My name is Darkstar. This is the story of the end of my life, and the beginning of my shattered existence.
Who am I?
I used to know who I was, I think, but now I'm not sure beyond my name. She confuses me. She does it on purpose. She has been with me since that incident. I want her to leave, but I'm afraid if I tell her, I'll be gone instead.
I try to understand how this happened. That last day of lucidity replays in my head over and over again…
Triggers - Talk of rape, self harm, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts, depression, physical and mental trauma, a unicorn in pain.
I live in Canterlot. I’m twenty years old. I’m a pure white unicorn with a long grey mane and yellow eyes. My cutie mark is three black stars arranged in a triangle. I stand about five and a half foot tall. I’m slender. I want to die.
Now I’ve introduced myself, my therapist, Doctor Ruby Tuesday, says I should write this down. She says it’s good for me – for us – to write it out. We don’t know about that. We aren’t too sure. I want to be left alone. I want to die. We want to die. Ruby won’t leave me alone. Air Raid won’t leave me alone.
I’m never alone. She’s always with me. She talks to me in the mirror. She laughs at me. She taunts me. She haunts me when she’s awake. Even when she’s asleep, like now, I know she’s there. I can hear her dreams. All I want is to be left alone. She wants us to die.
I want us to die. I want her out of my head.
She wasn’t always there, in my head. There was a time when I was normal. There was a time when I didn’t have Darkie laughing at me, taunting me, haunting me, trying to kill me.
Doctor Tuesday says I should write down what happened. I don’t want to. I know thinking about it will wake her up and, I don’t want to wake Darkie up. I like Darkie when she’s asleep but, Doctor Tuesday says I should write down what happened while I am in control.
Who am I to argue if she says it’ll help? She’s the therapist.
Okay, here goes. Here’s how it started. I hadn’t long been nineteen. I remember that very clearly. I spent my birthday in Ponyville with my brother Brightstar and my friends Cyclone, Air Raid and Slingshot. But…anyway I’m digressing. I do that a lot. My mind wanders when I try and think straight.
My mind doesn’t like me doing that. It tries to stop me. It’s not easy mouth writing. I can’t use my magic to hold the pen, and my hooves shake. Even if there wasn’t a high level inhibitor locked on my horn, I couldn’t use it anyway. You see, the top two thirds were cut off and now I have no control.
It’s no fun making the walls bleed, or shattering every reflective surface because Darkie is laughing at me in my head, or levitating a knife to cut your fetlocks…okay, that’s a lie. The last one was and is a lot of fun. I like cutting myself. It makes Darkie very happy when we watch ourself bleed.
I’m sorry, I’m digressing again. Where was I? Oh yes. The beginning. Don’t be surprised if I switch perspective. Doctor Ruby says it’s natural with a traumatic experience to look at it third-pony, like it’s not you, like it’s a TV show or a play. I’m stalling. I’m sorry.
Alright. The beginning. Once I tell you, you’ll maybe understand why Darkie wants us to die, and why I want to die. Why I hate breathing in and out. Why I hate being forced to exist from one second to the next. Why I hate waking up and discovering that I haven’t died in the night. Why I hate my life.
You can’t call this a life.
Sleeping in a padded room in my friend’s house, laying on a bed with straps and padded buckles so I don’t hurt myself in the night, oh…digressing. Again. Sorry. Again.
The beginning of my misery, and the birth of Darkie.
"Hey Java, can I have another coffee please?” Darkstar asked as she reclined on her seating pad at her favourite table. Café Diem had ten outdoor tables, however this one was her favourite. Situated so no matter the time of day it caught the sun, yet the awning from the window gave her the right amount of shade – and best of all – two potted perennial plants that coincidentally blocked breezes to the occupier of the seating pad. Many years ago Darkstar had laid claim to this pad. This was her spot.
“You can, Darkie,” Java replied with a grin as he ambled over to her table with a tray on his back. “If you ask me as if I were a zebra.”
“C’mon Java I’m thirsty!” Darkstar gave the cream coloured earth pony her best sexy pout.
“Pout all you want, oh sweet young unicorn.” He smiled, wiping his deep coffee brown mane from his sparkling green eyes. “It’s February, your exams are coming up and you need to practise. So, come on, a. Ask me properly.” Java chuckled, taking a symbolic step backwards.
“Oh bu…fine. Here goes. unaweza…i na…kahawa…tafadhali?” She asked hesitantly, reciting the zebran phrase she had studied.
“Oooh so very close my little protégé,” he grinned a wide grin, “But ‘can I have another coffee please’ is actually unaweza i na kahawa mwingine tafadhali?”
“I wasn’t far away Java!” The unicorn pouted again at the prospect of no coffee. “You’re showing off, just because you trained with the Coffee Tribe…”
“Oh no need to pout Darkie, you’ll curdle the milk.” The earth pony laughed at her raspberry as he laid the full tray in front of her on the table. “You weren’t far away, true, but you were far enough away that Professor Rosetta would’ve marked you down, honey.”
Levitating the steaming cup of coffee to her lips in her yellow aura she blew the steam away. “Thanks Java, you’re my coffee guardian angel.”
“Thanks?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Ugh…” she rolled her yellow eyes with a faux disgruntled look, “Shukuru, then.”
“That’s better. You’ll ace that languages exam yet, Darkie, you see if you don’t.” Java smiled warmly at her as he strode away to serve a family of pegasi that just walked into his café.
Darkstar watched the stallion walk off, happily trading banter with his many customers who were huddled inside the café. Granted, not everypony wanted to brave the late winter / early spring sun outdoors, but to the unicorn it made no difference. This was her spot. Taking a quick sip of her hot coffee she smiled, ‘best surrogate dad ever.’ It was an unspoken thing between her and the middle-aged stallion. They hadn’t said it outright, there was no need to.
Taking a second sip of her favourite coffee – a caramel macchiato that she had not had to ask for – her phone beeped to alert her to an incoming email. Swallowing the caramel flavoured coffee with a happy sigh she used her magic to scroll through her phone’s menu to the emails and opened it up. “Ooh it’s from Cy! No…no I mean ni kutokana na Cy!” She exclaimed with glee at hearing from her friend.
‘Hey Darkie,
It’s Cy, I’m just letting you know I’ve gotten to Cloudsdale okay. The cab ride took nine hours! I know the damn place moves but did it have to be half way to Vanhoover? I mean, come on! And, yes, before you ask I had the roof up and the windows closed. The trip was as dull as anything, but at least the cab had wifi, I was able to play that new Angry Parasprites game they’ve brought out. By the way, my highest score is four thousand. Beat that whitey.
My apartment’s okay…there’s really not a lot to it but it’s better than a hole in a cloud I guess. Here, I’ve put a few pics in the attachments. Honest opinion tell me what you think hun – don’t be too honest though, ‘kay? At least the rent is affordable, by that I mean it’s cheap.
I’ve got an interview with the head of the Uni over here in a couple of days, but I really don’t think they’ll let me in with my record now. Who knows, I’ll ask anyway. If they don’t accept me I guess I’m job-hunting.
Look…Darkie…I know we aren’t exactly neighbours but don’t be a stranger alright? Call me, Skype me, Facebook or whatever. I miss you all already. Keep in touch Darkie.
I hate being away from you.’
Darkstar closed her emails with a flash of her magic and floated her phone to the table to replace it with the now half empty coffee cup raised to her lips. Draining the remainder of the cup she licked her lips clean of the caramel flavoured drink and idly picked up her phone again, this time scanning through her downloaded photos. She flicked through them until she found several new ones that were flagged as unseen. “Ooh this must be Cy’s new place…let’s have a look…oh…oh my…” Darkstar wrinkled up her nose at the state of the cloudominium Cyclone had managed to secure. ‘No wonder the rent’s cheap Cy,’, she thought as she scanned through the pictures of what appeared to be just a one-roomed studio flat. ‘Oh Cy…’
The white unicorn reclined on her seating pad basking in the few rays of sun that made it past the café’s awning and landed on her fur. It was a shame Cy had to move, but upon reflection it had been her own fault. After she had been arrested that had been the deal; leave Canterlot and the charges of child molestation will be dropped. As there had been witnesses that saw her kiss the little filly, she’d had very little choice but to move. What surprised Darkstar was the choice of location. ‘Oh well…it’s your own fault Cy.’
Sliding herself off of her seating pad and picking up the tray in her magic she trotted inside the café and down the doubled row of ten tables to the counter. “Hey Java, a refill please while I go to the mare’s room.” She turned to go having set the empty tray down but paused when she got no answer. “You hear me Java?”
“Hear what?” Java chuckled as he turned his back on his favourite customer to serve another pony. “I’ll hear you, Darkie, when you ask properly.”
“Oh come on Java! Every time, really?” she asked, slightly desperate both for the bathroom and for another caramel macchiato. He just carried on serving the other pony with an amused smile on his muzzle.
“You know the rule Darkstar,” Java chuckled as he gave the mare at the counter the drink she had ordered.
“Fine…um…tafadhali unaweza…i na kahawa?” sShe asked with a slight hint of frustration in her voice as she put the phrase together, hopefully in the right order this time. Judging by Java’s smile the unicorn had got it right.
“Oh…’please can I have a coffee’ now is it?” The earth pony smiled at her. “We have gotten polite haven’t we?” Sniggering to himself he turned and activated the barista machine. “Go take care of…whatever it is you need to take care of Darkie, I’ll leave your coffee at your spot.”
“Thanks Java!” With that the white unicorn uncrossed her hindlegs and made a dash for the mare’s bathroom, much to the stallion’s delight. She swore she could still hear him laughing as she reached the first stall and shut the door behind her.
