Following the events of the Black Mesa incident, Corporal Adrian Shephard was suspended in time by the G-Man, for later use. But the marine isn’t needed anymore thanks to Dr.Freeman surpassing G-Man’s expectations. So what to do with him now?
Following the events of the Black Mesa incident, Corporal Adrian Shephard was suspended in time by the G-Man, and left on the Proverbial Shelf for later use. But the poor, lone marine isn’t needed anymore, thanks to Dr. Gordon Freeman surpassing G-Man, and his employers expectations after the events of Half Life 2 Episode 2.
So the question is, what to do with him now?
With an undying urge to make it back home to see his family again, how far will the marine go to achieve his goal in this new equine world?
A lone enigmatic figure dressed in a gray-blue suit walks forward through the black endless void of time and space. With a briefcase firmly secured in his right hand, he moves at a steady and unhurried pace as he slowly approaches the only light visible in this vast emptiness, whilst his footsteps echo out into nothing for nobody to hear. Beneath this solitary light stands another man, a man that this individual in the suit has had dealings with before, a long time ago. The man beneath the light was facing away from him, his back turned as he stood there frozen. Feeling a rush of nostalgia wash over himself upon seeing the man beneath the light, the suited figure smiles, it had been a while since he had seen him, he would dare say he missed him.
The man stops walking as he enters the light and begins to speak in a raspy, almost distorted voice, with a low, eerily calm tone. A raspy voice that would send shivers down the spine of anyone who had the displeasure of being in his presence.
“Corporal Adrian Shep-hard... we meet, once again. I do hope you haven't embraced the thought of me abandoning you, even though my...absence might have led you to that hypothesis. But, even you, a man of great optimism and con-vic-tion wouldn’t dare forget about me? Of course, I do heavily apologize for my… ab-sence without leave, but a great deal of matters had me… preoccupied at the moment. The unfortunate reality is that these sort of matters needed my... fullest attention. I hope you can understand my... friend,” The suited figure walked around the man and stood in front of him, with a smile now across his lips.
“I must disclose to you Shephard… I always had a fascination with individ-uals that could survive and adapt against all odds, they rather remind me of myself, in more ways than one. This includes you of course, coinciding with your mental conviction, your strength truly knows no bounds. Which is why I had argued to preserve your...skills for a time in which your… civil duties, could be used again to benefit… us,” He closed in on the frozen man and spoke more as he brushed the man's shoulder with his free hand dusting him off slightly, like a canned goods inside a kitchen pantry.
“...but… as much as it pains me to say this, your abilities, skills, and mental aptitude, are no longer required. It would appear your able-bodied colleague Dr. Gordon Freeman proved to be an overly capable candidate and assistant in the fields of mass removal of… unwanted characters. Of course we, I... cannot let you interfere with future plans that me and my employers have set in motion. Therefore instead of keeping you around, they feel it is necessary to discard you. But, I'm not going to grant you the obvious removal method, which would be your termination. Despite what you may believe, I'm not that… cold hearted, unlike my employers,” The man adjusted his tie and his head slightly, before dusting his own suit off and talking once more after taking a deep, asthmatic breath.
“Instead, I am going to release you from your detainment, along with many others we needed to… preserve... for the same reason you were kept around. You, unfortunately, are going to be sent away from our playing field, to a place that offers little to no significant value to us and our objectives. You, and others like you, were a fail safe, just in case Dr. Freeman couldn’t get the job done. It was imperative for our operations that a backup was on standby, I know you can understand the security of it, corporal. Of course this doesn’t mean I'm going to stop keeping an eye on you… It just means that for now…” The man took a step back and smiled a bit brighter as he spoke.
“I will return you to your human temptations, to a place where you need… no discretion,” With a couple waves of his hand saying goodbye to his old friend, the frozen man disappeared in front of him and the light above went out while more behind him turned on in a series of flashes one after the other, each light highlighting something or someone else. This was going to take a long while for the lonely bureaucrat, luckily he liked his job.
With a massive gasp, my lungs filled with air. I rocketed upward into a sitting stance, my eyelids opening up as I regained control of my body. Blinding light shined through my gas mask lenses catching me off guard as my eyes burned from the brightness. I squinted and winced hard from the luminosity as it blinded me with its hot white glow. My left hand reacted swiftly and came up to shield my eyes as they adjusted slowly to this new radiance. I grumbled obscenities and groaned while I slowly pushed myself up from the ground so that my feet could stand on their own again while having them feel the weight of my body once more. I stretched myself out with my eyes shut and adjusted my stiff neck, I heard it crack and snap as I twisted it from side to side.
I wasn’t sure how long I was stuck in that black hell, but I knew it was for quite a long while. I knew this without a doubt, despite the fact that I didn’t feel any older regardless of the obvious passage of time, and the toll it had taken on my body. Existence in the void seemed to move differently than it would in real space, yet time still ticked. It progressed in such a way that I'm sure I couldn’t properly describe it in a single sentence, maybe at all given the opportunity. It felt as if it warped it’s essence around me and drowned my senses in complete null, rendering me out of reality. But even that is beyond my comprehension. I was sure of one thing above all else, being alone there was the absolute worst. I was alone with only my thoughts as company while I stared off into that black abyss of nothingness.
The void made me go a bit stir-crazy when I was left alone with no one to talk or listen to. While I floated there in it, it was just myself, with only my warped thoughts for company. The depravity and debauchery my brain subjected me to while I had nothing better to do was truly terrifying. At first I tried to keep track of time near the beginning of my entrapment there but eventually, I figured there was no point to counting the hours anymore.
And when I came to that conclusion I was truly lost, not only in the void with my body floating in a black empty space between universes. But I was lost in my mind, with nothing but my thoughts to keep me occupied while also keeping time moving forward. My brain power was my only lifeline during my detainment.
But regardless of all that, it was nice to feel the warm embrace of daylight again. I could tell just by the warmth on my skin and the overall welcoming presence this feeling had, that it was a moderately warm spring afternoon. Maybe summer? Unfortunately I couldn't tell at the moment because my pupils weren't adjusting to this lovely day, and were getting over exposed every time I tried to open them up. My eyes stared into that damn void for so long that I swore this sun felt too bright. It was like it was being magnified somehow, as if I was an ant underneath a bullies spy glass. But I knew that was preposterous, this wasn’t some cartoon or something similar, I also knew that it wasn’t healthy to go from one extreme to another like I was now. That is how one goes blind after all. Hell I felt blind at the moment while I worried that this might be permanent as the moment continued to pass. I tried many times to open my eyes and everytime I did it felt like someone was taking a pair of daggers and shoving them into my retinas. So for this brief moment I was only going off sound, I would try and listen to the things around me, trying to hear anything that might strike me as hostile, or familiar if my rabbit's foot was handy.
I drew my sidearm with my dominant hand while I kept my other hand in front of my mask. I would with great difficulty, continue to try and gradually filter the light into my eyes without blinding myself like I did earlier. Quickly I found the safety on the magnum pistol and I flicked it off, keeping it close to my chest as if using it as a shield in my crippled state. Much like my mind was my life jacket in the dark, now my magnum once again was my safety buoy in the light.
Soon enough though, after what felt like an eternity of being struck by a flashbang compressed into only a few minutes, the brightness gradually started to lessen and I could now begin to make out other colors besides white. Green, brown, blue, natural colors filtered into my vision as the landscape before me faded into reality. I was definitely outside, either that or in someone's open concept living room, though that was doubtful. I removed my shielding hand from my view and had it join the other one on the grip of my sidearm. I then began to slowly turn around in circles, whilst getting a better look at my surroundings while keeping my firearm at the ready. Who knows who could have been sneaking up on me in the time I had arrived here till now.
“...What the fuck? Where the fuck am I?” I said as the landscape came into focus.
I was surrounded on all sides by what looked like a decimated desert with endless sand and dirt stretching on for miles in almost every direction with no signs of life anywhere. Of course calling a desert anything except dead or a waste would be an oxymoron. That I knew but, this place specifically seemed particularly barren in a way I had never experienced before. The topography of the area felt desolated, abandoned, and dead. It was as if this place were forgotten by those who once cared, and was left to rot away under a blistering sun, with me being it’s only visitor in decades. But whatever this place was and what implications it held didn’t matter at the moment because one thing was for certain, there were no signs of humanity anywhere. The wind blew slowly lifting the lightest layer of sand off the ground while it whipped around me enforcing the lack of anything here. It was like a ghost town with tumbleweeds without the town.
But what really stood out to me, besides the lack of anything that looked familiar, was the strange mix of different geographical climates. I couldn’t recall ever seeing anything like this on Earth before. This desert appeared to be a washed out and faded rendition of an African savannah with sun bleached colored foliage and almost chalk like sand. I knew this observation to be true because I’ve been to the Horn of Africa before during my time with the Marines and that place was a vibrant kaleidoscope of color with beautiful blue skies and even more beautiful plant life. This desert however was too beige to be anything that I had seen in Africa, despite this place having Acacia trees sprouting up from the ground and thatch grass that blew in the breeze.
This place seemed alien, in fact, it could have been for all I knew.
However out of all of that, there was one fact that was blindingly obvious. Whatever this place was, it wasn’t the desert of New Mexico. I wasn’t back at Black Mesa, hell I probably wasn’t even back in America. But even on top of that, there was something even worse to add to the pile. Something which would take my moral and drown it in isolation.
“Oh my god I just wanna go home! Of all the places I could have been sent he sends me to the middle of butt fuck nowhere, there is nothing out here!" I spun about a couple times trying to find any form of civilized construction—hell, a mud hut would be enough for me, but I couldn’t find anything. This place shared similarities to the void I had lived in for so long. Except now I had options.
I would suddenly become aware of something, and would reach up with my hand to the right shoulder strap of my load-bearing equipment, grabbing for my radio before quickly turning it on. I wanted to see if there were any other members of my unit in close proximity to me. If they were positioned near by I could possibly link up with them and gain vital military intelligence. The personal radio I was issued was a black PRC-152 multiband handheld radio. Of course this one was slightly more advanced than the ones standard infantry get. This one was modified and improved by the engineering department at Black Mesa. It had come equipped with a cable wire that connected it’s battery directly into the PCV’s power supply. They were also built extra strong, being able to withstand crushing pressures beyond the normal breaking point of the standard variant. I even recall my squad sergeant shooting his own radio with a nine millimeter beretta handgun, and the shot ricocheted. Those egghead fucks at Black Mesa built them to last.
I had used this radio many times before and I did find it rather convenient that no matter how much power it drew, it never drained the energy of the PCV. Black Mesa really did build for the future, I had to give them that. Or... It could be that I only used my radio during training operations, and my PCV was immediately recharged at a charging station and I just never noticed a drop in power upon using it.
But besides all of that, the most important thing about the device was the radio had the power to reach out for miles carrying my voice with it’s transmissions. If any other marines were in the vicinity of it’s range, and said marines had their radio on, I could communicate with them.
After the radio had finished booting up I would immediately attempt to hail my unit, or any other units in the area. At first I spoke with proper military protocol, saying who I was, what my rank was, and what unit I was from. But after my third attempt I dropped the formalities and would attempt to contact anyone with borderline frantic transmissions. After flipping through the few saved channels that I had, and trying a countless dozen more times I eventually stopped. I stared down at the radio in disappointment while looking at the dimly lit neon green display, hoping that it would light up. But it did not.
Either everyone in the Battalion had their radio turned off... or I was indeed completely alone with nobody around to find me. This needless to say made me quite unhinged. And after a bit of self-medicated Anger Management, which led me to screaming as many expletives as I could at the top of my lungs, I sighed deeply and calmed down. I put the radio back up onto my shoulder, and would give it one more good look over, as if waiting for it to say something, before I closed my eyes, and turned it off.
"This... This is fucking bullshit," I grumbled as I re-holstered my sidearm.
I shook my head slowly and began to look around the surrounding environment once more. Hopefully I could give myself a direction to go off of without using my compass by finding something that catches my attention. I know I had just looked moments ago but, giving the landscape one more good glance over wouldn’t hurt.
Upon spinning to my six I managed to spot a train station just a couple dozen yards away from me. Well in all honesty, it wasn’t really much a train station at all. It was more akin to a single raised platform with a porta-john sized station building on the far left side, with a window on the front for the station master to look out of and give tickets from. The whole building was run down and looked as if it was about to fall apart. It had an age well beyond my own and the only creatures that inhibit it now are the rats that probably live underneath it. But never minding all that, I somehow didn’t notice it earlier.
I cocked my head to the side as I observed the station with confusion. I stared at every little detail that I could, making sure that what I was seeing was real. I swore I looked in that direction before and I didn’t see a train station standing there. I quickly flashed back into my mind moments ago and tried to remember seeing this building standing there, but I kept coming up empty handed. It was as if this train station rendered into existence a few seconds prior by some cosmic powers. Maybe it was a hallucination? Maybe my eyes were playing tricks on me for staring into the blinding sunlight from earlier? Maybe I actually did just overlook it, after all it did blend into the foreground quite well.
I would sigh in defeat and shake my head in indifference. It was whatever, I wasn’t going to let it get to me, I just got here and I wasn’t about to try and dissect this reality with my mind. My body acting on instinct would start walking towards this station, till my brain applied the brakes. I was neglecting something. Something very important. Something so important that it should have been my first priority upon landing here.
“W-Where the fuck is the rest of my guns? I have my standard-issue sidearm but, where's my SAW? Where's my M40? Where’s—where’s my Carbine? Fuck, did the suit take my guns and leave me with just a pistol?” Frantically I began patting around my body looking for spare magazines for my pistol, “What the fuck!? I was stacked to the brim like a one-man Army... and now... all's I have is this? Fuck you... you... asshole,"
Frantically I patted around my body hoping they were hidden in some pocket whilst trying not to give up hope too soon, yet after a quick search nothing came out. I continued to curse beneath my breath as I briefly looked around for unwanted eyes as I got the sneaking suspicion I was being watched, like aliens were hiding in the bushes. I looked to the nearest ridgelines and scanned them, looking for scope glints or movement. After a short time of looking and finding nothing, I continued my search for weapons. I had my magnum and I knew it was good enough, I just wished I had more at my disposal.
"Well... I could have been issued a M9 Beretta. That dinky piece of shit pee shooter was issued to non-frontline troops and POGs, Oorah to the infantry. But still… I'd rather have my carbine or better yet my M40," I murmured to myself as I looked around on the ground, and by the divine intervention of the heavens above, the steel glint of a metallic object caught my eye. I with zeal reached down with my hand to grab at it.
It was a KABAR combat knife and it was partly buried in the dusty sand by my left boot. I reached down and snatched it up before inspecting it briefly. It was the knife I had at Black Mesa, the one I found embedded inside a vortigaunts skull, it must have fallen off my person when I was dropped here. I dusted the blade gently before I placed it away inside my knife sheath on my ALICE belt. I thanked God I had something else besides my sidearm for I now had a contingency plan if I were to run out of ammo. It wasn’t a rifle, or machine gun, or a rocket launcher, but it was something. Of course despite my arsenal growing by one, my annoyance also grew alongside it.
“Goddammit!” I slammed my fist into the sand out of anger, “Why a knife, out of all things why just a knife!? Why not a grenade, or something with a scope and ranged capabilities, or something with a higher magazine capacity? This isn’t shit! Why did he take my guns!? Fucking damn it I miss my rifle,” I curlled my upper body inwards out of frustration, growling out curse words.
I hated many things, but being useless in combat was at the top of that list.
My futile anger fell on deaf ears as I lamented my existence here. It hadn’t even started yet and it was already going downhill fast. I knew in the back of my mind I needed to calm down, but at the moment I had too much stress and anger inside me. I needed to let out now while I was alone, otherwise I figured I might explode on someone if I found anybody to talk to. I also knew that if I did end up doing that to someone, I wouldn’t come off as a highly trained professional, of which I was. Or, at least I considered myself one.
So much shit, so little time. I shook my head, while I placed my hand on my forehead. I closed my eyes and I drew a few deep breaths before I opened them again, now a bit more level headed. It felt like I had steadily taken the heat off a boiling teapot. With my recent experiences beneath my belt all of which being from Black Mesa, I hadn’t thought of taking a moment to just relax and ease my mind or catch my breath. Combat there rarely gave me more than a few minutes of rest before throwing me back into the fray, so I never had time to organize my thoughts. But here in this empty place I could do that. Taking advantage of that I calmed down, and brought myself peace, even if it were just for a moment.
So sighing once more I looked over at the train station, I figured investigating it would be the best option for me right now. Taking my first few calm and collected steps towards the platform I began my journey. With any luck a train might arrive soon, and I could slip aboard and hide somewhere without being noticed by any rail staff or passengers. I could hobo surf it to the nearest town and get off. I could then try to get directions from there, or use my… influence, to gain other resources too.
Then again, if my assumption of this world being alien was correct, I could hardly believe that the locals would be so understanding of my presence and on top of that, welcome me with open arms… or speak English.
I grew closer to the station while checking around me for stalking eyes. I wouldn’t check for long as this desert left little to hide in. As I got nearer to the platform, I picked up on something that was incredibly relieving to say the least. Propped up against the station building, slightly glinting off the sun, practically beckoning me towards it, was the black silhouette of a Colt 727 Carbine with an under barrel M203 grenade launcher. My eyes widened as it called out to me, I could practically hear it’s feminine sultry voice ushering me to it’s polymer frame. My heart beat grew faster as my boots dug into the dirt as I entered a full running sprint. I began a desperate, and depraved chant in my mind as I ran towards it, my previous anger fading quickly.
‘Yes! Yes! Yes! OH MY GOD!That shit is MINE!' I stumbled and practically hurled myself plus 80 pounds of military equipment up over the stairs onto the platform at a full dash.
I rushed over to the rifle quickly grabbing it with my left hand as the sounds of angelic choirs could be heard from within my head. I pulled the rifle gently into the air before letting it fall into my awaiting palms. I cradled it in my arms in the same manner as a mother would to her newborn child. It was beautiful, it was like finding a long lost puppy, I finally had proper arms to defend myself.
I gave the weapon a complete combat readiness check while the dust settled around me from my full-on sprint up onto the platform. I dropped the magazine out, racked the bolt, separated the upper and lower receiver to check the internals while also trying to see if it was properly lubricated. Then quickly with joy I reassembled it as fast as possible before reinserting the mag, and racking the bolt.I listened to the metallic symphony of moving parts, the clanking and ringing of steel and aluminum was like music. Then with an eager hand I reached down and flicked the safety off, immediately turning it all the way to fully automatic.
"Alright! Now we're talkin about killing some motherfuckers... If that situation were to arise of course," I said grinning from ear to ear. The feeling I felt in my rejuvenated soul was palpable.
I'd look at the station building for a couple seconds, contemplating the factor that someone might be inside, and that someone was the reason this rifle was leaned up against the wall like it was. They could have maybe found the rifle earlier and brought it here wondering what it was. Or maybe, they already knew what it was and were attempting to arm themselves. Then again this was unlikely, for if they really knew what this tool was capable of…
They wouldn’t have let it out of their sight.
Approaching the door I tried the handle only to find that it was locked, I assumed from the outside, as after a quick inspection of the room through the window, I saw no lifeforms. I would have kicked in the door, but I'm sure whatever railroad this station belonged to wouldn’t be very kind to me after I destroyed their property. Instead I walked away from it, shrugging my shoulders with my new rifle in my arms. Many new questions plagued my mind as to the origin of this weapon. How did it end up here? Why was it all alone? Did someone move it up onto this station platform?
But regardless, I had a rifle again. It was a sturdy battle implement with fully automatic capabilities, and one that would serve me well. Upon further inspection of my kit after I left the station platform, I found I had plenty of ammo for it, stored away inside the many magazine pouches along my LBE. It made my day much, much better knowing I had food to feed this beast. I looked down at the black, bureaucratic tool in my hands and smiled. Raising the body of it up to my mask, I nuzzled it happily, laughing in delight as I spoke to it, as if it were a living breathing being with it’s own feelings.
“Oh god I missed you… that’s right I missed you so much! I promise Daddy will never let you out of his sight ever again okay? I promise, I pinkie promise! Never again, Daddy loves his baby girl...” I must’ve looked insane to anyone else that might have been watching me but I didn’t care, this was my rifle, it was my property. I deserved to be armed and prepared for the future, and I knew that without this weapon, I was incomplete. All though, after looking it over a bit more closely now, it actually may not have been the same carbine I used while I toiled back in Black Mesa. Then again, the carbine I used there wasn't mine to begin with, it was just the first one I came across. I picked it up off the body of a fallen marine, therefore I made it mine out of necessity. Finders-keepers in the most dire of circumstances and all that. And furthermore, I didn’t care that this rifle wasn’t the same one I had used before, it was still a weapon beyond comparison. And nobody, not even that suit guy, that government lackey was going to take it away from me again. Nobody.
But… Now that I had my rifle, what was I to do with it? You know, “Have Gun, Will Travel.”
I looked back to the station yet again just to make sure it was still there, with lingering hope that my luck would hold out, but there was no train coming. Not in a million years would I be so lucky. So, I turned to the wilderness in front of me, the wide savana that stretched on for miles being my only other option. The wind blew from behind me to my front, as the thatch grass blew away in the breeze. It was as if nature was showing me the way to go, and so I nodded my head and accepted the fact that this life, much like my old one was going to involve lots and lots of walking. So I reached into my compass pouch, pulled out my compass, oriented myself towards the magnetic north, and began walking onwards.
I walked beneath the savanna sky for quite some time, having left the train station far behind me. The sun above that heated my clothes and body reminded me of Black Mesa, and the deserts of New Mexico that surrounded it. It reminded me of my demise and my last moments in the life that I knew, the life that I loved. But at the same time it reminded me of home, and the life I left behind before I joined the Marines. I could see my home town, Winslow Arizona, the landscape there was very similar to the deserts Black Mesa. I could see the white cracked sidewalk pavement that I used to tread upon while heading to and from High School, the store, the barber shop, the baseball field and, well pretty much everywhere. Gas wasn’t cheap and I only drove when I needed to head out of town or to work. I could then see the sun bleached asphalt of the roads I used to drive; the painted lines used for traffic control faded and whited out with the passing of time. I could recall many mornings and evenings going to and from work in my car, while I wasted my life away at a fastfood restaurant. It was located near the far side of town, right by the entrance and exit of route forty that ran alongside the town.
I hated that job.
I could remember sitting in that fast food nightmare for two long years of my life. I was forced to cater and serve people in such an undignified and emasculated manner, all the while with a fake smile on my face. I got talked down to by total strangers while they ranted and raved over the stupidest of mistakes or imperfections. And of course I caught flak from my manager for doing nothing wrong almost every month. Plus on top of that, I had high school I needed to deal with.
While it was mostly tame compared to other students' experiences, I still had mountains of homework I needed to choke down every night while working part time. But on the bright side, high school for me was a very important and enjoyable part of my life. I couldn’t remember grade school, and middle school was also a blur, but my time at Winslow High made me who I was today. I made friendships that lasted, participated in sports that I loved, and developed myself into an independently thinking human being in my junior year. That was when I decided to get that part time job the moment I turned 16.
I started my employment there in 1988 and I quit once I turned 18 and I received my High School Diploma, in 1990. The day I quit was the best day of my life, I still remember it fondly. I remember I walked in there the day after graduation with the biggest smile on my face. I strode into my manager's office, gave him my uniforms in a nice big ball of wrinkled clothes, and said I quit as fast as I could, before turning my face to him, and walking out of there, never to return. The day I walked out of those doors, both from high school and that damned restaurant, was the same day I walked through the doors of my local recruitment office, and joined the United States Marine Corps.
And I wouldn’t have had it any other way. The time that I spent serving my country was time well spent. I made plenty of friends with men that I could count on in and out of combat, and I was headed to places that would have destined me for greatness. But the life I knew was abruptly stopped and subsequently cancelled. For I was now lost in a land I didn’t understand, walking a savanna that I didn’t know, and headed to a destination that might not even be there, dooming me to walk onwards for eternity with no resolve in sight. If I had the choice I wouldn’t have chosen this terminal wandering damnation, I’m not sure anyone would have unless they really hated themselves… or they were a masochist. I would have chosen to continue fighting for my country, to die in combat, or to at least to go home. But I didn’t get a choice, as my freedom was robbed away from me the moment I stepped foot in Black Mesa. Or well I guess you could say, crashed into.
And it was all because of that asshole in the blue suit.
And the more I walked, and the more I thought about all that I had been forced to leave behind, the angrier I got. For as my heartbeat began to deepen with this rage, my blood slowly began to boil as images of my home began slideshowing in my head. Memories of my family, friends, pets, and battle buddies all came marching forward in an insulting, onslaught of all the good times I had been forced to give up. It was maddening. Now some might say that I was being a bit selfish and hypocritical. After all I joined the marines with the sole intention of serving my country, and a part of that servitude is giving your life so that others may live.
But this was nothing like that! At least in serving my country I knew I was fighting for something I wanted to die for! But here?! I had none of that! That G-Man looking bastard stole my life from me! He stole my family, my home, my country, my battle-buddies, and most importantly my honor and pride! He took EVERYTHING from me!!
My blood had now been brought to a bubbling hot syrupy broil, my teeth beneath my lips gnawed and ground against each other as they slowly revealed themselves behind my mask, and my fists gripped harder around my rifle as the body of the weapon began to shake violently, so violently in fact I felt like I could have snapped it in half. I could feel another outburst coming, with the same pressure akin to that of a pressure cooker reaching criticality, and since I was alone at the moment I saw no reason in containing myself, much like before.
Enraged I threw the carbine down while it was still connected to the weapon sling. It swung out briefly before it slammed into my hip. I reached up and grabbed my helmet with a pressured grip that could have crushed the kevlar casing. It got thrown to the ground and slammed into the sand, bouncing once in place. I did the same with my mask, I ripped it away from my face with almost enough force to damage it, as it too got hurled to the sand. My mind at the time wasn’t focused on their preservation, in fact it wasn’t focused at all. I could only feel anger coursing through me. My hands quickly returned to my head as I grabbed onto the fibers of my crew cut, before I ripped strands of hair from my scalp as I screamed into the air in resentment. The pain non non-existent as my rage came out.
“RRRrrrraAAAHH!!” I screamed, my clenched fists flew down from my head as the hair I grabbed fell from my flexed hands as they froze in front of me, “You PRICK! You FUCKING ASSHOLE!! I HATE YOU!! After all I did, after all the shit I had to endure, after every little fuck up along the way… My reward for serving my country for 10 years is a pat on the back and banishment to ANOTHER WORLD?! You could have just sent me home as a sign of compassion, or sent me back to my unit to keep serving as a sign of gratitude but NOOOOOOO!! NOO I had to be a part of some FUCKED UP military cover-up BULLSHIT so even if I DID go home or returned to the unit, I’d be placing everyone I held close in DANGER! So what do you go and do?! You DETAIN ME?! FOR WHAT?? DOING MY JOB??!! What’s the fucking POINT of that?!” My words vented out of me like hot lava escaping from a volcano, as spit and tears fell from my face. At the moment I actually felt my heart in my chest beating away, pumping hot blood to my brain as my emotions took control.
“If you REALLY wanted me out of the way, why didn’t you just KILL ME!” I threw my head backwards into the air as I slammed my eyes shut, “WHY DIDN’T YOU LET ME DIE??!! KILL ME you fucking COWARD!! I’m tired of doing you bidding! I didn’t sign up to be your BITCH!! I signed up to DIE IN COMBAT and PROTECT MY COUNTRY!! You sadistic FUCKING PRICK!! Is this how you get your sick kicks?! You disgusting FUCKING ASSHOLE!!”
“MARINE!” I heard a voice, it came from behind me, no… it came from inside me, “MARINE WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION??!! GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, NOW!!”
My body then suddenly felt like it was being grabbed. Every muscle and ligament flexed and hardened, my bones went rigid like steel, and my eyes shot wide open, instantaneously becoming bloodshot, while I was forced to stare off into the open sky, now in physical pain. Every inch of my being screamed out in agony yet, no screams came from my lips. It felt like I was being choked by someone, but I knew that wasn’t the case, as I couldn’t feel any actual physical presence doing it to me, it was just the sensation of it. But the only thing I knew for certain, was that I had lost complete control of my nervous system. It screamed out in anguish while my body was squeezed like a melon in a vise, I was uncontrollably angry and I attempted to fight against it, thrashing my body from side to side yet, nothing changed, if anything it got worse.
My breathing continued, but my lungs now gasped for air, the flow of oxygen was almost non-existent as my whole torso now rose and fell with each breath. My body had been flexed into a crescent, my arms and fists shaking as they slowly coiled inwards towards my chest.
I felt nothing but rage. Whatever was doing this was going to burn.
“W-What… The… F-fffuck??!!” I managed to choke out before the voice came back, somehow stealing my voice, and preventing me from talking.
“SHUT IT YOU FUCKING CRY BABY!! I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT!! All this screaming and crying and anger for WHAT?? Look at you! Just fucking LOOK AT YOU!! You are a FUCKING mess you know that?? An absolute mess… And I will NOT stand by and let you just THROW AWAY your professionalism! You are a disgrace to the corps and if your platoon commander could see you now he’d have you filled for a court-marshalling, and I… would probably support that action.” The voice moved suddenly, it felt like it had grown closer to my ear, it then spoke again with a his, as if talking to me physically made it ill, while my anger continued to flare “You… Are going to unfuck yourself, right here, right now or I will choke the life out of you, and leave you here for the buzzards, like the rancid pile of shit that you are,” My body was then forced forward with a push, bringing me to my hands and knees. The constriction that was wrapped around me I could still feel, like I was fitted with a straight jacket.
“You… Adrian… Are a United States marine. And marines don’t act like this when their life is on the line. You are acting like a spoiled child right now, screaming and waving your arms around as if you didn’t get your toy at the grocery store. This is unacceptable. You can be angry all you want… But right now is not the time, nor the place for such idiotic behavoir. As far as you are concerned, this is an unknown and possibly hostile combat environment with enemy combatants hiding in the terrain waiting for you to put your guard down,” I thought about that possibility for a moment, before I nodded, listening to the voice a bit more than I was before, “You don’t know if you’re being watched right now or not, and even if you weren’t being watched, you still need to be on guard for when you are being watched, which could be at any moment.”
My body then hoisted itself up, it did this without me telling it to do so. It felt as if someone pulled me up by the back of my vest, I could have sworn I felt my chest armor get tugged up and away from my body. My arms supported this action as they acted on their own, while they subconsciously grabbed my rifle from off the ground. I then stood up normally again regaining my balance, even though I wasn’t the one doing this. I then placed my mask back on, followed by my helmet. I tried to regain control of my body, but I felt as if I already was in control, yet at the same time, I was moving against my own will.
“GOOD! Now… Get moving! I don’t care if you don’t have an objective! You’re a marine! Improvise, Adapt, and Overcome all odds! Find yourself something to do just in case you can’t make it home! This is your only option!” My legs, without me telling them to begin to move on their own, they began marching me forwards. At first my steps were slow and rigid as I was actively trying to get them to stop, I wanted them to stop, I wanted control back, this was my body and it was betraying me. But the voice somehow numbed my commands, making them weak and weaker as it grew in power. Quickly the grasp on my locomotion was lost entirely, and my legs took off into a sprint. I attempted to make them stop again, but I felt my influence get blocked and locked out, they were following this voice's orders, not mine, and I was now a passenger in my own body.
Whatever this voice was it was strong, and it had taken my physical body and put it into a trance, and soon it had my mind in a trance as well. I felt it’s own influence creeping in and taking over as it slowly but surely forced me to calm down. I saw the pictures and memories of my home and my family fade back into the recesses of my mind, and with that my composure returned. I was still mad about being stuck here however and something told me this voice shared that sentiment. But I wasn’t as angry as I was before, because the voice was right, and now with a mostly clear head I could see that. Despite the physical pain it had inflicted on me, and how harsh the words it used were, the voice made sense. I was acting like a child and I am a marine. Sure things seem bleak right now and, I may be far away from home, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t make the best out of this situation and try and find a way back. Even if it takes me months, or even years to do so. And if I couldn’t do that, I could at least live out the rest of my life how I wanted to, despite me wanting a long and meaningful military career.
But on top of all of that I had come to realize something. This voice, this harsh yet very grounded voice, was something I had listened to before, if not it then something very similar to it. It had spoken to me while I was in boot camp, and it came to me again the many times I was engaged in combat. It was something subconscious that I had always listened to without question, and now it was suddenly reaching out to me in a new more direct way, and this was the first time I had actually physically heard it speak to me.
This was me talking… to me. Was this, self awareness?
When that sudden realization struck me, I blinked and suddenly found myself in a thick savanna forest, the bleached sand and dirt was now shadowed by trees whilst the sun was hidden behind their leaves. I wasn’t sure how I got here but the sudden shift in location made my head spin like a toy top. I turned about and saw a path that I must have taken to reach this far yet I didn’t remember taking it. There were even boot prints in the dirt, showing that I didn’t in fact travel this distance. I took a few deep breaths as I felt the presence of the voice lift from my body. My head turned back around as I nervously looked down to my rifle.
“Lord have mercy… What the hell is happening,” I said out loud to myself.
My body felt like it was burning up, as if I was being cooked from inside my own armor. My blood was turning me into soup as I sweated profusely beneath every inch of my clothed skin. I could feel my uniform sticking to my back and my chest, making me itch, I felt dirty. Yet, I didn’t dare remove my armor as I was right, this place was an unknown possibly hostile environment. Therefore the armor stayed on. But this level of adrenaline was getting to me, I felt ill, I was getting the shakes, I had the feeling like I was going to vomit. I needed to find a way to calm down, and I needed to do it soon before I actually did puke or faint, whichever came first. My eyes darted from side to side quickly, my head twisting with them as they looked for a concealed place to rest. Almost instantly I found a small side path that looked fairly overgrown that led to a tiny patch of ground surrounded by bushes to my left. I took a deep breath as my body shuddered, before heading towards it.
Then time seemed to skip forward again, as I found myself sitting crossed legged in the small concealed patch of bushes, taking long deep breaths. My hands lay across my rifle which found itself into my lap as I continued to wind myself down. It was honestly kinda hard to do as my body and mind were extremely on edge after being pulled apart in two different directions. I gently shuddered with every pull of oxygen that came into and out of my lung, while my senses slowly but surely returned to me.
I wasn’t expecting my brain to do that to me, actually I’m sure nobody would have expected something like that to happen to them. Was this going to happen again? Was I okay to continue on? Was this because of the void? I wasn’t sure. This fact left me in a very uneasy state. But the one thing I was sure of was that, besides the pain, and the sorrow I felt, I wasn’t going to give up. I was right, I was a marine and we, amongst many things, survive against all odds.
But for right now… I was content with sitting there for just a few moments longer, while I collected my body, mind, and soul.
Air passed through my lips as my lungs filled with air. My eyes stayed closed as I concentrated on the sounds I made. My hands lay rested upon my knees, my rifle lay flat in my lap, and my behind sat flush with the dirt of the savanna forest. The world around me continued to turn as I sat here, silently contemplating all that had just happened to me.
Opening my eyes I looked down, searching the ground for my thoughts as I lamented on my situation. I focused on the sand and grass of the soil, I watched it as it was caressed by the wind, the same wind that I could feel pushing on me, pushing me north. But I wasn’t moving, not right now at least, I still needed time to collect my thoughts. And my oh my… the thoughts I had running around in my mind would have made a more reserved man call me a lunatic, a mad man, a threat to civilized society even as I was now questioning everything I held dear. But above the senseless questioning and conspiracies that were being rooted the most prolific thoughts that were circling around me were worries about my mental instability. I mean, what was that voice, was it just me? Was it my brain having a metacrisis? Or did I really spend too much time in the void with nobody to talk to. I wasn’t sure, but the one this I was sure of was I couldn’t focus on that issue right now, other pressing matters were at hand.
Like the fact that I still didn’t know where I was, or why I was here to begin with.
“Well… Things could always be worse. I could be dead! I… could be… Actually that’s pretty much it.” I said to myself as I fell backwards onto my rucksack, my gear shifting on my body as I did. Things could definitely have been worse for me but at the time, I saw no other alternative than being dead. This was a situation I never really prepared for. Maybe I wished I were dead at the time, at least then I would have gotten some closer. Or maybe I was dead and this was the afterlife. But if this was what being dead was like then being dead sucked.
No… No I wasn’t dead.
I took yet another deep breath as I covered my mask's lenses with my hands, shrouding myself in darkness for a second as I came to terms with the fact that this place was some form of cosmic punishment for what I was a part of, or for what I’ve done in the past. This was actually quite easy to come to terms with at the moment, after all fair is fair I guess, as the two alternatives for punishment would have been way more painful, and way too brief. I nodded once before pulled myself back up into my sitting posture as I removed my hands from my face.
God I was so glad I was alone at the moment. Nobody needed to see a grown man go through something like this, let alone that grown man be me. In fact, If I was to ever come across other people again, nobody should ever know what happened here, no matter what, mainly because I now had a new found respect for meditation. It was a bit out o f character for a die hard devil dog to meditate but, I found peace through it and that was something that I needed more than anything. But even so, I was thankful for this solitude that I was given, especially if said solitude allowed me to meditate in complete silence, allowing me to think and re-organize my thoughts in a proper order of attack. This solitude now however, I no longer needed after coming around to understanding my new predicament.
I pushed myself up off the ground with my hands into a kneeling position as I grabbed my rifle. My head, which barely made it above the tall grass that hid this place from view, scanned the area around me for hostile life or movement. Afterall I was right, this palace was unknown to me, and I couldn’t be too careful.
But, seeing nothing out of the ordinary I stood back up properly. I then quickly returned to the path I had taken here and resumed my walk north, after I looked back over my shoulder at the land I covered. Heading back the way I came crossed my mind but, as the wind blew against me again, I turned away back to the north and kept on walking. I didn’t understand why but, for some reason the wind just seemed trustworthy, it filled the dictation hole that would usually be filled by orders from command. But on top of that the wind seemed… trustworthy, it was like if I followed it I would always be headed in the right direction, as if it was the way nature intended.
It was a strange feeling for sure, and it was even more strange when I bumped into my first real opsitacal. A massive rock face that ascended upwards. A mountain, I had walked for, I didn’t know how long, following the wind and natures will, only for me to bump into a massive fuck off rockwall. Off to a great start for sure.
“Oh… How convenient, a mountain… thanks nature,” I say out loud in a genuinely surprised yet annoyed manner. I can definitely say I wasn't expecting this. Then again there really wasn’t anything for me to expect. I mean, I don’t have a map of the place so really I can’t say it’s out of place, even though it looked out of place. Hell, I couldn’t even see it from where I was back at the train station.
How far did I walk? Or was this who ass mountain just hidden from view or something.
I took a few steps forward and investigated the massive rock formation. I let my rifle fall to it’s sling as I felt along it’s face with my hands. I tapped it a few times to see how dense it was just to see if it was fake or anything like that. But no, as far as I was concerned this mountain was real, it just seemed out of place is all. As if it was just dropped here from the heavens or, someone built it to look this way. There must have been some serious tectonic shenanigans for something like this to have formed. Evidently the wind still blew, and I hadn’t found any answers yet, therefore I continued on. But, where exactly was I supposed to go now. I took a few steps back from the mountain and looked from side to side. This wall of rock seemed to go on for quite a long time, as I could see a way around it from where I was. So the next best option besides, going back, was to walk next to the mountain so I could locate a path forwards. I came to terms with my new path forward rather quickly, and chose to go left.
And in doing so, I must have alerted something to my presence. For as I began to head left beside the mountain wall, a bush to my left right beside the path I had been taking to this point, rustled something fierce. Something or someone was in that shrubbery. I grabbed my rifle and swung it around, ready to engage whatever was waiting for me in the bush, only for a pair of rabbits, a white one and a black one, to pop out and stare up at me. Admittedly I recoiled back slightly as they appeared, but upon seeing what they were, I lowered my rifle slightly to look them over more properly without the assistance of my gun sights.
They were indeed, a pair of white and black rabbits. They were the first physically confirmed sentient life I had actually seen here that wasn’t the trees or the grass. Needless to say I was extremely surprised to see something I was actually familiar with here on this alien word. I would have preferred someone I could have talked to but, at least they weren’t headcrabs.
The two creatures perked up onto their hind legs and looked at me, their heads banking from side to side as their noses and whiskers wiggled instinctively. I slowly, as not to startle them, knelt down a bit to look at them better, much how they rose up higher to look at me better. But as I did, the two rabbits, knelt back down onto their four paws, and bounced off. But it was strange, it seemed as if they shared a moment to look at each other before they turned tail and headed away, as if they were confirming something that they had seen. And how they scurried off was strange too, as they bounded away they moved in perfect symmetry. I watched them as they went, their existence now even more peculiar to me than before, as just their existence alone was strange enough. I watched as they entered a large hole like a cave on the side of the mountain wall. It looked big enough for anyone to enter, that anyone being me of course.
As they bounced out of sight, I quickly gave chase and wound up at the cave they disappeared into. I looked over the entrance carefully, wondering how something like this would have formed naturally, I wasn’t an expert on rocks or whatever, but something like this didn’t seem right, but I just couldn’t put my finger on it. I then noticed a rather large rock off to the side of the cave leaning against the mountain side. It looked just big enough to cover this hole as if it had been covering it at some point, but someone or something moved it out of the way to gain access to the cave.
Obviously it wasn’t the rabbits that did that.
As I stood there at the entrance of the cave I pondered for a moment. This all seemed a little too convenient to me. It was like I was supposed to be headed this way, like I was supposed to discover this cave by following the rabbits. This all seemed a bit too laid out, either by someone hidden in the bushes, or by some other worldly cosmic force who was coercing me into this place. In fact if it weren’t for the rabbits I probably wouldn’t have found this cave to begin. I more than likely would have just walked past it as there was a great deal of brush and plant life obscuring it from view. But nevertheless the rabbits piqued my interest, and I wanted to see what they were about. It’s not everyday you see something like them. Plus on top of that, the wind was pulling me into the cave, I could feel the tugging of the breeze as it whooshed past me.
