-Flam Brother's owned hotel and casinos to the ground – why, that would make me a wanted criminal – in Las Pegasus. Ponies would love to believe that Las Pegasus is a law-free zone, but I’m sorry to tell you that the police over there can’t keep a secret to save their lives. I’ve checked. This is why the city of sin is worse than Discord – that for all his faults, at least the Chaos God doesn’t lie to you.”

The students applauded as Gallus took a bow before returning to his bench.

Spike turned over to Smolder, “So what do you got?”

Smolder stood up and walked over towards the club members. “Your Honor, Discord is the Root of All Evil because he’s a mad god, without a plan. One day, Mr. Nut Case would say, ‘I’m going to turn Ponyville into a stoner’s version of a Cheesecake Factory.’ The next he would go, ‘I’d like fruit baskets.’ I don’t have to be a shrink to say that Discord is the worst kind of lunatic – one that can manipulate reality to his liking. For example, take the time when Discord first came to town. Among the countless things he did, he made it rain chocolate, made Professor Rarity fall in love with a rock, and turned a random public toilet into a portal to Celestia’s bedroom.

“Furthermore, he has over the years grown a fanbase. Yes, there are those who like the antics of Mr. Cuckoo. Until recently, none of them mind all the stuff he did after he turned good. Which is really odd when you think about it. But when it came to the Grogar incident, they cried that he was going too far. Was he really? This is the same guy who denied he had anything to do with planting plunderseeds that grew into enormous black thorny vines that foalnapped the Princesses, yet he had the power to get rid of them whenever he wanted. The same guy who pretended to have the blue flu just because Twilight wasn't giving him enough attention. That he stabbed Equestria in the back by teaming up with Tirek for a while. Who invited the Smooze that almost digested the Grand Galloping Gala and was about to toss a pony into another dimension just because he was jealous. He nearly got the Judge and Big Mac hurt by turning Ogres & Oubliettes into the real thing. Nearly came close to breaking up Big Mac’s relationship with his future wife. Then he got frustrated with Starlight for not inviting him to teach at the school so he terrorized the students, nearly killed Yona twice while sending the Elements on a wild goose chase. Not only that, he tricked Professor Rainbow Dash into giving Fluttershy a winterchilla for Hearths Warming. Oh! And to top it all off, he brought back Sombra to teach our professors a lesson. Yet, even all of this, what did those fans say to all of that? ‘Oh Discord, he’s so funny like that!’ Wow imagine if Discord did something serious.”

There was a collective “Oohhh!” from the audience as they reacted to a burn that Smolder made.

Spike banged his gavel.

Smolder continued. “Before we move on, there’s one more reason why I believe Discord is the Root of All Evil. It's that if you think about it – despite being incredibly ancient, he’s kinda immature for his age. Scrap the powers that laugh at the laws of physics, and you’d get someone who makes short-sighted plans, has unexpected mood swings, gets jealous easily, wants to easily impress everyone, and is recently been told how he should behave… oh crap.” Smolder kicked, “Mares and Gentlecolts, we’re dealing with a God that’s going through puberty!”

This got a big laugh out of the club members before Smolder sat back down on her bench.

Spike allowed the laughter to subside a little before calling to order. “Now this is a difficult case. Which is more evil? An immature god or a trickster city? I don’t know about the rest of you, but I want answers. So ready or not, here comes the part of the show that I’d like to call – my Inquisition.”

Spike flew down from his towering desk to the ground, in between the two benches. He turned to Smolder first. “You know Smolder, I’m actually friends with Discord. We have a guy’s night every Saturday – are you implying that I’m evil too?”

“Oh no no, Your Honor,” Smolder shook her head, “I mean, not everyone on Sombra’s torture staff was evil.” This got a less than pleased reaction from the club. “C’mon, think about it, I’d bet the guy that waterboard the Slaves was probably a really great dad.” She said with a smile.

Spike blinked, “Your funeral. Gallus!” He turned to the griffon. “I’ve heard that Las Pegasus is the world capital of marriages. Couples like Starlight and Trixie had flocked over there to make their vows. How can that be a bad thing?”

“What? The quick and easy marriage chapels?” Gallus raised an eyebrow. “Your Honor, marriage tends to come about with plenty of planning, foresight, and that a couple is capable of being... well, a couple. That’s why it takes forever to plan one. But in Las Pegasus, you could get married on the basics that you had beer goggles on. Then the next thing you know, you wake up married with a stranger while your mother is busy digging your grave.”

“Uh-huh, Smolder,” Spike turned to her, “if I recall correctly; Discord has his fair share of saving Equestria too. How could saving Equestria be evil?”

Smolder scoffed, “Oh please, Your Honor, except us that one time, it was the Elements of Harmony or ponies that did the heavy lifting. But even with the second time Queen Chrysalis tried to invade, he only did the bare minimum by simply hanging around. Maybe instead of that friendship metal, they should have given him a participation trophy. Then again, how many times has he put Equestria in danger again?”

