After finding out the truth of his royal lineage, Prince Blueblood tries out to become evil. It doesn't go well.
Warning: The following story is currently unedited and contains scenes of the truly ridiculous. You have been warned.
Prince Blueblood, the royal brat that his aunts still kept around, was questioned about his bloodline to his aunts, Celestia and Luna. After intense research in the secret library, he finds that although he is not related to them, he finds that his ancestor is somepony who to this day is considered notorious. With this knowledge, Blueblood decides that maybe he should try his hoof at villainy.
It wasn’t unusual for Prince Blueblood to do long hours of research. Given his position and duty of not only a Prince of Equestria, but the chief ambassador for the world at large, it was a skill that he had to perfect. If one were to maintain peace among nations or negotiate trade with another culture, going through books and gathering whatever info is an absolute necessity. In fact, whenever he is in Canterlot and hears that he is going to be needed for diplomatic reasons, he would spend hours gathering mental notes from libraries and museums to learn as much on the subject as he could. And being royal, he had access to the more restricted knowledge if it means to serve out his overall goal.
However, he was looking through the ancient manuscripts and charts in Canterlot Library’s secret restricted section in the middle of the night for a different reason. It had nothing to do with international affairs, but for an internal one. He was on the hunt for something that was brought up to him that threatened his very status as a Prince. And it all started from a single question.
“How exactly are you related to the Royal Sisters?”
Hours ago, after a long bath, his mane being groomed to perfection, a light lunch with a couple of hours whining and losing to his Auntie Celestia of doing this favor for her, he was forced with the miserable task of being a tour guide for an Elementary class. As much of him wanted nothing more than to have the pipsqueaks tossed into a vat of disinfectant, then keep them there until they become grown enough to know to wipe their snot noses on a delicate lace hanky, he still had to show them around. He showed them the great rooms and told briefly of the historic significance of each, all the while trying to keep a fake smile while they couldn’t care less. Eventually, they’ve reached the hall of portraits that showed the history of the royal family when from the back, a filly with glasses raised her hoof and asked that very question.
“Isn’t it obvious?” He raised an eyebrow. “Princess Celestia is my aunt. The same goes with Princess Luna.”
“But that’s why I’m confused.” The filly said. “How can they both be your aunts? Shouldn’t one of them be your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great,” she took in a deep breath, “great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-gr-”
“Is there a rest stop between now and the point?” Blueblood asked.
She swallowed. “Shouldn’t either one be your grandmother? If you’re related to them, how can you be if they’re both your aunts?”
“Well it’s quite simple, my ancestor, Golden Dawn the Humble, is Princess Luna’s…” He stopped. His distant ancestor from nearly a thousand years ago was the oldest of his long bloodline that he knew. Golden, as he was taught, lived after the fall of the Crystal Empire and right before the banishment of Princess Luna. However, when he tried to answer how exactly, he remembered something that was concerning – Luna had confirmed to him that she never took on a lover before her banishment. Not a husband, or had an affair with anypony, besides, even if there was there might have been some record about it. And now, in front of these foals, how exactly was Golden related to the royal family was being thrown into question.
“Yes?” The filly snapped him into reality.
“Uh…” Blueblood’s eyes shifted in his skull. “That will be answered when you’re older. Now if you excuse me,” he swiftly turned around, “I have other matters to attend to.”
“But you didn’t answer my question!”
“I have royal business to attend to, show yourselves out.”
“We don’t know where we are.” One of the students pointed out.
“Not my problem.” He said before disappearing through a hallway.
“There has got to be something in here…” Blueblood muttered. Inside the cave-like room where bookshelves of antique tomes collected dust and artifacts rested on pedestals, he could not find what he was looking for. Ancient legal books, birth and death records were placed around the table in a methodical order, charts completely unrolled on the floor, and a Prince with a headache, staring at the confusing notes. While his bloodline was very easy to find to trace it back to Golden Dawn, finding anything at all beyond that was proving to be an impossible task. As much as there’s information about his ancestor’s biography, he couldn’t find anything about the parents or even when he was born.
What caught his attention was that in the oldest records that dated to the time of Golden Dawn, he found pages that were carefully cut out or erased, even painted over as of whoever did this vandalism, didn’t want anyone to know something sensitive. But what could have been that it caused such a purge?
“There has to be something that was overlooked. But what?” He set another book aside. “And more importantly – why?”
As tired as he was, and how much he longed for his bed to fall asleep in until afternoon, there was one more thing he could check. In a tucked away corner of the restricted section, a pile of scrolls that were left forgotten had caught the Prince’s attention. At a glance, they were in his auntie Celestia’s hoofwriting that date just before Nightmare Moon. Blueblood pulled them out, and carefully went through the scrolls, one by one. Upon closer examination, they were a collection of letters. Most of them were towards her servants or nobles that he never heard about. At first, there wasn’t much of anything relating to what he was looking for.
That was until one letter in particular caught his eye when a passing glance caught on the name of his ancestor.
He instantly read it.
Afterward, he wished he hadn’t.
To the Midwife: Safe Delivery From: Princess Celestia
Dear Save Delivery,
I deeply appreciate the efforts and assistance for Opal giving birth. From what I have heard that it was a hard one for the mother, and that as I am writing this, she is still taking rest to recover. Firstly, I want to give out my gratitude for having the patience and endurance to make sure that she does, in fact, give birth to a healthy colt.
Of course, I have run several spells to make for absolute certainty that there was no spell, charm or curse that was placed upon him. While I’m happy to say that Golden Dawn has come out clean, there is an urgent matter that must be addressed upon Opal’s wishes.
It should be imperative, if not of the utmost importance, that for the sake of Golden Dawn, that the identity of the father should remain a secret. From this moment onward, neither he, nor any of his decedents should ever know of their heritage. To speak the truth of the one who begets him is hereby forbidden upon pain of imprisonment.
For now, I have made my decision that Opal and Golden shall be adopted into the royal family. I feel that it is the least I could do considering the tremendous pain and misery that the mother was forced to endure in the Crystal Empire. The horrors of a mare like that in the arms of that monster stagers the imagination, and to defile her honor is a fate most terrible.
This is why this must be kept a secret from the child and his children. Not only for their protection if my subjects knew of their heritage but would be in eternal guilt for being in relation of the creature. Henceforth, the father’s name of King Sombra is hereby forbidden.
Signed,
- Princess Celestia of Equestria.
It wasn’t unusual for Prince Blueblood to lock himself in his royal apartment. If anything, it was almost expected by the castle staff and Royal Guards. Every so often, he would pout about over something that he didn’t like, stay in his room for a few hours to an entire day refusing to come out until he was over it or something came along to kowtow to his favor. A behavior that has stubbornly endured since his foalhood, no doubt. However, such behavior only became concerning if the doors to his apartment were shut and the drapes closed for at least four days. The first three were enjoyable by most of the staff and guards as they don’t have to be within spitting distance from him. That was until everypony realized that the Prince hasn’t been seen or have been yelled at by him did anyone became slightly concerned.
Or at least to check to see if he’s dead yet.
The unfortunate duty to make absolutely sure that His Highness was at least breathing fell upon Blueblood’s butler – Maxwell von Knecht. The charcoal black stallion without a mane could only be described as a stoic who has the patience and endurance of a saint. There are many things that are unknown of this particular butler such as where he was from or even how old he was. But the staff at Canterlot Castle do know a few things: he mostly speaks when spoken to; never smiles; expresses little emotion beyond his deadpan face, and is the only servant to never resign or be fired from the fickle prince.
On the morning of the fourth day, Maxwell knocked on the gilded double doors while the other servants watch with caution at a distance.
“Your Majesty,” he called out, “is everything alright in there?”
No response.
“This is Maxwell, sir. Is there anything that you require?”
Nothing made a reply.
“Sir, if you don’t open up right now, I’m going to use my key and come in.”
