This, this is my story. There are many like it but this one is mine and hopefully unique enough to keep your attention so that you know to not come to Equestria!
This story, it’s not happy. It’s not fun. It’s not sad. Well, it’s sad, but isn’t that just life, or death, in general?
You know what, forget it, just whatever.
I was a brony. Keyword, was. Got my dream, the dream of so many others and it was, still is a freaking dream. One Luna can’t fix, and dammit at this point I’d take a wet dream about my mom than waking up in Equestria just to die again.
I woke up and my body hurt. Not like some kind of full body ‘I was beaten’ or something pain, but I hurt in spots. Also, it didn’t feel right. Or sound right. The world around me, I mean. I was camping, sure, but I was certain I was in my tent when I fell asleep, I mean, did I really drink that much?
No, I only brought a six pack and downed three over four hours sitting around the fire with my girlfriend. It was when I stretched that I noticed the change in my body. My legs were all legs, it’s a totally different feel that one notices immediately. Just the way they move is different in equines, but the forelegs feel like legs and the hind legs feel, just weird. Like, walking on those bendy metal prosthetic legs.
After the initial shock of being an equine wore off I looked side to side at my body and I was red. Kinda oxidized blood or brick red, with a white tail. I know the feeling of a grin, even if it is at the end of a muzzle, and I used my voice for the first time in a whoop!
I brought my hooves under me and forced myself up, flipping rear legs over my head and landing very firmly on my hips -that are far more exposed in quadrupeds, mind you- and felt a pain like no other shoot through my hind quarters.
I yelped and held back tears of pain for several minutes, at least, before I tried again, slowly. Hind legs are about three times as strong as forelegs, by the way. I stood too fast and paid the price with a fractured hip on my first time standing.
So, now standing was painful, but manageable, barely. Next, came walking.
By the way: Fuck learing to walk again. It’s stupid, pointless, and why the hell couldn’t I just know? Nope, lifted my right foreleg first and face planted into the brush. Oh yeah, heh, I woke up in a wooded area with exposed tree roots. Didn’t I mention that? It was also morning and I had none of my camping stuff. I was naked, alone, in a new body, all that.
So, I got back to my hooves, leaned to balance my weight to the left, and my hip screamed in pain, thus my second forward fall. Third time, balanced to my right and the pain was a dull throb as I lifted my left foreleg and moved it forward, placing it down with a sigh as I moved my right foreleg.
Left front slipped forward and I did a nice pratfall onto something that jabbed me enough to make me cry out in pain. Could’a been a rock, I dunno, didn’t care. I got pissed and stood again, made the same mistake, only my left foreleg went right and I landed on it with all my weight.
It was between me and the hard object and broke at the humerus bone. Yeah, I cried like a man for a while before I finally cursed my body and being wherever I was. I got up on three working legs and moved my left rear leg, then my working foreleg, then right rear leg.
Yay, progress.
My belly rumbled and I had to pee, so I figured ‘what the hell’ and let the pee flow, turns out it’s a lot and it splashes when it puddles across one’s underbody.
Hunger, no prob, right? Plants everywhere, equine is herbivore, me eat, they plant food, oog-ug-ug.
Tasted like crap. Not literally, but it was awful. I ate berries of a bush, closest I could reach. Then a couple leaves from that same bush and nearby ones. Some old leaves off the ground until I cleared a slight path, then vomited heavily. A lot. Everything I’d eaten plus stuff I ate before I went to bed.
Meat, jerky I think, came out in bits and pieces, as well as some steak from dinner. ‘Worst is over’,” I thought. Fuck me if those aren’t the words of doom itself. I moved past my mess, my body cramping and burning as I stumbled nearly a hundred feet before I farted and learned I had the runs, really bad.
My body was flushing all the meat and whatnot from my system, and it was doing so violently.
I couldn’t squat, couldn’t control my movements, and, oh yeah, I forgot I had a tail, brown now from dock to tip.
I was a mess, and then vomited again.
Yeah, herbivores aren’t immune to poison berries, I realized, just poison oak. So, there I was, lost, alone, sick, probably dying, and not a couple hours into my adventure in Equestria.
Oh, joy, the fun I had had, though, right? How ‘bout no. I even called out Discord’s name for help, then every goddess I knew from the show pre season 8. I barely made it another fifty feet before my legs gave out a final time and no matter how much I tried I couldn’t move again. Broken leg, might as well have broken my hip, and, dysentery slash anaphylaxis.
I suffered for the rest of the day with bowel emptying gas that felt like razor blades and random squirts pooling under me and dry heaving nothing to a little blood until just before I fell asleep as night began to creep upon the sky.
