Original/Placeholder Title: 'Concept.'
Rating: ???
Series, if applicable: Dark Horse. Kinda.
Characters: Rarity, Twilight Sparkle.
Planned Tags: ???
I have this writing technique that's frequently driven some of my pre-readers bananas. Basically, I write a 'sketch' to see how viable a story concept, scene or character. To test out how viable they'll be after hours and hours of effort, for a fraction of the work.
Basically? I'm such a huge dork, I'll write dialogue only chat role-plays with myself. 
Not even kidding, and it basically goes like this:
EXAMPLE 1: "Quick, EXAMPLE 2! To the Interobang Cave!"
*Slides down hidden, not at all homoerotic, firefighters pole concealed in a closet.*
EXAMPLE 2: "Jeepers, EXAMPLE 1! What dastardly deeds must we twart today?!"
EX 1: "The Alice-In-Wonderland Reference Man is painting all the cities roses red, Question Mark Boy!"
EX 2: "What a fiendishly floara-ish thing to do, Explanation Man!"
*Hammy acting intensifies with laughing along with a laugh track.*
Anyway, inherit silliness aside, it lets me get a 'litmus test' of quality in a way from the odd ideas that pop into my head. A title and an empty file named 'concept' in the folder? Probably not worth it.
If it gets as bloated and big as the below? Well~, I'd say that there's enough potential in the idea for a full story.
And such, is what happened with... Well, Dark Horse.
There were some big changes, though. Rarity instead of Fluttershy, no inner pony, and the initial idea took place sometime after Turn Coat instead of Skin Games. All tweaks I did myself after wetting the initial idea in this format.
Still, I hope this glimpse in what could have been will be intruiging for at least some of you. 
Crack-fic.
Dresden files plus Five Score.
Dresden, after an exhausting but mundane case, starts turning into Rarity. Hilarity ensues.
After Turn Coat.
Plot (Ha!) points.
* Mab comes knocking, clearly fuming. “I have come for… the final favor.”
“...Yes?”
“I want you to find the one responsible for… this, and kill that worthless creature until he dies.”
“...So, you are asking me, to go kill the person that stole my dick and masculinity?”
“Yes.”
“...Why?”
Mix of anger… and reluctance. “Because I had such plans for you… but you are far too quickly moving beyond my reach. It is… ironic, but to turn you into the instrument of my vengeance for that very slight, amuses me.”
“...”
“Of course, if you want another deal while there is still time…”
“What will you tell me?”
Big smile, “The waste of power’s Name is Discord; The God of Chaos. I argue you to amuse yourself with that knowledge.”
“...And you are giving me that, as a free-bee?”
Mab leaves, grinning like a cat.
“Fuck my life…”
Tomas and Murphy, ‘helping.’
Sugar-cubes, ‘nice horsey’ and crap like that.
Molly clearly rather heartbroken, but Dresden barely registering it as such.
D, “...Look, I’ll see if I can get a favor from McCoy.”
M, “...Why?”
D, “Look at me. ‘Thou shalt not transform another.’” Dejected. “Probably only a matter of time before… grass starts looking good.”
Hugz.
Harry discovers that if he channels magic through his horn…
He gets a fucked-up flashlight!
Harry is called to Edinburg.
Notices a decent amount of pastel all around. Small favors… at least this way, I won’t get thrown out with this as excuse…
Notices the heartbreaking thing.
People are actually nice to him.
Not in a good mood from that.
The whole thing boils down to: “We don’t have a clue, but we’re working on getting one.”
Meets a mare that seems really damn familiar. Ramirez has ended up as Pinkie. Mayor Mare.
“...So…”
R, “The hair?” Pulls, sproing. “Honestly, don’t have a clue why it does that. Damn annoying, though.”
H, “Yeah… Know what you mean. No idea why, but mine went nearly a meter long at the start, and wanted to go into a corkscrew of all things…”
R, tongue out, “At least you got two nice colors. I mean, come on. Pink and an even more horrible pink? On a beige coat?”
H, “...So, what butt-tattoo did you get?”
R, “Three balloons, of all damn things.” “A scroll. No idea why, but it’s pretty enough, I suppose…”
H, “Oh?”
R, “Hmm?”
H, “Three sapphires. Think there might actually be anything to that rule of three crap? Have to admit, that one I thought was just bullshit.”
R, “...Don’t think so, I’ve seen some really weird ones.”
H, “...?”
R, “Oh, fuck!” Smacks forehead. “I’m so, so sorry, dude, I was the one supposed to ask you. No wonder you kept not showing!”
H, “...What?”
R, big blush, “Well, you’ve noticed how… hot and sweaty it gets with fur and clothes?”
H, “I am not sure I like where this is going, Miss Hot-stuff.”
R, “Well, me an’ most of the junior wardens that got affected like this, we’ve… made a club, you can call it.”
H, “OK, this I got to hear.”
R, “Hey, it isn’t anything dirty! We just get together here once a while, take off all our clothes and try to have some fun!”
Beat.
R, beat red, “...That came out wrong.”
H, tired smile,.
R, “Look, look… it ain’t a party or anything, but we try to… you know, feel comfortable and have a few hours of normalcy. Drinks, some food, board games…” Tired sounding. “You know? Without getting starred or pointed at? Trying to pretend everything is pastel colored but normal?”
H, almost snarks, stop herself, “...Think I get it.”
R, deep blush, “Not that the no pants thing was easy to begin with, but…” Sigh, longing look. “Never thought I’d turn into a nudist, but… a few hours, of not having things pinched with every step? Or dripping sweat?”
H, barely keeps back wince, “Yeah… Have to admit, things got a bit better after I started tuning up my clothes, but still. Know what you mean.”
R, “...?”
H, “No idea why or how, but ever since this started?” Mimes thread and needle. “Think whoever did this to us might have rather sick humor, because for some reason my sewing skill has reached epic levels.”
R, “...Huh.”
H, “...?”
R, “No clue why here either, but… I’ve gotten really, really good at… baking.” Throws up arms. “Honestly, I used to burn water, but now? I made a freakin’ red velvet cake last week! My mom thought I’d bought it at the store even!”
H, “...Huh.” Scratches head. “Think the creep might be a misogynist?”
R, “Wouldn’t most of us have turned to stallions in that case?”
H, “...Ugh.”
R, big blush, and a smile.
H, “...What.”
R, scraping hoof, “...I got myself a… boyfriend.”
H, “...Err, congratulations?”
R, giggle, mane goes even puffier, “You know the old joke?” Whisper. “The legends are true.”
H, near crimson.
R, content sigh.
H, despite herself, “...Glad to hear it.” Flicker. “With all that crap with the red court it’s… nice. You know, to be here and actually have a conversation without them?”
R, frown, “Jinx, I guess.”
H, waves her off, “You know what I meant.” Cough. “I think I’m contractually obligated to ask if he’s cute.”
R, wiggles ears, “What, worried you’ll lose the girl-card?”
H, “Well, given that I already lost the man one, I’d rather not end up without a card at all.”
R, “Ugh, thank you for that mental picture.” Wink. “Wanna share him and become a real mare?”
H, splutters.
R, sigh.
H, “...Err, aren’t you worried about…” Hooves over stomach. “You know? Don’t think the pill has gotten a pony variant quite yet.”
R, without hint of regret, “Oh, I so don’t care. Minus hoping they’re healthy, of course.”
H, jaw to floor.
R, sweeps hoof around, “It’s the pastel end of the world as we know it, Harry. The way I see it, we live long enough for me to worry about becoming a dam? Then that’s a victory in my book.” Laugh that hangs in the air. “I know I’m probably crazy, but I just can’t find it in me to give a damn.”
H, flash to Anastasia, “...Think I get it.”
R, frown, “Oh… Sorry, I’d… forgotten about… Heard about Luccio.”
H, “...Has she…?”
R, shake, “Not last time I saw her, anyway.” Grimace. “Then again, three days isn’t much forewarning as far as curses go.” Girly giggle. “Not that I can quite bring myself to call it that anymore.”
H, “...So, who’s the lucky… stallion?” Chuckle. “Because you seem quite smitten, I have to admit.”
R, ruffles around, pic of Blue Blood.
H, frowns, “...Anybody I know? The dude seems really familiar, but I can’t place him.”
R, “Legend, perhaps?” Laugh. “Seriously though, a unicorn with a golden mane?” Content sigh. “Pretty as all heck, but not what I’d call original.”
H; “...Not a wizard, then?”
R, smile gets a bit more waxen, “...Local barista where I live, actually.” Smile falters slightly. “I think he believes me about the day-job, if you know what I mean, but…”
H, “Get it.”
R, “...No offence, Mr. Yellow-pages…”
H, “Hey, at least you’ve got a shot at somebody outside the not so normal normals range. Can’t say I’ve got any big regrets about it, but there’s a price to that honesty.”
R, mutters, but can't keep a straight face.
H, “...Wow, you’ve got it bad.”
R, grin, “Last night? I barely made it past the door.” leans in, whispers. “And stallions don’t have refractory periods!”
H, “...Huh?”
R, near perverse glee, “I’m dating an energizer bunny!” Hooves to cheeks. “One I’m fairly certain is larger than the proverbial horse!”
H, crimson.
R, hesitates, “...I’m going to be honest, Harry. I’m not certain… I’d actually change back, even if I could
H, “...Look, I’m going to regret this, I almost know it, but…”
R, “How Anna an’ I met?”
H, “Yup.”
R, chuckle, “Felt for a cappuccino, and the cutie behind the counter gave me his number. That’s it.”
H, “...”
R, “I went home, and just stared at that tiny slip of paper for who knows how long. But you know what clinched it?”
H, “...What?”
R, holds up hooves, “Noticed what I was holding that tiny slip with and it just…” Blush. “Sounds so petty, but… well, we know a bit more about forced transformations than the muggles, right?” Bittersweet smile. “...Being held in a pair of strong hooves of somebody that genuinely believes this will work out? I’ll admit it, I was tempted enough I caved.”
H, “...Well, good for you and the gentleman in question.” Pokes R in stomach. “You just make sure to get a ring around that… hoof, I guess. You know, given the circumstances?”
R, tomato.
R, realization, “...Oh God, I might actually do that. I might end up somebody’s wife.”
H, grimace.
R, “Fine, fine… switching subjects.” Thinks.
Interrupted by Ebenezer, “...Hosh?”
H, grimace, “...Yeah.” Weak smile. “So, like the new look?”
E, just stands there and stares.
H, “...Not that bad, I hope?”
E, extremely weak, forced smile, “...Normally I’d say it’s ludicrous, but you’ve made it work.”
H, flutters eyelashes, “It’s the bows woven into my darling little tail. They just act as the centerpiece for the whole thing!”
E, weak, but slightly better, “Ah, sarcasm. Truly, there is still hope.”
H, shows shaved tail, “Actually, I honestly feel a bit bad about that bit.” Tugs on mane. “Natural purple, so long it nearly dragged and still as smooth as silk.” Shrug. “Still, better to look like a shaved rat, than to get grabbed by the hair in the Never-Never.”
E, raises eyebrow.
R, giggles.
H, blush, “...Well, excuse me for finding ending up with a pretty tail a step up from the alternative, Sir..”
R, chokes, “Oh God, it really does fuck with your mind that badly!”
Other pony, “What?!”
R; “Harry just called somebody Sir!”
Ahhhhh!
E, “...”
H, “....You lot do remember who I was the apprentice of, right?”
Needle screech.
R, “...Oh, right.” Shuffling. “...Sorry, we’re… just worried.”
H, pats her on the shoulder, “I get it.” Looks at hoof. “Really, really get it.”
R, smile, “...The next meeting is tomorrow, ‘kay? No time, just… drop in, and try to have some fun.”
H, deadpan, “In the buff.”
R, snort, “Like you have anything to be ashamed if those two mountains are what I think they are, girl.”
H, big blush.
R. leans in, “Seriously though, Harry? If you’ve really gotten mad sewing skills, there’s quite a few who’d be really grateful for a few quick fittings. Might earn some serious clout if you show up with some cloth, if you know what I mean.”
E, frown, “I’m old, girl, not deaf. What’s this about skills from nowhere?”
H, “...Haven’t noticed anything else, but I’ve gotten… seriously creepy levels of too good with needle and thread.”
Beat as everybody stares.
H, “I swear I’m not making that up.”
E, hesitates, throws H a torn work-glove.
H, wrinkles nose, “Was the added goat-crap really needed?”
E, chuckle, but there’s an edge to it, “Money where your mouth is, boy.”
H, shrug, shakes off the worst.
Shiny new sewing kit comes out, the glove is looking as new nearly faster than it took to take out.
H, throws E the glove.
E, quite clearly near stunned, “...Hosh? How in all things evil did you do that with hooves?”
H, shrug, “What can I say? A wizard did it.”
Groans.
H, shrug, “Not the right thread for it, but should hold long enough for a new pair or to fix it properly…” Raised voice. “And I’d be ever so grateful, if anypony else here comes forward as well if they’re suddenly an expert in a new skill…?”
Great shuffling of hooves.
Black pegasus, (Thunderlane), “...I’ve gotten much better at lightning magic. Used to be decent, but now I can make ‘em dance if I want.”
Quite a few jealous looks.
Thunderlane, “Hey, luck of the draw! Not my fault if i got a jackpot!” Angry. “You know, at the small cost that my mind might be rotting just the same as for all of us!”
Irritated mumbling.
Zebra, (Zecora) “A boost to my alchemy I’ve gotten…” Grimace. “But for some foul reason I’ve started rhyming all the time if I don’t watch what I’m saying.” Darkly, distracted. “Truly, a strange price to be paying…”
Unicorn, clearly trying to lighten the mood, (Sweetcream Scoops), “Gaze upon the mistress of ice-cream, and despair! Truly, I shall be the bane of all waistlines!” Slightly forced cackle.
Many facepalms.
H, frown, mutters, “...Well, could be worse, I suppose.”
E, frown, “...Let’s go to my office, Hosh.”
H, waves goodbye to R.
E, “...”
H, “...So, how’s Molly?”
E, “Good. A bit coddled, but nothing a few more weeks of farmwork won’t solve.”
H, flashback, “Heh. Yeah, that drags quite a few illusions out of you.”
E, “...You know she’s got a torch Lady Liberty would sag under for you?”
H, blank stare.
E, “Oh, Hosh…”
H, “Look, she tried to do the ‘learning under the master’ thing, but I popped that bubble day one.”
E, “Oh?”
H, “Bucket of ice-water, and everything.”
E, sigh, “And you think her heart is as easily cooled as her loins?” Arms folded. “Seriously, Hosh, I saw her in bed with a pic of the old you, bawling her eyes out. And from the looks of things, those weren’t the tears for an ill friend…”
H, hesitates, “...I’ll talk with her.”
E, nod, “You do that…”
Enters room.
H, jumps up in the couch with a sigh.
E, gives her funny look.
H, “...Look, do you have any idea how dehumanizing it feels to sit down on your haunches while in public?” Small wince. “Might be easier on the pride to keep standing, but it sure isn’t on the calves.”
E, carefull nod, “...Tea?”
H, “Yes, please.”
E, hesitates.
H, “I know I’m usually a coffee guy, but tea just sounds nice at the moment. OK?”
E, twitch, “...Sorry, it’s just…”
H, deep sigh, “I know, I know…” Darkly. “At least nobody seems in a hurry to test the whole alicorn and poison thing…”
E, dark chuckle.
H falls asleep.
E, pokes her in the side.
H, almost swipes her horn at him.
H, mortified, “...Sorry.”
E, “...I get it, lots of stress.” Cup. “Here.”
H, takes it.
E, “...OK, seriously, how are you doing that?”
H, shrug, “All I know is that it’s a bit too practical for me to give a damn about.” Shake of tail. “And, you know, it’s rather far down the ‘what the áctuall fuck?’ list at the moment.”
E, nod, sits down next to her.
silence.
E, “...How are you holding up?”
H, “...You know the worst bit? I’m getting used to it.” Silence. “...For the first few days I flinched every time I passed as much as a window… but now?” Tiny voice. “...It’s just… me, and than it takes a moment more for me to remember that it shouldn’t be. I’m honestly not certain what I’ll do when… I stop having that extra moment.”
Silence.
H, “...I’m used to just… batting my head against a crisis until it goes away. I mean, the last couple of years? utterly crazy.” Sip. “...But there’s no big baddie I can throw beams of fire against this time. It’s… oddly frustrating.”
E, “...And physically?”
H, blush, “In general, or the… mare, thing?”
E, “Anything you want to talk about.”
H, blush, “Not really, I think I’m actually handling that bit.” Chuckle. “Don’t think I’m going to follow in Rodrigez hoof-steps soon, but still.”
E, hum.
H, “She apparently decided on that the end is neigh, and went and got herself a compatible lover, if you know what I mean.”
E, small blush.
H, “Eh, whatever helps her sleep at night.” Grimace. “Think I’ll personally wait to try that pool until there are wet-suits my swimming partners size, if you follow.”
E, bigger blush.
H, tilts head, “...Or perhaps I’ll try the other end of the tracks, given the whole suddenly a girl thing. Honestly don’t know right now.”
E, bigger blush.
H, “...Wonder if I count as bestilatiy at the moment? I mean, in my head I’m still human, just a rather oddly shaped one…”
E, cough, near crimson.
H, “Oh, sorry, it’s just… Yeah.”
Silence.
H, “...Tried a mouthful of grass last week.”
E, near chokes on tea, “...Really?”
H, “...A bit tart, but not that bad, actually. Very chewy, though.” Waving hooves around. “Like… this stringy toffee that almost grows in your mouth as you chew?”
E, “...And what, exactly possessed you to do that?”
H, shrug, “Somebody cut the lawn… and the smell made me salivate. Got rather morbidly curious and I was feeling bored, so…”
Silence.
H, “...Hey, wanna be totally responsible with the powers of magic, and go get lunch? My treat.”
E, “Hmm?”
H, “Haven’t been to Mac’s for… well, longer than this.” Cracks neck. “The Mr. Edd jokes aside, I’m feeling for a beer… or five. You up for it?”
E, “...”
H, “...Look, I’m…” Sigh. “The irony of a wizard saying this to another aside, I’d just like a few hours of something… normal.”
E, “...Wouldn’t mind.”
H, forced smile.
E, “...Just a heads-up before we go.”
H, “Hmm?”
E, “Apparently, something happened to the Red King. There isn’t exactly a ceasefire going, but it seems there might be internal-struggles for a while going forward.”
H, imagining a vampire’s power multiplied by horse, grimace.
E, “Apparently, he turned into a rabbit.”
H, jaw falls.
E, can't keep himself from smiling, “And when the other vampires tried to do something about it…” Mimes. “Big, gnashy teeth!”
H, jaw near floor.
E, slightly more somber, “Not sure if he croaked or not, hard to tell with vampires even during the best of times unless you gibb ‘em yourself, but…”
H, humms
H, “...Hey, before we go?”
E, “Hmm?”
H, “I’ve… noticed something else.”
E, “...And that be?”
H, “My… magical control has started going through the roof.” Beat. “...Isn’t that supposed to be a… not a mortal thing?”
E, quiet, “...How… good, as the case may be?”
H, “...Walked past an electronics outlet in a foul mood, and didn’t blow-out a single screen in the store window. Some flickering, but that was… well, it.”
E, just looking.
H, “...Thought you deserved to hear it… Sir.”
E, deep sigh. “Don’t know, Hosh.” Bitter smile. “...Not like we humans have many sane things to compare with, right?”
H, weak chuckle.
E, points to door, “...Ready to go?”
H, grunts herself onto her hooves.
“We arrived into Chicago without incident. In fact, perhaps it was just me and my freaky new ears… but the NeverNever seemed near… dead, at the moment. No whispers, no snow, not as much as a cold breeze...
Frankly, I’d rather have had the spiders again. At least those are the type of creepy that’s deeply cathartic to deal with.”
E, looking at the streets, “...You’ll be OK, Hosh?”
H, snort, “If I could walk these streets with a wizard’s staff, I think I can deal with doing it as a small horse.”
E, smile.
Enters Mac’s.
The room goes quiet.
H, rolls eyes, “Oh please, as if I’m the freakiest thing that has ever come through that door.” Points to plaque. “Hell, you’d need to be mad to mess wi-”
H’s jaw drops near clean off at the blank spot on the wall.
