Soldier is found by Merasmus, and is sent to a certain place during a certain season. Edit 03/26/14 massive edit to fix errors and add a few jokes.
Soldier is found once again by Merasmus, and the magician isn't happy with his defeat back in 2012 so now hes returned. but since soldier can't be killed without him coming back stronger, Merasmus finds a world that would destroy Soldier in the most horrific way possible. (let me say this right now, there will be no shipping or real clop, this is mainly a comedy as soldier uses all the mann.co tech he has to survive the heat and get back home)(again this is an idea that just wouldn't leave me alone)(teen for strong language and very suggestive jokes)WARNING many joke made towards canada that are just jokes, if you can't take a joke don't read. WARNING#2 spoiler for comic "ring of fired" so if you havent read that, don't read this. unless you don't care.
Edit: 03/26/14, to celebrate the 500th veiw i will call a "Massive Edit" i will put this fic through google docs and edit the spelling then profusely edit any grammer i catch and other things that just don't make sense, i'll also throw a new joke in here and there but not much, i'll just edit the more crappy parts of the fic. Thank you all for your wonderful support! -HWB
The nine RED mercinarys that where hired by Mann.Co worked like kidnapped children in St.Nick's workshop preparing for tomorrow's battle. Combat classes like Heavy and Soldier cleaned their guns, and support classes like Medic and Engineer made sure their Equipment was in well working order so not to fail them or their teammates. Getting Mann.Co gear to work was very hard so nothing was said between the mercs as the swabbed their barrels, checked their fuel, counted their ammo, replaced their batteries, and calibrated their automated sentry guns, it was almost peaceful,
Almost.
All the classes Attention was stolen the second a huge BOOM! was heard at the end of the room. A spooky green light filled eyes of the surprised mercs as a tall wizard with a swirly oak staff and dressed in a prison uniform emerged.
"IIII AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL MERASM,...." The wizard began "WE ALREADY KNOW WHO YOUR ARE" a short scrawny young man in a baseball cap yelled from the other end of the room.
"Ahem* Marasmus" the wizard finished,"I have escaped from prison to tell you all something, and that is, I MEAN YOU NO MORE HARM!!!." Than merasmus simply stood their with a red dot covering his forehead.
"Wait,.... what was that mate?" An Australian man asked as he lowered his sniper rifle.
"Thats right, i forgive you all for what happened 2 halloweens ago and i've come to let bygones be bygones, Now if you all may leave the room i have some sorrowful words for Soldier so we can finally let the bad blood between us wash away.
8 Mercenaries left the room as soldier approached Merasmus
When the room was empty the wizard looked down at soldier with an amazing amount of,......blistering fury
"Prepare to die Soldier" Merasmus said quietly.
"Ha what? Marasmus you cowardly canadian (sorry canada) i will only come back stronger!" Soldier said with a laugh.
"Oh Soldier I read the rest of the label and that effect only applies if you're killed by a magician, and I have some news for you". Marasmus leaned in meeting his nose with Soldier's "I'm not going to do any of the killing at all". Soldier panicked and pulled out his rocket launcher and fired, Merasmus held out his hand as the rocket detonated harmlessly off it, then he magically pulled the launcher from Soldiers hands, snached it out of the air and threw it out of the window.
"No point in using your toys against me, I've learned a lot since you framed me for the murder of Tom Jones and left me to rot in prison" Merasmus said. "But being there did give me time to think, of where to send you , and after all that thinking i considered, a gender swapped universe? No, a blocky low resolution universe? No, a world of complete DOOKIE? Again no, Prepare yourself Soldier for this is the last time we will ever see each other SUMONUM EQUETIRIAN TRIBIUM!!!" Soldier scream in horror as a bright rainbow colored portal universe.
Soldier grabbed the table behind him and hung for dear life as the portal began to swallow up everything in the room, weapons from all of the mercenaries lockers flew out of their shelves and swirled around the room before draining into the portal. Soldier hung on tightly, But let out a yell as one of heavys Miniguns known as “The brass beast” flew out of The Heavy’s Locker and collided with Soldier.
