A human who lands in Equestria finds himself being misunderstood by the locals because he speaks too many languages
Meet James.
James is your average working class young adult human male. This is where his normalcy stops. Jimmy or Jim, as he is known to his friends back home, wound up in Equestria due to no fault of his own and every fault of a certain unicorn. cough coughStarlight Glimmercough cough
James is understandably upset by his situation, but it only gets better from here. Apparently, his exposure to Equestrian magic has resulted in at least five other human languages to be imprinted into his brain, and he switches to them whenever he has any sort of emotional outburst.
What follows is a comedy of errors as our living Tower of Babel tries to find a new life for himself, avoid being harrassed by the local mares who think he is not being a proper stallion, and just maybe find love. Oh, and did I mention his mild autism? Yeah. He has that too. Very softly on the spectrum.
So join us, on this endeavor of Fate and romance, as James explores the intricacies of reversed gender roles, third genders, magic, diarch societies, insane romances, bizarre bodily appendages, breaches of the fourth wall, ideas and virtures given physical form, and classical music.
WARNING: The following fic contains anthros, futanari, gratuitous pornography, anal worship, breast worship, light bondage, enlarged penises, light femdom, public nudity, and other fetishes in which chapters shall be marked.
Set in an Reverse Gender Role Equestria, where three out of the four ponies are mares, and half of said mares are futanari mares.
NOTE: All alternate languages are translated into English for the benefit of all readers and Pinkie Pie.
It is perhaps one of the basic necessities of communication. When everyone speaks just one, and that one is all they ever hear, they take it for granted.
In the world of humans, there are hundreds, possibly thousands of languages, and in the old days, educated people were expected to learn to speak at least six fluently, and usually learned ten to be safe. Although modern times have reduced the number of languages required to learn to be successful, knowing more than one language not only is a mark of intelligence, but also a gesture of respect to the people who speak that language natively, and secondary languages are usually recommended in many schools.
In the realm of Equus, there is only one language typically spoken. Everyone from the diamond dogs digging in their mines to the Princesses of Equestria in Canterlot speak the same tongue. Although there is some holdovers and differences of dialect, everyone can understand each other.
These distinctions are perfectly normal for their respective universes. And the two worlds would never have met, and the ponies would never have had to deal with more than one language, until Fate stuck its finger into the pie one day ...
**************
Pain. And the smell of forest. That was the first two sensations that came to my mind when I woke up. Sitting up slowly, feeling the ache all over my body from ... whatever had happened, I tried to make sense of the situation. What had happened? Where was I? Sitting up, I held my head as it throbbed. I had no memory of how I had ended up here. All I knew was that first I was at home, then ... I was here. Had I been kidnapped and dumped somewhere to die? I was still clothed at least. So, that was a good sign.
Groaning, I roll onto my front and shuffle onto my knees and hands, slowly standing up. That simple act told me I had no significant damage, so I could at least look for shelter or find help if there was civilization nearby. Taking in my surroundings, I noticed the trees were conifers, so that meant I was in a northern type climate of sorts: short summers, long, cold winters. Or so I assumed. Still, given I was still warm meant that it was probably summer or at least a warm time of the year.
Crap. I tapped myself in the head. I really needed to stop overthinking things. Wherever I was, I needed to find shelter, food, and water. Not really in that order but all three were required. So I set off to find those three items. No point in staying here when it was clear this was unfamiliar territory after all.
It took all of an hour for me to find a way out of the forest. And lo and behold! A town! I sighed in relief. At the time, I was thinking that whomever had kidnapped me, if that had happened, must not have been too smart. Just an hour outside of a town? What were they thinking? Feeling far more confident, I began to stride towards the town, possibly ask the locals where I was.
As I got closer, I began to notice that ... things were wrong. For one, the people were all ... very garishly colored. As in, any sort of color someone less than six years old would vomit up on MS Paint. For another, most of them were either completely naked or scantily clad, and the few who were clothed didn't seem to be caring about their birthday suited neighbors. The final item of interest?
None of them were human.
I could only stare. Was I hallucinating? Did someone drug me? I pinched my face and my arm several times, and even picked up a fistful of grass and sniffed it. Nope. The grass wasn't making pretty colors and smelling like bass notes. So that meant what I was seeing was in fact, very real. Which was suddenly very concerning.
I could already start feeling my brain shut down. I was starting to panic. My thoughts began to loop. I sat there on the path and tried to calm down as this ... this new set of information flooded in and demanded attention. My distress attracted attention though. A couple of visibly female locals came over, asking if I was alright. I didn't respond at first, still in my shut down state. They decided to take matters into their own hands and picked me up, and I robotically walked with them to the local clinic.
Here, I was able to calm down a bit as a male wearing a nurse's outfit began checking me over. As he was examining me, I was looking at him. What I could identify was the following:
His face resembled a horse or pony.
He stood on two legs, and walked as a biped should.
His hair, aside from the fur on his skin, was a mane.
His fur was a sapphire blue, but his mane was a bright pink.
He had a tail that was the same color as his mane.
And finally, he had a horn.
With all this established, I was able to piece together what he might be: some sort of anthro unicorn. I found my voice again.
"Where .... where am I? What are you?" He was startled as he heard me talk.
"Uh, you talk? Well, you're in Stalliongrad." He had an accent I thought sounded Russian.
