Justin lives a dangerous life, having to have sex with different ponies in order to stay healthy, even if it hurts them. What happens when he meets a mare he doesn't think he can quit?
As far as near-anyone is concerned, Justin is a simple stallion. What they don't know, what they can't know, is that the once-human doesn't eat like other ponies. Gasps, moans, the bliss of another pony's orgasm... those are his sustenance, and he needs them to stay alive. It hurts his partner though, every time, and he can't stay with one pony for long. How much can a mare take before she falters?
And what happens when he meets a pony that he wishes to sleep with again and again?
Star Singer was laying in the bed next to me, still asleep. At least, I thought that's what her name was. Probably wasn't.
I didn't care about the lie. I slipped out of bed quietly, taking my time to tuck her back in so the covers were nestled under her fuzzy chin and her hooves were pushed over to the side. She looked peaceful in her slumber, if a little fitful. I knew she wouldn't wake up for a little while—ponies never did once I was finished with them.
I walked into the bathroom, stretching off as I went, but truthfully, I felt perfect. Not tired or groggy despite the drinks I'd sank last night with the now sleeping escort. No, I felt perfect. Like I was floating on a cloud.
I opened the sliding door to the showers, tiles clean, no rust on the nozzle. I gave it a test with my horn, turning the dial and watching it shoot out a small jettison of water. Warm. Not bad for a cheap hotel. Not bad at all.
It wasn't long until I was showered, until the smell of sex was off of me. It was a smell I'd grown awfully used to over the years—almost an aphrodisiac in its own nature, I supposed. Once I was all clean, I wrapped a towel around my barrel and walked over to the mirror. A fluffy, snowy white mane sat atop my head, complimenting my light blue coat. My eyes were a shiny, ruby red. I looked... spectacular. Better than usual. That was always the case on these mornings. There was an allure to me, I could feel it—one that you didn't really have to look for, one that was almost impossible to describe. It was just... there, and that's all there was to it.
My handsome face was pervasive. It was more handsome than it had any right being, more handsome than I remembered. I smiled at it. I couldn't help it. How could I not smile at a face like that? It was fleeting moments like these that I realised why I had no trouble finding a date when I was on top of my game.
...then why had I paid for it last night? Thoughts of weeks and months past flooded my mind; I put a lid on them, pushed them back, told them to stay the hell away, and they listened. For how long, I had no clue, but they'd listened nonetheless. I'd be alright for now. I was fed. I was satisfied. I could go for a while like this.
"City Scraper?" came the call of the escort, who must've just woken up. Awfully fast, considering. I would've thought she'd be out for another hour or two. If anything, that relieved me. Meant maybe the symptoms were finally in remission.
"Yeah, I just got out of the shower!" I replied. The escort wasn't the only one who pretended to be someone else. My name was City Scraper just as much as the sky was made of daffodils, but to her, to most ponies, that's who I was. Junior architect, worked with companies in Manehatten and Las Pegasus, even Canterlot. Made good bits. Ponies didn't understand a name like 'Justin', you see. Made no sense to them.
It wasn't hard for me to remember the last time I'd told a pony my real name. That said, it was certainly hard.
I stepped out of the bathroom after having brushed my teeth, towel still around me, and found, not to my especial surprise, that Star Singer had positioned herself on the bed in a manner that showed off all of her best assets. Same old. "I'm off the clock now, but I don't suppose you'd like another turn on the house?" she batted her full, false eyelashes, and I tried to ignore the way her eyeliner had smudged and her mascara had ran from the night before. "I don't exactly make this offer often, but..." she bit her lip. I could feel a stirring beneath my sheath. It was the natural reaction to something like this. "you were damned good last night. One of the best I've had the pleasure of bedding..."
I wanted to turn her down straight away, but something got caught in my throat. She wasn't exactly a high class prostitute, but I remembered her being a good fuck. She had a thick, curly mane that had bounced when she was beneath me being filled, and a small frame that made it so I could easily see the outline of my cock inside of her when I fucked her. She'd had stamina—that was rare with any pony I bedded. Came like a sprinkler, too, and her moans were delectable.
They almost made my stomach growl.
Good body on her, she wanted some more of me. Could it hurt to simply give it to her? Lust was addling my mind, I knew it, but in moments like this, when the hardness of my length was pressing against the towel so heavily I was sure the thing was about to fall off, it was difficult to say no. No, it was more than that. It was near-impossible.
So I walked up to her. She sat there all demure and needy, nothing like the powerful presence she'd been the night before. She wanted me to take her, I could see it in her eyes, in the way her breath hitched when I ran a hoof along her side and brought it up to her mane.
I pushed her back. I didn't waste time kissing. I knew she was already wet, I could see from her expression alone. In moments, I was pressing my shaft against her stomach, weight pushing down on her and rooting her in place, hooves over her forelegs as she grinned up at me.
I felt like a predator, and she felt like a statue, her entire body locked in anticipation as she waited for me to bring it back to life. Magic was useful for lining myself up; I was hardly dexterous. I pushed the head of my cock inside her. She was an amazing fit. She cried out, and from that alone, I could feel my body beginning to burn with satisfaction. For most guys—for me, once—the cock was a conduit of pleasure, the place they'd feel it most. It was different for me. I felt that same satisfaction rocking me inside and out as I continued to enter her, pushing deeper into her soft, velvety pink flesh and robbing her of her energy.
Something in the back of my mind reminded me how little time it had been since I last fucked her.
I know, right? Lucky me.
I was going to hurt her. I knew it already, I'd made peace with it the moment I'd indulged her. The longer we carried this on, the more she moaned, the more she clenched around my throbbing cock as I pushed it in and out of her, her mane covering her face as she attempted to blow it out of the way, her body arching up as she kissed at my neck...
I ignored my creeping morality. It always intervened at the worst moments. I was trying to enjoy myself! I began to work myself into a rhythm. I'd had a lot of practice, of course, and time enough last night to work out what she liked, so I took control, and made sure to work in gentle strokes with the rough ones, to keep her guessing and with no clue what she should expect next. She was probably used to selfish guys, one and done, with no interest as to how she reacted, but I monitored her enjoyment like a caring, loving partner. I needed her to enjoy it, after all, or else I'd get nothing out of it.
She had her hind legs wrapped around me. She was a prostitute. I wouldn't need to worry about getting her pregnant even if I was able to. Knowing as much was just another reason on my growing list of why I didn't need to hold back, why I didn't need to be concerned about her. And why would I be? She was enjoying it! Did ponies that refused to let me go, that invited me over to fuck, that squeezed their soft pussies around my cock and begged me with their eyes to finish inside of them... did they need my concern?!
Her breaths were growing faint and wispy. I wondered if she was going to pass out at this rate. I shouldn't have been doing this, I needed to leave her be, to make an excuse... I was already full. What reason did I have to carry on like this, no matter how much she wanted it?
But it felt so fucking good...
All around us I could hear the wet slap of hips meeting, of her being pushed further than she understood how to cope with. Poor little Star Singer. She'd dealt with seedy, dirty men for so long that she'd forgotten what a proper fuck was like! I was here to show her now, to give her what she needed, to rejuvenate her!
Then why did she look so breathless? Why did she twitch by compulsion, almost catatonic? She wasn't being filled, she was having something taken from her. I was taking something from her. I was a parasite.
She pulled me in deeper. Must've been some last vestige of her energy. I couldn't help but cum from the feeling, cock spasming in need, entire body alight as I shot spurt after spurt of my seed into her pussy, taking what was mine, what I'd earned, the pleasure immeasurable and beyond anything I could ever remember until I was in this precise moment, a pony beneath me and a wracking crescendo of tingling bliss shaking my entire body until I was once again satisfied and still.
