Quantumly Uncertain Friendship
The train officially left the boundaries of Canterlot at the base of the mountain, as it took a gentle leftwards curve around peacefully wooded hill. The Canterhorn was behind it now, and Ponyville ahead. The early train - having left Canterlot not long after dawn - was mostly empty, carrying so many cars more to bring back commuters from Ponyville to the capitol later in the morning. For now, that left the few riders aboard in peace.
Zephyr Breeze, despite being one of said riders, was not at peace.
Not because he wasn't chill! No, the Zeph was beyond being unchill. He was the epitome of chill - so much so he could be used to cool drinks. Particularly if they belonged to good lookin' ladies.
No, Zephyr was not at peace because he was headed to Ponyville to see his sister. He liked Fluttershy, of course - she was like a sister to him. But the friends she had been picking up lately were weird. Like Rainbow Dash was hot but Zephyr just couldn't get a handle on how she thought. Her taste in stallions was incomprehensible! And that wasn't even going into her other, weirder friends. Like the... orange one? And the purple one? He couldn't be bothered to keep their names straight.
With a sigh, Zephyr tried to push those thoughts out of his mind as he watched the train take a gentle leftwards curve around a peacefully wooded hill. Weird friends or not, he needed to talk to Fluttershy. At the very least she could help him out - after losing his job with the Royal Guard for reasons that didn't need exploring at this juncture, Zephyr was off to Las Pegasus. There was a huge opportunity there and she was just the pony to help him make the most of it.
Not just because he needed to borrow the money for his train ticket the rest of the way, but because she had all the ins! Mane therapy was one thing, but for animals? It was a sure fire hit! Las Pegasus had a ton of show animals, after all. Performing was stressful, and nopony had probably ever thought to try and relax the animal performers. She was an animal expert and probably knew all the ponies out there who used them in their acts. She'd introduce him to the right ones, he'd make his pitch and be set up in an expensive suite with room service by the end of the week!
It was a foolproof plan.
Zephyr smiled to himself, watching out the window as the train made a gentle leftwards curve around a peacefully wooded hill.
"...That's funny." Peering closer, Zephyr looked backwards to where the train had been. Normal. He looked ahead. Normal. "Hm." He sat back again, dismissing it just as the train made a gentle leftwards curve around a peacefully wooded hill. "Uuuuh..."
"Oh come on!" The empty seat across from Zephyr opened up a pair of distinctive red on yellow eyes. "That's the thirty-seventh time you've gone past the same hill and you're still barely noticing?"
It was a fortunate thing that the rest of the car was empty, because that way nopony could verify Zephyr's shriek of horror.
The seat uncoiled itself, unfolding into a lengthy hodgepodge of animal parts that defied all sense and was also wearing a conductor's hat for some reason. "I go to the trouble of making you unstuck in time so we can have a conversation in peace and you don't even bother to notice?"
"I...what." Zephyr's panic started to ease off into total and utter confusion.
"Unstuck in time," Discord repeated. "I un-anchored about a minute of time so it repeated infinitely on itself. That way we can talk as long as I want to without having to worry about things like eating or sleeping or getting to the next station. And then you ignored it thirty-seven times!" Huffily, Discord crossed his mismatched arms and pouted. "Really, your lack of appreciation is absurd. And that's coming from me."
Roughly swallowing both bile and pride, Zephyr asked the foremost question on his mind. "Who... are you?"
Discord squinted at the pegasus. "Are you serious?" He glanced over to the other Discord standing next to him. "I think he's serious." Then, back to Zephyr. "Who am I? Why, I'm Discord!" Silence. "The Lord of Chaos?" No reaction. "Archduke of Anarchy? Marquis of Madness? The D to the R to the Aconequus?" Absolutely no recognition on Zephyr's face. "Fluttershy's best friend?" Still nothing. "I live with your sister?"
"Oh! Yeah, right!" Zephyr laughed, waving off the misunderstanding without actually remembering anything. "You're that dude!"
Grumbling, Discord slumped back into the seat opposite Zephyr. "Hmph. You know, it's fascinating that your sister got all of the good genes and you got half of the bad ones."
