Celestia's newly employed legal advisor tells a few of his more interesting stories. A sequel/spin-off to 'My Family and Other Equestrians.
Having served as Celestia's legal advisor for some time now, Roger has been caught up in quite a few major incidents in, and outside, Equestria. From major trials, negotiating treaties, pursuing fugitives, and even journeying down into the depths of Tartarus itself. He now has quite a few stories to tell.
My name is Roger. I’m a human. I’ve lived here in Equestria for the better part of two years now. Not by my choice of course. Hell, I hadn’t even thought this place real until I found myself waking up in the Everfree Forest alongside my wife and children. Through some random act of chance, good, or bad fortune, the four of us were inadvertently propelled through a sort of rift; a tear in the fabric of space time. I don’t exactly remember where I was when it happened, though I presume I must have been at home, but whatever it was sent us here, to Equestria.
We struck lucky landing in this world. Equestria is a peaceful nation, and we were fortunate enough to land not too far from a nearby town; Ponyville. My son knew a fair bit about this place from watching a cartoon show based on it. Don’t ask me whether or not we are still real or not though, the idea of being in a fictional world plays havoc with your head.
Anyway, he led us out of the forest, more or less; the bugger was having a whale of a time whilst the rest of us were quietly panicking. Luckily, our arrival did not go unnoticed, a few ponies from the nearby town, including a certain young princess, were sent out to investigate the phenomenon that had brought us here; as I later learned, when it discharged, the phenomenon created a sizeable bang.
I suppose I should point out the one crucial detail that helped in that first meeting; you see, for reason still unknown, my son was turned into a pony, a unicorn to be precise. Me, the wife, and my daughter remained human, but he was turned into the four foot tall, magical equine. Anyway, regardless, Twilight and her friends helped us out of the forest and took us to their town. We were holed up there for a few days until Princess Celestia; the head honcho, could see us.
We then travelled to Canterlot, the capital, to try and see about getting us all home. While this whole thing hadn’t been overly unpleasant, I was still looking forward to getting back. Sadly, neither the princess, nor her younger sister, was able to do anything there and then, since the rift was not something they knew much about.
So, the four of us were left to, for the time at least, make do and mend. We did our best to adapt to our new circumstances. The wife and I lived with Twilight for a little while, though eventually, with some financial aid from the princesses, we found our own house. My son settled in with the Apple family on their farm, and proceeded to live out his frontier ranch fantasy. And my daughter, who had been living with Fluttershy since day one, moved in with her permanently, helping out looking after the menagerie of animals that the pegasus cares for.
We all also did our best to find gainful employment. While the princesses had provided us with a small sum to help us onto our feet, neither my wife nor I were going to simply wait for a way home to appear. As a retired teacher, my wife managed to get herself a job at the local school with Cheerilee, and she teaches a class of around twenty students. I, however, had a more interesting gig.
Before I ended up in Equestria, I was a semi-successful solicitor. I worked in criminal law mind you, not one of those ambulance chasing leaches. I was the senior partner in my own firm and had been for nearly twenty years. As such, you might expect that I had a harder time finding a job, what with Equestria’s crime rate being what it is. However, in the event, I was the second one of my family to find a job; my son having been working for Applejack at Sweet Apple Acres since we arrived.
You see, Princess Celestia holds court each day, meeting with everypony from foreign dignitaries, right down to private citizens. And, while she may be over a thousand years my senior, she still calls on advisors to help her. When we were first introduced by Twilight Sparkle, I remarked to her on my interest in the court she held. As a result, Celestia allowed me to attend court full time whilst we were in Canterlot. My knowledge of the law, combined with my less naïve attitude to legal matters, convinced Celestia to take me on as her legal advisor.
I don’t think it was merely an act of kindness, although I’m sure her famous maternal affection played a part in her decision. In any case, I found myself employed again. I spent several weeks sitting in on court full time, learning the ropes and adjusting to this new world. Before long, I was made a permanent advisor to Celestia, effectively making me a government minister. Quite an advancement for a small time solicitor that used to work the magistrate court.
And so, my life settled into a routine again. I am stuck here, that is for sure. We were given an opportunity to return to Earth when the rift opened again not long after Christmas. But due to the dangers posed to all by a crossing attempt, it was decided that it ought to be sealed. After all, by that point we had built quite a life here, and it seemed foolish to give it all up.
By this point, having worked in the castle for around a year and a half, I’m something of an institution. I’m well respected, have lots of friends, including princesses, guards, and one almost certainly insane draconequus, and I still have my family with me. Still, life in Equestria is rarely dull. And my job has seen me go on a fair few little adventures. I’ve made case law, pursued fugitives, visited other nations, interviewed hardened criminals, and even seen the odd villain try to take over, or even destroy Equestria.
What follows is just a few of the more notable incidents. These are my tales from Day Court.
Chapter 1 - The Consequences of Blowing Up a Weather Factory
It had just turned to November when the next notable incident hit. In another month or so it would be Hearth’s Warming, the ponies’ version of Christmas, again. The castle staff were already fetching out the decorations, trees, lights, banners and decorations of all kinds. Celestia even liked to set up a phonograph in the throne room sometimes to pipe in some Hearth’s Warming cheer. On occasion, we were even treated to live music, when Octavia or somepony else from the Canterlot symphony, played for Celestia.
It was just before nine o’clock. I had just gotten in by my usual train. With the imminent weather change, it was a possibility that I would soon be making the trip via chariot, should snow block the line.
That is another thing that is odd about ponies, though it is something I’ve learnt to accept. The pegasi here, in addition to their ability to fly, also have the ability to manipulate the weather, moving clouds and so on, so everything is entirely organised, rather than being based on random chance. In the summer, they ease off on the rain and raise the humidity a bit. For autumn, they lower the temperature, increase the wind speed, and begin to introduce the odd shower. And come December, thanks to the technicians at Cloudsdale’s weather factory, Equestria is covered in a blanket of snow. It was this that we were expecting in the next few days; Celestia herself had signed the authorisation not last week.
“Morning gents,” I called to the two Royal Guards who were standing watch on the front gates. I quickly flashed my identification to them, not that they needed it. There was only one other human on the whole planet after all.
“Good morning, sir,” one of the guards replied. I actually recognised the pair now that I looked closer. This was Duck and Cover, both good friends of mine. Having worked here so long, I am starting to get good at identifying guards despite the enchantments on their armour. “Day Court is just about to open, sir. I suggest you get a move on.” Duck then returned my pass. It’s amazing how professional these two can be when the occasion calls for it. I distinctly remember seeing them both drunk as lords at a party my wife and I threw a few months back.
Glancing up at the clock, I saw I was running a little behind and quickened my pace. The first thing that happened at every Day Court was the official opening. Celestia had a number of advisors who could be called on for various issues. However, everypony had to appear for the court opening first thing.
Making my way up the steps and through the large, open, and deceptively familiar looking hallways, I headed for the throne room. Here I encountered another pair of guards. These two were much higher up the food chain than the previous two, and did not care to make idle conversation. Celestia was, despite her immense power, still a potential target. And, with the memory of the Changeling incursion a few years ago still fresh in everypony’s minds, security around the throne room was tight. As I approached, the pair blocked my way, crossing their very sharp looking spears.
“Halt, who goes there?” the one on the left demanded. Again, I fished out my credentials from my coat and handed them over.
“Roger Owen, Legal Advisor to Her Grand Royal Highness Princess Celestia. I’m here to attend the opening of the Day Court,” I stated. The two carefully examined my ID, before returning it.
“Alright, sir. You know the drill.” Opening my arms wide and widening my stance, I allowed one of the guards to scan me with a spell. It was similar to going through a metal detector, only it did far more than a machine did.
“No weapons detected,” the guard said. “No poisons or toxins. No infections or diseases. No radiological emissions. No magical anomalies. No illusion magic.” He nodded to his companion and the pair parted, opening the door for me.
“You are clear to enter, sir.” Nodding to them both, I made my way into the throne room.
It was a long room, with a lush red carpet running from the door to the throne upon which Celestia would sit. Currently it was empty, as the princess had not yet arrived. To my right were the various stained glass windows which depicted various events in Equestria’s history. Some of these had recently undergone repairs and replacement, due to damage sustained when that bastard, Tirek, broke into the castle following his escape from incarceration. I knew a fair bit about most of them by now. There was Princess Luna being freed from the influence of Nightmare Moon, Discord being turned back to stone for a second time, the successful rout of the changeling incursion, the return of the Crystal Empire (a protectorate of Equestria), and lastly, the repaired image of Princess Twilight ascending to alicorn-hood, and Tirek being defeated by her and the other elements.
Gathered in the room were the various advisors that aided Celestia. I merely covered matters of the law, though sometimes I think I have a bit more influence than others. For some reason Celestia seems to trust me more than her other advisors. I don’t think anypony else regularly takes tea with her, Luna, and Discord after all. In addition to myself, there were advisors on finance, defence, education, and foreign affairs. In effect, she had what could be likened to a Privy Council.
However, rather than all meeting to discuss national policy and other matters, we were each called individually. In each session of court, Celestia would meet with anypony who sought an audience with her, from private citizens to the leaders of other nations. In the event she required advice on a particular matter, an advisor such as myself would be summoned to the throne room for the duration of the petition.
My initial experience had been somewhat different. Given how I got this job in the first place, I needed to learn court proceedings quickly, so I sat in on most court proceedings for the early part of my career, taking notes and learning the ropes as best I could. After all, I had to learn the laws of Equestria, which were at times greatly different from those I was familiar with.
At that moment though, my reminiscing was interrupted as a trumpet blared. As all of us stood up, with my own frame rising higher than any of the ponies, Celestia herself entered. Wearing her usual crown, horseshoes and regalia, she settled herself down in her throne, before motioning us all to be seated.
“Good morning to you all,” she greeted warmly. We all returned with our own greeting and bowed. The princess then outlined the itinerary for the day; aside from the usual wave upon wave of petitioners, there were typically some pre-booked meetings, usually with important dignitaries, such as ambassadors, representatives of cities and regions across Equestria, as well as the nobility.
There was nothing particularly major on the books today. Of course, as I said before, we were expecting an imminent change in the weather. The Equestrian Royal Summit was due in a few months also. And of course, there was the still on-going talks between Equestria and representatives of the notoriously isolationist Yakyakistan, with a possibility of them opening up again to trade with us. But for today, it was all quiet. Unless I was unexpectedly called to court, of which there was a decent possibility, all I would be doing today would be catching up on paperwork.
You would have thought living in a land of sunshine and rainbows, where magic rules the day, and good always triumphs over evil would be a great experience. However, despite Equestria’s storybook nature, it still required a vast bureaucracy to run. Everything I did, every petitioner I advised on, every case I oversaw, all had to be written up, signed, dated, and filed away.
Given how busy things had been around here recently, I had a fair bit of catching up to do in the free time I had available. I had to write up my acceptance of Ms. Lulamoon’s appeal request, and prepare for the fallout if she was released early. Then I had to tally up my expenses for the month; train fares, lunches and so on. Then I had to begin looking through the case files for upcoming cases for this month. There wasn’t too much though. Equestria is fairly peaceful after all. It’s rare you see a crime severe enough to get kicked up as far as the castle.
Then again, fate is a funny thing.
I first became aware of the distant rumbling when some of my stationary began to fall off of my desk, and the portrait of the two princesses also dropped to the floor. Getting up, I could feel the entire palace shaking.
“What the hell?” I asked myself as I looked around for a source of the disturbance. It felt like an earthquake, but we were well away from any fault line. Heading over to the large open window in the office, I looked out.
It was clear everypony else was feeling the effects to. Down below, guards were already rushing to stations and preparing themselves. These guys were known for their bravery. They’d all, on their own volition, stood up to Tirek when he attacked the castle, and they’d gone toe to toe with the changelings a few years back. They’d even done what they could to shield the princesses from Discord the first time he got out.
Further down in the city, I could see ponies starting to panic. Luckily though, all the buildings seemed to be holding up. Though I must admit, knowing that the city was perched precariously on a mountain left me feeling a little worried myself. I still couldn’t see anything though that would suggest a cause.
Just then, the door to my office burst open and a guard came galloping in. It was Buttercup, one of the bailiffs from the court, a massive pony you wouldn’t dare trifle with.
“Roger!” he called. “You’ve got to come see this! Cloudsdale’s going crazy!” Without offering any further explanation, he headed out of the room, with me following as fast as I could.
My office in the castle looked inward; that is, it overlooked the city of Canterlot, rather than the valley beyond. So when I was working, I couldn’t see Ponyville or any other town out that way. It was this view Buttercup wanted to show me. The hulking earth pony skidded around the corner and came to halt at one of the large panoramic windows that punctuated many of the large open halls in the castle.
“Look, can you see it?” he asked, gesturing with an outstretched hoof. Looking out, I could see only two major features, the valley below Canterlot, and the floating city of Cloudsdale. The latter of the two was the pegasi capital, and also home to the weather factory which created all the rainclouds, snow clouds and other phenomenon that were required to change the season. I’d actually been there once and gone on a tour of the place with my family and Rainbow Dash. It’s an amazing, and beautiful place.
Right now though, the place looked to be in some kind of distress. The weather factory itself was emitting all kinds of clouds, along with a fair amount of smoke. Even from this distance, I could hear alarms going off, and just about make out pegasi tearing out of the place as fast as they possibly could. Something had gone very wrong up there.
“What on earth is going on up there?” I asked Buttercup. The earth pony shrugged and shook his head. “Beats me, sir. But they’re sending some of our guys up there now and some rescue teams.” I saw a formation of pegasi guards leaving the castle and heading for the factory.
“Right, come on,” I said. “Let’s get to the throne room; see what the princess wants us to do.” And so, the two of us ran hell for leather towards the throne room to get instructions from the princess.
The throne room was already filling up when I got there. Celestia herself was now ringed by a group of guards. Everypony though, Celestia included, was looking out as Cloudsdale, which was continuing to rumble and cause frequent tremors. Whilst she didn’t look frightened, as she had when she had closed the court during Tirek’s escape, she did look very concerned.
As we continued to look on in confusion, it happened. The weather factory all but exploded. I had a sickening feeling that I might be witnessing Equestria’s version of Chernobyl; only in this case, it was a massive outpouring of weather.
A few moments after the blast, we saw the result. A huge, and I do mean huge, snowball. It rocketed out of Cloudsdale and began to fall in a steady arc toward the ground. Watching it fall, it was clear that ground zero was going to be in the valley below us. Bracing ourselves, we all watched the spectacle unfold.
As the massive snowball neared the ground, it began to lose its shape, turning into a large blanket. And then, it hit the ground. In an instant, the entirety of the valley below was covered in pristine white. There was enough mass so that even some areas in the lower part of Canterlot were affected. Still, with that final impact, the shaking stopped and Cloudsdale appeared to be in one piece. Although the weather factory looked to have taken a beating; with a huge breach visible even from here. Whilst we were all still shocked by what happened, given that there was no immediate danger, we were ordered back to work. However, Celestia did temporarily close the court while she waited for news from Cloudsdale and Ponyville.
For the next few days, very little happened. Investigations took place all over and statements were taken from anyone who saw what had happened, myself included. However, the only result at first, was the report that there had been some sort of malfunction in the snow labs. This had caused a build-up of snow far beyond normal levels. Eventually, the containment vessels couldn’t handle the strain any longer and had ruptured. This caused a chain reaction that caused the whole system to fail, ejecting the produce out through vents, windows, and doors. The question though, was what had caused the initial malfunction.
I got the answer a few days later when a new file landed on my desk. Most legal cases were the defendant against the crown, only those cases were deemed important enough, as they usually affected more than one area or were extremely serious crimes. However, this one was more local. The charges were being brought not by Celestia or Luna, but by the ‘Congress of Cloudsdale’, this was Cloudsdale’s local governing body, akin to a local council. It was also a holdover from the old pegasi military junta, but that is beside the point. What was important, was the name of the defendant.
“Rainbow Dash?!” I exclaimed incredulously. There had to be some mistake surely? As captain of the Ponyville Weather Patrol, Rainbow Dash had nothing to do with the weather factory, she just looked after whatever was sent her way. Hell, she was my daughter’s boss. Flicking through the file I looked at the charges.
“Trespassing? Criminal damage? Destruction of private property? What in the name of…” This had to be some sort of mistake; a typo or something. This was Rainbow Dash, a respected officer in the Weather Patrol, an Element of Harmony, and a bloody national hero! Grabbing the file and tucking it under my arm, I quickly left my office and headed for the throne room to see Celestia. This had to be some kind of cock up.
As I half walked, half jogged to the throne room to see if I could get a brief meeting with Celestia, I looked over the files I had; witness statements, investigation reports, as well as photographs. From what I could gather, Rainbow had for some reason, attempted to ‘hold off’ winter. She’d briefly confined her activities to Ponyville, but given that all winter weather was produced at Cloudsdale, she later headed there. Somehow, she had gained access to the building just as the shifts were changing. She’d then gotten into snow production and thrown a literal spanner in the works. That was what had initially caused the malfunction.
Consequently, the resulting near catastrophe was being blamed on her alone. The weather factory had been badly damaged by the explosion of snow and weather. It was only good fortune that the snow didn’t cause significant damage when it made landfall. At a first glance then, the evidence was overwhelming. Okay, she wouldn’t be going to jail; any lawyer worth his salt could claim some degree of diminished responsibility (she was trying to stop winter after all), plus the charges were really only trespassing and criminal damage. Even if she was convicted, it would probably be a hefty fine and a community order.
However, any fool could see this would not be a pretty sight if it came to trial. Putting a mare that has played a crucial role in saving Equestria around half a dozen times on trial? There would be an uproar! While it fell outside my own remit, I figured there was a good chance Celestia, or perhaps Twilight, would be able to convince the Cloudsdale authorities to drop the charges and settle this quietly.
Reaching the throne room doors, I found the court quiet for the moment. Celestia was sitting on her throne, tending to some paperwork. A scroll hovered in front of her, whilst a quill danced around in her magical grip. As I walked up to the dais, she promptly dismissed it.
“Roger,” she greeted warmly. “I was expecting you to drop by. I take it you’ve seen the upcoming case Cloudsdale wishes to bring.” I nodded.
“Yes, your highness,” I replied. “Is there anything you can do? I mean, surely you can see this case is kicked. There’s no way we can let it all come to trial.”
“It is indeed a serious matter, my advisor. But I am not about to overrule a city’s right’s to redress. It is quite clear to me, and Twilight agrees, that Rainbow Dash did cause that incident. I cannot dismiss the charges simply because of her position as an Element of Harmony.” At that moment though, her eyes became cunning. “But I’m sure a good legal counsel, such as yourself, knows that that is only half the battle.” She smiled knowingly.
Now for the uninitiated, allow me to explain. Knowing that something happened, and proving that something happened, are two very different kettles of fish. The two of us knew that Rainbow had, in some way contributed to causing the incident at Cloudsdale. However, the case was not as watertight as it first seemed.
Firstly, there was the matter of solid evidence that Rainbow was to blame. As advanced as Equestria is, they have yet to develop the necessary technology to create closed circuit television cameras, nor do they have much in the way of forensic science. Hooves, after all, are not as unique as fingerprints. All that could be proven was that Rainbow was there around the time of the incident, and was subsequently caught in the blast. There were no witnesses that could testify to her guilt, nor was there any physical (surviving) evidence of her actions. The only evidence Cloudsdale prosecutors could bring to the table was her previous actions in Ponyville.
Secondly, there was the matter of intent. Had Rainbow done this intentionally, then the crime, and consequent punishment, would be quite severe. If I recall my old country’s ‘Articles of War’ on the subject of malicious intent relating to damage, the section ends with the oh so familiar phrase ‘…shall suffer death.’. However, if her intent was not to entirely destroy the snow producing department of the weather factory, then it was a case of negligence. Whilst still a crime, since her inaction or inattentiveness resulted in the damage for which she was blamed, neither the crime nor punishment was so severe.
As such, it was quite possible that I could argue that Rainbow’s actions were negligent, not malicious. While she would still be guilty of the crime, it would be far less severe and could be settled away from the glare of press cameras. I quickly summarised my argument to Celestia.
“You do make a reasonable argument,” she admitted. Straightening her posture, she gave me her orders “Alright, I will set up a meeting with Cloudsdale’s representatives. The two of us can meet with them tomorrow, show them the difficulty of prosecuting their case, and then I will see about settling the issue of redress. With any luck, we will be able to put this unfortunate incident to bed.” Bowing briefly, I then took my leave, returning to my office to begin preparing for tomorrow’s meeting.
I spent that night going over all my notes in preparation for the meeting. Undoubtedly, Cloudsdale’s governing body was not going to take this issue lying down. It would take a fair bit of negotiation and persuasion to convince them to take the deal we would be offering. Looking at things from a logical standpoint, it was in their interests to settle things quietly. Regardless of what happened, bringing Rainbow to trial would put them in hot water with a lot of ponies. Hell, the whole thing would probably descend into a ‘trial by media’, with the end result of the population being polarised on the matter. I’d seen that nonsense happen too many times, particularly in cases involving racial issues. And like it or not, this case had the potential to devolve into an argument between the three tribes. Stupidity always finds a way, after all.
As I continued to read through my own notes and the documents I had brought home with me, I felt my wife, who I thought would be asleep by now, tug on my pyjama sleeve.
“For goodness sake, it’s gone midnight. Will you please turn that light off?” she complained. To be fair, we had both gone up to bed at half ten, since we both had early starts the next day, and I was still sat up in bed, cramming like a college student. Taking a moment to set everything aside and remove my reading glasses, I leaned over to her.
“Sorry, I just want to be sure I have everything sorted for tomorrow.” At this point, everything was still very hush-hush. Not even Twilight knew yet. I’d hate to see Rainbow getting picked up by a couple of guards and hauled away. Don’t get me wrong, what she did was wrong, stupid and could have ended quite differently, but the way Cloudsdale was going about this was foolhardy. I explained this to she who must be obeyed.
“Pegasi have always been hotheads,” my wife replied. “It’s in their nature, the same way earth ponies can be stubborn.” Racial stereotypes aside, she was probably right. In a few months, most ponies would probably have forgotten about this whole mess. It was just a case of running damage control in the meantime.
Deciding that I could do no more, I placed the mass of notes back in their folder and placed them on my bedside table. I then leaned over and turned the light out. I was asleep almost before my head hit the pillow.
It was eleven o’clock the next morning when the officials from Cloudsdale arrived. They’d been booked into a slot in Day Court so that everything would be out in the open. Given the way this was hopefully going to be settled, it would be very easy to misconstrue it as a shady backroom deal.
Celestia sat in her throne as per usual, whilst I was seated beside her. As legal advisor, I would be there to ensure everything was done on the level and that all parties were fairly represented. Celestia would be doing the negotiating proper, whilst I would be providing back-up in the finer points of the law.
Cloudsdale sent a trio of officials down to Canterlot, each one dressed prim and proper for the court. Like me, two of them carried a hefty amount of papers, presumably case notes. The third pony however, wore a noticeably different outfit. Dressed in Weather Patrol blues, with a couple rows of ribbons to match, Captain Spitfire of the Wonderbolts walked up to the dais with her two associates and bowed.
“Princess,” Spitfire greeted neutrally.
“Spitfire,” Celestia replied, more warmly. “A pleasure to see you again. How is your mother, Stormy Flare? I haven’t seen her since the last Wonderbolt derby.”
“She’s well, thank you, your highness.” It seemed that small talk was not one of Spitfire’s strongpoints.
“Now, I understand you wish to bring charges against one of your own,” Celestia began. Rainbow had made it into the Wonderbolt reservists not too long ago. She’s been trying for years to get into the legendary squadron somehow. I just hoped that it wouldn’t be used as leverage today.
“Princess, Rainbow Dash caused a massive explosion that all but destroyed half the weather factory!”
“Allegedly,” I replied. Celestia turned to me, pretending to have just noticed my presence.
“Ah yes, of course, you two haven’t met. Captain Spitfire, allow me to introduce my Chief Legal Advisor, Roger Owen.”
“Captain,” I greeted, nodding. The fiery pegasus mirrored my actions.
“He will be advising me on all matters relating to the law in this case.”
“I doubt you’ll need much in the way of advice, princess. Rainbow Dash is as guilty as could be. The mare went crazy, held up half a dozen operations in Ponyville, and then went on to blow up the weather factory.”
“And what proof do you have of this?” I enquired. Spitfire seemed mildly offended. Like Rainbow, she could be a bit of a hothead at times.
“Proof? There’s a giant hole in the Weather Factory!” she exclaimed.
“That doesn’t prove that Rainbow Dash caused it, though. If you wish to bring her to trial, you must first show cause.” Having laid the groundwork, Celestia now stepped in.
“Indeed, I cannot have a pony arrested on another pony’s say so,” she said. “You need witnesses, physical evidence; something that eliminates reasonable doubt.”
Spitfire turned to her two associates. Evidently, they had been expecting a positive answer from Celestia, consequently they were not well prepared. Well, that’s what happens when you try to run before you can walk. Celestia however, continued.
“I understand that Cloudsdale requires some form of redress. I have seen the damage reports myself. But I fail to see how prosecuting Rainbow Dash would help.” At this point, one of the two suits spoke up.
“Our plan was to have her make restitution via monetary payment, your highness,” he said meekly. Celestia merely raised an eyebrow in response.
“You know how much a patrol officer makes, do you not? It would take years of payments to fix everything.” By this point, Spitfire could see how the land lay.
“Alright, princess. What do you suggest?” she asked. Celestia smiled and her temperament softened.
“Cloudsdale will receive proper redress. However, the crown will put up a portion of the funds. Sufficient at least to begin repair work and have the snowflake labs repaired in time for next winter. The rest will be taken from Rainbow Dash’s salary as you requested.” Spitfire’s expression showed her keen interest. “If you agree, I will send word to Princess Twilight, who will pass it on to Rainbow herself. Twilight has assured me of Rainbow’s full cooperation. This can all be settled out of court and without the difficulty posed by a public trial.” Celestia paused a moment, before hammering the point home.
“Of course, if you wish, you may petition me to take the matter to trial. But your case is far from watertight. And in the event of a not guilty verdict, my hooves would be tied on the matter.”
Spitfire sighed, I expect that she wasn’t looking forward to a trial either. I certainly don’t want to think we backed her into a corner. Celestia after all did mean what she said; if need be, she would take the case to trial. Spitfire briefly conferred with the two suits. They were getting a pretty good deal, Celestia would take most of the financial strain, Rainbow would be justly punished for her actions, and repairs could be completed. At length, Spitfire addressed us.
“Alright, we would be willing to accept that deal. Once everything is official, Cloudsdale will drop the charges.” Celestia bowed her head slightly in response. With that, the three ponies left the throne room.
“Well, I think that went rather well,” I said after the throne room was empty again. Celestia merely nodded, undoubtedly moving dozens of political chess pieces around in her head. Everything after all has the potential to affect everything else. A minor incident, such as this one, might be used someday against her, and so she carefully planned ways to counter such eventualities.
God, I’m making Celestia sound like some sort of emotionless psychopath, aren’t I? She is, in any case, skilled at playing the political game though. Having been at it for over a thousand years on her own, I imagine that she sees quite a big picture. And to be fair, particularly around the nobility, you do have to be careful with the moves you make. At length, Celestia spoke up.
“As well as can be expected, I think. It’s one less issue to think about. If it’s not too much trouble, could you go over things with Rainbow when you head back to Ponyville?” I nodded.
“Of course, princess.” With everything sorted and settled (I’d write up the paperwork later), the princess rose from her throne and signalled the guards to close the court for its usual recess.
“I suppose now would be a good time to take a break for lunch.”
Several days later saw me sitting at my desk in my office. Twilight had passed word of the deal on the table to Rainbow Dash. Already quite embarrassed about her emotional breakdown/psychotic episode, the pegasus was happy to agree to the temporary pay cut, even going so far as to send a letter back to the princess, via Spike, thanking her.
With the incident officially signed off on, done and dusted, and otherwise dealt with and never to be heard from again, I turned my attention to more important matters.
The door to my office, usually open, or at least unlocked to allow ponies to wander in and talk to me, was now closed and double bolted. There was even a guard stationed outside the door, with orders to turn away anypony bar the princesses. I was sitting in my comfortable swivel chair, staring down at the large file on my desk. A manila folder stamped with various warnings such as ‘Secret’, and marked with the emblem of Royal Guard’s Intelligence Section. Opening the folder up, having put the correct three digit code into the tumbler padlock on the side, I read over the first page.
There was a photo of a pinkish unicorn, with a purple and aqua stripped mane. A second photo showed two cutie marks, one being that of a shooting star, and the other being a rather ominous looking black equals sign. Under the attached photos was the mare’s full file.
Her name was Starlight Glimmer. At present she is listed as number two on the Royal Guard’s most wanted list, just behind the renegade changeling Queen Chrysalis. We didn’t know much about her; records were sketchy at best. What we did know however, was that she was dangerous. Twilight and her friends had been sent by their magic map contraption to deal with her. When they got to the spot it indicated, they found an entire village subjected to her communist-like Equality philosophy. Attempts to stop her resulted in them briefly losing their own cutie marks. Her MO seems to be to remove them, and consequently a pony’s special talent, their individuality.
Luckily, they had managed to get loose, retrieve their marks and freed the town. Starlight however, had taken off running, and disappeared into a nearby cave network. Having pulled a Tora Bora on us, Starlight had been on our watch list ever since. Hell, according to Shining Armor, the blood in the Intelligence Section was supposed to have been ankle deep when it came to light that her actions had gone unnoticed for so long.
Anyway, as Celestia’s legal advisor, my job was to both build a case against Starlight, and help in the running of the manhunt. In a sense, I act something along the lines of a district attorney. Although it is rare that I actually prosecute cases; most of the time I’m more of a referee for both sides. But as this was a matter of national security, Celestia was pulling out all the stops.
So far though, Starlight had proved most elusive. We’d had possible sightings of her all over Equestria. And God knows how unreliable eyewitness testimony can be. We knew she was out there though, and almost certainly planning some kind of scheme. So it was better we caught her sooner rather than later.
Don’t get me wrong, she was by no means evil, she was certainly no Tirek. Having read her psyche profile, I’m fairly confident that she’s sane too. She was just…misguided in her actions. Her goal on its own sounded noble enough; it was just her means that lacked such qualities.
Closing the file again, I reattached the small combination lock to the outside, thereby stopping anypony else from looking at it, and placed it into one of the lockable draws in my desk. Given how well guarded this information was, it needed to be kept secure. With that done, I got up to go and unlock the door and release the guard outside. The poor sap had to have been standing there for the better part of an hour.
“Alright, Quick, you can head off…” I suddenly realised I wasn’t talking to Quick Strike, but somepony much further up the food chain. “Oh, Shining, what brings you here?”
Captain Shining Armor is the boss man of the Royal Guard, as well as the Prince of the Crystal Empire by virtue of marriage. Most of his time was mixed between his own new kingdom with his wife, Princess Cadance, and working from his own office here in the castle. His job description certainly didn’t include basic guard work.
“Sorry to surprise you,” the large white unicorn replied. “I dismissed Quick when I got here. The princess wants to see you, urgently.” My brow furrowed.
“And you needed to tell me this instead of one of the guards because?” I asked curiously. Shining’s eyes darted nervously.
“All I can say is that it involves Tartarus,” he said.
Now, for the uninitiated, Tartarus is Equestria’s version of Hell, sort of. There’s no fire and brimstone and no real devil. It’s a vast prison complex, intended to hold the very worst and most dangerous villains in the world. At least, those that weren’t put in their place by the Elements of Harmony. Tirek is held down there, now in a much more secure cell than before. The whole place is guarded by a giant three headed dog called Cerberus, though I personally I prefer to call him Fluffy. Nopony goes down there, if you’ve managed to wind up in Tartarus you are deemed beyond redemption, and most are condemned there for eternity. So, if Celestia wanted to see me about that literal hell hole, and had sent Shining down to fetch me, it had to be important.
“Alright then,” I said, still somewhat concerned. “Let me just lock up the office, and I’ll be right with you.” Shining nodded and patiently waited as I locked everything up and grabbed my briefcase. He then turned around and began to escort me. I had expected that we’d be heading to the throne room, but knowing that route well, I quickly realised we weren’t heading that way.
“Hey Shining, I thought you said Celestia wanted to speak with me. The throne room is back that way.” I gestured off to our left. Shining merely shook his head.
“The princess wants this meeting to be private, Roger. She’ll see you in her chambers.”
Now that was unusual. Celestia’s personal chambers are one of the most private areas of the castle. While she may open up the dining room to guests, the only ponies allowed into her own chambers are the maids who clean the place, who are carefully selected by the princess herself, and Princess Luna. If Celestia wanted to see me there, it meant whatever she had to say was decidedly sub rosa in nature. Literally, the only other pony I know who has ever been in there is Twilight, back when she was a filly and Celestia’s personal student. My gut began to do summersaults.
We finally came upon the large doors. They were a tad smaller than those of the throne room, but still imposing, with an image of the sun carved on them. Taking a breath, Shining rapped on the door and waited. A moment later, the doors opened and Celestia appeared.
“Ah, Roger, excellent. Do come in.” The tall white mare stepped back to allow me in. She then turned to Shining. “Thank you, Shining. That will be all.” The more junior prince briefly bowed.
“Yes, your highness.” He then left without another word. Presumably, he had other matters to attend to. As soon as I had crossed the threshold, Celestia closed the doors behind me.
Celestia’s personal chambers are opulent to say the least, and certainly befitting a mare of her wealth and station. The place was divided up into two main rooms. Firstly, where I entered, a lounge crossed with a study. Here there were cushions, the pony equivalent of chairs, a desk, several bookshelves and a large open fireplace. Up in the far corner, I noticed a small perch, presumably for Celestia’s pet phoenix. Beyond that, through a half opened door, I could see her bedroom, though of course, we weren’t going in there.
The princess led me over towards the fireplace and settled herself down on the large cushion. Tucking her forelegs under herself, she briefly lit her horn and brought in a chair more suitable for myself.
“Please have a seat, my loyal advisor.” It was not an order from a princess, it sounded, as is often the case with Celestia, more of an interaction between friends. I nonetheless quickly sat myself down. I waited for her to explain why I was here.
“I’m sorry to pull you away from your duties, as well as the odd circumstances. But this issue is something that needed to be discussed privately. You understand?” I quickly nodded, whatever she had to say, I was sworn to secrecy.
“Yes, your highness.” Celestia let out a peel of laughter.
“Please, Roger. We are not in court. You may drop the formalities for a moment.” That relaxed me a little.
“Alright, Tia,” I replied, switching to the informal name I was permitted to call her. “What’s all this about then?” Celestia leaned forward before she spoke.
“What do you know about Tartarus?” she asked. I provided a brief summary of my knowledge, possibly sounding a little like Twilight, for it made her smile.
“It’s this world’s underworld; where all those creatures who are dangerous to everypony else are kept imprisoned. It’s guarded by Cerberus, who keeps all the inmates in. Tirek’s locked up down there, as well as few other dangerous villains.” She seemed satisfied with that answer.
“Good. Now, you may know that the reason Tirek escaped his imprisonment several months ago, was due to Cerberus wandering off from his post.” I nodded, thinking that we ought to consider finding a better watchdog. “That was rectified by having Twilight’s friend Fluttershy go down to Cerberus every now and again, to ensure he doesn’t get lonely.” The image a meek, timid Fluttershy making a fuss of the giant, snarling, three headed dog almost made me laugh out loud.
“So Cerberus stays where he is, and nothing gets out of there,” I said. Celestia nodded.
“Precisely. However, despite all that, I’ve had quite a few ponies coming to court recently, voicing their concerns about security down there. The general consensus is that somepony is needed to go down there and ensure each prisoner is still where they’re supposed to be.
“A night watchman?” Again she nodded. I could see where this was going. “You are asking me to regularly go down to Tartarus and check everyone is still there?”
“Yes, I am asking you. You are free to decline, of course. I had previously asked Discord if he would do it. With his powerful magic, he wouldn’t be in danger from any of the inmates. However, he refused.” That was odd. I would have expected the semi-reformed draconequus to at least be mildly interested in the opportunity. I thought for a moment before the obvious hit me.
“Tirek, right?” Celestia nodded. Discord despises Tirek for his betrayal and for the harm he did to him and his friends. He went to see him once with me shortly after the incident. He’d told him then that he had no intention of killing him, but would torment him for the rest of his days. It was the one and only time I’ve ever seen Discord appear truly evil.
“He only said that if I let him down into Tartarus, he wouldn’t be held responsible for his actions.” Needless to say, Discord’s chaos magic gives him quite the gift when it comes to annoying ponies, it could easily be turned to something darker.
“I suppose then that I am the next logical choice. With no magic, I’m less vulnerable to the likes of Tirek. And I’ve got experience dealing with hardened criminals. Plus being an alien, I’m less likely to be affected by magic and other anomalies.” Tartarus, to my mind, holds actual criminals. In Equestria, minor crimes are treated much more seriously due to the more peaceful nature of the ponies, whereas some of the denizens of Tartarus are genuinely dangerous, even by human standards. After mulling it over, I decided to go for a middle ground.
“Alright, Tia. I suppose I can do a trial run of your idea. See how things work out. I can guarantee that my wife won’t be too happy about this though.”
“Rest assured that everything will be done to ensure your safety,” Celestia replied. “If you like, I will come down with you this first time.” That took a bit of weight off, you always feel more relaxed when you are with a pony that’s a few steps away from omnipotent.
“Yes, I would prefer that, Tia.” The princess nodded, though her face still showed concern.
“If you are happy to then, we will head down there in a few moments.” That caught me a little off guard. “Before we do though, there is another matter.”
“Oh, what?” I asked.
“One of the prisoners in Tartarus has requested to speak to you,” Celestia said.
“What?!” I exclaimed. “When? How? Hell, why?”
“When Fluttershy last tended to Cerberus, she found a note tucked into his collar. It was addressed to me. They asked for you by name, saying that they wanted to ‘chat’.”
“Which inmate is it?” I asked, now quite alarmed. Aside from Tirek, nopony should know of me down there. Hell, not even Tirek knows my full name.
“Sombra,” Celestia replied. I’m fairly certain my skin paled noticeably.
“King Sombra? He’s dead,” I replied. “Has been for years; since before we got here. Bones told me. He was blown to bits by the Crystal Heart.” Celestia shook her head and explained.
“A small part of him, the tip of his horn, survived the blast. He sacrificed most of his magic to regenerate himself. As you said, we all thought him dead. But when Twilight and the others used the Elements against Tirek, and created the magical wave that swept across Equestria, it picked up Sombra. For whatever reason, it deposited him in Tartarus, as it did with Tirek. Announcing his survival would only cause problems in the Crystal Empire. So, Luna and I decided to keep him a secret; a ghost detainee, if you will.”
Celestia’s explanation left me shocked. Sombra, the former King of the Crystal Empire, was definitely up there on the dangerous villains list. Potentially, he was much more dangerous that Tirek, or even Discord. More to the point, what in Equestria could he want with me? There was only one way to find out.
“Okay, Celestia,” I said eventually. “Let’s do a trial run with this business. We can go and see what all this is about.” Celestia smiled.
“I admire your courage,” she said kindly. “Though I assure you that you will be quite safe.” With that, she cast a powerful spell. A beam of golden light shot out to the far wall, opening a sort of gateway I suppose (Bones is the magic expert, not me), allowing me to see the entrance to Tartarus. With her usual grace, Celestia stepped through and waited for me to follow.
And so I stepped forth; into the jaws of death, into the mouth of Hell.
Unlike the human counterpart that I was brought up to fear as a child, Equestria’s Tartarus is actually quite chilly. There’s no fire or brimstone, nor endless torture, suffering and damnation. It’s actually quite quiet for the most part. I suppose that after a few centuries even talking to yourself becomes boring.
Celestia led me along one of the many bridges that connect the many cells to each other. Some, mainly special guests like Tirek, are out on their own on little islands. But most are in cells built into the rock itself. As Tirek was, and remains the only one of these fruitcakes to successfully get out, we would check on him first. Plus, while I know she would never admit it, I think Celestia would like to see Tirek again, considering on their last encounter he threw her in here.
Bastard.
I’d visited him once already, and having seen him in such a pitiful state, any hope he had of frightening me had long since evaporated. Whatever Twilight and the others had done to him, had resulted in him being rendered magically inert, a state previously thought impossible by magical science. As such, he was so weak that even Blueblood could probably take him in a fight and win.
As we got closer to his spot though, I began to hear faint chirping sounds. As if there were a flock of small birds down here. Of course, that was impossible. It wasn’t until we saw him in his cell that we realised what was going on.
Surrounding him, and doing all they could to harass him, was a small army of books. Yes, books. Except these particular volumes seemed to have come to life, and were flapping around like birds, chirping and calling as they went. Evidently, Discord had gotten bored of his previous torment and had come up with something new.
The centaur looked up as we approached, holding himself up by the bars of his cage. Judging by the haunted look in his eyes, these ‘birds’ had been here for some time.
“So, first you sic your little lap dog on me, and then you come to mock me personally. Is that it, Princess?” he sneered. As we walked up, the birds fell silent, landing on the cold floor of the cell.
“No, Tirek. I’m here to introduce you to your new friend.” Enjoying the moment, I waved at him.
“Hello again, Tirek. Enjoying a good book are you?” The centaur merely snarled. Celestia continued.
“He will be coming to see you once a month to check on you, as well as the other prisoners down here.” I couldn’t help but feel smug as I looked down on the battered centaur.
“Mark my words you miserable magicless ape,” Tirek seethed. “One day, I will get out of here. And when I do, your ‘children’ will be the first to fall.” I rolled my eyes at the idle threat. Even if by some miracle he did get out, it took him months to build up enough energy to take on the frailest of unicorns. And he’d get the bullet long before then.
There was no real point trying to make conversation with him. All you would get would be more shouted threats. Still, I made an effort. I leaned down and looked the withered demon in the eye.
“You touch them,” I whispered darkly. “And I’ll snap your neck.” Celestia didn’t react, though Tirek noticeably backed away. I allowed myself a small smile as I rose back to my full height.
He didn’t scare me, and all I had to do was come down and check he was still there, and still kicking of course. I mean, okay, to look at, he is quite unsettling. But if you listen to him for five minutes, and his tiresome rhetoric about how useless friendship is, he becomes quite tragic.
As we walked away, his shouting was drowned out as the avian books returned with a vengeance. I wonder what Discord will choose when he grows bored of them. Perhaps I can impart to him a few Greek myths. Prometheus maybe?
With Tirek done, Celestia and I continued through Tartarus. None of the creatures down here leapt out at me as being too dangerous. Like most jails, there was the odd one that tried to grab you or throw things, or simply yell profanities at you. Easy enough to ignore. Eventually, we had worked our way back around to Tirek’s little island. A little way beyond, there was a bridge that led into the rock face.
“Right, that’s almost everyone dealt with,” Celestia said. “You seem to be confident enough to handle this on your own.” I nodded in agreement.
“Yes, Tia. I think I can convince the wife that I can handle this. Most of these guys are no more dangerous than what you might find in the local cells on Earth.”
“Excellent. I will of course wait for your final decision. Now last of all, you will find Sombra’s cell just down there.” She gestured with a gilded hoof to the path into the rock. “I shall wait here until you are done.”
“You aren’t coming in?” I asked curiously. So far Celestia had led me around this place without even batting an eye, even walking up to Tirek as if it was nothing. It seemed odd that she would be frightened of a unicorn a little over half her size.
Oddly though, instead of replying, Celestia’s face took on a far away, almost nostalgic look. Her usual mask slipped for a moment, and I saw a pony who had clearly lost somepony close to them; somepony they cared deeply for. I don’t like to pry into ponies’ private lives, but evidently there was some history between her and the dethroned unicorn king.
“No,” Celestia replied. “Sombra does…not take kindly to me. If he sees you with me, it will affect his reaction. If he wishes to speak to you, it means he wants something. I’m rather curious to know what it is.” Seeing that she wasn’t going to follow me, I began to make my way along the path and into the cave beyond.
I had quite a few ideas of what Sombra’s cell might look like. Like Tirek, his is considered a special case and treated appropriately. Still, I expected a prison cell, which was not what I got.
Walking along a short tunnel, I came out into a large open cave. The side of the cave that I entered from was mainly featureless, apart from a few odd torches giving off an unnatural light. Across the centre of the room, large metal bars separated me from the prisoner within.
However, the other side of the room, the actual cell, was a stark contrast to the rest of Tartarus. It was a palace, literally. It was as if I had walked into the throne room of the palace in the Crystal Empire, only there were a few cosmetic changes, with crystals being black obsidian rather than their usual clear glass, and the stained glass windows having different designs.
Sitting on a throne atop the dais was Sombra himself. He was a tall stallion; Luna’s size, or there about. He was long legged, making him appear a little gangly, reaching about five feet tall, including his horn. In contrast, my son was around 4’6, whilst ponies like Shining or Big Macintosh were 4’8 or 4’9.
He still wore his crown, armour, and the blood red robes of a monarch. His horn was not the usual fare, but looked like an inverted fang, grey at the base and turning red as you neared the tip. The only thing that didn’t tally with what I had read was his eyes. Whilst the irises were a deep crimson, the whites were their normal colour, and no purple vapour poured from the sides of the eyes. Looking around, I found a rock that resembled a chair, designed for a human. Evidently I was expected. I addressed the unicorn on the throne.
“King Sombra.” Addressing him by his title seemed like a good initial way to open relations. Sombra’s gaze shifted to examine me. Foolishly, I made the mistake of meeting that gaze, and inevitably lost the staring contest that ensued. He might be a foot shorter than me but he was nonetheless intimidating. Satisfied with that, he got up, walked down the large staircase, and stood just behind the metal bars.
“Good morning,” he replied. His voice was deep with a vague echoing quality to it. Yet somehow it managed to sound soft, cordial, and almost friendly “Have a seat, please.” He gestured to the stone chair behind me. I sat myself down; it was surprisingly comfortable.
“King Sombra, my name is Roger. You asked to speak with me?” Sombra smiled, exposing some sharp looking fangs.
“Ah yes, you are Celestia’s new legal advisor.”
“That’s correct, sir.” Silence prevailed for a moment. Eventually, I continued with my introductions.
“Is there something you wished to speak to me about? Advice on your situation, or appeals?” I asked. Sombra smiled again.
“I find you…interesting, Mr. Owen,” he replied cryptically. I took the obvious bait.
“How so?” I prodded. Celestia was right; he wanted something, but for the moment was merely toying with me.
“Oh, please, sir,” he replied, feigning offense. “You are new species to this world. There are only two of you in existence. I’m sure you have been approached by many a curious pony.” That was true, aside from medical research types and magical scientists, Lyra had taken a great interest in me, asking questions about every facet of humanity.
“Somehow I doubt that is the reason you asked me here,” I replied, letting annoyance creep into my voice. Sombra’s face took on a disappointed and slightly offended look.
“That was very rude of you, Mr. Owen.” He leaned forward, menacingly, almost touching the bars. “And I do so hate rude ponies.”
“My apologies,” I replied, bowing slightly. It seemed I would have to let him lead.
“That’s better.” He smiled at his small victory. “As to why I asked you down here, I simply wanted to meet you. After all, you seem to have a special place in the heart of that oaf Discord, and Tia too. I wanted to see what it is that gained their interest.”
“And what is that?” I enquired. Sombra however, sat silent for a moment and then changed the subject.
“Tell me, what do you know about me? What has little Tia told you?”
“You once ruled the Crystal Empire,” I began. “You enslaved the crystal ponies and forced them to mine crystals for you. However, you were overthrown by Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. You were banished to shadow and trapped in the ice of the Frozen North. But before you went, you placed a curse…” I didn’t get to finish.
“There is no such thing as CURSES!” Sombra bellowed, visibly enraged. His face was a mask of anger, and his eyes had taken on their more recognisable hue. Purple vapour poured from his eyes and his horn bubbled viciously. I stopped my narration and leaned back in my seat a little. A moment later though, the storm subsided. Sombra closed his eyes for a moment, letting them return to their natural state, and took a deep breath before speaking again.
“My apologies. That is a…sensitive topic with me.” Seeing my confusion, he elaborated. “In the study of magic, you will not find a single reference to curses, hexes or other enchantments. Such are things of children’s tales. They do not exist. I used my magic to seal away my empire, and block out the memories of the crystal ponies, but I did not put a curse on them. It irks me no end that so many minds today are polluted with such ill-informed drivel.” Rant over, he bade me to continue. After I completed my summary, he seemed much more relaxed.
“Good, very good. I think we are going to get along just fine.”
“I may not always have the time visit you, Sombra,” I replied. Sombra once again gave that unsettling smile, keeping eye contact for an uncomfortably long time.
“I do. I have oodles.” With that, he walked away from the bars and back towards his throne. He stopped at the foot of the stairs. I found myself looking around the throne room that Sombra inhabited.
“Impressive, isn’t it?” he commented, still with his back to me. “This is the throne room of the imperial palace. And just through there,” He gestured to an opening that led onto a balcony, “Is where I spend my time looking out onto the city below. Have you ever visited the Crystal Empire?”
“Once or twice, yes,” I answered. “Your craftsmanship is impressive.” I expected that to stroke Sombra’s ego a little. But instead, it made him chuckle; an unsettling sound. He turned around to face me.
“You don’t think this is real do you?” he asked. “Physical, I mean.”
“I assumed you’d spent your time down here carving it out of the rock,” I replied. I’d seen similar situations in other cells, though none had such detail or grandeur. Sombra though, shook his head.
“No, I am many things; a monarch, a gifted magician, a scientist, strategist, musician, cook, and chess player. But a sculptor is not one of them,” he said. “A simple enough spell really, an illusion.” Now I understood. My son occasionally used something similar when he wanted somewhere quiet to study. In his case though, he could only create a small sphere around himself. Sombra’s work covered the whole cavern. It made me realise his potential, even in his weakened state.
“So you recreated all of this? From memory?” I enquired.
“Memory is what I have, Mr. Owen, instead of the view.”
A short while later, I left Sombra’s cell and returned to Celestia. I decided that I had made some progress with Sombra. The entire meeting, he had been sizing me up, assessing me. For what, I was not sure. But his comment that we would get on well together piqued Celestia’s interest.
In any case, there was little to be done about it. For all I knew the dark unicorn was merely doing this to amuse himself; the whole thing could just be a pointless exercise. When we parted, Sombra had told me that he would contact Celestia the same way he had this time, when he wished to speak to me again.
The stallion unsettled me; he had all the hallmarks of a psychopath. Almost every emotion he had shown me had been a well-practiced act. I doubted that I had seen even a shred of his real personality. He had the trappings of civility, but underneath…God knows. I was certainly glad for the bars between us.
With my work done, Celestia led me back to Equestria, and we emerged back in the warm confines of her study. It was getting late by then, so she dismissed me for the day. I would discuss this new job with the memsahib, and if all went well, head down on my own next month.
My job as a legal advisor to Celestia extends quite a bit beyond merely court business. As an advisor, I can, and have, represented Celestia in any and all matters relating to the law. I serve as a second judge during trials. I assist in highlighting case law and making precedent. I sometimes even find myself dispatched out beyond the castle and Canterlot to appear in places on Celestia’s behalf. One of the more recent of these ‘day trips’, as I call them, saw me making a name for myself as something of a pony hunter.
You see, when there is a major criminal incident sufficient enough to draw the attention of Celestia herself, I will often be sent out to act as a point of contact between the local law enforcement and the government. I also, of course, often have to help ponies out in situations such as this. In effect, I have been, at times, something along the lines of a marshal.
Equestria does suffer from crime, though not as seriously as my own country did. As such, the seriousness of various offences is often inflated in Equestria, being treated much more seriously than most humans would treat them. A great example of this was the case of Troubleshoes. For a while, he was one of the most wanted ponies in Equestria. His crime? Damaging and disrupting shows all over Equestria’s rodeo circuit. It was my job to prosecute him.
It was a good month or so after I had last been down to Tartarus. King Sombra had not requested to see me since our first meeting. The incident still had me and Celestia puzzled. As for the rest of my new duties, I was beginning to find it less stressful. The wife initially wasn’t happy about it. In fact, she almost threw me out of the house, demanding that I not go through with it. Luckily, I was eventually, with a little help from Twilight, able to convince her that I would be safe, and would never do anything that put myself in harm's way.
I mean, let’s face it; Tartarus may be Equestria’s version of Hell, but it is quite a nice place. It was a far cry from places like Long Kesh, God knows I’d seen enough of that place to last me a lifetime. As a result, she eventually accepted the idea. Though of course, she still demanded that I be careful.
It was while I was in high spirits from this reconciliation that I was interrupted by Buttercup, one of the bailiffs from the court. He served as a messenger for Celestia whilst she was busy dealing with petitioners. The earth pony guard knocked on my half open door before coming in and setting a file on my desk.
“We’ve got him! We’ve got the Celestia damned son of a diamond dog!” he exclaimed excitedly, tapping the file on my desk with a hoof.
“Who?” I asked perplexedly, opening the file. The moment I saw the name, my eyes went wide. “No way. Are we sure it’s him?” Buttercup’s smile grew even more.
“Yes sir, we checked and double checked. It’s Troubleshoes himself!” I leaned back in my chair for a moment.
Aside from Starlight Glimmer, Troubleshoes was one of the major ponies on my radar. He wasn’t nearly as much a threat though. His crimes amounted to little more than destruction of property really. But for whatever reason, the stallion had been working his way around Equestria’s rodeo circuit (which is the same as back on Earth, only with no humans riding the ponies), and causing absolute mayhem; damaging stands, toppling hay bales, flooding the ring, and even ruining some of the acts and injuring a few ponies. As such, word had gone down that was to be brought in to Canterlot to stand trial.
