Chapter 1: These Tea Puns Are Just Tearable
“Oh, you have got to be kidding me.”
Spike tapped the sign with a claw. “Nah, seems real enough to me.” His eyes squinted. “Tirek’s Tea Shop: For All Your Tea Drinking Needs.” Spike scratched his chin, mulling over the exquisitely written cursive lettering while humming under his breath. “Yeah, it’s definitely legit. You just don’t up signage that tasteful without the shop being real.”
Twilight scowled, examining the sign with a scrutinizing eye. This eye then turned its relentless and oftentimes merciless attention to the rest of the shop. It had a fresh coat of paint—lavender, she noticed disdainfully—and delightful yellow shutters the color of the sun’s rays. A few smiley-face murals lined the walls, each one painted with care. There was even a couple of flower pots near the entrance, meant to entice customers with their smell (although the ‘Please Do Not Eat’ sign near them kind of put a hamper on that).
“No, this just can’t be right. How did Tirek even escape Tartarus? He’s supposed to be stuck down there in a jail cell!” Twilight shook her head, staring at the cheery smiles along the wall with a blank look. “How did he even get a shop in Ponyville, anyway?”
Spike shrugged. “Probably because it was for sale and he bought it?”
“Spike, that doesn’t make any sense!” Twilight said, throwing her hooves up in the air.
With a nod, Spike snapped his fingers. “You’re right! How could he be able to afford it? I mean, unless he took out a loan from the bank. But would his credit score even be decent after a thousand year absence? And what bank gives loans out to a tea shop in this type of economy?”
Twilight rolled her eyes, dragging a hoof across her muzzle with an exasperated sigh. “Spike, you’ve been reading those economic textbooks again, haven’t you?”
“Although I suppose the alternative is that he had initial savings acquired for a downpayment on a lease. But that just brings into question on how exactly he—”
Spike’s mouth magically zipped shut.
“In any event, I’m going to investigate this so called tea shop and see exactly what he’s up to.” Twilight glanced back at Spike, who was currently occupied with trying to tug off the magical zipper covering his lips. “You’re fine here, right?”
Giving up his useless struggle, Spike shrugged and leaned against the wall, pulling out a comic book from… uh… somewhere, and flipping through a few pages. He muffled something right as Twilight opened the door.
Twilight rolled her eyes and sighed. “Seriously, Spike, candy again? You had some not even five minutes ago.”
Spike waved his claw dismissively and flapped his comic book in Twilight’s direction.
“You know all that candy will just ruin your dinner. Plus, you are getting a bit pudgy around the edges.”
Spike snickered from behind his zipped lips and grunted a response.
Twilight’s face instantly turned a shade or two redder, now the same color consistency to a bruised tomato. “Oh, I see how it is! We’ll just be having a talk when we get back home, mister, and don’t expect any ice cream for dessert tonight.”
Leaving Spike’s stifled protests behind her, Twilight entered Tirek’s tea shop, expecting the worst: those expectations ranged from malicious torture chamber where the darkest deeds of suffering imaginable took place, or perhaps the shop led to a hole descending to the very lowest pit of Tartarus where malignant evils from before time dwelled and slept, ravenous for the taste of purple pony princess flesh.
Instead, it turned out to be a completely normal tea shop. There was a counter, a wide selection of teas written on a blackboard overhead, a few tables scattered throughout the shop, and even a sign that said free WiFi. Yes indeed, an utterly normal tea shop from top to bottom… except for the maleficent lord of atrocious wrath manning the cashier, AKA Tirek!
“Aha!” Twilight immediately shouted, pointing her accusing hoof of attribution on Tirek.
“Why hello there!” Tirek greeted the newest customer to his shop with a cheery smile. “And what can I do for you today, sweetie?”
“I knew I’d find you here!” Twilight said, racing towards the front counter with her horn already charging a devastating spell.
“Because my name is on the shop?” Tirek asked.