H, “...Wha…?”
Mac, clearly stiffly even by his standards, “Accords redacted.”
H, “...What?”
Mac, hint of anger, “No longer neutral ground.”
H, “...Wait, what?”
Mac, “Mab’s worried. Something big coming.”
H, “...By Mab’s standard? Mab is taking her ball home, and battering down the hatches?!”
Mac, hesitates, grunts.
H, “...Well, fuck.”
H, unstunned, raises hoof, “Look, believe it or not, but I just want a beer or two. Anybody want to go when the pointy headed freak enters, just to feel safe? No skin of my nose, ‘kay?” Hesitates. “I swear on my power I won't hold any grudges about it, if any of you do leave.”
Atmosphere immediately jumps down to almost normal.
H and E, enters.
Mac, “...That you, Harry?”
H, awkward laugh, “Yeah…”
Mac, unreadable, “...Usual?”
H, “Yes, please.”
Mac, starts cooking.
Finds a booth.
H, has to lay on it, but just barely fits on one end.
H, not amused.
E, kindly, “That was very kind of you, boy.”
H, waves him off, “Rather not pour gasoline on the fire.” Notices a few leave in the corner of her eye… but surprisingly few. Looks at hoof. “Can’t blame people for feeling scared, but that’s no reason to add to it.”
E, hesitates, “...Hosh… I don’t want to say this… but that vow? There’s a reason… few magical creatures use it. That type of magical loss? Like having their hearts cut out with a dull spoon, at least for some of ‘em.” Clearly has to force the words out. “We’ve had our differences, but I don’t want to lose you to something that... dumb.”
H, “...Don’t like it, but I see your point.” Rubbing temples. “...Still, only a problem if you break it.”
E, bitter chuckle, “And how many speak that one with the intent to break it?”
H, “Point.”
E, tilts head, looking at hoof.
H, “...Yes?”
E, “...What’s it like?”
H; “...Hooves, or the pony unicorn thing in general?”
Room clearly loses about a bar of air-pressure from people just eavesdropping.
E; “...Well, both.”
H, loud clop using both hooves, a few patrons twitch, “Like wearing work-shoes you can feel trough. Weird, but… doesn’t feel that bad, truth be told.” Beat. Slight shuffling. “...That’s kind of it, really. Weird as fuck, but none of it feels bad.” Rubs neck. “That’s really the freakiest bit. I should have body-image issues up the wazoo, but instead it just… feels as if I’ve slipped out of a… a… a suit or something, only to have put on one I haven’t worn for years.”
Silence.
H, “...Yeah, imagine how I feel about it.”
Rubs temples.
...Well, mom did fuck one monster. Who’s to say she didn’t do it twice, and dad was just the smhuck she tricked into caring for me?
Pause.
In that case my sire may go mount himself, but still…
E, “Don’t think Maggy did anything like that, Hosh. She… had her dark streak, but she wasn’t the type to experiment on children. Especially not her own.”
H, “...Can you really blame me for thinking changeling? Or something like that, at least. What if winter has decided that the choice wasn’t nearly enough, and this…” ´thumps chest. “...is basically a big experiment half-way blowing up in Winter’s collective face?”
E, “...Given how scary the concept of even minor fea with free-will are, I frankly hope not. No offence, but magic users that doesn’t waste a drop in each spell, and don’t fall under the corruption of black magic? While being able to just waltz through a normal circle, or stuff like that?” Shudder shared with H. “Yeah…”
H, “...The Queen of Air and Darkness is many, many things… but she isn’t stupid. Why would you do that globally?”
E, “...The stars were right, and it was either trying it then, or never?”
H, thinks it over, shrugs, “Wouldn’t be the first time I’ve heard that bit of stupid. Could be.” Droning voice. “Yes, great leader! Truly, the once every ten-thousand years chance of turning the world’s earwax into turpentine must be taken!” Hoof around ear. “Fucking idiots, the lot of them.”
E, chuckle.
H, “...Think I could really be… you know? The only other type of unicorns i know are, after all…”
E, hesitates, looks at metal spike.
H, “...”
E, “...Would be a fast way to know… but not without its downsides.”
H, shrugs, pulls out a hair.
Nothing happens.
H, slow breath, burns hair on candle.
E, “...Unless that’s part of the reason the changeling mark two plan is being tested despite the downsides, of course.”
H, bitter laugh.
Mac, comes with food,
H, “You’re a lifesaver, Mac.”
Mac, finger on bottle.
H, “...?”
Mac, “On the house.” Nods to doorway. “Thanks.”
H, about to protest.
Mac, snorts, lifts hand away.
H, deep sigh after draining first bottle. Free beer, huh? Perhaps I died, and this is a really big clerical error and I’m in pony heaven…
E. “...Good beer here.”
H, nods.
E, “...You’ve got a plan if… you’re stuck?”
H, “...Well, haven’t been booted onto the streets yet, so I’m honestly not sure if anything really needs to be planned for.” Face. “Guess I should find a vet to bribe into giving me all the appropriate shots, but… that’s kinda it.” Thinks. “Having a kitchen I can actually reach in again without dangling on chairs would be nice, but that’s a bit pricey.” Gulp. “...Guess contracts might be either too few or too many for a bit going forward depending on how people take this whole pony thing, but I could nickle and dime for a bit using my warden salary.”
H, bitter laugh. “Call me cynical, but I don’t think the monsters an’ crap are going to slow forever, just because some of the herd they hunt has turned pastel.”
E, grimace.
H, ears perk, “...Think that might be it?”
E, listens up.
H, “Something so weird, the normals simply can’t ignore it? The average joe starting to ask questions on magic?”
E, hums. Only sound in the entire bar.
H, “...Hell, imagine the moment a bright and oh so clever young lad enchants a camera to see through clothes and find contraband.” Taps horn. “only it sees a bit deeper than that.”
E, “...That’s possible, but that’s something that has been coming for years.”
H, “Hmm?”
E, “Think about it. Quite a lot of the really nasty stuff can’t look better than ‘circus freak that dressed in the dark.’ And that is when they actually bother to fake looking human” Snort. “Don’t really see the appeal of most o’ the stuff… but I’m not a fool, either. We live in the age of HD cellphone cameras and there’s really no denying it.” Face. “Now, the clever bastards, like the white court? Those we’ll probably never be rid off, but the stuff stupid enough to just drag little girls under bridges, and crap like that?” Cut-throat gesture. “Those twits are one high-profile mauling on cameras away from being hunted for sport globally. Have been for years.”
Room silent.
E, “...Hosh, I’m going to be honest.”
H, “...If your a thing that’s simply clever enough to pretend really well to be my old apprentice, please continue to do so because the longer you live, the longer I have a chance of finding out how to beat him out of you? That about the gist?”
E, beat, fierce grin, “Well, that one to.”
H, snort, takes big bite from her plate.
E, “Things hit the fan? Please come to my farm, and lay low until things clear up.”
H, start coughing.
E, “I know you, Hosh. You’d fight the sky for raining on people, if you could…. and make no mistake, I’m damn proud of you for that.” Deep breath. “...But I don’t want to see a white unicorn rug, or a staff with a horn on top, or any crap like that; just because the world went whoosh and you tried to go back to back with the wrong short-sighted bastard.”
H, deep breath, “...I’m not one for running.”
E, “And how many would you help as a rug? There are nasty buggers out there, who loses even a trace of empathy as soon as even a fellow human’s skin is the wrong color. Or talk the wrong language.” Deep breath. “Not to mention how those types would probably get once they see something clever enough to give them a really good sport, while still pushing enough… ‘it’s just an animal’ buttons for them to sleep the sleep of innocence the very same night.”
Silence.
E, “...And that isn’t even if the government doesn’t freak out. I lived through the wars, Hosh, and I think you know which two I mean. I saw people —good ones— dragged away to camps, because who cares about a poor nigger? Or a chink? Or a damn dirty jew?” Pokes H on horn. “Don’t frown like that at me, boy, I’m using those outdated words for a reason.”
E, pokes own forehead, “‘We can’t trust those horn-heads any more. Just look at them, they're not even human anymore! Who knows what they’ll do if we don’t act first! Think of the children!’”
H, slightly twitch.
E, snort, “Oh please, you know they’ll go that route if it works.” Dark, but still kindly. “And when people get scared enough, it does.”
H, “...No promises, but… I’ll think it over slightly more than usual, OK?”
E, “...All I can ask for.”
Eats for a bit.
E, “...A vet visit and not having to monkey around in the kitchen? Really?”
H, “...Look, the no hands thing? Annoying, but…” Holds knife and fork. “Well, look.” Twirls them. “No idea how I’m doing it, but I am.” Shrug. “No idea how my skeleton works at the moment, but I can even stand on my… well, hind-legs if I want. It’s a bit draining and slightly uncomfortable, but it works. Can even get down and up from my lab now that I’m mostly used to moving about like this.”
E, nod.
H, “:::I’m not delusional about all that, am I? It’s just… I really haven’t found any problems in this it doesn’t seem i can fix, be it short or long-term.” Beat. “...Well, except for the obvious equine one I don’t have a clue about, but you know what I meant.” Giant shrug. “I’ve run screaming towards crawling carpets of red court vampires, for christ’s sake. Given crap like that, I just don’t get what’s so... dreadful with the current state of affairs.”
E, raised eyebrow.
H, “Not like that! It’s an annoyance. Compared to some of the things I’ve nearly been eaten, hunted or seduced by? It’s like being menaced by The Count, after having seen Dracula eat the Cullens!”
E, beat, small smile, “...Really?”
H, “Look at me! I’m cute, for Pete’s sake! Cute!” Muttering. “What kind of wizard gets warped by eldritch powers and ends up cute?”
E, facepalm, “...That seriously something you’re worried about, Hosh?”
H, blush, “Look, I’ve done many things in my life. Having a face that looks as if it belongs on a prissy primadona that has never gotten her hooves dirty was not one I expected to ever have to worry about, OK?”
E, “...I can guess he might have something of a line right now… but have you considered having a chat with Injun-Joe?” Beat. “It’s hardly perfect and you’d probably still have the… gender thing, but he might be able to teach you to… well, shape change into a human.”
H, stares.
E, “Don’t do that, Hosh. It looks like your eyeballs are about to jump out and bite me.”
H, looks away, biting lip.
E; “...Wasn’t there a human fascinated she-wolf that owns you quite the favor? Or those pups that learned from her?”
H, strokes chin, “...Don’t like it, but that might actually be a half-decent idea.” Face. “At least that will allow me to use shoes again without getting a frickin’ ferrier…”
E, sparkle in eyes.
H, “Oh hush. You try walking around in a metropolis barefoot and you get to tell that joke.”
E, “...You need that? Because I know a few good farriers.”
H, seriously conflicted.
E, “..:The nails?”
H, “...Well, yeah.”
E, thinking, “I’ve never used it for mine, but there’s this thing called hipposandals. More or less what they sound like. Might be harder to get ahold of, but those you can just tie on an’ off.” Looks at hoof. “Might interfere with that weird grabby thing you can do, but sure beats getting glass in the frog.”
H, “...I’ve got some svartalf contacts. Pricey, but if anybody can make something like that, it should be them.”
E, slightly impressed, “...My, how you’ve grown, boy.” Nostalgic smile. “Remember the time you was so stroppy because you’d seen an actual brownie.”
H, grunt.
E; “But can’t you just use those new-found ‘elite sewing skills’ to make… well, something? Is a leather tube with cardboard in the bottom for a bit of support really that complicated?”
H, “...”
E, “Yeah?”
H, “Not sure how much I want to draw on that stuff. It feels… a normal level of good, but since I never liked that stuff beforehand…” Shiver, fur standing on edge. “Not sure if it stay at that level, to be blunt.”
E, “....Well, when you put it like that, it might be wise to play it safe.”
H, tongue in cheek, “Of course, there’s the whole living up to gender stereotypes as well.” Big swig of beer, belch.”Honestly, that type of stuff’s just nasty.” Steak-sandwich. “You’d never catch me acting like that!”
E, facepalm while smiling.
H wakes in the middle of the night, by something banging loudly against her wards.
Rolls out of bed, shrugs on duster and staff in hoof. Nearly one smooth motion.
...Then nothing happens.
What the hell was that?
Nearly jumps out of skin as the phone rings.
Rodriguez, “Harry?! You there?”
H, “Yeah… you just got hit by something big that gave up immediately?”
Rodriguez, clearly calming a male voice, “Yeah. Nearly broke my wards in half, whatever it was, but it seems to be gone now.”
H, feeling his, “...A few cracks, but nothing pumping some power into them won't fix.”
R, low whistle, “Keeps surprising me what a powerhouse you are, dude. Mine are nearly a pile of magical detritus.”
H, smirk, “No offence, but given your track-record? I’ve got a feeling it’s nasty detritus.”
R, chuckle, “Well, I wouldn’t recommend being in the NeverNever of my apartment right now, I’ll say that much over the phone.”
H, “...Not sure what just happened, but… you don’t fire a cannon at a castle and run. Doesn’t make sense.”
R, clearly nuzzling somebody shaking, “Look, I’ll be…” Perverted laugh. “...awake for a bit longer, you do the same, ‘kay?”
H, “Sure, just in case. You make sure that future hubby of yours calms and knows where the nearest gun is.”
?, “...What?!”
R, “Just in case, love.”
?, “...Is this a… Oh god, it wasn’t a joke, was it?”
R, “Don’t know yet.”
?, “...’kay.”
R, to H, “...See you later today?”
H, “...Not sure. Got lots of things needing poking and prodding around here thanks to the pony thing. I’ll try, but don’t save any pizza.”
R, “Make sure to make the next one, ‘kay?” Cough. “We’re sharing all the little tricks we’re figuring out, and it’s hard to keep track of it all. Hoof care, where to buy brushes that can actually deal with fur, personal hygiene for equines… Now, I know it all sounds petty, but those little things really helps keep your spirit up.”
H, filing it away, “Sure. Next week?”
R, “Actually, we’re doing it every odd day right now.” Beat. “...A few are kinda fragile at the moment. I know it isn’t much, but I’m trying to do my best to keep morale up.”
H, “That’s a lot of travel through the NeverNever.”
R, shrug, “Most are staying at Edinburg…”
R, implied, And I’ve got this pretty civilian here that I’m not leaving alone.
H, “Got it. Not sure what I can do from here, but throw me a line if you need it and can think of anything.”
Click.
H reinforces his wards.
Sits and reads a book. Mister laying on her back.
H, “Well, you most certainly didn’t take long to adapt…”
Mouse lets out a doggy snort.
H, “Same with you.”
H, continues reading, but with nothing happening…
Falls asleep.
Bang!
INstantly awake, feeling pissed, “Oh, it is on!”
Phone.
Panting R answers, “Y-y-yeah?”
H, “i almost fell asleep again.. and that was when it hit.”
R, “...Oh fuck.”
H, “You just… keep going with that energizer bunny of yours. I’ll pour some coffee down my throat if nothing else works. With any luck whatever it is will stop at sunrise. I’ll give it a try with a few dreamcatchers around me, so don’t expect a call back for quite a few hours.”
R, giggle. Click.
H; “...Damn, not sure how to feel about that.”
H, goes and rummages.
H, sleeps.
Has this really strange dream, with a large blue unicorn with wings screaming at her, but only being this wispy presence she can’t hear.
H, blinks awake, not feeling as if she’d slept at all, “Ugh, what a fucking night…”
The dreamcatchers are covered in wispy shadow stuff, fading as H watches.
H, “:..Well, fuck.”
Notices the dreamcatchers may be covered in whatever it is… but they are still whole and functioning.
H, “...Huh.”
Shower.
Phone.
R, “...Hi, Harry…” Triumphant. “Guess who haven’t slept a wink!”
H, “Just thought you might like to know dreamcatchers seems to work against whatever it is. Mine ended up covered in shadows, but seems to have done the trick. I think some bastard might have targeted us with nightmares, or something.”
R, tired, but clearly paying attention, “Thanks, I’ll be sure to whip-up a couple for tonight.”
H, smirk, “Aiming for a totally dreamless sleep, are we?”
R, small laugh, click.
H, takes Mouse for walkies.
A limo pulls up.
Unfamiliar voice, but the speech pattern is unmistakably Marcone, “Ah, good morning, Mr. Dresden.” Beat. “Or perhaps I should use Miss. No insult intend, it’s a bit harder than usual to know what title people find most fitting for themselves.”
H, “What do you want?”
Yellow pegasus with pink hair (Fluttershy), in a suit even Dresden’s new tailoring instincts tell him is almost ludicrously well-made, “To be frank? This face and my business doesn’t particularly match. I’ve had more upstarts and discipline problems for the last week, then compared with the last ten years.” Deep breath. “I want to compare notes. You have that annoying streak of outdated morals, but you’ve seldom disappointed as soon as the weird starts up.”
H, hesitates.
M, “...Please.”
H, “...I’m sorry, but not even the white council seems to have anything on this. The entire supernatural side of things are running around like chicken that has lost their heads.”
M, scrutinises, punch so hard it dents the door, “...I see, a pity.”
H, hunch, “...Did your wards flare earlier tonight?”
M, goes still.
H, “Because mine, and those of a friend I trust did the same.” Beat. “I don’t like you or your business, but your word has always been good. I’m willing to pool what little I know if you do the same.”
M, waves at the car.
H, hesitates.
Sourly Bodyguards.
Whatever the valkiria is called, “...We shouldn’t be driving around like this.” Frown.
M, “Dresden has agree to pool info.” Disdain at finely manicured hoof. “I for one don’t care much for this shape.”
H, “Mab contacted me just before she scaddadeled to Arctic Tor.”
Limo goes silent.
H, “I got the Name of who is apparently responsible for this… as a freebie.”
M, “...Mab gives nothing for free. Not even for the sake of vengeance.”
H, grimace, “Yeah, why do you think I’m not liking it?”
M, “...Fair enough. I take it there is a reason you have simply not used a summoning circle and a lead-pipe by now?”
H, “The creep is apparently named Discord, The God of Chaos.”
M, “...Ah”
H, “And Mab wants me to find him and ‘kill that worthless creature until he dies.’”
M, “Quite the prospect, deicide…” To Guard. “I take it your employes would charge quite a bit beyond what I’d care to pay for that task?”
Guard, slow breath, “...I… believe so, but I could inquire about it.”
H, “The Hellhound owns me a favor. Would that backup change anything?”
M, slow turn.
H, “We wizards are oh so defensive about our staffs, you know?” Serious. “To be serious, though. A chaos god that can just reach in past any ward and do… well, this level of crap?” Nod to the humans. “I’d rather not see the next batch be turned into fudge shoggoths, or whatever.”
M, hum, “Indeed, few such creatures ever seem to stop at just an act of…” Looks at hoof. “...corruption.” Grimace. “Although the prospect of this being one of the lucky ones… rather irks me.”
H, bites down comment about sugarcube for the pretty pony.
M, gives H odd look.
M, “...Dear Lord, you're actually fighting down the sarcasm.”
H, snort, “Look, I want to have kids one day… but not by fucking foaling them. Who or whatever that Discord twerp is? He’s getting my A game. If that means biting down just what I think you can go do with a riding crop and bridle? Fine, so be it, because that freak is going down.””
M, stares, “...Perhaps this is the End.” Looking at wings. “I will however admit, that I never thought to see any wings upon my back.”
Guard snorts.
H, twirls staff, “Well, if I see any wolves whose back ‘arch towards the sky as he devours all’ I’ll most certainly do my best to fry his eyeballs out.”
Guard, tensely, “...Only Tor may slay Fenris. It is destined that way.”
H, big toothy grin.
Guard, smile, “Oh, mortals…”
M, “This interesting aside about mythology aside…”
H, “Sorry, but that’s more or less my ace.” Thinks. “Figured something out about… my type of unicorn I haven’t seen mentioned, but that’s kinda it.”
M, “Show me.”
Lights horn. “Unicorns can apparently do this. No clue why or how, and I haven’t figured out anything worthwhile you can actually do with it… but there you go.” Rubbing horn. “The alicorn itself gets really damn sensitive when you do that, but I don’t think it’s likely to come up in combat. Hell, I’m not sure if non-mages can even do it at all.”