Turning and seating herself on the white porcelain Darkstar heaved a gentle sigh at the fullness in her lower abdomen, the familiar feeling she got when her bladder was full. Spreading her hindlegs in the stall the white mare reached down and spread her labia open, amusing herself for the moment with the pretence that she was peeing for her brother’s enjoyment. ‘Brighty always did like watching me…shame he’s in Filly…’ she thought with a heavy sigh of pleasure as her sphincter muscles finally relaxed and her golden urine began to stream from her full bladder through her urethra. “MMmmm damn that feels good.” She murmured as her stream eventually started to end and with it her discomfort.
"Oooh my coffee!” Darkstar giggled, finally sliding off of and flushing the café’s toilet with her magic she re-emerged from the bathroom to see Java pointing to her spot outside.
“One extra-large caramel macchiato with chocolate sprinkles for my favourite studying unicorn.” Java grinned as Darkstar rushed behind the counter and gave him a tight hug. “Oof…it’s waiting at your spot Darkie.” the cream earth pony gasped through her hug.
“Asante Java, asante!” Darkstar yelled the zebran for ‘thank you’, virtually galloping outside to her table. The beautiful sight that greeted her made her heart melt with utter joy; not only was there an extra huge steaming mug of coffee, but there was also an amazing, gorgeous, fantastic caramel donut sitting on the tray like a queen next to a king. “Oh Java…I love you!” Sliding back on her spot she gave the donut a reverential lick, shivering with absolute pleasure. ‘Salted caramel…you sexy beast…’ she thought happily as she swallowed the flavoured icing.
Just as she was about to take a large – and thoroughly un-ladylike – bite out of the wonderful donut her phone rang. Seeing she was alone in her spot, nopony even sat next to her on the adjacent tables, Darkstar answered her call with her magic, automatically switching it to loudspeaker when she saw whom was calling. “Y’hello Raid, what’s up?” she asked, her tongue still a little heavy from the sticky caramel.
“Let me guess. You, Café Diem, salted caramel donut and a macchiato?” Air Raid’s amused voice sounded from the speaker.
“Uh…how’d you know that?” Darkstar answered with her own question as she floated the coffee to her lips in an attempt to wash the caramel from her tongue. Strange how it tasted slightly ‘odd’ this time.
“Shot, you want this one?”
A stallion’s voice came across the phone, just as Darkstar heard the sound of a powerful engine brought to life. “That’s your caramel voice, Darkie.”
“I do not have a ‘caramel voice’ thank you very much Slingshot!” the unicorn tried to sound indignant and failed, so contented herself with another sip of her sweet coffee.
“Sure you do Darkie,” she could practically hear the smile on the pink earth pony’s muzzle, “It’s the same lusty voice Raid uses when she describes your dances…hey! Oow!” He grunted as Air Raid nudged him hard in the ribs with her hoof.
Giggling like a filly she set her mug down and wiped her lips, “Raid just dig you in the ribs sweetie?”
“Yes…and it totally hurt!” Slingshot whimpered like a terminally injured ninety year old.
“Aw…you poor abused stallion. Darkie kiss it better when you get back, promise.” Darkstar purred in the best sexiest ‘bedroom voice’ she could make, smiling to herself at the imagined effect it was having on the pony holding the other phone.
“Y-you’d better promise.” the semi-aroused whimper was evident in his voice, even a thousand miles away.
“Down boy,” Air Raid sniggered at the wheel of the car as she joined the freeway. “Just letting you know we’re starting back now, we should be back in Canterlot in roughly eighteen and a half hours, assuming the freeway’s clear.”
“Hmm…so one in the afternoon now, you should get back say oh…seven thirty tomorrow morning then?.” Darkstar quickly worked it out in her head. “Hey…you driving now? Isn’t that dangerous Raid?”
“Nah…I got it on the hooves-free Darkie,” Air Raid chuckled as Slingshot let out an indignant ‘hey!’
“I don’t think Shot likes being called your ‘hooves-free’ Raid.” Darkstar laughed as she took another lick of the caramel from her donut ‘still tastes a little funny,’ she thought, but paid it no mind. “So hey, how was Filly?”
“Filly was awesome!” Air Raid cheered as she shifted up a gear, “We totally rocked it! Ten wins from fourteen races we got joint first over all in the tables!”
“Yes, I saw, very nice Raid, well done and all that; I’m sure your trophy is very shiny and lovely,” Darkstar dismissed off-hoofedly., “That’s not what I meant. Any sign of Wily?” she asked eagerly, taking a nibble of the donut and not noticing the taste anymore.
This time Slingshot answered. “No Darkie, not a whisper. We thought we saw a small yellow pegasus the other week when we had some down time, but that was just a half look from our car, that’s why we called you then. We didn’t expect Brightstar to come out here as well just on a hunch.”
“Ugh…fine, I guess. What’s Brighty doing anyway?”
“He’s staying out here a bit longer hun,” Air Raid said with a suggestive tone in her voice. “He says he’s looking for Wily, but me and Shot think it’s got more to do with this sweet looking lady griffon he met while we were in this pub a couple of nights back.”
“He’s chasing a griffon?” Darkstar asked, taking another slightly larger bite of her now half eaten donut and washing it down with the last of her macchiato. “I’ll never see him again!” she exclaimed with a giggle.
“She’s nice; Moonbeak, I think her name is. I got a picture of them both on my phone, I’ll get Shot to mail it you in a sec.” Air Raid grinned as she overtook a couple of slower electric cars. “Hey…how’s the search going back home?”
“Yeah…yeah it’s going alright…” Darkstar shook her head, fighting away a sudden feeling of room spinning nausea that washed over her. ‘Weird…’ she thought as she shook her head again. “I uh…I chased up that nurse, what’s her name, Eirene…well she put me onto this pegasus that works in the hospital cafeteria. I spoke to her and she described this purple unicorn that Wily’s dad met with. I did a little digging and she runs this care home in Canterlot. Raid I think I’m close, real close.”
“Darkie…be careful babe,” Air Raid subconsciously rubbed her muzzle with her free hoof while the other held the wheel, “remember what happened to me before we left for Filly?” she asked, referencing the occasion a week and a half before Hearths Warming Eve when they had both pounded on Cold Front’s door demanding to know exactly where Wildfire was, just to get the door slammed in their faces, Air Raid getting a fracture of her muzzle as she was standing slightly closer than her friend.
“Raid…oooh…” The unicorn stumbled her words as the café spun again, “I uh…I’ll be fine…I, I got this sw-sweetie.”
“Darkie?” Slingshot asked with concern at the sudden slur in her voice, “You alright?”
“I…I think so…I’m gonna go…home I think, too many…donuts.” Darkstar found her hooves were shaking as she stood up from her spot.
Slingshot gave Air Raid a look from his passenger seat, a look of ‘what’s she into now?’ A look that did not go unrecognised as the pegasus put her right hoof down, speeding up her Fiesta. “I’ll call you later hun when we stop for a break.”
“Yeah…yeah Shot…sure thing…” Darkstar hung up the call, floating her phone into her bag with her yellow magic, which for some reason began fizzing as she tried to maintain the levitation. “What the buck’s wrong with me?” she asked aloud, shaking her head again.
“Ah!” Java exclaimed with a wide smile as he appeared at the side of the table. “I’ll just take your tray if you’re done Darkie, unless you’d like another, on me?”
“Uh…n-no, no Java…I um…I’m gonna go home I think.” Darkstar staggered like she’d had three glasses of Luna’s best moonshine. Which she hadn’t of course, not since Dusk had elected to shut himself away from the known universe.
“Hey…” the cream earth pony said gently, reaching out a hoof to steady the young mare, “You okay Darkstar?”
“Y-yeah…yeah I’m fine…” she murmured as the world spun again, making her feel sick. “I’m f-fine. Thanks for the coffee…and thanks for the caramel donut too…”
“Donut?” Java wondered out loud as he watched Darkstar stagger away, “What donut?” He gave a shrug of his shoulders and thought nothing of it, ‘probably just one of her pranks,’ he thought with a smile. Well, she wasn’t getting him this time.
Stumbling along the street Darkstar leant against the wall as the world continued to spin; she swallowed hard, breathing through wave after wave of nausea that threatened to overwhelm her. Another step and her vision swam again, the sidewalk and the street blurring together to be indistinguishable from one another. “Wh-what…what’s wrong with me?” Taking a further step she tripped over the curb and landed in the gutter, her head in her forelegs in order to steady the world and stop it from spinning.
“Ugh…bucking hell…wh-what…” So preoccupied was she with keeping the world in the right axis and the contents of her stomach on the inside rather than decorating the street that the stricken unicorn didn't notice the white transit van that pulled up alongside her with a screech of tyres.
“B…Buck…” Darkstar gasped as she struggled to stand up, only to find that her legs wouldn't do as they were told. Somewhere a long way away in her conscious she registered a door slamming somewhere very close to her, off to her right flank, from the direction of the road. Again she tried to stand only for her forelegs to turn to jelly beneath her, unable to support her own weight. She heard two voices coming from her right…voices she’d never heard before. They were stallions though, she was sure about that. Two stallions and they were getting close to her. ‘Oh good…help. They can help me…’
“It looks like the drugs are working.” she clearly heard one say to the other.
“Yeah,” she heard the other agree with a nasty sounding laugh, “How dumb do you have to be to eat any old ‘donut’?”
‘Oh shit…oh shit, oh shit…’ Darkstar registered vaguely the menace in the stallions’ voices. Through the fuggy haze clouding her brain she caught the hint that she was very suddenly in a whole world of trouble. ‘I've been drugged…they did this to me…’ struggling with all the effort she could muster the unicorn tried to crawl away from the two stallions who immediately burst out laughing at her futile effort to get away.