“Well… uh… yes, that, but also the fact that…” Twilight paused and stopped in her tracks. “Actually, yeah, that was my only clue that you were here… which is too bad for you! What type of moronic villain puts his own name on his secret headquarters?”
Tirek shrugged. “I wouldn’t exactly know. Sorry to disappoint you, honey, but I’m not a villain anymore. I sell tea and tea accessories.” Tirek pointed to his beige apron and perky smile on his typically terrifying face. “And I’ll be happy to service you for all your tea-drinking needs.”
Twilight sneered. “Oh, pleeeeeeeeeease. Do you take me for a fool?”
“That’s one of those rhetorical questions, right?” Tirek asked. “If so, then yes. If not, then still yes.”
Twilight put both her hooves on the front counter and leaned over, eye to eye with an incredibly uncomfortable Tirek. “You just think you’re sooooooooo clever, holed up in your cesspool of vileness. But it won’t last!” Twilight slammed her hoof on the counter, causing Tirek to flinch. “You’re going right back to Tartarus where you belong!”
“Actually, I got out on good behavior.”
Twilight’s mouth opened in preparation for another rant, but was immediately closed shut by Tirek’s news suckerpunching her right across the jaw.
“Say what now?”
“Yeah, my sentence time was greatly reduced due to good behavior alone.”
“B-b-ut that doesn’t make… it doesn’t make a shred of sense!” Twilight sputtered, her brain unable to search for the right words to represent her thoughts so her mouth just winged it. “You attempted to take over Equestria. Again! And imprisoned the princesses! And tried to kill me! And not to mention you burned down my library and home.”
Tirek nodded, wiping his face due to Twilight’s spittle flying everywhere. “Yeppers, and in the end all of that added up. Escaping, holding hostages, attempted murder, grand theft magic, arson of both private property and forest fires, and not to mention all those jaywalking charges that seemed to have no end.”
“Yeah! So that should’ve been, like, what, a couple thousand lifetimes at least! But it’s only been a few months and you’re already out!”
“True, true,” Tirek said, tugging slightly at his scraggly white beard. “But like I said, good behavior. It definitely goes a long way. Also, bribery.”
“What could you even bribe the demons… monsters… whatever the guards in Tartarus with?”
Tirek sighed and glanced down at his own reflection in his squeaky clean countertop. “I did a lot of things I regret in prison…”
“Excuse me?”
“So, darling, you going to buy something or what?” Tirek asked, looking back to her with his earlier mellow mood replaced with a plain smile. “If not, come visit another time, because you’re currently holding up the line.”
“What line?” Twilight turned herself around upon Tirek’s pointed finger. There greeting her with disgruntled looks and impatient hoof-tapping was a long line of various townsponies. Also, Spike, who waved to her and was trying without success to shove a lollipop into his mouth. “Oh, that line.”
“As you can see, I’m quite busy and need to deal with all my other customers,” Tirek said, flicking his wrist at her. “So, if you will be so kindly as to—”
“You don’t think I can see this is just some big ploy to take over Equestria again? I know you’re evil, Tirek, and I know you’re just biding your time before trying to destroy us all!”
“Well, you’re right about one thing,” Tirek said. He pointed a thumb to himself, that nefarious grin of his blooming to a horrifying and downright off-hinge grin. “I am evil!” He snickered, pointing to the blackboard overhead. “Evil with my prices, that is. Two bits for a tea bag. Three bits for two! A most devious of all, honey is priced as half a bit per spoonful!”
Twilight gasped. “You… you heartless monster! How could you possibly live with yourself? How do you sleep at night?!”
“On a pillow filled with all of your bits!” Tirek laughed, but then winced and rubbed at his neck. “Which is quite painful, now that I think about it.”
“And these ponies actually want their bits being so heartlessly taken away from them?” Twilight asked him.
Tirek extended his hands to the sizable line already gathered in his shop and pouring out the door. “Just look around you! They can’t get enough! The fools are slaves to my will, and with it, their bits and customer loyalty are mine! All mine! Muhahahahahahaha!”