When he didn’t hear anything, he took out his skeleton key out from his breast coat pocket and unlocked the door. As he entered, he took notice of not only the darkness of the rooms but the noticeable mess that he took great care to step around. Whatever happened must have been a doozy as there were shattered mirrors, broken antique vases, scribbled drafts of emo poetry, discarded wrappers of sweets from the Prince’s emergency depression cabinet, and echoes of soft playing violin that was coming from a phonograph.
Maxwell navigated almost blindly towards the bedroom where he expected to find the Prince. Sure enough, on the bed where every pillow and blanket in the royal apartment was bundled up where Blueblood was wrapped up in like a sad burrito. The unicorn went over to the bed, gently poking him at his sides. Getting out a whiny groan from him.
“Well good morning to you too.” The butler deadpanned. “Unless you need me for something, I’ll go deliver the devastating news to the palace staff to tell them that you’re not dead.” Before he could leave, he heard some incoherent mumbling from underneath the sheets. “Beg your pardon, sir?”
The mound collapsed in which a distressed Blueblood emerged. Eyes redden and puffy. Stream of mucus ran down from his nose. Mane disheveled. On the whole, ugly enough to run away from but still hilarious to where one should have taken a picture before sending out to the news for a laugh. Maxwell couldn’t do either – he would lose his job.
“This is terrible…” Blueblood answered; his voice horsed. “The absolute worst possible thing.”
“What is? Did you find out you have cancer?” The prince shook his head. “A filly called you fat again? The Press had forgotten about you? Your aunts finding out what you do every second Saturday evening at the Giddy Up Club?”
The Prince looked up in horror from the last one. “How in Tartarus did you know about that!?”
“I’m your butler, sir.” Maxwell deadpan. “It’s my job to know everything about you. Including your secrets. So, judging from your reaction, that isn’t the cause of this depression.”
Blueblood sighed, collapsing into his mound of sadness. “I’m just going to pretend that the previous ten seconds didn’t happen. So essentially… I did some research not too long ago. About my genealogy. I’ve looked through our family’s secret library to trace how exactly I’m related to my aunts. Turns out, I’m not related to either of them, but someone far worse.”
“A peasant that won the ye old lottery?”
An eye twitched, but Blueblood didn’t fire him on the spot. Instead, he said one word. “Sombra.”
“Pardon?”
“Turns out, I am of royal blood, only not the right kind! This whole time, my family is all descendant of Equestria’s most brutal tyrants in history!”
Maxwell blinked. “Oh.”
This got Blueblood’s attention. “Oh? What do you mean ‘Oh?!’”
The butler straightens out his tie. “Simply put, considering that Sombra had tried to take over Equestria and the accounts are given about him… It strangely makes perfect sense, sir.”
Crawling out of the bed, the Prince stared at him, nearly deranged. “Explain?”
“From what I’ve heard,” he said calmly, “King Sombra was described as somepony that nopony had expected to be. Flamboyant. Petty. Narcissistic. Theatrical. Overly confident. I could go on, but I believe you got the idea. Mind you, these accounts I’ve heard are from the staff since we were away from Equestria when it all happened.”
“Right…” Blueblood rubbed his head. “But how exactly does any of this make sense to you?”
“It’s only an observation, sir, formed by the opinion of those that were under Sombra’s spell, that some made comparisons between the two of you.”
“But… That’s preposterous! That would indicate that I’m some sort of villain. Surely, that’s pure nonsense.”
Maxwell blinked. His dry expression still hadn’t changed. “Permission to speak plainly.” When he was granted out of the Prince’s curiosity, he said. “Sir, with all due respect, can you think back to any time in your life in which you did anything to help somepony because you wanted to and not out of obligation or reward? Or have not used other ponies to get what you want? Or not broken any hearts? Or even mutter out a thank you to anyone in this palace?”
For a very, very long time, Blueblood’s mouth hung open, as if ready to make a rebuttal but nothing came out. No matter what corner of his brain he searched for a counter-argument to make himself look good… he couldn’t find one. Not a genuine charitable act, an honest self-sacrifice, or anything that didn’t contain the word “Machiavellian” in it to describe the story of his life.
“I rest my case.” His butler waved a hoof. “Still, from my point of view, I’d say that this should be the perfect opportunity to learn something out of this.”
“Learn what?”
He shrugged. “That I’m afraid is not my place. Take the knowledge of your true family lineage as you will. A sort of when life gives you lemons, make triple lemon meringue cheesecake kind of thing. The real question that you would have to figure out is that now you’ve found out that Sombra is your ancestor, what are you going to do with this knowledge? Now, will there be anything you need, sir?”
Blueblood told him to bring up some coffee, prepare a bath and have someone clean this up before leaving by himself to think it over. And by the time that coffee was brought up, he had made up his mind.
‘If I’m related to a villain,’ he thought, ‘I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to at least give it a try to see if I’m good at being bad.’
Maxwell facehoof, hard, at what he was seeing. Although he knew perfectly well at what was strutting before a mirror, he still couldn’t believe the utter ridiculousness of it all. While some small part of him is grateful that the Prince is finally up and about after sharing what was troubling him, the butler couldn’t believe the result of what Blueblood was doing for the past several hours.
“Your Majesty,” he sighed, “what in the name of sanity are you wearing?”
“I’m going to try my hoof at being a villain,” the Prince replied, “I might as well try to put in the effort to look the part.”
“Yes, but why… that?”
Blueblood raised an eyebrow, looking down at the outfit he was wearing. Over his blood red blouse was a vest and suit that were made out of black leather and loosely hanging straps. On his back, a black opera cape draped over him but didn’t cover his cutie mark. His golden mane and tail were cropped tightly by red bands. “My tailor said that this brings about my dark and sinister look. After all, most villains often wore black to show how evil they are. Chrysalis, Terek, even my ancestor Sombra went around in dark co-”
“To be blunt,” Maxwell said, “it makes you look like a flamboyantly gimp vampire attending a B.D.S.M. leather club.”
“It’s supposed to strike fear.”
“As appose to laughter or possible arousal for some ponies?”
This comment went unnoticed. Instead, the Prince returned to the mirror with a critical eye. “I’m afraid that something is missing out of all of this. Something to really strike fear in my enemies. But what…?” He stared at his wardrobe intestinally, trying to figure out what exactly what else could with this new look. He knew that there was an essential element that could benefit what he was trying to achieve. It was staring him in the face, but what– “I got it! This costume is in need of a mask.”
“Should it be made out of black leather and covered in zippers?” His butler deadpanned.
“Tempting, but no. I’m thinking something that’s more graceful but striking. One that doesn’t mess up my mane in any way. Ah! I know just the thing. A simple face mask. Yes, that should do the trick.” Lighting up his horn, he pulled out of his vast walk-in closet to pull out a simple black mask that was enough to cover over his eyes. He smiled. “There. That is more like it.”
His butler facehoofed again.
“I think I want to give this a test run.”
This got a reaction out of Maxwell. Alarm broke through his usually stoic face. “What do you mean?” He asked quickly.
“I’m going to go out to the public to see if this strikes the hearts of those who gaze upon me.”
“You mean… now? Today?”
“No last week – of course now! I must show Canterlot that there’s a new prince in charge.”
“Your Highness, are you sure you want to do that? Today of all days?”
“Please Maxwell, a path toward villainy must start somewhere.” He said as he walked out the doors of his royal apartment. “I must show them that I am no longer Prince Charming, but one that has embraced his darker side.”
Despite ignoring his butler’s protests, the confident Blueblood marched out down the halls, descend staircases, across courtyards and over the drawbridge into Canterlot itself. He’d expected to cause fear among his subjects. He’d expected for ponies to flee in terror into their homes from this new villain that has risen. That there was nothing they could do to stop him from taking over the world.
That was until his perpetual expectations slammed against a parade of ponies in similar outfits. Up and down the street, lines upon lines of ponies from black leather to shiny rubber were marching proudly to loud music. Some carried with them whips and leashes while others with bright red ball gags in their mouths that some were walking funny. At first, the Prince was rather confused until he looked up at the banner above all of them.
