The Walk, the Run, the Talk, the Pun (revised)
In the night, my soul hurts and I tremble
The end is near for me
Trying purple pills and liquor
But there is no remedy
She had been trying to hold her hand steady, but the amount of shaking made it necessary for her to put the gun in her right pocket of her jacket. Her legs was shaking as well, but she kept going. There was no turning back from this.
And yet, Rainbow Dash had a pretty neat life. She had been going steady with Applejack for about two years now, and it had only been nine months since she decided to move in with her at Sweet Apple Acres. That meant more work and less play, but Rainbow managed. She had also been looking after Scootaloo more and more, and four months earlier, she asked Scoots if she wanted to live with her and AJ. It was a bit scary, to go from having a sort-of-sister to a sort-of-daughter, and to upgrade a girlfriend to almost-fianceé, but Rainbow had managed- or at least she thought so. But the fact that she was walking away from the Farm with a shotgun in her pocket, determined to use the weapon on herself, proved how wrong she had been.
If there ever had been an option to turn this situation around, it probably was way too long ago to even be remembered. But she remembered how it began...
It was the nights.
The endless nights, were sleep was impossible. The only feeling was panic, and all the walls were closing in as the distance to the girl of her dreams who was peacefully sleeping on the other side of the bed, felt like miles. When there was a big hole in the wall, from which darkness poured in, filling the room with a tide of nothing. It ate up everything. All events of the previous day where indifferent to the darkness, It showed no interest in past events. It only wanted to feed, and the supplies were insufficient.
In the end, she started to cry. The darkness feasted on her tears, but it wanted more.
Sometimes, it made her girlfriend wake up. "It's alright, sugarcube. Ahm here. It will be ok"
Applejack then laid her arms around Rainbow, drew her close, and whispered in her ear, "It's alright, Sugarcube. Ah'm here, and it'll be OK."
Those words filled Rainbow with shame, and anger. No, it will not be ok! I don't deserve this! I don't deserve you.
And the darkness feasted more.
If you got nothing to offer
there's no use in playing the game
Then the darkness took the days aswell. Rainbow started to hate the days. The long days, where the sun never set soon enough. Where every smile, every cheerful, laughing face felt like an insult. But what did they know? Why were they all allowed to smile, when she was not? Now the darkness had moved inside of her. It started to block the Sun's light from her eyes, and shut out the kind and friendly words, only to feed on the nasty ones.
"Lazy bitch."
"Useless."
"I hate you!"
"Stubborn brat."
"Selfish pig."
"You never loved me!"
With a steady stream of words, the darkness feasted and grew.
Finally, the darkness took the joy of having Applejack and Scootaloo, away from her. That was two days ago, when Dash found herself indifferent. Her girlfriend had surprised her with roses, a nice dinner, plus some sexy lingerie- and although she said the right words, and did the act of a lover, she felt absolutely nothing. Nothing.
And her little girl, coming home from school with near-twenty drawings on the theme of "I love you Rainbow" for her birthday. She said the right things again and gave hugs. But the only feeling she had was, "So this is it?"
And the darkness feasted more.
I have walked along with the devil
But my soul was tough to sell
Today was the final day. She was tired of the nights, she hated the days, and she loathed herself for not caring at all for her own family. OK- it wasn't technically a family. There was no marriage and no adoption papers, but it felt like a family. That was what Rainbow called a family- Not that she deserved to call them so.
She didn't deserve this...
She didn't deserve them.
...
She didn't deserve to live.
So there she was, walking on unstable legs through the orchards of Sweet Apple Acres, with her girlfriend’s shotgun in her pocket. For a moment, she thought that it was a bad decision to stay on the farm for this, for they would find her pretty quick. But on the other hand, they wouldn't find her until it was all over. What was the lyrics to that Joni Mitchell song that A.J. liked to sing- "A big paradise, turned up a fucking lie?" ...Yeah. A fucking lie.