"Hey!” A third stallion’s voice sounded out, a little further away than the other two, "Take all day, why don't you? We don't want anypony else on the street to notice us, idiots, hurry it up!" Darkstar froze in sheer terror. She recognised that voice. If she thought she was in trouble before she certainly knew she was now. Redoubling her efforts to crawl away she made it all of two feet before she felt a heavy hoof land square on her back, pinning her to the ground.
“He’s right, come on let's get her in the back.” As soon as she heard those words she felt a firm leg hook around and under her right foreleg, lifting her roughly off the ground and causing the whole world to spin out of control as she tried to focus on what was happening. Just as she started to slip and fall another equally strong hoof caught her under her other leg and lifted her again, forcing her towards the open van doors.
Realising finally what was about to happen Darkstar started to struggle against the stallions that currently held her upright. “Let…let me go!” She aimed a kick at the stallion to her left and a punch to the right, but drugged and held as she was there was precious little sting to the blows, and she was rewarded for her efforts by a swift punch to the side of her head that made stars explode in her eyes.
"Get in there you white bitch!” one stallion yelled in her ear, easily lifting her up and throwing her bodily into the back of the transit van while the other hopped up inside with her and pulled the doors shut with a resounding clang of metal on metal.
“Oow…ugh!” Darkstar rolled over in the back of the van, tasting metal and rust as her head banged off of the dirty floor. Landing on her back she saw the hazy shape of a stallion dove into her field of vision above her. Full of fear and panic the unicorn fired off a series of bright sparks and flashes from her horn. She tried to aim but found she couldn't even see straight.
“Nice light show.” was all she heard from the stallion before a stern kick impacted her abdomen, making her retch into the filth of the van’s oily grimy floor.
Fighting to keep herself as alert as she could, which under the circumstances wasn't very alert, Darkstar attempted another spell. Concentrating she lit her horn and in her panic cast her invisibility spell, feeling the familiar lightness take her as she faded from view.
"Oh no...where could she possibly be?” the unicorn’s voice sounded, nasty with sarcasm as he lit his own horn, sending a wave of freezing cold through the back of the van that instantly had icicles hanging from the ceiling. It caught Darkstar and made her cry in shock, interrupting her spell. Feeling for her the stallion landed a sharp jab at the base of her horn that made her squeal, cancelling out the illusion. Leaning over her the unicorn wedged his hoof against her neck, keeping her pinned down. Lighting his horn again he floated over a small golden ring.
Darkstar’s yellow eyes went wide with fresh panic as she saw and recognised the gold ring for what it was. “N-no…no please…please don’t, please…”
“You’re at University, right?” the unicorn sneered as he held her head still and floated the ring down the length of her horn and secured it with a savage twist that made her cry out. “Time to teach you a lesson.”
So, there you have it. As much as I remember. I was drugged and dragged into the back of a van. I don’t remember what happened after that. From what I was told and, from what I read of the police and the medical reports though, I’m kinda glad I don’t remember.
Hey Darkstar…it’s wakey wakey time…
No! It’s still my turn!
Ha…y’know ya can’t keep me asleep for very long. I’m you, remember, weakling?
I’m not weak!
Yeah? Then why were you so easy to overpower, huh? Weakling.
I’m not weak!
Yeah right. Admit it, you like it when I wake up. I make things exciting, I bring the fun in, don’t I? Weakling…
I’M NOT WEAK!
Oh no? Ha. Ha. Ha. Keep on shouting, and the nurse will come.
I’m…not…weak!
Keep on talking to yourself like this and she’ll strap you down again like last time. Then…you’d like that, right? All nice and snug, strapped to your bed like a weak loony…
I’m…not…
Crazy old Darkstar. Just like crazy old mommy…
I’m…weak! Darkie hold me! Please!
Shh…shh Darkie’s here now. Let Darkie tell them what happened next. Darkie make it all better. Trust me. Darkie will make it all better little one, Darkie will always. Be. Here. Always.
There. Now she’s gone away for a bit, before the nurse comes, I’ll tell you the rest. Darkstar hates this bit. That’s why she needs me. I’m the strong one, not her. She’s pathetic. I can’t stand that I need to share her body. Such a waste. Unfortunately I can’t tell you exactly what happened. I hadn’t been created until the weakling woke up from her pathetic little coma.
Anyway. The reports.
I was…Darkstar was…we…were raped by the three stallions who abducted us. Many times. We don’t know how many times. More than once each anyway. They left their cum in us.
I think Darkstar enjoyed it. Maybe a little. She’s a naughty little pony. Fucked her brother ya know. I know! Sick, right?
Anyway. They didn’t stop at raping her…me…us…WHATEVER! They broke four of her ribs, punctured her lung. They broke her left foreleg in three places. Who knows? Maybe the weakling tried to fight back? I doubt it. Her left hind leg was broken too, as was her jaw.
Now, tee hee, now, oh now we get to the really fucked up part. I love this part. They cut off the top two thirds of her horn and stabbed her twice in the gut. With her own horn! I know…messed up, right? Oh yeah, they fractured our skull when they did that. Probably screwed up her weak little brain. Which is why I’m here, so not all bad, huh?
Hey…the best part? You’re probably thinking it was quick, right Doc? Nah. Not so much. Darkstar don’t remember this bit, but I do. Get in real close. I’ll tell ya. See, a unicorn’s horn is made of a thickened keratin and it has a pliable, almost fluid, inner core. Ya have to really want to remove one. They used the flat slicing edge of a kitchen knife. A really, really dull kitchen knife.
I can tell ya, it took them at least twenty minutes. Two stallions held her down and the third did it. The amount of pain that poor little Darkstar endured was bad. Nasty bad. She screamed so much she lost her voice. You try removing a leg with a penknife, ya get the idea.
But they weren’t done, those stallions. Whoever assaulted Darkstar didn't plan on her surviving. She was found in the Warehouse District. She was very near death, really. Should’ve froze to death, but she didn’t. Guess she ain’t so weak after all, huh?
Well, look at that. I got me a pen in my mouth. The nurse should know better than to leave Darkstar with something sharp and pointy. Anything could happen, right? Tee hee, shall we see how fast she is today?
Taking the pen in my mouth I bite hard at the tip, snapping it and making a jagged edge. Looking up at the security cameras positioned in the corners of the room I smile. Inwardly I bet Jewel Joy will take ten minutes to get through the little barricade that Darkstar put there before she woke me up.
That was nice of her, right?
Right?
Giving the camera a wink I plunge the jagged edge of the pen deep into my right fetlock, just above the old scars that are there just under my white fur. As dark red blood trickles from the torn capillaries, I do it again and again, stabbing the lower foreleg as hard as I can while the nurse tries to open the door to our room. She’ll be a few minutes yet. Plenty of time to bleed some more.
It’s satisfying, looking at the crimson, smelling the coppery tang as the blood pours over our foreleg and our hoof. It stains the padded floor as I stab us again, and again. The pain…wow…the pain is exhilarating! As Nurse Joy finally breaks the door open, I stab the pen in so far it stays in our foreleg. She doesn’t look happy. I guess it’s a few hours strapped to the bed for us. Oh well, I’m feeling sleepy now anyway.
It’s dark. Actually it’s pitch black. I can’t see a thing.
I only know I’m awake because I’m blinking. I still can’t see anything though. Am I even awake? To be honest, I don’t really know. Then again, I must be. No dream can match this reality I’m living in right now. Then again, is this reality? I don’t know for sure…sorry, I’m digressing. I do that a lot.
I don’t so much have a train of thought as I have a derailment.
Anyway. I was sleeping. I like sleeping. When I’m asleep I’m free of her. Darkie leaves me alone when I’m asleep. I don’t know why and I don’t care. Hmm…why did I wake up? It’s dark in my room. Actually it’s pitch black. I can’t see a thing.
Why did I wake up? Not today I mean, whenever today is, I mean months ago now, from the coma. Why? Why did I wake up? Tartarus if I know. Is this Tartarus? Hmm…my own personal Tartarus, now, there’s an idea. Maybe I’ll talk to Doctor Tuesday about it at our next session together.
I like Doctor Tuesday. Darkie likes Doctor Tuesday. She lets us play with the knife. We like the knife. We named it. We called it Symphony. Symphony listens when we talk to it. Symphony likes us. She likes it when we play with her. She likes it when we stroke her handle, when we kiss her spine and her blade. We love Symphony’s carved wooden handle. Doctor Tuesday even had her name embossed in gold lettering. It looks good against the dark wood. Symphony has a twelve inch blade, made from a fifteen layer Damascus steel. The pattern is beautiful. We love Symphony…
Oh…I’m digressing again. Sorry. Where was I? Oh yes…waking up. Why did I do that again? I was in a coma. The coma was lovely. I was playing with my mum. Shining Star loved to play catch with me and my brother, well, she did before her incident. We were fourteen – we as in Brightstar and I, not we as in Darkie and me – when mum was committed to the asylum in Canterlot.
She was an illusionist, like we are. She was even famous, a bit. Mum supported Trixie on her magic tours, played assistant, she even helped her start up her first permanent night club in Canterlot. We liked Trixie’s Place. It was fun. We’d go there with mum. Then the inevitable happened. She lost control of her illusions. She couldn’t tell what was real and what was an illusion she’d created. It happens to all illusionists.
Oh…sorry, I was talking about why I woke up. Air Raid did it. She whispered a poem to me in the hospital. One of her favourite lines from a play she likes. What was it now? Oh yes, we remember;
“Our revels now are ended. These our actors, As I foretold you, were all spirits and Are melted into air, into thin air: And, like the baseless fabric of this vision, The cloud-capp'd towers, the gorgeous palaces, The solemn temples, the great globe itself, Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve And, like this insubstantial pageant faded, Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff As dreams are made on, and our little life Is rounded with a sleep.”
