First published
Scootaloo's friend Button Mash is ill, and hasn't told anybody else yet. Scootaloo must live with this secret, even when Button decides it's time to take his own life. Even though it was only an attempt, Button's actions make a big impact on the school.
Scootaloo looks for solace anywhere she can find it. She re-visits places that have meaning to her, as she tries to figure out Button's point of view.
Scootaloo stared blankly at her hooves, wondering what she’d just done. Wincing as she choked back tears, she used her right hoof to inspect her left arm. Breathing slowly, and calmly she inspected the damage she’d just done.
“What did I do?” she asked herself in the silence of her room. Her ears fell flat against her skull. She closed her eyes and ground her teeth tightly for several minutes. Finally she caught her breath.
Earlier that day Scootaloo heard from Apple Bloom that Button Mash was found in the bathroom that morning foaming at the mouth. One of the other school-colts found him there convulsing on the floor and screamed until Cheerilee came running to the scene. The teacher rolled Button on his side as he vomited on the floor. She sent the other school-colt to get help. All she could do was keep Button’s airway clear and wait for a doctor to arrive.
“Ah heard he was tryin’ tah… ya know,” Apple Bloom gestured her hoof as if she were cutting her own throat.
“No, Apple Bloom. That can’t be what happened. I’m sure he’s just sick or something. I’m sure he’ll be okay,” Sweetie Belle responded. Scootaloo sat silently listening to the conversation happening around her. Her eyes teared up slightly, but it could have easily been mistaken for allergies.
“I… I have to go guys. I’ve got um. I’ve got a thing with Rainbow Dash,” Scootaloo lied to her friends as she ran away from the schoolyard. Apple Bloom raised a brow and Sweetie Belle started after her. Apple Bloom used a hoof to stop Sweetie Belle from going anywhere.
“She’s got a crush on him, ya know. She’s just gonna go visit him in the hospital I bet.” Apple Bloom informed her.
Scootaloo ran to her room and grabbed her scooter. She hopped on it and rode as fast as she could to Button Mash’s house. She dismounted her scooter, and approached his house. Scootaloo carefully snuck into his window, as she had so many times before in the past few months. One hoof hit the floor, and then the other. She practically fell onto his rug and tumbled to his desk. She landed on her back and her head hit his desk. As his desk rattled from impact, something fell off of it onto her abdomen.
“As…. Aspruh… Aspirin,” Scootaloo sounded out the word in disbelief. A nearly empty 500 count bottle of aspirin was now sitting on her stomach. She swallowed loudly and opened the bottle. Counting slowly she found only seven tablets of aspirin were left. She stood up and rifled through his desk. She found a receipt for the aspirin that was dated from yesterday. Her jaw fell. Her friend had indeed tried to kill himself that morning.
Scootaloo made her way back out of Button’s window with the nearly empty bottle of aspirin. She put it in her saddle bag and mounted her scooter. She rode through Ponyville, and out into the fields before Sweet Apple Acres. Wind blew through her mane as she ground her teeth. She was riding faster than she thought she ever had before. The feeling of air hitting her so sharply made some of the hurt go away. She stopped by a particular tree about fifty yards from the pathway she was riding on.
“I can’t remember how many times we walked to here in the middle of the night. Button… what have you done,” she hugged the tree, seeking whatever comfort it might have to give her. Over the past few months, she’d started hanging out with Button Mash. It started with just playing video games together. They would take turns and give each other pointers. Eventually, Button started inviting Scootaloo to spend the night. They would go for 2AM walks, joking and enjoying the scenery. Everything was so cold and quiet at night. They both enjoyed the solitude together. Scootaloo giggled to herself in a moment of clarity.
“How did we enjoy this quiet, aloneness… together?” It seemed quite silly, but it was much nicer to be alone with a friend. She wiped the tears from her eyes. After getting back on her scooter, she made a slow journey back to her room.
Once Scootaloo made it to her room, she took the bottle out of her bag. She stared at it for several minutes, unable to have a coherent thought. Slowly, she felt less sad. The confusion and anger were replaced by sheer apathy. She could see herself in front of her. It was like on of the games she'd played with Button Mash, except she didn't really seem to be in control. Her body didn't move for several minutes. Her muzzle seemed to quiver slightly. She saw herself walk to her desk and rummage through it's drawers. Her hoof briefly held a bottle of ibuprofen before replacing it in the drawer. After rummaging some more, she came across her multi-tool.
Scootaloo watched as her right hoof opened the tool to it's smallest blade. She stared at it for several moments, cocking her head to the side. It was if she was looking at it inquisitively. She sought answers in the reflection of the blade, not noticing a single tear fall onto it. Before she could react she saw her right hoof moving the knife to just above her left. She was slicing open her own skin. The blade entered easily after the initial rip of skin. Once it was in it dragged easily through more. After making a three inch horizontal cut along her wrist, she proceeded to make two more, each easier than the last. They weren't quite parallel, but they were all close together and not touching. Oddly enough her only thought at the moment was disappointment that they weren't perfectly parallel.
Blood slowly dripped down her hoof as she began seeing through her own eyes again. She chuckled slightly at first, thinking the cut's slight slant gave them more character. They looked better that way. Why had she been disappointed by that a moment ago? It was at that thought when she realized that she wasn't the only pony that would see them. The pain came flooding in all at once. Her left arm began to sting and she became increasingly aware of the blood that was dripping on the floor.
