Student Six's - Root of All Evil

by CrackedInkWell

Prince Blueblood vs. Ponyville

“I'd think that was a good case,” Spike said, taking off the powdered wig with Silverstream and Ocellus by his side as they walked back to the surface.

“For a moment, I thought Ocellus was going to win,” Silverstream replied. “She had put a lot into her research and books while I had only notes.”

“Still,” Ocellus commented, “I’m not disappointed. From what I could tell, the other club members seemed to agree with what I was saying. That, and your verdict did have a fair point.”

At this point, the three of them climbed up towards the gilded air duct to push it aside. Spike poked his head through, looked around at the library to make sure no one else was around.

“All clear,” Spike told them as he, Silverstream, and Ocellus climbed out.

After all, three were out of the catacombs, they dragged the plating back into its place.

“So since you’re here,” Silverstream inquired, “I know that it’s going to be Sandbar and Yona’s turn. Do you know what they’re doing next week?”

“It’s going to be one of those weird ones,” Spike said, going over to one of the paintings to open a hidden compartment before tossing his wig in. “At least, more than usual.”

“What is it?” Ocellus asked.

“Prince Blueblood vs. Ponyville.” After closing the compartment, he turned to them, “Blueblood, I get it – frankly I’m surprised we haven’t put him on trial yet. But I also want to see how anyone could make a case for Ponyville being worse.”

“But who’s doing what?”

Spike smirked, “I think I’ll leave that as a secret, but for now, I’ll see you guys next week.”

After saying their farewells, Spike made his way back home to the Castle of Friendship next door. As expected, the sun had already gone down but Ponyville was lighting their lampposts. It was at the time where most of the town was starting to go asleep that the windows were noticeably dark. Especially at the castle.

‘Huh, I guess Twilight must have gone to bed early.’ Spike thought as he drew near the double doors. Pushing one of them open, the crystalized palace was still, and the lights dimmed low. He didn’t hear anything as he closed the door behind him and started to make his way to his room. At first, all was peaceful as he went up the stairs, down the hall, and opened the door to his darkened room. But with a yawn, he reached for the switch that would turn on the light.

His heart nearly stopped when he saw Twilight with a frown stood in the center of the room.

“Geez Twilight!” Spike clenched a claw over his chest, “You almost gave me a heart attack!”

“Spike,” Twilight began, “not that I care much for what you do in your free time, but out of curiosity, where do you go on a Tuesday night?”

“Uh…” Spike’s eyes shifted, “Why?”

“Well outside of your guys night, your visits with Gabby and such, I’ve noticed that you don’t really talk about what you do on this particular day.”

“Oh,” Spike rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, I…” he looked around his room to figure out something plausible fast. His eyes laid on a box of his comic book collection. “I was at a comic book club. It’s like any other book club, but with comics.”

Twilight frowned, “At school or in town?” Spike blinked but didn’t answer. “You’ve just lied to me.”

“What! No I-”

“I’ve already checked. Remember, as Headmare, I have access to a complete list of official clubs at the school, including when and where it’s taken place, along with who’s in it. Not only that, but I’ve even checked town hall and they don’t have any clubs about comics either.”

Spike stepped back, “Y-You’re not mad at me, are you?”

Twilight took in a deep breath, “Not at you. But something tells me that someone has withheld a bit of information from me.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Is there a comedy club I don’t know about?”

Spike turned pale.

“Of course,” Twilight added, “I could be mistaken for all I know. However, there are just some things that have made me become suspicious as of late.”

“Such as…?”

“Well, that bit of conversation I’ve heard from Silverstream and Ocellus talking about making some arguments and they told me it’s for the debate club. I’ve checked – they’re not in it. Not only that, but I’ve also heard them say it’s for a comedy club which, again, I have no knowledge about being on school grounds. Then I’ve started to notice that a noticeable chunk of the students go missing on Tuesday nights, the exact same time that you disappear.

“So, I’ll ask again, where do you go?”

Spike was about to leave his room, but Twilight had used her magic to shut the door. He sighed, “You’re not going to leave me alone unless I talk, aren’t ya?” She nodded. Spike went over to his bed to sit on the edge of it, “But before I say anything, I need you to promise me to at least hear me out. That means no interrupting, jumping to conclusions, and no accusing that this is some huge conspiracy. Promise me not to do any of that, then you’d get the truth.”