M, “...”
H, “...What?”
M, “I can’t believe I’m holding this conversation… but could it be a… mating display?”
H, jaw to floor.
M, “The brighter the light, the more magic one has? Like a peacock, but with the arcane?”
H, rubbing temples, “...Well, I seriously hope not.”
M, “Sadly, my own inquires have proven quite fruitless as well, at the moment.” Flap of wings. “Apparently, the size is no hinder for… those turned into pegasi to achieve flight.” Hmm. “And the ‘standard’ ponies apparently have some form of natural earth magic that strengthen them. Interestingly enough, including a bond with the earth that gives them natural green… well, hooves as the case may be. Long term, that might be a boon for crop production, but right now it is sadly too early to tell.”
H, “Right, crops…”
M, shrug, “I am a businessman, Dresden. Can I really be blamed for hoping tomorrow will come so I may continue that?”
H, mutters, but says nothing.
M, “Oh, and it seems all of the… equine persuasion are quite resilient to damage.” Parts bangs, a bruise visible through a shaved patch can be seen. “One of my specialist though he could perform quite the career climb with me like this.”
H, “...Sure the world simply didn’t got unlucky?”
M, smirk, “I employ professionals, Dresden.” Frown. “Although if that double-tap was any inclination, I may need to perform a quite sweeping change to my current arsenal.”
H, “...It is a one in a billion instead of one in a million, but…”
M, “Although I will applaud your grasp of how the improbable will sometimes happen even in our crazy world… do you actually believe that yourself?”
H, hesitates, tells the ‘changeling 2.0’ theory.
M, “...” Turns, face twisted in genuine fury. “If any thing touched my mother without permission, then it will burn.”
H, “No proof of it, not even by magic standards. Still, it wouldn’t be the first time Summer has had good intentions, and it might explain why Mab can’t act more openly.”
M, hoof through hair, stare at hoof.
M, “One thing I have learned of magic, Dresden, is that no amount of power is free.”
H, “Well, I don’t know about you, but hearing sugarcube jokes for the rest of life sounds like a price to me…”
M, tiny smile, instantly serious again, “But you know what I meant, I hope?”
H, deep breath, “...Yeah.”
M, hesitates, “...Have you performed the… soulgaze, since your metamorphosis?”
H, feeling cold, “...I don’t make a habit of it.”
M, nod, “...Would you… please… inform me of the result, the next time you do?” Beat. “I realize it is childish and unbefitting of my position, but I found… it a great relief that during certain circumstances such things may be seen.”
H, hesitates, “...I get it. Will do.”
M, tiny breath of relief, “..:Thank you.”
H, uncomfortable.
M, all business again, “A few hours ago some manner of spell impacted the wards around my residence.”
Guard, steps forward metaphorically, “...I don’t know what it was. I have not seen its like during my lifetime.”
H, “Sadly the same here… but it got caught by dreamcatchers.” Rubs head. “I had a really odd dream and woke up to ‘em covered in shadows of all things, but it allowed me a few hours of shut-eye.”
M, “What type of dreams?”
H, “A pony like… you know, but the size of a horse. Winged unicorn, deep blue, starry mane and wearing only a crown.” Beat. “I think it might have been some manner of shoddily delivered sending, come to think about it. No clue from whom, though.”
M, humm, “I’m afraid Greta got enthusiastic and pulled out quite a few stops to ensure my safety. If I had any dreams, I can’t remember them.”
H, shews lip, “...Using dreams like that is a hair away from rather dark mind-magic. I can’t think of anything even among the mustache twirlers that would… well, to be fair, they would do it, but if you want slaves or corpses there are so many more easier and reliable methods.”
M, humms.
H, “...Could that be Discord? She seemed rather desperate to talk with me and Mab made several references to ‘he,’ but gender isn’t more than a esthetic choice for quite a few of the older horrors that lurk in the dark.”
M, “Not impossible, but seems a poor assumption to make.”
H, “...You really took two in the forehead and nothing happened?”
M, “Oh I assure you, plenty happened.”
H, irritated, “Not what I meant. Not even a freakin’ concussion?”
M, “...A slight headache.” Irritated. “But my… vet assured me the damage is light enough for me to function with decent comfort, as long as I don’t push myself and add some more fresh vegetables to my feed.”
Beat.
M, “You did not hear that last part.”
H, “...That vet reputable?”
M, “Mr. Dresden, I know you have this rather charmingly naive view of the lesser seen bits of society… but there aren't many backalley vets performing the ginger-trick nowadays. Animals are expensive, and you don’t hurt expensive merchandise.”
H, rolls eyes, “What I meant, was that anybody that told you that and lived sounds like somebody straight enough any pony that walks into his or her office will actually walk out again.” Shudder. “...My old master had some arguments about technicolor rugs I can’t seem to find a counter to, and I’d rather avoid that nonsense.”
M, slow nod, “Believe it or not, but the same.”
H, eyebrow.
M, “Dead creatures of myth tend to divulge less secrets than live ones. That, and I believe I mentioned the potential for enhanced crop-yields alone?” Shug. “Perhaps it will change, but for the moment at least a live pony is worth ten-fold what the dead ones are.”
H, reluctantly sees the point.
M, “You are correct however that there will probably more than a few pairs of dried wings, or broken horns, soon on the market.” Beat. Entire limo seems to darken slightly. “That is why I have made it known I have extended my… heh, wing over any pony in my domains.”
H, eyebrow.
M, slight snort, “Come now, Dresden. Messengers intelligent enough to take orders, but fast as messenger-pigeons? Mechanics that may juggle engine blocks bare-hoofed?” Flash smile. “Have to admit, the usage of unicorns beyond standing there and look pretty while they sparkle? It may elude me at the moment, but I’m sure I’ll think of something.” Beat, tilts head. “Hmm, unicorn models… that could work.” Flash smile. “I redact my previous statement.”
H, tartly, “And just what good vibes does the pretty pony princess of crime intend to send out to her fellow ponies?”
M, smile, “Why, the same little darling ones I send out whenever some poor deluded fool threatens my accountants, of course.”
H, jaw fall, “...Huh.”
M, “If nothing else, I’d rather not see my new species hunted into extinction. Is that cynical enough for you, Miss Dresden?”
H, hesitates, “...One more thing I can share.”
M, go on gesture.
H, deep breath, “I’m not sure what causes it, but it appears you get some… skill boosts from this transformation.”
M, clearly interested, “Go on.”
H, “Seems totally random from what I’ve seen so far, but I’d thought I’d mention it.” Beat. “I’d recommend not leaning too hard on any of it, since we know so little about this so far.”
M, “You think it a honey-trap?”
H, shrug, “Not risking it, at least. I’ve seen people with minds torn apart by magic.” Beat. “Not even you deserve to die like that.”
M, “...Darn, and I had such plans.”
H, raised ears.
M, “...On the condition you show me yours.”
H, “...Just so we’re clear? Anybody that laughs, dies.”
M, raised eyebrow.
H, deep breath, “...I’ve become a master seamstress.”
Chirp-chirp.
H, “You lot heard me.”
M, clearly speechless, “...”
H, looking around, “Unless one of you have shoddy socks, I don’t think there’s anything for me to demonstrate on, though.”
Silence reigns.
H, “So, yeah, at least mine’s… easy to avoid. Small favors.”
M, shakes head, straightens up, whistles at mouse, “Here, doggy-doggy…”
Mouse, goes still for a moment, only to launch straight into ‘magical-danger’ growl.
M, blinks, “My, even your dog is full of surprises, it seems.”
H, “What. Did. You. Do?”
M, to chauffeur, “Pull over for a few moments, please?”
Car does so.
M, pulls down window a bit. Clears throat before whistling.
The birds reenactment!
M, strangely meek, “Oh my…”
The entire mass stays for a moment, before looking confused and fleeing again.
M, coughs out a feather, “So, yes, apparently something believes turning me into a Disney character is hilarious.” Wipes stain. “As you can see I don’t have much more control than ‘come’ or ‘go away’ at the moment.” Small smirk. “But I do believe, that the joke will be on whoever did this to me in the end.”
H, mind flashes to what Marcone might use animal control for.
H, slow breath.
M, smile, “I do enjoy that bit of our little spars, Dresden.” Taps head. “The cog might have lost a few teeth, but you grind through a problem sooner or later.”
H, bristles slightly, “Is that what I am to you? This… raging bulldog that happens to prefer the taste of your enemies?”
M, “To be fair… do you know anybody else around here that is likely to become infuriated enough to call on the true name of a god, and somehow poke probability in the nuts hard enough to actually win the resulting mess?” Shrug. “Things prowling in the dark is bad for business. Besides, I believe your luck will run out far before I become the greatest monster on your list, Miss Dresden.”
Car pulls up, door is opened.
M, points, “The man’s name is Mr. X.” Glare H finds it hard to look away from. “You will tell him I sent you and you will take the full examination. I know you, your pride and your morals, but I’m not bending this time.”
H, squares shoulders.
M, rolls eyes, “Miss Dresden… Let me be clear: I think you're a sentimental fool. A relic of a past that exist only in your head, and such a bleeding heart you’ll probably end up torn into shreds that won’t fill a whole matchbox; probably for some blue-eyed dame you spent five minutes with and was lying through her teeth for six of those.”
H, hoof to heart, “Ow.”
M, deep breath, eyes flashing, “And if you let go of even a hundredth of your damn scruples, you waste of power, I frankly think there wouldn’t be a single monster daring to walk on this continent.”
Chirp-chirp.
H, “...Magic doesn’t work like that.”
M, narrow eye, “Bloodline curses. Wards that burn all they are tuned to do so with. Spells that reaches into the very core of you and turns it upside down. Magic works exactly like that, you sentimental twit.” Slow breath, once more calm. “And not a thing of that actually count as dark magic, as long as you don’t do it to a human.” Pause. “I guess we’ll see if ponies count.”
M, hesitates, closes door.
M, distant, “...And yet, I’ve seen you run into places where…” Bitter. “...where angels refuse to tread. Because the prayer of innocents is apparently not good enough a choice to beg for help. You're a damn fool, but…” Turns head away. “...if we had more fools like you, that perfect little world without hard choices that seems to live only in your head might actually... be.”
H, utterly uncertain what to say.
M, eyes blazing again, “And if the good die young, then by God I’m going to use my filthy, bloody, drug fuelled, cum crusted pocket-change to make sure you live long enough to die trying to bite Surt himself in the crouch!”
Guard, chokes slightly.
M, slams hoof against wall, large dent, “And not because whatever hack did this missed a spot, and the only part of your heart that is literally still human is going septic!” Grab so fast not even Mause has time to more than twitch, pulls harry to eye level. “So you get the buck in there, Rarity, and you let me help for one God-damned time before there are piles of bodies in the streets! Because frankly, you can walk, or I’ll fly into the ionosphere, grab your thrice-damned pride, shove downward so hard it starts leaking out of your ass, and then I’ll use what’s left of it to break enough legs that I can drag you!”
M, pants, blinks, “...I apologize, Miss Dresden. I’m not sure where that… bit of temper came from.”
H, tense, fixing collar, distracted, “...We’re all under a lot of stress, Fluttershy, and it was only words. Think nothing of it.”
Guard and Bla, go really tense.
M, tense, “There will be a cab, and you will not pay for it. Am I clear?”
H, glare.
M, sigh, “Or are you really going to waste all that stamina and energy to gallop home, when the whole world is a pastel colored powder keg ready to blow?” Shake. “Seriously, Rarity, one day somebody is going to make a spell that makes pride visible, and yours is going to cause a new bucking ice-age.”‘
H, “...Fine.” Rises. “I still think you’ve got an angle on this, but fine.”
M, big, genuine grin, “Oh, there is.”
H, freezes.
M, “A full medical examination? For a mare?” Mimes putting on rubber-gloves to her elbow. “Isn’t it simply glorious, to do the right and satisfying thing?”
H, tail between legs on pure reflex.
M, even wider smile, “Of course, if you prefer having the orifice in question rotting and falling off…”
H, feeling slightly queasy, “Thank you for that lovely mental picture… but fine, I get the hint.”
M, faked gasp, “And without me having to write it on a sledgehammer? Truly, these must be the end-times.” Opens door. “Goodbye, Miss Rarity.”
H, grunts, “Come, Mouse…”
Limo leaves.
H, “..What the hell did she just call me?”
Mouse, hides head in paws.
H, “Oh, don’t you start.”
“Most of one medical examination that would haunt my nightmares and probably kill what little libido I had left thanks to all these pony shenanigans later, and I was down to a few minor tests.”
X, “...Sorry, for my bed-side manner. I’m just… not used to needing one past a kind voice.”
H, grunt, “I get it.”
X, “When was the last time you got went to a gynecologist? Not quite the same, I know, but…”
H, deep breath, “My last prostate exam went well, thank you…”
X, freezes, “...You aren’t kidding?”
H, glare.
X, “...Would you feel better if I told you you have one of the neatest vaginas I’ve seen in my whole career?”
H, dying inside, “Not really, no.”
X, shrug, “Well, If I’m hanging for the calf…” Checklist. “You’ve foaled recently?”
H, “No.”
X, “You sure? Because you’ve got teats that wouldn’t look out of place on a pregnant horse, let alone a pony.”
H, near dying.
X, kindly, “Well, to be blunt, it didn’t seem like a swelling to me. Just keep an eye on ‘em, just in case.”
H, groan.
X, “...Look, I can tell you’re struggling with this, but I’ll need a bit more to tell you’re healthy than you just standing there like a horse-mannequin.” Points to treadmill. “Going to have to see you move.”
H, reaches for duster.
X, “Without clothes. Seriously, where did you even find that stuff?” Tilts head. “..Guess I’ve got patient confidentiality now, but most I’ve given a once over? Barely a bathrobe, at that.”
H, slight blush, “I’m decent with a needle and thread.” Staring at stuff. “It’s my old stuff, just… slightly modified.”
X, low whistle, “Good on you. Honestly, looks like a pro did it. You a seamstress, then?”
H, shrugs, gives card.
X, “...Really?”
H, “The vet told the ex-man who turned into a unicorn.”
X, frown, hesitates, “...Point.” Beat. “...Still, wizard?”
H, eyebrow to roof, “You’ve from what I’ve inferred, treated pegasi earlier today, and you're holding a conversation with a unicorn… but there being real wizards out there is beyond your imagination?”
X, shrug, “I’m a vet. Two hundred years ago? You’d be holding this conversation with the local wise-man, trying to find out which local witch doctor cast this dreadful curse on you.” Beat. “...now, I’ll freely admit I’m a bit beyond my limit here, but can you really blame me for finding ‘aliens with sick humor,’ or ‘previously unprecedented phenomenon’ a easier solution than… well, magic?”
H, hmm, “...Guess that isn’t totally beyond impossible. Know a bit more than the average Joe, but I’ve never claimed to be all-knowing.”
X, “To act as devil’s advocate, couldn’t you just…” Waves hands. “Poof, you know?”
H, “I’m mainly an turmathurge and evoker.Transmutation like… well, this?” Shrug. “You're asking the magical version of: ‘But a cat has moving parts, so why can’t you fix my car?’”
X, tilts head, clearly not quite buying it.
H, “Look, you don’t just snap your fingers and say the magical word for that level of stuff.” Air-spell, snags apple and nearly makes X jump out of his skin. “That? Basic air spell. That you can almost just will, if you’ve got the gift and skill for it.” Bite. “Now, making or banishing a tornado like that? Far more power, and if you fuck up?” Whoosh. Hoof to head, splat sound.
X, big eyes.
H, smirk, another bite finishes the apple, “Anyway, shape shifting like that? And having all your organs? And being good enough to actually change back?” Grimace. “Like being able to perform calculus while running a marathon.”
X, “...Can’t you just… call in a favor?”
H, shiver.
X, “...Why not?”
H, “When you do that stuff yourself?” Taps head. “Your mind… protects itself on instinct, you could call it. If somebody does it to you?” Face. “You don’t get that. It’s just a really slow and creepy way of killing somebody.” darkly. “Needles to say? The less than normal parts of society that aren’t tea leaves and crystals? Well, I wouldn’t call the general feel sunshine, sugar and smiles; let’s leave it at that.”
X, “...Look, I’m no horse-whisperer, or a shrink…”
H, “Haven’t noticed… well, nothing sanity shattering. Not yet, anyway.” Groan. “And that just doesn’t make sense.”
X, “...Really?”
H, “Look ,even magic has rules. Anybody that figured out to proverbially snap their fingers and turn hundred of thousands into still sane magical abominations?” Waves hoof over face. “Why in any of the hells would somebody build up that type of power, only to perform what’s basically a really mean prank? Why talking, magical ponies, of all things? Why not… I don’t know, gorgons, or something? You know, if you wanted to maximize the chaos? Or dragons if it’s some type of really misguided… I don’t know, attempt to... help people? Why ponies?!”
X, “Somebody that likes unicorns?”
H, snort.
X, “Really, really likes unicorns?”
H, gags.
X, “...Care to hear my two cents?”
H, “Shoot.”
X, “I’ve run through nearly half a year’s worth of needles, just for the blood-samples on ponies since this started. You should have seen the look on my face for the first poor kid when the needle bended.”
H, “...Go on.”
X, shrug, “Now, I know there’s such a thing as body-image issues and… stuff. But things like flight and a horse-power aside, isn’t that level of health quite the boon? Even with downsides?”
H, looking at the previously burned hoof, “..Guess I can see the point.”
X, “,,,Why that look?”
H, “...My hand used to be a burned mess. The scars just… melted away when I grew the coat.”
X, beat, “...Pyromancy not something you should dabble in as well?”
H, weak laugh, “I don’t think you’d believe me.”
X, “Said the unicorn to her vet.”
H, shrug, “Reinhart —think corpse that unfortunately still breathes— with a flamethrower.”
X, goes still.
H, “Told you so.”
X, “...That still breathes?”
H, “Vampire trick.” Pistol to head. “Enough of the mind left to stand and guard… but not have any pesky little thoughts, quarrels or morals left that might get in the way.” Ears fall. “Nothing left to save.”
X, clearly struggling.
H, “Problem with things everybody knows doesn’t exist? Not believing in it won’t make the tiger in the dark go away.” Snort. “Probably going to be bloody as heck, but in the long-run this whole pony thing might just be for the best.”
X, “...”
H, big smile, “Met big-foot a few times, as well. Pleasant enough dude, actually. Tell him Harry said ‘Hi’ if you ever run into him.”
X, turns, stares out window.
H, “And would you even be considering those words… if they didn’t come out of an adorable little unicorn snout?”
X, “...”
H, “...Sorry, you don’t deserve this on your back.” Mostly to self. “The idea of people actually listening after how many years I’ve spent screaming wolf from the tallest rock I could find is just… alien to me.”
X, “...Anything you could tell me about… your type of patient?”
H, perks ears, “Not really, sadly.” Beat. “...Remember that bit I said about… mental changes?”
X, “...Go on.”
H, “You get a freebee I think is meant to be the meat to the trap.” Nods to clothes. “Last month? Could barely thread a needle.”
X, looks, “...And now, you could charge for it?”
H, deep breath, “Yeah… didn’t think about it before, but…” Lost for words. “Not sure how you’d get people to listen, but… thought you might want to hear it, just in case it turns out I’m right on that.” Waves hoof. “‘The disease seems to cause slight brain-damage. I’m sorry, and I don’t have a report on it or anything, but I’ve seen it in many pony’s that came trotting through my door. If you notice any new skills in your reportair? Don’t use them, it worsens the condition.’” Shrug. “Could work, right?”
X, “...More with honey, I guess.”
H, “Haven’t noticed anything much, other than that.” Snort. “Going to be fun hearing the scientific community trying to tear their hair out over pegasi flight, though!”
X, “..:Really?”
H, “Magic. Not even sarcasm, it’s really magic.” Juggles applecore. Making it bounce a few extra times in the air for emphasis. “Like that, but with water mixed in as well. Never seen anything quite like it, but it seems scary efficient.”
X, “...You can do that… and nobody believes you?”