I awoke in a colorful void, nothing, no one, no pony. There was something, actually. In the distance a window the size of a TV screen that when I got to it showed my dead pony body. I was mad, understandably. A few minutes of shouting with an incorporeal body didn’t do much, but a white window appeared and I jumped through it without thinking. Well, that’s the closest I can describe it.
I opened my eyes and I was a pony again. I was on a road, so it seemed safe enough. I got to my hooves and stood tall, and felt something move. Something new. I looked back and hopped in glee. I was a pegasus!
I moved my wings independently and within a few seconds figured out up and down. I gave a strong flap of both my wings and took off into the sky… over the edge of the cloud I was on and began to fall.
I’d noticed the white to the sides, but thought it was fog or something. I couldn’t yell or scream for help because the air was too strong and I was flailing like a fool anyway, so much so that I don’t even think I was capable of screaming.
The ground approached and all I could think was ‘not again’. Just before I was impaled by a pine tree and made it about ten feet down the tip before I stopped.
I was back in the rainbow void and saw the new window with me impaled on a tree, a bird managed to crap on me, too. So they were live views at least up to the moments after I died. So, I figured I’d just be smarter next time. No biggie.
New white portal opens and I’m through it and in a flash of white light I’m alive again.
I move my legs, roll to my belly, and open my eyes. I scan the area around me and it’s a nice place by a lake. Open area, water, avocados around on trees, actual flowers nearby. It was a really nice area. I looked myself over and no wings. I tapped the ground to make sure it was actually ground before I stood up.
Standing was easier, walking was a chore, but I made it to the very edge of the water and looked into my reflection.
A horn! I was a unicorn, I could do magic! I thought of levitation, fireballs, making it rain chocolate milk! It was all at my command, and I cackled like a villain for a few seconds. I felt the power of the aether flowing though me and reared up, thought of a fireball, and forced it through my horn.
I was back in the rainbow void looking at three monitors. The latest one showed half a pony on the ground, the other half went from charred flesh to ashes at the head, or where my head should have been.
I had to play this better. Think before I acted. Not let madness or jubilation take precedence over my own life, my own dream coming true. The next window opened and I was through it like a bullet.
I opened my eyes after the white flash and smelled the telltale scent of woods. I opened my eyes and was on the ground, duh, right?
On my hooves, standing tall, I looked around my body, balanced my weight, and touched my head. I was an earth pony. Okay, I got it this time.
Took a few steps before I felt comfortable and began to walk, like a kid, but, oh, uh… a kid is a baby goat, a foal then.
I made it a way before I stumbled on an exposed root and caught myself before I fell. So much pride. So much happiness when I finally succeeded at something. I began a slow walk and learned to step over roots while maintaining my balance, I was so happy.
I heard voices, actual ponies talking! It had to be! I made my way to the edge of the woods and saw the one and only Twilight Sparkle talking with Vinyl Scratch behind some bushes.
This was it, the moment I was waiting for. The moment I’d make contact and everything would be okay. I inhaled a deep breath and then the sound of a piano hitting dozens of keys rang as I was back in the void.
The new window showed a piano, a grand piano, mind you, lying on the ground and the two ponies scowling at Derpy pulling a sky wagon with its back doors open. She smiled sheepishly as the duo picked up their bushes and moved away with them, out of frame.
I was under the freaking piano, twenty feet from pony contact. Dead as anything as Derpy flew away without a care in the world.
I opened my eyes after the flash of light and was on a boat in the middle of a storm. A pony called out to watch the flying jib. I looked at where he was pointing as a piece of the mast attached to a sail swung into my face. I felt my muzzle crunch and teeth leaving their sockets as my back reacted with opening wings that caught the wind and pulled my into the air and then I dropped into the ocean, or sea, or who the fuck cares?
I actually got to experience drowning before I was back in the colorful void of crappiness.
I was a unicorn again. I noticed a pattern starting as I looked around. It was a bog of some sort. A word I never thought I’d use in my life to describe something but there I was. In a bog. I flexed and pulled my wings to my sides and winced at how much I overdid the pull and started to get a cramp in the second before I relaxed.
There we go, a rumble of the earth and I just sit and move my forelimbs across my barrel and frown as a hydra emerges from the water.
I stared that fucker down for a minute. All three of its heads. It snarled but it blinked first and took a step back, then turned to leave. I smirked, thinking I was safe until one head moved way faster than I ever thought it could have, given its size as it swung and chomped at me, taking my right foreleg in its swinging snap.
The others turned and looked at the head, swallowing my limb, then to me as I bled.
I felt the earth shaking before I was in the maw of a beast with more heads than should be possible.
