Twilight has to deal with the hardest enemy anypony can face in their life: Customer Service
Twilight encounters her greatest enemy, a villain more vile than Chrysalis, more slippery than Discord and darker than Nightmare Moon. The villain is known throughout Equestria as: Customer Service
[Note: Music component in story is entirely optional] ---------- There's a small little easter egg inside. Let's see if anyone can find it ^^ ---------- Credits and Inspiration!
Inspiration from a comment made by BCSpore on the video above
Cover art from My Little Pony Wiki from the episode Lesson Zero ---------- Author's Notes: What happens when you're bored out of your mind in the middle of class and have that song played on repeat after looking at a awesome comment? This. That's what.
This is possibly the fastest, craziest and most random fanfic I have ever written. The idea wouldn't get out of my head so I did what any self-respecting writer would do: Make the craziest fanfic I could think of. I also used it to see what it would be like to do most of the story in uninterrupted dialogue. Regardless I hope you all enjoy this piece of...whatever this is.
Twilight picked up the device which sat on the table in front of her. Levitating it with her magic, she flipped the device around, revealing its ten buttons which were numbered from ‘0’ to ‘9’. The unicorn levitated a large package in front of her, reading off the label pasted at the top of the cardboard box.
“Cloudsdale’s Customer Service: Dial 20266537.” As she read the numbers, her telekinesis simultaneously pressed the numbers accordingly on the odd object she levitated. Pressing the last digit, she levitated the rectangular device to her right ear and was immediately met with a ringing tone.
The ringing tone lasted for a few seconds before a *click* sound filled her ears.
"Hello. You have reached the Cloudsdale Weather Factory Customer Service line. Please hold while we get a representative.”
Twilight was pleasantly surprised by the tune that resonated from the phone. It was a calming song, yet it seemed so familiar to her. She found herself drifting her head in time with the music, a slight smile on her face.
However, this wasn’t the case as time started to drag on. Her smile quickly vanished into a frown as the repetitive music grated her ears.
“Won’t somepony pick up already!?” She screamed into the object at her ear but she soon realized that nopony could hear her cries.
Suddenly, a robotic voice appeared from the opposite end.
“Well, it’s about time! I need he-”
“Your call is very important to us. Please hold.”
When Twilight realized what the voice said, her head slumped onto her table as anger started filling her.
“How long does it take to answer one simple call!?” Twilight’s patience wore thin, her nostrils flared with each breath she took.
“It’s almost been ten minutes! When Pinkie gave me this device she never told me tha-”
*click*
“Hello there. My name’s Cloudchaser and I am a representative of the Cloudsdale Weather Factory. How may I assist you this fine day?”
Much to the dismay of Twilight, the repeating music did not pause, only turning softer as the mare on the other line spoke.
“Yes. I ordered a certain device from Cloudsdale a few days ago and lately I-”
“Now may I ask how did you order this device and what this device may be?”
“Well I ordered it from the mail. I sent my order form in for my-”
“Well, Miss Sparkle I’m going to have to redirect your call to the ‘Mail Order’ line. Would you please hold?”
“Yeah, sure. Wait a minute… how’d you know my na-”
*click*
Twilight was rudely interrupted as the elevator music intensified yet again, filling her ears with the same 50 second loop which played endlessly.
“You have got to be kidding me…” Twilight bitterly told herself.
‘Stay calm Twilight. Everything will work once we get to the Mail Order line. No way this can go wrong.’
The next few minutes was the most painful minutes Twilight had ever experienced. She wanted to leave the phone for a minute but the fear of another pony picking up as she did so forced her to stay on the line. As last she heard the familiar sound
*click*
“Hi there! I’m Thunderdome! I’m part of the ‘Mail Order’ line. Would you please state your problem?”
“Finally! I ordered the ‘Cloudsdale Cloud Maker’ and when it came to my place, it didn’t even work!”
“Hmm, what seems to be the problem?”
Twilight took the package in her hoof, turning around and pouring the contents on the floor. Various broken pieces scattered the ground of her library.
