Wait, what?
“How?” Twilight asked in disbelief, gesturing wildly to the male alicorn standing before her.
“I’m going to be honest with you Twilight. I have no idea.” Shining Armor admitted with a shrug.
“Don't get me wrong, this is great.” Twilight began. “I don't have to lose my brother, and Cadance doesn't have to lose her husband but how could this have happened? Did you recently accomplish a feat of great heroism?”
“I mean, I did exceptionally well in the uh, bedroom.” Shining Armor muttered weakly. “Does that count?”
“How good exactly?” Twilight asked only to think better of it and shake her head. “On second thought, I don't want to know. Let's just say it was an achievement on par with defeating a great evil, completing an impossible spell, or raising the sun or moon.”
Shining Armor frowned. “Well when you say it like that it doesn't sound that fantastic.”
“Shining you apparently earned your wings by being good in the sack.” Twilight stated flatly. “Of course it's not nearly as impressive as anything other alicorns have done.”
“Can we just get past that part and say it was a delayed effect from Cadance and I defeating Chrysalis?” Shining Armor requested.
“Sure, whatever. Though I’d say it was more me then you considering you spent most of that time either in a daze, or kicking me out of your wedding.” Twilight added.
“I was being mind controlled Twily.” Shining Armor whined. “I didn't have much of a choice.”
“Then it's not like you really did much defeating now did you mister, doesntknowwhatsgoingon?” Twilight remarked with a hint of bitterness.
“Can we please just get back to the part where you were happy about me becoming an alicorn?” Shining Armor begged. “Maybe you could teach me how to fly or something?”
Twilight snorted dismissively. “I’m a terrible flier. Besides, Cadance was born a pegasus, she's probably a much better teacher.”
“Actually shes a bit overbearing.” Shining Armor replied regretfully. “I was actually hoping that Rainbow Dash might be able to teach me. If I could learn to fly that fast I could visit much more often.”
Twilight chuckled and shook her head. “Rainbow is a good flier, but an abysmal teacher.”
“Well alright then.” Shining Armor concluded.
“There is one thing I am curious about.” Twilight asked as she put down her teacup and relaxed into her chair, steepling her hooves. “How is it that you are still male? I was told all alicorns were hermaphrodites.”
Shining Armor blushed, and looked away. “Well you see the thing is that's well… still true.”
Twilight raised an eyebrow, and had to stop herself from glancing at her brother’s naughty bits. “I don't understand. You still look male.”
Shining Armor cleared his throat. “Apparently that's just a remnant of my former gender.”
“Sex.” Twilight corrected. “Gender is one’s assumed role in society, not the bits you got between your legs.”
“Right, sorry. This whole thing is just really confusing.” Shining Armor admitted with a sigh. “At least I don't have to pee sitting down, that would be annoying.”
“Oh it is so convenient. I don't think I’ve sat to piss since I got it.” Twilight gushed, only to realize what she had just said and blushed profusely.
“Can we stop talking about this now? Please?” Shining Armor asked, the former stallion looking even more uncomfortable than usual, his wings twitching at his sides.
“Yes. In fact let's just end this entire conversation and pick it up in the morning. I need to get some sleep before my thoughts run away with me.” Twilight admitted, the alicorn standing up and extending a foreleg. “Still, I’m glad you came to tell me straight away, even if its rather late.”
“No problem Twiley.” Shining Armor exclaimed, the other alicorn quickly getting up and squeezing his sister tightly. “Cadance and I will be back out in about a week or so.”
“That's nice. I’ll see you then.” Twilight replied, giving the other pony one final squeeze.
“I’ll be looking forward to it.”
Twilight yawned and smacked her lips as she walked into the crystal castle kitchens, the pony silently quite thankful that she had decided to go back to bed when she did, as it meant she only lost an extra hour or so to worrying and contemplation. After wiping the sleep from her eyes, the alicorn looked around the room to where Starlight was reading the paper while munching on toast. Spike sat across from her reading the great and powerful bugle, a sight that made Twilight scowl in disgust.
“Good morning you two.” she announced. “I hope you both slept better than I did.”
Starlight peeked over the top of her paper and smiled. “I most certainly did. I also made some extra toast and pancakes if you wanted some.”
Twilight smiled, and glanced over to her usual spot where a plate of food was already waiting for her. “Why thank you Starlight, that was quite thoughtful of you.” Sitting down in her spot, the alicorn glanced at the paper her student was reading. “So, anything interesting in the news?”
“There was some sighting of an unknown alicorn, but the papers are choking it up to hearsay.” Starlight began. “Other then that there is more uncertainty surrounding the question if Trottingham is going to leave Equestria after all.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “What else is new.” She muttered.
The alicorn bit into her first pancake after smothering it with syrup only to realize that Spike hadn't said anything yet. Glancing at the dragon made Twilight nearly spit out her food, her sleepy eyes only now registering what the headline of his reading material was.