And then I pulled out. It wasn't a romantic thing, it didn't need to be. Star Singer was already falling asleep. I felt as if I could run ten miles and not lose my breath.
I went back to the bathroom to clean myself up. I looked in the mirror.
I looked even more attractive than earlier.
I'd left her with a large bonus and called the desk to ask for a late checkout before leaving. She was going to need the sleep. I couldn't stay. I didn't want to risk her waking up and wanting to go with me a third time.
I wanted to kick myself. Did I have no willpower? Was I really happy to make such bullshit justifications as to her infatuation with me, tell myself it was okay to fuck her again and again?
No, I needed out. It wasn't okay, and it needed to stop while she still felt good from it.
Despite the guilt wracking my mind, I felt amazing. It was hard not to. I'd not just eaten, I'd indulged. Having sex once was enough to keep me level and healthy for a good few days, but twice? It was like sipping at the elixir of life, tasting ambrosia from heaven.
I could never see that escort again. Not that I particularly wanted to, of course. Nothing special about her, she was a by-product of my need. Probably a sweet mare despite the occupation, not someone I'd want to see harm come to. Why do you think I left?
City Scraper was a stallion that a lot of ponies knew, but not many ponies knew. That was wholly intentional. My situation... it complicated things. Made it more than difficult to hold down real or meaningful relationships, even friendships. Since I'd arrived in Equestria, only a couple of ponies had ever learnt of my true nature. Princess Celestia was one of the only ones who knew me as Justin, though she knew nothing of my affliction. I'd met her three times in total, once shortly after arriving. Together, we'd agreed that it was easier for me to adopt a persona and act as if I was a pony. That it'd arouse less questions, less worries, and make the process of integrating into Equestrian society much simpler.
This was turning out to be anything but simple. But right now, I didn't want to worry about that. I went for a run. I went to the local gym and burned off some excess energy. I walked and shopped and saw sights, but nothing I did in Fillydelphia was helping me alleviate the buzz I felt right then. I ended up getting a train back sooner than I expected. Back to Ponyville, back to where I lived.
There was a simple reason I'd taken the train so far out in the first place, and it had to do with shitting where you slept. A person—or rather, pony—with my affliction had to be careful, after all. Trying to stay full and healthy at home? That would have... complicated things. Made the condition a lot more difficult to hide.
I'd often wondered what would happen to me if ponies found out. It wasn't as if it was all by choice.
Train ride was long and boring. I'd once found the fields and forests of Equestria to be an amazing thing to look at, noticed the subtle differences between the environment here and that of Earth, but as time had passed, my memory had faded some, the novelty had worn off. All just looked like trees and grass now. Quotidian. Repetitive. Long. Boring.
It was a good hour and a half until I was back in Ponyville. I kept my head down or out of the window as best I could on the train. Last thing I needed right now was another pony taking an interest in me. I doubted I'd even be courteous with them this time, probably just shoo them away. I couldn't go any further right now, after all. Bedding someone else in such a short time would be bordering on hedonism. It'd been a long time since I'd had many sexual encounters that close together. Part of me wondered what'd happen to my body as a result if I carried on.
It was mental flirtation with the idea of a high that made everything else pale in comparison. One I could scarcely recall, but would instinctively know again if I ever felt it. I tried to ignore its subtle, barely comprehensible siren call, which took form in the next pair of flanks I saw, the soft coat of a mare walking by, the voice of—Christ, voices were doing it for me too, now?
I needed to get home. Be alone for a little while. Just a few hours to cool off, and I'd be fine.
I felt like myself again. Going home had done me some good. I'd read a book, lit some candles, had a long bath that I really didn't need for the sake of cleanliness... my mind felt relaxed. It was far and away from hunger. Thoughts were clear, everything was nice and simple. I liked simple. Simple couldn't hurt anyone.
Wasn't long until I was tired of sitting around the house. It was isolated and lonely, just as I wanted it to be, but that didn't mean I enjoyed it. I decided to head out for a coffee. Figured it couldn't hurt to enjoy a hot drink.
Weather was horrible, all snowy and damp, but that was only more of a reason to warm up with a latte. I slipped on a suit before leaving, thick jacket over the top, and put some boots on my hooves that'd work through the snow a little more easily. I didn't waste time in getting to the coffee place I liked, not with the wind biting at me and attempting to throw me off course. Place was rather empty by the time I arrived. Probably not many ponies that wanted to be out in weather like this at this time of evening.
Barista was friendly and efficient. He had my drink made in moments, just how I liked it, and I, of course, left a tip. I went and sat in the corner of the coffee shop, a couch by the window with a table I could place my drink at. I held the cup over my face, hairs on my muzzle bristling from the heat. It was nice to feel something warm against me, and the aroma of the coffee was enticing. Wasn't long until I took a sip, admiring the taste and the texture. They treated their beans right here, made a damn good brew.
The coffee shop was essentially empty for a good five minutes, but the door cracked open soon after. I recognised the pony that walked in almost instantly, but I'd never been so close to her. Not in a one on one setting, either. Princess Twilight Sparkle. Easily the most important pony in this town and one of the most in Equestria, and there she was at the door, attempting and struggling to pull a large bag through the gap with her magic. She was wrapped in a coat and scarf and wore four fluffy boots, clearly dressed for the cold.
She struggled and panted and yanked at the thing with ethereal tendrils as the door still refused to budge, adorable little grunts of exertion lilting from her muzzle and carrying through the rather silent room, wind whistling outside. She was a helpless damsel, and I couldn't bring myself to watch much longer.
Placing my cup down, I walked over and pushed the door a little wider. It was a heavy thing, I could see why she was finding it fiddly. As soon as I did so, she was able to pull her bag the rest of the way through. She smiled at me. "Thanks! I was having a lot of trouble there..." she had red cheeks, and I couldn't tell if it was embarrassment or cold. "I'm Twilight. What's your name?"
I looked at her with a small measure of incredulity. I looked at the hoof she'd held out to shake even more so. I couldn't help but chuckle. "I know who you are, your highness. I'd be surprised if there was anyone who didn't. My name's City Scraper. It's an honour to meet you."
The freezing princess rolled her eyes. I kinda liked that. Almost as much as the image of an all-powerful alicorn not being able to get a door open. "What honour? We're in a coffee shop, not a diplomat's meeting. I'm just a normal pony, call me Twilight. None of that princess stuff."
I liked that even more. "Alright, I'm sorry, Twilight, then." I returned the gesture, shaking her hoof. We both looked a little silly, considering each of us was wearing boots over our hooves, and it led to an awkward shared laugh. "Don't suppose there's a reason you're carrying half of Equestria in that bag?" Probably shouldn't have been asking a princess about her business, but screw it, she wanted to act casual.
"They're supplies for Ponyville's schoolhouse," she replied, and I made an effort not to wince. "Hold on. I'm just going to go get a drink, and I'll come sit with you. Couldn't hurt to have a little company."
I pondered whether she'd seen my face, felt the glow I let off, and decided I was more than worth talking to. I was probably one of the best looking stallions she'd ever seen, to my own chagrin. Sometimes, I wished it was an overly inflated sense of ego that made me say such things, rather than the simple act of me acknowledging the truth.
It wasn't long until Twilight had gotten her drink and walked over. It was a milky coffee with little chocolate sprinkles on top, sweet like her. She deposited her bag on the floor with a loud thump before taking a seat opposite me. "Hey. Sorry if this is a little forward, I just didn't really feel like sitting on my own right now."
"Something bothering you?" I asked, already knowing the answer. I really wasn't in the least bit surprised that she'd came over, and I already knew what she was going to say.