"Curse you merasmus you were the worst roooommmaaat......" Soldier was cut off when the portal shut and Merasmus cackled with delight before he hit the ground with his staff and disappeared in a cloud of ghostly green light
Soldier woke up in complete darkness between two heavy masses. He got up to find that he was covered in various weapons that he and his teammates often use. Soldier broke through the darkness to a source of sunlight, examined his surroundings. He was in a dark forest covered in fog and thorn bushes, Soldier thought for a moment, After furiously working the pink organ under his helmet he came to a realisation.
Canadia!!! that mangey magician send me to his native homeland so he could have the homefront advantage!" Soldier shouted. The soldier stood up and sifted through the pile of weapons at his feet, he found a shotgun and decided to pick it up, then he found something else in the pile, all of his teammate’s spytech bags!! with these he could carry all these weapons, He equipped the bags and started to fill them with weapons, Soldier decided to take all he could carry, Scatterguns, revolvers, swords, and other assorted melee weapons that the writer was to tired to name. It was halfway through the pile that he came to realise that there were none of his beloved rocket launchers, Then he remembered that he always kept his locker locked so that the other classes couldn't get their fingerprints on them, the only weapons he had of his were some assorted secondary weapons he was cleaning at the moment Marasmus attacked.
Disappointed he left all the weapons he couldn't carry on the ground (mainly Heavys miniguns), then he found out why the ground was so hard, a resupply locker had been sucked into canada with him! Now heavily armed, Soldier picked up the locker and started off in the forest to find a fort to call home.
Some time later.
Soldier stumbled on a cave, a very small cave, and went inside, the cave was dark and damp. Soldier crawled a few feet inside and found a large main chamber, Soldier noticed a few pair yellow eyes watching him. He fired his shotgun and spooked them to the side of the cave, in the dim light he could make out three wolves in the darkness, Soldier checked the color of his uniform and thought to himself, remembering the fairy tales his mom used to read to him "these are the three little wolves,...and they think im red riding hood just because I have a helmet on and a shotgun" Soldier decided to end the situation diplomatically by burying two ounces of buckshot into each wolf's skull. Soldier satisfied with a job well done ate the ribs of the wolves (which he found to be a bit tough, and flammable) and set the resupply locker in the cave. Soldier walked to the mouth of the cave and shouted "Hey Merasmus!! you can't beat a tough s.o.b. like me! Nayn nayn nayn nayn!!! No matter how many canadian sleeper agent wolves made of wood you send after me!" He mocked.
Soldier awoke the next morning on a bed he made from the canadian sleeper agents bodies (except for their ribs) He stretched and yawned, then he went to the resupply locker he pulled through the crawlspace and replaced the ammo he used yesterday.
Then Soldier took a minute to think,"Well if Merasmus is from here the all i have to do is find civilization and then their should be a wizard there that could help me (good thing canada if full of wizards) Soldier got up and equipped his shotgun and left the cave, outside the cave he heard waterflow, few yards away was a river. he decided to follow it concluding that it would lead to a town.
A bit more time that last time later.
Soldier dived down, up ahead he spied a very weird looking town, it was very brightly painted and it was also very large, still being in Canada Soldier decided to sneak into town. He used the tree cover from the forest to slip into the system of alleyways in the town quietly. Until he noticed something, no one was walking in the streets, Soldier heard people but he couldn't find them, where they invisible? was Canada populated by ghosts? Soldier didn't know much about Canada so he didn't dismiss his theories until he found the true inhabitants of Canada
"Pony hippies" That was the only name he could think of when he saw a mass of them in the town square, they had human bodies but their ears and mouths and faces where just,...wrong, but what really got Soldier angry was their hair, long hair (his 5th greatest enemy) and brightly colored hair (his 6th) surrounded him on every front, Soldier ducked into a dumpster full of half eaten pastries and tried to find out what the horse people were plotting against America.
Soldier ducked into the dumpster trying to guess what the Canadians were planning. In the middle of the town was a fair like event with games and food and everyone having a good time. It sickened Soldier to the core this Hippie love fest was going to lead to America's demise he could feel it!