Fetish Exhibition Pride Day
Before Blueblood’s realization sink in of how poorly timed his first appearance as a villain to Equestria was, some members of the crowd had immediately roped him in. Literally. Lassos pulled him into the crowd by a yellow pony in a Stetson and wearing a black leather jacket and matching chaps.
“Where do ya think yer goin’, partner?” the stallion purred. “No need ta be shy around these here parts.”
“I think there’s been a mistake.”
“Ah say there is.” The stallion that lassoed him said. “Goin’ about here without so much of a partner is no way ta enjoy the parade. Name’s Braeburn, by the way.”
“Release me at once! Can’t you tell that I’m Prince Blueblood you’re speaking to?”
“Yee-haw!” The crazy stallion in yellow cried out in joy before stuffing a ball gag into his mouth. “Ah knew Ah’d be gettin’ some tail tonight!”
“Mmph!?!” Blueblood cried but couldn’t protest with the gag in his muzzle.
“Hey Brae,” a voice called out from the crowd, the bound and gagged prince turned and his eyes widen to find Shining Armor in the parade with Cadence on a leash and a ball gag, “you finally got someone to have some fun with?”
“Yep!” he chirped. “This fella said the magic words and now he’s mine. And the best part is that Ah didn’t have ta do a thing!”
At first, Blueblood was confused by this until he noticed nearby a mare in latex asked a stallion if he wanted to come over to her place, to which he said, “I am Prince Blueblood.” And like that, a leash and a ball gag were being fixed on to him. He realized suddenly that phrase was actually some form of consent in this parade.
“Awesome,” Shining smile and nodded. “Hey, we’re thinking that after the parade, you guys can come over to the hotel. We’re having a party over there with the Crystal Guard that want to explore their fetishes. So what do ya say?”
“Oh!” Braeburn smiled widely. “Whoever doesn’t want ta bottom out all night say not it!” He raised his hoof. So did Cadence and Shining.
Blueblood whimpered.
The next day, a pair of the Solar Guard stood at attention at the drawbridge to the castle when a taxi pulled up to them. Out from the carriage, Blueblood slumped out of it. His mane and tail were frazzled, his eyes looked like they haven’t got a chance to sleep. His leather clothes, they noticed, was covered in some very suspicious stains and he walked very oddly, almost limping.
Both guards raised an eyebrow when they smelled something rather funky coming from the Prince that walked right by.
“What happened to-” One of the guards began to ask but was immediately cut off.
“Don’t… ask…” He hissed through his teeth and continued to limp on. “Have the servants prepare a day-long bath… I need it."
“So why didn’t you warn me there was a fetish parade yesterday?”
“To be fair, sir, I did try, but you were so preoccupied with showing the world how evil you look that you disregarded what I was going to say.”
Blueblood murmured something but sunk further into his pool-sized bathtub. His butler, meanwhile, was scrubbing his back with a brush.
“I’m surprised you were gone all night. Last I heard you ran into Princess Cadence and Shining Armor at the parade.” The unicorn hid his blush underneath the soap bubbled waters. “Along with some other fellow too.”
“Don’t remind me,” Blueblood said after he popped his head out enough to speak.
“Just one question sir, you know how to use the pepper spray and Taser spells, right?”
“Yes?” Blueblood raised an eyebrow. “What about it?”
Maxwell lifted the brush, holding it horizontally in his hooves. “I followed you to the hotel sir, and yes, overheard the uh… planned activities. I was wondering, that even with the gag on, how come you didn’t fight back or used any of the spells, or simply removed the ball to tell them that you didn’t want to go through with it?”
This only got a cold glare from the Prince before he sunk right back into the tube. “Shut up.” He muttered.
“It is not my place to make any commentary on your sex life, sir. Only to make sure that you weren’t violated, and to be certain that you’re not harmed in any way. I was rather worried when you came back in the taxi-”
“Firstly, they were cheap in not so much as getting a golden chariot for me to be carried back. Besides the stupid driver insisted that he can only drop me off at the front instead of the back – ugh, I didn’t want to be seen in such a state. So walking past those guards was so humiliating. Second, I don’t want to discuss this any further.”
“Yes sir.” The butler resumed in scrubbing the sulking prince. “So, have you learned anything so far, sir?”
“That it’s not enough to have evil clothing. Instead, I should focus on being evil. But how?”
“Well if you’re serious, sir, perhaps you out to try out doing small things first. Better to fail at the little things than to have your hindquarters be handed to you over something major.”
The Prince silently agreed. “That makes sense. Not big enough to be put on trial perhaps but still something that counts as evil. But how…”
Among the warm water, his mind searched out for something that would truly make his first steps as a villain. Maybe nothing as major as conquering the world perhaps – but still an act that would be considered bad in ponies’ eyes. Since he never really done something like this before, maybe he should something simple. Something that’s so easy that it would be like…
A thought came to Blueblood. It excited him so much that he suddenly stood up quick enough to splash water on his butler while shouting out: “EUREKA!”
It’s amazing how simple this plan was. All he had to do was to find some young foals – preferably infants that had one other item with them. With a pair of binoculars and his trusty palanquin, he was on the lookout for the old cliché to make its appearance for him to swoop and make life a little more miserable for someone that cries easily. His guards navigating through Canterlot Park, he spied out towards the playground, waiting to strike.
Then, over by the swings, he found it. A lanky stallion giving out a lollypop to a filly.
‘Perfect!’ Blueblood thought as he lit up his horn. Before the filly could so much as give it a lick, the colorful striped candy was suddenly plucked right out of her hoof. The lollypop hovered right above her head but high enough that neither he nor the stallion that gave the candy couldn’t reach it. The filly was screaming for the sucker to be given back, but Blueblood had a better idea, he let her chase it across the playground with the stallion following up to the palanquin where he opened a window so he could snatch it in his hoof.
“Give it back!” The filly whined. “That’s mine!”
“Correction,” the prince said, “it was yours, but now this is mine. And such a tasty looking treat too.”
“Put that down!” The lanky stallion called out, rushing towards the palanquin. “That’s for Cherry here!”
“Oh, and what are you going to do about it?” Blueblood asked, giving it a lick.
And just like that, he passed out.
The next thing Blueblood knew, he had woken up in his bed with Maxwell beside him. This confused him enough to utter, “Where the buck am I?”
“Ah, you’re awake. Took you a whole day but finally you’re awake.”
“A day! What just happened?”
“That depends, do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?”
Blueblood blinked. “Over what!?”
“Good news then.” Maxwell sighed. “Well, the good news is that you’ve managed to end up on the covers of most major newspapers in Equestria for stealing candy from a foal. The bad news is the real reason why you made it on there.”
The Prince sat up. “Explain?”
“Well as soon as you passed out, the one who was giving out the candy was immediately arrested by your guard. Turns out, he was a rapist pedophile that nopony was able to catch until now. That lollypop you licked contained enough sleeping medicine and tranquilizers to put a teenage dragon to sleep for surgery. If anything, you’re being hailed as a hero for intervening in an attempted abduction.”
“Oh you’ve gotta be-” Blueblood screamed a long string of obscenities into his pillow.
“Perhaps, sir, that maybe you’re not cut out for this vi-” the same pillow that the prince was using was thrown in his face.
“No! I’m not going to give up that easily!" Blueblood leaped out of bed. “It’s clear to me that I just need to try a little harder this time around. Now to the thinking couch! There is much to be brainstormed and I will not rest until I find something that will make me evil!”
In hindsight, he should have done this sooner. It was pure evil, it was simple, it was easy; and most importantly of all, it wasn’t illegal per-se. Although he has certainly have heard about the Elements of Harmony, even managed to meet a very select few of them in the past; the one called Fluttershy he was certain he never met. However, that didn’t mean that he was completely ignorant of her existence.
All he knew was that she lived in Ponyville, has a strange fetish to taking care of animals, lived up to her namesake, and was apparently very delicate when it comes to her feelings. Someone who if you say the right thing, you’d be able to make her cry. Which, he heard, was considered to be an act of pure evil. Just the thing he was looking for.
