The first rule of Royal Fight Club is nopony talks about Royal Fight Club. But after The Solar champion has bested the Lunar challenger for the 27th time in a row, Luna calls for desperate measures.
The first rule of The Royal Fight Club is nopony talks about The Royal Fight Club! Except Celestia's never obeyed that rule. Because then she wouldn't be able to rub it in Luna's face so much! ... Well, after losing for the 27th time in a row, and being subjected to her sister's antics, Princess Luna's had enough. Time to go to Twilight Sparkle and make a dimensional rift!
The crowd in the Canterlot Coliseum went wild as the lights came up, chanting, singing, and stomping their hooves.
“With a technical knockout in the fourth round, the Solar champion reigns supreme once again!” The unicorn holding the drop-down microphone lifted the minotaur’s right arm upwards in triumph. The minotaur flexed his pecs and shouted, pointing to the crowd.
“That’s right! Anypony want this crown? They’ll end up going down!” He continued to work up the crowd, pointing and pumping his fist to everypony and nopony in particular.
Luna just sat back, grinding her teeth as she awaited the inevitable teasing that would soon come from the occupant of the neighboring Solar Box Seat. Activating her horn, she pulled the privacy curtains around her Lunar Box Seat and waited… Not that curtains would help. “Three… two… one…”
…
Luna’s brow furrowed. “Where is she?”
After a moment, the curtain covering the front edge of her box began to sway. Initial brushes of movement, slight caresses across the fabric, gave way to more pronounced, sweeping movements, as a shape became more pronounced, pushing the material back and forth. Before long, the arching curve of her sister’s flank was noticeable, sweeping the curtains to and fro until her tail popped through, teasing as it flicked back and forth in time with something Celestia was sing-songing under her breath.
Luna’s eye twitched as she resisted making a rather physical retort. “Sister! Remove thy all-encompassing flank from before our presence! If t’were possible, we’d banish it to the sun!”
Celestia backed herself in, continuing to sway her hips as she sang a little ditty.
Solar’s the champion Solar’s the champion No time for Lunars Cause Solar’s the champion OF THE WORLD!
Celestia continued backing up until she sat in a neighboring chair, wiggling her hips back and forth until she had made herself comfortable, still humming to herself and grinning like an idiot. Luna could only fold her forelegs and pout. “Please, sister. Show some decorum and grace in your victory. Thy entrance was the opposite of grace… it was disgraceful.”
“Now now, Luna…” Celestia leered for a moment. Just because your chosen challenger has been bested by the Solar champ… Hm.” Celestia began to stroke her chin, pretending to think for a minute. “Is that the 27th straight victory?”
Just to spite her, Luna’s horn flashed, turning Celestia’s entire seat into a block of ice approximately two degrees above absolute zero. Celestia jumped up with a squawk.
Struggling to keep her face from pulling into a smirk, Luna just raised an eyebrow innocently. “You were saying?”
“Ahem.” Celestia rubbed a hoof across one her still tingling rump. “I was about to say, I think maybe we should change the first rule regarding the Royal Fight Club.”
“Oh? Don’t talk about Royal Fight Club?”
“No no no.” Celestia shook her head, her wavy mane lazily billowing behind her. “I don’t follow that rule anyway…”
“You don’t say?" Luna's reply was rather dry as she recalled the last twenty-six relevant articles in the Canterlot Times. "What then? We re-include the Yaks in the tourney? Last time they participated they brought the walls of the entire edifice down.”
“Absolutely not!" Celestia’s expression had taken on a rather haunted look. "No, I was just thinking of adjusting the rules so that you might have a larger pool of candidates you can draw upon to try and best my Champion.”
Luna’s eyes looked down to the champion, still thumping his chest like a halfwit, even though the spectators had almost completely exited the building. He was still spouting ridiculous rhyming epithets.
“You don’t show respect? Ya gonna get wrecked!”
Luna shook her head. Why could she not come up with a challenger that would put this fool minotaur in his place? It was a non-magical contest of strength, sure, but where else could she look?
Then, she got an idea…
An awful idea.
The Princess got a wonderful, awful idea!
Luna held up a hoof. “No, Tia. Please do not change the rules on my account. I will best your champion, your… Iron Will. And I will do it with a non-magical creature, you wait and see! I will be in keeping with all contest rules and bylaws—and will have my challenger ready by next week’s match. I hope your minotaur will be ready.” By this point Luna was pacing. She couldn’t help it! She couldn’t believe she hadn’t thought of this before! She turned to face Celestia again, who was now smirking like a hellspawn demon.
“Whatever you say, Luna. My Iron Will will be waiting…”
* * *
“So that’s why I need you to perform a dimensional smash and grab!”
Twilight scratched at her mane for a moment, giving Princess Luna a sideways look from over her lab equipment. When it came to her friend, Luna had made some pretty bizarre requests in the past, but this? This just took Celestia’s cake.
“I don’t know, Luna. Doesn’t that break some kind of cosmic law? I mean, isn’t it unethical to reach into another universe and pluck out another life form, just to match it up against a brutal and dominating grappler?”
“According to my study of ethics put in the greater context of the dimensional theory of the multiverse, doing so would only be unethical in the other universe. Because ours is separate, not a problem!”