"Honestly? Yeah..." Twilight took a small sip of her drink, but she didn't seem to be able to enjoy it. It was almost like a compulsion, something she'd done just because it was there, rather than to actually savour the taste. "I made a bit of a brash decision yesterday. Told the school board that I'd be taking over classes at the schoolhouse until they found a permanent replacement for Miss Cheerilee."
"A replacement?" I repeated, taking a long sip of my drink as my eyes remained trained on Twilight.
Twilight sighed. "Cheerilee is the teacher for Ponyville's schoolhouse, and hasn't been in the best condition recently..." she cut herself off, shaking her head. "That's an understatement, sorry. Cheerilee is in the hospital. She's been in a coma for the last two weeks, and they don't think she's waking up any time soon..." Twilight propped her head up on her hooves, looking as if she wanted to simply slump. "I've got two days left to get myself caught up on their curriculum and figure out how to break it to the foals that Cheerilee might not be coming back. I'm pretty stressed, and I'm totally unloading it on you, a stranger that helped me with my bag."
To say that Twilight looked dishevelled right now would be an understatement. I'd met a princess before. Regal thing, Celestia was. Could barely sense her emotions. With Twilight, she laid them all bare. Was she meaning to? Was she always like this? Was there a reason this moment of vulnerability was stirring something in me? "It's fine." I said it by instinct. I knew things weren't fine for her, not at all, but I also felt a need to say something. "I worked as a teacher once, you know, when I was younger."
Twilight's head titled. She gave me a funny look, one that seemed to forget her stresses and replace them with glinting-eyed curiosity. "You did?" She looked me up and down, probably focussed on the suit. "You don't look like the type, if you'll excuse my saying so."
I laughed. I expected I didn't. "It's been a while." I didn't know where I was going with this, or why I was, but I kept talking regardless. I was loving this, strangely enough. "I used to enjoy helping foals, once upon a time. It's been a while, but I remember there was a lot of fun to be had out of it." I knew where I was driving at. I knew I shouldn't have been. I was doing it anyway, worries be damned. "Maybe I could help you out, somehow?"
I regretted it the moment I said it. I hoped she'd say no, that I was offering too much, or that I'd done enough for her already. But that didn't happen. No. Her eyes caught the shine of a pony who had just been given something they never realised they wanted, hit with a proposition they wouldn't have considered before. There was interest in those eyes, and I could tell it was for more than my offer. In a way, I didn’t regret it. "Are you sure you'd be able to? I wouldn't be taking up too much of your time, would I? I would really appreciate it, but you don't have to, not at all."
She was being polite, courteous, but I could hardly back out now. We both knew I'd agree. I'd offered, after all. So I nodded. I nodded and smiled, and she smiled back, and before you knew it, we were both smiling. Grinning like idiots, really. "Anything to help a pony in need," I tacked on. I didn't need to say that, wasn't sure why I did. It had slipped out in the moment like the rest of my impulsive words.
"I honestly can't thank you enough," Twilight said, blinking rapidly, her exterior looking soft and fragile. It made me hungry again, but I knew I didn't need it.
Then why was I doing this?
"Do you think you could come by the castle tomorrow afternoon? That'd be a huge help, so long as you're happy to."
What had I been thinking when I'd said yes? "Of course, that works fine by my schedule." And of course, said yes again. I wasn't thinking, was the easiest way to put it. I liked her, didn't I? It wasn't hard for me to tell that I had an interest, but it was... shocking. Not something I was used to in the slightest. Her mannerisms, maybe? The contrast between what I'd expected a pony of her station to act like and how she actually came across? Something had me hooked, that was all I knew.
And it only served to make me worry more.
“I don’t get the chance to just talk to ponies anymore these days,” Twilight sighed, in her own adorable way. It lifted me out of my slump, made me want to be sure she’d never have to sigh again. “Thank you for being here, even if it was just to hear me complain.” A pause. She sounded fragile. I didn’t want her to be, but all the same, I wouldn’t change her if I’d had the chance. “Tell me a little about you, City Scraper. Humour me. I need a distraction from all of this, and you’re the best one I could hope for.”
I could feel my heart fluttering at her words. There was something about her that was different to all of the usual suspects. They were lustful, wanting, weak-willed ponies that cared more about their own needs than simply connecting with another. It had been a long time since a pony had wanted to get to know me for me, not following some sordid evening after too many drinks. And all the while, I was wondering at the fact that she’d asked, rather than trying to come up with an answer. I was so stupid!
But she was so patient. She watched me with wide eyes, anticipating my reactions, not rushing me or otherwise spurring me along, but remaining her placid, calm, caring self. I didn’t know her, but I felt as if I knew her. It didn’t make much sense. The quickened breath I was desperate to hide didn’t either.
“I’m an architect,” I stated, rather simply, going through the usual routine as best I could. I saw her blink at that, she was impressed. My pride swelled a little. “Well, trainee architect. I still work under a senior, but I’ll be in a full position by the end of the year. I work across Equestria, ranging from modern buildings to stonemasonry designs, even railroad schematics.” A delicate hum as I considered which example to pull out, and I landed on a good one. “Have you seen the new theatre in Canterlot’s art district? Me and my team were responsible for the design.”
Twilight looked rather impressed, but there was something to her that seemed a little off. It was disarming, almost. “That’s really amazing,” she said, and it sounded genuine. “I’ve never met an architect before, trainee or not, but I think what you do is amazing. The new theatre in Canterlot is beautiful, almost reminiscent of neo-gryffonian architecture…” Her voice trailed off, it left me wondering what to say next.
Had I offended her somehow? I was scared that it might be the case, that I’d come across all boastful and self-important. I began to realise that my smile was balanced on the tip of her lips, that I was so easily distracted from a flick of her hair that I forgot where we were. And she was holding something back, I could sense it. “But?” I offered, at a loss, hoping she’d give me something to work with, allow me another chance. I’d never chased a girl like this before, and especially not just to keep on talking.
“It’s just…” Twilight hesitated, biting her lip, which was the most tantalising thing I think I’d ever seen. “You told me what you do, but you didn’t really tell me anything about you. What do you like? What’s your favourite thing to do in the world? What’s the first spell you ever cast?”
I could tell her the last spell she’d cast easily enough—it was on me. “My absolute favourite thing to do?” I honestly had to think about this. So much time I spent worrying, fighting against my own nature, trying to stay healthy… what did I really do when I wasn’t doing any of those things? What was left? What had I enjoyed more than anything else in the last however many years? “This is my favourite thing,” I answered.
“Drinking coffee after a long day?”
“Speaking to a stranger,” I answered, taking a sip of my drink, having been reminded it even existed. “Learning more about her. Wondering what else there is to know, and wanting to slowly unearth it all.” I watched as she took in my words, the hints of a blush appearing on her soft, smooth features, and then took another sip of my drink. “That and the coffee. That’s not bad either.”
She giggled. It was intoxicating. I’d never been drunk on a princess before.
“This might just be my favourite thing too.”
A few more words were exchanged between us, and before long, the princess and her heavy bag were on their way, waiting for me to come over the next day. It was only when I came down from the high that was Twilight that I had to tell myself the terrible truth.
This was too high profile. This was dangerous. She was a fucking princess of the country I lived in! If anyone was decisively off limits, if there was anypony who would surely be able to sniff out my curse, it was a pony like her! This spelt bad news, and I knew it, but what could I do now? In my stupid, wanting, selfish mind, I'd told myself it was okay to spend more time around her, that nothing would happen!