I nodded and accepted the fact that this path was more than likely the path towards progress, even though I knew I was being railroaded into doing this. I mean I could have turned back and kept walking around the base of the mountain, but then I would probably get tired or lost and end up coming back this way anyway. I reached up with my left hand and grabbed my night-vision goggles, I swung them down into place over my mask, and flicked them on.
The surfaces of the cave would instantly be revealed to me, the floor of the cave seeming the least jagged compared to the walls and ceiling which had rocks jutting out all over the place. Nevertheless it was still rather bumpy to walk upon, especially to someone like myself who would now need to squeeze into this claustrophobic space with all his kit and general size in mind. My shoulders and rucksack were going to be the biggest pain of this rather unpleasant experience. If I was going to slip in here, I would half to do it by twisting my body sideways, and shimmy along the walls. The space allotted for width clearance was just too small to walk face front into. If I were a smaller man I would have been able to but alas, I was not. For once, my shoulders have failed me.
And so, I would begin my trek into the cave, right side first.
This cave really was a tight fit. As I pushed myself further in, the prospect of me becoming stuck in here became rather prevalent as the walls squeezed in around me. Hell if anything in here attacked me from the rear I would be right screwed, but if anything came at me from the front, I would have at least had a weapon to deal with them. My rifle wasn’t useful to me here, it was too big and firing it with one hand just wouldn’t work out well. My magnum on the other hand, had much greater combat effectiveness, so before I got too deep, I dropped the rifle on it’s sling, and drew my sidearm. I hoped I wouldn’t have to use it.
Step by step I went further, each step walking me further and further away from the light of day, and into the darkness of the mountain. I thanked god for my night-vision, it’s illumination of the cave was greatly underappreciated. Also because I knew if I didn’t have them, I'd need to rely on my flashlight, which I didn’t have the same confidence in as I did with my NVG’s. But, let’s just hope I reach the otherside before the battery needs to recharge. Actually, let’s hope I reach the other side period, I have no idea if this cave system would plop me out on the other side of the mountain, it may just dump me into a cave or some shit. But then again, I couldn’t recall at the time any kind of rabbit that lived in a cave, which meant there was an exit somewhere in here. Let’s just hope I’m headed the right way.
Foot after foot I went deeper. I could feel the rocks scraping and bumping into my helmet and armor no doubt dirtying them up, and possibly ripping the fabric of the camouflage casing. What I was really worried about was massive cave spiders dropping down into the space between my vest and my neck and scurrying about. I hated spiders, I hated them with a passion. And the more I thought about it, the more it creeped me out. At times it felt like shit was crawling on me, and I would need to stop and punch that area by whatever means necessary, either with my hand, or by slamming my body into the closest rock wall. God I hate spiders, and I hate being in this cave just as much.
Then, I saw light. It was about the size of a pen tip but it was light, and it was ahead of me. I sighed deeply as I thanked the lord, I was headed the right way and now it was just a matter of time before I got to my goal. This time between here and getting out of this cave I wanted to be as short as possible, so I picked up the pace. My boots moved quicker one after the other as I shimmied along faster, while the walls continued scrapping me up good. I knew I would need to clean my armor when I got out of here, something that I actually looked forward to. Cleaning my armor would give me an excuse to take it off in the first place, which would then give me time to relax outside of this shell.
I could already feel the release I was set to receive.
The light grew larger as I grew closer to the end. By the time I no longer needed my night-vision I was only a few feet from the exit. I could smell the change in atmosphere as the wind once again picked up. I’m not sure how the wind was being tunneled through here but it was definitely welcome, especially if it blew off any cobwebs or bugs riding on my shoulder. Soon I could feel the light of the sun on my skin again, it felt rewarding. I had made it through the cave and I didn’t even break a sweat, well, actually I did but that’s only because I was getting stressed the hell out. I never considered myself to be someone who was claustrophobic but that place was testing my limits beyond belief.
Finally, my right boot left the shade of the cave, and entered the light. The moment it did, I practically threw myself from the constricting confines of the rock walls. I stumbled forth from the hole falling to my knees as I shuddered.
“God… Fuck that place sucked,” I said to myself as I gently shook my head as I dusted off my shoulders, before tending to the rest of my clothing and armor. My fingers and palms threw most of the surface grim away but I knew I needed more time to get my armor looking good as new or at least something close to that. Standing up I looked around, holstering my magnum and re-equipping my rifle.
This place gave off a very different aura compared to the savanna but saying it was different didn’t do it justice. This new area felt welcoming compared to before, like the land itself was eager to meet me. First of all the climate had changed, it was way colder here. Not too cold to warrant a jacket or a sweater but it did feel a bit chillier than what I was expecting. For instance, while the savanna felt like midsummer, this place felt something more akin to early spring, it was cool yet the sun still blazed above. Maybe it was the mountains which I noted right away, towered around me as I found myself in a valley of some sorts. The peaks of the herculean mountains rose high into the air, almost if not barely scraping the clouds that moved passed them. I felt like an ant in here. The peaks looked like the jagged browned teeth of a long dead behemoth monster that could have created valleys just by walking upon the land, they looked, awe inspiring. Beneath the perilous peaks of the tall mountain tops were trees, but not just any trees. These were different from the savanna trees in fact, they were a completely different species.
They were bonsai trees, massively tightly packed bonsai trees.
Their snaking winding bodies looked like moss growing on rocks all the way at the top of the mountains. They reached upwards towards the tallest peaks of the mountain range, finding the smallest bits of flat rock to grow into. But as the forest got thicker towards the bottom, and they descended down closer to the ground, their size grew. I looked at the nearest one to me, it’s leaves were a vibrant green, it’s body and truck were a proud brown, and it’s base and roots spread far and wide across the rich soil. It looked big enough to live in, and it was much taller than me. It was a magnificent change in flora that I couldn’t have expected, but welcoming with open arms.
Hell this new valley air that I breathed, felt cleaner and fresher, as if this place was being preserved in time by someone, like a massive invisible glass dome was placed on top of the valley keeping all this life energy inside. I felt good here, unlike the savanna which felt dead to me, and possibly even dead to everything else that lived there, if anything lived there at all.
I then, after admiring the trees, noticed a path forward. This path, unlike the ones I had been taking before now seemed even more treaded upon, as if they were used regularly and recently. This confirmed my suspicions that I was indeed not alone in this world. I was almost certain that whatever made this path was sentient, which gave me hope of finding help. So I decided to follow it, but slowly. I didn’t want to run into anything that was hostile head on, it could encircle me, and then out number me, before taking me down. This was my biggest fear.
And so off I went now slightly crouched down closer to the ground as I lessened my body profile, and quieted my footfalls. Luckily besides the trees, the ground here was vibrant with plant life that worked well with the woodland camouflage I had on me, better concealing my presence. Shame it was only on my vest and helmet, as my BDUs were patterned in urban camo. But this was better than nothing. What was the purpose of the woodland camo back at Black Mesa, I mean the urban camo made sense, but the woodland? I didn’t understand it, maybe it made sense to some general somewhere, who knows.
My head shifted from right to left as I scanned the area with care. I observed everything, but admired nothing, my time to give praise on the land had come to an end for now. I needed to focus on the task at hand, and while being here felt amazing I needed to stay vigilant.
And, with my vigilance in full force I found something. Something huge. As I passed a rather large bonsai tree, I found that the path made a quick turn to the left, and slightly descended. I looked to where the path headed and I locked eyes with a massive village. I quickly stopped in my tracks and carefully ducked into the nearest bush. I then put down my rifle, and reached back into my rucksack. I rummaged around for a brief moment, before I swung around what grabbed into both of my hands. It was a pair of binoculars, and I was going to need them as now, came a scouting phase.
With my gasmask still on, I pulled the binoculars up to my lenses and peered out of the bush and off into the distance to see what I could see. And what I saw surprised me greatly.
The village was entirely made out of the trees that grew there. And what I meant by that was, is that the people that lived here, did indeed, hollow the trees and make their homes inside of them. Absolutely phenomenal, I didn’t think anyone has ever done that before, at least not back on Earth. And if people back home have done that before then, I probably would be just as surprised. There were even small suspended bridges at the top of the trees for whoever these people were to cross safely from home to home. Of course, trees had been removed to make way for paths, which there were alot of them, and there were also a great deal of foot bridges that were built over small rivers that wove in and out of the village center. And in the village center, which was surrounded by a river on all sides practically making it a small island, was a market.
This market caught most of my attention however, not because of the food present, or the stalls that sold the food. But the fact that the whole place seemed abandoned. There was nobody there despite all the stands being filled to the rim with brightly colored fruits and vegetables. Actually the place wasn’t just abandoned, it was abandoned in a hurry, I could see baskets laying about on the ground with spilled produce all over the place, and as the wind blew again the air gently howled emphasizing the emptiness. But noticing that, I looked around again, the rest of the village seemed empty too… Everything looked dead, yet I couldn’t find any bodies.
“Yeah… no, something’s wrong here…” I whispered out loud to myself as I lowered the binoculars. It was quite possible that I wasn’t seeing something but, I was one hundred percent sure something was amidst. Maybe all of the inhabitants were congregating somewhere for some reason and I just happened to catch them at a bad time. Who knows but something is certain here, I was looking at this picture from the wrong angle. And so, I turned back around to put my binoculars away, and it was at that moment in which I realized where all of the inhabitants were congregated.
They were behind me, all of them were behind me. I was now surrounded by dozens upon dozens of 5 foot tall, multicolored, big ruffled maned, ponies with warped unicorn horns. Of which, were all staring at me with big puppy dog eyes, as their heads banked back and forth from side to side, as they silently stared at me. It was a literal ocean of moving colors before me, and I was outnumbered and surrounded on all sides, the exact thing I didn’t want to happen. And while something like this didn’t seem possible given the amount of noise these creatures would have made in performing this maneuver, I didn’t care. I let my guard down for less than five minutes and got what was coming to me.
And just to add insult to injury, out from the front of the group, came those two rabbits that propped themselves up, and stood and stared at me again, just like the rest of these creatures.
Son of a bitch, they surrounded me! How? How was it possible that these creatures were able to move so fast, and quietly too? Was I really that zoned out while scouting the village? I mean there had to have been at least a hundred of these things all around me.
They peeked out the bushes, sat upon tree branches, and even stood out in the open, their vibrant colors mocking me with their lack of camouflage. The amount of noise they should have made while getting here would have definitely gotten my attention, yet not a sound was heard. What made things worse was that they were blocking my only means of escape. The path I took to get here was now partially walled off by those four legged beasts. A retreat was not in my favor, even if I shot a grenade from my M203 into the crowd to clear a path, the amount of rotations it would achieve before hitting one of them, wouldn’t be enough for the payload to activate. Even still, I would be caught in the explosion if the timer wasn’t an issue! Regardless of that, these creatures had the numerical upperhand. If I charged that line instead trying to body my way through it, I could be taken down in an instant. Shooting my way out would only work for 30 rounds before my mag would run dry and they’d get the drop on me before I could slap home a new one.
Therefore my options were slim to none, I couldn’t really do anything except stand here and wait for them to make the first move. Maybe if I saw how they’d attack me, I’d be able to wessel my way out.
So for the time being, I found myself standing there dumbfounded on what to do next. But besides the fact that I could be, quite frankly, totally fucked at this juncture, I just couldn’t wrap my brain around the absurdity of the situation. Was I not paying close enough attention to my surroundings? Was I tuned out of reality for the time I spent scouting? Or, even worse, did these bright as day hooved horse looking motherfuckers really outmaneuver me so easily? How insulting would that be if it were the truth, and oh how quickly I would be to defend myself if it were.
My eyes darted from left to right as I kept on weighing my options in my head, each solution I got, my window of survivability got smaller and smaller. I began to grow anxious as my stressed brain kept crunching numbers away whilst I became restless in this encirclement. I looked into the eyes of these creatures as they stared up at me, their faces blank without expression. They looked confused or lost as if they weren’t sure what to do, or they weren’t sure what they were looking at... which was probably the case as I might have been the first human they had ever come into contact with. Despite my worrying, they didn’t seem to be hostile, for the most part.
Over the sound of my beating heart, now in my ears at this point due to the tensity of the situation, came a nagging call to action. It was a shouting, teeth on flesh kind of carnal blood lust that was slowly coaxing my finger towards the trigger. The shouting became self-evident and loud enough to the point that I could hear it inside me like the beating of war drums, like the beating of my heart. My subconscious was coming back out, my warrior’s spirit was taking over again.
“KILL… kill… Kill… KILL…” I looked down to see my thumb flicking the safety switch on my rifle to fully-automatic… It was only then did I wrestle my calm thinking self on top of my mirror’s eagerness for bloodshed.
“STOP!” I shouted from within my mind, loud enough to break through the haze of the hungry and frenzied subconscious.
I quickly flicked my vision away from my rifle as I looked at the reflection of my eyes in the back of my mask’s lenses. There I saw my eyes stare back into me. I saw myself for what I was. I gathered the courage to reply, letting my words strike at this corrupted mirror of myself..
“These creatures I have deemed to be non-hostile to me. There is no reason for me to escalate this situation further than it already has... I am going to stand down and place my weapon back onto condition one. End of story,” I spoke softly to my mirror.
“You do not get to make that decision, Adrian. I do, and in doing so I have seen fit to suspect that these creatures do, in fact, harbor hostile intent. After all, if they weren’t hostile towards us, then why would they block off our only means of escape? Why would they surround us like this? Better yet, why would they outnumber us a hundred to one? It’s clear as day, they mean us harm!” my mirror thought back to myself.
“Look at them! They’re just curious as to why we’re here. If they were hostile, they would have already attacked by now,” I whispered icily in return.
“You’re judging these creatures based on their looks? Come on Adrian, you’ve been in enough combat zones to know that looks can be deceiving,” my mirror shot back.
“Yeah, maybe that’s true, but this isn’t Kuwait or Somalia and it sure as hell ain’t Black Mesa! That stigma doesn’t apply here. Plus, I have an ROE to follow, they haven’t provoked me yet so I will refuse to attack them, you should know this,” I said back justly.
“Oh, come on! Do you honestly think that these creatures give two shits about your ‘Rules of Engagement?’ We are so far beyond the AO that the ROE doesn't apply! This is about survival!” my mirror yelled back at myself.
“As far as I’m concerned, the ROE always applies, no matter where we are-and on top of that, I believe their actions are justified in response to what we were doing!” I retorted quickly.
“How is this justified?! What have we done to deserve this?!” ‘I’ definitely screamed at myself.
“Are you being serious? We showed up unannounced to their village, possibly trespassing on their sovereignty. We then proceeded to duck into a nearby bush, pull out a pair of binoculars, and spy on them! And finally, on top of all of that we are harboring on our person military grade weapons and armor, weapons and armor they’ve probably never seen before. As far as they are concerned we are a legitimate threat, not the other way around,” I inwardly replied matter-of-factly to myself.
“You are going to get us both killed, you hear me? The moment you stop listening to your gut is the moment you lose your ability to think clearly in combat! Without me you’re nothing, marine! Nothing! You can’t just reject your creed, you can’t just leave behind what you are!”
“I’m not a monster. I’m not a killer. I am a marine, and I know the difference between right and wrong,” I growled back as I tightened the grip on my rifle.
“Your battle buddies sure didn’t seem to know right from wrong when they were lining up scientists to be shot, whilst abusing them for information,” the mirror hissed in return, those words stabbing me in the soul. I reared back and grabbed my mirror inside my mind, putting my subconscious mirrored self into a choke hold.
“YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING WHORE MOUTH YOU PIECE OF SHIT!! WE WERE LIED TO AND YOU KNOW IT!!” I roared at myself. I laughed while I choked myself with my mind trying to shut it up.
“Thaaaats it! THAT’S THE ANGER OF A DEVIL DOG!! NOW GO!! USE THAT ANGER!! KILL THESE ALIENS!!” The mirror wailed back trying to egg me on as I choked. But I was better than that and I was in control this time. Whatever this voice was just lost sovereignty over my mind with that comment. I would not have my marines be slandered like this, even if what he said was true.
We were lied to by those we trusted in command of our unit. They forced us to commit humanitarian atrocities against our own people. I will never get over that, or forgive that. What I can however get over is this voice. This blood lusting demon in my mind needed to leave...or at least it needed to be shoved deep down back into my subconscious before it manifested again.
“No. I refuse your reality.” With that I did as I thought I would. I pushed that voice deep down into a black hole, a metaphorical hole inside my mind and I covered it up with as much thought as I could to keep it from coming out again. I buried that voice as fast and as best I could. I buried it alive as I piled on the good memories and the happiness I had found throughout my life. I patted it down hard and tight as best I could and yet despite this, it was able to get one more thing out before it was silenced as I kept on shoveling the good vibes.
“No matter how deep you shove me down, I'll always be here... and I’ll make your life a living hell if you don’t start seeing sense! I’ll hurt you where you can’t hurt me marine! You’re finished!” It said before it finally went silent.
Silence. The wind blew a distant breeze as the voice faded away. I stood there, my eyes closed as I let my rifle down from my shoulder. My eyes opened up and looked upon the weapon, it made me sick to think that I could have given to the voice. Ultimately though, I didn’t, and that’s all that mattered. A small victory had been won, and I was the one to rake in the spoils. The non-existent kind. I took in and held onto a deep breath for a moment as I paused to recollect myself. Instinctively I used my thumb to flick the fire selector switch back to safety. I quickly hoisted the weapon over my shoulder, its frame sliding back into position next to my rucksack, and there it would stay, hopefully for a while.
I craned my head down to look at the encircling horses, they all looked to be consumed by confusion and apprehensiveness, their bodies leaning back away from me with uncertainty. The horses were scared, that much was obvious, so I needed to do something non-threatening in order to fix what I had done. Whatever that something was, needed to be done quickly. So I did the only thing I thought was appropriate.
Without a word being spoken to these creatures, I took a knee and slowly brought myself down to the ground so that my height above them wasn’t a massive factor here. I then sat indian-style on the ground and placed my hands on my knees in a very non-threatening manner. Of course, I didn’t take off my mask, that was going to stay on as long as I could keep it on. It housed my head up display and other tactical data that I needed to see; it was simply too important to take it off, especially now.
The mood surrounding me turned around almost instantly. The horse creatures looked amongst themselves, their eyes showing clear signs of even greater confusion. Some shook their heads and others shrugged their shoulders, it was very strange to witness. Such intelligence and human-like mannerisms wasn’t something I was expecting from these horses. Maybe they were a lot smarter than I thought.
“Excuse me! Please everypony make way!” The sudden sound of talking cut the air like a butcher's knife as the sound of mumbling would rise up from the crowd.
The moment the voice spoke out, the first thing I thought was, it was English! Whoever just showed up spoke my language! Finally someone I could speak to! My hopes immediately shot through the roof, was it someone I knew? Could they have been someone from Black Mesa? These thoughts alone got my attention and because of this my head instantly did a one-eighty towards the location of the voice. What I saw confused me greatly. I spun my head around, expecting to see somebody I could recognize as human, only for me to see two more of these creatures slowly walking over to me while they waded through the crowd.
There was nobody here, I only saw more quadrupeds. Confused, I spun my body around to get a better look while trying to see beyond the two that were approaching me, assuming the person that spoke was hidden behind them. That was until the voice came back. It came from the smaller of the two new arrivals. The horses were speaking English.
"Please! We need to get through, could you all like, just take a few hoofsteps to the left or right? That would be really appreciated," the voice came from the smaller of the two new horses that had walked on scene. It was an orange maned cream coated one, with a pair of dark golden eyes. I was pretty sure that this one was more than likely a female. I was ninety-five percent sure of that considering its voice was high pitched and it had very feminine eyelashes beneath its eyelids.
However, the one that walked beside her looked way different than all the other creatures in the crowd. This one was much, much taller in comparison. Hell it might have been just as tall as me. It boasted long legs and it walked with a proud trot as it approached me confidently with its chest puffed out much further than the others. This one was obviously a part of the elite of their kind, if not straight up their leader. Bestowed upon its head was a golden crown just in front of it's horn, which too seemed taller than all the others. This one also looked female, but it didn’t speak yet, instead it looked very reserved and kept it’s eyes on mine the whole time, almost creepily. Their coat tone was a dirty, light yellowish white color, while their mane was a dual tone of both a light and dark teal. It also had eyeliner on its eyelids that matched their mane with eyes that were a fiery red that. As the horse-like creature continued to watch me, they burned a hole into the center of my forehead, as if it were trying to mind fuck me.
I didn’t like that look, it was filled with a dominating presence.
As the two quadrupeds made their way further into the crowd, the horses began to bow their heads to the taller one as she passed them. This confirmed it, she must be their leader. Either that, or she was a noble of some sort that they needed to pay respects to. As to not be that much of an arrogant asshole, I stood up slowly and kept my attention on them as they approached me. I did not bow to her like they did... the only person this American bows to is God.
Stretching myself out back to my normal height, the realization that I was still in fact the tallest one here became apparent. My height quickly rose above the tall noble’s head by a good three inches, which forced a look of surprised fear onto the one who walked beside her. Despite the disparity,, in a show of what I could only sense was resilience to me, she kept staring me down, not phased/affected by my size at all. I had to give her credit where credit was due, she was doing all the right things to impress me and represent her people. Her assistant however took a moment to gather herself.
“U-Uh... P-Please, make way for Rain Shine! Thank you! Thank you…” The cream colored one spoke out again as they finally made their way into the clearing within the circle. They now stood roughly a foot away from me. I looked down to the smaller one, and then she looked up at me. While she had looked scared before, her emotion now had changed to that of being stressed. She would start to speak again, but this time her voice was choppy and even more broken up, as if she was trying to remember certain things to say in a certain manner. Like a kid at a spelling bee.
“U-Uhm… Hello! M-My name is, Autumn Blaze! I am honored to welcome you to... Perilous Peaks! We hope that… uhm, your journey here was an easy one! As the Kirin Foreign Ambassador and representative of the Kirin race to newcomers, I hope that you have come in peace… and good will!” While she spoke to me, she would at times glance up at the taller one and clear her throat. It was obvious that this was more than likely the first time she had to do this, maybe she was a new hire and she was nervous on her first day. However, despite the hiccups along the way, she got her greeting out rather well.
Soon after she was done speaking, she turned and spoke to the one that I assumed was called Rain Shine. She spoke in a loud whisper as her nervousness came rushing out of her like a dam that had been broken.
“Did I do good, Rain Shine? I mean I think I did good. I read everything out on the card that needed to be read, I spoke with passion I looked it in the eyesandIbarelyhadanyhiccupsthisti-” Her muffled rant would trail off into incomprehensible whispers as visible beads of sweet rolled off her forehead. It would quickly stop as her leader reached down and placed a hoof onto her snout, while quieting her with a hush.
She then looked down to Autumn and smiled, giving her a slow affirming nod. A loud almost comical sigh of relief exhaled from her lungs as she wiped her hoof across her brow after Rain Shine’s hoof was removed from her snout. It looked as if she could have passed out right then and there, but she held herself together even though I knew her nerves were eating her up inside. Finally, after tending to her for a moment, quieting her fears through hushed whispers, the tall one known as Rain Shine turned back to me. She began her own welcoming speech… and it started with her bowing her head to me slowly.
“Greetings wayward traveler. My name is Rain Shine, leader of the Kirins,” her head would slowly come back up as her eyes reaffixed themselves to mine, “you must excuse our behavior,” She gestured with a hoof to her staring subjects all around us, “we were not expecting any visitors this week! No letter had been delivered to us informing me of anypony coming, so this borderline hostile reaction from us is just a precaution! You must understand our concern; we don’t get many visitors around here,” She announced eloquently whilst slowly trotting clockwise around me before stopping, getting a better look at me whilst also sizing me up to see if I really was a threat, or a threat they could handle.
“Our friends here alerted us of a great disturbance that was headed our way, one that to them felt hostile.” When she said the word friends, the white and black rabbits from earlier would hop on up to her forehooves as they appeared from the crowd behind her, their ears perking up as they looked up at me.
They were acting like scouts this whole time, I had a feeling that’s what they were but something told me that the rabbits didn’t have the cognitive capabilities to perform such a task. Clearly I was wrong.
“Normally they wouldn’t have assumed or reacted this way if it were somepony they were familiar with, but you being… the way that you are, put them off. I’m not exactly sure what they saw in you to garner their hostile assumptions, but I would like to hope that whatever that may have been was just a misconception or a misunderstanding... then again, they’ve never been wrong before,” she spoke icily, as she took a very sturdy step forward, showing me that she was in charge here and that I, as a newcomer, would need to earn her trust before she stood down. Needless to say, I was still very impressed.
“Now. With that in mind, who are you, what are you, and why have you come here?” She said with a stern narrowed look in her eyes. A stern look that I would echo back with one of my own, holding my ground much as she was. I would not be intimidated so easily.
“Your majesty, if I may call you that, my name is Adrian Shephard and I am a human being, a male human if we’re being specific. I am also a marine, a Corporal to be exact, in the United States Marine Corps Special Forces Group. I’m a part of the 1st HEC Battalion, formally recognized as the HECU, or the Hazardous Environment Combat Unit, based out of Fort Santego, Arizona,” I took a moment to pause to let all of that sink in for a moment. I slowly looked around at the encirclement of horses now known as Kirin. Their eyes kept themselves glued to me now more than ever before as I’m fairly certain that they too didn’t expect me to speak their language.
“... and to answer your final question with utmost honesty, I have come here with no purpose. I have been dumped here due to some cosmic malpractice or because of my own irrelevance. Without anywhere to go and in a place that I was in no way familiar with, I sought shelter and happened to come across your kingdom by sheer coincidence. I apologize for arriving with a hostile demeanor, for my intentions were not to cause confusion or mass panic, but you must understand that I am in unknown territory and I must defend myself at all costs. No matter what.” I finish my explanation and return my attention back to Rain Shine, whose face by now had changed.
She was no longer as stern and aggressive towards me like before, instead, she was surprised. But, despite her change in tone, she was still protective of her people. As the silence returned and the knowledge I dispensed had settled in, Rain Shine spoke again.
“I am unfamiliar with some of the terminology you’ve used to describe yourself and I’m not knowledgeable on the place you’ve come from but... am I correct to assume that you are a soldier?” She asked, looking down at my uniform and glancing at the weapon I held in my hands. I nodded once.
“Yes. I’m a marine, a different kind of soldier but still a soldier. How did you know?” I ask, as my head cocked gently to the side at her correct assumption. It was obvious that I was a soldier, but I wanted to understand her thought process for jumping to this conclusion.
“You mentioned in your description that you were based out of, meaning that you came from, a base in this case a fort. Fort… San-... San-tae-go, Santego.” Her pronunciation of the base was funny to me as she circled her hoof around sounding out the word.
“Yes, Fort Santego Arizona. The complex specializes in training normal marines to become HECU marines,” I would quickly explain. She would nod, placing a hoof to her chin as she pondered on the spot.
“Hmm… Right. Well, we’ve never had anything like you here before, especially somepony with your kind of background. Because of that I must ask: do you intend on causing harm to me or my Kirin?” She demanded coldly, her eyes squinting at me with malice. I knew I had stated already that I meant no harm, but I could understand her cautious nature towards me.
“No, Your Majesty. We marines are taught and trained well, we don’t hurt those who don’t hurt us first. It is in our Rules of Engagement. That is, of course, unless we have orders that say otherwise. Right now though, I'm all alone and not in contact with my command element or my unit, so I have no orders. You have my honest word that no harm shall come to your subjects, whatsoever. I swear to God,” I quickly explained while swearing to the Lord. With this pledge firmly planted in her mind, Rain Shine would nod and smile at me.
“Then I shall hold you to that,” She quietly accepted before turning around. She raised her voice to the crowd.
“Attention please! Hear my words: This human is not here to hurt us. I can see now that a hostile response to his arrival was uncalled for. You may return to your daily activities so that I and our visitor may speak privately about the duration of his stay.” With that, all of the Kirin around us bowed to her and stood before they slowly trickled back into the town, the sound of clopping hooves overpowering all other noise around me. I watched them as they left, keeping an eye on them, making sure they weren’t trying to ambush me now. Some would spark up conversations with each other as they passed me, they were all low murmurs so that I couldn’t hear them but I could tell I was being judged. It was obvious that there was still fear or mistrust in their hearts for me as they left while they spoke. It was understandable and to be expected.
After some time, the area was left empty… Except for me, Rain Shine, and Autumn Blaze who stayed behind under Rain Shine’s orders. The area was quiet again and a sigh of relief departed my lips of which was muffled through my mask. The two remaining Kirin spoke once more, turning to me
“I am truly, deeply sorry about our response to your arrival. I do hope that your opinion of us isn’t too ruined already,” Rain Shine spoke as she gazed out to her village, watching the Kirin. I looked down at her with a brow raised.
“What? Oh-no no, I understand completely as to why you did the things that you did. Hell, I think they were the right thing to do given the situation. If I were in your shoes I would have done the same thing,” I replied reassuringly. She nodded and slowly turned away from overlooking her people while she said something.
“The glass cup cannot boil water for long,”
“Excuse me?” I asked, confused by the vagueness of the statement. She looked up to me and was about to speak and explain herself but her words were cut away by Autumn.
“It means paranoia will grow and boil over if not kept in check,” she said, smiling brightly while assuming she understood the metaphor and judging by the almost exhausted smile from Rain Shine, she got it right.
“Yes… Yes that is correct, thank you Autumn,” she said in a motherly tone, “but what I meant by it exactly is that I sense my Kirin are still very scared of you.” I would slowly nod to this. It was obvious that they were still scared of me. It didn't take a genius to see that.
“No amount of reassurance from me alone can satiate their fears. I’m sorry that they don’t trust you, Corporal Shephard. You are quite the imposing force and something that they’ve never seen before.” Hearing her call me that was strange and a bit unsettling.
“Your Majesty, you don’t need to call me Corporal. Adrian is fine,” I replied, trying to break down the barrier between us a bit more to try and ease the tension.
“And you don’t need to call me ‘Your Majesty,’ Rain is fine,” She immediately fired back, almost as if I had insulted her. I was a bit taken back by this. Was she not the ruler of the Kirin, or was I just getting the wrong impression on who she was? Rain Shine took a deep breath before continuing.
“Our little village is no kingdom. We have no sweeping landscapes and endless skies to rule over. Therefore I am no princess, I am no queen, I’m just Rain Shine… their… leader.” My brow rose ever slightly as I looked to the pointed crown on her head and the overall size of her.
She was definitely giving off the wrong signals if she didn't want to be called Your Majesty, but I could respect a leader that would forfeit the title of a ruler to be closer to their subjects. I respected that wholeheartedly.
“That is very honorable and admirable of you, Rain Shine. Where I come from, most of our world leaders take their names with gusto, puffing out their chests whilst parading themselves around like they’re all that and then some. I can respect a leader that is strong in their leadership as they are in their duty to their people,” I cheerfully replied.
“And for a soldier, or a ma-... mah-reen... I can respect and admire your ability to represent yourself as not only proud, but also humble at the same time. You have my respect in that regard Adrian,” She said with a much brighter smile and a face that was now looking more optimistic by the second.
“Yeah, I agree with Rain Shine! To be honest, I thought this whole situation was going to spiral waaay out of control! Boy, I’m sure glad I was wrong! Right, Rain Shine?” Autumn chimed in eagerly.
“I’ve never seen the Kirin move that fast to surround somepony like that before, even when the Equestrians came to see us for the first time. You really had us scared there for a moment, but I’m nonetheless glad that you’re understanding" Rain Shine piped up before Autumn could say anything else, while placing a hoof on her back.
“Well, I’m glad that the first contact with our new friend here didn't go down a darker path, as I feel it easily could have, given the wrong information,” Rain said, relief flooding her voice as she looked down to Autumn.
“I’m glad as well,” I spoke, agreeing with her. A smile crept across my face beneath my mask
While things seemed to be getting friendlier between me and these two Kirin, I couldn't help but get the feeling that Rain Shine was being just a bit too friendly. I didn’t exactly have that much concrete evidence to support that but I just felt like there should have been more resistance to me arriving here to begin with. I felt like this issue was resolved too quickly...
My jungle boots pounded against the tiles of a reinforced concrete floor. Equipment rattled away against my body while industrial sirens filled the stagnant air of a dull warehouse corridor. My breathing was heavy and fast, it was deafening behind my mask. All the other noises around me seemed to be drowned out by it. My legs ached, my feet hurt, my vision was going blurry from stress and fatigue, but I kept going as I sweated through the pain of needing to stop to catch my breath. I wouldn’t stop, I couldn’t stop, I needed to escape, I needed to get out of this hell hole. I already escaped once, I’m not getting trapped here again in my dreams. The demon labyrinth that was Black Mesa had coiled it’s way around my subconscious and had returned me here, stuffing me back behind it’s thick soulless walls of concrete and steel. I didn’t belong here anymore, yet here I was. Everything I passed looked like it was on repeat, as if I was running on a three dimensional treadmill. I kept passing the same rooms over and over again. The ceiling lights kept showing up in the same patterns, the walls next to the rooms weren’t changing and kept displaying the same signs and computers. It was all just one long corridor with no end in sight that kept looping back in on itself. So I just kept running, I had no other option. It was either keep moving and stay hopeful, or stop and die.
I stopped dead in my tracks as I felt a chilling change in the atmosphere. My heels dug into the linoleum, grinding my rapid pace to an abrupt halt, feeling the changes around me carefully as I slowly looked around. It felt like someone had just repaired an air conditioner, or opened a freezer. Gusts of teeth chattering wind came up from behind me and swirled around in the air. I looked off to my right just in time to see the glass on a bullet proof security checkpoint window freeze up then crack under the cold pressure. The chilled, foggy white film expanded across its surface turning the glass into a fragile sheet of ice, while the metal border of the window grew icicles. A slow-turning ceiling fan above me was creaking away trying to circulate the air, now quickly froze to a stop while the electricity from the lights seemed to flicker a bit before dimming slightly.
I could see my breath in front of me as misty clouds, puffing out through my gas mask while my lenses fogged up around their edges. My exposed fingers felt frigid as they went numb almost instantly, so I gripped my rifle harder to try and circulate blood better. I looked around for the source of the cold or anything that could justify a sudden change in the environment. It was so sudden, so out of place. It was supernatural.
I turned around to find a marine standing behind me. I gasped lightly while my body jolted in fear. His presence startled me; I hadn’t seen him before now and his physical appearance was extremely distressing. He was grayscaled, all black and white like some old-timey photograph. The skin I could see was chalky and white, unnatural like a ghost. He wore a mask, but his lenses were tinted black and I couldn’t see his eyes, but I could feel him staring at me.
So I stared back.
We stood there in that freezing corridor, staring at each other while the icy, frigid cold began to seep into my body and my very mind. The man looked like he was breathing slowly as his chest rose and fell, yet I didn’t see air coming from his mask. I didn’t want to engage him, whoever he was, but I felt almost drawn to him for some reason. He had this atmosphere surrounding him. It didn’t bode well for me but it beckoned to me at the same time. Something deep inside me told me he was the source of the cold.
“Identify yourself! Who are you, and what are you doing here?” I barked, raising my rifle to my shoulder readying myself for whatever this person would throw at me. The figure spoke shortly after, his voice deep and robotic. His mask's microphone projector must have been damaged because whatever he said was louder than normal and almost unintelligible. This combined with his appearance, made what he said heart stoppingly eerie.
“You know who I am...” His words sounded like they were all around me but I could clearly tell he was the one speaking.
“If I knew who you were, I wouldn’t have asked. Now quit bullshitting me, who are you!?” I hollered back at him.
“I’m you, Adrian…” He said as his head nodded towards me. I growled in anger at his response.
“Oh… It’s you. Figured you’d try and surface again while I was conscious. Get the hell out of my way! I’m getting out of this dream, and if you so much as get in my way I swear to God, I will put you down like the vermin you are,” I ordered back, while taking a step towards him to reassert my dominance.
“Such bravado… Such anger… Such dominance… This is a feeling I’m sure you'll never feel again, so get your money's worth while you’re here,” The man hissed while he extended his pasty white arms out to his sides, “As much as you hate Black Mesa, this was the only place that made you feel alive, Adrian. Nowhere else gave you this kind of freedom. Even the previous combat zones you served in, you were just one amongst many, but here? You were like a God amongst men and you know it,,” the marine said as he took a step towards me, his arms still stretched out in a tauntingly open gesture. I stood my ground and put his head square into my iron sights.
“If you keep coming towards me, I’ll cut this conversation short, stay where you are!” I demanded, now getting more irritated, and just the tiny bit scared.
“Do I scare you, Adrian? Are you afraid to look in the mirror because you fear what will stare back? Are you afraid because you see me? Well you shouldn’t be because this is the face evil sees when it looks upon you while it begs for mercy! This is the face of a warrior! And it belongs to you! Can’t you see that? Don't you want to hold onto that? This is the face of someone who follows orders! Something you didn’t have the balls to do while you were here, trapped in this concrete tomb!” The figure said as it walked closer still, “If you can’t see that, then I will make you see! For your own good before you try and forget me. Good marines follow orders! No matter the cost!” And with that, I was done giving him time to comply.
I moved my finger off the ring guard, flicked the safety off, and pulled the trigger. Only for my trusted rifle to go click. A misfire? I frantically look down at my weapon while ejecting the mag from it. The magazine was filled and perfectly fine. I slam it home again and charge the rifle, a cartridge flying from the ejection port as a new one fed into the barrel. I pulled the trigger again at the now much closer man. Again no dice.
“What’s wrong marine? Can’t get it up? Not the first time you spared a hostile target,” the man taunted as he walked closer still, his arms still open at his sides, as if waiting for me to shoot him.
“Fuck!” I threw the rifle away in anger, and drew my sidearm, ''I said stay back you fucking freak!” I screamed at him again. A loud asthmatic robotic cackle bellowed from his mouth.
“You disappoint me Adrian. Here I thought you were the one marine in your whole unit that didn’t have a problem maintaining his weapons, yet here you are. Pathetic,” This vile creature said as he kept getting closer.
I pointed my weapon towards him again and flicked the safety off, and pulled the trigger. But yet again another click, another failure to fire. I didn't waste any time ejecting the mag out to try and clear a malfunction this time. I instead just decided to throw the hand gun at him in desperation. The magnum pistol hurtled towards him like an expensive paperweight, and with inhuman speed, coordination, and hand movements, the marine caught the handgun and brought it to bare, racking the slide.
He then pointed it towards me. He was so close at this point that I knew he wouldn’t miss. I stared down the barrel of my own gun with fear.
“What’s wrong, corporal? Having trouble taking out the trash? Here, let me help you with that,” The marine growled happily. I tried to run but I couldn’t move.
I found myself frozen on the spot as the hammer on the pistol cocked. It wasn’t fear that had me so still, I was more angry than afraid. I was physically frozen, I couldn’t move. It was as if the proximity of the figure in front of me had an effect on my body. He didn’t want me to escape, he wanted me here. He wanted me dead.
“Fuck you! Eat shit and die! No matter what you say you’ll never be me! I’m stronger than whatever you are!” I screamed out in desperation, hoping that maybe someone would stop him from shooting me. But as my voice echoed off into the hall, no one came. I was alone with myself.
“I’m your subconscious, your warrior’s spirit, and there is nothing stronger than me. I'm the last hope you’ve got of ever making it home.” His slimy words were the last thing I heard from the marine as my vision was occupied with the barrel of my pistol before suddenly, everything went black, like someone had cut the light.
It felt like I went deaf for a moment as all sound around me stopped. I didn’t hear a gunshot, nor did I feel as though I had been shot. It just felt like time stopped and I was freezing in the dark. The sound of my breathing and wind were all I could hear. I didn’t hear the alarms anymore, or the sounds of the facility for that matter. The dream was shattered. I tried blinking my eyes in the dark and sure enough my eyes fluttered, and I came to.
I found myself in my scout tent, tucked into my sleeping bag on my roll-out mat, the sound of wind and the cold was just the forest and the world around me, it was never the facility, I wasn’t really there. It was all just a dream.
Yet despite this, I was still staring down the barrel of my gun. My eyes narrowed in the dim light of the morning sun as it filtered through my tent’s walls and I came face to face with the silhouette of the barrel of my magnum pistol. Only that guy wasn’t holding it.
I was holding it.
The realization of what was happening, on what I was going to do to myself came to me rather quickly. I nervously began to shake as hot flashes washed over my body, making me shiver and physically recoil in disgust from what I was about to do. A long breath came from my mouth and fogged the glass of the goggles on my mask as I started to breathe normally. It felt like I had held my breath since I woke up. It felt as if my very sanity were screaming out, shaking at the barred cage of my mind and body, hammering at me to put the weapon away. All it would take was a bit of torque from my finger and that was it for Adrian Shepherd.
I took the pistol away from my face, and slammed it to the ground with shaking hands. I drew deep breath aftwr deep breath as I tried to calm down. After some time gathering myself slighty, I slipped the magnum snugly back into place in its holster, and when it was home, I released a massive sigh of relief. I was dangerously close to just throwing the weapon across the tent and away from me, but I gathered myself just enough not to do that. It wasn’t the gun’s fault it was my fault, no need to throw it and damage it or something, after all, who would fix it if I broke it. I was counting my lucky stars… I was so close to death. I pulled myself up into a sitting stance, and placed my hands over my face, rubbing my eyes and the sweat off my forehead and eyebrows.
I let out a deep sigh as I reached over towards my ALICE rucksack, looking for a certain something to ease my mind. Something that was very important to me. My mental state at the moment was in shambles, no amount of meditation was going to soothe this beast, but luckily I knew something that would. I opened the bag and began rummaging around inside quickly as I tossed things out of the way haphazardly. The thing I knew I needed was a book. A book that would deliver unto me a way to distract and defeat my demons. A leather-bound savior for my most troubled times.