Twilight found that both of her eyebrows had climbed so high on her head, they might never come back down to Equestria again.
Princess Luna slumped forward, thumping her head across one of the tables in Twilight’s laboratory. “Please, Twilight. If our friendship over the years has ever been important—”
“—and this whole thing about the Royal Fight Club? I mean, are you kidding me? I thought I was thoroughly versed in all sorts of Canterlot Culture, but until today, I’ve never even—”
“—The first rule of Royal Fight Club is— “
“—I know, I know!” Twilight sighed. “At least now I do. Never bothered with the sports page before... I can’t believe Princess Celestia would be involved in something so… so…”
“Glorious?”
“Boorish!”
“Ah. Yes! Well, you see… It’s been…” Luna’s head smacked the table again. “Twenty seven times.”
“Been what now?”
Luna lifted her head but now had obscured her face with her hooves. “Ith bn twntyssvn tmmms!”
“I’m sorry, didn’t quite catch that.”
“Twenty-seven victories in a row! By the solar champion Iron Will!” Luna’s Royal Canterlot Voice shattered several beakers before she could reign it in again. Twilight only gave her a flat look, her horn lighting up to contain several gasses from mixing and blowing them so high in the sky that the Princess would be in another castle.
“Just this once… I’ll do it.”
Luna jumped up, clopping her hooves in glee. “Oh, thank you, Sparkle. I will be in your debt!”
“But only because my mentor should know better than to participate in such things as a fight club. Twenty seven times…” She brandished a hoof at Princess Luna. “The both of you, actually! Okay, so the arrangement was that you would power the spell while I performed a magical homing scan throughout the multiverse until I found a suitable candidate. That’s what you wanted right?”
Luna only giddily nodded her head.
“Okay then.” Twilight took a breath to center herself, and then walked into the middle of the laboratory, at the center of a massive rune circle. She stepped on the central figure and muttered an incantation, drawing several symbols in the air. With a rumble, the floor parted asunder.
“Step into my laboratory annex… a pocket dimension I built into the foundation of the castle. I wouldn’t be foolish enough to open a dimensional rift without some kind of dimensional barrier. Are you ready?”
* * *
It had been twenty-five minutes, and the both of them were building up quite a sweat. However, Luna was not to be deterred from her plan. She poured on her power, allowing Twilight to use her entire magical focus to scan for habitable planets, organically compatible life, then to filter for intelligence and other abilities. Finally, she found a likely planet, and when she listened in to the communications, one name became clear. Her eyes sparkled with the revelatory information, and she knew she had found what she had been looking for.
“Luna? We have our subject. Apparently, this creature… this hue-man, will be more than a match for Iron Will. And he doesn’t seem to possess magic of any kind!”
Twilight closed her eyes in concentration as she scanned through more images and news, until she gasped. “Wow Luna, this is perfect! Not only did he defend the planet by besting an unbeatable machine in physical combat, he defeated a magical creature named Majin Buu as well! Wow! I don’t think Iron Will will stand a chance!”
Luna pumped a hoof in victory. “Huzzah, Twilight. Let’s bring him in!”
The entire dimensional rift wobbled for a moment as Luna nearly lost her concentration, but then it steadied. “Okay, Luna. Just hold the rift for a little longer. I got this.”
“ALRIGHTY THEN, HERE WE GO SPORTS FANS! OUR CHAMP HAS GIVEN THE THUMBS UP! WITHOUT FURTHER DELAY LET THE MATCH BEGIN!”
There he was.
The legendary world champion.
The greatest fighter to ever live—Mr. Hercule Satan.
But he couldn’t let himself show even a hint of weakness. Not a twitch, a pip, or a squeak.
Mr. Satan turned around to regard his opponent, absorbing all of the accolades and cheers like they could be his last. He would savor the moment—cherish it. For all he knew, it might be his last. But he had a plan. He always did—if only this ruse would work.
The small child standing there was capable of launching him clear out of the stadium without even breaking a sweat. The little runt could crush his head with a simple swipe. The crazy kid was on par with the rest of those other weird fighters that could just go insta-blond with a new hairdo and suddenly level the terrain. They could snap off mountain tops with a flick of the wrist. It was downright scary.
No.
Scary didn’t even begin to cover it…
But he was Hercule Satan. He couldn’t let anyone see him flinch.
There the kid was, just looking at him. In his stare was only death and pain… Or rather pain, then death. Mr. Satan raised both of his arms in a clamorous shout.
“Yeeaaaaaaugh!”
* * *
Luna’s teeth creaked as she gritted with effort. What was taking so long? “Twilight? T’would not now be a good time to snatch him? Wherefore art thou waiting?!”
The glow off of Twilight’s horn intensified further, throwing sharply outlined shadows against the walls and across the lab equipment as she growled with effort. “There’s… some sort of power nearby… numerous power sources! Something I can’t put my hoof on, but it’s interfering with the dimensional gateway!”
Twilight’s brows furrowed as she continued to refine her focus. “Rrrgh. C’mon, it’s almost as if this champion has numerous magical wards shielding him from outerdimensional interference!”
“Come now, Twilight!” Luna grunted, quickly swiping a hoof across her brow to keep the sweat from running into her eye. “Art thou the Element of Magic or not?”