Of course something would happen. Something always happened! This was breaking rule number one, this was shitting on my own doorstep. I had something good here. A quiet town that scarcely knew who I was, somewhere I could live in relative peace, and I was doing everything in my power to fuck that up. I couldn't slip away to eat if ponies knew me here, they'd start wondering where I was going! I could only blame it on business trips for so long until someone smelled a rat, and then what would I do?
There was a blackness in my mind that swirled and smothered my thoughts like a charcoal, scorched plague. I hated myself. I hated what I had to do to live, what was born out of a cruel and ugly necessity, the condition I'd been stricken with that was just as real, just as potent as the plight of the comatose teacher's! I didn't deserve this. The ponies around me didn't deserve this.
I didn't wish to hurt anyone else.
And yet. And yet... maybe there was hope for me yet. A small one, a fleeting one, probably one I was lying to myself about if only to make myself feel better, but maybe it was hope. I hadn't been interested in a pony in a good long while, but that one? That Twilight... I wouldn't hurt her. I wouldn't let myself hurt her. I never asked Twilight what happened to Cheerilee. I only realised that now.
My thoughts finally settled, and my eyes did the same. I found myself looking at the menu, debating over a refill. I saw the sandwich options lined out on one end of the menu and grimaced a tad. I'd already eaten recently. Twice, as a matter of fact.
I thought back to Twilight one last time. Maybe I still hadn't had my fill.
I woke up the next morning feeling less amazing than I did before. I was alone in my bed. Alone didn't bode me well, as much as it did other ponies. House was attractive, neat, organised. A definite bachelor's pad, but it fitted my lifestyle. Just a shame it was always as empty as me.
I showered, got out, checked myself in the mirror. Still attractive, yes, but not that godly beacon of desirability that I'd been the day previous. There were subtle differences. My coat wasn't as fluffy, and my eyes didn't carry the same sheen. They were lacking a little of their life.
And I wasn't a creature of boundless energy anymore. I was a pony. I still felt stronger than usual, better than usual, but compared to the high yesterday had been, there was a significant difference. I took my time getting dry and ready; I didn't have to be anywhere for a little while. I'd had time to go over my actions yesterday. To regret them, to be excited for what today would bring, to feel terrible for getting excited in the first place... there were still many unanswered questions in my mind, and they were plaguing me.
I checked my mail, and found amongst the bills and other usual suspects a letter written in hoof. I threw it on a small pile with the others. I knew who it was, a pony named Fleur that I'd bedded in Canterlot a couple of months prior. I'd been rather drunk when we got together, gave her my home address and promised to keep in touch. Of course, I couldn't make good on that promise. I was only thankful that she'd never tried travelling down here and finding out why I didn't return her letters. Perhaps she was worried she'd find me with a wife and a family.
No. That'd be too simple. If I was something as simple and easy as a cheater, I'd be happy. That sounds horrible, I'm sure, but it'd be a million times better than the reality of my situation. I couldn't cheat. Mainly because I couldn't be in a relationship. I couldn't be in a relationship because I couldn't stay with a single pony, and finding others to so crudely fuck just so I could breathe for another week was as draining as it was invigorating in the aftermath.
But I convinced myself that I liked it as best I could. Who wouldn't, after all? I was the object of almost any mare's desire if I wanted to be, and I could pull most of them into bed and give them the best night of their lives. Yeah, maybe they'd wonder why they were feeling so tired for a few days after, find themselves weaker than usual for a while, but I'd feel all the better for it. Who wouldn't want a life like mine, an attractive single man that can go and get a new bit of tail whenever he wants?
I wouldn't. I'd give anything to be rid of this burden.
I needed to burn up those letters. The pile of hoofwritten notes was only making me think about my situation more. It wasn't Fleur, poor Fleur. There was nothing wrong with her, don't get me wrong, but I wasn't interested. I didn't want her. Attractive, sure, and a decent lay, but beyond the superficial, there had been nothing between us. She'd been a meal. It was horrible and objectifying to say, but it was the truth of the matter. Fucking these mares was a necessity for me, and they'd never understand that, so they'd just keep wondering why I didn't come back.
I didn't come back because I knew the alternative.
There was something I needed to do, I knew. It was something I could quite easily do before meeting Twilight, too. I had the time. Still, I hesitated. I couldn't help it. It was going to be difficult, whenever I found the courage to. I'd been thinking about it non-stop for weeks, but yesterday had only made it worse. If I didn't get to it soon, I'd never forgive myself.
I left the house, and walked in the opposite direction of where I needed to go. I was a coward. I walked to a nearby park and sat on a bench. I smoked a cigarette. I watched ducks swim in the pond. I watched pegasi fly in the skies overhead, some ferrying snow clouds. Foals watched me with a barely masked curiosity, probably impressed by my suit or curious about my cigarette. Not many ponies smoked in public, so it must have been an oddity to them.
When I was a human—when I was Justin—I'd always been aware that smoking would damage my health. Here, there was only one thing that could, and that was withdrawal. Starvation. I'd live as long as I was fed, no matter how many packs I smoked, how much I drank, how long I lived. Hell, I imagined I could pour acid down my throat and still be kicking afterwards. It'd hurt like a bitch, though.
Smoke wafted in the air, sunlight stabbing through it and painting a hanging mural of translucent dissipation. I enjoyed the slight burn in my throat, in my chest. It was nice to feel some warmth.
But none of it staved off the thing that really heated me up. It had only been a day, and I was already beginning to grow hungry. Usually, it'd be at least two before my stomach began to growl, three before I'd really feel it, but today? Today, I'd decided I needed it more than usual, it seemed. It was like me to eat like a king one day and then feel famished the next, but this was too much. Was it Twilight, again? Was she the reason I was feeling like this?
I couldn't sleep with her. I wanted to, of course. I really, really wanted to, but it would throw things too far into the shit for me to recover them. I had to make this the only time I saw her. It'd be a simple meeting, hopefully. We'd talk for a little while, I'd make an effort to be a boring fuck, and she wouldn't be interested in seeing me again. Sounded good on paper, but I doubted I'd actually manage to pull through. My willpower had been rapidly waning recently, and I'd only proven that to myself yesterday.
I growled at the sun. At the clouds. At the animals and the birds and the ponies and the snow and everything else in the park. I was tired of all of it.
I got up and left without another thought. I needed to go and see Twilight, after all. I might have been running a little early, didn't care. Maybe if I turned up all presumptuous, she'd like me a little less. I could do to give her reasons not to want my company. I had to be careful with this. Couldn't alienate her too much, she was a princess. Couldn't let her like me more either. There was some delicate balance I had to strike, a fine line I had to walk to keep her from seeing me as anything other than the random stallion that gave her a hoof with something that had been stressing her immensely one time.
How in the fuck did I pull that off without ingratiating myself to her? It was an impossible task. It didn't matter how I swung it, what I imagined doing to bore or irritate her, she was still going to be grateful. Of course she was. And honestly, I wanted her to be.
The walk was short and pleasant, and that made me dislike it more. Something had gotten into my mind, told me that I wasn't allowed to enjoy today. That enjoying today would only make me more likely to make another stupid decision. Last night had been a one off, a fluke. A pony had managed to break through my barrier, and that had led to me deciding to do something stupid. I was stuck doing that stupid thing. It didn't mean I had to then go and do more stupid things.
I wanted more time to call myself stupid, to think of an excuse to get out of this, but it was no time at all until a large wooden door was in front of me. I knocked with a hoof, wiping away the bit of snow I got on the door, and waiting to see her beautiful face again, hoping I'd somehow find it repulsive or uninteresting this time.
It wasn't her face that waited on the other side of the door. It was a unicorn, one I didn't recognise, light pink fur and a purple mane with aqua streaks running through it. Eyes were almost crystalline with an amethyst colouration. She gave me a confused look, head tilting. "Uh... hello? What can I help you with?"