Sighing, Twilight sat down on her haunches, “I’m listening.”

“Truth is, there is a literal underground comedy club that’s beneath the school. And the reason why no one has told you about it, is that the students are scared stiff that you might shut it down.”

This made Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

“Because of the whole, ‘All clubs must have some academic value,’ guidelines. The thing is, as much as what it turned into and the numerous times, I’ve told them that you wouldn’t mind, the students still want to keep it a secret. Because, as they feel it, this is the only time that they could finally cut loose from those rules that prevent them from being… course. And I don’t mean just using bad language here, I’m talking about finally putting in the open all the things that annoy, upset, or scares them – and give them an outlet to turn all that into jokes.”

“So, is it like a standup or…?”

“Eh… not quite. We figured the best way to tackle this stuff – is to put it on trial.”

“Like a mock trial?”

Spike nodded.

“Oh, so that explains Silverstream and Ocellus’s conversation. But I’m curious, who’s the judge in that?”

“Well…” he twirled his talons together, “You’re uh… looking at him.”

“You?”

“Yeah… the club agrees that I make a better judge than a ‘lawyer,’” Spike used his claws to make quotation marks in the air. “I just act like a somewhat short-tempered, snarky guy and it gets a laugh. Besides, they actually like the verdicts I give.”

“Huh… And the students, do they make their cases?”

“Oh yeah! Every week, a couple of them would do some research and then make their arguments before the club – as long as they put it in joke form, of course.”

Twilight hummed in thought. “That… sounds like a great idea.”

“Finally!” Spike flared his arms, “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell them!”

“I mean framed like that, it sounds like a club that requires critical thinking, having to form persuasive arguments, and do research on. It sounds like something I would approve.” A thoughtful look came on her, “Spike, is there another meeting next week?”

“Yeah? Why?”

“Because I want to observe this myself.”

---

A week later, the club members cheered as Spike, Yona, and Sandbar walked into the underground courtroom. As usual, Spike flew up to his high desk while the other two took their seats just below. Before he could bang on his gavel, however, he glanced upward to where the lights were. He could see Twilight’s shadow looming over, the only one in the whole room that was aware that the mare that could disband the club at any time was present. Yet, regardless of the metaphorical magical guillotine blade that hung above his head, the show must go on.

He banged on his gavel. “Order! Order! Shut up! Pipe down! Get a grip! Let’s get on with the show. The Underground Comedy Club is now open!” The members got quiet as the show has begun. “I’m Judge Spike and this is my courtroom. Where I put on trial all the things that want me to dive into the shallow end of an empty swimming pool.” This got a laugh from the students. “Tonight’s case: Prince Blueblood vs. Ponyville. Which is the Root of All Evil!?”

After the cheering died down, Spike continued. “But first, for those who were unfortunate enough to fall in through an interdimensional portal, here’s a brief summary for our contenders.

“Prince Blueblood is said to be the extremely distant and only living relative of Celestia. Residing at Canterlot Castle, the prince has gone through more servant staff in a few days than rolls of toilet paper. Arrogant, germaphobic, and has an ego so big that you can see it from space. Recently, the prince has undergone a religious experience and converts to a cult where it is rumored that he worships a giant golden sculpture – of himself.

“Ponyville, on the other hoof, was founded by the Apple Family, conveniently next door to one of the most dangerous, unstable, and unpredictable places in Equestria, the Everfree Forest. Over the years, the town has grown to a place where it has a million festivals per year, lovely scenery, and has gained the reputation of one of the most dangerous places to live due to the monster attacks every week. Nowadays, the town has become home to Princess Twilight, the School of Friendship, and the crystalized eyesore that I have to live in.

“So with that out of the way, here to contend that Prince Blueblood is the Root of All Evil is the secret evil genius – Sandbar!” Sandbar took a moment to stand, waving to the applauding audience before sitting back down. “And here to make the case that Ponyville is the Root of All Evil is the great skull hammer of truth – Yona!” This got applause as the Yak stood up to smile before sitting back down. “Begin with opening statements, Sandbar.”