She wasn't sure how long she'd been walking, but this place was as good as the other. She had been heading to where the river made a little turn, the location where Applejack had first told her about the feelings she had.
That was her original choice of a place to die, but that would have been a bit too cheesy- not to mention how pissed A.J. would be if she found her there. Instead, she walked a little more down the riverbank until the forest resumed around her.
There, she found a small glade. Yup, this would do. As she produced the gun from her pocket, she sank to her knees. This was it, then. She opened her mouth, and supported the pipe of the gun to her teeth. She sat like that for some time- and then her tears began to flow. Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid! No regrets. This was it.
And with that, she pulled the trigger.
I have walked along with the devil
But my soul was tough to sell
Ain't got cash, do have a shotgun
Gonna blow myself to hell
____
There is an old Swedish saying "If there hadn't been an IF, the old hag would have butted the bull"
Sometimes, it seems like the world is constructed by "what if"s.
What if I hadn't, what if she didn't, what if it never, and so on.
Usually, this is the source of mankind’s tragedies. Unfulfilled goals, bad decisions, moments that changes lives- and if you had done something different, you wouldn't be sitting here with...someone, and he, she, it, or whatever would still be here. But if, hardly ever is there.
But in this story, there is an actual if. Because at the same moment Rainbow walks away from the farm, and is turned invisible by the ripe cornfields, a rusty old truck that was once red drives up to the house, and stops. Applejack jumps out of the driver’s seat. If this had been a normal day, she would have been busy with her chores, or doing business in town.
But this was not a normal day.
And, in fact, it hadn't been in a while. Because Applejack was worried about her girlfriend. She wasn't stupid- of course she did noticed that Rainbow didn't sleep and cried in the night. She had felt like she talked the talk with her heart in some other place for a while as well. And whatever happens, or whatever they do, it never seems to be enough. Whatever was on Dash's mind, it was something huge- too much for one person to deal with.
Applejack has had her share of grief and sorrow. She lost her parents for Celestias's sake! Of course she's been crying. But she is a hard worker. In the end, there was only one way back- you work with it. You deal with it. You take care of it. And in the end, it will go away. It will get better. It always does. When life gives you trouble, you fight back, bite it off, swallow, and move on.
But not this time. Not with Rainbow. Because beneath all the bragging, attitude and pride, there is a delicate and fragile core. And Applejack is one of the few that's been allowed to see it. And at times, she is the solid rock that Rainbow get support from.
But sometimes, when one barely have time to take care of oneself, it's harder to see other people’s problems. And if you see them, you think they will pass.
That's what Applejack did. It had been a rough season, and all her energy had to be focused on the farm. Rainbow had to deal with her demons on her own. And when Applejack finally noticed, it was too late.
She tried everything, but she couldn't get through. And now there was only one thing left to do.
To check up on her, every day, just to make sure she didn't do anything stupid.
...
She had a bad feeling, even before she opened the door.
"Honey, Ahm home early!" she yelled
No answer. Shit!
Alright...let’s not jump to conclusion. There might be a perfectly normal explanation.
She found an open bottle of Whiskey on the living room table. And an empty glass next to it. This bottle...it was full last Friday. She was pretty sure about that. Now, the amount of liquor has lowered with a third. Oh no...oh, no, no, no, no, no!
Okay...okay...it looks bad...but...it might just be a drink. ...maybe not just ONE...but Rainbow wandering around drunk is bad,
"But ah can handle it!" The last part Applejack said loud to herself.
Then she saw a note, on the edge of the table.
A lot of the words had been crossed out, so the only part readable was at the bottom:
I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you. It's not your fault. Tell Scootaloo that Mommy will always love her. Goodbye, Applejack.
Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
What has she done? Where has she gone? And what will she...do...
"The gun. Where is the gun? WHERE THE HELL DID AH PUT THE GUN?" she shouted to the empty room.
"Not that drawer, not there... not there...WHY THE HELL DOES SHE NEED TO MOVE MY THINGS THE WHOLE TIME!"
Damn. It's gone. This is bad.