About a month ago, Scootaloo asked Button a question. It was three in the morning, and Scootaloo had snuck into Button’s room to play Grand Theft Cart on his PC.
“Bang bang! That’s why you never want Button Mash to answer the scene of the crime!” Button mash exclaimed as he shot everyone involved in the robbery. He was playing a police mod and shooting anyone who commited a crime.
“Wow, Button. Overreact much?” Scootaloo said with a playful smirk.
“You know you like it,” Button responded calmly, noticing her smile.
Scootaloo noticed the Band-Aid on Button’s rump, and another on the back of his hoof. He’d gone to the doctor’s again. This was at least the fifth time that month.
“Hey, Button… Can I ask you something? And, you like, not get mad?” she asked quietly and seriously.
“Sure. What is it?” Button replied.
“Are you, like, terminally ill?” Scootaloo asked softly.
“What? What makes you ask that?” Button said in a strange tone, his ears fell flat. He promptly paused his game. He didn’t sound offended, but it was almost like there was a hint of sadness to his voice.
“Well, you keep going to the doctor’s. And you’ve been doing weird stuff lately. I don’t know that many ponies who spend all their time doing literally whatever pops in their head. Like ordering pizza at two in the morning. Or saying stuff like ‘Oh, well, everypony dies anyway.’ The other night, I woke up, and your face was covered in blood. You just shrugged it off and cleaned your muzzle. It reminds me of ponies that, like… are dying”
Button sighed, and swallowed softly. “I don’t know yet. My doctor says I most likely… Well, I do have stomach cancer. I just don’t know how bad yet. “
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Scootaloo replied as her eyes shifted downward. She shuffled a bit in place, staring at the floor.
“You can’t tell anyone. Nopony else knows. Nopony. Just me, my doctor, and you. Other ponies don’t need to know. They’ll just freak out about it,” he said. Then he was silent for several moments. “Besides, I’m ready”
Scootaloo furrowed her brow and pursed her lips, trying to grasp what that meant. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “What do you mean by… ready”
“Well, I mean, I always say 'everypony dies anyway.' Nothing matters. Everything is insignificant. So, if I know the end is near, I’m just going to bang and do drugs all day,” He smiled playfully, trying to lighten the mood. Scootaloo giggled at the thought of sex for a moment.
“I wish you wouldn’t think of it that way. I’m here for you. Whenever you need me, I’ll be here. Even if it’s just to talk,” Scootaloo offered.
“Trust me, talking doesn’t help the thoughts. Because it’s the truth. What does it matter if I die today, or if I wait? It’s going to happen eventually, and nothing I did will matter,” Button looked away and unpaused his game. The two took turns playing, and didn't mention the illness the rest of the night.
Scootaloo stared at the blood. Color draining from her face. Her ears drooped and tears slowly leaked from her eyes. A soft gasp escaped her. Limping, she snuck into the bathroom. Using her right hoof, she opened the cabinet and grabbed some bandages. She wrapped them tightly around her wound, applying pressure. Once she finished she taped the bandages in place. She raised a brow and inspected her first-aide work. No blood was leaking through the bandages, so she concluded she had successfully stopped the bleeding.
"Well, that doesn't look suspicious at all," she scoffed at herself. Attempting not to limp, she returned to her room. She went to her dresser and opened her workout clothes drawer. She moved aside all the hats and headbands, looking for one item in particular. "Come on, where is it?" She huffed and frowned before slamming the drawer shut. Tapping her right hoof on the ground impatiently, she gazed about the room and caught a glimpse of something blue under her bed.
Scootaloo's eyes opened wider and she smirked. Reaching under her bed, she found a blue wristband with a Wonderbolts symbol on it. Rainbow Dash had bought it for her last time they went to watch the Wonderbolts perform. She carefully slid the wristband over her bandages and made sure it covered them completely. Practicing trotting on her newly injured arm, she went to her mirror. She looked at herself from all angles, trying to convince herself that the wristband didn't look fishy. She was already confused by what she'd done, and certainly didn't want anypony else asking questions about it.
After investigating herself to satisfaction she went and hopped up onto her bed. She let herself fall down on her side, and stayed there how her body fell somewhat bent in half. Scootaloo spent several minutes just staring at the wall blinking, not a single though in her head. No emotion showed on her face. She was breathing slowly and regularly, but other than that she did not move. It was almost as if she were detached from herself and all thought. She didn't feel. She merely existed.
After about an hour he sighed and rolled over. Scootaloo closed her eyes and covered her muzzle with her arm. She felt the warmth of her breath on her arm. A cool breeze rolled into her room from her window. She could hear it whistle and feel it's cold brush through her fur. She could feel the sheets on her bed beneath her, and the thickness of the mattress push back against the weight of her body. The clock ticked as always, and it began to annoy her. After realizing she could sense all of these things around her, anxiety began to creep back in along with all her other usual thoughts and feeling. She became Scootaloo again, no longer detached.
"I need something sweet to eat," Scootaloo thought. "That'll help."
Grabbing her saddle bags and a few bits, she left her room and mounted her scooter. Using her wings to propel her, she traveled swiftly to Sugar Cube corner.