Our revels now are ended. We are such stuff as dreams are made on. Huh…if that’s true then by my dreams I must be one crazy mare. Mad. As mad as my mum. Any day now they’ll take us away to the nut farm. It’s only due to Air Raid that they haven’t yet.
Air Raid. My friend. My carer. That bitch! I know she doesn’t care, nopony cares! NOPONY CARES!
That’s it Darkstar. You tell them. Tell them all. They don’t care. They don’t love you the way I love you.
You don’t care either!
Yes I do my love. I love you Darkstar, you’re my super special somepony. You’re my star in the darkness, you know that, right my love? Actually, why is it dark, Darkstar? It’s not just dark. Actually it’s pitch black. I can’t see a thing. Why? Are your eyes closed?
Hmm…no, no your beautiful yellow eyes are open, so why is it dark? Why, Darkstar, why? Why?
I DON’T KNOW!
Don’t shout at me. You hurt my feelings.
I’m sorry.
I don’t think you are.
I am! I’m sorry!
Are you? Are you sorry?
YES!
I’m afraid I’ll have to hurt you now.
Why? Darkie, I said I was sorry! Please don’t hurt us!
Shh…shh…sweetness. Darkie’s here now. I need to hurt you, don’t you see? I have to hurt you. Everypony who claims to love you hurts you. Then again…everypony who claims to love you ends up leaving, don’t they?
That’s not true!
No?
NO!
Oh really? Where’s mummy? Mummy hurt us when she left. She ‘loved’ you. Where’s Brightstar? He said he loved you. Darling brother said he loved you when he was rutting you stupid all those times. Where’s he now? Where’s Air Raid? She ‘loves’ you, but where’s she? Off racing. She loves her career more than you, just like when she left Wildfire.
That’s not true!
Yes, it is. All those ponies claim to love you, and they’re gone. I really love you. I’m here. I love you, Darkstar. Do you love me?
No.
Yes, you do. You love me. Say you love me. Say it and mean it. Say you love me and I’ll leave you alone. Say it.
I love you Darkie!
I know you do. I love you Darkstar. Now, it’s dark. Why is it dark? It’s so dark. Actually, it’s pitch black. I can’t see a thing. Why?
I looked around. It was still dark no matter which way I looked. Very, very dark. I was in my room. That much I know. How long had I been in here? Bucked if I know, really. It’s dark, so that means it’s somewhere between eight p.m. and eight a.m. that’s when the lights go out. See, built into the padded ceiling are three strip lights that give off natural light, because there’s no windows in my padded room.
Ah…so, that’s why it’s dark. The lights are off. So, why am I awake? Why is she awake? Why are we awake? It’s dark, so it’s night-time.
Ooooh. Agonising cramps in my abdomen. That’s why.
I need to pee. I really, really need to pee. Memory comes flashing back like a tidal wave. NGGGGH bad choice of words. I haven’t peed for…let me think now, the lights have come on, gone off, come on and gone off again. That makes um…something like two days.
Two days since I last took a pee. Luna, it hurts!
Instinctively I try to get up. I can’t. I can’t so much as move an inch. Why can’t I move?
Oh yeah…I’m strapped down to my bed. I forgot. Can you believe I’ve been rabbiting on all this time in the pitch black without trying to move? Ponies’ll think I’m mad! MAD! Me!
Damn though…these straps are tight. Funny thing, I’ve only just realised they’re tight. It’s a good thing my mattress is so soft. It’s a cloud you see. Enchanted under the sheet covering it. Good thing too, I’ve been on this bed for oh, let’s see, three days now. Nurse Joy likes the straps. She punishes us with the straps when we’re bad.
She punishes us a lot. We’re bad a lot.
They’re good straps too. Very tight. Two go in an X across my chest that meet a horizontal one going across my chest. This runs to hoof cuffs buckled tight around my forehooves. These are strapped to buckles at the side of the bed frame. Lower down my body are straps around my upper thighs that are buckled to straps that hold my upper hind legs, shoulder-width apart and down on the mattress. Lower still, are hoof cuffs buckled around my hind hooves that are buckled to straps that are fastened securely to the sides of the bed.
So…there we are. Fully exposed on the bed and I still need to pee! I can’t though. We can’t. If we pee without Nurse Joy’s permission she’ll punish us. I think she hates us.
I tried telling Air Raid that Nurse Joy spat in the food she made us last time, before she left to race in Baltimare, but Air Raid didn’t do anything. I tried telling her she brushed my mane too hard, but Air Raid didn’t do anything. All she did was speak to Nurse Joy. All that did was earn us two days on the bed and Nurse Joy used the brush and spanked my inner thighs till they almost bled.
I know not to upset Nurse Joy.
BUT I NEED TO PEE! Oh Luna I need to pee so bad!
“Nurse Joy!” I scream into the pitch black room. Of course I get no reply. Not even an echo. “NURSE JOY!” I scream again and uselessly try to struggle against the straps and the hoof cuffs. I know she can see me. I know she can hear me. There are four cameras in the room, one in each corner of the room looking down, recording all the time, transmitting to the living room.
“NURSE JOY! PLEASE!” I know begging is pointless. I’m writhing on the bed as much as I can. Sweet Luna it hurts! My bladder hurts so much! “NURSE PLEEEEEEEEEASE! I NEED TO PEE! PLEASE!”
I wonder if she’s laughing at us? Laughing at me? I’m crying now, tears running hot, salty tracks down my cheeks. I know she’s watching. Nurse Joy loves to see us cry.
Distraction. Think about something else. That’s the thing to do.
By the right side of the bed is a recorder. I’m not allowed to have pens anymore since Darkie stabbed my fetlock the other day. Doctor Ruby Tuesday arranged the recorder instead so I can talk out things that bother me, or things we need to talk about.
I know what I’m thinking. Why don’t I talk into the recorder and let Doctor Tuesday know I’m being punished? We tried that. Nurse Joy hears us and just deletes what we said. Then she punishes us.
Record.
There. The green light flashing in the dark lets me know the digital recorder is working. What the hay do I say now? What’s bothering me besides my aching distended painful bladder? How much I want to die? How much I want the pain to end? Or do I talk about how alone I feel. Yes, that. I’ll talk about the first time I was abandoned.
Abandoned by Brightstar and by Air Raid, shortly after I woke. I was at Air Raid’s house, this house, but this room wasn’t padded back then. It is now.
“I was just about to make breakfast, would you like pancakes or waffles?” Brightstar asked, his own smile about as false as his friend’s was.
“Did you…um, sleep well, Darkie?” Air Raid asked, taking the empty coffee mugs to the sink.
“Pancakes,” Darkstar muttered simply, shooting her brother a foul look that threatened to curdle the milk he was going to make the pancakes from. Pointedly ignoring Air Raid she looked down at the black marble island top as the stallion got up and floated out the eggs, flour and milk to start cooking the pancakes.
“Darkie...” Air Raid asked again, this time a little louder, “did you sleep ok…”
Without looking up from the island top Darkstar quietly interrupted her. “Shut up...you two were talking about us…”
With his back to his sister and very grateful that he had something to occupy himself with, Brightstar replied, “Well, yeah, I was talking to Raid about you staying in Canterlot instead of moving to Fillydelphia. You grew up here, so it’s more familiar to you,” he said as he flipped the first set of three pancakes in the pan.
“Liar...shut up!” Darkstar shouted, still resolutely looking at the marble top. “You don't want us, we heard...told you he'd hurt us…”
Air Raid sat back down and slowly reached her hoof out to the white mare. “D-Darkie, no...that's not what we said at all, hun.”
“Darkie, please calm down,” Brightstar sighed as he served the pancakes to a waiting plate and started to cook three more. “If you really want to move, then say so!” he exclaimed, angry that they’d been overheard earlier, and at how his sister was talking. He desperately wanted to grab her and shake her, but he knew that was out of the question. Instead he settled for slamming Air Raid’s cupboard doors as he put away the flour.
“Yes...we'll be calm, we’ll be quiet just for you,” Darkstar muttered sullenly. ‘They don’t want you. Not your brother or your friend. They hate you. They hate us. I’ll keep you safe…trust me, Darkie.’
“Darkie...we were talking...” Air Raid said hesitantly, her hoof still on her friend’s withers, being utterly ignored. “You can always stay here if you want to, you know that.”
“Okay then!” Brightstar called out, switching off the electric oven. “Pancakes are ready. You want maple syrup, Darkie? We have strawberry jam too.”
“Maple syrup,” Darkstar murmured, almost inaudibly, her yellow eyes glued resolutely downwards as if scared to look either of the other ponies in the eyes. ‘They hate us, you know they hate us…they’re scared of us…we aren’t normal…you’re a freak!’
Brightstar shrugged as Air Raid gave him a concerned, questioning look with a nod to the sullen white mare. “Syrup it is then!” he said loudly, levitating up the three plates, knives, forks and maple syrup in his magical field. “We can eat in the dining room, get some use out of it.”
“Just cuz I usually eat here in front of the telly…” Air Raid stuck her tongue out at the royal blue stallion as she slid herself off of her seating pad and moved around to gently nudge the white mare’s shoulder. “C'mon Darkie, you'll feel better with a full belly.”
“We'd feel better if we were wanted,” Darkstar said petulantly as she stood from her pad and followed after the lime green mare towards the dining room. ‘Crazy…that’s what they call you. You’re crazy Darkie…’
Brightstar brought up the rear with the food and utensils floating in front of him. “We both want what is best for you, and that is for you to live with one of us.”
