Fluttershy didn't listen. She ate a weasel. Now all must pay. A speedwrite begun and finished while I have this library computer for a one hour reservation.
Fluttershy didn't listen. She ate a weasel. Now all must pay.
A speedwrite begun and finished while I have this library computer for a one hour reservation.
One day Fluttershy Flutters was very hungry. She was hungry because Ponyville currently was rationing food, and she gave most of hers to the animals in her care. Ponyville was rationing food because it was currently under siege by the Flemish. That's right, fifteen hundred people from Flanders--the northern half of Belgium--had ended up in Equestria because Q thought it was funny or some other stupid reason. They were terrified of the talking horses and determined to starve them to death. This was unfortunate for Fluttershy, as she was now very hungry.
Most people don't know this, but Fluttershy isn't vegetarian. She spends so much time around carnivores and sick and dying animals that she is quite familiar with and accepting of the fragile temporary nature of life and how every second you spend, be it eating weasels or planting crops or refilling water bottles, or reading this crappy story is one more second you stand closer to the swift approaching unavoidable and all-encompassing eternal void of death. Fuck, that's depressing. Anyway, inasmuch she has no ethical objections to eating meat, and also, it's really delicious I mean seriously have ever had Orange Chicken?
Fluttershy inasmuch was pescetarian--that is, she only ate fish. Not like as in, "and nothing else", but rather, fish were the only formerly sentient creatures she ate.
Anyway, weasels are sort of like fish in that they are slippery and will slip right out of the web of lies they've created, and Fluttershy couldn't catch fish in the stream near her cottage because the Flemish had poisoned all the streams in and around Ponyville. Jesus fuck, never trust a french-speaking Belgian, at least not in Equestria.
Fluttershy was hungry and weasels are sort of like fish, so Fluttershy ate one. To kill it, she used the stare on it then boiled it alive while it was paralyzed by her dreadful peepers like fuck I'm saying fuck a lot but what a fucking way to go!
After it was nice and tender, Fluttershy ate it until only about a third of the lower body and entrails were left, which she fed to Harry the Bear.
There is a reason that you are taught in grade school not to eat weasels. It is not because most ponies are vegetarians, for young gryphons and ocelots are taught the same thing. Fluttershy unfortunately never went to school past second grade because extensive bullying drove her to fake chronic illness so she could avoid the bullying at school. She was subsequently home schooled and to this day has to pretend she can't fly well in order to keep up the sickly appearance. I'm sure there's a lesson in there somewhere.
Anyway, Fluttershy never learned this lesson, and so in the previous chapter ate a weasel. But just as some cows carry "mad cow disease"--weird corruptive proteins called "prions" that will fuck shit up in your brain and are kind of similar to viruses in a weird way--so too some weasels care "mad weasel disease". And this mad weasel disease comes about when you eat a weasel's pituitary gland--the seat of all weasel consciousness. Unfortunately, Fluttershy had indeed done just that, as she ate the entire weasel brain on account of being hungry.
And when one eats an infected weasel brain, one turns into Margaret Thatcher. Inasmuch, Fluttershy turned into the Iron Lady. Uh oh, that can't be good!
Fluttershy Flutters now looked like a Margaret Thatcher, if Margaret Thatcher were a pony. She flew over the blockade of Ponyville and towards the Crystal Empire. Once she reached the Crystal Empire, she entered the mirror portal and became a human. As a human, she looked like Margaret Thatcher. That's what you get for eating a weasel, Flutters.
Once in the human world (Scottsdale, Arizona, specifically), she traveled to the gun store. She had a special mission.
Arizona has pretty lax gun laws which I don't have time to look up right now, so Fluttershy was easily able to buy an AR15 and ten boxes of ammunition. This wasn't expensive for her seeing how the exchange rate is one bit = 238 dollars. Crazy stuff, that exchange rate. It's super cheap for Equestrians to vacation in America, so I expect we'll see it happening a lot more in the coming years. So Fluttershy bought these items, then visited the Grand Canyon while she was there, pushing ten people off of the edge of the rim since she was now Margaret Thatcher and thus heartless. Then she visited largest rose bush in the world because why not, and then she headed back to Equestria because she knew she would only be Margaret Thatcher for about 19 more hours. That's just how Weasels work.
If there are three things Margret Thatcher hated, it was poor people, northern England, and minors. Oops. I mean miners. As opposed to... okay I won't make a paedophile joke. (That's how the British spell it, the sick fucks. No wonder America broke away.) So Fluttershy as Margaret Thatcher pony flew back into Ponyville, where all the Equestrians weren't quite starving yet, but were definitely famished. Why they didn't just have those who could fly deliver supplies is beyond me.
Anyway, earth ponies are often great at digging holes, so a bunch of them were trying to dig a tunnel under the flemish siege forces into the Everfree forest so they could escape. It was going pretty well, when Fluttershy showed up in the guise of Margaret Thatcher. She opened fire on the miners and slaughtered 96 of them. Only three survived by playing dead. It was nothing short of the largest massacre on Equestrian soil since the great buffalo slaughter of '94. Man, that was a fun weekend.
So yeah, their plans to escape stymied, the remaining Equestrians all starved to death and the Flemish took over Ponyville. This set in motion a complex series of events culminating in the overthrow of the Equestrian Crown by seaponies, who set in place an industrial revolution in order to pump quadrillions of tons of greenhouse gasses into the air thereby causing runaway global warming, raising the sea lever over nine thousand feet and thus drowning almost all of Equestria and turning it into a haven for seaponies. It did get rid of those pesky humans though.
And hey, when Fluttershy turned back into herself, she certainly had plenty of fish to eat.