There was only one tome of literature that I had in my possession that could do this.
As my hand made contact with it, I pulled it out and opened the cover of the book. I quickly flipped to an earmarked section that I always turned to in times of need, for I needed it now more than ever. The words I needed to reflect upon were wise, wiser than me. They were also extremely powerful, more powerful than me too, as they were able to stand against the tests of time, something I knew I would eventually crumble to. I turned to these scriptures when I was in Kuwait. I read through these same passages when I was in Somalia... and I held onto these words in my memory throughout my time with the HECU. And so, I turned to it again now once more, to do the same thing I did then. I would reflect on myself.
“Deliver me from my enemies, O my God; protect me from those who rise up against me; deliver me from those who work evil, and save me from bloodthirsty men. For behold, they lie in wait for my life; fierce men stir up strife against me. For no transgression or sin of mine, O Lord, for no fault of mine, they run and make ready. Awake, come to meet me, and see! You, Lord God of hosts, are God of Israel. Rouse yourself to punish all the nations; spare none of those who treacherously plot evil,” I would sigh as I read on to the next Psalm, and then onto the next.
As the words kept coming, my eyes kept reading. My mind was slowly pulled back down to Earth as the soothing words of the Holy Bible washed over my fears. And after three pages of sacred texts I felt as though I had collected myself and brought inner peace back to my sanity. I quickly spoke the ‘Our Father’ prayer and gave a quick gesture of the Holy Trinity across my chest before I closed the Bible, and as the tome fell back into my bag, I let out a long breath of relief.
“My god… What the fuck was that?” I whispered to myself, “I’ve had nightmares in the past but they were nothing like that. Who was that guy? Was that guy really me?” I slid both my hands to my knees before I began rubbing them along the fabric of my pant legs beneath my sleeping bag. I was trying to warm myself up, while also trying to still calm down even further to try and make sense of what I saw. I let out another sigh as I looked around the dimly lit interior of my tent.
“So, great… On top of my already FUBARed situation, I have to deal with night terrors now. Fantastic. God, the fun just doesn’t end around here, does it?” I took my hands away from my pants and laid them on top of the sleeping bag as I lazily continued to look around my tent, “And what the does he mean by… he’s the last hope I got of ever making it home? Go fuck yourself. I’m not killing myself just to escape my situation. That’s the coward's way out," I reassured myself defiantly.
Something told me that the nightmare was going to come back again, and that this was only going to get worse every night. I hoped I was wrong in assuming, but I knew I was right, I wasn’t that lucky. My luck ran out when I left Black Mesa. However on the bright side, nobody saw what I had tried to do to myself, so I guess that was lucky. This was a one person tent after all, big enough for me, my rifle, and my gear. And although having a battle buddy or a female companion to share it with would be nice, but right now it wouldn’t be. I also didn’t have access to either of those luxuries at this time. As a matter of fact, I didn’t have a lot of luxuries right now, period.
I had told Rain Shine yesterday that I was going to be sleeping outside for the duration of my stay. I said I'd only stay as long as I needed, but she insisted I'd stay as long as I pleased. She quite respectfully offered me a place to stay at the house they use for foreign dignitaries when they come to visit. She said that it had been recently built and was big enough for me. I’m not sure why she did this, it seemed very forward. Maybe they didn't get visitors that often.
I declined obviously, telling her that she’d need that residence for real dignitaries, and that I would be more than comfortable outside in my tent. She then asked me to stay with her at her home, which was sort of awkward at the time and still awkward now that she would suggest that. She said it was one of the few buildings besides the dignitary house that had room to accommodate me. Rain Shine further tried to persuade me by saying she would be able to help me right away if I needed any help adjusting to life here. I declined again saying that the Kirin of the town were scared of me, and that they didn’t trust me. Having me stay at her home would be a very bad idea.
She begrudgingly agreed with this and eventually caved in, and let me deny their luxuries on my own terms alowing me to stay outside, but with one condition that I needed to abide by.
The condition was that her assistant would come to see me every morning an hour after the sun rose to check up on me. Though I protested saying that it wasn’t necessary, she was quite insistent. I’m not one hundred percent sure why she was being so pushy in trying to ensure my safety. Something tells me Rain Shine knows I’m fully capable of taking care of myself. Maybe that’s what she’s afraid of, after all I did show up here unannounced bearing weapons. She more than likely just wants to keep tabs on me to make sure I'm not doing anything I'm not supposed to be doing. Bringing me into the dignitary house or her own home would seeing me being spied on every day to make sure I wasn't plotting somrthing. That’s a pretty good explanation but I think there's more to that than meets the eye, maybe I'll understand at some point. My other theory that is less likely to be the case, is that she’s trying to force interaction between our species to show her subjects that I’m not a monster.
I don’t know why she’s trying to do that, but seeing the fear in those Kirin's eyes as they returned to their homes after I arrived, it showed me that it was going to take some time for them to see me as just a human and not a scary monster man. Of course... maybe I was a scary monster man, maybe my nightmares are true.
-An hour after the sun had risen.-
I sat on a rather large rock outside my tent as I watched the sunrise over the mountains far off in the distance. I based my campsite around this rock, placing my campfire in front of it and my tent behind it. I figured I would use this rock as a chair, seeing as how I didn't have one. The morning was cold but it was getting warmer as the sun rose higher. It felt like fall was around the corner which was nice, I liked the fall season for no other reason than Thanksgiving and family get-togethers.
While I sat on my rock, I brushed my teeth. I thanked my lucky stars that I had any hygiene equipment to begin with. The equipment that was allowed for the operation at Black Mesa had 72 hour provisions, which included a toothbrush, and toothpaste. I was fortunate for that, as I did enjoy a good teeth scrubbing. The brush was a generic nameless plastic brand but the toothpaste was Colgate. We were greenlit to bring the travel size tube of toothpaste and the flavor we were given was Colgate Total Deep Clean, a personal favorite of mine and the other marines at Fort Santago.
I liked this brand, it had a very minty fresh finish and it kept my breath smelling good for a while, at least until I ate something. Which is why I was brushing now, I had just finished up my small rationed out breakfast. It was from a 24 hour FSR ration. Of course, I only ate the Oatmeal Cookie and drank the Nescafe Coffee after brewing it up over a fire. I'd save the rest for later, I needed to make my food last for as long as I could. I didn’t want to go around hunting small forest animals just yet. Luckily we only packed FSR Rations. God bless the quartermasters.
I spat a mouth full of foam onto the ground and took a sip of water from my plastic canteen, while I scanned the village with squinted eyes for Rain Shine’s assistant. It was about time for her to show up. While I was wiping my mouth off on my arm, I saw her. It was the Kirin that I met yesterday, the one that gave me my formal welcoming to their humble village. The one that went by the name of Autumn Blaze. She trotted out from behind a treehouse and started up the path that led to my campsite. I watched her the whole way here from my rock, noting the things she came with.
She wore a pair of glasses that were big, thick rimmed and round. On her midsection, was a saddle bag which looked packed to the brim at the moment that thumped away against her sides. Behind her left ear was an old feather pen, the quill side was facing towards me, and it gently bounced in the breeze as she got closer.
At the speed she was trotting, she would be here soon. I put my oral care instruments away and grabbed my steel coffee canteen while I crossed my left leg over my right while I awaited her arrival. This was going to be an interesting morning.
When Autumn got closer, I saw a bright genuine smile across her face. It was one that was carefree and filled with enthusiasm. It was paired with a set of wide eager eyes that looked back at me as she grew nearer. This smile wasn’t like the one she had when she was trying to impress Rain Shine yesterday. The emotion she held now was actually quite comforting and welcoming to me, though that might have been what she was going for. I soon heard the sound of her hooves through the gentle breeze and the rustling tree leaves as she finally arrived at the campsite. The morning sun danced around her through the tree cover as she came to a stop before me in my clearing. Her smile turned into a full grin as her teeth practically shined in the daylight. I, on the other hand, took a sip from my GI coffee and raised a brow to her as I shifted slightly in my seat.
“Good morning, glad to see you in such high spirts," I greeted her resting my elbow on my crossed leg while I held my coffee in that arms hand. She waved a hoof in greeting and put on a massive smile.
“Morning to you too! Oh it's so good to see you again all though I wasn't expecting to see you up so soon, but that's totally fine! Hopefully you slept well given your current situation and all," She asked looking past me towards my tent as her ears flicked a bit, "I'm sure it was unnerving to sleep somewhere you've never slept before unless you've been living here for longer than we know, but I don't think that's the case.” She said looking back to me with an excited grin. It seemed she was full of energy that was just trying to get out.
“Yep, slept like a baby, thank you for asking,” I said before taking another sip of coffee. She raised her brow taking her eyes off the tent before looking back at me with a bit of confusion.
“You slept like a baby? Ha! That's funny!" She said with a bit of skepticism while still carrying the high spirits. I chuckled.
“What? What's funny about it? Is it wrong that I don’t need a bed to sleep in, to sleep well? I'm sure I could sleep anywhere, given the time,” I said before taking another small sip from my warm drink. Autumn looked worried for a second as she quickly tried to back pedal.
“Oh no no no! There's nothing wrong with that it's, just not what I'm used to that's all! You no doubt have more experience in that field then I do!" She smiled nervously I grinned at her, my lips on my cup. Of course I do.
Whilst I drank from my cup she looked me over. She cleared her throat awkwardly before speaking.
"So this is what a human looks like? Have to admit and, not to sound mean or anything but... I kinda thought you’d look a bit more primitive and hairy around the face area, not that there's anything wrong with that, but you in particularly sure do look different than the pictures,” she said as she looked at my facial features, scrutinizing my hairline. I lowered my coffee and placed the canteen cup down onto the ground while unfolding my legs.
“Why? Because we evolved from apes?” I said, standing up from my rock while I stretched my legs out. She would nod and take a few steps back as I stood, her shadow now interlocking with mine. She would look me up and down, taking in my height as her eyes grazed about at my clothes.
“Well yeah! Our knowledge on humans from Equestrian mythos is like, super limited and we only have a few texts that mention your race, and those blurbs are ancient to say the least. They say you were all really hairy, wore animal skin clothes, and carried around spears to hunt with. I found out this stuff last night with the help of a friend while visiting the library. What's an absolute shame is that we couldn't find anything else except those few ancient testimonials. But I'm sorry, please excuse my ignorance on how you were supposed to look. As far as our records are concerned you’re one of a kind!” She rolled her hoof around as she spoke.
Admittedly I was impressed by her forwardness.
Seeing the other horses react the way they did, I truly thought she would be the same way when given the task of making contact with me. Yet, here she is, talking to me as if there wasn't a care in the world. There was just a bit of apprehensiveness in her voice that I could hear, which only made it sound like she was talking to me at a friends party, not a completely alien species to her and her kind.
“Woah woah woah woah… tap the breaks,” I say pulling my hands up in front of me, “Why are you telling me all this? Why are you asking how I slept? Shouldn’t you be like, poking me with a stick or something? Observing me from a far or whatever?” I inquired, squinting at her with curiosity. She then mirrored my emotion right back.
“Poking you with a sick? W-What? What do you mean? Why would I do that?” She asked, sounding genuinely confused. I gesture to the town behind her.
“The rest of your kind, your Kirin, seem to think that I’m some super evil bad guy or, some sort of monster. I mean you did see the way they reacted to me yesterday right? They weren't exactly giving me a group hug and welcoming me into their homes. Yet here you are, asking me how I slept” I rebuttal. She looked back to the town, and nodded in understanding. The pony sighed as she turned back to me, her front hoof rubbed the back of her neck while her smile disappeared into embarrassment.
“Well Yeah… You’re right. They don’t exactly think you’re the greatest of omens, in fact I'm sure a lot of them wish you weren't here! But I don’t see you like that and neither does Rain Shine and as far as I'm concerned that's all that matters right now,” She admitted, smiling.
“But why? Why aren't you like the rest of them? What makes you so... out going to someone like me?” I asked again.
“Well,” she sat down in front of my rock and looked up to me. I sat down after her to listen to her explanation, “You really haven’t done anything that I or she sees as a threat. Yeah sure you look dangerous but looks can be deceiving! You’re just confused as to where you are which is totally understandable! It seems like you were displaced or dumped here, at least according to Rain Shine. The reason she says this is because your clothing and your appearance seems too foreign to be of this area which I agree with. Plus on top of that, I really don’t have a problem with newcomers, I think they’re great for our community. They bring in the outside world and all its wonders. They bring stories, knowledge, wisdom, and not to mention inspiration for everypony...” she began to trail off towards the end but quickly snapped back to me once she began to gaze up at the sky. “Anyway all of that is probably why I was chosen by Rain Shine to be the Kirin Foreign Ambassador. As the Ambassador I need to be open-minded towards strangers and not be scared of outsiders, no matter how different they look!” I could get behind that answer.
I can dig this Kirin too. She seemed like she had a good head on her shoulders. I think I might get along with her, but we’ll see, after all I don’t think she knows what kind of human I really am. Maybe one day she’ll understand and run away. Maybe I’ll be ousted. Who knows. Or maybe, they’ll be okay with it. But we just met so we'll cross that bridge later.
“Well. I am to assume you will be keeping an eye on me, right? That was part of the agreement of me living, or visiting here,” I said as I stood up from my rock again and shuffled over to my PCV, helmet, and other gear. I slowly began to strap it all up onto my body while I listened to Autumn.
“Well yes! For the greater part of each morning and probably afternoon, I'll be here with you. I'll ask you questions, let you ask me questions, and for the most part make you feel welcome here in our village,” she said as she watched me get suited up. I would nod to this.
“I see… Well you're right about one thing. I am displaced and I'm very displeased about it. I’m not from around here by any means, and saying I’m a foreigner is a bit of an understatement. You might consider me an alien, or an interplanetary traveler or a, uh... whatever. The point is, I’m not of this world.” I turned back towards her as my vest was strapped up onto my torso, only to watch her write things down with her quill onto a notepad.
It was at this point that I found out that the horn on her forehead wasn’t just for show. These Kirin must have been descendants of, or were a different type of unicorn because the pen and paper that she used to write things down was floating in the air all by itself. She was using some kind of magic to levitate her instruments. It was very impressive, and surprising to watch. It was bizarre to look at for a moment but, I’ve seen plenty of bizarre things in my time back at Black Mesa and abroad, so this really wasn’t that big of a deal so I got used to it quickly. She then stopped and looked up at me confused by what I meant.
“Not of this world? What do you mean?” She asked as her golden eyes squinted in confusion.
“I'm from another planet, this is obvious to me, possibly even another universe. I think, I’m the only human here on this planet, I'm as you said, a one of a kind. And if there are other humans out there I'm sure that none of them are quite like me," I explained, reaching down to grab my LBE.
“Yeah I know how that feels being one of a kind and all that. The whole Kirin village not too long ago was forced into silence to keep ourselves from arguing with each other, which was soo boring! And looking back on it super wrong compared to other option we could have taken. It’s because when we get angry we turn into Niriks which ignite into super hot flames and burn things up! To keep that from happening we all took a plunge into the stream of silence which kept us quiet and… Oh, eh-heh... I ramble a lot, sorry. Eh-hem-... what makes you think you’re the only human? Or only human like yourself?” She asks, putting the feather tip down to the paper again. With my LBE up onto the vest, and connected, I tap on my PRC-152 radio with my palm.
“I spoke into this when I first got here, and I had this thing switched on all last night, listening for voices. It’s a handheld radio. It transmits my voice across certain air frequencies that other radios can pick up and relay. If anyone heard me, they would have responded and I would have heard their voices come back through here. So far, nobody has said anything, therefore, I believe I'm the only one of my kind,” I explained as I reached for my rucksack.
“Wait really? That's so cool! How does it work? Like specifically. I’ve never heard of a rayde-o… ray-de-o… radio before. Is it powered by magic?” she asked as she got a bit closer to observe it in greater detail. I laughed gently at her attempts to pronounce it, and at my lack of knowledge on how this thing actually functions.
“Well you see, they’re usually powered by batteries that act as an independent power source. But my radio is special. It taps into the power of my PCV, and it keeps it charged for… well, a very long time. But no magic here, just human technology,” The Kirin didn’t go back to writing this time, she just kept staring at it.
“What else can it do?” She asked, tilting her head, clearly invested in what the radio was.
“That’s it really. It can relay transmissions and take them… That’s all,” I responded, grabbing for my mask and helmet once my rucksack was thrown over my back.
“Oh… Well that’s still really cool but, are you sure it’s not powered by magic? Does your PC- thingy or, whatever it was run on magic, because that sounds like magic to me!” I shook my head as I pulled my mask over my face and engaged the speech module after connecting it to the power supply.
“Yes, the PCV runs on an electrical storage charge. It can be recharged at military issued charging stations or commercial stations as well if it takes damage, and those stations aren't powered by magic, just electricity," I said back. She recoiled a bit at the change in the sound of my voice, but with this new information she began writing again. She would glance up at me a couple times while she wrote, before she stopped again to ask another question.
“And, what's up with the mask and the rest of this stuff you put on yourself? It looks like it weighs a ton and doesn’t seem that comfortable or easy to lug around all day.” I nodded as I scooped up my rifle from the ground.
“It’s not, and you’re right, it is heavy and uncomfortable. Luckily the PCV helps with weight distribution. And luckily for me, it’s not 200 pounds worth of gear, God help me if it was. It’s only about maybe, I don’t know, 60 to 80 pounds? Still a lot but, this stuff keeps me breathing,” She resumed writing away in her little book after I spoke, before she suddenly stopped and pointed with her feather.
“And what about that?” She pointed towards my rifle. Without a second of hesitation I blurted out my answer.
“More than you’ll ever know,” I half charged the receiver and brass checked it, before flicking the safety on. I threw the sling over my shoulders and rested the rifle across my chest. I looked down to her to meet Autumn face to face again.
“So, got everything you needed?” I asked as she wrote up the last bit in her notebook. She nodded and placed the feather back behind her ear while she adjusted her glasses.
“Yes! I think that’s about everything I needed for a good starting point, thank you uh… W-What was your name again, sorry Rain Shine only briefly mentioned it when we spoke last night," she said, her ears slightly folding back as a sheepish smile rose to her face. I smiled behind my mask at this.
“Corporal Adrian Shephard,” I responded back. She nodded and smiled back more formally this time, with her cheery attitude.
"Ah I see, I promise I'll remember it from this point on. Oh actually, I do have another question if you don't mind me asking," I give her a gesture with my hand as if asking her to hand it to me.
"Sure, go on," I said as I watched her flip to a new page in her note book. Autumn cleared her throat.
"How long do you think you'll be staying here? Don't get me wrong I'd love to have you here, well, as long as you'd like but, Rain Shine wants to get a sort of... oh what were the words she used... oh! Time frame on when you'll be leaving." I had considered this question would come up but I never actually gave it any thought. But considering the surroundings outside this valley I didn't want to leave right away, not without getting my bearings and stocking up on food after gaining the trust of these creatures to shop at their stores.
"Well funny you mention that, if it's alright with Rain Shine, I'd like to stay here for a little while. You know, collect my thoughts and take it easy before I go back out there into the desert, you know?" Autumn quickly scribbles what I said down and nods.
"Oh of course of course, I understand that completely haha! I'm sure Rain Shine won't mind at all!" With that, she puts her notepad away and closes her saddlebag. She turns to me again adjusting her glasses as he contently exhales.
“Right Corporal! What do you plan on doing today?” She asked, looking me up and down, taking in all my equipment. I thought about that for a moment. Usually I didn’t have free time to do as I pleased. This was the first time I really had nothing to do.
“To be honest… I… Really don’t know,” I looked off into the far distance, towards the tallest section of the mountains as the sun rose above them. I gazed at their show capped peaks as clouds rolled on by behind them in the great wide blue morning sky. I nodded to myself in confirmation.
You know, after the whole Black Mesa incident, and me being trapped there for roughly three days, my muscles and physical body really got a run for their money. I mean, I sure as hell ran a damn good marathon while I was trapped there. I beat the ever-loving shit out of anything that crossed paths with me. I shot twice my weight in ammunition with every weapon in the HECU arsenal and then some. It helped that I spent most of my time in Black Mesa climbing ladders, swimming with only a few hours of sleep, Ripped Fuel, Adrenaline and Morphine to keep me awake. Judging by the tight burn in my muscles and feeling like I weighed as much as a feather carrying two weapons and full kit, I’d say it was a good work-out. Then again, there’s always room for improvement. I also don’t recall eating anything, like at all, for something like seventy-two whole hours. Hell, not even a chocolate bar. Not such a bad thing though, because I still had all my uneaten MREs.
Regardless of all that, I felt different. I felt stronger, something that I welcomed with open arms. Maybe it was some sort of placebo, but I felt better than I had in years. Especially that moment, ascending that mountain like it was nobody’s business.
“Adrian! W-Wait up!” Autumn Breeze’s voice echoed against the mountain’s face behind me. I suspended my rucking and peeked over my shoulder, getting a firm grip on a rock to steady myself. Sure enough, there she was coming up the rear.
“Gosh! Are you sure you’re not part mountain goat or something? I don’t remember the humans in the legend being this quick on their hooves, er… feet, I guess!” She shouted as she jumped from rock to rock, quickly climbing after me. I laughed for a brief moment.
“Well, I’m not your average human! I’m a United States Marine, I eat terrain like this for breakfast!” I called back as I basked in the distance I had put between us.
“Well if that’s true, let your food digest a bit, will yah? I need to keep an eye on you, and I can’t when you’re like… all the way up there!” Autumn said as she scrambled up the rock-face with the elegance of a billy-goat, closing the distance as best she could.
“Imagine Rain Shines' shock if she found out the human tripped and fell off a mountain while I was watching him! She’d like, have my head, or worse! Oh I don't even want to think about it!” Autumn exclaimed as her eyes flicked down toward the village under us for a brief moment before looking back to me with a look of concentration. I nodded my head in understanding and let out a sigh.
“Alright, alright. I’ll take it easy.” I sat down on a section of rock that jutted out from the mountain face. The side of the mountain I decided to climb up was rather steep, but not too sharp an incline that you could call it rock climbing per say. It was a pleasantly difficult challenge to work around; one I accepted with optimism, and one that I was crushing with my stubborn refusal to turn back. I had passed the treeline a while ago and the wind was plentiful this high up. It felt great as I sat there on that rock, taking it easy. It was there that I could really take in the entirety of the valley below us. This place was something out of a story book, so perfect and picturesque. The colors, the abundance of overflowing life, the way the air just smelled so fresh and clean. It was truly gorgeous in a way that couldn’t be described properly in words, you’d just have to see it for yourself in order to believe.
“You know Autumn, I think you’re right about me digesting the environment around here. This valley you Kirin have is very beautiful. I never really considered myself a wildlife conservationist or a greenpeace kinda dude, but I love the way this place looks. I mean it’s just astonishing,” I complimented, projecting my voice down to Autumn who was now getting to my ridgeline.
I heard a grunt in her voice as the sound of rolling fragmented rocks could be heard next to me. Her hoof popped up over the ledge I sat upon as I looked over to see if she was here. As soon as I saw it, I instinctively got up to help her but she beat me to it, popping herself up over the rock no problem. Autumn exhaled and put her glasses back on before dusting herself off. She then faced out to the landscape below that I was surveying. She grinned and turned to me.
“I’ve lived here my whole life, and I’ve just gotten used to looking at it, the forests, the flowers, the mountains and the wide open skies. But every now and then I look over the valley and just sit there in amazement at the beauty of it all. While realizing just how small I really am, " She'd cock a brow and turn to me. "You really think so? You too think this place is... forever expanding and infinite with it's splendor as if, the everything knows your looking at it so it tries it's darnedest to look it's best for you?" I responded to her nodding my head and sweeping my arm out to the valley below.
“Yes of course! I know people who would kill for a view like this.” Autumn winced at my comment as an awkward air of silence surrounded us, and it took me a second to realize why. I then backpedaled and rephrased it as best I could.
“I-I mean, I don’t know anybody who would actually do that, it’s a figure of speech back home…” Autumn looked at me with an apprehensive gaze before nodding slowly, her ear flicking in my direction.
“Rrrrright… Well, I’m none the less flattered that you think that about our valley that way. I could sort of tell you were an outdoors kind of character by the way you refused all of Rain Shines offers to sleep indoors,” she mused, sitting down onto her haunches as she looked up at me. I looked down to her and leaned back against the rock face as I crossed my one leg over the other, getting just a bit more comfortable while I enjoyed the sights.
“I didn’t sleep in a tent because I liked the outdoors, even though I do. I slept outside because it's not right for me to take up space in your village, I have doctrine to follow.” I replied with honesty to her. Autumn looked back to me and tilted her head slightly, her eyes squinting in confusion.
“What do you mean?” Autumn asked. I mused briefly on how I could explain my reasoning to her, there was probably an easy way of doing it but, I decided to explain it by the book as to, jelp her better understand.
“Well… it’s kind of hard for me to put into my own words so, here let me just show you.” I leaned over and pulled my rucksack into my lap in a swift, practiced motion. I opened the main flap and reached deep into the bag. Fishing around for a moment, I found a worn thick pamphlet and pulled it out. On the cover of the tiny booklet was a picture of George Washington holding a feather quill and next to him was the United States Constitution. Beneath him in golden letters read the words, “My Pocket Constitution,” I opened it with Autumn watching over my shoulder. Her gaze was that of confusion as she watched me flip through it’s worn pages.
“What is a c-con… constetu.. Shun..?” She asks, her upper body leaning over towards me as she twisted her head to look at the cover of the booklet with a confused look on her face. While I was a bit confused as to how she had never heard of the term before, I was more than willing to explain.
“A constitution is a fundamental list of principles in which a government is acknowledged to be governed by. Basically it’s a guide line on how a government should be running itself. Constitutions are usually agreed upon by not only the individuals running the government, but by the people they stand for and represent. Or, at least they should be.” The definition I gave her was crammed into her noggin as she looked over the printed example of the word on the cover of the booklet. Her eyes squinted as she thought about what I said.
“Uuuh… C-Could you explain that to me one more time? I think I understand, but at the same time you sort of lost me… Hehehe… Sorry…” She dryly laughed in a sheepish manner. I cleared my throat and said what I said again, this time a bit slower, and less wordy then before so it was better for her to understand. I really tried to make it sound like I wasn’t talking down to her but, I don’t like explaining things a second time. In my line of work, you either get what someone is trying to tell you or, you’ll miss some key information and probably die before you can ask them to clarify. It’s just how things are where I come from.
After she wrote down what I was trying to tell her she nodded, taking off her glasses and looking over to me again with her fullest attention, “Alright I think I got it, so it’s like a… recipe for success in written form for a country to follow, right?” I nodded. She smiled
“Ah! Okay good, yeah that makes sense. I’m glad I got that but uh,” She puts her glasses back on reading over what she wrote before looking back to me, “What does this have to do with you sleeping outside?” She said, again looking mighty confused. I finally was able to flip to the right page in the booklet. I jabbed my finger to the text and began to read.
“The Third Amendment of the Bill of Rights, which is part of the original legal framework of the United States of America, states and I quote, ‘No soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war but in a manner to be prescribed by law,’ I proclaimed, placing my thumb on the page to keep it open as I led my eyes back to her. She was still visibly confused.
“I-I’m sorry, I… I don’t understand,” She sounded lost in the cryptic terminology used by my forefathers. I sighed and closed the book, keeping my thumb on the page to keep it ready just in case she had more questions.
“It means. I’m not allowed to live in a house, whose owners don’t want me there during a time of peace. The Kirin of your village are afraid of me, sending me to go live in their homes would be violating my nation’s constitution, I am... a kind of soldier after all,” I tried to explain. She still seemed a bit confused. She understood what I was saying, and I felt as though she had come to terms with what I was, but she just didn’t understand what I meant, and probably why this rule was so strangely worded on paper.
“But this isn’t, A… Amurrica? Er… America. This is Equestria, surely you don’t need to follow those rules everywhere you go, right? I mean it just doesn't sound... Fair. Heh, I mean... I may not really know that much about soldier life, but surely you'd want a nice bed to sleep in? Right?” I shook my head at her misinterpretation.
“Yes I do. But not if it means taking it away from someone else. I took a pledge to follow my nation’s constitution at all times and abide by the rules it lays out everywhere I go. Sure these texts were written over two hundred years ago, and sure the wording is a bit old and strange sounding and sure, people may take advantage of the phraseology to get more than they deserve. But not me, and neither should any other marine for that matter. I interpret it the way my forefathers intended, the right way, the truly american way.” I looked off towards the valley below as I thought about yesterday.
“Me being around you Kirin and away from home is no different. Just because I’m not surrounded by my peers anymore doesn’t mean I should just throw away all that I’ve fought to uphold. I believe in my principles. I shouldn’t be given any privileges that I haven’t earned yet. Nor would I accept them even if I were given them at all,” I said with finality looking back towards Autumn. Her eyes were looking down to the booklet, instead of me. Something about it must have interested her, maybe it was the way I had explained it or, perhaps she was just yearning to learn more. When she felt my eyes looking at her, she jolted back up to meet my gaze, before sighing and looking to the village.
“Gosh that is one noble way of looking at life. Then again I’m not in any position to say what you’re doing or saying is right or wrong because trust me, I am no expert on the matter haha.” She says jokingly before her demeanor turned to that of concern. “But, from a certain standpoint somepony might take what you’re doing to be a bit rude… I don’t of course, now that you’ve explained to me why you do what you do but, they might,” she pointed out, raising an eyebrow towards me, as if expecting me to have a response. I didn’t keep her waiting long.
“If they think that way then they’re thinking too hard,” I replied bluntly with a bit of harshness in my voice. This remark caught her off guard. I caught myself just now being a bit protective of my ideals, and rightly so, but I tried to cover this up as best I could, “Plus... the kirin down there are afraid of me, I’m sure my current living conditions suit their tastes quite nicely.” She banks her head from side to side as she weighed in what I said.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. I mean like, I don’t think you’re scary... but you already know that,” Autumn says with a gentle wave of her hoof, "I just wish my friends were as openly welcoming of outsiders like I am and... didn't uh... oh what's that saying judge a... oh right! Judge a book by it's cover." She said with a bright wide smile. I gently chuckle and nod in agreement before I sigh.
There was a moment of silence as we drank in the beauty of the valley together while listening to the sounds of nature, but it didn’t last forever. Autumn let out a grunt and stood up.
“Well! The morning is burning away. Want to keep climbing Corporal?” She asked, trotting up toward the nearest trail that was available to her. I jumped up from my seat on the rock and smiled at her optimism to keep moving forward.
“Of course! We’re Oscar-Mike,” I said in my colloquial military tongue. Her eyebrow quickly arched up and she looked back to me real quick with that confused look on her face again.
“We’re who?” She asked as she began to climb ahead of me. I realized my mistake and back tracked again.
“No, no. It’s military speak. Oscar-Mike means, on the move. It’s uh… the military phonetic alphabet. It shortens certain phrases to make them easier to say so you can move quicker and think faster. Of course, to you I’m speaking gibberish. Right?” I answered as I mantled the cliff-face after her. She snickered and nodded in muted agreement.
“Heh, yeaaah, sorry,” She admitted with a slightly embarrassed tone. I quickly rectified this.
“Hey, no need to say sorry. If you don’t know, you don’t know. Maybe if we hang out a bunch, and talk more often, you’ll pick up on some of it,” I encouraged, almost like an invitation for her. She quickly responds excitedly.
“Of course! I’d like that alot! I mean you’re still like the first human I’ve ever met! I have so many questions I have yet to ask you and like, there’s just so much you could teach me about what it’s like to be a human! But before we do any of that, I have a strange request from you if you wouldn’t mind,” She asks cautiously as she continues to climb.
“And what’s that?” I asked, following in her wake as to not upset the rocks.
“Could you read me the rest of what’s in that book? This constitution and, whatever the other thing was sounds super interesting and like, if I understand it, then maybe I can understand you and learn about humans easier!” she politely asked, turning back to look at me for a moment with an almost begging like grin across her face. I nodded my head and smiled brightly at her curiosity.
“Hah! Yeah sure I can read it to you! You can read it yourself as well if you’d like.” A few rocks cracked and tumbled as I climbed up towards her, “Let’s just get to the peak and we can start making a dent in it,” I replied, surprising myself with the cheery tone I had adopted. For some reason, this made me ecstatic. She wanted to learn how America worked? Shit, this Kirin may be more than what she was letting on after all. I grunted as we continued up the mountain wall.
“Why do you want to learn about my nation's constitution all of a sudden?” I asked. I think I just wanted to hear what she had in mind. She furrowed her brow a moment as she considered her reply.
“I dunno. It just sounds interesting, that’s all,” She eventually said. I shrugged as I pulled myself up to another rock.
“It just sounds interesting? That’s it?” I asked, reiterating what she said as I watched her tail as it swung back and forth in front of me. There was a pause before she answered.
“Well you said that the rule that prevents you from sleeping in other ponies beds was like what, the forth one or something in the book of bills?”
“It’s the third one and it’s called the Bill of Rights, yes?” I said correcting her
“Yeah that! Well I want to know what the other rules are, like how many rules are there in this bill?” She asks after she jumps up onto a rock ledge that could fit her four hooves.
“There’s ten,” I stated as I followed.
“Ten?! Jeez… That’s a lot of rules!” She said, looking down to me, shocked. I shrugged in response.
“Eh. Could be worse. I’m sure there are constitutions from my home world that have more,” She considered it before giving a nod.
“I guess you’re right, how many other countries are there in your world?” I exhaled hard as I thought about her words.
“Okay now that is a hard question to answer, not only is that a controversial topic, I don’t actually know.” She squinted before climbing up higher now that I and her were together again.
“What so like… Are there a lot of them?”
“Yes! Like… hundreds! All of them being in different sizes and shapes, with different amounts of people and differing cultures, all with separate languages that I can’t even begin to touch on.” Autumn looked to me again, her head popping out from behind a stone ledge.
“Yeesh… Your world sounds… Complex. I mean like I already figured from the stuff you’re wearing and the stuff you brought with you but like… Man, that place sounds huge! Like bigger than anything I’ve seen here.” She… complimented, at least I thought it was a compliment.
“Yeah… It sure is something…” I said as I grabbed a rock near where she popped out at.
The rest of the journey upward was quiet. I guess she just wanted to focus on climbing and me not falling. Maybe she just wanted to save the real spiel for when we got to solid ground. It didn’t matter much regardless. I was just glad she was willing to go to great lengths to keep up with me. That dedication of hers was something that I found very impressive. Plus something told me I was only scratching the surface of it. If I was, I was excited to see more of it.
The kirin and I, after much climbing and only minor stumbling, managed to reach the peak of the mountain. I brushed off my clothes as my boots now walked on level ground. As my hands patted down my arms and legs, I looked across the land that I found myself trapped in. I saw the distant peaks of mountains that were now at eye level, that only minutes before towered above me from the valley. I watched as wispy clouds tumbled around their snow top peaks. I saw how the trees and other alien foliage danced in the wind that barreled down from the mountain tops. It reminded me of home, well not home home… But it reminded me of Earth, and it also reminded me how far away from Earth I really was. Yet I was still here, trapped in an alien world far away from home. But most importantly I was still breathing and alive. I thought about that for a moment, why was I still alive, and stranded here? But as I thought about that, a part of me that didn’t want to know the why and how, overpowered my yearning for an answer. So I just went back to admiring the landscape.
It was humbling.
Beyond the mountains to the east was a vast openness, empty of any and all civilization. At the farthest reach of my view I could only see more land that stretched on for miles upon miles. Not a coastline in sight. However the only biome I could see from where I was standing was the savannah I woke up in. It was mostly filled with flat land, lacking the splendor and color of the valley I was now living in. But what the savanna lacked in hills or greenery, it made up for with breezy, amber-colored grass that gently waved in the wind, and acacia trees that danced along with them. The plains were plagued by clouds of sand and dirt that swirled about as herds of wild animals grazed and roamed freely, something I didn’t see when I was down there yesterday. Then again, I probably wasn’t looking for animals while I was there, I was mostly trying to gain a sense of direction and purpose.
As I looked upon the savannah, I saw trees that stood alone with only the birds perched in their branches for company, and others that were clumped together providing shade for animals that I couldn’t identify. It was truly breathtaking, and it almost… almost reminded me of home in Nevada. Those thoughts of home quickly forced images of Black Mesa into my mind, and I shuddered, gripping my rifle a bit harder as that thing I saw in my dreams flashed it’s face behind my closed eyelids. Upon shaking the images from my mind, I focused on the better and brighter things. Like the company I had with me.
“Your land… is truly beautiful.” I murmured as I gazed out into the vast openness of this new continent. As I gazed upon the endless expanse, her voice behind me piped up with a chuckle.
“Hehe, you’ve said that already Adrian, but again thanks.” I could hear the bashfulness in her voice. I turned around.
“No, I mean this whole continent, from the mountains, your forests, to the plains. It’s gorgeous… practically all of it is untouched. No sign of the taint of civilization whatsoever.” I say as I take one good last look at the land behind me, before I make my way over towards Autumn, who had taken a seat in front of a medium sized boulder. I sat atop the rock she sat in front of, my eyes falling onto the kirin. She smiles proudly at what I said and looks over at the savanna.
“I’m glad you picked up on that, yep! Our race has, for the most part, become one with our environment. We respect it, and it respects us. We find this style of life is befitting of a group of our size,” she explained with a wide smile, her face glowing with pride as she turned and gestured to the town below, “our way of living is based around the planet. What we take from it, will return to it. Taking too much, and changing it in ways that might affect its ability to return to the planet is… considered wrong, so we try not to do that,” Her smile faded into bemusement as she glanced to the ground and tapped her hoof. “At least… I think that’s how Rain Shine put it, she only really explained it to me in great detail a couple weeks ago, and I uh… am still trying to understand it in my own way. I mean everypony is taught how we should live when we’re young, and in turn, we do the same to the offspring we may have” I didn’t entirely understand what she ment, so I decided to probe her for some more information regarding this conversation.
“Pardon me for prying for info here but, in your own way? What do you mean?” I asked, tilting my head to show my interest to her.
“Well. This doctrine was made a long, long, LONG time ago and it was created by Rain Shine when she became the leader of our group here in Perilous Peaks,” She said as she rolled her hoof around. I nodded.
“And… How was she elected to be your leader? How long is…a long time ago? Did everyone agree with her policies at the time?” I ask, rubbing the rubber of my mask, my curiosity peaked. Autumn's eyes narrowed as she scratched her head with her hoof.
“I can’t remember how she was elected to be our leader, as far as I know Rain Shine is our leader because she just… is. Nobody has ever questioned it. And like, I have no clue if everypony at the time agreed with what she said. But, obviously they did if the rules still exist today!” She said with a smile as she came up with her answer. I couldn’t tell if she was omitting certain points from her explanation or if she genuinely didn’t know much. Regardless I nodded and hummed taking in everything she said as I was content with her exposition. For now.
“Huh. I see, well that’s okay I suppose, I mean you kirin didn’t hurt me when you found me so I guess her policies taught you how to be hospitable to outsiders. Which is good, as the other outcomes that could have happened between our two species would have been rather grim, for both of us.” I state as I run over said scenarios in my head, all of which resulting in a negative outcome. I truly lucked out. Autumn nods her head and grins.
“Well yeah, heh, times have changed a lot in our little village, especially recently. It’s been like,” She taps her chin with her hoof, “four hundred, or maybe five hundred years since she became our leader? No no… it’s five hundred I’m sure of it. And in all that time, our village hasn’t changed much. But as of last year, we’ve matured rather quickly,” She explains rather vaguely.
I ran what she said by myself again, baffled at the actual or implied age of Rain Shine. She was five-hundred years old? For a horse, she looked pretty good for her age.
“Wait… Rain Shine is five-hundred years old? How is that possible? How old do you kirin usually live?” I said, my eyes opening wide in surprise. Her hoof returns to her chin.
“...I don’t know,” She said bluntly “I mean a normal kirin life is about 80 years or more depending on how fit the kirin is. But Rain Shine? I just don’t know…” I rolled my eyes at her selective ignorance surrounding her leader.
“Is there anyone that might know?” I asked bluntly in return. She looked at me a bit nervously.
“I uh… Well, besides Rain Shine herself, I’m not sure anypony else can help. I’m sorry, I never really thought about this stuff until now.” She muttered, rubbing her neck. I leaned in as I opened my mouth to ask her something else, but stopped myself as it was a bit rude, I quickly said something else instead, leaning back out. I didn’t want to sully our early friendship so soon.
“How-... How has your uh… society here changed, or matured, like you said earlier?” Autumn stopped rubbing her neck and returned her gaze to the village below. She looked hesitant to tell me something.
“That’s also kind of a hard subject for me to talk about right now, let’s just say something happened, and we needed help from some outsiders in order to, you know like… Fix it. I mean we didn’t ask for the help, but they found us, and they helped us anyway,” Her mood slightly improved as she looked back at me, “Since then we’ve opened ourselves up to the outside. Nobody has visited us since then, but we are ready if any of them come back or somepony new shows up. Because of that, we were able to handle your arrival with as much… di- diplomacy, as we could.” Autumn gave me an uneasy and nervous smile, knowing that I wanted to know more about that incident. But instead of pressing further and crossing some roads she wasn’t ready for, I indulged her.
“Well I think you did an excellent job given the circumstances I put you all in. Showing up unannounced, looking the way I did. As I said and I’m sure you’ll agree, it could have gone much worse. I think you did pretty good,” Her head instantly picked itself up. Her eyes widened as her face changed to that of suspenseful surprise.
“W-What? I-I mean really? You think I did good yesterday!?” Her eyes glinted at me. I nodded.
“Yeah! I mean, you should probably work on your presentation a bit more but, yeah I think you did well.” The moment I said this, her tail wagged from side to side as she let out a squee. She clapped her front hooves together briefly as she smiled from ear to ear.