Zephyr's confusion rose. "Uh. Don't you mean to say I got all of the bad ones?"
"No, half," Discord confidently noted. "The other half of you is just painfully vacant space."
Finally - finally! - Zephyr found his spine. "Hey, just because you can't appreciate my zen-like nature..."
And then Discord broke out laughing.
"Rude." Zephyr pouted.
A bird's claw flicked Zephyr's nose in response. "If you're zen-like then I'm Celestia's favorite tea."
Zephyr rubbed his stung nose and turned to retort - only to find that Discord was, in fact, a full tea service complete with scones and clotted cream. "So.... you are her favorite tea?"
"Pft. Hardly." Discord's pot lifted up and poured himself into the teacup. "She prefers oolong and I'm more hibiscus."
The pegasus blinked uncomprehendingly.
Pulling himself out of the teacup and wringing his tail dry, Discord re-took his seat. "That's hardly the point, I suppose. What is, Zephyr..." And the Lord of Chaos paused. "You are Zephyr Breeze, aren't you? Fluttershy's brother?"
Nodding distractedly, Zephyr confirmed it while he picked up the abandoned teapot that was no longer Discord to examine it. Discord snatched it away before he had it for more than a few seconds.
"The point is that I, the great and powerful - but not Great and Powerful - Discord have decided that we should get to know one another." After adjusting his glasses, Discord flipped open his notepad. "So - tell me about your mother."
Zephyr sat up, getting off the psychiatrist's couch. "You're crazy!"
"Entirely!" Discord cackled with glee.
It was at that point Zephyr flew out the train's window. And flew in the opposite side.
Waggling a finger, Discord loudly tsked. "Come now, there's no need to be so rude. I really do just want to talk. Mano a mano. Dracon a equus. You know - be pals."
His response was nervous and slightly unhinged laughter as Zephyr looked desperately for an exit. There were several, but the fact that all of them were doors that weren't attached to anything and had signs that read THE WAY OUT, REALLY, WOULD I LIE TO YOU? made him suspect that they were less than legitimate.
Then Discord threw an arm across his withers and pulled Zephyr down into a pair of plush lounge chairs with a bucket between them full of ice and bottles suspiciously labeled as 'brewski'. "Really, you do need to calm down. I'm not going to hurt you. After all, I'm reformed!" He leaned in, stage-whispering behind his claw. "Also your sister would kill me." His head popped off to demonstrate.
"Uuuuuuh." Zephyr summoned all of his mental capacity to deal with this. "Sure?"
"Wonderful!" Confetti rained down around them and party horns sounded. "Now that we're going to be BBBBFFFs - which is whatever silly acronym Twilight uses but with an extra one of each letter because we're better than that - I've developed an intensive training schedule for getting to know each other." Discord pulled down the chart from the ceiling - then immediately tossed it out the window. "But that sounds like work so I'm going to skip it."
Zephyr got out of his lounge chair. "Look, uh... Disco."
"Discord," corrected the draconequus.
"Yeah, that." Zephyr took a step backwards. "I'm sure you're an awesome pony--"
"Draconequus," corrected the Discord.
"Yeah, that." Zephyr took another step away. "But I just wanna to see my sister--"
"Who I live with," added the Lord of Chaos.
"Yeah, that." Zephyr stepped backwards into a wall that hadn't been there a moment before.
Discord rose up out of his chair, curling and coiling towards the pony. "You know, I'm starting to get the idea you might be afraid of me." His long, languid form curled and twisted as the lights around them dimmed to cast the entire scene into murky shadow. Save, of course, for his eyes. Those yellow eyes that glittered like gold with reds pupils that burned like fiery coals. Long, sharp, snaggled teeth grinned, framing the beast's fathomless maw that--
Zephyr Breeze screamed in utter terror.
The light snapped back on and Discord straightened up. "Oh! Sorry, sorry. That was a bit extra, wasn't it?" He picked up Zephyr with one claw and brushed him off. "Honestly, I really do just want to do the pony thing and.." Discord waved vaguely at the air with his paw and muttered something about friendship. "You're Fluttershy's brother. Is it so strange that I would want to get to know you?"
