"Have you tried turning it Off and On again?"

by Deathscar

"Have you tried putting it back together again?"

Twilight sighed softly as her eyes gazed upon the instructions one more time. She glanced past the pictures, past the paragraphs upon paragraphs of instructions until she arrived at the final page. One that showed exactly what the bookshelf was supposed to look like.

She had ordered this very funiture from Cloudsdale, as it was a limited edition product. What’s more, the fluffy shelves were perfect for holding more fragile and sensitive documents. Like scrolls from Princess Celestia. Or the secrets of magic. Maybe even that recipe to that amazing molten egg-yolk cake Pinkie passed to her.

Either way, no books nor scrolls were being displayed on the bookshelf. As it laid on the floor in a pile of unassembled pieces. Twilight glanced at the pack of clouds and referred back to the diagram.

“Step 45. Craft the cloud pieces with the sky hook shown in step 22, before moving to step 46. Note: Make sure you remember step 33.1 and 21.44 about…” Twilight muttered out loud, but she quickly let out a loud groan before letting the book fall to the ground with an audible ‘thud’.

Her eyes caught quick glances at the phone which sat on her table. No, don’t even think about it. You know what happened last time. She turned back to the disheveled mess of shelves that were on her floor and sighed once more. On the one hoof, I never want to call customer service as long as I live. But on the other hoof, I really want this shelf to be done. After a moment of deliberation, she quickly rubbed her temple with her hoof and levitated the phone to her ear.

I’m going to regret this.

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“Welcome to Cloudsdale Furniture and Packing Customer Service!” The cheerful voice spoke. Sounds like the mare speaking is being held hostage…

“If you wish to tell us your name, press 1. If you wish to tell us your full name, press 2. If you wish to tell us about your pets, press 3.” The voice continued to drone on. Twilight patiently waited, listening to the voice list numbers. Her focus faded multiple times, worrying her, as there was a small chance she had missed her number. Until finally the voice spoke, “if you wish to get help about assembling a furniture you bought, press 71.”

Twilight rapidly dialed the two numbers, hearing the familiar elevator jazz music come through the phone. Ironically, while the music was made to calm customers, hearing it once more only surfaced the rage she felt when she last dealt with their ‘service’. She waited. And waited. And waited, until what seemed like an eternity. And she swore the droning tune was killing at least twenty points from her IQ. She checked the clock, realizing it had been barely five minutes.

Suddenly, a ‘click’ sound echoed through the earpiece, causing Twilight to perk her ears up. “Hello!?”

“...Welcome to Cloudsdale Furniture and Packing Customer Service! How can I help you?”

Oh no… she recognized that raspy voice from anywhere. “R-Rainbow?”

“Twilight!? Oh hey! What brings you calling?”

Twilight had already slammed her hoof firmly into her face. “Oh...nothing.” She sighed.

“Alright then, see ya!” Rainbow quickly replied.

“No wait! Stop!” Twilight screamed, catching Rainbow a millisecond before she hung up.

“Yeah? What’s up?”

“I… I bought a bookshelf from Cloudsdale, and I need some help assembling it.” Twilight whispered under her breath.

“You...need help? Assembling a bookshelf? ...Twilight Sparkle right?” Rainbow’s voice cracked, no doubt on the verge of laughter.

Twilight gritted her teeth, slight anger building up within her. “Alright! Yes! Now before you break out into hysterics, can we just get this over and done with? I need to get organizing as soon as possible!”

“Alright alright! Jeez, some customers…” The sound of ruffling paper could be heard, until Rainbow spoke once more. “Mind if I ask a few questions first?”

“No, no. Go ahead.” Twilight paced around the mess that was on her floor, lifting up one shelf panel before letting it fall silently back down.

“Alright, so you’re having problems with our product right?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, have you tried turning it on and off again?”

Twilight’s eyebrows furrowed, and she could hear the gears in her mind spark and stop working. She levitated the phone away from her face and stared at the speaker in disbelief. You’re peeving kidding me right now, right? One small breath to calm herself later, she pulled the phone back. “Y-yes… yes I have.”

“Oh, and that didn’t work?” Rainbow asked, accompanied with the sound of a pencil scribbling.

Twilight massaged her head with her hoof, feeling another five points of her IQ evaporate. “N-no, no it didn’t.”

“Oh well, that’s a shame. Anyway, next question, have you tried putting it back together again?”

“B-back together? It wasn’t even put together!” Twilight felt her anger rising fast. She gasped for a breath of air, attempting to quell the rising flames.

“Oh, then maybe I’m not the right department for this. Let me transfer you.”