H, shrug, “Probably not helping my case, but dad was a stage magician. It is hardly impossible to fake stuff like that, even up-close. And the big stuff?” Whoosh. “You call a line of fire, and most just run.” Bitter laugh. “And do you really think the stuff that prowls in the dark cares for the herd they hunt to know they are there?” Taps horn, making it glow. “Especially when it might mean more of them might learn how to shoot lightning-bolts down the line? Hell, if they could get us back into the nice and comfy dark-ages where they didn’t have to worry about all those pesky guns? They would.”
X, stares, “...This is…”
H, “Crazy? That’s the normal response. Easier to think ‘crack pot,’ and move on. And for most? It works.”
X, looks.
H, “You think the average zebra ever even sees a lion? Or a hyena? Or a crocodile?” Distant. “But every now and then, a poor fool of a foal goes to close to the wrong creek without cucumbers. Or crap like that.”
X, “...Cucumbers? Sorry, but I’m not following.”
H, “Things called kappas. Think river troll, but with some specifics.” Gags. “They love cucumbers… more than child entrails, if you follow.”
Silence.
H, “Thankfully, they’re really rare here in America, even by paranormal standards. They’re more of a Asian and Japanese menace.” Sternly. “But you ever see a frog-like thing with a bowl filled with water in the thing’s head?” Mimes bowing deep. “Manners are serious business to lots of the creeps. And kappas are weak as kittens without the water from their spring.”
X, stares, runs hands through hair, “...Jesus.”
H, snarky, “Don’t think he was a wizard. Faith magic and trying to learn magic doesn’t tend to mix well, you see… Darn potent stuff, though.” To himself. “...Could have been a polymath prodigy, I suppose. Don’t think that theory would go over well, though.”
X, “...”
H, “Sorry, but my business? Doesn’t leave many illusions. I try not to mess with anything devine, and they stay out of my business.”
X, hand reaches for a chain around neck, fingers it.
H, “Jehovah's a big guy on the block, if you’re curious.”
X, “...I see.”
H, “So was Odin, Coyote and Zeus once. Just saying.” Lifts amulet, channels. “Still, faith has its uses. Another thing many of the really foul stuff can’t stand.”
X, “...How… are you doing that?”
H, “You can channel faith just like any magic. Sorry, but… if you don’t have the gift, and can sense stuff like that? It’s possible, but it’s like a blind person learning to draw.”
X, “...You a satanist? No skin of my nose, I know there’s more to it than the movies like to pretend.”
H, forced smile, “No.”
X, “So, faith in what, then?”
H, “Magic.” Reverently. “It’s… life, given shape. Laughter, joy, love… all those things.”
X, small laugh, pulls out pinkish unicorn amulet, “...Think this one would work?”
H, small jawdrop, “...Sorry, saw the chain and… well. Horses, not zebras, right?”
X, “,,,So, God really exists?”
H, “Don’t subscribe to that line myself, but I’ve heard a theory all that stuff is ‘just’ spirits that have eaten themselves really fat, metaphorically speaking. Personally, I’d like to believe there’s more to it all then that, but if that way to look at it floats your boat...” Slight sigh.. “Anyway, this discussion is rather interesting, but…”
X, hand towards treadmill.
H, Ugh, Right, I was stalling…
H, rises with a blush.
X, clearly measuring her like a slab of beef.
H, blush.
X, “...Come now, surely the worst bit’s done?”
H, tail between legs.
X, “...So, meant to ask, but what happened to that poor tail of yours?”
H, “Shaved it. A few too many things that are lethally grabby in my business, if you follow.” Poof mane. “Same for the other hack-job.”
X, “...”
H, edge, “Yes?”
X, sigh, “A shame. Never thought I’d see a mane that’s naturally purple…” Teasing. “Or so poorly cut, for that matter.”
H, eye twitch. “Well, excuse me for having more important things to worry about than grooming.”
X, hand in surrender.
H, grumbles and jump atop the treadmill. Tests. H has a flashback to her first spell.
X, “...”
H, panting, “Yes?”
X, “You’ve got some serious stamina. Most horses would be foaming from that.”
H, “I jog.”
X, “Trott, more like…”
X, slip of paper, “I’ll spare you the unfunny joke. I’m seeing quite a lot of stuff I’ve got no explanation for, but it all seems to be working as intended together with the stuff I do recognize.”
H, “...Like?”
X, “Well, for starters, you lot seem to think partially with your butts…”
H, unamused.
X, “I’m serious. Those pics? Can’t find the how or why, but there’s two really dense nerve clusters there.” Hesitates. “Don’t slap any fellow ponies there as a joke. Trust me.”
H, “...I see.” Looks around. “How, exactly?”
X, “Don’t have stuff normally, but a friend of mine has an old EKG. Not enough to write a thesis, if you follow, but just might be enough for the start of one.”
H, pokes plot, “Right under the tramp-stamp of doom?”
X, cough, “Yes. Even seems to conform slightly to the picture’s shape.”
H, “...Weird.”
X, “Well, that’s sadly about it.” Cough. “Don’t think there’s going to be much more than that until…”
H, “...First autopsis start rolling in. I get it.”
X, shrug, kindly but clearly forced, “...There’s such a thing as CAT scans and MIAR nowadays, right?”
H, chuckle, “Yeah…”
X, hesitates, “...You take it slow and steady, okay?” Taps her on shoulder. “You ponies seem really damn sturdy… but if anything actually makes it past that? Might be hard to put one of you together again, even without unknown anatomy complicate things.”
H, hums, starts walking out deep in thought, stopping only to grab her staff,,,
X, “Dude! Forgetting something!”
H, blinks
Goes crimson and goes back for her clothes.
X, “Don’t sweat it, kid.” Slight chuckle. “Not the first by a long shot.”
X, turns, “Still, I guess magic being real rather explains that little party-trick. Have to admit, was rather curious.”
H, blinks, “...What trick?”
X, raised eyebrow, reaches out…
And pokes the staff. floating in the air.
X, “That trick.”
At office, just come off the phone talking with a once more breathless R.
H, “...and that’s about it. Pay it forward, ‘kay? Not sure if that ‘thinking with our butts’ thing is going to be of any use, but that instinctive levitation spell most surely will.”
R, low whistle, “...No offence, Harry, I’m flattered… but you sure you want me to pass this along?” Hesitates. “...Look, I think you earned it with that three-eye creep, let alone with letting me ride your zombie t-rex…”
H, chuckle.
Blueblood, “What? I thought you said you’d never been with a dude before!”
R, to Blue, “Not an euphemism, dear. Remember that ‘unprecedented storm-front’ a few years ago over Chicago? Things got bad, and Harry’s idea of hard-ball involves railguns.” Beat. “Well, magically speaking, at least.”
H, “Hey, if I had a few of those? I’d think of something, just saying.”
Blue, “...I still don’t know if I should be terrified or awestruck.”
Smack of a kiss. “Totally normal, dear.” Dirty sounding giggle. “Just you wait until I actually drag any actual magic into the bedroom!”
Blue, cough, clearly walks away.
R, hesitates, “...I’ll be blunt, Harry. Do you really trust me to deliver this and make the ancient ass-hats actually believe I’m just the messenger?” Dark. “Because I’ve seen you all but martyr yourself enough times I barely believe it myself, and you walking up on that podium and showing you still stand with the council despite being a flippin’ unicorn mare now? I can’t help but feel it might be the break you deserve, and I don’t want to steal that thunder.”
H, hesitates, “...Hadn’t thought of it like that.”
R, carefully neutral hum.
H, “For the record? You’ve been solid to me since the day we met, and I can still count the amount of people that have done that on my digits, if you follow. You call me up and tell me its raining chocolate milk? I’d be there with buckets and sandbags as soon as possible.”
R, “...Oh, Harry…”
H, “Hush, let me say my piece.”
R, “...’kay.”
H, deep breath, “...But frankly? I can’t blame the old-guard for being veary. You’ve heard the stories, but they’ve actually lived through ‘misguided fools’ trying to redeem warlocks.” Beat. “...I won’t deny it hurts, but intellectually? I get it.”
R, tense, “...You… want to talk about it?”
H, hesitates, “...I’d like to think the flavor I got hit with is… one of the lesser ones, but I… won’t deny, there’s a temptation there I’m still struggling with.”
R, slow breath, “...Go on.”
H, “Two words and a name: Ebay, hair… and Kim Sung.” Deep breath. “Never got far enough to bid on any novelty momentos, if you know what I mean… but I struggled with that temptation for quite a few years.” Silence. “...That overt stuff? Haven’t had to deal with it for years, but…”
R, tiny voice, “...But?”
H, “...I’m no saint. When my back’s to the wall? I turn into something beyond a bastard, and… I’m honestly not sure if I’d had that streak without… you know.”
R, weakly, “Well, I won’t pretend mine was lubed with quite that body-fluid… but I think I get what you're saying about slippery slopes.”
H, laughs herself silly.
R, “...Seriously, though. Why tell me that?”
H, “You’ve been solid to me, so I thought you’d deserve some trust in turn. You… might be right about it being better for me to address that crowd in person, but I wanted to make sure you got I changed my mind over the arguments, not you.”
R, “Aww… Honestly, Harry? You keep sweet talking me like that, and I might have to move to Utah on principal, if you know what I mean!”
H, smiles wide, “You take care, ‘kay? You’re crazy, but it’s a good type of crazy.”
R, “And the stuff…?”
H, grimace, “Let me see if I can pull some strings to get a translator. You know me and my Latin.”
R, “Yeah… Seriously, Harry, how did such a clever person like you pick that tongue for hi- her spells?”
H, darkly, “Almost as if a young wizard without a clue might get even less of one if he doesn’t talk the official tongue of the council, huh?”
R, sucked in breath, “...Ye Gods, that’s…”
H, “Warlock with a brain left levels dark?”
R, “...Yeah.” Beat. “I’m all out of maidens, if you know what I mean… but you need anything else, you call, ‘kay? Not to court the stereotype, but that means shoulder to have a good cry on as well. If you need it.”
H, wiseass, “What, no tubs of ice cream and bad rom-coms?”
R, clearly playing along, “Oh, we could make a party out of it! Do each others manes, put on mud masks, get mounted by my stud…”
H, slight blush, “...Don’t you mean talk about boys?”
R, “And why should we use our mouths for that when I’ve got a fully-functional deluxe model right here?”
H, weak laugh, “Walked straight into that one.” Slightly more seriously. “You’ve needed this for a bit, huh?
R, content sigh, “Yeah…” Super serious. “But just for the record? I’ve heard the horror stories about you and girls; there’s a reason I’m flirting about as subtly as a brick on a string.”
H, jaw to navel.
R, “Now, the old me wasn't one for sausage… but it seems I got a few wires crossed, and I frankly don’t care about these ones. Thing is? The new you? You could drop the paranormal investigator shtik for modeling if you wanted, and Mama Rodriguez wants a few ladles of that clam-chowder, girl.”
Blue, “Really? This is what you call flirting?”
R, to blue, “Oink, oink.”
Blue, “No romance to it? Not a bit of subtlety? Just, ‘Hey, let’s go shag?’”
R, “Well, in my defence, Harry here’s a ‘the clue-bat needs nails in it,’ type gal.”
R, to stunned H again, “Look, Harry… I know you’re still reeling from Luccio”
H, stab of pain.
R, “But it’s rather clear the pastel unicorn turd with glitter all over it is rather close to hitting the fan marked ‘real life.’ I’m not sure if it will be the End, but I’m fairly certain whatever storm that’s a’brewing is going to be one for the records.” Kindly. “Look, if it turns out you’re not into mares or stallions? That’s fine, but I just want to make a hundred-and-ten percent sure you actually got the message that there’s a bed with a friend that wouldn’t mind trying for more here waiting, if you want it.”
H, “..I… don’t know what to say.”
R, purr, “‘Take me now, my pretty?’”
Laugh.
R, “Seriously though, I’ve going through my fixable regrets checklist at the moment, just in case, and not having seen that royal purple between my thighs? Rather quickly racing to #1.” Firm as bedrock. “Not even joking here, Harry. You’ve been an inspiration for many of us during the whole red court debacle. Frankly, I don’t think I’m the only one that care to tap that given the circumstances, but I’m most certainly going to shout dibs at the top of my lungs.“
H, totally speechless.
R, “Think it over, ‘kay? If things are about to go sideways I’d rather go with a smile on my lips, an ache in my other lips, and flinging the biggest spell I can at the nasty that caused this, all while seeing how many lovers I can french at the same time.”
H, “Think the normal limit is one on that last bit…”
R, growl, “Well, good thing I’m a wizard then, right?”
H, hesitates, “...Any word on… contraception yet?” Blush. pushes tail down. “Because I’ll admit, normally I’m hardly this hard to convince, but…” Grimace. “The idea of pushing my car through a straw? Not helping my libido, I’ll say that much.”
R, chuckle, “Hey, given how I’ve seen you get over people in your charge? Think you’d make a wonderful dam, Harry.”
H, tongue out, “Ugh, did you have to use that word for it?” Sigh. “Perhaps one day, though.”
R, chuckle, “Well, think it over, at least.” Grin audible over the phone. “But if you excuse me, there’s a dick with my name on it, and that whipped-cream won't lick itself!”
H, “A bit graphic a joke there, kid.”
R, purr, “And who says i’m joking?” Click.
H, slow breath, “...Damn, I need a cold shower.” Click.
All the damn office is floating. And Harry barely feels a strain.
H, “...Could have used that trick a few times.”
Reshuffles decor.
Slight adjust to picture frame.
An equine head with a horn visible through the glass, knock on door.
H, straightens up, “Come in.”
Purple winged unicorn, without a thread but with some serious jewelry.
Goes wide eyed, and flies straight at Harry.
Shield. Smacks her into wall.
Look of pure betrayal.
H, “...Ma’am, it isn’t wise to jump at a wizard like that.” Slight nod towards chair. “If you’ve got business, I expect you to act professionally towards me. If not? Go take a hike, kid. Not sure what you’ve heard about me, but whatever twit is using a rosy cheeked apprentice like you against me? Won’t end well.”
T, “...You… don’t remember me? At all?”
H, “...Fairly certain I would have remembered somebody that purple.” Beat. “No offence, just an observation.” Beat. “And you might want to go back home and get some clothes on. I’ll admit things like that are a bit… heh, fuzzy at the moment, but your one rule’s lawyering officer away from spending a night or so in jail for indecency.” Pointedly sits on her new cushion behind her desk. “Now… do we have business, or not?”
T, clearly near tears, but forces herself to approach slowly. Doesn’t even try to sit in chair.
IN comes two clearly fuming guards. In barding Harry have never seen before.
H feels cold, “You’re not a local, are you?”
T, clearly thinking fast, but hiding it piss-poorly.
H, “If that adorable little thinking face of yours means what I think? I don’t take kindly to being double-crossed by bastards, no matter what dark hole they crawled out off. First and only warning, kid.”
T, shock. Even stoic guards.
T, slightly horse (ha!), “...You’re really a… wizard and private-eye?”
H, nod, “With thaumaturgy in the mix, the two has more common than you might think.” Beat. Gives card.
T, “...No parties?”
H, “Would you like to have spent your life learning how to bend the laws of reality with your will, only to have it reduced to a centerpiece at a party?” Shrug. “Besides, magic is no toy. If you aren’t careful, it will eat you; body and soul, and leave a monster wearing your skin.”
T and guards, clearly mortified.
H, “...”
H, brings out grey cloak, “You lot even know what this means?”
T, slow shake.
H, “It means I’m a warden; the combat slash law-enforcement branch of the white council. If you lot really are some new faction that’s just crawled out of the NeverNever thanks to this pony crap?”
T flinches at the swear.
H, “Then I’m going to give you the cliff-notes version before you turn yourself into a raving monster with dark magic. We clear?” Slightly kinder. “You seem like a sweet if naive kid, and I’d rather not have to perform my duties on you.”
T, “...What duties?”
H, “There are seven laws no magic user in this world may break on pain of death.”
T, pales.
H, “Because they either warp you thanks to how dark magic works around here, or they pose a threat against the fabric of reality itself. With exceptions so rare I’m not even going to list them, there’s only one punishment.” Drags hoof over throat. “And no blood stains the grey fabric of a wardens cloak. We clear?”
T, agape, tried again, “There… has to be another way…”
H, “No. Plenty have tried, but with exceptions so rare that I won’t list them once more?” Slow shake. “You just end up with a dead warlock and at least a few dozen more bystanders. “ Beat. “...Even attempts at such redemptions are a once in a blue-moon thing.”
T, mouth clearly dry, “...And these laws are?”
H, lists them.
T, brow furred.
H, “If any of those things actually work in whatever candy-land of fluffy-bunnies and happy smiles you seem to come from? Good for you, but here that type of crap will get you worse than dead. Tread very lightly on that edge.” Pats cloak. “I don’t like it, but what we wardens do? It’s… really damn close to putting down rabid dogs. They just happen to wear human skins and be able to throw fireballs.”
T, “...I see.”
H, “Now, a lot of the supernatural community around here is in raging tatters thanks to the pony thing, and I don’t think your appearances will help… but the council is still holding fast.” Chuckle, waves hoof. “Granted, quite a few of us are trotting around to put out the fires, rather than running, but still.” Firm but kind. “I can however, put you into contact for the sake of opening diplomatic relations. You keep this civilized behavior up, and as long as it doesn’t turn up you lot eat baby souls, or whatever? I think that might work out.”
T and guards, reels back.
H, toothy grin, “If nothing else, you guys bluff really well.
T, shaking slightly, “...”
H, “Well? Might be the best long-term thing to come forward as quickly as possible, but if you’d rather ride out the coming storm first…” Shrug. “Will probably cause quite the PR dip, but that’s your business.”
H, thinks, “Oh, and don’t tell your full name to anybody.”
T, “...Huh?”
H, “You lot, frankly, seem fresh off the proverbial boat.” Shrug, steely eyes. “Most wizards? Wouldn’t have hesitated a moment to use that to turn you into their slaves for as long as they live.”
T, pale and mouth agape.
H, “There’s more to name magic then that, but I’d thought I’d give fair warning of the dark as a freebee. I may be something of a bastard, but I frankly have my limits.”
T, “...And… why… would…?”
H, “Because you're not human. Now, I’m not going to risk a soulgaze —don’t meet a wizard’s eyes for too long, by the way— but too a lot of the old-school council members? Anything that isn’t human’s fair game.”
T, horrified.
H, leans over, “Because in this world? Even most of the light and fluffy stuff will eat you, if you press the wrong buttons on ‘em.” Tilts head. “Sorry, but any more than that? Would take long enough I’d have to charge, sorry.” leans back. “Still, should allow you to live long enough to get a clue on your own.”
T, clearly dumbstruck.
H, predatory grin, “Welcome to the jungle, kid. We’ve got fun and games… but you probably won’t like most of them.”
T, hesitates.
H, points to card, “You need time to think? I can keep quiet for a bit as a courtesy… but frankly, my loyalties lies firmly with humanity and the council, in roughly that order.” Firm as rock itself. “And no matter who, what or anything you are, I’m not bowing on that without enough resistance to level half this town.”
T, clearly near tears again.
H, “Oh, and this town? It’s a bit petty and egotistical of me, but I consider it my turf, supernaturally speaking. You continue to act like now? I’ll buy you the proverbial pint if I ever get the chance? You turn out to be the slightly more normal type of nice-seaming bastard with a fake smile? I won’t care. I’ll ignore you and not like you, but I won’t care” Murmur. tiny sun. “But you drag innocents into alleys they’ll never leave? I will find you, and I will deep-fry your bones. Are we clear?”
Guard, turns green and has to run outside to puke.
T, tiny voice, “...Crystal.”
H, dispels the spell, “...Sorry about that… but ninety-nine and a half percent of the magical creatures around here? Monsters that consider hu- people toys or food at best. At worst? Both.”
The other guard gently faints.
T, starts crying, “...Oh, Rarity… what has this world done to you?”
H, cringes, clutches head.
H, “...What did you call me?”
T, “...Forget I sa-”
H, slams hoof down, “Bullshit! You so clearly know something it’s painful!” Rears, hooves on desk. “I gave you the magical survival 101! If your a creep you owe me at least as much candidness, and if you're not it’s still good fucking manners!” Slam. “So spill the damn beans now, or you can get the fuck out of my sight!”
T, “...Owe you?”