Slowly, Zephyr relaxed. Only marginally, but enough to actually sit again. "So you're... Fluttershy's friend?"
"Indeed!" Discord beamed at that, offering over a bottle of questionable beverage.
Under his bun, Zephyr's mind started to work again. "Friend or friend-friend?"
For a moment, Discord was actually caught off guard by that. "Well, friend." He paused for a beat. "Possibly dating, I suppose, since we do meet for tea often." He paused again. "Or married? Maybe we're married. Though I'm not sure on the last one. I mean I certainly don't believe that little goblin Angel Bunny when he claims to be an ordained priest of the Black Rabbit of Inlé."
Zephyr paused, trying to parse any of that. "So.. you're my brother-in-law."
Discord shrugged. "Only if you believe Angel Bunny's telling the truth."
Trying again, Zephyr restarted. "So you're not my brother-in-law."
"Only if you believe Angel Bunny's lying." Discord broke into a massive grin. "The wedding's in a state of quantum uncertainty! Until we investigate further and observe it directly, it both is and isn't at the same time!" Flopping backwards bonelessly, Discord let out a contented sigh. "Fluttershy really gets me."
"Uuuuuuh. Right." Zephyr shifted uncomfortably. "Look, bro - can I call ya bro?"
Discord - now wearing sunglasses and a fauxhawk - fistbumped Zephyr's hoof. "Sure, bro."
"I don't get any of this," Zephyr admitted. "But if Flutters thinks you're cool, you're cool. I guess." He shrugged.
Teleporting over with a snap, Discord hugged his quantumly uncertain brother-in-law. "Excellent! And now that we're the best of pals we can..." Then he frowned. "Wait, hold on. I'm fairly sure that's not how this is supposed to work. Aren't we supposed to get to know each other? You know, you rattle off a bunch of drivel about your meaningless life and I entice you with bits of my far more interesting one?"
"Hey!" Zephyr sputtered ineffectually. "My life's, like, totally awesome. The Zeph does cool stuff all the time."
"As often as Rainbow Dash does awesome stuff?" Discord leaned in menacingly.
This time, Zephyr didn't back down. "Even more often than Rainbows does! That's why she's totally in love with me, you know." He gave an over-exaggerated wink.
Steepling his claws, Discord flopped out on his lounger. "Oh do tell. This should be quite entertaining."
Now in too deep to back out - and he knew it - Zephyr swallowed roughly. "Well, I just happen to be on my way to Las Pegasus to start my new career! After I stop by my loving sister's place to say hi."
"Employment." Discord yawned. "How droll."
Zephyr harrumphed. "I'll have you know I'm on the path to greatness! Once I get my mane therapy business off the ground, I'm gonna be riding the high life of fame and fortune!"
Discord yawned again, louder and in a six-part chorus. "Is that really as high as you're going to aim?"
And then, Zephyr blinked. "Uh. What?"
"I mean honestly!" Discord swept up from the lounger, putting an arm across Zephyr's withers once more. "Yes, I'm sure that you'll be a household name and have enough bits to get..." He mentally stumbled over mortal concerns before opting to gloss over it. "...Whatever it is you feel like getting. But will that really make you happy?"
"...Yes?" Zephyr squinted. "Of course it would?"
Waggling a claw, Discord tut-tutted. "That won't do. Not for my bro. You need to have higher standards! Aim for the sky! Shoot for the moon!" He waved his hand in the air before pointing a finger at a portal that opened directly in view of Luna's flank. A suction cup dart flew from his clawtip, struck her right in the cutie mark, and the portal closed again before she could react. "I've never had a single bit in my life, and I'm so not-famous that most ponies thought I was a myth. And look at me! I'm ecstatic."
It took several seconds of staring at Discord's massive grin for Zephyr to buy it. "I guess you are, yeah."
"Of course I am! I'm Discord!" He thumped a paw against his chest. "I'm friends with and quantum-married to Best Pony - which is canon, I should know - and I don't have to do dumb things like 'work'," he air-quoted with a pair of fingers unattached to the rest of him. "I get to do whatever I want, whenever I want." He completely neglected to mention the multiple Friendship Beatdowns and repeatedly being on thin ice with every alicorn and most ponies.