“Rainbow Dash don’t you da—” But her words fell on deaf ears. The ‘calming’ music once again picked back up as Twilight levitated the pillow to her face, screaming into it.

----------

The music cut out after another ten minutes, being replaced by a voice. “Miss Twilight Sparkle right?”

Twilight could not believe the voice that was coming through the receiver. “...Rainbow Dash. Is that you? ...Again?”

“Yup!”

“But, but you said you’d redirect me to another call! Another department! Why is it still you!?” She yelled.

"Psh, I work both departments! I need to make enough money for Tank’s slippers of me! Anyway, let’s not dwell on that. Instead, let’s start assembling the shelves!” Twilight wanted to keep the argument going, but knew that it was only to her disadvantage.

“Yeah...yeah let’s.” She resigned herself to her fate.

“Which step are you at now?”

“...Z-zero.” Twilight spoke in a soft tone.

“D-did you say zero? You haven’t even completed step one?” This time, it was Rainbow’s turn to speak in disbelief.

Twilight flipped open her book, noticing that step one read ‘Open the book’. “O-oh no wait, just completed step one.”

“Uh...uh huh… T-then let’s proceed to step two!”

“Step two huh?” She glanced at the next page, watching it read ‘unbox the shelves.’ “No no wait, step two is done too.”

“D-did you even read the instructions!?” Rainbow shouted from the other end of the line.

Twilight blushed. “W-well, I...usually I’m able to figure things out! I didn’t think to read the first...few pages!” Even though Rainbow couldn’t see, her cheeks were burning a bright red.

“Ugh alright alright, let’s go through this slowly…”

----------

“So, how’s it looking?”

Twilight took a step back, staring at the one shelf bookcase in front of her. To her surprise, it looked pretty good! Though she had two more shelves to go. She checked the time, noting that about two hours had already passed. A sigh escaped her lips.

“Looks...alright. Got one shelf done, though does it usually take this long?” Twilight stared at the instruction booklet, noting that she had gone through 25 steps already.

“You want amazing top quality furniture right? With shelves so soft they cradle your books?”

“Well, yeah but—”

“And amazing durability, so it’s a buy one offer? Guaranteed satisfaction?” Rainbow’s voice grew louder with every word.

“Um, obviously. I mean—”

“Then you need look no further than the Cloudsdale…” Rainbow’s voice suddenly went silent.

“Rainbow?” Twilight asked, shaking her phone a little.

“Cloudsdale’s… aw mare how do you read this word? It’s all smudged…” Rainbow unknowingly thought out loud.

Twilight smacked a hoof to her forehead. “Rainbow I already bought the bookshelf you know?”

“Oh… Oh right.” Rainbow chuckled nervously. “A-anyway, on to shelf number two!”

Twilight groaned, but knew that there was no going back now that she had gotten so far.

----------

“Alright, so the second shelf is installed?” Rainbow questioned.

“Yup, perfect. Thanks again for the help, Rainbow.” Twilight glanced at the two-shelved furniture in front of her.

“Okay so… let me see… is it working now?”

“...W-what?” Twilight stammered out the only reply that came into her mind.

“Well, have we solved your issue with...quickness, punctuality and… kindness?”

“R-Rainbow the...the bookshelf is three shelves tall.” Was the best reply that Twilight could muster. Her mind was a whirlwind of ‘what’ at the moment.

“Mmhm, I see. Are you sure flicking the on and off switch did not work?”

The phone flew across the air, but was stopped just inches away from the wall. She levitated it back to her ear, and took another deep breath. “Rainbow Dash! I’m not sure what’s gotten into you but our work here is far from over! I still have the third shelf to assemble! It shouldn’t even be this hard! I conquer friendship problems on a weekly basis and—”

“Uh huh. Okay, hold on just a moment.” Twilight felt her left eye twitch with such force, she was sure it made an audible sound. “Alright, I’m back Twi. What did I miss?”

“You’re...back? You didn’t go anywhere!” Twilight screamed, her patience wearing thin.

“Oh, didn’t I tell you? I was dealing with a different customer!” Rainbow cheerfully exclaimed.

“W-what!? No you didn’t! Wait, you deal with several customers at once!?”

“Oops. My bad. And yeah, I need to pay for those giant statues of me they’re building in my home somehow.” If pride was a physical object, Twilight would swore it would be oozing from the phone at this very moment. “So, third shelf?” Another echo of ruffling papers came through the mic. Twilight glanced at the clock, knowing she would never make her appointment with Pinkie Pie now.

“Yeah sure, third shelf.”

“Alright, take the shelf with a symbol of a blueberry pastry on it and refer to step 3.14159.”