Then the loud speaker crackled to life as a female voice spoke " Hello and welcome to Ponyville 123rd Annual Heat Season fair!, The start of this fair marks the start of Heat season!!! this is it girls! we gave the boys fair chance! Happy Hunting!"
the loud speaker turned off as a collection of Cheers erupted from the crowd. Soldier witnessed all the hippies pull out ropes, chains, tasers and other weapons only meant to incapacitate as they started to spread out.
Soldier panicked and hopped out of the Dumpster and slowly made his way back the way he came, he snuck through the alleyways Soldier had just made it back to the tree line when something tapped his Shoulder, Soldier whipped around with his shotgun ready.
"HI" said the most pinkest thing Soldier had ever laid eyes on.
it was a female dressed in a Yellow tee shirt and a blue skirt, but most hippyish of all, she was barefoot. She stood about 5.9 but add another 8 inches just for her haircut, the poofy bright pink haircut cut Soldier right down to his patriotic hippie hating core.
"Your new here i can tell! Wanna know how?,.... you haven't run!" Before Soldier could react a comically huge butterfly net swooped over her head and captured Soldier.
"Yeah,... in places like Canterlot they may reduce heat with magic but here in Ponyville we do things a little more old fashioned" the Pink Hippie moved in nose to nose with Soldier and gave him a face that displayed what she meant about old fashioned.
Rape, she meant rape.
"Don't worry we'll be gentle,... though probably not!" the Pink Hippie said as she dragged Soldier "Oh worst comes to worst Twilight has a spell that will put your pelvis back right as rain,.....once we're done" The hippie snickered as Soldier's mind raced to decode what she said to him, and only through careful analysis and noticeable patterns in the Hippies speech he came to this conclusion.
"*Gasp! Your after my gum!!" Soldier yelled as he began to Panic in the net
"What?" the pink one turned around and asked as two ounces of buckshot slammed against her face.
the Hippie's body landed on the ground with a thud as Soldier fought with the net and freed himself.
Soldier Freed himself and got up to examine the Hippie's body to see what damage he'd done and to see if she had any soup on her. The damage was light, these hippies where very dense, literally so dense their bodies stopped bullets but the force was enough to knock them out. Great stuck in a world of bulletproof colorful horse Hippies and probably Wizards,....definitely Canada.
Soldier got ready to leave when he looked up to the town to see a mass of multi colored pony hippies standing at the edge of town and looking down at Soldier.
“Probably shouldn'ave have fired that shogun so close to such a populated area” Soldier thought to himself.
(Soldier has alerted the whored! Frickin cheese it man!)
About two seconds later.
Soldier ran for his life through the forest, his uniform was ripped and tattered from the brief moment when the crowd of Canadian hippies caught up with him. His shotgun was long empty after firing every round into the crowd. then after hours of running through the forest he broke through the tree line and saw.
That he made a complete circle and was now in the center of Ponyville.
"NUTS!" Soldier yelled as he looked for a place to hide. The good thing about the situation was all the Hippies ran after him and were now searching the woods and the town was completely empty. Soldier scanned the area and ducked into a nearby store.
He locked the door and breathed heavily.
Soldier looked around the store to find it was to sell clothing, Dresses and suits hung from rows and across the room was a collection of ribbons, cloth, and a sewing machine in front of a large window to the outside. "Who is iiiit?" Asked a female in a singsong tone. Soldier quickly lifted the top of a nearby wooden crate, he found that it was only half full of buttons so he ducked inside and put the lid overtop. "Whooooo is in,....my,..house?" Soldier found a crack in the crate and witnessed white colored Canadian with long swirly hair dressed satin robe and a thin, almost see through blouse descend the staircase.
She looked around the room, then she noticed a smell, she drunk deeply through her nostrils "A stallion, ooo! and i was planning to stay all by myself during heat yet some good samaritan has come to help a lady in her time of need' She said in a defenceless tone. Soldier watched intently through the crack in the wooden box, then his skin started to itch, then an unexplainable force pushed him through the lid of the box.