It only took a few minutes on a Pegasi chariot to get down to the backwater town known as Ponyville. However, thanks to the so-called “brilliant” directions from a crossed-eyed mare, the Prince found that it took even longer to locate where Fluttershy was. Eventually, he did find her in the overgrown garden known as the Animal Sanctuary. A place where he could only describe as part literal jungle gym and part rip-off of a tropical swimming pool. The mare he was looking for was tending to feed a white rabbit that was near the top of a waterfall.
‘About time,’ Blueblood thought as he approached the sanctuary. ‘One would think that it would be obvious that the animal lover would be in a place where she’s constantly surrounded by the untamed creatures. It’s tiring enough trying to find her in this unbearable heat, wandering around in a place populated by nitwits no less. Still, time to put my foolproof plan into action.’
He told his sweating, panting entourage to drop the palanquin, much to their relief. The prince’s guards then carried the Prince by a platform over the fresh dung and sleeping pony-eating creatures towards the sun colored mare at the top of the rocky structure.
“…. Yes, Angel, it does have extra carrots.” The mare insisted gently, pushing the bowl of salad towards the rabbit, its arms folded. “And I didn’t forget the cherry on top, it’s right there, see?”
But the bunny, proud as it can be, refused to even look at the bowl.
Blueblood raised an eyebrow and had a brief thought: ‘Is that my spirit animal?’ Yet shook his head and got straight to his evil plan as soon as the platform was sat down. “Are you Ms. Fluttershy?”
Immediately, the mare jumped in surprise, as if she didn’t notice the metallic clopping of hooves from his guards that were approaching her. She put a hoof over her heart. “Goodness me! I’m sorry, I didn’t know we had visitors.”
“Are you Fluttershy?” He repeated his question.
She nodded. “And you must be Prince Blueblood.” She gave a quick curtsy. “This is quite a surprise; I didn’t know you were coming to the sanctuary today. What brings you here, Your Highness?”
“Simply put,” he said, his horn fetching a scroll and a pair of reading glasses, “I’m here to insult you.”
The mare blinked. She looked over at the bunny who shrugged. “What?”
“I’m here to try out some of these to find out which ones would make you cry, and which ones have no effect. Shall we begin?”
She tilted her head in confusion. “Is this supposed to be a test?”
“Of sorts. But for now, on with the insulting.” He cleared his throat. “Let’s see what’s a good one to start out… ‘You’re a pushover cry baby that hides behind a wall of fluffy animals to make yourself feel better.’”
“Well, that’s kind of true. These animals always do help make me feel better every day.”
Blueblood frowned so he tried out another one. “What about uh… ‘Nopony would bother being friends with you unless you continuously make yourself look like the pitiful victim that needs saving.’”
“Not always necessary, but it helps.”
“…. Okay…? Uh… ‘Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.’”
“That’s only true on a Thursday.”
His eye twitched. Taking in a deep breath, he said, “Ma’am, I don’t think you understand how this works. I’m supposed to read something offensive; you get upset and cry because I’ve hurt your feelings.”
“But how can I do that when I’m not offended, or my feelings are hurt?”
“Well, there’s got to be something on here that should do the trick…” He looked through the scroll. Scanning for something that would really hurt her emotionally. “How about… ‘You’re so ugly that not even a blind coltfriend would go out with you.’”
“True, but Rainbow Dash doesn’t think so.”
“‘Your such a pushover that animals simply tap-dance over you?’”
“Only Angel Bunny does that.” She pointed to the perplexed white rabbit next to her.
“Uh… ‘I’m adopting your pets so they could be ground up as dog meat?’”
“Well, Mr. Honey does need extra food.” He pointed to the bear swinging on a hammock down below.
“‘I impregnated your mother?’”
“Oh goodie! I can’t wait to meet my new sibling.”
Blueblood lost his patients and tore up the scroll, growling in frustration. “Come on! I thought you cry at the drop of a hat!”
“I guess you must have heard wrong.” She smiled. “But I’m sure if you just keep on trying, you’ll eventually find something that should make me cry.”
The Prince stared at her, his eye twitching. “You’re just trolling with me now, aren’t you?”
“Oh no. I would never do that. In truth I am sensitive, but these things aren’t just doing the trick. But I’m sure that if you just keep trying, you’ll eventually find something that would hurt my feelings.”
There was an awkward silence between them before Blueblood broke it. “What are you? A masochist?”
She blushed. “Well… not exactly.”
“…. I’m not going to comment on that.” He turned around. “This is a waste of time.”
“Oh no, if you just keep trying-”
“What’s the point? My brilliant composition of insults didn’t work, why should me improvising do otherwise?” He said, kicking the bowl of salad over. “I’m going home.”
He stopped when his ears perked up, hearing the sudden whine and sob of the mare. “You monster!” She cried out. “I’ve worked all afternoon on that salad for Angel Bunny!”
“I don’t care.” The Prince said as he climbed back onto the portable platform, and just as he was about to leave, he turned around in time to see tears forming in the mare’s eyes. ‘Huh… that was easy.’
Just as the tears began to flow, the sky darkens, dread stunk the air all around them, and out from the ground, a giant crack formed in which a shadowy daemon with a booming voice echoed all throughout the valley: “FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS I LAID DORMANT! WHO DARES DISTURBS MY PRECIOUS FLUTTER- Oh it’s you.”
“Discord!” Fluttershy called out with waterfalls of tears flowing down. “He ruined Angle’s lunch!”
The mitch-matched creature circled around Blueblood. “Did you make my Fluttershy cry?” Discord asked in a low, serious voice.
“Uh-uh… N-No.” The Prince lied. “He did it!” He pointed at the rabbit.
Angel frowned.
Despite the guards trying to protect him from the Ex-Lord of Chaos, Discord shrunk his entourage to the size of ants. “Do you know what happens when someone – anyone – makes Fluttershy cry?” Blueblood shook his head. “Here, allow me to give a demonstration.” He said, saying the last word through his teeth.
The Prince gulped.
Maxwell blinked. “What happened?”
The doctor looked up from his clipboard, behind them were the double doors to the Emergency room where noticeable sounds of snaps and screaming were coming from. “He’s been twisted into a literal pretzel. A begrudging Ex-Chaos spirit came by the hospital dropping him off saying that Fluttershy told him to do it. Frankly, it’s amazing he’s even treatable at all.”
Another piercing scream, and the butler facehoofed. “Doesn’t he know there’s a reason why nopony could make Fluttershy cry on purpose now?”
“Well, that didn’t stop him. Ponies have done stupid things just to get attention.”
“Tell me about it.” Maxwell deadpan. “So what exactly is being done to his highness?”
“They’re arranging his skeleton back to its original position. It shouldn’t take long now.” He said casually when another snap and piercing scream was heard.
“Shouldn’t you give him a little anesthetic before doing this?”
The doctor raised an eyebrow. “Would you give an anesthetic to somepony that made Fluttershy cry? Besides, I’m sure he’ll be fine.” Another scream. “Eventually.”
So far, Prince Blueblood has learned a few things about being a villain – having a costume doesn’t make you one, stealing candy from a foal isn’t as easy as it seems, and never intentionally make Fluttershy cry.
With those in mind, he reasoned that perhaps doing easy petty crimes isn’t enough. That perhaps he should step up a level in his quest of becoming the next great villain in Equestria. Something that should declare to the world of his intentions of being bad. Something that would guarantee his spot of being notorious.
A simple robbery of the national treasury should do just nicely.
Tucked nicely and firmly inside the mountain itself, the national treasury has the façade of a classical Pegasi temple complete with all its columns, borderline obscene statues, and the perfectly proportioned cut marble that made it look as if it was all carved out of one piece. The inside of the treasury is a maze of vaults, accountant offices, Celestia’s secret napping place, and all carved out from solid garnet. Although it is lightly guarded, security isn’t an issue as there is a system of locks, doors, combination locks, secret panels, and arcane magic that are so complicated and time consuming for an outsider that the idea of robbing it seems preposterous.