Twilight did as she was told, placing the shelf on top of the existing walls. The sooner I get this done the sooner I can start organizing.

----------

Finally! Twilight levitated the final screw, twisting it in place with a swift turn of her screwdriver. She took a step back, admiring the shelf in all of its glory. 113 steps later, it was finally finished.

“Whew! Does it look alright?”

“Yeah! It looks...great actually!” Twilight grinned. “I’m shocked. Thanks for...actually being of such a great help Rainbow.”

“Oh hey, no prob— wait what did you mean you’re shocked?”

Twilight gave a worried giggle. “Ah ha… n-nothing! Nothing at all! Anyway, I better get to organizing! Talk to you later Rainbow!” She floated a book over with a hum.

“...Wait. Twilight wait, don’t—!”

But it was too late. As soon as the book touched the cloud shelf, the entire furniture crumbled onto the ground. The six hours of hard work, undone in an instant. It was as if she had not even started in the first place.

“...Well, been fun talking to you Twi! Bye!”

“RAINBOW DA—” Before she could even finish her scream, a click interrupted her. Her only reply was the drawn out and mocking beep of the call. Twilight sat on the floor, twitching with her mane disheveled. She silently levitated the instruction sheet over, flipping to the final page and noticing step 114.

‘Step 114: Ensure that the final make-sure-the-whole-bookshelf-doesn’t-tumble-when-you-put-your-first-book-on-it-you-purple-unicorn screw is secure at the back of the shelf.’

She simply stopped levitating the instruction sheet, letting it collapse onto the floor in front of her. A voice soon came over the receiver of the phone.

“We hoped you enjoyed the services of Cloudsdale’s Furniture and Packing Service! Please rate our service, press 1 for good to 9 for ‘absolutely Rainbow Dash-tastic’!” The unicorn lifted her hoof and pressed lightly on the number 9, before flinging the phone out of the window, staring at the pile of wasted time in front of her.

That is, before the pile burst into flames.

----------

The End

Author's Note:

More than 4 years later and this is still my most popular story! And to think I wrote it in a few minutes without a second though. So here's a random new chapter to thank all of you who have supported me all this time. Plus, I thought it'd be fun to give you all something, considering I've been so quiet all this time. And I truly apologize for that.

For everything you guys have given me, be it comments, views or even adding stories to your Favorites. I might not respond to all of them, but I do read/notice them! Thank you all once more, I could not have gotten this far without all of you guys.

-Deathscar

P.S. Also, I've started a new Youtube series analyzing MLP stories! You can check it out here! Also if you wanna interact with me, follow and send a tweet to me on my Twitter!

Comments

[SeventhBrony]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmD_8cBqhW0 A tad vulgar but accurate

[MoonMirror]

RTFM

[Dustchu]

Hahahaha... ooooh, poor Twily... poor poor Twiliy.

Nice job.

[PonyDragon]

Nice story!
It's in the "popular stories" list, btw. (That's the reason I found it in the first place.)

I followed your recommendation and played the song looped in the background.
It is supposed to be calming, but now it's driving me crazy!

Edit: fixed.

[Booster Spice]

Next up. Twilight finally Reads The Flaming Manual. Which is a collection of Daring D heiroglyphs, with assosiated dual text Neighponiese and Zebrican translation by an undercover Changeling in Yakyakistan.

Things dont go quite according to plan.

First, lay out all the parts so you can tick them off the list.

Have you seen what happens when you do a volumetric to area transformation? Its a function of the thickness of the construction. And the cheaper the purchase, the thinner the construction. And then theres the sub modules, and the sub sub modules, and the sub sub sub modules that contain the hinges that have to be fitted to the sub modules before they are assembled due to overlapping parts etc.

Welcome to Ikea, the scream of the dammed as they enter Tarterus, to get to the Customer Services Desk.

[Deathscar]

7573948 Oh awesome! I was wondering why it got so many views all of a sudden! And thanks for noticing the mistake! :) Fixed!

[Pyrotechnic]

This is clearly a prank on Rainbow Dash's part. Twilight was supposed to help her with something and the stupid nerd forgot so Rainbow Dash advertised a suspiciously accurate description of various purple unicorn products. Put a spell on them thanks to a unicorn she knew back in flight school (hey, she was surprised too) and made sure they would break or be poorly delivered, started a job at tech support and waited.

Driving Twilight Sparkle to madness is easily avoided if you JUST BUCKING REMEMBER YOUR APPOINTMENTS!!!

[the dobermans]

Updated after 4 years ... and still hilarious.

Epic win.

[Deathscar]

7586791 Haha thank you very much :D

[Anonomis]

7571590
My thoughts exactly as to video references.