“I’m trying, Celestia darn it!” Twilight retorted. Angling her magic to find a vector of approach, Twilight suddenly found one as the hue-man raised his arms and shouted. The new position his arms were in acted almost as a collector for the magical flux, and from the effort Twilight was pushing her magic through, the inertia was overcome, pulling her from her position on this side of the rift.
* * *
In a dazzling flash of mana and ionized gasses, the imposing figure of Hercule Satan was suddenly replaced by a diminutive purple creature, vaguely equine in nature and sporting both a horn and a pair of wings.
“LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, IN A STUNNING TURN OF EVENTS, MR. SATAN HAS SUDDENLY BEEN REPLACED BY A PURPLE UNICORN WITH WINGS! UNLESS HE HAS SUDDENLY TRANSFORMED, BUT THAT’S CRAZY! I’VE SEEN A LOT OF CREATIVE ATTACKS IN MY DAY, BUT THIS ONE HAS STRUCK ME COMPLETELY SPEECHLESS! I MEAN, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY! WHAT WILL THE JUNIOR CHAMPION, MR. TRUNKS, DO?”
Twilight winced as she looked around, squinting in the glaring daylight after having been cooped up in her secret laboratory for the past forty-five minutes. She grimaced as the announcer continued to rant and rave about the spectacle, laying it on thick with the hyperbole. “Speechless my flank.” She rolled her eyes. “He hasn’t shown any signs of slowing down yet… Besides, does he have to say everything as if it needed to be in all-caps?!”
Twilight didn’t need to angle her ears around to understand that her appearance had left the crowd stunned and confused. She knew this had been a bad idea from the start, but at least she had a better sense of the sources of power around her, scattered among the spectators in the stands of all things.
“Um. What are you supposed to be?”
Twilight turned back around to regard the little hue-man in front of her. She smirked at the ridiculousness of the name of this particular species.
Hue-man. Really?
They were all practically the same hue, somewhere in the range of a deep brown to a creamy-light tan: the assumption that they should be known for their hues was laughable. That being said, the competitor in front of her, the one she assumed was the junior champion known as Trunks had hair a very nice shade of lavender. So that was something, she guessed. It wasn’t as nice as her particular shade of purple, or anywhere near the nice pink of Fluttershy’s mane... Let alone Pinkie Pie’s.
...No, seriously. Just let her alone.
Twilight’s ears perked up as she heard Luna’s magically projected voice in her head. Twilight, what in Cerberus’ Smoldering Hades are you doing? Get out of there! Everypony will see you!
Rolling her eyes, Twilight prepared a response. What with the direct mental link-up Luna had magically formed, it was difficult to filter out her snark.
Well, It’s not like I tried to leap across dimensions and face off against the junior champion of the Hue-mans in another universe. Besides that, it’s just a teensy bit late to worry about being seen!
Well, get your little pony-butt back here quick! Follow my mental link and backtrack through the mana residuals to retrace your path! Quick, before the rift closes!
Trunks was scratching his head in confusion. “So… do I face off against you then? Is this like your second form or something? Cause it’s kind of lame.”
Twilight turned and glared back at him. “Hey! Do I stand before your rulers and call them lame?”
“Um. Actually, my ruler’s a dog, so I just refer to him as a son of a… never mind”
Twilight blinked twice before shaking her head and focusing back on the rift. It was still open, but it was beginning to narrow. “Does your mom know you say stuff like that?”
Trunks shook his head with a smirk, his bangs flopping back and forth for a moment. “No, but if you hang around my dad for a while…he’s super cool so it all checks out.”
“M’kay. Gotta go!” Twilight made her final adjustments to her arcano-matrix and triggered the spell. In a flash that defied both time and space an insulted their mother, Twilight was back in her laboratory.
“Twilight!” Luna sighed with relief before pulling the smaller mare into a hug. “Thank goodness you are alright.”
“I’m fine, Luna.” Twilight assured. “But… where is the hue-man we captured?”
Luna stepped out of the way and wearily pointed with a hoof. “The hue-man was most vexed and in a state of great agitation. After the third time of demanding to be returned to his Videl, we had to enclose him in a soundproof force bubble so that he would not distract us as we worked towards your expeditious return.”
Twilight looked past Luna’s shoulder noticing the glimmering blue shield, surrounding the furious hue-man as he pounded fruitlessly against the barrier from the inside. He was obviously very upset, emphatically pointing back at the space where the rift had been and shouting. His mouth was enormous. At this rate, she was hesitant to have Luna deactivate her field.
“Well!” Twilight stood up and headed for the stairway back out, her tone declaring a note of finality. “It seems my work is done, and it looks like you have things well in hoof!”
“I, uh… we might… uh—” Luna stuttered before she opened her mouth not unlike a stunned and rather blue fish.
Twilight began to make her way back up to the main level. ”I only hope that you can work this out. And that we can put that thing back where he came from. Good luck!”
“I won’t repeat myself again! Let me out of this bubble, you blue horse! Pulling me right out of the World Martial Arts Championship, what the hell were you thinking? I can’t let my fans down, I’ve gotta go back! Are you listening to me?”