But Troubleshoes had proved very elusive. He was always one step ahead of the Royal Guard and anypony else who tried to catch him. By the time we heard he was in a town, he’d either moved on, or already struck. It was now starting to affect the rodeos that were still to come, with many being cancelled. That included the one in Ponyville, much to Applejack’s and my son’s annoyance.
Now though, we had him. Reading the report from the guards involved, they’d picked him up in Whinnyappolis. I suppose he was trying to head north, maybe cross the border into the Crystal Empire. Protectorate or not, extradition in such a liberal state was no easy task. The guards had found him holed up in a local hotel. They’d made a move to grab him, but the blighter had taken off running. Luckily, the guard had used their numbers well, and set up a perimeter. Troubleshoes ended up running right into the trap.
He was quickly caught, arrested and clapped in irons. He was slated to be brought up to Canterlot tomorrow by wagon. Apparently, they couldn’t use a chariot; the earth pony stallion was simply too heavy. A fair enough excuse; the guy is a little bigger than Celestia, putting ponies like Big Macintosh to shame. It was amazing they’d actually managed to hold him down. Closing the file, I looked to Buttercup.
“This is great news. Inform the princess that I’ll begin writing up the indictment immediately. I should be ready for trial by Friday.” Buttercup quickly nodded and headed back to the throne room. This would be a major case and I needed it to be watertight as a mermaid’s brazier. This beggar had slipped through our hands, or hooves, too many times for me to lose him now.
The next day was Wednesday. I’d spent the whole time after Buttercup left working on putting a case together. Collecting all the evidence reports, witness statements; everything pointed to Troubleshoes. The guy was a guilty as Rainbow had been; only this time we could prove it. We were expecting him to be brought in at around four in the afternoon. It is quite a way from here to Whinnyappolis after all, especially by ground transport. He would then be taken to the dungeons downstairs and locked up until trial.
I jotted a note down on a post it note. We would need quite few extra guards for the trial, just to be on the safe side. I’d have to head to see Shining when I got the chance. Glancing at it, I chuckled at my terrible handwriting. I should have been a doctor according to the wife. Nopony can read my scrawl but me. Given my position, I think that’s quite useful. Hey, that’s what happens when you force a left handed boy to write right handed.
Unfortunately, all my work on the case was to go in vain. Everything was filed together, signed, and dated. It was all ready to be handed to Celestia for her to read to fill her in on the finer points of the case. And then Buttercup came in, this time looking absolutely miserable.
“Ah, Buttercup,” I said as he walked in, too busy to notice his demeanour. “I’ve just finished up the file for the princess. Can you do me a favour and take this to her? I need to go send a letter to Captain Shining Armor. We’re gonna need a few more guys like you if we’re going to have Troubleshoes in the palace.” Buttercup however, shook his head.
“That isn’t going to happen I’m afraid, sir,” he said sadly. I immediately stopped what I was doing.
“What? What do you mean?” Buttercup sighed.
“There’s been an accident, sir. The wagon carrying Troubleshoes went over in a mudslide. The recent rain must have caused it. Wagon and all went over into a ravine.” I was almost speechless.
“What about the guards pulling it?” I almost whispered. Buttercup nodded.
“They were lucky. Both of them managed to get loose of their harness. The wagon went over though, drowned in mud.” Then though, a thought occurred to me.
“What about Troubleshoes?” I asked. Buttercup blinked.
“I just told you, the wagon went over and got drowned in the mud.” I nodded and waved my hand
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get that. Did they actually find him though? Did they find his body?”
“Well no, sir,” Buttercup replied. “He’s gotta be dead though. Nopony could survive that mess.” I frowned. This was Troubleshoes. He’d gotten out of messes before. If Celestia was going to tell the rodeo big wigs that they no longer had to worry, I wanted to be sure first. I turned back to Buttercup.
“Is the princess busy right now?” I asked. Buttercup shook his head. “Good, I want to run something by her.” Then, without further explanation, I left my office and headed for the throne room.
“I need to head down there right away,” I said, addressing Celestia on her throne. She was deeply saddened by the apparent death of Troubleshoes. Even as a wanted pony, she still cared deeply for him, as she did for everypony in Equestria. It is amazing how much of a mother figure she can be at times.
“I’ve heard the reports myself, my loyal advisor. I fear that there is nothing you could really do. Even if he somehow survived, he would have been carried away by the river at the bottom of the ravine.” I frowned. I needed to get out there, just to put any doubts to rest.
“I just want to be sure, your highness. We’ve been pursuing Troubleshoes for months. I don’t want to run the risk of having him pop up alive and well after we told the rodeo owners everything was alright.” Celestia began to consider my request, her face settling on her ‘deciding’ mask. “Please, it will take a couple of hours at most. A few guards to help dredge the river bed. And we can at least give him a proper ceremony.” This seemed to sway Celestia.
“Very well then. I can respect your reasons. Take Captain Strong Shield with you. He will help coordinate the guards that are already at the ravine.”
“Yes, your highness,” I replied, bowing. I then took my leave.
Strong Shield is one of several guards I know well. He used to be a guard full time, but in the aftermath of the changeling incursion was transferred to training up new recruits. I am actually one of a select few to know his true nature. The unicorn stallion is actually a changeling himself, a former agent that turned to our side during the wedding. He still has some issues regarding that, which was why he was taken off regular duty. My son is friendly with him too. When Twilight taught him a few spells, she enlisted the guardsman to help teach him a bit of self-defence. After a frosty start, the captain warmed up to my boy and the two stayed friends, even after it was revealed who and what he was.
Long story short; he is a good guy to have your back. He’s a damned good fighter, he’s smart and a talented ‘unicorn’ when it comes to magic. In short, he’s an all-round good soldier. He would certainly make it easier to work with other guards. I headed down to the Royal Guard barracks, which was where he could usually be found.
Passing Shining’s office, which was currently empty as he was up north for the week, I began searching for the disguised changeling. All I had to do was follow the shouting.
Heading outside into the courtyard, I found myself near a guard obstacle course. A whole bunch of them were going through the course as a part of their training. Strong Shield was perched atop a ladder type obstacle, forcing an orange pegasus guard to get on.
“Come on, whelp, get up here! Come on, you’re too slow!” he bellowed. The orange pegasus continued to struggle, glancing down at the ground some ten feet below every now and then. “You climb obstacles like old ponies rut; did you know that, Sentry?” Ah yes, the old sergeant major, it suited Strong Shield down to the ground. He quickly picked up on Sentry’s nervousness.
“Flash Sentry, whatever you do, don’t fall down! That would break my bucking heart!” Finally, the pegasus reached the top, now he had to climb over the top and go back down on the other side.
“Come on, Sentry! Up and over, up and over!” Unfortunately, the pegasus seemed unable to move. Like all the other pegasi running the course, his wings had been bound to prevent their use, which would make the exercise easier. “What they buck are you waiting for, Sentry?” Get up and over!” Sentry still didn’t move.
“Are you quitting on me? Well are you?” Strong Shield bellowed. Sentry still made no response; frozen to the spot. A fear of heights maybe, without his wings to save him? Strong Shield quickly ran out of patience.
“Then quit you miserable load of changeling gunk! Get the buck off of my obstacle! Get the buck down off of my obstacle! Now!” Sentry, with his tail between his legs, began to descend. “I’m gonna rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of Equestria! I will motivate you, Flash Sentry, even if it short dicks every cannibal in Zebrica! Move!” And with that, the pegasus reached the bottom and ran off to the next obstacle. Strong Shield spotted me and he looked up and quickly trotted over.
“Well, Mr. Owen, this is a surprise,” he said, his friendly attitude a stark contrast to moments before.
“How do, Captain,” I returned warmly. “I’ve come to ask a favour of you. How would you fancy coming down to that ravine with me? I’ve been asked by the princess to go and confirm that Troubleshoes is out for the count.” Strong Shield barked out a laugh.
“Sure. My throat is starting to pack up a bit, I suppose,” he said jokingly. “But, me specifically?” I nodded.
“This princess asked for you by name. She said you were best suited to helping me work with the guards already out there. Shining’s up north for the week, so it seemed you were the logical choice.” Strong Shield pushed the brim of his helmet back a little.
“Well, it would be nice to get out of the castle for a day. Let me just finish up with these idiots and I’ll be right with you.”
Twenty minutes later, Strong Shield joined me on the landing platform. This was where all the chariots were stored, and where they entered and exited the castle. Settling into a small gold chariot, Strong Shield commanded the two ponies pulling it to take off.
On the journey there, which took about fifteen minutes, the two of us discussed the plan of action. I would be there as the princess’ representative. Once we’d found him, I would confirm whether or not it really was him, and then close the case. It wouldn’t be a long trip. It all just depended on where we found him.
We soon landed and Strong Shield took command of the guards in charge of the mess. Looking at what was left of the road, it was a miracle the two guards pulling the wagon had walked away unhurt. The whole road had been swept away when mud and rocks from the mountainside had started tumbling down. Everything had been pushed down the slope and into the river below.
“Alright, fillies, listen up!” Strong Shield called out. “We’re going to need to dredge the river. This fella is a legal bigwig from the castle. Until he finds and identifies Troubleshoes, I’m afraid we ain’t going home.” There was a groan from the assembled guards at the prospect of extra work that wasn’t soldiering. Still, they all complied. Strong Shield had actually already begun to head down the slope to examine the remains of the wagon. While down there though, something caught his eye. As the guards were heading down to the river with nets, he called up to me.
“Hey, Roger! You should come and see this!” he called out, catching everypony’s attention. Slipping and sliding my way down, and almost falling down a couple of times, I joined Strong Shield at the remains of the prison wagon.
“What is it?” I asked, trying to stay balanced and keep the mud off my suit. Strong Shield gestured to a set of marks in the mud. The hillside had been torn up when the wagon went down it, but this looked off. The marks were at right angles to the other ones. Something had moved sideways along the hill.
“See this?” he asked. “It leads back up to the road. I think he might have escaped before the wagon went in.” My heart jumped a bit. I had considered this a possibility back at the castle, but this wreck was so bad, it was hard to believe anypony could have got out; not even a pony like Troubleshoes.
“Alright,” I said at length. “Let’s go and see if we can talk to the two guards who were pulling the wagon. Maybe they saw something.”
A few minutes later, after scrambling back up the bank, we went over to the small medical tent that had been set up, and went to speak with the two ponies in question. A few interested guards followed us. The ponies quickly snapped to attention when Strong Shield stepped in.
“At ease,” he commanded. The two guards relaxed. “I just need to ask you two a couple of questions about what happened. Did either of you see exactly what happened to Troubleshoes?”
“I did see him kicking at the door for a second,” one of them piped up. “But he wouldn’t have been able to get out. The whole thing was rolling down the hill and covered in liquid mud, and the door was locked tight.”
“You two got away though,” Strong Shield commented.
“Well, yeah. But we were only attached by the harnesses. They have an emergency clasp to undo most of the straps in an accident.” Strong Shield leaned forward.
“That’s interesting. Because you see, down there, we found marks on the ground that suggests somepony pulled themselves along the hillside and up again.” He was just about to continue when we were interrupted by one of the guards from the river.
“Captain Strong Shield, sir. We found this a little ways along the bank.” The pegasus hoofed over a set of large metal hoof cuffs. Empty and unlocked I might add. I briefly took the reins from Strong Shield, playing an act a bit.
“Oh. Wow. Gee Whiz. Looky here,” I said theatrically, examining the cuffs. “You know we're always fascinated when we find leg irons with no legs in them.” I turned to the two guards. “Who held the keys?”
“Me,” the first guard replied, confused.
“Where are they?” The guard checked his belt, but didn’t seem able to find them.
“I don’t know. I had them right here with me. They must have come off in the fall.” Now I knew for certain that Troubleshoes was out and away.
“Care to revise your statement, corporal?” Strong Shield asked.
“Er, what?” the guard asked.
“Do you want to change your load of horseapples story?” I elaborated. For effect I fished a photograph of Troubleshoes out of my briefcase and held it up for him.
“He might have got out,” the guard mumbled. Strong Shield rolled his eyes.
“’He might have got out’?” I echoed. Now we definitely had a situation on our hands. A fugitive. Authority now passed to myself, as this was a legal matter rather than rescue or recovery. With Strong Shield following me, I headed out and had him call all of the assembled guards together. We would need the manpower.
“Everypony, listen up! We now have reason to believe that Troubleshoes survived the crash and has escaped. We have a fugitive. As legal advisor to Her Grand Royal Highness Princess Celestia, I am hereby exercising my authority to re-task you.” The guards all promptly stopped what they were doing and paid attention.
“Our fugitive has been on the run for ninety minutes. The average speed of an earth pony, barring injury, over rough ground is about four miles an hour. That gives us a radius of six miles. What I need from you all now is a search of every store, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse, and doghouse in that area. Captain Strong Shield, get on the wire to Canterlot. We need checkpoints on all roads set up at fifteen miles. Our fugitive’s name is Troubleshoes.” Everypony stood where they were, listening.
“Go get him,” I ordered. With Celestia’s authority to my name, the guards quickly set off heading out in multiple directions. He might very well try to head back to Whinnyappolis, and from there head for the Frozen North. Or he might try south; go for Mexicolt or the Badlands. But our best chance to catch him was now, before he had time to get too far away.
Strong Shield and I headed back to the nearest town. Luckily, there was a post office there, so we were able to wire Celestia regarding what had happened. We got a response about five minutes later. Shining was being recalled to Canterlot, pegasi were being drafted to spread the word, and the dragnet I had requested was being thrown out. Now, we had to wait for news; either from the Royal Guard or from the public. Somepony would come across him sooner or later.
Until then though, I had little to do. Lacking either magic or wings I would not be particularly helpful out on the search. I certainly didn’t fancy my chances taking on Troubleshoes; after all, when we had first arrived here, my son had been able to briefly lift me using his own magic when he lost his temper.
As a result, Strong Shield, myself, and a few other guards turned the small post office into a makeshift ‘command post’ as the old guard called it. A home base, if you will. We borrowed their telegraph to stay in touch with other towns along the routes Troubleshoes might take. Reports had slowly been coming in of the various roadblocks and checkpoints that had been set up.
We had been rather hopeful that this would be a quick recapture. Troubleshoes didn’t have much in the way of a head start, and we had ponies on the ground and in the air. If he ran, we ought to have been able to overhaul him, and if he hid, we would have been able to find him. After two hours however with no word, it became clear that the blighter had slipped through the net.
“Well, now what? Wait and see if he tries to run a checkpoint?” Strong Shield asked. I was busy thinking. Until we found some trace of him, we didn’t know which direction he was heading; north or south. North was more likely, since that led away from major population centres and was a shorter route. We just needed to find something to go on, something to pick up the trail.
Our prayers were answered about twenty minutes later when we received a message from one of the checkpoints. Troubleshoes hadn’t got past them, but a mare had come running up to them, saying she caught a pony stealing food from her garden. It was a small homestead a little ways up the river from Ponyville, near the base of the Canterhorn.
Like I said, it was more likely that he would head south.
The one good thing about Troubleshoes, is that he isn’t exactly inconspicuous, so we didn’t have to worry about false sightings. I quickly had Strong Shield gather the guards up again.
“Alright, everypony. We just got word Troubleshoes was spotted stealing from some poor mare’s garden.” He evidently knew what he was doing to an extent; stocking up on food would allow him to avoid towns. “By the looks of things, he’s looking to skirt the major towns, swing around the Canterhorn, and head south towards Appleloosa and Dodge Junction.” I pointed at the settlements in question on the large map of Equestria that sat on the far wall of the post office. Strong Shield continued.
“The good news is,” he said. “Is that in order to bypass Ponyville, Troubleshoes will have to cross the river. And the only safe way to do that north of Ponyville is to cut across the dam.”
As a way of generating electricity for the valley and Canterlot itself, the river that eventually fed into the Everfree passed through a hydroelectric dam. Considering their typically less technologically advanced nature, this was quite a feat for the ponies. It also gave us a choke point in which we could trap Troubleshoes. When he first escaped, he had a good amount of open ground to flee to. But this dam was confined and narrow, with only one tunnel letting ponies across it; a railway tunnel.
“If we can catch him while he’s in the tunnel, then he’ll have nowhere to go,” I said. “I’ve already sent word up to Canterlot; all trains along the mainline are being stopped.” The last thing we wanted was for Troubleshoes to get lucky and hitch a ride on a southbound train before we could grab him. I turned back to Strong Shield.
“Alright, fillies. Load up, and let’s get moving!”
It was decided that it would be the best use of the resources we had, to lay a trap for Troubleshoes. The dam was a perfect place where we could block him in and capture him, without putting anypony else in unnecessary danger. The only way across the dam was by the railway tunnel which ran through it. Ponies were not supposed to cross the line, for obvious reasons, but it was possible. A path for repair gangs ran alongside the track, dotted with manholes. Thus, there was a good chance Troubleshoes could get through. If he did, he’d be over the river, and out in open country.
Being closer to Canterlot, we’d received a few more guards to help with the hunt. The signal box up in Canterlot had set all the signals between Ponyville and Canterlot to danger, stopping all the trains. I’d say we now had a decent chance of catching him.
Strong Shield and I, along with a few other guards, set up shop in the control room of the main dam complex. Perched on the top of the structure, it allowed us to look down on the railway, without being observed. We were planning on using this as a way to spot Troubleshoes without him spotting us. After all, for our plan to work, he needed to go into the tunnel.
We’d now been sitting here for over an hour. I was starting to think that he wasn’t coming. Perhaps we’d been wrong? Maybe he’d deliberately gotten himself spotted to fool us? It would certainly be a blow if it came to light that he’d duped us, again. I was startled out of my thoughts by Strong Shield.
“Look! There he is!” he said excitedly, pointing far down below. Getting up from the desk I was sitting at, I joined him at the large, panoramic window. Squinting a little (my eyes are starting to play up, I need glasses for reading in any case), I saw the large Clydesdale stallion far below.
“Quick, get that signal torch ready!” I ordered. We had something of an ambush set up around the dam. There were two teams of guards, one on each end of the tunnel, well concealed. The plan was that once Troubleshoes went into the tunnel, we’d use a torch, or flashlight as they all insisted on calling it, to signal both groups to head into the tunnel. We’d then catch Troubleshoes in a pincer, leaving him nowhere to go.
“Wait for it,” Strong Shield warned, still watching the stallion below. Troubleshoes was evidently cautious. He was looking around, searching. Presumably, he was looking for us, or any sign of a pursuit.
“Come on, come on,” I muttered, egging him on. Finally, with one last careful glance around, Troubleshoes headed into the tunnel. “Alright now, now, now!” I called.
“Come on, get that light going!” Strong Shield added. The changeling turned guard quickly seized the light in his magic and began waving it frantically, first on one side of the room, and then out the other side.
The reaction was almost immediate, dozens of gold and blue, and grey and silver spots appeared from bushes and trees around each tunnel entrance. They quickly tore inside, even up here, we could hear shouting for Troubleshoes to surrender.
“Right c’mon; let’s go!” Strong Shield said excitedly, adrenaline rushing at the imminent capture. The four of us ran out of the small office and began to all but jump down the metal stairs to the ground level. Reaching the soft grass again, we all hurried into the tunnel, following the wave of guards.
Running as fast as I could to keep up with the ponies, I cursed my lack of recent exercise. Getting into my mid-fifties I simply wasn’t up for running that much. Hell, by the time we hit the first manhole, I was already getting a stitch.
The tunnel echoed with shouted cries of ‘Royal Guard! Stay where you are!’ and other short phrases imploring Troubleshoes to give up without a fight. However, as I ran, one thing struck me as odd. The tunnel was almost straight; you could see the guards coming the other way quite clearly. What I couldn’t see was Troubleshoes. Even in this light, I ought to have been able to see the massive brute.
As we neared each other though, I feared that we may have blown our chance. That fear was confirmed when the two packs of guards met in the middle. And there was no Troubleshoes to be found.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Strong Shield muttered, before raising his voice. “You have got to be kidding me! Where the hay is this idiot! You guys get him?”
“We got nothing, sir,” one of the guards called back.
“Well where the hay did he go?! He’s not Celestia damned Hoofdini!” The guards all quickly backed away and started working their way back along the tunnel. Seeing as there was little else to do, I joined in to help.
The tunnel was quite unremarkable in design. A long concrete passage, with a few lights here and there, as well as some drains to help keep the line from flooding when rainfall came down from Canterlot. Other than that, there was nothing.
The only remarkable thing was that one of the drain covers was slightly disturbed; having been forced out of its usual flush position. It now rested awkwardly, rocking back and forth in the wind. I was about to discard it when my ears picked up on something. A faint sound of splashing. Initially, I thought it was just run off water from the damn below us, but it didn’t sound quite right.
“Hey, hey, everypony. Quiet a minute,” I called out. But over the general noise of the other guards, it was hard to be heard. Luckily, Strong Shield saw that I had found something and brought out his own sergeant major voice.
“QUIET! Everypony, be quiet,” he ordered. With this newfound silence, we all listened. There was indeed a splashing sound. But it wasn’t regular, and it was getting fainter, moving away. Quickly, Strong Shield and a few others surrounded the grating, before Strong Shield cast it aside with his magic. Now, we could hear the sound of hooves splashing clearly. Strong Shield let himself smile.
“We got a gofer.” He, along with myself and a few other guards, then dived into the drain pipe.
The drain, unfortunately for me, was not particularly tall. For the ponies that were with me, it was no issue, although taller ponies such as Strong Shield found it necessary to duck a little. Me on the other hand, I was virtually doubled over in order to avoid hitting the ceiling. For the most part, Equestria is quite accommodating to someone of my height; 5’11 in Equestria is quite tall after all. However, there are times where it can be difficult. Trains, closed carriages, tables, countertops and so on, tend to be just a little too low for me. It seems this extended to drain pipes.
Still, there was no time to complain. Troubleshoes was perhaps no more than fifty yards ahead of us. The trouble was that, due to the confined space, and the constant echo of our voices and the splashing water, it was difficult to work out where he had gone. We didn’t really know where we were going, for all I knew, this tunnel was a dead end around the next corner.
The four of us who had leapt into the pipe finally reached a fork in the line. Still unable to work out where Troubleshoes was, we were left with an even chance. Troubleshoes had to have gone one way or the other.
“Alright, alright. You two, head right! Roger, you stay with me!” Strong Shield ordered, making a snap decision. Our group quickly split up, with myself actually taking the lead as we followed the pipe.
At length, I began to notice that it was getting lighter in the tunnel. We had to be coming up on an exit. I just hoped that we had actually followed Troubleshoes, and that he hadn’t escaped through the exit. Rounding the last corner, fortune swung in our favour. There was Troubleshoes, standing on the proverbial, and literal, precipice. This drain pipe evidently led out of the dam, and right back into the river. At a rough guess, the drop had to be the better part of a hundred and fifty feet to the river below. He had nowhere to go.
“Troubleshoes!” I bellowed, catching the stallion’s attention. Troubleshoes briefly threw up his hooves in a gesture of surrender. Inwardly, I breathed a sigh of relief.
“Turn around! Lie down on the ground! Hooves behind your head!” This would make it easier for Strong Shield to restrain him. Troubleshoes however, didn’t move, only glancing at the water.
“Troubleshoes, do you want to get shot?” I warned. Strong Shield lit his horn up, solidifying my threat. “Get down on your knees! Right now!” I could see the desperation in his eyes. There was nowhere for him to go though. Finally, in a deep southern voice, Troubleshoes spoke.
“Ah didn’t wreck those rodeos!” he called over the sound of rushing water.
“I don’t care!” I answered. Regardless of his guilt, he was wanted for questioning; we had to bring him in. Guilt would be determined later.
It seemed though, that that was enough to push him over the edge. With almost no warning, the stallion walked to the edge of the pipe, took a breath, and jumped. Both Strong Shield and I made an attempt to grab him, but he was long gone. Looking down below, I lost him in the spray.
“Sweet Celestia!” Strong Shield exclaimed. At that moment, the other two guards, who had evidently realised that they had gone the wrong way, joined us.
“Captain, Mr. Owen, what happened? Where’s Troubleshoes?” one of them asked.
“The guy did a Peter Pan right here off of this dam, right here,” I replied.
“Wow!” one of them exclaimed. Strong Shield was still looking down.
“Yeah, boom!” I added, quite shaken up myself. Strong Shield, having satisfied himself that Troubleshoes had kicked the bucket, turned to me. After all, ending things was my call.
“Okay, can we go home now?” he enquired.
“No!” I shook my head emphatically. “No.” Go home? Hell no! This whole mess started because we thought he was dead. We had probably lost him, but we could still let others take up the search; maybe even make him think that he got away.
Just to be safe, we did do a search at the bottom of the dam, including airborne pegasi but we found nothing. With the exception of myself, everypony agreed that Troubleshoes was undeniably now fish food. If he had survived, by now the river would have carried him far away from Ponyville. So, I agreed to call a temporary halt.
We finally returned to Canterlot just as it was dropping dark. I delivered my report to Celestia, who was just about to lower the sun. I stated my belief that Troubleshoes might have survived the fall, given that we found no body, and his previous success at surviving a serious accident.
Unwilling to let me continue tearing around Equestria after him, Celestia decided to pass matters of to the sheriff down in Appleloosa, as well as the Appleloosian Rangers. They were skilled trackers and could raise posses to go after Troubleshoes should he ever show up down there. With that decision, the case left my desk. Or rather, it went to the archives, marked as ‘Unsolved’.
And that was the closest I came to making a fugitive arrest.
About a week or so after the incident at the dam, my suspicions about Troubleshoes were confirmed. Somehow, by luck, wit, cunning, or random act of chance, he had survived the fall and made his way to Appleloosa. However, it was then that things took a turn for the odd. It was not the local sheriff that brought him in. Nor was it the famed Appleloosian Rangers. It wasn’t even a posse that had been raised by the locals. No, believe it or not, the ponies who found Troubleshoes were the ‘Cutie Mark Crusaders’. They’re a group of foals from the school in Ponyville where my wife works. One of them, Apple Bloom, Applejack’s younger sister, lives with my son on Sweet Apple Acres. Applejack had gone down there with them to participate in the rodeo. Through a series of incredibly complicated events, they had found Troubleshoes and managed to exonerate him.
You see, when he first appeared on my radar, I understandably attributed all of his acts to a malicious intent. After all, he had been going around wrecking rodeos up and down the country. But when those fillies explained, it came to light that it was actually him being a bit…well, clumsy. Yep, I guess for a stallion as large as Celestia, it wasn’t too hard to cause accidents like that.
Anyway, I quickly realised that at least some of the blame could be attributed to my…shall we say slightly overzealous, manhunt. He’d panicked and run, our pursuit had only made things worse. In light of the revelations brought forth by those fillies, it was decided to drop the charges. Okay yes, technically, I still had a case, but I had no intention of kicking a pony when he’s down.
With his wanted status being lifted, I hear he’s actually doing quite well for himself. He’s gone to work with the rodeos as he always wanted. He’s one of the rodeo clowns. And I must say, having seen his act, he is the only clown that I do find genuinely funny, rather than deeply unsettling.
The successful closure of that case then left me with something of a void in my schedule. The Grand Galloping Gala was not too far off, about a fortnight or so away. But there were no major cases, no important visits, or anything else really that required my attention. So, I fell back into the monotony of paperwork for a few days. Troubleshoes’ case certainly made for an interesting report.
A few days later, I found myself heading out of the castle to go for a walk around Canterlot. Having caught up on the bureaucratic side of things, it seemed a little pointless to just sit in my office. I wasn’t playing hooky, mind you. Before I left the castle, I stopped by the Royal Guard barracks looking for Buttercup, to let him know where I would be going. If a case did come up that required me to be in the throne room, he could easily find me in Canterlot proper.
However, before I had a chance to find him, I ran into Shining Armor, who had also just stepped out of his office.
I count Shining Armor amongst some of my closest friends. Given my position in the Equestrian government, the two of us regularly cross paths on a number of matters. We first met when my family and I arrived in Canterlot to meet with Princess Celestia. When we got out of the chariot that had flown us there, Shining was there, along with a few guards to escort us.
Initially, I didn’t think much of him. His general personality gave off that vibe of ‘high school jock’, you know the type. The one who fails every class, yet still graduates and gets a better job than those who worked hard, and gets a hot wife to boot, all because he captained the football team. I’d seen enough of that type on Earth.
The only bit of that that turned out to be true was the part about the wife. He has managed to net himself the lovely Mi Amore Cadenza. Aside from that though, I misjudged him greatly. He was actually quite the nerd as a colt and not particularly popular. He’d joined the Royal Guard as soon as he could and had steadily risen through the ranks, eventually becoming their CO. Working with him, I’d found him to be extremely able and talented; particularly when it came to magic. In that area, I suppose he takes a little bit after his sister.
He also holds the title of Prince of the Crystal Empire, his wife being the princess. As a result of holding these two prestigious offices, he frequently commutes between Canterlot and the Crystal Empire as and when he needs to. He’d just gotten back the week before, after having been up north for almost a month, helping Cadance in negotiations with Yakyakistan.
“Shining, good to see you again,” I greeted as I spotted him. Shining seemed to have been lost in his own thoughts, as he suddenly started, producing a sharp whinny.
“Oh, you spooked me,” the white stallion replied, doing his best to appear unruffled.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to.” Since he didn’t seem busy, I started up a conversation. “So how’s life for the Captain of the Guard then?”
“Oh you know, the usual,” Shining replied, smiling. “Training, paperwork, training.” We both laughed at that. I will say this; Shining does have a fondness for practice drills. Canterlot has been ‘attacked’ no more than twelve times this month. And each time it has been successfully defended I might add.
“And how’s Cadance been? I know there’s been a fair bit of chatter about the political situation up there.” While Shining is an accomplished soldier, Cadance is just as an accomplished politician, presumably from her time with Celestia.
“The Yaks are giving us a bit of a hard time, but she managed to convince them to send a delegation down at some point. I sure am glad she did, their army is quite legendary. After all, not even Sombra bothered them when he was in power.” I could see why we would do well to have them as allies, along with the griffons. “How about you anyway? I heard you almost captured Troubleshoes near Ponyville.”
“Close but no cigar, though,” I replied. “We chased him right into the dam before he got away.” Shining nodded.
“I heard that he took a jump off the end. And that everypony else figured he wouldn’t be coming back. Never pays to bet against you does it?” I smiled at that.
“Anyway, so what are you up to now?” I asked. “I was just looking for Buttercup; let him know I was going to head into the city for a bit.” Shining pointed to the courtyard outside the barracks.
“Today’s inspection day. I get to walk up and down the line and make sure everypony is up to standard on how a guard behaves. You can come along if you like. It shouldn’t take too long.” Why not?
“Yeah, sure. It’ll save anypony having to head down to the city to look for me.” With that, I followed Shining out onto the courtyard.
The Royal Guard is Equestria’s first line of defence. It’s an odd mix really; on the one hand it’s merely a police force, protecting ponies domestically. But it also acts as an armed force against foreign threats, with much greater force. Hell, Shining once showed me the sheer number of plans they have for various eventualities. Everything from another coup attempt, a second changeling incursion, all the way to war with the Crystal Empire (in the event Sombra had managed to retake the place) was planned for. Unfortunately, it is a rare thing that Equestria has to deal with a conventional foe on equal footing.
Still, while not recognised as much outside Canterlot, they are the pride of the city. Like my mother country’s own royal guards, they took great pride in the way they presented themselves and in the exact correctness of every procedure. Anypony wondering needs only to watch Celestia’s birthday celebration to see the level of perfection they practice.
I peeled off and stood near the archway Shining and I had come through, whilst the captain himself began the inspection.
The courtyard was filled with around forty ponies in full armour, as well as one griffon exchange officer. The moment Shining entered, they all, as one, snapped to attention and presented their weapons for inspection. While ponies have not developed firearms, aside from the odd canon, they are still a fighting force to be reckoned with. The ceremonial spears are plenty sharp and the ponies who wield them are skilled in their use. Unicorns also have a number of spells to call upon, while earth ponies can rely on their brute strength rather than weaponry.
Keeping his face serious and neutral, Shining made his way along the line. With a practiced eye, he examined each pony that he passed, taking in every detail. Every now and then, he would stop, either citing a pony for a minor error, or simply quizzing a pony on their knowledge of procedures. For the most part, things went perfectly smoothly. Until he reached one pony.
It had been a while since I’d last seen that orange pegasus, it took me a moment or two to recall his name. Flash Sentry stood out like a sore thumb in the formation. A lone blob of orange amongst a sea of white and grey. He was apparently a temporary transfer from the Imperial Crystal Guard. Up there, the enchantments on the armour that altered a pony’s coat and mane were not in common use; the spell had, after all, been introduced some five hundred years ago, when the Empire was still absent.
I’m not quite sure why, but for some reason Shining, as well as my son if I’m honest, seem to have something against this particular pegasus. As I said, he stuck out like a sore thumb visually. He was also a little undersized next to his comrades, and didn’t really give off the impression of a pony that it would pay to get on with. This slight bias became apparent when Shining passed him.
With little to no warning, Shining paused in his inspection, wheeled round and seized Sentry’s spear from his hooves.
“Four inches from your chest, Sentry!” he yelled, referring to the way he held his spear. “Four inches!” The pegasus, who now looked quite frightened, further dispelling his guard image, quickly corrected himself. Shining scowled at him before moving on. Finally, he passed the last guard in line. Turning around, he addressed them all.
“Excellent work, everypony,” he said, keeping his tone professional. “I’m glad to see that,” he lowered his voice a moment. “Most of you continue to uphold the highest traditions of the Royal Guard. Dismissed.” With that, the assembled ponies dispersed, either back to their barracks, or to their postings in the castle. Shining meanwhile returned to me.
“You’ve got some good lads there,” I commented. Shining removed his helmet before he responded.
“They’ve all been taught well,” he replied. “And aside from that foal Sentry, they carry themselves well.” I nodded in agreement.
“Yeah, what was the deal with that just now?” I enquired. Shining sighed and put a hoof to the bridge of his snout before he replied.
“I’ve worked with lots of ponies over the years, Roger. Some good, some bad. But that foal can sometimes be in a class of his own. You know, the other night, I caught the idiot sleeping at his post. Just standing there, snoring!” Shining tossed his head in irritation.
“I’m sure he’ll come around eventually,” I offered. For Flash’s sake I hope he did.
It was at that moment that we were interrupted by the arrival of somepony else.
Off to the side of us, there was a sudden bright, white light and the signature sound of a teleport spell. I quickly found myself wrapped in a bear hug.
“Roger, there you are!” a voice declared happily. “I thought you might be down here with soldier boy.” Shining bristled at that. Another way he can be a little like my son, is that he can have a short temper at times. Releasing me from his grip, I turned to face my assailant.
“Hello, Discord,” I greeted.
Standing before me was the serpentine, mish-mash form that was Discord. He is a draconequus; a being of pure chaos that holds the title of Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony, the polar opposite to the Elements of Harmony, and possibly one of the most dangerous beings in the world.
Also my best friend. Yes, you read that right.
“What brings you down here, old man?” I enquired. Like Sombra, Discord tends to bother me when he wants something, or he’s bored and needs entertainment.
“Why it’s time for games, my friend,” the draconequus replied. “Cellie sent me down here to look for you. I don’t suppose you’ve seen the gyroscope have you?” Ah yes, the game.
Every now and then, when we have time, Celestia, Luna, Discord, and I all get together to play Mornington Crescent. It’s a nonsense game, but nonetheless a fun way for the four of us to relax. Discord enjoys it half due to the game’s chaotic nature, particularly under the 1976 rule set, and also due to the number of rumours ponies have come up with trying to explain it.
Shining, like most ponies, was quite confused by our conversation. After all, how many games need a bloody gyroscope?
“I think Twilight should have one in her castle, Discord,” I replied. “But if not we ought to be able to manage without it.”
“Hang on, hang on,” Shining broke in. “What the hay are you two talking about?”
“Just part of a game Discord and I play with the princesses,” I explained. It was then a thought occurred; Shining was technically a senior government official. I suppose we could include him in the game. Twilight had quickly stopped playing after she realised the true nature of the rules, whist Cadence didn’t usually have the time for a full game. Yes, it couldn’t hurt to let him have a go. Plus, it was always fun to watch a new player find their feet.
“Tell you what, Shining,” I said. “If you aren’t going to be too busy for the next hour or so, why don’t you join us? We could always use a new player, right, Discord?” Discord however, seemed far less accepting.
As I said before, Discord is my best friend. However, our relationship is an odd one. The best way I can describe it is that it’s similar to that of House and Wilson. Take a guess which of us is Wilson. At times, the millennia old draconequus can be quite jealous; friendship is a new concept to him after all. The two of us have maintained a strong ‘guys’ relationship for a while, since Discord spends most of his time interacting with females, as do I. As a result, he can get a bit uncomfortable with anything that potentially threatens that unique friendship.
“Oh, come on, Roger,” he said, nose turned upward. “This oaf couldn’t cross Tower Bridge if everypony else was in the Nidd.” Whilst this served to only further confuse Shining, I merely rolled my eyes.
“Discord, don’t be like that,” I implored. Still, he kept his back to me. “Hey, don’t make me call Fluttershy down here. Because I will.” The fear of Fluttershy being disappointed in him is one of the few things, aside from re-imprisonment, that can bring him to heel. Quite a feat considering he is the physical embodiment of chaos. Still, I got no response, so I tried a different tack.
“You don’t think he’s going to beat you, do you?” I asked slyly. That quickly got a rise out of him. He wheeled round to face me.
“What?!” he exclaimed. “Him beat me? Me who has no less than fifteen championship victories across six dimensions? Bah!”
“Then let him join us for a game. Don’t be so childish.” Discord turned to study Shining for a moment, with the captain staring straight back at him, something few ponies manage to do without their knees knocking.
“Fine,” Discord said at last. Honestly, for a creature supposedly thousands of years old, he acts like a six year old at times. I quickly moved to capitalise on this success.
“Good,” I said triumphantly. “Now that that’s sorted, shall we head on up. I’m sure the princesses are getting impatient.” This, however, let Discord back into his element.
“Ah yes, allow me,” he said. Before Shining or I had a chance to object, he snapped his talons and we were teleported up to the dining room.
A moment later, the three of us rematerialized at our destination. I quickly felt a sudden sense of sea sickness; teleports and me don’t mix very well. I staggered for a moment before finding my balance.
“Dammit, Discord!” I complained. “How many times have I asked you not to teleport me? You know it plays havoc with my stomach!”
“Oh don’t be such a drama queen,” Discord replied. “Come on, the game’s afoot.” Summoning himself a deerstalker, he sidled over to the table where the two princesses were sitting.
Celestia was, as ever, calm and collected and contentedly sipping a cup of tea. Luna, meanwhile, despite looking a little tired, was raring to go it seemed, having already set up the board and chosen her playing piece.
“Yes, yes, do get along,” she said, encouraging Discord no doubt. It was then she noticed Shining at my side. “Captain Armor? You wish to play do you?” she enquired.
“Er, do I?” Shining asked. Having little to no idea of what he had agreed to do, Shining was still at a loss.
“Don’t worry, Shining,” Celestia reassured him. “While it may all seem complex and intricate, any foal with a halfway decent imagination can play, and even excel. Right, Roger?” I nodded in agreement.
“Yes, you’ll have a great time, Shining. This is a game of strategy after all.” That seemed to perk his interest, as well as his ears. Ponies are so easy to read sometimes.
Discord summoned forth a fifth cushion for Shining, and we all settled ourselves down around the board. Before us was a map of London, with the Tube network superimposed over it. There were, of course, a number of appendices and context sensitive playing parts that would take far too long to list here. In addition to the gyroscope, there was a pocket watch, twelve dice; six six-sided, two twelve-sided, three eight-sided, and one colour coded die, as well as a jubilee sovereign, a harmonica, a pack of playing cards, and of course, the all too necessary rule book, in the event there was a dispute.
We each chose our playing piece and starting station. Personally, I went for the Aga oven and Woolwich Arsenal; it lets a player use a variety of different openings and allows you to control most of the rightbottom wing stations for at least the first fizzbin, plus it gives you easier access to the bus routes for the end game. I doubted this would be an overly long game so I didn’t have to worry about advanced shunts. Everypony else quickly made their own selection, leaving Shining, as the newcomer, to take the bishop and start at Bank.
“Right, Shining,” I said. “Allow me to clue you in. This is the game of Mornington Crescent. It’s a game from my old world. It’s set on an underground railway network in a major city. Each player takes their turn moving between various stations. The object of the game is to reach Mornington Crescent.” I pointed to the station in question. “Here. The only catch is that you cannot move to Mornington Crescent, you have to get there via alternative means.”
“Okay,” Shining said, still quite befuddled. “So how does the game work then?” I allowed myself a small smile.
“That you have to work out for yourself,” I replied. “We’ll all happily tell you if a move is valid or not. But you have to discern the rules yourself.” I then addressed the other players. “Alright, everypony. Celestia is the main dealer today. We’ll be playing with the Amsterdam rule set; Docklands Light Railway is out of bounds and double hop captures are only valid if the offside rule isn’t in effect. Your move, Luna.”
With that, Shining’s foray into the London Underground began.
Thirty five minutes later, and we were in the end game. We had been for a good thirty five minutes. It often confuses new players that the end game begins after the first move. Still, at least we didn’t have to worry about teams; the game can be played in a team fashion with up to thirteen players per team, including senior conductors and sergeants.
As was often the case, us four veterans were locking each other out rather than moving forward much ourselves. I’d been stuck in the topside rightbottom section of A6 ever since Celestia played that Hullender’s Defence against my move on Shepherd’s Bush. That’s what I get for trying to claim three territories though.
Shining meanwhile, had done quite well as the new boy. Okay, he had naturally lost a few points when he dithered at the start. But that is common for new players. There are after all hundreds of openings to choose from. Though I don’t know what made him think he could go to Chalk Farm when the N76 was out of service for the night. Still, he had been quite shrewd when he took Putney Bridge. It had thrown Discord in the Nidd and brought into play the Nijmegen Exception.
There had been one minor disagreement though. Luna had been called out of order under the offside rule. She went straight from Euston to Aldgate in one move. That of course meant there was only one base between her next but one shift zone. As the Amsterdam ruleset incorporated Morton’s Convention (only the 1867 Quebec system disallows this, hence why it is disliked among grand masters) this was an entirely illegal move on her part. As a result she was declared under-struck and called out of line and out of order, leaving her consigned with only seventy six points before final scoring in addition to taking a Bakerloo Redress and missing a turn. I leaned over to talk to Shining.
“Well, things are heating up aren’t they?” I said. “It’s going to be either Celestia or Discord who takes this one I think. You’ve done quite well so far though. What do you make of it all?” Shining looked at me with an expression that could probably be described as a thousand yard stare.
“This is the single most complicated game I’ve encountered in my entire life,” he replied in a monotone. “I can see why Twiley didn’t care for it.”
“Don’t worry, Shining. You’ll catch on soon enough. You’ve actually given quite a good account today. I certainly didn’t do as well on my first go.”
“Roger, in this one half hour long game, I’ve heard no less than thirty four different references to conventions, exceptions, redresses, diagonals, offsides, and something called the topbottomrightwing. Not once have any of them been repeated, or shown any indication of a pattern. It’s all complete gibberish!” I nodded.
“Exactly,” I replied. And with that, the penny dropped at last.
“Your turn I believe, Shining,” Celestia stated. “Here’s a jack of hearts for you.” Shining grinned, finally understanding, and possibly enjoying the fact that he’d learned something his younger sibling had been defeated by.
“Okay,” he said. “I’ll trade the jack for The Knowledge so I can use roads for the next three turns.” He paused as Discord whistled in surprise. “And I’ll head for Dagenham East.” He promptly moved his bishop chessman across to the District line. “That puts you in the diagonal I believe, princess.” We all turned to Celestia, who studied the board carefully. I had expected her to win this game, but Shining’s move had released the wing topside diagonal which reversed the direction of travel for the Victoria line.
“An interesting tactic, Shining Armor,” she commented. “But it shan’t stop me. I’ll take Morden, and thanks to Roger putting Discord in the Nidd, I can use my remaining fare to coast all the way to…” She triumphantly moved her potato piece. “Mornington Crescent.”
The rest of us cheered in approval; it was a clever move after all; I sure hadn’t spotted it. Still, it was lucky; before long we would all need to get back to work, or bed, as the case may be.
“Well, good game, good game,” I said as I began to collect the various flotsam and jetsam from the board and pack everything away. “I think we should certainly consider including Shining Armor in our next game.”
“Here, here,” Luna declared. “He is a fine tactician and a worthy opponent.” Celestia and Discord also voiced their agreement. Shining meanwhile, took the praise with a quiet dignity.
“Thanks, everypony. It certainly was an…interesting experience.” That got a laugh from everypony.
“Just remember though, Shining,” I warned gravely. “The rules of this game cannot be divulged to anypony, with the exception of Rule 1 and 77A. Otherwise it would be most boring.” Shining, of course, gave his word to keep quiet. I’d hate to see all the rumours go after all. With that, our party broke up. Shining headed back to the barracks, Celestia returned to court, and Luna headed off to bed. As for Discord and I, we had little to do, and headed off to go for a wander.
“So,” Discord said as the two of us wandered through the maze in the castle gardens. “I hear that you took Celestia up on that second job offer.” I nodded.
“Yes, it certainly helps me sleep easier at night. Knowing that everyone down there is still safely under lock and key,” I replied. Discord meanwhile, was wringing his talon and paw.
“So I suppose you see Tirek every now and then?” I was surprised at that; usually, Discord loses his temper if you so much as mention Tirek’s name near him. It was odd that he brought the subject of the imprisoned centaur up.
“I tend to make a habit of checking on him first. He doesn’t do much though. He just throws a few idle threats out and tries to frighten me. Frankly, at this point it’s starting to become quite tragic.” I stifled a giggle. “Why do you ask?”
Honestly, Tirek was the very definition of a Saturday morning cartoon villain. He didn’t want to rule Equestria as Chrysalis or Discord had. He didn’t want to enslave ponies for his own gain like Sombra either. His entire plan consisted of stealing all magic, destroying all of Equestria and then ruling over the ashes.
How he planned to do that last part is beyond me. His continuous rhetoric about how worthless friendship is just adds to his cringeworthiness. I really have a hard time taking him seriously now. Hell, the only reason my son despises him is because he blew up the library.
“I just wondered how he had been spending his time,” Discord replied. “Does he say much about me?”
“Every now and then he swears vengeance on you for giving Twilight the clues to defeat him. But he does that to everypony. Me, you, Twilight, the princesses, anypony really. Honestly, you ought to stop thinking about that idiot. He’s utterly harmless; he’s had his one chance and blown it. Keeping this whole issue going just wastes your time and messes with your head.”
Like my son, Discord is the type to hold a grudge. Though at least he personally knew the being he held a grudge against. For most of the first year we were here, my son had a serious problem with changelings. He even went after Strong Shield when he found out he was a changeling. It all came to a head when he was inadvertently sent back to when the whole problem with changelings began; the Royal Wedding. He never told me exactly what he did, but it caused a paradox that sent him back. Afterwards, he was a changed pony, and promptly let go of the whole matter, even patching things up with Strong Shield. I hoped the same could happen to Discord.
“You know,” I said. “Before I took the job, Celestia told me that you had been the one she originally intended to use. But you turned it down. She said that you said you ‘wouldn’t be held responsible for your actions’ if you went down to Tartarus.”
“Yes,” Discord replied. “I didn’t want to do something I’d later regret.” I posed the obvious question.
“What would you do?” I asked him. “If we went down there right now, what would you do? I mean, you’ve been keeping up the constant torment for months now. But what would you do? Kill him?” Discord remained silent. “Beat him up; knock six bells out of him? Would that make you feel better?”
Discord stopped walking and summoned himself a chair to recline in. Leaning back, he closed his eyes and formed his talon and paw into a steeple. He stayed in this state of deep thought for quite some time. Eventually he came to again.
“Alright,” he said quietly. “I know what I need to do.” I looked at him curiously. “I can see the point you’re trying to make, though did you have to make it all sound like an after school special?” I laughed a little at that. “I’m going to go down there, and do what I should have done months ago.”
“And that is?” I asked.
“Forgive him, and then forget him.” With that, he snapped his talons and the two of us appeared in Tartarus.
I expected this to go a number of ways. Most of which involved a quick visit to Tartarus, a couple brilliant one liners from Discord, and then leaving Tirek to himself.
That was not what I got.
As soon as we arrived, we could hear the screaming, no threats, no shouted demands, just screaming.
“Jesus, Discord! What did you do to him this week?” I asked over the noise. Discord had been continuously changing the method by which he made Tirek’s existence hell, but he’d never made him scream in such agony before.
“It’s not me,” he replied. “Or he’s having a very severe reaction to Pinkie Pie singing at him on a looped tape.” Were we anywhere else, I would have found that funny. Running towards the source of the screaming, we quickly found our way to Tirek’s little island.
The centaur was still in his cage, but instead of leering through the bars as he usually did, he was now on the floor of his cell, rolling around and screaming almost constantly. Getting closer, I could see tears streaming down his face, he was crying. As we hurried over, he began to shout again.
“Scorpan, please no! Please don’t leave me here! Scorpan! Scorpan!” He then rolled around to face us, and I saw what was wrong. Tirek’s eyes were usually unsettling enough, being yellow points in a black abyss. Now though, the whites of his eyes were green and purple vapour poured from the sides.
“Dear God,” I muttered. I’d heard about this, this was the work of Sombra, his infamous fear spell. Twilight had once been caught by it, as had Spike, when they inadvertently triggered a trap in Sombra’s castle. It was also the way he prevented the crystal ponies from remembering anything prior to his rule. Tirek was currently being forced to see his worst fears over and over.
“Well, there goes my plan,” Discord said quietly. Sombra had evidently beaten him to the punch. The two of us quickly went to find Celestia.
Luckily for all concerned, Celestia was able to use her alicorn magic to bring Tirek out of whatever nightmare he was being forced to relive. Hitting him with a blast of her magic, his eyes quickly lost their unnatural hues and the screaming and weeping slowly tapered off. We weren’t particularly concerned about the possibility of him trying to drain the magic. For one thing, he couldn’t in his current state; his entire cell is devoid of magic, to the point where Celestia had to add more power to the spell to ensure it reached Tirek before dissipating.
Brought out of his own personal hell, Tirek lay where he was. His breathing was heavy and laboured. Celestia spoke to him.
“You will be alright now, Tirek. The spell has been lifted.” Tirek twisted himself to look at Celestia. For once, instead of looking angry, his face had an expression of confusion. Celestia elaborated. “You were placed under a fear spell, forcing you to see your worst fears.” Tirek snorted before replying.
“Is that your newest game, Discord?” he asked bitterly. “I knew you were vindictive, but I did not think you were that cruel.” Discord made to answer, but Celestia stepped in again.
“What happened to you was not Discord’s doing, Tirek. The fear spell is a specialty of Sombra. For whatever reason, he chose to use it on you.” Unlike Tirek’s cell, Sombra’s cell is not magic proof. Until now, we all believed that he was too weak to use such spells. After all, he had sacrificed most of his magic in reconstructing himself, a difficult spell even by the standards of dark magic.
“I was actually the one who found you, Tirek,” Discord added. “I came down here with Roger to speak to you, and found you like this.” Tirek quickly switched back to his typical twisted personality.
“Oh, so you finally plucked up the courage to visit me again, did you?” he asked venomously. I could see Discord’s talon quietly snapping every now and then, half casting magic.
“Yes, I did. We do need to talk after all,” he replied. Discord then turned to the two of us. “Er, Princess, do you mind if Tirek and I have a moment?” Celestia considered for a moment, clearly in two minds. Discord had after all, implied he would do something terrible if let near the centaur again. Catching her eye, I gestured to her to allow it.
“Very well, Discord,” she said at length. “Roger and I will be near Sombra’s cell. Come and find us when you are done.” The two of us then left Discord and Tirek alone, and headed across Tartarus to where Sombra now resided.
Once again, Celestia declined to join me in visiting Sombra in his cell, claiming that her presence would colour his reactions and responses. So I ended up going in alone, only this time unannounced.
I had hoped my unscheduled arrival would at least give me a fleeting glimpse of the real Sombra, seeing what he did when left to his own devices. However, when I entered the large cavern, I found the dark king standing just behind the metal bars, waiting for me no doubt. Behind him was an image at least, of the throne room of the Crystal palace, as it appeared during his reign. He regarded me coolly with those piercing red eyes as I walked in.
“You really should consider investing in some better quality shoes, Roger,” he commented. His use of my first name unsettled me. “I know you species’ feet require protection as mine do, but I could hear those soles clanking all the way in here. You should visit Soft Step’s shoe shop. He’s a cobbler in the Crystal Empire, and quite a talented one too. I’m sure he could adapt his work to make something suitable for you.” I took the jab in my stride. I was in no mood for games.
“What did you do to Tirek?” I asked bluntly. I expected Sombra to admonish me or throw out some vague hint. Instead, he actually answered for once.
“I merely saw that he received just punishment,” he replied. “I despise rude ponies, Roger. But I also cannot abide thieves. That and, personally, I find the centaur to be rather insulting.” That piqued my interest.
“Insulting?” I asked.
“Tirek uses, or did use, dark magic in order to take magic from the ponies of Equestria,” he explained. “With that magic, he could have done anything he wished. He had the chance to rule the world. And then he squandered it all.” The dark stallion shook his head in dismay, making his lion like mane sway somewhat. “He could have erased Canterlot from existence, and instead he left his foes to themselves and destroyed a small section of forest. It is that act of pure idiocy that wounds me most.”