“Um… excuse me,” Fluttershy said, ever her meek nature as she hesitantly approached the front counter. “C-can I buy some tea, please?”
Tirek cut short his villainous laughter and immediately leaned forward with an affectionate smile quick on his lips. “Why of course, sweetie, anything for an adorable thing like yourself. How can I help you today?”
Fluttershy shared with him a smile of her own and asked, “Do you have any jasmine tea for sale in bulk? I ran out at home and think that—”
"JASMINE?!” Tirek bellowed, nearly, sending Fluttershy across the room with his shout. “JASMINE IS A BLASPHEMY ON THIS WORLD AND SHOULD BE WIPED OUT ALONG WITH YOUR PUTRID INCOMPETENCE AND UNORIGINALITY! YOU SHALL DRINK GREEN TEA MIXED WITH LEMON AND A TOUCH OF BLUEBERRIES AND YOU SHALL LIKE IT OR SO HELP ME I SHALL DESTROY YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU CARE ABOUT!"
Tirek reached under the counter and withdrew a one week supply of the tea he mentioned, all wrapped up in pink packaging with the name of his store and a stylish blue bow arranged on top. "Also, that'll be thirteen bits Have a nice day, darling."
It took a few seconds, but Fluttershy was soon back on all fours and placing the bits carefully on the counter, plus a three bit tip. “Th-thank you. I-I’ll see you next week then.”
Twilight’s jaw was close to touching the floor after witnessing the following proceeding, and just as Fluttershy passed by her Twilight grabbed her shoulder and asked, “Fluttershy, how could you just let him treat you like that?”
Fluttershy set her tea down and merely shrugged. “He’s pretty good at his job, Twilight. His tea tastes are unparalleled.”
“But he’s a complete monster and tried to kill all of us and take over Equestria in the process!”
“Yeah, but Discord wasn’t much better, and look how he turned out,” Fluttershy said. “Now he owns his own Cinnabon stand. You just need to give former villains a chance, Twilight.”
Twilight opened her mouth, but immediately closed it in lieu of processing the information told to her. “Wait… when did Discord open a Cinnabon stand?”
Before Fluttershy could answer, another Tirek rant had just been released to its poor, unfortunate victim.
"BOBA TEA AND BUBBLE TEA ARE NOT THE SAME THING! AND IF YOU EVER, EVEEEEEEER COME INTO MY SHOP AGAIN AND THINK SO I SHALL KNIT YOU A SWEATER MADE FROM YOUR OWN ENTRAILS AND STILL HAVE ENOUGH TO MAKE A PAIR OF MITTENS AND SCARF FOR WHEN THE WINTER COMES AROUND! BECAUSE I DO NOT LIKE THE COLD MONTHS AND KNITTING IS ANOTHER ONE OF MY FEMININE BUT TOTALLY NORMAL PASSIONS!"
Rainbow Dash had been flung across the room while still standing, her mane trailing behind her like she had just gone free falling to the earth from a great height.
"But if you have any questions at all about our wide selection of chai teas which I’m sure you’ll enjoy greatly, please, don't hesitate to ask.” Tirek waved to her and beamed a great big smile that could outdo even the most heartfelt grins. “Have a wonderful day, sweetie."
“Yeah… thanks,” Dash said, still as stunned as can be. Fluttershy had to drag her petrified body out so that the next customer could move up.
“Princess Celestia?” Twilight said, catching sight of her in the middle of the line. “What are you… what are you even doing here?”
Celestia looked down to the floor and sighed. “Whatever it takes to get through the week, Twilight.”
“...What?”
“Normally I despise tea, but with so many dignitaries from across the world visiting my castle for diplomatic pursuits, I’m forced to consume it on a regular basis. For centuries I’ve had to guzzle down a brew I positively loathed.” Celestia shuddered, her face turning noticeably green for a few seconds. “I still have those teapot nightmares to this day… but with Tirek, he knows the perfect blend that I just adore!”