H, slow breaths, sinks down, “...Manners are a huge deal to a lot of the monsters around here. Ask politely enough during the right circumstances? You can make a vampire face a sunrise while smiling, if you’re clever-tongue enough.” Darkly. “Of course, the reason manners are so big for them, is because a lot of those very same monsters are old enough to have scrapbooks with neanderthal scalps in them. Just a warning.”
T, hesitates, pulls photo from her own shadow.
Six smiling mares… (The bit with Pinkie damaged. Showing only a pink blur.)
And one of them looks just like Harry.
And Marcone.
H, “...If this is a bluff for some recruiting scheme? I will make your blood boil on principal.” Entire room darkens from H’s mood. “Because by Jove, if I’m slowly turning into the world’s prettiest monster? I’ll clean house down to the bedrock before my mind goes.”
T, weeping openly.
H, slow breath, “Speak, or leave. Frankly at the moment I don’t care which.”
T, tells the story.
H, “...What?”
T, “...I… think you heard me.”
H, points, “That mare, as the case may be? Tell me her story… and I’ll tell you her story, if you follow.”
T, describes Fluttershy with a lump in her throat.
H, “...Gentleman Johnny Marcone is… her, current name.” Beat. “She’s the local kingpin.”
T, ears plastered to skull.
H, “Drugs? Girls? Protection? She runs it all around here, and she’s been gunning for basically being the king of the entire underworld for years now.” Beat, reluctantly. “...But her word is as solid as it comes. And anybody around here that tries touching or hurting children?” Whoosh. “As gone as a politician's conscience near money.”
T, “...Oh, Rarity.”
H, winces again, “Please don’t call me that, it hurts.”
T, hesitates, looks at card, “...Har-ry Dres-den, right?”
H, “...More or less, and for the logical follow up? Only works if you hear the full name from the persons own lips; it’s an identity thing magic can home in on.”
T, slow nod.
H, “...Can I… get you or your guards anything? Tea, coffee, coke…?”
T, “...What’s a ‘coke?’”
H, “A type of soda that’s rather popular around here.”
T, “...What’s a soda?”
H, slow breath, “Carbonated soft-drink.”
T, brow furred even more, “...Why do that to a drink?”
H, “Used to be common quackery slash folk-wisdom that these naturally carbonated springs had health benefits up the wazoo. Somebody figured out how to fake it, and the taste proved popular enough that it survived for that alone past being debunked.”
T, “...Huh.” Beat, clearly at her wits-end. “...Yes, please.”
H, rises, hesitates, “I can guess you two are about to quote some regulation at me, but can I get you some water at least?”
Both shakes head.
One of them, “...Thank you, Ma’am, but it’s too easy to slip something into a drink like that. We’re not allowed to accept it.”
H, shrug, “Fair enough.” Points. “Faucet’s over there. Just pour your own glass if you change your minds.”
Both of them give a salute. Slightly freaking Harry out.
H, grabs two cokes.
Trots up, puts both on desk.
T, “...?”
H, “Given how dark some of this chat’s been, I thought you might like to pick…”
T, teary eyed again.
H, “...You and that… girl. Just how close were you two?” Deep breath, kindest voice. “Because I am sadly cynical enough not to believe most would gallop half-way across the multiverse for only a friend…”
T, splutters. Guards look as if they’d been kicked in the gut.
T, has to close eyes and do a breathing technique.
H, “Sorry, but… it’s the truth.”
T, deep breath, “...Friendship is… not quite right, but the best way I can explain it to a…” Looks ten years older. “...a non-Equestrian would be… sacrosanct.” Bitter laugh. “But… you're not wrong, either.”
H, “Go on.”
T, wordlessly pulls out a giant necklace with a sapphire on it that makes Harry’s skin crawl.
H, “...And that is?”
T, “...You honestly don’t know, do you?”
H, “Kid, I used to be human and male just last month.” Hoof over face. “Look, I’m sorry for your friend, I really am… but I’m not her.”
T, hesitates, “...And if I… asked you to put… this on?”
H, “I can feel that thing’s magic from here. No way, jozee.”
T, “...It’s… called the Element of Generosity. It’s a potent magical artifact in its own right, and part of the greater artifact the Elements of Harmony.” Closed eyes. “Rarity was… its chosen wielder.”
H, “...Why do I have a feeling there’s six of those?”
T, “Because you’re clearly as clever as Rarity… was, just a hundred-times as cynical “
H, small laugh, “Probably wrong, that number...”
T, hesitates, picks up one of the cans.
H, picks the other.
T, puzzled.
H, demonstrates, takes a long sip, “Just a warning; you’ve never had any soda before? It fizzles quite a bit.”
T, opens, sniff, “...Just what… flavor is that?”
H, another sip, shows can, “Cola.” Tilts head. “Never had it in non drink or candy from, but I believe it’s a tropical nut.”
T, suddenly interested, “Tropical?”
H, sip, “Say what you want about capitalism, technology and the modern world, but todays tradelanes aren’t half-bad.” Nod to guard. “You a big-shot big enough for a cross-dimensional trip and escort? Might be worth dropping some investments slash cloth on that type of stuff. Just a tip.”
T, bites lipp.
H, “...You are planning first-contact, right?”
T, “...There’s supposed to be a balance between the realms. My… teacher never went into details, but you’re not supposed to disrupt that too badly.”
H, “Think that went out the window twenty-five years ago, just saying. Why not get the good, if the bad has already happened?”
T, rubs head, “...I’m going to need to do some tests and talk this over with the other princesses.”
H, “...Really?”
T, “...Oh come on, how can you turn that into cynicism!”
H, “Look, you said it like ‘I’m going to discuss it with the other queens.’ Why the cutesy title?”
T, sigh, “...It was an early indulgence by Luna and Celestia. One that lingered long enough to become… well, tradition.”
H, shrugs, “Fair enough.”
T, “Look, this has been… utterly heart wrenching, but thank you for the information.”
H, “May I ask how you found me? Not a must, but given my business and number of enemies I’d like to know.”
T, “I looked in the phonebook for a local magic expert.”
H, beat, laugh.
T, “...You really the only mage in this whole town?”
H, “Ah, so you are that fresh of the boat…”
T, irritated frown.
H, “Everybody around here knows there’s no such thing as magic.”
T, sprays coke over half of H’s desk.
H, “I’m basically the one bastard mad enough globally to thumb my nose at that silly business.”
T, “How?!”
H, “Because actual mages among humans are one in a million.” Sip. “Minor talents enough to have one or two little tricks they might not even realize as being magic? One in a thousand.”
Chirp-chirp.
H, “There’s still stuff like… well, the white council, but it’s a fringe thing.”
T, “...But… all those horrible things you told us…?”
H, “Most don’t even know the old tales nowadays, let alone how much of them happens to be true.” Hoof, back and forth between the two. “That storm I was referring to? The scales are about to fall from humanities eyes about this crap thanks to this pony mess, and it aint going to be pretty.”
T, “...How bad?”
H, sip, distant, “World war three, probably.”
T, “...THREE?!”
H, cynical smile, “Well, to be fair, the second was an almost direct result of the first one. Like a wound not cleaned properly, you know? Like that, but economically and culturally.”
T, staring.
H, kindly, “Look, I’m telling you the bad so you’ll be pleasantly surprised about the rest later, ‘kay? We’ve got some really good and neat things as well… it’s just that this is a rather dog-eat-dog kind of world, and humanity sadly couldn’t reach as high as it has without playing that game. The faster you get that? The less disappointed about the dark you’ll be.”
T, “...Such as?”
H, “...Antibiotics?”
T, “...We’ve got those. Less effective than healing magic, but…”
H, “Huh, your healing magic isn’t rubbish? That might be something.”
T, horrified, “..:What?”
H, “It’s one of the most complicated fields of magic we have. I’m rather strong myself, but I’m utterly next to useless with delicate stuff like that.”
T, jaw falls.
H, “...You make official contact and I can introduce you to one of our best healers, ‘kay? Injun-Joe on the senior council and you’ll probably meet him anyway, but I wouldn’t mind putting in a good word.”
Pause.
H, “...Look, no offence? But from the look of that horrible armor, you guys are rather magic dependant.”
Guards bristle.
H, “You look out, and all those moving things and lights? Not a drop of magic in anything of it.”
T, hesitatingly unbelieving look.
H, “Most of it? Electrical, with chemical being a decent second.” Beat. “I’m… far from an expert, because magic around here tends to fizzle electronics and other delicate things, but even the most crusty old has-been wizards will admit that modern tech is getting rather impressive.” Grimace. “There’s a reason everything is laying low right now. Humanity is basically this big, scary, massive, sleeping beast none of the parasites wants to be the first to be smacked by.”
T, rubs, clearly close to a headache, “...I see, that explains quite a bit. Thank you.”
H, “...What do you plan to do now?”
T, “...I thought it would be so easy. Just… come here, use… this memory spell I know to refresh everypony’s memories…”
H, goes tense.
T, stare, closes eyes, “...And then my friends would be back.”
H, forces self to relax.
T, “...Does it matter if it is done… voluntarily?”
H, “...No.” Beat. “Technically, the damage to the person’s mind is… slightly less horrific, but it’s… an instinctive reflex for humans to try to protect their minds against magic. I sadly believe we can both guess why.”
T, “...”
H, raises eyebrow.
T, “...I don’t… know what to do.”
H, “...What should I call you, kid? I’m sorry, but…” Hesitates. “...I simply can’t remember.”
T, tiny mote of hope, “...Twilight Sparkle.”
H, feels the connection instantly, slow hiss.
T, weak smile, “...A friend that doesn’t trust you enough to tell you even their name… isn’t much of one, right?”
H, head in hooves, “Stars and stones, why do all the dames that walk in through that door have to be evil, crazy or both…?”
H, hesitates, grabs staff, “Malivaso!” using soulfire.
Entire city-block goes black.
T, “What the heck was that?!”
H, “Weaponization of that anti-tech thing I told you about.”
T, “Why?! You just caused property damage worth… I don’t even know how much, but at least a couple of hundred-thousand bits! Maybe millions!”
H, “Because I’ve got enemies that might have bu- hid listening devices in here, and you can’t…” Deep breath. “...be too careful with a friend’s true-name.”
T, freezes.
H, hesitates, spreads hooves , “...Can’t do anything about… the old Rarity, but…” weak smile “...You give the new one a chance, and I’ll give you one, ‘kay?”
T, dives tackles her from a standing start.
H, “Ugh!”
T, hugs her half to death, crying tears of joy.
H, “...Oh, that’s just adorable.”
T, “Don’t you dare ruin this for me.”
H, pats on back.
T, “...Thank you.” Tiny, even tighter hug. “...I missed you girls so much.”
H, heart in hooves, “...”
T, starts letting go, stuttering, “...i-I-I’m sorry, I-I…”
H, grabs her and hugs tighter, “Shut up and get it out of your system. From the sounds of things, you need this more than my ego dislikes being called… that name.”
T, laughs weakly, pulls her tighter.
“I wasn’t certain how long we ‘stood’ there. Long enough for that ball of light Twilight had conjured to fade into nothingness and cast the room into near perfect darkness, at least.
It was slightly humorous to see the two grizzled veterans standing there and trying not to bawl like babies, but…
I couldn’t quite shake the feeling I was being given one of those hugs you give senile people that has mistaken you for their grandchild.”
T, disengaging, face near covered in snot.
H, throws her a hankie.
T, rubbs her face off.
The three ponies nearly jump out of their skins as H burns it.
H, “...What?”
T, “...Why did you burn that?”
H, “...Ye Gods, you lot don’t even have thaumaturgy?”
T, “...Not to my knowledge.”
H, “Like can be made to seek like. Or something that was once apart of a whole.”
T, goes still and wide-eyed.
H, “Tracking spells, healing… and making somebody’s heart explode out of their chest from clean across the country.”
T, blinks shudders.
H, “Don’t leave anything like body-fluids or hair where somebody might find them.”
T, “...Rarity?”
H, “...Please don’t call me that, but yeah?”
T, “I’m so, so tempted to club you over the head and just flee from this… grim place.”
H, squares shoulders, “Don’t.”
T, sad.
H, “Or do you really think I’d still be your friend after that? Even if… ugh, Rarity makes a sudden flippin’ comeback?”
T, tiny voice, “No, but you’d be safe.”
H, stares for a moment, “...Look, let me hang up the close sign, and we’ll continue this at my apartment. Even if somebody shows, I don’t think I’d be able to concentrate anyway.”
H, does so.
T, “...Why not levitate the sign?”
H, “...What, the average unicorn is really a prissy primadona enough not to bother walking across the room?”
Both guards snicker.
T, mind done broke.
H, “Besides, it’s literally on the way out, and I’ve known about that natural telekinesis thing for six hours, tops.” Shrug. “I’m good at magic, but not that good.”
T, “...”
H, “Hmm?”
T, “...You… didn’t have that spell before?”
H, “Well, something akin using wind, but one with just pure magic like that? No.”
T, “...A wind based levitation?”
H, at can, “Veni che!”
Thing floats over to trash can.
H, dramatically, “Behold! The awesome power of the universe made manifest!”
T, slight twitch at lips.
H, “Seriously, though. That anti-tech thing I mentioned? You make yourself really damn unpopular if you throw magic around just to grab your keys.” Staff towards black bulb. “Wouldn’t even have demonstrated that in here if I hadn’t cast that spell earlier.”
T, frown.
H, “Once more, with gusto: Hmm?”
T, “Why does magic short-out electronics around here?”
H,big shroug, heading out, “Nobody knows the why, but it’s the current side-effect to mortal magic.”
T, “...Huh?”
H, “Look, ask five wizards? You’ll get twenty theories…”
T, “Hypothesis.”
H, rolls eyes, “I think my old master might be onto something with his, but it’s the nature of it all that there’s no real proof. Humans are just conflicting creatures; always refining and redefining themselves, and that means the few among us that has power? Well, we get small power-spikes, to put it simply.”
T, listening intently.
H, “Few centuries ago? Magic made milk spoil and gave wizards lots of pock-marks. Nobody knows why, but it changes like that.”
T, stumbles.
H, stops, looks back, “...What?”
T, “The rules of magic… change in this place?!”
H, looks at her like she’s a fool, “..Well, yeah. It isn’t fast or anything, but it’s just… how it works in this realm.”
T, nearly hyperventilating.
H, “Care to elucidate the local…? No offence, but you’re being rather silly by my standards.”
T, “SILLY? You're talking about magic… flittering about like some craftspony that can’t find their keys!!
H, “Look, magic? At least here? It’s… love, laughter, joy, sorrow, passion, fear, dread, determination… all those little things that makes life worth living.”
T, bites lip, “...I guess… that’s one way to look at it?”
H, smiles, turns, “Yeah.” Glad she got T to understand. “Quite the fickle and chaotic thing, magic, but I honestly don’t think I’d prefer it any other way. Just keeps things interesting, you know?”
H, is almost to car when she notices she’s the only one making cloping sounds.
H, turns, the three ponies are still as statues, “...What?”
T, forcing the words, “...The magic of this realm… is chaotic?”
H, “Wouldnt go that far, but it sure likes to change and tweak itself.”
T, pales, shivers slightly.
H, “Look, you keep insulting my entire universe like this? I’m frankly going home alone, and trying to forget this forced reincarnation nonsense and going on with my life.”
T, moment of pure fear.
H, “I’m well aware it ain’t a perfect world, but it is my world. A world that some really dark spots aside, I happen to like. You don’t like it? Go fuck off to your perfect little candy-land again.” Turns. “Me, my friends and every allay I can scarper up will simply stay right here in the flipping real world, and figure out who that Discord creep is so we can go kill him.”
T, jaw fall.
H, “Oh, what is it now, Twilight?”
T, speechless.
H, “What?”
T, “...Surely, there… must be another way?”
H, “Twilight, that twit, whoever he is, have ruined the lives of hundred of thousands. Perhaps millions. That’s just counting this world. And not counting things like accidents, suicides or outright murders indirectly caused by people, you know, spontaneously changing species?”
T, “...What?”
H, “Oh please, do you really think everypony that had this happen to them got a happily ever after?” Miming hitting something, fakes a mans voice. “What did you do to my son, you monster?! Give him back!” shrug. “See what I mean? That was off the top of my head.”
T, “...I need to go lay down.”
H, opens the beatle, “Get in, we’ll drive.”
T, clearly out of it, but jumps in.
H, to nearest guard, “You. Front seat. Only way we’ll all fit.”
Guard hesitates, but complies.
T, clearly trying to focus on anything else, “...So, is this some type of magical chariot?”
H, “Chariot? Kinda. Magic? Nope.”
Beatle coughs and splutters, but rolls away.
T, “...”
H, “Remember that anti-tech thing? Not healthy for any tech stuff you own.” Pats dashboard. “The Blue Beetle and I go way back, but I won’t pretend the ol’ thing isn’t half dead.”
T, “...Sure this is safe?”
H, humms.
Silence.
T, “...Do you really think… destroying Discord is the only way?”
H, “You can say kill you know? Don’t know about your place, but this realm? No invisible thought-police that comes swooping down as soon as you say a naughty word.”
T, “...Please, my question.”
H, snort, “Bastards like that? They don’t stop.They just keep going, and going, until somebody stops them. Hell, for all I know, all of humanity might be in the ‘shuffle que’ already. Ponies and your world was just the first on that list, and I got ‘lucky’ by being mixed together with somepony with more flesh than slime.”
T, slightly green.
H, “Besides, one dude, compared to untold millions, if not outright billions? I’m a Star Wars, fan myself, but I’ve still seen that movie.”
T, “...Star wars?”
H, “...Tell you what, I’ll show you later. Real classic sci-fi, think you’ll like ‘em.”
Silence.
H, “You still got what I meant, right? If that monster has the power to touch that many lives, and uses it so irresponsibly... if not outrightly sinisterly? No offence if I’m treading all over some belief system of yours, but I can’t see a single reason to allow such a horrible bastard to live.” Darkly. “Frankly, the real calculation becomes how much of the world needs to burn so the rest may live.”
T, “...Oh sweet Harmony, this whole world is like the Everfree.”
H, “Everfree? What’s that?”
T, “This… haunted forest near… a village I used to live in.”
H, “Hunted forest, huh?” Chuckle. “Punched an island like that in the face once.” Chipper. “We’re friends now, remind me to introduce you two if we’re ever out on the lake.”
T, “...You’re… not kidding?”
H, big, proud grin, “Told ya’ I’m the craziest wizard around these parts.”
T, mane going sproing, “How do you even do that?!”
H, “What? No genius loci or sanctum invocations either?”
T, “...Genius loci?”
H, “Some places have a power to them; an energy. It’s rare as heck, but some of them are intelligent, or can even manifest physically.”
T, slight recognition, “..:Like… wolves made from rotted twigs and soil?”
H, “Never heard quite that one, but sure sounds alike to how Demonreach likes to glare at you.”
T, “...Theres a place like the Everfree by this world’s standard around here…. and you walked up to it and punched it in the face?!”
H, “Well, to be fair, I needed a place where I could instigate a giant free-for-all between most of the local power-players and live to give fate the finger another day.”
T, starring.
H, just grins, “Hey, not like I said a word about the coven of necromancers, the necromantic tornado and how I had to ride a polka-powered undead t-rex to stomp ‘em all!”
T, “...I think I need a lick.”
H, “...Pardon?”
T, “...This world does have salt, right? Because I think I… need some. Soon.”
H, “Wait, wait… ponies get drunk from salt? As in, regular table-salt? Sodium chloride?”
T, “...Well, yeah.”
H, “Wow, and you think my world’s crazy.” Pulls in. “Well, we’re here.”
T, looks out, eyes turn to pinpricks, “...Rarity, why is your apartment covered in peg- thunder magic?”
H, “To fry anything that tries to break in, of course.” Turns, serious. “You and your guard may enter, as long as you swear to follow the laws of hospitality.”
T, “...What?”
H, “Another monster’s around here likes their weird little rules, thing. Sorry, but if I don’t get that? I’m running in and locking the door.”
T, apes it without hesitation.
H, “Good, good…”
H, clearly checking every shadow.
T, heartbroken, “...Is that… really necessary?”
H, “A wizard is as most vulnerable when he or she is caught flat-footed. Everything around here knows that… and acts accordingly. Why face an angry spellcaster, when a quick bite to the neck from behind will work?”