“So you cast a fear spell on him?” Again, Sombra nodded.
“If you wish to use such a juvenile term, yes. But I spent a good portion of my time simply chatting with him. It’s amazing how emotionally fragile he really is.” He smiled again, exposing his sharp looking fangs that had no place on an equine. “I was surprised you lifted the spell. Would it really make much of a difference given his current sentence?”
“That is not your call to make, Sombra,” I replied.
“In prisons on your world, didn’t fellow inmates harm, and even kill one another though?”
“They didn’t force each other to see their worst fears over and over.” Sombra smiled and began to walk away. I got up to leave, thinking that he had said all he wished, but Sombra called me back.
“Oh, before you go, do take this. I think your colt will find it interesting.” The hairs on the back of my neck stood up at that.
Rule number one of being a solicitor; never talk about family or friends, ever. You don’t talk about where you live, where they work, go to school, or anything else. Just in case. I had never told Sombra about my son, Blade Star, never mind his interest and research into dark magic. Wheeling round, I faced the unicorn king. He looked me in the eye, knowing he had rattled me. He passed me a large tome with his magic, which I took in my unsteady hands. I then immediately left and headed back to Celestia and Discord. Sombra watched me all the way; I could feel his eyes on me until the last.
I found Discord and Celestia just outside of Sombra’s cell. Sadly, I had missed Discord’s dismissal of Tirek as something to concern him. That, however, was beside the point. Sombra had done this to get our, or possibly even my, attention. I quickly found myself back in the throne room in Canterlot, explaining what had happened to the princess.
“Sombra is up to something, your highness,” I declared. “Whatever he did to Tirek, it was not in the name of justice. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if it served no purpose at all. He wanted to speak to me again to throw this at me.” I handed her the large, old tome Sombra had ‘gifted’ me to give to my son. Celestia examined the book closely before replying.
“I would agree with your assumptions about Sombra’s action,” she said gravely. “It would not surprise me if Tirek did nothing at all to set him off. He might have just done what he did in order to amuse himself. However, his knowledge of your family is indeed troubling. I do not believe for a moment that anypony is in imminent danger though. Sombra was only able to harm Tirek since the two are within line of sight of each other. You can rest assured that Sombra cannot reach your family here in Equestria.” I breathed a sigh of relief.
“So why did he do it then? He must have some sort of plan in the works.” I’d known from the moment that I met him, that Sombra was horribly intelligent. At a rough guess his IQ was probably somewhere around one hundred and eighty.
We knew little of how he thought. Of course, it was obvious that he was a psychopath; unable to feel emotions or empathize. But I couldn’t really say how his mind worked. Attempts had been made to analyse several inhabitants of Tartarus, with little success. But while Tirek and other more violent prisoners simply howled and raged at doctors and ripped up any tests they were given, Sombra calmly folded them into origami; evidently at some point he studied oriental culture.
“Sombra has little to gain from such an exercise,” Celestia replied. “The Crystal Empire is beyond reclamation, and his strength, whilst still more than most unicorns, is a shadow of his original power. I wouldn’t be surprised if Twilight could handle him on her own now.”
“What is the book he gave me anyway?” I asked. I was admittedly a little curious. My son studies theoretical dark magic as a sort of side project. He occasionally practices some very basic spells, but does no more than the odd one for analysis purposes. The effects of prolonged use are…well, we only need to look at Sombra to see them.
“‘A Study in Crystal Magic’ by Obsidian Glass,” Celestia read. “It’s a study of the magical crystals within the Empire, looking at how they react to varying forms of magic. It goes on to speculate on the Crystal Heart.”
“It doesn’t sound like it has much to do with dark magic,” I replied. “Why would Sombra think it would interest my son?” Celestia sent the book back to me, wrapped in the golden hue of her magic.
Out of habit, I flicked through the pages. It was mostly very small writing, with a few plates showing what I think were magical equations. Nothing to suggest a malign intent, but nothing to alleviate my concerns either. As I continued to search for an answer, Celestia spoke up.
“Have you considered that this may well be just another wild pony chase?” Celestia asked. “You said yourself that you believed Sombra was toying with you when he asked for you. Perhaps this is all just an elaborate game to him. He sends you down dozens of dead ends searching for a threat where none exists. And all the time, you are in fear of him.” I stopped my frenzied reading and vain search for clues.
She did make a good point. After all, this was a pony that had spent a millennium trapped in ice as a shadow. Like Discord, he was talented when it came to the long game. Was that the reason he had first summoned me? Entertainment? Was I that easy a mark?
At first, I wanted to deny such an idea, and continue searching for whatever Da Vinci like hint there was. But Celestia did make a good point. Sombra’s actions did nothing to help him. As a psychopath, he was incapable of showing true kindness. But, as was seen with what he did to Tirek, he did do a good job of making his own twisted fun.
“I suppose that does make sense, your highness. The best thing to do then is to ignore him. Next time he asks for me, he’ll probably try something new anyway. But think we can ignore him for the moment.”
“I’m glad that you think so, my advisor.” I bowed and prepared to leave the throne room. “Oh, speaking of letting things go,” Celestia said, causing me to stop where I was and turn around. “I’m glad you were able to help Discord see reason today. It is a dangerous thing for a pony to get wrapped up in a need for vengeance.”
Taking the train back down the mountain to Ponyville, I was still in two minds in regards to Sombra. Celestia did make sense; he couldn’t get out or do much directly, so he was trying to mess with my head instead. On the other hand though, Celestia didn’t believe that Tirek would ever be a threat until he got out.
Skimming over the pages of the old tome now in my possession, I resolved to opt for a middle ground. There was little I could do right now, and at this precise moment, I had no reason to be worried. However, as I said before, having been kept in ice for a thousand years, Sombra is undoubtedly patient when it comes to his plans. He was up to something, I just didn’t know what.
It was almost completely dark by the time the train finally pulled into Ponyville’s railway station. Celestia had probably lowered the sun and passed the safety of Equestria over to her sister not five minutes earlier. It was quite overcast tonight, though that was to be expected given the time of year. And, of course, the Weather Patrol was still removing the remains of all the snow Dash had inadvertently thrown at them; a task that was best achieved through the natural method of melting it and turning it into rain clouds.
Stepping down from the carriage, I bade a good night to the conductor and began to head into town. Usually, I would just head straight home. However, tonight I had an extra stop to make. I was going to pay call on Twilight; regardless of the book’s seemingly benign nature, I wanted her to run a battery of tests on it before I put it anywhere near my son.
The unusual castle that Twilight now calls her home shone noticeably against the darkening horizon. She usually kept the place open to all. I found the front door open and after heading past her version of King Arthur’s Round Table, made my way into the large library, where she spent most of her time.
“Twilight?” I called out. “Are you in here?” Somewhere towards the far end, a few piles of books shifted and the small purple alicorn pony emerged. Evidently she’d been engrossed in one of her study sessions. Following up behind her, was her assistant, Spike, the baby dragon.
“Oh, hey, Roger,” Twilight greeted. “What brings you here?”
Now obviously, I had to tell Twilight where I had gotten this book from. But Celestia had asked me, for reasons that I still don’t fully understand, to not mention Sombra. I had of course, protested at that. Why the hell would she not keep Twilight in the loop about one of Equestria’s foes that she helped defeat? However, the princess was resolute in her decision, asking me to trust in her good judgement. While I wasn’t entirely happy with that, she was several centuries my senior, and my boss. So, I compromised.
“I came across this book in Tartarus, Twilight,” I said. See, technically that’s the truth. “It seems like the sort of thing you or Bones might be interested in. But I figured it would be best if I let you double check it for magic or enchantments. We don’t want a repeat of that ‘Inspiration Manifestation’ spell after all.” Twilight nodded. I let her take the book in her pink coloured magic.
“Hmm, this is interesting,” Twilight said, after she had finished reading a few pages. “I don’t think I remember coming across this in the library in the Crystal Empire. Spike?” She turned to her assistant/little brother/son/pet. “Do we have any record of this book? I’d swear that I’ve never read it before.” Spike briefly took a look at the ancient tome.
“You would know, Twilight,” he replied jokingly. “You’ve read every book in this castle at least five times.” That got him a glare from the Princess of Friendship. “I think you’re right though. I don’t remember seeing this here either. And we have the whole catalogue from Cadence.” Twilight’s brow furrowed. There was a conundrum to be solved.
“I guess you were right to bring that here, Roger,” she said. “Ordinarily I’d just say it must have been misfiled or something. But the fact that you found this in Tartarus is a reason to worry. Give me a couple of days, and I should be able to give it a thorough once over.”
“Thank you, Twilight,” I said, smiling. “I appreciate the help. I know you have enough on your plate as it is with that map sending you all over the shop.” For some reason though, Twilight frowned at that. “Anyway, I best get going. Thanks again for the help.” I then left the two, heading back outside and on towards home.
I got home and found she who must be obeyed in the kitchen working on the dinner. I was noticeably later than I usually was, and I was starting to feel quite tired. Honestly, some days are almost exactly like my days back on Earth when I had my own firm, commuted four hours each day, and usually dragged home a metric ton of paperwork.
“I’m back!” I called as I closed the front door and hung up my coat on the nearby hanger.
“You’re home late,” my wife responded. “Busy day?” Ah yes, our usual discussion when I got back. ‘How was your day with the pastel coloured ponies, dear?’
“Sort of. One of the prisoners in Tartarus raised hell. Me and Discord had to fetch Celestia to help us break it up. I tell you, it’s like custody cells on a Friday night down there sometimes.” That quickly brought my wife running out of the kitchen and straight out to me, fussing like a mother hen.
“What was it? What happened?” she asked. Undoubtedly, she wanted to know, partly due to actual concern for my safety, but also so she could use it as evidence to stop me having to go down there. As such, I didn’t tell her about how the supposedly dead pony Hitler had attacked a magic sucking sociopath by making him see his worst fears come to life.
“Just a couple of them taking swings at each other. We just needed Celestia to help reverse a few magical effects.” Really, aside from the terrifying nature of Sombra’s dark magic, it was just a fight between inmates, and you saw that routinely in the drunk tank.
I’m not saying Tartarus isn’t dangerous; because it is, and quite scary at times. But I’m quite safe down there. Knowing Discord, he’s usually never far away, and Celestia has to be close to watch and maintain the portal to and from Equestria. Over my career, I have had clients kick off on me. I even accidentally got hit by pepper spray once when one guy just went haywire in the interview room. It’s a risk, yes, but there is always security. If worst comes to worst, I can just yell for Cerberus. All the denizens of Tartarus are scared of him, even Sombra.
“You know I worry about you going in there,” she replied. I wrapped an arm round her in a hug.
“Oh come on, it’s no worse than back on Earth. And none of those fruitcakes are gypsy glue boilers that cut their brother’s head off when they get in a fight over a football.” True story that is. That got her to roll her eyes.
“Still doesn’t mean I have to like it,” she said in a sing song voice. I changed the subject, I didn’t want to keep thinking about Sombra, or any of the other nutters I deal with on a regular basis.
“So how was your day, anyway?” I asked. The two of us began to walk back to the kitchen, which also doubled as the dining room.
“Oh, you know; same old, same old,” my wife replied. “They’re certainly a lot better behaved than those buggers back at St. Michael’s!” I laughed at that, and before long, we sat down to dinner.
My wife is an excellent cook, for the record. I can cook, sort of, and I do from time to time. But she’s always been more talented at that sort of thing. Equestria doesn’t really have much in the way of processed foods. They do exist, of course. But out here in the sticks, most of our food is bought from the local market. All of that is fresh produce, all very Cotswolds.
The only thing we can’t get as easily of course is meat. Ponies are herbivores by nature after all, although pegasi do occasionally go in for fish. To get around that issue, Fluttershy kindly volunteered to keep us supplied, and in turn I gave her a little money to keep her feed stocks up. Despite her sweet nature, she’s quite skilled when it comes to gutting and dressing animals. She has a whole shed behind her cottage filled with deer carcasses for goodness sake! They all died naturally, mind you. I don’t even want to think about what the normally shy little pegasus would do if anypony tried to go hunting any of her animal friends.
We were just about to have dessert; my wife’s homemade sticky toffee pudding, when there was a knock at the door.
“I’ll get it,” I said, dabbing my mouth with a napkin so that I looked at least somewhat civilised.
Heading out down the hall to our large front door, I quickly undid the deadbolt and opened the door to let whoever it was in. However, to my surprise, initially there seemed to be no one there.
“Er, hello?” I called, looking out. I was expecting Discord to jump out at any moment to scare the living daylights out of me. And ask if he could crash on our couch. Again. As it turned out, it wasn’t Discord though.
“Down here,” a young voice called. Looking down I realised that my visitor was Spike. The baby dragon is small compared to the ponies, so you can imagine how easy it can be to accidentally overlook him when you’re 5’10. I stepped back a moment and bent down.
“Oh, hey there, Spike. What brings you out here this late?” I asked kindly. The purple dragon held up a pair of golden tickets in his claw.
“The princess sent these with Twilight’s invitation. There’s one for you, and one for Margaret too.” Taking the two tickets from him, I looked them over. There was only one thing these could really be if they came from Celestia herself. I promptly read the writing on the ticket.
“Admit one – Grand Galloping Gala,” I read. My eyebrows might have shot up a bit. “Wow, thanks for this, Spike.” The dragon merely smiled before saying he needed to head back to the castle for bed, he is still a youngster after all.
Closing the door again, I quickly headed back to my wife, who had just about polished off her dessert, and was already pouring herself a coffee.
“Who was that then, dear?” she asked.
“Spike,” I replied. “He was delivering these; came through his fire breath.” I put the two tickets on the table. “We’ve been invited to the Gala.”
For those of you who are unaware, let me impress on you the high profile nature of the event known as the Grand Galloping Gala.
Officially, it is a party for the nobility and other old money types to come together and stab each other in the back. However, in recent years it has been opened up more. Government types like myself were invited, as were celebrities such as the Wonderbolts, who do a display afterwards. Representatives from other nations, such as the Griffon Kingdom, Saddle Arabia, and the Crystal Empire were also invited to attend. At this point, the whole thing is quite cosmopolitan in nature.
However, that doesn’t mean it has exactly improved much. Celestia herself had confessed to me that the Gala was almost always awful and a very tedious chore for her. After all, she has to wear her ‘princess’ mask all night long, put up with nobles such as Blueblood, and deal with any other problems that might come up. She told me the first time Twilight and her friends were invited, the end result was the near total destruction of the banquet hall.
So, she does all she can to make it ‘entertaining’ as she puts it. To that end, she invites ponies from all walks of life and locks them in the castle for about four hours for the Gala. The results are usually quite interesting, or so she tells me.
Nevertheless, across Equestria, invitation to the Gala is still something ponies will scratch each other’s eyes out for. It was this party that I had been invited to. Well, that and my ‘plus one’. I could hardly turn up without she who must be obeyed, now could I?
After I told my wife the news, and convinced her to stop squealing, the two of us began to plan out what we needed to do. I had a perfectly fine suit already. I usually go suited and booted when I go to Day Court.
However, for such an event as this, I would probably be better off with a dinner jacket. Whilst Rarity is an excellent seamstress, her speciality is mares and mares’ styles. She made some excellent clothes for me when I first got here, but since then, I’ve done a lot of my clothes shopping via a tailors in Canterlot which she admitted would serve me better.
My wife, on the other hand, had no qualms about visiting Rarity and purchasing one of her dresses. I’ve actually heard mutterings in Canterlot that she is planning on opening a new store within the city itself, with some big name in the pony fashion world helping her manage it potentially. In any case, Rarity had made Gala dresses for all her friends the last time they had been invited. Celestia had been forced to, at least temporarily, blacklist them all due to what happened the last time she invited them. They were now, of course, allowed to return again, in light of the incident with Tirek. I was sure that Rarity would have no trouble cooking up something suitable for her.
The next day was Saturday. With a whole day free to do as I pleased, I decided to go and get my suit for the Gala made up. My wife was doing something similar; she’d already headed off to Carousel Boutique to see Rarity about making something for her.
Taking a somewhat later train, mainly because I tend to sleep in a little on Saturday mornings, I headed up to Canterlot. Normally, I would arrive in the city quite early, hail a cab, and be up at the top of the hill, heading through the palace gates before you could say ‘boo’. This time however, since I would be spending a fair bit of my time in the city proper, rather than the castle, I decided to walk.
In spite of how long I have been here in Equestria, and how long I have been an adviser to the princess herself, I still get odd looks from time to time. In other cities, I’d expect it; there are only two humans on this planet; to most ponies we remain something of an oddity. But you might expect that the ponies of Canterlot would have gotten used to me by now.
As I made my way along the open cobbled streets, I spotted a few faces here and there that I recognised. Mostly members of the nobility or other high society types that tended to frequent the castle. Most have at some point tried to sway me to their favour to some degree or another; a consequence of court intrigue I suppose. Quite a few of them would undoubtedly like to see the back of me. Mind you, there are plenty who I get along with. It would be wrong to write off all the nobles as being self-serving, uptight, backstabbing jackals. Quite a few I got on with, some I even call friends.
Working my way down a few side streets and back alleys, I quickly found myself in a less densely populated part of Canterlot. There’s no real lower class area; only the rich can afford to live in the city after all, but this neck of the woods was definitely far less frequented than other parts.
As I passed by a certain old oak door, with a red coloured lantern hanging near it, I made a right coming out into a moderate side street. I knew the ‘pony’ that lived and worked there, and had had a couple of dealings with her. I didn’t partake in her services of course, but every now and then our paths crossed.
Anyway, making one last turn, I finally reached my destination. This particular shop had been recommended to me by Rarity as an excellent gentlecolt’s tailors. Like its neighbours, the shop was tucked away and was quite unassuming with only a small hanging, hoof painted sign to advertise itself.
‘Elusive’s of Canterlot – Established 964 CR. Fittings and Alterations.’
Pushing open the modest front door, I heard a bell jingle above me slightly. Closing it behind me and making my way into the shop, I searched for the proprietor.
“Elusive?” I called out, he may well be in the back of the shop working on his designs. “Elusive, are you in here?”
The shop front was modest, but nevertheless indicated that I had come to a fairly high end establishment. There are many tailors and fitters in Canterlot, and other major cities like Manehatten. However, I still believe Elusive to be one of the best in his craft; certainly far superior to many of the larger stores that will try to send you on your way with a slightly altered off the rack jacket.
The whole storefront was lined with walnut panels, and luxurious red and gold wallpaper, and lit by a few magic lanterns scattered along the walls, with plush red carpet underfoot. Jackets, waistcoats, greatcoats, hats, scarves, and cloaks hung on mannequins arranged around the shop floor, with a number of styles on display; everything from formal evening-wear, right down to more mundane jackets and shirts. In a world where mass production is not commonplace, and often looked down on, ponies like Elusive still retain their status as artisans.
At the far end of the shop was the counter; a wood and glass affair that displayed a few other trinkets, such as cuff-links, tie clips, and watch chains. On the top sat the ancient, old fashioned till, along with a couple of fabric books for clients to look through, as well as an old sewing machine and a phonograph, which was playing some classical pieces. Off to the side, there were a couple of full length mirrors for ponies to try different styles. Behind the counter was the door that led to the back of the shop, where Elusive did most of his work, and also where he had his dressing rooms.
As I approached the counter, Elusive emerged, evidently having been working on some project or another. He was a short and lean unicorn stallion, with a white coat and well-trimmed purple mane, and large blue grey eyes that showed a keen intellect. He actually reminds me a fair bit of Rarity, although in contrast to her diamond cutie mark, his was that of a tape measure. There was an actual tape measure hanging around his neck, sitting in the collar of the deep red velvet waistcoat he was wearing. Elusive quickly recognised me.
“Ah, Roger, my old friend,” he said, greeting me with his usual accent, a mix of Manehatten with hints of Sifillyan. “Here for some alterations, are you? Or is it a bit of repair work?” I came here with a certain regularity, I must admit. Elusive is excellent at fixing minor damage, to the point that you would never guess that the rip or tear had ever been there. And I have an unfortunate knack for getting myself snagged, or finding myself running hell for leather though a drainage pipe as the case may be.
“No nothing so trite this time, Elusive,” I replied, smiling, and holding up my Gala invitation. “I need something befitting of the Grand Galloping Gala and I was told you could provide.” Elusive took on a look of surprise before quickly recovering.
“My, my, you are moving up in the world, aren’t you?” he said. He quickly made his way from behind the counter to come and stand with me. “So, do you have any ideas what you are looking for then?” I nodded.
“I’ve been to parties like the Gala once or twice on my old world. Usually I’d go with a full dinner jacket or something like that.” Elusive nodded, agreeing with me.
“Yes, most stallions that do make it to the Gala tend to go for a formal shirt and suit. Although I know a few who can get away with just a collar. But you, yes, you need a full suit I think. What about material?” Ah, here’s where I tend to fall down. I’m not that knowledgeable about fashion, even of my own gender. Luckily, Elusive is an expert. He quickly picked up on my silence.
“Hmm, well I think a lighter colour might suit you better first of all,” he offered. That made sense; my work suit was more of a charcoal grey; wearing a black suit just made me look horribly pale. Elusive briefly popped back behind the counter and retrieved one of his fabric books. Flicking through the pages as it hovered in his magic, he began to offer some suggestions.
“Here, this might be something that would look good on you; Sifillyan wool. It’s fairly strong, comfortable to wear, and breathes well.” I felt the sample piece, running the material between my fingers. It was very soft to the touch and felt thinner than it appeared. The material in this instance was much lighter than my work suit, but still a ways off from touching silver. I nodded to Elusive.
“Yes, it certainly seems a good bet. Do you have it in stock at the moment?”
“Not enough to do both the jacket and the trousers, I’m afraid. But I should be able to get it sorted and made up within the week.” Even with alterations, that would be plenty of time before the Gala. “I do think, though, that there may be a large sized jacket around here somewhere.” The stallion began to skirt around the mannequins in the store.
“Here we are,” He said, levitating a jacket off of its stand. “I know it’s not ideal, but this will give you an idea of how the colour will go and how the jacket sits.” A pony’s build is naturally quite different to my own. But in a pinch I can wear a jacket or jumper.
Settling it on over my shirt, the jacket draped loosely over me. The shoulders were naturally too wide and the sleeves too thick, particularly around the wrists. However, as Elusive said, it did give me an idea.
“Oh yes, very nice,” I said approvingly. “Gives a sort of Bond villain look.” I smiled, though my reference was lost on Elusive. I removed the jacket and passed it back to him to place back on the manikin. Elusive rubbed a hoof under his chin.
“Right then, that’s the material. I’ve got your measurements on file, though I would like to double check all that to be on the safe side. This suit will be a slimmer fit than your other suit; less room for error. You should be fine with a white shirt. Tie?” I thought. I had a few of course, but most of them wouldn’t go with the more formal nature of this gala suit.
“I’ll definitely need a bow tie for the dress code,” I replied. Elusive nodded in understanding.
“Yes, and it’ll have to be black to, or very close to it. I’m just a bit worried that a black tie will have the same effect as a black jacket, and make you look pale.” He paused for a moment. “Let’s try a couple for a moment, shall we?”
Rooting around in a couple of boxes, Elusive picked out a couple of bow ties. Proper ones too, not those clip on things. I just hoped I could still remember how to tie them. He passed one of them to me in his magic.
“That’s a light as I dare really, I’m afraid,” he said. “It has to be a dark colour, but it shouldn’t draw too much colour from your face.”
Tying a quick bow and pulling it taught, I turned to the mirror again. It looked perfectly fine to me. Elusive can be something of a perfectionist at times. So, I now had a white shirt, light grey jacket and a very dark grey bow tie. I looked the part.
“I think I can pull this off, Elusive,” I declared. “What do you reckon?” The white unicorn nodded in agreement and smiled.
“Right, that should be everything,” he said as he finished his notations. “If you’ll just come on back to my dressing room and we can double check your measurements.”
A few days later, and I was retracing my steps back to Elusive’s shop. Court had broken up for its usual lunchtime recess. I’d actually been quite busy today, with a couple of quite serious cases requiring my attention, and seeing me summoned to the throne room. The first had been an extremely bitter land dispute from way out in the bayou country, which had taken the better part of two hours to fully resolve. And the second was one of several new proposals from the princesses to roll back the more hard line anti-changeling laws that had been brought in after the Royal Wedding. With no signs of any further attempts at attack, and strong evidence to show that the changelings were a spent force, it was deemed time to start reducing some of the more extreme measures, which only served to add fuel to the paranoia fire.
With both of those cleared out of the way, I had decided to grab a quick lunch at Donut Joe’s, and then head to Elusive’s to pick up my suit. Following the familiar path through side streets and alleyways, I once again found myself outside his humble shop. This time, as I entered, the alabaster unicorn was busy hoovering the shop floor. He shut off the 1950’s looking appliance as I walked in.
“Ah, wonderful, perfect timing!” he said as he trotted into his back room. He returned a moment later. “Well come along, come along! Your suit’s all set up and ready for you to try on.” I followed him back to his dressing room.
Slipping the suit and tie on I turned to look at myself in the mirror for a moment; it certainly looked brilliant. Elusive had really outdone himself this time. Pulling back the plush curtain of the dressing room, I stepped back out into the shop to see the suit in a better light.
“As you can see,” Elusive said. “This is quite an improvement over the last suit I made for you. See, hoof crafted wool, reinforced seams, invisible stitching, and, naturally, silk linings.” I paused for a moment to examine myself in the full length mirror near the counter. Turning around a full three sixty, I smiled.
“As ever, Elusive, you outdo even yourself.” The stallion was still however double checking everything, ensuring the whole suit sat on me properly without any signs of sagging or tautness. Still, he quickly satisfied himself on that front.
“So, how much do I owe you?” I asked. I’d gotten a rough idea of pricing from last time, though naturally, given the materials he’d used this time, I expected it to be noticeably steeper. Elusive thought for a moment.
“Hmm, call it three hundred and fifty all in, I think,” he said. I was actually expecting a lot worse. I’d gone and asked Rarity about the material Elusive had been using, and she’d told me it was very high end, as in Savile Row high end. I quickly fished a bag full of bits out of my briefcase and counted out the amount for him.
“Right, you should be all set, my friend,” Elusive said, as he placed the suit in a specialised suit bag to protect it from the elements outside. “I hope you have a good time up there. Oh, and give dear Rarity my best.” I smiled and nodded as I made for the door.
“Will do. Thanks again, Elusive.” The bell jingled as I departed.
A couple of nights later, the wife and I were waiting outside our front door for our ride. As an advisor to Celestia, I was entitled to a ride in a castle chariot to and from Canterlot for the Gala, with she who must be obeyed along for the ride.
I was all set to go with my very nice looking dinner jacket, complete with matching trousers, dress shoes, tie, cuff-links, and even a display handkerchief. As one famous writer put it; I was neat, clean, shaved, and sober. And I didn’t care who knew it.
Margaret was equally done up, dressed to the nines in a very nice deep blue dress and cardigan made for her by Rarity for a nominal fee. This was complemented by a small faux pearl necklace, one of the many trinkets that had come through the portal when it had opened last new year’s. She’d even gone for a pair of high heels too; although being only five feet tall, it only raised her to about 5’2.
The clock in town was just beginning to strike half past five when the chariot descended from the clouds and touched down on our front lawn. It was the usual gold and white design that Celestia and the Royal Guard commonly made use of, with two pegasi in their resplendent armour hitched at the front.
“Good Lord!” I exclaimed. “And here was me thinking you two would be taking the night off tonight.” The two pegasi that would be our cabbies tonight were Duck and Cover. The two pegasus ponies were long serving members of the Royal Guard. They’d been transferred to pulling chariots after the pair, whilst on patrol in heavy fog, lost their bearings, almost collided with another patrol and nearly found themselves being scraped off the castle’s outer wall. Still, they are both good fliers and guardsmen.
“No such luck tonight!” Duck called back as we boarded.
“The princess is pulling out all the stops for the Gala. Security is pretty tight, so they needed a few extra hooves to help with transportation,” Cover added.
“Well, it’s only a short trip to Canterlot,” my wife replied consolingly. “At least you won’t be stuck standing at attention all evening.” The pair laughed at that.
“Very true, Mrs. Owen,” Dusk said. He then turned to his colleague “Right, let’s get going. On three okay?” And with that, we took off into the evening sky.
Canterlot Castle shone and glittered against the darkened horizon as we steadily descended to land in front of the palace gates. It was Celestia’s long standing policy to greet everypony when they arrived, whilst the ever present guards checked their tickets. The two pegasi that had hauled out chariot up here had done a great job. In spite of the cooler night time temperatures, and the wind, the ride had been smooth and comfortable for the two of us. As we came into land, the ponies flapped their wings harder to check out descent, ending with a gentle landing just outside the gates.
“Alright, here we are,” Duck said. “Just follow the queue to the main doors. Enjoy your evening, and we’ll pick you up in a few hours to take you home.”
“Thanks again, you two,” my wife said pleasantly. “Hang around when you get us back and I’ll fetch you a little thank you for your troubles.” With that, the duo departed, allowing the next chariot to land.
“Right, come along, dear,” I said. Taking her by the arm, the two of us worked our way along the path to the large main doors at the front of the castle. We soon found ourselves in a mid-sized queue that led up the steps. Evidently we’d arrived just as the big rush was starting. The ponies around us were dressed in attire similar to our own, with the stallions wearing expensive looking dinner jackets or collars, whilst the mares were resplendent in a menagerie of dresses, a few of which were undoubtedly of Rarity’s design. As we continued to work our way forwards, I saw two ponies that I recognised.
“Bones! Applejack!” I called out. The two ponies ahead of us promptly turned around to see who it was. Much to my enjoyment, my son quickly tried to conceal himself when he spotted me. I do love embarrassing him though. With Applejack dragging him along, the pair came over to say hello.
“Hey, Dad,” my son said, speaking with his marked southern accent that he’d adopted ever since he started living with the Apples. He was gussied up in a very nice jacket and shirt combo. An aqua coloured jacket, with an off white shirt. And for good measure, a light orange bow tie. The oddest thing though was his mane; for whatever reason, he dyed it so that it was bone white.
“Bones, you look positively ridiculous,” I declared jokingly. Still, at least it was formal attire.
“Ah thought the colour change might make me look a bit more distinguished,” he replied, fluffing his mane a little. It was odd to see him without his Stetson hat on, never mind his usual blue mane. “Besides, at least it doesn’t look as though my collar’s gonna cut off my air supply.” Luckily, at that moment, my wife turned our attention to Applejack.
“I see you sprung for one of Rarity’s dresses too, Applejack,” she said. The orange farm pony nodded.
“Rarity was kind enough to do a little work fixin’ this up. She made it for me back when we all went to the Gala that first year.” It certainly was a sight. Unsurprisingly, the mare had gone for an apple theme for her dress. It was very pretty, I’ll give it that, but anything more stretches far beyond my knowledge of fashion.
It was at that point that the four of us reached the front door and the princess. Unusually, she too had dressed herself up for the occasion. Celestia is not one to be seen to indulge in passing fashions. At previous iterations of the Gala, she had appeared in her typical crown, horseshoes, and regalia. Tonight though, she wore a rather impressive purple, violet, and lavender ensemble that hung loosely over her larger frame.
“Applejack, Blade Star,” she greeted the two ponies before us. “Wonderful to see you again.”
“Likewise, your highness,” my son replied, touching the brim of an invisible hat as a sign of respect. Celestia then turned her attention to the two of us.
“And my dear advisor. Welcome to the Grand Galloping Gala. Thank you for coming along too, Margaret.” The two of us bowed as protocol dictated.
“Thank you for inviting us, princess,” my wife replied.
“With Applejack here, that makes all of Twilight’s friends accounted for. Although I’m starting to wonder where Discord has gotten to. I sent him an invitation this year as well. Anyway, I shall see you two inside.”
We then left the princess to continue greeting all her guests, something she insists on doing personally, I might add. Heading inside, we found ourselves in the large open ballroom. The place was filled with ponies, all mixing and mingling. As we came in, a castle servant announced us both, which made she who must be obeyed blush quite adorably.
And so, the two of us happily mingled amongst the attendees of the gala. Having become friendly with a fair few of the nobles, as well as government types, and ponies within the Royal Guard, there were plenty of ponies for me to introduce my wife to. Quite early on, we joined my son, who had peeled off from Twilight and her friends with Applejack, to talk with Major Hartwin, a griffon officer temporarily seconded to Equestria as part of an officer exchange program. We also had a chance to talk with Twilight and her friends as well, including Fluttershy, who had brought along a friend of hers; Treehugger. I’m fairly certain the hippy mare was high as a kite. Ketamine maybe? They all seemed to be enjoying the gala a bit more than last time. I then ran into a very good friend of mine.
“Hello there, Steel!” I called as the two of us walked up to the unicorn. Wrought Steel was one of the top dogs in the CPS, a crown prosecutor. When cases were brought up to Day Court, he was usually first choice for prosecuting on behalf of the Crown. He was an average looking unicorn, with a silvery mane similar to the ghastly dye job my son was currently wandering around with. His cutie mark was of a balanced scales; a fitting emblem for somepony with such strong beliefs in justice and the law.
“Roger!” he replied, trotting over to us. “I heard that you’d been invited. And this must be Mrs. Owen.” He bowed slightly. “Charmed, I’m sure.”
“Wrought Steel here helped us put Trixie away for a year or two,” I explained. “He’s a damn fine prosecutor.” Steel smiled.
“Yes, one who currently takes orders from somepony who used to work for the dark side,” he replied, referring to my previous occupation as a solicitor.
There was only one person who was conspicuous by their absence; Discord. I hadn’t seen him all evening, despite Celestia’s insistence that she invited him. I assumed at first that he had either blown off attending because it would be too boring, or something had held him up. Neither was impossible. Princess Luna for instance, didn’t usually attend the gala as she had to continue holding her Night Court, since, with the moon high in the sky, the governing of Equestria now lay with her.
However, whilst I was mulling over this, the usual hubbub of conversation was drowned out by one of Celestia’s servants announcing Discord’s arrival.
The draconequus entered wearing a rather ostentatious orange suit. However, that was the furthest thing from my mind. Coming along with him was this…thing. It was a large blob of green gunk. Wearing a small bowtie and top hat, it appeared to be sentient, and followed Discord around. He introduced the odd looking creature as ‘The Smooze’. That got my son’s attention.
Bones went storming over to Discord and this ‘Smooze’, grabbed the former by his suit collar with his magic, and dragged him down to his level.
“Discord,” he said, in an oddly calm, quiet voice. “Please, tell me that is not what Ah think it is.”
“Oh, have you two met before?” Discord replied, grinning at the human turned pony. “You should have said something, dear boy.” This only served to irritate him more, not that any of his own magic could have much of an effect on the Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony.
“Ah’m sure this sounded like a good idea in your head,” my son continued. “But please, for the love of Celestia, take that thing away, and stick it back in the volcano ya found it in!” Discord merely nudged my son away, easily overcoming his magic.
“Oh pish posh, dear boy. The Smooze and I are good friends, like Fluttershy and…Treehugger.” His eyes narrowed for a moment as he glared at mare from the 1960’s. “It would be a shame to exclude him, don’t you agree.” Seeing he was getting nowhere with him, my son stormed off again.
And right over to Princess Celestia.
“Your highness,” he declared, interrupting her conversation with Twilight. “You need to get every single pegasus you can lay your hooves on in here right now. Royal Guard, Weather Patrol, civilians, even colts and fillies, everypony! Maybe that way we can get ahead of this thing.” The rest of that conversation was lost to me as I went to talk with Discord myself.
“Hello, Discord,” I greeted, smiling. “I was starting to think you weren’t going to show up.” Much to my surprise, Discord wrapped himself around in what I imagine he thinks is a hug.
“Oh hello, my dear friend,” he said with a false tone of happiness. Once again, he leered in the direction of Fluttershy.
“Erm, are you alright, Discord?” I asked, eventually managing to free myself from his boa constrictor move. This was odd, even for him. He was definitely mad about something, and judging by the veiled looks he was giving Fluttershy and her friend, it was about them. He did tend to spend a lot of time with the soft spoken pegasus. I had actually half expected him to attend the gala with her. Jealously maybe? She was his first friend after all.
“Oh, I’m perfectly fine, now that I’m with my good friend.” Yeah, something was definitely wrong with him.
Discord hung around me for a while before disappearing off with his gelatinous friend. My son meanwhile, was galloping around panicking about what Discord’s friend might do to Canterlot, leaving Applejack to tag along with her friends until he calmed down.
As it turned out though, my son was right on the money. Matters came to a head when The Smooze, engorged with shiny things it had eaten, covered most of the Gala in ooze. Worse still, the material seemed to possess magic dampening properties, so nopony, not even Celestia, could do much about it.
Discord continued to make trouble, eventually blowing up at Fluttershy over how Treehugger had taken precedence over him as her best friend. Then, in a rather idiotic move, he threatened to throw her into one of his pocket dimensions. For the record, this was still in this reality; despite his incredible magic Discord cannot reopen the portal back to Earth.
Luckily for all of us, Treehugger in particular, Fluttershy was able to calm the draconequus down again, and made him see reason. He was then kind enough to rein in The Smooze by way of an apology, though of course, it was too late to save the Gala. My wife and I, like everypony else and the entire room, were covered in sticky, gelatinous goo.
So, the party unceremoniously broke up. Most of the nobles had run for the hills as it was. However, I did need to talk to somepony rather crucially; a certain cello player who was, in some circles, known to take unusual requests.
I found Octavia packing away her cello, along with the rest of the small band that had been playing for the gala. Understandably, she looked quite annoyed, and was muttering something about how her roommate would have loved all of this.
“Octavia, can we talk for a moment?” I asked as I walked up. The grey mare looked up from her work.
“Oh, Mr…Owen, correct?” she replied. “Of course, what can I do for you?” I now changed my voice to a harder, more business like tone.
“You can take a message to Marelone for me.” Octavia balked, almost dropping her cello’s bow. Quite suddenly, she grabbed me and hauled me around to behind the stage, out of sight, and earshot, of anypony else. Getting on her hind legs, she pinned me against the wall.
“Do you want to repeat that? Just in case anypony didn’t hear you!” she exclaimed in a shouting whisper. “What business is it of yours in any case?”
“I have some work both you and him ought to be interested in,” I replied, doing my utmost to sound unruffled.
“Which is?” Octavia demanded.
“I need somepony lifted. Some of his ponies would be a great help,” I said. Dear God, I was walking an old road tonight.
“You have plenty of guards at your disposal,” Octavia countered. I shook my head.
“This one is much more elusive, and time is not on our side. Plus, your ability to operate outside certain norms is most useful. I assure you that all parties will be well compensated.” Octavia thought for a moment before replying.
“Alright, I’ll pass your message on. But tell me first, who is it?” I stared the mare down.
“You’ll be told. In good time.” Octavia held my gaze for a moment before releasing me and returning to her work.
That was another avenue opened; Marelone would contact me in his own time. He’s very human in his own way, hence why the two of us occasionally cross paths. As for the other possibility, it had actually been Celestia’s idea rather than mine, I would head down to Tartarus tomorrow.
With my little errand done, I returned to the little group of friends that had formed; Celestia, Twilight and co, Bones, and my wife. With the party over for all intents and purposes, we decided to head out somewhere in Canterlot. We eventually found ourselves at Donut Joe’s, a good little bakers and coffee house. There we all talked the night away until it was time to head home.
And that was my experience of the Grand Galloping Gala. All I will say is; never again. And I rather think the wife agrees.
“What was that, my advisor?” Celestia asked as she turned to me. She was sitting in her throne, and I was beside her. I promptly shook myself out of my reprieve.
“Oh, er, nothing, your highness. I was just pondering something,” I replied. We had just finished up with another petitioner. I’d been called in and was just about to depart back to my office when I got to thinking.
Twilight and the others had been alerted to Starlight Glimmer’s equality cult by the odd magical map that now sat in Twilight’s new castle. It had alerted them by suggesting that they go to where the town was. It did nothing to tell them why they needed to go there. The same could be said for all the other times it had activated. It always knew when a problem was going to occur, or if there was serious imminent threat to harmony. It alerted them all to Starlight’s plan to spread her nonsensical message by force, and it had notified them of a few other incidents. The question was how?
Equestria is a far cry from a police state. Aside from the few remaining emergency acts from back after the Royal Wedding, as well as the typical DORA type legislation, Equestria did little to invade its citizen’s privacy. So how could this map thing possibly work? It needed to know what was happening, and be able to both determine if there was a threat, as well as prioritise the danger. Most computers on Earth couldn’t perform that kind of task, not over an entire country.
“What was it you were pondering then? You’ve been sitting there lost in thought ever since young Braeburn left.” I thought for a moment, unsure of whether it would be right of me to ask Celestia about it so directly. After all, on some occasions in the past, she had kept some pretty important matters under her crown.
“Twilight’s map,” I replied at length. “I’m trying to understand how it could work. I can’t even think of a magical explanation for it. I was just curious.” Celestia smiled.
“Well,” she said. “I suppose it is fair that you know. You are supposed to ensure I run Equestria in a fair and just way after all. Though I fear I cannot fully answer your questions. Perhaps we should go and see the source.”
Getting up from her throne and announcing a brief recess of the court, Celestia headed out of the throne room and bade me to follow her. We headed out of the main thoroughfares of the castle and towards some of the more private areas. Passing by the princesses’ personal dining room, the two of us made our way up several spiralling flights of stairs. Eventually, we arrived outside a door which bore the emblem of the moon; Luna’s chambers.
I have had a few dealings with Princess Luna in my time here. She’s Celestia’s younger sister and looks after Equestria during the night, raising and lowering the moon, as well as protecting everypony’s dreams. And that’s in addition to the Night Court she holds. She is a stark contrast to her older sister in almost every way. Some ponies see her as quite intimidating and stern compared to the ever maternal Celestia. She is also noticeably more direct in her actions.
When Celestia is confronted with a problem, she prefers to guide ponies to the solution, rather than solving the problem for them, Luna is the opposite. In fact, she regularly has voiced her dissension to Celestia about her use of Twilight and her friends to thwart several enemies of Equestria, particularly Tirek, who became as dangerous as he did for that exact reason.
Celestia rapped on the large doors with her hoof, prompting a few sounds of life from within.
“My sister should be able to answer your questions I think, Roger,” she said calmly. “I’ll head back to court now. I believe I have a meeting with the Prench ambassador.”
The solar alicorn then departed, leaving me to stand alone against the darker princess. Just before she passed out of sight, I called out to her a spot of advice that has been passed down through the generations.
“The Prench cannot be trusted!” That got her to giggle. A moment later, I heard the lock on the door unlatch.
The door opened and Princess Luna herself stepped out. She is a little shorter than me; round about Sombra’s height actually, and a little taller than Cadence. Still, she does have quite the intimidating visage. How my son has become so…well, borderline obsessive towards her I will never understand.
“Ah, Roger. What brings you to my door so late in the day?” Luna is awake through most of the day, but her body clock is somewhat reversed due to her nocturnal nature.
“Sorry to bother you, your highness,” I replied. “But I wanted to ask you a few questions about that map of Twilight’s. Celestia said you might have some insight.” Luna smiled slightly in a knowing way, before stepping back and inviting me in.
Heading inside, I found Luna’s room to be just a little messy. Star charts were scattered everywhere, as were maps of Equestria, as well as maps of its principle towns. Along the far wall was a small library of books. There was also a large blackboard in the far corner of her room (her bedroom, as with Celestia’s chambers, was beyond a second door) which was covered with notes and photographs of ponies I didn’t recognise. Finally, in the far corner was a telegraph ticker. I asked her how precisely the map worked; this is a summary of what she told me:
You are being watched. Equestria has a secret system. It spies on you every hour, of every day. I know because…I’ve seen it. It was originally designed to detect threats to harmony, but it sees everything; minor incidents involving ordinary ponies. The system identified them as irrelevant. Luna, however, disagreed. The Elements couldn’t act, so she decided she would. But she needed a partner; somepony with the skills to intervene. Kept hidden from the authorities, they work in secret. You’ll never find them, but victim or perpetrator, if your number’s up; they’ll find you.
Long story short; the map was part of a wider, passive, closed surveillance system, created by the Tree of Harmony. That was why it never gave details, only a general location, to preserve privacy. Princess Luna had assembled a rag tag band of brothers to help her, since she couldn’t always go off to sort these matters out herself. I suppose you could call them a backup to Twilight and her friends.
Firstly, there was an agent who, arguably, does not exist. Known normally as the gifted author, A.K. Yearling, Daring Do was Luna’s first choice for this kind of work. She’s done work for Celestia and Luna long before this, dealing with the likes of Ahuizotl and other wannabe megalomaniacs.
In addition to her, there was somepony closer to home. Whilst Luna would not give me her alias, a Special Agent Sweetie Drops of Equestrian Intelligence operated out of Ponyville, covering more domestic issues, and assisting with issues closer to Canterlot. She’d apparently been placed there for her own safety too; something about a bugbear, I think.
And finally, there was old Strong Shield. That didn’t surprise me in the slightest. With his espionage and surveillance training from his time in the Changeling Hive, as well as his shapeshifting ability, he made an excellent spy, as well as a contact inside the Royal Guard.
So, Luna had these three ponies acting on her behalf. My next question was how she knew where to go; I didn’t regularly see her going to Twilight’s home to examine the map. And it only activated when it summoned the Elements. To explain that, she pointed to the nearby maps, which were covered in various annotations.
“This,” Luna announced with some pride in her voice. “Is my version of Twilight Sparkle’s map. Not as decorative perhaps, but functional nonetheless.” I looked around; the only map to be seen was a typical OS map of Equestria.
“So how do you get your tip off?” Luna gestured to a small telegraph ticker in the corner.
“The map tells me through that,” she explained. She was about to continue, when all of a sudden, the ticker whirred into life. Luna promptly trotted over and examined the line carefully. Reading the message, I was quite confused. It read as follows:
‘Uncertainty, R, K. Family, A, M. Reflections, J, O’.
Thoroughly confused, I watched as the night princess moved between the various bookshelves, picking up books as she went. At length, she returned to the chalk board, and laid three books on a reading table.
“Right, ‘The Age of Uncertainty: Between the Griffon Wars’, ‘The Importance of Family’, and ‘Reflections on Mirror Technology’,” she said, more to herself than me. The princess began to flick through the books, her horn glowing a soft blue, looking at the first pages of each, and noting something down. With that done, she then turned to a map of Equestria and began to plot a point using coordinates. I was utterly bewildered by what she was doing. The princess quickly spotted my confusion and explained her little setup.
“For all its power, the map does not possess a voice. Telegraph is the only way it has been able to communicate with me after I reached out to it. But, given that the network is accessible to the general populace, it encodes its messages. You are familiar with a library’s cataloguing system, are you not?” I nodded. “The filing codes provide coordinates, allowing me to discern roughly where the problem lies.”
“Impressive,” I replied. I was genuinely impressed too. Whatever this map really was, it was certainly more than a little clever. Luna however, then changed her tone to become more serious.
“I hope you understand the importance of security here. Even with this set-up, I doubt ponies would be happy to find out this is how they are kept from harm.” I nodded, agreeing to keep quiet.
“Ain’t that the truth.” Ponies felt safe knowing that they were protected from the likes of Tirek or Chrysalis. However, they didn’t like to know how. If anypony found out about this, including Twilight, there would be an uproar and everything would be most likely shut down. And then, we’d be back at square one, blind to any future threats. Luna finished identifying the new location.
“Rainbow Falls,” she declared, sticking a pin in the map. “It’s not been that long since I visited there.” She then turned to me. “I’m sorry, Roger, but I need to handle this now. If I remember correctly, you were going down to Tartarus today.”
“Yes, your highness,” I replied. “I had best return to Celestia so she can open the portal.” Today would be something of a change to the norm. Starlight was becoming a major concern, with a reported sighting of her in Canterlot itself. Thus, we wanted to bring all our guns to bear. At the gala, I had already enlisted help from Octavia and her associates, and I was waiting to hear back from Marelone. Now though, at Celestia’s request, I would try to involve one of the few ponies who also eluded Equestria’s authorities; Sombra.
Arguably, it was a pointless move, Sombra had little reason to help me, or anypony else. I could hardly offer him a deal to reduce his sentence now could I? However, he himself had said he found me interesting; he had been the one to ask for me after all. Perhaps, with luck, I could convince him to help. It was certainly a better shot than asking Tirek.
“There’s no need to cross half the castle to see my sister,” Luna said. “I can easily open the portal for you here. Though I must ask you not take too long. I will need to depart soon.” Thanking Luna for her help, and her explanation, I allowed her to open the portal and hurried inside.
At this point, the charms of Tartarus have worn off on me. I’m no longer spooked by the sudden ominous noises, or the unsettling beings that call this place home. Still, I knew to tread carefully, particularly around the likes of Sombra. As I walked, I sung an old tune to myself.
On a cold and grey November morn, As I left Belfast town. In a cold and lonely prison van, For Long Kesh I was bound. But my spirit was unbroken, My heart was still afire. For soon I knew I would be with, The men behind the wire.
Passing Tirek’s cell, and ignoring, what was at this point, the merely irritating centaur within, I made for Sombra’s little cave. Heading inside, I once again found a stone chair waiting for me, with the dark king standing behind the bars. However, this time, the illusion Sombra applied to his cell was different. Instead of the corrupted throne room that I had previously seen, the cell now seemed much smaller, appearing to be an old study of sorts, with dark stone walls, old wooden book cases, and small lectern for reading books. He was doing research.
“Hello, Sombra,” I said as I walked in. A good enough opening, he had addressed me informally the last time we spoke, so it made sense to do the same. He opened his eyes and smiled.
“Roger, so nice to see you again. Has it been a month already?” Damn, he already knew my visit was out of the usual routine. I wondered how, with no clocks or stars to measure the passage of time.
“No, I’m here to see you specially,” I replied, sitting down. I tried opening with a different subject. “Twilight showed me the article you wrote in Scientific Equestrian, on controlling the corrupting effects of dark magic.”
It was published under a pseudonym, naturally. It had been one of Sombra’s few requests besides my continued visits. All were checked carefully before they were sent out. Celestia even went as far as hiring somepony to play Sombra’s alias in interviews and the like. As with the map, it was probably better if ponies didn’t know that an insane unicorn king was still alive, and writing academic articles in his spare time.
“And?” Sombra enquired.
“Very interesting, even to a layman,” I replied. Sombra laughed and shook his head, his lion like mane swishing back and forth.
“You aren’t a laypony, Roger. For goodness sake, you are friends with three of the most advanced magic users of your time. I’m sure you’ve picked up more than most.” True, probably. Between the knowledge I needed to deal with the laws governing magic, and my son who never shuts up about it, I know quite a bit about magic. Enough to at least vaguely understand what Sombra wrote.
Sombra had complimented me, so I had to do the same; it made for an ideal opening.
“I need your advice, Sombra,” I said bluntly. Sombra however, got up and walked to the far wall, scanning the books on the shelves.
“Starlight Glimmer. You want to know where she’s hiding, don’t you?” he said knowingly.
“You evaded capture for almost as long as Tirek. I thought you might have some ideas.” He turned his head to look at me, evidently curious. I continued.
“I thought you might enjoy the challenge; a chance to see if you are smarter than her.” Sombra slowly turned around and walked back to the bars. I knew I’d made a bad move. He stopped just shy of the metal bars and stared me dead in the face. He spoke in a calm, quiet voice.
“Then, by implication, you and your princess friends are smarter than me, since it was they who put me here.” He snorted in vague disgust.
“I’m not smarter than you,” I replied, attempting damage control. Sombra however, cut me off.
“Then how do we find ourselves in our present roles?” he enquired. Well, I suppose there was a simple reason Sombra lost.
“You had certain…disadvantages.” Sombra looked half curious.
“Oh? What sort of disadvantages?” He smiled in that sick way he does when he knows he’s winning.
“You’re insane.” I did my best to get back on track. Sombra however, continued to block me.
“You will not persuade me with such compliments, nor with appeals to my intellectual vanity, Roger.” Ah, here was my chance. Sometimes it’s acquiescing rather than pushing them that gets results.
“I’m not trying to persuade you. Either you’ll help me or you won’t,” I said simply, keeping eye contact with him the whole time. Sombra sat down for a moment, and formed his hooves into a steeple, staring at them intently. Eventually, he broke from his reprieve.
“Is that her file there?” he asked, gesturing to the manila folder on my lap. I did my best to mask my relief, but I’m sure he picked up on it. Lighting up his horn, his black aura gently took the folder from my grasp. Opening the small lock on the file, he began to skim over the finer points.
“Hmm, this will take some time. I shall need privacy too,” he said. “I suggest you call back in a few days.” He then left me, going to the small lectern in his ‘study’, and levitating over a few books and some half-moon spectacles. With little else to do, and with him having apparently ended our conversation, I left.
Heading out again, I walked out of the portal and found myself back in Luna’s chambers, with the alicorn herself standing nearby. I thanked her for her help. Really, it was quite an inconvenience for her. She had to stay there, maintaining the portal, instead of doing anything else; she still had her little mission to direct off in Rainbow Falls. With that, she departed and I had a moment to think.
Sombra had, for whatever reason, probably his own amusement, or simply because I ‘complimented’ him, accepted my request for help. One of the finest minds in Equestria was now helping us determine where Starlight might be holed up. He would go over all the information we had on her, and hopefully offer up some insights. It wasn’t exactly a guarantee, but it was a start.