I at least saw sunlight four times as I was chewed and swallowed. It took a good few minutes for the acids in its stomach to reach my brain and start dissolving my mind away.
Oh, yeah, by the way, it’s only moderately painful to be digested post consumption because the shock and flight or fight really helps numb the pain.
I knew I had a horn before I got up and snorted in frustration. Bright stars, cool evening, always a full moon. Why always full? I got a good idea then.
“Fuck this shit, I’m just gonna walk that way and see what happens.”
I began to think of simple spells. No incinerating myself this time. Light, that was easy. I thought of a little ball of light and let it creep through my mind and then horn. I stopped and winced, but it lit up and didn’t hurt at all.
“Whoop! Woo-hoo! I did it, magic! The power of the gods is at my disposal and I-” I looked to my right as a rustling made a creature known. “Fuck me,” I managed as I turned to gallop but my left rear leg was bitten into and I fell chest first onto the ground. The light died… just before I did.
I watched the new monitor as a two headed beast crunched my bones in its teeth.
Well, that was a bit better! At least it pounced and crushed my back sending me into shock before it crushed my head so I wouldn’t fight back. Heh, and I didn’t have to suffer with being eaten from the tail to my head while aware.
I watched a new portal open and with an exasperated sigh, or what seemed like one, I passed through and was morbidly curious to find out how I’d die this time.
Sunrise or sunset; pretty. A forest. Cliche. Earth pony on cue. Stand and hop. Okay, getting the hang of this. Plant hooves, lean forward, pull hind legs in, kick them out!
I grinned as I pulled off my first defensive or offensive move.
I reared and kicked my forelegs down like I was pedaling a bike and landed. I had a certain way to at least annoy my next attacker.
“Whoop! Come get me, fuckers,” I called and started a nice walk, feeling my muscles move and legs shift in their unique quadruped way. I made it to the edge of the treeline and saw apple trees. So many apple trees. There was only one place I could be and I whooped again starting to gallop and came across the crusaders clubhouse.
I squealed with giggles and found it was a bit tricky to walk up the ramp but made it to the patio and looked in the window.
Empty.
I opened the door and took a step in and felt something hit my head. I was ready to die so I didn’t run or anything, but the dripping wasn’t blood. It was honey. Yummy honey! I’m gonna get mauled by a bear, million dollars it happens.
I looked around the interior and it was a bit more spartan than I expected except for a wall of photos of ponies. I guess they’ve already gotten their marks and aren’t spending as much time in here. Poo.
I went to a pile of cushions and lay down on them. They were so soft and the first comfort I’d experienced since I’d been arriving. Maybe a swarm of bees! That’d be about right. Ten to one odds.
I listened and looked around the small house, just enjoying the time I’d spent alive already before I got up and sighed. Here comes my fate.
I left the clubhouse and walked in the direction of where the farmhouse was, or so I figured. I thought of learning to fly next and while lost in thought I heard a thump in the distance. I couldn’t help but smile and make my way towards it and ducked behind a tree when I saw her.
Applejack. In the fur. Beautiful and soft. Firm and strong. Exactly how I imagined her. Now! Now I die! … Huh. Well, you’re cooking something up!
I rounded the tree and shuffled my way to the mare who took notice and watched me warily. She spoke a greeting in a language I couldn’t understand with sounds I couldn’t make as a human and would have to learn as a pony. I hung my head and sniffled.
A real sniffle and pout formed as I sat and let all my emotions flow. She’ll buck me, maybe. A tree will fall. Rainbow will crash into me at full speed. Just kill me now before I tell best pony I can’t understand her.
I whimpered at the thoughts and how I welcomed death so quickly and let the tears fall. I wept openly and it wasn’t manly at all. I felt what I thought was a strangulation at first but then noticed it was a hug. A hug from Applejack to a pony she didn’t know and it was real.
She said something I knew was soothing and I hugged her back, crying into her coat for several minutes. If I die now, please don’t let her see. I couldn’t come back if she had to see a pony die like I’ve been dying.
I finally hiccupped as I wound down and calmed, letting her go and smiling to her. I was ready to die. Maybe my language would be considered evil or some bullshit. But I had to try.
I hung my head and closed my eyes. “Hi, I don’t speak your words. I’m sorry.” I grimaced, ready for the end to come and instead she just tapped her hoof on the ground to get my attention. She said her name, slowly while pointing to herself. I watched and tried to copy her words and I did pretty well.
She laughed when I got close on the second try and offered me a foreleg. I looked at it and didn’t know if it was help up or a hoof bump so I reached mine to her. She hooked her wrist, is it a wrist? She hooked ours together and helped me up and waved me to follow, giving me a kind smile.