"Gotcha!" The Hippie said, as a light blue arora surrounded Soldier and hovering him in the air. "Now Darling, you must be new in town, Unlucky you didn't run, i don't like going fast but since you're here,
"There ain't gonna be no brakes" The Hippie cackled as soldier got his finger around the shotguns trigger.
*click
"Nuts" Soldier said as the hippie used her wizard powers to carry it away.
"Now darling as harsh as this is, lets make it pleasant" the hippie said as the magic Fored Soldier to the floor with a thud, then undid his belts and his uniform top slipped off his head.
As the Hippie got closer and started to Unbutton a already revieling of her own clothing Soldier got his hand in the Mann.co spytech bag and grabbed the first thing with a trigger.
*BANG!*BANG!
Two shots rang out in quick succession as the white colored Hippie flew out of the big window to the outside, the magic fell and Soldier lifted his hand a saw the Force-a-Nature. Soldier jumped up grabbed his belts and ran out the front door as the Hippie Yelled "Uncouth Ruffian!"
Soldier ran through Ponyville, He lost his uniform top but managed to grab his grenade belt and wore it over the gray undershirt covering his chest. He was looking for another place to hide until he came across the strangest building in the town, it was a hollowed out tree with flowers surrounding it and a big sign that read: Ponyville Library.
"YES" Soldier shouted, He remembered all those lonely days in his grade school library reading history novels. And if theres one thing he knows about libraries is "Theirs never Women in them" Soldier thought to himself and he approach the building to find the door locked. "Mmmmm" Soldier said as he thought for a second, "Aha!' Soldier said as he dug through the Spytech bags and pulled out the Homewrecker. Soldier lifted the heavy Sledge Hammer and broke the knob right off the door.
Soldier snuck inside to find the house dark and empty. He carefully scanned the room until he found a pile of ropes in the corner of the room. Soldier considered for a second about taking the ropes until he noticed something, The ropes were breathing! Soldier jumped back in surprise. Soldier decided not to take any chances and look for a very powerful weapon to kill this "Rope Monster."
Soldier dug out the pyro's favorite weapon "the Back Burner" and pointed it at the pile of ropes and let loose a jet of fire on it. Soldier laughed menacingly finding that using the flamethrower was a very satisfying experience. He Now understood why the Pyro always seem like he was having a little too much fun during battle. After a few seconds Soldier stopped using the weapon and looked down at the mess of ropes to see,..... a horrifying monster! Soldier took a step back and froze with surprise as a small green and purple dragon stood up.
"For Celestias sake twilight first you tie me up so i wouldn't go messing around with Rari,.....
The Small Dragon stopped himself upon noticing Soldier, the Dragon was Green and scaly, but resembled a young boy dressed in (Slightly burned) jeans and a denim coat.
Who are you?" the dragon asked in some weird preteen like male voice.
"I,....I,...." Soldier stammed as the Dragon noticed the door. "You know what? I Don't care, take what you want, you, whatever you are and go. Thats what Twilight gets, Ties me up on the only day I have a chance with her and I don't care is some weird alien comes to steal all her books" The Dragon said with an annoyed tone. And with that he shook Soldiers hand and ran out the door with a huge smile upon his face.
Soldier stood there in shock, He scratched his head under his helmet and though "I knew less about Canada then i thought." Soldier then turned to find a place in the house to hide when a female voice rang out.
"Oh for bucks sake SPIKE! stop trying to burn through those ropes! their dragonfire proof! OH!" A very agitated purple Hippie with a horn parting her Blue and purple Haircut dressed in a set a darker purple lace underwear noticed Soldier as she walked down the stairs in the main hall.
"Mmm,...Hello" the hippie said in the raunchy tone. "And i was sad that i didn't finish up there, but now with you here,...i can finish up down here" The Hippie narrowed her eyes and gave Soldier a saucy smile.
(Im so sorry but it was the best i could find.)
Soldier remembered what that face meant.
"You Hippie scum! you want all of my gum!? three words Cold, Dead, Hands," Soldier yelled.
"What?" The Hippie asked.
Soldier lifted “ The Back Burner” and let a loose a tower of fire, but the limited range of the weapon failed him as the hippie was still standing untouched.