T, hoof to neck.
H, “Everything seems clear, just let me disarm the wards…”
H, does so.
Mouse is instantly in the doorway, sniffing.
T, “...Is that a dog?”
H, “Yup.” Who's a good evil detecting doggy?! routine.
T, hesitatingly follows H in. Guards the same, clearly on edge from the wards.
H, “Oh, by the way? Not sure if you guys have thresholds back in Saddle-ville or whatever that lame pun was, but make sure you get invitations to enter any dwelling around here.”
T, “...Why?”
H, “Because if you don't, almost every spark of your magic stays on the other side of the door.”
T, face of kid that has been told christmas is just a cover for national ‘eat-broccoli-day.’
H, “Another thing nobody quite knows how it works… but one of the major constants, at least. Homes are sacred, and not even the worst things messes with that power without cause.”
H, lights candles and fire with a simple spell.
T, frown, “Didn’t you say…?”
H, “Only me here, and I do without a lot of comforts thanks to the anti-tech thing. Face. “Irritating, but better than dying from an exploding water-heater. Not having to bow down every time I want a fire is sorta the trade-off for that.””
T, “Is everything trying to kill everypony in this place?!”
H, “What, and Perfect-topia has no tech problems or accidents ever? Please.”
T, pain, “...Please don’t talk about Equestria like that…”
H, almost snarks, stop herself, “Fine.” To guards. “And I expect you two out of those ludicrous death traps while you are here.”
Guard #1 has finally had enough, “This foul-mouthed blood-thirsty brute is really supposed to be Rarity?”
H, thumps chest, “Please, I’ve made better armor than that by enchanting my freakin’ duster.” Points to the weak-spots. “Honestly? I wouldn’t leave those spots open on ceremonial gear! And no cup of codpiece? You’re one decent kick away from becoming a gelding!”
#1, tail between legs, “...What pony would fight that… utterly dishonorably?”
H, big, pointy grin, “Well, anything around here that wants to live long enough to serve their liege, for starters. You shout challenges and run screaming at most stuff around here?” Throat slitt motion. “You’ll be dead before you even get close enough to finish that warcry. And that? That’s against a reasonably quick human. If something actually comes gunning for Twilight here? They’ll tear the life out of you, raise your body before it even hits the ground and then send it to kill the mare you swore to protect.”
Silence.
H, “Grow up, little foal. This is not your dam’s backyard. And the sooner you realize that and start acting accordingly? The bigger your chance of actually escorting Twilight here home becomes.”
To a still Twilight, “I’ve got some contacts with weapons dealers that doesn’t ask questions.” To jewelry. “You let me use that bling of yours for it, and I can actually give these two and you the gear you need to survive in this world. Might take a day or so, but shouldn’t be a problem.”
T, “...Blackmarket? You… you can’t buy that stuff legally?”
H, “Magic doesn’t exist, remember? You think the normal outlets carry silver plated swords? Or shotgun shells filled with garlic essence coating the bullets?”
Pokes T in chest. “That, and you don’t even have as much as a single change of clothes, as far as i can tell. I don’t know how cold it can get in Trottingham, or whatever, but this town’s called the windy city, and if you’ve missed it it’s fall outside.” Shrug. “Frankly? I’m amazed you three aren’t suffering from hypothermia already.”
T, very, very still.
H, “...I’m not making them. Sorry, but… I’m not going to draw on the thing that ate my face.”
T, firmly, clearly short of angry, “That is my friend you are talking about.”
H, “So I’m just supposed to curl up and die? That’s what you’d like?”
T, crestfallen, “...Can't’ there be… harmony between the old Rarity and… the new?”
H, “I’m not risking my mind, sanity or soul for that. I’d rather fight to my last breath.”
T, ears near fused to skull, “..When I say… Harmony…” Gulp. “It’s just a word to you, isn’t it?”
H, “...What? That’s really the… what, national faith of Equestria? Some type of yin-yang style balance stuff?”
T, near tears again. Even guards look mix of disturbed and guilty.
As if they’d just picked on a madwoman.
H, shrugs, takes off duster, “I’ll whip up something for four. I don’t have much in entertainment except books and similar fare, but make yourself comfy.”
T, “...”
H, feeling very tired, “Yes…?”
T, “You’re… really going to keep that much on? In your own home?”
H, “There’s a nudity taboo around here. Unless you three want to be stared at or outright ignored slash hindered because of it? I’d recommend getting with the program.”
T, “...There’s… nothing special about clothes in this place?”
H, “...What, day to day stuff? Not really.”
T, still again.
H, “There’s stuff like tuxedos and ball-gowns if you really must, but I’ve never really seen the point.”
T, shuddering breath, “...I see.”
H, glare, “Twilight, I’m thirty-five years old. I think I can deal with whatever you want to say. I am not made of freakin’ egg-shells.”
T, “...Thirty-five?”
H, “...Yeah, and?”
T, “...But the curse was for…”
H, “That five score crap everypony heard in their dreams? Did you really expect a chaos god to follow even his own math?”
T, wordlessly opens and closes mouth.
H, kindly, “Look… I can tell this is… really hard for you.” Points gently to couch. “Why don’t you go sit there and have Mouse let you scratch him behind the ears for a bit while I cook something? Because you frankly look like you're moments away from a stroke from stress and blood pressure alone, and I don’t think you deserve that end.”
T, about to protest.
H, “Please? I’m no great la artista in the kitchen, but I think you need a few hours of calm… and that I can actually give you.”
T, “...Fine. That… sounds nice.”
H, smile,turns, “Think I’ve still got a steak big enough. That something?”
T, “...What’s a ‘steak?’”
H, “You guys don’t have cows in your realm?”
T, nearly faints.
H, “You really sure? Because in that case it’s a real shame.” Licks mouth. “Heck, probably wouldn’t eat anything else if it wasn’t for the wallet an’ the arteries.”
T, “...Cow? You eat… cow?”
H, one plus one, gets divided by cucumber.
If I was a bastard chaos god, what would I make sure the dimension I sent my enemies futures?
H, “...What, are cows… sacred animals in Equestria, or something?”
T, staring.
H, “Because their not around here.” Beat. “Well, dimensionally speaking India has ‘em as a higher level of reincarnation compared to human, but that’s sorta the big one.”
T, tensly, “So… cows are… non-sapient in this realm?”
H, “...Well, yeah?” Horrible thought. “Wait… this Rarity gall doesn’t have a dashing bull waiting back home or anything… right?”
T, shudder, “...No, not… quite that bad.”
H, slow breath.
T, “Still, I think you should throw that… meat away. It’s unbelievably disturbing, and ponies don’t need to eat meat, anyway.”
H, turns head, slowly as if in an exorcist movie, “...But th- we… well, we can, right?”
T, “...Technically.”
H; big sigh of relief, “Well, I’m truly sorry in that case, Twilight… but in my kitchen? There’s going to be meat.”
T, slightly green.
H, sigh, “Would bacon be better?”
T, “You don’t have anything… normal?”
H, “Well, I’ve got salt.”
T; tittering laugh.
H, “Seriously though, to me vegetarianism is this boring insanity that happens to other people. I don’t think I’ve got enough vegetables to feed one of you on just that, let alone all three of you.”
T, gulp.
H, “Look, I’m a modest guy, ‘kay? I don’t have a big flashy apartment, tons of exotic delights in my fridge, or anything like that. I usually just scorch some meat, torch something on the side, and wash it all down with a coke or coffee.” Points to door. “When I want to get fancy? I eat out at this pub I like, or at Burger King.”
H, twirls around, arms spread, “This? I’m frankly content. I’d really like if monsters stopped trying to eat me or those I care for, but I’m working on that.”
H, shrug, “I don’t know what you keep expecting, but I’m starting to think I’m not it.”
T, crying again, “Oh, Rarity, what did he do to you?”
H, doesn’t return hug, sighs. “I was an utter ponce of an elitist prick in my last life, wasn’t I? A froo-froo girly-girl with laces on my laces whenever I actually bothered to wear dresses, and I’m betting they were all the pinkest of horrible pink.” Raging at heavens slash poking Twilight in the stomach.. “And no meat? What horrible hell dimension are you trying to drag me back to?! What’s next, telling me you perfect little ponies don’t have beer?!””
T, clearly worried, “...Of course we have bears… but you don’t eat those, do you?”
H, barely stops himself from screaming, “B-E-E-R. The drink?”
T, hesitates.
H, “Fermented crops? Often wheat, or barley? That type of things?”
T, “...Why would you waste food like that?”
H, beat, starts screaming her pretty little head off.
Note, one chapter. Better mood whiplash this way.
H calms… after half an hour, or so.
T, clearly irritated, “No drink can be good enough to be worth having to hunt and kill on a yearly basis!”
H, snorts, “Alright, you spoiled twit, let me lay it out for you. Have you ever dragged a foal out of the arms of a troll? Because I’ve had with a kid. A kid that be dead if I hadn’t given a damn and killed the monster that tried to eat her!”
T, “There is always another way!”
H, “No there isn’t! The monsters around here?! You give them the slightest chance, and they will eat you, your family, and then go onto your fucking neighbors for desserts!”
T, “Then cure them! Or seal them away!”
H, “WE’VE TRIED THAT FOR CENTURIES, YOU SPOILED SHELTERED CHILD IN A MARE’S BODY! THE ONLY CURE FOR EVERY DAMN INFECTION LIKE THAT WE’VE FOUND THAT ACTUALLY WORKS IS TO KILL THEM!” Stomps hard enough the floor almost breaks. “AND DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW OFTEN I’VE HAD TO FINISH SOMEBODY ELSE’S FUCKING JOB BECAUSE SOME LAZY, SCARED TWIT JUST LIKE YOU DIDN’T HAVE THE BALLS To ACTUALLY SOLVE THE PROBLEM PERMANENTLY?!”
H, snarling, pulls T down to eye level, “And every time a dark fucking lord walks the waking world once more, or whatever?” Glare just inch away. “There’s another pile of bodies. Many who are so mangled, that the families doesn’t get any closure anyway.” Snarl. “And that is when those bodies don’t rise, and start hunting their own victims.”
T, clearly speechless.
H, “...Well? Go ahead. Tell me the worst thing you’ve gone up against… and since you so quite clearly failed the five-score crap doesn’t count.”
T, slaps H.
H, moving jaw, “Oh, what a darling little love tap!” Gut-punch that makes T fold. Snarling. “I could take over your waste of magic you call a country with a rotten spoon, and I’m the nicest damn monster you're likely to find on these damn shores!”
H, hoist up a crying T to eye level as if she was a rag doll, “I’ve burned things that used to be people and listened to their cries, because even they deserved at least that tiny bit of compassion! I’ve held children and lied to their faces they’ll be alright, just so that the pain before they die will be just a tiny bit less! I’ve had to use the only thing my mother actually left for me as a bludgeon to kill a man, whose only crime was that his bloodline was cursed by gods that were slightly insulted by one of his ancestors!” Slap. “I had a girl once! One I bought a damn ring for, and she was infected by vampires as a slight towards me!” Slap. “Because she followed my to the wrong party!” Punch. “I might never be able to be in the same room as my brother again, because our mom was raped by an incubus!” Punch. “My dad, the nicest man I’ve still ever met, was a penniless damn street magician! He spent his entire damn life making people happy and bringing wonder to children, and he died when I was fucking six in a crummy little trailer I could spit across even then!” Slams T against floor. “Two years later? I was adopted by what I thought was the second nicest man I’ve ever met!” Slam. “He tried to tear my mind apart and turn me into his enforcer when I was thirteen! I still can’t speak the official language of the actual magic users around here, because it was convenient for that bastard that I was kept dumb and barely educated!” Slaps. “And when I fled, he called a thrice-damned outsider on me! I had to banish it, kill my adoptive father with my magic because I didn’t have anything else that could do the job, and for years I thought my then girlfriend that was brain-battered by the man I called father had died in the following blaze!”
Throws the stunned T straight into the opposite wall.
“Then the damn white council, the closest thing this world has to good guys, showed and pulled me into custody for breaking the first law! I spent a day with a hood over my head, just barely understanding enough to know they were debating if they should cleave my head off my shoulders!” Punch wall. “And I was under the doom of Damocles until I was twenty-seven! I only got out of that because I nearly killed myself taking down a warlock that sold drugs that made the users insane! I still don’t know even why he did that, so for all I know it was because it simply amused that blackmagic addled fool!”
T, with two black eyes and crying again, “..:Rarity…”
H, snaps,
H, “My Name is Harry Blackstone Copperfield Dresden! I fucking dare you, you worthless pretender to power, to actually use that against me!” Rises, flames dancing all over her body. “Because you stand there and dare, dare to tell me I could have done better?! I’ve waded through seas of filth and corruption, just to fail to save the poor bastards not even the worthless damn gods of this world seem to care enough to even bother to notice, let alone reach down from their high places and save! I’ve stepped over the still warm corpses of my friends, just so that a public that thinks I’m a quack will actually live to see another day! I’ve had to chose which monsters get to prowl my streets, just because some of them are just barely restrained enough that the screaming piles of meat that used to be people they leave behind might just barely heal one day! I’ve bled, I’ve killed, I’ve burned; and all for people so deluded they refuse to accept that magic exist even after being mauled by real fucking monsters!”
Entire apartment except for tiny circles around the three ponies and mouse fills with ghostly flames. Twilight tries to reach through, only for her hoof to be burned.
h, hooves to heavens, “And I’d do it all again with a fucking smile on my face, because it might have been stupid, short-sighted, or even just plain the wrong thing to do, but I still did my fucking best with what I had! People with ten times my power, ten times my resources, ten times my skills and ten times as much to gain from aiding has run screaming from what I’ve seen and fought!”
The flames turn bluish white. To H the three ponies seem to shrink, and the flames all over her form turn black.
H, (All caps, royal voice in final version), “And you stand there, as my guest, claiming to be my friend, telling me to my face that a somewhat above-average if generous seamstress could have done all that better?!” Every bit of glass for a block shatters. Even Twilight covers her ears, while the guards just cry and start bleeding from the ears. “And you won’t even say my name while you dare do all that?!”
Twi, on three hooves, “Please, Rarity! We ca-”
H. hoof towards door, the thing basically flies of its hinges without a spell and a path opens in the flames, “Out! You naive, foolish, rude bastard! On my power, I never want to see you or your worthless kin for as long as I live!”
Twi, tears streaming thanks to the flames.
H, slowly raises hoof towards door, “Out...or burn.” H snaps hoof, flames jump forward about half the distance except around mouse. “Do not dare call this a bluff if you value your worthless, garish hides.”
Twi, to guards, “Go.”
#1 and 2 doesn’t even hesitate.
H, “Do not test me in this, Twilight Sparkle.”
Twi, wide-eyed, “N-no, please.”
H, points to door, all the flames but on her dies away, “Twilight Sparkle, I command you to leave. Go home, and do not return to this realm.”
Twi, hooves moving without her input, “No. No! Please, I’ve missed you so much! I looked for so long!”
H, not even a shred of pity, “Well, perhaps you should have tried being polite and show respect to the mare you actually found; instead of talking to the one that exist only in your worthless, empty head.”
Twi, look of pure defeat.
Twi, clearly spots one last chance.
Throws herself onto the floor. This slows her, but her shaking hooves continue to pull herself towards the door. “I’m sorry! I’m so, so sorry! I didn’t know, I swear!” Half point. Twilight clearly breaks. “I-I-I…”
Twilight’s head droops, limbs still pulling her, but even they seem to have lost their energy.
T, “...We faced so many dangers together. Did so much. Saved so many. Learned so many things… and then you all were just gone.” Clearly cost her something. “...I’m sorry, Dresden.” Tears enough to leave a thin trail. “But seeing her face, hearing her voice… and it coming out so wrong, as if a stranger was wearing… her hide. I’m sorry, it was wrong of me, but admitting that my friend is… gone, just hurt too much.”.Almost touching door. “I thought if I just… gently reminded you, that you might…” So low Harry has to Listen. “...remember me, and actually hug me back instead of just holding me as a… a.... a kindness.”
Twilight lost for words long enough she clears the threshold with her rump.
She grabs the frame with her wings and hooves.
Twi, clearly in great pain, “Please, I beg you. You’re the last bit of her that still lives.” Bones start creaking. “Please! I just wanted my friends back!”
H, “...Twilight Sparkle, be still.”
Twi, falls flat where she was.
H, walks forward on all fours, noticing how tiny Twilight seems, and how fitting those flames having turned her fur black is.
H, lifts her head, “And if I never show as much as a glimmer of her? If I use my magic to erase this face, to get my own back? Then what?”
Twi, closing and opening mouth
H, “What if you hate every last little bit of me, because all you can see is this utter perversion of the friend you lost? You can’t even say the word ‘kill’ without flinching, and you really expect us to find common ground morally? You cant stand me talking about one of my favorite foods, and you expect us to sit down and share a meal? As if my entire life never happened?”
Twi, eyes to floor, drip, drip.
H, “What if one of the many monsters I’ve whipped into a screaming frenzy through the dreadful crime of not bowing came tearing through that door right now? Because frankly? Your one of the softest girls I’ve ever met. I’ve met children that were cynical enough to make me flinch, and I frankly don’t expect you to live past next week if you try to stay here.”
Twi, biting lip, clearly trying but failing to counter.
H, leans down, “Because to be frank? The kindest thing as thing seem to me right now?” Pokes doorframe with hoof. “Would be to break all six of your limbs neat enough they’ll actually heal, and have your so called guards carry you home. Because that way? The girl with a innocent sparkle, pardon the pun, in her eye that cried from joy at seeing a long lost friend of hers? That girl might actually survive if I force you to tell me where your portal or whatever lays, and carry you there myself. Because one way or another, Twilight, if you stay here? That soft girl I frankly wouldn't have minded to get to learn a second time? She’s going to die in this world, because it is far too hard for somebody with the type of power you seem to have to survive here without hardening.”
Twi, “...You could come with me. I… I know now you don’t remember them, but… you’ve got family in Equestria.”
H, heart lurches.
Twi, “...I don’t know what your… human mother thinks of the current you, bu-”
H, “My mother is dead. Why would I have been adopted if I still had a mom?”
Twi, blinks, “...I’m sorry, I…” Tiny voice. “...I don’t know if it’s a stronger herd instinct or something, but we don’t have many orphanages in Equestria. I’m sorry, but… the idea of a foal going through… what you did, it’s… It’s the stuff of the type of horror stories the author gets sent to counseling for.”
Twi, forces a shaking hoof to touch H’s, “...It’s been twenty-five years in Equestria, but… your pony parents are still alive. They’ve gotten quite old, but they’re both alive.”
H, barely able to stop herself from squashing T’s head.
Twi, “You’ve got… a sister, as well. She managed to hide when Discord went crazy. We all thought her special talent would be singing, but… when you disappeared? She throw herself into magic as if possessed. She didn’t even stop when she got her cutie mark. We probably wouldn’t have been able to retune the… gateway, without her.”
H, “...That’s those flank emblems?”
Twi ,twitch, “Yeah… they’re… really important to us ponies.”
H, “And if she or they saw me right now?”
Twi, other hoof, squeezes H’s, “...Please, we can fix this.”
H, “And if I don’t want to be fixed? I’ve seen people with minds so broken there’s barely enough left to scream. It is not a good or even quick end. To be frank? I think you’ve been deluded by something or somebody. It’s the only way I can imagine how somebody that seems otherwise quite bright would believe that things will always work out.”
TWi, grip slackens.
H, “Tell me of this Discord.”
Twi, does so.
H, “And for all but destroying Equestrian society again, he was…?”
TWi, “...Me, Celestia, Cadance and Luna have been taking turns… fighting him.”
H, “...For twenty-five years?”
Twi, “...Yeah. It was the best we could think off without the Elements.”
H, “And he’s still going? After twenty-five years of fighting, day and night?”
Twi, “...He thinks it’s hilarious. I’m not even sure anymore if he snapped, or if it was… all a game to him.”
H, slow breath.
Twi, “...I don’t know what to do.”
H, kindly raises her chin, “Twilight… one of the hardest lessons I learned as a warden? Not everybody gets redemption. They get so drunk on power and corruption, that they will laugh in your face if offered it.” Shudder. “Sometimes the best thing, the only thing, you can actually give them? It is to sharpen your blade before you swing.”