I forced a smile, stepping back a little. "Heh, sorry, I was looking for Princess Twilight. I don't... have the wrong castle, do I?"
She snickered at that. Humour worked on most ponies well enough. "Sorry, she's out at the moment. Said she'd be back in a little while, though. What's it about?"
"Oh, well, she explained to me she was having some difficulty preparing for her new teaching role yesterday, and—"
Starlight's eyes widened, and she gave me a knowing look. "Oh! You're the pony from the coffee shop, aren't you? Twilight told me all about you. Come in, come in. Take your boots off by the mat, if you could. Trying not to get snow all over the place. I'm Starlight, by the way."
"City Scraper. Pleased to meet you." I followed her inside as she told me to, taking off my boots one by one and placing them on a shoe rack. Strange to see one of those by the front door of a castle, but I supposed it made sense. "So... did she say where she was going?"
Starlight seemed to be distracted. She was staring right at me, but she barely seemed to be paying any attention to my words. Was she checking me out? I couldn't really tell, but her eyes were definitely lingering on me somewhat. After a couple of seconds delay, she seemed to realise what I'd said. "Yeah... yeah, she did. She's up at the hospital right now."
I felt a flash of concern, and my face must've shown it. Why? I hardly knew this pony, royalty or not. "Is she alright?" I asked, a little hurriedly. I hadn't even touched her yesterday, let alone fucked her, but paranoia and me made wonderful bedfellows. About the only thing I could safely lay with.
Again, Starlight seemed distracted. She was definitely checking me out. "Yeah! Yeah, she's fine." Starlight frowned, finally looking me in the eye. "Well, depends what you can call fine. She was called up there to check on Cheerilee. Sounds like she's taken a turn for the worse overnight."
My heart started pumping faster. I couldn't help it. "How bad is she? Do they know?"
"I don't think they have any clue what's wrong with her, honestly..." Starlight hung her head. "They've ran a thousand tests on her, according to Twilight, but her symptoms don't match properly with any of them. Even Twilight wasn't able to figure out if it was some kind of magical issue, and she knows more about magic than any other pony I know. Well, except maybe Starswirl."
It was basically common knowledge by now that the Pillars of Equestria had been brought back, so I didn't look at her as if she was a lunatic. That said, what she said hardly reassured me in any other way. "Sounds like a horrible state to be in... I hope Twilight's all right." I had to be careful with this, so I faltered on asking whether it would be good for me to come back another time instead. As much as I shouldn’t have, I wanted to be there for Twilight when she got back, to make sure she was okay. I didn't think I could bring myself to go to the hospital right now, either. "Are you sure you're alright with me waiting for her to get back?"
Starlight nodded rather hurriedly. I wondered just how strong my presence was on her right then, whether any of my natural allure was beginning to take hold of her. Of course it was. I was still emanating that inner beauty. I was a Venus flytrap, and she was an unwitting insect desperate to take a sniff. It was almost cruel. "I was just about to make lunch, actually. Have you eaten?"
Oh, wonderful. Food. Just what I didn't need right now. "Sounds great! I wouldn't want to impose, though... are you absolutely sure that'd be alright?"
"Of course!" Starlight nodded, seeming almost too excited by the prospect. "I'm always happy for a bit of company, especially when my marefriend is away on tour."
Oh, Christ, she's with someone too? I had to be doubly careful not to give off the wrong signals. It made me glad, though. Meant there was a much smaller chance of her falling for me instead. I felt her eyes linger on my side as I walked, move with my body. Well, at least a mite smaller. "I actually ate before I came over," I lied, looking her in the eye as I said so. "I could probably go for a bit more food though, I'm sure."
"Well, don't feel pressured!" Starlight smiled, giving me an opening to take two bites and feign fullness. Pony food didn't agree with my stomach. No food did. I could eat it, sure, but I didn't enjoy the taste anymore, didn't find that it even touched on my hunger. If anything, it made me want a proper meal even more. "I was going to make pancakes, so I can keep your stack small."
There was the matter of machismo, of course, the idea that a guy should always have a meal the same size as the girl’s, or larger, and I had to keep that in mind as we entered the large, full kitchen. There were utensils and cupboards all around the room, modern and sleek, and a mountain of neatly organised produce and canned and boxed goods sat on the counter top. Truthfully, the ponies in this castle were never running out of things to eat. I was a little jealous of that.
Starlight had a pleasant sway to her hips as she walked over to the stove top, grabbing a frying pan and beginning to pour oil onto it as her magic twisted the dials and turned the heat up. She didn’t waste time, pouring pancake batter over the pan as soon as the hob was hot enough and beginning to make fresh pancakes, one at a time. “So,” she said with a flick of her tail, looking back at me as her magic took care of the first pancake, “are you a local, or?..”
Small talk. Her eyes were curious, though. She wanted to know more about me, she wasn’t just doing this to pass the time. I had to be careful. “Moved to Ponyville a few years ago. I’ve lived all around Equestria, actually. Pays to be on the move.”
Starlight gave me a nod, and I could sense a vague understanding in her eyes. Maybe she thought that she empathised. “Why is that?” she pressed. Apparently, she thought she could skip the pleasantries and go straight for the important questions. I admired her forwardness, as disarming as I found it. “Why not just settle down in one place? Something stopping you?”
More than she’d ever be able to imagine. “It’s the nature of my work,” I lied, as I so often did. “I needed to be somewhere central in order to correspond with the various companies I’m working for at the moment, but in the past, I had to be in other places. Cities, towns... you name it, I’ve probably lived there at some point.” It was important not to be specific. I liked to keep my answers as broad as I could. Specification led to a pony feeling like they knew me. I didn’t want Starlight to know me.
I wanted Twilight to.
Starlight flipped the pancake with her magic. She didn’t even look at it, and she pulled it off perfectly. Grinned a little as it landed, too. She was good, and she knew it. “I had a fair bit of wanderlust when I was younger, you know…” she was fiddling with the strands of her mane, twirling them with one of her forehooves. Her voice was laid thicker than usual. I could already feel her beginning to drop her guard, acting more playful around me. “Have you ever just wanted to get away, City Scraper? See the world?”
“Is that what your marefriend does when she’s on tour?” That’s it. Keep things on track. Remind her that she has a partner already, and take away any willingness she might’ve had to flirt. Starlight might’ve been good looking, she might’ve been impressive, and in some ways, captivating, but she wasn’t who I was here to see today.
If anything, mentioning that only seemed to make Starlight scowl. It wasn’t the response I’d wanted or expected, not the dreamy sigh of missing her or the sudden wide eyes upon realising just how she’d been looking at me. No, there was vitriol in her expression, and she looked poised to strike. “Hmph, guess she does. She’s lucky to get out so much. Ponies adore her, too, so she’s always having a great time.”
Starlight actually turned back to her pancakes now, took her eyes off me. I noticed the flick of her tail, irritated. I found myself more curious than I should’ve been, and undid my progress with a few words. “Sounds like you’re jealous to me. You want to be out there with her, I’ll bet.”
“I don’t, actually,” Starlight responded on a whim, then paused, voice catching. She backed up, shaking her head, changing her tune. “I-I mean, it sounds lovely, but…”
“Don’t worry about it,” I smiled, waving away her concern. She was looking back to me wondering what to say, how to explain, but I could see clear as day that there was something there beneath the surface, some issue between the two of them. She didn’t need to tell it to me, it was obvious from the moment I’d brought her up.