Upon entering the dining room Darkstar sloped onto the nearest seating pad to her and propped her elbow on the mahogany table to hold her head up. “What if we wanted to go home?” she asked, already sure of the answer she’d get.
Air Raid sat opposite her at the other side of the dining table and breathed through her nose, almost snorted, “You can't, we've discussed this!”
Darkstar wasn’t disappointed, she knew she wouldn’t be. “Because we're...crazy,” She said glumly.
“Raid, if she is that desperate to leave us then who are we to stop her?” Brightstar asked almost rhetorically as he floated the food to the table and magically set the cutlery beside each plate. “She is an adult,” he said, taking his own seating pad while shooting his ‘adult’ sister a sideways look that screamed he thought anything but, “But it will be you that's doing the leaving Darkie, not us.”
In silence Darkstar started to eat her first pancake, ignoring the knife and fork she picked it up in her much-weakened yellow aura and took a bite of it that way instead. Although the inhibitor siphoned off most of her magic, enough made it past the lower level ring to just manage a foal-level levitation…if she concentrated really hard. “We don't need them, go home...no, it'd be just us...” she argued straightaway, cocking her head as if she were talking to a pony next to her rather than in her head. “So? I'll keep you safe...no!...but...NO!” she shouted loudly, making the other two flinch as she thumped the dinner table with her forehoof. “Raid...we'll stay here, please.”
Halfway through his own pancake Brightstar tried very hard to hide the relief on his face. “You've made a good choice there sis. Raid is one fast pony.”
“Hmm…” was all the sound the white mare made as she picked up and ate her second pancake. ‘Your own brother doesn’t want you…who wants a crazy half-unicorn?’
“Yes!” Air Raid pulled a hoof-pump over her pancakes, “Girlie sleepover, every night!” She whooped with glee, genuinely happy to have another body in the house, even if it was a little wacko.
“Yes, I can just see it now,” Brightstar chuckled, rolling his yellow eyes at the thought as he picked up his pancake.
“Yeah…” Darkstar said very quietly, “we'll have fun.” ‘You see it the same way you see our mom in me…crazy little pony!’
“Um…anyway, Moon will arrive at three this afternoon,” Brightstar said brightly, catching his sister’s instant switch and wanting to change the subject. “We can go out for dinner if you’d like?” he asked optimistically.
“That's a good idea Bright,” Air Raid agreed, the lime green pegasus also glad of the subject change. “Darkie you can finally meet her!”
“We've met her...” Darkstar said simply, her tone strangely flat, devoid of any feeling. “We remember when we were asleep.”
“Sweetie, that's not what I meant...” Air Raid began before the troubled unicorn interrupted her.
“We know what you meant,” Darkstar said, cutting across her friend somewhat mechanically. “Don't want it....” she muttered as she looked at her third and last pancake sitting on her plate. “We want it over...hush! ...we've had enough!” she shrieked, sudden feeling re-entering her voice. ‘End it…we’re crazy…it’s for the best.”
Completely misunderstanding Brightstar thought she meant the pancake, “It's okay, you don't have to eat it all.”
“I'll take your plate, Darkie,” Air Raid offered helpfully, not wanting her friend to exert herself.
Darkstar held up her white hoof as she stood from her seating pad. “We can do it, Raid,” she said with a distinct grimace as on the first attempt of lighting her horn the magic puttered out like a snuffed candle, not making it past the inhibitor.
Air Raid shared a quick concerned look with the royal blue stallion, “Darkie, it's no trouble…”
“We said…” Darkstar muttered dangerously before stomping both forehooves in a violent flash of temper. “Sisi. Tunaweza. Kusimamia!” She had her white furred muzzle pulled back in a snarl as she screamed, her bright yellow magic surging past the inhibitor, creating her old illusion of her voice sounding at a pony’s ear, this time it appeared at both Air Raid’s and Brightstar’s at once, stunning them both with her sudden vehemence. “We. Can. Do. It…” she gasped, all at once considerably calmer as she lifted her plate in her weakened magic.
For a few long, quiet moments neither of the other two ponies made a sound, they were hesitant to even breathe. Presently Brightstar released the breath he hadn’t realised he had been holding. “You have come a long ways with your magic, you um…you think you can take a second?”
Darkstar shot her brother a scathing look, “Of course we can.”
“I know you can, sis.” Brightstar forced a smile as he finished the last bite and left the fork off of his plate.
Struggling to levitate over the second empty plate, Darkstar floated it to her own she stacked them together. Squeezing her eyes together and shaking with effort she lifted the plates in her fluttering yellow aura and trotted to the kitchen as Air Raid finished her last mouthful, and shared a meaningful look with Brightstar.
Brightstar looked back at her and over at the closed kitchen door with a shrug. “Her magic is coming back and that is a level five inhibitor she is wearing.”
Air Raid averted her grey eyes with a deep sigh. “Bright…I’m…I'm really worried, Bright,” she groaned, while in the kitchen Darkstar despondently set the dishes in the sink.
“I'm worried too, but we need to give her time,” the stallion agreed. “I hope you understand, but I'm happy she’s here with you.”
“Bright, of course I understand, like I said, I'm grateful for the company,” Air Raid admitted, still looking away from her friend. “Since…since Wily it's been too quiet here on my own.”
Darkstar shook as she rested her head against the kitchen cupboard door, tears in her eyes. ‘I was right…they don't want us...I told you…’
“She will be safer here with you,” the unicorn asserted as he used his magic to float all the cutlery on top of Air Raid’s plate. He knew he was more or less signing over his sister to his friend, but he really didn’t know what else to do. He cast his gaze around the seldom used dining room, searching for inspiration from the hardwood wall panels or the deep red carpet. Nothing sprang to his aid. “I know Moonbeak would welcome her in Fillydelphia, but it is a strange city for her, Raid.”
Air Raid caught his meaning at once, and her empathy for him shot up a million degrees. “And, you have little Athena and Zephyr to think about.” The lime green mare gestured with a hoof to her friend. “You've seen just how easy it is to set her off, with it just being you and me.”
Crying now with her eyes open Darkstar shuddered as the tears rolled down her white cheeks. “Of course they don't want us...nopony wants us...” she gasped out in between each wet sob. ‘They don’t listen to us…they don’t believe us…they don’t care, they just want us quiet so we don’t upset them.’ As the poisonous little voice whispered in her head her hoof came to rest on a kitchen drawer, the one in which Air Raid kept her knives. Pulling it open she saw the long, sharp, stainless steel blade of the carving knife glinting up at her. “We're just…a burden…” she cried through her tears of despair.
Brightstar nodded eagerly. “We would of course figure out something if we had to, but this is the best solution for her.”
Air Raid smiled over at her friend, “You know I'll look after her hun.”
“We...we're just a burden...” sighing deeply Darkstar channelled what little power she still had and lit her horn, lifting the knife in her unstable magical field. “Bright doesn't want us...we're crazy...we're mad...yes we are…” with that desolate, empty thought in her head the white unicorn reared up to her hind legs to place both of her forelegs on the black marble-topped work surface in the kitchen and rested the blade against the backs of her forehooves.
“Hun...she'll be safe here, and you know you can visit whenever,” Air Raid said reassuringly, then burst into giggles. “I'll even tidy up for you first.”
“We aren’t a burden…” Darkstar sighed as she slowly, very slowly, drew the knife in a long deep cut over both of her fetlocks. “Sshhh…it's the best way, Darkie, it’s done now.”
“I hear what you're saying, Raid, but you have a life too,” Brightstar smiled, “take her to the track, and if you need bits we can send you some.”
Air Raid laughed out loud, “Take her? She can sit next to me on the hill run.”
“Aaaah...” Darkstar sighed with pleasure as she stood, almost mesmerized, watched the crimson blood start to flow from the long clean cut she had just made across her forelegs. “See Darkie? Doesn't that feel better? Y-Yes...do it again…” she encouraged herself as she struggled to pick up the blood-stained knife in her magic and slashed her fetlocks once more.
Brightstar joined his friend in her laugh, both ponies in the dining room blissfully oblivious to the drama unfolding in the kitchen. “I think she'd like that, zipping around the track with some crazy mare.” He chuckled at Air Raid’s pout, “Might put Slingshot out of a job.”
Air Raid snorted out a laugh, “It might stop him being such a thorough ass though.”
“MMmmm....so much better…” Darkstar sighed, dropping the knife with a loud metallic clatter as she slumped to the tiled floor.
“Hey…” Air Raid’s laugh died suddenly on her lips, to be replaced by a look of deep concern, “is it me...or has she been gone a while?”
The closed kitchen door did absolutely nothing to muffle the loud, resounding clatter of the knife as it impacted the ceramic tiles of the kitchen.
Brightstar’s eyes went wide with panic. “Darkie!” Without thinking he immediately teleported to the kitchen, and a split second later Air Raid heard a panicked, “Ghaaa! Raid! There’s so much blood!”
“What?” Air Raid leapt up to her hooves and galloped through the door to the kitchen. “Darkie!”
Slumped and bleeding against the lower cabinet door Darkstar looked up at her brother dancing on his hooves in an utter panic, and at Air Raid’s stunned expression with a tired smile. “Sisi ni...si mzigo…”
“Raid…do something!” Brightstar shouted, now in a full panic.
Quickly sizing up the situation, ignoring the stallion for the moment Air Raid knelt in the growing pool of blood by the fallen unicorn and stroked her grey mane from in front of her eyes. “Bright, those towels, bring them over,” she instructed clearly and calmly, pointing with her wing to indicate the ones she meant. “I'll hold them tight on her, quick!”