"I have never heard of a Stalliongrad in my life. Still, I am definitely not drugged or concussed, but I am not feeling too good." I said.
"Are you hurt? I didn't see any injuries." The nurse said.
"It's none of that. My heart is squeezing my chest and I want to just curl up and scream." I said bluntly.
"Oh. You're scared. Well, let me leave you alone for a bit." He pulled a blanket over me and set a bottle of water next to my bed as he left. I appreciated his gesture of being left alone, and eventually I sipped the water as I curled up a bit. Thoughts raged through my head, and I focused on unscrewing and screwing on the bottle cap. I knew I was panicking, and this was a bad one. My hospital environment did nothing to help, and my heart was beating in my chest like a jackhammer. My paranoid brain was running around my skull like a screaming mouse, shouting doom and death like a street soothsayer.
I had to focus. I remembered a little trick one of my friends taught me. I began counting lights on the ceiling, letting my logical side focus on that rather than the horrible situation I was in. It was not easy. At all. I knew that I was either having a terrible fever dream, or I was really in an alien world.
That last bit was too terrifying to comprehend. I began to cry, unable to hold it off as I realized I was completely marooned on a world I had no idea about, and with no way home. I buried my face in the pillow and wept like a scared, hurt child.
I might have stayed that way for hours had it not been for the fact my arrival had already been detected. And help was on its way. I heard women shout at the doctors and then I heard hooves running across the tiling. And then I was met by pink and purple. And oddly, the colors were relaxing.
This was my first interaction with Pinkemena Diane "Pinkie" Pie, and Princess Twilight Sparkle. And it was both the most insane yet the best thing that could have ever happened to me.
"Hi! We came as soon as we could." The pink one bobbed around, all smiles and joy. She introduced herself and Twilight, the latter of whom was a short distance away, waiting for Pinkie as this was her expertise.
"Huh?" I said unintelligently.
"Oh! Yeah, your coming here was a big oopsie, and we got here to help you." I also noticed she was deliciously chubby in all the right places. Especially her breasts. And she was tall too. I was starting to blush as I took all this in.
"An oopsie?" I asked her.
"Well," Twilight spoke at last, "that's a long story." I found she was this tall Amazonian figure, dressed only in a thin, Roman style dress that did absolutely nothing to hide her almost sculpted form. And here I noticed she had something else: a huge set of testicles and a sheathed penis. This confused me. Wait ... was she ... a futanari? I brushed the question in my mind to one side before I got awkward.
Twilight had ignored my staring at her sack. "Well, my personal protégé, Starlight Glimmer, was experimenting with a spell."
"So this is a magic based reality?" I asked. Now that I was analyzing the situation, my panic was abating. My brain was wrapping around as many cold hard facts as it could.
"Why yes. Yours isn't?" Twilight asked.
"Magic is merely deception and no actual magic is involved where I am from. It seems I hopped the boundaries between universes." I theorized.
"Well, hopped is the wrong term. You were pulled." Twilight said with a rueful expression.
"By who?" I asked. "Your apprentice?"
"Well, yes. Her name is Starlight Glimmer. She was ... well, asking for a boyfriend and all I could say was find him yourself. Males are rare here, only one in ten in the populace around here. Seems she ... must have used a spell to get one."
I stared in shock. After a long moment of silence, I lost my lid. First I was an icy calm.
"Are you telling me... that I was yanked across time and space and reality, just to satisfy some dumb bitch and her fetish?" I asked dangerously.
"Well ... I wouldn't put it that way..." Twilight said nervously. "But that's ... about right."
That was when I went Krakatoa. And I began cursing. But what I said was ... well, I understood the words, but it was like I had an internal universal translator.
Because I was cursing in Russian. And I shouldn't have known a word of it.
"YOU INBRED TRAIN STATION WHORE! I HOPE YOUR KIDS SHIT IN YOUR SOUP FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! YOU AND YOUR SO CALLED STUDENT ARE A PAIR OF WALRUS DICKS!" I shouted. Twilight was baffled. But the color seemed to drain out of Pinkie's face and her poofy hair went flat as if it had been ironed. The Princess looked her way.
"Um, what did he say?" She asked, darkly curious.
"You really don't want to know Twi Pie. And I instantly regret reading it." The pink pony said with a shiver. "Subtitles are really not fun."
I blinked at her. "What? What are you talking about?" I asked in confusion. Then I went cross eyed as I tried to figure out what I was doing. "Wait, why am I speaking in Russian? I shouldn't know a word of that. Yet I seem to know it like I have been speaking it all my life."
"Maybe the spell had some sort of side effect on your brain?" Pinkie asked, tilting her head.
"At least you can translate." I told her with a look of sympathy. "I am still very upset about this. I just hope Russian is all I have aside from my native English."
"I doubt it, but we can work through it." Pinkie assured me and she gave me a hug. It helped me feel better. And I reluctantly returned it.
Little did I know, Pinkie would become my touchstone to sanity.
After much discussion and an argument with the doctors and I, Twilight managed to convince me to come to her home town of Ponyville. She also explained that she had learned of my arrival both from Starlight herself and something she called the "Cutie Map" (whatever that meant), and she had been en route since I had first appeared in the forest outside of Stalliongrad.