The sound of frying pancakes filled the silence that followed. Starlight kept stealing glances at me, but the whole conversation about her marefriend, it seemed to have robbed the lively airs from the room. I wasn’t necessarily complaining, made the meeting easier to get through, but by the same token, I didn’t want one of Twilight’s friends feeling uneasy or uncomfortable. Guess my care for her was extending to them, too. How odd.
So I tried to cheer her up somehow. “Hey, mind if I have a go at that?” I asked, gesturing to the frying pan just as she’d levitated the fourth pancake onto the pile.
It served as a good distraction, and Starlight nodded. “Sure! Feel free, let me know if you need any help.”
That was a challenge. I was going to take her mind off things, and that meant impressing her. With my magic, I pulled out a second frying pan and started pouring batter onto both at the same time. I was good with my magic when I was well fed, good enough to hold four things at once with complete ease, and Starlight looked rather impressed at my display, pushing the batter mix to the side and beginning to fry the both of them at once.
“Huh, you’re not bad at that…” Starlight was a little closer to me than before, not enough that I could feel her body’s heat against mine, but almost. I felt a swell of pride at the compliment. I couldn’t help that.
And it made me want to show off more. So I began flipping them. Not small, controlled flicks of the pan like Starlight had been doing, but long, arching movements that sent the pancakes so high they were almost touching the ceiling, but not so much that they’d get stuck to it. I balanced the fine line between showing off and fucking up exceptionally well, even transitioning the two pancakes between different pans midair, and once I was finished cooking them both golden brown, I pushed them onto a plate and began to spread each of them with chocolate and cut up banana. I placed a little sugar on mine, not wishing to try and stomach all of that, then pushed the plates onto the table.
And Starlight was staring at me. It was as if I had just pulled off some amazing feat, something magical that she’d only been able to dream of previously, and I… I watched as she sauntered over to me with a grin, held out her hoof for a high five, or whatever Equestrians called it, and the moment the two of us made contact, I could feel it. She was moving into me. She was getting closer with every second, and suddenly, the steaming pancakes on the table didn’t matter. No, the food was inconsequential, everything that preceded this moment was.
It didn’t matter how we’d gotten here, what we’d done, or what had broken down the barrier—her body language was telling me something very important in that moment. She was impressed by me. She was attracted to me. She had an issue with her marefriend for whatever reason—I didn’t care right then—and she’d found something in me that she could use to fill that hole. I could feel a serious temptation to gnaw on her want gripping me, I couldn’t chase it away. How could I?
She was so sexy, so doe-eyed and wanting that it was easy to forget the moments proceeding, whatever they might have entailed. It was effortless, forgetting why I was even here, what I was meant to be doing, what I wasn’t meant to be doing, because I was so caught up in my impulsive, incessant desire, that I could have taken her right there at a moment’s notice, and I fucking knew it.
And she would’ve let me, too. She would proposition me soon, I could feel it. And of course she would! There was no faith in lust! No thought of what might happen after, who might get hurt, or what a mistake it might be, there was only the electricity of the moment, the heat of two bodies against one another, the willingness to give in to a carnal pleasure so old and powerful that it transcended time, one that breathed life into us, that kept me breathing.
Her lips were pushing open, I could see her tongue poking out. She was drawing closer to me. It was only a matter of time before she kissed me, and why shouldn’t she? She’d be doing herself a favour, subjecting herself to one of the most amazing times she could possibly experience, and I’d only benefit from it… what was there to lose? Why didn’t I just bend her over the table and get us started already?
And then, she hesitated. She flinched. I blinked heavily, wondering if she’d still look conflicted when I opened my eyes. She did. I didn’t know what that meant. I’d never experienced that. Did she love her marefriend too much to be unfaithful, even though she clearly wanted me? Did it matter so much to her that she wouldn’t enjoy herself here and now, despite her base urges?
She was right, this was wrong. I didn’t want her. She shouldn’t have wanted me. I was thinking with my stomach again, and I fucking shouldn’t have been. There was no reason the two of us should be close, that I should be even entertaining the thought of this. I stepped back. She breathed a shallow breath. I didn’t know if it was relief or regret. I didn’t understand it.
It was only then that I realised what had made us hesitate. There were hoofsteps drawing closer to the room. Twilight. Had we heard that and decided this was a bad idea, that her feelings would be hurt if she walked in on the two of us going at it like animals?
No. I told myself we did it because it was right. That we didn’t hear it until afterwards, and wouldn’t have done it anyway, even if we’d heard nothing. I told myself that ponies could be loyal and loving, that I could be. It was the only way I could bring myself to face Twilight when she walked into the room. For some reason, my bravado, my instinct to forgo morality and act as I pleased, it died around her.
Instead, I only felt happy. That and protective. I wanted to keep her safe.
And in she walked with bags under her eyes, hair all frazzled, a grump on her face that lifted into a pleasant smile the moment she saw me. She was the most adorable mess I’d ever seen.
Starlight had rushed her hellos and goodbyes and taken her pancakes to her room. Likely feeling embarrassed, guilty, though Twilight was none the wiser. It was my secret to keep, and I’d carry it whether I wanted to or not. When Twilight sat down, I slid my portion of pancakes over to her. “Here. Looks like you need them more than I do.”
She had a smile about her akin to being offered the last drop of water in a desert. “Are you sure?” she asked, sweet as the syrup I was pouring over her stack as we spoke. “They’re yours though, aren’t they?”
“I already ate my share,” I said, taking a seat across the table from her. For a few moments, I simply basked in her presence. She was radiant, even when she’d been dulled by the horrible events surrounding her. It was spectacular, honestly. She drove a fork into the pancakes, stabbing and rending a piece which she floated up to her lips and daintily bit on. I snickered. I knew she was trying to put on manners for my benefit. “If you’re hungry, eat properly.”
All of a sudden, she was ravenous, as if she’d just been told that every bite was worth a million bits. Hell, she might’ve been more hungry than I was. That was another side to her, one that forgot decorum and manners, and she tapped into it at a word. I wouldn’t mind seeing more of this Twilight.
I sat and watched as she wolfed down her meal. I tried not to seem as if I was staring, but honestly, it was hard not to. Twilight was the centre of the room, my eyes’ natural focal point, without even trying to be. There was something mystifying about her even as she ate, determined to rush her way through her food. Was she truly that desperate to eat, or was she only looking to waste as little of my time as possible?
I got up to make her a glass of water, figuring she’d need it to stop herself from getting the hiccups at this rate. She finished off her meal with a large gulp of the drink, taking a breath that sounded akin to that of a scuba diver submerging, and smiled at me. “Thank you. Thank you so much. I’ve not eaten anything since yesterday evening, unless you count an oat bar in the hospital cafeteria.”
Her frazzled mane and tired eyes suddenly made a lot more sense. “How long have you been over there?”
“Since late last night, or the early hours of the morning,” Twilight recounted, blinking slowly. “I was finding it difficult to sleep, so I figured I’d hop over there just to see how Cheerilee was doing. And…”
“And things got worse,” I finished for her, placing a hoof on hers and giving her a short rub. It was platonic, reassuring. I didn’t even think before doing it, but by god, was that the warmth that I’d been searching for my entire life? I knew it was different as soon as I felt it, different from the heat of a coffee or the throat-searing burn of a cigarette—this was something different entirely. “Starlight told me there was a deterioration… I’m really sorry, Twilight.”
And I was. Truly.
Twilight stirred beneath me. She reacted to my touch, turned her hoof so the base of it pressed against mine. She was happy for the comfort, for the reassurance and the few kind words I could offer. They dammed the welling tears in her eyes. “It’s not your fault, so don’t apologise…” she sniffled, blinked away her tears in a quick flutter of eyelids. Being strong mattered to her. “Thank you, City Scraper. You didn’t have to offer to come here, to help me with any of this…” She pushed her hoof harder against mine, wanting to reinforce the contact, make sure it was real.