She spoke again and started a short conversation while waving at the trees, then stopped mid sentence and looked back to me. She said, what I imagine was, ‘you can’t understand a word, can ya, Sugarcube?’
I just cocked my head and then looked around her then pointed. “Apple trees.” She looked at me and then where I was pointing. “Apple. Tree.” I went to a tree and picked up an apple from the ground. “Apple.” Touched a tree. “Tree.”
She got it and brightened up, taking the apple from me with her hoof and then said the word. I copied it easily and quickly and got a smile from her.
I’ll choke! That’ll be it. Take a bite and Snow White this fucker.
She took a bite and offered it to me. I took it in my hoof and bit into it. It was crunchy, sweet, a hint of sour. I chewed it all up and swallowed it, enjoying the sensation as it moved down my very long throat until it disappeared from my feeling and entered my stomach.
Allergies! Hives, honey. Get it?! Bring it on, baby!
She smiled and patted the apple in my hoof. A word indicated she wanted me to eat it and boy did I. Three bites and even the stem was gone, chewed and swallowed. I even licked my hoof while she looked at me with concern. She trotted to a nearby basket full of fresh apples and offered me another and if I was gonna die soon, I was gonna die with apples in me.
Each apple was amazing and four bites as she passed them to me.
I didn’t notice it but I was crying by the third and when it was gone I was way gone, too. Just a blubbering mess, so bad she scooped me onto her back and quickly trotted back to her house where she placed me on a couch and covered me in a blanket.
I noticed Apple Bloom come into the den and speak, then Granny Smith came over and placed a hoof on my head. I did wince away from her touch which sent a new wave of worry through them.
I couldn’t understand a word they said and just laid my head on my forelegs while they doted on me. I finally fell asleep to the soft sound of Granny Smith’s singing voice which was way more beautiful than I’d ever have thought from such a crotchety old mare.
I felt something tingling over me and opened my eyes to see purple. I scampered back and realized I wasn’t ready for death and to make it known I turned and tried to leap from the couch, got tangled in the blanket, fell and felt a sting of pain on my tongue.
Great. Bit my tongue off and’m gonna bleed to death. Fuck me.
A flurry of panic and worried conversation swarmed me and I felt my mouth forced open. A loud scream from the filly sent my heart to d’aww and I wished her away, to not watch me die.
A flash of purple, the feeling of vertigo, a singed hair scent with pain in the center of my head, and I was in a white room. A very obvious hospital. Shouting. Clopping of hooves. Many hooves. Then a happy dream flashed into being.
I woke up from dancing in skittles rain on my belly and alive.
Alive! What the funky cold Medina?!
A hint of grey in my peripheral and I looked over. It turned orange and I smiled for the first time in I don’t even know how long. “Thank you,” was all I could say and she smiled back to me.
She spoke in her language and I’m certain she assured me of my well being. I watched as she moved closer and tapped the bed and said the word. One word at a time? This isn’t gonna work, I need paper and… hands. Well, gonna learn mouth writing now.
I motioned the actions of writing and she nodded. She turned away and came back with a notepad and pencil. Not a quill, thank whatever god.
I drew an apple and wrote, very terribly, the word in English beneath it with an ‘x’ under it for her. She took the pencil from my mouth with deftness I couldn’t understand using her hooves and scribbled two characters beneath my word. “Huh. Pictographs. I can work with that, it’s like Chinese, only simpler.”
She passed the pencil back and said the word again, pointing to the first then second character. It made so much more sense that time so I just moved on to other things I thought of. From generic pony to even cutie marks. Each word so far carried less than three characters and each carried some of the same characters and sounds which was solid gold to me.
I even pointed to her and wrote her name, to which she was very puzzled and wrote her name beneath it. “Sva-ga-ta? Well, that’s totally different than what I was expecting. Here, how about this,” I wrote her name in Equestrian in English and said it aloud.
She nodded and tapped the words with enthusiasm then took the pencil.
She wrote, in freaking English, ‘Ya understand?’ Well, it was actually ‘Eu On⁌ r⑀ta⁌’, but the connotation was there. We had a difficult but realistic way to communicate. I grinned and nodded. I wrote out my alphabet on a new page, front and back because the paper wasn’t exactly 8x10 standard and she wrote the Equestrian version on her own after I did.
We traded and looked them over with a moment of contemplation. I drew a very shitty Twilight Sparkle Cutie Mark and tapped her letters then the mark.
Applejack got it and motioned for me to wait, which I did after she left. Misapplied medication. Overdose. Taken to surgery and cut up, good taken out and replaced with new that I reject. A fucking meteor crashes into Derpy and it reflects off her and right into my freaking eye, boiling my brains.