Mr. Satan watched as the smaller purple horse shook her head before making her way up the stairs and out of the chamber. She didn’t seem to want to stick around at all, giving an apologetic smile and saying something before she left.
Wait, saying something? That couldn’t be right.
Whatever she said, though, the larger blue one didn’t look pleased. After watching the smaller one go, Blue Horse’s eyes found his, narrowing slightly as she approached, step by measured step. Impossibly, her mane started to increase in it’s meandering flow, dancing about as if it were under the influence of water currents… Either that or hallucinogenic drugs. And that’s when her horn began to glow.
Wait, flowing hair?
Those other fighters back on planet earth, the ones that defeated Cell… when their hair started flowing like that was when things went crazy… mountains started blowing up and stuff—
Glowing horn?
Well, those other fighters lit up with some kind of energy over the rest of their bodies, too. Was this horse about to kill him?
This didn’t look good. Hercule rapidly backed up until the back of the bubble slapped up against his prodigious, er… chiseled backside. He held up an arm, waving it frantically, er… emphatically to get the blue horse’s attention.
“Uh, now—let’s not be hasty! I’m sure this all just some big misunderstanding, right? You were probably just stopping in to grab a corndog, or maybe some of the universe’s best coffee on your way through, and you got a little disoriented! Probably just amazed at my awesome fighting style, right? Or maybe you just wanted my autograph? Well, the great Mr. Satan never lets down a fan—uh, I even got a pen!” He took a few tentative steps forward. “Where do you want me to sign?”
“Silence, hue-man!” The blue horse sure did have a set of pipes, and she didn’t sound very happy. “Is every member of your species so verbose and annoying?”
“Well, I’m sure there’s a few, but as for myself, all the ladies consider me articulate and sensitive!” Mr. Satan crossed his arms proudly. “I also have a world-wide following and the biggest fan club on the planet, 88% of them female! I’ve sold out fight arenas thirty-eight times in a row!”
“Verily?” Luna deadpanned, one eyebrow elevated to singular heights of abstraction. “In that case, we have a proposition.” Luna turned to the side, circling behind the creature as her armored horseshoes echoed off the bare walls of Twilight’s laboratory. She drew closer, her lustrous mane brushing lightly against Hercule’s opposite shoulder as she came along his side. “A proposition that shall make you famous.”
“Famous?” Mr. Satan’s eyes found their old familiar fire.
“Thou wilt be held in such high esteem that your name will be carried across mare’s lips throughout the land.”
Mr. Satan stroked his iconic handlebar mustache. “Well. That’s nothing new. Why back on my world all of the ladies… wait, did you say mare’s lips?”
I did indeed, fair creature.” Luna reared up to place one foreleg across the hue-man’s broad shoulders. “The heart of each and every mare will flutter. Thy visage will bring about such feelings of intense—”
“—Whoa, whoa slow down there missy. I’m not sure I want mares getting any intense feelings of—”
“—Our name is Princess Luna.”
“Blue pony says what now?”
Luna stood taller, making sure to display her full regal station. Her mane billowed with energy, the constellations of her mane lighting up all the brighter in their singular grace. “Forgive us our manners, fair combatant. You may call us Princess Luna, Ruler of the Night.”
“A princess, eh?” Mr. Satan scratched at the stubble across his noble jawline before going on in a more subdued voice. “One that seems to suffer from pronoun trouble.”
Luna’s mouth hung open for a second, before she returned his scrutinizing gaze with a glare.
“Well then! Now that I’m talking to someone that’s in charge, maybe this misunderstanding can be resolved, and you can get me back to my tournament. I have my adoring fans to get back to after all— there’s no telling what may happen if I don’t win like I’m expected to!”
“But what about all of the innumerable fans you would have here?” Luna frowned. “What of the mares?”
Mr. Satan scratched at his head for a moment. “I’m not sure what you think I’d find enticing about that, so… I’m just going to wait over there where that glowing light used to be. If that purple horse was responsible, let’s make sure she fixes it pronto!”
It was at this moment that a small gray possum came out from behind Luna’s mane. As soon as the furry grey creature took notice of the visitor, he scurried across the laboratory floor whiffling and sniffing as he went until he got to the side of Mr. Satan’s leg. Princess Luna watched with concern, a hoof brought up to her lips.
“Well!” Mr. Satan’s face broke into a broad grin as he got down to one knee, holding a hand out for the little possum to sniff. “Who is this little guy?” Without hesitation, the possum clambered up his arm and perched upon his shoulder, nose twitching before he made himself comfortable.
“Aw! Well, aren’t you just the most precious thing?” Mr. Satan stood up, looking back to Princess Luna who was struggling to hide her growing smile. “What?”
“Why don’t you try just a single match, Mr. Satan? My opponent’s champion has bested my own chosen representative for twenty-seven times now.” Luna’s eyes somehow grew larger and watery, while her lower lip began to quiver. The sight was starting to wrench his manly heart and turn it to putty. “Why, even my darling little sidekick, Tiberius there, has been in a blue funk. So many matches without a victory! So many times he’s had to hide his face in shame! You don’t want to see little Tiberius like that? Do you?” Now Luna was cocking her head to the side, and her eyes had somehow grown enormous. It was more than he could take, as his heart began to do palpitations in his chest.
