A Crappy Situation
“And that there is Wave Chill. He’s pretty good, but struggles at staying in position.”
You sit on the couch with Rainbow Dash, the television playing some old wonderbolt performances. Is it necessarily the first thing you want to be doing today? Not really, if you’re being honest. But it’s nice enough. Rainbow’s usually off doing Wonderbolt stuff or world saving stuff with Twilight, that it’s nice to be able to kick back and chillax with your… well. Honestly, crush.
That line has always kind of been weird. Because neither of you been like “HEY FRIEND, LET’S BE FRIENDS.” but neither of you have said the ‘Date’ word either, so that’s how it goes. All you can do is kind of suck it up until something changes.
And even better? It’s a wonderful change of pace to be able to actually hang out at Rainbow’s place for once. Thanks to a spell that Twilight put on your shoes, you have absolutely no problem not falling through the clouds. Though, you have to admit, the idea of falling through the clouds is absolutely horrifying to you, so you’re doing absolutely everything in your power not to think about it.
So whatever you do, don’t thinking about falling tragically to your death.
“You know,” you say. “Can we pause this? I need to make a quick pit stop.”
“Oh yeah, sure.” Rainbow says. “You know where it is?”
“Yeah, second on the right, right?”
“Yeah,” Rainbow says, laying out on the couch. “I’ll just close my eyes till you’re back.”
“Alright,” you say, heading out of the living room and towards the bathroom. Once you get in, you really don’t think twice until you sit down on that porcelain throne. In fact, it’s not porcelain at all. It’s cloud. What else would it be made of, ya silly person?
You squeeze those pelvic muscles, kick out a nice, strong push and-
There’s no splash. Where is the butt-hole wetting splash?
You sit up, looking down to the toilet, and sure enough, there’s now a huge hole that goes from the the top of the toilet all the way down through the bottom of the house, and you see a small brown turd flying down into Ponyville.
“Oh shit,” you say, pulling your pants up. “Rainbow. RAINBOW!”
You wash your hands, because you aren’t a fucking degenerate, then bust out the door and into the living room.
“Rainbow, we have a problem.”
“What?” Rainbow asks.
“I think I just shit on Ponyville.”
Rainbow’s eyes open and she remains stock still, taking in what you said.
“You did what?” she asks.
“I mean. I guess I thought, clouds were equipped to handle those things.”
“Yeah, I mean,” Rainbow continues. “It is. For pegusai and other ponies. How… uhm. How serious are we-”
“Half of my arm.”
“Dear Celestia,” Rainbow mutters. “And it’s going right down on-”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, this is fine. I have a plan,” Rainbow says. “We’re moving.”
“What?”
“Yeah, it’s a cloud. It moves. Like a trailer,” Rainbow says. “But you also caused major damage to my house. So we need to figure that out.”
“Well, It’s all clouds. It’s not like we can just MAKE more clouds.”
Rainbow Dash stares at you blankly.
“Anon… Just how do you think we got enough solid clouds not to build this place, but all of Cloudsdale.”
“I, uh,” you say.
“Actually, nevermind. Let me go take care of it. You just sit and… don’t… do anything.”
Rainbow goes inside the bathroom and closes the door to the bathroom behind her. You sit on her couch and take a deep breath, trying to collect yourself.
“This is going to be fine, Anon. You’ve only dropped a John Mason bomb on Ponyville. This is going to be fine. There must be, like protocols for how these things happen. In fact, I’m sure this happens sometimes in cloud sewage systems.”
Then you stop yourself. That phrase… concerns you. Cloud sewage systems. Just how DOES sewage get drained from clouds?
You rise to your feet, noticing a small bookcase that Rainbow owns. In between the Daring Doo books, the Wonderbolt books, and comics, you notice one book that stands out from the rest. “A Brief History of Cloudsdale: ‘We built this Sh*t’”.
Strange.
You open the book and begin to flip through it. As you finally hit a few later chapters, it contains some blueprints for the city. And to your luck, the sewage system! Which leads to…
Cloud processing?
The toilet flushes.
“You’re lucky I built this place myself, Anon. It’s not easy doing your own cloud home repairs.”
You blink blankly.
“You… built this place yourself?”
“Yeah. Why? Hey. What book is that?”
You look down at the book, then to Rainbow.
“Why does all of Cloudsdale sewage go to cloud production.”
Rainbow sighs, sadly.
“Really? This is how you have to find out?” she asks rhetorically, trying to avoid the conversation. You push past rainbow and into the bathroom once more.
The holes in the toilet are gone. The cloud holes are gone. You look to the book. You look to Rainbow.
“DO PEGUSAI POOP CLOUDS?!” you scream.
“Well, it’s more complicated than that, Anon,” she says. “Now take a deep breath.”
“IS THIS YOUR POOP HOUSE?!” You scream, dropping the book.
“Anon. Please. Calm down.”
You take a deep breath and take a quick moment to recompose yourself.
“Well, I have new found respect for how nice this place smells.”
“Well, thank you, Anon,” Rainbow says with a smile. “I worked really hard at-”
“BUT YOU LIVE IN YOUR OWN SHIT!”
“HEY! MY SPECIES HAS LIVED IN OUR SHIT FOR YEARS! WE HAVE AN EMPIRE OF SHIT!”
“WELL YOU HAVE A SHIT EMPIRE.”
“THAT’S THE IDEA.”
You try your best not to shiver and lose your mind at the new found realization that this place is literally a sewage dump. But, on the other hand, it sure does make housing cheap.
“Can… can I just ask one question?” Anon asks.
“Is it going to be about cloud poop?” Rainbow asks, “If so, probably not. The children have their fun when they’re young, but you grow out of it.”
“No, it’s not about poop.”
“Oh,” Rainbow says. “Then shoot. What is it?”
“So, poop turns into clouds… where does the pee go?” you ask.
Rainbow sighs once more.
“Really? You really want to know?”
“Honestly?” you say. “Yeah. I feel like I need to know.”
“Well, you know how there different kinds of clouds? Cirrus, cumulus, stratus. And each make their own kind of storms and weather? All that stuff?”
“Yeah, I remember high school science,” you mumble.
“Well the pee is stored in the squalls.”