Boarding the train was quiet thankfully, but I had been far more aware of the either near total or complete nudity of the locals. I asked Twilight about this when we were on our way. Via Pinkie of course. I was still speaking Russian.
"I was wondering why you insisted on wearing so many clothes myself." The Princess of Friendship admitted. "Are you ... afraid of your own body?" She was clearly trying to be polite. And ... was she blushing? Her dick was now poking out of her sheathe noticeably, as if she was getting aroused just by being around me.
"Um, it seems our cultures have a total reversal of how much clothing we wear is acceptable." I mentioned. Pinkie made sure to translate what I said to the letter.
"Would I be wrong in saying that your culture has a pretty hard view on being naked in public?" Twilight asked.
"Yeah. It's considered a crime to be naked outside of the house." I mentioned.
"By the Sun! Why?" Twilight asked in shock.
"I guess it relates to evolution. And religion. I don't honestly know the reasons however." I admitted. "Best guess is that it relates to us protecting ourselves in colder climates when we spread across our world. And eventually religions developed that further condemned being exposed." I said. My knowledge on such a thing was, and still is, woefully inadequate.
"Well, ours is really different. Ever since the Wendigos were driven away, and the magic of friendship was discovered, ponies felt less of a need to hide their bodies. Clothing is mostly ceremonial or utilities like the guards or myself in the former case." Twilight explained.
"The Wendigos?" I was confused. What followed was a discourse about the foundation of Equestria and how the Elements of Harmony were created, of which, Twilight and Pinkie were the current bearers of two of them. Simply put, Equestria was a very sexually free society with a female dominated way of thinking. And males were so rare that the gender roles for them were similar to how women were expected to act in my world.
To the ponies, I acted like a "janefilly", their equivalent of a tomboy. Needless to say, I was pretty confused.
"This place is going to be so baffling for me." I said, and explained that males and females in my world were pretty darn close to even numbers, and men were the politically and culturally dominant gender.
When I was finished, Twilight and Pinkie weren't the only ones staring. The two guards who were in the car next to ours were peeking in with shocked looks on their faces.
"That is absolutely zany!" Pinkie exclaimed. "How does anything get done?!"
"Let me guess, stallions are normally not used to being in positions of authority? Well, the reverse is true for human women. Men have been in power among my people for a very long time. Women in authority are usually the exception to the rule." Pinkie made sure to translate for Twilight's benefit.
"That does it! I need to make a spell that lets me translate you!" Twilight shouted. "I can't always have Pinkie around! She has a bake shop to manage!"
"And you're a Princess." I remarked. Pinkie chose not to say anything this time. Twilight was already in her own little world.
It only took another hour or so for the train to come to a stop. And I looked at the town in question with a surprised air.
"This is Ponyville? It's ... kinda cute."
"Cute?" Pinkie asked.
"It looks like a stamp you would collect from an amusement park or small idyllic town."
"Oh. I get what you mean. Well, it may look like just a quiet town, but it's had some crazy times."
"It can't be that bad."
"Trust me. It does." Pinkie assured me as the train hissed to a halt. We stepped off the train and Twilight ushered us to the castle. Well, she claimed it was a castle. To me it was a tree made of crystals that looked like it was shaped into a castle. And I almost scoffed at the name, the Castle of Friendship. But there was something odd. Twilight had expected to have to calm a crowd. Well, aside from the two mares fainting at the flower stand, and I was assured that this was typical, there was no fear reaction to my presence.
Instead, the reverse was the case. Mares seemed to be drooling over me and futa cocks began to slide out of sheathes. So many of them. The worst of them was a mint green mare by the name of Lyra Heartstrings, who seemed to take one look at me, stare hard at me, her cock slid out, and she suddenly orgasmed, spurting on the spot. She was quite embarressed about it, and her lover Bon Bon had to apologize to us about her reaction. Apparently it wasn't normal for a mare to cream herself in front of a total stranger, but I had Pinkie explain that I wasn't offended. Still, I was pretty shocked that the mares found me sexy.
Eventually the three of us made it to the castle and soon I was ushered to the huge dining area. I met Spike the dragon, one of the few male exceptions to the generally female population I had seen. Meeting the baby dragon was awkward, as he had been raised by ponies since he had hatched, and being decidedly not "stallionlike" myself, our expectations of each other could not have been more different. Especially since I didn't speak his language currently. But with Pinkie translating for me, we eventually came to understand one another, and he thought I was pretty cool. Because dragons had similar masculine morés to humans, Spike was happy to call me "dude" and I was happy to meet someone who thought at least partially on my wavelength. He was a nerd, he was a bit of a rebel, and he loved hanging out with the girls because they thought like him, though he did have male friends.
Later, I was introduced to the reason I was stuck in this world: Starlight Glimmer. The fuchsia futa mare learned about me and the meeting was ... less than stellar.
"Starlight. This fell in Stalliongrad." Twilight announced to her fuchsia coated apprentice. Starlight Glimmer blinked at me. Like Twilight, she was also a hermaphrodite, but on a smaller scale. She was also holding an ice pack to her head.
"Wait, Stalliongrad?" Starlight asked.
"Yes. We're lucky the Map found him."
"That should not have happened. I should have received a vision."
"Wait what?" I asked, now confused.
"Starlight was making an experimental spell for some reason, with some tomes I told her to be careful with." Twilight was rather frosty. "And as a result of the spell going wrong, many of them were damaged."