A few days later, in the early evening, Fluttershy dropped by my house. She had found another note on Cerberus’ collar. As ever, it was addressed to me. It merely stated that Sombra had completed his ‘evaluation’ and wanted to ‘compare notes’. Insha’Allah, that meant he had come up with something useful for me.
The next day, I decided to head straight down to Tartarus. Sombra would probably consider it rude of me if I didn’t come running. And there was no need to waste any time with pretences of delays. As ever, Celestia opened the portal, and I stepped through.
I followed the familiar route to Sombra’s cell. Sometimes I do wish that it was possible to move where the portal came out. But, for obvious security reasons, it had to be near the entrance and near Cerberus. Taking a moment, I went over to the great three headed dog. He seems to like me, having gotten used to my repeated visits. His three heads all lean down to be petted and to have his chins tickled. Really, he is like any other dog. Except it goes where it wants. And it sits where it wants. And it eats what it wants.
Making my way down the long passage and into the cell, I was confronted with another change. On every other occasion I have had to visit the psychopath, Sombra has always been waiting for me, either standing at the bars, staring unsettlingly in the direction I come from, or sitting on his imaginary throne, pretending he is still king. This time, it seemed as if I caught him off guard.
The backdrop was again that of his study, only this time, he was deeply engrossed in reading something, part of the file he borrowed I assumed. His eyes, whilst not glowing with dark magic, nonetheless sparkled with interest. A soft chuckle escaped him.
“Oh, very clever, my dear. Very clever,” he said to himself. “And yet so foolish and infantile. A pity. But still, useful.” I decided to startle him.
“Good morning, Sombra,” I called out as I walked in. However, the stallion did not move. He merely replied.
“And a good morning to you too, Roger.” I had expected him to be caught at least a little off guard. But it was as if I didn’t warrant his attention anymore. “If you want to surprise me, you’ll need to do better than that. I’ve had two alicorns come bursting through a window to kill me; very little surprises you after that.” Feeling like a fool, I took my usual seat.
Sombra closed up the file he was reading and left it on his small lectern. Walking over to the bars that separated us, he sniffed at the air like a terrier at a rabbit’s burrow.
“That’s the same atrocious aftershave you wore at our last meeting,” he said. I took the jab in silence; there was nothing to be gained from it. Instead, I tried to get some control of where our conversation went. The dark unicorn would not make this easy.
“I got your message,” I began, drawing a line under my embarrassment. “I take it you have something for me.” Closing the book he had been studying, and placing all the papers back in the folder they had come in, he turned to me.
“Yes, she is a most interesting mare this, Starlight Glimmer. So very strange; intelligent and yet so stupid and reckless. A full grown mare, and yet still a foal crying for her mother. I doubt she will be a serious problem for your friends. Still, tick tock, tick tock.”
“Do you know where she is?” I asked, impatience creeping in.
“The answer is right in front of you, dear boy,” he replied, gesturing to the file.
“I need your opinion,” I countered irritably. “Now!” That seemed to annoy Sombra.
“I've given you my opinion," he replied coolly. "I did so when you walked in here. I've even told you what she's planning."
“No more riddles, Sombra! Tell me!” I snapped. Sombra didn’t take to kindly to this.
“No!” he barked back. His eyes, for a moment, took on their unsettling hues as his dark magic manifested again. His voice then softened a little. “I showed you a courtesy, and you responded rudely. Before I tell you anything more, you will make certain arrangements.” I did my upmost to repress my anger.
“What sort of arrangements?” I hissed back. Sombra smiled at me; at this point, he called the shots, and the bastard loved it.
“Shall we say…dinner and a show?”
I left Sombra immediately after; if I hadn’t I would have probably have said something that would offend him beyond all hope of repair. He soon sent a note detailing precisely what he wanted. In Tartarus, he knew no hunger or thirst. But, he still had an enjoyment for the finer things in life, and eternal damnation does get boring after a few centuries. It wasn’t easy finding guards to volunteer to go down and pay call on the former king; particularly when most thought him dead.
I next visited him, by his request, as he was getting his ransom. Both Celestia and I were keen to get the information from him quickly, lest we be made to look foolish. Walking down into Tartarus, the usual quiet was replaced by the sound of an orchestra and the strains of a Neightalian opera. At least the twisted demon had taste.
Heading into his cell, I found the illusion was now switched to that of the great dining hall in the crystal palace. Sombra sat at the head of the table, facing away from me. He was just dabbing his mouth with a napkin and listening to the climatic point of whatever opera was playing when I entered. This time, I was determined to keep a better handle on my emotions.
“Are you ready to talk now, Sombra?” I asked. He set down a glass of wine and turned his chair to face me.
“I suppose so, Roger,” he said, sounding half interested. Activating his magic, he turned off the record player.
“Do you know where Starlight is?” I asked. Sombra cocked his head.
“Well, I’ve read the files on her. Have you? Everything you need to find her is right there in those pages,” he replied, being his usual cagey self. He knew, almost certainly, or at least had a rough idea. But for whatever reason he wasn’t willing to share. Yet. I tried appealing to his innate superiority complex.
“Then tell me how.” Sombra got up and shook his head before replying.
“First principles, Roger. Simplicity. Read Marecus Aurelius.” He levitated a book from a nearby shelf and opened it to a certain passage. It was amazing that he could create books like that with his magic from memory alone. I’d finally allowed Bones to look over the one he’d ‘gifted’ me a few days earlier.
“Of each particular thing ask; what is it in itself? What is its nature? What does she do, this mare you seek?” The answer seemed obvious.
“She takes cutie marks from ponies, forces them to conform to her ‘Equality’ philosophy.” Sombra glared at me in irritation, his red eyes glowing, and increased the volume of his reply.
“No! That is incidental!” His voice then returned to its usual calm state. “What is the first and principal thing she does? What need does she serve by robbing ponies of their destiny and identity?” Oh great, all of a sudden I’m in a psychology seminar. I did my best to come up with possibilities.
“Erm, anger? Acceptance? Frustration?” I was about to go on, but Sombra, again quite clearly bored, cut me off.
“No, she covets,” he declared. “That is her nature. And how do we begin to covet, Roger? Do we seek out things to covet? Make an effort; you haven't exactly been a star pupil. Answer now!” I snapped at him.
“No, of course not, we…” Sombra again cut me off. I did my best to calm my emotions, lest I take a bad step.
“We begin by coveting what we see every day.” Sombra smiled again. “Every day another foal gains their cutie mark, discovers their destiny, their purpose, their raison d'etre, their place in this world. And she hates them for it. So she takes them from ponies.”
“That makes no sense though,” I countered. “We know Starlight has a cutie mark. That was what made her a hypocrite. She made everypony but herself give up their marks. Why would she covet that which she already has?”
In response, Sombra got up and walked to the centre of his little study, sitting down again on the floor. He closed his eyes in what was perhaps genuine frustration.
“It isn’t the marks themselves, dear boy. It is what they represent to her. Uncover that and you will understand her, and know her next move.” With that Sombra turned and walked away. The room before me morphed back into that of the throne room of the crystal palace. Sombra made his way up to the dais and climbed the excessive stairs, before settling on his throne again. After that, he paid no more attention to me. Taking the files he had returned to me, I left.
I believe the expression is ‘one step forward, two steps back’.
Sitting in my high backed chair, I stared down at my desk. I contemplated getting out the bottle of scotch I kept on the bottom left hand drawer for special occasions. I didn’t want to risk it though. I needed to be sharp for my next meeting; and it wasn’t going to be with your usual petitioner.
As I said before, I had two avenues to explore in regard to finding Equestria’s second most wanted fugitive. The first had been enlisting Sombra to help. The second had been something more direct. I had spoken to Octavia at the Grand Galloping Gala, and had her pass word to her employer that I needed to speak to him.
Equestria has quite a low crime rate, and there are many reasons for this. Aside from the more peaceful nature of ponies, and the efficiency of law enforcement, there was another factor to consider. In certain cities such as Manehatten and Chicoltgo, there existed another body that kept low level crime down; a body that I like to refer to as ‘Cosa Nostra’, though that isn’t what the ponies involved call it. But yes, Equestria has organised crime, although it has stayed much closer to its old routes than its human counterpart.
The organisation deals mostly in protection rackets, picking up the slack from the local lawmen, as well as contract work. Ponies don’t really have that much in the way of controlled substances, so smuggling wasn’t really a thing. Their big money was in the unions though, particularly where there was any big construction work. They also tended to prosper in places like Las Pegasus, where they owned, or rather controlled, a few of the casinos and hotels.
Anyway, as a result, small time crime was exceptionally low, given that any time somepony messed around with these ponies, they tended to go for a walk in the Manehatten Harbour, wearing concrete horseshoes. It was rather advantageous to me as well. After all, these criminals were much more open to partnership, in a manner of speaking. They kept crime low in the rougher areas in exchange for the Royal Guard and other groups not interfering too heavily. It was a case of better the devil you know, and it was in everypony’s interest to not create too much of a mess. As a result, there was something of a détente.
Similar things had happened on Earth. During the war, the Americans had employed Mafioso types to protect shipyards in New York from sabotage. This was no different; as long as Cosa Nostra didn’t do anything too drastic, such as measuring somepony up for a wooden suit, we allowed their activities to continue. In turn, they helped us when asked.
With their experience then, they were well suited to tracking down a wily fugitive. The Royal Guard and other law enforcement agencies simply didn’t have the resources to run a nationwide manhunt. On the other hand, these ponies could supply us with well-trained operatives who could. Bounty hunters, if you will. There was a price on Starlight’s head after all; if I remember correctly, somewhere in the region of fifty thousand bits upon her delivery, alive, to the Royal Guard.
Mind you, this was not a regular occurrence. Celestia was certainly not in cahoots with these ponies, nor was I. Someday I would hopefully see the lot of them in the dock and sent down the river. As useful as they were, they were still a criminal organisation and I never fully trusted them. But at present, they could be of use to me.
I was expecting a visit from Marelone today. He was one of their higher ups, akin to an officer, but a far cry from the boss; a ‘capo’ to his native Sifillyan tongue. He lived and worked in Manehatten and he was the pony Octavia dealt with. In fact, I rather hoped that she would take up this contract. After all, I had called on her services in the past, and she had never let me down yet. I’d made it clear that I wanted the following in terms of manpower, or ponypower:
I fear that that last one may have thrown them a bit. Still, I expected that they’d be able to find somepony willing to do the work.
Then there came the knock on the door. I was briefly started, but quickly settled myself. The last thing I wanted was to come across as being on edge. Long experience has taught me that you can’t show any hint of weakness around these guys.
“Enter!” I called out, staying at my desk. The door opened to reveal Buttercup, with another pony standing behind him.
“There’s a pony here who says he has an appointment with you, sir,” he said, looking ever so slightly worried. I figured that he had recognised who it was that had come to pay call on me. While they were technically villains, a good many of these ponies, particularly old Speakeasy, were quite well respected in their home cities. I asked Buttercup to show him in, and then to head back to the court.
The stallion that entered was not what you might necessarily expect. He was about my son’s size, though much more wiry in appearance. He was an earth pony, with a chestnut coat and a jet black mane and tail. The suit he wore was clearly expensive, as was undoubtedly the amount of gel that was in his mane. His eyes though were what got your attention the most. While they didn’t hold the same evil that I’d seen in ponies like Sombra, he did have the eyes of a predator, waiting for his chance to strike. He was a wiseguy.
He stared at me across the expanse. I’m quite sure that he would like to have had me done away with some time ago, as would I him. Still, for the moment, there was an uneasy truce between us, just as there was between his people and the Manehatten police.
“Good day, Mr. Marelone,” I greeted neutrally, nodding slightly. The stallion responded in kind.
“Mr. Owen,” his Sifillyan accent plain to the ear, though with a hint of Hocklyn to it. He proceeded to remove his hat and coat, hanging them up on the nearby coat-rack. Silence hung in the air for a moment as we sized each other up.
“Have a seat, please,” I suggested, motioning to the chair across my desk. He stared me down for a moment before complying. The tension was almost palpable. I smiled as I noticed he had dressed casually.
“Drink?” I asked. Marelone shook his head.
“Thank you, no.” He eased himself into the chair and relaxed himself for a moment.
Marelone, as I have already said, is well connected to the less reputable side of pony society. And whilst I may despise him, I still understand him and his somewhat vigilante approach to justice. Conversely though, I despise other aspects of his operation, particularly his little extortion racket we found out that was running in Little Bitaly. In this instance though, he had something I wanted. I could deal with this wop another day.
“I was surprised when our mutual friend brought me your letter,” he said, opening our little dialogue. “It’s not every day the legal advisor to the princess herself comes looking to place an order.” This took me back. How long had it been since I ran an ASU? Marelone spoke carefully, giving no specifics. Everything he said was circumstantial, and open to interpretation. Understandably, he found the whole situation highly suspect. He was right to be suspicious.
“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” I replied. “Would you be able to furnish my request?”
“I might,” Marelone answered, cagily. “How much are we talking?” I shook my head.
Grabbing a scrap of an old scroll and quill, I quickly jotted down a number for him. After letting the ink dry, I pushed it across the desk to him. I saw his eyes widen at the five figure offer.
“This is to clip her and bring her in, not push a button, Marelone. I want that understood,” I warned gravely. “Screw this up, and there will be consequences.” Marelone nodded in understanding.
“Things will be settled up when the job is done. Your superiors will be compensated for their services, as will the associate who does the work. Until then, our agreement does not exist, and is completely off the record.”
“Is that what you want me to tell my superiors and The Commission?” he asked. The Commission was the combined body of Cosa Nostra’s leadership. Whenever problems or conflicts came up, the heads of each territory would meet up to discuss and ideally solve the issue. Think of it as a dark, twisted version of the Royal Summit.
“That’s the job,” I replied, nodding. I then leaned forward. “But impress upon your friends that this is a one-time deal. Any funny business, anything at all, and I will drop the Royal Guard on their heads.” Equestria did have laws against organisations such as Cosa Nostra. But as I said before, it was better to exist in détente. “Contact me when you have an answer and have people lined up. I’d like to brief them myself.”
Marelone leaned back in his chair for a moment, looking at me, searching for a tell. Understandably, he didn’t trust me anymore than I did him. On the other hand, the sum which I was offering was much more than usual, and he undoubtedly wanted the funds. It was certainly more than I had paid Octavia on the rare occasions I used her services. This constituted much more than your average ‘Hector’ type job. A fetch and retrieve job was infinitely more complex than the Neanderthal methodology of removing a few teeth. At length, Marelone reached a decision.
“Alright. I’ll pass the word,” Marelone eventually said. “I’ll wire you when you need to come up to Manehatten.” Ah yes, no phones in Equestria, and few had access to the sort of instant messaging that Spike could provide. Telegraph was the most common way to send messages long distance quickly.
With that, he got up from his chair, retrieved his hat and coat, and departed the way he had come. I allowed myself to breathe easily again. I despised working with bastards like that. But they had the resources and the remit to do what the Royal Guard couldn’t. I also didn’t like it for the memories such meetings invoked. I’m no Italian, but I’d been in a version of that life many years ago, and it was not something I cared to think about. Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I headed to the court to sit in; it would help take my mind off things.
But just before I left, I reached down under my desk, and clicked off the tape recorder that had been running.
Nothing personal, Marelone.
Just business.
Several days later, Marelone wired me to come up to Manehatten. He’d spoken with his boss, who had in turn spoken with the other members of The Commission. They’d all agreed that this arrangement would be mutually beneficial and had agreed to put some of their best contractors on the case, setting up a meeting in Manehatten’s industrial district.
I headed up there as soon as I could, begging temporary leave from the princess. Celestia would have to manage without me today. But given that she’s been doing that since before my great-great-great-grandfather was in nappies, I was sure that she’d be fine. All the major cases for the week were done and dusted, or at worst could be put off until I got back. I would only be in Manehatten an afternoon, heading back to Ponyville that evening, and back at work tomorrow.
Leaving the comfortable and familiar surroundings of Canterlot Castle, and after hailing a cab, I headed back down the mountain toward the railway station. Despite being the capital, and the end of one of the main lines, the station isn’t that large. I got on another gaudy looking train and took my seat amongst the other passengers, most of whom were equally bound for Manehatten.
The train took me back down the mountain towards Ponyville. However, this time I went through my usual stop and followed the line east, towards the coastline. Geographically speaking, Canterlot is pretty much in the dead centre of Equestria, hence its place as the capital. Manehatten was north east from there, sitting right on the coast, a little to the north of Baltimare and Fillydelphia. In fact, as I learned on the train ride there, the city itself was actually its own island; only accessible by crossing the Hocklyn Bridge, or by sailing up the coast.
The city was much like the version I was familiar with, albeit somewhat anachronistic. I’d say it fitted with the New York of the early 1920’s. It was certainly quieter than the modern day New York, though still quite a shock compared to Canterlot, never mind Ponyville. It was city of towering spires, huge bridges, and bustling ponies. I imagined it looked even more impressive by night.
Getting off the train, I found myself in Equestria’s version of Grand Central Station. It made Canterlot’s own terminus seem tiny by comparison. There had to be almost a dozen tracks running in from all different directions, some of which connected with Manehatten’s nearby airfield, where dirigibles and even the odd Griffon zeppelin weighed anchor. I’ve never trusted those things myself though, certainly not enough to fly in them. Aside from the R-101, a zeppelin had killed my old home town’s lady mayoress in the war.
Stepping down into the opulent station, I was instantly stared at by the natives, not an uncommon occurrence really. Despite my odd appearance though, they all treated me to the same Manehatten hospitality. Either in carriages or on foot, Manehattenites are pushy, foul tempered, and foul mouthed little buggers. The number of times somepony yelled at me to watch where I was going, or simply cursed me out in a manner that would startle a Cornish harbour, was exceptionally high as I made my way out toward the exit.
Unwilling to endure the four foot tall balls of angry any more, certainly not all the way to my meeting point, I hailed a yellow cab. They’re actually dogcarts painted in the yellow, black and white livery of New York cabs, with a single stallion pulling. After about twenty minutes, I was finally able to get one to pull over for me. Thank God it wasn’t tipping it down today. Clambering inside, I spoke with the driver.
“Get me to 2271 Industrial,” I said. “The cider bottling plant.”
The place was disused and now functioned as an ‘off the grid’ meeting point for Cosa Nostra types. Marelone told me that he, along with a few of his men would be there, as well as the ‘contractors’ that had agreed to take the job. I felt slightly uneasy going out there, but I doubted even Marelone was stupid enough to try anything. Celestia knew exactly what I was doing in this city, and would come down like a tonne of bricks on Marelone and The Commission if I didn’t come back.
The cab quickly set off. We slowly weaved our way through the midday traffic, and headed away from the more tourist part of the city. The Statue of Harmony quickly disappeared from view. The streets began to change, becoming far less residential and much more industrial. Large factories dominated the skyline in this part of town. However, in this particular neck of the woods, a great many were currently empty, with letting signs from various estate agents out front. About twenty minutes later we arrived.
“Here we are,” the cabbie said bluntly. “2271 Industrial. That’ll be ten bits, mac.” I quickly passed him a small sack.
“I shouldn’t be here long. Mind waiting around? I’ll throw in an extra twenty on top of my return fare.” It was times like this that I thanked Celestia for my ability to charge work based expenses to the crown. Tips and the like get you a long way in Manehatten, and that included this cabbie.
“Sure, I can hang around for a bit,” he replied casually. With that I got out of the dogcart and headed toward the plant.
On the surface, the place looked closed and shut up tight, just like all its neighbours. However, a closer inspection showed one way inside. A side door was propped open, and a small plastic bag was hung on the doorframe. Good, that meant it was safe to head in.
As I approached, I slipped into the same character I had used to deal with Marelone in my office. Call it acting, or regressing to a past self, or whatever; I couldn’t deal with these ponies with my own friendly personality. Perhaps I should have turned up with sunglasses, a buzz cut, and a black pork pie hat.
Heading inside, I was quickly confronted by two thuggish looking earth ponies. This was what passed for security to Marelone. I allowed them to search me, since I had nothing to hide; they were nonetheless intimidating though, perhaps a show of force by Marelone. The pair then silently escorted me deeper into the plant, eventually taking me to the factory floor. It was here that I found Marelone, more goons, as well as the ponies I assumed were taking up my job offer.
“Hey there, Roger,” Marelone greeted, sounding slightly less suspicious this time. I guessed he assumed that my being here constituted incriminating myself. I guess he’s never crossed paths with an undercover cop…or a supergrass.
“Marelone,” I replied. I then gestured to the assembled ponies. “Is this all of them?” He nodded.
“Yeah, these are the ones who were interested in your finder’s fee.”
There was quite the motley collection assembled before us, seven in all. A few I recognised; Octavia for example was here, in her ‘work suit’; a black, unbuttoned suit jacket, and a black fedora with a purple trim. Sitting behind her was a cello case, which I sincerely doubted contained her prized instrument. Well, not the cello in any case.
Then there were a few I didn’t recognise. Most were not ponies; as a rule they aren’t that well suited to the dirty business of sending people to sleep with the fishes. There was a griffon, a minotaur, a pair of diamond dogs, and even a draconequus.
Wait.
“Discord?” I exclaimed. “What the hell are you doing here?!” The draconequus appeared unphased by my surprise or my question.
“The same as any of these bozos,” he replied. “I’m looking for some work. Or at least a distraction.” I was surprised, even by Discord’s standards this was out of the norm. He was dressed in a black suit with a deep red tie. The outfit looked decidedly strange on his serpentine form.
“Since when have you been working for this lot?” Discord merely shook his head.
“I don’t work for them,” he replied, sounding a little offended. “And that’s rich coming from you, Mr. senior government official. You’re the one using this lot to do a guard’s work.” He had me there. “I’m just curious to see how long it takes the others to find her.” This drew the ire of a few of the other assembled contractors.
“Alright, alright, settle down,” Marelone ordered, the group quickly fell silent. “Now, Mr. Owen here has some work for you all, and he wants to place the order personally. So pay attention.” With that he turned to me. I began to walk back and forth in front of the assembled ponies.
“The mare you are looking for is Starlight Glimmer. She’s a political idealist turned cultist. A few months ago, she was found holed up in some backwater town with a bunch of ponies that had had their cutie marks removed, replaced with an equals sign. Attempts were made to bring her in, but she disappeared into a nearby cave network. Since then, she’s been in the wind. I am looking for someone who can bring her in to stand trial. But we also believe that she may be planning a larger scheme, hence why I am looking to you.” The various bounty hunters were all giving me their undivided attention, so I continued.
“There will be a substantial reward for the one who finds Starlight Glimmer. You are free to use any methods necessary, but I want her alive.” At this point I turned to Discord. Deciding to have a bit of fun, I pointed an accusing finger at him.
“No disintegrations!” I warned sternly.
“Fine,” Discord huffed irritably, giving me a fake glare.
I was about to go on, when I was interrupted by the arrival of the cabbie. Evidently he’d seen me go in through the open side door, and was getting a bit bored of waiting. Still, I’ll bet you dollars to donuts he wished he’d stayed hitched to his cab. The Manehattenite found himself being stared down by a boatload of Cosa Nostra thugs, not to mention the merry band of misfits I had been addressing.
“What the…?” he exclaimed. Marelone quickly pounced on him.
“How the hay did this idiot get in here?” Letting out a sharp whistle, Marelone motioned for two of his goons to grab the unfortunate cabbie.
I know for a fact that these people don’t approve of witnesses; particularly when they see a government official seemingly employ a bunch of mobsters and hitmen to bring down an enemy of the state. Like it or not, this little stunt crossed a few legal boundaries. That didn’t mean I’d abandoned my principles though.
“Hey, hold on! Hold on!” I ordered, waving my hands around. The heavies relented and I turned to Marelone. “Why don’t we settle this quietly, eh?” Marelone merely cocked his head. I walked over to the still restrained cabbie, leaning down a little to talk to him.
“Alright, friend. Here’s what’s going to happen. You are going to turn around and go back to your cab, and wait. When I’m finished here, you’ll take me back to the station? With me so far?” The frightened pony nodded. “Good. Now, you may not know this, but I can be quite a generous tipper, with the right quality of service. Do you get what I mean?” Ah the old tricks, it’s always better to pay them to shut up than to shut them up yourself. I think I feel nostalgic.
“Yeah, yeah. I get you, mac,” The cabbie replied.
“Good. Then you can wait out front.” I gestured for the two earth ponies to release him. As soon as he was free, he made straight for the exit.
“Not bad,” Marelone commented, having watched my handiwork. I turned to face him.
“He gives you any trouble, you call me first. Understand?” I replied. I doubted he’d try and blow the whistle, but you never know. I straightened out my jacket.
“Right, unless there is anything else, I’ll drift. Marelone is the only one to contact me about this. Other than that; good luck to you all.”
With that, I took my leave, walking at a modest pace and not looking back. The act had to be kept up until the last. Only when I reached the cab did I let myself relax and slip out of the act I had been putting on.
The trip back to the station was noticeably more tense than the outward journey. The cabbie was sweating buckets, and not just because of hot afternoon sun. I did my best to appear relaxed. We soon found ourselves back in outside Manehatten’s railway station. The cabbie tried to wave my fare, but I insisted that he take the small sack of bits. It was certainly more than the ride was worth, and should be enough to keep him quiet for all day.
Conversely though, if push came to shove, he would be a good ace in the hole to prove what had really happened sometime in the future. After all, after Starlight, these scumbags were next on my list. Grabbing my notebook, I jotted down his number. What had happened today could put Marelone, and quite a few others, away for a long time.
Getting on the next train bound for Canterlot, I headed back home. Since it was almost half six when I reached Ponyville, I decided that I would get off there, rather than continuing on to Canterlot.
Heading to the library, I had Spike send Celestia my report on what had happened. It was probably more secure than taking it to her personally, as my copy was incinerated as soon as it was sent. Spike was like a walking, talking Enigma machine.
With that done, I set off for home. However on the way, Discord dropped in and began to walk with me. He seemed fairly subdued for once.
“Well, that was an interesting day, eh?” he commented as we turned onto Stirrup Street.
“Sure was, old man,” I replied. “I certainly didn’t expect to see you there.” Discord chuckled lightly.
“I could say the same for you. I certainly didn’t think you had it in you to hang out with those lowlifes. But you rather fitted the bill.” Snapping his talons a moment, he changed my usual suit into something far more expensive looking that better fitted a Chicoltgo gangster.
“Eh, some things you never forget.” I quickly realised that I’d spoken without thinking. Discord, naturally caught on. Luckily though, he didn’t seem to believe me. In fact he burst out laughing, even going so far as to hover in mid-air as he doubled up in agonising laughter.
“Oh, that’s rich,” he said, after he recovered himself. “Imagine you as a gangster.”
“Well, you represent criminals long enough, you pick up a few things,” I replied, recovering things well. “It always helps if you can speak their language.”
We continued chatting idly as we made our way towards my house. I stopped at the garden gate.
“Well, this is me,” I said, with an air of finality. “I’ll see you tomorrow sometime. Drop by my office when you’re done bugging Celestia.” Discord smiled. Snapping his talons, he disappeared in his usual flash of white light.
Closing the gate behind me, I walked up the garden path and unlocked the front door. The long day, and very basic lunch on the train, had left my hungry for a decent dinner.
With my ‘order’ placed with the relevant ponies, and with Sombra unwilling to offer any further information, I could afford to stop thinking about Starlight for a while. After all, as much as a potential threat she is, I did have other issues and cases to deal with. Celestia’s legal advisor can’t just bunk off to go chase pony David Koresh. As ever there were other petitioners, cases and meeting to deal with.
The Royal Summit was getting ever closer, meaning I would soon be very busy, meeting with representatives from all over Equestria. And in addition to that, given that Cadence’s negotiations with Yakyakistan were still going well, it was possible that we would be having a delegation come to Equestria within the next month or so. Really, things had been quiet for the most part since Hearth’s Warming.
However, my role as a government minister, as you have already seen, often extends outside of court. If there’s a big political show, I, along with everypony else in the castle, are usually required to make an appearance. For example, I found myself sitting with Shining Armor for Celestia’s birthday celebrations last year, when the Royal Guard conducted their regular Trooping of the Colour. It was a similar ceremony that I would be called to attend next.
I was startled from the paperwork I was finishing up by a knock on the door to my office.
“Come in!” I called out. It wasn’t too often that I got visitors, aside from Buttercup when the princess dispatched him to bring me to the court. I occasionally got a visit from the odd noble, either a social call, or the odd political move. I try to keep myself out of court intrigue, but it isn’t easy.
In this case though, it was neither Buttercup nor a member of the nobility. It was one of the senior officers in the Royal Guard; the head of the general staff in fact. His uniform was a little different to that of your common or garden variety guard, but more toned down than Shining’s captain uniform. The stallion was a pegasus, his coat white due to the enchantment on the uniform, with the usual blue mane and tail. His expression was stern, though not in a threatening way. No, this particular stallion was more bureaucrat than soldier, and consequently had a serious stick up his rear end. Doing my best to suppress a sigh, I addressed the stallion as he stood before my desk.
“What do you want, Darling?” The stallion’s left eye twitched slightly. It was as if a knife was buried in his chest, and every time somepony called his name, it was twisted a little more. He spoke in a tone laced with acid.
“It’s Lieutenant Sweet Darling to you!” he snapped back irritably. “You’re to attend a military procession tomorrow; visiting griffons.” That peaked my interest.
“Oh, because of that business up in Griffonstone, right?” I asked. Griffonstone had once been one of the more prosperous city states that made up the Griffon Kingdom, though it had fallen by the wayside many years ago. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie had been sent there by the map, and somehow, the two had managed to turn the settlement around quite a bit. Magic of friendship and all that.
“Yes,” Darling replied, still hating the fact that he was playing the messenger. “The king himself cannot attend, but he is sending some of his most senior military officers as an envoy to thank Princess Celestia for sending those two mares. We are going to put on a little show for them, along with a few meetings. Call it a dry run before that dammed summit.”
“I take it all the ministers and advisors are required to attend then?” Darling sneered at me.
“No, it’s all just a special show for you,” he replied sarcastically. “Just dress well, turn up on time, and be prepared to meet and greet with those feather brains.” Luckily, before Darling could treat me to any more of his lovely personality, Princess Celestia arrived. Poking her head through the door, she spotted the two of us.
“Ah, there you are, Darling,” she said. “I was wondering where you’d got to.” She then turned to me. “Well, Roger, I guess you’ll be rubbing shoulders with a few high profile griffons in a couple of days. It should be an interesting experience.”
“It’ll certainly be nice for Hartwin, your highness,” I agreed. “He doesn’t get to see that many of his own kind.” Major Hartwin was a griffon exchange officer, temporarily seconded to Equestria as a gesture of goodwill, and as a way of keeping up foreign relations. The kingdom is Equestria’s greatest ally and also a key trading partner.
“I suppose,” Darling responded sourly. The princess looked at him sympathetically.
“Oh, come now, don’t be like that, Darling,” she said encouragingly. “This will be a chance for us to demonstrate the effectiveness of the Royal Guard to the griffons. We’ll do a welcoming ceremony, a short inspection parade, and then move on to the meetings.”
“Well, it certainly sounds like you’ll have a lot on your plate, your highness. I guess you’ll have to skip tomorrow’s game then?” Celestia nodded.
“Sorry, but my princess duties come first.” She then turned to the lieutenant. “Come on, Darling. We’d best be off. I’ll see you around, Roger.” With that the pair left.
“Bye, Darling,” I called after him.
Well, it sounded like it would be quite the big shindig tomorrow. Hopefully things would go better than they did at the gala. This was more of a diplomatic visit though. I decided that I had better make a start on research. Since there was little on my plate at the moment, I left my office and headed downstairs to the archives; there was bound to be a few books on griffon history and culture, and law as well. If I had some time when I got back, I could stop by Twilight’s castle and ask her to give me a quick summary lecture.
The day of the visit was quickly upon us. Twilight did indeed give me a lecture on Griffon history.
Several lectures.
With clip notes.
And PowerPoint slides.
I now knew pretty much all I needed for meeting and greeting with the envoy; everything from greeting customs all the way to the history of the various factions and city states that made up the kingdom.
Of course, I wouldn’t be required to do too much. This was a state visit, so Celestia and Luna would be handling most of the events. We, as in the various advisors and ministers, were mainly there for show. Although I expected we would all be expected to mingle at the reception that would be held in the evening. The griffons would turn up and stay for two days; the usual press stuff, fact finding missions, keeping up foreign relations, the same old game. The two events I would be required to attend would be the military parade when they arrived, during which Celestia would invite the leader of the envoy, some big wig general in the Griffon armed forces, to inspect the Royal Guard, and the reception in the evening.
I was now standing on one of the balconies in the castle, along with the both the princesses and Celestia’s other advisors, as well as Shining and a few other high rankers, Darling included. Below us was the main castle courtyard, in which two sections of the Royal Guard were lined up Nos. 3 and 5 Royal Guards respectively, one each from both halves of the guard.
They were all lined up and waiting at attention, and would present their arms when the envoy disembarked. The courtyard was also ringed by yet more guards, this regiment was on watch, providing security. Pegasi were also in the air and would escort the griffons into Canterlot.
From what Celestia had told me, there were a total of five griffon dignitaries visiting; three general officers and two ministers of his majesty’s government. They would all be flying in by carriage, under escort from four griffon flyers. Not that there was any real danger; the last conflict between Equestria and the griffons occurred back when the kingdom was still the Griffon Empire, several hundred years ago. Still, security remained tight, with some of the old changeling detection protocols being brought back into use.
We had been waiting on the envoy for some fifteen minutes when one of the sentries spotted them approaching. Across from the Royal Guards was the Guard band. This now began playing a piece I quickly recognised.
The griffons made a single dummy run over the courtyard, with their rear escort flyers peeling off and landing at the far end. The carriage and its two forward outriders then touched down at its designated landing point. Unlike Celestia’s own chariot, this vehicle was much more subdued, with a roof rather than being open. It was coloured slate grey, with black griffon markings on the side, as well as two small flags perched by the lamps. The two griffons pulling it, along with the two outriders, were dressed in the usual slate grey uniforms of the griffon military.
With the band still playing the familiar airs, Major Hartwin walked down the line to open the door and greet our visitors; a gesture by Celestia. Opening the carriage door, which I noticed was armoured, Hartwin switched to his native tongue to greet his commanding officer.
“Herr Reichsmarschall,” he greeted, saluting the larger griffon. The combination of uniforms, language, and them music playing unsettled me a bit; too many similarities to Earth. The griffon in question returned the major’s salute and disembarked.
Unlike his counterparts, Reichsmarschall Riverbill wore a more ornate uniform. It was still the usual grey, but with many accents and many more lines, signifying rank, on the epaulettes, which were a mixture of gold and red. He also boasted a chest full of medals, sufficient to make even a Russian think it a bit much. The marshal was the second in command of all of the Griffon Kingdom’s military forces, made up of the varying militia groups that were centred around each territory. The country was a federal one, though it lacked a fully unified government or military below that of the king and his ministers.
Hartwin then led the marshal and the other dignitaries along the line of waiting guards, who promptly drew themselves to attention and presented their arms for inspection. Griffons take military discipline very seriously, and Shining had taken great pains to ensure everything went well. The larger griffon seemed quite impressed, regarding each pony along the line with a stern expression.
At this point, we were all ushered off. Following behind the princesses, we all left the balcony and headed downstairs to meet with the griffons. Celestia would do the talking for the most part; we were just there for show mainly. Arriving on the ground floor, Celestia strode out to meet Riverbill, greeting him like an old friend.
“Riverbill, a pleasure to welcome you to my home, as always,” she said, smiling in her usual, practiced way. The griffon politely bowed to her, as did the others behind him. Hartwin meanwhile returned to stand with myself and the other advisors and military brass.
“Thank you, princess,” Riverbill replied loudly, in an accent that was an odd combination of Slavic and German. “Your ponies are very impressive. It is certainly fortunate that we are allies together!” He then laughed loudly, reminding me of a Russian with his humour.
“Now, please,” he went on. “Allow me to offer the greetings of his majesty. He again apologises for his absence here. But regrettably, matters have compelled him to remain in the capital.”
“That is quite alright, Riverbill. Come, take lunch with my sister and I.” The griffon smiled at that, and followed Celestia off into the castle. He was about to head inside, but as he passed me, he did a double take. Turning around, he stood before me.
“Ah, princess! Is this the alien being you’ve recruited for yourself?” he enquired. I didn’t much care for being spoken of as if I were absent, but did my best not to let it show, putting it down to griffon temperament. Compared to the ponies of Equestria, they are a great deal more direct in everything they do, with less time for social niceties. Celestia returned to stand with the marshal, briefly sending me an apologetic look.
“Yes, this is my legal advisor, Mr. Roger Owen. He comes from another world, known as Earth.” The griffon stuck his claw out, fearing a little for my hand, I shook it.
“A pleasure to meet you, Reichsmarschall,” I said, still feeling a tad uneasy at using such a rank. The old griffon smiled at me. Well, at least he approved of me and didn’t seem inclined to try and kill me.
“A fellow soldier too, it seems,” he replied. “I know the eyes of a man who has seen battle well.” That made my heart skip a beat. I quickly began damage control.
“No, sir. I’m no soldier. A tactician of board games, perhaps. But I’ve never been in the service.” Riverbill regarded me a moment longer, before smiling again and heading off with Celestia into the castle for their first meeting. Hopefully I managed to play his comment down, and nopony would ask questions.
While Celestia was busy entertaining the griffons for a few hours, I had to get back to work. Blueblood had approached me yesterday, asking for an appointment. Not an uncommon thing. He usually manages to get himself in enough trouble to warrant my attention about once a month.
It isn’t so much that he is any worse than any other member of the nobility; it’s the fact that he’s a prince. Compared to his counterpart, Shining Armor, Blueblood leaves a lot to be desired. He doesn’t break the law; often it’s a case of him annoying somepony enough that they wind up breaking it. And whenever that happens, he usually comes to me looking for legal advice, or just help in general.
The last time it had actually involved Rarity. In the past, before she and him crossed paths, Rarity had had something of a crush on Blueblood. That of course, had promptly evaporated at the Grand Galloping Gala, and she’d held disdain for him ever since. I think it was some party in the castle, some fashion show or something, and she’d taken my son along as a sort of chaperone. Blueblood had walked up to her, apparently tried to make a pass at her that would make most pick up artists gag, and gotten a punch in the mouth for his trouble.
It took the better part of an hour to convince him that he might at least be partially at fault. Sometimes I think he might have Asperger’s, since he always seems to miss common social cues. After all, he didn’t seem to understand precisely why Rarity had slapped him, and it took me an age to make him understand.
This time though, it was a little more serious. Somepony had lobbed a bomb at him. Well, not exactly a bomb, more of a balloon filled with paint. But it had been enough to rile up the guards that were with him. Naturally, the pony responsible would be up in court before long for disturbing the peace. My job then, was to help Blueblood with the court proceedings, since he would be required to speak and give a statement. The white unicorn sat in the chair across from me, running a hoof through his blond mane.
“I don’t know, Mr. Owen. Are you sure that pony was trying to kill me?” In addition to having all the manners of an ill-tempered dragon, he isn’t particularly bright. Taking a breath to calm myself I replied.
“Yes, your highness. I’m quite sure. The reports given by your guards made that quite clear.” It irks me no end that I have to address this idiot the same way I would Celestia or Luna. Thank goodness he’s sixth in the line of succession.
“What makes you think that?” Blueblood asked. He was genuinely curious; I certainly don’t think he’s aware of his own reputation. He seems to be under the delusion that he is held in the same high regard as Shining. Burying my annoyance, I tried to keep the sarcastic tone out of my voice. I failed.
“Well, my suspicions were first aroused by his use of the phrase ‘death to the stupid prince’.” I had to struggle to avoid laughing at that. In reality, it wasn’t much of an assassination attempt. But the Royal Guard does love to blow things out of proportion.
I then spent about half an hour listening to Blueblood’s statement. There was certainly enough for a trial. Since it involved a member of the royal family, the case would have to go up to Day Court, meaning I would have to be there acting as a second judge. It would mean a lot of work over the next few days, meeting with the CPS, briefing Celestia, meeting with the defence, and sitting through the trial itself. And the mad thing was that it would all probably end with, at worse, a six month suspended sentence.
With everything written up for the moment, Blueblood thankfully left my office, leaving me to my own thoughts. I would have to think about getting changed soon for the formal reception. The plan was that I’d bring up some clothes and stay in the castle tonight, and then catch the train home tomorrow evening as usual. Given how long this reception would probably go on for, the last train would have gone by the time I left the party.
Closing up all the files and putting them away in one of the filing cabinets that lined the back wall of my office, I tried to relax a little. Riverbill’s comment had caught me off guard. I certainly didn’t think that I gave any indication of being a soldier. I’d left that life behind a long time ago.
And let’s be honest ‘soldier’ was stretching it a bit, wasn’t it? Still, it made me think back; back to my days as a young man, when I had held a gun in my hands. Those were not pleasant memories. No one knew of course, not Celestia, not my children, not even my wife. It was a life I no longer wanted; a life I had walked away from.
Sighing to myself, I leaned back in my comfortable swivel chair. Taking off my jacket, I rolled up the right sleeve of my shirt. I only have the one tattoo, and few have seen it, I have a good cover story for it too, since so few people recognise what it means, even more so here in Equestria. It was a simple design; four letters in faded black ink, on my bicep. It read ‘F.G.A.U’; I’d gotten it back in the day with a couple others when we joined up and took our oath. I’d thought about having it removed, but it always seemed too damn costly. Maybe Twilight had a spell that could do it? Or did it pass for my cutie mark now? That made me laugh hollowly.
Rolling the sleeve back down, I covered the old mark up. I wondered what it was that Riverbill had seen that had tipped him off. What had he seen in my eyes? Well, hopefully I would have a chance to talk with him this evening. Speaking of, it was about time I went and got changed.
Changing into the dinner jacket that Elusive had made, and later repaired, for me. I left my office, locking up as I went, and headed down to the main hall of the castle. The reception was already in full swing when I got there. It had the same general vibe as the gala, only with a few more griffons and less chance of an untimely disaster. There was a small quartet playing at the far end of the room for the sake of ambience, and there was a decent buffet to be had. Much to my delight, I noted there were some halfway decent cold meats available. Griffons are, naturally, carnivorous beasts, so it was to be expected. Most of the ponies were taking great pains to go anywhere near the table, aside from Celestia, who seemed immune to its effects.
Stepping in through the open doorway, I heard the easily recognised sound of a teleport next to me; it was Discord.
“Oh, hello, my friend,” Discord greeted. “I see you managed to get dragged into this as well.” I smiled and turned to my friend.
“Could be worse, Discord,” I replied. “At least it’s only us government types and some guard brass here. No nobility to worry about. Besides, I figured you’d enjoy the chaos this lot would bring.”
It was true, as much as Equestria and the Griffon Kingdom are allies, they do have massive cultural differences that often cause slight disagreements. For example, two guards were looking on in horror as one of the griffons wolfed down the better part of a whole pig in no less than a minute.
“Yes, but do they have to force us to ‘mingle’ with each other?” Discord complained. “I know Celestia likes to promote ‘friendship is magic’ and all, but we’re probably not going to see half these bird brains ever again.”
“Jesus, it won’t kill you to make small talk for half an hour, will it?” I exclaimed. “Besides, I thought you were off being a bounty hunter.” Discord had, along with a few others, taken up the contract to find and being in Starlight. Discord huffed and crossed his arms.
“I’m working on it,” he replied, sounding like a teenager talking about the homework that was due tomorrow. “I can multitask you know.” To be fair, he did track down Tirek in under a day.
“Really?” I replied, deciding to mess with him a bit. “I didn’t know you were a mare.” The draconequus quickly cottoned on to my somewhat outdated joke, and responded by sticking his serpent tongue out at me.
“Alright, let’s get this over with,” he said, with an air of finality. Snapping his talons, he summoned himself what looked to be a US Army uniform, complete with general’s stars, three of the too, and an old GI helmet. He actually looked a bit like General Patton. With that we headed off to go mingle.
Discord quickly left me on my own, whilst he went off to see Celestia, either to make conversation or to annoy her. As for me, I sought out Major Hartwin. He and I were on fairly good terms with each other, and the battle scarred griffon had also met with my son once or twice. I found him, as luck would have it, in conversation with Riverbill, the two seemed to be chatting fairly amicably, or at least, as amicably as possible when they are separated by almost a dozen pay grades. I made my way over to them.
“Hello, Hartwin,” I said as I walked up. The younger griffon quickly brought me into the conversation.
“Ah, Roger,” he said. “I wondered when you were going to turn up. The Reichsmarschall and I were just talking about your old world as it happens.” Hardly surprising, I’ve gotten used to it being a common topic of conversation when talking to new ponies, or in this case, griffons.
“Oh, what about the old blue marble?” I asked.
“I was just telling the Reichsmarschall here about some of the conflicts your country had been involved in.” Don’t mention the war. Don’t mention the war. Don’t mention the war. “We were discussing some of your more advanced aeronautical contraptions, given your species lack of innate flight abilities.” Oh thank God.
“Oh, yes. Well, it’s been almost a century or so since they were first used. Why, when I left, we had aircraft that could fly without a pilot to guide it. It could even drop weapons on its own and land back at its base, flying thousands of miles.”
“Very impressive,” Riverbill commented. “I know in my younger days I led the odd raid into hostile areas. But I can’t imagine flying for that long, certainly not without rest or losing my bearings.”
“Well, the first aircraft were much more primitive, sir,” I replied. “They were made of wood and canvas, they were much slower, and they were liable to blow up at any moment.”
“Still, an attack from the air can be decisive against an entrenched enemy,” Riverbill offered. There was a certain irony to this whole conversation, I realised.
“Not if the enemy has aircraft to go out and meet them. I know my country has its own large network of detection equipment to spot enemies coming well before they could reach bases or cities. And of course, there is the issue of the aircraft’s range. It can all end up in a battle of attrition. Then it comes down to the skill of the pilots.”
“Ah yes,” Riverbill said, smiling. “Technology and advanced weapons can still be trumped by a fighting spirit. Look at this nation for instance. By your standards their weapons may be comparatively primitive, but these ponies are able warriors when the need arises. Were your world and ours to ever lock horns, I would be unwilling to put decent money on either side. It would certainly be a very close run thing.”
“Well, let us hope such a day never comes,” Hartwin offered.
“Hah, indeed, major,” Riverbill replied loudly. Hartwin looked off to the side for a moment.
“Excuse me, Reichsmarschall, but I would like to have a word or two with Captain Shining Armor.” The elder griffon smiled.
“No problem, major. You go and see your captain. I should like to have a good talk with Mr. Owen here.” The major then promptly departed, leaving the two of us to talk. Riverbill turned to me with a look of sympathy in his eyes; something you don’t usually expect from a griffon, even one you consider a friend.
“Come, sir, why don’t we talk out on the balcony?” He gestured at the large open veranda that led out into the cool night air. Since he clearly wanted to talk, and assuming it was the subject I thought it was, I wanted privacy; I hesitantly agreed and followed him.
The night air was cool, with clear skies. Canterlot was lit by the full moon that hung large in the sky, whilst stars were dotted all around. I can see why Bones spends so many nights just looking up. I leaned on the edge of the balcony and looked down to the city below. I felt Riverbill’s presence beside me.
“I’ve seen a lot of them like you, sir. Those who’ve seen too much, too soon, or fought on the wrong side.” He didn’t offer anything more, so I turned to him and replied.
“What do you see then?” I asked half-heartedly. I’d expected to have this conversation one day, but I didn’t expect it to involve a talking griffon.
“As I said when we first met; you are a soldier, or were rather. You have the look of one; your actions, your body language, even the way you speak. You never really forget.”
“I haven’t been one in a long time. And I certainly wouldn’t call myself a soldier. A soldier is part of an army. He follows the laws of war and protects his own people from harm. The lot I was with might have claimed to do the latter, but they sure as hell didn’t do the former.”
“Nor did the foe you faced, I assume,” Riverbill replied. “Speaking from experience, dirty wars are not the sort of thing you want to crow about from the rooftops. But nor is it something you should bury or lock away.” I clenched my firsts irritably.
“Respectfully, Reichsmarschall. I’ve heard this speech before. And that part of my life, it was…well, it was a lifetime ago. I was a different man then. I hadn’t met my wife, I had hardly any family. I was young and stupid. If I told anypony, I doubt they would understand.”
“Possibly true,” he conceded. “But do you want to keep hiding it and wait for someone to find out?” I thought to myself.
As I said, the past we were talking about was a lifetime ago. I hadn’t met the wife, I lived in a different country, and at the time I thought I was doing the right thing. If I told her, she either wouldn’t believe me, or she’d never want to see me again. Relative good guys or not, the side I had fought with was just as bad as our enemies, only we’d lost the political war. Seeing my pensiveness, Riverbill continued.
“I was talking with that Shining Armor fellow a while ago. He told me about one of his officers. He had a bad experience when the changelings attacked, it messed with his head. He tried to bury it, and it almost cost him his career. I’m not saying go sit on a sofa with some therapist and talk about your feelings. I’m just saying to talk to someone. I’ve seen too many griffons walk the road you’re on, and it only ends in one way.”
Sighing to myself, I straightened up again and looked at Riverbill. Half of me wanted to tell him to mind his own sodding business, damn the diplomatic consequences. But, on the other hand, he was right, I suppose. Sometimes the best way to cope with feelings of guilt and shame was to confess one’s wrongdoings. Confession and penance, there’s irony for you.
“You make a good point,” I said quietly. “Talking from experience?” The griffon shrugged.
“All of us can find a maggot in our past, Mr. Owen. It is our failure to accept our mistakes that tends to cause problems, not just the mistake itself.” I smiled a little.
“Come on. It’s dropping chilly out here," I said. "How about I get you a drink?” With that, the two of us headed inside.
After the reception, I sadly didn’t get to see much of Riverbill. His time, as with the rest of the delegation, was eaten up by the long meetings he had to sit through, along with Celestia. With Griffonstone’s revival, some ripples had formed within the Griffon Kingdom, and it was always good to keep up relations with an allied power. They were not legal matters, so I was neither privy, nor particularly interested in the proceedings.
Still, I did get a chance to talk to him not too long before he left. He had suggested that I tell someone about my past deeds, so I elected to tell him. It took a fair bit of prior explanation of course; after all, the griffon wasn’t too well versed in Earth’s history, never mind the intricate history of my mother country. Nonetheless, I told him what had happened. Ponies are far less violent by nature compared to humans, but as a griffon, Riverbill took my stories quite well. As he had said, he’d been involved in the odd dirty war himself. And he was right, if I’m honest. After I had ‘spilled’ my secret to him, I did feel a lot more relaxed. Of course, it didn’t change what had happened, but it did lighten my heart a bit.
Before we parted, Riverbill told me that at some point I would have to tell someone closer to me than him. I promised him, and myself, that I would.
The griffons’ departure was far less grandiose than their arrival had been, though Celestia insisted that she would see them off. I naturally joined her, along with Shining, and a couple other advisors who had sat in on the meetings.
“Well, it is a shame to go, your highness,” Riverbill said. “But I can’t be away from my old home for too long.” Celestia smiled in her practiced way.
“It’s been a pleasure having you here, Riverbill. I would welcome you back any time.” The griffon smiled as his subordinates boarded their carriage to head back home.
Three weeks or so after Riverbill’s visit to Canterlot, I found myself with a day off. Celestia and Luna were both heading down to Ponyville to attend a wedding there. I get on well with most ponies in town, but it isn’t just ponies who call the place home. In addition to Zecora living a little ways out in the Everfree Forest, and the wife and I living in town, Ponyville also has two resident donkeys; Cranky and Matilda.
We actually aren’t too far from their house where we live, and the two of us visit them every now and again, and vice versa. Cranky and I are on fairly good terms with each other. Ponyville does have a rather noticeable bias towards females in terms of population, so it is nice every now and again for us gents just to meet up to get away from them all.
He’s a nice old boy is Cranky, he’s several years my senior but had never married. Like something out of a story book, he’d met the love of his life many years ago at the Grand Galloping Gala. Sadly, the pair had lost touch soon afterwards, and Cranky had devoted his time to searching for her, becoming something of a nomad. He’d actually moved to Ponyville, having given up his search, seeking to live out his retirement in peace.
Pinkie Pie, of course, was having none of that. By a pure stroke of luck, Matilda, the pretty young jenny he’d been searching for all those years, had also settled in Ponyville. With the crazy party pony’s help, the two had found each other and instantly reconnected.
I had known Cranky for a couple months. As I said, the two of us got on well, having similar interests, and both being of an older generation. While I might not be as old as him, my hair is getting quite grey at this point, and starting to thin here and there. Having had such a long and stable marriage, Cranky often came to me for advice when it came to Matilda. Advice I was happy to give. Aside from Shining and Cadance, I don’t think I’ve ever seen two people more in love.
Much to everypony’s delight, last month, the pair officially announced their engagement, and the planning had began. The two donkeys are friends with pretty much everypony in Ponyville, so the guest list quickly swelled. This only increased when the many ponies Cranky had met in the course of his travels also got wind of what was happening. Even the princesses agreed to attend, since it was at Celestia’s gala that the two met.
The wedding was to take place just after lunch today. Derpy had delivered the invitations yesterday. Personally, given how much time had been invested in the whole enterprise, I thought it a bit soon. Plus, I figured it would be better to do things on a Saturday rather than a Friday. But hey, I haven’t planned a wedding in many years.