"THIS ISN'T BAD, ya twit, it's right down catastrophic!"
Now there were another car coming in to the yard. Applejack ran out of the house, only to see Fluttershy, Big Mac, Scootaloo and Applebloom go out of Mac's car. Since they were a pretty large family these days, a car with a lot of space was required. Applejack ran straight up to Big Mac, grabbed him by his collar and screamed to his face.
"WHY THE HECK DID YA BRING THE KIDS HERE NOW YA BASTARD!?"
Big Mac looked, understandably enough, surprised.
"Ehm...School's out early today...we were coming here anyway so...something wrong?" he blinked.
"Something wrong? SOMETHIN'S WRONG? YA BET YA SORRY ASS SOME..." Applejack realized she was still grabbing him, and that she was shouting in front of her sort-of-daughter, her sister, sister-in-law and brother, without them knowing any reason.
"Rainbow...is gone. Ah think...ah think...she's goin' to...shoot herself." she said quietly, releasing him.
"Come here sweetie- and ya too, Apple Bloom. Yeah, Ahm sorry Ah shouted at ya, but...Rainbow has gone away to...do something terrible. We need to find her! Quick! Search the farm! She might be close by!"
But ya don't need a special place when you want to kill yerself. Anywhere secluded will do.
Now there were panic everywhere. Applebloom, Big Mac, and Scootaloo were running around like crazy, searching the farm.
Applejack just sat apathetic on the porch. The only one who did any real and good thinking was Fluttershy, who walked over to the back yard to fetch Winona.
"Good girl! Search! Search Rainbow! Good girl!" she said sweetly.
It was on. Winona was always up for a hunt, and ran quick through the farm, the others in tow. The scent lead them down to the river, and Applejack knew this place all to well... The place where she had told Rainbow...
Oh, no she did not...not here...Ah swear, ah will kill 'er mahself if this is the spot...no?
Winona stopped for a while, sniffed around, before she took off down the river bank- five people and a dog running. Fluttershy was also wearing a red dress and high heel sneakers. If someone would have looked at them, they would probably be laughing, because it did look a bit ridiculous.
Now they reached the small forest. Winona seemed to be uncertain of the direction, but Scootaloo's eyes were the sharper ones this time.
"There! In there- the Glade!" she shouted.
Yep, there she was- no mistake when that hair was around. They ran, they shouted, and they saw Rainbow fall to her knees, placing the gun in her mouth.
Then they saw her pull the trigger.
____
Rainbow Dash opened her eyes. She was still in the glade, but everything was silent around her. No...not exactly silent... some low buzzing in her ear. A bit irritating. And then she sees it. A person, sitting on her knees, in profile to where she stands, with a gun in her mouth.
Rainbow was looking at herself.
"Ooh, this is much better than I thought it would be! Luckily, I brought popcorn! When there's a great show, you need great snacks!" someone said.
That voice... that irritating, superior, gleeful voice...there's was only one person in the whole world with that voice.
"Discord," she growled.
"Hello, Rainbow Dash! I must say, it's really been a pleasure following you lately. This has been the most fun I've had in years! Oh, your anxiety, your pain... It's been hilarious," he smiled with a nod of his head.
Rainbow stared at him.
"Discord...What the fuck are you doing in my afterlife?" Rainbow hissed.
"Oh, but, Dear... this isn't the afterlife! I mean, technically, you're not dead. Not yet, at least"
"WHAT?"
Discord arose from his armchair, "You see, being a divine incarnation of chaos, I can control time...in small parts. I can stop the time of someone temporarily, if I wish. The last minutes are my favorite moments to extend for people! Oh, people’s feelings in the face of death- that is the most fun part of someone’s life! To see the hope in the eyes of people believing in the afterlife...but also the fear of those believers who suddenly fear the hope was in vain. The downright fear of the ones that DON'T believe, and then there are some that are downright bores. The ones that believe in reincarnation. They just...take it. They are so boring to watch. But then, there are those really special ones. Like you."