I could understand the feeling; I was doing the exact same thing. We broke contact eventually, I’m not entirely sure who severed it. It was blissfully painful, being vulnerable. “Do you still want to look over the curriculum today?” I wanted to get the conversation back on track as much as I didn’t. Staying in this moment… it was dangerous, like flirting with death. “I understand if you’re too tired, or if you’d rather wait a little longer.”
“I haven’t really got time to wait…” Twilight hesitated. I could tell that she wanted to drop at this point already, that she was exhausted, but she carried on regardless. It was so admirable, I wanted to hold her hoof every step of the way. “I should carry on. I think it’s only right that I do.”
“You haven’t slept,” I said by impulse, concern etched in my face. “If you keep pushing yourself, you’re going to end up fatigued. You should take a break, worry about all of this later.”
“I can’t worry later!” Twilight answered with more force than I’d imagined possible from her. “Everypony is relying on me, and I’m not doing enough. if I stop now to rest, then my schedule will get all messed up, and I’ll be a disappointment!” She closed her eyes for a solid five seconds, rubbing at her temple, then shook it off. “I need to work. It’s the only thing I can do right now to be of any use—stay active.”
She was wrong. “If you carry on pushing yourself, you’re not going to be any good to anypony.”
She raised an eyebrow at that, almost looked slighted. “You think I can’t handle this?”
“I’m not saying that. I know you can’t.” Her expression only morphed to something more irritated with each word I said, whether at me or herself I wasn’t sure. “You’re an amazing pony, Twilight, I’m sure, but you can’t work on no sleep. If you carry on putting yourself under this much stress, then you’ll end up messing up something serious in the long run, and you’ll only blame yourself more.” I took a breath, motioning for her to do the same, and luckily, she copied my rhythm. My voice lowered in pitch, became calmer. “Stop for a moment. Relax, be still. Your work will still be here after a little rest, I promise. It isn’t going anywhere.”
“It isn’t that, City,” Twilight looked about a second away from burying her face in the table, but she resisted with whatever will she had left. “I don’t have much time. I need to be ready to teach that class in two days, or I’m gonna look unreliable, and the foals at the Ponyville Schoolhouse are going to fall behind. I don’t want to be responsible for their quality of education decreasing. Schooling is one of the most important things in a pony’s foalhood.”
“Let me work on the curriculum.” I smiled, running a hoof through my mane. “I’ll break it down and reorganise it so it’s really easy for you to pick up on. In the meantime, you can rest. By the time you’re awake, I’ll have it all fixed and ready for you. How does that sound?”
“...too good to be true,” Twilight admitted, though the dumb smile on her face said the opposite. “How can a pony like you be real? You’re too kind.”
Am I really? “I just want to be helpful,” I said as I brought the now empty plates to the sink and ran them under a tap. “If you give me all of the information you were given on the scheduling and classes, I can start sorting through it for you. Meanwhile, get some sleep. You really need it.” I didn’t want to see her all stressed and tired anymore. I wanted to see a healthy glow about her that I knew I could bring out if I only helped her. I had to see if she could somehow shine even brighter than she already did.
Somehow, that scarcely seemed possible, because the way she was beaming right now was enough to blind a man.
“I’m really, really grateful. I’m going to make this up to you soon,” Twilight stood, looking a little woozy, and I had to fight the urge to grab her and make sure she was balancing herself properly. “I’ve got all of the school documents sitting in my library. If we go there, there’s a few comfy chairs and sofas that you can work at, and I can rest at… Gosh, that makes me sound so lazy.”
I followed her lead, grinning at her needless self-deprecation. “Not lazy at all. Stop worrying about it. Just lead the way, Twilight.”
And she did. The castle really was as spacious on the inside as it looked from the exterior, if not more so, and I wondered as we walked just how Twilight managed to remember her way around. A lot practice, I imagined, but I liked to think she knew her way to the library better than anywhere else. Something a lot of ponies had always said about our local ruler was that she sure loved her books, even used to live in a library.
Twilight was walking rather slowly, more lurching through tiredness than moving with any grace, but that only made it more smile-inducing to watch. I’d let her have her rest and work hard for her. She deserved it more than anything.
When we arrived at the library, larger and more spacious than any I’d seen outside of Canterlot, she thanked me profusely again before finding a large sofa and curling up to ‘rest’, which was code for passing the hell out. I picked one of the smaller ones, one where I could watch the gentle rise and fall of her chest as she curled in on her hooves and wrapped her tail around herself, snout twitching now and again. She needed this sleep so badly, and I wondered how long she would’ve put it off if I hadn’t said anything.
I needed to stop staring at Twilight, to put her from my mind for a little while. If I truly wanted to help her, it was time to work.
I pulled out the stacks of papers, timetables, spreadsheets, looking through each of them and attempting to compile all of the important, relevant pieces of information. It’d been a good while since I’d taught, and the systems had definitely changed some in the interim. It took me a while, but I managed to decipher the differences and begin to put them out in simpler and easier to understand terms. I took a new sheet of paper and began writing down all of the most prevalent pieces of information in a clear and understandable manner.
It was hard work, but I was happy to do it. I ignored the slight fatigue I felt after I’d spent a straight hour at it, continuing in spite of it. Another half hour of silence besides the scribble of my pencil followed that, and then I saw stirring on the sofa. Twilight was waking up.
She blinked groggily a couple of times, and as soon as she saw me hard at it, her face lit up with a warm smile. She got up, coming over to my couch and sitting beside me, the two of us so close that we were almost touching.
“You’ve really been at this since I drifted off?” Twilight asked, sounding surprised, satisfied, and sorry all at once. “I can’t believe you’ve been so good to me. You’re amazing, City.”
I wished she knew my real name. This would feel more real that way. “No, Twilight, you’re the amazing one. It’s insane that you’ve taken all of this on. Equestria is lucky to have a princess like you.” I saw a shiver run through her, no surprise given the cold, and soon enough, her head was against my shoulder. I didn’t comment on it, figured she didn’t realise if only due to how tired she still was, but god did I wish that I could find the courage to hold her back.
That was silly. I’d touched so many mares before now. Held them. Had sex with them. But somehow, I didn’t have the confidence to simply embrace Twilight in turn. I felt like a child again, almost. Maybe this was what happened when you met someone that you truly valued each second with.
And it was making me more hungry by the second, but I pushed that urge right to the back of my mind. I didn’t want it encroaching on my paradise.
Twilight fell asleep on my withers as I continued to work. The slight motion of my body from leaning over and rearranging papers did not bother her in the least, nor the buzz of my horn as I brought them in front of my face to inspect more clearly. She slept through all of it, no surprise.
After another hour of solid work, I finally thought I might be done. At least, I’d done everything I could imagine would help, and any more would only be dressing it up. I placed the final paper down and leaned back in my seat, sighing in content.
And Twilight slipped down onto my chest. She could hear the beat of my heart, I was sure, even in her sleep. It was a riotous drum right now, thumping intensely-- simply due to our shared proximity. I didn’t want to get up, to leave, but I worried that if I stayed like this for too long, she’d awaken only to wonder what she was doing on top of me. I had to go, really. I’d already stayed here long enough, enjoyed myself way too much.
Twilight stirred the moment I tried to move her. Even though I used magic, despite being gentle, she still woke to the feeling of being moved off of me, looking at me with half-lidded, tired eyes.
“Youuu don’t have to go yet,” she said in a sleepy drawl, grabbing at me and putting a hoof around the back of my neck. “You were so good to me, and we didn’t get to spend any real time together… stay with me for a little while.”