Mr. Satan cleared his throat before he stood straight and tall, his fists perched defiantly on his hips. “Well, that just won’t stand at all. Getting our little Tiberius blue, you say? Now you’re speaking my language!”
Mr. Satan leaned back and released a loud and boisterous laugh. “Whatever this chump is doing to defeat your representatives, it comes to an end, here and now! We’ll see what he can do against my Fearful Fist attack!”
“Huzzah!” Luna cheered, glomping onto Mr. Satan from behind, nearly scaring the curl right out of his hair and causing him to stumble forward. “Come! There is much for us to discuss and prepare! The next match comes up this weekend. You’ll stay in my most luxurious guest suite! You’ll have whatever foodstuffs and training materials you require! Come, my Knight of the Night!”
Mr. Satan settled down from his surprise, now that he was used to the weight of the smaller blue mare hanging on his shoulders from behind. He rubbed his ear in pain from the sheer volume of the grinning, excitable princess. “Night of the night? Isn’t that a little redundant?”
“Nonsense!” Princess Luna snorted. “Come! Let us depart!” With a flash of her horn they both disappeared, leaving Twilight’s silent as if nothing had happened.
Twilight’s eyes roved over the blueprints for the Canterlot Colosseum. The locations of the air ducts were indeed depicted throughout the structure, as Twilight knew they would be. Blueprints were not the easiest things to find in the Canterlot archives.
Not the easiest for ponies not named Twilight Sparkle.
She spread her hooves further to keep the sheet of rolled bond paper flat, swallowing nervously. This would be the first time she had ever broken into a structure illegally, and the thought made her stomach feel like it had a hollow pit in the middle.
Well, that wasn’t exactly true—she had broken into places numerous times when she was adventuring or saving the day with her friends—she had just never done so alone before. Somehow, breaking and entering with friends just seemed more legitimate… because second-story work is magic?
Twilight ducked her head beneath some of the furnace ductwork, the emanating heat making her forehead perspire. Carefully, she reached out with her magic to loosen the hex-screws holding the access panel in place. “Ugh. I should have just bought a ticket like everypony else. I mean - I want to see what all of the hullabaloo is about, but after what I said to Celestia, I can’t let myself be seen! That alien sure looked impressive though…”
After a moment, she shook her head and refocused on her task. “I mean, the whole principle is wrong! What if some other alien civilization suddenly popped up on our own world, stealing ponies away to be contestants in some sort of competition or fight? What if they were stolen away to be experimented on!”
Twilight paused again, the untwisting screw on the second corner halting its motion. Her brow furrowed as she began to imagine the possibilities.
“Nope! So much nope, I can’t let myself do that!”
She went back to her work, freeing up the third screw, and finally the fourth when she noticed a slight draft across her flank. It was almost as if somepony had opened the door to the machinery room she was working in.
“You! Purple pony! You’re not supposed to be there!”
Twilight startled upright, her horn neatly piercing the ductwork metal surface. Surprised and a little wounded, she pulled her horn free and was met with a blast of warm air to the face. Cursing under her breath, she spun around to see who had caught her, red hooved - or horned as the case may be.
“I’m here on official busin—” Twilight’s eyes widened considerably as she did a double take. Twilight looked over the pony’s yellow-orange coat, his flashy blue mane obscured partly by his security guard hat?
“Flash? Flash Sentry?! What in Equestria are you doing working Colosseum security?”
Flash lifted a hoof and scratched at the back of his neck, chuckling nervously. “Oh, you know… the Crystal Empire scene was getting kind of stale, so I needed to explore new horizons… see the world.”
Twilight frowned. “And you’re seeing the world by working security? In Canterlot?”
“Never mind that!” Flash grimaced. “What are you doing… in the West stadium furnace room?”
Suddenly, the hot air blowing from the punctured ductwork made her backside feel just that much warmer. Twilight flicked her tail in annoyance.
“I’m doing important... investigational work! There is a problem going on that I, as the Princess of Friendship, need to take care of…” She placed a hoof over her heart, hoping that would sell her case.
“Um, what sort of problem?”
“An inter-dimensional problem! One that needs my help in particular!”
Flash Sentry waved his hooves defensively. “Okay, okay! You’re only trying to help, I get it…” They both stood there for another moment, the situation growing awkward. “You want I stand watch while you do your snooping?”
“That’d be great.”
“You know I could always get you a ticket?”
Twilight knew he was just trying to be helpful, but she couldn’t stop her gaze from going a little flat. “Just… watch the door.”
Flash’s eyebrows went up. Twilight began to turn around, but found that he hadn’t moved yet. “Not me, the door! The... the closed door!” Flash gave a hurried salute and stepped back, shutting the door in his own face.
Twilight sighed, shaking her head. Activating her horn, she turned around and performed a mending spell, knitting together the torn metal from her horn-puncture. That done, she began to clamber through the access panel, muttering under her breath. “I can’t believe I’m about to go through with this…”
* * *
“Fillies and gentlecolts! It is time for the main event of the evening!”
Lights flashed and danced across the screen of the ventilation shaft, causing Twilight to flinch back. The ductwork she had chosen had positioned her exactly over the fighting ring, many meters high in the air. Unfortunately, layers of dust and grime had caked the screen across the opening, obscuring her view. Twilight huffed. Surely just one of the janitors could be a pegasus?