"Darn" Soldier said disappointed.
"Mmmm a little warmed up are we?(bad writer BAD!! no more crappy puns *hits self with newspaper) Well this oughta get you cooled off". Solder noticed the Horn Hippies head began to glow with a purple magic as so did the bookshelves with the same magic.
Then books started flying around the room and began to attack Soldier.
Soldier let loose with the flamethrower, Books ignited and fell the the floor. but Soldier soon found himself overwhelmed as the books swarmed, One book clamped down on his right hand hard and he let go of the weapon. Taking advantage of the situation the books all clamped down all over his body and began to raise him in the air. Soldier fought with the books but they were too strong.
Soldier began to sift through the Spytech bag for something useful. Soldier pulled out his own equalizer and aimed the pickaxe strait at the flamethrower below and gave it his best throw.
The pickaxe sunk into the propane tank of the flamethrower and a faint hissing noise could be heard, then the pickaxe shook and shot out from the propane tank and flew out of a nearby window. Propane began to pour out of the tank as the stream got close to a burning book.
BOOM! the stream ignited and the flamethrower turned into a rocket and flew across the room. The Hippie ducked and released all from its magic. Soldier hit the ground with a thud as the flamethrower ignited the house as it sped through the air. Soldier dived through the front door and began running once again, away from the sounds of rage from the Hippie in the burning house.
Solder crossed the street and hid behind a dumpster and looked back to make sure no one was following him.
Soldier froze when he heard shuffling in the dumpster. "What the hell is that?" said a familiar voice as the dragon from before popped his head out from the dumpster and looked at the burning library. "What is it darling?" another familiar voice said as the white Hippie from earlier also popped her head out of the dumpster to get a look "*Gasp! Oh my! looks like the heat is really hitting dear Twilight hard" the Hippie said as both look a minute to laugh at her joke.
"I love your selfish and uncaring personality" The Dragon said "And i love the fact you're so naive and that you're only 14 max" The Hippie said as they both slipped back into the dumpster and started making a lot of noise.
Soldier didn't know why, but his stomach churned.
Soldier finally made his way out of town and made it back to the tree line for the second time today, Soldier breath a sigh of relief and took a step forward
"Hey knucklehead!" a sharp female voice said as something tapped his shoulder.
Soldier spun around as a cyan blue blur collided with his face and his whole world went black.
Soldier jumped out of his Trailer Home and soaked in the warm sunshine blanketing the earth. "AH!, what a great day to be an American!" Soldier said popping the kinks in his back. Soldier then skipped down the road and took in all the America had to offer, He skipped by some American Soldiers assaulting a beach, He skipped by some American soldiers assaulting a fort, He skipped by some American soldiers assaulting a hill, in fact He even skipped by some soldiers repelling an assault in their fort that was on a hill near an ocean. "Well looks like the boys are playing some fun games outside, i think after a bite i'll join them" Soldier said as he stopped skipping through the front door of a big flashy Diner that was all covered in chrome with big red letters spelling out “AL’s!”
Soldier walked up the countertop and sat on a stool. "What it'll be Soly?" a very large man behind the counter. "A All American meal Al! please!" Soldier yelled back rubbing his hands together with a smile. Soldier sat back and relaxed, then he noticed a newspaper lying on the countertop. Soldier grabbed it and started reading, America had won the war Against brazil, and the war Against Mars, and even the war against Valentines day. Soldier chuckled as he heard Al say "ORDER UP!" and a plate knock against the counter.
Soldier folded his newspaper, grabbed his fork and knife and looked down at the plate.
"Um,....Al is there any reason you gave me pills instead of food?" Soldier asked with confusion. "Well for one thing they're cheap as chips! eh?" Al said in a weird voice. Soldier looked up a saw that Al had become a small lanky man in a red plaid wool coat with matching lumberjack wool hat.
The color drained from Soldiers face as he just tried to process what was happening "Soly? you don't look so good, here have a drink" Al said has he heaved a large whiskey bottle on the counter. Soldier looked down at the bottle and his eyes widened as he saw a horrifying image,....a big red maple leaf. Soldier swept his arm along the the counter knocking over the plate of pills and whiskey and jumped up and ran out the door screaming.