"Look, I already said I was sorry about that." Starlight whined.
"But what was the spell supposed to do?" I asked.
Starlight fell silent. She clearly didn't want to say it. But a firm look from Twilight told her that she could not weasel out of this.
"I was ... trying to see who my true lover would be. I wanted to see who I would be able to date and would never leave me."
"So you're telling me... that the reason I am stuck on this world, the reason I was yanked from every single person I have ever known, was because you were trying to find a boyfriend?" I asked, rage building in my core.
When Starlight nodded, it resulted in my second language change.
I was now cursing in Arabic.
"You stupid goat fucker! Do you have any idea what you have done!? Do I need to explain any further you insolent son of a bitch!?" I was red in the face. And that was the tamest I was being. It was as if my brain knew which insults were the worst and were layering them on thick. This had been the culmination of a really awkward and tense meeting, and then she had said that she was only looking for a boy to be hers. I had lost it. I let her have it. The architect of the fact I had been ripped from my old life had been thinking with her dick.
That lack of responsibility was what rankled me something fierce. I then ran out of the room, crying again, leaving the stunned ponies in silence. I was gently escorted to a room and I slumped on my bed as I tried to get used to my life now. I discovered I could write in English still, thankfully enough, so I wrote an apology letter, explaining to Starlight that I had been terribly upset and I didn't deal with emotions well. Starlight and I didn't speak though for a day, and emotions had been high. I was mostly focused on getting settled in. However, her attempt at apologizing was ... something else...
======================
I was having trouble sleeping late that night, having woken up from a nightmare that jolted me up in a cold sweat at was I was sure was two in the morning. I groaned to myself and decided to fix myself some warm milk and honey from the kitchen. It was a castle, I was sure I would disturb no one. I put on a silky bathrobe provided by Twilight's friend Rarity, an absolute doll of a mare, pure female like Pinkie, who was probably wanting to sniff my underwear but was too polite to actually do it without permission, as there was still such a thing as consent (Thank God), and the fashonista had procured a set of robes for me while she worked on getting me new clothes. I had gotten showered earlier, but had to introduce myself to separate shower and conditioner (Seriously. Have these folks ever thought of a two in one formula?) in the process.
Needless to say, I had a restless day, but the adrenaline spike I had gotten from that nightmare had shook my brain into activity. Walking with a small oil lamp in hand, I was undressed underneath, but I was happy with the modesty the robe provided. Twilight was still really confused about why I wanted it, but simply explaining that it was for personal comfort eased things over and helped her speak to Rarity about my clothing replacements. She had wanted to design more ... risqué outfits for me, but Twilight explained to her that I didn't want that with Pinkie's help of translation. So she settled for replicas of my current clothing once Twilight delivered my current ones to her.
So I was only dressed in the robe, my feet padding their way along in some slippers Rarity provided to keep my feet warm against the crystal floor, and soon I was in the kitchen, pouring some milk in a kettle and heating it on the stove. Thank God I had learned to cook for myself.
"Any guy who thinks they shouldn't have to learn how to make something as simple as warm milk is a fool." I said to myself, stirring the sauce pan with a spoon. I had a jar of honey and a mug for the milk ready to go once the milk was up to temperature.
I was so focused on my task that I hadn't heard the slippered hooves of Starlight Glimmer enter the room. But I was always paranoid. I suddenly sensed her enter the room and I turned and looked, seeing her naked body in the kitchen's dim light.
"What do you want?" I wrote on the napkin with a quill I saw on the table. Starlight sighed.
"I want to apologize for ruining your life and seperating you from your family. I ... I would say that I understand, but I know it would sound hollow." I frowned when I heard what she had to say.
"It's a start." I wrote out. "But you look like you want to do something." I turned back to the milk to prevent it from scorching, then took it off heat and poured the milk into the mug, then stirred in the honey. Starlight blinked.
"Why are you making warm milk?"
"Nightmares woke me up. Still kinda strung up. Why aren't you asleep?" I replied.
"I wasn't able to fall asleep personally because I still feel guilty about what happened to you. Got any spare?" She asked. I checked, and as usual, I had made too much. I got another mug and poured the rest in. I let her spoon in her own honey as I sipped the milk. And I sat down at the table to enjoy my beverage. Starlight sat nearby.
I noticed her legs were seated spread and her balls were heavy looking. I glanced at her and wrote out "Why are you presenting yourself?"
"I thought we could do some make up fun." She didn't sound like she was trying to be offensive, as if it was a fairly reasonable idea. I sighed.
"I don't think like you assume I do Starlight. Sex for me isn't very casual for me." I explained on paper. My cursive was a little messy, as I had not practiced in a long time, but it was legible.
"Wouldn't helping you feel good do you some good?" She asked, puzzled by my reply.
"Sex is super intimate for me. I don't engage in casual sex because it is treated as being sacred, or at least significant. There is casual sex, but I have never engaged in it myself. And ... I would rather my first time be important." That made Starlight stare in shock.
"You're ... you're a virgin?!" She gasped, keeping her voice barely at talking level as she could barely comprehend my lack of experience. I simply nodded. And I finished my milk and left her behind to return to my room to sleep. I wondered what she would do with that information. But the milk was already taking effect, and I answered the siren call of my bed before long, so the thought was admittedly fleeting.