“Oh yes yes yes yes! You have no idea how much I needed to hear that! I thought I was a shaking stumbling wreck yesterday! I didn’t want to ask Rain Shine or, anypony else about it cause I was afraid, but… but I did good! Oh thank you!” Her body gently bounced in place as she giggled with glee, her eyes closed in excitement. After the moment passed, her whole face broke out into relief as she deflated slightly back into her seat. She cleared her throat and brushed the mane from her face.
“Eh-heh. Thanks again.” I smiled and gave her a bashful wave of the hand.
“Ah it’s nothing,” I would clear my throat, as if to force a new subject, “So… I know we came up here to listen to me talk about my nation, where I come from, and my human way of life and all that, but what can you tell me about these rules Rain Shine has put in place over your village?” I ask as I prop my rifle up on the rock I was sitting on. Autumn tapped her hoof against her chin.
“I don’t see why not. In fact I think it’ll help us both understand each other better, after all you don’t know anything about kirin, do you?” I shook my head no. Autumn nodded and got herself comfortable in her seat. “I see… Well, there are three basic rules that we as a village live by.”
Autumn then went one to explain the very basic core mechanics that their small civilization lives by. For a people with numbers appearing to be very small, probably no larger than a thousand, the rules they live by were decent and simplistic, befitting of their society.
Their core values were, protecting the cultivation of their wildlife and themselves as living beings. The defence of their village and the life that surrounds it. And finally the pursuit of the individual to obtain freedom and happiness in life. She explained these things to me in a way that seemed as if she were reading a page out of a history book, rather than understanding them in her own way. I nod.
“I see… And, how exactly do you apply these rules to your own life?” I ask, tilting my head back slightly waiting for a response. A response that came only after Autumn thought about my question for a few moments.
“I really don’t think about our rules day by day. I just live my life just like everypony else does. If the majority of kirin don’t do something, then… I don’t do it either. They know the rules just as much as I do and because of this, nobody really breaks the rules, we just follow them as we think it’s what is best for us all. Nobody really questions the rules either as there isn’t really anything to question. The rules aren’t harsh or intrusive in any way that I can see, nor can anyone else see.” I nodded and leaned forward again. I had plenty of things I could have said on that, but, I bit my tongue and kept myself quiet for now.
“I see. Well, I guess your system works then right?” I ask, head tilted slightly. She nods.
“Yep! As far as I know and I know, quite a lot. I like to gossip a bit, an old habit of mine,” She said with a gentle giggle, “Now! Is that all you wanted to ask, cause I can answer more if you have more questions.”
“Nope, that’s all I want to ask for now.” I said, reaching into my pocket to grab my little booklet, as I knew what she was going to ask for next. Her face lit back up as she smiled.
“Then if you would like to can we, er I guess you, read to me what’s inside that book. I feel there is tons I can learn from you about humans.” Saying this she pulled her notepad and feather pen out again, and got ready to write. I retrieved the booklet and opened it back up, to the first couple pages. I smiled at her eagerness to learn, especially since it was something that I was overly passionate about.
“Well then… Let’s begin with the constitution... “ I began, my eyes touching down onto the first few words of the document. I cleared my throat as the sound of wind rushed around me as I started to read. I had Autumn’s full attention now, eyes glued to me.. Jackpot.
“WE THE PEOPLE... of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America…”
And thus I read. I read the whole thing from the first paragraph to the last word. I spoke the ancient words of the US Constitution like they were words from a holy book, and when that was done, I told her to take the words that I had just relayed to her and let them roll around in her mind. I wanted to let the Constitution sink into her brain. I wanted it to get stuck there in her mind so that the only thing she could think about were the words I had spoken. I told her to take the notes she had written, for she was writing the entire time, and really look over them to make sure she got everything down and to make sure it was right.
Afterwards, we talked for a little while longer about the things I had said. I answered the last of her questions, and clarified anything that she wasn’t sure about. When this was all over, she said she needed to go and talk to Rain Shine about how I was, what I had told her, and that I was a good person that truly meant no harm to anyone in the village. So, we parted ways and she headed back down the mountain. I however stayed atop the peak for a while though, just looking out into the vast wilderness. It was peaceful, tranquil, and it kept my mind from wandering back to my nightmares and Black Mesa. I took the scant opportunity and meditated, now with nobody’s company but my own.
The rest of the day was spent scouting around the local wilderness while avoiding the town as much as possible, keeping my presence as low as I could to the rest of the kirin. When I was content with my exploration of the landscape I made my way back down from the mountain peak, and returned to my campsite, and my tent. There I sat on my rock by myself listening to nature, till the sun disappeared and darkness came again. I didn’t want to go to sleep, in fact I was dreading it all afternoon as I sat there seemingly motionless on my rock. But I needed sleep, I couldn’t just go without it. So after my fire died again, I crawled back into my tent, removed my armor, and turned in for the night.
However… That night, I didn’t dream. In fact, the moment I laid my head down, was the moment I woke up. I awoke feeling rested and alert. I… didn’t know what to think of it at the moment, so I just ignored it as best I could. I read a passage from the bible and I went on with my morning.
The second day rolled around, and much like yesterday, Autumn came to me again in the early hours, and she had a whole new slew of questions for me. They were mostly about the US Constitution. And in turn I had more questions to be had about interpreting Rain Shines rules and what they meant for the kirin village as a whole. We walked and talked and we climbed again to the top of the mountain, this time I read the Declaration of Independence. I read the whole thing from start to finish and I even explained who all the people that wrote their names at the bottom of that paper were. I explained who they were, and what they did in the most unbiased and fact-filled way possible. I explained what their significance was in the liberation of our country. I also explained how we honored those people in modern times. Once more, she hung onto every word I spoke, and she wrote down everything that was important to her. She was really invested in her job if she cared this much about understanding human culture and how we govern ourselves. Perhaps she wanted to find a better way for the kirin to govern themselves. Who knows, maybe I'm wrong. But even if I’m wrong, I could definitely see the cogs in her head spinning as she listened to my lectures.
Once we were done we yet again we parted ways, she climbed down the mountain, I meditated and went scouting. When I turned in for the night after staying by the fire and eating a little bit more of my first, first strike ration, I wasn’t as scared as I was the night before, I figured I would fall asleep again like I did the night prior and I would wake up bright and early.
Which is exactly what happened. I woke up the moment I put my head down, as if I was eager to get up and get moving. I felt the same way the night before. It was strange, I also had the strangest yearning to return to the mountain top and get talking, more so than before. There was something about being up there that made me feel… happy. Maybe it was the mediation, maybe it was the sights and sounds, maybe it was, something else… God knows what it actually was.
The third day rolled around. All of the same things happened just like the two previous, and as we sat on top of the mountain and looked across the vast plains of the continent, and down to the peaceful village below together, I read her the Bill of Rights to finish it off. This time however, instead of sitting across from me, she sat next to me on the rock I sat on. And despite there being plenty of room on the boulder for her to have her own space, she decided to sit right next to me and proceeded to look at the pages of the booklet herself as she jotted down words on her notepad. She said she wanted to see the words I was reading, she wanted to see what Earth English was like. She said that maybe one day she would be interested in learning how to write in English. I agreed to try and help her as I best I could when the time came, also stating the fact that I wasn’t a teacher. She said it was fine with a laugh that I shared with her.
I explained every amendment that was there in, yet again in the most unbiased way possible, explaining to her in detail how each amendment was specifically crafted to withstand the test of time. I explained that each one could have been left up for debate for future generations to squabble over in many different ways by our forefathers' ignorance. But I knew better, our nation's founders weren’t idiots. I said that woven in between the interpretation that people claim is there, is the unbiased rules themselves, the kinds of rules that don’t lean and bend with time. Ones that will last forever. And yet again, despite her ability to keep her head aloft while reading the words on the pages I held, she found it necessary to rest her chin on my shoulder as her eyes darted from side to side over each sentence on each page.
To be fairly honest, it was kinda cute. The way she hung on every word, the way she laughed at all my jokes, the way she always had a decent question to ask. Of course I would never admit this to her at any point. In fact all of the kirin here were adorable, they all looked huggable. But Autumn was more than physically adorable. Her curiosity was funny to me. For some reason, having someone like her listen to me jabber on felt good. I guess that was why I liked coming up here...
Today, the weather was pleasant. The sun was warm, but the wind was cool. Reminded me of September weather. I met up with Autumn again at my campsite, and we went back to the mountains to talk again. Since then, we had been walking for quite some time, talking about the various things we had discussed over the last three days. It was like a sort of a peer review. she would ask a question and I would answer, or she would start a sentence and I would complete it for her. To be totally honest, it was therapeutic to have such an inquisitive mind asking me these things. Hell, it was such a good brain exercise, I ended up losing track of exactly how far we had traveled from our usual sitting rock atop the mountain peak. Quickly turning around, I tried to locate the rock we had sat upon for the past few days, only to find them roughly two miles back behind us. Boy that Autumn can get me talking...
We followed the peak of the mountains around the valley of the Kirin Village below, and after I had determined our location, I turned my attention to the Village. I could see the Kirin beneath us, going about their business.
“I wonder if this is what God sees when he looks upon his creations.” The words just came out before I even realized it was my voice saying them.. I stopped walking, and looked out over the valley. I pondered that sentence for a moment.
“Would God be happy? Would they be sad? Do Earth's Gods exist here? What God do the Kirin believe in? Do they have a God? My subconscious inwardly spoke to me as I looked over the valley. Then I felt a jolt as a hoof thumped my arm.
“Hey Adrian, you okay? You just kinda… stopped dead. Do you see something? What’s wrong?” It was Autumn. She followed my line of sight, and peered out into the valley. I shook my head as my mind had become muddled with hypothetical god stuff and such. I quickly looked down at her.
“Yes… yes, I’m fine. Sorry, I just had to stop for a moment. If you were saying something after I stopped I didn’t hear you, sorry.” I apologized for my absent mindedness, swiping a hand tiredly over my eyes.
“Well, I was asking if you could explain this... one thing to me Adrian.” She asked, “You said that America is a nation founded on traditionalist values. Right?”
“Yeah uhh, others might not agree with me, but their arguments are unfounded in my opinion,” I responded back to the Kirin. We started to pick up our walk again as if I hadn’t gotten distracted in the first place. I adjusted my rifle sling over my back.
“Alright, if that’s the case, how exactly do you maintain those values?” She elaborated following behind in my shadow. I cleared my throat as I stepped over a small crack in the mountain floor.
“Well Autumn, that’s easy. Tradition is constantly at odds with the ticking of the clock. The more time passes, and the more advanced or civilized your nation becomes, the more progress and modern values begin to push back against tradition, as younger generations view them as… as inferior or outdated,” I stated, trying to sound as well spoken as I could.
“Okay well, how can tradition survive if younger generations view them as old and er, antiquated… I mean you said it yourself. Uuuh, each new generation is… responsible for…” She paused as she tried to remember what I had said roughly a mile back. I spoke, filling that void.
“Each new generation is responsible for creating the framework and foundation for the next generation that will allow their sons and daughters to have a future that they themselves can only dream of,” I explained again, turning back to face her. She quickly nodded her head as she collected her thoughts.
“Right, right, that. Uh, how can tradition survive if each newer generation maybe feels that they are inferior to progress?” Now that was a pretty good question. A question I had to stop for. I Took a seat on the nearest rock and rubbed the side of my mask. She focused her attention, quite confused as to why I stopped again.
“You sure you’re okay, Adrian?” She asked as she took a step towards me with a concerned look in her eyes. I dismissively waved a hand while I got myself comfortable.
“Yes yes I’m fine… just wanted to focus on your question,” She nodded her head and smiled understandingly. “And bear with me if you can, it’s about to get a bit preachy in here,” I joked, though she seemed to take it seriously, her pen now pressed a bit harder on the paper in eagerness as her eyes widened up a bit more.
As the two of us were talking and walking, Autumn had been writing things down in that notepad of hers, that pen flicking across the paper in rapid strokes. Everything that came from my mouth she had written down in a language I couldn’t understand... In all honesty, she could have been jotting anything down and I would have no idea. I knew that wasn’t the case though. If she didn’t care about what I was talking about, why would she keep asking questions?
I reached down into one of the magazine pouches on my LBE, and withdrew two thirty round STANAG magazines. They were filled with 5.56x45 NATO cartridges, specifically, one was filled with armor piercing ammunition, the other was filled with standard ball rounds. I held them out to her, one in each hand.
“Imagine these two magazines are the past, and present. This one is the past,” I jiggled the ball ammo mag, “And this one is the future,” I jiggled the armor piercing one. She looks at both of them. “I want you to tell me what’s different about these two magazines, without touching them.” I said, still holding both up for her. The Kirin squinted her eyes, confusion eating away at her calm expression. Her eyes darted from left to right, as bewilderment set in.
“They look… Uh… Exactly the same. What does this have to do with what I asked about?” I smiled behind my mask and set about easing her confusion.
“You’ll see, hold on, hold on… Okay, now tell me what's different,” I said, flipping the magazines so that she could see the ammunition inside of them. The Armor Piercing rounds had green tips, whilst the ball rounds did not. She immediately pointed to the green tips with her hoof.
“Those ones are green,” she noted, still rather confused as she tried to determine where I was going with my metaphor. I nodded in agreement, and flipped both magazines back so she couldn't see the ammunition again.
“Okay, but from the outside, these two magazines look the same. You can’t tell that one is different unless you look a bit harder. This is how tradition survives. Imagine these two magazines are holidays, birthdays, monuments, or days of great celebration and importance. It’s just that one is in the past, and one is for the present,” I dropped the green tip mag on the ground, and ejected a single round from the ball ammo mag, and held it up to her in the other hand, as if I studying it. She looked as if she was studying it too.
“One tradition was made to set a standard on how future generations should celebrate or use it in their daily lives. It was made by ancient people, long long ago, who only thought in very simple ways, or in the ways that made sense to them. Whether it’s a complex understanding of the past or a very basic understanding, they made it with the present day in mind,” I looked down and thought of an example. “Like… Christmas!” I explained, smiling beneath my mask in an optimistic tone.
“What’s Christmas?” The Kirin asked, head gently cocking to one side. My brow furrowed for a moment and began to explain.
“Christmas is a religious celebration from back on Earth. It is the Christian celebration of the day their lord and savior, Jesus Christ was born to the Virgin Mary in the holy city of Bethlehem. It is a great day of celebration for the whole world as Christianity is the world's largest religion. And on the 25th of December every year families get together, and celebrate the day by exchanging gifts to one another in a practice of mutual friendship and in the act of giving and not receiving. Families also visit churches and practice in the more holy ways by gathering for a Christmas service. Then as tradition, they all gather together and have a family dinner and reconnect with each other as some family members may not have seen each other in a long time,” I then place the cartridge back into the magazine, as Autumn scribbles frantically away on her pad. I then pick up both magazines again and show them to her.
“Now, that’s the traditional way Christmas is celebrated, or at least to me anyway. Of course as time goes on… People change. That’s where today comes in.” I repeat the process, drop one mag, eject the cartridge, and show it to her. This time it was the green tip.
“As times change, so must the holiday, for better or for worse. The holiday has things added onto it to make it more consumer friendly for the future. People let their personal lives and or industry take hold of certain aspects of their holidays. For as Christmas was once a time of giving and good nature amongst men and women, spending time with family and giving thanks to god, it has now been used by money making corporations to boost their profits on the average consumer by fabricating icons to be put in front of the ones that were originally there before. Like Santa Claus,”
“Okay wait wait… wait, who is Santa Claus?” I sigh and explain.
Soon time seems to fly by. I explained to her how toy manufactures and other large companies use the holiday to make a massive amount of money off people buying gifts. I also say that by commercializing and normalizing this new perverted way to experience Christmas the old holiday is lost in the modern times. But I then also explain that people don’t need to give into the mass hysteria, and they aren’t forcing you to buy all these things. I simply say corporations are just leaching off something that’s yearly popular to make similar minded people think they need all this flashy stuff when in reality, all they need is their families and communities to love and care for one another. They need to give, and not expect anything in return, they need to learn to remember to be selfless. And to top it all off, I say that a large number of people still celebrate Christmas in the old traditional way, because that is how their grandparents would expect them to do it.
That some don’t do it for themselves, they do it for others, specifically their elders.
“So… In conclusion, though both the past and present holidays look different inside, they still follow the same formula and will always look the same from the outside…” I sigh and start to put the magazines away. “...did any of that make sense?” I ask. And as I look up from the magazine pouch, I see Autumn's face behind her notepad, her pen was flying at the speed of sound as it wrote. If it went any faster it would catch fire, I was sure of it. Then quickly it stops, and she tilts her head around her pad.
“Yes… Yes it does. And though you went really really reaaaally far out of your way to make a point, it did help me understand a bit better, so, thank you Adrian,” She said with a smile, it was a soft smile. A smile that actually hit me in a way I hadn’t really felt before. It was as if her happiness from understanding made me feel elevated, knowing that I helped her understand. And the way she looked at me just made me feel, well for lack of another better term, good inside. So good in fact, I accidentally dropped one of the mags from my hand before it was seated into the pouch.
I panicked and tried to grab it as it fell only to hit it with my hand. Doing this, prompted me to leap from my seat and chase after it as it tumbled in my hands away towards the cliff face. A sudden panic filled my mind as I desperately tried to grab that slippery steel case. And as I got pretty close to the edge I snatched the magazine from the air and I nearly fell onto my face if I hadn’t braced my fall with my right arm grabbing the ground.
“Adrian! Are you okay?!” I heard Autumn say as I took a few deep breaths as I calmed myself down. I nod my head as I look back with a forced grin onto my face, trying to hide my embarrassment. Course she didn’t see it...
“Uh yeah! Yeah I’m good… Not sure what that was about…” She now too sighed in relief as I pushed myself back up to my feet.
“Jezz Adrian I thought you were going over the edge th-” Autumn and I were cut short by something as I got back to my feet. We both heard a noise that was needless to say, very out of place and quite literally alien to her. It was the sound of music. Music that I had heard before, music that was nostalgic to me, like a song I had not heard in a very long time. As a matter of fact it WAS a song I hadn’t heard in a very long time. It was the first rhythmic piano keys and hi-hat cymbal of David Foster’s St Elmos Fire. I immediately spun around to where I heard the music coming from, and sure enough, there in a crack in between two rocks was a silver boombox with a black handle. I must have landed on it when I fell down and pressed the play button.
“What the fffff-...” I reached down and grabbed the box from the small break in the ground, and yanked it free from the rocks. I held it up with both hands, and looked down upon it with the most bewildered set of eyes I had ever pressed up against my gas masks lenses. I saw Autumn out of the corner of my eye as she got a closer look at it.
“W-what is this thing?” She asked as she looked over the face of the device, watching the music bars as they jump up and down on the LED screen. “And what… What's this music?” I shook my head as I almost didn’t know how to respond, the music was now flowing into the deepest parts of my mind, as if it was hypnotizing me.
“This is what we would call a boombox back on Earth. It’s a radio that plays music by inserting a music disk into it’s uh… disk thing and the disk… thing, reads the music disk and plays what’s on it through these speakers. I don’t really know how it works to be honest. I know it’s not magic so don’t think that it is. But… this song? This… song IS MAGIC!” I exclaimed excitedly.
The music flowed from the box as it continued to play, I could feel the vibrations of the rhythm in my hands. I could feel the beat coursing through my veins as I truly wanted to re-experience this music. After all, I haven’t heard this song in a very long time, but for me to hear it again, in this way, in this place was truly a new experience. I was frozen for a while, but I didn’t stay stationary for long. Because as the first chorus was quickly coming up, I immediately put the box down, and located the sound function. I turned it all the way up to 100 percent, while I practically ripped my gas mask, helmet, and night vision goggles off my head in half a second to sing along to the words that I remembered. This was the first time I had taken my mask off outside my camp…
“I can see a new horizon! Underneath the blazing sky! I’ll be where the eagles flying higher and Hiiigher! Gonna be your man in motion! All I need is a pair of wheels! Take me where my futures lying, Saint Elmos FIRE!” I sang it loud and hard, it may not have all been in tune, but I was having a fun time doing it.
And as I looked down to the Kirin, what was once curiosity, and maybe a bit of fear. Was now replaced with a very surprised smile on her face. I quickly stuck out a hand and waved it towards myself.
“C’mon! Let’s dance before the batteries run out!” I exclaimed in a very excited, almost laughing tone. She looked at the device, then back to me. Her magic tossed her pad to the side and she took a leap forward in front of me, as she tried to dance and move her body to the beat.
“Why not! It’s not like anypony can see us!” She exclaimed with glee.
And as we danced, I completely forgot that I didn’t like to sing in front of people… and I was okay with it.
It's been ages since I've heard these songs. And god did I need to hear them again, especially here. In a place devoid of modern luxuries, having a radio with classical hits from the 80’s burned onto a disk playlist was overly comforting. And what helped the situation, is that this radio must have had a new pair of batteries installed because it just kept playing. It had gone through about 20 different songs and yet, it just kept going. When we descended from the mountain peak that evening, the radio played The Outfield’s one hit wonder, Your Love as we trekked down the path. Man I loved that song. It’s a great fucking song.
It brought me back, way back. I remember listening to this song in my moms car as she drove me home from baseball practice. I could feel the soft cushioned seats of the passanger side car seat, I could hear the sound of lamp posts and fences passing the car buy from the outside of its windows. Hell if I closed my eyes hard enough I could almost imagine the smell of freshly cut grass on my baseball uniform as I tapped my hands to the rhythm of the song on my batting helmet. Those were good times, I was innocent back then, I don’t even think I had properly gone through puberty yet, boy was I in for a rude awakening. Good times… I think.
But now, here I walk alone, well, sort of. I didn't know how many miles I was from home, and the goal of returning there grew further and further away with every passing second.
As the evening grew dim, I sat on my rock outside my scout tent while the fire crackled in front of me at my campsite. The song Walk of Life by Dire Straits sang itself away through the speakers, truly it was my only anchor keeping me grounded at this point, that and Autumn. This was the one comfort I needed, a nice little reminder of home, keeping that hope alive. I tapped my boot away, breathing in the night air as the fire kept me warm. I only now realized how long it had been since I had a shower, or eaten a good burger, or slept in my own bed. I listened to the music trying to remember happier times before Black Mesa, but it just made me more upset. Then again life is what you make it, and if I couldn’t go home, I could easily make a home for me here. After all, the neighbors weren't half bad, I would come to find this out as myself and Autumn descended the mountain earlier this evening after me and her talked the day away. We had talked about American culture and even touched on some technology.
We had just reached the bottom of the ascent to the mountain and we were approached by some Kirin who saw us up on the mountain top, dancing to the music. The group that had approached, appointed one of their own to talk to us as, they were still quite afraid of me. Autumn was embarrassed on their behalf. The Kirin we’re mostly just confused as to what we were doing, and after some failed excuses from Autumn, I just spilled the beans and told them we were dancing as if it was no big deal. Instead of laughing at us or looking in disgust at the quote unquote, “human whisperer", they seemed intrigued by what kind of music we had been listening to. So I turned on the radio and they seemed to like it. This was obviously a great relief to Autumn, as she looked as red as the sun was yellow, beaming from cheek to cheek before I defused the situation, earning me a sigh of relief from her. I thought it was funny, so I decided to raise the stakes.
I invited them over to my little campsite to listen to it some more, and after some contemplation they agreed to follow me back. And so, her I sat at my camp, with 5 Kirin surrounding me, their eyes shimmering to the flames of the fire, their ear twitching and turning to the sound of the music. After a couple hours, they opened up a bit more to me as we began to talk a bit. And in that time, I learn their names.
Their names were Fern Flare, Petris Inferno, Sretica Flames, and Salvinia Glare. In all honesty I don’t know that much about them as we just met, except for a few things. One, it’s obvious they like Earth music, two they’re friends of Autumn as she was the one who introduced them to me when our conversations first broke out, and three she’s been telling them about me after every time we had talked up on the mountain.
I wasn’t too surprised that she was telling others, besides Rain Shien, about me in fact I was sure she was gushing to anyone that would listen. But what I was surprised about was the amount of information she was sharing. Apparently, she wasn't the only one that was overly inquisitive in Perilous Peaks. My arrival here had a much bigger impact than what I was expecting. It turns out that my sheer existence here in the Kirin land has inspired Autumn's close friends, them being the ones that have the most contact with her, to open themselves up to possibly learning about things outside of their narrow-minded and secluded Village. Their curiosity had gotten the better of them and now here they sit around my campfire. They were once too scared to even look at me, and now they lay about the warm embrace of my fire while listening to Human music. And it was all thanks to Autumn and her mile-a-minute mouth.
I've seen it firsthand, once you get Autumn talking you can't get her to stop. She blurts out whole paragraphs in the time it takes you to Blink or clear your throat. Oftentimes I have to put the brakes on her before she talks my ears off. While some people may find that annoying, I find it endearing
But for now, her lips remained shut, and that pad of paper she scribbled on had been retired to her saddle bag. Because here she laid next to me, her head slowly rocking side to side with the beat of the music that continued to flow out of the radios speakers. Usually at this hour she would be at home, but having her here was a welcome change of pace. Her eyes were closed at the moment and she'd hum away when the chorus of the song that was playkng came around again. Her behavior is shared with that of the other kirin who sit around the fire, listening attentively to the tunes.
“Hey uh, Mr. Adrian sir?” One of the Kirin caught my ear as they speak up. It’s Fern Flare and she’ looked at me through the light of the fire, after she had moved a bit closer so she could talk without really raising her voice. I looked over at her and smiled.
“It’s okay, you don’t need to call me mister. Adrian is just fine,” I respond with a gentle wave of dismissal with my hand. She nodded with a quick clearing of her throat.
“Right, sorry Adrian. Uh, what I was going to ask was, where did you get that music box? Did you always have it or did you uh, find it? I don’t think I’ve seen it here before, and Autumn never mentioned you having it. If you don’t want to answer that’s cool, I was just curious that’s all,” She rubs her arm with her hoof as her eyes get a bit shifty as she looks off over her shoulder. A gentle chuckle would leave my lips as I move a little bit closer to her.
“Hey look,” I cleared my throat, “I don’t know what you think I’m going to do or what you think I am. But I’m not gonna rip your head off if you ask me a question. So come on,” I lean over and pat her shoulder, which would exert a light jump from her, “Just relax, you haven’t done anything to piss me off so don’t act like you did,” The mare would look over at my hand then up to my face, which was still masked for the time being. I could see her gulp down her nervousness as she stood her ground properly again.
“R-Right, I’m sorry Adrian you’re the first human I’ve ever met, actually I think you’re the only human anyone here has ever met. We've seen humans like you before in folklore and books but, never in the flesh. And, please don’t take offense to this but, you look nothing like the illustrations in the books. The humans we know are only... I’d say five, maybe five and a half feet tall at most, which, you are not. Most just wore animal hide clothing, held spears for hunting, and they constantly fought each other for land and food,” I listened carefully as Autumn never mentioned any of this. And if she had, she hadn’t explained it in great detail like this before. Kirin have human beings in legend? How strange...
“Most if not all of the humans killed each other through war, and because of this they’ve gained the reputation for being violent to outsiders and the concours of tribes. But you however, are nothing like those humans,” She said before another Kirin spoke up. It was Sretica who had moved in a bit closer after listening in to our conversation.
“She’s right, I was with her while she looked up those books in our village's library. We wanted to know more about humans so we figured we would start there first before bugging Autumn. And yeah you’re way taller in height, and bigger in overall size. You wear way more than just an animal hide, and you wield weapons that,” She pauses to look down at the Colt Carbine resting next to me, before looking back up “...I can barely begin to understand. But most importantly you’re friendly,” Sretica finishes as Fern speaks up again.
“You’re more than just friendly, I think we’ve greatly misjudged who you are. After listening to Autumn we, well I have at least, come to realize that you really aren’t that scary. Especially now,” I smiled at their words, while taking in all of that information they just fed. I'd have to bring this up with Autumn later.
“Really? Just a few seconds ago you we’re about to run up a tree after asking me a question,” I said jokingly. Sretica giggled and Fern scoffed.
“I… I wasn’t that afraid…” She stuttered, “You just freak me out a little bit is all,” Sretica leaned in and with a very condescending tone taunted her.
“You’re afraid of the big bad huuuumaaan,” She said before she stuck out her tongue. This teasing would earn her a bump in the arm from Fern.
“Oh shut up! You’re just as scared of him as I am. If not more so, especially since you’re sitting all the way over there!” She fired back. Sretica gasped at this accusation.
“Oh I am not! I just wanted you to be closer to him than he it me is all, I figured you'd like to be near him!” She said as her eyes wandered away back to the fire.
“Uh-huh… right, anyway…” Fern cleared her throat and motioned towards the radio, “So about that music box… thingy,” I looked over to it and nodded.
“Yes, it’s called a radio and no, I didn’t show up here with it. Me and Autumn found it up there in the mountains while we were hiking around the valley. It was stuck between two rocks and after jiggling it free I turned it on and it worked. I have no idea how it got stuck up there but, I have a couple theories on how I think it did. But for that,” I leaned over and turned the radio off, a silence now engulfed the area as all the occupants at the campfire looked up and over at me with confusion, “You’re going to need to indulge me in a bit of a story first,” I said, crossing my fingers over themselves as I rested my arms in my lap.
“Because you see, this isn’t just any normal radio. This radio belongs to someone, it has their name on it. A name that is a bit too familiar to me, a name that haunts me. And while I’ve never met this person before I’ve met his colleagues. I’ve met many of his colleagues you might say,” I leaned over and picked up the radio before flipping it over onto its bottom.
“Well… Who does it belong to? And what do you mean by colleagues?” Petris asked as he moved a bit closer to Autumn while looking at the radio. I stared down at the name on the box, scowling at it’s mere existence, this radio rendered onto me a.world of hate and sadness, as I now had to explain the things I had done on Earth before I ended here. It was going to happen at some point, I just wish it hadn't been right now. Then again I wouldn't have wished it had been any other time too... But it needed to happen, so why not now. I might as well rip this Band-Aid off while I can.
For the name on the bottom of the box was indeed someone I had not met before, but I was familiar with his kind.
“What I mean is, this radio belongs to Dr. Malinski, head of BioMass Weapon Engineering and Research at the Black Mesa Research Facility, located in the state of New Mexico,” And there on the bottom of the device, as I presented the radio to the Kirin, was the dreaded, hateful insignia of the Black Mesa Research Facility.
“This radio, by all known laws of nature should not exist, and I can tell you why…”
I sat upon my stone, and I watched the fire crackle away as I thought of how I wanted to start this conversation. It was quiet amongst the group. Nobody said a word, they all just looked at me, with worried eyes even though I hadn’t told them anything yet. I talked Autumn to hell and back, yet now here I sat, silently contemplating what I was about to say, my words were failing me. A greater part of me wishes I had just kept my mouth shut about that wretched place, that I should have ignored the symbol on the bottom of the radio. But another part of me said that eventually, I was going to have to tell Autumn and maybe even Rain Shine about the things that I’ve done. It was inevitable, whether it be tomorrow or next week, I was going to have to tell them the truth. But for some reason, my mind had made the decision to tell them now, and had stalled enough, it was time to spill the beans. I looked up from the fire at the five Kirin and gently nodded my head in acceptance, it was now or never. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
“Right... here goes nothing,” I said with a now very heavy heart, “Back on Earth and within my country there is a sub territory called the state of New Mexico, for context my country is made up of 50 of these states. And within this state is a place called Black Mesa. It’s a research facility that’s the size of a large town. Yes I'm aware that's a pretty big ballpark estimate, but I think I’m right in assuming that,” I began to say. Petris popped up and spoke quickly.
“Is it bigger than Perilous Peaks?” He asked quickly, I looked at him and nodded.
“Oh it’s way bigger, bigger than you could ever imagine. The absolute scale of that place was astonishing, truly a modern marvel,” The Kirin turned their heads around and looked at their meager village just beyond the trees, they then turned back to me with a look of bewilderment on their faces.
“Anyway, the place was employed by thousands of people, a great number of which we’re scientists, thus why it was a research facility. Of course it wasn’t just scientists, there were security guards, maintenance people, warehouse workers, and god knows how many more people working in the background. All I know for sure is that there were thousands of them. And they all lived where they worked. Security Guards lived in barracks, scientists lived in dormitories, and other people that maintained the facility lived in base housing surrounding the complex,” One of the Kirin spoke up.
“So, they like... lived where they worked... did they have families, could they live with them?” It was Autumn. I sat on that question for a minute. I then turned to her and nodded.
“Yeah… I would assume they had families. They either lived with them on base or they lived far apart from one another. The reason behind this that Black Mesa, was a Top Secret facility thus why people lived on site or around it. I can only assume they rarely left the state. It was so that they could isolate themselves from the outside world,” I stated. Petris chirped up again.
“Why was it Top Secret?” He asked. I knew I couldn’t tell him too much but at the same time, it really didn’t matter anymore, Black Mesa was gone after all, or at least I thought so.
“Black Mesa was funded by the government, for the government and private organizations to design, test, and construct tons of secret black projects that could help forward mankind into a new era of understanding and scientific marvels. Everything they did they did for the greater good and for understanding the greater cosmos at large. They put humanity first always, and if that meant jeopardizing their safety in the process then so be it. They were selfless and brave in their line of work. That’s why it was so secretive, because my government didn’t want it’s top secret scientists and technology falling into the wrong hands,” Petris nodded and pondered for a moment before looking at me again. I continued.
“While Black Mesa was in operation, the men and women in their labs with their theories and science managed to develop their own form of teleportation technology, amongst other things. This, was their magnum opus, the ability to travel from point A, to point B, almost instantaneously was what they we’re good at,” Sretica suddenly spoke up.
“Hey! We Kirin can teleport with magic! We can do it almost effortlessly,” She boldly stated, “Did the humans use magic as well?” She asked, leaning in a bit closer to me. I shook my head.
“No… Humans can’t use magic, we use technology. I’m not sure how it worked, but those scientists sure managed to do it, and they did it well enough that they impressed the government. All of this science was created with the intent to secure funding to help them along their way so they could understand the world they lived on, and the worlds around them,” The Kirin leaned back and hummed, tapping her hoof onto her chin. She then looked back to me with a shrug.
“Anyway. Black Mesa was in the pocket of the US government. They made science, and they got money. It was a simple system, until…” I stopped for a moment, and glanced off into the fire. I stared at it as the flames licked away at the open air. I then spoke again but this time, I felt a bit worse than I did when I started. It was as if someone had grabbed my stomach and twisted it.
“...there was an accident. To be honest I’m not exactly sure what happened, I was never really told and I never get a straight answer out of anybody I asked. The term resonance cascade was thrown around a lot between the members of my platoon but to be honest? It doesn’t really matter what it was called nor did I care. What happened at Black Mesa was… madness, I couldn’t even begin to describe to you how deep into… hell Black Mesa descended into that day. The official story was something had gone wrong in the sector C test laboratories and a rift in time and space had been ripped open after a failed test sample was loaded into an analysis machine. Lot’s of high ranking officials said that sector C was sabotaged by this, one scientist,” I then took a moment to stare off remembering back to my first moments at Black Mesa.
The chaos that ensued as our air assault group got within range of our landing zone. The bodies of the marines that had died in the Osprey crash, the aliens shooting electricity from their hands and clawing into other marines flesh. The sound of screaming and gunfire from all sides as bullets whizzed about with no sense of order. It made me freeze up with fear. I could still remember my first steps on the ground before I got knocked out from a grenade that went off near me. It was hell.
I then felt a hoof on my shoulder.
“Adrian? You alright? You’ve been staring at the fire for quite a bit now, we can stop if you’d like, you don’t need to say anymore if you don’t want to,” It was Autumn. The same mare that rips into me with questions every chance she gets was now looking into me with a pair of humongous sad eyes, that I had no choice but to stare back into. The fire was illuminating her face in just the right way to make her seem like she was more than just a horse or a Kirin, like she was something much greater than that.
I looked down to the hoof, and I raised a hand up to it. I wrapped my fingers around it and I held onto it for a moment, now staring at the hoof. I don’t think I’ve ever really felt anything like this before, physically or emotionally, ever since Black Mesa. It was the way she looked at me and the way she spoke now compared to her normal self. It wasn’t like the way she had acted before. I felt safe with her near me, I felt like I could open up.
“Yeah sorry. I just sort of lost my train of thought,” She took her hoof from my shoulder and I watched it go, as if I didn’t want it to leave. She leaned back and returned to listening to me again.
“Right so where was I… right, so anyway. The military adopted the notion that the facility had been sabotaged by a man by the name of Doctor Gordan Freeman. He was a scientist just like everyone else in the complex, but because he was at ground zero, they figured he was the one that did the dirty deed of destroying the place. Me on the other hand, not so much but I'll get into that later but to make a long story slightly less long," I took a deep breath and reoriented myself in my seat.
"What had happened was the facility had a containment breach, aliens from another world called Zen and some others from, who knows where were teleporting in all over the facility. The people there sent out a distress beacon saying that they… well, they were scared and in dire need of help to set things right, they needed help to shut down the source of all these portals and put an end to the alien invasion,” I then pause again, almost like I was asking for Autumn to come closer again, but instead I thundered on with my explanation.
“So, they called us. The United States government sent the Hazardous Environment Combat Unit, 1st Battalion to the facility to help the scientists with the invasion and assist them in bringing the facility back under control. But nothing… and I mean nothing could have prepared us for a situation of this magnitude. I mean we had trained about a scenario like this before back in Arizona on our military base, Fort Santago. In fact, we had trained for a situation like this, as if it was going to happen eventually, like it wasn’t a matter of if it was going to happen, only when. Which to me, was a bit suspicious but the training didn’t help,” I then stood up from my rock and began to slowly pace back and forth. The Kirin watched me as I strode in front of the fire.
And so I told them everything. I told them about the lies and conspiracies of the Black Mesa Research Facility. I told them about Zen and the Aliens from beyond. I told them about the mistreatment of science personnel by fellow marines while I condemned it. I detailed the bombing of surface and the premature evacuation after only two days of fighting. I told them about the people I met along the way, security guards, scientists, fellow marines and the rest. I told them about the toxic waste and the safety hazards. And most importantly, I told them how much of a shit show the whole thing was.
“So this, all of this. It was like… a war with these aliens huh?” Fern asks as I sit back down onto my rock. I look to her, and look to the others. They all wore the same face. Faces of frightened bewilderment, and shock. I then shook my head.
“I’ve seen war before, and this wasn’t war. I was deployed to Kuwait during the first Gulf War against Saddam's Army. That was a war, it had a clear goal and a clear enemy I had to fight. Black Mesa however, wasn’t a war. It was a massacre,” I then freeze, and stare down at my hands that had gone limp into my lap. I stare at the ground, remembering everything I could.
“H-How was it a massacre? Why was it a massacre?” Sretica asks. I didn’t know how to respond. I left out the detail that I knew would condemn me to hell in the eyes of these Kirin. I left out the one fact that was the hardest to explain. I left out the fact that we weren't sent there to bring the facility under control. We were sent to kill anyone associated with the project, and silence any witnesses. And while I sat here staring at the ground unsure how to answer I heard Autumn speaking. I wasn’t sure what she was saying, but I knew she could see my state of mind, and she knew that answering that question was clearly too hard for me. I guessed she was telling Sretica and the others that maybe they didn’t need to know.
But they did. They did need to know, they needed to know the truth of what happened. They need to see it my way, because I know what happened. I know how all these pieces fitted together. I looked up to see the Kirin getting up, getting ready to leave. I then quickly spoke as I shoot back up into a proper sitting position.
“No. I’ll tell you why it was a massacre because it’s important. It’s important because you all need to know what lengths a government will go to in the name of national security,” Autumn turns hearing my voice again. She went to interject but I put a hand up which silenced her. I then motioned for her to sit, and as she did the others follow her example and return to the ground around the fire.
“It was a massacre because…” I took a deep breath and exhaled while clearing my throat. It felt like I was choking on these words, “Because our orders… weren't to save people. Our orders… were to silence the facility, and neutralize every employee at Black Mesa to keep the resonance cascade accident a secret, as to not let the existence of that base leak to the public. Our orders were to leave no man standing and bring Doctor Gordan Freeman in for questioning as he was suspected to be the person behind all of this. Our secondary objective was to kill the aliens that were teleporting in and re-stabilize the area until further notice,” And just like that, I couldn’t hear the fire anymore. It’s existence was voided to me. I looked up from the flames and around at the Kirin, they now stared at me with faces of pure shock and terror. Their mouths were left agape, and their eyes had shrunken into their skulls out of fear, it was clear to me now that they had never heard nor experienced anything like this before in their lives. A shaky voice spoke up after this silence had grown too strong.
“Adrian… Please tell me you’re joking,” I looked over at where the voice had come from, and it was Autumn. Whom of which was just now becoming afraid of me, knowing what kind of deeds I had done against my own kind. Even when we first met she had not feared me, she was the only one besides Rain Shine who wasn’t afraid of who I was just because I looked different and I was taller. But now she was practically cowering in front of me, just like the rest.
Upon seeing this display of fear coming from her, I couldn’t hold it back anymore. That was, among many other things, the final straw. The Three days I spent dying at Black Mesa, all the regret and the anguish, all the anger and sorrow, all the fear and fury, all of the things I had done, said, felt and experienced... and on top of all that knowing that I couldn’t do a damn thing to save the people I came across in my fight for survival after being betrayed by the government I loved, boiled out from me like a pot of water...
I almost instantly broke down. My eyes filled with tears as they began streaming down my cheeks, as the images of the faces of all those that I had left behind flashed before me. All that was lost came flooding back as I tucked my head into my hands and let my emotions flow. For the first time since Black Mesa, I began to cry. My mask and helmet came off... as the tears flowed.
I slumped over myself and cried away, it didn’t matter who I was anymore, and I didn’t care if anyone was watching, I needed this. I didn’t even care if I was kicked out of the village to wander around this world till I died. Right now, right here, I needed this. And here I would stay as I let out wail after wail of horrid screams, feeling tears pool up in my hands as my fingers clutched to what hair I had left as they pulled away at the strands in anger. I flung my head up, my face red.