Twi, stares, closes eyes and shudders.
H, “Are you really prepared to learn that lesson? Can you learn that lesson, without becoming a jaded wreck of the pony you used to be?” Steps closer, lays down. “Twilight Sparkle, I release you from your task.”
Twi, twitch.
H, pulls her into a deep hug, “Because if those two poor bastards I don’t know about? That girl with the braid and cowboy hat, as well as that cyan girl with the rainbow mane?”
Twi, “...Applejack and Rainbow Dash.”
H,nods, stroked Twi’s head, “If they follow the same pattern as… for me, Morcone and Rodrigez? They’re almost guaranteed to have learned that lesson…. if they still live, that is.”
Twi, sobbing, holds H tightly.
Twi, “...You really know Pinkie?” Dread. “...what...has she become?”
H, “Well, an utter pervert for start.”
Twi , “Wha…?”
H, “Another warden. Not as strong as me, but h- she’ have had my back since the day I met her. Crazy kid and far to obsessed with sex, but she’s a good type of crazy.”
Twi, crying even harder, “...That… That almost sounds like Pinkie.”
H, “Huh, guess one of us got lucky.”
Twi, sniffles.
H, “...No idea how, but somehow that crazy kid has managed to stay this cocky little thrill-seeker through all the nastiness these last years. And the worst bit, is that she’s such an utter joker despite it all you can’t help but like the wiseass.”
Twi, tiny but triumphant laugh.
H, feeling like a bastard, “Of course, that still leaves… Fluttershy.”
Twi ,goes silent.
H, “...I hate that bastard, I really do.”
Twi, “...You two used to be best friends.”
H, goes urk.
Twi, “...We were all friends, but… there was a slight paring to it. One other we clicked the best with, you know?”
H, forces himself to breathe and continue stroking, “...I see.”
Twi, “For me, it was Applejack. She… was just so easy to talk with, and always listened no matter how long-winded I got.” Beat. “..Not sure, but I think she really liked somebody that didn’t talk down to the farmer.”
H, “...Farmer?”
Twi, “...Yeah, apples. Best in Equestria.”
H, “Huh.”
Twi, “...I… I’m not sure about… Pinkie and RD. I think it was that they… were both jokers, and just… clicked, humor wise. Think it helped how unserious both could be.”
H, “...And.. me… and… her?”
Twi, “...Believe it or not, but Fluttershy… was, I guess, the shyest mare I’ve ever met. I think having a…”
H, “...You can say it.”
Twi, “Fashionista as a friend, with all that involved socially? She got a way to dip her hoof into all that, while having a trunk to hide behind.”
H, “...I see.”
Twi, “While… Rarity, got to have a… well, not quite, but an apprentice, almost. A beautiful mare, and with just some prodding she got to tease that out, bit by bit? Think that was it.”
H, “...I see.”
Twi, “...You two used to go to the spa once a week together. You barely hesitated even if snow and slate was scheduled.”
H, “...Scheduled?”
Twi, “...Huh, so this place really is the Everfree globally.”
H, fight down curiosity, “Not important right now.”
Twi, low, “...’kay.”
H, “...Why did you really come here?”
Twi, “...YOu mean… for you, or for… Discord?”
H, “...Yeah.”
Twi, “...Can’t it be both? The right, and the thing I wanted to do?”
H, bitter laugh, “You don’t get that choice very often in my experience. Sometimes you can give fate enough of a whack to pick a third one, but… most often? You have to pick.” Beat. “I’m sorry, I’d like to live in a world where you could truly have both those… but I don’t. If I don’t force you to pick? You won’t get that lesson in my arms, but in those of a vampire, a werewolf, or any other horrible type of nasty.” Deep breath. “...At least with my type of monster, part of you might live.”
H, spots fallen element, gently pushes it away.
H, “...I’m sorry, but…”
Twi, hesitates, pulls H so hard to herself she can barely breath. “...I missed you so much…”
H, pulls T close.
H, notices a flash in the corner of her eye.
H, “...Twilight?”
T, sniffling, “...Yeah?”
H, “I’m going to take a stab in the dark, but Luna wouldn’t happen to be a dark blue winged unicorn with a half-moon for her… ugh, emblem?”
T, goes very still.
H, “Because I got some type of dream message from her, but I luckily blocked almost all of it.”
T, “WHA-” Beat. “...Oh no.”
H, “Yeah… I don’t think we’d like her going raving mad, just because she doesn’t know how dangerous that is in this realm. I know you're… wounded and tired and… all that, but do you have any way of sending a message to her as quickly as possible?”
T, “#1!”
#!, extremely hesitatingly approaching, not taking eyes of H.
H, glare, “Put a sock in it, kid.”
#1, battle stance.
H, snorts, puffs hair away from eyes…
H, “Why the hell has my hair turned into possesed cotton-candy?!” Shoots to hooves, “And why is there a damn diamond on my hor-” Blink. “Hey, I’m tall again!” Hooves in air, goes who-hoo.
H, beat, “And I just got the privilege of refitting my entire damn wardrobe again.” Groans.
T, funny look.
H, “...This isn’t a standard pony thing?”
T, “...No.”
H, “....You know, I was just about to ask if it´s a good nonstandard pony thing, but knowing my rotten luck…”
T, opens mouth, closes mouth.
H, “I take it a certain unicorn dabbled in something she should not have…?”
T, “...More or less.”
H, deep groan, “Just lay it out on me. What’s the horrific price for the dreadful power of being able to see over a crowd again? Do I need to bathe in placentas? Drink stolen urine? My only substance, the kidneys of a drunk?”
T, “...I’m not quite sure, but I think you should be… fine by this world’s standards.”
H, “...Power without price? Now I know you’ve escaped from a bad Disney-movie…”
T, deep breath, clutching hoof, “Can we take the Nightmare 101 after I’ve gotten some medical attention?”
H, immensely guilty, “...Sorry, I’ll… go get the medical-kit.”
H, notices that Mouse is just short off high-alert.
H, hesitantly, “...We still good, boy?”
Mouse hesitates, but snorts.
H, “Aw, love you to.”
H, medical kit, spreads it in the air like a deck of cards.
#! and #2, clearly standing guard.
H, “Move.”
H, sighs, and lifts Twi like a sack of potatoes.
T, blushing like a small red lantern once in the kitchen.
H, “...Yes?”
T, “...”
H, bucket, “Here. Dip the hoof until it cools as much as possible.”
T, does so.
H, “So, while we wait for step one…?”
T, “...Your not… supposed to lift… most other ponies with your horn.”
H, “Why?”
T, “...Common foreplay among unicorns.”
H, “...What, just… janked up in the air, and thrown onto the bed? That sounds.. rather tame.”
T, “...Common sort of implies average.”
H, “Ah.”
T, “...Most don’t have the magic to do it as well, so it’s a… strenght thing.”
H, “So just like throwing somebody over your shoulder and drag them to bed. Got it.”
T, wince, “...What exactly were those flames?”
H, “i don’t have the foggiest. I was so angry I’m surprised this city-block is still standing, to be blunt.”
T, “...Oh.”
H, “So, the… Nightmare, you said?”
T, “There exists rare spirits that may bond with a host and basically becomes just another side of them… but they are creatures of disharmony and darkness, and as they grow stronger from that…”
H, “Most go co-co within moments?”
T, “...Yeah.”
H, “...Honestly not sure how I’ve dodged this for a whole week in that case.”
T, “...”
H, “...How’s the hoof?”
T, “...Alicorns are supposed to be completely fireproof.”
H; “...No fooling?”
T, “...You’ve gotten so strong in this place, I…”
H, pats her on the back, “More to life than power, kid. One of the hardest lessons for somebody with magic to learn, but that doesn’t make it less important.”
T, “...I’ve spent a quarter of every month the last quarter century fighting a mad god. How can I be the weak and naive one?”
H, hesitates, pats a bit gentler, “...I don’t like to admit it, but it sounds like that bastard is toying with you. If he pushed you far enough to actually stop the defencive stuff, and actually start trying tearing off his head? Then he might lose, and the fun little game would be over.”
T, shuddering breath.
H, “....So if Luna has some type of connection to the moon?”
T, lists the other princesses, looks at own flank, “...And I’m… supposed to be…”
H, “Yeah?”
T, “...Friendship.”
H, beat, winces from the heart.
T, “...We… Equestrians believe that magic is… that, in its purest form.”
H, “...Well, on the plus-side, that rather says a bit. Discord clearly seems to think you’re the greatest potential threat of the winged unicorns. Otherwise he’d probably done something t-”
Horrible silence.
H, “You don’t suppose, that the raising and lowering thing is due to… sabotage? Because they whiz around quite well on their own in this realm.”
T, slow gulp, “...I’ll… need to talk it over with Celestia and Luna.”
H, gently dresses the burn with salve.
T, wrinkled nose.
H, “Burn-cream. Don’t quite know the ingredients list, but it helps.”
T, “...”
H, “Those silences of your are a bit annoying, Twi.”
T, “...I’m… I used to live in this place called Ponyville.”
H, “...”
T, “I know the name is silly. Princess Celestia loves puns, and it’s one of her few indulgences.”
H, small laugh, starts wrapping.
T, “...The town more or less just… vanished. Overnight, thanks to… him.”
H, wince.
T, “...I’d made so many friends in that town.” Downcast. “...I’m so sorry, if I wasn’t so unused to just… talking, all this tonight might not have happened.”
H, pity.
T, “There’s just… so much to do. All the time! Ponyville was one of our commerce and transport centers, and… Sweet Apple Acres produced twenty percent of our apples.”
H, slow whistle, “Quite the number. Applejack must have had quite the staff under her for that.”
T, beaming smile, “Actually, it was her and her brother.”
H, pull the other one look.
T, smile falters, “...Both em them… were utter geniuses when it came to just apples. I’ve still no idea how they managed it, but they really did care for all those acres all by themselves.”
H, “...Huh, that’s…”
T, “...Can’t blame you. Even most earth ponies think its just a tall tale by now.
H, “...really? That’s the official name for the plain variant?”
T, “...It’s a linguistic remnant, ‘kay? You’re not supposed to talk about it.”
H, “...”
T, “...Equestria is… a very nice place, but it… wasn’t always.
H, finishing, “Don’t put any pressure on it, but the burn locked shallow to me. Don’t know how fast ponies heal, but on a human a couple of weeks and being careful would do.”
T, “...Weeks?!”
H, “...Don’t tell me ponies regenerate like lizards and are near invulnerable.”
T, hesitates, awkward smile and silence.
H, “...Huh.”
T, “...Look, we’ve mostly tamed our lands… but… we’ve got monsters to.” Thinking. “Look, I haven't read enough or seen enough about these lands to be certain… but from your descriptions it sounds as if you have many more ambush predators around here. In Equestria, most of the nasty stuff tends to be big and hulking. Manticores, hydras, tatzel worms… any of those sound familiar?”
H, “First two, but never seen either.”
T, nod, “Guess it stands to reason. Different evolutionary focus means different evolutionary pressures.” Beat. “You’re not supposed to tell them nowadays… but many of the tales old enough to not have sources? They tend to have something along the lines of: ‘And such was the dragon’s fury, that half the herd fell to dragon fire before the first screams could pierce the air…”
Beat.
T, “...Don’t like ‘em, but I’ve read many.”
H, “Ye Gods, you’ve got dragons brash enough to run around and just fry people?” Hooves shaking slightly. “I take every utopia joke back. Say what you want about the scaly damn horrors in this place, but most of them have gotten the message that doing that type of crap will lead to entire armies coming to kill them.”
T, faces. Many faces.
H, “What?”
T, “...I’ve got an adoptive little brother.” Beat. “And Spike had this puppy-love for… Rarity, that still hasn’t quite gone out.”
H, freaked, “...The old me let down a dragon gently and lived?”
T, “...Just what are dragons in this realm?”
H, “...Second best thing to immortal demigods. Not only the scales and fire thing, but each and every one of them is basically a walking ley line with a bad attitude.”
T, “...Ours aren’t.. .quite that bad.”
H, looking around, “What happened to the stooges?”
T, “...”
H, “...”
T; “I sent them both home with the message.” Guilt. “Seemed that would give them both the best chance of actually surviving.”
H, “...OK.”
H; “...You really have a dragon for a brother?”
T, “Complicated.” Fidgets. “...Somewhere between that and… son.”
H, “...”
Thomas slinks in, H barely hears him.
H, weakly, “...Hi, Thomas.”
Thomas, deep breath, “...Heard your place exploded.” Beat. “Again.”
Weak chuckle.
Thom, “...You’ve cut your hair or something?”
H, playing along, pats hair, “You know us wizards and our vanity.”
Thom, looking around, “Well, I’m not seeing any bodies. Just what exploded this time?”
H, hard slap on T’s mark, “Princess Twilight here didn’t have the whole story and was rather disappointed in the violent slob her forcefully reincarnated friend had turned into…” Toothy grin, entire apartment turns almost pitch black. “...and rather strongly implied I could have done so much better.”
Thom, slow breath, winces, “...Good on you for leaving the building upright, Harry. Nice to know your temper’s getting better.”
T, “...I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”
H, deep breath, light slowly comes back, “Anyway, that she was both naive enough to give me her Name and fought against when I used that to tell her to leave has rather convinced me she might actually be on the level with that.”
Thom, incredulous look, “...You used to be a pretty pony princess in your last life? Really?”
H, “And I haven’t even mentioned how I, Twi here and four other plucky mares apparently used to fight the forces of mean using friendship yet!”
Thom, slow shake, “Only you, Harry, only you.”
T, “...You’re the b-”
H, hoof over her mouth, to a predatory still Thomas, “I’m sorry, Thomas. I got so angry I just started listening every bit of crap I’ve had to deal with, and… the incubus thing slipped.”
Thom, frown, “...Not the other one?”
H, looks away, “...My fear of the combination of the two.”
Thom, beat
Darts into toilet at supernatural speeds to puke his guts out.
H, “...Huh.”
Twi, gently moves hoof, clearly wants an explanation.
H, “...The relations between the white council and the incubuses, AKA the white court, are… complicated. The wrong person on either side finds out we’re brothers? At best, they’d force us to spy at each other. At worst?” Hoof over throat. “Prove our loyalty.”
Twi, crestfallen look again.
H, “...I beg you, if anybody asks? THen… he isn’t my brother, just… an alay I have to be weary off. We clear?”
Twi, slow nod, “...Dresden?”
H, “..Friends call me Harry.” Beat. “...You get to call me Rarity, if you want.”
Twi, teary eyed again.
Hugs!
Thom returns, pissed, but it fades as he sees the two. Twi still crying.
Thom leans against the doorway.
H, “...I’m sorry, I should have thought better of you.”
Thom, “yeah, you should have.”
H, weak laugh.
Thom, “Honestly, Harry… my whole shtick is that I’ve got standards…. and you. I don’t do horses, and I don’t do family, so what in all the hells made you think I’d jump at the combo?”
H, brittle smile, “...Because my life always seem to turn as bad as it can at every opportunity, and losing you like that sounded like the most horrible thing that could happen.”
Silence.
Thom, “Oh, Harry…”
Hugs.
Thom, “So… what’s up with the evil shampoo commercial part of the look?”
H, “Apparently a certain unicorn dabbled in the dread art of eating bad vibes…”
T, sigh, “Are you always like this? Is the sarcasm really necessary?”
Thom, goes still, “...You… get stronger from… bad stuff?”
H, “...Apparently.”
Thom, “...Wow, that… sorta explains it all, really.”
H, “And what do you mean by that?”
Thom, “How you always seem to have a AAA card to play when we’re surrounded by the evil of the week, even if you’ve been playing the A one for days.”
H, “...Well, that’s… Huh.”
thom, “I’m going to be honest here, Harry. That is so damn unfair I don’t even have words.”
h, without hesitation, “Trade ya’ if we could. You know that, right?”
Thom, slow shuddering breath, “You and your martyr complex…”
Silence. H pretends not to notice the wetness on her neck… or Twi bawling far subtler.
Thom, “...Four others, you say?”
H, “...One of them turned out to be… ugh, Marcone.”
Thom, “Wow, did you piss on the grave of Tyche in that last life of yours, or something?”
H, beat, to Twi, “...Any luck gods among the list of bad things that needed a whack…?”
TWi, “...Not that I know of. Guess Discord could count depending on how you see chaos, though.”
Many faces are had.
Murphy shows, takes one look around, facepalms, “...Harry?”
Yeah?”
“Would it really be too much to ask that for once I hear something weird has happened at your place, and it turns out that your pet wooly mammoth has caught a car? You know, something normal and sane like that?”
Offended sounding whoof.
Murph, “So, what happened?”
H, deadpan, “Apparently, I’m the previously cursed reincarnation of a pretty pony princess.”
Murph, level look.
H, “Then her Highness Twilight here punched through the veils of reality itself to come find her friend, and not having all the information on the violent slob her friend had turned into, more or less said I could have done so much better.”
Murphy, loud whince.
Twi, “I said I’m sorry. I said I didn’t know.” Holds up hoof. “Do you really want more?”
H, slow breath, “I’m sorry if it hurts, Twilight… but it’s the truth, and I’m not going to lie to my friends.”
Twi, “...OK.”
H, “...Sorry about the sarcasm, but… it’s a me thing. I didn’t mean to be mean about it, but… joking about things just… works for me. Makes them hurt less.” Humorously. “That, and quite a lot of the baddies around here has entire rolodexes just to keep track of their pride stockpiles. You throw a quip at them? They’ll run screaming at you… and whatever nasty little spell you’ve prepared.”
Thom, “If it makes you feel better? I think everybody he knows has punched Harry in the face at least once.”
H, sticks out tongue at him.
Twy, “..Really?”
Murphy and Thomas raises hands… and Mouse a paw.
H, “Et tu, Mouse? Et tu?”
Growl of a caged tiger.
H, “...Alright, enough moralizing and philosophizing.” Beat, looks down. “Belive I’m a bit undressed for eating out, though.”
H, hesitaes, looks at Twi.
H, trots out, “Give me a hour or so, I’ll make a few calls, and I’ll… whip something up.”
Twi, near radiant smile.
H, feels something stirring in chest.
“Arg!”
H, falls over own hooves.
H, blink, ‘only’ Rarity again, “Oh come on! My bloody kryptonite in that mode is happy thoughts?!”
Thom, smirk.
Murphy, punch on shoulder.
H, “Thank you.”
H, beckons Twi, “Wasn’t kidding about the nudity taboo, Twi.” Beat. “...Tell you what, you get to pick something. If I’ve got enough cloth, I’ll… make it.”
Twi, teary eyed flying tackle.
H, flinches, but forces self to stand firm.
Twi, stops mid-air, “...Oh, sorry.”
H, slow breath, “...Might be… healthier with slower hugs around here, Twilight.” Awkwardly. “...I know you’re just… happy, but…” Sigh. “I’m so, so sorry, but I’ve only really have one instinctive response nowadays for something… not human, launching itself at me.”
Twi, neutral.
H, “...Sorry, meant ‘herself.’”
Twi, forced smile, lands, “...I… think I get it.”
H, thinking, No you don’t, and I think it’s going to get you killed… or worse.
Twi, smile even more forced, as if she heard it.
H, “...Let’s go.” Trots away.
H, “I can’t believe you talked me into this…”
Twi, smile, “Hey, you said I could pick whatever… not a word I had to wear it.”
Thom and Murph, snickering.
H, is wearing the pony version of a little black dress.
H, blush.
Twi, “Honestly, I don’t see the dreadful thing here. Shoot, if I had your teats and marehood, Rarity, I wouldn’t even bother with regelia.”
Chirp-chirp.
Twi, clearly exasperated, “Really? Really, really? Talking about attached bodyparts is this beyond the pale around here?”
H, near red, “It isn’t called a taboo because it’s a lightly ingrained thing, Twilight…”
Twi, firmly but kind voice, “Well, perhaps now you know why I get my tail in a knot over all this talk about violence as a first solution…”
H, doesn't like it, but sees the point.
Murph, “...So, if a dress bothers you so much… why that slip of cloth?”
