THE SILLY PONY IS ME
This story starts with me wakin' up like wrapped up winter wakes dem snakes in them there holes in the ground, y'all hear me? I dun charish mah holidays, an dis one here's one o' mah favorites. They say that us simple mud pones ain't got no fancy inclinations, and that there sure is true. Ain't nothin ah aspire to as much as honest hard work. But y'all can bet your gravy ah sure as a chimera's backside know what athere typewriter is. Ah'ma told sumdim writer ponies like miz yearling dun use it for typin out words. Ah reckon I best tah use mah mouth ana pen, but thems mechanical writin' machines ah the plum reason we'zal got dis day o' jubilee. If it wern't fer them, why, I don't suppose interdimensional caps lock day would right be much'a anythang, yuknow?
This day is all about projectin' y'alls voice 'n shoutin sumthin fierce so all those near 'n yonder can all hear yah. Dey say ahr dear princess luna first took a fancy to this celebratory day wid sumthin she calls the "royal canterlock voice". I can't confirm nor deny that one way orda other, but I can say dat when I heard o' this here day, I took to it like a billy goat takes tah hay ona mountain.
Projectin' ones voice can take a lot outta ya, so its important to stay hydrated. Luckily for, me, ah always drink coffee. It's how ah can work harder than a timberwolf' s rib cage, ya hear? Today ah had fifteen cups of black coffee.
Also I mighta broken into a pharmacy and ingested various legal amphetamines all willy nilly like a hydra snackin on frogs in a swamp. Agin, ah can neither confirm nor deny such statements. I reckon thems pills for the poor folks who have a mighty hawd time focusin on theirs work. I dunt have that problem; I can buck apples awl day! I dunt have adhd, but ah sure-as-sugar do have a heckuva lotta energy right now.
So duh next thang I see fit t'accomplish is go flyin'. I aint no dummy; I know the story of Icarus. Land's sakes, poor Rarity nearly perished the same way, fallin like apple prices in a glut, 'naught for the heroics of rainbow dash. I ain't sampled none o' Zecora's funky mushrooms; Ah aint fixen to fall tuh mah death. Ah've gotta a mighty lotta liv'n to do yet, ah figure. No miss, ah ain't gunna pull no crazy stunts. I just want to fly like a pegasus so I can hang out with Rainbow Dash more. Just once Ah wanna soar through them clouds like an apple soars through the air into the basket after ah buck the tree it recides upon. Actually never mind me, that's a plum awful analogy.
Luckily for me, ah got connections here in town, and I know sum folks who fly. I go to hit up Cherry Berry; cherries may be Tirek's abominations, but boy howdy is that mare a cherry good flier! Ha, I made a funny. So I trot on over to Cherry Berry's place, okay fine ah gallop like ahm a sheepdog round'n up them spooked' out fellers, and ah pound on her door at around half past ten. I mighta left a dent in her door but good gravy ain't no crime in being over enthusiastic, y'all hear? And bless her heart, she opens the door and asks straight away what all the ruckus is about and I say I wanna fly in the sky like a bird and if she can take me there? And she dun have the nerve to go and say "hey Applejack, you don't look so good!" and ah reply, "buck you, ah wanna fly in y'alls fancy balloon, ya hear?"
And she bein a fellow pony forever affixed to the ground by the curse of genetics hears my plea and says straight up to me "sure thang sugarcube!" okay maybe she doesn't actually say that it was more like "yeah, I guess if you really want to. That'll be 150 bits" and sure that's a bit expensive but ah really wanna learn to fly just like Tom Petty and post-Waters era Pink Floyd and if yah thank this here pony ain't the type to listen to solid eighties* classic rock why you're as daft as a Flim Flam Brotha thinkin their cider's better'n ours. Besides ah raided Apple Bloom's swear jar and that netted me more than enough 'cause that filly's mouth's dirtier than a griffin's paws after dey swindle you outta --okay bad Applejack stop perpetuatin them nasty stereotypes with your increasingly horrid similes!