Unless of course, one knew how the security worked inside and out.
For Blueblood, he already knew this stuff since he was fourteen-years-old.
“Explain to me, Your Highness, why we’re out here in the middle of the night in black ski masks?” Maxwell questioned as he and Blueblood approached the treasury from the shadows.
The Prince halted, his back against a wall, staying still as a guard with a lantern walked by. He waited until that guard was out of earshot to make his reply. “Isn’t it obvious? Since doing the simple acts of evil are clearly backfiring on me, I must step up and try out at something that’s truly sinister. We’re going to rob the treasury!”
His butler stared at him. “Did Discord do something to your head when he was twisting your spine?”
A pedicured hoof met his mouth with a hissing prince. “That name is forbidden within my presence.”
Maxwell pushed the hoof away. “It was a rhetorical question, sir. But back to the matter at hoof, how are you going to break into one of the most secure places in Equestria?”
“Simple, we sneak past the guards, I open all the locks, open up a couple of vaults and then make a run for it.”
The butler blinked. “I assume that I’m the one that will be carrying this money, sir?”
“Naturally.”
He sighed.
And so, waiting at the right moment, the two of them crawled in the shadows across the street, up to the white marble steps and up to the locked front doors. For the Prince, this wasn’t much of a problem as he has the keys to get past them and into the building itself. Past the grand foyer and pressing a button near a mirror, it opened up to the vain of the treasury. Once they were inside the maze of hallways, every so often the two of them had to stop in tense silence to listen to where a guard, making their rounds.
Maxwell increasingly doubted about the Prince’s so-called “photographic memory” of the inner bowls of the treasury. Sometimes he would stop in the middle of a hallway to insist on going the other way. Other times Blueblood paused as a secret passageway was bricked up before saying that he knew another way. Eventually, it got the point where Blueblood was randomly pushing buttons next to a locked door that required a number combination.
“Are you absolutely certain you know how to get into the vaults?”
“Shut up, Maxwell…” Blueblood said between his teeth, pressing buttons in hopes that at least something would give way. “I think they’ve changed it since the last time I was here.”
“And when exactly where you here?”
“It was last year, but I’m certain that they didn’t do any changes.”
“Especially on account of how King Sombra successfully invaded Canterlot that I’m sure didn’t have any effect on security measures, sir?”
Blueblood paused; his head slowly turned to face him. Although his face was still covered by the ski mask, he can still hear the intense annoyance and irritation behind the words: “Not… helping.” He then returned his attention to the perplexing buttons that refused to budge the door open.
Maxwell sighed, but his ears perked up as he heard hoofsteps coming from down the hallway. “Your Highness…”
“I almost got it,” Blueblood lied.
The hoofsteps were getting closer with every metallic clop of the guard’s boot.
“We have to go, Your Grace.” The butler whispered loudly.
The button pushing became more frantic as the steps were becoming louder as if doom itself was approaching them. He didn’t try to give up even when the light of a lantern was heading their way.
“Prince Blueblood?” The guard from behind the lantern asked. “What are you doing out here this time of night?”
In a panic, the Prince swiftly turned around, lifting his ski mask. “H-Hello! Fellow guard, I was just uh…” He nudged his butler to say something – anything remotely plausible.
With a sigh, Maxwell took off his mask. “His Majesty was asked to fetch a few things from the vault. Celestia insisted.”
“At three in the morning?” The guard questioned, putting his lantern down. Now that he walked past it, the two of them can see now that it was an orange Pegasus with a blue mane. “That seems rather out of character from her.”
“Auntie’s has come down with a case of… insomnia.” Blueblood replied with a forced smile. “I wasn’t sleeping well either, so she sent me on this little errand.”
“What’s with the ski masks?”
“Because it’s cold.”
The guard took a moment to consider this; he nodded. “Yeah, this place can get pretty chilly at night. The name’s Flash Sentry, by the way, so is there something you’re trying to get out from the vaults?”
Blueblood got an idea. “Actually yes. Auntie was hoping that I’d fetch the contents out of her personal vault and bring them to the palace. Something about bribing the nobles from complaining of how high their taxes are this year. Surely, you understand, right?”
Flash hummed in thought. “Seems legit. So, do you need any help getting in? We’ve changed a couple of things since Sombra took over Canterlot for a day.”
Maxwell immediately caught on to the Prince’s idea. “Would you be so kind in getting us to the vault itself?”
“Sure. Here let me get that for ya.” The guard went over to the button pad by the door and typed out the following combo: 07251974.
Just like that, the door opened.
Blueblood raised an eyebrow. “I don’t recognize that sequence of numbers.”
“Apparently it’s the birthday of the mother to the Princesses.”
“July twenty-fifth, one-thousand-nine-hundred-and-seventy-four?” The butler inquired.
“I don’t get it either,” Flash confessed as he led down the vast hallway with enormous rounded vault doors made out of steel. “But apparently it has sentimental value to the Princesses. Anyway, Celestia’s vault is just over here.”
A moment later they stopped at a particular door that had another pad of buttons. Flash pressed out the sequence of: 39914260 before he turned the wheel of the enormous steel lock open. Flash confessed that he didn’t know the significance of that combo either before he pulled on the round entrance wide open.
In the light of Blueblood’s aura, his eyes opened wide at the contents that were inside. Inside of the vault of the Aunt that raises the sun was a space that looked like it was out of a scene from the Saddle Arabian Nights. Not only were there piles upon piles of gold and silver coins and bars that he’d expected; there were also sacks of jewels, silks, statues, and other works of art. There were objects that were crafted with care and fitted with the largest gems that the Prince had ever seen.
The awed prince turned towards the other two ponies. “Did either of you know what was in here?” Both of them shook their heads.
“So… should I get you a push cart to carry this stuff out?” Flash inquired.
After looking around, Blueblood said, “Yes. Do that. And if you ran into anypony, just tell them that you were getting a few things.”
“Yes sir.”
That morning, headlines were shrieking on the front page that Celestia’s vault in the national treasury has been robbed. Photos showing an empty room and a mugshot of Flash Sentry, along with a story of how this incompetent guard has not only to lead the thieves into the vaults but assisted of carrying out the treasures too.
Blueblood, in his velvet housecoat nibbling on his breakfast, chuckled at the newspapers.
“Those fools never suspected a thing.” He sighed happily, folding the paper onto a tray. Turning to his Prench crapes, he waited for his aunt to come in to tell him of the tragic news that has happened. That she was now penniless.
It didn’t take long for Celestia to come into his private dining room.
“Good morning, auntie.” He greeted her as if nothing had happened.
“Something terrible has happened.” She said, “Have you read the news?”
“I have. They said that apparently somepony had broken into the national treasury and stolen the contents of your personal vault.”
“It’s unbelievable.” Celestia shook her head, worried. “My own personal stash is gone. I can’t believe somepony was able to break in and steal everything that I have been collecting.”
“Surely you’ll send someone to investigate,” Blueblood said before taking a bite of a crape. “Or at least trace the money that was probably in there.”
The Solar princess blinked. “Money?”
“Well, I would assume that if it’s your private vault, then you might have an enormous number of bits that were in there, right?”
Celestia blinked again. “Blueblood, what are you talking about? They didn’t steal my money from that vault.”
Blueblood paused. “They didn’t?” She shook her head. “What did they steal?”
“They took my candy stash, of course.” She explained. “It’s such a shame too, I was saving all that chocolate bits, bars, hard candy, fruit fabric and marzipan statues for Luna’s upcoming birthday.”
The Prince’s eye twitched. “You had a vault filled with candy?”
She nodded. “Well, I didn’t want to be kept in the palace, what if your auntie Luna discovers it? I admit that it’s incredibly frustrating that the palace chiefs would have to start all over again.”
“Huh… That’s… unfortunate.”
“Indeed. But at least nothing major was stolen. Bluey, are you alright?”
His eye continued to twitch involuntarily. “Yes Auntie. Now if you excuse me, I have some matters to attend to.”