Shining Armor becomes an alicorn after having sex with one! Are alicorns an STD? Find out here!
“I can't believe she wrote something like that!” Twilight shouted, gesturing to Spike’s reading material.
Starlight folded her newspaper and sighed. “I assumed you know something about that?”
“Please tell me you don't believe such nonsense.” Twilight asked.
The unicorn rolled her eyes. “Of course not. Trixie tends to embellish her stories.”
“That's one of putting it.” Twilight muttered, only to turn to Spike and snatch his reading material from his hands. “Give me that. You shouldn't be reading such garbage.”
Spike blinked in shock. “Hey, thats mine! Trixie gave it to me!”
“She did did she?” Twilight muttered as she magically reduced the print media to a pile of dust. “I’ll have to have a long discussion with this so called journalist.”
“It isn't true though, right?” Starlight interrupted.
“Of course not!” Twilight declared, her face turning bright red. “I mean Celestia certainly hasn't done anything like that with me, nor has Cadance or Luna for that matter.” The alicorn paused. “Though it's not like I would be opposed, per say.”
“Your repressed sexual fantasies aside.” Starlight began with a slight smirk. “Is it at least true that Shining Armor is actually an alicorn?”
Twilight shook her head, dismissing the blush that had spread across it. “Oh uh yes. Though it's not confirmed how that happened, my current theory is that he has truly stepped into his role as the king of the crystal empire which has allowed him to earn his wings. The timing of the entire thing aside, it does make sense, as he did help save the empire from Sombra, and helped defeat Chrysalis so it's not like he is unworthy.”
“I thought you said he didn't do anything to help against Chrysalis.” Spike pointed out.
“I said barely did anything, not that he did nothing.” Twilight corrected.
“Hey, I did both of those things. Does that mean I’ll become an alicorn?” Spike inquired, the dragon raising his wings as he did so. “Would I get a second pair of wings or maybe just a horn?”
“I don't…” Twilight sighed, and placed a hoof against her forehead. “Your a dragon Spike. It doesn't work that way.”
“I thought you said the same about Shining Armor.” Spike pointed out.
Twilight groaned. “Let's have this conversation later, okay? Right now I need to talk to Trixie and get her to print a retraction of this blatant lie.”
“I don't know Twi. She's been taking law courses recently. I’m not sure it's against any rules to print speculation.” Starlight pointed out.
“Oh I’ll see about that.” Twilight declared before hopping off her chair and trotting away, only to run back and grab a peice of toast and leave for real this time.
Spike and Starlight exchanged a glance. “So uh. Are we going to go after her?” Spike asked.
“I got it. Besides, I gotta meet up with Trixie in a bit anyway and help her out with something.” Starlight replied, the unicorn cutting off a slice of pancake from Twilight’s plate. “But first, we can't let this food go to waste, right?”
“Heck no!” Spike exclaimed before grabbing Twilight’s remaining peice of toast.
“I can't believe the gall of that mare.” Twilight muttered as she trotted through town, the pony shaking her head as she did so. “To print that article about my sex life was something, but starting a nasty rumour like that is too much, even for her.”
Sighing, the alicorn breathed deeply and tried to enjoy the fresh, mid morning air. “Ahh, well at least it's a nice day.”
“Twilight, Twilight, Twilight!” Shouted a familiar voice a second before Pinkie Pie all but exploded into view.
Twilight was used to such a thing though, and merely put a hoof, stopping the excitable earth pony before she ran into her. “Yes Pinkie?” She asked slowly.
“Is it true, is it true?” Pinkie Pie asked, the pony all but vibrating out of Twilight’s grip. “Do you really turn into an alicorn by having sex with one?”
Twilight shook her head. “No that's not how it works I’m afraid.”
“Awww pooh.” Pinkie Pie muttered, the earth pony sagging, and making something jingle inside the large saddle bags she wore.
Raising an eyebrow, Twilight realized that she was wearing a set of bags that were packed to the absolute brim with something pink poking out of the edge of one. “Did you come out here with the intention of engaging in intercourse with me if I said yes?” Twilight asked.
Pinkie Pie blushed and pushed the dildo back into her bag. “What, me? Nooo. I’d never. I definitely don't dream about flying with my own wings like every night since I was six.”
“Are you sure?” Twilight questioned, noticing how the pink pony’s face became redder by the second.
“Totally! In fact I was going to a sex friend’s house. Because I have those!” Pinkie Pie all but shouted. “And I’m late, so goodbye!”
Twilight merely lifted an eyebrow as the earth pony sprinted away, vanishing into the nearby woods. “Huh. I didn't know her and Zecora were that close.” The alicorn shrugged. “Oh well, it's not my place to judge.”