Anyway, Apple Bloom curses a lot so ah had plenty of money to pay Cherry Berry with and so soon we was risin' like a buzzard on'n Appallosan thermal! Sittin in her balloon, ah could see the whole lot of Ponyville and soon we were high enough that ah could see the whole lot of our farm land and ah filled with pride like ah'd just gone and won a rodeo and I do reckon ah cried a little but on the outside cause I don't care what mah dear friend Pinkie Pie intones, sometimes a gal just gotta let a few tears out, yaknow? I felt mighty proud in that moment, lookin out o'er all dem apple trees. Darn tootin ah was proud of mah family and mahself. Ah was so proud I didn't even notice how far outa the balloon basket ah was leanin' tryina getta better view and the next think ah knew Cherry Berry screamed like she just found a varmint noshing her cherries and I didn't know why she done gone and yelled like that until I realized mah center of gravity had shifted something fierce and before I could change mah ways ah tipped over outta the basket like cider sloshin outa Rainbow Dash's mug and ah tell yah there's a reason ah make sure she don't get any cider every year because that gal's a lighter weight than this here balloon. Ah guess what ah'm tryna say is that ah fell outta said balloon.
"Fewmets," ah declared.
Now, some folks have takin' to sayin' ah'm full o' dark matter lika miracle tonic's fulla hot air. Or a balloon which I am currently falling from. That also is full of hot air. Anyway, I wanna take a moment to dispell this rediculous idear. Ah am a regular earthpony, through an' through. Regular earth ponies still feel the effects of gravity though. Sure enough within a few seconds ah was fallin' faster than grain prices after that trade deal with the minotaurs fell through.
Ah tooka gander at the swiftly recedin' balloon above me with Cherry Berry hollerin' somethin' fierce, lika cat caught inna cockfight. Ah then turned mah attention to the ground below me which was actin' friendlier than Filthy Rich when he's got his hoof in yar pocket, rushin up to meet me the way it was. I didn't see any pegasi floatin' about, and about then ah came to the conclusion that ah was in a mighty bit o' trouble. See, ah took a few classes back in mah day, and ah remember muh fourth grade science project when ah dropped apples from various heights and measured how squished up they were. Well, at the time, ah didn't have nutin' taller than the town hall with which to conduct mah experiments, but even that was pretty hawd to watch. Well, ah don't need no fancy mathematics to tell you that ah was falling from a mighty lot higher than the town hall, on account of bein' able to see the town hall below over yonder. I figured if ah didn't come up with a solution awful fast, ah was gonna be applesauce in a spell.
Fortunately, ah'm an earth pony, so ah know a few tricks. Sure as gravy, ah channeled all mah magic into mah hind legs, Buckin' MacGillacuddy and Kicks-Magee. and reached out for the ground. Ah aimed mah legs toward it and got ready for the bucking of a life time. Ah was goin mighty fast and ah admit ah was more scared than Fluttershy atta social gathering. Ah clenched mah teeth and squinched mah eyes, putting all my pony power into them rear legs. Ah could sense with mah magic when ah was about to make contact, and ah sureas sugar tensed mah legs and prayed to Celestia I'd get a clean buck.
Bam!
I struck the dirt harder than uh bull hitten the fence atta rodeo, ah tell ya. Greased lightnin' ran through mah nerves, and mah whole world flashed white with pain. Ahm a tough pony, but even ah had mah limits, and faster than Pinkie on a sugar high ah blacked out, unsure if ahd ever wake again.
Well ahm mighty proud to tell y'all ah woke up again, livelier than a tumbleweed ina dust-devil. Sure, mah hooves were pulverized like gypsum in a rock grinder, and mah buckin' legs were fractured in twenty nine places and dislocated from mah now-fractured pelvis, and ah'll probably never trot again and we may lose the farm from mah medical bills alone, but darn tootin', ah'm alive! Ah asked mah gud friend Twailight Spahrkle to go an' fetch me a typerwriter from her place, for ah reckon ahm gonna be in this here hospital bed a mighty long while. But hey, ah can still type with mah front hooves! Yeehaw! Happy caps locks day everypony!
Author's Note:
BUY SOME APPULS!