“It came in pieces!”
“Pieces you say? And it doesn’t work?”
Twilight couldn’t believe her ears.
“O-Of course it doesn’t! It’s shattered! It’s broken!”
“Hmm, interesting. Have you tried turning it off and on again?”
“W-What!? Are you even listening to the words I’m saying!? It’s. Broken. It doesn’t work!”
“I really suggest flipping the power switch up and down. Who knows, it might solve something!”
Twilight stomped up to the pile of broken pieces, scavenging through the various pieces until she found a small part with a tiny flick-switch and the words ‘On’ scribbled above and a ‘Off’ scribbled below. Flipping it once, it came as no surprise that it did absolutely nothing, considering that it wasn’t even remotely attached to any other parts.
“Hey. What do you know? It didn’t work.”
“Now that is definitely a problem. I’m afraid I’m going to have to direct your call to the ‘Cloudsdale Cloud Maker, The-On-switch-doesn’t-work-and-I-need-help’ line.”
“No wait! Don’t you dare-” But it was too late as the familiar tune continued its loop.
Twilight’s left eye twitched uncontrollably, her mane frazzled from the long minutes of waiting. The song had started to implant itself into her mind, much to her frustration and hatred.
*click*
“Okay! That’s it! I don’t care who you are but if you dare hang up on me again I swear on Celestia’s life that you will wish that you were sent to the moon.”
“Twilight?” The familiar raspy voice of the mare over the line caught her attention.
“Wait. Rainbow!? What in Equestria are you doing there!?”
“Oh hey Twilight! I work here when I have nothing to do. It’s so funny to see the customers freak out over the smallest-”
“Rainbow…”
“Oh right! So what’s the problem, Twi?”
“P-Problem? What’s my problem!? How about what’s the company’s problem!?”
“What’s wrong Twi?”
“I ordered the ‘Cloudsdale Cloud Maker’ from your company and it came in one hundred pieces! I called to get help but for the past hour, I’ve spent more than fifty minutes waiting! Not only that but the guy before you even dared to suggest to me to turn it off and on again!”
“So turning it Off and On didn’t work?”
“Rainbow!!!!”
“Okay okay, hmm… have you tried assembling it?”
“A-A-Assembling it?”
“Well, yeah! It’s self-assembly Twi! You did know that right?”
“W-Well…no.” Twilight blushed heavily, swearing that anypony could feel it through the phone. “I’m so sorry Rainbow, I didn’t know.”
“Hey! No problem. Well since you’re here why don’t I guide you through the process of fixing the cloud maker?”
“Y-You would do that?”
“Yeah sure. It’s not like I have anything better to do with my time.” There was a slight pause before Rainbow spoke again. “Okay so first you need the Particle Absolution Reticle Type elimYnator”
“The what-the-what now?”
“The large piece of metal with the words P.A.R.T.Y written on it.”
Twilight reached down to the pile, pulling out a huge piece of metal at the bottom with the word PARTY crudely spray-painted on the top.
“Umm… I think I got it.”
“Good now you need the Material Abort Giant Incineration Cannon”
“The Material what-you-ma-call-it?”
“That big nozzle with the words MAGIC on it.”
“Hmm… ah! Here it is!” Twilight lifted up a long thin nozzle with an old, worn out sticker which had the words ‘MAGIC’”
“Great now fit those two together.”
After a few seconds of fiddling with the parts, Twilight finally managed to get them to fit.
“Great. One step down, two hundred and ninty-two steps left to go.”
“Huh? Oh no way! Come on, this might take a while. Step two, find the Great Enhancement Neutron…”
---------
At last, in front of Twilight sat a majestic device. Gleaming under the candlelight as night had fallen in the time it took to assemble the item. The shiny object conveyed a sense of accomplishment in the unicorn.
“Ahh… Finally!” Twilight sighed in satisfaction
“Okay now give it a whirl.”
“Okay!” Twilight trotted excitedly towards the huge machine, leaning down to a small switch found at the back of the ‘death ray’-like device. As soon as the switch was flipped upwards, Twilight stood back and marveled as the machine roared to life with small bits of blue energy filling the tip of the device.