Zephyr didn't know any better. "That does sound pretty sweet," he guilelessly admitted. "Man, I'd love to just do whatever I wanted and not worry about anything. You know, you've got a point bro. Gotta chase the dream, am I right?"
"Very right," Discord agreed. "Now, I could help you get there by lending you a little of my chaos magic, buuuuuut..." He sighed dramatically and rolled his eyes. "Certain Princesses get angry when that happens. Something about ponies being unable to handle the power and inevitable destruction and blah blah blah sticks in the mud." He parroted the lectures he had been repeatedly given using a pair of sock puppets - ones of Maud and Mudbriar dressed up as Celestia and Luna.
Zephyr straightened up. "Hey! I'll have you know I can be very mature and responsible. It's practically my trademark. After, you know, my awesome hair and my chill attitude and how I'm super hot with the ladies."
Discord scratched his chin. "Mmm. I don't know..."
"Gotta chase the dream," Zephyr reiterated, his hoof sweeping the still-repeating horizon. "The dream, man."
A moment's more thought - more than Discord normally gave - and the draconequus nodded. "You know, you're right. After all, you know what they say, bro." Discord pointedly tossed away the stack of farming tools he was abruptly holding. They crashed through the train's window.
Leaning close, Discord pressed the tip of a single talon to Zephyr's snout. "Now I'm going to start small. Apparently ponies have trouble adapting, so let's get you used to just a teensy bit of power first." A tiny spark of magic jolted between Discord's claw and Zephyr's nose.
Thirty-seven seconds later, Discord took it away again.
"W-whappen?" Zephyr's body wobbled, as did his soul.
With a disappointed sigh, Discord ticked off the prior events on his fingers. "Well, the first thing that happened is that your eyes went wide. Then you twitched and transformed yourself into paisley."
"You mean I turned paisley?" Zephyr questioned.
"No, you became paisley," Discord corrected. "Then you took the minute of stuck time we're in and unstuck it while sticking the rest of time instead. Then you turned every fabric surface in the train car into a wig of rainbow hair, all of which started fighting for the right to kiss you. Then the air turned into tapioca pudding and I had to take the power away from you before you gave Sinbad another TV show."
Slowly, Zephyr blinked. His brain attempted to comprehend or at least conceptually accept what Discord was saying - it failed, but he managed to get the impression that these things were not what he was supposed to do. "So... I screwed up," he gloomily predicted.
"Are you kidding?!" Discord grabbed Zephyr and pulled him into a hug. "That's so much better than almost every other time I've let a pony use my magic! Bro, you're a natural!"
"...I am?"
Discord grinned broadly. "Just wait until you get a bit more practice. Then we'll get to the really fun stuff."
Something in the back of Zephyr Breeze's mind screamed that this was a terrible idea and could only lead to terrible things. The rest of him didn't listen. It just smiled back at his quantumly-uncertain brother-in-law and reveled in their joy as a rainbow haired wig latched onto the side of his face with a gross slurping noise.
"Discord."
The draconequus didn't respond.
"Discord."
Still nothing.
"DISCORD!"
Twilight's shout with the Royal Canterlot Voice cracked the overly elaborate umbrella drink he was holding. Discord finally removed his sunglasses and looked at her. "What?"
"We need to talk," Twilight ominously not-asked, words full of ill intent.
Discord shrugged. "So talk? I don't know about you, but it's a lovely day out so I'm getting a tan." A large draconequus claw with a spatula reached in from somewhere off to their left, flipped Discord over on his inflatable raft with a sizzle and then withdrew again.
"Discord, this madness needs to stop." She foolishly tried to appeal to his sensible side.
And he continued to shrug. "But I'm not doing anything. Just tanning. See?"
Twilight closed her eyes and counted to ten. "You gave Zephyr Breeze your chaos magic."
"Only a little! And of course I did, we're bros." Discord sneered at her. "You wouldn't understand."
"You never gave Spike or Big Mac any of your magic and they're your bros," Twilight accusingly pointed out.