It was a hard offer to refuse. Ridiculously so, but I knew that if I stayed here much longer, I wouldn’t be able to control myself properly. I was already having enough difficulty as it was. Twilight… I just couldn’t acclimate to her. I didn’t know how.
“I’ve got to go and do some work things, Twilight, but you should get a couple more hours rest.” I gently rubbed the back of her mane as I spoke. I shouldn’t have, but she didn’t mind. If anything, she drew closer to me. I was so terribly conflicted right then. “I’ve highlighted all of the important stuff and written it out as best I could, along with a bunch of pointers that I think will be useful. It’s still going to take some going over, but it’s well organised to ensure that it’s as easy on you as possible.”
“You’ve been way too good to me,” she repeated, and she was wrong. I should’ve been as good to everyone else before now and I knew it. Her mane was matted with sweat, fur warm and clinging to her body, gaze inviting as it stuck to me. Could it hurt to stay a little longer? “I’ll see you again tomorrow, won’t I?” She bit her lip, teeth clinging and pulling it back. “I might still need a little help…”
There wasn’t anything else I could do to make this easier for her, I knew, but she was likely equally aware. It was an excuse for us to see each other again. I took it without hesitation. “Of course we will. I’ve got a day off tomorrow, so I’m yours all day if you need me.”
“I’m yours too!” Twilight beamed, before blinking rapidly, eyes darting to the floor, her form shrinking in on itself a little. “I… I mean. Uhh, yeah.”
She was so fucking cute. How had I not kissed her already? There were only inches separating us, we were basically holding one another, and yet. I knew if I kissed her there was no turning back. This turned from an arguably platonic meeting to something entirely different in an easily skipped heartbeat. The sexual tension was so thick I was surprised we weren’t floating in it. I’d made my decision before I could realise there was any chance of refusing it. Or rather, it had made me.
I drew closer to Twilight. Eyes closed now, couldn’t back out if I wanted to. She could. I’d made the first move—even if she had with her voice, her eyes, her body language, I’d been the first to advance on her, and now it was her turn to reciprocate. I could only touch the invisible barrier between us, not move past it. It was her job to connect the two of us, to bring something unspoken but so clearly thought that it might as well have been audible to full, loving fruition.
And she did. She pushed her lips against mine. Brushed them, was a more accurate way of putting it. It was a small and soft action that echoed timidity, gentleness, care and thought, as if a single erratic or rushed motion could ruin this moment of perfectly cultivated spontaneity. Random attraction. Arbitrary electricity.
I could feel it in my veins, in my thoughts, in my blood, pumping a perfect circadian rhythm that pushed and pulsed and prodded all over; the skip of a beat, the rhythm of a restless ocean storm that had finally been quelled. Twilight’s sweet, cherry lips brought clarity, they carried placidity that hoisted the weight from off of my shoulders, even as she pushed her hooves down onto mine, climbing on top of me. Who would have thought that she was one to lead?
Well, I suppose that was her title coming into play. She pressed so close against me, and I didn’t care about the fact she was perspiring, that she was in clear need of a shower, that she kissed sloppily, like she’d not had much experience going even this far with a stallion. I wouldn’t have changed a single thing about this moment if I could’ve, not if someone paid me to.
Her mane was brushing over my eyes, it tickled and irritated me. I fought the urge to laugh at it. Her hooves were heavy against my forelegs, she was putting a lot of weight on me. I urged her to push harder. Her warmth was stifling against me, enveloping me completely. I think that was my favourite thing of all.
And there was nothing in the room but her. No sound, no sight, only the sensation of our sole shared moment of intimacy. Was she a princess, was she a mare from the coffee shop, or was she my saviour? All and the same? Questions, thoughts, urges, they all raced to the forefront of my mind and danced their discordant tango to the soft tune of gently smacking lips, of tongues being introduced and becoming gently acquainted, of solidarity and oneness being found between two souls that had spent longer than they could ever tell each other through words in search of this moment.
Or at least, that’s how I imagined it.
When Twilight finally pulled away, she was giggling. Laughing like she’d just been hit with gas under the dentist’s chair, like she’d just heard the funniest joke of her life, like she’d just felt the most overwhelming and impeccably splendorous feeling only to be told that it was indeed real, that she hadn’t dreamed it. I didn’t move my lips. They were lively and well-exercised after that small exchange, but I was too dumbfounded to bring myself to motion, to speech.
I didn’t know what that feeling was, the one that burned through me right now. There was arousal, definitely, but it was mixed with… something nebulous and gargantuan, as fearsome as it was inviting, a puddle I’d dipped my hoof into only to find that it was an oasis spanning depths I could barely fathom. I think I might have found something more than just ‘like’ in Twilight.
And it terrified me. And I loved it.
And at last, finally, the moment spent and the facsimile of courage having returned to me in at least a fraction, an exhale finally forced from my chest, I found myself able to speak in more than broken thoughts.
“So… I’m yours, am I?” I went with a tease. It was the easiest way to take the pressure off of me. Defence mechanisms, we all need them.
But she didn’t look embarrassed. No, she looked encouraged, relieved, like she too had just found something that she didn’t even realise she’d been looking for. “Maybe not yet,” she snickered, brushing her hoof over my chest. She rolled back off of me soon after, looking up at the ceiling and blowing the mane out of her eyes. “Hoo. That was something.”
“Sure was…” And I could still feel it passing through me, little aftertremors assaulting my nervous system, making me shudder.
Twilight cast her eyes down, then back up at me, her face sheepish. “Gee, I must look like such a mess right now. How did you kiss this?”
I answered that by kissing her again. “That’s how.”
I know that her worries and stresses were still there. That they were simply being pushed back by our brief reprieve, that they’d reawaken at some point down the line and she’d have to confront those demons once more. But maybe… could I be there for her when they did resurface? I wanted to kiss her again. And again. And again and again and again.
This was danger territory. Red flags. I should get out now. Get out while I’ve still got my faculties. I wasn’t lucid around this mare—my brain was a loving, horny, wanting, giving, confused, elated, captivated, mesmerised, wholly broken bucket of mush. I could take everything she had to give me right then and not feel a moment of regret.
“I need to leave. I’ll be back tomorrow, I promise.” It was sudden. It was swift. It left no time for goodbyes, they were rushed. I was up and out before Twilight could even have the mystification hit her fully, before she could even question what had me spooked. That was good. She’d think something had come up that I’d forgotten, or that I was simply scared of intimacy.
She’d be right on both counts. Something had come up, me. And scared? I was a tremulous, erratic mess, and that was only owing to the fact that it was intimacy with her. I couldn’t get close to Twilight. You already are. I couldn’t hurt Twilight. You know you’re going to. I felt as if I was about to starve. And you were about to take a bite out of her, weren’t you?
Fight against it. Push it into the back of my mind and hope that it goes away. It’s not going to.
That voice, it creeps up on me like a plague. Can’t be reasoned with or delayed, can’t be disarmed or coerced, only placated with the satiation of the same ugly, horrific desire and need that’s kept me kicking for as long as I have been. And now… now I have to go and find someone. I have to. Again. Ad fucking nauseum.
I’d already passed the point of disgust.
What would a pony as pure as Twilight ever think if she found out what I was? What I had to do? She was immortal though, wasn’t she? Maybe she could be my little siphon, maybe I could take from her like I do everyone else and she wouldn’t di—no. I can’t, and I won’t. That’s not happening, now or ever.
I needed a fuck. A filthy, mindless, senseless fuck. It’d clear my head, fill me up, purge these… odd feelings. Wasn’t right. None of it was right.
Except for her. She was flawless.
And if I thought I deserved her, had a chance being happy with her? I was out of my mind.