“But… how?”
Celestia pondered this for a moment, then merely shrugged. “Heck if I know. All I do is buy some tea and keep a line of bits going back to Tartarus in the form of bribe money to make sure he doesn’t end up back there anytime soon.”
“But Princess Celestia, that’s illegal! And horribly immoral!”
Celestia nodded. “Tis true, tis true indeed. Buuuuuuut… I really hate tea, so this works out for everyone’s benefit. Tirek isn’t even harmful to anypony, just look at him.”
“What was that, sweetie-pie?” Tirek asked, leaning closer to his customer with a hand cupped around his ear. “Speak louder, honey-bunch, I can’t hear you properly.”
Spike yelled out his order in muffled shouts with both his claws cupped around his still zipped shut mouth.
“OKAY, FIRST UP THERE IS NO NEED TO USE THAT TYPE OF LANGUAGE IN A RESPECTFUL PLACE OF BUSINESS, YOUNG MAN! SECONDLY, LAVENDER TEA IS HERESY! COMPLETE AND UTTER HERESY! I SHOULD RIP OUT YOUR THROAT AND CAST YOU IN THE DEEPEST PIT OF TARTARUS FOR SAYING, NEIGH, EVEN THINKING THAT WOULD BE AN APPROPRIATE TEA FLAVOR! IF YOU HAD ENOUGH INTELLIGENCE TO EVEN COMPREHEND THE HERETICAL AND DOWNRIGHT MORONIC WAYS OF YOUR THINKING I WOULD EXPLAIN THEM TO YOU NOW, BUT SINCE YOU SEEM TO ENJOY LAVENDER TEA, I WON’T EVEN BOTHER! YOU SHALL DRINK PEPPERMINT TEA WITH EXTRA SUGAR AND HONEY AND FROM THIS DAY FORTH NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT LAVENDER TEA, OR ELSE I’LL BURN DOWN YOUR HOUSE ONCE MORE, AND WITH YOU IN IT!”
Tirek dropped a pink paper bag containing the tea on top of the table. Spike picked it up off the counter, looking plainly at the loudmouthed tea terrorizer tyrant that was Tirek.
“Anything else I can get you, darling?” Tirek asked.
Spike responded with a few subdued mutters.
“Why, of course, sweetie, anything for a cute lil kiddie like yourself.” Tirek pulled out a lollipop from beneath the counter and handed it over to Spike, who gleefully grabbed it with his greedy little mitts. “That’d be three bits.”
Spike protested by throwing his hands back and shouting as much as his sealed lips would allow him.
“Well, darling, I need to make a living here, and that lollipop cost you another bit,” Tirek explained. His eyes were sympathetic to Spike’s plight, but did not give into the tiny dragon’s tantrum. “Now please, pay up BEFORE I DESTROY YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU EVER CARED ABOUT IN THIS WORLD!”
Spike dropped his bits disgruntledly on the counter and stomped out of the tea shop, murmuring darkly under his breath.
Twilight approached the counter again, with Pinkie—the next up in line—currently fuming with impatience behind her.
"So wait, if you're so good with telling which tea somepony would like, why didn't you just open up a tea shop a thousand years ago?"
Tired shrugged, adjusting his fashionable apron while wiping down his counter of the usual spittle discharge. "Oh, you know, the usual. I originally came to Equestria to buy a lease on a kiosk to sell tea at. Everypony started screaming when they saw me. I burned down a village or two along the way. Then it turned out the kiosks were waaaaaay overpriced. So... evil overlord was looking pretty good at that point as a career choice."
“Evil overlording business was on the rise back then?”