And as the unicorn gazed in awe at her machine, she could only imagine the quality of clouds it would produce. However, the machine performed as well as one might think when its back had the word ‘GENEROSITY’ scribbled in crayon. This means to say it spontaneously combusted right in front of the unicorn, blowing shards of metal all over the room and covering the mare in a layer of ash while frazzling her mane.
“R-Rainbow…It broke…” Twilight said through the phone in a monotonous voice.
“Hmm that’s strange, have you tried turning it on and off again?”
Twilight’s left eye begun twitching, a twisted smile appearing on her face.
“Yes Rainbow. It works. Thank you.” Twilight launched the phone out of her window, letting it crash to the ground in a million pieces.
The unicorn trotted back to the shattered pieces that lay all over the library. As Twilight walked up to the switch, which was still stuck in the ‘On’ position a short distance away from the explosion, she reached for it, flicking it back down into the ‘Off’ with a soft…
Twilight sighed softly as her eyes gazed upon the instructions one more time. She glanced past the pictures, past the paragraphs upon paragraphs of instructions until she arrived at the final page. One that showed exactly what the bookshelf was supposed to look like.
She had ordered this very funiture from Cloudsdale, as it was a limited edition product. What’s more, the fluffy shelves were perfect for holding more fragile and sensitive documents. Like scrolls from Princess Celestia. Or the secrets of magic. Maybe even that recipe to that amazing molten egg-yolk cake Pinkie passed to her.
Either way, no books nor scrolls were being displayed on the bookshelf. As it laid on the floor in a pile of unassembled pieces. Twilight glanced at the pack of clouds and referred back to the diagram.
“Step 45. Craft the cloud pieces with the sky hook shown in step 22, before moving to step 46. Note: Make sure you remember step 33.1 and 21.44 about…” Twilight muttered out loud, but she quickly let out a loud groan before letting the book fall to the ground with an audible ‘thud’.
Her eyes caught quick glances at the phone which sat on her table. No, don’t even think about it. You know what happened last time. She turned back to the disheveled mess of shelves that were on her floor and sighed once more. On the one hoof, I never want to call customer service as long as I live. But on the other hoof, I really want this shelf to be done. After a moment of deliberation, she quickly rubbed her temple with her hoof and levitated the phone to her ear.
I’m going to regret this.
----------
“Welcome to Cloudsdale Furniture and Packing Customer Service!” The cheerful voice spoke. Sounds like the mare speaking is being held hostage…
“If you wish to tell us your name, press 1. If you wish to tell us your full name, press 2. If you wish to tell us about your pets, press 3.” The voice continued to drone on. Twilight patiently waited, listening to the voice list numbers. Her focus faded multiple times, worrying her, as there was a small chance she had missed her number. Until finally the voice spoke, “if you wish to get help about assembling a furniture you bought, press 71.”
Twilight rapidly dialed the two numbers, hearing the familiar elevator jazz music come through the phone. Ironically, while the music was made to calm customers, hearing it once more only surfaced the rage she felt when she last dealt with their ‘service’. She waited. And waited. And waited, until what seemed like an eternity. And she swore the droning tune was killing at least twenty points from her IQ. She checked the clock, realizing it had been barely five minutes.
Suddenly, a ‘click’ sound echoed through the earpiece, causing Twilight to perk her ears up. “Hello!?”
“...Welcome to Cloudsdale Furniture and Packing Customer Service! How can I help you?”
Oh no… she recognized that raspy voice from anywhere. “R-Rainbow?”
“Twilight!? Oh hey! What brings you calling?”
Twilight had already slammed her hoof firmly into her face. “Oh...nothing.” She sighed.
“Alright then, see ya!” Rainbow quickly replied.
“No wait! Stop!” Twilight screamed, catching Rainbow a millisecond before she hung up.
“Yeah? What’s up?”
“I… I bought a bookshelf from Cloudsdale, and I need some help assembling it.” Twilight whispered under her breath.