The Prince immediately went straight towards his royal apartments and immediately inspected the “treasure” more carefully. The coins had gold and silver foil that wrapped pieces of chocolate. The bars were the same. The jewels were nothing more than hard candy. The elaborate fabrics were made out of fruit. The statues were made out of marzipan that had a soft caramel center.
Blueblood locked himself in his room and cried at the treasure that turned out to be worthless.
Underneath the pristine white marble of Canterlot Castle inside the forgotten caves of Mt. Canter, lay the catacombs. It is a place where sunlight is unknown; the howl of a breeze echoes out like moaning ghosts; the chirping of rats that feel in the darkness among the slushing water. Underneath the stone arches and the walls of bones of ponies forgotten to time – a table was already sat up. A round table covered with red cloth is illuminated by candelabras of black candles that gave the only source of light. Around this table are seven wooden chairs with only one occupant sitting down, waiting. A cloaked figure that had his face be covered in shadow, while a similar figure stood at attention behind him, just barely in the light of the candles.
The cloaked pony that was sitting down looked up as he heard the sounds of hoofsteps that bounced off the walls. A minute later, he spotted a shadow moving closer towards the light. He winched at the… hygiene of the Pegasus. A blond mane that was sloppily put up in a bun with a five o’clock shave over his light green coat. However, it was the pony he was expecting.
“Hey, is this the league thing?” the stallion asked. “I got your invite not too long ago; nearly turned it down on the account of me being such a genius at mane styling. But I figured this could be interesting.” He took a seat from one of the wooden chairs. “I must say, it’s a pain to get here but the decor is fantastic! Spooky.”
The cloaked figure didn’t respond.
From the other direction, the sound of wings flapping drew near before it stopped with an audible thump! Another shadow drew near. A dragon of red scales with an annoyed look marched up to one of the chairs. “This better not be a waste of my time,” he said, pulling said chair back to where he plopped down and let his hindlegs be propped up by the table. “I was told there was supposed to be free gems at the end of it.”
“This place is icky!” a young voice complained. A filly whined in the dark. “Do we have to come down here?”
“I don’t know,” another, older sounding voice replied, “do you want to be grounded for not joining a league of evil?”
“But mom, I’m a good guy no-”
“Not having me close down the school so you can be class president isn’t exactly a compelling redemption arch for a bully, isn’t it? Now don’t lag behind.”
Into the flickering candlelight, a mother and a thoroughly irritated filly stepped towards the table. The older mare was clearly a wealthy pony judging by the clothing, jewelry, mane and the nose that was done by a plastic surgeon. The filly only had a diamond tiara, with a pink coat that was a couple of shades lighter than her bossy mother’s. They too took a seat at the table.
Then the last two ponies arrived. If it wasn’t for the mustache, they would have seemed to be completely identical. From their red and white manes, the straw hats, and even the striped blue and white shirt were exact to the point that it was almost looking at a pair of clones. Even their chatter seems so closely similar that one of them could easily be talking to himself.
“…. And then I said, ‘Sorry, that’s what happens when you roll the dice.’”
“So true, brother of mine. So true. You would think that if they were gambling for four days they would have figured it out by then.”
“Good thing greed is there to keep them stupid.”
“Indeed.”
The two stallions took the last of the seats, next to each other.
“It looks like everypony is here.” The one without the mustache said. “And why are you wearing a cloak, Prince Blueblood?”
“Oh come on!” Blueblood pulled off the cloak off of him. “There was supposed to be a dramatic reveal! I had a whole speech planned and everything.”
The dragon pulled out a card that was decorated in gold. “Yeah, here’s a tip: if you’re going to go for a surprise, don’t put your name on the invite.”
“I have to agree, sir.” The second cloaked figure behind Blueblood said. Maxwell pulled off his hood. “All purposes of being mysterious are eroded quickly if you used the standard cards that came with your name already.”
“Why are we here?” The youngest filly questioned. “Especially in a place that looks like something out of a horror movie.”
“I don’t know.” The blond Pegasus mused. “If you’re going to go with a secret meeting place with some shadowy overlord, I’d think this must be the place.”
“But we’re not here to discuss the décor that’s suited for Nightmare Night.” The twin brother without the mustache said. “Perhaps before we get down to whatever business this is, maybe we ought to at least introduce ourselves.”
“He’s Flim and I’m Flam,” the one with the mustache said. “We’re the famous Flim Flam Brothers.”
“Subtle.” The mare with the plastic nose deadpanned. “Well my name is Spoiled Rich, this ungrateful child is Diamond Tiara.”
“Zephyr Breeze.” The light green Pegasus answered, kicking back and letting his hind hooves rest on the table, his forelegs holding his head.
“Garble. Don’t expect me to make any pony friends.”
“And you all know who I am,” Blueblood said. “So, know that you’re all here, I will skip the pleasantries and get straight to the point.” He leaned forward. “I have carefully hoofpicked all of you because of the skills you all have to bring about revenge against those that have humiliated us time and time again. You with never to woo Rainbow Dash. You with being pestered into a friendship from Spike. You two with those Cutie Mark Crusaders. And you two… well… just Equestria in general.” The brothers shrugged. “And I with my Auntie Celestia. Well, I think the time is coming in which we can finally overcome them to get exactly what we want.”
“Well spit it out!” Garble shot at him. “What’s this about?”
“It’s all very simple.” Blueblood clopped his hooves together. “The mission to get all that we want is to start a world war!” He finished with a smile.
The catacombs were very quiet at first. The occupants around the table were stunned into silence. At first, the prince had thought that his ultimate plan of becoming a villain was so brilliant that the simpletons were in awe at his brilliance. That was until all of them objected at once. A jumbled mess of complaints was shouted and vibrated off the walls of the catacombs that it was hard to hear what anyone was saying.
Sighing, Maxwell took out a thin whistle out from his breast coat pocket and blew on it hard; letting out a high pitch, pricing note that made everyone cover their ears. Now silent, the butler cleared his throat. “Perhaps all of you could state your opinions one at a time?”
“Are you insane?!” Diamond Tiara was the first to make her voice heard. “All this talk about how you want to help us get back at a couple of ponies and your solution is to start a war?”
“I have to agree with the kid.” Zephyr raised a hoof. “Not that I don’t want to have Rainbows as my special somepony, but to have the entire world go to war seems a tad extreme, isn’t it?”
“Uh yeah, and more importantly,” Garble leaned forward towards the prince, “Why?”
Blueblood took in a deep breath. “I don’t think any of you are sensing the opportunity that’s being presented to you.”
“How is starting a war an opportunity?” Spoiled questioned.
“And how exactly would you need us to do it?” Flam inquired.
“That’s a good point,” Flim rubbed his chin in thought, “if you’re a politician, can’t you just declare war whenever you want?”
Clearing his throat, the prince stood up. “I’m afraid that it’s not that simple. Even those like Celestia can’t declare war willy-nilly. There must be a very good reason to sent countless young ponies off to be slaughtered by the millions while spending even more bits to keep it going. But starting a war isn’t a bad thing to those that can benefit from it. Especially all of you.”
All of them raised an eyebrow. “Like what?” Spoiled asked.
“Think about it,” he walked over to the dragon, “if the entire world goes to war, not only would it give the dragons an excuse to do something violent, but it would justify your hatred with ponies so you might go in and start burning towns and villages to the ground.” Then over to Spoiled and Diamond, “If Equestria were to go to war, there would be lives lost, yes. But if those numbers included the Elements of Harmony, especially to those like say… Applejack or Rarity, their little sisters would be so devastated at their loss.” Then to Zephyr. “If there’s a war, there would be an opportunity for heroes to come forth to save the day. I mean, just imagine how attractive you would be if you came back as a war hero to Rainbow Dash; she wouldn’t see you as a loser at all.” And finally, to the twins, “If it erupts, the economy would demand that certain things would have to be cut back for the sake of the war effort. But such dire circumstances would create golden opportunities for those who not only sell the knock-off brands of everyday items such as food, fabrics, medicine, etc… but also for new ideas of weapons to be capitalized on.”