“Thank you, Your Honor,” Sandbar got up to walk toward the audience. “So, uh… Your Honor… What am I doing here? It’s obvious that Blueblood is the Root of All Evil. You know it, I know it, all these guys know it.” There was agreement among the club members. “Let’s face it, if Blueblood wasn’t a prince that just happened to be related to the Royal Sisters, he would have been seen as this selfish, jobless, debt-ridden sociopath that if you had him in your family, you’d celebrate the day you kick him out of the basement. He’s the kind of dude where if he found out about the mirror pool, he would go there to make a copy of himself, just to make out with it.”

This got a laugh from the members, at that same moment, Spike nervously looked up to Twilight’s laughing silhouette. He sighed in relief before banging on his gavel to quiet everyone down.

“It should be noted, that while the Princesses Celestia, Luna, and recently Twilight have spent their money that goes towards things like charities, hospitals, libraries, schools, roads, farms, and the railroad; Blueblood had last year spent roughly half a million bits on beauty products alone. I’m not making that up! According to the receipts from the Equestrian Royal Treasury, Blueblood had spent thousands on rare fragrant shampoos. Well, at least it’s good to know that he gets his fashion and financial sense from Mare Antoinette.

“Not even his aunt who turned into Nightmare Moon could compare with her nephew who is – the Root of All Evil!”

The members applauded while Sandbar returned to his bench. Spike looked up towards the ceiling again, noticing that Twilight hadn’t moved. “Yona, what’s your deal with this town?”

Yona got up and made her way towards the club members. “Ponyville be Root of All Evil because it may look like lovey town, yet it be nothing but open insane asylum. What Yona mean? Not taking mind experiencing natural disasters every Tuesday, ponies that live here seem have split personalities. Years ago when Princess Luna first returned from moon, ponies were happy to see her back; four months later, they scream in terror, forgetting she reformed. They cannot make up mind, if outsiders speak to ponies, they will find ponies will change opinion five times in two minutes.”

This got a laugh. Even from Twilight above as Spike noticed.

“Yes, Blueblood selfish pony, but whole town that makes Discord look sane? If that doesn’t make place Root of All Evil, Yona doesn’t know what. Thank you.”

After Yona got her applause to where she sat back down on her bench, Spike banged on his gavel. “Okay, this is going to be a tough call, which is worse: a prince that’s so flamboyant that even gay stallions would tell him to tone it down, or a town that is the insanity capital of the world? Sandbar, make your case.”

Getting up, Sandbar walked over to the center of the chamber. “Prince Blueblood is the Root of All Evil because he’s living proof that chivalry is dead. Perhaps the best example is whenever anyone gets anywhere near him they end up traumatized. If you’re a mare, he’ll pretend that you didn’t exist unless you above god status, take all the comfy stuff for himself, expects you to take care of him as if you’re his mom, wouldn’t go anywhere near food that’s below a ten-star rating, and would use you as a shield if a cake was coming at him. If you’re a stallion... at best, standing next to him might risk sexual harassment just by saying hello to him.” The chamber burst into laughter, even Spike covered his mouth while he was laughing, quickly glancing up to see Twilight was doing the same thing.

“Now, I know my opponent may say that Ponyville is bad because the citizens there are insane. But it should be noted that Blueblood has such high standards for everything, that even Celestia doesn’t want to be near him. Who could blame her? Blueblood has taken being a perfectionist to new levels that we ordinary mortals could only imagine. Take the case of his Royal Apartments. It’s a place where he took the palace of Versailles and added more gold. And that’s no exaggeration, the walls there are literally covered from floor to ceiling in gold. It’s a place so overly decorated, so clashing with portraits of himself, has so many mirrors that even Hoity Toity told him that it's about time to come out of the closet.” This got the whole chamber roaring with laugher to where Spike just let them settle down before banging on his gavel.

“He also expects his staff of servants to have clockwork precision when doing anything. In fact, one of the Hoofcolts got fired because he poured the Prince’s tea one second before five o’clock. And a butler was let go because he gave him, one morning, a cup of coffee that had fifty-eight beans instead of fifty-nine by mistake. Not only that, but he once threw ink at his bodyguards' faces because he got him the wrong tone of blue ink. Even Twilight’s over obsessiveness would tell him to tone it down.”