“You...need help? Assembling a bookshelf? ...Twilight Sparkle right?” Rainbow’s voice cracked, no doubt on the verge of laughter.
Twilight gritted her teeth, slight anger building up within her. “Alright! Yes! Now before you break out into hysterics, can we just get this over and done with? I need to get organizing as soon as possible!”
“Alright alright! Jeez, some customers…” The sound of ruffling paper could be heard, until Rainbow spoke once more. “Mind if I ask a few questions first?”
“No, no. Go ahead.” Twilight paced around the mess that was on her floor, lifting up one shelf panel before letting it fall silently back down.
“Alright, so you’re having problems with our product right?”
“Yeah?”
“Well, have you tried turning it on and off again?”
Twilight’s eyebrows furrowed, and she could hear the gears in her mind spark and stop working. She levitated the phone away from her face and stared at the speaker in disbelief. You’re peeving kidding me right now, right? One small breath to calm herself later, she pulled the phone back. “Y-yes… yes I have.”
“Oh, and that didn’t work?” Rainbow asked, accompanied with the sound of a pencil scribbling.
Twilight massaged her head with her hoof, feeling another five points of her IQ evaporate. “N-no, no it didn’t.”
“Oh well, that’s a shame. Anyway, next question, have you tried putting it back together again?”
“B-back together? It wasn’t even put together!” Twilight felt her anger rising fast. She gasped for a breath of air, attempting to quell the rising flames.
“Oh, then maybe I’m not the right department for this. Let me transfer you.”
“Rainbow Dash don’t you da—” But her words fell on deaf ears. The ‘calming’ music once again picked back up as Twilight levitated the pillow to her face, screaming into it.
----------
The music cut out after another ten minutes, being replaced by a voice. “Miss Twilight Sparkle right?”
Twilight could not believe the voice that was coming through the receiver. “...Rainbow Dash. Is that you? ...Again?”
“Yup!”
“But, but you said you’d redirect me to another call! Another department! Why is it still you!?” She yelled.
"Psh, I work both departments! I need to make enough money for Tank’s slippers of me! Anyway, let’s not dwell on that. Instead, let’s start assembling the shelves!” Twilight wanted to keep the argument going, but knew that it was only to her disadvantage.
“Yeah...yeah let’s.” She resigned herself to her fate.
“Which step are you at now?”
“...Z-zero.” Twilight spoke in a soft tone.
“D-did you say zero? You haven’t even completed step one?” This time, it was Rainbow’s turn to speak in disbelief.
Twilight flipped open her book, noticing that step one read ‘Open the book’. “O-oh no wait, just completed step one.”
“Uh...uh huh… T-then let’s proceed to step two!”
“Step two huh?” She glanced at the next page, watching it read ‘unbox the shelves.’ “No no wait, step two is done too.”
“D-did you even read the instructions!?” Rainbow shouted from the other end of the line.
Twilight blushed. “W-well, I...usually I’m able to figure things out! I didn’t think to read the first...few pages!” Even though Rainbow couldn’t see, her cheeks were burning a bright red.
“Ugh alright alright, let’s go through this slowly…”
----------
“So, how’s it looking?”
Twilight took a step back, staring at the one shelf bookcase in front of her. To her surprise, it looked pretty good! Though she had two more shelves to go. She checked the time, noting that about two hours had already passed. A sigh escaped her lips.
“Looks...alright. Got one shelf done, though does it usually take this long?” Twilight stared at the instruction booklet, noting that she had gone through 25 steps already.
“You want amazing top quality furniture right? With shelves so soft they cradle your books?”
“Well, yeah but—”
“And amazing durability, so it’s a buy one offer? Guaranteed satisfaction?” Rainbow’s voice grew louder with every word.
“Um, obviously. I mean—”
“Then you need look no further than the Cloudsdale…” Rainbow’s voice suddenly went silent.
“Rainbow?” Twilight asked, shaking her phone a little.
“Cloudsdale’s… aw mare how do you read this word? It’s all smudged…” Rainbow unknowingly thought out loud.