“YES..! Yes of COURSE IT’S TRUE! I… I was sent into that FUCKING HELL HOLE, not to save anyone, but to KILL! My FUCKING GOVERNMENT signed the DEATH WARRENTS on all those FUCKING INNOCENT PEOPLE, AND FOR WHAT?! Because they made a MISTAKE?? IT WASN’T RIGHT!! THEY DIDN’T DESERVE ANY OF THAT!! WHY?? IT’S FUCKING BULLSHIT!! WHHYYYyyy...” I managed to scream out before I balled up even more and shoved my head into my PCV while I continued to cry my anguish away. I didn’t care what I looked like anymore.
I suddenly felt a pair of arms surround my body, as the fluff of a Kirins chest pressed itself into the side of my head. I felt a Kirins chin rest upon the top of my scalp as they gently pulled me into a hug. At first I didn’t notice any of this as I was too busy bawling my eyes out to feel anything. But as things got warmer around me, in a new caring sort of way, I let my guard down. I felt the soft almost velvety fur of a kirins coat against my bare arms skin, I could feel the blanket of warmth that the chest fluff was giving off to me, and finally I felt the comforting security of a chin on my head. And finally I heard a voice as I let my tears slowly drip to a halt.
“Shhhhh… It’s gonna be alright Adrian. Just relax okay? You don’t need to answer any more questions, just relax and calm down…” It was Autumn. And as my tears slowed and I regained my cognitive ability to realize what she was doing, I wasted no time burying my face into her shoulder as I wrapped my arms around her body. We just sat there as we held each other in both our arms. At that very moment, for a brief second, I could have sworn I felt a little drip of water on the back of my neck that slowly trail down to my shoulders. I knew that it wasn’t raining, it was a clear night.
I stayed in this embrace for what seemed like an eons worth of time, until I gave Autumn a tap on the shoulder telling her to let me go. She complied with my request and let me be as she leaned away. And the moment she let go, her hoof raised quickly to her eye as she rubbed away at something. I gave her a nod of appreciation and she gives me a gentle smile and a nod back. I turn away from her and back to the ground in front of me, just to regain my thoughts. I then glanced up at Fern, Petris, Sretica, and Salvinia who still looked mortified by this bombshell of information I had dropped on them. I let out a single dry chuckle and began to speak again.
“Black Mesa… was madness, and now you all know the truth. But I’m afraid, my story doesn’t end there,” Suddenly Salvinia spoke before I could continue.
“Whoa whoa whoa… Hold on… You can’t just drop that on us and then just carry on talking like it never happened. I don’t know what kind of world you come from but ours doesn’t practice your level of violence,” She says stepping in front of the other three Kirin as if to protect them, moving a bit closer to me, “I want some answers!” Autumn stepped forward closer to me before I could say anything in my defense.
“Salvinia! Calm down! Why are you jumping on him like that?” She said as she defended me. Salvinia looked at her in shock.
“What do you mean what’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you? Why are you defending him? You heard what he said, he’s murdered his own kind before, innocent humans no less! He’s a murderer!” She spat back. And yet again before I could respond, Autumn stepped closer towards Salvinia. But even before she could speak Salvinia spoke out cutting her off.
“Just think of what he’ll do to us if he deems us his next target!” She glared down at me with a kind of hatred I hadn't seen in their kind before, I could have sworn I saw a fire in her eyes, but that might have just been the fire in front of me. I stared back up at her, and was about to get up from my seat to speak, but once again Autumn stepped closer towards me and spoke out.
“You know he wouldn’t do that, even if he’s done it before we’ve given him no reason to kill us. And obviously he’s regretful for what he’s done! I mean come on! Those tears you saw weren’t fake, and they weren’t pity tears either, we can sense emotion remember, it’s the basis of our magic, everyone here can! You're telling me that looking at him you can’t see somepony who’s regretful for what they’ve done to his own kind?” Salvinia quickly shot her eyes down at me, and I glared back at her, our eyes met and she stared for a few moments. As time passed, I could see her muscles relax as the anger on her face drained, she then took a step backward and hung her head in shame.
“I… I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking straight. I’m sorry Adrian, I didn’t mean to offend you, and she’s right, those tears were as real as they could be. I've just never been confronted with or heard of something like that before. I’ve never even thought that somepony could just do that to their own kind,” She was quick to apologize. That was something I could respect. But she was right.
“You’re right I never thought that too, until Black Mesa. And technically, I never killed a single person while I was there… I only killed Aliens, and those that shot at me first. This was in fact against my orders but at the same time, I never really got my orders to begin with. My Osprey crashed before my platoon commander could give them to me. All I knew is that my life and my fellow countrymen's lives were in danger of being compromised. So I did what came natural to me, and I saved as many lives as I could. Whether they were a scientist or a marine. It was my duty, to god and country to save the lives of the innocent. And I was doing a great job at it. I made sure that the men and women I lead to safety had an easy way to escape the facility before I moved on. But it was all in vain,” I said, going to stare back at the ground. The Kirin returned to their seats as Autumn came to my side, wrapping a tender hoof around my shoulder to console me.
“I don’t think I want to know why it was but at the same time I feel compelled to ask… Why was it in vain?” Fern asked with extreme caution. I glanced up at Autumn and smiled, giving her a gentle tap on the shoulder letting her go back to her seat. I then looked over at Fern.
“You wanna know why? It’s because of that asshole…” I paused as I could feel anger beginning to surface from a deep pit within my soul.
The fire crackled and snapped, the woods around me chirped and chittered into the night, and the Kirin around the campsite stared at me with wide eyes, their shocked faces illuminated by the glow of the flames. Besides Salvinia’s outburst, Autumn defending me, and the questions, the Kirin haven’t offered much to say, mostly because I believe they truly don’t understand the gravity of the situation I was in. So there they sat, bewildered at my tale so far. I’m sure Autumn had no idea that I was going to open up like that, hell neither did I. It all came out so fast that I couldn’t stop myself or even lie through my teeth to save a little bit of skin. It was like I was a runaway freight train that had jumped the tracks, which then took out a nearby peaceful neighborhood that was just a little bit too close to a sharp bend in the rails. But I said I what I said and it was all out in the open now. No secrets or regrets, all but water under the bridge now.
Well not really, not yet anyway, this was going to take some time to fizzle out, and I was screwed if it didn't. Regardless, I knew that these Kirin had no concept of modern day politics, it was obvious. I mean the closest form of government they had was basic tribalism and a loose aristocracy. So to explain the next part of my story was going to be a bit difficult, even for Autumn who had listened to me talk about America and how it functioned for about half a week. Sure I told them it was a horrible time and thousands of people died, but they don’t and probably won't, understand the true terrible truth behind it all. The politics.
Heck me myself probably didn't even know the whole story of what happened, maybe there was dirty deeds done behind dirty doors, sabotage from the inside or outside, or something completely alien to my understanding. But something in my gut tells me, that I know what happened at Black Mesa. And with that being said…
“Let me tell you about a friend of mine,” I said, as I pulled my head up out of my lap to look around at the Kirin sitting around the fire.
“W-What?” Salvinia questioned, perking her head up, almost defensively as I spoke. I turned to her and spoke again.
“I said, let me tell you about a friend of mine… One that has been with me for a very long time. One that has watched over me, without me even knowing he was there. One that might even still be watching me, right now,” The Kirin would stir in their seats as they hesitantly looked around the area. Their faces now stricken with obvious signs of unease.
I continued. “A silent watcher type that is always in a spot that I can’t touch him, get to him, or speak to him, even if I tried my hardest or ran my fastest. A man… alien… thing, that I like to call, the G-Man,” The atmosphere around the campsite grew thick, like I was speaking words that aren’t meant to be spoken, like I was reciting passages from the book of the undead. I could feel and physically see the Kirin becoming increasingly worried as they listened to me, their ears would twitch and their eyes would dart over their shoulders from time to time as I continued on with my exposition. And their fear is a good thing, the G-Man has the right to be feared by all, and hated by me and who knows how many others.
“He is… a creature of unknowable powers, who works for unseen beings that I’m not entirely sure exist in this reality. Maybe he uses magic, maybe he’s a god, maybe he could be something completely unknowable to me, to the rest of you, or to anyone. He’s above any organization he claims to be a part of, and always somehow manages to gain access to places without needing to show any form of ID, at least I think. He is… is… I don’t know. To be truly honest, his existence is an enigma to me. And if you want me to be truly honest, his presence is a great big pain in the fucking ass…” The Kirin would recoil slightly at my words that came spitting from my lips like hot magma. I could feel my anger rising as I spoke of him.
“And… You said he’s your friend? Fern Flare asks quietly. I turn to her quickly and speak on instinct.
“He is NOT a friend. I was being facetious. I hate that creature with every fiber of my being. If hate could manifest itself for me I would use that energy, and strangle him to death with it. I would do unspeakable things to that cretin. He is my immortal enemy and if I had the opportunity to take everything away from him and crush his body like a soda can, I would not only do it, but I would record it and watch that recording every night before I go to bed knowing that blue suit wearing, briefcase totting, paint breath smelling, manipulative, disgusting G-Man is dead hoping that nobody will mourn his expiration,” I let out a sigh and look to the ground.
“By the moon, are you sure those tears were real Autumn?” I hear Salvinia say as the air grows quiet and absent from my words. I look up to see her coiling inwards a bit as she stares me down, her eyes glancing up and down my body. She had lifted a hoof up to her chest, and another hoof to the nearest Kirin near her, disgusted by what I said while trying to protect herself, and her friends. I then saw Autumn rise again to defend me, but this time I was ready. I raise a hand to her, and stand up from my seat, never leaving eye contact with Salvinia.
“Let me ask you something,” I said resting my hands behind my back. I lean in slightly looking down at her while I stand, she moves back slightly in response for now I stare her dead in the eyes. “What if I told you that the G-Man, is the single soul responsible for completely destroying a multi-billion dollar research facility, manned by 4,000 souls at its peak capacity. What if I told that through his deception, lies, and manipulation of high ranking military officers, plus some of the smartest scientific minds of my nation, a nation of which that has over 300 million people within its borders; managed to take an entire combat ready battalion of 2000 US Marine special forces with artillery, light armored vehicles, tanks, jets, engineers, and attack helicopters, and force them into invading the multi-billion dollar, government funded, research facility that I had mentioned before, only to detonate a nuclear payload at the center of the complex to kill everyone and everything that had ever seen or heard the words Black Mesa,” I say raising my eyebrows to her as my eyes now stare deep into hers, while waiting for an answer. I could see her fear staring back at me. She goes to open her mouth to speak, but can’t muster anything to say. Her eyes now dart around the campsite looking to the other Kirin as if asking for help. She was truly speechless, which is what I wanted. Saying anything now would be an insult to her intelligence, so she remained quiet but panicked as I had yet again, said so much, in such a small time span. I kneel in front of her, and again she coils back. My initial rank over I speak with a less condescending tone now.
“Salvinia… I know, with 100% certainty, that if you were in my boots, and saw the things I’ve seen, while knowing the things I know, you would hate him too,” She was quick to respond.
“B-But I can’t, I can only imagine the things you’ve seen, not that I really want to in all honesty, and again, I’m sorry for my comments but you say such, terrible things and the human world, your world, just seems so dark and depressing,” I then lean backwards and land on my rock and chuckle as I do.
“That's because it is Salvinia. My world, my personal world, to those looking in from the outside, manifests to them like a dumpster fire. What is normal to the spider, is chaos to the fly. It’s not an easy life the one I live, It’s filled with terrible terrible things. But at the same time there is so much behind the horribleness, behind the danger and the death. So much experience and life lived and knowledge gained. So many amazing things that triumph over the darkness in fact, that I could never cover it all in one night. But I personally feel that, it is necessary for you all to understand why I am the way I am, if I am to live here amongst you,” I turn to Autumn who looks to me, her face aghast with shocked emotion. I give her a look, I pull up an eyebrow as if asking her if it was a good idea to keep talking. She seemed to understand my intentions, and the aghast look in her face turned to a stiff upper lip, and she gave me a nod.
I then turned back to the group, who were all now trying to all get in a seat that gave them a better view of me. Their fear had been somewhat stamped out by their curiosity. It was as if, these four Kirin including Autmun had never really engaged themselves with outsiders before. I respected these Kirin, they may be freaked out, but they’re willing to listen and learn. Maybe they have indeed been starved of real talk for a long time.
And so, I gave them what they wanted and I spilled everything out in front of them.
I talked about my life before I joined the USMC. I talked about high school, and getting my car, and working my first job. I detailed my experiences in boot camp when I joined the military. I talked about my military career up until the point of me joining the HECU. I talked about Fort Santego and the training we were given and I talked about my new Drill Instructors and Teachers. I talked about seeing the G-Man around the base many times talking to high ranking officers ranging from the battalion section heads, to the battalion commander himself. I then talked about how after not seeing the G-Man for a while, I noticed a drastic change in our training and about hearing through the grape vine about Black Mesa from some of the medical corpsmen in the battalion BAS.
Then I talked about the PCV’s we were issued from Black Mesa, I talked about how they worked, and said that Black Mesa made these vests from the same technology they had already adapted for their own personal use and research. Trying to explain how these vests worked was like pulling teeth with Fern. She just kept asking questions, even after Petris was honest with her in saying that they would be here all night if she kept on asking things. But, they were good questions so I didn’t mind explaining what I could, much to Sretica’s enjoyment, who was fascinated by the PCV. It seemed she enjoyed the new technology I had brought with me, even more than Fern.
After that I moved onto Black Mesa itself, the elephant in the room at this point, after all I could only talk about Fort Santego so much. I talked about how, despite us already pretty much knowing where we were heading, our chain of command had decided to keep us in the dark about the details of our mission. I then explained how my Osprey was shot down while en-route to our landing zone. Yet again, Fern asked questions, and Sretica loved it, this time it was about the V-22 Osprey VTOL.
Explaining as much as I could about the aircraft, I told them what Squadron they were a part of, Squadron VMM-360 “Made in Heaven.” I talked about the nose paint that my osprey had. It was a depiction of a head and shoulders shot of Freddie Mercury singing into a microphone, with the word “champion” beneath it in big bold letters. I then had to explain who Freddie Mercury was to Autumn.
After all of that was said and done, I moved on with the conversation.
For the next couple of hours or so, I spilled the beans. I discussed with them everything that I saw, did, or heard about. I talked about what the science team at Black Mesa was doing, what they were doing in Xen, and all of the freaky alien creatures I had come across that I had to get rid of. I unfortunately told them about how, many of the scientists I came across were terrified of me, and were too old or frail to fight and just wanted to be rescued or left alone. I said this, then reiterated that our orders were to silence the facility.
But after this I then said that the G-Man was the one that sent us in there, and that he was probably the one that caused the accident to begin with for whatever twisted reasoning he had.
At first they didn’t understand.
They couldn’t understand how one man could cause so much destruction. I tried to make them see. I tried my hardest to explain the complexities of human politics and backstabbing bureaucrats. I did my best trying to explain the complexities of modern warfare and how military orders flow down the chain of command. And worst of all, I undertook the task of trying to convince them that, everywhere I went in that godforsaken building he was watching me, and possibly others as well. I said he was like an all seeing eye that was evaluating me, seeing what kind of man I was, and what I was made of, seeing if I could be of greater service to him.
And finally I stated with furious anger, that in order for him to judge whether I was a good marine, or a good fighter, or a good leader, for whatever pet hamster project he was working on, thousands of innocent people had to die for no greater cause than his own selfish desire.
And after us meeting at that campsite for the rest of the week and even into the next week, did they slowly begin to understand where I was coming from. And before I knew it I had spent nine days here in this world, and as the ash and charcoal from the fire grew in size with each passing day, their quest for knowledge grew as well. I could see it and hear it in the way they talked, in the way they asked questions. I saw it in how they grew ever closer to me physically, and more curious about some things that, in the end, even I didn’t know about. Questions that I wanted answers for as well like, what was it all for, what does the G-Man want from me, and why does he always hide from confrontation?
And as we talked and talked those days away, as nine turned into fourteen, those five Kirin got closer to me not only physically, but hopefully emotionally as well. I felt I was doing the right thing telling them all this information. It is the only true way I was going to be able to adapt them to dealing with who I was. It was the only way I could see myself living among them without this overbearing guilt weighing me down, even if in the end...
I still felt like shit. I still felt guilty and angry for the things I did, and for the things that were done to me. I would never forget.
But I mean, I could at least try you know? After all, they’re good listeners, and luckily they have me to listen to because I’m sure if it was a scientist or a security guard telling them the tale of Black Mesa. I would be painted as the villain.
And after time went by, the Kirin understood why that might be.
But in the end, the radio was no longer even a part of the conversation, and we had completely forgotten about its significance. Even I forgot about why it was important, and I wouldn't remember why it was... for a long time...
Today marks one of the darkest days that I have ever experienced in my entire military career. All of the nightmares of war, the horrible inhuman terrors of Black Mesa, and the crushing reality of my existence, all pale in comparison to what I have just discovered about my current predicament here in this new world.
For as of this morning I have regrettably finished up the last of my food reserves. As I popped the last Skittle from the last Skittle packet into my mouth, I looked down at the empty MRE packet, and a wave of overwhelming dread took a hold of my body, and plunged me into a state of irreversible depression. I had lasted fourteen days on three twenty four hour rations, an amazing feat that even I couldn't believe. But now wasn't the time for celebration, now was the time for panic. Nothing will ever be the same from this point on. My lips shall never be able to taste the sweet flavors of a US military Meal Ready to Eat ration ever again. Who knows how long it will be until my mind forgets what they taste like, a week, a month? Will I ever be able to remember they existed at all in my elder years if I stop eating them now? Will I ever feel the touch of a full plastic package of prepared military sanctioned food? My life has been flipped upside down, the world as I know it is coming to an end, reality itself is beginning to unfold around me. The fact that I lasted two weeks on three MRE’s is nothing more than a miracle to begin with. But now it’s all gone, no more food! No more jalapeno and cheese spread, no more chili mac, no more charms… even though I didn't eat those anyway, and worst of all… no more Skittles!
How will I be able to feed myself from this point on? The future is bleak and cold! My life is collapsing all around me! What will I do?! These were the thoughts running through my mind, before I turned to my left and found my Colt 727 sitting by my side. I then realized something, something that was obvious. And as my hand came up from my side and smacked my cheek, much harder than I intended, I snapped out of my delusions.
“Oh that's right… I have a gun, and on top of that I went to the advanced marksmanship school when I was with the HECU… and before that I managed to score expert in the rifle qualifications while in bootcamp back at Parris Island, which is what landed my ass in the sniper platoon for the battalion once I was transferred to special forces after the Gulf War,” I leaned down almost instinctively and picked up the carbine and looked it over, dusting some dirt off the rear sight, almost like my body was moving off of autopilot. I then proceeded to give the weapon a quick pre combat check. I pulled back the charging handle half way, and saw the glint of brass in the receiver. I then let the bolt go back and pressed on the forward assist for good measure.
“Plus on top of all of that… this is a fully automatic assault carbine, if I don’t hit the target with the first shot I take, I’ll definitely hit it with the next 29 I let off,” I then stop looking it over and pause while thinking about the implications of hunting in the surrounding area. I then come to the conclusion that maybe, I should just ask for food instead of going around the woods blowing the heads off rabbits and wild hogs.
“I don’t think I have a hunting license either, but I don’t think the Kirin will be checking for something like that,” I said out loud before I looked up at the surrounding woods.
“Then again, I don’t really want to turn this place into my own personal hunting grounds, not sure the Kirin would like that. I guess I’ll… Just have to ask for food,” I look to the ground in front of me in defeat, and sigh deeply. I never wanted this day to come but it was inevitable, as much as I didn’t like it. My food reserves would only last me so long, and beyond that I would need to adapt further. Of course, fulfilling a military diet here is going to be a bit of a hassle, as for the greater part of my life, and through the marines, I have always been counting calories off of the ingredients list from the things I’ve eaten. And now? I’m just gonna have to ask, or spit ball it, whichever comes first.
Of course that hurdle is going to be roughly easy to jump over, what isn’t going to be easy is, asking for food. Which means, I am going to have to go into the Kirin Village. Which means I now don’t have the liberty of letting the Kirin come to me, I now have to go to them. I mean I could totally ask Autumn to bring me food but, I ain’t no fucking king. I ain’t gonna have that poor Kirin spend her money on me.
“God I hate the fact that I have to do this now… UUuuuugh… But, overall survival is a human's best attribute, I must, therefore I shall. God this is going to be fucking awkward,” I stand from my rock and straighten out my back.
Soon my gear is placed back onto my body with straps strapped up and buckles fastened. For now my gas mask would be removed from my face, and placed in it’s tote bag on my left thigh, while my Colt rests over my right shoulder, gently clunking along as I walk towards the Kirin Village.
Seeing the world without my tactical display is a bit alien to me. Taking the mask off while eating, drinking, and sleeping are the only times I don’t have it on, well, that and dancing. It feels strange to smell air that isn’t filtered, and the world sounds quiet now in comparison without hearing my restricted breathing constantly as I walked. It did feel good but, at the same time I do enjoy keeping a constant eye on my body's life signs. But I guess if I’m going to get friendly with the local population, it would be wise to let them see my face once and awhile, and let them hear my deep baritone voice without it being shoved through a voice modulator making it sound like I gargled bricks for the past three years.
You know, I’m not one to pat myself on the back or anything but, I do have a good set of pipes on me. I could sing for literally hours if I wanted to, hell if my voice was a bit deeper, and I knew some more songs, I’d damn near sound like Frank Sinatra, and would be happy to sing like him too. I would be content, no, happy as a god damn clam to just sitting on a barstool on a stage with a light on me, and sing away to hell and back. Maybe one day I'll have a chance to do that, just sing on stage in a tuxedo with my hair all done up nicely beneath a wide brimmed black felt fedora… but I doubt it, my singing only sounds good to me, and me alone. Probably because I’ve never sung solo before, or in front of anybody. I only sing in the shower when it’s just me, my thoughts, and the voices in my head. Plus I’m sure if I started singing, fly me to the moon in front of my squadmates they’d beat the shit out of me, and send me packing straight to the moon, for a good reason I suppose. Still, it would be nice to sing again.
Then something made me physically stop in my tracks as a metaphorical glass window shattered in my head.
“OH SHIT… Someone HAS heard me sing before! Fucking Autumn! When we were on the mountain, when we first found that radio I sang the first chorus to Saint Elmo's fire! Fuck!” I quietly cursed out loud as I replayed the scene in my head. I tried to recall if she had a ghastly look on her face when I sang but I couldn’t remember. I mentally kicked myself in my fat stupid ass for letting my vocals out in front of her as I could actually feel my cheeks grow hot. I could have totally compromised my biggest secret if I sounded good to her, hopefully I sounded like shit. I mean she hasn’t asked me about it since so, maybe I did, which is good.
“The last thing I need is for her to know I can sing well, because if she found that out about me and if I ever find other marines from my platoon again and she mouths off to them because well, let’s be honest she can talk a lot, my reputation is ruined. Hell not even my friends back home know I can sing. The only person that knows I can is… my grandmother, but only because she caught me listening to music in my bedroom that one time I was visiting her. And I should really stop saying all of this out loud!” I then quickly swivel my head about in a frantic fashion as I scan the area for those who might be listening. Luckily, I wasn’t close enough to the village yet. I sigh and straighten myself out and continue forward, though I could have sworn I heard something rustle a bush behind me, but that could have been anything. A rabbit? A squirrel?
Yeah… could have been anything…
I finally reached the village limits. I could see Kirin trotting about their morning business completely unaware of my presence despite me being in the middle of one of, if not the only path into town. A part of me was happy they didn’t see me right away, gave me a chance to sneak in and sneak out undetected. Then again I don’t steal, and I most definitely don’t steal food like some fucking raccoon, so that was out of the question. Taking a deep breath and spotting the town center where all the food and convenience stands were located, I began to enter the village with my head held high. But within two seconds of stepping inside the village, did a Kirin see me. It was a faded blue Kirin with a dirty ginger mane, with green eyes. From what I could tell, he was a stallion. He and I were only a few feet apart from bumping into each other, he had stepped out from a house to my left and was walking across the street. He turned to me and flinched and froze as our eyes met, I continued forward, and gave him a nod and a tip of the helmet. In response he backed up away from me, and held his head low, his eyes tracking me as I passed him. This may have been the first time he had seen me, or had seen me without my mask on. His reaction was, not uncalled for given the circumstance, but what was uncalled for was the fact that every Kirin that I passed after him, gave me the same reaction, if not more with the inclusion of some galloping quickly away in the opposite direction. I felt like a freak.
Soon after passing many homes, and many more frightened Kirin, I crossed a small footbridge over a stream and was now within the town's marketplace. The market in question was rather large, populated with many stands and twice as many inhabitants. It was bustling with patrons and storekeepers, the sounds of many voices overlapping each other created a very pleasing atmosphere to the ears. The stands were draped in different colored cloths that protected the merchandise from the sun, and were a rainbow of different patterns that were pleasing to look at, well for me at least. From what Autumn told me about the currency here, gold coins called bits were the money that the Kirin recognized as a base trade for goods and services. They were being exchanged regularly from customers to stand owners, either individually or by small brown woven sacks. It was refreshing to see something sort of familiar to me, reminding me of the farmers market back in my hometown.
Everything was moving like clockwork, right up until one Kirin that was buying an assortment of what looked like cup holders noticed me. Her horn magic which was levitating the objects off the counter to her saddle bag cut out, and the coasters fell to the ground. They thumped against the grass, and as they settled she began to retreat a bit away from me. The store keeper was at first confused, before he too noticed what she was afraid of, and did the same, quickly slumping down behind his table. And like dominos, the voices went silent, and the market ground to a halt. Dozens upon dozens of surprised and scared kirin eyes looked to me, all of them frozen in place, some even mid transaction. And I stared back. I slowly moved my head from left to right, as to not make any sudden movements, and to scan the area for any possible aggressors or those that would hinder my forward progress. Perceiving no threat in the area, or at least not being able to see it for now, I looked to the Kirin that dropped the cup holders to the ground. She had moved just over ten feet away from me, her eyes darting up and down my body, staring at my hands to my face, obviously scared out of her mind.
I made my way over to the cup holders that she had let go of, and crouched down to one knee. I looked over what I thought were the cup holders, in fact they seemed to be very flat and circular rocks, with glistening white crystals in them. I then glanced up at her, I could see her chest moving up and down as she now backed up and bumped into another stand, her pupils shrinking in her eyes. I then stared back into those eyes, and smiled. In response, her chest stopped rising and falling so hard, and she took her hoof down away from her chest fluff. Her eyes also seemed to soften, as well as her pupils returning to a somewhat normal size. I looked away from her, and proceeded to pick up the rocks. I held them all into my right hand, and stood up. I could feel the eyes of the world upon me at this very moment whilst I made my way over to the now, just barely slightly calmed down Kirin. She watched me as I came close, as she shambled to her hooves.
I stuck my fist out to her, clutching the rocks with the same smile I gave her before. And with my smoothest non singing voice I spoke to her, while the Kirin in the market inched a bit closer towards the two of us, they moved to us like cautious deer.
“Here, you dropped these,” My voice cut the air as all the Kirin in the marketplace slowly froze, some of them even gasped. They looked to the mare, eager for a response as if trying to figure out what they should do next, no doubt following her example whatever she did. After all they did out number me and could get the jump on me if I did pose a threat. The mare looked up to my face, then to my fist, and then repeated this action over and over again, as if what I was doing wasn’t happening, she looked completely shocked, dumbfounded that despite my physically off putting disposition I was helping her.
The Kirin slowly rose to her hooves and with her magic she quickly took the rocks from my hand. Upon examining my hand, and the rocks she took from me, she gently put them into her saddlebag. The mare, with a weary voice then spoke to me.
“T-Thank you, Mr. H-Human…” I smile warmly again and give a gentle chuckle.
“Please, Mr. Human is my father's name,” I responded to her with a wide grin. She cocks her head slightly and squints her eyes and raises a brow in confusion.
“R-Really?” I stuttered then spoke back a bit less enthusiastically than before, at least she sounded intrigued instead of scared now.
“N-No that was a joke… His name is Chet,” The Kirin went to say something but her words failed her. She looked away from me and turned around to the crowd of Kirin behind her as if looking for help, which none came before turning back around physically confused as she searched for what to say next. Looking back to me she spoke with the flattest voice imaginable still out of the loop on what was going on.
“I… I don’t get it…” This mare spoke with such genuine confusion, such empty mindedness, it was admittedly pretty funny even though I knew it shouldn’t be. Hearing the mare say this, a snicker escaped my lips as I closed my eyes and slowly began to giggle, my head shaking back and forth lightly telling me it’s wrong to laugh at a time like this. However this giggle turned into a gentle laugh which began to snowball into getting louder, a laugh that began to infect the mare in front of me. Her laugh was an awkward one at first, but as I grew louder and began to laugh harder at what she said, and how she said it, her’s grew too, and it became genuine. I know she’s technically laughing at me, but at the same time she was laughing with me too.
And over the course of the next five to ten minutes the two of us laughed and laughed, getting louder and louder. And because of course it is, the infectious laugher spread further. It didn’t get the whole marketplace rolling on the floor busting guts, but just the ones close enough to hear us talk were the ones sharing the laughter.
Eventually though. The laughing stopped, and after clearing the tears from my eyes and taking a few good deep breaths letting the laughter fizzle out, I turned and addressed the still confused and now absolutely gobsmacked marketplace crowd. I rose my hand into the air and spoke loudly and clearly, like I was addressing a nation.
“Alright come on now. You all knew this day would come eventually, because no matter how you roll the dice, either you would have eventually come to me or I would come to you. And as much as I would like to stay out of sight and out of mind for you all, I am indeed a living breathing creature that needs food to survive just like you. Which if you were wondering, that is why I’m here, I just ran out of food and I’m here to buy some. I’m sorry for causing such a disruption in your midst, I won’t be here for that long and once I’m gone you can return to normality,” As I said these words the Kirin of the market slowly rose back to their full height and listened carefully. Their faces turned from frightened to understanding as some of them even nodded to one another in agreement as if what I was saying was the truth.
Glad to know that all Kirin, not just Autumn, can listen good.
But despite my words, there were still some in the crowd that I could see who were still afraid of me, which I could respect, I was still twice their size and I probably emitted some kind of aura to them that makes me look unnatural. I’ll try not to get near them if I can and limit the amount of time I’m here to overall decrease my presence more than I already have, which I really haven’t to begin with.
When I finished speaking they all for the most part returned to their business, albeit a bit quieter now and with more looks over their shoulder, specifically at me.
Right then… Time to requisition some food… Oh wait that’s right…
The Marketplace had returned to a somewhat normal state, minus the stares that were being thrown my way once in a while. I felt like I wasn’t wanted here and that I'm out of place, but this needed to be done whether these Kirin wanted me here or not. I approached one of the stalls nearest to me on my left, closest to the bridge I walked over to get here. It was a stall that for the most part sold only fruits and vegetables. The funny thing was is, despite this being an alien world filled with magical Fantastical things, I was actually able to recognize the food items that were displayed. The food was facing outwards towards customers, and were stored in wooden crates on the table top. The wooden bins were arranged like a sports bleacher, one row of items behind and above another row in front of it. On the top row there were Carrots, Potatoes, Beetroots, and a crate with an assortment of brown mushrooms. In front of that row was another row filled with Apples, Bananas, Oranges, and Lemons. Next to these rows of produce, hanging above them from a wooden support that was structurally integral to the stall, was a suspension scale that had writing on it, of which I couldn’t understand.
It seems that the Kirin language sounds like English to my ears, but reads differently. The language had symbols and assembled words that I had never seen before, which was definitely strange to look at. I believe this will become a rather large gap I need to jump over when the time comes. It would be at this point after overlooking much of the offerings that this little shop had, that I would catch the eye of the stall keeper, who was hiding behind his table, underneath the green striped circus-like canopy of his produce stall. This Kirin was sand colored, with a brown mane and tail. He also sported a pair of emerald green eyes, ones that watched me with dismay. The Kirin also wore a light red, almost pink apron around his chest fluff and body, and looked to be wearing some sort of mobile money bank saddlebag over his back. I would stand up formally, and casually approach closer to the stall, as if I were approaching a future employer at a job interview. I would then speak after clearing my throat in an orderly and dignified manner. What I was about to do, would be unorthodox even back on Earth, so I figured looking as professional as possible would aid me greatly in this endeavor.
“Good morning,” I would say trying to make my voice as professional as possible, my left hand gripping my left ALICE front strap, my other hand gripping my rifle sling. “I would like to purchase some food from your establishment,” Saying this, the Kirin would rise up a bit from behind his table and would listen closer, his ears now swiveling about to face me.
“But seeings as I am a foreigner to this land, and have no stockpile of your localized currency of, bits, I would like to enquire about some jobs you might have so that I may earn some, so that I might be able to exchange said money I earn for food.” I would then cap this explanation off with a grin as I maintained concentration on trying to look as non intimidating as possible to this Kirin I just met. And luckily it seemed to be working, as I finished speaking the Kirin would reveal itself fully to me and would stand next to his table like he was doing, before I showed up here.
“Y-... You want a… job?” The Kirin asked, bewildered at my request. I would nod in response.
“Yeah you know a job. Anything that you might need to do between now and when you close up for the evening, I can take care of for you, in exchange for an equal amount of pay for my labor,” I would say, as if trying to explain the very basics of capitalism to a 5 year old, without sounding too much like a condescending asshole. Luckily the Kirin was quick to grasp the concept.
“Right no no… I get what you mean. Uhm, I really don’t exactly have much to offer you in all honesty, but…” I would cut him off quickly and reassure him of my willingness.
“Please, anything you need to get done I will do no matter what it is. I promise to be as quick as I am thorough,” The Kirin would freeze as he looked up at me, thinking of what I said while he was now lost in the moment of thought. He would look off to his left towards the Market, most likely seeing all the gazes and stares of the other Kirin around us. He would then look back to me shaking his head.
“I-... I’m sorry, the only job I have available, if you could call it a job, would need you to know the in’s and out’s of Perilous Peaks, as I need something delivered to somepony. You, as far as I know, haven’t set hoof inside this village since you’ve been here… I-I mean! Correct me if I’m wrong, and if I am I will gladly give you the job but, if not then, I’m sorry Mister,” The kirin would deliver this news to me while rubbing his forearm with his hoof. I was quick to respond to his allegations.
“Well, yes. It is true that this is my first time setting foot inside your village, and it is also true that I don't have extensive knowledge of the roads here, but!” I would say raising a finger matter-of-factly. “I don’t think that knowing the streets of this village is integral to me delivering something to someone,” The kirin would tilt his head, now confused.
“Well, no offense mister but, I just don’t see how you could deliver a package to somepony if you don’t know where they live and how to get there,” I would respond quickly to the stall keeper with a hypothetical question that may or may not have anything to do with the current situation but I felt it necessary to say anyway.
“True, but explorers of unknown territory don’t know where they're going until they create a map. Do they get told by nature where things are in person and they craft a map that way? Or do they let the environment make one for them by easily identifiable landmarks?” I say. The kirins head would recoil lightly as an eyebrow would rise high up onto his forehead.
“W-... What? W-... Huh?” The Kirin said as he stammered, his fear now practically disappearing as he was now more confused by what I just said than he was scared of me, breaking down the species barrier a little bit, and making him feel just a bit more comfortable around me. “I don’t get what you’re driving at…” He would say scratching his head. To be fair neither did I, I just sort of threw words together there to sound smart and now, I needed to back up what I said by making that mistake of a sentence make sense.
“What I’m trying to get at is I don’t need to know the streets of the village. I just need to know the general direction of the drop off location, what’s around it, and what it looks like,” I said with confidence. “The package will arrive untampered, and in good grace to the recipient, not that you need to worry about that or anything,” The Kirin would start to give in as he hummed with thought as his eyes would dart about overlooking his produce.
“I don’t know… The place you would be delivering the package to is a house amongst other similar looking houses,” The stall keeper said as he looked up at me again. I would nod.
“This is fine, I'll just ask around for the house belonging to the Kirin I need to deliver the package to, or you could tell me any specific identifying differences about the drop off house,” As I say this I can see the stall keeper weighing his options as he continues to think, humming as he does so. I would then lean forward a bit before delivering my next selling point.
“I also happen to have extensive experience as an infantry scout and marksman sniper I was deployed to my battalion's sniper platoon first as a spotter, then as a sniper after going through extensive Marksmanship training. I have served many of my battle brothers over the years successfully, and have racked up hundreds of hours in the field reconnoitering enemy positions and allocating targets. I’m sure I will have no problem finding the house,” The Kirin would freeze up again, processing everything I said with visible difficulty. It would then speak after a long pause.
“I have, no idea what any of that means. I uh, also don’t know what it has to do with this current task,” I would rethink what I had just said and would try again, this time explaining it a bit better while also again, not trying to sound like a total asshole.
“I know how to read maps, gauge distances, uses compasses, locate landmarks, and talk to locals well enough to find objects of great importance, and I’ve been doing that for 10 years while serving in my nation's armed forces,” I would respond, igniting that grin I had from earlier as if I were a child trying to get an extra hour of tv watching privileges before bed. Upon my explanation the Kirin would concede.
Nodding his head he would speak, “Alright… You’ve convinced me mister. I’ll give you the job,” He stood up confidant in his decision, before taking a few steps towards me to stand Toe to hoof. “What’s your name by the way, I don’t think it’s right calling you mister all the time, it’s a bit rude you know?” I would nod my head.
“My name is Corporal Adrian Shephard, but you can call me Adrian,” I say holding out a hand for a hand shake. The Kirin looked down at my hand and then back up at me confused, I felt like I had been in shoes before.
I would explain what a handshake was and the kirin would give a dry chuckle in understanding, and would place his hoof in my palm. “Short Change, nice to meet you Adrian,” We would fermly shake each other's appendage, “I hope I can count on you,” He would state, turning back to his stall. I would prove him right.
I would watch the Kirin return to his produce, and move past the counter. He would walk to the back of the small structure and grab a brown bag of groceries with his magic, the bag was resting on a stool so that it was isolated from the ground, probably a precautionary measure to ensure that the produce inside the bag wasn't eaten by insects were other small animals. Short Change would return to me, the bag aloft by his magic. He would levitate the bag into my arms, and my hands would close around it like a football. I held it there against me firm enough so that when his magic faded away, I would have a good grip on the bag so that it didn't immediately fall on the ground and spill all over the grass of the market.
Sure enough, when the magical aura surrounding the pre-picked produce dissipated, the weight of the bag would become known to me. It wasn't that heavy but it was definitely weighty enough for me to feel it.
“This produce has already been paid for in advance. The only thing you need to do is deliver the groceries to the Kirin who bought them yesterday. The Kirins name is Sretica Flames and she lives over… uh- well let me show you,” Short Change would quickly trot around the produce stall, and would stop around back facing away from the market. He would point with his hoof across the way towards a pond with a fountain in the middle of it. The river I had crossed before getting to the market curved in such a way, that this fountain pond and the river were two separate bodies of water. He would turn to me and go on to explain.
“She lives past that pond, follow that path directly behind it and continue forward till you come to a fork in the path. Once you do, take a left and she’ll be the fourth house on the right. Her house has a red door, and I think if my memory still serves me correctly, a brown welcome mat out front,” I would quickly mentally jot all of this information down. “Sretica herself is a bright faded yellow mare with a light lime green mane. She also has this pair of… dark deep beautiful… ruby red eyes. I-If you can’t find her house, look around for her, or ask other Kirin on the street she lives on, but I'm sure you can't miss her” He would explain.
After listening to the directions he provided to me, I would notice his stutter, and his description of Sretica. I at first found it a bit strange that this store keeper knew how to get to Sretica’s house just off the top of his head, then again she may have done this before, or many times, and he’s memorized the route. But after listening to how he described her eyes, I knew something else was going on. But, I wouldn’t say anything.
“Alright I got it, house with a red door and brown welcome mat out front. I’ll be back as quick as I can,” I said as professionally as I could before turning away from him, and beginning my journey towards the fountain. But before I made it too far, I heard Short Change call out to me.
“Oh! And don’t even think about looking in the ba-... I-I mean taking stuff from the bag!” I would pause for a moment, spinning around to look at him with a brow raised. I gave him a reassuring wave and a nod before continuing forward towards my destination.
It was obvious to me that I wouldn't take anything from the bag, I don’t steal other people's property, that goes without saying, but what exactly did he mean by, don’t look inside it? My eyes would drift down to the bag as I got further from the market. To be honest he had piqued my curiosity and something was telling me that, whatever was in this bag, had something to do with his liberal description of her eyes. But, I wouldn’t breach his level of trust in me, afterall I just convinced him I was up to the task, the last thing I needed to do was squander my first and maybe only opportunity here. So I pressed on.
Other Kirin outside the market would trot about their day, saddlebags over their backs filled with fruits, vegetables, and even grain products like bread loaves and muffins. And of course, keeping with the status quo, every time I got close to a Kirin, they would turn away slightly so that my path and their own didn’t collide, once again making me feel isolated in a crowd. Of course, I know if I were in their shoes, or hooves, I would be doing the same thing so I guess I can’t blame them too much for carrying on the way they do. I just hope in the future I’ll be able to show them that I’m not some alien from outer space, even though I totally am.
Regardless of how well the population was coping with me being in their community, I passed the fountain and continued forward down the path directly behind it as per Short Changes instructions with ease.
As I walked down this path, groceries clinging to my chest with both hands and arms, I would finally have the time to really look at the housing these Kirin live in. Some of these homes were built into hillsides with simple windows and large round semi circle doors, like hobbit holes. Other houses were built on the insides of large hollowed out trees that still somehow had leaves on their treetops and were bearing fruit. I guess they managed to preserve the tree's life while still living inside of it. I guess the only thing I could compare it to is like a woodpecker making a nest. Of course not exactly like woodpeckers, I’m sure the Kirin don’t have sharpened and hardened beaks that allow them to tunnel inside trees granting them the ability to make these homes. Of course the image of a Kirin slamming their snout into a tree over and over again attempting to make a house like Woody Woodpecker was a humorous thing to imagine.