With Air Raid knelt in front of her Darkstar muttered, “Sisi kupumzika sasa...” her yellow eyes began to droop, growing too heavy for her to keep open.
“Darkie no!” Air Raid yelled, her own panic threatening to take her. “Stay awake!”
Brightstar meanwhile, still prancing in a panicked dance that would, under any other happenstance be funny, was frantically trying to find the towels the green mare had asked for. “What towels!?”
Air Raid didn’t look up. She didn’t take her eyes away from the white mare, not once. “The tea towels, there, to the left of the stove!” She pointed again with her wing to the two cream towels. “Now!”
“What do I do?” Brightstar yelped as he finally grabbed the requested towels in his magic. “Raid, what do I do?”
Focused on the bleeding white unicorn Air Raid used her wings to hold Darkstar's cut forelegs above her head to hinder her circulation, slowing down the flow of blood. “Wrap one each around each leg, over the cuts, tight!”
‘So much blood!’ Obediently Brightstar used his magic to wrap the towels and help the pegasus support his sister’s legs. ‘So much blood…’ he tried without success to put the scene from his mind and detach…but there was so much blood…he wobbled, unsteady.
Satisfied her friend was, for the moment, in no immediate threat with the towels magically tied tight around her fetlocks, Air Raid at last chanced a glance over at her brother and saw him unsteady, “HEY! Snap out of it!” Noting the faint tinge of red already on the towels, she started to feel the panic. “Nine one one, now!”
Acting as if in a daze Brightstar released his hold on his sister’s raised legs and used his magic to float over his phone to him. “R-Raid…is she going to be okay?” he asked, a mix of fear and confusion in his voice as he dialled the emergency services.
“Sure!” Air Raid found the lie came remarkably easy to her lips as she knelt in her seldom-used kitchen, her lime green knees stained crimson with her friend’s blood, holding her legs up in the air. “Just get on that ambulance, we got this, right?”
Unsupported Darkstar’s head slumped forward so her chin rested on her chest as a tiny little trickle of red seeped from under the towel on her left leg. “Let...us...go…” she was so faint she practically exhaled the words.
“Help! Ahh, my sister is bleeding! Ahh, oh…” Brightstar flustered into his phone, almost giving in to his building hysteria as he hurriedly gave the operator Air Raid’s address – he had to try twice, the first time he gave them his Fillydelphia address – in the Upper Residential District. “Hurry!” he pleaded desperately. “Oh…oh I don't know…” to Air Raid he asked, “Is…she breathing?”
“Yep!” Air Raid called out, “She's still here, both of the crazy bitches!”
“We want…” Darkstar gasped as again her yellow eyes drooped to below half open, “Sleep...”
“NO!” Air Raid screamed, bringing her left hoof across her muzzle in a hard slap.
“Yes! I don't know, there is blood everywhere…” utterly distraught Brightstar slumped to the tiled kitchen floor, his fluttering aura barely able to hold his phone to his ear. “Please hurry, I can't lose her again.” The operator hung up, but still he held his phone up to his ear.
“How long?” For a long few minutes the stallion didn’t answer, prompting Air Raid to yell out, “Bright! How long‽!?” Brightstar held on to his phone, staring off at something that wasn’t there, looking anywhere other than at his stricken sister. He didn’t answer, his mind wanting very dearly to shut down and pretend this nightmare was just that, and that he was still asleep in his chosen room at Air Raid’s house. “Brightstar!” she screamed the question this time as she squeezed the towels harder,. “How. Bucking. Long?”
Recovering slightly Brightstar’s yellow eyes managed to focus on the lime green mare. “Soon…she said soon.”
Air Raid was about to chew out her friend for being so utterly and completely useless, wondering briefly if things would’ve gone differently had Moonbeak been here to command and direct him, better than she herself had done, when the sound of distant sirens reached her ears. Sighing with relief that professional help was almost here the lime green pegasus bit back the scathing comment she had been about to unleash, “Bright, go out there and guide them in, 'kay?” she directed clearly, pointing to her door for emphasis.
Giving his friend an unsteady look, as if he’d just been pole-axed, Brightstar shook his head, trying to clear whatever fog was there. “I…I can do that…” With a considerable amount of effort he heaved himself to his hooves and walked out of the upmarket apartment with the enthusiasm of one walking to his execution.
‘Luna dammit!’ Air Raid thought as she turned back to Darkstar with an angry snarl. “Damn you Darkstar! What in the name of Tartarus were you thinking?” she spat, seriously fighting the urge to add a black eye to her friend’s current injuries. After seven months of sitting by her bedside, praying for her to wake up, renting the next bed to her for over two hundred days that had cost her over one hundred and five thousand bits, Air Raid was determined she wasn’t going to die here on her kitchen floor. “Darkstar!” she yelled in her face, roughly shaking her.
Jerking her eyes open Darkstar looked through the lime green mare rather than at her. “There's no light...they always say there's a light…”
“Record, Record.” There, now that’s stopped. I really can’t remember what happened next, I was passed out, you see. I remember what happened after I woke up. Brightstar, loving brother, ran back home to Fillydelphia. He didn’t even stick around to see me wake up. As for me, I was taken to Ponyville and assessed by Doctor Ruby Tuesday. After that, Air Raid employed Nurse Jewel Joy to look after me…
Oh no.
Nurse Joy…
I really couldn’t help it. Please understand. I couldn’t help it. I’d needed to pee for two days! Thinking of her…well, my bladder gave up. It had held on for two whole days, so really, I couldn’t shout at it, could I? My abdomen just hurt so damn much! It started as a trickle, and I really, really tried to hold on. I really did. But…once it started, well, that was it, wasn’t it?
I pissed like a pony who hadn’t taken a piss in two days. It seemed endless. I couldn’t see it, of course. Even if the lights had been turned on, I couldn’t see it, not with the padded straps on the bed holding me down like they were. I heard it and felt it though. A steaming, hot river of pee flowing out between my spread open thighs. I could feel it spattering all over my hind legs, pooling on the mattress under my ass. I imagined it staining my white fur bright yellow.
It felt wonderful to release it all, it really did. I sighed in utter relief as all the pain and cramps disappeared, as if by magic. I almost cried, it was so wonderful.
At least, it was until the door to my room was thrust open, revealing a triumphantly smirking Jewel Joy standing in the lit doorway, framed and silhouetted by the bright light washing in from the hall. “You weren’t given permission,” was all she said to me.
I apologised. I cried. I begged. All this I did while Darkie laughed in my head, the puddle of pee grew cold under me and she came closer. Menacingly closer.
“You filthy unicorn!” she shrieked in my face. “You useless piss-soaked bitch!” I tried to turn my head away, to look the other way, but she is an earth pony, and stronger than me, even if I wasn’t strapped down. Jewel Joy held my chin in her forehoof, forcing me to look at her. “I’ll have to clean you now, you disgusting mad freak,” she grumbled as she unstrapped the hoof cuffs from the strap across my chest and clipped them together with a six inch chain before removing the straps over my chest and my thighs.
“If I had my way I’d leave you to rot in your stinking puddle!” she spat in my face. Figuratively and literally. I just laid there, too weak and too scared to move.
"I can't though, can I?" Jewel Joy grumbled more to herself than to me. She had by now released the hoof cuffs around my hind hooves from the straps holding them down to the bed. “If you have sores all over you, then she’ll know, even though Celestia knows that Air Raid’s almost as dumb a bitch as you are.”
I protested at this. Even as she clipped the cuffs around my hooves together. She could insult me, but I wasn’t having her having a go at my friend. Jewel Joy just laughed at me and ordered me to shut up.
“Don’t worry though,” she nastily laughed at me as she hoisted me up and draped me over her back, “Nurse Joy’s been preparing a bath for you all day long!”
A bath? I didn’t dare believe it! A bath…well, perhaps I’d misjudged her. Darkie however warned me quietly not to get my hopes up. Well, duh I knew that, but come on! She was giving me a bath! Baths were awesome, even if I was hoofcuffed. Why was I hoofcuffed again?
When we got into Air Raid’s spacious bathroom I realised just why I was hoofcuffed.
I also realised why it had taken her all day to prep the bath for me.
The large bath toward which I was being carried was three-quarters full and it was packed with countless ice cubes, all bobbing about innocently on the surface of the water. Immediately my yellow eyes went wide and I tried ineffectively to struggle off of the nurse’s back.
I begged and pleaded as she slowly walked up alongside the waiting ice bath.
How can something inanimate look so evil, anyway?
Again, I begged and pleaded with Nurse Joy. Again, she didn’t listen. “Dirty bitches need to get clean.” With that, she shifted her body weight and I rolled helplessly into the freezing ice cold water, splashing it about as I resurfaced.
My screams lasted a good ten minutes.
Nurse Joy just stood there, watching until I stopped. All the time she held that nasty smile. “I think thirty minutes should be enough to replace the mattress sheet, don’t you?”
Thirty minutes! Already I couldn’t feel my hind hooves and my teeth were chattering.
“Yes…thirty minutes…” Jewel Joy laughed at the look of shock on my face then, she tied a blindfold tight over my eyes. “That’s to put you off trying to get out before I let you out.” I heard her hoof steps disappear away, leaving me stuck and shivering in the freezing water. As I shivered, colder than I had been in forever, I just hoped Air Raid would come home soon.
Darkstar took a deep breath. Eyes closed, she could smell the fresh slightly damp grass under her hooves, she could smell the fragrance of the wild flowers that grew all around her. The midday sun beat down, though as it was late spring, it wasn’t too hot. Then again, nor was it too cold.
In spite of herself, and her outwardly calm demeanour, Darkstar shivered. She hated the cold. The pure white unicorn hated everything about the cold. The cool breeze blew through her grey mane and made her shiver for a second time. It wasn’t the wind’s fault. She just hated the cold.