Turning back to the road, Twilight gave her head a shake, and put her mind back to the task at hoof. She would need to cross town in order to reach Trixie’s printing operation, but that wouldn't be too bad. It was only a ten minute walk, and all else fails she could fly the rest of the way, even if she was an admittedly terrible flier.
Twilight eagerly jogged towards her destination, trying to put the rather uncomfortable interaction she had just had behind her. Something she was able to do relatively quickly, the warm summer sun, and pleasant breeze lifting her spirits. Only for that to once again be shattered by an earth pony, though this one was significantly older than the last.
“Hey princess, down here.” Beckoned a familiar, elderly voice.
Twilight blinked and looked down. “Oh I’m sorry Granny Smith. I was just enjoying the wonderful day we’ve been having.”
The earth pony grunted. “That's great now listen here youngun. I need you to do a favor for me.”
Twilight’s mind instantly went back to what Pinkie Pie had said earlier, only for the alicorn to dismiss such a thought as this was Granny Smith after all. “Depends on the favor I suppose. What did you have in mind?” Twilight replied with a cautious optimism.
“I need to have sex with you.” Granny Smith declared without batting an eye.
Twilight sighed, and ran a hoof down her face. “That is just a rumour and is not-”
“I don't care if its proper.” Interrupted Granny Smith, who snorted dismissively. “I’m just about the oldest apple in the family, and I refuse to lose to my no good cousin.”
“How can you win at getting old anyway?” Twilight asked in an exasperated tone.
“Easy. The loser has to be buried upside down and I ain't about to do such a thing!” Granny declared.
Twilight sighed. “That isn't how-”
“I know its not proper to do it without getting married, but don't worry. I know this place in Las pegasus that does it quick.” Granny remarked with a wink. “Divorces too.”
Now blushing furiously, Twilight stomped a hoof. “That's not what I was trying to say. You don't become an alicorn by having sex with one!” She shouted.
Granny Smith stared at the alicorn for a few seconds, before frowning. “Alright youngun, keep your secret alicorn juice to yourself, but mark my words. One day you’ll come running for a bite of this juicy, juicy apple.”
As the old mare walked away she made sure to shake her hips as much as she could, which was very little considering the fact that she had an artificial hip. Suppressing a gag, Twilight shuddered only to realize that Big Mac was standing nearby, a frown on his face. “Don't tell me you were here for the same reason.” Twilight muttered angrily.
Big Mac nodded.
“And now that it's been disproven what are you going to do?” Twilight asked.
“Probably get a donut.” Remarked Big Mac.
Twilight blinked, watching as the laconic stallion turned and left. “Wait, why did you want to be an alicorn anyway?”
Big Mac paused. “Just wanna be a princess I suppose.”
Twilight sat there for a moment, watching as the stallion trotted away and was quickly swallowed by the growing crowd. Blinking, Twilight’s eyes went wide as she looked at the veritable horde of ponies that now surrounded her, eager expressions on their many, many faces. Some held flowers, candy, insturments, or cards while others had containers of lube, piles of condoms, and bags full of sex toys.
Upon seeing the last one, Twilight frowned. “Pinkie! What are you doing back here?”
“What can I say, your hot.” Pinkie Pie remarked with a shrug.
Like a dam being broken, the flood of ponies spilled towards her, each one yelling over each other in an attempt to get Twilight’s attention. Overwhelmed by the wall of sound, and horde the power hungry, or just plain horny ponies that spilled in from all directions, Twilight began to panic.
Only to shake her head, and dismiss her panic before lighting her horn. Before her spell completed she whispered a quiet ‘nope’ and disappeared in a flash of light.
Chest heaving, and breath coming in ragged gasps, Twilight shoved the door closed behind her before leaning her weight against it. Listening carefully, Twilight didn't hear anymore yelling, or the sounds of clamoring hooves, allowing her to relax for the first time in what felt like hours.
“Thank the stars.” She muttered, before slumping back to all four hooves once more.
“Twilight? What are you doing in Trixie’s castle?” Declared Trixie, who was poking her head out of what looked like a kitchen.
Twilight was about to respond before she noticed how big Trixie’s new house was, a full sized replica of the titular mare standing tall near the entryway, hoof extended and horn alight. “Well this is certainly a step up from your cart.” Twilight muttered.
“It was not just a…” Trixie sighed, and ran a hoof down her face. “What are you doing here anyway Sparkle? The great and powerful Trixie was about to have an expensive and filling lunch.”
“I need you to print a retraction of your story.” Twilight declared, the alicorn stomping up to the mare.
Who merely smirked. “On what grounds?”
“What grounds? Your spreading baseless rumours that have made my day a nightmare!” Twilight all but shouted.
Trixie rolled her eyes. “Surely you are overreacting. Trixie does not see a single scratch on you.”
“Yes, but now everyone wants to have sex with me and its terrible.” Twilight hissed.