While I was getting my suit all sorted, I heard a commotion from outside our bedroom window. Looking out I saw this…thing. If I remember correctly, it was something called a bugbear. It looked like a panda that had been mixed up with a wasp. They can be nasty buggers and quite destructive. Still, by the looks of things, Twilight and the others were on top of it. At this point you just sort of get used to the occasional monster attack. As long as you stay out of its way, the girls tend to sort it out in about twenty minutes or so.
“Wow, looks like a bugbear’s wandered into town,” I called out to my wife, who was in the en suite.
“Well, as long as it isn’t another pack of timberwolves and it isn’t coming this way, I don’t mind,” she replied.
Twilight and the others did seem to be gaining the upper hoof; Twilight was blasting it with her magic, Rainbow was buzzing around at near supersonic speeds, Fluttershy was giving the beast her infamous stare, and Applejack was doing her best to hogtie the creature’s limbs.
Throwing on my jacket, I straightened my tie and checked myself in the mirror. I looked presentable, I decided. And it was nice to give Elusive’s suit a further workout.
Just then, I heard barking coming from downstairs, and paws skittering along the wood tile floor. The nearby bugbear was setting off the dog again.
Oh, yes, the dog. I haven’t said anything about that before, have I? About a fortnight or so ago, in order to counteract the absence of children, Margaret and I took in a dog. Well, ‘dog’ might be taking things a bit far. I mean, it looks like a dog, acts like a dog, barks like a dog, and it has about the same level of intelligence. But our pet, if you can call it that, is certainly not a dog. I’m not even sure if it counts as a mammal. Let me explain.
I was sitting on Day Court. A couple lower ranking guards had gotten into a fight in the barracks, and Celestia was promptly disciplining them. I was there to oversee the case and to ensure everything went according to procedure; military law, after all, is quite different to the civilian. Shining had already given them a severe dressing down himself, and Celestia was merely hammering the point home.
The large, snow white alicorn didn’t shout, in fact I think that was what made it worse. She merely told the two guards how ‘disappointed’ she was in them both and that there would be consequences for their actions. Strong Shield was standing with them; no doubt he too would be telling the pair exactly what he thought of them later on, only with much more shouting. In the end, after consulting with me, the princess agreed with Shining’s recommendation and busted the two corporals back down to privates, and assigned them garden duty, one of the dullest assignments in the whole of Canterlot Castle.
With the two guards dismissed and marched off. Buttercup opened up the large throne room doors and let the next petitioners in.
This time, it was a small family group from way out in Mexicolt, one of Equestria’s poorer provinces. The ponies out there though are very friendly in my experience; very hospitable and welcoming. There were five of them; a father, mother, two small kids, and a young stallion, presumably the older brother of the two foals. Strong Shield passed them all as he departed with the two disgraced guards. As he passed them though, something spooked him.
The usually calm guard stopped dead in his tracks. His ears perked up, his eyes went wide, his muscles tensed, and he briefly whinnied in surprise. A moment later though, he had a handle on his reactions again, with a friendly, relaxed smile appearing on his face. He turned to the passing family and greeted them. As a specially trained infiltrator, Strong Shield has quite the grasp of the many languages spoken in Equestria. He greeted the five ponies in turn.
“Hola, senor. Como estas?” he said to the father. The stallion smiled, returned his greeting, and shook his hoof. Strong Shield then moved on to the mother.
“Bienvenido a Canterlot, senora.” The mother also relaxed. He then leaned down a little to speak to the two foals, both of whom were quite calm; a moment earlier they had both hidden behind their mother’s legs when Strong Shield approached.
“¿Dónde has venido? San Maretonio?” The two small ponies nodded.
The whole family was now smiling, and seemed much more eager to go and speak with the princess. As Strong Shield walked over to the last of the five ponies, who was straying a little behind, he kept up his calm and friendly demeanour.
“Que dices si te rompo la cara?” he enquired.
Instantly, the smiles of the other ponies vanished. I’m not too well versed in the language, but I think he just threatened to punch the guy’s lights out. However, the pony in question continued to smile as if Strong Shield had greeted him as he had the other four. The guard chuckled to himself and, subtly, motioned for the other guards to come over. He then placed a hoof on the stallion’s shoulder.
“No hablas ni una palabra del Espanol, verdad, amigo?” he asked.
The stallion merely continued to smile as if he and Strong Shield were joking with each other. The captain turned to the other guards who had cautiously moved in to surround them both, whilst another group formed a ring around the princess and me. Celestia herself seemed unconcerned, though I was utterly confused.
“Ready?” he asked the other guards, switching back to Equestrian. They all nodded.
Suddenly, without warning, Strong Shield fired off a spell from his horn at point blank range. It hit the stallion clean in the chest and sent him flying across the room. The guards all reacted instantly, moving the family out of the way, surrounding the princess in a tight ring, and piling onto their foe, even as the green, fire like magic of the changelings washed over him, deactivating his disguise. The beast was soon restrained.
It was only the second time I’d seen one at such close quarters, the last time being when Strong Shield had been inadvertently unmasked. The creature was restrained by half a dozen guards, all holding it down with their combined body weight. The creature hissed irritably and writhed in an attempt to get free, but it was no good. It was quickly locked in irons, with an inhibitor placed on its horn to block off its magic, and hauled back on its hooves.
“How the hay did this thing get in?” one of the guards demanded. “Arrest those ponies!” The four ponies that had come with the changeling backed away nervously. Luckily for them, Strong Shield intervened.
“You’ll do no such thing!” he shouted back. He then turned to the family in question and shouted something at them in their own tongue and they quickly bolted. The throne room doors were locked behind them, whilst the changeling itself was brought before Celestia and me.
“Changeling, identify yourself,” I ordered sternly. I could see the nearby guards growing concerned. What if this was another infiltrator, or worse, an assassin? Strong Shield however, seemed far less concerned. The changeling didn’t answer my question, and simply continued to hiss and spit like an angry cat.
“You aren’t going to get much of an answer from it I’m afraid, sir,” Strong Shield offered. All ponies, and myself, stopped to look at him.
“Why do you say that, captain?” Celestia enquired. She had been the only one who seemed unruffled by events thus far. But then again, Celestia has developed her self-control into an art form. The reason Strong Shield would know was obvious. He was a changeling himself, except only Celestia and I knew that. The other guards, aside from Shining, had no idea of his true nature.
“I believe that this is a drone, your highness,” Strong Shield replied. The captain had, anonymously, helped understand and classify the various types of changelings that we had encountered, allowing us to understand them better. “They’re the most common type of changeling, but they aren’t particularly intelligent. They lack the capacity for speech.”
From what Twilight had told me, and from what I had read, there were a total of four types of changeling. Firstly, the queen, Chrysalis; the queen led the hive and acted as the controlling force, with intelligence on par with an above average pony. Then there was the ‘under queens’ as they were called. We hadn’t seen any of these in Equestria, aside from the one that was allowed to be in Canterlot. These were smaller than a true queen, but assisted her with ruling the hive, looking after and raising new changelings.
Then, there were soldiers; which was what Strong Shield was. These were about the same size as the drones, but with dark blue chitin like armour on their backs, thicker than normal. These were also intelligent and were used to fight, as well as infiltrate potential feeding grounds.
Finally, there was the drone, or worker. This was the most common type of changeling, the one many ponies still have bad dreams about. They are the size of the average pony, but they are nowhere near as intelligent. At best, they could understand a simple series of instructions and directives. As seen in Canterlot, they were not that smart, but had strength in numbers. They could not speak outside of hissing noises and body language.
Having accepted Strong Shield's suggestion that the changeling was, as a solitary drone, quite harmless, Celestia called off the guards, ordering everypony bar Strong Shield and myself to leave the throne room at once. Naturally, the guards weren’t entirely comfortable with that.
“Your highness, we can’t just leave you alone with that…thing!” one of them exclaimed. Celestia raised an eyebrow at him; a warning signal that he’d said the wrong thing.
“Private Steel Pike, you are a unicorn, correct?” she asked calmly.
“Er, yes, your highness,” the grey and silver guard replied.
“And you believe that you can restrain this changeling for me?” The guard nodded. Her eyes narrowed. “So, if you have no difficulty with it, why should I have any trouble, as an alicorn? If I wished I could fling this changeling back to the Badlands it came from.” For effect, she opened her wings and briefly let her horn glow. Steel Pike quickly withdrew his concern and departed with the others.
With just the three of us remaining with the small changeling, Celestia turned to Strong Shield.
“Captain, if it knows who you are, will it obey you?” she asked. Strong Shield looked a little surprised. I suppose he expected to throw it in the dungeons.
“Erm, it’s possible, your highness,” he replied. “Drones were always taught to obey soldiers.”
“Good, then you may drop your disguise a moment and let it see you.”
Still quite confused, Strong Shield deactivated his disguise spell. Green flame like magic washed over him, burning away his grey coat, his armour, everything but the eyepatch he wore. The changeling’s reaction was instantaneous. As soon as it saw him, it looked up excitedly and did its best to walk over to him. It then sat down on its rear and, I think, smiled at him, its empty blue eyes looking quite pleased.
“Do you know who I am?” Strong Shield asked it, his voice now with a more buzzing cadence to it. The drone nodded. Strong Shield continued.
“Have you been sent here by our queen?” The changeling shook its head, looking a little sad.
“So you aren’t here to spy or steal love form the ponies?” Again, the small creature shook its head. Strong Shield tried a different tack.
“Are you hungry?” This time, the changeling nodded excitedly and began looking at Celestia and I. Strong Shield turned to the two of us atop the dais.
“Well, I guess this is just one that has gotten lost somehow. Maybe it didn’t meet up with the others when Princess Cadance’s love shield went up. In any case, it doesn’t seem to be dangerous. It’s just looking for some food for itself.”
All of a sudden, the changeling began to hobble its way over towards us. Still clapped in irons, it couldn’t move around too easily, but it could walk in a peculiar fashion. As before, it didn’t act in a malicious way; in fact it seemed more curious than anything. It walked up the steps to the throne and stopped in front of me, looking at me with those big blue eyes. It then began to sniff at me.
“Er, Strong Shield?” I called. “What’s it doing?” The sudden invasive investigation was just a little uncomfortable.
“Don’t worry,” the larger changeling replied. “My guess is it’s just picked up the scent of your love. I know this may sound odd, but if you let it have a little, it’ll be more inclined to trust us all.” I wasn’t particularly on board with that idea. Queen Chrysalis had fed on Shining Armor and left him severely weakened.
“Isn’t that dangerous? I read about what their queen did to Shining.” Strong Shield shook his head.
“No, a single drone won’t need that much. At worst you’ll feel dizzy for a minute. Chrysalis stuffed herself; she nearly drained Shining dry. That was why it affected him so badly.”
“Do not worry, my advisor,” Celestia chipped in. “If this changeling does attempt to harm you, both Strong Shield and I will step in. You will not come to any harm in any way.” Reassured by that statement, I lowered my guard and allowed the drone to step closer.
What happened next was quite odd; I did indeed feel light headed for a moment. The drone seemed to draw out a green coloured vapour from me, which it inhaled through its mouth. The process only lasted for a moment or two though, and the small creature was soon satisfied. I walked down to Strong Shield and was about to ask him what to do next, when I realised the small drone had followed me down the steps.
“Huh, I think it likes you,” he commented.
“Doesn’t it just see me as a food source though?” Changelings are predatory creatures, referred to as ‘emotivores’, it seemed unlikely that one would take to its own prey.
“Well, this one hasn’t been near a queen for some time. It could be that it’s willing to follow anypony.”
“Why wouldn’t it follow you though?” Celestia asked. “Surely it would show preference towards its own kind. You said yourself that drones look to soldiers for leadership.”
“True, but I can’t feed it,” Strong Shield replied. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but this drone seems to have decided to become symbiont with you, Mr. Owen.” Celestia’s eyes widened. Symbiosis was the goal she hoped to one day achieve with changelings. They needed food as much as any creature. The only reason they were enemies of Equestria was that they sought to take it by force.
We took a few minutes to test Strong Shield’s theory. The changeling followed me around the throne room and, for the most part, did what I asked it to do; it acted kind of like a dog really. That was when it hit me.
“Princess,” I said. “It seems clear that this changeling is no threat to anypony. But we can’t just let it roam free.” Celestia was way ahead of me.
“You want to care for it, I assume?” she answered, wearing a knowing smile. I nodded.
“And I think I have a way for it to stay incognito. It couldn’t do what Strong Shield has done, but maybe…” I turned to the changeling. “Can you turn into a dog?” The changeling thought for a moment. Then, green fire washed over its form. When it receded, there stood before me not a changeling, but a large dog; a mix of Alsatian and Collie.
I was surprised at just how believable it was. Changelings are masters of disguise, but there are usually chinks in their armour. Usually, their personalities don’t match with the real thing, and they eventually come unstuck if somepony looks carefully. That and they can’t alter the signature green colour of their magic. Still, the canine that stood before me seemed real enough. It barked, followed commands, wagged its tail, lolled out its tongue and scratched at itself. Strong Shield said that, as long as I kept it well fed, it would stick with me.
So, at the end of the day, I took it back on the train and introduced Charlie (named for one Charlie Barkin) to she who must be obeyed.
That was an interesting conversation.
Anyway, back to the present. I was just about ready to head off down to town hall with my wife and see old Cranky finally tie the knot with Matilda. All of a sudden though, there was a knock at the door.
“I’ll get it!” I called out. With my tie still hanging loosely around my neck, I headed out of the bedroom and went downstairs into the hall.
Charlie was already standing at the front door, presumably looking for that bugbear. I hoped that the girls would have that all wrapped up before the ceremony started. Still, as long as an army of changelings didn’t try to disrupt this one, we would probably be fine. If they can fight them, they can certainly deal with that bugbear. Opening the front door, I found the venerable Time Turner; Ponyville’s clockmaker and resident scientist. And resident Timelord I might add, but we keep quiet about that.
“Hello, Time Turner,” I greeted. “What brings you down this way?” The stallion, who is on a par with Celestia and Luna in terms of his age, looked quite agitated. Across his back and draping down his sides was a suit, held in a dry cleaning bag.
“Roger, glad I caught you here,” Time Turner hurriedly replied. Like Twilight, Time Turner is prone to fits of sudden excitement and anxiety. He held up the suit with a hoof. “I was wondering if you could help me out with this.” I was a little confused.
“And I can help you how?” I prodded. Time Turner’s brow furrowed and he gestured to the suit.
“This is my old suit from when I was humanoid. It won’t fit this new body. I was wondering if you could perhaps put me in touch with that tailor of yours? Do you think he could lend me something?” I shook my head.
“No, even if you could get up to Canterlot, you’d never get back in time for the wedding.” Internally, I was slightly criticising the old clockmaker for not checking his suit beforehand. “Well, why not try Rarity? I know she’s more of a dressmaker, but she might be able to jury-rig a temporary fix.” In response, the chestnut stallion pointed out the window. Rarity was currently lashing out at the bugbear with her magic, doing her best to help Applejack tie it up.
“Oh, right,” I said, feeling a little silly at forgetting the small skirmish going on outside my house. “Well, try a few other stallions in town. Big Mac won’t have anything, but Caramel might, or maybe Thunderlane.” Thanking me for at least trying to help, Time Turner set out again to continue his quest.
As he left, I could hear him chattering away to himself. He was saying something about flameless fireworks or something like that. The stallion really treads that fine line between being brilliant and being mad as a bloody march hare.
Closing the door, I headed back upstairs, sending Charlie back into the kitchen. He would be coming with us to the wedding as well. We were planning to introduce him to everypony. As a dog, mind you; we were only going to tell ponies we could trust not to blab or panic that he was actually a drone. He seemed quite happy with the new arrangement. In the fortnight he’s lived with us, he’s settled in quite well. It’s hard to believe that these creatures are also one of Equestria’s most feared enemies.
Heading upstairs again, I found that my wife was now ready to head out. She’d gone for a semi-formal outfit for the wedding; the sort of thing she used to wear to church. This would actually be the first civil ceremony we had attended, since Equestria doesn’t have organised religion as we know it.
“Ready to go?” I asked as I grabbed the house keys from the dresser. Our plan was to leave a little earlier than needed so we didn’t end up rushing there if we got delayed. Experience had shown me just how easy it was for such a thing to happen, particularly when you have kids.
“Yes, yes, I’m ready,” my wife replied, throwing a cardigan on. “Come on, let’s get a move on!” After returning once to pick up her handbag, we headed downstairs and out the front door and set off for town hall. Naturally, I had to carry the wedding present.
Ponyville was already quite busy as it was; bugbear attack or not. Everypony in town seemed to be pitching in to help out with Cranky and Matilda’s wedding. Looking skyward, I saw that even the weather was being taken care of.
High above, a lone dark blue pegasus, with a long brown mane, was busily busting up a few clouds. That’s apparently how they get rid of them when they’re not needed; they literally kick them out of existence. She seemed to be making steady progress and enjoying herself too.
That was my youngest daughter; Lizzie. Originally, it had only been Bones that had been transformed into a pony, and a unicorn at that. When we first arrived in Ponyville, Fluttershy, one of Twilight’s friends, had offered to take care of her, as there wasn’t enough space at the library.
The pair quickly became friends and, with little else to do while we were waiting to see Celestia, Lizzie began to help Fluttershy look after the many animals that she cares for; the mare is like some sort of equine version of James Heriot. However, at times, her lack of wings restricted her from helping Fluttershy as much as she wanted.
At some point in late March, Discord had dropped by to see Fluttershy. He’d already become friends with me, and found great delight in annoying my son (something we have in common), and so quickly introduced himself to Lizzie. She happened to comment, according to Discord, that she felt bad about not being able to fly. Since the next day was April Fools’ Day, Discord decided to pull one of his infamous pranks. In addition to temporarily turning my son into an alicorn, much to his annoyance, he also turned her into the pegasus she is today. Originally, the spell was meant to wear off after seven days, but after spending a week as a flying pony, my daughter decided that she liked the unexpected change. Discord then extended the spell making it permanent.
With wings and a cutie mark to her name, Lizzie continued to live with Fluttershy, helping her when she could. But, insisting that she pay her way, she took Rainbow Dash up on the offer of full time employment with the Weather Patrol (the pegasus had helped teach her basic flight skills when she first changed and found that she had an aptitude for weather work).
And so, today, she has a full time paying job with the Weather Patrol. She even helped out with last year’s big tornado. I waved up to her as we passed by.
“Hey there, Lizzie!” I called up. She quickly broke off from her weather duties and floated down towards us.
“Hi Dad. Hi Mom,” she replied, hovering a few feet off the ground. “You two heading off to the wedding?”
“Yeah, we thought we’d get an early start in case of that bugbear thing,” Margaret replied. “What about you, keeping the sky clear for the big day?” Lizzie nodded.
“It was supposed to be a few of us. But Dash is helping Twilight and the others, Cloud Kicker’s kid is sick, and Thunderlane…actually I think he’s just hung over.” She chuckled at that last part. “Don’t worry though. I’ll manage. I’ll see you and your pet idiot at the wedding though, right?”
“Don’t call your brother that, sweetie,” I implored. With that, she took off back into the sky.
Heading along the path to town hall, we passed an unusual looking building. It was as if two houses had been melded into one. The left hand side was not too far from the ordinary, a conservative brick design, with a few musical notes adorning the front of the house. The other side was a completely different story, with wild, bright colours and maddening designs all over the walls.
This was the home of two of Ponyville’s more famous residents, Octavia Melody and Vinyl Scratch, also known as DJ Pon-3. The two lived together as roommates, splitting the large house between them when they pooled their resources to purchase it.
Neither pony was from Ponyville originally. Octavia, as I have said before, hails from the picturesque town of Trottingham, a little way to the north. Vinyl meanwhile…well, actually I’m not entirely certain. Though I do know she spends a fair amount of her time away, either in Canterlot, or Manehatten, or Baltimare, or Fillydelphia; really anywhere that there’s a club venue for her to play at.
I’ve attended some of Octavia’s performances, either with my wife, or with Celestia and a few other ponies. Occasionally, she does solo concerts or as part of a string quartet, but most of her performances are as a part of the Royal Canterlot Symphony Orchestra. She is certainly very talented, just as much as she is talented in her other profession.
Vinyl’s style of music is…not exactly my cup of tea. Her style of music was coming to the fore when I was busy raising my son. While on the surface it appears to be quite crude; merely a series of loud electronic noises, I will admit that it does hold some merit. On occasion, I have heard her composing new pieces (she is sensible enough to keep with the noise ordinances and doesn’t keep half of Ponyville awake in the night) every now and again, and they did get me bobbing my head to the beat.
When you put the two ponies and their styles together though, you get something truly remarkable. For that reason, they had been asked to play at the reception. I had to admit, I was looking forward to that.
As we continued on, we entered the centre of Ponyville and town hall itself came into view. The wedding wasn’t for another half hour or so, so I figured that we could do our best to help out. Heading inside and telling Charlie to find somewhere to sit, the two of us began to help out putting up the decorations inside.
Most of the work was already done, but there were a few odds and ends to finish up. As we were working though, I picked up on a conversation between Lyra and Bon Bon, the former of which was something of an institution in Ponyville, her interest in humanity being virtually unrivalled. The two seemed to be in a bit of a heated argument, and I couldn’t help but listen in.
Luna had told me she had an agent here in Ponyville, but of all the possible choices, I had never expected it to be Bon Bon. She explained to Lyra that she had been on the trail of the bugbear currently attacking the town for some time, and that her real name was indeed Sweetie Drops. The bugbear was in town looking for her after all this time. Both Lyra and I were taken aback, even more so when Bon Bon abseiled out the window to go and fight it.
Half an hour later, everything was almost ready to go. We were only minus the music and a few guests; quite a few had arrived with Octavia and her DJ friend when they came crashing through on their sound system. Celestia and Luna had arrived about ten minutes ago. In an unusual turn of events, I got to see a side to the two princesses I had never seen before. It seemed that the pair had forgotten to bring along their wedding present; Celestia had left it on the counter. The two of them descended into arguing like the sisters they are. Luna insisted that it was Celestia’s turn, since she got the present for Cadence and Shining, whilst Celestia was fretting over looking foolish, having turned up with no gift.
Heading to sit down with my wife, I came across Shining and Cadence. The usually stern captain of the Royal Guard was currently bawling his eyes out. Cadence looked a little haggard as we walked up.
“Sorry, Shining always cries at weddings,” she explained as the stallion continued to weep like a filly.
“Why couldn’t my wedding be like this!” the Prince of the Crystal Empire lamented. Ah, yes, that would explain it.
Time Turner then arrived, sitting down a few rows ahead of us. Evidently, he hadn’t been able to get a suit, since he was currently wearing a very long and familiar looking scarf. He was still fretting about his flameless fireworks he’d set up, still having no idea how to ignite them.
Time Turner, along with a few other ponies, quite a lot in fact, had all arrived with Vinyl and Octavia. The pair had arrived on Vinyl’s large DJ system, which had somehow ended up hurling along the road towards town when the two mares realised they were running late. The contraption had blasted through into town hall with half the townsfolk on board, including the lovely couple themselves. What with all the craziness that had happened today, at this point I was happy to just let it slide and get on with the wedding.
Our two children came to sit with us as well. It was odd to see the pair together, but since both Fluttershy and Applejack were still busy with the bugbear, they had decided to sit with us. My daughter joined us without incident. But as my son walked up, he stopped dead in his tracks and stared and the seat behind me, where I had left Charlie.
“What the sam hell is that thing doing here?!” he exclaimed. “Can’t you varmints let one wedding go through without messin’ things up?” Turning around to look at Charlie, I quickly saw the problem.
He was no longer disguised.
The changeling was sitting there in full view, though as yet unnoticed, happily sucking up love from all around. A few feet away from him, the foals that had previously been making a fuss of him, were now trying to sit as far away as possible.
“No, Charlie! Back as a dog! Back as a dog!” I exclaimed, waving at him wildly. Luckily, the little tyke seemed to catch on and quickly returned to his previous form. I had planned to tell both my kids about him, but now I was forced to hurriedly explain why I had a changeling pretending to be my pet dog. Like me though, I think both my kids were too worn out from everything to really give a monkey’s.
With that, the ceremony began.
It’s been a long time since I went to a wedding. Since both the wife and I were the youngest in our family, these days the only time we meet up with more distant family was when yet another relative passes. I remember, not too long before we ended up in Equestria, my wife pointed out that there were only five people on our wedding photo who were still alive.
So, it was nice to go to this one, even if it was a little unusual for us. My son may be a rampant Dawkins level atheist, but our family as a whole is CoE Protestant. Equestrians though, don’t really have that much in the way of a religion; let’s face it, much of the mysticism here can be explained by magical science; ponies move the very sun and moon every day for goodness sake. So, it was more along the lines of a civil ceremony, with Mayor Mare presiding over things.
Still, it was a lovely ceremony. Mayor Mare gave a lovely, heart-warming speech about how we had all come together for this happy occasion. In this one room, there were princes and princesses, Royal Guard officers, government advisors, famous musicians, a secret agent, an anthropologist, weather ponies, farmers and cowponies, a changeling, teachers, scientists, mailponies, shop owners, vets, doctors and nurses, and two very happy donkeys.
As the mayor declared the two officially jack and jenny, Time Turner’s fireworks suddenly burst into life. It turned out, according to both the good doctor himself and Princess Cadance, that the trigger was love. The flameless rockets shot up into the air, exploding merrily amongst the rafters.
That was pretty damn close to your normal day in Ponyville. And I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Two weeks after the wedding, it was a case of all hands, or hooves, on deck. The long awaited Royal Summit was upon us.
Equestria’s political system is remarkably similar to that of Britain, albeit with a monarch who actually has the ability to exercise political power. It’s a strange mix of a federal and unitary system. Each region has its own governing body which handles domestic day to day matters. Each year, all of these different ponies come together to discuss matters at a national level. In a way, it’s a bit like Parliament. Each city or region sends a delegation to represent their interests at the summit.
The point of the summit is to address major issues affecting one or more region and to provide solutions, encouraging cooperation. Everything is covered in the summit, from education, to common defence, to financial matters, and of course, matters of the law. Celestia, Luna, and their respective advisors, myself included, would oversee the various meetings. Delegates would also vote on proposed changes to national policy, subject to royal endorsement, and take part in the usual fact finding and strengthening relations exercises.
The upshot of all this, was that soon Canterlot Castle would be flooded with ponies from all over Equestria, as well as representatives from its protectorates, such as the Crystal Empire. The big finish would be the unveiling of a statue built by the crystal ponies as a gift to Equestria as a whole.
As you might have guessed, there was quite a lot of preparation to do beforehand. I myself would be meeting with quite a few legal bigwigs including the Captain of the Royal Guard, Shining Armor, the Chief of the Manehatten Police, and the CO of the Appleloosa Rangers, as well as quite a few judges and prosecutors, including my old friend Wrought Steel, who was representing the Canterlot CPS. All my plans had to be presented to both Celestia and Twilight, who was organising the summit this year, and loving it.
Heading along the corridor to the throne room, I became aware of raised voices coming from within. The great doors were too thick to make anything out, a security measure on the part of Celestia, but I could definitely hear an argument. I approached the guarded double doors.
“What’s going on in there, chaps?” I asked the two guards on duty. “Sounds like a real shouting match.” One of the guards prepared to open the door for me.
“The princess granted Discord an audience, sir,” he replied, a little wearily. Yeah, that’d do it. Discord can be like an eight year old at times. When he wants something, he demands it, and when he doesn’t get it, he can throw a right tantrum. Perhaps I could help.
Heading inside, I was barely fazed by the scene before me. Celestia was out of her throne, standing on the dais, glaring angrily at Discord, her eyes narrowed in annoyance and her swan like wings open. Discord meanwhile, was surrounded by a pack of guards and was shouting angrily.
“Attica! Attica! Attica!” he shouted, stamping his foot indignantly, and pointing an accusing claw at the guards, several of whom were unicorns with their magic ready.
This was a new one.
Walking in, Celestia spotted me quickly enough, relief becoming evident on her features. Aside from Fluttershy, I’m one of the few people the draconequus will listen to. Remember what I said about our friendship being like that of House and Wilson? I guess that makes Celestia Cuddy. Standing behind the still angry draconequus, I cleared my throat. This got his attention and he turned around to face me.
“Erm…Attica?” he offered. I pinched the bridge of my nose in an effort to quell the impending headache.
“Alright, Discord. What’s going on here?” I asked. Discord quickly leapt at the opening.
“Ah, brilliant!” he declared. “Roger, will you tell sun butt over here that she can’t ban me from the summit.” Celestia was coming close to losing her temper; Discord is the only being I’ve come across that can really get under her skin. I could see where the argument had come from.
“Discord, why do you even want to go?” I asked, tiredly. “The whole thing is just a couple of days of lots of boring bureaucrats meeting up to swap notes. What possible reason could you have for wanting to go?”
“Why the chaos, my friend!” he replied. Leaning down, he wrapped his form around my shoulders. “A whole day of ponies arguing, complaining, debating, and throwing petty insults at each other. I need to be there!” He did have a point; Manehatten was sending a delegation after all. And at times, Celestia had told me, things could get quite heated.
Having heard Discord’s side of the story, I turned to the princess.
“And, respectfully, your highness, why can’t Discord attend?” Celestia seemed to have gotten a handle on her temper now, and was sitting down in her throne again. Her expression was back to its calm default setting.
“My advisor, you of all ponies should know just how…disruptive Discord can be. This is one of the most important, and trying, political events of the year, without his presence. I have no desire to see further disharmony amongst my little ponies.” I turned back to Discord.
“She does have a point, old man,” I said. “Your brand of fun isn’t exactly suited to something like this. We need ponies to work together, not start fighting with each other. Nor do we need any of your unique form of comedy.” Discord wilted, literally. I tried to find some way to compromise.
“Look, Discord,” I said, rubbing the back of my head. “Why don’t you help me out with my part of the summit? Leave the political side of things to the princess.” I knew I was sort of enabling him, but if I didn’t do something, he’d probably start some sort of guerrilla campaign or Occupy Canterlot movement. Still, it seemed to satisfy him. He quickly perked up again.
“That does sound like fun!” he declared. “After all, at my age, I am just as well versed in the law as you are.” He snapped his talons, prompting a judge’s wig and gowns to appear on him, along with a pair of spectacles. I addressed Celestia again.
“Is that acceptable to you, your highness?” I asked. Celestia was halfway between frowning and smiling at the situation. On the one hand, I was encouraging Discord to compromise, maintain his friendships, and cooperate with me. On the other though, I was effectively rewarding his juvenile behaviour. Still, it’s not like I can take away his chaos powers, so we’re kind of stuck.
“Very well,” she replied eventually, still not sounding entirely confident. “Discord may join you during your meetings. But I ask that he not disrupt proceedings, and that he not use his chaos magic too frequently.” Discord pouted. A pleading look from me got him on side though.
“Agreed, Celestia. I shall not use my chaos magic to disrupt the summit.”
I’ll be honest; that really worried me. But he had given his word, and since the incident with Tirek, Discord has been quite good at keeping his promises. With that, the two of us left the throne room.
Discord followed me back to my office, sticking to my side like glue all the way. Having him around would certainly make things more tolerable. As much as he can be a pain at times, he is also serves as a great counter to boredom. And, in my case, he is quite fun to be around, though I’m sure many ponies who aren’t such close friends with him would disagree with me on that one.
In any case, there was plenty he could do to help out. As long as he was occupied doing something he viewed as fun, Discord was quite manageable. Plus, who better to co-chair discussions on Equestrian law than the being who knows every possible way of breaking them.
Heading into my office, I explained my plan of action to Discord.
“Right, old man,” I began. “The two of us are going to be looking after the legal delegations during the summit. There’ll be a couple of meetings on general law and order and crime levels, one discussion on proposed changes to Equestrian law due to new case law, and one on rehabilitation. Those are the big ones I’ll need to oversee anyway.”
"Sounds interesting enough,” Discord replied, having peeled off to examine the trinkets and nick-knacks scattered about my office, as well as the small library of legal texts.
“And here was me thinking you’d be bored out of your skull,” I answered, smiling. It should have occurred to me the moment he agreed to help that he was up to something. “Still, nice to have you on board to help.” Discord turned around to face me, smiling like a cat with the cream.
“Well, I thought it a fair exchange, my friend,” he said, forming his paw and talon together into a steeple.
“Exchange?” I parroted. This only made him smile more as he walked over to me.
“Yes, a little exchange. I agree to take a walk in your shoes, and you get to walk in mine.” I was now completely befuddled.
“Discord, what on earth are you…” I didn’t get to finish my question, as Discord snapped his talons.
I felt the familiar sensation of magic hit me, though it was stronger than anything I’d felt before; even stronger than a teleport. My feet suddenly gave way beneath me, and I only just managed to grab the nearby desk to steady myself. A few moments later, things returned to normal; my balance was regained, my vision stopped swimming and the odd tingling sensation under my skin faded.
“Argh,” I exclaimed, putting a hand to my forehead. “What was that for? You know I don’t react well to your chaos magic. You can’t just go snapping your talons will-nilly.” For effect, I snapped my own fingers.
It was at that moment, I saw a bright flash off to one side. That was Discord’s magic signature. Whereas unicorns and alicorns used spells that gave off a particular coloured aura, Discord’s magic manifested in a white flash. Turning to see what it was, I found that the potted plant on my desk was now alarmingly sentient, and snapping irritably at me like a rabid dog. I turned back to Discord.
“And the point of that exercise was?” I asked. Discord, still smiling, held up his various appendages.
“Wasn’t me,” he replied. “I didn’t snap my talons for that. Interesting little beasty though.”
I sighed; of course it was him! He was the only being on this planet that could perform chaos magic. The only other person in the room was me, and I have no magic. Snapping my fingers would do absolutely jack.
Then, with an insufferable clang, the penny dropped. Discord had hit me with a spell. I had then jokingly snapped my fingers, mimicking him when he used his magic, then the plant had turned into a Triffid.
I turned back to the still snarling house plant.
Focusing for a moment on what I wanted, I snapped my fingers again.
Instantly, the plant was engulfed in a white flash of light, and when it receded, the plant was back to normal again.
I think ‘bugger’ is a suitable word for summing up this situation. I turned back to Discord.
“Discord,” I said, in a calm voice. “Tell me what you just did. Then undo it.” Discord rolled his eyes at my seriousness.
“Oh, don’t be such a drama queen,” he replied. “You’re perfectly safe. I just transferred a small amount of my magic to you, giving you some token chaos powers. I told you before; I’m going to walk a mile in your shoes, so you can take a walk in mine. It’s a bonding exercise.”
I was going to kill him. My mind had already thought up a dozen different ways to beat the living daylights out of him. Luckily, saner heads prevailed. I’m not even sure you can kill Discord.
My best bet was to see Celestia, or Twilight, or anypony who knew how to fix this. For goodness sake; the summit started in a few hours! I quickly made for the door.
“Going somewhere, dear boy?” Discord asked. “I thought we needed to plan out all those meetings.” You know what’s crazy; Discord wasn’t doing this out of spite. Either he thought he was genuinely helping me, or was trying to teach me a friendship lesson. Resisting the urge to crush the door knob, I turned back to him.
“I’m just going to see Celestia first, Discord. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” I then proceeded to open the door.
“Well, at least save your legs. You can teleport yourself now after all,” he offered. Hell no.
“You know what, Discord; I’m good.” With that, I headed out the door, and pretty much ran toward the throne room.
With the summit still a few hours away, Celestia was still in the throne room finishing off some paperwork of her own. Everything has to be signed and approved by either herself or Luna; so when she isn’t hearing petitioners, she’s signing documents. As I walked in through the double doors, she looked up from her work.
“Are you alright, my advisor?” she asked. I imagine the look on my face was something west of murder. Even the guards backed off a little as I walked up. Stopping before the dais, I took a breath and explained the situation.
“Princess, we have a serious problem,” I reported. The alicorn did her best to repress a sigh at the news and rolled her eyes. Sending the small mountain of paperwork elsewhere with her magic, she stepped off her throne and stood with me.
“What has he done now?” she asked, referring to Discord.
I then explained what the prat had done to me, and the fact that I now had innately unstable chaos magic coursing through my body. Celestia’s response was thus.
“Discord!” she bellowed, briefly dipping into her own version of Luna’s infamous ‘Royal Canterlot Voice’. The guards and I all grabbed our ears in an effort to preserve our eardrums.
A moment later, the insufferable twit I call my best friend materialised in the throne room. This time, he was wearing a light brown chauffeur's uniform, complete with hat.
“You rang, milady?” he asked in a poor imitation of a Trottingham accent. I sank my head into my hands. Why oh why did I let him watch Thunderbirds? Celestia promptly began questioning Discord.
“Is there any particular reason you needed to give one of my advisors access to your chaotic powers?” she asked. Holding up a paw, correcting her, Discord replied.
“Sporadically uncontrollable chaotic powers,” he added. Celestia’s eye twitched. He went on. “Hey, it’s not my fault, everypony new to magic gets surges, look at unicorn foals. I mean really what harm can he…” I cut him off.
“Hang on, Discord. What do you mean ‘sporadically uncontrollable’?” I asked worriedly. Celestia answered for him.
“When innate magic activates in a pony, it takes time for them to gain control of it. In unicorn foals, until they get to about one year old and their magic becomes dormant until early adolescence, it can manifest in uncontrolled and powerful surges.” That didn’t help alleviate my worry
“How serious are we talking?” I queried, looking at both of them. Celestia too, now looked decidedly concerned.
“Well, a unicorn foal can inadvertently perform spells that even Twilight might consider challenging. Their magic is unrestrained and undirected.”
“Exactly,” Discord broke in. “He’ll be fine; stop worrying.”
“Discord, if a unicorn’s magic can be that powerful, what kind of results do you think might arise from uncontrolled chaos magic?” she demanded.
I understood what she was getting at. This magic could fire off at any time. And given its greater scope, whatever I was thinking about at the time could happen. Literally anything. Well, I suppose there had to be a limit; Discord had said I only had some token powers. Still, I’ve seen the stuff he can do with just basic abilities.
“Oh, it’ll be fine, Celestia,” Discord replied. “He can’t affect gravitational fields or the planet. Worst case scenario he summons some terrifying demon from his subconscious.”
That, of course, was all it took. The passing thought, triggered a surge, which caused the magic to activate. A moment later, in the middle of the throne room, there was a terrifying gestalt demon roaring the place down.
“And with that,” Discord said, snapping his talons and producing a top hat. “I take my leave.” And the bastard vanished in a flash of light.
As terrifying as it was, the demon I had inadvertently created was no match for Celestia. Activating her own powerful magic, she hit the creature square in the chest, knocking it down. She then encircled the creature with thick iron chains before teleporting it away, presumably to the dungeons. Comically, she paused to blow a stray hair out of her eyes. She then turned to me.
“Right, we will deal with that later,” she said. “For the moment, I think it’s best if we ensure your safety, Roger.”
“I wholeheartedly agree with you, your highness,” I replied. “Is there anything you can do to reverse what Discord has done?” Unfortunately, Celestia shook her head.
“Alicorn magic cannot easily override chaos magic. It certainly can’t remove it from a being. And I doubt that any kind of magical restraint or deactivation spell would help either. The only thing that could undo such things would be the Elements of Harmony.” I pinched the bridge of my nose.
“So what do you suggest I do, Tia?” I asked. “I can’t cancel my portion of the summit. Everything’s already set up, and it’s too late to cancel anything now; the delegates will be here in,” I looked to my watch. “Four hours.” Celestia thought for a moment.
“That is true, my advisor. But in your current state, I do not think it would be wise to let you continue with your duties.” She placed a hoof to her chin. “I suppose I could ask Twilight to take on your meetings. She knows the material almost as well as you do.”
I quickly considered Celestia’s suggestion. It certainly sounded possible. Twilight had studied a fair bit of Equestrian law with me when I first started as Celestia’s advisor. A qualified solicitor I may be, but I was in need of a refresher course on the Equestrian legal system; there are more differences than you might think. In any case, she could probably manage it. If worse came to worse, she could come to me with any questions.
“That does sound like a good idea, your highness,” I replied. “Twilight knows her cookies, and she can come and find me if she gets stumped. What about me though?”
At that moment, we were interrupted by a flash of white light as Discord returned. This time, he was dressed in one of those CDC bio-hazard suits, complete with gas mask.
“Is it safe yet?” he asked, his voice slightly muffled through the mask and suit.
“If you mean, ‘has Celestia gotten rid of the terrifying demon you caused me to inadvertently create?’ then yes. Still, old man, if I were you, I’d take off running just to be safe.” Behind me, Celestia was already on her hooves, staring the mismatched draconequus down.
“Discord, undo your spell right now. You promised me that you wouldn’t disrupt the summit,” she said, pointing an accusing gilded hoof at him. At this, Discord snapped his talons, removing the suit and returning himself to normal.
“And I haven’t disrupted the summit in any way, princess. Why, it hasn’t even started yet,” Discord replied defensively.
“You have however, virtually incapacitated one of my advisors and the chair of several meetings. So if you want to keep that promise, you’ll undo your magic now!” Discord made a sucking sound through his teeth; the sort of sound a plumber makes before he tells you that the cost is going to be a bit more expensive than you thought.
“Well, I would,” he said, sounding almost apologetic. “But I may or may not have put a lockout on that spell. The only way to get rid of it is for it to wear off on its own. That should be in about a day.” He then changed his tack. “If you like, I could take him off your hooves for the day; somewhere nice, far away from Canterlot for example.”
Celestia undoubtedly saw where this was going. Discord was attempting to play her, appearing to be friendly and helpful. In reality, he was just being his usual self-interested self. Still, given the current situation, she was left with little in the way of options.
“Fine,” she said, through gritted teeth. Even though her anger was directed at Discord, and not me, I still felt pretty scared of the usually calm and maternal alicorn. “We’ll deal with this after the summit.” She then turned to me, softening noticeably.
“Roger, I’ll send a note to Spike to deliver to your wife, to let her know you won’t be back until tomorrow. I take full responsibility for this.” Snapping his talons again, Discord summoned both me and himself a couple of suitcases.
“Oh don’t worry, princess. He’ll be back before you know it. I’m sure you, Luna, Twilight, and that other pink airhead can manage.”
And with that, we left the throne room in a dazzling flash of light.
When my vision cleared, I found that I was no longer in the throne room. I was outside, that was for sure, for there was an early evening sky above me. So, either we’d travelled through time, or much more likely, we were a somewhere to the west of Canterlot. Looking around a moment, I found that Discord was standing beside me, with a big grin on his face too.
The pair of us were standing in some sort of alleyway between two large bricked buildings. It was about the width of a carriage. I also decided that we were probably in a major city, for all around, their seemed to be nothing but concrete, tar, and bricks. Listening, I picked up the slightly muffled sounds of a busy city. I could hear clattering carriage wheels, chattering ponies and dozens of other bells and whistles.
The last of those gave me a good clue as to where we were. I turned to Discord.
“So, let me get this straight,” I said, looking squarely at him. “You wanted to go on holiday with me. And rather than wait one or two days for the summit to finish, or for a regular holiday, you decided to give me potentially dangerous chaos powers, so Celestia would be forced to send me away. Are any of your plans not incredibly convoluted and sociopathic?” Discord put a talon to his chin in thought.
“Now that you mention it, no,” he replied, grinning. He saw my dour expression. “Oh cheer up, dear boy. You’ll have a great time here. What’s done is done; you might as well enjoy the turn of events. And don’t worry about your chaos powers; I undid that as soon as we left.” I looked around again.
“Where the hell are we anyway?” I asked. Discord gestured to the end of the alley, which led out into the street. The two of us starting walking, and within a minute, I knew precisely which city I was in.
Stepping out onto the thoroughfare, I was all but blinded by millions of flashing lights, and my ears assaulted by the endless cackling of thousands of bells, whistles, and other exciting sounds. Ponies cheered, groaned, shouted, and chattered to each other over the noise. The busy city, along with the dozens of signs left no doubt in my mind.
“Las Pegasus?” I exclaimed. “You brought me to Las Pegasus?” Discord nodded.
“Well, where else can two guys go for a fun night out?” he asked. “You’ll love it here. Oh, and while I’m thinking about it…” Discord snapped his talons and I suddenly found myself holding a large sack of bits. “That’s about five hundred, should be enough to get you started.”
“Started?” I parroted. Discord rolled his eyes.
“We are in Las Pegasus you know,” he replied, sarcastically. “C’mon, let’s hit the tables!”
I found myself being hauled along the street, through the bustling crowd until we reached the nearest place. I was still semi-blinded by all the lights and camera flashes, but I think the place was called ‘The Silver Cloud’. Luckily, it wasn’t Cosa Nostra owned.
Heading inside, Discord led me through the hotel lobby and out into the casino proper. I’ve been to the odd casino before, the last time though was in 1989 for a party, though I do like to gamble every now and then.
The interior of the Silver Cloud was what you might expect. The décor was fairly stylish, with plush carpet underfoot. Directly ahead of us, were rows upon rows of slot machines. Neither Discord nor I were much interested in those, so we headed on through to the tables. At a glance, I picked out roulette, blackjack, poker, craps, and a few others that I didn’t recognise right off the bat, as well as a sports book at the far end.
“So,” Discord said. “Where do you want to go first?” I thought for a moment, rubbing the bridge of my nose; the noise was giving me a splitting headache.
I wanted to argue with him. I wanted to tell him he was being a stupid twit and a jerk to Celestia. I wanted to be running my portion of the summit that I had spent over three months planning, not wasting my time in some bloody casino out in the desert.
Okay, maybe not that last one. If I’m honest, I was sort of glad to have dodged that particular bullet. But, I did feel guilty for effectively pawning my work off to Twilight; she had enough to do as it was. Discord was right though. In his own peculiar way, he was being nice and doing me a favour. There was little point pouting now. The only way back was through him, and he wasn’t budging.
Besides, Celestia would kill him when we got back. I might as well enjoy my day off. Sighing and throwing my hands up in the air, I pointed to the craps table and headed over there.
“You know how to play?” I asked as I walked up to the odd bathtub shaped table and, after checking the table, set fifty bits down and asked for change. Discord though, looked confused.
“Er…no?” he answered. I rolled my eyes.
“Seriously, you’re what, in four figures at this point, and you don’t know how to play craps?” Discord shrugged his shoulders.
“I’m more of a roulette person,” he replied. Since the dealers were still busy reorganising all the bets and sorting my own chips, I decided to give him a quick explanation.
“Okay, the shooter throws two dice so they bounce off the far end. You want to roll so they add up to seven or eleven, and not roll a two, three, or twelve. If you roll any other number, it becomes your point, and you need to roll it again before you roll a seven to win. If you do roll a seven before your point number, you lose and somepony else gets to roll the dice. Make sense?” Discord nodded.
At that moment, the dealer passed me my chips, which I quickly counted, and then picked up and set on the rail. Looking around, I spotted that a grey coated pegasus stallion down at the far end was the shooter at the moment, and judging by his mood, he was on a hot streak.
I was surprised to see pegasi and earth ponies playing. I’d figured that without hands, unicorns, with their magic, would be the only ponies able to throw the dice. But this pegasus was using his wings, remarkably like hands, to throw the dice. It was even weirder watching the earth pony dealers manipulate the layout with their hooves.
Lack of hands aside, the pegasus was still making passes. So, I stuck a five bit chip down on the pass line. Discord mimicked my action, though I explained that it was fine for him to watch if he wanted. Since he was insistent however, I briefly explained the basic bets.
The pegasus did well again, rolling himself a natural and bagging the two of us a few more bits. However, all good things must come to an end and a few minutes later, he started to lose. First he rolled boxcars, and then he seven’d out after a couple of goes at chasing a nine.
I took the dice for a while, since the sudden change of fortune had put more than a few gamblers off. As I waited for the dice to be passed back and for the dealers to redistribute the bets, I noticed a few things.
I think I’ve said before that ponies don’t have CCTV, but they obviously needed a way to watch for cheaters. The dealers even used the same exaggerated movements as their human counterparts at a table. Looking up, I clocked their own version. Instead of cameras, the roof of the casino was lined with catwalks, along which walked ponies with binoculars, looking down on the tables. Quite clever if I do say so myself. And you had the usual pitboss types roaming around looking for troublemakers. I wonder if ponies have a version of The Box?
Just as I rolled a six and stuck another five behind the line, some cocktail waitress turned up to offer us some free booze, which we readily accepted. Given that I was up twenty bits anyway, I tipped her and threw down another five bit free odds bet for the dealers.
I did well for a while, but eventually my luck turned. Still, I was up around fifty bits; not too shabby for an ultimately unwinnable game. I had the dealer colour me up, and Discord and I moved on to new games. From what I remember, I was drinking a bit more than I ought to have been by then, we played a bit of roulette, as well as some blackjack, and we might have ended up in some poker tournament.
After that, I think things started to get out of hand. I distinctly remember being comped for a few things to get us away from the tables. I blacked out at some point in a luxurious hotel room up around two hundred and fifty.
The next thing I knew, I was waking up, back home, sprawled out on my sofa. My head was pounding, I guess I did drink a bit too much; in fact, I don’t think I got that blasted since Bob Lawrence’s wedding party. On that occasion I’d downed half a dozen pints of Guinness, several fingers of whiskey, and an alarming amount of red wine. According to my wife, I’d left the party fairly coherent too. This time though, I was out for the count. It was painful to open my ears, never mind my eyes.
My groaning in agony attracted the attention of she who must be obeyed, who didn’t look best pleased. She came into the living room and sat down on the sofa next to me.
“Well, good morning,” she said. “Or should I say ‘good afternoon’. It’s gone one, you know.” I groaned in response. My mouth was too dry for much else.
“Celestia told me what Discord did. But I was hopeful that he’d at least drop you off when you were done.” I asked the obvious question.
“What…what happened last night?” I slurred. “And what day is it?” Margaret passed me a telegram, dated yesterday evening. It brought back a few hazy memories and explained why she was probably just a bit mad at me. It read as follows:
‘MARGARET STOP DISCORD KIDNAPPED ME STOP IN LAS PEGASUS STOP GOT IN FIGHT WITH PITBOSS STOP IN JAIL STOP NEED 500 BITS TO MAKE BAIL STOP - ROGER’
Hesitantly, I looked up from the message. However, my wife seemed to be a little less angry now. I ventured a response.
“Oh good God!” I exclaimed as I read the message again. My wife laughed a little, bringing back my headache.
“Don’t worry, it’s all settled up and Celestia said that the casino won’t press charges.” At this point her tone became serious. “But they took your winnings, you also aren’t welcome in Las Pegasus anymore.”
“What about Discord?” I asked, my desire to murder him, bury him in a shallow grave, dig him up and kill him again becoming stronger by the minute.
“I’m fairly certain Celestia’s still yelling at him,” Margaret said. “Although speaking of your best friend, you should look at what else you did last night.” She pointed to my hand.
Looking on my ring finger, I realised, to my horror, there was a new ring there. As my eyes presumably went wide, and my pupils shrunk to pinpricks, my wife began to giggle.
“Who did I marry?” I asked hesitantly. That got my wife to just burst out laughing.
“Discord!” she exclaimed between laughing fits. I expect I went white at that point. Luckily, after she calmed down, Margaret reassured me. “Don’t worry, it’s already been annulled. It’s invalid anyway. Nice band though.”
I got a further brief telling off from the wife for my escapades. But she did agree that I needed a break, though she wished she could have come along. In any case, I managed to get away with a stern warning, both from she who must be obeyed and the city of Las Pegasus.
My thoughts then turned to the Royal Summit. It turned out, when we received another message from Celestia via Spike, that I had definitely dodged a bullet in regards to the summit. Everything had turned out alright in the end, but things had almost come crashing down when Spike, acting on his own to avoid having to bother a sleeping Twilight, caused a few serious incidents in Canterlot. The issues included a busted water main and the crystal statue had been all but destroyed. Luckily, that was the catalyst for bringing all the arguing delegates back together; Twilight got them all into a team building exercise to put it back together.
It certainly sounded like I had skipped over one hell of a party. I wrote the princess back, assuring her that I would be back in Canterlot as soon as possible. It was nice to have a brief holiday, but it was time I got back to work. Before long, much more serious matters would put me in the firing line.
The fallout from the Royal Summit luckily wasn’t too serious. Discord did indeed get a colossal telling off from Celestia, though I doubt he listened to half of it. He was more concerned with his busted lion’s paw; a consequence of trying to cheat at roulette. Still, given that the world had not ended, and that there were other matters to attend to, the princess let the matter drop, leaving Discord with a stern warning.
A mere few days after the end of the Royal Summit, we received word from Princess Cadance up in the Crystal Empire. For the past few months, she had been engaged in initial talks with representatives from the isolationist state of Yakyakistan. This small, secretive nation, further north than even the Crystal Empire, had recently reached out with an olive branch toward Equestria. With a strong military force, Celestia saw them as excellent allies, along with the Griffons.
However, Yaks, as a people, are remarkably fickle beings. They remind me of Tellarites; they’re deeply argumentative and quick to anger. As such, any false move in the negotiations could lead to dire consequences. For safety then, it had been decided that initial negotiations for the opening of diplomatic relations would take place in the Crystal Empire, which despite it being a protectorate of Equestria, the Yaks recognised as a neutral party.
These initial talks had now begun to bear fruit it seemed. Cadence reported that the Yaks were now willing to send a delegation to Equestria proper to discuss the possibility of opening trade routes with Equestria. However, they wouldn’t be coming to Canterlot; they insisted on conducting all business in Ponyville with Twilight, given that she was a relative of Cadence. Family it seems, as well as honour, plays a big role in what little we know of Yak culture.