“We never used to,” she said out loud, talking to the empty air, for there was nopony else there but her. She however knew differently. She was never truly alone, Darkie lived in her head, her alter ego, always there, always taunting her, always hurting her.
“We’ve hated the cold ever since we were attacked, idiot!” Darkie spat back at her meeker self, her voice changing, her closed yellow eyes scrunching up tight as her other persona came to the fore. “You know why we hate the cold!”
“Of course we know.” Darkstar whimpered, her voice changing yet again, the brash cocky tone disappearing like morning mist into the fresh crisp sky. “I want to forget, but you won’t let me, will you? You make me relive it every day…” She trailed off to silence, standing where she was, her eyes closed. Breathing in through her nose she could feel the panic rising in her body, the familiar fear, the terror that had been her assault.
Again, she relived it, every waking second of it. How the three stallions had drugged her four years ago, how they had followed her until she had collapsed on the sidewalk in Canterlot. Darkstar could see in her mind’s eye their leader as she had been forcefully thrown into the back of his van. She had been sick, she was sure, from the nauseating effects of the drugs in her system.
She had tried to fight back, of course, but debilitated as she was it was a token gesture, not that she was the most capable of battle Mage at the best of times. She had tried to escape, she had cast her invisibility spell. It had all been for naught. He had cast his own spell.
“Uugh…” Darkstar shivered ever more violently now, and it was nothing to do with the breeze. If she concentrated really hard, she could feel the enchanted cold seeping into her body, the magical cold front permeating to her very core. He had overpowered her as easily as if she had been a new-born filly. Once the inhibitor ring had been wedged on her horn, she had known, even in her drugged state, there was no hope left.
“I hate the cold.” She said to the empty sky. “We hate the cold!”
Presently though, after what was just a few minutes, Darkstar opened her yellow eyes. The vista that stretched before her really was beautiful. Wild, unkempt grass grew almost the whole way up her legs, except at the very edge, where she was stood. Behind her, there were trees. Bare trees just starting to regrow their leaves after winter. She breathed in again, deeper this time. The woods – and all of Equestria, for that matter – was in a state of rebirth and renewal.
“All except us…” Darkstar muttered sadly. “We don’t renew. We don’t regrow. Everything moves on, except us.”
“Because we can’t!” Darkie screamed, stamping her left forehoof into the grass, crushing the sharp blades beneath the sole of her hoof.
“You won’t let us, Darkie.” Darkstar whispered.
“That’s why we’re here.” Darkie replied, her temper rising at her perceived weaker self. Here, incidentally, was Ghastly Gorge. Specifically, the edge of Ghastly Gorge.
Darkstar looked down, over the edge into the four hundred metre deep yawning chasm before her. She couldn’t see the bottom, thanks to a low lying mist that obscured it. She knew however, from past school trips, that the bottom was littered with very sharp, very pointy, very lethal, boulders and rocks. “Why did you bring us here, Darkie?” She added tentatively, though of course she already knew the answer.
“You know why.” She answered sharply, as pointedly as the boulders that were certainly below her. “It’s time, Darkstar. It’s time to end it. Even you can’t mess this up. All you have to do is walk forwards two steps.” Then, the white unicorn’s voice took on a taunting, mocking tone. “You don’t even have to jump this time…”
"Why though?” Darkstar asked herself simply, her voice as soft as the gentle breeze that blew through her grey mane. Had anypony been stood next to her, they wouldn’t have heard her question, her voice was so soft. She heard it though.
Darkie heard it. She took a step closer to the edge of the gorge. The toes of her forehooves were over the edge. All it would take was a step forwards. Little tiny specks of rocks fell from the edge of the cliff due to her movement. All she had to do was take one more step.
“Why can’t I move?”
Darkstar actually laughed at the foalish question that her inner persona asked. “You know why, Darkie.”
“I want to jump!”
“No, you don’t.” Darkstar took a step backwards from the edge of the gorge, though she was still stood perilously close. If the wind was any stronger, it would blow her over the edge, taking the decision out of her hooves.
“I want to die!”
“No, you don’t.” Darkstar reiterated. “You don’t want to die any more than I want to live…”
“What in Tartarus do you know?” she spat back at herself, scuffing her white hoof into the dirt until the rocky ground began to hurt her toe and the whitewall. Not that she cared about that in the least.
“It’s obvious, isn’t it?” asked Darkstar with a thin, humourless smile.
“What is?”
“You don’t really want to kill us, do you, Darkie?”
“Shut up!” Darkie snarled, taking a sudden step forward towards the edge of Ghastly Gorge, this time a whole load of loose rocks and stones were sent cascading over the edge, to be lost in the misty depths below. “I’ll jump! I’ll kill us!”
“No, you won’t.”
“Oh?” Darkie scoffed derisively, “And what makes you so sure of that, Darkstar?”
“Because there’s nopony here to stop us…”
“Wh-What…what d-do you mean?” Now, for once, there was a hint of fear in Darkie’s cocky, self-assured tone. Almost like a young filly who had been caught out in stealing cookies from the jar.
For a long time – it might not have actually been a long time, but that’s how it felt to her – Darkstar didn’t answer herself. Her yellow eyes were focussed on the swirling mists in the gorge. Far away, she could hear the sounds of snapping jaws and screeching hisses. She assumed, rightly, that the quarray eels were fighting over some hapless prey that had either wandered in, flown in or fell into the gorge’s depths.
Briefly, she imagined jumping, falling to her death. Idly she wondered which would come first. Death from the fall, death from impact with the ground or maybe, they would be snapped up by a hungry eel. She wondered if it would hurt, hitting the ground. “Surely it won’t hurt more than being eaten by a quarray eel…” she wondered to herself. That earned another shiver. She recalled biology from school. “A jaw big enough that four ponies can stand up right inside, razor sharp teeth bigger than our head…no, I don’t suppose it would take an eel long to eat us…”
“Stop stalling!” Darkie snarled, “Tell me what you meant, ‘because there’s nopony here to stop us’, tell me!”
“Because…” and she paused, taking a deep breath before she continued, “Don’t you see?” she smiled then, the pure white mare seeing everything quite clearly, for once, thanks in no small part to Ruby Tuesday’s therapy sessions. “You say you want to die, that you want to hurt us, that you want to kill us, but…every suicide attempt you’ve ever done has been half-hearted, hasn’t it?”
“Half-hearted?” Darkie was wary now, not sure where Darkstar was going with this. Still, she didn’t step back from the edge. Surely, all she had to do was step forwards. Lean forwards even. They were so close their weight would do it. Still, she stood quite still.
“Yes. Half-hearted.” Darkstar’s soft voice grew in confidence as she spoke, recalling for once, her long time therapist’s lessons in Ponyville. “Every time you’ve you’ve tried to kill yourself, to kill us, it’s always been where there are ponies who can stop you. You’ve always made sure there’s a safety net. Every time.”
“That’s not true!”
“Yes it is.”
“That’s…That’s not…it’s not…” Darkie tried to protest, to argue against what Darkstar was saying to her, but, ultimately she couldn’t. Deep down, she knew her meeker persona was right in what she said. “Shut up!”
Darkstar took another deep breath to steady herself. She had been expecting this response from herself to her own argument. Doctor Ruby had told her over the four years to be strong in the face of Darkie’s outbursts. She had to stand up to herself, to not be so much of a doormat. “It’s true! Darkie it’s true! You have to see!”
“It’s not…it’s not…”
“Yes! Yes it is!”
“Okay.” Darkie’s voice went quiet. She stopped shouting at the chasm before her and, panting hard, she at last stepped back. “If that’s the case, prove it. Give me an example.”
Darkstar smiled. In their sessions, Doctor Ruby had said Darkie would do this. She was ready. For the first time since she had arrived at Ghastly Gorge, the pure white mare sat down on the long wild grass. Still, that said, she saw no reason not to tease herself, just a little bit. “Okay, example number one. We ate all that cabbage one night and they you locked us in the bathroom and farted. But! You had left the window open so we didn't die.”
Darkie couldn’t help it. She laughed out loud, even in spite of her previous outburst of temper. Poised at the very edge of the gorge, she laughed. “In my defence, Air Raid cooked that night. I thought it would kill us!”
Darkstar nodded thoughtfully as, for once, she lifted her head up and actually looked at the clear blue sky, only dotted here and there with the odd cloud. “That was perhaps your most serious attempt at suicide, Darkie, willingly eating Air Raid’s cooking.” She laughed then, joining in with her other self in her mirth. “There aren’t even words to describe how bad we smelled after that night. Air Raid even invented ‘stinkerific’, just for us.”
“Hmhmm…” Darkie agreed, “We did smell like a Yak’s butt, didn’t we?” Presently, after a few minutes, Darkie stopped laughing though and turned her yellow eyes back to the deep gorge in front of her. “What about that time with the book?” she asked. As a counter argument it was admittedly weak, but Darkstar’s joke had caught her unawares.
“The book?” Darkstar replied, suddenly unsure.
“The one we borrowed. From the Princess. The one we kept,” Darkie answered smugly.
“Oh, yeah, I don’t know how you convinced me that Princess Twilight kills ponies with overdue library books. She just teleports them back to the library.” Darkstar shook her head, “Pitiful.”
“I was sure that would have worked,” mumbled Darkie in her head.
“Maybe if you had burnt the book,” Darkstar countered, again, she thought back to the four years of therapy with Ruby Tuesday. “Maybe if you broke into the Canterlot Royal Library and burned every single book, then danced in the ashes, then maybe Princess Twilight would’ve banished us to the depths of Tartarus.”