H, “Because if I’m going to walk out my door and look like a poster child for really wierd porn, I’m going to do so while looking like a fabulous poster child for weird porn.” Pokes temple. “Besides… oink, oink.”
Thom, “Ten bucks says somebody with that fetish flusters Harry here into turning tomato red before the night is over.”
Murph, “Not taking that bet, not in this town.”
H, stops mid step, “Really? Unicorns in dresses?”
Twi, tiny voice, “Actually, if you want to get pony cat-calls, you should have gone for socks and a saddle.”
Chirp-chirp.
H, “...And?”
Twi, giggles like a loon.
H, tries picturing a woman in that, “Don’t think I get that one. At all.”
Twi, scratching at the hoodie and jeans H modified, “But seriusly, is all this necessary? Can’t I just use my regalia? I picked the light ceremonia stuff for a reason.”
H; “That ‘light ceremonial stuff’ could probably buy half this town, if you can find an actual buyer for it.”
Twi, “...Wha…? But it’s just some gold and amethysts!”
H, hushes her, “Yes, and that is enough to construct several mansions around here. Amethysts that size? Near da- rn unique, let alone rare.”
Twi, opens mouth, blink, “Oh right, I… I keep forgetting how little magic you guys have.”
H, “What? Magic causes gem buildup in Equestria?” Tilts head. “Sure beats frying stuff as a side-effect, I’ll grant it that.”
Twi, “...Did you really have to bring your… what did you call them, foci?”
H, hmms.
twi, “No offence, but it rather ruins the image.”
H, “I’ve got enemies, Twilight. Enemies that doesn’t care about something as minor as a species slash gender change.”
Twi, “...Couldn’t you… you know, just use your horn?”
H, “Haven’t done nearly enough tests to be certain it’s safe with my type of magic… and given that it’s attached to my skull I’d rather not risk blowing this particular focus up.”
Twi, frowns, “...Makes sense, I guess.”
H, “You're not saying something again.”
Twi, “...I’m sorry, but… I’m still reeling a bit from users of unic- overt magic that doesn’t have to do with weather that doesn’t use a horn.” Beat, looking at H. “...Let alone a unicorn that… prefers bits of wood, of all things.”
H, shrugs.
Twi, “...I guess we know where many of the unicorns ended up, at least. Might be a good reason alone for making contact with that council of yours.”
H, “Actually, I think I’m one of the few that ended up a unicorn in that place.”
Twi, jaw to navel.
H, “Rodriguez new boy-toy’s one, though.” Tilts head. “Wonder if she might try teaching him, come to think about it?”
Twi ,”...Rodriguez?”
H, blinks, “Oh right, never said how I knew… what’d you call her, Pink?”
Twi, “...Somepony… made Pinkie a mage?”
H, “...Well, yeah?”
Twi, mane goes spring, laughs like a mad woman.
H, “...Think I’m missing something here, Twi. What’s so bad with Pinkie knowing magic?”
Twi, calms… barely.
Twi, describes some of Pinkie’s impossible things.
H, “...Damn, somepony that could step through mirrors, and she didn’t get fought over by the mages? Just because she doesn’t have a horn? No offence, but Equestria sounds a bit discriminatory about stuff like that.”
Twi, fumes.
H, “Same pony, same abilities, but add a pointy bit on her head. What would you’ve said if you’d learned that was raw magical talent?”
Twi, blinks, chews lip.
H, “Yes…?”
Twi, “...I’d taken that pony on as my apprentice myself.” Weakly. “...On the spot.”
H, “There you go then.”
Twi, “...”
H, “Perhaps a program to consider instigating once back home…?”
Twi, deep in thought.
Murph, “...To hell with it.” Leans over. “Just what do you hope gain from Harry?”
H, not even pretending she’s not listening.
Thom, “Second.” Beat. “...Well, that and this world.”
Twi, hesitates, but retells the story.
H, “Pretty pony princess that fought the forces of mean with good vibes.” Turns head. “Told ya’”
Beat.
Murph, “So what’s your angle, Harry? No offence, but I’ve seen that cold gleam before. You get it just before you’re about to go full bastard.”
H, slow breath, “I’m severely thinking of giving Twilight here one last pleasent evening with Rarity… and then make her go home.”
Twi, crestfallen.
H, “She’s supposedly second best thing to her kingdom’s black-ops high-command.” Both humans give Twi a really odd look. “And she went up to me, and introduced herself using her Name. That magic can be a thing of horror and suffering doesn’t even seem to enter her world-view. She flinches if you say the word kill.”
Twi, flinch.
H, “I don’t think there would be anything left but a screaming crater of Equestria if it tries to make contact with our world. And I.. simply can’t imagine choosing that world, if I have to make that choice.”
Twi, “...We need you, Rarity.” Beat. “I know you don’t quite believe me yet, but… the Elements? We… we used to be examples to everypony.”
H, “And if this particular exemplar returns, only to teach the generosity of ‘if all of you won’t do it, then I’ll get my own hooves dirty…?’ The kindness of the executioner’s axe being as sharp as it may? What if I scrape together every man, woman and child that owns loyalty to me, and throw near all of them… away, just to make sure that nobody will ever again suffer at that bastard’s hands?”
Beat.
H, “...Because you can barely seem to listen to my honestly discuss how to solve this problem.”
Beat.
H, “...Can’t think of one for laughter. There’s just not… anything funny about all this.”
Thom, “You’ve always do your best quips under fire, Harry. Sarcasms’ technically humor.”
H, chuckles despite herself, “There you go then. Think it might sadly be a good example for what I’m trying to say, but…”
Twi, quietly, “...Really? Mock the ghosties, until they go away?”
H, thinks it was a odd way to phrase it, “Ghosts doesn’t tend to react well to talking at all. Better to just banish the twisted ones quickly, and ignore the ones that are just sad remnants.”
H, noticing the look of pure horror on Twi’s face, “Ghost aren’t the people they look like. Nobody knows what happens hereafter around here, not even the really old and potent nobody’s that has spent centuries looking into it.” Rain. “They’re just… memories and magic that have lingered.”
Twi, “...That’s supposed to be better? Echos of minds, and they just… fade or linger?”
H, shrug, “Know a ectomancer that’s a decent if cowardly sort. He tends to dive into the deepest hole he can as soon as the wind blows the wrong way, but even I’ll admit he’s an utter genius in that field.” Reluctantly. “He can barely light a candle from what I’ve understood… but spirits? He can make those all but dance.”
Twi, brow furrows, “...But the…?”
H, “It’s one of those razor-thin lines you don’t cross things. Ecctomancy deals with the dead willing to serve, while necromancy… well, you can imagine.” Tilts head. “I honestly don’t know if a willingly premortem sold corpse would be kosher or not. I don’t think anybody has ever argued that line with the council.”
Silence, Twi deep in thought.
H, “Could introduce you to him, if you like. Mortimer has his flaws, but he’s got a solid core to him. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind explaining it better than I can.”
Twi, brow furred, looking really worried.
Thom, “Think somepony has heard about Sue, Harry.”
H, “Loophole, animals doesn’t count. Only hu- sapient creatures with a soul.” Fierce grin. “Now normally, the power-hungry twits don’t bother with animals, because they have less of an ‘echo’ to them and give far less powerful zombies.”
Twi, “...So why the… t-rex?”
H, near perverted smile, “Because the older the body, the stronger the zombie.” To twi with twinkle in eye. “Minus a hundred, plus sixty-five million? Not too shabby math, right?”
Twi, deep breath, “...I don’t think Discord had any idea what this world would turn you into.”
H, frown.
H, looking at the road and rain, “...A honest question, Twilight?”
Twi, weakly, “...Yes?”
H, “What do you think about me? Not as the creature wearing your friend’s face as a mask, but me?”
Twi, “...I think you are the most generous person you could have possibly have been in this world.”
H, chuckle, “Now there’s damning with faint praise if I’ve ever heard it.”
Twi, “...Is there a reason we’ve passed that same burger joint ten times?”
H, “Thomas here’s rather protective of me. It’s no doubt his oh so subtle way of seeing how you slash I act when hungry and trapped in a small moving box.”
Twi, “..Ah.”
H, “...Thought you said cows are freakin’ citizens in Equestria…?”
Murphy and Thom, shares odd look.
Twi, grimace of disgust, “Thank you, I’m not going to be able to eat my favorite food for a bit. Just so you know.”
H, “No, seriously, if not meat, just what…?”
Twi, “There’s seriously no hay in this world?”
Chirp-chirp.
h, “...Was about to protest, but grass wasn’t half ba-”
TWi, “YOU ATE WHAT?!”
H, wince and swirls ears, “i tried a small tuft, OK? I got curious and I thought I might as well get a interesting experience that didn’t involve my sex-organs turning inside out.”
Twi, slow breath, “...”
H, “Grass is taboo? Seriously?”
Twi, “It’s… last resort stuff. The type of poor and downtrodden we don’t have anymore, type stuff.”
H, “...And? No offence, but I have a hard time imagining that the ‘the world is made of tasty’ stage of childhood wouldn’t apply to the lawn, for a foal, if you follow…”
Twi, blush, “...There is a… baby-food aspect as well, yes…”
H, “But drying the stuff suddenly turns it into a staple in the kitchen?”
Twi, “And if you got offered two carrots, one cleaned and the other still with dirt and bugs on it…?”
H, “Point.”
H, sees BK whips past for the eleventh time, “A particular reason we keep passing that fast-food joint, Thomas?”
Thom, tiny sigh of relief, “Yes.”
H, “Isn’t me turning into a unicorn mare and saying ‘to Mac’s, because I need a beer’ good enough a tell?”
Thom, kindly, “...Everybody knows about you and Mac… Harry.”
H, blinks, “...Huh.”
Thom, clearly lets go of the wheel a bit.
H, “...Thanks for looking out for me. That was… a bit too subtle frankly, but clever.”
H, hesitates, to Twi, “Not my thing, but they have vegetarian fare as well.” Beat, reluctantly. “Probably better than Mac, even. Can’t say I’ve bothered memorizing that bit of the menu, but pub food and veggies don’t usually serve as synonyms around here.”
Twi, “...Sure.”
H, pictures a ball pit full of children going very, very still… before charging, “I think the party with two pastel unicorns will survive for longer if we go the take-out route.”
Twi, google eyed.
H, “Not like that. Place like that? Dozen and dozen of kids.” Slight smile. “Clingy, smelly, messy kids… and everyone of them will probably want a ride on the pretty unicorn ponies.”
Twi, “...Oh.” Weak smile. “Sounds… messy but adorable.
H, hesitates, “...We’d probably make their decade, but…”
Twi, “...But?”
H, “Associating magic with light and fluffy kindness from strangers without any strings attached around here?” Ears to skull. “Just doesn’t end well.”
H, deep sigh.
Twi, “...You like f- children?”
H, “...Everybody has a weakness.” Closed eyes. “And things around here love weaknesses. You tear into them, and the pesky mortal that keeps insulting you by not dying make such pretty sounds…” Grinding teeth loud enough it echos slightly in the car. “And young meat is always more tender as a bonus.”
Twi, “...Oh, Rarity.”
H, “...I hate to admit it. Not an exaggeration even, I hate it…” Deep shuddering breath. “But I don’t think I could have kids in good conscience. I’ve just kicked far too many ant-hills in my days.”
Flash of faces. Susan. Luccio. Whatever that kid he grew up with was named.
H, “...Did… Rarity have anypony? You know, romantically? You didn’t answer me before.”
Twi, clearly near tears, “...Rarity was… an utter romantic, but… she just never found that… special somepony.”
H, “Special somepony? I’m sorry, but that’s adorable.”
Twi, flicker of irritation, “Is that how you see everything Equestrian?”
H, tilts head, “...Sadly, more or less. You’ve got a sun goddess, a moon goddess, a love goddess and a magic goddess? That all somehow has stayed on the path of goody-good?” Tired. “And the big bully, drunk on chaos magic? That have ruined millions of lives? Pooling your powers and killing that is supposed to be a moral event horizon?” Shake of head. “I’m sorry, but I can’t even humor that on a devil’s advocate level. Putting that one guilty life before so many other innocents is just... absurd to me.”
Murphy and Thom, clearly agreeing.
H, “It’s the type of stuff you see in a sketch. The factory worker runs back into the exploding rusty needle factory, past the maternity ward, past the museum of one hundred and one unique and irreplaceable things, past the line of rosy-cheeked school-children there on a field-trip… all to save the broken coffee machine?” Shake. “I’m sorry, but it’s true.”
Twilight is horrified that she gets the analogy.
H, “...Hey, counter-offer to what you said before. Why don’t you stay here?”
Twi, splutters.
H, “Just because you’ve got a hard side, doesn’t mean you can’t be soft; you just have to pick the time and place for it. That power you’ve got pouring out? Most things with your power-level have all these restrictions in this place. Restrictions that make them either the next best thing to monsters in their own right… or useless. You could be a beacon in this place, if you play your cards right.”
Looking out.
H, “And isn’t that what you need in a dark place? A light, showing you the path?”
Long silence. Long enough for BK to pass by a 12th time.
H, look at Twi’s hip, “...A guiding star, if you want to be poetic about it.”
deep silence.
H, “Turn in next time we pass, OK? I’m as fond of navel-gazing as the next guy, but I’d rather continue this with food in my belly.”
Does so.
Twi decides on a half-dozen fish burgers plus fries to Harry’s amusement.
Tw, “Fish doesn’t count.”
H, “...”
Twi, “Look, I need the fat and protein, kay?” Deep sigh. “And if I need to eat something I’ve seen Fluttershy have two-way conversations with? I’d rather it be the ones who kept saying ‘Food! Food!’ according to even her.”
Three carnivores, horrified.
twi, “...Not sure if they’re really that clever or if it was… mental shorthand for her animal talent, but I’d rather not lay awake at night about it.”
H, “...Got it.”
H hesitates, but goes for similar sized number of whoppers… and a kid’s meal.
H, crowns herself with great ceremony.
Murph, “Coveting the burger throne, are we, me Lady?”
H, horrified look, “Oh God, you just had to ruin the Burger King joke for me, did you?”
H sulks and starts shoveling food down her gullet.
Twi, clearly pleasantly surprised by her burgers.
H notices the fries tasting a bit better than normal. Thinks she’s forgetting something, but can’t think about what.
Muches happily away…
Twi tries one, gags and swats the pack H was holding out of her hoof.
H, “Hey! What was that for?”
Twi, clearly a bit worried, “How much did you eat of that?!”
H, “...Three?”
Twi, deep sigh.
H, “No, wait, four servings.”
Twi, goes still.
H, giggles.
Twi, “Oh buck…”
H, “Oh dear, I forgot about the salt thing you told me, didn’t I?”
Twi nod.
Murph, “Spill it. What did Harry just do to hi- herself?”
Twi, “Drunker than a guard posted near the sea, I think.” Frowning at fries. “I’ve been served licks with less salt in them then those fries.”
H, finally gets it, “Oh! A lick! It’s just like a drink, but stupid!” Laughs herself silly.
Murph, clearly disbelieving, “...Salt’s an intoxicant for… you ponies?”
H, muches a few more.
Twi gently pulls them away, and puts a burger in their place.
Thom, “Only you, Harry. Only you.”
H, snort, “Please, I’m not drunk.” Pomphs hair, does her trillest ‘lady’ voice. “A La~ady gets inhibited!”
Falls down laughing at her own joke.
Notices sob from Twi.
H, rises on unsteady legs, goes over, “Spill it.”
Twi, “...Rarity… really did consider herself a lady.”
H; just stares for a few moments, pulls her into a hug.
H, petting, “We’ll punch that twit so hard he craps teeth, ‘kay? Then we'll punch the meanies around here so hard they crap theirs. And then we clean up the mess, so nobody cuts their feet or hooves on all the crap filled with teeth.”
Twi, weak laugh.
H, hugs tighter, “I’m sorry I’m not who you came for… but I can’t bring the Rarity you remember back.”
Twi, hug tightens.
H, “...What I’ve seen so far? You’re too good for this world, Twilight. Don’t let me or any other of the things lurking in the dark around here take that from you.”
Twi, “...Aw, Rarity, I do-”
H; pukes all over her back and wings.
H, “Oh God, I’ve turned into…´” Groan. “...a cheap date! I’ll never live this down!”
H, groan.
Twi, pats her, if with a forced smile on.
Twi, “...So, now that your good and drunk. Too good and drunk to lie consivably… what do you really think about… me and Equestria.”
H, pats her on head, “You're so cute when you think I’m bluffing.”
H, big wide grin,”Hey, lets just go tear Discord’s head off. If he’s even half as naive as you are, I don’t think he’d see an actual counter-attack coming in a million years!”
Twi, goes still.
H, “Heck, I’ve even got some favors I could call in.”
Twi, “...Like?”
H, “This dude called The Hellhound. Scariest damn assassin I’ve ever met!” Conspiratorial whisper. “If anybody can blow Discord’s brains out from five kilometers away with an enchanted anti-material rifle, or something? That dude’s it.”
Twi, pale, “...How exactly did you…?”
H, growl, “These worthless bastards I call the nickel-heads went an’ kidnapped the girl he’s normally the bodyguard off.” Wicked grin. “Still, I got her out!”
Thom, picking her up like a ragdoll… if with a groan, “Think that’s enough, Harry. Your spilling secrets here.”
H; “...Just a pity about Michael.” Sigh.
Thom, “Yeah…” Beat. “Haven’t written to Ivy in a while. Think the darling would want a unicorn ride?”
H, beat, “I’m sure she’d love it, Harry.”
H, makes THom drop her,
Ivy? Harry here. Just thought I’d give a heads-up on that I’ve gotten the pony thing that’s going around.
Sketch of face.
Just so you’ll recognize me next time. Love, Harry.
Hesitates.
P.S. Apparently this prick named Discord, The God of Chaos is behind it all.
Don’t want to ask this via you, but does Kinsid’s favor cover deicide?
Thom’s phone rings.
H, big smile, “Hi, Ivy.”
Ivy, “...Only you, Harry.” Sounds. “Kinsid says ‘no’ by the way, but he’d be willing to have it serve as a discount.”
H, “Darn.”
Ive, “...Next time I’m in Chicago, could I…”
H, “Of course dear. For as long as you like.” Blush. “Even things like ribbons and stuff. You’ve more than earned it.”
Ivy, squee.
H, tears, “...Sorry about this when I’m… like this, but I…”
Ivy, sternly, “Harry, do you really think I haven’t heard worse than an intoxicated friend wanting some normalcy?”
H, tears, but small laugh.
Ive, clearly hesitates, “...Harry… the Archive got a whole new… wing, you could call it. Just a few days ago. I’m not quite sure yet why or how, but whatever Princess Twilight and the others did? It formed some type of at least semi-permanent connection between the two worlds.”
H, pearks ears.
Ivy, “...And Twilight Sparkle is telling the truth.”
H, feels the bottom fall out of her stomach.
Ivy, “...I’m sorry, but… there really was a Rarity, and she’s… on several casualty reports.”
H, “...Thank you, Ivy. I…” Loss for words. “...You’re a better friend than i probably deserve. Thank you, for listening.”
Ivy, big yawn.
H, mortified, “Oh, sorry, were y-”
Ivy, “Yes, and no, even with Kencid frowning I don’t care. You make sure you sober up and take care, OK?”
H, crying slighlty harder, “Thanks.”
Ivy, click.
H, to Thom, “...Thanks.”
Thom, “...that number is supposed to be totally unlisted.”
H, smile.
Twi, “...Who and what was that.”
H, explains the archive… and its host.
twi, “...Everything?”
H, “...And she’s not even old enough to vote, yes.” Bitter laugh. “Think she’s deserved a few ribbons and pony rides, yes.”
And there you go! Mad props for anybody crazy enough to read this far. 
Anyway, feel good to show this off. Especially since it's a concept that wasn't abandoned as such, but where I could tell I was on to something and reworked it into an actual prototype instead. This being Mark 0.5 if you will, wherein the 'Law Breaking Prototype' was the Mk 1.0, if you will.
Still think, and I've mentioned it in the comments over at Dark Horse, but I think the idea of an alternative universe take on Dark Horse where the ponies were/are more amicable if tragic, and with Rarity instead of Fluttershy, has quite a lot of potential.
Might happen one day when Dark Horse is finished, even, but will probably take quite a while.