“Then there’s his track record with mares. Of course, it’s true that Equestria doesn’t believe in the use of torture unless you happen to go on a date with him. Those who were unfortunate enough to spend a few minutes with him reported that not only would he brag about his so-called ‘accomplishments,’ but he never pays the bill. How is that even possible! The dude is richer than Faust, and yet he adopts the dine and dash approach?” The mares in the audience cheered at this. “But I know what some of you are thinking, ‘C’mon, Sandbar, Blueblood may have turned down every date he comes across, but maybe he’s trying to keep away gold-diggers like Spoiled Rich.’ I would agree with you if it weren’t for the fact that Rarity had gone out with him during one Grand Galloping Gala. This was a mare who had a hoof in defeating Nightmare Moon and save Equestria and even having the title of a national heroine. And yet, what’s his response? ‘Oooh, saving Equestria, how common! Why don’t you send a whole army out to risk their lives for you? It’s all the rage.’”

There was a loud applause from the club members as Sandbar returned to his bench.

“To be fair,” Spike said after they calmed down, “I think Twilight’s friends and I have done more to protect this country than the whole army put together. It’s kinda depressing when somewhat untrained citizens do a better job than the average guard can. Yona, what do you got?”

Standing up to face the club Yona walked over towards them. “So Blueblood nasty pony. But at least pony has something that Ponyville doesn’t – consistency. Yes, Blueblood may be terrible towards those who takes care of him, but at least he’s easier to figure out than this town. Yona stands that Ponyville Root of All Evil because one never knows what sort of mood it be. It also doesn’t help when ponies are easily swayed at drop of hat. One day, they could be panicked over new supervillain, the next they’d send out a welcoming party to greet swindling brothers. One would find them nice one minute and be super nasty the next if pony adjusted mane wrong.

“But Yona must be fair, given where Ponyville is, only insane ponies could live here. This town has been lightning rod to more natural disasters, invasions, monster attacks, supervillains, accidents, and crime than any other in Equestria. That’s why living here be so cheap because ponies more likely to get hurt than anywhere else in world. This comes from Yak that lives in avalanche country! Even Yak knows, that when so much happens in one place than battlefield, it’s divinity’s way of getting across important message – move.” This got a laugh out from the audience, to which Spike, smirking, banged on his gavel.

“Then, there location of town itself. Yes, Yakyakistan may be placed in Frozen North where avalanches happen daily as Yona say. But it be strange to ponies that Ponyville be placed here? To South, there Everfree Forest, it has more mood swings than Trixie. To East, Rambling Rock Ridge, home to Diamond Dogs that known for foalnapping ponies. To West, a mirror pool that if fall in wrong hooves, could create army. To North, Canterlot where Blueblood lives. No wonder why Ponyville magnet to monsters. Where it be dead center to unpredictable forest, foalnapping Diamond Dogs, an army factory, and aristocrats. Yona sees why Discord called Ponyville chaos capital of world. Thank you.”

The club members applauded as Yona sat back down on her bench.

Spike stood up. “Truth be told, I can’t really decide which is more wicked. A prince that Celestia wants to neglect, or a town that makes a lunatic asylum look like Canterlot. I’m going to need more details to sort this out in this – my Inquisition!” The audience cheered as Spike flew down from his high desk to the floor. He first turned to Sandbar. “So, you say that Blueblood is a bad prince because he treats his staff horribly?” Sandbar nodded. “I’ve heard that most of the Solar Guard actually like him.”

Sandbar scoffed, “If by liking him you mean that he pays them extra if they sleep with him. It’s kinda hard to dislike a guy that gives your only chance for release when you’re not allowed to in the guard’s barracks.”

“Pony speaks from experience?” Yona smirked.

The entire chamber erupted in Oh’s all around, it was so loud that Spike couldn’t call to order until they calmed down a minute later.

“Objection Your Honor,” Sandbar said, “that was uncalled for.”

“Sustained.” Spike now turned to the Yak. “Yona, what’s wrong about living here? Ponyville is a pretty fun place to live as it has all kinds of stuff that goes on all year long.”

“But Ponyville has too many festivals.” Yona insisted, “Most are pointless. In Yakyakistan, we dedicate certain days to important things: family, spring, smashing. In Ponyville, there be festival because it’s Monday.”