It was so humorous that I got distracted by the cartoonish image of a Kirin woodpecker long enough to bump into a tree in front of me marking the split in the path I was looking for.
“Owch! Fuck… Uh- Eh-hem… I hope nobody saw that,” I mumbled to myself as I looked around embarrassed. I would take a few steps back and rub my nose as it was the first to make contact with the tree and now it hurt quite a bit. I re-adjusted my helmet, while making sure that the night vision goggles I had were unaffected by my sudden collision. I would then look around quickly at my surroundings, just to make sure nobody saw that.
And as I did, my eyes glanced over something, something that made my heart skip a beat as I did a double take trying to confirm what I saw. I could have sworn I saw another marine. As I scanned past the path to the right of me, I saw something standing right next to one of the hobbit hole looking houses. Obscured slightly to the right of the dwelling there was the imposed silhouette of a figure, one that was human-shaped and standing tall and upright. It was almost like a shadow without a person casting it, had turned 3 dimensional, and was staring at me. And the silhouette itself had the distinct outline of a marine in full battle rattle. And what made it even worse was the first time I glanced across it, I could have sworn I heard radio static coming from my PRC-152, but that was impossible, it was turned off.
When I did my double take… It wasn’t there anymore, and I didnt hear any static. I stood there frozen for a minute staring at where I thought I saw something. Time seemed to slow down as I looked on in disbelief, adjusting my eyes over and over again as if what I saw was just a mistake. I then, after a few minutes of unending staring at nothing, would just shrug it off as my mind playing tricks on me, afterall it has been quite some time since I’ve seen a combat zone. Surely my brain can cope without combat, there was no doubt in my mind that I couldn’t. So giving off a dry singular laugh, I turned to the left, and headed down the correct path, soon ending up at the 4th house on the right.
And sure enough, red door, brown welcome mat. This was the home of Sretica Flames, one of the Kirin that regularly visits me at my campsite along with Autumn and her other friends. I wanted to mention earlier that I knew who Sretica was but I forgot to say something to Short Change. It didn’t really matter after all, if it did I would have said something. Streticas house was one of the hobbit hole styled ones, which besides the red door, blended in with the other homes surrounding it.
I bent down a bit to level myself with the door that was just big enough for me to squeeze myself through, without any gear on personage of course. I placed the bag of groceries down on the stone path that led to her welcome mat and would give the wooden door a few hearty knocks, hopefully getting her attention. And it did, for after a few seconds of waiting, Sretica answered the door, and would gasp at the sight of me instead of a Kirin.
“Adrian! What are you doing here? And… where’s your mask? I thought you said you'd die if you didn’t have it on!” She exclaimed, stepping out of her home to get a better look at my face, as this was probably one if not the first time she had seen me with my mask off. I would chuckle a bit.
“The only time I would die if I weren’t wearing this mask is if I were in a toxic environment. This isn’t a toxic environment, at least I don’t think so. If so, the toxins are tasteless,” Sretica would squint and look around my exposed face, focusing on what I assumed were the many pock marks, gashes, scrapes and bruises from my time back in Black Mesa and outside Black Mesa. My face felt comparable to a gravel road becuase of me being enlisted for 9 years, and to be quite honest, I can’t remember the last time I looked into a mirror. Would I even want to judging by how Sretica was grimacing at me?
“I… see. Well, anyway, why are you here?” She would ask, now staring up into my eyes, as I stared back. And as I did, I could see why Short Change described them the way he did. Her eyes were big and deep, almost like you could fall in if you weren’t careful. They looked beautiful, for a Kirin of course.
I handed her the groceries I was given by Short Change and explained my predicament to her. I explained I was out of food, and I needed to raise funds for myself in order to feed my body without relying on others to get food for me. I told her I didn’t feel comfortable taking food away from Autumn, or using her as a way to obtain food. I said I felt obligated to work for my meals instead of being a charity. Of course she protested saying that if she knew I was out of food, she would have brought me some without question, which was nice to hear. Knowing she would go out of her way like that, meant she wasn’t afraid of me anymore, which was of course in stark contrast to just earlier last week when she wouldn’t come near me.
I’m glad she was comfortable near me, it made me feel pretty happy...
After discussing the food situation, we would talk for a bit longer and as we did I found out that she was just as interested in myself, as she was in my equipment. As we spoke she would constantly point out bits of gear on my PCV, and would ask what they did before moving on to the next bit of kit I had, which could easily be identified as its own separate entity on my LBV. Things like my radio, magazine pouches, compass pouch, IFAK, ect. It was overall quite surprising that she took this great of interest in my gear, then again a lot of things have been surprising about these Kirin, and I sort of knew already that she was more interested in the tech I carried then me as a person when we first met.
Which I didn’t mind of course, after all she did just offer to bring me food, which was a good enough extension of friendship for me to overlook her tech obsession, which I didn’t mind anyway. I mean I could sit here for hours talking about the PCV and the rest of my gear with her if she wanted to, but I also want to see if Short Change has anymore work.
But on top of this, Sretica’s curiocity caught my attention. Her broad inquisitive mind yearning to learn about my tech would have surely pushed her over top of this valley into the great beyond if I had not shown up like I did. In fact I’m sure she would have left a long time ago to explore this world with many others following her example.
It felt like the Kirin had been isolated here for a long time, being deprived of outside contact, yet yearning to learn so much about what they don’t know. I can see it in Autumn too. I feel like they’re being kept here, forced to stay within the tall natural walls of this mountain valley, living in simple homes whilst living in ignorance. The Kirins inquisitive nature shows that they may have once existed beyond this valley at some point.
I think maybe a conversation with Rain Shine would be in order soon. Maybe it's just my inquisitive mind being overly proactive with these sort of things but I feel like there's a story here that I'm reading deep enough into to get the right amounts of context.
After talking with Sretica for a while longer, and exhausting all my time, I bid farewell to her and turned around to leave. As I started walking away I heard her exclaim out in aw. I turned around to see her levitating the bag of groceries with her magic, while reading from what looked like a birthday card. I didn't recall her having one of those before I gave her the groceries. As I focused on what she was looking at, I finally understood why Short Change had told me not to look inside the bag. This card was completely white, except for one big red heart on the face of the card that was looking at me. And judging by the blush that had manifested on her cheeks…
It was safe to assume that this… Was a love letter. How adorable. I couldn't help but smile, a genuine smile at this.
But even so, I have often reassured myself in times of great peril, that things can only get better from here, only for things to slip further and further away from the light. Of course I would never openly admit to myself that things were just getting worse and worse, I would just lie to myself and move on, hoping that this lie would be the last one. It never was.
I’ve lived the last ten years of my life by a very strict code of honor and self sacrifice, hoping each day that passes I would grow closer to a goal I have set for myself. That goal being, reaching the day that I’ll be able to look back on all that I’ve done and smile, knowing I’ve done my best. It’s the day I'll be able to think that there is nothing more I can do, that there is nothing more I can say, or give, or fight for. And while this day was a long ways away, I looked forward to it.
But now, it’s all gone. That dream is so far away from me, it's practically impossible for me to achieve it. For that I have Black Mesa to blame.
Ever since the incident, I haven’t been the same man that was shipped away to Parris Island all those years ago. I’m not the same man who fought in Kuwait, or in Somalia alongside countless battle buddies, whilst smiling and cracking jokes to pass the time. I’m not the same man that could look up into an endless night sky in a combat zone and smile knowing that the day is over and tomorrow could bring countless wonders. One that I would have the privilege to greet with a heart of iron, and smile on my face. That man left the moment I stepped foot into Black Mesa. I may joke, laugh, and smile now but there is no real heart in it. I might be able to think and act like I once was, but the real me I feel has died. I could pretend that me talking and working with the Kirin while meditating is helping me but in reality, it’s a fool's chore.
If I’m being truly honest I died when Black Mesa came knocking. I died the moment I stepped on that Osprey and left Fort Santego, and nobody can change that except for me.
Ever since my entrapment on the Equine planet, my mind had gone from bad, to worse, to something far beyond worse. I had done a pretty good job hiding it from everyone since I arrived but now, it was more than I could handle at this point. And to make it even worse, the Kirin have started to notice. Then again this past week, you would have had to be actively avoiding the clear signs that something was wrong with me on purpose.
I had been talking with Autumn and her friends more often lately, as a way to vent out my frustration by carefully disguising my hatred, as formal lectures. We used to only meet every other day, but then we started meeting everyday, at noon. We had also moved where we had been holding these talks which, despite my protests, they said was fine. The reason I protested was because we moved from my camp outside the village, to the sort of town hall that Rain Shine uses as her home during the late evening, and government building the rest of the day. Of course they asked her permission to basically use her living room as a lecture hall, and she of course said it was alright. It was a bit awkward at first I must admit, due in part because this was the first time I had sat beneath a proper roof in about half a month, almost three whole weeks. But mostly because the building was about half a size too small for me. But I got used to it quickly, I also got used to being around large groups again, my time spent in the market that one day, being a test of trust with the locals. Needless to say, we both passed. I also started drinking tea, which I had never done before, not even iced tea.
It wasn't terrible and it could have be worse. The way I saw it, I guessed it was just nice to drink something else besides water for once. I was also able to construct a legitimate schedule for myself, that helped me plan out my day to day activities, as a way trying to bring some order to my life, when before there was none. I had started using it the day after I ran out of food and started working at the towns market for money. It went a little something like this:
Every morning I woke up and did a work out routine which involved plenty of upper and core strength exercises. I then groomed my body to the best of my abilities and changed my underwear and socks. I then and went into town. I did some odd jobs for the local vendors, before heading towards the town hall, at a half an hour till noon. I meet up with the group outside the town hall, before going inside and talking for two to four hours. We then wrap things up, I leave and return to my tent, and listen to the radio. I then go to bed and fall asleep. That’s it, It’s basic but it helps keep my mind on the present day, instead of slipping backwards.
The daily sit downs at the town hall, I have noticed can go on for more than four hours from time to time. I don’t mind it, it feels good to talk, keeps my mind jogging instead of getting bogged down. During my lectures, if you can call them that, the Kirin usually interject with questions, of which I’m more than happy to answer. Thankfully for my sanity, each day that passes the crowd of Kirin listeners grows by two or three, maybe even five. It helps to know that my words of wisdom aren’t falling on the same ears everyday, it actually feels pretty good watching the Kirin numbers slowly grow. Feels like I’m accomplishing something. It’s also good to know that the topics I speak of are captivating enough that they ask questions. These Kirin really like to ask questions and over the week after my first, official friendly encounter with them at the market, I've heard plenty...
But, as I said, life was never really on my side, for every good couple things I do, life somehow finds a way to kick me back a few pegs
The topics I had been discussing lately, as in the past four days, had been western civilization, americanism, libertarianism, separation of powers, Earth religions, and bureaucracy. Of course these general topics usually break down into a dozen and half questions that lead to another dozen or so by the end of our talking time, which I honestly didn’t mind. I mean, we could have been talking about the fifth amendment for example and then I'd trail off and start talking about roast beef sandwiches. And while the correlation may have been lost on some people to me, it all made sense that the fifth amendment would lead to roast beef of all things. Then as the conversation came to a close I’ll have forgotten what the question was or what we were talking about before, leaving me dazed and confused.
On the inside of course, I didn't need the Kirin worrying about me, but I knew they could see something was wrong when after talking I just stared off into the distance while my mind drew blanks. I stare off into nothing, my eyes don't track anything, they don’t even focus on anything, I just stare off and try to collect my thoughts, which is like trying to pick up a spilled bag of rice, one piece at a time. It wouldn't last for long however as I'd usually feel a hoof on my arm that pokes and shoves me awake, and it would be Autumn every time.
I'd give her a smile and I'd go back to talking, only for our session to end a couple hours later, and for me to walk back to my camp, sit down on my rock, listen to music, and cry. I’ve been doing that a lot recently too. Crying. It’s the only way I can let my frustration out anymore.
I don’t meditate like I used to, or read the bible, mostly because I forget that those are options while I sit there feeling sorry for myself. I try not to cry for long, letting the music distract me long enough to put me in a semi good mood, instead of letting myself slip further down the rabbit hole. Of course, that's the kind of mental breakdown I've been trying to avoid. Through working out, doing jobs, and talking this past week, and the two before that, I've managed to stave off the issue of my mental health well enough that I felt I could handle it myself. However, this past week, it's become rather hard to hide what's going on inside my mind. All the stuff I'd talk about at the town hall was mostly a front to how I felt about my current situation, of me being stuck here on an alien world. But I'd always try to steer far enough away from myself and my feelings, so that the Kirin wouldn't catch on to my mental degradation. I didn't want their help, I could do it myself.
But it was getting harder and harder each day, and it had finally reached the point that, I didn't think it was working anymore.
+=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+
I woke up this morning with a gun against my head again. In frustration I tossed my magnum pistol across the tent, only for it to fly out the tent flap and land outside. But for once I didn’t care about that, in fact I didn’t even see it leave the tent, my eyes were closed tightly as tears fell from their ducts. I had that dream again.
The same dream I’ve had for the past month. I’m trapped in an endless looping corridor running for my life as a figure stalks me, and taunts me from behind. No matter how fast I ran I couldn't escape him, or the hallway. Eventually I'd confront him, and he speaks down to me, like I’m worthless to him. He'd say that he’s me, and that he’s ashamed of me. He'd say that I’ve lost what makes me whole, I’ve lost a nation to go home to, a family to live for, and ideals to die for. He tells me that everything I've done has been for nothing, and that nothing is what it will remain as long as I lived. The creature would go on to say that no matter what I'd do I wouldn't be able to forgive my government for what they did. And that I'd never be able to go home. I'd spit back at him and yell as hard as I can to try and force him out of my mind, but nothing works.
He then tells me to kill myself, telling me to quote, end the madness, saying that all my troubles will fade away. He says I’ll be able to go home, see my family, my friends, my house, and home town. He yells at me that this equine world is just a bad dream and that I need to wake up, or I’ll be lost to it forever. And by the time the dream reaches that point, I usually wake up with a weapon against my head or neck. Most of the time I just wipe the sweat from my brow and put the weapon away, reassuring myself that I would never be able to actually go through with it, and then I'd carry on with my day. And up until today I knew I never would.
But today… was different.
For some reason I broke down into a crying mess, shoving my face into my sleeping bag fabric as tears came gushing from my eyes. I couldn’t stop the tears, and I didn’t want them to stop. Since I was alone I had the chance to actually cry my heart out, so I didn’t care that I couldn’t stop the tears. It felt so good to just cry, and yet at the same time it hurt. It hurt me on a much different level, not physically, but mentally.
Marines don’t cry, and I was a marine… So maybe the dream is right, I’m not who I was before… Maybe the old me really is gone… And that all this crying and feeling sorry for myself is the reason I can’t go home.
“Adrian?” A voice called out to me from beyond the tent flap. My eyes open up fully as I hastily try and dry my tears as I respond to the call, while trying to mask the fact I was just crying.
“Uh, w-who’s there? Autumn? Is that you?” I asked while attempting to clean my face up from the snot and tears that had befallen me.
“No. It’s Rain Shine. Adrian I think we need to have a talk,” The voice came.
I froze up for a moment as my heart sank fast into my stomach, as things around me got quiet real fast. What did she want to talk about? Did I do something wrong? I finish cleaning myself up and throw on my BDU shirt as fast as I could, before exiting the tent, crawling out into the morning sun. There standing in front of my tent was indeed Rain Shine, she had a look of melancholy on her face. I also take notice of my side arm that lays on its side resting in the dirt in front of her, inches from her hoof, as if it landed there, right as she got here. I glanced down at it, then back up to her with an embarrassed smile. I would kneel down and pick it up.
“Uh, hey Rain Shine, you’re usually not up this early. How uhm… How can I help you?” I say holstering the pistol on my drop leg holster. Rain Shine would sigh and approach closer.
“Yes, that is correct. I am usually asleep during this early hour any other day but, a situation has presented itself that I feel I need to address, and maybe even remedy,” She would say looking over her shoulder off into the woods.
“Oh? And uh, what’s that?” I say straightening out my uniform while kneeling. She would turn back to me with a look of woe in her eyes. What she was trying to say was hard to voice, I could tell by how she swallowed before she spoke again.
“The reason I’m awake is because of a troubling report Autumn gave me yesterday in the late evening. A report troubling you…” She said as she watched me stand up. I looked to her with my puffy, bloodshot eyes, while my heart sank even further.
“Oh… and, what might that report be about?” I asked, already knowing what kind of hole I had dug myself into by asking that. Rain Shine took a heavy sigh as she spoke, attempting to calm down her tone of voice even further than before.
“Adrian… I know you know what I’m talking about. Please don’t try to claim ignorance,” She said as I glanced back at my tent for a moment.
“Seriously, I… Don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m fine, I don’t need any help,” I say in return as if to deflect her attempts to break into my mind.
“I never said anything about you needing help,” She would respond quickly as I gritted my teeth beneath my lips. I turned back to her and stared into her eyes, my brows now falling slightly. Was she really trying to open up this bag of worms with me?
“Please, you can’t help me Rain Shine. I don’t need any help. I can help myself just fine on my own,” I said as I turned back to my tent, trying to brush her away by trying to get ready. She took a step closer and spoke again with persistence.
“Adrian. As far as I’m concerned you are a part of my village now. You’ve worked, and talked, and lived with us for quite some time to the point where I view you as one of my own, and I wouldn't be doing my job as this villages elder if I let one of my own hurt themselves,” Hearing those words I spun around in anger and spoke out with a vicious tone of voice.
“Well MAYBE, I don’t WANT to be one your OWN!” I voiced loudly, taking a step towards her attempting to cut off this conversation as quickly as possible.
I wasn’t thinking straight, I just wanted her to go away and let me deal with my problems myself, I didn’t need help, especially not from her. I stared into her eyes, my anger flaring up while my chest seethed with rage. But as I got closer however, she didn’t recoil away from me, like I thought she would. She stood her ground and only turned her head slightly as if she knew I was going to do that. But when I really looked at her, as my anger quickly collapsed in on itself, I could tell that she wasn’t moved by my fit of anger, unlike the other Kirin who might have hid from me or run away. It was because of this steadfastness from her that I was able to calm down quickly.
Rain Shine, I had always felt was different from the other Kirin here, she wasn't like them in many ways, and I could tell. She had a presence about here that I couldn't really understand, but what I did understand was that she was much stronger than her subjects, and I don't mean physically. I hadn't been around her much, but every time I was near her, or we exchanged some dialog, I could tell she didn't scare easy...
“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that…” I said as I stepped back from her. I looked away from her in shame as she nodded her head in understanding.
“I know you didn’t Adrian. But, that is what I wanted to talk to you about. You've been very brave this past month, and have done a very good job hiding your problems from us. And for that you have my utmost respect. But lately it’s become clear to Autumn and her friends, that something is very wrong with you,” She said in an understanding tone. I would close my eyes and nod my head.
“Y-yeah… You’re correct. Something isn’t right,” I said as I shift my body to look away from her even more. I really didn’t feel comfortable talking about this sort of stuff out in the open, in fact I didn’t like talking about this stuff at all. Not with myself, especially not with others, and especially not with others that don’t understand my troubles. But it would be what Rain Shine said next, that would shatter my selfish behavior.
“From what I’ve heard. You’re dealing with a moderate to severe case of schizophrenia, and possibly even other military related mental illnesses that could have stemmed from the time you spent serving your country back on Earth,” She said as she took a step towards me. My eyes would open up wide as I'd slowly turn around back to her. I had never heard a Kirin say such things before, not even from Autumn, and she's the smartest one I knew.
“W-What? How do you know what those things are? A-And how do you know I’m suffering from schizophrenia? How could you even gauge what those things are for someone like me?” I questioned her quickly as she came closer still so that her height and my height were roughly the same and that now, we didn’t need to speak too loudly in the open.
“I think you might have already guessed, or assumed that I have a bit more experience than most Kirin here in Perilous Peaks. And while this may be true, it goes way beyond what you might think,” As she spoke I had remembered back to the first time we met. She correctly guessed that I was a soldier of some sorts, and that I was stationed out of a base, or a fort to be exact. At the time I did think was a bit strange but I never really asked further into it.
“The truth of the matter is I have indeed in the past, dealt with soldiers before,” She stood back slightly and I was quick to respond to what she said.
“What? W-... How!? How have you dealt with soldiers before?” I say now looking at her in disbelief. Not because she was more interesting than I first thought, but that maybe she could possibly, even for a small amount of time, help me.
“That, I don’t believe I am at liberty to say at the moment, nor do I think it is important at this time,” I cut her off.
“Well it’s important to me!” I said I said pointing to my chest with both my hands.
“As I said, it’s not important, now. One day, and one day hopefully soon, we’ll talk about it,” She said as I rolled my eyes and sighed.
“Maybe a day very soon?” I ask.
“Yes… Very soon indeed. But until that day comes, I feel obligated like I said before, to help you. You’ve done a lot for us, and I think it’s time I, for the sake of the village give something back to you,” A hoof would rise up to my shoulder as she looked into my eyes with a more stern look on her face, “please, I insist,” I looked into those eyes, with mine almost as if searching for an excuse as to not accept her help. I stared, my mouth slightly agape with no words leaving them. I wanted to say no, I wanted her to go away and let me deal with my problems on my own.
I knew deep down I could fix my issues myself. I knew I could fix my mind, and get it working the way it should be again. I knew I could mend the problem spots of my past life and rekindle my sanity.
But as I thought about this... the concept of me being able to do it alone just wasn't feasible. I couldn’t do it alone. I’m not like some super man or a video game character that can take on endless hordes of bad guys and just say, oh well when the fighting is done. I’m not a one man army, I’m not perfect. I can’t fight this battle alone or at least, I can’t do it alone anymore.
So as I closed my eyes and nodded my head agreeing to accept her help, she came to my side and beckoned me with a sway of her head.
The town hall of the Kirin village, if you could call it that, is one of the largest structures they have. It’s a massive, down right epic tree with a fat base and mid section, that stretches high up into the sky, towering above the other buildings around it. It’s treetop has vines that descend downwards towards the ground, and other vines that wrap around the tree itself like strips on a candy cane. It also has wooden wind chimes that hang off of many different branches at different elevations that jingle and sound softly in the passing breeze. All of them are way high up into the air so that they constantly pick up any stray breeze that passes by so that they may sing all the time. Below the hanging vines and wind chimes, beneath the branches that extend up into the treetop, are windows. The windows have red wooden shutters that hang from either side of them, they seemed old and could definitely use another coat of paint, as they look more pink than red. In fact I thought they were pink, up until I asked Autumn about them and she corrected me. Beneath each of the windows are what look like oriental Japanese lanterns, one lantern for each window. They hang there suspended by string, held in place by a golden pin just beneath the glass. I haven’t seen the lanterns lit up before, I wonder why not.
Beneath the windows is more tree up until it reaches the ground. The base of the tree is the widest section, the roots of the beast spreading far across the ground. Each of the roots are overgrown by grass and flowers making this tree look very old indeed, as if it had been here for thousands of years. Around the whole circumference of the tree's base, minus the roots, is a cobblestone wall. This wall has spaces for the roots to exit out of and it’s just tall enough to come up to my waist. This wall has also been here for a very long time, moss and other overgrowth had taken home in the spaces between the rocks used to build the wall.
The whole tree seems like it's been here for ages. It stands as if it were the first one to have grown in this forest, making it the grandfather of all the life in this valley. It’s seeds long fallen off its branches to make new trees beside it, allowing the forest to grow and expand forward from its roots. Who knows how long it’s been since this forest was first born, how long it lay in peace and quiet with the squirrels and rabbits, and how long the Kirin have made their homes here.
A fountain out in front of the tree marks the start of the courtyard. It’s a very basic structure in its design. It’s a pond with a stone wall surrounding it with lily pads inside it, a small group of koi swim close to the surface most of the time. I’ve noticed them actually playing with the lily pads from time to time, which gave me a good laugh once I noticed it. In the center of it a chiseled pillar stands tall and proud that dribbles water out of its top, moss and dirt stains the base of it. The pillar is chiseled into the shape of what looks like a dragon curled up into an upward facing “S.” The water flows from its mouth making a soothing trickling noise as it enters the water, accenting the sound of the wind chimes nicely. As the water flows down the dragon's body, the skales of the stone figure shine like a rainbow, even if the sun isn’t shining directly on the glistening water. The rainbow colors that shine from the dragon actually aren’t really a rainbow to begin with. A normal rainbow has all the colors of the spectrum, this one however only has red, yellow, and white. It’s quite strange to see light defying the laws of physics like this but, it’s probably magic. In fact the whole fountain is probably magically operated, thus the rainbow and plus, I don’t see any electrical wires or hear any humming of mortars while the fountain works day and night.
The dragon's eyes in the fountain are cyan colored gems, which also seem to glow despite the sun not shining on them all the time. Again, it is strange but, i’ve just chalked it up to be magic at work. What kind of magic it is however, I'll probably never know for sure.
I’ve asked Fern Flare about the fountain a while back, as she’s the one who likes to research folklore and history. She told me that as far as she knows, the fountain has always been here, it was here long before she was around, and it was here long before her parents were around. She said she really only ever looked into the history of it once. The reason she did this was because the one time she did, she couldn’t find anything in their library about it. She visited Rain Shine at the town hall and asked her about it after coming up short. Rain Shine said that it was something called a... Kapuseru, which apparently is their ancient way of saying the word capsule. When I heard the way Fern Flare pronounced that word, a couple gears in my head started turning. Her pronunciation of the word sounded Japanese, which after putting a couple pieces of the puzzle together, made perfect sense. Of course it was a Japanese word, I mean, the lanterns, the windchimes, the koi, the dragon. I had noticed before that these Kirin seemed very centered around a specific culture. A culture from my world, yet I just couldn’t put my finger on it at the time. But after learning that their accent language is of Asain descent I finally put two and two together.
The Kirin are Japanese, or of Japanese origin. And once I started seeing things in that light, lots of other things started making sense. The trees of the houses they lived in, though they were much bigger than their original counterparts, looked like Bonsai trees. Their market, and how they draped their stall roof tarps seemed very close to old ancient Japanese techniques, even the sign into the market looked as if it were built in the same way. The foot bridges too. Everything was designed to emulate a very Japanese feel. Are Kirin the Japanese version of unicorns from Earth? Honestly it seems so.
But with that in mind, the area surrounding the fountain in front of the town hall was laid out with cobblestone. The stone work was old as grass could be seen reaching through the path, each blade trying to get as much light as they could so that they might live another day being crushed by the overbearing weight of the rocks. This was the only place in the whole village that had stone pathing, everywhere else was dirt. It almost seemed out of place yet, at the same time, it made the town hall seem a bit more important than the other houses, which I guess is a good thing, even if it isn’t used to the best of it’s abilities. The actual entrance of the town hall has a small staircase of stone leading up to it.
Two large heavy red doors seal the insides of the building from the outside world. Each door has a massive silver and gold encrusted clacker fastened to the outside, that most Kirin use as a door handle with their magic. I do the same with my hands but every time I grab a hold of the handles I feel this heat coming from them, it’s a strange feeling as no matter how cold it is in the evening, the handles are always warm, bordering on hot. I choose not to say anything for fear of no other Kirin knowing why the handles are always hot. The doors on the outside also have something carved into them, symbols that are different on either door. For the past week I couldn’t see what those things were, as I didn’t know what I was looking for, and I again, never asked. But now with the Japanese undertones in full blast I could tell that it was Japanese calligraphy. The left door had a symbol written out in black that looked like, “蛇” and the right door had symbols written in white that looked like, “国家.” I asked Fern Flare about these symbols as nowhere else in the village were these symbols written. She once again had already done research about them, had come up short, and had gone to Rain Shine about them. But this is where it got interesting. Even Rain Shine didn’t know what the symbols meant. She said this was surprising to Rain Shine, as if she had reminded her of their existence. I thanked Fern Flare for her help and she went on her way.
Of course all of this wandering thought was sauntering through my mind a few days ago. Now though? This morning? I wasn’t thinking about the town hall in that way. I was thinking about it in a very, very different light. For once in the past couple weeks I didn’t want to go to the village. I wanted to stay in my tent, I wanted to hide away from the morning sun and just be left alone till I could get my mind back out of the gutter. Everything in my body was telling me to turn back and just stay at my campsite, so I could just be left alone with my thoughts. But at the same time, something else was forcing me to follow Rain Shine through the empty morning streets of her village towards town hall. Maybe it was the promise of someone that I could really talk to about myself, and not just my ideals? Maybe it was, just the way she talked and called my name? Maybe it was her tone of voice? Maybe it was me just seeing her again since the first time we met? Maybe it was the promise of tea?
I don’t know, but whatever it was, it was driving me towards her. And as much as I hated it, I needed it. I can’t fight this fight alone. I’ve come to terms with that. But even if she really can’t help me, it’ll be nice to talk to someone about, me… instead of well… me.
+=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+
The sun was just barely coming up over the mountains when we entered the main room of the town hall. The doors creaked open inwards and revealed a thankfully empty chamber with just a few rays of sunshine peeking through the windows on the walls, giving the room some light but not enough light so that room was completely lit. The ground was built from stone that had been flattened long ago, creating a perfectly level walking surface devoid of jutting rocks that could easily cause someone to trip if they weren’t paying attention. A long red velvet carpet with gold trimmings, stretched from the main entrance, all the way to an elevated throne at the back of the room. On either side of us, were pillars made of wood that lined the carpet path towards the throne, all with lanterns hanging from them. As we passed through the threshold of the door frame, and the doors behind us closed, Rain Shines horn ignited, as all the lanterns that hung from the pillars were illuminated by magical fire, that glowed a pleasing bright yellow light. Each lantern that she and I passed as we moved further into the throne room would ignite, slowly but surely lighting up the entire room, whilst creating a pleasingly warm atmosphere.
It must be September now, because this morning was quite cold when I got up which makes the throne room even more pleasing to be in now more than ever.
I had never seen the lanterns in here lit before in this manner, in fact I had never seen the lanterns lit at all. Every time I’ve come in here, they were already lit and had been lit for quite some time. I had also never seen the throne room this empty before, I usually only see it when it's filled wall to wall with the Kirin who come to listen to me speak every afternoon. And it really is wall to wall packed at noon everyday, I usually need to sidestep myself through a crowd of them in order to get to my speaking post before I can begin my talk. The sound of the Kirin crowd was something I had grown used to hearing upon setting foot in here. But since it was early, there was no crowd. In fact the only sounds I hear now are my boots and Rain Shines hooves echoing briefly against the walls of the chamber. The only other noise I hear besides us are the whooshing noises of the fires being lit in the lanterns.
Quickly we would pass a set of pillars that would reveal the left and right corridors on either side of us. The hall to the left would lead to a room behind a closed locked door. I had always wanted to ask Rain Shine what was behind that door before today, but she was never around for me to ask. And as much as I wanted to ask now, if I was being honest I really didn’t care, my mind wasn’t exactly in the right place at the moment. To the right, would reveal a sort of conference hall room with bench upon bench lined up before a podium. This was the hall I had been speaking at for the past week. I would stand behind that podium and speak loudly and clearly to the Kirin that would pile onto the benches, down the center aisle of the room. It was quite humbling to see new faces each day I talked, it really does help my conscience knowing that the Kirin care enough to spread the word of my teachings so that others decide to show up. Well, I wouldn’t really call my lectures… teachings, at least not yet. For right now, they’re just a free public service from me to them.
We would pass the twin halls and would come before Rain Shines throne chair. It was elevated atop a stone slab with a short flight of stairs leading to it. The chair sat in the center of this elevated slab, on either side of the chair were lanterns that were quickly lit by Rain Shines magic. To The far left I could see a door that probably led to Rain Shines personal room bedroom or living space, behind this throne room. But this door didn’t hold my attention for long, because the throne itself pulled my eyes back towards it, almost like inquisitive magnets. The chair itself seemed out of place despite it looking like it had been here for eons. I would stop and admire the chair right before the stairs as Rain Shine continued past me up the small flight. This was the first time I had really taken a look at it, and my god it was beautiful.
The chair looked as if it were made entirely out of gold. It’s legs, arm rests, and back were engraved with such care and intricacy that it must have taken years just to get it looking perfect. Everything down to the finest detail must have been slaved over by who knows how many artists for the longest of times. It was truly a work of art that only the finest and most skilled craftsmen of it’s generation were probably allowed near it, and all those that were unworthy not even allowed to lay their eyes on it. But this is what made it look out of place. It was that fact that it was entirely made from gold and crafted in such an epic way. Minus the actual seat which looked to be made out of the same cloth that the carpet was made from, everything was polished, detailed, and made from pure gold that shines brilliantly in the light of the lanterns around it. The way it shinned looked as if it held magical properties itself, much like the dragon statue outside, but it was probably just the lighting. I could have compared it to something I’ve seen back on Earth but, there was nothing to compare it to. It was just simply breathtaking.
I felt absolutely mesmerized by its presence, and only when I heard my name being called by someone did I allow myself to be distracted away from its beauty.
“Adrian,” I heard the voice say. I turn to it and I see Rain Shine standing next to the chair, near the door to the room behind it. Her body and face was lit up by the lanterns on the wall, “Something catch your eye?” She asks, turning to face me. I would point with a limp arm to the throne chair.
“Uh… Yeah you could say that, this chair is beautiful. Where is it from?” I ask her. She turns her head to the throne and smiles. She would speak while approaching it.
“What makes you think it’s from somewhere else?” She responded, casting a gaze to me as she approached it.
“Well, it just seems out of place is all,” I would say to her, and in return she would turn her head to face me more, her gaze becoming puzzled.
“And why do you think that Adrian?” She asks, her head cocking to one side as she strode slowly to the chair. I think I’m offending her. I cleared my throat and tried to back tack momentarily.
“Oh, uh… I’m sorry I didn’t mean anything by it, but it just feels like it doesn’t belong here. Not saying it shouldn’t belong here, I’m just saying that this chair is so radiantly beautiful that its surroundings pale in comparison. This chair gives off such commanding presence that would be better off surrounded by marbled halls, and colored paned windows,” Saying this I could tell I said something that struck home to her. Her gaze left my eyes and her head turned back for a moment, her eyes looking over her shoulder as if remembering something just for a second. She did this quickly before turning back to me and speaking.
“Well… yes, you are correct, and there is no need for an apology. This chair has been around for centuries and has seen many different throne rooms. But how it came to be here is complicated,” She would put her hoof on the left arm of the chair before looking down at me with a smile. “One day I will tell you why, but today is not that day, and it probably won’t be tomorrow either for it is a long story,” I would nod my head in understanding. After all this is her throne, and if she wishes not to talk about it, then so be it.
I would walk forth up the stairs getting closer to the chair, the details of it’s construction becoming more vibrant with each step. I reached the top of the stairs and took a few more steps to reach the chair, getting closer to it, and Rain Shine. When I stopped her red eyes were now equal in height with mine as I recall that look of remembrance she gave off just moments ago. I would let loose a single laugh before I spoke.
“Pardon my words again but, I believe you have many secrets, or at the least you have a long past that stretches far beyond what I could comprehend in one day,” I would say, laying my hand on the right arm of the throne chair, directly across from her hoof. She would raise a brow onto her forehead as she yet again banked her head to one side.
“What makes you assume this Adrian? Because if that were the case you and I would be a lot more alike than you might think. And could it possibly be that maybe my history is not long, but, eventful?” She says with an objective tone of voice. I would nod my head and think for a moment before responding.
“Well, only you would know. You could have a long history, or a short one. It could be filled with fantastical adventures, or not. I truly have no idea, but I would like to know, I would especially like to know how you have experience with soldiers,” I would say, now leaning on my hand, trying to coax more information out of her.
For some reason I really wanted to know where this chair came from. It was as if something was forcing me to edge on further, and keep the topic in the past. But saying what I did, Rain Shine smiled again. She let out a similar laugh that I gave off just moments ago.
“All in good time Adrian, all in good time. And right now is not the time. I would like to focus on you. You accepted my help and I will deliver what I promised you. Somepony to talk to,” She took her hoof off the chair, and turned back around towards the door into the next room. “Please, follow me,” She asked kindly. I raised a brow as I too removed my hand from the throne. I came beside her and I followed her yet again.
“Normally if I were to discuss anything else I would do it here in the main throne chamber. But this I feel, is something that needs to be discussed in greater, more private detail, don’t you?” I would think for a moment.
“Well I mean, I don’t really want you to go out of your way for me. This wasn’t my intention,” Her head would turn over towards me with another gingerly smile.
“Oh Adrian please it’s my pleasure. Autumn did mention you are the type to cast blame towards yourself at any sign of inconvenience. Trust me, I will go as far as I must for you,” She says as we grow closer to the door.
“I see. But, may I ask why?” I questioned her in response. She would look to the door with her smile.
“Because. As I said, I feel you are one of my own now. You’ve lived here long enough and done more than your fair share of duties without beings asked to do so. Not to mention you’ve got a very handsome way with words. Your talks have done more than just educate Autumn on her way to better understanding her place as a public official. They have given the Kirin here something new to do and listen to. And trust me, I have heard the many things you have talked about ranging from the obvious, to the most obscure. And if all what you say is true and as unbiased as you say you are. Then your world is a place to behold,” She would pause for a moment as we reached the door to the room behind the throne room. I stood in front of it, and she stood beside it. “And whether you accept the invitation or not is up to you. But, the moment you stepped foot here in Parlous Peaks. You were family,” She would then use her magic to open the door inwards so that I may enter. I would think for a moment, thinking about what she just said.
“Family. Heh… Thanks,” Is all I said while I gave her a look of appreciation before I walked into the backroom.
And as I did this, the chair faded from my mind, as if something had, pulled me away from it.
Maybe it was Rain Shines kind words of encouragement. Or maybe just… One word of hers that stuck with me.
We entered Rain Shines personal living space a few minutes ago. Of course, this being the bedroom and personal quarters of this village's leader, I expected the decor in here to match the rest of the building. This however, was not the case. Compared to the throne room, and the rest of the town hall, this room was rather mundane. It was almost depressing if I hadn’t known she could do much better than this. The room had a bed made for one, in the far right corner. It was constructed out of wood, in a very simplistic manner. There was a window on the left wall that overlooked a small garden beneath this massive tree. It was complemented by a pull over green curtain that was opened to the left of the window.
Two wooden chairs and a table were present in front of the window sill, again these pieces of furniture were also constructed in a very simple way, with barely any carvings or engravings on them. Light from the morning sun outside lit up the place casting everything in a golden glow, illuminating every inch of space that it could reach. However this task was easily done because this room was smaller than expected, compared to the rest of the building. In the bottom right corner of the room was a dresser, again made from simple wooden construction. A mirror was present on top of it that seemed to glow in the morning sun. Beneath the mirror were a series of small trinkets that varied in size. I couldn’t make out what they were when I first walked in, and it would be quite rude of me to get up and see what they were now.
Because when I entered her room, Rain Shine told me to sit at the table near the window. I complied with this request, and sat down in the pony sized chair, listening painfully as it creaked. I watched with curious eyes as my host prepared a kettle of tea. While I had seen Autumn prepare tea before, it was still an interesting spectacle to behold as I witnessed kirin magic in all its glory. Everything they needed to prepare this tea was done with their horns. This included the heating of the water, the distalization of the tea leaves, and the pouring of the tea into teacups. Within only a few minutes from start to finish, Rain Shine had hot tea in front of me in no time. It was truly an interesting sight to behold, watching the objects float around her as she worked. I followed my cup and dish as it was lowered down into my awaiting hands as she approached me and the table while carrying the kettle, and a cup for her as well.
“Thank you. I appreciate it,” I said with a nod and grin. She would nod back.
“Of course Adrian. It’s my pleasure, I’m just glad you’re here to begin with,” She said as she took her seat in front of me while the kettle landed on the table between the two of us.
We would both just sit there in our chairs for a long while, quietly sipping the hot tea that Rain Shine had called Sencha, as the morning sun continued to bask us in it’s glow. I could hear song birds outside the window next to me, chirping and singing songs whilst we sat in silence. I had heard these same birds singing every day while at my campsite, their songs so sweet to hear, so varied and complex to listen to. But hearing them from inside a quiet room, enjoying a warm beverage, and not having to go into town to work for my meal, really helped get my mind at ease. I was actually at peace for once, and I felt good. It was like my thoughts were cleansed by the hot water and flavor of this Sencha tea. The last time I had felt this emotionally and physically still, was the last time I meditated. I thought for a moment that I should really get back into doing that, as I knew it was good for me, I just didn’t have the willpower to do it in the past two weeks. It’s good for everyone to find their inner peace, especially if your brain is as scattered and broken as Rain Shine thinks mine is. But despite it’s status I could still function like a normal person, or at least that’s what I’d like to tell myself.
If it was really functioning properly I wouldn’t be here. I would be back at my campsite sleeping through the morning as if nothing was wrong in the world, as if nothing was wrong with me. I hated that. I hate the fact that I have doubts about myself, that I feel like something is wrong. And while I am enjoying the silent company and the gentle eyed gazes of Rain Shine, I still hate the fact that I agreed to this. The whole thing was humiliating. I felt as if my pride was at risk of being compromised here, as if I opened up too much to her, or the other Kirin. Or like I had unlocked too many barricaded rooms for them and her specifically to wander into unprotected. I’m supposed to have the heart and soul of a warrior, the face of a stone cold killer, and a presence that could shatter armies as soon as I stepped onto the battlefield. I’m a United States Marine, and marines don’t open up so easily to talk about feelings and emotional shit. It’s our job to be strong. It’s our purpose to stay mentally fortified.