After my talk with Starlight, I had expected to just hit the bed and sleep and wake up with the roosters. But as my mind began to dream, I was suddenly met by a strange figure. She was built almost exactly like Twilight Sparkle, and like her she had a horn and wings, as well as her obviously masculine package dangling between her legs, but damn she was tall. A deep navy blue and her mane and tail resembled the night sky.
This was my introduction to the Princess of the Night, Luna. And she became a much needed balm. And turns out my little curse didn't work in the dream realm.
"Well, we must admit you are quite the sight. We are Luna, Princess of the Night, Guardian of the Dream Realm. Oh, forgive me, I am still not used to speaking in modern terms." Her admission made her cute. I couldn't help but smile, even if she was an Amazonian futanari.
"Well, pleasure to meet you Your Highness. I'm James. Did Twilight tell you about me?" I asked her.
"My sister and I were informed of your arrival by Princess Twilight. She mentioned to us that you would be unusual mentally. I saw your nightmare and I tried to reach you, but you woke up before I could banish it. I wished to speak to you regardless. Dear Twilight mentioned you were quite emotional with Starlight Glimmer. I wouldn't say without reason, but I was also informed you were very ... vulgar." She said, as if she was my aunt. I felt embarrassed.
"I was upset. Especially since she had, to me, been so irresponsible." I said. "But a lot of my words were very hurtful. And I really shouldn't have been so angry." I said, sighing.
"Huh. You are very much like a mare. You don't hold onto your anger like a stallion does. Twilight said as much, but I needed to see it for myself."
"Reversed gender roles it seems. My men are the total opposites of your males, and same deal with my women and your females." I noted with a smirk.
"So it seems. Still, she didn't say how cute you were. And you are quite pleasing to mine eyes."
I blushed at that. "I had a mare cum at the sight of me."
"Lyra? Yes she has always had a fondness for males despite her partnership with Bon Bon. Twilight informed us of that as well. And we must admit you strike our fancy as well. You are fit, firm, yet you have a nice wide set of hips and your face looks rather regal."
"Really? I hope I am speaking French or something romantic when I meet you. I want to be able to sound as nice as you look at me as." I told her. "I do want to be respectful after all. And Twilight promised a translation spell."
"Ah yes. Your issue with languages. It is most perplexing. How many languages are on your world anyway?"
"There was at least one hundred last I checked." I said. "But that is a ridiculously low ball number."
"Amazing. I have only seen at most four. And everyone here knows just one." Luna gasped out, simply baffled.
"That's pretty strange if you ask me." I told her. "But that's probably because of the magic in this place. Magic is a thing of myths where I am from. You familiar with technology? Well, machinery and things like it are highly advanced back home." As I spoke, my mindscape filled with such examples. Cars, the internal combustion engine, computers, my old smart phone, the internet, aircraft. Luna saw these wonders of technology and her eyes lit up like the stars she had in her mane.
"And we have expanded our knowledge with science. Personally, my two favorite fields to talk about are paleontology and astronomy. Dinosaurs and space are so cool. Especially space." I got dreamy as I imagined the vastness of the cosmos, and a song came to mind.
As Luna beheld the expanding view of the Sol System, I began to sing the song.
(Begin first song)
As I sang, Luna watched as stars, planets, asteroids, and moons swirled around, the majesty of the expanse around her world in full view. Galaxies and megaclusters, nebulae and supernovas, comets and the planets in my home solar system, all for her to see with wonder.
Eventually I concluded the song, and Luna sighed happily. "I have always known the night sky held such wonder. But to see somepony else share such a knowledge ... oh you are after my heart it seems."
"Aaaaawww. I didn't realize I would be flirting with you while talking about my love of space." I commented with a chuckle. "And honestly I needed this. Seeing you happy made me feel happy. And I just needed something positive to think about."
"Well, then I have done my task." Luna said triumphantly. "I best let you dream on about space. It was a pleasure for myself as well, but I do have other subjects to attend to."
"I best not keep you then. See you next time Princess Luna."
"To thee as well fair James of Earth." She said with a smile as she departed my dreamscape.
=====================
I woke up feeling much more refreshed and happy, and I felt ready to tackle the world. Turns out I wasn't the only early riser, as Spike had beaten me downstairs and was already working on breakfast.
"Hey dude!" The dragon said as I waved at him and sat at the table. He was assisted by the castle cooks as the smells of cooked food wafted into my nose.
I had found a quill pen and ink and wrote on a piece of paper for my request. When Spike took it, he blinked.
The note was supposed to say "Can I get something with meat?" But it was a pidgin mishmash of English and Arabic characters.
"What the heck is this?" He asked. I blinked and took it. And I blanched at the sight. I turned it over and tried to write it again, but the harder I tried to write it correctly ... the worse it got. I kept handing it back and forth to Spike. And he kept complaining that it was illegible. Finally, I took a good long stare at the paper.
It was legible now ... if you were trying to read from the Koran. I groaned.
"God help me in these trying days." I sighed, looked apologetic to Spike, and drew a picture, very roughly, of Pinkie Pie, and put a question mark near her. At least he understood that.
"Oh! She's at Sugarcube Corner. Come on." He lead me that way. But as we walked, we attracted a small crowd. Some really catty mares began flirting at me and reminding me of some men back home. I was doing my best to ignore them, but one particular comment really got on my nerves.