Spike thought for a moment, “Smolder, what would happen if Discord took over Las Pegasus?”

“Easy, he would convert the hotel rooms into lava lamps; have all the plastic chips spared wings and fly; and he would cast the Flim-Flam Brothers to juggle seals, lounge chairs, and corn cobs in Cirque du Soleil.”

“Correct!” he turned to the griffon, “Gallus, what would happen if Discord visited Las Pegasus?”

“If he went at night,” he answered, “Discord would simply melt in the intensity of the bright hot neon while the tourists loot his oversized wallet.”

“Also correct!” Spike flew back on top of his towering desk. “And now for the final question for the both of you. If these evils are left unchecked, what can I expect for the future children that I’m not going to have? Gallus, predict the future in your – Ripple of Evil!”

The club members applauded as the lights dimmed and a spotlight from above showed down in the center of the room. To which, the griffon stepped into.

“If tourists continued to come to Las Pegasus, then that would mean that Cirque du Soleil will be forced to create ever more spectacular and elaborate shows. Eventually, the circus will have to recruit more from the acrobatic loving countries of the former Griffon Kingdom. They will see the extravagances of the city that will fill them with rage to the point that they will form an army of contorting, flexible, and elastic troops that will engulf Equestria and eventually the world in a graceful ballet of violence. But that wouldn’t be enough! When the world is theirs, they will then force every stallion, mare, and foal to take part in a colossal equine tower that would reach up into the heavens to reach their ultimate goal – to climb up and foalnap Faust!”

The audience laughed as Gallus stepped out of the spotlight.

Spike gave a low whistle, “Hey Smolder, how can you top foalnapping Faust?”

The Dragoness stepped forward into the spotlight, her arms behind her back, addressing the audience. “If the evils of Discord aren’t called out enough, eventually the wack-job will get bored of being nice all the time and would eventually test to see how much he could get away with. Next thing you know, he’ll go into an art gallery and would think that it’ll be funny if all the weird, nightmarish images in modern art were to interact with reality. Suddenly Equestria is overwhelmed by blocks of color that rob banks, trash sculptors that demolish monuments to make itself grow, and Yoko Ohno’s albums will hit number one in the listening charts. It will get so bad, that not even the Elements could do anything about it as they are attacked and sneered in pollock paints. Oh well, at least Discord didn’t do anything serious.”

With the club members applauding that burn, Smolder returned to her seat as the lights in the room went back up.

“Alright, alright,” Spike banged on his gavel a few times, “let’s hear out final arguments before I make a verdict. Gallus, you got anything to add to this freak show?”

“Gladly,” Gallus stood up and flew up a little so all could see him. “You know, talking about how evil Las Pegasus is just making me want to go there. It’s only a balloon ride away you guys, so c’mon, let’s go! I’ve got coupons for the Stable Buck, flanks slaps on me!” This got a wild cheer out of the audience.

When it died down, Spike asked, “Gallus, you pay for those slaps?” Gallus shrugged. “Smolder, you wanna give your closing statement.”

Smolder got up, stood in the center of the room, cleared her throat, and pointed at herself. “Winner.” And sat back down.

Once the laughter had settled down, Spike banged his gavel twice. “Now for my Final Verdict. Just... wow, what can I say here? Las Pegasus is a place so gaudy that just looking at it is enough to make your eyes melt. Then again Discord only wishes he could be like that. However, Discord is a lovable but immature being with powers to make me alter anything I say or do just without me realizing it. Then again, Las Pegasus tricks you into losing while Discord brags to you upfront about it. Discord makes reality interesting while Las Pegasus takes the world’s greatest monuments and demotes them to miniature golf status.

“I’ve made up my mind! The Root of All Evil – is Las Pegasus!”

“Yes!” Gallus jumped in the air while Smolder sat there looking disgruntled.

At that moment, there was a mixed response from the club members. Some were cheering while others booed. Yet Spike called to order as he banged his gavel several times.

“I sentence the city of Las Pegasus to the biggest losing gambling streak in its history: try to survive five minutes at a tea party at Discord’s home dimension without vomiting. My court is adjourned!” With a final, loud and sharp bang of the gavel, the show came to a close. Spike got down from his desk as the club members applauded while Gallus and Smolder shook claws.

---

An hour later in the student’s lounge, it was dinner time. Six students plus Spike sat around a round table digging into Neighponese food. “Hey Spike,” Ocellus inquired, “mind if I ask you something?”

“Yeah?” Spike looked up, slurping a straying noodle.

“So what made you rule against Smolder’s argument? I thought she did pretty good with what she got.”

“Partly because Discord is my friend. But partly because Smolder was right about one thing.”

This got the Dragoness’s attention. “Yeah? What’s that?”