Now, I personally wouldn’t have much to do with this. If all went well, then I might soon be meeting up with my counterpart in the Yak government, but for now, I was just a bystander. Still, everypony in the castle was quite tense at the news.
From what we understand, the Yaks have two outlooks on other civilisations; friend or foe. If they are offended in any way, they can go off at the drop of a hat, and their army was believed to be quite formidable, certainly more than a match for the Royal Guard. So if things did go wrong, it would be extremely serious.
Still, there was little I could do about it at that moment. Like most other ponies, Celestia included, all I could do was simply wait and watch, and hope that things went smoothly for Twilight back home.
Unfortunately for Celestia, the ongoing talks were not the only issue on her plate that day. Day Court still had to go on. She was still having to deal with the backlog caused by not holding court during the summit. As always, every type of pony from many walks of life was descending on the throne room for an audience. It was about half- eleven, not long before the usual recess, when I was summoned to the throne room.
“Hey, Buttercup,” I said as the guard walked into my office. “I take it the princess has need of me?” Buttercup nodded.
“Very much so, sir,” Buttercup replied, passing me a file containing the details. It wasn’t a trial or anything, I was just needed to advise on the finer points of the law. I let out a low whistle as I read.
“This looks to be a tough one,” I commented. “Still, fun times.” Throwing on my suit jacket and straightening my tie, I headed out the door with Buttercup following me. As we walked, I skimmed over the case.
The petitioner was a cherry farmer from out in the desert; from a larger settlement called Dodge Junction. It’s a railroad town, hence its name, that provides access to all the smaller settlements in the region. All the produce from the south goes through that way to reach cities like Las Pegasus, Applewood, and other major cities along the west coast.
The issue at hand, or hoof if you prefer, was the local buffalo tribe. Unlike their human counterparts, the ponies and the buffalo have done quite well to co-exist. The buffalo retain their land in its entirety, and aside from one minor spat a few years ago, there has been no real conflict. There’s still plenty of space for pony settlements to expand without trespassing too.
However, that now seemed to be causing an issue. As I said, the pony settlements, including their farms are slowly expanding. One of them, a cherry farm, wanted to plant a new orchard on nearby fertile ground. Fertile ground that was over the line on buffalo territory. Looking at the map, the orchard already went up to the border, which was a sort of bulwark. Buffalo territory pushed about one mile deep, and two across, interrupting the otherwise straight rows of cherry trees. When the buffalo got wind of what was happening, they stormed on down there, and a standoff had ensued between them and the farmers.
The owner of the orchards was now standing before Celestia, along with representatives from the buffalo tribal council, asking her to provide a ruling on the matter. As Equestria’s ruler, she is viewed as a neutral party by the buffalo, and they agreed to accept her decision. However, since there are no less than forty-seven different treaties covering the issue, she had requested my assistance.
Making my way along the open, sunlit hallways, I whistled a tune to myself, vaguely remembering the words.
Our parade set off, Twas a sight to see. Our flags and banners, Flowing gently in the breeze. We had marched to churchyard, On the hillside at Drumcree. When we were stopped, By the Army and RUC.
I soon arrived at the throne room. With court in session, the main doors were closed. Buttercup and I instead entered through a smaller side door in order to avoid the queues and questions from other ponies. Heading inside, the situation seemed fairly peaceful. The cherry farmers were looking a little impatient and scuffing their hooves on the marble floor, but were otherwise calm. The buffalo meanwhile, seemed to have lapsed into some sort of meditation, each sitting with their eyes closed. Hopefully, this whole dispute would stay civil.
Closing the door behind me, I quickly bowed to the princess.
“You summoned me, your highness?” I asked. Celestia looked up from her thoughts.
“Ah, yes, my advisor,” she replied. She then turned to the two parties before her. “Everypony, this is Mr. Owen, my legal advisor.” I quickly went around the two groups and shook hands and hooves. I then turned my attention back to the princess.
“I’ve read the file on this petition, your highness. I take it you have some ideas you wish to put forward?” Celestia nodded.
“Indeed. Ms. Jubilee here wishes to, as you know, expand her cherry orchards onto a small area of buffalo territory.” I nodded in understanding and turned to the earth pony in question.
“And I take it that you put this request to the buffalo’s tribal council?” I enquired.
“Well,” Jubilee replied. “No, actually. The land’s only two square miles. I didn’t think there’d be too much of an issue.” I wanted to slam my head into my desk. You’d have thought ponies who lived near the territory would at least vaguely understand the rules.
“Ms. Jubilee,” I began. “If you did not have permission to enter, never mind build on their territory, then you were most definitely in the wrong. Buffalo lands, under the Equestrian Internal Nations Act, are sovereign territory of the buffalo tribes. To enter without permission constitutes an incursion into another state. You need to evacuate your ponies immediately.”
Ms. Jubilee nodded her head. When ponies and buffalo came to an understanding, tough laws were drawn up to prevent aggressive expansion, however slight. Under the act, and various treaties, the lands of the buffalo tribes were marked as effective protectorates of Equestria, but retained their sovereignty as independent states, with their own government, judiciary and police. The lands were granted to the buffalo, to quote the treaty ‘for all of time’. Since this looked like it could develop into something of an issue, I decided to pitch in a bit more. While purchase or unlawful entry into buffalo lands was forbidden, there was nothing about renting and trade.
“However,” I went on. “It may be possible to acquire a lease to the land from the tribal council. You would be required to pay rent, of course, or possibly a share of your revenue, and it would be subject to the approval of the tribal council. But you could feasibly plant and farm there.” I then turned my attention to the two buffalo.
“Unless, of course, there is any special significance to that particular area, or the council has any such objections.” Thinking for a moment, the two shook their heads. Celestia smiled.
“Excellent. I agree with your recommendations, my advisor.” She turned to Ms. Jubilee. “You will be required to remove all your farmers from buffalo lands, within the next twenty four hours. After that time, they may face arrest and incarceration by buffalo authorities. You are forbidden from entering, even in passing, the buffalo territories near your land.
“However, it would be beneficial for both parties to reach an agreement to either farm the land on lease, or to embark on a joint-enterprise in order to farm the land. Are there any objections to this ruling?” There were none. “Good. Then this matter is settled.”
The ponies and buffalo, along with myself bowed as we departed. I would need to head back to my office to do the write up for the matter. Official records demanded such. Of course, it was Murphy’s Law that I’d end up heading back to court for another case. I did have a criminal case coming up; an attempted robbery down in Rainbow Falls. I wondered if that was the case Princess Luna had gone after.
In any case, I would be meeting with Wrought Steel today to discuss the prosecution’s case and check testimonies and such. Most of my job really is dotting the i’s and crossing the T’s.
Wrought Steel arrived just as I was finishing up on my paperwork. As I said, he’s the top prosecutor in the CPS; the Crown Prosecution Service. He’s a silver-grey unicorn, with an equally silver mane; hence perhaps the ‘steel’ part of his name, with piercing blue eyes. His cutie mark is that of a balanced set of scales, which explains his current vocation.
Personality wise, he is quite the bloodhound. If he thinks he can win a case, he’ll move heaven and earth to do so. He sticks to the evidence over witnesses, and has a very diametric view of right and wrong. Like my son, he doesn’t give much room for a grey area between the two. I’ve seen him kick the stuffing out of defence witnesses during cross examinations, and turn supposedly unwinnable cases into convictions.
As such, when a serious case like a foiled robbery lands on my desk, he’s my first port of call. While I suspected Luna was behind the capture of the robbers, along with her agents, I couldn’t rely on them to speak, and was sworn to secrecy myself. So, we would need to find other evidence.
The three masked ponies in question had all been unceremoniously dropped off at a nearby hospital, hogtied, their saddlebags still bulging with the stolen loot. Each one had been seemingly caught unawares and suffered a solid kick to their back legs. That had essentially crippled them all. Needless to say, they’d all been arrested on the spot when the Royal Guard had arrived.
Given how they were all but gift wrapped for us, the evidence was pretty overwhelming. We had them, dressed for a show, carrying the stolen goods, and one was still carrying the crowbar he had used to knock out the security guard. What was of concern though, was how they had been apprehended.
“Well, Mr. Owen it looks like we’ve got some vigilantes on our hooves,” Steel said as he examined the photos and statements. “And damned clever ones at that.”
“What makes you say that?” I asked curiously. Steel pushed a photo towards me.
“Their injuries,” he replied. “All three of them were taken down with perhaps two or three blows in a blitz attack. There were no defensive wounds suggesting that they fought back either. And one of those ponies had a weapon; a crowbar, which he never got to use.”
“So, what are you saying?”
“I’m saying that whoever did this, had training. Royal Guard maybe, or at least some form of military training. Sufficient to sneak up on three hardened criminals and disable them in a matter of seconds. And also smart enough to not leave anything behind. No hoofprints, no hairs or blood, nothing.”
“Did our three new friends say anything about it?” I asked. Steel nodded.
“Yeah, though it doesn’t help us much. One of ‘em, apparently the last one to get knocked out, said it was an earth pony in a suit.” I barked a short laugh.
“Very descriptive,” I replied. “Do you want to put out the description, or shall I?” Steel laughed as well and shook his head.
“I know it isn’t much, but it is a pattern.” Reaching for his briefcase, Steel pulled out three more files. “Take a look at these,” he said.
The files were from cases all over the shop; Manehatten, Whinnyappolis, and Applewood. Each one was an easy arrest and conviction. Because the villains had been pretty much hoof delivered, either to a hospital, or some form of law enforcement. It was the same MO too; the bad guys got jumped and were quickly disabled, regardless of how careful they were to avoid detection, and were then bound and dropped off. Nopony saw who it was and descriptions were spotty at best.
There did seem to be more than one of them though, making me suspect Princess Luna’s agents even more. The stallion in the suit seemed to change species with each witness, so I hypothesised that that could be Strong Shield, it would certainly explain the military training. Then, there was a report of a pegasus mare, with an unparalleled skill with a whip; presumably Yearling/Daring. And finally, one of the captured crooks said in a statement that, before they got caught, he could have sworn that they were being followed by a cream coloured earth pony mare with dark sunglasses. Presumably, that was the ‘Sweetie Drops’, who I now knew lived three doors down.
I was just about to finish wrapping things up when the two of us were rudely interrupted.
Without knocking, which I personally consider to be extremely rude, never mind that this is a legal office and had held many a confidential discussion, three pegasi of the Royal Guard, led by Strong Shield burst into my office. I quickly stood up, whilst Wrought Steel pivoted around to see what was happening.
“What is this, captain?” I demanded angrily. Strong Shield however, didn’t answer.
Gesturing to Wrought Steel, two of the other guards grabbed my prosecutor and hauled him out of his seat and began to drag him toward the door.
“Strong Shield! What in the name of Celestia do you think you’re doing? Halt at once!” I exclaimed. I do have some authority and can order guards about if I need to. This time however, they simply ignored my protests, as well as Steel’s. Strong Shield turned back to me.
“Sorry, sir. But that’s classified until he’s out of here,” he replied, pointing at Wrought Steel. I bristled at that.
“Captain Strong Shield. Tell me what is going on, right now, or I will have you written up for disobeying a lawful command!” I warned. Strong Shield merely shook his head.
“The case will be instantly kicked under the Preservation of Equestria Act, sir,” he replied. What? Preservation of Equestria? That was an emergency powers act, the sort of thing you use in wartime, suspension of habeas corpus and that sort of thing.
At that moment, the two guards finally forced Steel out of the room, closing the door behind him and bolting it. They then stationed themselves there, blocking anyone entering or leaving. Reaching into a pocket in his armour, the changeling turned guard fished out a piece of parchment that bore Celestia’s royal seal. Opening the scroll, he began to read.
“By order of Her Grand Royal Highness Princess Celestia, and Her Grand Royal Highness Princess Luna, and with the consent of more than one third of the nobility, a state of national emergency is hereby declared for Canterlot and all northern cities, including the protectorate of the Crystal Empire as of today at 12:00pm local time. In accordance with existing plans as stated in Royal Emergency Directive 2159-B, all personnel essential to the maintenance and continued function of the Equestrian Government are hereby required to evacuate immediately to assigned locations. Authentication is as follows. Twelve Omareha Solemn Certainty. Day word: Cottonmouth. Command word: Trinity. Action word: Jericho.”
My eyes went wide as I listened to him calmly read the notification. Instantly, I scrambled to one of my filing cabinets on the far wall. Grabbing the key from its hiding spot under the window sill, I opened the locked cabinet and retrieved the folder marked ‘Continuity Procedures’. Flipping through sections, I quickly found the authentication list; a list of code words that would be used at the end of such a message to prove that it wasn’t a fake. Each one would confirm the date, clarify the nature of the emergency, and refine my course of action.
“Okay,” I said shakily. “Day word…Cottonmouth. Confirmed and valid as today’s date. Command word…Trinity. Confirmed. Indication of hostilities with another nation; war now imminent or unavoidable. Action word…Jericho. Emergency relocation to place of safety, further communication through emergency wartime procedures. Dear God.”
Not long after Tirek’s brief escape, Celestia, working with Shining Armor, had drawn up plans for continuity of government in the event of a similar disaster. Whilst they may have protected their magic by giving it to Twilight, the government as a whole, as well as what was left of the Royal Guard, ground to a halt, nopony knew what was happening.
Under this plan, when a state of emergency was declared, all the advisors, high ranking officers, and other VIPs were evacuated and dispersed around Equestria, keeping in contact by a special provision of the mail service. The idea was that the country and its military could still be run even if the worst happened, at least until the Elements could be brought to bear. I sat down in my desk and looked to Strong Shield.
“What the hell is going on?” I asked quietly.
“The Yak delegation has said they are going to declare war. We don’t know the details, but something ticked them off. Supposedly, they’re just waiting for a train back north to deliver the news. Celestia is heading down there now to try and save things. Until then, I’m under order to stick to the plan and get you out of here.”
“Where?” The Yaks were in Ponyville right now. For God’s sake my wife was probably still teaching in school! Never mind my kids.
“I’m not allowed to know that,” Strong Shield replied. “Now come on, get what you need, as long as you can carry it. Leave everything else. You leave in fifteen minutes.”
I hurriedly set to work, grabbing important documents on ongoing cases, including Starlight’s file. I didn’t have anything terribly important in here; I imagine Shining was probably destroying half his office before he left. Grabbing a couple personal things, photos and such, I forced it all into my briefcase and locked it.
“Right, let’s go,” I said. Strong Shield nodded and motioned to the two guards at the door. They undid the bolts and moved to one side.
“Good, now get back to your normal post,” he instructed, he then turned to me. “Roger, try to look a little less frightened.” I scowled at him.
“We’re going to probably be at war in a couple of hours, Strong Shield.” He nodded.
“True, but nopony else needs to know that, do they?”
One of the provisions of this emergency plan was that it was kept quiet. The evacuation would be subtle and done quietly to prevent a panic amongst ordinary ponies. I imagine that most of the castle staff didn’t even know what was happening yet.
As we walked down the corridor, heading towards the guard barracks, where all the chariots were kept, a thought occurred to me. There was another possibility as to why everything had suddenly kicked off. It was a long shot, but within the realm of possibility. Plus, if I was right, it would let me go back to my office and stop panicking. I turned to Strong Shield as he walked beside me.
“Captain Strong Shield. I have a question. And you are required to answer it, even under these conditions,” I said. The unicorn looked over to me.
“Shoot,” he replied.
“Is this an exercise?” For a moment, he almost smiled. Then however, he shook his head.
“No, sir. This is not an exercise. This is the real deal I’m afraid.” Damn it, then I guess we really were up the creek without a paddle.
“Worth a shot,” I replied. Dark humour for a dark situation.
I’d looked over these plans in the past. I had to know how they worked in the event a day like today came to pass. They always struck me as being incredibly soulless. You weren’t allowed to visit, or even attempt to contact family. You had to simply drop what you were doing and go to wherever the hell you were supposed to go. I didn’t even know if it had started yet. Were the Yaks already pouring south towards the Crystal Empire?
Strong Shield did his best to hurry me along. I would know more after all when I got to wherever the hell I was going. Presumably, once there I’d meet up with the other ponies involved in the legal aspects of government; judges, clerks, and so on. As mad as it was, you would need such ponies to keep running the country. Particularly if Day Court was suspended and special courts set up. We might even end up operating under martial law.
Turning left, we found ourselves in the open courtyard. A number of chariots were already set up to go. Strong Shield directed me to board one with a few other ponies already on board. I recognised a couple of them; a couple judges from the lower courts and two secretaries, and a clerk. Enough, including myself, to run a very basic court system. Evidently, I was the last to arrive, for no sooner had I stepped on board than we were off into the air.
Gaining altitude quickly, our two pegasi flyers kept up a good rate of knots as we left Canterlot. We soon descended rapidly toward the ground and began weaving in an odd irregular pattern, sticking close to one side of the valley. We weren’t heading for Ponyville, but we were going to pass fairly close to it. I even saw the edges of Sweet Apple Acres, and could just about make out a grey blob, probably my son, working in the orchards.
We had soon passed Ponyville though and began to work our way around the edge of the Everfree Forest. I expected that we would be heading further out, but surprisingly, we suddenly turned sharply and heading into the forest itself.
Skimming just above the treetops we eventually came to a clearing and set down. I quickly recognised where we were; there was only one clearing large enough to land a chariot in. We were at what was left of the old Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters. It was perhaps half a mile from here that I’d first set foot in Equestria, having been knocked unconscious. My son had led us here and then, with a little help from Twilight and her friends, navigated a way out of the forest and out to Ponyville. It was certainly an odd place for us to be dropped. However, it was out of the way; one of the main reasons Celestia and Luna originally settled here, and a good many of the rooms were still intact and serviceable.
The guards pulling our chariot advised us that somepony from the mail service would arrive soon to set up communications with the other groups that would be scattered across Equestria. I had no idea where any of them were; I didn’t even know where Celestia was. It was absolutely mad.
With little else to do, we began to set up in the old castle. Whilst several rooms were unsafe, and the roof of the throne room had almost completely collapsed, plenty of other rooms, particularly in the lower levels were perfectly serviceable. We set ourselves up in three of the larger rooms; one acting as a meeting area and ad hoc courtroom, one area for sleeping (we didn’t know how long we’d be stuck out here), and one area for all our important papers. There was little else to do. While military and political bigwigs would be scrambling to prepare themselves, we didn’t have nearly as much responsibility. So we ended up just waiting for our representative from the mail service to arrive.
She arrived about twenty minutes later. They say every cloud has a silver lining. In our case, it was who we got to deliver our messages; Derpy. She’s Ponyville’s local mailmare. I regularly see her in the mornings when I head out to the station to head up to Canterlot. A grey pegasus with a bubbles cutie mark, and the one lazy eye, Derpy is a great pony. Okay, at times she can be a bit clumsy, but in the time I’ve lived here, she’s never lost or damaged anything of mine in the mail, nor has she ever been late or been stopped by poor weather. Landing, she greeted us with her usual enthusiasm.
“Hey, everypony!” she called out waving as she landed. She soon spotted me. “Hey, Roger!”
“Derpy!” I replied happily. “I take it you’re our delivery pony for this mess?” the grey pegasus nodded.
“Yeah, I don’t get what’s going on though. I got pulled off my normal mail route by a couple guards and they said I had to go here and then to…” she trailed off. “Oops, I can’t talk about that. They said that was really important.” She scratched her head in a somewhat adorable manner as she concentrated. Her antics perked my spirits up a bit. “Anyway, they said I had to deliver this to the ponies out at the old castle. What are you guys doing out here anyway? Team building exercise or something?”
Reaching into her brown saddlebag, Derpy produced a scroll, again bearing Celestia’s royal seal and tied with a red ribbon. I expected that this would tell us precisely what we were supposed to do now that we were out here, and tell us how to get in contact with the other groups. Opening the scroll, I skimmed over its contents, which read like this:
‘Day word – Cottonmouth Authentication – Eight Neighbraska Confidence High The state of national emergency is hereby lifted as of 13:30 hours today for all regions and cities listed in the previous activation alert. All groups are directed to await retrieval for return back to Canterlot.’
I was…surprised to say the least. An hour ago, it said that the Yaks were committed and that we were going to war. Now, it was fine; all was well. I checked the authentication, but it was all valid. Only Shining and the four princesses knew those code words, and the order to use them in. So, it was definitely real. I turned to everypony else.
“You’re not going to believe this,” I said, grinning to myself.
Twenty minutes later, we were indeed picked up by some now far more relaxed guards and flown back towards Canterlot, this time passing over Ponyville. We all had the same question; what the hell had happened? Things had gone from a hundred to zero in half an hour, from war to peace. The guards however, were just as much in the dark.
Arriving back at Canterlot Castle, we were all ushered down to the throne room to see Princess Celestia. Once we were all present, she explained what had happened.
Whilst in Ponyville, the Yaks, who are apparently temperamental at the best of times, had been offered a number of imitations of their culture by Twilight and her friends, particularly Pinkie Pie. However, each time, they found some flaw and lost their cool. After this happened a few times, they decided to take it all as an insult. That got the prince who led the delegation to make the threat of declaring war on Equestria.
As soon as word of this had reached Celestia, she’d moved to take preventative measures. This turn of events was, obviously, the outcome she hoped for. Twilight had luckily been able to recover the situation and made a sufficient peace offering to the Yaks. As such, just as suddenly as the emergency plans had been activated, they were deactivated, as the crisis had been resolved.
She did apologise profusely for the disruption and upset caused by the day’s events. However, she did also point out that it had been an opportunity to test out the continuity plans in a real emergency. For the most part they had worked well. Everypony had been evacuated quietly and without trouble. The groups that had had time had been able to get in contact with each other and coordinate effectively. The government then could continue to function under the circumstances.
Still, I think we were all in agreement that we not do it again.
I got home that night a little later than usual. The day’s events had actually generated a sizeable amount of paperwork on my end, requiring me to catch a later train home. Still, I was back before ten and was just in time for supper. As I climbed into bed, Margaret asked me her usual question.
“So, how was your day, dear?” I smiled and shrugged my shoulders.
“Eh, the usual,” I replied. The ‘extra work’ had been getting the better part of a hundred DORA statements signed by everypony who was involved in the continuity procedures, to make sure nopony blabbed about what had happened. It was one of those stories that nopony would ever tell.
We all have bad dreams, to some extent or another. It just so happens that, when our brains go into their sleep mode and randomly generate images and sounds from memories and experience, sometimes the scenario that results can be quite frightening. But that is all they are; dreams, a fantasy of our minds. Once we wake, they cease to bother us, aside from perhaps an unsettling half remembered memory.
In Equestria however, dreams are a little different. Firstly, they are often much more… real, in my experience. You tend to wake up remembering your dreams more often than not, with crystal clear images and memories. Secondly, they often have some purpose, other than just random synaptic firings. Apparently, the world of Equestria has yet to discredit Freud and Jung in regards to dream analysis. While not always clear, dreams often carry some sort of message or meaning in them.
But by far the most interesting thing is that dreams are in fact connected to magic. When we dream, we actually enter the dreaming world, a sort of sub-level of Equestria, inhabited by thousands of different dreamers, each with their own dream. Nightmares are often caused by such magic, in an attempt to direct our attention to something. However, given the more lucid nature of dreaming in Equestria, the experience can be quite frightening, as I ended up learning myself.
In addition to her role as Princess of the Night, Princess Luna is also the guardian of dreams. Through magic that even my son can only just about understand, she is able to walk through the dreaming realm and enter the dreams of individual ponies. She often helps them, defeating nightmares when they become a problem, and doing her best to help ponies understand their dreams, and what they mean in the waking world. The princess helped remove the malignant nightmare from my mind, allowing me to sleep peacefully.
However, this time, I would find myself in more dire need of her assistance, and she mine.
I found myself reliving one of my darkest days; the day Tirek got loose. And Discord, my best friend, betrayed everyone he knew and sided with him. I later came to the conclusion, based on his actions of past and present, that this was most likely a scheme of his, but it ultimately came unstuck. He’s never told me, but I like to think he saw what Tirek was up to, and was planning to stab the oaf in the back, only the oaf moved first.
Still, on that day, we were no longer friends. I was standing outside my home when he and the magic sucking centaur came through town. Neither my wife nor I had much to fear from him. We had no magic to steal and so Tirek pretty much disregarded us. That didn’t stop him from taking the odd pot shot at me when I challenged him though. I remember, I was standing in front of my house, wishing I had a gun, so I could put a round right between the centaur’s eyes.
“I don’t know who you are, or where you came from,” I bellowed at the centaur. “But I do know that you are going right back to whatever hellhole you crawled out of!” I then turned to Discord, he actually looked a little uncomfortable, but I was too mad at him for his apparent treachery to notice.
“And you!” I went on, pointing an accusing finger at the draconequus. “You are going right back to a statue the moment this is over. And I will take great pleasure ensuring that every single bird in Equestria takes a dump on you, until the end of time!”
Of course, there was very little I could do to back up my threats. Twilight’s friends hadn’t managed to last long against him, nor had my two kids. Even Bones’ desperate use of dark magic hadn’t helped. Tirek grabbed me with his magic and threw me against the wall of my house. At fifty eight years old, that had left me crumpled on the floor in pain. Still, that didn’t put the fire out in me.
“You hear me, Discord?!” I called out, getting halfway on my feet. “My ‘best friend’? I’ll kill you for this! You hear me? I’ll kill you!”
The dream then jumped forward to after Tirek’s defeat, like a scene change in a film. As dangerous as he was, the bastard hadn’t lasted long. He was dangerous, but ultimately proved to be quite stupid, sparing the Element bearers and letting them blast him.
Discord had found himself double crossed and ultimately came hat in hand to Celestia to beg forgiveness. And, much to my surprise, she had forgiven him. It must be something to do with pony nature; they just don’t hold grudges as much as humans do. Their philosophy seems to be ‘forgive and forget’. I didn’t sign up to that.
The next day, when court had reopened to oversee important reconstruction work, Discord had dropped by my office. He said he was sorry, that he was wrong, and that he deserved whatever punishment I thought necessary.
The world around me shifted again, and a moment later, I found myself to be an observer of the conversation. I could see myself and Discord facing each other across my desk. I suppose you could call it an out of body experience.
I, as in the me I was watching, remained sitting at my desk, looked my best friend in the eye, and said this, in a cold, heartless voice.
“Discord, you’re nothing to me now. You’re not a mate, you’re not a friend. I don’t want to know you or what you do. I don’t want to see you in this castle, and I don’t want you near my house. When you go to see Celestia, I want to know a day in advance so I won’t be there. You understand?” I then turned back to my work, ignoring the draconequus completely
“I…” Discord couldn’t form a response. Through all his tricks and pranks, I’d always been in his corner. And now, here I was turning my back on him. He face looked beyond hurt.
Knowing him now, I wanted to intervene. I wanted to tell him that I accepted his apology. I wanted to tell myself that I was being an ass. But I couldn’t move, nor could I speak. I was completely immobile and mute, incapable of doing anything. It hurt me to relive this moment, I even began to feel the beginnings of tears as Discord slowly walked out of my office. It would be a good week before we reconciled. It wasn’t just remembering this that hurt, the dream triggered other, older memories. Memories that were far more painful, and of which I had far more reason to be ashamed of. I wanted to be done with this.
Luckily though, help was at hand.
I felt a presence behind me. I couldn’t quite describe it, but it felt comforting somehow; warm and gentle. I turned to look around. As I did so, the dream suddenly became unstable, warping in and out of focus. I found myself suddenly lucid and aware. The world continued to distort, and ultimately changed from my own office, into a strange void. It was as if I were in space. There were glittering stars all around, and the ground beneath me, which seemed to be a winding path across the sky, was now a sort of nebula; cloud like. And standing just behind me, a comforting smile on her features, was Princess Luna.
“Be at ease, my friend,” the dark alicorn said calmly. “The nightmare has passed.” She wrapped a comforting wing around me, helping me to steady myself. She was smiling kindly and seemed in no hurry.
“Thank you, princess,” I said as I steadied myself at last. The night alicorn stood beside me, looking out into the infinite expanse.
“It was not a particularly strong nightmare. But it was a nightmare nonetheless, hence my presence.”
“It was… just a bad memory, your highness. Probably brought on by that incident with the Yaks.” Luna nodded.
“Hmm, yes. My sister can be a little overzealous when it comes to military matters. I was certainly surprised to be roused from my sleep I can tell you.” That made me laugh a little and crack a smile. “But I think that there might be a little more to this dream than that. You were reliving more than just a bad memory; there was great trauma behind it.” I shook my head.
“It just reminded me of another incident,” I replied. After all, that had been the second time someone had double crossed me and betrayed my trust.
“Still, you feel guilty for your actions,” Luna prodded. I found myself half looking for the psychiatrist’s sofa.
“Of course I do. Both times, it wasn’t right of me to treat them the way I did. I guess I worry that I’ll just do it again. React that way I mean.”
This seemed to affect the night princess rather profoundly, for she fell silent for a few moments, simply sitting with me and letting me relax on the strange star covered path. Eventually, she spoke up again.
“Yes,” she said softly. “Dreams can act in such a way. After all, those who forget their history are doomed to repeat it.” She paused for a moment, looking up at the moonless sky.
“Still, it has ended now, and you are in no danger. Will you be alright now?” I nodded my head.
“I’ll be fine, princess. It just shook me up a little; old memories and whatnot. You understand.”
“Very well, Mr. Owen,” she said, rising to her hooves. “Since it will be morning before long, I shall return you to the waking world.” Her horn began to glow with the same white light that had struck down my nightmare. A moment later, a door appeared not too far away from us. It resembled the door to my bedroom. The princess gestured for me to step through.
Grabbing the handle and turning the knob, I opened the door. And with that, the whole world went white.
With a sharp gasp, I woke with a start. I found myself sitting bolt upright in my bed. It was early morning; the sun was just beginning to peak over the horizon. A quick glance at the clock on my bedside table told me it was just after six. Next to me, my wife continued to sleep, evidently more peacefully than I had.
On Earth, I’d begin to forget a dream from the moment I woke up, with the memory of it fading to mere vague images in a matter of minutes. However, in Equestria, I find that I remember them much more clearly. While Princess Luna had undone the nightmare, the experience had still left me rattled, stirring up old memories the way it had. Okay, sure, I had told that griffon, Riverbill, about the whole experience, but I hadn’t thought about that time since I left the old country.
Getting up, I pulled back the covers and swung myself round to the side of the bed, taking great pains not to disturb my still sleeping wife. I know from long experience that waking her up before she’s ready is a recipe for disaster. Unless of course, a celebrity has died, or it’s snowing.
Putting on my slippers I got up and headed for the bathroom, grabbing my dressing gown along the way to keep warm. Shuffling along the hall, I headed inside, flipped on the light switch, and examined myself in the mirror. Unsurprisingly, I had the look of a man who hadn’t slept well. My face was haggard, with bags under my eyes, and I had clearly been sweating profusely. Turning on the tap, I splashed some cold water onto my face, waking me up. I took a look at myself in the mirror again, now looking somewhat more human. Still, I had half a mind to take a quick drink to settle my nerves.
However, before I could head downstairs and sneak a drop, Margaret awoke from her own slumber. Finding the bed empty, she soon set out looking for me.
“Oh, there you are, Roger!” she declared happily as she trotted down the hallway. “I was wondering where you got to.” She then paused for a moment. “Are you feeling alright, dear?” I nodded.
“Yes, I’m fine,” I replied. “Just woke up a bit earlier is all; had a bad dream last night.”
“Oh? What was it about?” she asked.
For the life of me, I will never understand why my wife insists on talking about each other’s dreams. Usually at least twice a week I’ll get ‘I had this really weird dream’ from her. Right. What am I supposed to do about that? Tell Princess Luna, not me. Then she’ll go into details. One time she came out with; ‘it was our house…but it wasn’t our house. And you were there too…but it wasn’t you’. I ask you, what is the flipping point? So, whenever I make a passing comment about a dream, I get cross examined. But there was no way I was telling her; it would be far, far more trouble than it was worth.
“I don’t really remember too much,” I lied. “It just shook me up a bit. Princess Luna dropped by to help me though. So whatever it was is gone now.” That seemed to at least temporarily satisfy my wife. She grabbed her toothbrush and began to clean her teeth.
One thing did occur to me though, that seemed a little odd; Luna. She seemed…distracted, I suppose. When I’d been troubled by nightmares in the past, she stayed and talked with me for hours to help me overcome my fears. After all, time is accelerated when dreaming, a couple hours often translates to just a few minutes in reality, so she was never in any real hurry. Last night she seemed unusually pensive and lost in her own thoughts. Still, given what I had dreamt about, it was probably for the best. I didn’t want to have to talk about that time again anyway.
Still, her unusual behaviour stayed in my mind the whole day. Being the start of the weekend, I had little to do anyway. I went to bed that night expecting a typical peaceful night. Instead, I would find myself quite busy and with many a question answered.
I found myself in the middle of Ponyville at night. Not an unusual start to a dream. However, in this instance, I was not alone. Everypony in town seemed to be here, all in unusual forms. Lyra and Bon Bon were now a strange conjoined pony, Big Mac was a unicorn, and Derpy had to be about ten feet tall to name just a few.
In the middle of it all was Princess Luna, surrounded by a sphere of light, with white tendrils extending from her forehead. I quickly found myself to be entirely lucid; I knew I was dreaming, and apparently so did everypony else.
I quickly found my wife, and amongst the gathering crowd spotted my son, who now wore a duster coat along with his Stetson, and had a rifle slung across his back. I also managed to pick out my daughter; she was with Fluttershy and was wearing armour worn by the ancient knights of the Crystal Empire, complete with an affixed lance.
Quite quickly, we all found ourselves gathering around the princess, as well as Twilight. The younger princess explained the situation.
“So let me get this straight,” I said, when she had finished. “We’re all dreaming right now. And this Tantabus thing is going to try and turn all our dreams into nightmares.”
“Never mind the nightmares,” my son chipped in. “If this thing gets out into the real world, it’ll be a full blown Kobayashi Maru; Equestria can’t survive in a permanent nightmare.”
“Right,” Twilight went on. “So we need to all work together to capture it and stop it from escaping. Just remember, this is a dream; you can do anything you want.” My son now, pushing his Stetson back on his head, began to enjoy things too much.
“Yeah, this world has the same basic rules as the real world, rules like gravity. But here, those rules are no different that the rules of magic; some can be bent, others can be broken.”
At that moment, the creature appeared and began its assault. It was a small vapour like creature, like a will-o’-the-wisp, that resembled Luna’s flowing mane. We quickly saw its frightening ability, as it turned a simple thatched house into a snarling monster that tried to eat nearby ponies. It was imaginative, I’ll give it that.
Bones was the first amongst us to make a move. His relationship with Princess Luna is an odd one. The boy idolises her, seeing her in the same way that Twilight does Celestia. He looks up to her as a sort of mentor. However, at times he can be something of a zealot, quite odd for a rampant atheist such as himself. Seriously, if you speak a word against Princess Luna in his hearing range, he’ll drop down on you like a tonne of bricks.
Unsurprisingly then, he took a rather dim view of this Tantabus. He takes just as much a dim view of Nightmare Moon, the princess’ dark alter ego. The Tantabus flittered to and fro around the square near Town Hall, with Twilight and the others doing their best to corner it, and undo any attempts it made to escape. Deciding to take a stand, he called out to it.
“Nightmare!” he bellowed. It seemed to catch the creature’s attention, for it stopped in its tracks and turned to face him.
Rearing back a moment on his hind legs, Bones activated his magic. His cutie mark is that of a pair of crossed swords. His talent then lies in defensive magic, similar to Shining Armor. However, on the side, he has also studied dark magic. He very rarely uses it outside of researching spells due to the inherent danger, and he isn’t that powerful. But Twilight has told me that he has some skill.
As he reared up, his eyes took on an unsettling state, the whites of his eyes turned green, and purple vapour began to pour from the sides. The aura of his magic turned black, and as he landed again, obsidian crystals shot up from the earth around the Tantabus.
“Bones!” I exclaimed “What the hell are you doing?” Whether he was studying it or not, that kind of magic was dangerous and corrupting. As the Tantabus dodged his attacks, my son deactivated his magic and turned to me.
“It’s all a dream, Dad!” he replied. “Ah’m not using dark magic, just dreaming ‘bout it. It’s perfectly safe.” I quickly understood what he meant. Since we all knew we were dreaming, we effectively all had the same powers as Discord. I watched as my son switched back to his own magic, and unleashed a light blue beam at the Tantabus.
Twilight encouraged everypony else to join in as well. This resulted in the stalwart Big Mac turning from a mere unicorn into a full blown alicorn. And with a signature ‘eeyup’, he charged after the Tantabus. That got everypony else to follow suit.
Fluttershy turned herself into her infamous Flutterbat persona and took chunks out of the Tantabus, whilst Twilight brought back her old library and sent avian books flying at the creature. Bones continued with a mix of his own and dark magic based attacks, while my daughter joined up with Spike, who had turned himself into a sort of knight as well, and charged into the Tantabus like knights of yore.
We seemed to be steadily gaining the upper hand as the Tantabus was cut off at every turn. A lot of ponies, Bones included, began to even enjoy themselves. As he and a few other ponies launched themselves into another charge he yelled out.
“Come on you horses! You wanna live forever?!”
However, just as things began to turn in our favour, the Tantabus regained the advantage. Princess Luna, despite being an alicorn of immense power, was exempted from the battle. She was needed to hold the dream together. Otherwise, we would all be returned to our own dream and be unable to fight the Tantabus. Forced to be nothing but a bystander, she lamented what was happening.
As she did so, I saw the Tantabus throw off our attacks and seem to gain power. It turned from a mere wisp of nebula, into a shadowy alicorn, and seemed more resistant and more powerful, threatening to open up a number of rifts into the real world. Twilight and the others found themselves pressed to keep the creature at bay. Worse still, as the Tantabus gained ground, Luna seemed to weaken, finding it harder and harder to keep the dream together. Tears streamed down her face as she fought to keep control.
“This is all my fault!” she lamented, struggling to keep her magic going. I ran over to her in the middle of the square.
“What do you mean, princess?” I asked. Off to the side, I saw that Bones had broken off from his own fight and joined me. Twilight explained.
“Princess Luna made the Tantabus to give herself the same nightmare over and over, to remind herself of what she did as Nightmare Moon.” I was shocked to say the least. The idea of a pony torturing themselves like that, however serious the past mistake, seemed extreme. As Luna continued to blame herself, the Tantabus gained more and more power, getting closer to opening a portal. Her confession also drew my son to her side.
“Luna, in the name of your moon, why? Ya think Equestria hasn’t already forging ya for what ya did? You are not the demon that sought night time eternal. Nopony here thinks that.” As he spoke, the Tantabus lashed out again, now taking the form of a huge alicorn. “That’s it: time to put this thing in the ground.” Lighting up his horn, he disappeared in a teleport.
I meanwhile stayed with Luna, doing my best to console her. While I couldn’t be sure, that Tantabus seemed to be tied to her somehow. Every time she became more despondent, it grew more powerful. It was almost like the ancient Windigoes; creatures that fed off negative emotions and used them to create vast snowstorms. I thought that, if I could lift her spirits a little, it would weaken the Tantabus, and give everypony else a fighting chance.
However, as I stood by her, I spotted something out of the corner of my eye. Twilight was still flinging living books at the Tantabus from her old library, but a little way off to the side, there was another mare. She had a light pink coat, with a dark purple and aqua mane.
It was Starlight Glimmer!
If she was in this dream, then she had to be in Ponyville right now! She was at last within my reach. I could catch her here, and then find her in the waking world. From what I could tell, she was simply observing what was happening. My guess is that she’d been pulled into the dream when Luna connected everypony’s dreams together. Since she was in town, she got pulled in. Thus she was here.
In any case, I had an opportunity to capture Public Enemy Number 2 (In case you were wondering, Chrysalis remains in the number one spot, since we were never able to confirm what happened to her). I acted quickly, crouching down and doing my best to stay concealed.
Now, normally, I’d be extremely cautious when apprehending such a mare. She had access to powerful magic, and was on par with Twilight, by the princess’ own admission. After all, she’d managed to temporarily steal their cutie marks when she caught them off guard. However, in this dream, we were equals in terms of strength. I could use magic if I wished, even dipping into alicorn or dark magic without risk, as my son currently was. Instead though, I decided to stick to a more human approach; speak softly, but carry a big stick. There was a good chance I could get her to come quietly.
Concentrating for a moment, I summoned forth a suitable instrument; her ‘Staff of Sameness’, in actuality, a well carved tree branch used to hide her magic from unsuspecting ponies. Still, it should do well when used to deliver a solid rap to the head. Sneaking up behind her, I tapped the mare on the shoulder.
“Hello, Bob,” I said calmly. A fitting quotation, considering I was currently holding her own weapon.
Her ears promptly perked up and her whole form tensed as she felt the tap at her shoulder. Turning around, she and I ‘met’ for the first time. Her eyes, for a moment, were filled simply with curiosity at the strange being the stood before her. They darted from my head to my toes, taking in the odd, distinctly non-pony body. Quite quickly though, it dawned on her that she was in trouble. Her eyes widened and she let out an ear piercing scream, though annoyingly this was drowned out by the nearby battle, so nopony else heard her.
Unsurprisingly, she then took off, galloping away from Twilight’s briefly resurrected library and further away from Ponyville. I did my best to keep up with her, though with this being a dream, I was able to increase my speed to keep pace with the proverbial prancing pony. Starlight briefly turned around a couple of times and took the odd pot shot at me with her magic. Luckily, on that front, I was able to dodge her inaccurate attacks.
I briefly got to wondering how large this dream was. Did it have a boundary of sorts? Or could this idiotic chase go on until we hit the sea? I didn’t get a chance to find out as Starlight suddenly peeled off. We were on the outskirts proper now, and nearing Twilight’s castle. The place, in my experience, is a goddamn maze. I know of three rooms in the whole castle, the throne room, which is also the front hall, the library (left, left, right, left, straight, right, and then the second door on your left), and the bathroom (ironically next door). I assumed that that was what Starlight was counting on, using the building as a way to lose me and then slip between the cracks once again.
Starlight darted in through the open front door. Quickly following, I found her staring at Twilight’s map contraption, which was in its active state for some reason, with all the cutie marks centred on Ponyville. I guess in this dream, the map knew there was a threat to harmony and had identified it. I quickly moved in on her and made a grab for her.
“Hold it right there, Starlight,” I warned. The mare however, simply took off again into one of the corridors.
Thus began a rather impossible game of cat and mouse. Neither of us knew where we were going and we didn’t know where the other was. What I did know though, was that this castle had one way out and one way in; the front door. I therefore stayed fairly close to the entrance to the castle, listening for the sound of hooves on the crystal floor.
I also decided that I needed a more suitable weapon. Concentrating for a moment, I swapped out the large stick I had been carrying for a tried and true Webley service revolver; six shots, accurate and loud. It would certainly scare the living daylights out of Starlight, even if I missed.
Carefully, I probed my way through the maze of corridors, checking each room carefully in case the blighter had gone to ground. Unfortunately, I had no luck in finding her. This whole escaping malarkey seemed to be a skill of hers; she’d eluded Twilight and her friends last time by disappearing into a network of caves near her messed up vault.
As I was working my way back to camp out on the front door however, I heard hoofsteps. Tensing up a little, I pulled back the hammer on my revolver; a hair trigger. Creeping around the corner, I caught a fleeting glimpse of the light pink unicorn. I let off a single shot, missing her by inches. The sound reverberated through the castle and made me grab at my ears. I’d forgotten how loud these things could be indoors; it’s not like in films. It was only due to it being a dream that I didn’t blow my eardrums.
Chasing after her, I ran back through the throne room and out the front door. She was running back towards town and the ongoing battle. To my horror, the Tantabus was now a giant alicorn apparition and looked poised to step through a massive portal.
Raising my gun and pointing it skyward, I deliberately fired a shot into the air.
“Stop, Starlight!” I called out. “Stop or I’ll kill you!” That got her attention. She at last checked her headlong flight and with her sides heaving, turned to face me.
At that moment thought, the whole dream shifted and the huge form of the Tantabus seemed to vanish. I later learned that the Tantabus was indeed gaining more power from Luna’s negative emotions. Despite the time that has passed since her redemption, she still apparently blamed herself for what happened when she became Nightmare Moon. This only extended to the current crisis, since the Tantabus was her own creation. It was only when Twilight and the others, my son included, told her that they had long since forgiven her actions that she began to let go of her regret. This deprived the Tantabus of its power, but also altered it. Turning to a shadowy mirror image of Luna, she and it reconciled and it returned to her.
One the one hand, this was all well and good; the crisis was over and the apocalypse was no longer upon us. However, it also meant that we would now wake up. And I didn’t yet know where Starlight was in the real world.
“Wait, princess, wait!” I called out. But it was too late, the world slowly began to fade out and I had no choice but to watch as, with an evil smirk, Starlight slipped through my fingers.
It was early morning when I awoke. This time, I quickly bolted out of bed, not caring too much for inadvertently waking she who must be obeyed. Quickly getting dressed, I made for Ponyville’s train station and boarded for Canterlot. While Starlight may have eluded me, we still had a better chance than before of nabbing her. The journey up the mountain would take an hour, but that would be all the head start she’d get. I could then come back with half the Royal Guard in tow and go hunt her down. Now we had a recent last known location, it was no longer a case of a needle in a haystack.
After what seemed like the slowest morning commute in history, and the longest cab ride to the castle, I eventually made my way to the throne room. Celestia had not even opened court yet when I burst through the doors, startling one of the maids, who dropped her tea tray and scampered off like a frightened rabbit.
“Princess!” I exclaimed. “We have a situation!” Celestia nodded as she dismissed the guard she was talking to prior to my sudden arrival.
“Indeed, my advisor. I hope I can trust you to aid Shining Armor with the investigation?” That confused me greatly and caused me to pause. How did she know already?
“Er, investigation? Your highness, we need to get down to Ponyville right away, there’s chance we can catch her if we move quickly.” Now it was Celestia’s turn to look confused.
“Oh, I see. It seems that we are talking about two different incidents,” she replied. “I was referring to last night’s break in at the Archives. The staff there are doing inventory now, but I fear something may have been taken. What case were you referring to?”
“Last night, your highness. In Princess Luna’s dream.” The mention of the incident made Celestia grimace; I imagine she didn’t take the news that her sister had been torturing herself for the past few years well. “I saw Starlight Glimmer; she has to be in Ponyville.” My thoughts then turned to the incident Celestia had just related. Who the hell would break into an old glorified library?
At that moment, we were interrupted by an old beige stallion with a silver mane, who was announced to be the head archivist. Evidently, they had finished up with their inventory.
“Ah, Proper Place,” Celestia greeted warmly. “I take it you have completed your inventory and refiling?” The elderly stallion nodded.
“Everything has been accounted for, your highness,” he answered in a tired voice. “Except for one spell.” Celestia now stood up from her throne.
“Which spell?” she demanded, sounding genuinely concerned. An understandable reaction; there was a lot of stuff in there under lock and key with damn good reason.
“According to our records, it was Starswirl the Bearded’s Time Travel Spell. It allows a sufficiently skilled user to travel back in time roughly one week; though with the spell itself to hoof, a less refined user might be able to simply charge the scroll itself to properly manifest it.” I turned back to face Celestia.
“Princess, I fear that these are not isolated incidents,” I offered. “Starlight may have travelled up here not long before myself and broken in during the guard shift change just before dawn. We did fear that she was planning something serious,” Celestia nodded in agreement and quickly summoned Shining Armor to the throne room.
The gallant white unicorn had been busy working with the rest of the guard assigned to investigating the break in. Celestia now though, gave him new orders.
“Shining Armor,” she began, her tone serious. “It is my belief that Starlight Glimmer was responsible for this break in, and that she may still be in the area; either here, or near Ponyville. You are to search the city for her immediately. She has stolen a potentially dangerous spell from the archives.” Shining nodded and I continued.
“We’ll need everypony you can get your hooves on, Shining,” I added. “No holidays and no other incidents today. Get the Royal Guard to go through this valley, section by section, blade of grass by blade of grass, and find that Equalist fruitcake if she’s out there.”
Important disclaimer – This chapter contains material some readers may find offensive. The views expressed herein are those of the characters, and in no way represent those of the author. All names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this chapter are fictitious, and any resemblance to any persons, living or dead, is unintended and entirely coincidental.
Unfortunately, much to my annoyance, we were not able to find Starlight, despite the best efforts of Shining and the Royal Guard. It was like trying to find Afghans in Tora Bora. Every time you got close, the buggers just disappeared back into the woodwork. Irritably, I clenched my fists on the desk. She tasks me. She tasks me and I will have her! I'll chase her round the dreams of the Night Princess, round the Everfree maelstroms, and round Tartarus' flames before I give her up!
Initially, I was extremely concerned; Starlight had taken a time travel spell after all. I’ve seen enough movies and Doctor Who episodes to know it’s a dangerous game. However, my concern was alleviated somewhat when I learned a bit more about the spell that she had taken. Twilight had used it herself once, inadvertently creating a closed time loop. She went back one week and tried to warn herself not to waste time getting worried about the message her future self would tell her. But the spell expired before she could finish, thus setting in motion the chain of events that led her to travel into the past in the first place.
There were two bits of good news. One was the range. Starswirl had never, not even with alicorn magic, been able to extend the range of the spell beyond travelling one week into the past. So that was as far as Starlight could go; she wouldn’t be able to do much. Secondly, you only got about between thirty seconds and a minute before the spell degraded and the caster was sent back to their point of origin. While it was still a concern, I couldn’t see what Starlight could do with the spell, regardless of where she went. She certainly wasn’t going to be able to go back in time and destroy all cutie marks, or prevent the princesses coming to power.
So, the matter returned to the background again. I was still very keen to nab her, and there was still quite a bounty on her head, plus Discord was after her, but there was little I could personally do right now.
The only thing I needed to do was, you guessed it, more paperwork. The nobles were demanding an enquiry into how the break in happened; a lot of those scrolls did belong to various members of the nobility after all. So, I had to form a commission of enquiry, chair the meetings, make a decision, write up a full report and present it to Celestia and the nobles in question at Day Court, all within the week. And that was in addition to my usual workload of everyday petitioners and criminal cases.
As I was steadily working my way through the files and subpoenaing various nobles and Royal Guard officers to testify, there was a knock at my door. I actually was quite glad for the opportunity to talk to somepony, at that point, I wouldn’t have minded if it was Blueblood or that tosser Jet Set.
“Come in.” I called out as I continued to finish up the letter I was writing. The door opened and, much to my surprise, in stepped Shining Armor.
It was a rare thing that the Captain of the Royal Guard paid call on me. Yes, we were friends, more so now that he was regularly joining the princesses and me when we played Mornington Crescent, but it was unusual that he’d come and see me in my office. I set the letter I was writing to one side, leaving the ink to dry.
“Shining,” I greeted, getting up from my seat and walking around my desk. “What brings you down here?”
The white unicorn stallion looked a little apprehensive at my question. I sincerely doubted that he was here in need of legal advice. The stallion is Eliot Ness on four hooves and, unlike some groups on Earth, the Royal Guard is not an organisation that routinely comes under fire for misconduct. In my entire time working here, I’ve only known of two, that one case of two guards fighting in the barracks, and another that turned out to be an exercise in reporting corruption.
“Something the matter, Shining?” I asked when he remained silent. He closed the door behind himself and locked it with his magic, the handle briefly being encased in his pinkish aura.
“Can I talk to you about something?” he asked me. “In confidence and off the record.” I nodded, frowning a little.
“Yeah, of course you can,” I replied. “I’m technically your legal counsel too; everything you say in this office is bound by confidentiality rules.” I gestured for him to take a seat and pulled another chair from the far wall so I could sit alongside him; sitting behind my desk felt a bit too adversarial. “What’s the matter?” Shining scratched the back of his neck for a moment before replying.
“Well…I just talked to Cadence; she sent me a letter through that new snowflake system she’s set up.” Ah, yes, it was a similar enchantment to Spike’s ability. Only instead of burning a letter with dragon fire, it was placed in a large snowflake and sent drifting to the recipient. A clever and quite pretty system if I do say so myself. Anyway, I digress. Shining continued.
“She says that she thinks…she might be pregnant.” I’m certain my eyebrows went up at that. Not in surprise; the two have been married for a while now, it just seemed odd that he was telling me. I expected that Twilight would be his first port of call. Still, I followed standard social niceties.
“Oh, wow, congratulations, Shining,” I said, patting him on the back, realising too late that I was doing it as if I were petting a horse. “Sorry, force of habit.”
“Well, the thing is, I’m one of about a dozen stallions in the entire Royal Guard that are married. And, as captain, I can’t really go asking them for advice. So, I was hoping if you could…give me some hints…about becoming a father I mean.” I leaned back in my chair a little.
“Oh, is that all?” I asked smiling a little to myself. Honestly, Shining might as well have asked me what the meaning of life, the universe, and everything was. It certainly warranted some thought. Still, I suppose I could impart a bit of wisdom. But like they say; kids don’t come with instruction manuals. That’s how I started.
“Well, Shining. First things first, I can only give you tips from my experience, and nothing I can tell you is guaranteed to work. It isn’t like becoming a guard. In nine months, you’re going to get this little bundle of joy; you’re not qualified, you’ve got no experience, and there’s no owner’s manual to look at when you’re stumped. A lot of it it’s just going to be playing it by ear; sticking with your gut.
“It’s the hardest job I’ve ever had; long hours, no pay, and at the end they might even turn around and say ‘you screwed me up’. But, it is also the most rewarding; I’m proud of both of my kids. They’re where they are today, in part, because of the way my wife and I raised ‘em. You’re going to be winging it, and you will make mistakes along the way. But I think you and Cadence will manage.” I paused, I realised I was just spouting clichés. I shifted in my seat a little and laid a hand on Shining’s shoulder.