“Uh-huh, Sandbar!” Spike suddenly turned to him. “Blueblood is a good diplomat. We’ve avoided entire wars through his charm alone. He has landed a hoof in keeping Equestria safe.”

“Well of course he’s kept Equestria safe – by staying away from it. Yes, apart from Twilight, Blueblood has a better sort of relationship with creatures from around the world – but that’s telling when a pony like him would rather be with anyone else as long as they’re not a pony.”

“That I have to disagree,” Spike waved a talon at him. “Blueblood told me that he was going to borrow my first issue of Power Ponies years ago, and I still haven’t seen that comic since. Yona,” before he could ask his question, he was interrupted by the club’s laughter. “Now Yona, what about this School? If there is no Ponyville, there would be no School of Friendship. No School of Friendship means that you wouldn’t get to meet any of us.”

Yona raised an eyebrow. “So? Has Dragon noticed that few in Ponyville attended classes here? Except for faraway students, ponies in town tend to stay away.”

“Hey, wait a minute,” Sandbar leaned over, “what about me? I’m from here.”

“Sandbar saner, unlike rest of town.”

“Speaking of which,” Spike turned to Sandbar, “If Blueblood and the population of Ponyville were dropped on a desert island, who would eat who first?”

“Well, obviously Blueblood.” The pony answered. “He’s so evil, that if he resorted to cannibalism, he would most likely bring along his personal chef to cook up the residence and arrange them on silver plates.”

“Ha!” Yona interjected, “Pony wrong. Ponyville ponies so evil, they would cut Prince up before he could say ‘Me hungry.’”

This got a laugh from the club.

“And finally,” Spike said as he flew back up to his high desk, “for my final question. If I don’t stop this evil tonight, what’s gonna happen? Sandbar, present to us your Ripple of Evil.”

The chamber applauds loudly that their favorite part of the show is about to begin. Sandbar walked to the very center of the room as the lights dimmed and a spotlight illuminated him. He clears his throat.

“If Prince Blueblood isn’t stopped, he will eventually have an existential crisis when Twilight becomes the official ruler of Equestria. He’ll realize that the shiny throne and crown he was promised since birth isn’t gonna happen now that a younger immortal is on the throne. With no other way to gain power or manipulate his way in, the prince will be forced to launch a coup de taunt. But for him to do that, he would have to assemble an army. And for him to assemble an army, he would have to win their trust by prostituting himself. Oh no! Now he and his army had contracted pony aids where a good chunk of the Canterlot nobility drops dead. Without the nobility, Twilight has no one to delegate with. Finding that without any way of getting someone else to do a billion things at once, Equestria collapses. Then the survivors will face a pissed off Celestia, invading Seals, and gay zombies.”

After the applause died down, Spike remarked. “A pissed off Celestia, invading Seals, and gay zombies… I’d go see a movie that has all three. Yona, what will happen if Ponyville isn’t stopped?”

Sandbar traded places with Yona as she stepped into the spotlight. “Ponyville’s School of Friendship gains attention of creatures across world. Those outside of town will think school that town sprang from be utopia of order, harmony, and wisdom. However, when creatures come here, they see opposite of that. Where ponies elected a hayburger, Discord throws temper tantrum in street, and citizens making decisions so dumb that makes Snails smartest pony. Shocked by truth, creatures will return to home country, warning leaders not to trust ponies. This sparks world war, where instead being declared on Equestria, those leaders would go to war with Ponyville itself. To end this swiftly, they construct mother of all bombs drop on Ponyville, thus bring end of world. The only survivor in all of this will be Princess Luna, drifting through space, wondering why she bothered coming back at all.”

After Yona returned to her bench and the lights went up, the audience applauded to which Spike banged on his gavel. “Okay, now it’s time for Final Augments. Sandbar, you got anything to add?”