"Cuties like you should be sucking on my dick all night long!" The mare called. That. Was. It.
I spun around and let her and her cronies have it. In Japanese.
"SHUT THE HELL UP! YOU'RE SO DAMN ANNOYING! GET OUT OF HERE!" That made them shut up in a split second. I turned around and walked off.
"Good grief. Perverts are the same no matter what world they are on. Useless to avoid them."
"I dunno what you said, but I think I would agree with it." Spike remarked. To that I just smirked.
We soon came across Sugarcube Corner and we were met by Mr. and Mrs. Cake. After an explanation by Spike, they went and fetched their pink confectioner. Pinkie bounced out of the kitchen with a smile. She waved at us and she trotted over.
"Hey Jimmy Beans!" She said affectionately. "What's shaking?"
"I need to eat breakfast and I wasn't able to tell Spike I need to eat meat. Not much, I do eat some plants though. I can't digest grass or hay however." I informed her.
"Oh! So you are kinda like a griffin. Hmm. Well, I do know that cheese is good. And we do offer cream cheese with our breakfast options."
"Thank you Pinkie. That would be perfect. I'll take a menu and I'll order from there. Could you tell Spike that he can go tell Twilight that I will be here eating breakfast?" I asked her. She nodded and did so.
"No problem!" Spike saluted and raced off after leaving me some coins to pay for my breakfast. A couple bagels, some cheese croissants, a fruit crepe, and two doughnuts later, I was happily full and my face was gently messy with icing. I was cleaning up and about to pay my table when Twilight poofed in with a shower of lavender sparkles. I blinked at the teleportation.
"Ah! Right where Spike said you would be. Perfect." The scantily clad Princess said. "Rarity is due to get you your clothes and I need your assistance with the spell I need to try to be able to understand you. Unfortunately it's gonna be delayed because according to Spike, your language changed again. Pinkie? Mind joining us in the Castle?"
"Oh sure Twi Pie! Royal business and Friendship business is always important!" Pinkie happily volunteered. I handed the coins to Mr. Cake and then Twilight grabbed my hand and Pinkie's and I felt reality lurch and we appeared in a basement level of the castle.
My first teleportation made me motion sick, and I nearly lost my breakfast right then and there. But I managed to recover and hold it in. Twilight looked sympathetic.
"Sorry. I forgot you had never teleported before." She admitted.
"You're forgiven. I just need practice." I said, looking a little green around the gills. But I sat down on a chair and eventually the planet stopped spinning in my brain. Soon after, Twilight began running her tests.
First, she spoke, and she established a control with herself and Pinkie Pie. The words appeared in the spell she was weaving. Then she had me speak. And the kanji of the native words of Japanese appeared as well.
For example, Twilight said "The sky is blue today." Then she had Pinkie said it, then I said it. With the intent included, the spell attempted to correct what I said to match the words the two mares had said.
Initial results were ... not promising. I couldn't help but laugh at the translation of "You will take me to dinner" as it was turned into "You will stab my puppy." And my outburst of laughter made me start speaking German. Which meant that the process had to start over again. At least the girls were able to pick pieces out of my now German phrases.
Which proved to be beneficial. The German portion of the experiment was far more fruitful, as German held a lot of root English words, and both shared origins, whereas Japanese didn't even start on the same continent. By the time Rarity came downstairs, we could at least use the spell to translate German, and had some idea of the Japanese I had been speaking earlier.
I sighed in relief at the sight of her holding a pair of bags full of clothing.
"Ah, Miss Rarity, it is good you have arrived. How successful were you with making my clothes?" I asked. Rarity saw the translation appear and she smiled.
"They went well darling." She assured me as she laid out fifteen shirts, five pairs of long pants, ten pairs of shorts, fifteen boxer briefs, fifteen pairs of socks, and three pairs of shoes, with a pair of boots to match. I blinked.
"I didn't ask you to make this many of them." I told her.
"I know dear. I felt that you would appreciate it more if you had more. Most stallions I know don't feel comfortable without at least ten outfits." She assured me like she knew best. I had to clear my throat.
"Rarity, you are talking to an alien who has men who think like women, and women who think like men. However, I do appreciate the amount you are willing to give. If there is a way to give back, I would gladly take it."
"Oh darling, you don't have to. I figured the best way to help was to give you the best possible comfort I could. Go ahead and try them on." She told me. I tested a few articles of each and soon I was smiling widely, able to dance around on magical feeling clothes. And when I started dancing ... well, that was when I was introduced to Heartsong.
You see, Heartsong is the natural harmony magic of the world of Equestria resonating itself in its inhabitants in song, able to replicate the exact music of the singers and it reverberated through ponies, encouraging them to dance and sing along.
(Begin Second Song)
And when I began singing "You Should Be Dancin'" by the Bee Gees, it caused all three of them to sing and dance with me. Despite my German rendition of the song, the others provided an English acapella to help. We ended up going through the castle and sweeping up all the servants and even Starlight and Spike in the process. I somehow knew the grooving jiving beat dancing of disco well enough to be able to lead. And as I sang, my German melted to English, synchronizing with the song of my fellows.
When the song ended, I hadn't noticed it yet.
"Whew! That was fun!" I said with a grin. Then I noticed it. And cheered.
And got the fifth language.
"YES! THE SONG HAS RESTORED MY LANGUAGE!"