Hmph.
Lighting her her horn carefully, Twilight cleared out enough detritus to see better. She hoped the aura of her magic didn’t draw anypony’s attention down below. What with the commotion of the fight about to start, she figured it would be okay.
The noise of the crowd surged, as this was finally the moment they had been waiting for. Everypony focused on the fighters as they entered the ring while a unicorn, dressed in a dapper tuxedo, stepped to the middle with a microphone held aloft in his magic.
“It’s...TIME!” The unicorn struck a dramatic pose, giving a little hop on his hooves before, turning to point his folded program towards the hue-man to his right. “FIGHTING, out of the red corner, a creature never seen or heard of before in ALL of Equestria: here from parts unknown! He is an experienced fighter, specializing in all sorts of martial arts that nopony has ever heard of, and yet he is undefeated in all of his matches that nopony has ever seen. Fillies and colts, the Lunar Challenger, it’s…”
The unicorn’s voice bubbled up into a tremendous crescendo, carrying a prolonged “M” before releasing the tension like and explosion.
“Mmmmmmmmr. Hercule… SATANNNNNNNNNN!” Twilight found herself struggling not to hop up and down in the air vent and cheer. What was coming over her? The cheering outside was loud, but the din was quickly swallowed up in the volume of an ear-shattering cheer.
“HUZZAH!”
Twilight watched as Mr. Satan gave a confident closed-mouth grin, staring down his opponent. He placed his blunt claws on his hips, not bothering to remove his maroon-colored robes, and started to flex his pectorals, alternating from the right to the left and back again.
Mr. Satan was saying something, but Twilight couldn’t make out any of it over the noise of the crowd. She quickly cast an eavesdropping spell so she could listen in.
The tuxedo-unicorn spun the other way, now pointing the folded program held in his hoof emphatically towards the champion.
“And now.... FIGHTING, out of the blue corner, a minotaur who needs no introduction! Hailing from his hometown of Oreford, Minos. A black-belt in Moo-jitsu and Moo Duk Kwan. He is also a master in the earth pony fighting style of Hoof Kuen. Undefeated over his solar career with thirty-two wins with no losses, defending his title successfully twenty-seven times in a row!
Twilight could have sworn she heard the Lunar Alicorn’s voice in the background cry out: “Fie! A pox upon thee!”
“It’s your champion… IRONNNN... WILLLLLLLL!”
The crowd broiled into a frenzy. Without warning, fireworks exploded around the air duct, no more than three meters from Twilight’s head, causing her to cry out and fall on her rump in a panic.
“You’re going down, you hairless gibbon! In the first round, and I’m not fibbin!”
Twilight scuttled back to the ventilation grate, her eavesdrop spell still functioning. Iron Will was full of pithy alliterations, and she knew that voice anywhere. Sure enough, there he was, prancing back and forth on his side of the ring. The Hue-man merely walked up to the center where the referee was standing. His grin was lucid—almost like he knew something the minotaur didn’t.
The tuxedo unicorn brought his microphone to the referee’s muzzle, a grizzled earth pony who looked like he had seen the business end of one too many hooves.
“Okay, fighters—” Goodness, his voice sounded like just finished gargling with gravel, and then got his uvula caught in a blender. “—I want a clean fight. No hits to the groin. No eye gouging or rabbit punches. No kicks to an already downed opponent. Touch gloves and then return to your corner.”
The two touched gloves and separated. A clopping sound began to draw Twilight’s attention away for a moment, and she looked around curiously until she noticed that it was her own two hooves that she was excitedly clapping together. Was she… actually looking forward to this? That couldn’t be right! Such things were barbaric! Twilight dropped her hooves and hurriedly leaned forward to look down again.
The announcer pony was gone, leaving the ref standing between the two combatants. “Red fighter are you ready? Blue fighter are you ready? Let’s get it on!” That was it: the signal to begin. The two warily approached.
As the crowd began to chant, Twilight followed the two fighters with her eyes. Iron was shuffling back and forth, and holding his arms up in a fighter’s stance, but Mr. Satan just stood there with his arms folded, watching him. That didn’t seem to make any sense at all. While she rubbed her chin with a hoof, studying the differing styles of the two combatants, a booming voice rang out over everypony.
“GIVE ‘IM THE HORN, WILL!”
Twilight gaped in astonishment. She knew that cake-scented Royal Canterlot Voice anywhere. She just… had never heard that motherly and gentle voice sound so savage and violent!
Iron Will made some powerful gestures, chopping his meaty arms though the air. “Come at me, ape. Don’t wait all day. Let’s get it together so I get to play!”
Mr. Satan threw back his head and laughed, pointing a finger at the larger minotaur. “You think your cute little rhymes are gonna scare me, cow man? I eat burgers every Tuesday and Thursday!”
Iron Will closed in. “I don’t know what your hayburger intake has to do with anything, but if ya wanna talk food, I’m gonna fold you in half like a pita!”