Shit, I have real issues now.
A while later I’m brought a meal and I ate it, cautiously. Twilight came in a while after that and after glancing between the alphabets she hopped into a flapping hover while obviously enjoying the moment.
She landed, blushed, and took the pencil in her magic, frowned at it, then used it to write ‘I am Twylyt. Wo am yu⁋’
I looked it over and sighed curtly. I made up a name on the spot and wrote it in. ‘Waiting Fall.’
She looked it over and shrugged. “Maybe talk we do. Speak word lost land.”
“I speak English, but maybe there’s a connection. You’re Twilight Sparkle. That’s Applejack. Right?”
She grinned and squeaked. “Me word you. You word fast. Good. Me word fast. Me Setting Sun Rising Moon Between Time With Stars Lighting Horizon With Glittering Flashes Light.”
I stared at her for a minute, or maybe a few seconds. “Too long. Twilight Sparkle.”
She rolled her eyes. “Short words. Lost Words. Teach me?”
I smiled and nodded. “To the start of a beautiful relationship.”
She blushed and took a step back. “No mate. Apologies.”
I snorted. “Uhh, no. We have deal.”
I raised a hoof and she sighed, rolled her eyes at herself, and bumped her hoof to mine. “Much gooding. Teach us other,” she grinned and turned to talk to Applejack. A few animated motions mid speech later and both smiled at me.
Yeah, if I die I’ll be okay knowing I at least spent a while happy.
Dear journal, Entry 185 Day Lucky 777! Date 105/336/1004NE
Two years alive and well. I’m almost over the paranoia of dying at every moment and have officially survived a Pinkie Pie party! It was my birthday, or the closest we could figure so I took advantage.
It was a communal birthday since there’s a twenty day period where all ponies are birthed twice a year and I chose the early spring. I love fall and all, but it still doesn’t do it for me.
So far this week I’ve worked at the farm and had lunch with my official special somepony’s. Never imagined Lyra and Bon Bon would take me into their herd but once there was my uniqueness, Lyra was all over me with questions and even took over my language training. I still have a lot to learn but I’m faster at learning than I thought because I can hold a decent conversation now, in freaking pony. Even the nicker-stop-whinney sounds that are used to denote importance of a sentence at the start.
That is confusing as all fuck, but it’s cool cuz I’m still maintaining my english through writing and teaching Lyra and Twilight.
Bon Bon makes the best desserts and Lyra takes care of meals and I’m living the easy life while they take care of their stallion. I get plenty of exercise through sports and farmwork, but that’s about all I do. I’m thinking I’ll give in and have, ya know, do IT again. The first time was just confusing since I’m not a pony and doggy style is just weird as a pony.
Pony style?
Well, it didn’t work out and I had to rely on other techniques ever since. I need to freaking release inside a freaking mare’s juicy taco!
Wow, I just wrote that. That’s dirty talking here. And I can barely translate some of the things I used to say when I was a human but when I do manage something it’s enough to quiet the guys’ gossip circle for a while. None of them ‘speak like mares’ outside the bedroom. Whatever. I’m gonna go for it.
I have the primal urge and two mares calling me to bed. I wish my past self luck! Or future self.
SEX!
I rolled over in the morning and felt limbs around me. Two mares holding me tightly. I smiled at the memory of what’d happened and looked to the mare against my front. Bon Bon, smiling in her sleep. I can only imagine Lyra’s doing the same as I am; reveling in the sensation of fulfilment. Only both these mares’re filled, I’m pretty drained.
I snickered at my joke and felt Lyra hug me tighter before she whimpered and turned, rolling off the bed and trotting to the bathroom quickly. “You made so much in me. Good stallion,” I could hear the happiness in her voice, “if Bon Bon is full you may have foals!”
I smiled at the thought of actually living here. In this world. Children, family, probably getting a job, talking with the stallions about goings on. Just, yeah. I can totally not-die and I’d be the happiest guy ever.
Another roll in the sheets with both mares was the last thing I did before they left and I went back to bed to sleep after all that action.
I didn’t know the magic powered stove was broken in the on setting and kept getting hotter. The fire started and I was tangled in sheets when I noticed the fire and sadly got to burn alive as I panicked my way into the hallway instead of out the window to certain safety. I actually saw clouds being shoved into the windows to put out the fire but I couldn’t breath so I didn’t get to experience too much happening because I actually suffocated and burnt to near death.
Well, I guess the burning alive was icing on the death cake.
The next few flashes of memory were pain, agony, blurred voices, and panic before I officially died again, as told by where I ‘woke’ up.