Then I realized I had spoken in French.
And then surged into anger again and got Spanish as I cursed sulfurously.
After the "Disco Fever" moment, as Pinkie had christened it, Twilight had come to the conclusion that Heartsong was some how related to my curse, and that Harmony magic may be the key to getting it fixed. To that end, she had Spike fetch her other three friends. I soon learned that alongside Rarity, whom I already knew, these others were the current bearers of the remaining Elements of Harmony.
First to arrive was Rainbow Dash. The pegasus mare of cerulean fur and rainbow mane and tail, which was how I assumed she got her name, wasn't quite sure what to make of me. Like Pinkie and Rarity, she was full mare, and liked using her wings a lot. Using Pinkie as a translator, since I was still in Spanish, I learned that Rainbow was Captain of the local Weather Team, and a member of the Wonderbolt Reserves, an elite flying corps based out of Canterlot, the capital city.
As we conversed, Rainbow Dash was clearly confused by my responses. I acted like, in her words, "one of the girls", and I wasn't instantly impressed by the flying show boat. But she was willing to stick up for Twilight, and her obvious loyalty to her friends made it clear she had earned the Element of that same virtue.
Next to arrive was the farmer Applejack. And the two of us instantly did not see eye to eye. Despite being an honest working mare, hence how she earned the Element of Honesty, owning an orchard and farm with her family, and being a beefy as hell futa similar to Twilight, it was clear Applejack didn't trust me. Especially after she heard how rude I was to both Twilight and Starlight Glimmer. Needless to say, Twilight was only able to keep Applejack calm by explaining that I had no choice in being in this world. While it did calm her to an extent, she made it clear to me that she was going to keep an eye on me, and to not visit her farm unless it was for business.
Last to arrive was the sweetest mare I had ever met: Fluttershy. The wallflower of a pegasus hermaphrodite was a soft butter yellow and this boxom shape that I couldn't help but admire. The fact she didn't seem to know how beautiful she was hammered in the sheer purity of how she seemed in my eyes. And one look between us made my heart melt.
Fluttershy was far more willing to accept me, her gentle nature and experience with wild animals allowing her far more empathy towards other creatures. She had more than earned her Element of Kindness, and I was grateful to be around her rather than Applejack, whom I was determined to avoid like the plague.
I learned also that Twilight, Pinkie, and Rarity each embodied the Elements of Magic, Laughter, and Generosity respectively, while we waited for the rest of the gang to arrive. Twilight was also having me try and update her translation spell with my new Spanish. Rarity was smitten by my French and hoped that I would speak some again though, as she had described it as very regal sounding. I then explained that French, Italian, and Spanish were the "romance" languages, as they were associated with high adventure and early romantic tales back home. Hearing that made the snow white mare gush excitedly. Twilight had to remind her to focus after that.
Once everyone was present, we all marched to the Cutie Map. I finally had to ask what the heck the marks on the sides of their hips were, and I wound up getting a lengthy song and dance about what Cutie Marks were and their function. Needless to say, I was pretty baffled. Your overall talent on display for all to see? Like a window into the soul? I actually wished it was that easy. Of course, apparently I wasn't alone. Dragons, Griffins, Diamond Dogs, and a few others didn't get them, so they were pretty self determinate.
But the Cutie Map was a hell of a thing. As I stood with Pinkie, I learned that it pointed out areas where the Tree of Harmony, which I imagined to be analogous to Yggdrassil, the World Tree of Norse myth, would alert the Elements to events that required their attention. It was how Twilight and Pinkie were able to respond so quickly to my arrival on this world.
"This map has plot convenience written all over it." I remarked to Pinkie.
"Yeah. But it definitely saved you some hassle Jimmy Beans." Pinkie had insisted on calling me Jimmy Beans since I had arrived in Ponyville, and I had decided to just roll with the nickname.
"So what's the plan?"
"Well, obviously to progress the story! Twilight probably has some crazy plan she wants to try on you to help you in some way." At the mention of progressing the story, I gave her a look of confusion, but Rarity saw and said:
"It's Pinkie darling. Best not to linger on it."
Taking her advice, I returned my attention to what Twilight had been saying.
"... be frank girls, our new guest is full of some unusual surprises and is mentally unique in his own way."
"But that don't excuse how mean he was to Starlight. I don't always trust her, but no stallion in his right mind would cuss out a mare." Applejack said firmly.
"That's because he wasn't in his right mind Applejack." Twilight said, sighing and putting a hoof to her face. "Besides, Starlight was the one responsible for bringing him here in the first place against his will. Of course he was going to be mad at her. You were mad as a hornet when she betrayed us when we first met her."
"Still, it don't excuse blatant rudeness." Applejack grumped.
"Applejack, what's done is done. And I already apologized to Starlight and she accepted it, returning the apology as well for her wrongdoing. She even tried to offer herself to me, but I turned her down." I said.
"Say what?" She asked. Pinkie then had to translate my words. When she heard that I had turned Starlight down, Applejack blinked in confusion. But she wasn't the only one.
"What? Why would you turn her down? She's not a bad mare. Nice cock." Rainbow said.
"She doesn't normally proposition boys, so her offering is a nice touch." Twilight added. I sighed, realizing that my sexual norms were still causing confusion.
"Interpret as best you can." I told Pinkie. I then reiterated what I had told Starlight last night.