All the humour left Darkie’s voice when she replied, “I’m already there…”
Darkstar stamped on this immediately. She knew from her sessions that if she allowed Darkie to wallow too much down this route, she’d be back in her special padded room in Air Raid’s house faster than she could sneeze. “Alright,” she said in a serious, determined tone that got Darkie’s attention, “The very first time we cut our fetlocks.”
“Good times…that almost worked…”
“Horseapples!” Darkstar snapped harshly, well, harsh for her at any rate. “You did it in Air Raid’s kitchen, with Air Raid and my brother in the very next room, for Luna’s sake!”
“He’s my brother too,” Darkie replied petulantly, pointedly avoiding the very good point that her other self had made. Because she was right, wasn’t she? “Well, alright then, oh! Wait! What about all the other times, huh? Answer me that.” She stomped her hoof into the wild crushed grass, as if she had made an unbeatable point.
To Darkie’s surprise, Darkstar just laughed. “You actually sleep during our sessions with Doctor Ruby, don’t you?”
“I…I don’t care what that mud-pusher has to say, as long as she lets me play with my knife.”
“You shouldn’t call her that…”
“Why not?” Darkie snickered harshly, “It worked on those earth ponies in Trixie’s Place, didn’t it?”
“You know full well it did,” Darkstar replied. She easily recalled the events of that fateful night, oh…three and a half years ago now. Not long after she had been released from the hospital following her first suicide attempt, Ruby Tuesday had recommended to Air Raid that she take Darkstar out, have some fun, do what they’d normally do. Be normal.
‘Look where that got us,’ she thought sadly. Where it had got them, was Air Raid bringing along her marefriend at the time, an overweight mare called Appleglow who worked as a receptionist at the Crystal Castle of Friendship. As a result, Air Raid’s attention hadn’t been on her. Unsupervised, Darkie, firmly in control, had spotted a group of eight earth ponies. Four stallions out on a date with four mares. She had spent the evening flirting outrageously with the stallions. While she had been ignored at first, when she had lifted her grey tail and presented herself, that was when the four mares finally took exception.
“Aww…c’mon Darkstar,” Darkie taunted, “That had been fun, showing off like that.”
“Was it fun afterwards?” Darkstar asked acidly. “Was it fun when four large, heavily built and very strong – not to mention pissed off – earth pony mares beat the living tar out of us?”
“So? My plan was to get beaten to death. It almost worked…” it had, too. As a result of her actions, she had suffered several broken ribs, a broken nose, fractured collar bone and a broken leg. Earth ponies could hit. Really hard.
“No!” Darkstar exclaimed, stomping her hoof into the crushed grass. “No, it wouldn’t! Maybe if the fight was outside in an alley, or the street, maybe. You started it in a place where you knew full well there was security and first aid facilities. Like I said, it was a half-hearted attempt.”
“But…but…well…” Darkie wanted to argue, but again, it was hard when her other self was right. “Shut up!” she snarled, “What about the train lines, huh? That attempt was rock solid!”
“Oh please, really?” Darkstar snorted derisively. “Don’t make me laugh! You laid on the train tracks hoping the Friendship Express would run over us!”
“It-It…it was a good plan,” Darkie stammered defensively, knowing what was coming.
“Oh yes, it was a good plan, alright. Right up to the point where the enchanted cow catcher on the front of the train pushed us safely off the line until we were twenty feet away.” Darkstar smiled, though there was no victory in her voice.
“I…forgot, about that, okay‽” Darkie retorted. And she had, in truth. Had she been thinking straight, she would have remembered that since there had been a few well-publicised, and fatal, derailments due to fallen tree branches and other obstacles, all the Friendship Express engines bore enchanted cow catchers now, and had done for over ten years.
“And, your follow up idea was just as bad, admit it!”
“What? I tried jumping in front of the train!”
“Uh huh.” Darkstar’s sarcastic tone said it all. “What you mean is, you galloped onto Canterlot Train station, at midday, surrounded by several trained unicorn guards and jumped in front of the arriving Express.”
“Yes!”
“And what happened?”
“Sh-Shut up!”
“What happened?”
“Two guards and a conductor who was on his break caught us in their magic and held us safe and sound until Air Raid could come and get us.”
“Exactly my point.” Darkstar said in a tone that said ‘that was that’. “Half hearted, again. Again and again, you try and you try, but every time, you stop just short, didn’t you? You come so close, you could go all the way, but you don’t. Every time. I could go on, you know; there was the med overdose, starting Raid’s car in the garage, the gas oven, the hanging-”
“I hate you.” Darkie interrupted herself, cutting Darkstar off before she could mention the utter disasters that had been the attempts to kill herself by jumping off of Air Raid’s roof. Even she had to admit those had been weak. Being just a one storey villa, Air Raid’s house wasn’t really high enough to do more than break a bone or two.
Not that she hadn’t tried. One attempt had her landing in a rose bush underneath her window that Air Raid had planted the day before to cheer her up, and the other, well, the window had closed on her way out, trapping her tail and leaving her hanging on the outside of the house for an hour.
“I know.” Sat on the grass, Darkstar hugged her forelegs around her barrel, hugging herself as tightly as she could. Not too tightly though, a couple of her ribs were still a little tender. “Darkie, I love you.” She couldn’t believe she had said that. Not out loud, anyway.
“What? Why?” Darkie asked cautiously, she couldn’t believe she had heard that, either.
“You hate me for being weak, you hate me because you know you need me. You can't live without me.”
Darkie didn’t know what to think. They hadn’t spoken honestly like this since she had been created four years ago. She took a very deep breath, very, very grateful that Darkstar was hugging her like she was. Or was she hugging her? She didn’t really know. Did it matter? “I...I don't want to die, Darkstar.”
“I know, Darkie. That's why you won't let me, us, die.”
“What?”
“I know the truth of you.” Smiling, the pure white unicorn thrust herself up from her seated position to stand upright on her hind legs. She took one fluid step forwards, the dancer in her allowing her to move as easily and naturally on two legs as most ponies moved on four. Smiling a wide smile as the gentle breeze lifted her grey mane, she began to dance a ballet along the very edge of the gorge.
“Careful...you'll fall!” Darkie squeaked before she could stop herself.
“You won't let me fall. You won't let us fall.” Darkstar replied to herself, unable to keep the sheer smugness out of her voice. Silently she offered up a ‘thank you’ to Doctor Ruby, and, as she leapt and twirled along the edge of Ghastly Gorge, she made a mental note to buy her a bunch of lilies for their next session.
“Shut up!”
“You know the truth, Darkie.”
“Sh-Shut up!” she screamed as she danced. Darkstar had closed her eyes, and Darkie didn’t open them. They danced together in that moment in time. For once, they moved together as if they were one being. They moved together, danced together and lived, in that one perfect moment, together. They danced like they were on a stage and the whole world was watching. Even though their eyes were closed, there was no danger at all that they would fall.
Pirouetting now, so close to the edge that her trailing hind leg was actually over the four hundred foot drop, Darkstar fired her broadside into H.M.S Darkie. “You don't want to die any more than I want to live, do you, my love?”
“Yes! You’re right! Okay‽” Darkie squealed, real fear in her voice now she had been forced to admit it, to confess and to open up to herself. Now the cat was out of all the bags, she wanted to be as far from the edge of the cliff, as far away from Ghastly Gorge and its quarray eels as equinely possible. “Please! Stop it! Stop dancing! Stop it!”
“See?” Darkstar asked herself rhetorically as she stopped her dance and sat down, several large paces away from the edge.
“But...” Darkie cocked her head to one side, confusion rife in her mind now she was sat down. Honestly? She was still processing what she had told herself. “Y-You don't love me!” she cried, tears welling up in her yellow eyes now the dam of truth had been burst open. “You shut me up with those drugs!” she lifted her hoof and ran her frog along the enchanted silver ring that was sealed around what was left of her horn. She could feel the arcane runes inscribed on its surface. “You hem me in with this damned inhibitor...”
Darkstar smiled, once more she hugged herself tightly with her forelegs. “Of course I love you, Darkie. You're me. You’ve always been a part of me, even before you were you. I need you, Darkie.”
Darkie cried. She never, ever cried, but she cried. Hot wet salty tears flooded from her eyes and dripped down her cheeks. She cried like she had never cried before. She cried like she’d never cry again. Which was stupid, because she never cried. Ever. “I need you!”
Darkstar tightened her hug upon herself, not even wincing at her ribs. She knew she needed a cuddle, and who better to give it than herself? “I…Darkie I love you, even though you hurt me.”
“You ignore me!” Darkie cried like a wounded foal. She hated being ignored more than anything. Ponies kept saying that Darkstar had to get better, that she had to heal, but all these ponies wanted was for her to go away. “I don’t want to go away!” she screamed, tears dripping onto the grass. “I want to live! I’m here too! I hurt you just to hear you screaming my name!”
Darkstar realised then the injustice she had committed with herself. All Darkie wanted was to live. To be noticed. That was why all the suicide attempts had been failures. They were cries for attention, for acknowledgement. She just wanted to live. Was that so wrong? “Da-Darkie…I-I'm...sorry.”
The simple gesture wasn’t much, as she wiped her eyes dry on the back of her hoof, but it was a gesture nonetheless.
“I know,” Darkie replied a few long minutes later. She appreciated Darkstar drying her eyes. It was a gesture, and it was a start. That was all she wanted, to be loved. With a smile on her face, Darkie got up and turned her back on the gorge. She set off back towards Ponyville, walking at a steady pace through the trees. “I'm you, remember?”
As she trotted along, the sun seemed warmer, the birds in the trees sang louder and more melodious. Even the grass seemed greener and the sky bluer. All told, it was a nice day.