But if that’s the case, then why was I doubting myself? Why did I need to constantly reassure myself that I am a marine? That I’m strong? That I don’t need help? Maybe it really is my pride that’s at fault. Or maybe it’s something much deeper than that.
“Alright… Where should we start?” Rain Shines soft voice spoke up after much time had passed. It was time to get this over with. A long and exasperated sigh passed through my lips as I placed down my tea cup.
“I don’t really know... to be quite honest, I’m split right down the middle here Rain Shine. I’m still not sure I really want to go through with this in the first place. I still stand firm in my belief that I can deal with this on my own. But at the same time if that was truly the case, I would have shoved you off back at my campsite and we wouldn’t be here talking about this. And even before that, before you even knew something was wrong, I would have dealt with it. Yet, here I am,” I stated to her as I peared across the space between us into her golden sun accented cherry red eyes.
“I see. I understand your persistence, nobody wants to admit there is something wrong with them. As much as I would have loved for this to be straight forward, that issue still stands. The issue of accepting the fact that something is wrong. Would you call that an issue you have Adrian?” She said before taking a sip from her cup. I would think for a few moments while looking down and watching steam evaporate from my cup. I remembered all those phantom figures I saw lurking in the shadows, all the nightmares I’ve had, and the countless tears I’ve shed. But then at the same time I remembered all the conversations and tasks that I’ve completed in the recent past, seeing how I still possess the ability to work and talk just fine.
“Yes… And no. It’s complicated,” I would say, also taking a sip from my own cup letting the sweet yet bitter flavored water down my throat.
“How come?” She would ask, placing her cup and plate onto the table. I would again think for a moment, trying to find a way to explain myself.
“On one end. I’m a marine. And as a marine I am known for, and expected to do, many things. Some of those things are to fight even if I know there is nothing left to fight for. Adapt and overcome any obstacles in my way so that the corps comes out on top. And lead a charge against insurmountable odds, even if I’m the only one charging. It’s my duty to stay as stone faced as possible. We were trained to not show weakness in the face of great adversity. We are taught to be heartless to our enemies at all times,” I would say, turning away from her eyes to recount the many times in the past that I had to do just that. At Black Mesa, and before.
“And… on the other end?” Rain Shine would ask, tilting her head trying to push the conversation on. I would shift my focus to her again, placing my hands together as I talked.
“And… On the other end, I’m only human. I’m only one guy. I can’t fight every battle on my own. I can’t stave off the horrors of war by myself. There are just too many punches that this facet of life can hit you with, until you're broken, bloodied, and begging for mercy. It just becomes overbearing, knowing how you're supposed to function and not being able to do it, it’s a slap in the face of everything you’ve trained for. But there is a silver lining for me, and others like me. It helped knowing that you're only one man in a sea of others, knowing that your pain and suffering was being felt by everyone. It was to let you know you weren’t alone. But now that I’m all by myself with only my memories to keep me company, I have nobody else to talk to, nobody to really let out all this suffering on. I am now truly the only man left standing, the only man that can fully understand my struggles. I am no longer in a sea of my peers, I’m marooned on an island with no way to contact the outside world,” I would go silent as I let what I said fester in Rain Shines mind, my mannerisms going limp as I stared at the fluff on Rain shines chest, absentmindedly.
“Well, I for one think there is nothing wrong with being both,” My head turned back up to her after hearing what she said. Her words played over again and again as I pondered for a moment. It sounded so obvious that it felt like I already knew that. I would then turn my head to look out the window, my eyes watching as the wind blew the branches of the trees around us. I’d then quickly look back to her with my eyes only.
“Well I… I know that, but what do you mean by that?” I asked bluntly.
“You were human before you joined the marine corps, right? A human that had likes and dislikes. A human that could cry whenever he wanted to. A human that could express himself no matter what, right?” She asked quickly in rapid succession . I turned my head back to her, gazing deeply into her eyes, while watching her lips move, trying to see deeper into what she was saying. Even though I knew where this was going.
“Well of course, I was myself for 18 years. Living with my Mom and Dad, going to school, and hanging out with friends,” I would say. She would nod, and take a sip from her tea cup.
“Why not embrace what made you human before you joined, while holding onto what makes you a… warrior,” Her tea cup would land again on her dish.
“Yeah I… I get that. If only it were that easy you know, but it’s not seeing as I can’t exactly embrace anything from my past physically, only mentally.” I would say in return, as my head began to look out the window again.
“You’re correct, if it were that easy you would have done it already, right? You have stated many times before that you could handle this problem on your own, right?” She asks, taking another sip from her tea, her eyes never leaving me.
“Yes I did,” I’d say, my eyes flicking to her brow raised, as I listened to her word gears turning from her lips.
“And yet, you accepted my offer for somepony to talk to. For somepony to just listen to and get advice from,” She asks once more, her eyebrow lifting up slightly in response to my own.
“Yes I did do that,”
“Which means, the part of you that wants to return to the simplicity of life before you joined the service is bigger than the part of you that wants you to stay in this constant state of self hatred. Because despite your inability to actually go home, you still see there are ways to embrace your pre-service years while still holding onto your post-service years. And this part of you knows you can do it through your memories. Would you say this is a valid statement?” She asks before she takes yet another sip of tea.
I would think about all of that for a moment. What she was saying made sense, but at the same time, I hated that she was making sense. This meant my doubts about her were wrong, and I had misjudged her abilities. Maybe she did understand the concepts a bit more than I first anticipated.
“Of course… This isn’t a bad thing, it just means that you want to be happy again. You want to forget about the horrific things you’ve done, by remembering the stuff you can forget about over time, either due to you abandoning your past or through memory loss. You wish to hold on to your pre-service days as long as you can because you know that in the end, you’ll never forget the things you did in war time. It’ll stick with you up until the very end. I know it will, because I know it’s hard to forget the things you’ve done while at war. Trust me, I do,” She said this as she leaned in a bit closer towards me, studying my eyes and facial expressions with her own. Up till this point I was trying to avoid making it obvious that I was enthralled by what she was saying. But now, that urge to remain stoic is gone. Because finally a single word got through my tough exterior.
“Forget…” That single word. It echoed from her and into my mind. Her voice saying that one word filled my capacity to think. I let my guard down, and now my brain had been truly compromised by her logic and words. But this wasn’t a bad thing, I could see that now. She was right, everything she said was one hundred percent correct. I did need help and I knew I needed help, but I just kept ignoring the obvious because I figured nobody could understand me, or that my training would keep me sane.
But now, not only did I find someone to really talk to, but I’ve seen the fact that I needed to forget. I needed to unload the past in front of me like a suitcase and attack each issue one by one. It was the only way I was going to be able to rid myself of my past and move on. I needed to forget. I needed to let it all go. I needed to let all the harbingers of my destruction out before they do serious damage to not only me, but someone else too.
“Forget… Rain Shine… There are so many things I want to forget. So many things I want to let go. I just don’t know where to start… I need help… serious fucking help.” At this point I slumped down onto the table, defeated by myself with the help of Rain Shine. My hands would collapse onto my head as I gripped onto my hair with an iron-like grasp, just to hold myself back from crying. I screamed at myself not to tear up in my head. I would freeze up, my whole body seething as I slammed my eyes shut as the things I needed to forget began flooding their way forth. Eager to escape. It felt like I was going to vomit or pass out or both at the same time. I just wanted to melt or burn up.
Then suddenly, I felt a gentle hoof land on my shoulder. It must have been filled with some kind of kirin magic because too because as it made contact with me, I suddenly felt different. I felt brave enough to look into Rain Shines eyes again. I felt like I could face her, even after wanting to reject her. With teary ducts and a scrunched up face I would look up, and really stare into her eyes this time, as if I was searching for the meaning of life itself, the morning sun now making them shine like I had never seen before. The expression on her face could have made my heart stop if it already wasn’t in pieces. Her expression reminded me of the look of a consoling mother, as she seemed ready for me to let loose.
“Then please. Speak to me Adrian,” Those final words of hers were the final push.
It was time to do what needed to be done. This was the right thing to do, I could see that now. No amount of pride was going to keep me from holding this back anymore. Nothing was going to keep me from getting what I needed to be happy and healthy. Especially now that I sat here in front of her, her gentle and careful way of speaking making me feel welcome in her home, as if I could really uncoil for her. She was being so kind to me, for literally no logical reason at all. It was probably because she thought she owed me something after all that I’ve done here when in fact, she didn’t owe me a thing. I had felt kindness like this only a few times before, and all of those times were before I joined the service. And once those memories came forth, so did the tears.
And now… Only now... Did I not care who saw me cry… Not even Rain Shine.
“So, I suppose we should probably get started, huh?” I said as I cleaned the tears from my eyes. I sniffled and I blinked a few times trying to get focused, the fuzziness getting cleaned from my eyes as quick as I could. Rain Shine nodded once as she gestured towards me.
“Well… if you’ve got more of that in you, you can go ahead and let it out now, if you want of course.” Rain Shine said with sincerity. I shook my head and cleared my throat a couple times, using my wrist to whip away the tears from my cheeks.
“No I, I think I’m good for now, you shouldn’t expect me to do that many more times, I’m still not really comfortable crying around others.” She nodded.
“I understand, your secret is safe with me.” I smiled and let out a single dry chuckle.
“Thanks, eh-hem… I mean, I wouldn’t have cried unless I felt safe, and I feel pretty safe here, and I have you to thank for that so, thank you.” Rain Shine smiled softly as she nodded again.
“Of course Adrian. As I said I’m here for you, just as you’ve been there for my Kirin. Speaking of which, I’d like to thank you now.” Hearing this I turned my head to the side in confusion.
“For what?” I asked as I leaned back a bit in my chair, my legs shifting a bit as I did so.
“Well for starters, helping around the market and the village this past week. While I obviously knew that eventually us Kirin and you yourself would connect and interact in a much grander way at some point, I never expected them to be so accepting of you hanging around the village for as long as you do this quickly. Not to mention your daily talks drawing in bigger and bigger crowds each day. I haven’t seen the Kirin crowd that many of themselves into such a small room to listen to somepony talk in, well let’s just say a long time. ” The smile on Rain Shines face got a bit bigger, as I too found myself smiling.
“Well, your village has lots of curious kirin in it. I’m actually surprised that I barely see any of them leave, given the extent of their wandering and yearning minds.” As I said this Rain Shines mouth opened slightly as she shifted her eyes to the right, out the window for a moment as, she displayed an expression that I could only describe as, brief and momentary panic, before she smiled again and looked back at me with her usually soft eyes.
“Yes well, they… they are a rather curious bunch and I must commend them for their inquisitive minds but, I think it’s time to talk about you. As much as I love talking about my Kirin, we aren’t here to talk about them.” I nodded slowly, my eyes awkwardly squinting as she changed the subject.
“Uh-... Yeah, you’re right. Enough stalling. I suppose we should start with the lesser of evils right? To sort of, soften the ice?” I asked her. She leaned back into her chair and nodded, not breaking eye contact with me.
“Yes, whatever you feel comfortable with, we can start on.” She reassured me. I let out a deep breath and leaned my head back into my shoulders, briefly looking up at the ceiling. I crossed my hands over themselves on my chest as I searched my fragmented mind for something to pick out. After a moment of looking for something and debating on whether I should start with it or not, I looked back down to her.
“Well… Let’s start with how… My nation abandoned me.” Rain Shines eyes flinched a bit as she heard what I said.
“How did your nation abandon you?” She asked, her head slightly banking to one side. I leaned my head forward a bit, my hands still close to my chest.
“Well. I’m sure you’re aware of the things I’ve done, right? I’m sure Autumn has shared with you the details of my last combat mission.” I asked, to which she frowned a bit, her ears lightly falling down slightly.
“Yes I have reviewed the notes Autumn had brought to me during your first, and second week of being here. I have reviewed everything she had told me, and recorded in her note book. And by last mission, I assume you are referring to the incident at the Black Mesa Research Facility?” She asked cautiously, I nodded in confirmation quietly as she talked again. “The incident in which you, and your… uh, c-company? Err…” Rain Shine quickly began looking around for something, I assumed she was looking for the notebook. I spoke up, correcting her.
“Battalion…” I said flatly, her left ear popped up and she nodded, her hoof limply pointing to me.
“Yes! battalion… You and your battalion of marines were deployed to this Research Facility to contain the incident and bring the incident under control.” I nodded and gestured for her to continue. “But you and your… platoon?” I nodded again, “You and your platoon were intercepted by enemy forces and were shot down before you could recieve your actual orders, which were to…” She paused for a moment, not because she forgot what came next, but because it was hard for her to say. Much like how it was hard for me to say what it was all those nights ago. She cleared her throat and spoke after a brief rest. “S-Silence the facility, and kill everyone associated with the project, and bring those responsible in for questioning.” Her ears were now folded back. I nodded my head once.
“Yeah, that’s the one. That was my last combat mission.” I took a deep breath and sighed… looking to the window again, I could see my tired eyes in the reflection of the glass as I remembered again. “We were sent there, to kill everyone, no questions asked, no exceptions made, all except for Doctor Gordan Freeman, who was supposed to be captured alive, and brought in for questioning as our command assumed he was the one responsible for the incident.” I explained dryly. Rain Shine shifted uncomfortably in her chair, but made herself taller in her sitting position, as to remain steadfast in her attempt to help me.
“That is… A very loathsome situation to be placed into. I know my sympathy may not go very far for you but, I am sorry that they used you like that.” I quickly spoke after she stopped, with anger in my voice, turning away from the window, my hands unfolding.
“It’s not that they used us… No no no, that’s not enough, they LIED to us, to get us on those Osprey. They kept out mission orders from us as they knew if they briefed us on the ground, we would have rioted and protested their commands!” I quickly voiced as my tone raised up in anger. Seeing Rain Shine shift slightly to my outburst, I calmed down, “Thanks for your sympathy I… I appreciate it but you know who you should be sorry for? The people we were sent in there to kill.” I Adjusted myself in my chair, leaning forward a bit, now staring at my tea cup, my hands in between my legs.
“Those poor people, they weren’t mad scientists or objectively bad individuals. They were men of science, some of the greatest in the country, hell maybe even in the world. They poured their hearts and souls into their work, risking their lives and billions of dollars on scientific endeavors that would have propelled humanity into a new era of understanding. And what do they get in return form their government after making just a single, mathematical or mechanical mistake during one of their experiments? Death. They receive death. They get betrayed by the entity they served, much like how we were tricked into thinking they were the bad guys.” I shook my head as I closed my eyes, remembering all the scientists I met along the way.
“And not even scientists too! Security Guards, maintenance workers, janitors, fucking… cooks and chiefs that worked in the cafeteria too! We were told to kill them all! What the fuck does a cook that flips burgers know about quantum displacement huh?! What the hell did they do to deserve that kind of fate?! It-...” I lowered my voice, “It just isn’t fair.” I looked up at Rain Shine who was watching with sympathy for me in her eyes. She nodded, before looking down at herself. I then spoke again, “My government abandoned me, they abandoned their people, and the core values it stands for when they sent us in there to kill those innocent people. Not to mention they quite literally left me behind physically, then… Then destroyed the WHOOOLE facility with a fucking nuclear warhead.” Rain Shines eyebrow cocked up.
“W-What’s a… new clear war head?” She asked as she tried to remember if she had heard that term before. I quickly informed her.
“It’s a bomb that’s so destructive it can practically harness the power of the sun for a brief time, and vaporize anything within it’s zone of influence, usually encompassing the area akin to major cities.” Rain Shines eyes lit up. Shocked.
“My gosh… That’s… terrible!” I nod my head.
“I know… they leave the ground irradiated and unusable. The radiation they give off can kill plant life and pollute water, and give living creatures like you and me posing and cancers that can kill you within months, or weeks.” Rain Shines eyes shrunk a bit into her skull.
“I… I honestly don’t know what to say. That, I don’t… I’m not even sure Kirin kind can produce spells that come even close to something as destructive as that…” I nod in acceptance.
“Yeah they… Are nothing like anything anyone can imagine. They’re terrifying.” I said looking out the window again, almost embarrassed to look at her. Then after a long pause went by, Rain Shine spoke up.
“Well… Maybe your government had no choice.” Time froze. My eyes slowly looked up to her as I saw her looking back to me, now making eye contact.
“What?” I ask, flabbergasted. She then reaffirms her statement.
“I said… Maybe your government had no choice. You said it yourself, those scientists were working on things that could make your world a much better place, right?” She asked with genuine curiosity.
“I did, I said that they were producing technologies that were going to propel humanity into the future.” I turned completely back to her now, wondering where she was going with this, still trying to understand what she meant.
“Well… From Autumn's notes, it sounded like they were working on teleportation technology. Something which I’m sure you know, is easy for us with our magic. This however is not the case for you and humanity. Teleportation is something extremely hard for your species because humans don’t have magic. Instead you utilise math and science to create your own means of breaking down the fabric of reality and reforming it in your own way, much like we do. I… am getting this right, correct? I’m getting most of this information from Autumn’s notes.” I shook my head confirming she was right. And thus she continued, “Oh good, good… So with that being said, the ability to teleport from point ‘A’, to point ‘B’, is something that the average human would want to get a hold of, or rather than the average human, rival nations. You said it yourself, the… U-United States of… America… I think that’s how you say that, it has enemies, right?” She asks, taking a sip from her tea cup. I sat there for a moment, asounteded at the way she was speaking. I was at a loss for words.
“Yes you’re right, we do.” Nodding Rain Shine put her cup down, it was empty. As she poured herself a new cup of tea, she spoke.
“Okay then. So… if this teleportation technology is as sensitive as I think it is, your country would want it to be safeguarded and kept under wraps as best as possible.” She stopped pouring and looked to me, for a response.
“Yes… you, you are correct in assuming that, but it wasn’t just the teleportation science that was at Black Mesa. Our country was being invaded by alien forces. Once the incident happened these creatures came flooding through the disaster and started killing innocent people all over the facility. I’m not entirely sure what their goals were but, they were taking out everyone.” Rain Shine lifted her head, and nodded.
“Right so, with all that in mind. The teleportation science, the invasion, the chaos from the incident, and finally you’re element to the chaos… Would it be reasonable to say that, your government, seeing no answer in sight, figured destroying the whole facility was the right thing to do, before things got out of hand?” She suggested. My eyes darted around trying to find an answer to counter her statement.
“Well I… I... It’s just that the nuclear option is such a drastic choice to have been chosen for the facility. And even before that, having us be sent in there to kill everyone to keep the knowledge of teleportation science a secret is just… just so…” I was at a loss for words, until surprisingly Rain Shine spoke up.
“Scummy?” I snapped my fingers and pointed at her.
“Yes! Exactly, It’s just a scummy thing to do to people that didn’t deserve that fate to begin with.”
“Yes you’re right. It is. And I can completely understand your reasonable reaction to their choice to do that. But as nation leaders, they are the ones that need to make the bigger decisions for the whole of the country. They are the ones that need to decide on how to project the greater good-” I quickly interject.
“Oh come on Rain Shine, the greater good? How could they possibly know whether or not the facility could or can’t be saved? Huh? What gives them the right to assume that we couldn’t handle the responsibility of keeping the facility secure and under wraps? They didn’t see the incident happen, they don’t know how that science works, they’re hundreds of miles away on the other side of the damn country with no degrees, and no clue on the actual state of things!” I said in my defense. She just nodded again, slowly, taking everything I said into consideration, while she carefully calculated her response.
“Again, you are correct. But there is a sense of a bigger picture here that I think you don’t want to admit. You’re right, they don’t know how the science works, they didn’t see how the incident happened, and your leaders are in fact hundreds of miles away. With that logic, the fear of the unknown, and what they are told through their… I assume liaisons that are overlooking the situation, is it no wonder that this rash and objectively harsh decision was decided upon? From the notes, you said you were there for three days, and that the rate in which aliens were teleporting in wasn’t stopping. So, looking through the eyes of your nation's leadership, is it hard to believe that they wouldn’t destroy the facility?” My response was immediate but it quickly fell apart.
“Yes it is because the US Government would never go… and… nuke someone to… put an end to a… Oh… Hiroshima… Nagasaki… shit…” I said as I slowly leaned back into my chair.
“And, what are those?” She asked leaning forward slightly to get a better look at me. I responded, quietly… almost embarrassed knowing now that Rain Shine made sense, and that she had a point.
“They… were the two cities that the US dropped nuclear bombs on to end the second world war… It was a hard decision but, in order to save the lives of thousands of marines from dying needlessly on the Japanese mainland they went ahead with it. Fuck… I guess… I guess you’re right, Rain Shine. I guess given the circumstance of the situation, and lack of information due to the chaos and the confusion when the incident happened, the government really didn’t have a choice.” I then sat back up in my seat as I squared myself up again with Rain Shine. “Of course that doesn’t mean I enjoyed being nuked! Or the fact that I was sent in there to kill all those people! It… It hurts!” I said as I looked into her, as if asking for her to help ease this pain. And she smiles and nods.
“Yeah I’m sure it does. And you have that right to be hurt. Just because it was, from their point of view necessary, doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt them too. Of course we won’t know that for certain but, if other humans are as kind and as understanding as you I’m sure it hurt them too to give that order.” I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out. She had made so much sense that it was leaving me speechless. I just sat there in my chair looking at her with this dumbfounded look on my face.
“I guess you’re right… It was for the greater good. I just wish it wasn’t me that needed to be involved with that. I know that sounds selfish of me to say that but… Damn it I mean it. That whole situation sucked from beginning to end.” I said, exhausted.
“I can never truly understand the things that happened to you there, but they are as terrible as you say they are, then I have to agree with you. You were thrown to the wolves, so to speak, yet, you made it out of there alive.” I chuckled.
“Heh… barely,” I smiled, and in response, she smiled too. Sighing I looked out the window for a moment before looking down at my boots. I felt a little bit of weight get lifted off my shoulders as I slowly came around to the ideas Rain Shine had proposed to me. I saw it her way and I understood things in a new way. While I still wasn’t completely satisfied on the whole, for the greater good angle she was taking, I could understand that she was correct in thinking that was a legitimate angle my government could have taken on the situation. And if I was honest with myself, that wasn’t necessarily out of character for them to think like that, even if it was a terrible thing to think about.
“Hey uh… thanks for this. I appreciate it, while this got a lot of my chest I… Think we still have a lot to discuss. I hope you don’t mind…” I admitted looking up to Rain Shine. Though to see her smiling brightly with genuine happiness across her face, made me smile just as bright back, my spirit lifting just by seeing her happy.
“Of course Adrian, we’ll keep talking as long as we need to until you feel confident with yourself again. I am here at your disposal marine… As long as you need me.” I… didn’t know what to say, the way she reassured me, and spoke to me with respect and dignity just made me feel so… welcome around her. So I said nothing at all, and leaned over the table, giving Rain Shine a hug. It was so sudden, I wasn’t even aware I was hugging her until I looked down, and noticed my arms were criss crossed over her back. I realized how unprofessional this was and so I let go, and fell back into my chair. Only, I didn’t fall back… Around my back, criss crossing me much like my arms did for her, was Rain Shines forehooves. Rain Shine was hugging me back.
I looked over to her, as I felt her chin dig into me, as her head coiled around the back of my neck, her whole upper body cradling me in this sudden embrace. She felt warm, like warmer than normal body heat. Her fur was soft, and silky, and her mane which surrounded my face, smelled… amazing.
Suddenly I leaned out of the hug a bit more and she let go, both of us now returning to our chairs… my cheeks feeling red and hot. She looked at me with a relaxed, almost calming look on her face, while I was formally embarrassed by my assumed overstep. This was still the leader of this Kirin village, and I needed to honor that, even if it looked as if she enjoyed the hug...
“Sorry! Uhm… Sorry about that I uh. W-W-... I didn’t mean to uh, hug you.” Rain Shine then smiled wider and covered her muzzle softly with her hoof as she giggled.
“Adrian, relax… There’s no need to be sorry. You’re going through a lot right now and a comforting hug is something that somepony like yourself can use once and a while. And while it is a bit… taboo, for someone such as myself to offer them to someone like yourself, I’m sure both of us, given our occupations, can look past such social barriers.” She said, eloquently as usual. I nodded instantly after she spoke.
“Oh! Oh uh, alright then. Thank you. I am still a bit embarrassed however.” I say nervously.
“That’s perfectly fine Adrian. You can be, it’s only natural for someone such as yourself.” She reassured me. I smiled and picked up my cup of tea, and sipped away at it.
And there I would sit for the next fifteen minutes as I finished said tea, only to receive another cup from her. The rest of the evening we spent together was filled with quite riveting conversation that wasn’t necessarily related to me or my problems. Which I didn’t notice at all. It was just nice to talk with someone one on one again, not really being able to do something like this for about a week. It reminded me of my first talks with Autumn on top of the mountain, however here, things were still, sterile even. It was an experience that I, admittedly, really enjoyed. And before we knew it, the morning and the afternoon were gone. I thanked Rain Shine for her hospitality and was about to leave but she stopped me before I could get to the door. She came to my side and stated that she wanted to see me again tomorrow.
At first I protested, but that didn’t last very long as she was quite persistent. So I agreed, and she walked me all the way back to my campsite in the evening sun. As we did, the Kirin of the village watched with shocked faces as the two of us joked and talked as if we had been good friends this whole time. And if i was being honest…
… Rain Shine really did feel like a good friend that I had known for a long time, even though earlier this morning I had wanted her to leave me alone. I honestly thought that I was alone in this world, doomed to lament over my past for the rest of my life. Only to find someone like her in the most unlikely of positions. I truly wanted to know how she could comprehend my troubles, but at the same time, I didn’t care. I had found someone I could talk to properly about my problems.
And that was something I needed now more than ever, if I was to get better.
I open my eyes to the bitter, cool embrace of the Black Mesa Research Facility. Only I knew this place wasn’t real. I heard the sound of rusty mechanical droning in the distance, as the lights above me flickered on and off. I looked to the walls, and noticed a black like syrupy decay dripping from the ceiling and down the concrete. I inhaled and I could only smell death and upon looking down I saw why. The bodies of marines littered the tiled floor of the hallway I found myself in, the blood of their bodies combining together into a literal river of crimson life energy. I watched as the blood flowed across the ground, defying gravity as it forced itself towards me. I could feel it splattering against my boots, and soaking into my pants.
But I wasn’t afraid anymore.
I strode forward self-assured through the muck and blood, the sound of sloshing and unknown crunching filled my ears. I ignored it. The smell, while it penetrated my nose, did not penetrate my mask that I pulled out and quickly strapped on. I kept going. As the lights above me began to fail, I simply threw down my night vision goggles, and stared into the darkness. I didn’t stop. As the walls, ceiling, and the sounds of the facility began to crumble, buckle, and become unrecognizable to both my hearing and sight, I was left with nothing but darkness. I paid it no mind. I wasn’t afraid anymore, why should I be afraid? There was no good reason to, I knew this was all in my head. I knew if I kept standing strong I wouldn’t let my inner demons get a hold of me. I was stronger than them and I was going to prove it, if not for me, but for Rain Shine, and Autumn, and her friends.
But as I tried to remember them, and remember the things Rain Shine had said yesterday, I noticed that my boots weren’t trudging through blood and bodies anymore. Quickly I looked down, and I saw only my legs, there was no floor, just the infinite darkness of the blackest voids. I then looked around some more, my night vision unable to see anything in the black abyss I found myself in. Suddenly, I felt the ground give away beneath me, and while I at first thought I was falling, I quickly found myself to be floating. I was hovering in this empty space for only a few moments, before I realized what this is. And before I could call it out, a white rectangular door opened in front of me, revealing a suited silhouette.
Suddenly I froze up, I couldn’t move. I stopped floating aimlessly and found my body parts had gone stiff while I was forced to stare at the man in the doorway. I at first thought I knew who it was. It was that G-Man guy who had doomed me to live the rest of my life among the Kirin, except, something was off.
“Oh my dear Adrian. This seems familiar doesn’t it?” When the man spoke I instantly knew it wasn’t the G-Man. “Frozen again in an empty forgotten place in time. Endlessly floating here in a black abyss, devoid of any light, or anyone to talk to. It’s what you deserve really, after the things you’ve done.” The man walked closer towards me as the door behind him shut. He disappeared for a moment, the darkness becoming all I could see again. Suddenly a light appeared in front of me and it blinded me for a second. However, blinking a few times I found this man standing right in front of me, inches away from my face. Only, he wasn’t wearing a suit anymore. The apparition of the G-Man in the doorway was only meant to scare me, and this creature knew it had done its job well. So, with him standing so close to me, the veil dropped.
It was him again, it was the darkest most deprived version of me, my mind can create. An opposite representation of who I am… Only, something was different. He wasn’t black and white anymore. While he kept his mannerisms and his deplorable attitude, he had his color returned to him. I tried to see if anything else changed but I couldn’t move my head.
“So! My doppelganger…~” He said with a disgustingly perverted accent on his lips, “Trying to get some serious help are we?Not satisfied with just the words of the gospel anymore?” A bible appeared in his left hand, and he dangled it in front of me, before it burst into flames, “So much for being a man of god hmmm?” He pulled himself away from me as I could feel him grinning sinsterly behind his mask, “Christ you are pathetic. Can’t handle a little bit of trauma on your own, can’t even keep up with your own studies, how the hell did you make it through High School, let alone ten years in the marines?” The creature jeered at me. The way it taunted me, and talked down to me, was forcing rage to build up inside of me. A rage I was accustomed to using. So I used it.
“Y-Yyyyou…” I stuttered out, finally getting my lips to move, catching it off guard, “You know nothing of my dedication to God. Where you come from is a m-mmmiserable, hopeless place, devoid of our lord's grace. The only reason you exist is because of me finding horrors so terrible, it questioned my faith for a time. B-Bbbut… All, of that doubt is overshadowed by my undying love for the lord, which will shine through the darkest nights and light my way towards safety. You are nothing more than a wicked tormented inner demon that must be destroyed by my hands. For God helps those who help themselves, and if that means reaching out to someone for help then so be it. E-eeendlessly yearning for salvation with no effort on your part, will doom you to eternal damnation.” My religious fervor angered it. The creature stuck itself into my face again, ripping my mask and other head protection off. It erupted into a thunderous roar.
“YOU’RE A FUCKING FOOL ADRIAN!! YOU’RE GOD WILL NEVER ACCEPT YOU, YOU HAVE GIVEN YOURSELF UP TO THE DESTRUCTIVE POWERS THAT I WEILD. SO LONG AS I LIVE, YOU WILL NEVER BE REDEEMED!! YOU’RE HOPELESS!!!” The mask it wore began to shatter and break. The lenses it stared at me though had cracked, and some of the straps holding the rebreather to its mouth had snapped. I think it knew this, as it spun around and stormed a few feet away, while grabbing it’s face. It then spoke… slowly.
“Do you honestly think she can help you? That Kirin named Rain Shine.” My mood was lifted as he said her name. Her presence had penetrated him, he knew of her existence, and how he was powerless to work against her.
“Yes… And there is nothing you can do to stop her from helping me. She approached me and I accepted her help. She didn’t need to help me through my struggles but she did anyway.” I responded, now gaining control of my mouth again. He turned around slightly, as I could only see half of his face.
“If she’ll stay with you that long.” He now turns back to me, clear stress showing on his face. “What makes you think she won’t abandon you, just like your government did hmm? What do you think will happen when she can’t make sense of your troubles anymore due to the massive cultural gap? What then huh, back to the bible to find solace for a few days more before you end up abandoning it again, and muzzling up?” It spat with wrath and anger pouring from its body. I decided not to answer it, and instead, piss it off. I had nothing more to say to this creature, so I decided to send it back to the corner of my mind where it belonged.
“Psalm 37:13 mother fucker. Eat shit and die.” The apparition stood there for a moment, before it looked over its shoulder. It then leaned forward slightly and let out a few pained laughs. These chuckles it gave off quickly turned sour fast as it morphed into a full blown laughing wreck, the demon quickly submitting to it’s childish anger.
The last thing I saw before I woke up was it’s fist hurling towards me.
It was the next day, early in the morning. The sun was just barely coming up over the horizon as I leaned up from inside my sleeping bag, smiling. Normally something like that a week ago would have been a complete and utter nightmare but this time? It was different. I had a lot more confidence this time. I felt mentally stronger, not by much but enough to put up a small fight against myself. However there was still a lot of ground to cover if I was going to get rid of that demon. And as I looked down to myself, I lifted my left arm to reveal my bibling lying there next to me. I stared at it for a moment, before smiling and picking it up. It had been a week or more since I had last actually thumbed through a passage or two. Maybe it was for the best if I looked back through here again, after all that religious bolstering to myself would be for naught if I actually didn’t read the bible anymore.
And I wasn’t about to start lying, not even to myself.
So for the next hour I flipped through page after page of ancient religious texts, using the flashlight off my rig to light up the inside of my tent, as the sun hadn’t come up far enough to really seep in through the cotton tarp. While sitting there reading the words and the passages that were written in such old eloquently articulated ways, I came to remind myself why reading something like this was important to me, or rather why it was instilled in me as a kid for it to be important to me. This book offered moral and spiritual answers for a yearning soul that wished to be a part of something bigger than oneself. Those that become self absorbed or think themselves to be better than those around them to the point of isolating away from society and embracing deadly sins to feel alive, would benefit from finding peace in something like this. Something that gets them out of the house, and socializing with others.
Or at least touching grass.
Sighing I closed the book, a warm feeling emanating from inside my heart. While the bible to me held the answers I sought after, lusting for god's grace and forgiveness alone wasn’t going to fix my problems. After all, he that lives upon hope alone, will die farting.
“Thanks Benjamin Franklin,” I murmured to myself as I let out a few single chuckles, before letting out a deep sigh, “Alright… Let’s greet the day.” I said as I pulled myself out of my sleeping bag. I pulled on pants, and grabbed my toothbrush and toothpaste from my rucksack. I then stuck my head out of my tent and-
“Who’s Benjamin Franklin?” Was what I heard coming from a familiar voice, the moment I stuck my head through the tent flap. I screamed and jumped, slipping and falling onto my chin, my body thumping to the ground loudly. I looked to where the familiar voice came from and saw none other than Autumn Blaze, staring down at me… looking confused.
I let out a groan with one eye open as I looked up at her. “Good morning to you too… Wasn’t expecting to see you this early.” Autumn looked confused for a moment, before realizing her mistake, and blushing.
“Oh! Uh- Sorry, I thought you would have been awake by now, I-... I was sorta right, right?” She said with a mousy grin across her face, while she rubbed her forehoof with her other.
I huffed defeatedly and leaned myself up, before pulling myself from my tent. “Yeah I, I suppose you did! Uh I was just about to get ready for the day uh, I don’t think you want to be with me while I do that however.” I suggested to her, trying to allude to me needing to bathe myself. Luckily, she caught on. Her nervous blush getting stronger.
“Oh! Right! Yeah I-I, kinda figured you would want to do that, Apologies. But like uh… if you wouldn't mind, could you spare a moment?" She asked, still nervous. I nod.
"Sure go ahead, what's up Autumn?" Autumn cleared her throat, and stammered to get up a response, but she got it out.
"The reason I came over here this morning so early is because well… I wanted to see how you were doing! Because yesterday you didn’t show up at the town hall, well technically you did but you weren’t there giving your lectures and I…” Autumn looked over her shoulder, her chin shrinking into her chest fur, “I maybe… kinda sort of… missedyouyterdmmm…” Autumns voice was muffled and it trailed off towards the end, making it hard for me to hear what she said. I tilted my head and leaned in a bit.
“I’m sorry uh… I didn’t quite get that.” Autumn then turned back around, her head still pointed down as her forehoof played in the dirt in front of her. Her eyes went shifty as she spoke up again, this time a bit better but it was still really hard to understand her.
“I said… I missed… you… yesterday…”
“You… what?” I came again, this time I shook my head in annoyance as my eyes squinted a bit, trying to understand what or where she was going with this. Suddenly her eyes shot up and looked at me, her face turning a deep shade of rosy red. She quickly blurted out a jumbled string of words that I needed to go over twice in my head when she was done. It was fast and loud and all over the place but I got the jist of it.
“I said I really really missed you yesterday when you didn’t show up at the town hall and everypony else was worried about you and I had to tell them that you were talking to Rain Shine about your problems and then that only made things worse and I didn’t know what to do then Salvina stepped up and took control of the situation and said you needed some time alone and I agreed with her and I told the Kirin that I would tell them when you were ready to talk again and I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to help you myself and… and… a-and…” I knelt down and put a hand on her shoulder, making her stop rambling. I looked at Autumn with a confused and disoriented look on my face after hearing what she said at the very beginning.
“Y-You… Missed me?” Autumn closed her eyes hard, looking away from me, trying to shield my eyes from her, but I could still see the tears welling up in her ducts. She then opened up again, swiftly looking back up at me with a distraught look upon her face.
“Yes! Of course I do, eh- W-We do! We all miss you! Me, Fern, Petris and the others were under the impression for the longest time that your talks were therapeutic for you! You know, talking out your frustrations and all that! But we couldn’t have been more wrong, they had the exact opposite effect! Having you ramble on and on about nothing for hours, and making you talk endlessly about your past and without us giving you any actual positive feedback to try and consoul you, only prolonged the damage! You were pouring your heart out to us and we were just nodding our heads like a bunch of idiots! If we had known having you talk about home would have hurt you that much we never would have done that in the first place! We had no idea that you were hurting inside that much! I-I’m so… so sorry Adrian…” Autumn fell back onto her haunches, as she covered her cheek with her hoof, as tears fell from her eyes, “P-Please forgive us…”
My heart sank like a twenty ton weight, no, it fell right out of my chest. I just knelt there, speechless on what to do. I didn’t know what to say. The Kirin… missed me… I mean I kinda had an idea they would miss my talks if I just decided not to show up, but not like this. I had no idea that the others, especially Autumn, had become so attached to me so quickly. I had no clue that they really cared that much about me to break down in tears. Was a month really that long for something like this to develop? It didn’t feel that way but, maybe it was. Maybe I had taken our time together for granted, no, that wasn’t it. Remembering back to the times we had spent together I recalled all the happy times we had with one another. It was clear they did really care.
I stared at Autumn crying there for a few more seconds… Before I did the only thing I knew worked.
I bent down to her, pulled her closer to me, and enveloped the bawling fowl into my arms. I squeezed her against my chest, resting her head over my shoulder. I felt her hooves quickly wrap around me as she sobbed into my clothes. I bit my upper lip to keep myself from crying in front of her, but it wasn’t working that well. I closed my eyes and I tightened my hold around her as I kept on trying to hold back my own set of tears. I then… stroked her mane.
I was actually stroking her mane. It felt like such a sign of trust that, this alone nearly broke me into tears, but I held on just a bit longer. It… felt softer than any bed sheet I had ever had the pleasure of sleeping in. It was fluffier than the pillowist clouds. And it was so dense that I felt I could have gotten lost in it. It was… just like Rain Shines, only hers was smaller. A short time after I had started doing this… I felt her tears stop, and I instead felt her settle into my arms. In that second I realized that after the hiccupping had slowly stopped, that she was at ease. That’s when I talked softly to her, and told her,
A deep inhale exited my nose as I sat back down in my chair in Rain Shines room, and she joined me a moment later, with a hot pot of tea. I stared at the table between us vacantly, watching the porcelain teapot land on its surface. I watched as Rain Shine took her seat in her chair and poured herself a cup, before she poured me one. My eyes followed the steam of the hot green tea till they met with Rain Shines.
“So… I had no idea that the Kirin would miss me…” I said awkwardly. Rain Shine, who was in the middle of sipping her tea, looked up at me. She then lowered her tea cup from her lips, and swallowed. She placed her tea cup down and nodded.
“Yes, they came to see me yesterday after you and I were done talking. Autumn seemed the most… distraught.” She said in a somber tone. I swallow dryly.
“She was?” I asked with guilt on my lips. Rain Shine smiled, and looked to the door behind us.
“Don’t be ashamed Adrian, you haven't done anything wrong. You’ve been interacting with my Kirin everyday for a month, talking to them, working with them, and overall being the bright side of their day. Is it no wonder that they would be worried sick when you just decide not to show up one day?” She asks, taking another sip from her tea. I mulled over what she said.
“Huh, I guess it just seems strange to me that, at the beginning of the month they wouldn’t even look at me, and now they can’t live without me.” Rain Shine chuckles lightly, placing her teacup down again.
“Well, our village and my Kirin don't have much contact with the outside world. They live here secluded in our valley and rarely do they see what’s beyond the mountains. So when exciting things happen here like, for instance, a real life fairy tale comes to stay with them and openly discusses a world far beyond what they can comprehend while opening and broadening their minds to new ideas, they tend to get attached.” She explains with a smile. I smile now as well.
“Yeah I guess, that hunger for change runs deep when they see the same thing over and over again. But, if that’s the case why don’t they venture beyond the mountains? I mean there’s nothing stopping them from doing that right? There’s no insurmountable evil beyond the valley that I don’t know about right?” Rain Shines smile then disappeared. Her eyes shifted to the window as she appeared to be searching for an answer. Her mouth opened, debating on what to say, before she looked back to me.
“Uh… N-No… There isn’t anything beyond the mountains that could be considered a treat, or at least I don’t think so. But, well they… L-Let’s come back to that at a later date as it’s sort of complicated.” She then turned her attention back to me fully and smiled, albeit nervously. “Instead let’s get back on track! What do you want to talk about today?” She asked, a wide smile crossing her lips. My eyes narrowed as I turned my head slightly to the left as I questioned her quick deflection of my questions. I went to interject but I stopped myself. It would be rude to talk about something she’s uncomfortable discussing, while she’s already talking to me about stuff I’m not comfortable discussing. So I nodded understandingly and dropped it… for now.
“Right, right… So, I guess the next thing we should talk about is, hmm…” My hands thumped against my knees as I thought, “Well I guess we should talk about me sacrificing ten years of my life, fighting on multiple battlefronts, in multiple military operations, with dozens of men at my side, all for it to be for abosulutely fucking nothing.” I said with a hint of malice. Rain Shines ears flooded back for a moment, before they sprang back up.