Shifty eyes looked at one another as the six of them considered the benefits.
“Let’s pretend we agreed,” Flam said. “How precisely would this war start? Let alone a world war.”
Blueblood smiled as he sat back down. “In two weeks, there is a very important summit coming up. One in which all the world leaders will be there and their colleges. The reason why this is so important is to not only establish wider, freer trade but to piece together international peace. However, in order for this to work, each leader from each nation must uphold respect, sensitivity, and civility to each other without anything going wrong. Given how different each leader’s idea of what all of those things are, it can easily go wrong if it’s unintentional. But what would happen if it was?”
“So, in other words,” Zephyr thought aloud. “You want this summit thing to go horrifically wrong on purpose?”
“Exactly.” He nodded. “But for that to happen, I must have the expertise of companies, the brutality of a dragon, the precision of bullies, the bad tastes of a manedresser, and the cunning brilliance of a prince that has connections. So what do you say?”
They all hesitated.
Until Maxwell added. “Did we mentioned that you’ll be given a castle filled with treasure and ice cream if you agreed to join in?”
Near the town of Rainbow Falls, there is a resort that was chosen as the spot for the peace summit. During the winter months, tourist often comes to the property to ski down the slopes and have a relaxing place to warm up inside its wooden walls. It was the kind of place where the wealthy tend to go to as it sat on the edge of the mountain, and partly because of the cozy atmosphere the interior is. Large enough too, where the resort acts as a hotel that charges ridiculous large amounts per night.
But most important of all was that it was secluded and safe. An ideal place to house all the world’s leaders in one location. With guards on the paths towards the resort and Pegasi above, this all seemed perfect to discuss the destiny of every nation in the world. But for one group, it was perfect place to spark an all-out war.
Underneath the resort, was where the League of Cringe met up one last time. The Flim Flam brothers toiling away at making a few minor adjustments to a contraption with fans and pipes connecting to the resort’s floor. Blueblood reclined on a couch that Maxwell had to drag up the mountain. Garble was pacing around to relive the boredom of waiting. And then the next ponies to arrive were Spoiled and Diamond, both of whom carried saddlebags.
“So,” Blueblood inquired, “do you have them?”
“Naturally,” Spoiled said, putting down her bag and withdrawing from it one of the glass jars. In her hoof, she showed the league the contents of a swirling purple gas. Diamond did the same, only she held up a jar of some clear liquid. “So, I hope that we have a way to get in first?”
“I found the entrance to the kitchens,” Garble told them, holding up a key. He paused for a moment to look around, “Hey, where’s that hipster pon-”
A whistle was heard, and they turned to find the green stallion in golden-plated armor holding a spear. “Luckily for me, I held on to this from my previous job. You all got to admit, it is a rather convincing disguise, huh?”
“Okay, good.” Blueblood nodded. “So, do all of you remember the plan?”
“I think it’s rather straightforward.” Garble said, “Right before the conference thing, I’d let these two,” he pointed at the rich ponies, “into the kitchen where they could spike the punch and the snacks with… whatever’s in that jar. While that stuff gets served around, the twins here screw on that other jar with the gas where it… uh… what does it do again?”
“It’s quite simple, really,” Flim answered, putting down his wrench. “Separately, the contents in these jars are harmless. The liquid is pretty much odorless and tasteless, while the gas doesn’t have any smell to it.”
“But when combined,” Flam finished his brother’s thought, “especially within the same vicinity, anyone who consumes the liquid and breathes in the gas should induce pure rage. Manors forgotten, civility cast aside, and they’ll start tearing one another up there.”
“Of course, we would need to get out of there in time.” Spoiled pointed out. “Not to mention that every one we need to go into a rage has consumed the snacks. Which is why,” she sighed, begrudgingly pulled out from her saddlebag a servant’s uniform. “we shall distribute the potion.”
“Okay, but what do I do?” Zephyr asked.
“Ah!” Blueblood got up from the couch, “You sir, have an extremely important job to do. For you see, right over there,” he pointed towards a flight of stairs, “is directly underneath our escape route. I will be in the corner of the lounge, observing everyone consumes the tainted treats when the time comes for the meeting to begin, I will signal them to follow me out. Now, you must stand right over there, partly to guard these brothers and, more importantly, to receive the signal for them to pump the gas when we’re out of range. From there, we wait until the fireworks go off, as if were.” The prince chuckled at his joke.
“Uh-huh…” Garble raised an eyebrow. “So, when this war thing gets started, we get our castles, right?”
“Huh? Oh yes, sure, whatever. Now then!” The Prince started to walk away. “You all know what to do, so have at it.”
“Now wait a minute,” Diamond Tiara interjected, “what are you going to do?”
“I’m the distraction, of course. Just go into the kitchen, serve them the poison, and I will take care of it all from there.”
Blueblood trotted up the stairs, onto a porch and through a glass door where he entered the crowded lounge area. All around the rustic decorations, the firepits, the comfy furniture was various creatures lively chatting to one another with the leaders and the delegates of the nations they represented. Here the King of the Changelings was catching up with the current Dragon Lord. There a Yak ambassador conversed with small talk with the chief of a Zebra tribe. By the bar, Celestia was laughing with a group of Buffalo, by the framed pictures the Hippogriff Queen was giving her artistic opinion to a Kiren.
The prince took his place in the corner of the room, waiting for Spoiled and Diamond to enter with the tainted snacks. It was then that Maxwell came up to him, looking over his shoulder to make sure that he wouldn’t be overheard before speaking to him softly. “Your Highness, are you absolutely sure you want to follow through on this?”
“This is my one last shot at becoming a villain,” he told his butler. “If anything, this here must be the evilest scheme ever devised. All these leaders that come together for creating peace, will soon be practically killing one another. War will be inevitable, and with the upcoming bloodbath, it will start a conflict that will last a thousand years.”
His butler replied dryly, “And you don’t see this backfiring in any way shape or form?”
“How could it be? I made this one foolproof.”
“Didn’t you say the same thing with the other plans you-”
“This is different!” Blueblood exclaimed, quickly realizing that his sudden outburst had caught the attention of several other leaders nearby. He awkwardly smiled at them until they returned to whatever they were discussing. “The rage gas will do all the work for me. All we had to do is give them the liquid to ingest and breath in the gas to spark it all. He-he, I’m going to go down as the cleverest, infamous villain in history.”
His butler sighed, “Let us see how this one blows up in your face.” Maxwell remarked before walking away.
The prince, instead of growing a brain to suspect that something might be off, brushes it off and acts casual while Spoiled and Diamond came with trays of the snacks. Of course, Blueblood never touched any of the snacks while making some small talk with a few of the leaders there.
Eventually, Celestia came up to him. “Are you excited, Blueblood?” she asked. “All these years and the effort of securing a better future is about to come true.”
“Oh, quite right, Auntie,” he replied, “I can barely believe it myself that they have come far and wide for the sake of peace.” Blueblood added with a wider grin, “I hope that nothing goes wrong.”
“Don’t you worry,” Celestia patted his head, “all the work and effort you put into negotiations have helped tremendously to get us to where we are now. Not just with getting the Yaks here, but Griffons, Dragons, Deer, and so much more to come to the table.”
“Oh, I agree,” Blueblood nodded, “traditionally creatures and nations who favored isolation and violence, now here to open up trade and peace. Such a marvelous thing, isn’t it?”
“The ultimate gift to the world.” Celestia smiled. “It looks like we’re about to start soon, let’s go take our seats.”
“Actually, auntie, I just remembered that I left some very important papers back in my chambers. You go ahead and I will be there soon enough.”
Once Celestia had turned her back and was making her way – along with the others – into the meeting room, Blueblood signaled for Spoiled, Diamond and Garble that it was time. He waved at them to follow him, and they exited out. As soon as they were outside, Blueblood leaned over to the railings where Zephyr was waiting. “It’s time!” He tells him, “Have them turn on the gas!”