Iron Will’s left jabbed out in a flash, almost quicker than Twilight’s eyes could follow. The speed surprised her, given the massive bulk that he had. One jab became many as a flurry of punches followed, heading for Mr. Satan’s head. Blow after blow rained down, inflicting impressive damage to his exposed—-
—wait... Not a single punch was landing, as Hercule kept smiling and dodging. A duck to the side here, a spin, a side-step and a shoulder maneuver there… how many ways could the hue-man devise to dodge around?
“What’s the matter Mr. Cow?” Mr. Satan laughed as he stepped out of range yet again. “Ever heard of a speed bag? What kind of martial arts do you practice again? Cow Foo Dung?”
Iron Will continued to swing wildly until he stopped with a snort and lunged forward, grappling onto the loose robes that the hue-man was still wearing. His glare turned into a victorious smirk. “You may be a quick little monkey, I’ll give you that. But let’s see who’s head is harder!”
Iron Will drove his forehead straight down, causing Twilight to gasp in horror. But then in a surprise development, Iron Will’s head head kept going. Mr. Satan had slipped out of his robes somehow, and was standing to the side, arms still folded.
“Well, thanks! Since you’re holding my karategi like one of my trainees, why don’t you hang it up too… oh! Well, it looks like you already took care of it.”
Iron Will spun around, but was still blinded with his head was caught up in the robes. Apparently, his horns had entered both of the sleeves of the ‘karategi’ and he was having a difficult time disentangling himself.
Mr. Satan stepped back and bellowed a hearty laugh while Iron Will thrashed about. That is until one of Will’s horns clipped the hue-man beneath his eye, slicing open his cheek and causing him to stagger back.
Iron will finally succeeded in pulling the robe off, and he didn’t look too happy. Mr. Satan didn’t look very pleased, either.
“That’s it monkey. You’re going down! Nopony makes Iron Will look like a clown!” The minotaur lowered himself into a crouch, apparently preparing to come at the hue-man like a battering ram. Amazingly, Mr. Satan got into a similar pose.
“Hercule, what in Equestria art thou doing?” Luna’s Royal Canterlot Voice now came to the forefront. “Stop thy incessant banter and thy squirreling about and smite the beast!”
Unbelievably, Hercule turned his back on Iron Will and pointed toward the Lunar Royal Box. “Hey! Trust me Lulu, I know what I’m doing! Don’t you worry your pretty little head, and don’t let Tiberius doubt for a moment. This chump’ll never lay a hoof—”
It looked like the hue-man was about to say more, but it was at that moment that Iron will made his impact, having charged across the ring like an out of control pain-train. Mr. Satan got thrown forward with a sickening crunch as Iron Will’s head made collided with the middle of his lower back.
The collision was horrifying, and for a second, the hue-man resembled a filly’s rag-doll. That must have been Iron Will’s finishing move! Twilight held her breath, hoping that somehow his spine hadn’t been shattered in two.
Mr. Satan coughed and wheezed as he started to slump down. “Ow. Is that… is that all you got?”
“I’m just getting warmed up!” Iron Will roared. He tried to pull his head back while Mr. Satan continued to slide down, but unfortunately, Mr. Satan had nowhere to go. One of Iron Will’s horns had embedded itself deeply in the corner post, just between Mr. Satan’s legs, so the hue-man ended up sitting squarely atop Iron Will’s head.
Suddenly seeming to realize where he was, Mr. Satan stopped wincing in pain and grabbed the minotaur’s remaining horn with his right hand while he held up his left making the sign of a “V,” mugging for the audience.
“Ah hah! Yes, that’s right, folks! I wore him out before I drew him into my trap!” Cough, cough. “And now I’ve caught the bully by the horns! Only now does this chump learn that Mr. Satan is too quick, too crafty, and too excellent of a—”
Before Mr. Satan could finish his monologue, the minotaur twisted his powerful neck to the side violently, smacking his free horn into Mr. Satan’s chest and sending him hurtling him into the boxing ring ropes. The hue-man made a valiant effort to roll off of them gracefully, but he mostly skipped off and crashed to the mat, landing like a sack of loosely packed potatoes. Twilight winced as she saw him finally come to a rest, his backside high in the air. At least the creature wore pants, or this position would be even less flattering than it already was.
With a crack of splintering wood, Iron Will freed up his horn and snorted, steam blasing from his nostrils. “You try to grab my horn? You gonna wish you never been born!” Iron Will rushed in, but Mr. Satan had climbed to his feet again. The two met in the middle, seemingly matched strength for strength as they clenched with each other, until Mr. Satan quickly drew back and down, pulling the minotaur over him. In the blink of an eye, the hue-man completed the roll, planting both feet into minotaur’s belly and launching him upside down into the a corner post with a crash. The maneuver was so stunning, so unexpected… that Twilight had a difficult time parsing out what just happened. Iron Will was suddenly upside down, his legs from the knees down hanging backwards over the top rope. .
“Now, that’s more like it! Mr. Satan stepped up, and placing his foot over the edge of Iron Will’s nose ring effectively pinning his upside-down snout to the floor.
“AH! Not my ring! Not—AH!” Iron will struggled uselessly but he couldn’t move his head very far. “Ya darn monkey! Let go!”
Mr. Satan’s eyes tracked up the creature, falling on his entangled legs before smirking.