“What do you mean by sacrifice?” Her head turned to the side as she asked this. I quickly responded.
“Well I mean what I said. I sacrificed ten years of my life to the Corps, only for my career to be cut short because of the man in the blue suit at Black Mesa. Rain Shine nodded, then looked through a notepad she had with her that she didn’t have last time. I recognized that pad, it was Autumn’s.
“The man in the blue suit… You called him G-Man right?” I nodded but corrected her.
“The G-Man, but… I suppose G-Man sounds better. But, yes. My military career was cut short by him,” I looked down to my boots and sigh in a defeated manner. I heard Rain Shine speak as I did this.
“How did he ruin your career?” A genuine sounding question. I answered her with a sour response, my anger returning rather quickly.
“How? How did he ruin my career? Well… Isn’t it obvious? I’m here, I’m not at home with my family, or family to be. I wanted to spend twenty, maybe even thirty years in the United States Marines. I wanted to do my duty for god and country, stand up in the face of evil and be a source of good in the world. But after my time was done, and I could no longer perform up to the standards that are expected of me, I wanted to retire with honors. I wanted to get a pension, I wanted to make contacts and powerful allies. I wanted to use the money I accumulated to buy a house, start a family, and… I don’t know, become a police officer for the county I live in. I wanted to be a loving father to many sons or daughters, be a loving husband to a wife who loved me back, and be a pillar in my community!” I quickly shoot up from my seat, as I stare down at Rain Shine, who’s eyes go wide for a moment, and follow me. I begin to pace the floor beside her.
“But you know what I get in return? No big party, no reward for my service, not even a pat on the back saying, congrats, you didn’t die despite the whole world around you wanting to murder you, and fillet you alive! After ten years of my life, a whole decade of sacrificing my blood, sweat, and tears for my country, doing everything that I could do be all I can be for not only myself, but the battle buddies beside me? Fighting on multiple continents and in multiple countries, one evening being my own, and seeing the men I had come to love die one after the other by my side and in my arms? Do you wanna know what I get in return?” I said as I stopped pacing back and forth, as I turned to look Rain Shine head on, whose eyes had only just now gone back to normal. She looks at me and visibly thinks for a second, looking down to the floor, then back up to me.
“Nothing.” She says as a statement, not as a question, as she knew she was right. I turn to her fully, and close the gap, her neck craning slightly to look up at me. With a tired look upon my face I painfully grin, and gently nod my head.
“Yeah… Nothing.” She frowned gently as she looked at the notebook. She wasn’t looking for anything in particular but, just trying to avoid eye contact with me. She looked as if she felt ashamed.
“I’m sorry Adrian.” She finally said after I had returned to my chair. I picked up my teacup and drank from it.
“Don’t be. It’s not your fault.” Rain Shine quickly interjected.
“I know it’s not my fault but… If I may say so, I am really sorry that you weren’t able to finish your career. Leaving a book open like that, unable to close it hurts. But… Maybe you can close it after all.” hearing her say this, made my head pop up slightly, confused.
“What do you mean?” I ask, now genuinely interested.
“Well, it’s not like there are any real problems here in Perilous Peaks but, you know, times change. Everything changes, especially things beyond our control. For instance, I’m sure you’re aware of this but beyond our valley is a great desert plain that goes on for hundreds of miles. Without end.” I nodded to her saying this. She takes a sip from her tea.
“Well… It always wasn’t like that.” She says grinning slightly. I lean forward in my chair, now getting more invested in what she was saying.
“How was it not always like that?” I asked as she looked out the window again. She didn’t seem to be looking at her garden or the village, she looked as if she were gazing beyond the valley, her eyes nostalgic and longing for something.
“At one time many years ago, hundreds even… This land was a literal bread basket. Lush green plains stretched as far as the eyes could see as long blades of grass danced in the divine wind. Beautiful lush and dense forests filled with thousands of animals and cherry blossom trees sprouted up wherever they pleased. And bamboo crowded the banks of many rivers that ran away from the tallest mountains, all the way to our beautiful oceans which jumped with fish.” I sat there imagining the sights she was describing, and it sounded very… familiar to me. Not personally but definitely like something I had heard about in geology class back in high school while researching different regions on Earth. I also got hung up on the term… The Divine Wind, as I could have sworn I heard that before.
“Ah... I see. And what exactly changed it?” Rain Shines eyes seemed to dim a bit as she looked away from the window and back to me.
“Time…” She said flatly. I was caught off guard a bit when she uttered a single word.
“Time? That’s it?” She paused for a moment… As if contemplating on whether or not she should say something.
“Yes. Time.” I could sense that something was bothering her, but as her eyes met mine again, I decided to cover it later. After all, she was here to help me, it would be rude to go diving into her, while she's already swimming in me. “Times change, and they can change again. So someone with your skill set may be needed at some point. Maybe not in the ways you’re accustomed to but, well… Let’s go over the facts here.” Rain Shine got up out of her chair, and gently strode over to me, looking me up and down.
“You’re incredibly strong, extremely perceptive, and I’m sure you’ve got plenty of endurance built up inside you. On top of that you have a voice that sounds how velvet cloth feels, and you've got the brain to forge that voice into concessive arguments that can change how ponies think and feel on certain subjects." she circled around me, my head following hers as she spoke, “You can use this set of skills you acquired while serving your country in a different way. It may not be as gratifying as your old line of work because, let’s be honest, nothing is going to ever reach that kind of excitement again. But maybe if you wait long enough and keep your head held up high,” She circled to my left side, and lowered her head down next to mine, looking out the window, before turning to look at me again. “You might find something that is as satisfying as serving your country.” Saying this she returned to her seat.
Thinking about that for a moment I looked down at my teacup. What did she mean by that, surely she didn’t mean working at the market for the rest of my life right? No… She was alluding to something else. Something bigger than that, something that she knows that I don’t. While I was grateful for her help, the strange way she was going about helping me without letting on to something she knew was starting to get to me. But even as I looked up to her and questioned her manner of speaking, I knew she was only doing this to help me. The look in her eyes and the way she cared kept me knowing that she wanted me to be well again mentally. But why? Why did she? Was she really doing this out of the kindness of her heart? Or was there something, more than that. I’d look into it later, for now though she was making perfect sense.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right Rain Shine. Times does change, and while I wasn’t able to complete my military career on Earth, maybe I can find something here in this world that will bring me the same kind of accomplishment.” I saw Rain Shines face light up with happiness, as a massive overwhelmed smile crossed her lips, it shined from cheek to cheek.
“I'm sure you will Adrian, I believe in you," the smiled fadded slightly, "I know you and I haven’t had that much extended interaction since you’ve been here, mostly because I’m busy with… y’know, leading my village, but I can tell you're a very resourceful human. When somepony gives you an inch, you can turn that inch into a mile.” She says now taking a sip from her tea, mostly maintaining eye contact with me. I cocked an eyebrow.
“How so?” I questioned her.
“Well… Just look at the following you’ve amassed while you’ve been here. In a month you’ve gone from being a social outcast, to having a following numbering in the hundreds. You’ve completely changed the way the Kirin look at you. Every day you lend a hand at the market, you earn their trust and their money, which you then spend on their food that they graciously sell to you. You’ve become a legitimate member of our little society here, and they couldn't be happier. The Kirin, and I as well, accept you as one of our own, and in return for this acceptance you tell my Kirin stories of your life back on Earth. You tell them how it works, and how different it is to theirs.” Rain Shine stands up again and moves closer, before sitting beside me. Suddenly she puts a hoof on my right leg, and looks up at me. “You’ve ignited something in them that I haven’t seen in my kind in a very long time, something that I thought was lost to us a forever ago.” I raised a brow to her hopeful sounding train of thought.
“And, what’s that?” I asked not picking up what she was putting down. She giggled and put her other hoof out in front of the both of us.
“The urge to explore, and see the world in a new light. You’ve given the Kirin ideas, new, bold, and brave ideas. And while some may question what the future will bring because of this, I'm sure the greater whole of the Kirin here will welcome this enlightenment with open hooves. I’m confident that when we’re finished here, you’ll find that sense of purpose that you lost when you left Earth. And with this new sense of purpose you will water the seed you’ve planted within my village, and help my community grow into something far greater than what they are now.” I was shocked… I wasn't sure at what, but I was still shocked. Maybe it was how she was talking or, what she wanted me to do. I hadn’t excepted her to reach out to me like this, with these strange wishes. Maybe I was shocked because I was so accustomed to leaders of nations not wanting their people to explore new ideas, that the fact that one was encouraging me to do so caught me off guard.
“I… I see. But, if I am to do this, and I am to inspire your people. Can I ask one thing from you?” I say turning to look down at her.
“Sure, anything you ask,” She says almost instantly.
“Can you help me?” I ask hopefully. Rain Shine looks away, taking her hoof off my leg. She looks at the floor, her eyes scanning around as if looking for something beneath the floorboards. She then nods gently and looks back up to me.
“When the time comes… When the time is right… Yes. I will help you. But for now, while I feel we’re making steady progress with you, I fear we still have much to resolve.” I nod confirming she was correct in her assumptions. “Then until then, let’s get back on track, shall we?
So, after returning to her chair, she and I talked the rest of the evening away again.
I shuffled through the fallen leaves of the early autumn evening. I pondered silently on what Rain Shine had offered me. The job of inspiring the current generation of Kirin so that their actions will influence the next in a positive and prosperous way. This will, in her words, essentially bring forth a miniature golden age for their small community. I wondered if this was something I was even interested in doing in the first place, the responsibility of it all now really hitting me. At the time when Rain Shine had suggested it to me, I was being swept up in her fantasies. I was being blinded from my rationality by her whimsy to the point of accepting this task out of blind shock and awe. I did believe in her philosophy of bringing forth a new era of enlightenment to her people, so that they can go forth and expand beyond this valley. But was I really the one to bring this knowledge and hope onto them? Was I really the one to speak not only about myself, but to bring the Kirin forward into a new chapter in their history?
As I rounded the bend to my campsite, I got my answer. Laying my eyes upon my tent, I saw much more than I remembered seeing this morning when I left with Rain Shine today. My mouth was left agape as my walking slowed down. Surrounding the fire pit in the center of my camp, were hundreds of beautiful flowers. There were so many, my eyes couldn’t focus on any one flower bud in particular. There were just so many, and in such a wide variety of colors. My eyes laid upon the most fiery of reds, the darkest of blues, the most vibrant of greens, and the brightest of yellows. And in between them all, almost overshadowing the independent colors, was an endless sea of cherry blossoms. The air, because of this display, smelled of this rich and enticing flowery perfume, it overwhelmed my senses, but in a good way. Upon finding myself in the center of the array of flowers, I simply kept turning around in circles over and over again, the golden rays of the setting sun had turned the circle of colors into a ring of fire.
“W-... What?” I muttered completely dumbstruck, unable to get anything else out, before I felt something touch my hand. It was soft and gentle. My body spun around and I looked down to see what had grazed me, and I saw the honey colored irises of Autumn Blaze, looking up at me with her wide excitable eyes. Beside her was the brown sugared coat of the shy Fern Flare, with her own pair of deep magenta eyes that shined brightly in the evening sun. Behind her was Petris Inferno, a confident smile crossing his proud Kirin chin, as his strong blue eyes glistened. On the other side of Autumn was the lime green mane of Sretica Flames, her petite smile and, ever yearning for knowledge attitude, happily looked upon me. And of course, behind her was the deep red, almost enriched brown coat of Slavina Glare, oh which her cheeky grin also smiling upon me, her eyes seeming to be glaring at me with a cocky aura, just like always.
The five Kirin looked at me, and my heart practically melted out of my chest as the realization of what they had done here hit me. As their manes gently blew in the cool fall wind, while the sun set their fur a light with it’s ever elongating god rays, I bent down to them on one knee, with the biggest smile on my face, and held open my arms with small bulbs of tears welling up in my eyes.
Autumn reciprocated these tears as she jumped into my embrace, Sretica joining her a few moments later, coiling halfway around Autumn and my right arm. Petris, who I didn’t think had it in his best interests to hug me, fell upon my left arm, his two forehooves coiling up and around my shoulder as his head nuzzled beside mine. Fern, who was as shy as she always was, surprisingly wasn’t the last one in joining the group hug. She actually gained the courage to jump onto my back, her left fore hoof overlapping Petris’s, and her other coiling around my neck, thankfully not choking me out in the process. I was completely overwhelmed by the Kirin, my body now cooking like a roasted chicken, but I could feel something wasn’t right. My eyes opened as I only felt four Kirin hugging me, not five. I looked over to my right, and I saw why. Salvina was standing all by her lonesome, her eyes darted around on the ground as her front hoof drew a circle in the dirt, it was clear that she was hesitant in joining in the hug.
But as she and I made eye contact, I gave her a look of understanding. I gently nodded at her decision to sit this out. However, my understanding and visual acceptance of her sitting this one out, didn’t sit well with her at all. She looked at me for a brief moment, then quickly looked away with a flustered expression on her face, before she turned back appearing to be calmed down. Then to my surprise, she slowly came over, sat to my left, and wrapped her upper hooves around the middle of my torso. She then dug her face, and then her cheek into my side, as she let out a deep sigh, not of annoyance but of… relief. Relief from what I wasn’t sure, but something deep down told me that she was happy that I accepted her choice, and understood why she made it.
I could have died… Right there… And I would have been content. This feeling of acceptance was relieving, almost as if another massive emotional weight had been removed from my subconscious. I felt the pain just… disappear. I had been hugged before, even by these Kirin, but this was something different. While I remembered that Rain Shine said that the Kirin had accepted me as one of their own, and I had witnessed the level of tolerance rise higher and higher with everyday I spent working with them, I always had the feeling they were doing it just to be nice. But this? This was more than just being nice. They had arranged all these flowers for me, no doubt bought from, or were just given to them by the Kirin in the market. These five took a whole day while I was away, putting this together for me. They really did care, it wasn’t superficial, and it wasn’t fake, it was honest to god… Love. They loved me, like a family.
Through this whole hug, not a single word was spoken. The only sound I could vaguely pick up on, through the fur and fluff of the five Kirin, was the flowers around me rustling in the cool fall breeze. I had lost track of time while I was surrounded by the warmth of these five absolutely amazing friends. And that was okay, I could spend the rest of the night in this embrace and I wouldn’t have cared in the slightest. I was honored to have them consider me one of them, and not just in title.
The rest of the night was spent with those five, figuring out how to use the flowers they had bought for me. Afterall, there were quite a lot of them. Eventually I decided to use the flowers to decorate my campsite. The cherry blossoms would probably wilter and die, but the other flowers they bought for me, I made a promise to them that I would water them and care for them everyday, as if it were my own little garden. I felt they were happy with this, especially Salvinia who I had to promise I was going to water them everyday if the rain didn’t come. She said she would check on them each day to make sure I wasn’t slacking off, jokingly of course.
The next morning… I didn’t wait for Rain Shine to come and get me. Instead I woke up right before sunrise, did all my morning nonsense, and headed into town, just as the light of the morning sun was starting to brighten up the valley. Oddly enough, I didn’t have a nightmare last night. The moment I hit the sleeping bag, I fell asleep and woke up without seeing anything, it was refreshing to say the least. I walked through the village in the quiet morning, the dew of the approaching fall weather lay upon the grass, a subtle frost on top of it. I could see the condensation from my breath out in front of me, the first time I had actually seen it since I’ve had been here. Something like this wasn’t common back home, because I lived in the desert. The only time I’d be able to see my breath was in the middle of winter, and even then it was nothing like this. My breath looked as if it was thick as soup, and the clouds I made would wisp through the air. They would get carried away in the smallest of breezes, and I watched them as they rose high into the air. I smiled at this for some reason.
I arrived outside the town hall and found a spot to sit down letting out a sigh of contentment. I craned my head back and looked up at the sky. I could still see a few stars in the early morning, but they were slowly flickering off as the sun grew brighter. But as I did, I could have sworn I noticed something eerie. In front of the stars were clouds that slowly moved across the sky with the wind. In these clouds I saw something looking at me. It wasn’t like it was hiding within the clouds, but it was as if the clouds themselves had manifested into a pair of eyes, of which were looking down and staring at me. The moment I noticed this however, the clouds dissipated and seemed to lose this supernatural property. My eyes darted around as the strange manifestation dispersed looking for the eyes again but… I couldn’t get the feeling of being watched anymore. While it caught me off guard, and was a bit unnerving for a moment, I simply chalked it up to me being tired, and left it at that.
I turned my head around and looked up at the Kapuseru, the statue of the stone dragon in the center of a pond filled with lily pads and koi. I stared into its vacant milky white stone eyes out of curiosity as the vague nature of this intricately carved statue still puzzled me greatly. Who carved this statue, why was it here, what was its purpose? While it simply could have been a dragon statue for the sake of being a dragon statue, I wasn’t so sure that’s why it was here. It was just so intricately designed with such beautiful stone and masonry work. It was beautifully astounding to the point of it not looking as though it belonged here, much like the throne and the very Japanese looking marketplace. Something was definitely off about this place, and while I really wanted to get to the bottom of it, I was in no position to start asking questions yet.
“Adrian!?” Suddenly a surprised voice caught my attention. Turning away from the dragon I saw Rain Shine exiting the town hall. I got up and greeted her.
“Good morning Rain Shine, I figured I would come see you today, instead of you coming to see me, save you a bit of a walk.” I smiled warmly, of which she responded with her own warm and welcoming grin. She bashfully waved a hoof at me.
“You didn’t need to do that Adrian, I’m more than happy to walk out to your tent to see you.” I looked away from her as a single nervous laugh left my lips as I blushed reticently.
“Oh... hush you, I’m sure you say that to all the humans you meet.” I coyly responded as I looked back. She grinned at my joke, but in a surprised way, a smirk replacing her mighty generous smile.
“Something’s different about you today Adrian, what has you in such a good mood?” I smiled a bit brighter as I dropped the boyish demeanor. I slowly approached Rain Shine as I spoke, arriving at her side.
“Well… Last night after I left your place I experienced a rather large eye opener, all thanks to the Kirin that I can proudly call my friends. I have come to realize that while I may miss my family back on Earth, y’know my mother, father, other relatives and friends, there’s no reason for me not to accept the ones I have around me right here, right now as… family too. There’s no reason for me to yearn for those I'll probably never see again, while ignoring those here that care about me. I came to understand last night that this was a selfish way of thinking, and while wishing for home is a healthy and normal response that all of us have, blocking others away from filling that void isn’t healthy.” Rain Shine interjected, with a confused tone.
“Were you blocking us out this whole time?” She asked, a hint of pain stinging her voice. I quickly shook my head.
“No no no no… no… I was just, at the very beginning, holding myself over trying to remember home as much as I could and keeping the Kirin here at arms length, or you know, just as friends. But now I see that they’re more than just friends. They’re a family, one that I can be proud to be a part of,” Rain Shines eyes then lighten up as she looked up at me, “you being one of them, of course.” She lets out a deep sigh which turns into a nervous laugh, as she’s the one blushing now. With an embarrassed tone she speaks up.
“So... heh... I guess what you’re saying is, while you may forever want to go home, with a perpetual home sickness, you’re able to put it enough behind you to accept your fate, and find yourself a new family here among us Kirin.” I exhaled and nodded, confirming her assessment. I then felt something happen to Rain Shine, something emotional in her mind changed so much, that I could see it on the outside. It was the same kind of weight I had felt be lifted while my mental shackles were being undone by her except, this time it was her who I had undone the shackle for.
She leans over to me, and runs her head beneath my chin, the hair of her mane tickling my skin. However I didn’t feel awkward from the embrace she was pressing into me. I felt relieved. It... dare I say felt good.
“Thank you for letting us into your heart Adrian.” She said softly as she leaned out and looked up at me with her now glassy and sparkling eyes. I nodded once.
“Thank you, for letting me stay here long enough for me to let you in.” I responded in a similarly soft tone. We held this gaze for a moment, before I found myself almost getting lost in her eyes, embracing the way they seemed to burrow into my mind. This surprise staring contest was broken however as Rain Shine blinked and realized what we had been doing these past few seconds. She brushed her fur down on her chest and cleared her throat.
“Right! W-Well… I think you’ve had an eventful breakthrough. It’s honestly up to you if you want to talk about anything today, I’m more than capable of helping you if you feel as though you’re ready to continue.” I straightened out my back and rubbed my chin with my hand. Looked around the village, and I watched the sun finally rise up over the mountain peaks.
“Sure, I think I got something else we can talk about but…” She raised a brow as I looked back to her, “Instead of sitting in your room today, why don't we instead, walk around the village. I think a change of pace would do us good, what do you think?” Rain Shine looked around at the village like I had and thought briefly. Before nodding and smiling back.
“Sure, I think that sounds like a wonderful idea.”
The sounds of early morning song birds surrounded Rain Shine and I as we walked along a trail that wrapped around the village. The village itself had begun to wake up. I could hear the distant chatter of Kirin going about their mornings, intermittent laughter rose out of the village once and a while. The light of the rising sun had finally crested over top the mountains, coating the valley below in its golden orange splendor, creating a beautiful sight to behold. A small creek to the right of us flowed and burbled gently along. The light that shined down from above made the water explode into a shimmering splendiferous light show that made the banks of the creek appear to glow. It was something I had seen many times before but it was always a welcome sight to behold, especially if I saw koi swimming together. Taking a deep breath and exhaling, I looked off into the woods with hands in pockets, as I smelled the cool crisp morning air. The overwhelming scent of the outdoors was intoxicating. I took in the smell of the grass and the dank creek bed, the aroma of the woods and the clear unpolluted air. I smiled.
It was good to be alive, and here of all places. Such potential this place had.
“You know Rain Shine…” I said, getting her attention while turning back towards her. She looked up at me with raised brows.
“Hmm? Yes Adrian?” She asked, her head turning over to look at me.
“I… Think I’m good.” I said bluntly. I looked back at the path ahead, a weak yet confident smile was across my face.
“Huh? What do you mean you’re good?” Rain Shine asked, clearly confused. I looked back at her, as I continued to slowly walk down the path.
“I mean I’m good. I… Don’t think I really need much… Therapy anymore.” I could sense Rain Shine’s confusion growing.
“But we’ve only been talking for three days, it hasn’t even been a week.” She interjects. I nodded.
“I know. But, you’ve given me all the answers I’ve been looking for.” I assuredly reaffirm. Rain Shine wasn’t convinced.
“But, there’s so much more I feel we haven’t gone over yet… Are you sure?” She asked, maneuvering around in front of me, getting me to stop as her red eyes worriedly looked into mine searching for an answer. I met her stare and closed the gap between us.
“Well yeah, I’m pretty sure.” I leaned back on my left foot as I spoke delicately to her, Rain Shines ears popped up a bit, her eyes still observing my body language, “I mean I’m still hurt that my government abandoned it’s core values, it’s people, and me of course but at the same time I can understand the severity of the situation they were placed in. And while I may not entirely agree with the philosophy of, ‘for the greater good,’ I can see why they adopted it and I don’t hold it against them.” Rain Shine interjected.
“So you don’t regret serving your country even after all that?” I scoffed, but in an insulting way.
“Pardon my language Rain Shine but, fuck no. I served ten years in the marines up until Black Mesa, I love my country, and I loved serving it, even if my last combat mission was sort of a shit show that went against everything I stood for. If I had the chance to do it all again, I would do it in a heartbeat.” Rain Shine gently nodded.
“I see. That I suppose is good to hear.” She then looked to the creek that ran beside us for a second, turning back to me after, “And what are your thoughts on your sacrifice? You seemed rather intent on your belief that you spent a decade of your life serving in the military for nothing. You sounded rather distraught that you’ll never be able to finish what you started, and reap the benefits of your sacrifice on the homefront.” She asked, genuine concern in her eyes. I nodded solemnly.
“Yes I… I have come to understand that even though I won’t be able to finish my military career, start a proper family, or have kids of my own, the time I did spend serving in the marines was still time well spent. And on top of that I can find something here in this world for me to keep busy enough so that my life will have intrinsic value to me, and to others.” I responded orderly. A smile was brought to her face. She then spoke again.
“And your homesickness? Can you really leave your world behind and start a new one here?” She asks, now standing properly in front of me. I nod again.
“Yeah I don’t see that being a problem. I’ve got plenty of friends here that I can call family. Speaking of which, I should spend more time with them once we’re done. I think hanging out with them, and only just them, will make me feel even more welcome here.” I say looking off towards the village. Rain Shines eyes widened up a bit more, her smile now getting bigger as her spirits were lifted ten fold.
“I… I don’t know what to say, normally ponies take much, much longer for breakthroughs like the ones you’re having. Are you sure you don’t want to talk about this anymore?” I shook my head.
“No… I… I think I’m good. Unlike some in my line of work, and, maybe you can understand this, but some people may not be proud of the things they did during war time. They may have seen some things they didn’t like, did things they regret, saw people they love die or get gruesomely disfigured. And while I have seen death in all it’s gruesomeness and ugliness, it doesn’t hurt me like it might hurt others. I’ve built a sort of shell around myself. A shell that has, for the most part, help soften the blow of the terrible shit I’ve seen and done. It was forged in basic training, and hardened in combat.” I placed my hand over my heart.
“Now, this shell won’t come off easily and I don’t want it to come off. Because as it stands I don’t regret anything I did, at least I don’t think so. Sure I’ve killed people, and seen people die, and smelt the rot of death. And naturally, something like that might haunt normal people for the rest of their lives, understandably. But with this shell I've built around me, I just see it as war. War is war, it’s a terrible thing but in my mind, it's necessary to keep evil in check. Of course no amount of therapy can fix seeing things like that, no offense to you of course, I know you’re trying your best. But the people I killed, I killed for a reason, it was either me and my battle buddies or them. And if I was the other guy I’d be thinking the same thing. But I’m not the other guy, I’m me, I was faster than him, therefore, I push on.” I exhale hard as I tap my foot anxiously, looking at the ground.
“I’m sure there will be days when the things I’ve got banging around up here will seep through the cracks in that shell and will come to haunt me properly and, when that happens I’ll come to you for help.” I saw Rain Shines head pop up a bit, looking back up at her. “But until then, I’m good. Embrace the suck…” Suddenly Shines head jolted to the side as her ear twitched.
“W-What was that last bit?” She asked, confused.
“Embrace the suck.” I said again.
“W-What does that mean?”
“In military jargon, this means to consciously accept or appreciate something that is extremely unpleasant but unavoidable. In this case, I am embracing the world around me, and forging my own path. It’s not the path I’d prefer, but maybe I can do something about that in the future. Make sense?” Shine nods.
“Yes I believe I do understand now, and while that is a very… interesting manner of speaking, I believe I have had to, in the past, embrace the suck… as you say.”
“Really now?” I say as I started walking again, moving around Rain Shine as she followed, “Do tell.” I asked with intrigue. I heard her clear her throat.
“Well this was… A long time ago, but like I said I have had to deal with similar circumstances much like yours. I was too a… soldier of sorts.” A nod and a cocked brow permeated from my face. I suppose I was due an answer as to how she could understand my blight. Perhaps now was a good time for that answer.
“You were a soldier?” I asked, Rain Shine joining me side by side.
“Yes. I was at one point a soldier. I served in a massive army, and I fought alongside many mares and stallions the same age as me. For years I hoisted a sharpened blade to my enemies, and I fended them off with deadly precision. And in that time I as well have… seen a thing or two. Probably some things that even you wouldn’t believe. I wore heavy steel armor, that clanked and chaffed horribly, in the day and night. In the hot summer and cold winter months it weighed me down, and while I eventually got used to it, building muscle and strength as we marched, I never got used to the husked rice we ate. It always tasted horrible no matter how me and my Buntai cooked it. The only thing I looked forward to during meal time was the tea. Sencha tea, the same tea I brewed for you these past few days.” I was amazed. While the cultural differences and possibly even time gaps were there, the experience was much like my own.
“W-Wow… I had no idea. I mean, I kinda did but at the same time I didn’t. You really are a soldier, which means at some point in this world's history, there were wars.” Rain Shine snickers.
“Oh there were many wars. More than I can count. So many in fact that there could have been wars happening around me that I wasn’t even aware about. Life was much different a long time ago. I fought many different types of ponies, and Kirin. Honorable warriors who fought with a code of conduct, and untamable barbarians who destroyed everything in their paths. Everyday was something new and if I’m being honest, I miss it.” My head spun and turned to her.
“You, miss it?” I asked, stunned again. She sighs tirelessly and nods, her voice sounding tired and pained.
“Yes… I miss the times I spent doing what made me feel alive. Beyond combat, I did amazing things for my country. I saw the far edges of this beautiful land. I witnessed oceans that go on forever, mountains with snow covered peaks that pierce the sky, forests that can swallow and hide whole armies, and cities much bigger than my village.” I quickly spoke up.
“Then why don’t you go back out there and see it all again?” She grinned and exhaled through her nose quickly.
“Times change Adrian. I have a village that I promised to look after and keep safe. I have Kirin that need protecting. As much as I’d love to go out into the world again, I can’t.” We kept walking, as a silence grew between us. I then spoke again.
“What if… The village wasn’t an issue?” Shine looked at me with a confused look on her face.
“What if? Well… If this village wasn’t here, and I was free to roam. There’s no doubt I’d go and see what’s out there again. I mean as I said times do change, who knows what's out there now?” I nod as I listen carefully. “But as it stands… I have a job to do, and I can’t abandon my Kirin to go gallivanting out in the wild like I want to.” She said, a hint of sadness in her voice. I was feeling kind of bad bringing this up. Seeing her sad just felt wrong to me. So I figured changing the subject was a good idea.
“Right… Yeah I guess we all have jobs. Me? I work at the market.” Rain Shine lets out a single chuckle, her face coming around emotionally.
“Yes I suppose you do, quite the delivery filly and handy human you’ve become.” She complimented jokingly as both she and I shared a brief laugh together.
“Yeah I have, haven't I? I mean it is an honest living, and it builds a strong bond between me and the Kirin around me. Hell I can even find my way around the village rather easily now because of it. I know where Autumn and her friends live. I know where Short Change’s farm is. I know where you guys grow your cotton and rice, and I even know about the Kapuseru Fountain.” Rain Shines laughing grows a bit more, her pained expression quickly fading.
“My you really have been absorbing a lot haven’t you? I’m impressed. Have you had the chance to visit the library?” I think back.
“Sadly no, but to my knowledge there isn’t much info available there, Fern said anyway.” Rain Shine rolled her head and nodded.
“Ah yes, the kirin with a hundred questions, she is quite the book worm, much like her friend Sretica. Of course Sretica likes to experiment and explore new things and ideas in a more disassemble, and reassemble kind of way while Fern on the other hoof, likes to keep her snout in her books. They’re both some of our brightest minds, so it's no wonder they’re Autumn’s friends.” Rain Shine gently giggles light heartedly. I joined her in this.
“Yeah… And that Autumn Blaze… She is something else. I can see why you chose her to work alongside you. Her unwavering excitement and openness to new ideas makes her a very lovely Kirin to work with. You have my thanks, without her I don't think the rest of the Kirin would have accepted me.” Rain Shine propped up her chin a bit as I complimented her. The sadness of her remembrance quickly died as it was replaced with pride.
“Why thank you Adrian, I’m glad my instincts served me well. Course I had no doubt in her abilities but it is nice to hear from somepony else that she was the right choice.” Rain Shine looked proud in her statement, a confident smile was worn on her face. It was clear that Rain Shine cared about Autumn, and I could see why. That mare had plenty of potential. But potential for what, I wasn't sure. Regardless it was always nice to see Rain Shine in this sort of confident light.
She always looked so… self assured and accomplished this way, which I liked for some reason. She was never one to act cocky, but when she did, it was for the right reasons. Especially if it made her look good in stature, physically and metaphorically. I… admittedly liked that about her. Plus whenever she talked her voice sounded like melted golden liquid sunlight was being poured into my ears. I couldn't help but want to listen to her more. I could listen to her talk day and night, her voice was addictive, plus on top of that she cared about me, cared for me, and made me feel welcome around her.
Since we started talking and meeting with one another I've felt this… weird attractive force while being near her. Something was drawing me to her, making me come back every day, and I didn't mind it. In fact I enjoyed it, I enjoyed being with her. I couldn't put my finger on what this strange force attraction was, yet I kinda didn't care. She made me feel safe, physically as well as emotionally and to me that's all that mattered. She was like a big fluffy pillow I could hug and squeeze into with my words… and my arms. After all, Rain Shine was the only Kirin here that I felt truly understood me, and with that came my trust. Maybe that's what the attraction was, me placing my trust in her enough to open up to her. It made sense, but I felt as though there was something deeper here, an even bigger connection between the two of us. Every time I was with her I felt as if I could open up to her like an audiobook, practically spilling everything inside of me out in front of her. It made me feel strange inside. A good kind of strange. The way she helped me on top of that, helping me come to my conclusions, felt rewarding. Like without her I wouldn't have been able to come to those, now quite obvious answers, on my own. It was as if I was missing something and she was filling that hole...
I heard the sound of industrial machinery echoing around me, their many moving parts squeaking and droning making up the atmosphere around me. I blinked a few times and walked down that same corridor, my boots echoing louder than the machinery. Back here again in dreams, in Black Mesa, only this time everything felt normalized. There was no demonic presence, no… gore filled nightmares… no nothing, it was as I remembered it when I first saw it, drab and lifeless, soulless even. I looked down to myself and I saw that I carried no weapons, no armor, no protective implements whatsoever. And while I would normally have a panic attack at this, I did not. I placed my hands on my pants belt, and kept on walking worry free. It felt good to be out of my armor and just in my BDU’s for once. It was a massive weight off my shoulders, emotionally, but very much physically. I blinked a few times as I kept on moving forward down the hall, unafraid for what was to come. I looked to my right, and to my left, and saw that instead of looping back in on the same few yards of concrete, I was actually making progress. The scenery changed and as I moved further onward, I remembered this place.
It was the hallway I saw when I first landed in Black Mesa, after I met the scientist who was doing chest compressions on that dead marine. Turning around I saw the door to where that Scientist was. I approached the door and tried to open it but it was locked.
“So… you’re really going through with this, huh?” I heard a voice, one that was like mine. It sounded defeated. My head turned slightly to address it but only just, I wasn’t looking at it head on.
“Yeah.” I said bluntly.
“Do you… Really hate me that much?” The voice came. I squinted in confusion.
“Hate you? Why would I hate you?” I responded, my voice emotionless.
“Why? Isn’t it obvious? It’s because you’ve gone to great lengths to shut me out, bury me, conceal me in your mind. Do you really hate what the Corps did to you? Do you really hate all the things you’ve done that much?” It was at that point I turned around and addressed the mirror which stood before me. However, he wasn’t black and white like usual, he looked just like me, color and all, except he still wielded my weapons and wore my armor. I stood my ground.
“I don’t hate the Marine Corp, you got it all wrong. I hate Black Mesa…” I said to myself. The mirror looked down for a second, then it turned away, it’s head bowed slightly as it avoided eye contact with me. It looked ashamed.
“Yeah but, you made it sound like, and you believe that…” I cut it off.
“That my country betrayed me? That they betrayed their people? That they committed mass genocide on themselves for the purpose of corterizing a wound? That they made us kill our own people for making a simple mistake? Yeah… I made it sound like my government was a terrible group of people. And as far as I’m concerned they are a terrible group of people. But, I know why they are a terrible group of people. I know why they did the things that they did and, I hate them for it plain and simple. A government can’t bat a thousand everytime, they make bad choices that affect different people in different ways. It just happens that I was the one being affected here, and I’ll hold that against them. But they know that, there will always be someone to disappoint.” The mirror slowly looked back up at me.
“So what, you just… Hate America now?” It asked. I shook my head and walked over to him, taking him under my shoulder. We walked down the hallway together.
“No no man… I don’t hate America. I just hate my government, that's all. You can love your country and hate your government, that’s perfectly okay, but you need to stand by what your country stands for if you’re going to take that stance. You can’t change what it means to you based off your own personal preference, you need to take everyone into account. And you can’t change what the country stands for either, you need to fight for those principles and stand up against your government and hold them accountable for their mistakes. If you don’t then they’ll never learn and they’ll get away with it every time.” The mirror speaks again, it’s voice sounding a bit happier.
“Heh, even with your politics you still choose to fight.” I nod and smile.
“We all should, everyone should, it’s one of the many rights they were given when they were first born. Every human, or creature in the case of the Kirin, has the potential for great violence and destruction. But choosing whether to be peaceful or harmless against tyranny is a choice. Being harmless negates you as a threat, being peaceful means you have the ability to cause harm.” The mirror looks at me confused again.
“Why… Are you telling me this?” I asked.
“Well I am choosing to be peaceful. No longer shall I carry a weapon while I walk among friends. No longer shall I wear armor to keep my friends away from me. And no longer shall I wear my mask to hide my face. I fear not the weather any longer, I shall leave these tendencies at my tent. But, I will never let my kit out of my sight, for it may not be tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or next year but one day, one day I might need to carry that weapon again to defend someone or… many someones.” The mirror speaks up.
“What? We’re fighting for the Kirin now?” I shook my head.
“Nah, we’ll be fighting for what’s right, and we’ll be repaying my debt to Rain Shine.” I say with vigor. The mirror stares at the ground again as we continue to walk.
“Are… Are we ever going home?” It asked solemnly, I stop walking and look down too. I stare at the floor, unsure how to answer that. “I… I miss mom.” It says. I close my eyes to keep tears from falling, nodding my head as I pull the mirror closer, rubbing it’s shoulder.
“I know you do, I miss her too. But, I don’t think, in our current state, we’ll ever see home again. So, I’m sorry. No.” The mirror pushes away from me, and stands there for a minute. It’s head then looks to the wall, before it’s body follows. It moves close to it, and presses it’s back into it, before sliding down into its legs, now curling up into a ball.
“I… I wanna go home…” I look at the mirror, and move over to it. I follow the same path it took, and slowly slide down next to it. I sat there sitting side by side with it for a while, the two of us embracing the silence and the fact that we will never go home, the fact that we’ll never see mom and dad again. I then break the silence after a while.
“It’s okay… I want to go home too. But, we have a family here that we care about now.” I say trying to perk up it’s spirits, it doesn’t work. It just coils in a bit more.
“How can you say that? They’re animals, they aren’t even human, they’ll never be like mom or pop, they’ll never be a proper family to us.” It spits back. I sigh in a slightly defeated tone.
“Look, I know it ain’t perfect. Nothing is going to be perfect at least for right now but, these Kirin care about us,” I say letting out a single chuckle, “for whatever reason.” The mirror looks over at me as I start to talk.
“Autumn Blaze, that excitable little chatterbox. Her free caring and nature loving heart fills my own with happiness, even when I’m down she has energy to go around constantly and I can’t help but feel happy around her. Fern Flare, that mare with a thousand questions, and a thousand books. While she might be shy, she doesn’t stay that way for long once you open up to her, and she’s always got something to say that always sounds so intelligent, that you can’t help but listen to her ramble once you sit her down. She always knows something interesting and I could listen to her read for hours.” Now the mirror was looking up at me.
“Petris Inferno, the honest man of the group. He’ll always say what’s on his mind, with or without a filter, even if what he has to say isn’t pretty. And while he may say what he wants, whenever he wants, and how he wants to, he’s actually a great debater as he’ll always wait for the other pony to stop talking before he gives them his rebuttal. So neat and concise he is, his house mirrors that greatly, everything has its own place, neatly laid out for him so he knows where everything is. And no matter what, he always seems to have his head held up high, and his chest puffed out even further. He’s got an iron will that stallion.” Now the mirror turned to me, relaxing a bit.
“Sretica Flames, the know it all troublemaker. While she is always first in line to admire new technology, she’ll be in the same place in line when it comes to using said tech to play pranks on ponies. And while it might get annoying for some ponies, especially when she bursts into conversations or interrupts others while they’re trying to speak, I know she doesn’t do it intentionally. She just wants to be included in things, and I can understand that, afterall we were like that when we were younger if you can recall.” The mirror noded and rolled his head as he remembered.
“And of course, how can I forget the hot headed Salvinia Glare. She’ll make a great soldier one day, that's all I really gotta say about her. She’s always the first one to protect her friends, and she’ll always stay loyal to her village and her community as everyone should. And of course at times, she’ll act out brashly or have trouble expressing the more, heart tugging emotions from time to time but, she always manages to apologize for her actions if she knows she’s done wrong. Like I said, she’d make a great soldier, or at least I think she would anyway.” The mirror nods as it looks away, it’s legs unfolding as they sprawled out in front of him.
“Y’know… I guess you’re right. I guess these Kirin really can substitute for a family. But nothing will beat actually going home and seeing mom and pop.” I agreed, “But, I guess maybe I am willing to give them a shot if you are.” I turned to him, and I nodded.
“Yeah I am.” I said bluntly.
The two of us stand up and dust ourselves down. We stared at each other for a moment, before the time had come.
“You know what I have to do now right?” I asked the mirror. He nods silently. “I know this gonna hurt but. It needs to be done.”
“Look… As long as we’re happy I’ll endure.” I said, and I smiled.
“I am happy, for the first time in a while actually.” I couldn’t see it, but the mirror was smiling just like me.
“Then do it.” It demanded. I looked over to the wall on my left, and I saw the red bordered glass break alarm for a Black Mesa fire sealing emergency door. Looking back to the mirror, I noticed he was standing on the other side of the massive blast door like a threshold. I then knew what I needed to do. I slowly raised a fist, staring at it for a moment, before I looked back at the mirror.
“You know this isn’t goodbye, I might need my more violent side to come back one day.” I reasoned with it. It nodded to me and pointed at the glass.
“Just… Do it, don’t think about it too much. When you need me again, just come back, alright? I’ll be waiting. Forever.” It smiled again beneath it’s mask. “Now c’mon, you have a family, remember?”
I smiled back, and without hesitation, I smashed the glass, and pushed the button.