“He’s easily jealous and has the emotional maturity of a four-year-old. I know that’s cruel to say that coming from me. But then again, if he found out about the club and that I ruled that he’s the Root of All Evil, well… let’s just say he’s scary when angry.”

Smolder snorted, “At least I got what I wanted to say off my mind.”

“I take it you’re still angry at him for almost killing Yona twice.”

She squinted, “Among other things.”

The students fell silent for a minute, each tending to their meals. That was until Spike thought of something. “So remind me again why we can’t tell Twilight about the club?”

This received several puzzled looks from the students.

“Well for one,” Gallus answered, “clubs at the school aren’t official if they had some academic value. Books, theaters, magic, all of that are just stuff that they extend further on in class. But comedy? Especially when we can freely talk about whatever issues we wanted without offending anyone. I mean, considering that one when we put Rainbow Dash on trial two weeks ago, you don’t think that Twilight is going to let that fly?”

“I know, but hear me out,” Spike raised a claw. “After being a judge for the past month, I’d say that the game, this mock trial thing we’ve been doing, does have a lot of academic stuff that even Twilight would approve of. It has critical thinking, making persuasive arguments, and the system is kinda how courts are like - just with jokes so it’s not taken seriously.”

“Uh… I don’t know…” Silverstream rubbed her arm. “If she knew what kind of stuff we’ve been making fun of down there, do you think she would still allow it? Honestly? I mean, Sex Ed vs. Pinkie Pie alone would have given her a conniption.”

“Or the Twilight vs. Griffionstone case,” Sandbar pointed out, “yeah, if she heard what any of us had said about her… I wouldn’t be surprised if that would get us expelled.”

“But none of you know that,” Spike said. “For all you know, maybe she would laugh along at the jokes. Even when we’re making fun of her friends.”

“Are you sure that’s a risk worth taking?” Ocellus questioned.

“What about next case?” Yona inquired after munching on a dumpling. “None of us decided yet.”

Spike sighed, “Okay, we’ll deal with this later. For now, are there any suggestions on what we could do?”

“Yona thinks to put Neighsay on trial.” Yona raised a hoof.

“I’d go with Hearts and Hooves Day,” Ocellus suggested.

“Really?” This got Smolder’s attention, “Why would that be the Root of All Evil?”

“Because it’s turned into a joke holiday that no one takes seriously. Not to mention cruel on those who happen to be single.”

“Speaking from experience, are we?”

Ocellus folded her forelegs, “Shut up.”

“Anyone else?” Spike asked.

“What about that one manager that used to work for Coloratura?” Sandbar suggested, “I’ve heard he was horrible, but… what’s his name?”

“Svengallop,” Spike answered, “And yes, that guy should be on trial one of these days. Anything else?”

“How about Cozy Glow?” Smolder asked, “That should be a sure win argument there?”

Silverstream raised a claw, “Is it possible to put a season on trial?”

“Which season?” Spike asked.

“Winter.”

“That’ll be interesting. But I guess at this point that all of you got a lot of ideas already?” They nodded. “Here, I’ll tell you what? Why not you all write up some suggestions and put them in a hat. Then whichever gets pulled out, that will be the next case for next week.”

After pulling out some paper, the six students wrote down their suggestions before folding them up and, upon noticing that there was a lack of a hat around, Ocellus turned into a tophat just so Spike could jumble the suggestions in.

“And the next case will be…” pulling two slips of paper, he opened them up before cocking an eyebrow. “Well… this ought to be interesting. So who wants to do the trial next week?”

Ocellus flashed back to her original form, the other suggestions falling to the ground. “I’ll do it!”

“Me too!” Silverstream smiled. “So what are we doing?”

Spike handed the slips of paper over to them. They blinked and looked at the other suggestion.

“I’ll give it this,” Ocellus commented, “it can’t get any more random than this.”

Comments

[Darkonshadows]

I agree, Las Pegasus is more evil than DIscord.

Discord has no true capacity for evil, because he's chaos incarnate. To be a being of true chaos, he can never commit to acts of outright good or evil and can never really fully pick a side. He tends to teach good lessons more often than not in a chaotic neutral manner and never actually physically harms anyone outright.

Las Pegasus is a place where they have quantifiable numbers of evil actions happening daily with consistency.

Discord can make plans, but he can't perfectly control the chaos he causes. If he could, then it wouldn't actually chaos. His powers are based entirely about not repeating any given action or plan in a day. He can do things to create chaos, but he can't fully control it. Any form of control over his own actions would imply that he's not actually a being of chaos. If he doesn't control his own actions, then he can't choose to be evil.

[dj-pon3fan]

I can tell this is going to be fun to read.

[OmniFox]

Spike and the Student Six forming a club sounds like an anime that I've seen before.

[SpikeSmolder fan]

Ok this was a fun read, Spike & the Young Six made for a funny combo here!

Looking forward to the next case!