“Shining, trust me; you are great father material. I’ve seen bad dads, and you aren’t one. You have a kind and caring personality, you’re firm but fair in everything you do, you’re intelligent and wise, and you have the level of commitment to keep trying even when they lock themselves in their room and blast rock music for six hours.” That last one made Shining laugh a little. He then went quiet again and asked me another question.
“Roger, what do you think about being a soldier, as well as a father?” he asked.
I don’t know why I said what I said. I guess I just needed to, and felt that it was the right thing to do. I think it certainly helped.
“I would hope,” I replied quietly. “That being one has made me better at the other.” Shining looked at me curiously.
“I thought you were a lawyer before you arrived in Equestria and Celestia made you her advisor,” he said, sounding a little thrown. “You never mentioned being a soldier before.” I sighed to myself.
“It isn’t something I’m particularly proud of, Shining,” I explained, sounding a little weary. “But the lesson I learned from it made me a better father.” Turning slightly, I removed my jacket and rolled up the sleeve of my shirt, exposing the old tattoo.
“See this?” I asked. Shining squinted at it in an effort to make out the faded, and to him foreign, letters.
“Er, yeah. I think it says ‘FGAU’. Right?” I nodded. Somehow it was strange to hear a pony say it, particularly when he tried to pronounce it as a word.
“Shining, what I’m about to tell you, is a secret. In all of Equestria, only one other pony knows about this; my wife doesn’t, nor do my kids, not the princesses, not even Discord. Can I ask you to keep this between us?” Shining frowned for a moment, obviously not approving of my deception. Eventually though, his curiosity won out.
“Alright,” he said. With that, I began.
“Well,” I said. “For starters, Owen isn’t my original family name. I changed it not too long before I met my wife. Until I moved to England, it was Rowain. In case you don’t know, that’s an Irish name. And in my younger days I was indeed a soldier, of sorts. I was arguably though, and according to my own government was, a terrorist and a criminal.” Shining let out a sharp whiney at that. I then went on.
“FGAU is an acronym; For God and Ulster, it’s the motto of the Ulster Volunteer Force; a paramilitary group. We were stuck in a near stalemate with another group, the IRA; ended up in a bloody tit-for-tat guerrilla campaign. I left before I met my wife. But one incident while I was there helped me as a father.”
Belfast, Northern Ireland - 1973 – Twelve Months after the Springmartin Gun Battle
I’d been in the Volunteers for a few years by that point. I’d risen up through their ranks and been given command of my own active service unit, essentially a ‘crew’ to use modern criminal vernacular. As much as we all pretended to play soldiers, we spent very little time actually combatting the IRA directly. Most of the time we relied on a campaign of collective punishment against Catholic civilians.
We lacked the resources, manpower, and intelligence to do any real damage to the Provisionals; even the British Army and MI5 took their sweet time infiltrating the dozens of cells, it was the SAS ambushes that really hurt them and ultimately, bled them white.
So, we took what we could. Whenever the IRA acted, be it a bombing, drive by, kidnapping, robbery, or anything else, we would respond. Usually, this involved finding a suitable target; someone we suspected of supporting the republican cause, and doing something nasty to them. This could range from killing one man, to blowing a hole in an electricity substation, both of which I took part in at one time or another.
However, even without provocation from our friends from Dublin, the UVF did all it could to keep Catholics and Protestants divided. It was this that I was about to do.
We were currently driving through the streets of Belfast in what was regarded as a Protestant area. I was in the front passenger seat, and there were three other guys with me, all part of my ASU. We were on our way to an off license, and we weren’t planning on buying ourselves a drink.
The place was owned and operated by a Catholic man, and to the UVF, that meant he supported the IRA. In turn, that meant he had to go. Other groups had approached him in the past, but the guy had apparently been quite insistent that he was staying. As such, we were now moving onto more serious measures. Hence the baseball bats in the back. We’d been told not to kill him, just to rough him up as a final warning to get out while the going was good. However, as I stared out the window, I doubted that that would be the case when we were finished with him.
Today, I don’t have any problems with Catholics. I don’t hate them, I don’t dislike them, and I’m sure that most would be welcome in my home. Back then though, I was angry. In 1967, I’d lost my Dad to Irish nationalism. He wasn’t involved in anything, but the IRA had killed him anyway. They’d grabbed him off the street as he was coming home from work, beat him to death, and dumped his body in a ditch.
That was why I had joined up. By the early 1970’s, there had been something of a regime change in the UVF’s command; Brigade Staff. A lot of volunteers believed we weren’t doing enough. Until then, we only targeted the IRA and its supporters directly, and we weren’t having much of an effect. Since the IRA seemed to have no qualms about blowing up civilians, neither did we. The old guard were replaced by more hawkish officers, with closer connections to the criminal underworld. Targeting shifted to be more open. To paraphrase, the only good Taig was a dead one as far as the new UVF command was concerned. Plus, given that a lot of volunteers were getting locked up, there was a need for an increase in recruiting; in the past you had to be invited to join by Brigade Staff. I joined up in 1968 and took part in my first real operation a year later.
Anyway, we soon reached the off licence in question. It was a large enough place, with a single front entrance and large, covered glass windows on either side. Like most places in Belfast, it looked a little worse for wear. In particular, the soot and scorch marks around the doorframe made it look particularly rough. Presumably, the UDA, another Loyalist group, had also given this guy fair warning to disappear.
Still, the lights were on, the door was open, and the place still seemed to be in business. So, we set to work. In spite of myself, I warned the guys I was with to be careful and not kill the idiot.
We left our van and piled out. Two of us had baseball bats slung over their shoulders. I meanwhile, just in case, had a revolver hidden under my jacket. We each pulled on a ski mask to prevent anyone getting identified. Kicking the door back on its hinges, we made our entrance. The man behind the till, who looked to be in his late fifties, turned white as a sheet.
I gave him the usual spiel. He’d been warned that this would happen, he’d been given his fair share of chances, and that now he’d be made an example of. I suppose it’s a testament to how angry I was back then. I stood by and watched as two of my guys broke not only his jaw and an orbital bone, but also fractured three of his ribs before they finally let up.
That was who I was, and that was how I did business. They’d been wearing gloves, so they dropped one of the now very bloody bats next to him, a calling card if you will. We then smashed up his shop, and stole what we could from the till. Not exactly the behaviour you’d expect from freedom fighters, is it?
We peeled out just as the RUC, the police, were coming around the corner. My guess is someone heard what was going down and called 999. We all ended up piling back into the van and going a bit of a merry chase, with a police Land Rover nipping at our heels. Luckily, the armour plating slowed him down, and we gave him the slip not long after. As brutal and vicious as it was, that was a pretty successful outing to my younger self.
Once we got back to report, I let the matter drop. We’d all done what we’d been told to do, had a bit of twisted fun into the bargain, and done our supposed duty. I hardly even really remember it. You see one guy beaten within an inch of his life, you’ve seen them all.
I went home that night in pretty good spirits. Like a lot of the volunteers, I lived around Shankill way. My home was a decent sized terraced affair. I stayed there looking after my mother; someone needed to be with her, just keeping her company since Dad died. The money I made was split between looking after myself, and looking after her. I never told her how I came by my funds; though I think she suspected it, at least toward the end. The various ‘friends’, phone calls late at night, and the fact that I was often looking over my shoulder were probably less than subtle clues. I know she probably disliked what I did, but I was well past talking about it all. The night Dad had been killed, I’d set my heart on joining up and getting revenge. I hope that, wherever she is now, she’s been able to find some way to forgive me.
Like I said, The Troubles were a tit for tat affair. Each side responded to the other, claiming to act purely in defence of their own people. I’d been with the Volunteers for a few years, it wasn’t unexpected that my number came up.
I’d left Mum watching the news and stepped into the kitchen to make her a cup of tea. The house was laid out so that the kitchen was at the back of the house, with a couple of walls between it and the street out front.
The first thing I knew about it was the chattering of the automatic rifle, along with the sound of shattering glass. I quickly followed what I’d been taught about this kind of situation, and hit the deck. The firing seemed to last an eternity. When it finally stopped, I heard the sound of screeching tires as a car tore down the street. All told, the whole thing was probably over and done with in less than thirty seconds.
As soon as I was sure that it was safe, and that they hadn’t lobbed any surprise presents in along with the bullets, I made for the living room. The thick walls had kept me mostly safe, though a ricochet had nicked me on the cheek and leg. My Mum however, hadn’t been so lucky. Sitting right in the line of fire, she’d been hit badly. She was covered in blood and the gore made me sick to my stomach. There was nothing I could do for her, apart from call for an ambulance.
That was the second time I lost someone close to me. I vowed that it would be the last.
The RUC bumbled about in their usual way, turning my house upside down. I actually had to scramble to remove a few incriminating articles lest they get uncovered by plod. I wasn’t known to the police at that point; I hadn’t been arrested and I wasn’t suspected of being involved with anything.
Ultimately, the detectives decided that my Mum was the victim of a random drive by. Who says lightning doesn’t strike twice?
As soon as they left me alone in my ruined front room, I got on the blower to my OC, my senior officer. He’d already heard what had happened. The Provisionals had had the balls to announce their little stunt beforehand, just to gloat about it. They’d said that they were going to kill ‘a puppet of British oppression and an obstacle to the freedom of a united Ireland’. Well, guess they didn’t quite manage that.
The next day, I was invited to pay call on The Eagle Fish Bar, a chip shop whose upstairs was the location of Brigade Staff’s headquarters. It was a rare thing for a lowly thug like myself to meet with the top men of the UVF. They expressed their sympathy for my loss and asked me if I would be willing to take part in a counter operation. I readily agreed.
For once, we had actually managed to find a serving IRA member, and an officer to boot. Apparently, the car that shot up my house had run an Army checkpoint a few miles down the road. A squaddie had clocked the number plate and passed it to the RUC. It turn, certain elements in the RUC passed it to us, along with the registered owner’s address. The car wasn’t nicked, and the plates came back to a known IRA suspect named Jack Doyle. Until now they’d never been able to prove anything against him. The authorities were planning on approaching him and attempting to turn him informant. The UVF had other ideas, blowing him away for example.
I would not be in charge of this operation, but I would be the trigger man; the man who actually did the shooting. In the past, I typically had a more senior role, running my own ASU with a degree of operational freedom. This time though, I’d be the second most junior member of a three man team. In addition to myself, there would be a driver, who would provide our means of escape when we were done, and the senior officer who would be give the order and act as a backup shooter if things went wrong.
The driver was actually someone I knew, much to our mutual surprise. It was Sam Farrell. He was the same age as me and had been involved in the cause since his mid-teens, having joined the YCV’s; the UVF’s youth wing, early on. I’d gone to primary school with him and we lived only a few doors down from each other. He was a tall, lanky fellow with a messy mop of dark brown hair.
The OC was a stranger to me, and Sam. He wasn’t UVF, but rather, was a member of the Red Hand Commandos. The Commandos were a smaller, nastier loyalist group. They shared the UVF’s militaristic outlook and had allied themselves with us, ultimately reaching a mutual agreement to share not only operational control and personnel with Brigade Staff, but also weapons and intelligence. His role would be to act as a sort of safety net.
I was being given an old Webley army revolver, six shots at close range would be plenty for the job. I’d have preferred a machine pistol, such as an Uzi, but those were hard to come by without getting picked up. Most of our kit was war surplus or smuggled. Springmartin had actually seen a couple of our snipers using old Lee-Enfield rifles after the bomb went off. The RHC man however, had himself an AK with two magazines. If Doyle tried to make a break for it and ran for his car, he’d find himself staring down its barrel.
This RHC man, who called himself Cullen, briefed us on how things were to go down. We’d pull up to the front of the target’s house. It was a large place with its own parking courtyard. The entrance would be blocked off by the car, with Cullen and his AK ensuring nobody got in or out. Sam would keep the engine running and be ready to make off as soon as the job was done. I meanwhile, would get out as soon as we pulled up and approach the front door.
This was the clever part. Our mutual friends in certain parts of the RUC had lent us a uniform. I’d walk up to the front door disguised as a typical beat bobby. When Doyle opened the door; which he would for an officer of the law, I’d kill him. It would then be a simple case of driving off before the real RUC turned up.
So, that was the plan. It seemed simple enough. And, while I wouldn’t be getting the bastard who shot up my house, I would be hurting the IRA in Belfast pretty badly. But, as I had long ago learned, no battle plan ever survives first contact with the enemy. And the scale of which things were about to go sideways…well, it was a doozy.
Due to time constraints, it was decided that the operation take place the on Monday morning. While we were all ready and raring to go, we needed to wait for our RUC contact to smuggle out both a legitimate uniform and a warrant card. So, for the rest of the weekend, Cullen, Sam, and I, practiced and refined our plan. We needed to be in and out in no more than ninety seconds. That meant that in that time, we had to pull up, I needed to go to Doyle’s front door, get him to open up, shoot him half a dozen times, then run back to the car and disappear before anybody had a chance to react.
Two solid days of training, combined with a refresher on unarmed combat, and driving practice for Sam, and we were ready. We got the RUC uniform first thing Monday. We were due at Doyle’s front door at half nine.
We would be using a ‘procured’, read stolen, vehicle, which would be dumped and burned when the job was done. Still, Sam and Cullen both took precautions, wearing gloves, to be safe. Cullen also would be ducking down in the rear footwell of the car for most of the journey. Unlike Sam and me, he was well known and didn’t want to take the risk of being made on the way in. When we got to Doyle’s he’d don the usual ski mask in case he did have to open up.
Once we were all ready, and I was disguised as your not-so-friendly Belfast copper, we got into the car. It was an old Ford. The VIN was filed off, but the plates were valid, so we wouldn’t be picked up by the RUC or Army on the way. We would be passing through at least one checkpoint, since we’d be crossing into a catholic area on the other side of the wall.
The journey took us about twenty minutes. We left Shankill and headed for west Belfast, passing a few murals painted on the sides of houses which depicted various Loyalist groups. The IRA liked to throw literal shit at them from time to time. It wasn’t too long before we came across one of the ironically named ‘Peace Walls’ that divided the city. An RUC officer vouching for them, i.e. me, easily got us through the checkpoint. Personally, I didn’t fancy tangling with the wicked looking Scorpion APC that sat nearby; armoured Land Rovers were bad enough.
We soon reached Doyle’s place. It was certainly a lot nicer than anything I’d ever seen. It had a large courtyard for parking off the road, and the house itself was a very modern and stylish affair. Undoubtedly, Doyle had acquired it through less than legal means. Most of the IRA got its funds the same way we did, by extortion and robbery. But they also got ‘donations’ from sympathetic yanks, and by smuggling.
Sam wished me good luck and I got out of the car, putting on RUC cap and doing my best to look professional. I briskly walked up to the front door and rang the bell, as well as knocking on the door.
I’d seen pictures of Doyle, so I quickly recognised him when he came to the door. He was a late middle aged man, with silver hair, and a nasty scar running down the one side of his jaw; a consequence of a rather nasty encounter with a YCV’s blade. I quickly made with the usual spiel, flashed my warrant card and asked if I could come in. Doyle obliged; the paddy even offered me a cup of tea.
My plan was to follow him into his front room, put two in his chest, then one in his head to finish the job. But as I said before about battle plans; they never survive first contact. No matter what, you can’t plan for everything.
I followed Doyle and prepared to draw on him. But as I entered, I saw something that stopped me dead.
A kid.
He couldn’t have been more than seven or eight years old. He was sitting on the sofa, minding his own business. Doyle even introduced me; this was his son, Billy.
That was when it hit me, why I was here. This whole war was about revenge. We weren’t looking to end anything, just keep the cycle going. They killed one of ours, so we killed one of theirs, over and over. I was here, about to kill a father in front of his son, because my mother had been killed in front of me, because I’d roughed up a shopkeeper, because they’d set fire to a pub last week. There was no sodding rhyme or reason any more, no politics, no religion; it was just revenge. And what would happen to me in the end? I’d almost found myself bumped off, and the next time could very well be the real deal. What had I done with my life? Nothing, that’s what.
In that moment, my own desire for vengeance dissipated somewhat. All I needed to do was break the cycle. Maybe inspire someone on their side to do the same. Somebody needed to simply say ‘enough’. I was supposedly a senior officer, and officers were supposed to lead by example, to teach those below you to do your job someday. That was exactly what I would do.
I was thinking of what I could do now. I couldn’t tell Doyle why I was here, and I couldn’t simply walk out without killing him. If I tried to bungle the job, there was still a good chance I’d get killed. In the end, fate stepped in.
The three of us in the house were startled by the sound of screeching tires and sirens. I heard a series of shots go off outside. Sticking with my RUC disguise, I told Doyle that I’d go out to investigate. It definitely stopped me having to shoot him in front of his kid.
Heading outside, I found myself staring down quite a few SLRs, British Army issue. The car that had been blocking Doyle’s driveway entrance had been smashed to one side by an armoured Land Rover with some bull bars, painted army green. Cullen lay dead on the ground, the rifle still in his hands. Sam meanwhile, was standing with the squaddies. A sergeant called me by name and ordered me to throw out the weapon I was carrying. You didn’t need a master’s degree to read the situation.
Sam, a guy I’d been friends with since childhood, was a bloody supergrass! He was an informant. As soon as he’d heard that we were planning this number, he’d blown the whistle. With no other option, I surrendered myself to the small army before me.
I was quickly arrested on conspiracy and locked up. Sam had apparently been rumbled by Special Branch about six months ago. In exchange for a full pardon, he turned informant. I’ve…never forgiven him for that. It meant I had to stand up and face the music, on everything. Not only was I charged with conspiring to murder Doyle, but I was also done for everything I’d done in the last year or so. In the end, the charges were, being a member of a prescribed organisation, possessing firearms without a licence, concealment of firearms, impersonating a police officer, assault, intimidation, racketeering, GBH, conspiracy, and possession of bomb making materials.
The only upside was that they’d managed to book Doyle at the same time. It later came to light that, at that moment, he was acting OC for a large chunk of West Belfast. The Dáil were supposed to be mad as hell for losing someone so experienced and high up in the IRA.
Anyway, unlike Sam, I had the sense to keep my mouth shut. The judge sent me down for fifteen years in Long Kesh.
I won’t talk about my time in the infamous H-Block. Suffice it to say, life as a POW wasn’t pleasant. On the other hand though, it did hammer home my earlier disillusionment with the Loyalist cause; the UVF and UDA were killing more of each other in feuds than they were the enemy. The whole cause seemed to be shifting to the right too, taking in crazy neo-nazi skinheads and other levels of scumbag, a far cry from Gusty Spence’s original idea for a armed citizen defence group. The Troubles descended from a stalemate to complete and utter pointlessness.
I was eventually released a decade later on good behaviour. I resigned my commission in disgust and decided to get out while I could. The laughable ‘peace’ of the 1990’s was still a good decade away, and CLMC had little interest in negotiating with the enemy, or with the British Government.
So I left. There was nothing left for me in Northern Ireland anyway. I changed my name to Owen and tried to start with a clean slate.
I took a breath as I finished my story. Then, I got up and walked around my desk. In addition to keeping important files in the locked bottom drawer on the right, I also kept a bit of booze, just in case. Grabbing a glass as well, I poured myself a finger or two.
“When I got out, I was still pretty broken. Okay, I’d turned a corner, but there didn’t seem to be much round it. I didn’t have much to my name; knowing how to shoot and make homemade PE4 devices aren’t really marketable skills either. So I ended up working as a driver for a local shop; doing deliveries and such, and living in the flat above the store. A little while later, I met Margaret, and we fell in love. Seeing as how a driver’s salary wouldn’t get us far, I went back to school. I got my law degree and started working for a firm, I went straight. Eventually, me and few other friends were able to go into business ourselves.
“Not long after we started the business up in 1995, Margaret told me she was pregnant. I’d mellowed out since I’d met her, but I was still the same man; in fact, at that point I felt pretty depressed. It wasn’t until I met my son for the first time that I realised it.” I took a quick swig of whatever it was that had been sitting in my desk drawer. I looked the unicorn in the eye.
“Shining, the moment the midwife hands you your baby, you’ll go through a range of emotions, everything from joy to despair. I’ve seen grown men cry from it. Me, I suddenly found myself with a new priority in life. From that moment on, all that mattered in my life was my child. Not God, not country, not politics, and not my own demons. All that mattered was protecting that tiny life.
“Until then, I’d thought my time in the volunteers had been a waste. I’d spent over ten years as nothing but a politically sanctioned thug. I robbed people, smuggled and used guns on a regular basis, I even got so good at making letter bombs the rozzers still have my designs on file. For a long time, I thought that was all I was good for. But when my son was born, I found a way to put it to use.
“A father’s job, amongst other things, is to raise his children right. Teach them right from wrong. He does that by example. Just like a soldier, you lead by example. You raise a kid, teaching them to hate, and that’s how they’ll turn out. But, if you raise them well, you’ll have done your job. I mean, who knows, maybe me staying my hand convinced Billy not to follow in his father’s footsteps. Or, look and Bones and Lizzie; both great ponies who work hard and live right, and who knows, maybe they’ll do just the same with their own kids someday.
“So yes, Shining. You can be a soldier and a father. And you’ll be a good one both.”
The two of us sat there a little while longer, Shining presumably still processing my story, and me still nursing a stiff drink. Eventually though, the young captain spoke up.
“I really appreciate you telling me all,” he said. “It…it helps.”
“Good,” I replied calmly. “So what are you going to do now then?” Shining perked up a little at that.
“Cadence and I were going to head down to Ponyville in a day or so to tell Twilight and have a little party. You’re welcome to join in if you like.” I smiled but shook my head.
“Not my place, Shining. Besides, I’d never be able to keep quiet about it if I was with Twilight all day.”
“Fair enough,” he replied, getting to his hooves. Before Shining left though, he hesitated a little.
“Roger…if you…if you ever want to talk about that stuff…come find me. Okay?” I nodded.
“Sure.”
With that Shining left, leaving me to myself for a little while. I’d told Riverbill that I’d run with the Volunteers, but I hadn’t told him that story. I hadn’t told anypony. It felt both good and bad all at once. One the one hand good, because it finally let me close that chapter of my life, but bad for the same reason.
In any case, either the booze or the sudden emotion disagreed with the other, and I quickly found myself in one of the toilets puking my guts out. After that though, I sort of settled down. I had a little cry and just sat there thinking for a good long time. Still, I think it helped Shining in the long run. Every now and then he still comes to see me, looking for a bit of help. It wouldn’t surprise me if Cadence was doing the same.
It was almost time to pack up and head home when I pulled myself together. Leaning back in my chair, I tried to clear my head.
The next morning, I woke up a little groggy. I’d gotten back at my normal time, but I was shattered even before I had dinner. Call it mental exhaustion or whatever you like. The moment my head hit the pillow I was out like a light. Despite that though, and in spite of getting my required eight hours of sleep, I still wasn’t that well rested when I awoke the next morning.
Still, I needed to get up. I had to catch the milk train in an hour or so. Pulling myself out of bed, I shuffled downstairs in my dressing gown and slippers. I’d have a decent breakfast and then get dressed, grab my things, and start walking to the train station. After saying goodbye to my still sleeping wife, of course.
The first few rays on sunshine were pouring through the kitchen window when I got downstairs. It’s usually quite pretty in the morning, and quiet too since I was alone.
Or at least, usually I’m alone.
On this particular Friday morning though, I had a guest. Sitting in one of the chairs at the table, with his mismatched feet propped up on its surface, and apparently having helped himself to a jar of jam, was Discord.
A little off to the side was Charlie. He’d got out of his basket and was standing his ground against Discord, growling angrily at him and bearing his teeth. The Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony however, wasn’t particularly concerned and seemed entirely oblivious to the angry canine.
“What the hell are you doing here?” I exclaimed as I walked in, pulling my dressing gown close out of instinct. “And don’t eat the jam from the jar!” I quickly walked over and took the tea spoon and jam jar off him. The draconequus seemed unphased.
“What? Can’t friends just drop by to say hello?” he asked with his usual slightly unhinged tone of voice.
“Not at six in the morning, Discord.” I replied. I patted Charlie on the head and got him to stop growling. Evidently satisfied that I was aware of the intruder, the changeling turned dog contentedly went back to his basket and curled up to go to sleep.
“What do you want anyway?” At this, Discord shifted a little, having the common courtesy to take his feet off my breakfast table.
“How come I didn’t get to hear the story of how my best friend is a terrorist?” My eyes went wide at that and I froze in place for a moment.
“Jesus, old man! You want to say that any louder?” Discord merely grinned.
“Sure.” Snapping his talons, he produced a bullhorn. “I SAID!” I cupped my ears at the loud noise.
“Christ, shut it will you?!” I shouted back. Luckily, he did. And, by equal amounts of luck, it seemed that we hadn’t inadvertently woken Margaret. I took a moment to calm myself before I spoke again. Grabbing the back of the opposite chair, I sat down.
“You know, in some cultures, this gross invasion of another person’s privacy would be considered almost…rude,” I said sarcastically.
“Not this one though, right?” Discord countered, gesturing to the ground with a talon.
“Why do you even want to know about that? More importantly how do you know? I told Shining to keep in secret.” Discord grinned.
“Yeah, about that. If you’re going to hold ‘legally privileged’ conversations in that office, you might want to invest in a fly swatter or some bug spray. You didn’t notice me for three hours.”
Snapping his talons, Discord seemed to disappear. However, I quickly spotted him, buzzing around my kitchen in the form of a fly. I put my head in my hands and slammed it down on the table.
“You’ve been spying on me?” I asked, sounding a little muffled. I heard Discord’s magic kick in as he presumably returned to his usual form. He lifted my head back up and looked me in the eye, a cocky grin on his face.
“Oh, spying is such an ugly word, dear boy. I prefer to call it checking in on you,” he replied. I frowned.
“Well, whatever you call, you really shouldn’t, Discord. How would you like it if I was snooping around in your personal life?”
“As I recall you did. The whole talking me out of slowly torturing Tirek thing, ring any bells?” he replied, a little testily.
“I didn’t spy on you to do it. In fact, as I recall, you brought that up. I sure as hell didn’t follow you without your knowledge to learn your secrets. I did this thing that ponies do called ‘talking’. You should try it sometime!” Discord was unphased by my ranting.
“I was just worried about you,” he replied sulkily, folding his arms and pouting like a child. I sighed to myself.
This is the problem with Discord. He has no understanding of social graces. Or if he does he doesn’t bother to follow them. His spying on me was actually him being concerned about me. The more he knew about me, the more he could understand me and, by his logic, be a closer friend. There was no real malice behind his actions; it was just the way he acted. Despite his age being in the four figure ballpark, he still has a lot to learn on the whole friendship front.
The problem at hand though, was that as a result, a lot of his behaviours could appear malicious when they were actually benign. Okay, don’t get me wrong, at times, he is just a plain old jerk and acts a bit like his old self to prove a point. But in many instances, such as the Grand Galloping Gala, he acts the way he does, simply because it makes the most sense to him.
I realised that I was perhaps therefore, being a little hard on him. Don’t get me wrong, I was still mad at him for essentially stalking me, but his intentions were honest, like a child listening in on a conversation between his parents. I sound like I’m defending a badly behaved kid don’t I? In a way, that is what Discord is, at times at least. Sometimes the draconequus can be as wise as Celestia herself.
A little while later, the two of us came to something of an understanding, and I did repeat a watered down version of what I had told Shining; just the facts, not what had happened at Doyle’s place. It sated his curiosity in any case. And not long after that little talk, he took his leave, vanishing and leaving behind a literal pile of autumn leaves.
Very funny, you daft bugger.
Discord’s surprise visit threw off my normal morning routine. I was certainly glad that it was a Friday today. I needed this weekend to recuperate. After quickly calling upstairs to my wife to say goodbye, I headed out the door. I had enough time to cross town to get to the train station to catch my early train up the mountain. Charlie quickly got up and followed me out the door. This is something of a routine for him. He follows me to the station after I feed him, and then he watches me go, and then returns home. Today, the little fellow had to quietly feed on the go.
As I made my way through town with the dog following behind, I came across Twilight and Spike, both heavily weighted down with books. Twilight was carrying the better part of a ton or so in her pink magic. Spike meanwhile was pulling a cart of books behind him. The baby dragon was probably coming close to moving his own bodyweight in books. Charlie yapped excitedly at seeing his two friends and quickly bounded over to Spike, almost knocking him over before I called him off.
“What’s all this, you two?” I asked as I walked up, grabbing Charlie’s collar to pull him off. “Taking the catalogue for a walk or something?” Sorry, Dad jokes, comes with the territory. I should have warned Shining about those. Luckily, while Spike groaned at my deeply unfunny remark, Twilight was unphased.
“Oh, I’m so excited,” she exclaimed, almost bouncing on her hooves. “Spike and I are going to be spending the whole weekend reorganising the castle’s library. These just arrived at the post office from Canterlot.” Her unsettlingly wide grin and manic expression told me all I needed to know. Twilight was having one of her episodes. Best bet is to back away slowly, make no sudden moves, and not make eye contact. I cast a pitying expression at Spike; the things that poor drake has to go through.
Leaving the egghead and her caretaker to go on their merry way, I made for the train station, with Charlie trotting alongside. Most of Ponyville was just beginning to wake up. There were a few ponies milling about the market, setting up stalls and so on. I spotted Big Macintosh at the Apple’s stand and waved to him. I haven’t been able to look at him the same way since that whole Sisterhooves Social fiasco, but he’s still an okay guy in my book.
As I continued on, I picked out a couple more familiar faces up in the sky. We were due for some rain next week, so the pegasi of Ponyville’s Weather Patrol were starting to bring the storm together. I always find it fascinating, watching the ponies physically create clouds, putting them together like Legos. I quickly picked out the prismatic mane of Rainbow Dash shooting around the sky, but I also picked out another. It was a pegasus mare with a dark blue coat and a flowing brown mane, with a cutie mark of a winged music note.
“Lizzie! Dash!” I called out, catching the pair’s attention. Talking to Rainbow for a minute, Lizzie floated down to talk to me.
“Hi, Dad,” she greeted, hovering just a little above me. “What’s up?”
“Just about to head off to work,” I replied. “I’m taking Charlie for a quick walk too. Hey, have you seen Twilight this morning?” Lizzie giggled a bit behind a hoof.
“Yeah, she’s been acting crazy…well, crazier. Dash and I spotted her about an hour ago. She okay?” I nodded.
“Something about reorganising the library in her new castle. You know what she’s like when it comes to books.” At this point, Dash called down from her work.
“The princesses should have made that egghead the Princess of Books if you ask me,” she yelled from her position atop a medium sized cloud. She then turned to Lizzie. “C’mon, kid, we’ve gotta get this built up into a rain storm before lunch. Mayor Mare is gonna have my head if we ruin her weekend again.”
“Okay, Dash,” Lizzie called back. “Sorry, Dad, gotta go. See you when you get back though.” She slowly began to climb back into the sky.
“Okay, I’ll see you this evening,” I said. “Bye, Rainbow Dash!” Charlie yapped a farewell too.
Leaving the two pegasi to their work, I continued my journey toward the station. Normally, I had the train pretty much to myself. Canterlot, despite being fairly close to Ponyville, was not a place most normally visited. Ponyville was a small town, but it had everything you needed. It wasn’t like back on Earth, when I’d go with my wife travel down to Shrewsbury for some retail therapy. Canterlot was a place of government and rich buggers. Unless you had business with one of them, there wasn’t too much of a reason to visit.
The station was almost completely empty at this time of the morning. Heading the ticket office, I showed my pass (since I’m employed by the crown, Celestia pays for my ticket to and from work) and got myself the usual day return up to Canterlot. Heading out onto the platform, I sat myself down on one of the benches. Charlie hopped up and lay down next to me, whimpering a little.
“What’s the matter, Charlie?” I asked him. Unlike an actual dog, Charlie understands everything I say, he just can’t talk back. He opened his mouth and then gestured to his stomach. Ah, I hadn’t fed him yet.
In my rush to get here on time, I’d forgotten to let the poor changeling have his breakfast. He doesn’t take that much from me; just enough to keep him going for the day. I’ve been happily married for over twenty years, so I have love to spare anyway.
Looking around, I checked to make sure there was nopony else about. While Charlie is completely harmless and perfectly friendly, I doubt ponies would be that accepting of him, at least right now. Like Strong Shield, his true nature is kept secret from everypony but a select few. To most, he’s just my faithful pet dog. Since it was all quiet, I decided that it would be fine to risk it. The poor lad needed his breakfast after all.
“Alright, boy. Go on then,” I said, Charlie smiled, lolled out his tongue and wagged his tail. He’s really gotten good at imitating dogs, even Winona, the Apple’s collie hasn’t got wise to him.
Opening his mouth, Charlie drew out the unusual green mist from me. That is apparently what condensed emotion looks like, or whatever it is he’s eating. The changeling inhaled the vapour for a few moments, and I felt myself grow a little light headed. However, as he’s just one drone, Charlie doesn’t eat much, and almost as soon as it had started, he was done.
It seemed to have a visible effect on him too, his coat looked to be in better condition, his eyes seemed to sparkle more, and he seemed to be more energised and excitable. I fished a tennis ball out of my bag for him to play with. He happily bounded up and down the platform, though he was smart enough to stay off the tracks, bringing it back no matter how many times I threw it.
Eventually though, the small electric bell on the platform rang out, signalling the approaching train. I got to my feet and called Charlie back to me.
“Alright, chap. Get on back home now. I’ll see you when I get back, alright?” Charlie yapped once and then set off. It really is like having my own version of Lassie at times. I certainly trusted him to get home on his own.
I quickly picked up the sound of the approaching train reverberating through the tracks. A minute or so later the gaudy train pulled in. I still can’t believe you can fit so many hearts and so much pink paint onto a railway locomotive. Nopony got off; anypony who was on board would be heading for Canterlot and certainly wouldn’t be inclined to get off in a two bit town like Ponyville.
Climbing into one of the carriages, I greeted the guard and showed him my ticket, along with my rail pass. With that done, I headed for a seat and settled down for the comparatively short journey. After a minute waiting for any stragglers, the guard gave the driver the right away and we were off.
My main job today was head back down into Tartarus. With Starlight’s recent escapades, Celestia wanted to see if I could coax anymore information out of Sombra. I highly doubted it, and told Celestia as much, but she insisted that I try, even if it meant letting Sombra know that we were getting desperate. As soon as Day Court was opened, Celestia came with me to my office and opened up the portal for me.
Heading down along the all too familiar path, I soon found myself approaching Sombra’s cell. The room was the same study I had become accustomed to, as opposed to the throne room which he sometimes created for himself in an effort to relive the glory days of his reign. He was, as always, waiting for me when I entered, having either heard my approaching footsteps, or possibly picked me out with what little remains of his magic.
“Back again already, my friend?” he enquired as I walked in. “Finally growing tired of Discord’s company perhaps, or have you come to seek yet more of my wisdom?” I bit my tongue to stop myself rising to the bait. I took the nearby seat before I spoke to him.
“Starlight Glimmer broke into the archives,” I stated. “We think she’s taken Starswirl’s time travel spell.” Sombra smiled a little to himself and went off to examine of few volumes in his collection.
“Ah yes, dear old Starswirl. A more cowardly and closed minded stallion the world never knew.” Sombra chuckled to himself. “Still, every now and again the old fool could come up with something interesting. Time travel you say?”
“According to the princess, the physical copy of the spell can be charged…” Sombra cut in.
“With a unicorn’s own magic to activate the spell without the higher level skills.” He smiled at me. “Yes, my friend, I studied magic as well. Although I wasn’t allowed to pass on the fruits of my labour.”
“With good reason,” I countered.
“Yes, yes, yes,” Sombra replied, waving a hoof dismissively. “We must protect all the stupid ponies from any kind of knowledge that might encourage them to rise up against their benevolent dictators.” The psychopath seemed to be in an unusually good mood today for some reason, or he was giving me an easy opening.
“That’s a bit hypocritical isn’t it? Coming from a tyrannical dictator such as yourself.”
“There’s not that much difference really, is there? Not even between your own friends and Starlight. They both wish to make the world a better place, do they not?” Like an idiot, I took the lure.
“You know what she’s planning?” Sombra smirked a little.
“Given your little update, I have an idea. Just remember what I told you about her motivations, and I think you’ll do fine. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I was about to have dinner, such as it is.”
I took that as my cue to leave. Getting up from my seat, I grabbed my briefcase and headed for the exit. However, just before I was out of sight, Sombra called me back.
“Say, Roger. Do you play chess that much?” he asked, sounding genuinely curious.
“Once in a while I suppose,” I replied. “I was never that good at it though.” Sombra’s gaze now became colder, and the familiar aura of darkness once again surrounded him.
“Then let me leave you with a little hint. The queen is the most powerful piece on the board. But even she may be used as a sacrifice.” With that, he took to his shadow form, and headed back towards his throne.
The rest of the day, and the ensuing weekend passed by pretty much uneventfully. The only unusual thing that happened back in Ponyville was that Discord stopped by. He does that every now and again. I know for a fact that he regularly takes time to visit Fluttershy. He also occasionally stops by to bother one or both of my children, mainly Bones, since he can be quite easy to rile up.
However, on this occasion, he chose to ‘crash’ at my place. He has his own personal pocket dimension, which Celestia even lets him keep as a tax haven. It has pretty much everything a physical embodiment of chaos might want or need. And yet, I came home on the Friday, to find him lounging on my sofa.
I suppose this is his way of showing friendship, in his usual twisted way. Discord may be my best friend, but dear God is he annoying when you’re stuck under the same roof as him. Still, I tolerate him; it’s much harder to get him to leave than to put up with him. Plus, if I did try to kick him out, it would just make him dig his heels in more. And I’ve at least managed to get him to clean up after himself. Or at least, my wife has.
He split his time over the weekend between sitting on my sofa watching films, and visiting Twilight’s friends. He went out and spent most of Saturday at Sweet Apple Acres. By the sounds of things, all of Twilight’s friends got together there spontaneously. And judging by their suddenly improved relationships, they’d all gotten on well with Discord. Perhaps he really was turning a corner, or he’d just used his magic to mess with their heads, either was a decent possibility, though since none of them had become monochrome, I doubted the latter.
The only pony I didn’t see all weekend was Twilight, along with Spike. True to her word, she’d holed herself up in her library and spent the entire weekend re-shelving and reorganising the place. Bones actually got a little concerned, worried that she might be slipping back into some old bad habits of putting books before ponies. Still, come Monday, she emerged at last, none the worse for wear and stepped back out into the sunlight.
That was when things first started to go off the rails. Naturally, Twilight had missed out on a fair bit, being absent for most of the weekend. I think she felt a bit left out, or felt out of the loop. It was a perfectly understandable reaction, but not one that she felt was becoming of the Princess of Friendship.
She tried to simply catch up with her friends, but sometimes it is a case of ‘you had to be there’. And I think the incident with that snake, as humorous as it was, qualified as such. So, she started to have one of her funny turns; princess or not, she is still Twilight Sparkle.
I happened to be passing by the café where Twilight and the others, along with Discord, had met up. I wasn’t eavesdropping, I just happened to overhear the conversation. Twilight was trying, like a good little scientist, to recreate the previous weekend in an effort to overcome her feelings of being left out. Now, I would have expected Discord to merely find such antics amusing. Instead though, he seemed to be slipping back into old habits.
I know before I said that Discord is chaotic, not evil. But the way he was acting toward Twilight was downright vindictive. In a cruel reversal of her recreation, he pointed out that the one different variable was Twilight’s own presence. That got the poor mare to up and leave. I’d never seen her look so down.
Well, in addition to being Discord’s best friend, I guess at times I have to play his conscience. As the ponies all departed, I called out to him.
“Discord!” My serpentine friend turned around and quickly spotted me. Smiling he began to walk over to me.
“Well, hello there, my friend,” he replied. “And how are you this…” I abruptly cut him off and started to give him a proper telling off.
“You want to tell me what the hell that was all about?” I asked sternly, gesturing toward the group of departing ponies, and the solitary mare heading back to her castle. “Seriously, Discord, that’s not on.”
Discord turned and looked over to the still crestfallen Twilight. He may be crazy, but Discord is able to feel remorse. Not today though, as it turned out.
“Oh don’t worry, she’ll be fine,” he replied, waving a paw.
“Discord, you do know what you just did, right? You verbally eviscerated the poor girl. What was that for anyway?” Now, Discord folded his arms.
“Oh, don’t be such drama queen,” he said dismissively. “I was just trying to stop her from being so clingy. You know she was actually trying to recreate the whole of the weekend. The poor filly goes from so self-absorbed that she has no friends to desperately needed to be with them twenty four seven. It’s ridiculous.”
“And your solution to this was to continue to isolate her from her friends?” Discord may no longer be looking to take over Equestria, but he still loves his little social experiments it seems. “What, are you going to see how long until she snaps?”
“If by ‘snap’ you mean, until she learns her lesson, yes.” I clenched my fists, my anger starting to boil. I can normally tolerate Discord’s antics, but this was going over the line.
“Discord!” I snapped irritably. “In the time I’ve known you, you’ve been an ass, an idiot, and a manipulative sonofabitch. But you’ve also been my friend, and I’ve never known you to be cruel. So tell me, what the hell is this?”
The draconequus seemed to go into deep thought for a moment, weighing his options. Like Celestia, he can think twenty moves ahead when the mood takes him. Eventually, he seemed to reach a decision and his demeanour softened. Snapping his fingers, an odd translucent bubble surrounded us. The world suddenly became quiet. I guess it was some sort of sound proof bubble. Evidently he wanted this conversation to be just between us.
“You asked me to help find that Starlight pony,” he said.
“Yes,” I replied, nodding. “What about her?”
“Well, I have a good idea of what she’s planning. And it involves that little purple book smart.”
“And you were going to tell Celestia, right?” I enquired. Discord frowned.
“I was, until I was told to stop.” That threw me. Discord barely listens to Celestia or me, with only Fluttershy really having much influence over him. Who on earth could stop him in his tracks like that.
“Who told you to do that?” I asked, now genuinely curious. Suddenly, Discord was unable to meet my gaze.
“The Tree of Harmony,” he replied. I’m fairly certain that raised an eyebrow. I had often wondered whether or not Discord was sane.
“A tree…told you to psychologically torture a pony?” Discord sighed, pinching the bridge of his snout.
“No. She just needs to learn this lesson, for her showdown with Starlight.”
“What? What lesson?” I half shouted, now getting quite alarmed.
“I’m putting her in that crazy mare’s horseshoes. She feels like she’s losing her friends right now. Don’t worry, she’s not going to. But she needs to know what it feels like if she’s going to help Starlight.”
“And that helps how?” I asked. “We don’t even know what she’s planning. We can’t predict what she might or might not do. We don’t even know her motivations. How can you doing this possibly help?” snapping his fingers a moment, Discord summoned himself a chair and sat down.
“Tell me, Roger. Do you know much about temporal mechanics?” I shook my head.
“No, aside from a bit gleamed from the odd Star Trek episode.”
“Well, let me give you a little bit of background. Time is fixed. Events in the future have happened, will happen, are going to happen, and are happening right now. With work you can alter the past, but it takes a lot of work to have even a slight effect on the future. And even then, there’s the whole problem with paradoxes.
“The Tree knows what is going to happen, because it has already seen it happen. Due to this, and its own interference, a lot of events require its input. Sitting back and doing nothing can affect the past just as much as actions can. In short, everypony has to stick to their scripts. And right now, my part is to do this little act of unkindness, and get my just desserts, in order to prepare Twilight.”
Well, that was…a lot to take in. Issues of free will aside, it sure hurt my head to just think about it. It did make sense though. At least, as much as Discord can ever make sense. I think even by his standards this was a bit taxing. Still, it explained his odd behaviour.
“So, what happens now?” I asked. Discord shrugged.
“I don’t know that, dear boy. I may know we’re following a natural progression of events, but I don’t have a list here in front of me.” I shook my head in disbelief.
“Look, just don’t be any more unkind to Twilight than you have to be,” I implored. At that moment, I saw the lavender alicorn herself marching over. “That’s it, old man. I’m out of here.”
With that, I left him to continue in the name of preserving the universe as we know it.
I saw Discord a little later that day, as he left Twilight’s castle. Unsurprisingly, his little stunt had driven Twilight almost around the bend. She’d come to the, somewhat logical conclusion, that her friends were being manipulated somehow by Discord’s chaos magic. She’d then gone charging off into the Everfree Forest to see Zecora. The zebra has been working on a few potions here and there that could benefit us all in the near future. In addition to perfecting an anti-hypnotic, which she gave to Twilight, she’s also part way developed a salve which can disrupt changeling disguises.
Anyway, Twilight had her friends drink Zecora’s non-Royal Medical Society of Equestria approved potion, and it seemed to have no effect.
Luckily, that was when Twilight began to come to her senses. The group, minus Discord, began to laugh and joke about what had happened. In hindsight, Twilight’s near meltdown was quite funny. This had the effect of both putting my best friend in his place, and also, as he predicted, helping Twilight learn a valuable lesson about friendship.
I was waiting for Discord when he came out.
“You,” I said, pointing a finger at him. “Had that coming.” Discord rolled his eyes.
“True,” he replied. “I must say, it takes a lot of effort to be that evil. Even in my glory days I don’t think I was ever quite that…vindictive. Mean perhaps, cruel, twisted, and of course, deeply artistic and talented.” I cut him off before he could really get started.
“Alright, I think you’ve stroked your own ego enough. Is that the end of it? Are you done being an ass?” I paused to reflect on that question before adding. “To Twilight?” Discord stretched and yawned a little.
“Yes, that’s it. I’m done. For now anyway.” With that, he disappeared, hopefully to somewhere other than my couch.
I, meanwhile, headed into Twilight’s castle. The girls had all gone a little further in than the throne room, probably the great hall. This left me alone with the map; the strange contraption that seemed to monitor Equestria like a hawk. It seemed intelligent in some capacity; it made its own decisions and acted accordingly. Did that make it a sort of magic AI, or a construct, like the Tantabus? I lay my hand on the map table.
I was standing in my office, facing away from the door, and looking out of the window, to the city far below. My hands were clasped behind me, and I was doing all I could to appear intimidating, with good reason too.
The long search for Starlight was at an end. Believe it or not she was turning herself in. Twilight had come with her and had told me what happened. Apparently, Starlight, after being forced out of her Equality village, had turned all of her displeasure against Twilight Sparkle. She blamed her for everything that had happened, not even acknowledging the trauma she put the ponies of that town through.
I had known she had been planning something drastic since I encountered her in Luna’s dream. Stealing a highly secret and forbidden spell did not bode well. It transpired that Starlight had broken into Twilight’s castle in Ponyville, after secretly sitting in on a lecture she gave in Canterlot on the subject of friendship.
Using the map as what my son referred to as a ‘focal point’ she used the time travel spell she had stolen to go to Cloudsdale, the home of Rainbow Dash, when she was just a filly. The six mares who would come to wield the Elements of Harmony met due to a singular event; namely Rainbow Dash inadvertently performing a sonic rainboom while in a race. It was seen by the other five, allowed them to gain their cutie marks, and set in motion a chain of events that would ultimately unite them in Ponyville on the eve of the Summer Sun Celebration.
Travelling back, and dragging Twilight and Spike with her, she stopped Rainbow Dash from performing her stunt, thus altering the past. The spell she was using, one of Starswirl’s, slightly modified, compensated for the ensuing paradox and forced the alteration to the timeline.
This led to near disaster, spawning several alternate timelines in which some of Equestria’s most dangerous foes emerged victorious. Despite Twilight’s attempts to warn her, Starlight refused to listen and battled with her every time she attempted to repair the damage Starlight had caused.
Ultimately though, their conflict ended in a draw, with neither pony being able to soundly defeat the other. It was this that got a reluctant Starlight to show why she did what she did.
Her reason for altering the timeline was to ensure Twilight never met her friends. Just that. She didn’t intend to create the hostile alternate realities, which she was ignorant of. And her reason for doing this you ask? Because Twilight and Co. destroyed her Equality cult.
She then took Twilight back to her own childhood and explained her reason for despising cutie marks. It was rather…pathetic honestly. A friend of hers gained his cutie mark in magic, and consequently left for Canterlot to study at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. Starlight evidently had some abandonment issues, for this one incident made her bitter and resentful, despite her gaining her own mark not long after. It was this alone that gave rise to her Equality philosophy and resulted in her every action since.
It completely stumped me. Nightmare Moon acted due to jealousy toward Celestia and sought power for herself. Discord wished to cause chaos across the world, because that is his role as the embodiment of chaos. Chrysalis wanted to use ponies to feed her species, and elected to take things by force. Sombra sought to reign over the Crystal Empire due to his own mad lust for power and greed brought on by corrupting dark magic. And Tirek viewed ponies as beneath him, and merely a source for him to achieve world domination. All of these villains, tyrants, and despots had grand ambitions.
Starlight though…she sought to undo Equestria itself, in order to get back at Twilight, due to a friend once leaving her. I think I ought to retract my earlier judgment of her; Starlight is quite clearly insane. Or at least she was. Somehow, some way, Twilight had been able to talk her down and offered to teach her the ways of friendship.
I’ll be honest, that annoyed me. She forgave her, overrode my arrest warrant, and dismissed my case summarily. Then, she effectively rewarded this madmare by making her a student. She had kept ponies, without their marks, their souls, for years. It bordered on psychological torture. She had attacked a princess in her own home. For God’s sake, she had almost destroyed Equestria in her quest for vengeance. She needed to be punished!
Luckily, after much arguing, haranguing, and bartering with both Twilight and Celestia, I had managed to reach a compromise. I would be allowed to speak with Starlight for half an hour; taking the opportunity to explain a few things to her.
This brings me back to the present; with me standing looking out over Canterlot. I heard a knock at the door. I prepared myself, psyching up for the occasion, and hardened my tone.
“Enter!” I barked out in gruff voice.
The latch lifted and Buttercup entered. He stood stiffly at attention and reported, his armour clanking slightly as he moved.
“Sir, I’ve brought Starlight Glimmer to see you.” I didn’t turn around to face him and kept my voice hard.
“Very well, Buttercup. You can wait outside.” My tone left no doubt that this was an order to be followed.
“Respectfully, sir, I shall have to lock you in,” he replied, shakily.
“Then do it!” I snapped back. Buttercup quickly backed off
I heard him order Starlight in and then heard him close the door behind him, locking it. That left just me and Starlight.
I caught her image in the reflection from the window. She was a fairly normal looking unicorn mare, and matched the image I grown used to seeing in photographs. She looked quite scared, remaining right by the door and looking around warily. Still not turning to face her, I gestured to the chair opposite my desk.
“Sit,” I ordered sternly. Starlight, however, didn’t move.
“We can do this the hard way if you prefer,” I continued. Snapping my fingers, two menacing thestrals, on loan from Princess Luna’s guard, emerged from the shadows and flanked Starlight on either side.
The mare slowly moved to take a seat on the chair. She curled her tail around herself, perhaps in a comforting mechanism. The thestrals meanwhile, retreated to the shadows again, and stood at their parade rest. I paused for a moment, letting her own fear build up a little, and then began.
“Do you know why you are here, Starlight Glimmer?” I asked, looking out at the view.
“Princess Twilight…said you wanted to speak to me…about what I did,” the mare replied shakily. I allowed myself a smile, but still didn’t face her.
“In a way,” I replied. “I’m going to tell you what could happen next. Tell me, Starlight; do you understand how much trouble you are in?” I looked in the window’s reflection again. Starlight was looking down at her hooves and didn’t reply. I walked over to my wall lining bookcase and retrieved a few texts, flicking through the pages as I spoke.
“Well, let’s start with the biggie, shall we?” I continued. “Assaulting a royal, namely, Princess Twilight Sparkle. In days gone by, that alone would be enough for me to have a noose wrapped around your neck.” I heard Starlight gasp. “However, today, it is merely a sentence of twenty years.
“Then there is the matter of your time travelling. Under the Restriction Against Dangerous Magic Act, time travel is forbidden outside of research and theoretical study. That is another thirty years.
“After that, your little stunt breaking into the Canterlot Archives and stealing a rare and possibly priceless ancient scroll, now destroyed. I’d say that’s at least another five years.” Starlight now looked visibly worried.
“And that doesn’t even begin to cover your earlier actions. Theft of cutie marks, wrongful imprisonment, assault. That pushes your sentence over the one hundred mark, my dear. Now normally, this would mean banishment from Equestria, for life. However, given your abilities with magic, and the continued risk you pose to the safety of Equestria, I would not recommend such an action to her majesty. Instead, I would suggest life imprisonment, here in Canterlot.”
“What?!” Starlight exclaimed. “But…”
“You’re lucky you’re not in Tartarus right now!” I snapped back angrily, compelling her to silence. I walked back to the window, my hands clasped behind my back, and continued.
“You almost destroyed Equestria. In fact, you did. You still have in other realities. You have caused untold misery to millions of ponies, griffons, dragons, minotaurs, diamond dogs, and changelings.” At this, Starlight cut me off.
“But Twilight undid all of that. She repaired the timeline so she and her friends would meet and stop all those evil ponies.” I smiled. Time for a demonstration.
Before this talk, I had met with Time Turner and asked him a few questions about time travel and the risks involved. He told me quite a few interesting things that can happen when you prevent a paradox from manifesting properly. He was even kind enough to lend me his ship’s owner’s manual, which has quite a few sections on the intricacies of fifth dimensional flight.
“Starlight,” I said. “Try and remember, think carefully. What did you do today?” The mare seemed stumped by my question.