That my culture forbid public nudity.
That casual sex was seen as distasteful.
That I wasn't used to such propositions.
A human female having a penis was extremely unlikely to the point of fantasy.
And the cherry on top, I was still a virgin. That last part was said with a blush.
The girls and Spike all stared in shock, save Starlight, who had heard it before.
"How does anyone ever enjoy themselves then?!" Rainbow blurted.
"Between significant others, and paying whores. Sometimes the boyfriend or girlfriend cheats on the other." I explained. "When a married person does it, it's usually a sign the marriage is failing."
"That is so confusing." Rarity mentioned.
"Yeah. 'Round these parts, we do the double backed beastie with anypony who is of age and says yes. It ain't healthy to just bottle it in." Applejack clarified.
"It may not make sense to any of you, given your culture. I never said it would. It is clear to me that there is a lot we need to understand about each other."
The mares all found they couldn't argue with that. And they all knew the problem would be worse given my multi-layered language barrier.
"Alright," Twilight decided to circle the conversation back to what it needed to be. "The reason I called everyone here is for a number of reasons. James needs to settle in, so one of us needs to be his roommate. And earlier, his ability to speak Equish actually comes out more naturally when Heartsong is employed. He speaks it natively, but whatever spell he is under prevents him from accessing it. Best guess is, that when Starlight's spell pulled him over here, a side effect of it was to imprint as many languages as possible from his world before he arrived."
"Well, so far, I have been speaking Russian, Arabic, German, Japanese, French, Spanish, and my native English, which is what I call what you girls speak." I pointed out. "My best educated guess is that I will end up speaking Hindi, Portuguese, and Mandarin Chinese, as those languages I mentioned are the most used on my world. I may also speak Dutch and Italian at times. But I should mention that Japanese isn't a common language, and German may not be either, so I could end up speaking some dead ones. Or, best case scenario, the languages I have already are the ones I will be sticking with. I just hope that I didn't get hit with literally thousands."
"Wait. Pinkie, is he serious? Thousands of languages?!" Rainbow demanded, shocked, after Pinkie had finished translating.
"He is being serious." Applejack said before Pinkie could say it. "I don't like it, but he is tellin' the truth, even if I can't understand his words."
"Well, I'll take your word anytime AJ." Rainbow admitted.
"But there is a work around." Twilight said to cut off any side discussion. "Heartsong seems to work for bringing his native speech back. And he only changes languages when he gets really mad, sad, or gets extremely happy. So as long as he remains calm, he doesn't change what language the spell is set on for the moment."
"So, he can sing to help him speak like us?" Fluttershy asked at last.
"Exactly. So my plan is to use the Elements to maybe help fix it permanently. However, I need some time to study how his magical signature behaves and to see if it is possible to do what I have in mind."
"Whatever solution you can use Twilight, I would be okay with, so long as it doesn't turn me into a newt first." I said to her. That must have been an inside joke among the girls, because they all starting laughing and Twilight blushed in embarrassment after Pinkie finished reiterating what I had said, barely able to stifle her own giggles long enough.
"I take it something similar has happened before?" I asked. Twilight, still flushing, answered me before her friends.
"Well, during my magical trial test, I accidentally overloaded and turned my parents into potted plants, rapidly aged Spike to an adult, among other things, all when I was a filly." At that, I lost my composure and just began laughing. That just seemed too ridiculous. After I coughed and regained my wits, I then noticed that Twi hadn't been laughing.
"Wait, are you serious?" Now I was speaking Chinese. Mandarin to be exact.
"Well, it's related to how we all got our Cutie Marks." Rainbow Dash said. She went into a story about how her first "Sonic Rainboom" (I had to ask and I realized this pegasus could break the sound barrier and then some, and the resulting shockwave created a rainbow blast effect) resulted in all the crucial moments of their formative years.
Needless to say, I was pretty stunned. "That is just insane. And I know I shouldn't be saying that, because I am literally in a land of unicorns and dragons, but a sonic boom rainbow blast? That is just crazy. I can't make sense of it. Every logical part of my brain is saying that is impossible."
After Pinkie translated, Rainbow Dash stared at me. Then chuckled.
"You kinda sound like Twilight almost."
"I take it she is the super logical one?"
"Yeah. Kind of an egghead."
"I also have trouble with sarcasm or attempts at similar wit."
"Really? Huh. Most ponies get those."
"Not me unfortunately. My brain is pretty different. I don't feel comfortable talking about it though, and I already feel very nervous just mentioning it. I decided to warn you first though."
"Well, at least the poor dear was brave enough to say it before something nasty happened." Rarity piped up. I could not have agreed more. With that, the girls all debated about where I would be staying. Applejack still didn't trust me, so she refused to have me live on the farm. It came down to Fluttershy and Pinkie, as I said that I would not be willing to live in the same place as Starlight, as I still felt uncomfortable.
In the end, for the extremely practical reason of her being able to understand me (something about reading the subtitles, whatever that meant), it was agreed I would live with Pinkie at Sugarcube Corner. As a bonus, I would start work there due to my love of baking. I mentioned I could assist, as I didn't want to not pay rent, so after a discussion with Mr. and Mrs. Cake, I would help in the bakery and help them take care of their twin children.
I had hoped for some semblance of normal, but that I would find would not be possible.