Twilight smacked a hoof to her forehead. “Rainbow I already bought the bookshelf you know?”
“Oh… Oh right.” Rainbow chuckled nervously. “A-anyway, on to shelf number two!”
Twilight groaned, but knew that there was no going back now that she had gotten so far.
----------
“Alright, so the second shelf is installed?” Rainbow questioned.
“Yup, perfect. Thanks again for the help, Rainbow.” Twilight glanced at the two-shelved furniture in front of her.
“Okay so… let me see… is it working now?”
“...W-what?” Twilight stammered out the only reply that came into her mind.
“Well, have we solved your issue with...quickness, punctuality and… kindness?”
“R-Rainbow the...the bookshelf is three shelves tall.” Was the best reply that Twilight could muster. Her mind was a whirlwind of ‘what’ at the moment.
“Mmhm, I see. Are you sure flicking the on and off switch did not work?”
The phone flew across the air, but was stopped just inches away from the wall. She levitated it back to her ear, and took another deep breath. “Rainbow Dash! I’m not sure what’s gotten into you but our work here is far from over! I still have the third shelf to assemble! It shouldn’t even be this hard! I conquer friendship problems on a weekly basis and—”
“Uh huh. Okay, hold on just a moment.” Twilight felt her left eye twitch with such force, she was sure it made an audible sound. “Alright, I’m back Twi. What did I miss?”
“You’re...back? You didn’t go anywhere!” Twilight screamed, her patience wearing thin.
“Oh, didn’t I tell you? I was dealing with a different customer!” Rainbow cheerfully exclaimed.
“W-what!? No you didn’t! Wait, you deal with several customers at once!?”
“Oops. My bad. And yeah, I need to pay for those giant statues of me they’re building in my home somehow.” If pride was a physical object, Twilight would swore it would be oozing from the phone at this very moment. “So, third shelf?” Another echo of ruffling papers came through the mic. Twilight glanced at the clock, knowing she would never make her appointment with Pinkie Pie now.
“Yeah sure, third shelf.”
“Alright, take the shelf with a symbol of a blueberry pastry on it and refer to step 3.14159.”
Twilight did as she was told, placing the shelf on top of the existing walls. The sooner I get this done the sooner I can start organizing.
----------
Finally! Twilight levitated the final screw, twisting it in place with a swift turn of her screwdriver. She took a step back, admiring the shelf in all of its glory. 113 steps later, it was finally finished.
“Whew! Does it look alright?”
“Yeah! It looks...great actually!” Twilight grinned. “I’m shocked. Thanks for...actually being of such a great help Rainbow.”
“Oh hey, no prob— wait what did you mean you’re shocked?”
Twilight gave a worried giggle. “Ah ha… n-nothing! Nothing at all! Anyway, I better get to organizing! Talk to you later Rainbow!” She floated a book over with a hum.
“...Wait. Twilight wait, don’t—!”
But it was too late. As soon as the book touched the cloud shelf, the entire furniture crumbled onto the ground. The six hours of hard work, undone in an instant. It was as if she had not even started in the first place.
“...Well, been fun talking to you Twi! Bye!”
“RAINBOW DA—” Before she could even finish her scream, a click interrupted her. Her only reply was the drawn out and mocking beep of the call. Twilight sat on the floor, twitching with her mane disheveled. She silently levitated the instruction sheet over, flipping to the final page and noticing step 114.
‘Step 114: Ensure that the final make-sure-the-whole-bookshelf-doesn’t-tumble-when-you-put-your-first-book-on-it-you-purple-unicorn screw is secure at the back of the shelf.’
She simply stopped levitating the instruction sheet, letting it collapse onto the floor in front of her. A voice soon came over the receiver of the phone.
“We hoped you enjoyed the services of Cloudsdale’s Furniture and Packing Service! Please rate our service, press 1 for good to 9 for ‘absolutely Rainbow Dash-tastic’!” The unicorn lifted her hoof and pressed lightly on the number 9, before flinging the phone out of the window, staring at the pile of wasted time in front of her.