“Well, I got into a fight with Twilight. I…” All of a sudden, she trailed off. Putting a hoof to her forehead, she groaned in pain. “I was fighting the Crystal soldiers. Ooh. We were hiding from the changelings; they were going to find us. Argh. We were all so cold, why was there no sun anymore? I…I…I…Oh, dear Celestia!” I decided that was enough.
“Starlight,” I called out, this time a little more softly. She looked up at the window; her muzzle was now covered in light red blood. I turned to face her for the first time and offered her a handkerchief. “You’re bleeding.”
The mare quickly placed it to her snout and cast a spell to stem the bleeding from her nose. She then looked at me, seeming deeply frightened.
“What the hay was that?” she demanded. “What did you do to me?” I shook my head.
“I did nothing; that was all you.” She tilted her head curiously. “You remembered. The other timelines; you remembered existing in them. You remembered being a soldier, a slave, even being dead. The mind cannot cope with the paradox. Dwell on it too long and it will eventually drive you mad.” I took a seat at my desk again, resting my clasped hands on its surface.
“I think by now you understand my concern. Whether or not your actions were ultimately ‘undone’, they still pose a risk. You still pose a risk. I don’t trust you, Starlight Glimmer, and I probably never will. However, higher powers have compelled me to release you. So, I will give you one final warning.” Reaching into my desk drawer, I brought out a small stack of papers. Some of them had a CPS seal, one had a Royal Guard one, and another had the emblem of Ponyville hospital.
“What is all that stuff?” Starlight asked curiously. I looked up from arranging the papers.
“Insurance,” I replied. “Here’s what’s going to happen Starlight. In a minute, you are, much to my annoyance, going to walk out of that door a free mare. Twilight believes that you have changed, I do not. Thus, I intend to keep a close eye on you for the foreseeable future.
“At the first hint of you stepping out of line, I will submit these.” I turned the papers around and passed them to her. “The first is a fresh arrest warrant to bring you in post haste. The other document is a hospital order. Given your actions earlier today, I doubt I would have any trouble finding a doctor to declare you mentally unfit. Step out of line, screw up just once, and I will have you thrown in the looney bin for the rest of your days.”
Starlight was understandably taken aback at my threat. However, crazies usually tend to be more scared of the psyche ward than they are of prison. It would mean exposing Twilight somewhat, and there would undoubtedly be questions, but it would work. Given my past experience, reformation was something of a hit and miss, and I had no desire to see Starlight standing next to Equestria’s next foe a year or so down the line. Eventually, the mare spoke up.
“I understand, sir,” she muttered, looking over the documents with some concern. I leaned back in my chair, assured that my warning would be heeded.
“Good,” I replied. “You can go now then.” Starlight got up and headed for the door.
“Starlight,” I called out, causing her to stop and turn to me. “I will be watching you.” I then called out to Buttercup on the other side of the door to unlock it and let her out. Once she was gone, I dismissed the two thestral guards as well.
The whole thing had gone as well as I had hoped. Starlight was definitely scared of me and that ought to keep her in line. Plus, it brought home to her just how lucky she had been when it came to deciding her fate. Punishment on its own is all well and good, but to know that the Sword of Damocles is dangling just above her head…I think, it will make her a model student for Twilight.
On the other hand, who knows? I have been wrong before. It may be that Starlight is truly reformed, or at least on the path. By the same token, I may soon be compelled to release Trixie on good behaviour. While she still possesses something of a deep loathing toward Twilight Sparkle, she doesn’t seem to be a threat to society at large. I even heard she’s planning a sort of ‘apology tour’ all around Equestria.
But, if you ask me, people don’t really change. Nor do people forget, nothing can ever be entirely forgiven, certainly not creating an insane cult that goes directly against pony nature and forces ponies to remain there without their very souls. Perhaps it is just the nature of ponies to be more forgiving. Does that make them better than humans, or just naive?
I was startled from my deep, philosophical thoughts by a sudden flash of white directly in front of my desk. Discord appeared right in the seat Starlight had been sitting in moments ago. It was fortunate; I needed somepony to talk to.
“Hey, Discord,” I greeted, collecting the papers from my desk. “What brings you this way?” The draconequus leaned back in the chair he sat in, talons forming together into a steeple.
“I just saw Twilight’s most recent nemesis out in the hall. I thought I might collect my pay.” I barked out a short laugh.
“You know you have to find her before she turns herself in, you know that, right?” I replied. “Sorry, old man. Better luck next time on that front.”
“Why was she here anyway?” Discord went on. “I was under the impression that Twilight was taking her under her wing. A case of the blind leading the blind if I ever saw one. Or, crazy unicorn leading crazy unicorn, whichever you prefer.”
“I just brought her in to put a shot across her bow, just in case this is some feint or something. It was the only thing Celestia would let me do after Twilight let her off. This whole change of heart was very sudden.” The draconequus before me shrugged his shoulders.
“So was mine,” Discord replied. Snapping his talons, he produced a projector and a stopwatch. Whirring into life, the projector showed a brief film from the time he officially began to reform; the moment he realised that if he didn’t, he’d lose Fluttershy as a friend. The stopwatch merely timed it.
“I think you’ll find,” he said when the short film finished. “That I reformed in just under three minutes. Over a thousand years of chaos and disharmony down the drain in three minutes. By that ratio, Starlight took an age.”
“Yeah, and look what happened a few months later,” I replied. I quickly caught, and mentally kicked myself for the snap reaction. Discord took on an expression of genuine hurt. I know for a fact he is still ashamed of what happened, despite his efforts to put the whole matter of Tirek behind him. I cursed under my breath at my insensitiveness.
“Sorry, Discord. I didn’t mean that.” Discord shook his head.
“It’s alright,” he replied simply. “And you could be right, too. Starlight doesn’t have much more experience than I do when it comes to making friends. All it would take is the wrong pony to lead her astray. Still, if you want to use my case as an example, the reason she may go off the rails is if she feels that she’s being led like the proverbial pony to water. At some point, you’ll have to take a chance.” My eyebrows went up at that.
“Since when did you become all wise and learned?” I asked, smiling. Discord laughed a little.
“Well, dear boy, I am over a thousand years old. When you’ve been around as long as I have, you pick up a few things. Though I must admit, I stole that particular line from an old bearded idiot who used to hang around with Tia and little Woona.”
“So come on then,” I went on, gesturing toward him. “What should I do; she still needs to be punished. Do I watch her like a hawk, or sit back and let her loose for a while and then pop out when she least expects it?”
“Well,” Discord replied. “Given that she’s going to have pretty much everypony except Twilight against her, I’d say that’s punishment enough. She’s always going to have that black mark on her record. Everypony will know her as ‘that crazy equality mare’. I like to think that that is punishment enough. Twilight took her to that odd town before she brought her here anyway. They seemed to forgive her.” He then softened his tone a bit.
“I think it might help to start on the road to reformation, to have somepony in her corner. And it might help if that somepony was one of her severest detractors.” He made a fair point.
“Well, we aren’t going to find out sitting here talking. I’m just about to head off to the station anyway. Fancy riding the train back home with me?” Discord thought for a moment.
“Sure. Why not.”
Discord stayed the night. We got into town not long after Twilight had introduced Starlight to everypony. They seemed to react pretty well, by and large, but then Twilight at that point hadn’t told everypony about her time travelling escapades. Starlight seemed, embarrassed if anything, feeling out of place in the warm and friendly atmosphere of Ponyville. For the moment, she would be staying in Twilight’s castle along with Spike. I figured though tomorrow would be the day she gets a proper introduction.
As we walked towards my house, I was suddenly set upon by a pony. With no warning, an unsettlingly large pair of baby blue eyes filled my vision. I stopped dead where I was, well knowing who this was, and that any sudden movement might set her off.
“Pinkie,” I said calmly, keeping quite still. “Remember that little talk we had about personal space?” Equestria’s premier party planner nodded, but didn’t back off.
“Yah-huh,” she replied, nodding. “You were really shouty.” I did my upmost to remind myself that she meant well. “I was just wondering if you and Discord might want to come to Starlight Glimmer’s Welcome to Ponyville party tomorrow.” Off to the side, I heard Discord desperately whispering ‘nooooo’ and waving his talon and paw about in a similar gesture. Well, what are friends for?
“Sure, I suppose we could come, Pinkie,” I agreed. I heard Discord facepalming and groaning in annoyance. “I’d like to have a word with her anyway.”
Satisfied with our verbal RSVP, Pinkie withdrew and bounced off to ambush the next pony she came across. Discord meanwhile, gave me a punch on the arm.
Heading along the road, we soon found ourselves at my house. Fishing the keys out of my pocket, I let Discord in. The wife wasn’t best pleased about having him in again, but since I insisted that he was here by invitation, she relented and set a place for him.
Since it was a Friday and I didn’t have anything to do tomorrow, the two of us stayed up late. For once his magic proved quite useful, as he was kind enough to cast a sound proofing spell around the living room, so we didn’t disturb Margaret.
The two of us decided to just let our hair down. I grabbed a couple bottles of cider from the fridge and stuck Con Air (which thankfully came through the portal along with about a hundred other films) on the projector. I’d just been so busy these past couple months. Aside from Starlight, there’d been all sorts going on, with one thing following pretty much on the heels of the other. Hopefully now I’d have something of a break.
By the time the credits rolled around I was…nicely drunk, while Discord was just his usual self.
Actually, I’m not even certain it’s possible for Discord to get drunk.
More to the point, do you really want to be around a drunken demigod? No tar.
Anyway, eventually. Sometime around three, well after our little soiree had crossed over into ‘that bit from Apocalypse Now’ territory, we decided to turn in for the night. Discord took the sofa again, and I tiptoed upstairs and did my best to sneak into bed next to my wife.
Pinkie Pie had scheduled Starlight’s little shindig for just before lunch the next day. While Discord feigned gastro-intestinal distress and locked himself in my bathroom to avoid going, the wife and I both decided to head out. I wasn’t planning on talking to Starlight just yet; I’d made my point perfectly clear in Canterlot. However, it would be an opportunity to test her reactions, and see if she really was attempting to change.
The party was being held over in Sweet Apple Acres. Since the Apples’ have a large, and at present empty, barn at their disposal, Pinkie liked to commandeer it for parties. It was a bit of a walk, but no more than I was used to, and at least there weren’t any hills. Heading along the dirt road we soon found ourselves in front of the odd barn/house that was both the Apples’ home, as well as their largest storage barn for their harvests. Bones was outside the large barn doors, presumably taking a break. Busy parties, particularly loud ones, tended to wear him out quite quickly.
“Hey, Bones!” I called out, waving as we walked up. The cowpony looked up from his thoughts and trotted over.
“Pinkie caught you two as well did she?” he asked.
“In her usual way,” I replied. “Why, did she do the same to you and Applejack?” Bones nodded.
“Ah still can’t make out how she got into my room. Never mind how she managed to hide herself under my bed.” At that particular memory, he shuddered.
“So who’s in there at the moment?” my wife asked. Bones thought for a moment, pushing his hat back on his head.
“Well, Twilight and her friends are there, along with Starlight. Big Macintosh is there too, so are AB and the Crusaders.” He did his best to recall a few more names. “Er, Cheerilee, Milano, Lyra and Bon Bon, Derpy, The Doc, Bulk Biceps, pretty much everypony in town really. Lizzie too, I think she came with Fluttershy. C’mon, you know how Pinkie gets when it comes to parties.” With that, he turned around and beckoned us inside.
Walking into the barn, we found it to be pretty busy. The place was all but packed, and the party was beginning to spill out the side doors and back outside the barn again. The setup was your usual Pinkie Pie fare; balloons absolutely everywhere, along with lots of confetti from her party cannon, a couple of tables with drinks and snacks for everypony, and a record player blasting out some high tempo party music. The music though, was pretty much covered up by the hubbub of conversations going on.
I picked out Starlight fairly quickly. She’d changed a little since I saw her last. She’d redone her mane, letting one side of it fall across her face a little. She still looked a little nervous and out of her depth. However, with Twilight standing next to her and chatting with her, she seemed to be doing alright.
For the moment, I think I have to agree with Discord. Either she’s a brilliant actress, or she is actually trying to change. Still, a bit late in the day if you ask me. The two of us quickly started mingling, picking out Lizzie and Fluttershy amongst the crowd. The shy yellow pegasus was actually not attached to the nearest wall and Lizzie was standing by the punch bowl talking to…Dewdrop, I think his name is. He and Lizzie seem to have become good friends. We quickly headed over to the trio.
“Lizzie!” my wife called out, quickly wrapping the navy blue pegasus in a hug.
“Yeah. Hi, Mom,” she managed to reply with her dwindling air supply. “Enjoying the party?” Luckily, at that point, she was released and dropped back onto all fours.
“Yes, fine,” my wife replied. “Though we haven’t seen Starlight yet.” Fluttershy now jumped in a pointed off with a hoof.
“I think she’s just over there with Twilight,” she said, actually sounding audible over the noise.
Now, since Margaret didn’t know about my previous meeting, she dragged me along too, despite my protests. She insisted that I meet and greet with the ex-political fruitcake and megalomaniac. After pausing for a moment to grab a glass of punch or two, we both headed over to the pair.
Twilight seemed to have positioned Starlight smack bang in the middle of the party. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if she’d actually worked out, through some complicated formula, the perfect position to achieve optimal visibility to party-goers…or something like that. The wife seems to come down on Twilight’s side of the fence in regards to Starlight and wants to give her a second chance. Twilight spotted us approaching and quickly introduced us to Starlight. When the poor mare saw me, she almost went white.
“Hello, Starlight,” I greeted, after my wife had shook hooves and so forth. “Enjoying your party?” The mare paused for a moment, clearly a little rattled, but eventually nodded.
“Oh, er, yes. Thank you for asking,” she replied a little hesitantly.
Having seen her reaction, I left her Twilight and my wife and went to again search out Bones and talk with him. I found him talking with Octavia of all ponies. In his younger days, my boy played the violin, and the pair were now talking music.
“Hey, Bones,” I called out as I walked up. The pair stopped their talk for a moment and turned to face me. “Any chance I could steal you away from Octavia for a minute?”
“Er, sure, Dad,” the grey unicorn replied. “Ma’am.” He nodded to Octavia. We walked to a quieter area of the party, away from listening ears. I quickly answered my son’s questioning look.
“So. What do you make of Starlight, Bones?” I asked, Bones thought for a moment.
“Well, Ah heard what happened. Ah actually wouldn’t mind talking to her a bit later; see how she changed that spell of Starswirl’s. But at the moment she seems alright. A little off perhaps, but not evil.
“She kinda reminds me of a pony called Snowfall Frost; she tried to cast a spell to remove Hearth’s Warming Eve. Misguided, but enlightened. Ah’d say she’s just as smart as Twilight is, and is about as powerful as she was when she was a unicorn. Trouble is, her value system is all messed up. She puts power and control above friendship. That’s a dangerous road to walk. Given time though, Ah reckon Twilight can help her.”
I’d asked Bones since I figured, with more experience of ponies, he might a better judge of character. After all, I remember when Discord had first reformed, he’d written a good page and a half of reasons on a blog on why he’d go off the rails within a year. I let him continue.
“Don’t get me wrong, the mare was clearly nuts not too long ago. But Ah reckon she’s willin’ to try friendship again. Anyway, if y’all will excuse me, Ah’ve been meanin’ to go ask her a favour, and it’ll be a good chance for her to meet somepony new.”
He then trotted off towards the pink unicorn. I was actually quite surprised. Bones wasn’t exactly Pinkie Pie when it came to meeting new ponies. Perhaps their shared curiosity of magic had encouraged him.
I saw him walk over to Twilight and her new apprentice, while the party was for her, more than a few ponies were giving her a wide berth. He shook hooves with her and began to chat with her about magic. I couldn’t hear what they were saying over the hubbub, but Starlight seemed interested, while Twilight was more anxious. As they headed for the barn door, I picked up Twilight’s voice.
“Blade Star, no!” she exclaimed. “I know you have an interest in dark magic, but I’m not letting you use Starlight as a test subject.”
“Ah’m not, Twilight,” the cowpony replied. “Ah just need somepony to practice it with. Come on, Starlight.”
At this point, the discussion had garnered the attention of more than a few ponies, and a small crowd had gathered to follow them out. They headed outside into the farmyard where Bones and Starlight stood at dueling positions. I was by now pretty curious myself as to what Bones was up to.
“Right, Starlight,” he called to the unicorn. “Ah want ya to hit me with a spell; any old spell will do. If Ah’m right, it should stop and dissipate. But just be ready for a feedback loop.” Starlight nodded. Twilight meanwhile looked on with a mixture of scientific fascination and severe concern. “Alright, kid. Let’s see what ya got.”
Starlight let loose a spell from her horn. I expected my son to either dodge, or put up a shield. Given his cutie mark, he specialises in defensive magic, a bit like Shining. However, instead of doing that, he did something far more unexpected.
Tapping into what limited dark magic he had, he cast some sort of spell and reached out with a hoof. With his horn glowing black, I looked for a result. Twilight’s and Starlight’s jaws dropped.
The spell, now in the form of a bolt of energy, hovered between the two ponies. It just hung in the air, occasionally juddering back and forth a little, like a paused video tape. Opening his eyes, my son looked at his work, though still concentrating and struggling to maintain the spell.
“Yes!” he exclaimed. “Now let’s see ya try and steal my magic, Tirek!” He stepped to one side and then deactivated his spell. The magic quickly started up again, and Starlight’s spell shot by him, impacting a tree not too far away.
“How did you do that?” Starlight asked in amazement.
The two ponies, along with Twilight, soon fell into discussion of magic that went well beyond my meagre knowledge. While Starlight seemed to lack more than a few social graces, and at times still seemed a bit unhinged, my son seemed more than willing to talk magic with her and Twilight, particularly on the alterations she made to Starswirl’s spell.
In any case, it seemed as if my concerns were unwarranted. Still, I resolved to step lightly, just in case. I was glad to finally have her off my plate though. I heard the name Starlight Glimmer enough to last me a lifetime. Hopefully, I would not need to follow up my threat.
I now had a couple other more pressing matters to attend to.
Today, I stepped through the portal, and down into Tartarus for the final time. After this last visit, I would be able to revert back to my normal occupation. While Celestia had told me that I had done an exemplary job, she said that she had found somepony better suited. And while it felt like I was being fired, the solar alicorn assured me that I had done no wrong in my time there, and that I had performed my new duties admirably.
I was certain that she who must be obeyed would be more than happy at the news. I must admit, I didn’t exactly enjoy going down there to converse with the inmates. Still, I found myself feeling a little sad that I would never again walk those rocky paths between the cells, or get to make a fuss of Cerberus.
I asked Celestia, out of curiosity, just who it was she had found to replace me. I half expected it to be Discord; he was her first choice after all, and with him now having turned a corner regarding Tirek, he seemed to be in a much better position to serve as Tartarus’ warden. But no, Celestia told me it was not the Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony, nor was it Time Turner, or Starlight, or Twilight, or even Maud Pie. In fact, she was keeping very tight lipped about who it was. All she would tell me was that she was sure the place was now in good hooves, watched over by someone with ‘past experience’.
Anyway, I slowly made my way along the well-trod path. As ever, I came upon Tirek’s little cage first. And, as per usual, the centaur within began hurling insults at me and promises of terrible vengeance that had been uttered so often that they had lost all meaning.
I’d tolerated this idiot for several months now. And since it was my last day on the job, I decided to go and, for once, have a little chat. I decided that I ought to explain the finer points of life to the decrepit magic hog. I walked right over to his cell and stared at him. To my surprise, the centaur actually fell silent. I suppose he was curious, given that I had pretty much ignored and refused to engage him the entire time I was here.
“Are you gonna bark all day, little doggy?” I asked in a quiet voice. “Or are you gonna bite?” Tirek snarled at me.
“I have nothing to say to you, you miserable ape!” he howled.
“Inside voice, Tirek,” I chided, only making him angrier. “And if you’ve nothing to say, you certainly have a funny way of showing it.” He snorted at me.
“Fine. What do you want?” he asked, glaring daggers at me.
“I wanted to explain a few things to you, old man. I think life, the universe, and everything is a good starting point. What do you say? Would you care to know the nature of reality?” Now, Tirek looked at me, as if I were the madman. I continued.
“It’s my last day down here, you see,” I went on. “We haven’t talked that much, so I decided that I ought to let you in on a little secret. Something that not even Celestia knew until I told her.” That seemed to get his attention.
“What could you possibly know?” Tirek replied sneeringly. Unphased, I continued.
“Tell me, Tirek, what do you know about me? Where did I come from?” Tirek made no reply. “I’m actually not from Equestria, not even from this world. I came here from another world, another reality, perhaps even another universe.” Tirek now seemed marginally interested.
“In that world, there was a thing called ‘television’; sort of like those projectors ponies have to watch movies. And there was this show, about six mares, living in Ponyville, who wielded the Elements of Harmony.” Tirek was now leaning forward, curious. Even if he thought I was lying, it was still a decent tall tale.
“They used the Elements to defeat evil villains; Nightmare Moon, Discord, changelings, and so on. But the show soon needed a new villain, somepony our heroes could fight and defeat, an evil character whose sole purpose was to be evil and fall to the forces of good.” I paused. “That character, Tirek, was you.”
“You expect me to believe that nonsense?” the centaur asked incredulously. I nodded.
“It’s the truth, I assure you. I have no reason to lie to you. I just thought you should know. And I figured it would prevent you from writing humans off as ‘magicless apes’ so quickly.”
Reaching into my inside pocket on my jacket, I pulled out a few sheets of paper. Discord had acquired them for me. They weren’t from this world, or my own, but it was apparently a close approximation. They were initial design sketches. The character’s name was still Tirek, and he had a sidekick called Scorpan. Bones had told me that they were from something called ‘G1’. I passed the pages to Tirek.
“Here’s another version of you. You might even call this fellow your father. Writers and designers drew on this image and character to create you, as an evil despot who despises friendship and seeks nothing but destruction.”
I passed him a few more sketches. They slowly evolved from an odd, goat like creature, into the being that now stood before me.
“That is all you are Tirek, a caricature to be despised. You were created to frighten little children, nothing more.”
This seemed to finally get through to the stubborn fool. He backed away, looking deeply unsettled. Though I suppose anypony would after being told that their entire life up to this point was a work of fiction, created solely to amuse people. I leaned down, close to Tirek.
“Remember this, Tirek, whenever you think of me, or my species. You are nothing but a work of fiction. You exist, because we allow it. And you will end, because we demand it.”
Tirek was now deeply frightened, as any rational being would be upon being told that they were a fictional character, and their every action up to this point had been controlled by an omniscient and omnipotent creator. Of course, it wasn’t really true. While the show was identical to what happened in this reality, the two were not linked. At worst it was a cosmic coincidence; think of the ‘infinite number of monkeys on typewriters’ idea. Tirek probably did appear in the show according to Bones, even acting the same way as he did here. But nonetheless, we all had free will.
But Tirek didn’t need to know that. I left him sitting in the middle of his cage, staring off into space, contemplating the futility of his own existence.
Leaving the centaur to his existential crisis, I headed off towards Sombra’s cell. It had been a clever plan of his; to escape without escaping. It had even caught the approval of the typically unflappable Princess Luna. As soon as we had realised the true nature of Sombra’s little plan, Celestia took action. He had lost the few ‘privileges’ that he had in Tartarus, and apparently now enjoyed accommodation almost identical to that of Tirek, courtesy of Tartatus’ new management.
Walking down the familiar stone corridor, I emerged into Sombra’s cell and took my usual seat. I didn’t speak to him, or treat him to the usual pleasantries we normally exchanged. With an air of overwhelming confidence, I sat down in my chair and crossed one leg over the other. This time, I had the upper hand, I had the advantage. I allowed myself a small smile.
“Your cell looks bigger with no books in it,” I commented.
Indeed, Sombra had had his magic completely cut off; he was now unable to create any more illusions. That meant no more library, no more private study, no more throne room, just his cell’s true appearance, which was no different than the rest of Tartarus.
He’d also been stripped of his royal attire as well. His crown was nowhere to be seen, nor was his armour. Even his fine robes had been taken from him, and the stallion now sat on the floor of his cell, his blank flank, for he had no cutie mark despite his age, exposed for all to see.
Still, he maintained some quiet dignity. He was lying on his stomach, with his forelegs splayed out in front of him, one crossed over the other. His lion like mane was still in excellent condition too, and he remained an intimidating character. He was very much like a lion really, or some other predator. Even stripped of his material things, the dark king radiated an aura of power, particularly from those malignant red eyes.
But having known him, I now knew I had little to fear from him.
“Really?” Sombra replied quietly, his tone controlled, but still with an acidic aftertaste. “I hadn’t noticed.”
He paused, fixing his eyes on me. Tilting his head back, he sniffed at the air. Smirking for a moment, he quickly returned his gaze to me.
“And I see you have still yet to find a better aftershave,” he remarked dryly, attempting to parry my own insult. Since I no longer needed him, I decided to indulge him.
“Yeah, I keep getting it for Hearth’s Warming,” I replied. Sombra’s head tilted a little to one side.
“Hearth’s Warming? Ah, yes. Did you get my card?” I’ll admit that that actually did spook me. He had the courtesy to sign the card simply as ‘S’, but the attached letter, and the flowing handwriting, left no doubt as to who the sender was.
“I did, thank you,” I answered. Sombra nodded in approval and looked off into the distance.
“It was so nice of the Royal Guard to forward that to you. They wouldn’t give me your home address.” That was because none of them knew anything other than my P.O Box in Ponyville, with good reason. Undoubtedly, he tried more than a few dirty tricks to extract information from the guards that occasionally visited him.
I decided to confront the matter at hand.
“It was a brilliant scheme, if you don’t mind me saying, Sombra,” I offered.
“No, no, not at all,” the dark unicorn replied, smiling in a way similar to his mocking tone.
“Believe it or not, it took a Timelord to work out what it was you had been planning. It was clever; simply waiting for reality to change around you. When Starlight changed the past, you went from a captured prisoner, all but stripped of his powers, to a reborn tyrant, fighting a bloody war in northern Equestria.”
“Time Twister’s Temporal Alternation Blocker was by far the hardest part,” Sombra declared. “And it was nonetheless disorientating, even without my memories being affected. I had to move quickly to learn my new place in time and the new position of my empire. The mind control helmets were inspired; I amazed even myself.”
“But then the timeline was restored,” I continued. Sombra scowled at that. “And you found yourself back in your old cell once more.” Sombra’s glare now became strong enough that I worried that he would melt the bars between us.
“Yes. And if I had known you would check me for time travel magic, I would have used a mage wash too!”
“Hence, we find ourselves here. Once again, you have nothing to offer me. I see no reason that my visits should continue.” I was about to get up and leave, when I was startled by another voice.
“True, my advisor,” Celestia said, as she strode into the cell. “However, I myself may make one or two trips down here from time to time.”
The two of us fell into a stunned silence.
In the entire time I had been keeping an eye on things here in Tartarus, Celestia had joined me on only two occasions. And each time, she had refused to go anywhere near Sombra’s cell. I didn’t know for sure why, but judging by the look on her face whenever she had glanced at the tunnel that led down that way, I had guessed that there some history between the alicorn and the mad king. Celestia walked past me and stood toe to toe with Sombra. For the first time ever, I saw him at an utter loss. A few moments later though, he recovered. Looking her in the eye, he smiled at the alicorn.
“Celestia,” he said, eventually. The snow white alicorn smiled and bowed her head slightly.
“Sombra.” Another long pause, I moved out toward the edge of the room, though I didn’t leave.
“It’s been a long time,” he went on, his red eyes fixated on her own magenta ones. “Did you miss me?” Celestia frowned.
“Not particularly,” she replied. “How are you taking to your new living arrangements?” Sombra snarled at that. A moment later though, his expression switched.
“Oh come now, Tia. Surely you’re pinning for me after all this time? Not even a little fantasy?” Celestia scowled.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I snapped at him. Celestia raised a hoof for me to stop.
“You are not him, Sombra. You barely even look like him. Never mind your personality,” she replied.
I could see now why Celestia had not come with me to visit Sombra before. His reactions were radically different, he was trying to get under Celestia’s skin the whole time. His comments threw me though. Initially, I assumed it was just one of his usual tricks, trying to shock Celestia and provoke a reaction. Unlike myself, Celestia could see just as far ahead in the great game as Sombra could. They were like two chess players of equal skill.
However, I later learned that there was a vague shred of truth to Sombra’s words. Sombra and Celestia were indeed once upon a time, lovers. It was not this Sombra though.
You see, Celestia had, several months before we arrived in Equestria, begun experimenting with Starswirl’s mirror portal magic. Essentially, it created gateways, in the form of mirrors, between various realities. One had led to a mirror version of Equestria, where everything was the exact opposite. Celestia and Luna were the evil villains, whilst Sombra was the benevolent king of Equestria, with some of the ponies we would recognise as villains helping him maintain harmony.
Celestia had had a relationship with this version of Sombra, repeatedly visiting his own reality. However, repeated use of the mirror portal made it grow unstable and before long, the two realities began to merge, with possibly disastrous consequences. To save Celestia, Sombra used a spell to absorb the dark magic of the mirror Celestia and Luna. This stopped the realities merging, but also made him into the Sombra I knew here. He might as well have been killed.
The loss had hurt Celestia badly, and Sombra had been more than willing to use it to his advantage. She visited him only once before asking me to keep an eye on Tartarus. In that visit, he attempted to fool her into believing that he was actually a part of the good Sombra she knew, given that, it terms of realities, both were now one and the same. Celestia didn’t fall for it, but that didn’t stop Sombra from trying.
“I wouldn’t say that, my dear. We share the same form, the same voice, the same mind. Is there really that much if a difference?” Celestia now expertly took control of the conversation.
“I think I’ve indulged you long enough, Sombra,” she declared. “And I’m afraid I’ve no interest in your foalhood crush.” That got Sombra to turn scarlet and bear his fangs.
“The stallion I cared for had no interest in petty games or feeble attempts at manipulation. He had gained his position on merit and trust, not by force and mind control spells. He was wise, learned, and noble. You were never anything like him, Sombra. You are just what you always have been; a shadow, a shade, a poor reflection, and nothing more.”
And with that, Sombra snapped.
With no magic to call upon, and no real weapons to hoof, he grabbed what he could. Taking a few pebbles in his hoof, he hurled them towards the two of us. Celestia easily caught the crude projectiles in her golden magic. In a remarkable display of power, she compressed the rock with such force that it was turned into a diamond. Both Sombra and I were speechless.
“Sombra,” Celestia said softly, when he had finally calmed down. “You were once a threat to me, my sister, and my ponies. That is no longer the case; with no magic, you can harm nopony. However, you still have my pity.” Sombra growled at her like an animal, seething at his inability to strike back at the alicorn. “I feel sorry for you.”
Again, this seemed to anger Sombra. Having seen how ineffective projectiles were against the alicorn princess, Sombra now resorted to hurling himself at the bars. He shouted, swore, called Celestia and her sister horrible names, and promised that he would kill them the next chance he got. Celestia was unamused and took her leave without giving Sombra so much as a backward glance. I however, stayed where I was, watching the frenzied stallion. As Celestia walked out, he fell silent, his sides heaving from the exertion. I decided to goad him one last time before I left.
“Sombra,” I called out smugly. The dark unicorn looked up, rage clear on his face. There was only one thing I could say at this juncture. Leaning down and looking him in the eye, I smiled; I was going to enjoy this.
“Long live the king.”
He didn’t respond, and merely glared daggers at me. Cracking a smile at my vanquished foe, I followed Celestia back out into Tartarus. His raging soon started up again.
The two of us headed back out into Tartarus proper, with Celestia leading the way. Even outside the entrance to his cell, we could still hear Sombra’s howling madness. It had shocked me, to say the least. All this time, I had dealt with a pony that, while twisted and evil almost beyond measure, was still civilised, calm, and ordered. But in one short meeting, Celestia had managed to coax him into revealing his true colours. He was as mad as Tirek, if not more so.
“I can see why you didn’t join me when I visited Sombra, your highness,” I said, turning to Celestia. The alicorn nodded.
“He despises me, and my sister. No matter his control, if you do not acknowledge him, and fear him, he quickly loses his temper. He needs that fear to validate himself. By ignoring it, and instead pitying him, I caused him to show his true self. I certainly doubt either of us will be calling on him again.” I let out a sigh of relief.
“I’m glad to hear that, your highness. Sombra, caged or not, he’s the only being down here that ever truly frightened me. He’s very human in a way. He doesn’t have the restraint most ponies have, or even most humans.”
“A psychopath,” Celestia summarised. “It is a shame. He has, even now, such talent in magic, both practice and theory. Once upon a time he may have been a good stallion.” Celestia fell silent; her look once again became wistful and nostalgic.
I let her remark hang in the air. That particular issue was private to Celestia, and even as her friend, it was not something I would go poking my nose in.
A few moments later, we came upon the open portal, guarded by Cerberus. Ol’ Fluffy leaned down to be made a fuss of. He seems to like both me and Celestia. According to Fluttershy, he felt very bad about not being able to release them when they were wrongfully imprisoned here, and does all he can to make up for it.
Stepping back through the portal, we emerged back into my office. With a quick flick of her horn, Celestia sealed the portal behind us.
“There,” she said happily, glad I think to be back in her kingdom. “Now, I had best return to Day Court, my advisor. Is it a busy day for you as well?” I raised a hand and made the so-so motion.
“Sort of,” I replied. “The Chief of Police in Manehatten wired me this morning. They picked up Marelone without trouble. He should be in an interview room within the hour. Other than that though, I should be available to advise you, as ever.” Celestia smiled.
“Then I shall leave you to deal with Mr. Marelone, my advisor. Good day.”
“Good day, your highness,” I replied.
With that, she departed.
As the princess left, I heard her greet Buttercup in the corridor. A moment later, he appeared in my doorway. The earth pony guard was standing there in his usual armour and greeted me.
“We have Marelone waiting for you downstairs, sir,” he reported. By ‘downstairs’, he meant the castle dungeons, which boasted cells and several interview rooms. I nodded in understanding.
“Good,” I replied, sounding a little disinterested. “Make sure he stays under guard.”
“Yes, sir,” Buttercup replied. He then stepped back a little from the door to allow me to follow him. “Er, coming, sir?” I shook my head.
“In a little while, Buttercup,” I said, sitting down in my chair again. The guard tilted his head to emphasise his confusion. It did seem a bit of an odd reaction from me after all.
“Sir?”
“I want to let him sweat for a little while. And remind him who has the upper hoof here. Let him stew for another hour, then come and find me.” Buttercup nodded and then departed.
I meanwhile took a chance to catch a breath and fished out a copy of a Shadow Spade story; I think it was ‘The Mareltase Falcon’. Marelone wasn’t going anywhere, and I needed to brush up on my interrogation technique.
After I had made Marelone wait another hour for me, I headed on down to the dungeons. It’s a bit of a mix down there really. One the one hand, you have Victorian era prison cells that are about as comfortable as a debtors prison, but you also have comparatively modern interview rooms, complete with low level lighting, metal chairs and table, and one way mirrors to allow ponies to watch from outside.
However, much to my delight, there were two things those interview rooms didn’t have; cameras and microphones. In Britain, at the time I left, you were interviewed by two officers when you were nicked, and it was all recorded and taped to ensure no intimidation occurred. But back in the good old days, all that had to be done was the suspect had to sign the officers’ report at the end, confirming it was true. As long as they could still use their hand, you were fine. Unsurprisingly, quite a few criminals, particularly ones with weaker cases, experienced unfortunate accidents. Some of them would fall pretty hard, and bang their head about five or six times, or break their hand in the door.
Of course, I wasn’t about to do that. But it might help for Marelone to believe that I had that option open to me. After all, I’d previously shown him that I knew how to play the game. As a matter of fact, I was going to use a similar tactic to the one I had used with the cabbie.
I opened the door and walked into the interview room, telling the two guards to wait outside. I then closed it behind me and turned the latch, locking it tight.
“How do, Marelone?” I greeted cheerfully. The earth pony glared back at me, but didn’t reply. His suit, as well as his mane, was ruffled from being manhandled up here, and he no longer looked like a respected Mafioso. “Sorry to keep you waiting, but things have been rather busy down here recently.” Marelone snorted.
“Your pet gorillas out there still haven’t told me what I’m being charged with,” he replied. “If you want to hold me, I’m fairly certain you have to charge me with something.” I nodded.
“Very true,” I said. “And on that note; Bugsy Marelone, I’m arresting you on suspicion of conspiracy to kidnap. You do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you do not mention, when questioned, something which you later rely on in court. Anything you say may be given in evidence. Do you understand?” Marelone bristled at that.
“Yes.” I smiled.
“Good. Do you want your brief here? Or would you rather we just have a chat between ourselves?” Marelone leaned back and formed his two front hooves into a steeple.
“Let’s talk. Just yous and me,” he replied, his Manehatten accent becoming more pronounced.
Opening my briefcase, I fished out the small, old fashioned tape recorder and spooled it up. Playing it back revealed a recording of the conversation between Marelone and me, asking him to help capture Starlight. He went decidedly pale when he heard it.
“Now,” I said, after I had stopped the tape. “I can easily explain away our little arrangement as a sting operation. Nopony will believe you anyway. You however, are on tape, agreeing to help kidnap somepony. I doubt I could find a judge in all of Equestria that won’t send you down the river. And when they do, I’ll be sure to tell The Commission how cooperative you were with my investigation. How long do you think you’ll last on Whickers?” ‘Whickers’ was Whickers Island, just off the coast, an infamous prison for Equestria’s criminals.
Marelone saw how the land lay. Either he could go to prison and before long be bumped off by The Commission, or…
“Is there a deal to made here?” he enquired resignedly. I smiled and leaned back in my seat.
“That there is, old son,” I replied. “And a very simple one at that. I will let you out of here, drop the charges against you, and overlook your criminal past. In exchange, you will work for me.” I leaned forward on the table and explained. “I want to bring down The Commission; not just the ponies involved, but the whole organisation. I intend to gather enough evidence to charge The Commission itself with racketeering, smuggling, and anything else I can dig up. I intend to send every last one of you down the river.” Marelone tilted his head to one side.
“And suppose I simply go back to Manehatten and tell my boss all this?” I smiled.
“Then I’ll have you picked up just like I did this morning. And I’ll make the indictment official. You’ll rot on Whickers Island for the rest of your days.” Marelone however, seemed unruffled. So, I chose to play my last card, hoping that he didn’t call my bluff.
I laid a polaroid photo on the table. It was a picture of a young auburn coated mare, with a cute little filly following at her heels.
“Well, if you aren’t up for it,” I said darkly. “I suppose I could always talk to this pretty young thing. Though I couldn’t be held responsible for what The Commission might do if she was seen talking to the Manehatten Police.” I wouldn’t really of course. If Marelone called my bluff, that would have been it. I would never dream of putting anypony in harm’s way, least of all a mare and her foal.
Still, the tactics worked. Marelone’s pupils shrunk to pinpricks as he looked at the photo. A moment later, he looked up at me, murder in his eyes.
“You son of a Diamond Dog!” he seethed. “Fine, I’ll help you.” I leaned back again and let myself relax.
“Good. Glad we could come to an understanding,” I replied cheerfully. I passed him a business card. “Leave any messages you have for me here. It’s a P.O Box on West 59th Street. I want names, places, dates, and amounts. Then, when things go down, you and your family get to slip away, start a new life. Deal?” I extended a hand across the table. After a few moments of consideration, Marelone responded.
“Deal,” he replied, taking my hand. With that, the stallion broke his omerta; his code of silence. If I remember correctly, this made him a ‘pentito’; his soul would now burn in hell for breaking his word. I had a stallion on the inside.
I left Marelone downstairs and headed back up to my office in good spirits. Today had been a case of ‘two birds, one stone’ as they say. I’d been able to close the book on Sombra, and see him get his metaphorical arse kicked by Celestia. And now, I’d just set in motion my plan to, hopefully, tear down the blight of organised crime in Equestria. Not bad for my first year.
Things did seem to be settling down in general now. Starlight was no longer a problem, and seemed to be doing okay in Ponyville, though I fear she has a long road to understanding friendship. Sombra had once again been bested by Celestia. Tirek was contentedly rotting in jail. Troubleshoes had been exonerated. Rainbow hasn’t made any further attempts to hold off the various seasons. Everything just seems to be settling down into idyllic tranquillity.
My son, at this point, would point out that that is usually when the ground gives way from under you. But the way I see it, with the map even going quiet, we all might as well enjoy this quiet spell while it lasts.
Heading back into my office, I grabbed what few files I needed to take home, drew the blinds, turned off the lights and locked up for the night. I briefly stopped by the throne room, where Celestia was just stepping down, having officially closed court for the day.
“Right, I’m just about to head off,” I said as I walked into the throne room. I try and make a point of saying goodbye to Celestia at the end of the day.
“I could say the same myself, my advisor,” Celestia replied as she dismissed the guards from the court. Stepping down off the dais, she walked over to me and gestured for me to continue on.
“Before you leave though,” she went on. “I was just about to lower the sun for the day. My sister is in her tower preparing to raise the moon, but I could do with some company. I don’t suppose you’d mind staying for a few more minutes?” I shook my head.
“No, of course I don’t mind, Tia,” I replied. “And hey, it would be interesting just to see you do your thing. Land of magical talking ponies or not, your party trick still makes my jaw drop.” Celestia chuckled at the complement.
The two of us headed up to Celestia’s own chambers. While Luna had her own tower, Celestia maintained her own suite somewhat closer to throne room. After all, the younger princess needed a vantage point for when she was examining the night sky and fine tuning her moon’s position.
Heading inside, Celestia opened the double doors which led out onto the balcony. Being on the western side of the castle, you could see both parts of Canterlot, as well as the valley below, and, of course, the setting sun.
I stood a little way off to Celestia’s left, giving her room to work. Looking across the expanse, I could just about make out Princess Luna, standing on the balcony of her own tower.
With the sun now just barely floating above the horizon, Celestia reared up onto her hind legs, her hooves pounded through the air out of reflex. Lighting up her horn in its usual golden aura, she began to move the vast nuclear reactor. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I can’t say I believe in God, and Celestia herself is certainly not a deity, but there was still something awe inspiring about the power she wielded.
In a single fluid motion, the sun dipped below the horizon, and the sky turned to twilight. Celestia returned to all four hooves and slowly deactivated her magical hold. Across the way, I saw Luna’s horn glow a light blue, and in the same fashion, albeit in reverse, the moon smartly rose above the horizon and began to make its way up into the sky.
I was speechless, really, I was. I’d seen Celestia raise the sun last year at the Summer Sun Celebration. But…to be so close…you could feel the magic in the air. It was just incredible.
I stayed a few minutes more with Celestia, as the stars began to phase into view. I of course, thanked her for letting me see the spectacle and wished her a good night. I then took my leave and headed for the train station. Home for tea.
Putting all my papers together once again, I filed everything away neatly in my briefcase. That was the last case of the day, and it hadn’t even been that much of a challenge. Just a nice simple attempted burglary for us to sort out. The only reason it got kicked up to Day Court was due to the value of the gems that had almost been pinched. I tell you, that map thing really seems to get a bead on villains. Luna’s little band dropped them off near the castle, and it was a simple matter of parading the evidence in front of the court.
Don’t get me wrong, I love a tough case from time to time, but it is nice to end your Friday with a quick little number. After all, I’d been busy as hell with the big trial going on up in Manehatten. Well, Manehatten, Fillydelphia, Baltimare, Chicoltgo, and Las Pegasus. Marelone had been invaluable, and with his insider information, I’d been able to pull a real ‘Five Families’ deal on Equestria’s biggest organised crime group. The fact that all the raids happened during little Flurry Heart’s Crystaling was just the icing on the cake. With the help of the Royal Guard, and a lot of local law enforcement, we’d cut off the head of the snake when it came to Cosa Nostra. In fact, now, my plate is pretty much empty.
Celestia announced that Day Court was closing for the day when the CPS boys left and the guards took their newest prisoner down. That was effectively the last bell for me. I was off the clock. When the doors closed, I turned and spoke to Celestia.
“Well, that was a good little case to finish up with, your highness,” I commented. Getting up from her throne, Celestia nodded in agreement.
“It certainly has been an easier day today, my advisor,” she replied. As ever, with the doors closed and locked, she removed her princess mask. “It’s always nice to have a quieter court. I even had a few petitioners today who just wanted to thank me for my help.” I smiled.
“Honestly, Luna ought to appreciate her Night Court. She gets what, five or six petitioners a night?”
“Perhaps the two of us should trade places sometime?” Celestia remarked, smirking for a moment before breaking into a laugh.
It was still fairly early as well. With court quiet and closed up for the day, we all had some free time to play with.
“Well, since it’s all quiet here, Tia,” I said, gesturing to the empty throne room. “How about we have a quick round of the game upstairs? It would certainly be a nice way to kick off my weekend.” Celestia thought for a moment. Like Twilight, at times she can be a bit of a workaholic.
“Hmm…I was planning on sorting out those trade agreements for Mareitania.” My look became a bit more pleading. “But, I suppose I could put that off until Monday.” I smiled at that. I’ve still got it.
As we made for the door, a bright flash of light appeared in the middle of the room as Discord appeared.
“Did I hear talk of games?” he asked excitedly.
“Only if you planted more bugs since I found those last four, Discord,” I replied jokingly. “You free for a bit are you? No important chaos like errands to run?” Discord shook his head.
“Nope. Everything’s done and dusted. Now I can just kick back and relax. Though I can’t say the same for Blueblood.”
Somewhere in the castle, we all heard a very un-stallion like scream. I decided that I didn’t even want to know what Discord had done to the imbecilic prince. Just as long as it was legal and he didn’t kill him.
“Since when do you do anything of the sort?” Another voice broke in. Standing behind Discord, smiling a little, was Luna. “I heard that the court was quiet for the moment, Sister.” Celestia nodded.
“Yes, my sister. Now I know how you feel when you hold your court.” Luna rolled her eyes. “Speaking of though, I was just talking with Roger about possibly swapping shifts from time to time.”
“What do you mean?” Luna replied curiously.
“I mean you could perhaps take a day or so each week to hold Day Court, while I catch up on other issues. You always say you want to help more ponies in the court.” The smaller princess considered for a moment.
“That may well be an interesting idea, Sister,” she agreed. “Though it will all depend upon how busy I am with my little side project.”
“Oh yes, we just finished sending down those two bozos your guys dropped off for us; nice work, princess,” I complimented. “You’ve really got a good thing going there.” At this, Luna became somewhat concerned.
“While the ‘cutie map’ as Twilight Sparkle calls it has been invaluable these past few months, it has grown silent as of late. I have not had a new number from it for quite some time,” she said, her ears splayed back in concern. “I fear the actions of Starlight Glimmer may have caused some issues it must resolve before it begins anew.”
“I’m sure it’ll start up again soon, princess,” I replied. “And if not, I’m sure Twilight will be able to jump start it.”
With all four of us already together (Shining was up north for a while, looking after his newly arrived daughter) we were ready to head off to play our usual game. However, an idea struck me.
“Say, princess,” I asked, turning back to Celestia. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to try something a little different this time.”
“Oh?” Celestia replied.
“How about you three come by my place instead. We can have a little party to celebrate everything that’s happened these past weeks.” Discord readily agreed, though both princesses took some convincing. Eventually though, I managed to persuade them to the idea and we all agreed to meet up again at my home in Ponyville later that evening.
I headed home on my own that evening, by my usual train. Getting back to the house, I informed she who must be obeyed that Celestia, Luna, and Discord would be coming by tonight for a little get together. That got my wife into something of a tizzy. Like most ponies in Equestria, my wife does rather tend to put the princesses on something of a pedestal. I guess having been around them for so long, I’ve gotten used to treating them informally. For me, going to see Celestia is an ordinary occurrence. Whereas for most ponies, it is something mired in protocol and perfection in all aspects.
Luckily, with a bit of effort, I was able to calm her down. After all, Celestia had visited here before. My wife had thrown a sort of house warming party not long after we moved in, and asked me to invite some friends from work. On the night, much to her surprise, in addition to Buttercup and a few other guards I knew, I also brought along Discord and Celestia, the latter of whom was disguised. She and Luna would be doing the same thing tonight, just to be safe.
With my wife calmed down at last, the two of us started to make up dinner for ourselves, as well as a few snacks for when our guests turned up. Since the game was going to be the focus of the party, I invited my wife to join in as well.
The two princesses and my draconequus friend arrived just after seven in the evening. As I had told Margaret, both of the alicorns were now in disguise. Celestia was an average sized white unicorn, with a light pink mane. Luna meanwhile, had gone down the pegasus route, with her usual dark blue coat and a light blue mane similar to the one she had when she first returned. Humorously though, I noticed one major difference between the two disguised alicorns. Whilst Celestia was of fairly average size in her disguised body, Luna had gone for a more leggy form, and consequently stood around half a head taller than her ‘big’ sister.
“Now, I’m going out on a limb here,” I said jokingly. “But I’m guessing you two are my bosses in disguise?” Celestia rolled her eyes.
“Yes, my advisor. It’s us,” Celestia replied, sounding a little irked. I was surprised at that.
“Oh don’t worry about ‘Sunny Skies’ here, my friend,” Discord said, taking great pleasure in ruffling the disguised alicorn’s mane. “She’s just a bit sore about being the little sister at the moment.
“I must admit,” Luna broke in. “It is nice to be able to look down on you, sister.” She and Discord burst into giggles, with the latter scooping the princess up in his arms and giving her a noogie. The ‘unicorn’ snarled and teleported out of his grasp.
“Can you two please behave normally?” she implored desperately.
“Oh, don’t worry, Tia,” I assured her. “You can drop the disguise in the house. Just mind your head.” With that, I let the three of them inside. Turning down the hall toward the kitchen, I called out to my wife.
“Darling! Celestia and the others are here!” I heard some cutlery clatter.
“Just a minute!” her voice called back.
I lead my three friends into the living room, where the two princess settled on the sofa, whilst Discord made his own high backed armchair to sit in. My wife appeared a moment later with the customary tea and biscuits; the traditional standby in any British home when visitors are around. It might not have been some fancy chamomile leaf from far off lands, but it seemed to suit the princesses just fine, as did the digestives. Discord however, was being his usual self; amusing to me, not so to she who must be obeyed.
“Discord! Can you please drink the tea and not the mug?” she asked, sounding like she was scolding some errant foal. To be fair, Discord was pulling one of his party tricks. He was drinking the mug itself, leaving the liquid of the tea behind, which somehow held its shape despite the mug no longer being there. Rolling his eyes and sighing, the draconequus obliged. Unfortunately, that meant him regurgitating the mug back into form, something my wife didn’t approve of too much.
After that though, things settled down. The five of us happily talked amongst ourselves. Discord and I chatted about this and that, whilst Celestia talked to my wife about how her time at the elementary school was going, she also asked after Lizzie. Luna meanwhile, asked after one of her more unhinged fanatics; my son. She’d apparently not had a chance to talk with him since the Tantabus incident, and was planning to possibly drop by Sweet Apple Acres before she returned to Canterlot.
“Honestly, princess, I know he’s my son, but what on earth do you see in him? Doesn’t he come across as just a bit…off,” my wife asked. While that does sound a little harsh towards her own child, Bones’ connection with Princess Luna does border upon religious fanaticism at times. Luna set down her teacup before replying.
“On the contrary, Margaret,” she replied. “I find your son to be fine companion and a good friend to me. Believe me when I say that he is far from as devout as some of my thestral guards. There are quite a few ponies all over Equestria like him. Ponies I can visit on quiet nights, when the dreamscape is at peace, and just relax with. A bit like how we are all relaxing at this very moment.” I let that sink in. She does certainly seem to like him, though their friendship doesn’t go beyond that. ‘Best Princess’ as he puts it, or not, nopony can take his attention away from Applejack.
After tea and biscuits, we all turned our attention to the large coffee table in the centre of the room. On it sat the usual map of the London Underground and all the relevant paraphernalia. We each chose our playing pieces and quickly set everything up. Discord would be the umpire tonight for a change, it was decided. I also found myself, for the first time, playing in teams. We ended up splitting into three teams; one being Celestia and Luna, the other my wife, the newcomer to the game, and myself, and finally Discord, who promptly produced a clone of himself to even things out.
The game ran long as each of our pairs attempted to outfox the others. I must say, Margaret acquitted herself rather well as my team’s senior conductor. In the end, with the hour growing late and Princess Luna needing to return to her Night Court, we called a draw between the lot of us.
As the five (though technically six) of us sat around talking for a little while longer, I reflected on the strange turn our lives had taken. Here I was, playing a nonsense game, not only with my loving wife of almost thirty years, but with two magical, talking pony princess, who I happen to work for, along with the near omnipotent physical embodiment of chaos, who happens to be my best mate. At times…it just seems so ludicrous; I have to pinch myself to convince myself that I’m awake.
Still, as strange a road as I am now walking, I think that I’m certainly on the right path. I have a good job, an nice house, friends and family all a stone’s throw away. I’ve even made peace with the darker parts of my past. It’s fair to say I’ve gone up in the world. In this one year, I’ve met ambassadors, generals, princes and princesses, monsters, tyrants, despots, fugitives, and one very crazy draconequus.
As the two of us saw the princesses and Discord, now back to just the one of him, off, Charlie came scampering in from the kitchen, his tail wagging. The three of us curled up on the sofa to watch a film before bed.
All in all, I think it’s safe to say that, by the time I’m done and called off to glory, I’ll have quite a few tales to tell from my time in Celestia’s Day Court.