Standing up, Sandbar trotted over to the club members. “Although the Prince is related to Celestia and Luna, there is one thing that separates him from his aunts, Princess Cadence, her husband, or even Twilight – for they have something that he doesn’t: empathy. Even someone like Celestia who has been at the top of the food chain (so to speak) is great because she genuinely treats her subjects like equals. Meaning that she’s willing to work with ponies below her statues, earns respect with every creature she encounters. It’s even rumored that she knows the names of everyone in Canterlot Castle by heart. But not Blueblood. He seems to adopt the view that since he’s a prince, he sees there’s a pecking order that goes like this: You; the dirt; the worms inside of the dirt; stool; his stool; Celestia; then Blueblood. Something I think you should keep in mind when making your decision, Your Honor. Thank ya.” There was a polite applause when Sandbar sat back down on his bench.

Spike looked over to the Yak, “Good luck Yona.”

Yona got up to address her audience. “Yona can’t believe that Yona would have to pull this out; but until Twilight came to town, Ponyville had same attitude towards creatures as Neighsay. Up until very recently, ponies wouldn’t dare associate with anyone that wasn’t pony. But Yona can hear ponies say that things have are better now; there Griffons, Yaks, Hippogriffs, a few dragons, donkeys, and a Changeling. Curious, that even now, there no Zebra, Deer, or Buffalo that live in town. Not even bat ponies comes near. Even Zecora prefers to live in Everfree Forest than be near town. Yona not calling Ponyville spiciest but should be enough to raise eyebrow. Yona is done.”

After the applause for her died down and Yona returned to her seat, Spike banged on his gavel. “Alright, I’ve heard enough. It’s now time for my Final Verdict, or as I like to call it, the end of the show!” Spike looked up once more towards the ceiling. Now he could see Twilight’s face as if judging him for what he’s about to say next.

“Yona, I understand your grievances with Ponyville. Being the first dragon that lived here for a few years, I’ve had plenty of near-death experiences and have turned into a twenty-story monstrosity because I got greedy that one time. Sandbar, there’s no arguing that Prince Blueblood is so narcissistic that it makes Trixie look like a saint. Then again, Ponyville has been ground zero for all sorts of atrocities: Discord claiming it as the chaos capital of the world; the Golden Oaks Library being blown to pieces; Diamond Tiera being born. Blueblood treats mares like crap, while stallions like walking sex toys. Ponyville citizens can’t make up their minds if they want to be consistently nice, consistently mean, or consistently dumb. Blueblood may worship himself, but just existing in Ponyville is playing with fire.

“However, comparing to a town full of Looney Toons to a dick is absurd! Therefore, I rule that the Root of All Evil is – Ponyville!” Spike banged his gavel as the camber exploded with a mixture of cheers and boos among the audience. He continued to bang on his gavel until the room calmed down. “And I sentence the citizens of Ponyville to wash Prince Blueblood’s laundry for the rest of their days. My court is adjourned!”

With a final bang of his gavel, the show was over. But before Spike could get up, he burped out a firry scroll. While Sandbar and Yona shook hooves below him, he unrolled the note.

Spike, I want to ask you a favor when you’re done for the night. I want to tell you my thoughts on this club.

- Twilight.

Comments

[daniboyi]

Hopefully, Twilight lets it stay.

Or she just makes it an official club and changes the rules of what clubs must be like.

[SpikeSmolder fan]

Huh, interesting case this time around. As much as I dislike Blueblood you have to admit Ponyville's the capital for freaky stuff!

Course I wasn't expecting Twilight to learn about the Comedy Club so quickly, even though she kinda cornered Spike when asking about it I'm glad he at least lay down some rules before spilling the beans, so to speak. Now I can't wait to see what the conversation between Spike & Twilight is gonna go after she saw how it played out!

[mrier27]

I’m calling it: Twi’s going to want to be the lawyer next week.

[OmniFox]

Sorry I'm just picturing Flurry Heart as a Bailiff.

[redsopine]

“Comparing to a town full of Looney Toons to a dick is absurd!

Why does this seems like a title for a adult loony toons episode

[LunaJack]

“He also expects his staff of servants to have a clockwork precision in when to do something and efficiently. In fact, one of the Hoofcolts got fired because he poured the Prince’s tea one second before five o’clock. And a butler was let go because he gave him, one morning, a cup of coffee that had fifty-eight beans by mistake. Not only that, but he once threw ink at one of his bodyguard’s face because he got him the wrong tone of blue ink. Even Twilight’s over obsessiveness would tell him to tone it down.”

That incident sounds familiar. Where have I read that?