“Well, duh. Just look at Sombra, Nightmare Moon, Discord,” Tirek said, counting off on one hand. “All in the same decade or so, too. It was a really hot career way back when. Then, of course, the recession and resulting stagflation really put a damper on it.” Tirek sniffed and closed his eyes, slowly shaking his head. “Evil overlord after evil overlord just had to close up shop all across the world. Dark times, my friend, dark times indeed. They had to sell their doomsday magical items just to make ends meet. Some even had to lease themselves as heroes or even janitors just to avoid bankruptcy. Others had it much worse, and lost everything they owned. I couldn’t even count on two hands the number of evil headquarters located in volcanoes that were foreclosed.”
“Awww, I’m terribly sorry about,” Twilight said.
“Thanks. It’s been so long, but the wounds still dig deep.” Tirek slapped a hand on his counter and grinned. “So, what’ll it be, or do I have to dismember you for taking my precious time, sweetie-pie?”
“Hmmm… well, now that you mention it I think I’ll take some Earl Grey tea if you have any in sto—”
“EARLY GREY TEA? DO MY EARS DECEIVE ME OR WAS I STRUCK MOMENTARILY DEAF WHEN THE NAME OF SUCH A VILE ABOMINATION ESCAPED YOUR LIPS? HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY COME INTO MY SHOP AND TELL ME THAT YOU WANT EARL TASTES-LIKE-DIRT-COVERED-IN-EVEN-MORE-DIRT GREY TEEEEEEEEEEEA? IF I WASN’T SUCH A BENEVOLENT SOUL I’D STRIKE DOWN YOUR INCOMPETENT IDEALS AT THIS VERY MOMENT AND THROW YOUR PUTRID OPINIONS RIGHT OUTSIDE MY DOOR! BUT INSTEAD I’M GOING TO RECOMMEND YOU SOME PEACH TEA WITH EXTRA HONEY AND A DASH OF LEMONS! AND IF I EVER HEAR THE NAME OF EARL LITERALLY-WORSE-THAN-ANY-TORTURE-OR-TRAGEDY-POSSIBLE GREY TEEEEEEEEEEEEEA EVER AGAIN, I SHALL BRING RUIN UPON THIS MORTAL REALM AND TURN IT INTO AN UNENDING EXISTENCE OF PAIN AND SUFFERING THAT WOULD MAKE TARTARUS LOOK LIKE A TROPICAL PARADISE YOU BUY OVERPRICED TIMESHARES FOR TO VISIT TWO WEEKS OUT OF THE YEAR!”
Twilight had been blown out the shop and was lying in an open garbage can right across the street. Quietly she muttered while still dazed and quite confused, “G-great, that s-s-sounds wonderful. I’ll take t-two, p-please.”
“Thank you for your service, darling,” Tirek said from the front counter. “Will you need anything else today, sweetie?”
“I think one of my legs is broken.”
“Ugh, fine, I’ll call an ambulance.” Tirek picked up the phone and started punching in the number for emergency services. “By the way, honey, your total comes to two bits and a half.”
“But I thought it only cost two bits?”
“Not when I have to call an ambulance it doesn’t.”
Twilight could already feel the bits burning away inside her… wherever ponies keep spare change around. “Noooooo. Nooooooooooooooo.” She shed a single tear, knowing what the future would bring. She’d go to the tea shop, that was assured, but from then on in she’d be trapped; trapped in the world of overpriced teas of exceptional qualities, but still, overpriced all the same. Bit by bit she’d be bamboozled of her money and will be left with nothing but tea. Extremely good tea, that is a given, but expensive tea nonetheless. And there was nothing she could do to stop it. Nothing at all. “You monster. You tea-selling monster.”
Tirek laughed as he picked up the receiver, his victory already assured.
“Baby I know it! Muhahahahahahahahaha—oh, yes, I’d like to place a collect call for an ambulance.” Tirek waited, then nodded. “Yes, the tea shop again.” He nodded once more. “Yes, another broken leg…” Tirek pulled the receiver away from his face and called out to Twilight, “You’re not gonna sue, right?”
“Uh… no?”
He returned his mouth to the receiver. “NO I DIDN’T, GOOOOOOOOOOSH!”