Zephyr turned around to go underneath the resort, and by the time they walked to where the con-ponies and the armored Pegasus was, the machine was already turned on to pump in the jars of gas into the ventilation system.
“So what do we do now?” Diamond asked.
“Patience, all of you,” Blueblood said. “Now that all of you have done your jobs, we just need to wait for a little while until the real chaos starts.”
“For how long?” Garble questioned.
“Oh… I assume that a riot should start within the first five minutes at most. But I don’t think it should take very long. War will begin very soon. We just have to be patient.”
And so, the League of Cringe waited.
And waited.
And waited some more…
But although they listened and anticipated for any sign of commotion from above them – for a sign of violence such as fire or something penetrating the floor. Yet, much to their confusion and increasing frustration, it was strangely silent.
“Uh…” Flam looked between them and the machine. “Are you sure that the gas we’re pumping in isn’t poisonous in any way?”
“It isn’t anything deadly,” Diamond replied, “If anything, Zecora told me that the gas itself isn’t harmful.”
“What’s taking them so long?” Garble asked. “Did something happen up there?”
There was a pause.
“So…” Flim inquired, “Should one of us go up there and look or…?”
Suddenly, there was the sound of someone clearing their throat. Seven pairs of eyes turned to find the Butler; his head covered in lipstick marks in various shades while his tuxedo was barely holding on together. “Maxwell?” Blueblood blinked, “What happened to you?”
After breathing deep through his nostrils, he replied, “I think a better question would be what didn’t happen to me. As I was caught in the cross-fire.”
“What are you talking about?” Zephyr questioned. “If you ask me, it looks like you had already gotten yourself some tail.”
“That would mean that I wanted it,” Maxwell told him, taking a white handkerchief out of his breast coat pocket to try to clean himself with it. “If anything, I was lucky to escape with my life.”
“You mean it worked?” Blueblood asked excitedly, “They’re tearing one another into shreds like a slasher movie?”
“Look at me,” the butler deadpanned, “you would think that my appearance should give you a clue. No, not one of them is in a rage, if anything, they’re in the process of doing the complete opposite.”
There was an awkward pause, “So…” Flim raised a hoof, “when you say the complete opposite, are you implying-”
“No, I’m insisting that instead of the bloodbath you were all anticipating, they’re in the middle of some intense… uh…” he looked over to where Diamond Tiara was, and after carefully choosing his next words, he said, “Group… lovemaking. Which I’m sorry to say, Celestia is a part of it.”
While most of the league had their jaws hung wide open, Blueblood’s eye was twitching. “You… did you sabotage this?!” He pointed an accusing hoof at Maxwell who didn’t flinch. “You knew that this would backfire somehow, so did you replace the gas with something else!?”
“He didn’t,” much to everyone’s surprise, Diamond spoke up with confidence, “I did.”
“What!?” Spoiled exclaimed. “Diamond! What did you do!?”
“Growing a brain, for one.” She replied. “I told you that I’m a good guy now, mom! I didn’t want to be dragged into this and specifically told you that I didn’t want to do this. But nooo, you insisted that I should go along with this whole evil plan thing. Well, guess what? I refuse! And I didn’t ask Zecora for any rage gas, but for one that contains pure affection in its purest form, so that way, no one will have to go to war.”
Diamond found herself being lifted off the ground and being face to face with an irate Blueblood, “Are you telling me,” he said through his teeth, “that you sabotage my one shot at becoming a villain simply because you didn’t want to?”
“Well, I see it as a better reason than whatever yours is.” She replied, “Perhaps, you should probably do what I have already done.”
“Oh yeah? And what’s that?”
“Grow up.” In that stunned silence she laid on, “I’m done being a bully because mom happens to be one.”
“Wow…” Garble commented, “for someone who isn’t a dragon, that burns.”
The filly was snatched out of the unicorn’s magic by her mother. “You are grounded, little missy.” She said, picking her up by the scruff of her daughter’s neck.
As they walked away, Diamond remarked, “I so cannot wait for you and dad to divorce.”
After they were gone, the twins looked at one another. “Well, this was a waste of time,” Flim said. His brother agreed, “We could have spent it better trying to take over Las Pegasus.”
“Yeah, I’m done with this,” Garble spread his wings and flew off. “Later losers!”
The Prince looked over to Zephyr who let his spear fall to the ground. “Yeah, I’m getting bummed out vibes all over. Later.” With that, he too spread his wings and fly off.
Now all alone except for the butler, Blueblood turned to him. “Maxwell, draw me a bath to drown my disappointments in.”
Several hours later inside the royal sweet of the resort, a knock was heard on Blueblood’s door. Maxwell answered it to find Celestia there, only she looked much more relaxed, if not a bit tired. The butler bowed to her. “Your Highness?”
“Is my nephew around?” She inquired. “He seemed to have disappeared altogether from the meeting, so is he here?”
“Yes, Your Majesty. The Prince has just gotten out from his bath, finally.”
“Bath?” Celestia blinked. “I thought he told me earlier that he was coming here to fetch some papers.”
“Would you like to come in, Princess? I’ll have him out soon enough.”
She thanked him before disappearing behind a door that no doubt was the bathroom. Celestia waited for a couple of minutes before her nephew walked out in a bathrobe, dejected. The alicorn tilted her head, “Bluey? What’s wrong?”
“How about – everything?” He said, flopping on the bed face first.
The Aunt goes over to him, sitting next to the bed. “What happened? The peace summit was a success – all things considering – so what has gotten you upset?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” Blueblood replied. “How about my costume didn’t strike fear, stealing candy from a foal ended up making me a hero, my spine got twisted into a pretzel for making Fluttershy cry, robbing from your vault was pointless as it has nothing but candy, and now my League of Cringe has turned on me of creating a thousand years of world peace instead of a war! Why else would I be upset!?”
Celestia blinked… and blinked again.
Maxwell coughed, “Well, this escalated quickly. May I be excused?”
“Uh… yes.” Celestia told the butler, who bowed again and left the room. Now turning towards an irritated Blueblood, she asked. “I don’t understand, all of that was you? Why are you doing this for?”
The Prince looked up at her, “I found out that I’m not related to you or Auntie Luna. As it turns out, my royal bloodline is a lie.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Golden Dawn, he was adopted by you. His biological father was Sombra.”
“Oh…? Oh!” Celestia suddenly realized what he was talking about. “I knew that this would happen one day. Bluey, when did you find this out?”
“About a month ago, give or take.”
“Then how come you didn’t come to me about it?” She asked, “I could have explained-”
“What’s there to explain? My ancestor was the nightmare of the Crystal Empire. And I’m some great-great-great-great-something grandson of a tyrant. Which is evident given my behavior is so alien to yours. I know I’m not a saint, and all I’m good at is to make other ponies lives miserable. So why not become a villain? Well, turns out, I’m not good at doing that either! I can’t steal candy from a baby right. I can’t insult the most sensitive pony imaginable. I can’t rob a bank. And I can’t even start a world war! If I’m not good at that, then at what?” He finished his rant by flopping headfirst into a pillow to cry in.
His aunt put a hoof over his back, “There, there.” She said, “You didn’t have to resort to this. Yes, Golden’s father was a monster, but as I watched him grow up into a stallion, he was nothing like Sombra. And you know why? I raised him so that he would become better than the previous generation. With you, you don’t have to do all this because you already know what you’re good at – a brilliant ambassador that has to lend a hoof to bring the world closer than ever before. I mean… Queen Novo’s tongue alone was-”
“Antie!” Blueblood exclaimed, “I don’t think I need to hear that. Or whatever happened at the ‘meeting,’ as I think I got a pretty good idea what went on there.”
“Ah, right,” she cleared her throat, “what I’m trying to say is that whatever your ancestors have done in the past, they don’t dictate what you would become. And unlike Sombra, you became something else then he ever was.”
Looking up to his kind-eyed aunt, the Prince asked her. “Yes? And what is that?”
“You became a douchebag.” She said happily, patting his back, “Now let’s go get some cake.”