"Me? Why me?"
"Oh, but that is not strange at all! You and others similar, who can't see what a rich and full life they have, and choose to throw it all away for some stupid reasons. And then, in the final moment, they realize what they are doing. What they are throwing away. But then it's too late- and that is just SOOO fun to see!"
Rainbow was silent for a while.
"Well, I hate to disappoint you. But I don't regret a thing. I want to die," she said finally.
"Oh, no you don't. I know you, Rainbow Dash. I've seen the bottom of your soul the latest days. You don't want death, you fear it!"
Rainbow stared at Discord in silence.
"I know everything about it. You are SOOO afraid. 'What if there is an afterlife? Will I be rewarded? Will I be punished?' That's scary. 'And what if there isn't an afterlife? Just darkness...silence...everything will go to black...' Now that's REALLY scary! You don't want to know. You hate the idea of growing old, to die...to be ultimately alone," he said.
"Smartass."
"Hey, it takes one to know one!"
"Well, I'm glad this isn't the afterlife. I'd hate to spend an eternity with you."
"Ah, always the attitude. Now you're making me sad, Rainbow Dash! Am I not funny? Am I not game?"
"Shut up. Shut up!"
"I could tell you about the afterlife! Oh, yes, I know. But I won't. I mean, where's the fun in that?"
"I... I don't care. Just let me die, okay? ...Not like anyone would care."
"Oh, but that's where you are wrong!" Discord snapped his fingers, and the view of the scene was changed. Now she was facing herself, and saw her friends and family run towards her. She gasped.
"You see? They are coming for you. They are trying to save you! Well... a bit too late, I'm afraid. Not much to do about it," Discord looked at his watch, "Oh, is that the time? My, my...time flies by when you're watching people die! But even at this time, I guess I have to speed it up. Now, do you know why you're depressed?"
"Yeah. Because nothing is fun anymore."
"Uh-uh. Wrong! It's actually simple. You are afraid to die. You are afraid to grow up, because growing up means growing old, means dying. So you try to stay young. Stay a kid. But then...you get a family. A girlfriend. A daughter. Okay, not technically...but it feels that way. And the important thing is: You need to be the adult. You need to take responsibility. And you HATE THAT!"
Silence. Rainbow had nothing to say.
"You’re Rainbow Dash! No work, only play. No dull boys here. But the thing is, you need to take responsibility. Your family needs you. And so, you are doing it. Because you love them. But then, one day, you realize...YOU'RE GROWING UP! You're growing old...you're dying..."
Rainbow felt a really bad ache in her tummy. This was true. These were her thoughts. But she never let them surface. She didn't allow herself to feel them, for it was too painful.
"So, you try to reverse. More fun and games! But then, there is the other side. The grown-up you, who LIKES the responsibility. Who wants to take care of her family, marry Applejack and make Scootaloo your daughter for real- and perhaps there will be more kids? And when those two clash...KABOOM! Up comes your fear, eating everything up."
Rainbow was in shock. This was all true. This was the answer. How the heck could she not see this? And now it was too late to fix...or perhaps not? She wasn't dead...so he said.
"Well, nice chatting to you. This is goodbye, I'm afraid- but don't worry. You won't feel very much."
"Wrong!"
"Wrong? How, Ms. Dash, is that?"
"You said I wasn't dead, and that means I haven't pulled the trigger. There's still time! I can change!"
Discord looked at her, stunned- then he burst out laughing.
"Oh, this is PRICELESS! You are much more fun than I've seen in a hundred years! It's I- I can't breathe! Can't breathe! It's so funny!"
"What is funny?"
"Oh, the hope in your eyes...that soon will fade. I mean...did you really think I picked you up BEFORE you pulled the trigger?"
Everything around Rainbow started to fade to black as she returned to her body. Hope was gone. She felt totally devastated. How could she believed that discord would do her a favor?
And now, she understood what the buzzing was. It was the stretched out sound of a gun shot.