And Discord dismissed it just as quickly. "Oh pft. First of all you know that Spike doesn't need it. And Big Mac - that lovable monosyllabic lug - would never use it properly and we both know it. He'd just..." Discord waved a claw vaguely in the air. "I don't know, conjure new types of fertilizer for his trees or something."
He had a good point - which is why Twilight knew they had gotten off-topic. "But you don't deny you gave it to Zephyr."
"Yes." Several seconds of silence passed. Discord lifted his head up and looked at Twilight. "And?"
"And currently Las Pegasus is thirty percent statues of Zephyr Breeze by weight," she sighed.
Disapprovingly, Discord clicked his tongue. "Ugh, so self-indulgent."
"Discord!" Twilight stomped her hoof. "This is serious!"
"Has he hurt anypony?"
Twilight hesitated. "Well, no. Just property damage."
"Do you think he's going to hurt anypony?"
Again, Twilight hesitated. "I.. don't think so? Zephyr has a lot of, um, quirks but he's never tried to actually harm others."
Discord shrugged and put his head back down again. "Then what's the problem?"
Twilight ground her teeth for a moment. "Just... open a portal to check on him, please."
With a dramatic sigh, Discord snapped his talons and did so.
Zephyr Breeze's golden hair flowed like water as he hovered above the flaming ruins of Las Pegasus. Filled with thousands of golden statues of himself, the city was in chaotic ruins after having been laid to waste by Zephyr's maddened fury. Hooves outstretched, he floated ominously above it all as orchestral music swept around him. Below, a choir of scantily-clad Rainbow Dash look-alikes chanted in Horse Latin.
As their voices rose to a fever pitch, they climaxed their song in a singular word - a name.
"ZEPHYROTH!
ZEPHYROTH!"
Discord closed the portal again. "Hm, yes, I think I see your point."
"So you'll fix it?" Twilight perked up onto her hooftips, eager to see it all finally resolved.
"Eeeeeeh." Discord hesitated.
She stomped her hoof harder this time. "DISCORD."
"Alright, alright!" With a heavy sigh, Discord snapped his fingers. "There. I took my magic back from Zephyr. And I undid the damage he did to Las Pegasus."
Twilight's eyes narrowed at him.
"...Look, can't I just let him keep the mansion on the hill in the shape of his own head?" Discord waffled - literally, falling apart into a pile of Eggo. "There wasn't anything there before and it isn't hurting anypony. Please? He's my brother-in-law--"
Whiplash couldn't begin to cover how fast Twilight's head turned. "Fluttershy married you?"
Discord waved it off. "Only quantum uncertainly. We already did that part, let's keep the plot moving. The point is!" He dropped to his knees. "Please? You don't want my bro to be homeless, do you?"
Twilight hesitated. And then with a reluctant sigh, she nodded. "Alright, he can keep it. But only because if you take it away he'll end up living with Fluttershy's parents again and they deserve better than that."
"Thanks Twilight, you're a doll."
Twilight - now cosplaying as Smarty Pants - glared at Discord.
He snapped his claws and turned her back.
Meanwhile, on a hill outside Las Pegasus...
Zephyr Breeze lounged on the inflatable couch in his pool and sipped his mimosa. Moments later there was a flash and Discord - perched on a similar but rubber duck-shaped float - appeared beside him.
"So," Zephyr asked, "Was I right?"
"You were right," Discord confirmed. "You know, I never even thought about trying that."
The Zeph grinned wider. "I told you, it's a slam dunk. It's all about setting expectations, my bro. You ask for a three-layer cake, and they feel like they won when they talk you down to a cookie. So compared to, say, destroying all of Las Pegasus and turning it into an anarchist hellscape? Giving me a fully stocked mansion is small beans. They get to feel like they came out on top and I get what I want."
Discord sipped his chocolate egg creme. "And I've been doing it all this time without realizing. It does explain how they keep forgiving me for my, ah, whimsical antics. Compared to what I did before, it's nothing!"
The two quantumly uncertain brothers laughed and tapped their glasses together in a toast.
"Bro."
"Bro."