“You call that a quadriceps? Hah! What’s the matter, avoided leg-day too many times at the gym?” Mr. Satan leaned forward and twisted Iron Will’s legs, quickly pinning them into a figure four position and applying pressure with his grab.Iron Will’s grew considerably larger before he started pounding the mat with a fist.
“I give up! I give!”
The crowd was stunned into silence, before a raucous cheering emerged from the Lunar Royal Box. Numerous chirps and squeals of the bat ponies could be heard which were quickly drowned out be a very loud, very exuberant shout.
“HUZZAH! My knight will be champion FOREVER!”
* * *
It was late, but Twilight couldn’t be bothered with sleep when she had such burning questions to handle. Turning another leaf of the ancient tome, Twilight blew her bangs out of the way and continued to pour herself into her studies. Interdimensional theory had always been an interesting subject, but now? Now, if the doodles in the margins of the notebook Twilight was using were any indication, now it was the most interesting subject anywhere! Twilight couldn’t get the images out of her mind—how the Alien moved, how he dodged? How confident and self-assured he looked as he crowed about his coming victory… what Ponyville stallion acted like that? And my oh my, thinking about those impressive muscular pecs…
Twilight shook her head suddenly to clear it, returning to where she left off in the tome.
It had been two days since the contest between Iron Will and the hue-man, Mr. Hercule Satan. When the hue-man learned that Twilight had gained the knowledge to return him to the exact point in time from which he was taken, he begged her to let him continue on for a while, and to train. Twilight couldn’t help but notice how Princess Luna also nudged her shoulder up against him, and how his hand snaked over to glide down her graceful neck, running his digits through her starry mane.
The whole experience had filled her young mind with questions and ideas!
A sharp knock at her study door broke Twilight out of her reverie. She sat up from the position she had been in, flicking her wings out to stretch them before calling out over her shoulder.
“What do you need Spike? ...I’m a little busy!”
The door opened part way, revealing a pair of apologetic green eyes belonging to her trusted assistant. “Sorry, Twi. But Princess Celestia is here. She said that—”
“Ah, my dear Twilight!” Princess Celestia gushed, pushing her way past the smaller drake. “It’s so good to see you again… I see you have been focused on some exciting new area of study, surrounded by books?”
Twilight looked back at the desk she had been sitting at, suddenly embarrassed by the stacks of books piled so high they obscured the light spilling from the windows. Each of the titles were a dead give away, labeled with concepts such as metaphysics, universal thermodynamics, physical sciences, magical gateways, and interdimensional theory. Twilight’s mind raced as she considered what to do. It would look far too suspicious if she suddenly whisked them away before Celestia got a chance to look at the titles, but neither did Twilight want her to see what she had been doing. Not after the whole scene in Canterlot with all of the newspaper and tabloid articles on Mr. Satan and his origins.
Twilight jumped away from the desk, running up to meet Celestia who was still standing closer to the door of the study. “Yes! New area of study! I’m always looking into one thing or another, getting sucked into one rabbit hole or another. Ahem.” Twilight cringed for a moment. “Anyway! This is no proper place to meet with a Princess, no siree! Why don’t we go downstairs to the map room for some tea—”
Celestia blinked her eyes pleasantly as she turned to Spike. “Spike? Could you be a dear and get us some tea? Twilight and I need to have a conversation in private.”
Spike looked doubtfully from Twilight and back to Celestia again. Celestia was smiling pleasantly, but Twilight looked like a nervous wreck and was subtly shaking her head. “Uh… sure thing Princess Celestia. I can get you two some tea. Twilight has been holed up in here for two days, but she hasn’t told me anything about what is bothering her. I hope you can help?”
Celestia’s smile became more warm. “Absolutely, Spike. Thank you!” The eyes of both alicorns tracked Spike as he made his way to the door. One pair calculating, the other looking betrayed. The door finally clicked behind him.
Twilight felt like a rat trapped in maze. The books resting on her desk seemed to be begging for attention, ready to tell Celestia all, any question she might think to ask them.
“Stupid, traitorous tomes…” Twilight fumed.
“What was that?”
“Nothing!” Twilight gave a toothy grin. “Nothing… so what can I do for you, Celestia?”
The alicorn paused in her pacing, turning herself about so she could face Twilight directly.
“So, Twilight. I have just two questions…”
“Um, yes Celestia?”
“First of all… How did you enjoy the Royal Fight Club match?” Princess Celestia had a mischievous smirk on her face while she watched Twilight’s cheeks color with embarrassment.
Twilight swallowed.
“And Secondly... could you please open a dimensional portal for me?”
Twilight’s pupils shrank to pin-pricks. “How… how do you know about that?”
“My.dear sister has been lording her victory over me for the past two days, and while it has been upsetting, it has caused me to become quite motivated. I set a task on my secret agents, and they have not disappointed… It seems that you and Luna have been busy?
“I… it wasn’t my idea, I swear!” Twilight could feel herself start to sweat bullets. “Luna put me up to it—I didn’t think it was a good idea, I said so!”
Celestia only gave her a knowing smile. “Oh, I know you probably had ethical concerns. My sister has always been a pony to skirt around the moral sides of issues from time to time… So how about it?”
Twilight blinked in confusion. “How about what?”
“How about showing me to your laboratory?’ Princess Celestia giggled. “I want an alien too!”