Trixie planted her hoof into the centre of her forehead and sighed deeply. “Truly you live the worst life imaginable. What next, do you have too many bits and don't know what to do with them all?”
“Well I mean, that is a problem, but not why I’m here.”
Groaning, Trixie walked past the alicorn and into her living room where she plopped down on an enormous, gold trimmed faux leather couch. “If you are just here to rub your success in Trixie’s face then I am going to have to ask you to leave.” She declared, while lounging on her peice of furniture.
“I’m serious Trixie. You can't just print whatever you want. We have laws about this type of thing you know.” Twilight pointed out, the alicorn stomping up to the lounging former show mare.
“Oh I know.” Trixie remarked with another smirk. “And I also know that my esteemed publication has taken all the necessary precautions against suck laws, see?”
Twilight blinked, and looked down to the paper she was being handed. Inspecting it closer revealed that it was a current edition of Trixie’s tabloid that had the same headline across the top, though this one had an unflattering picture of a sleeping Twilight on the front.
“How did you get a picture of me while I was asleep, and why is it on the front of this paper?” Twilight demanded.
“Oh hush Sparkle. This is merely an early test copy that didn't go into publication and I cannot comment on my source though his cooperation was not coerced in anyway. I assure you.” Trixie declared.
“Wait, him?” Twilight growled. “Oh you are in big trouble when I get home mister.”
Trixie tapped the front of the paper again. “That is not what Trixie was pointing out.”
Looking down, Twilight noticed that there was tiny lettering across the bottom of the page. “This peice of media is satire, and any depictions or references to real ponies is not intentional.” Twilight frowned.
“Plus we have a whole disclaimer in the back, but nopony reads that far anyway.” Trixie remarked dismissively.
The gears of Twilight’s mind churned as she mentally went through every law she knew which applied to print media. Only to frown when she came up with nothing, causing the pony to grumble to herself. “Still, this isn't right. It's a lie.” Twilight proclaimed.
“Actually it hasn't been proven or disproven since it's never been confirmed that you aren't a virgin.” Trixie pointed out. “And I say as much in the article. If you had read it.”
“That is not true! I’ve had sex before!” Twilight declared with a stomp of her hoof.
Trixie snorted. “Yeah right. Your like the most bookish pony ever.”
“Well Celestia-” Twilight began.
“Hasn't been seen to be intimate with anything other than a funnel cake in like eight hundred years.” Finished Trixie.
“Well I know Luna has sex.” Twilight declared.
“Dreams don't count.” Countered Trixie.
“Well I… you…” Twilight’s face screwed up into a mask of rage, and deep contemplation.
Trixie meanwhile just sprawled out on her couch and laughed. “Oh this is too funny. To think the princess of virgins can't come up with anything to prove that she hasnt-”
This time it was Trixie’s turn to get interrupted when Twilight all but pounced on her, pressing their lips together.
Trixie lay there, sprawled on her four poster bed, a cigar sticking out of the corner of her mouth, bedding only half covering her naked body. Beside her Twilight lay in a slightly less blissful state, the cigarette between her lips burning intensely as she drew heavily on it. After the tobacco product was all but burnt to a crisp, Twilight crushed it in a nearby ashtray and pushed her way off the bed, a hoof fixing her messed up mane.
“I hope that proves that.” Twilight stated only to stagger to one side when her leg nearly gave out from under her.
“That was the most great and powerful sex Trixie has ever had.” Muttered the unicorn as she lay there on her bed and staring up at the ceiling.
“Yes well, you werent too bad either Trixie.” Twilight muttered dismissively, the alicorn hiding a blush as she did so.
“Say we should do this again sometime, how does tomorrow at five sound to… why are you looking at me like that?” Trixie asked, the pony raising an eyebrow at weird expression on Twilight’s face.
“You, but, what?” Twilight muttered, pointing to Trixie’s shoulders.
Taking the cigar out of her mouth, Trixie glanced down to where a pair of wings had sprouted from her back. “Well hey, would you look at that. It is true! I wonder what the great and powerful Trixie is the princess of? What do you think Sparkle? Sparkle?”
Trixie leaned over the edge of the bed to where Twilight had passed out, a horrified expression on her now unconscious face. Reaching down, Trixie prodded the alicorn’s face with a hoof.
Trixie grinned and hopped up in bed. “We did it Starlight!”
Starlight Glimmer hopped out of a pile of capes and hats, sputtering all the while. “You said those were clean Trixie!”
“They were clean enough..” Trixie remarked with a shrug.
Spitting out one final hair, Starlight trotted over to the bed and looked down at the unconscious alicorn. “How long do you think she’ll be out for?”
“At least a few minutes. Why?” Trixie replied.
“Wanna draw dicks on her face?” Starlight asked.
“Do I ever!”