Outside, America had changed, Soldier ran outside and slipped on some ice and fell with a crunch in the snow outside. Soldier got up shaking from the chill of the snow. The scene before him was gruesome, moose drove cars made from maple leaves, children ran through the streets throwing beavers at each other, people were drinking maple syrup right out of the bottle, Babies jumped from their carriages and began playing hockey against bear cubs.
Soldier couldn't take it, his America was gone, tears formed in his eyes, then a large crunching noise could be heard from the ground beneath his knees. the snow cracked a familiar pink pony Hippie rose from the snow before him, She smiled and looked down at Soldier, she bent over and showed him a bottle of maple syrup, "Wanna sip?,,,,,eh?" The Hippie said then started giggling with a snort.
"Nooooooo!" Soldier yelled waking up with a start. Soldier shook violently and thrashed around but found it all to be in vain, Soldier had been tied into some sort of soft white fluffy substance. "bout time you woke up, i was about to start without you (o.0), man your heavy, took me a good two hours to get you up here, now the fun can begin!" a squeaky female voice said. Soldier looked up and saw a blue pony Hippie with a very scary rainbow colored hair dressed in a tight black sport outfit, she also had a pair of blue wings that she was using to float in the air. "Great, Hippie Canadians can fly now" Soldier thought to himself.
(Someone needs to fix those brakes one of these days)
Soldier could still feel his gum in his pocket and knew that the Hippie would find it in a matter of time. Soldier continued to thrash in the white fluffy stuff. "Hey hey! careful buddy if you mess around in that stuff too long you're gonna-"
Soldier broke the white substance holding him and fell off it and found that he was about 20 Stories in the air, Soldier sped towards the ground when the flying Hippie grabbed him before he hit the the dirt. Scared, Soldier landed a fist on the Hippie's nose making her drop him safely on the ground, "Why you!" the Hippie said rubbing her nose, she rocketed up in the air and Soldier lost her in the sunlight. Soldier heard a faint whistling noise as the Hippie dived for Soldier.
Soldier, waiting until the last minute, dived to his left, making the Hippie miss scooping him up. The Blue Hippie then soared into the cloudy sky, planning on a surprise attack.
Soldier looked through the spytech bag trying to find something useful. He pulled out Spy's revolver, The Blue Hippie popped from the sheet of clouds with a faint whistling and dived for Soldier again. Soldier fired all six shots, the Hippie took evasive action causing each of the rounds to miss. On the next pass Soldier tried the engineer's shotgun to the same effect. desperate, Soldier dug out the Demoman's sticky bomb launcher.
Soldier shot some stickies into the air, detonating them in mid air. Still the hippie was still too fast, Soldier dodged a few passes trying to think of a plan. Soldier got an idea and shot two stickies on the ground, then he put the launcher away and waited.
Soon he heard the faint whistle again. Soldier ran and jumped over the sticky bombs. he detonated them sending him flying through the air, Solder shot through the cloud cover and into the sunlights glare and came face to face with the flying Hippie. Soldier saw the world in slow motion as he brought up his shovel and connected it with the Hippies chin with a satisfying *PANG!. Time resumed as Soldier flew through the sky. He broke through a cloud and saw that he was headed for the roof of a house.
Soldier thrashed his limbs trying to change his direction of travel but ultimately smashed through the old rotted roof and landed in the attic on a pile of cardboard boxes and mattresses.
Soldier lifted his head, trying to stay conscious but failed and blackness took him over once again.
The more Wrinkly the skin, the sweeter the fruit. (Edited)
Soldier lifted his head with a groan and noticed his helmet was missing, and it was getting dusky outside. After a few seconds of searching Soldier found his beloved headwear among the crushed boxes and proceeded to pick the splinters out of his unprotected arms.
Now clean from his landing Soldier searched his spytech bag for another weapon, He was out of stock shotgun ammo, he felt explosives and flamethrowers were out in such a small wooden house, he kept digging until he found a weapon to suit his tastes. Soldier pulled out heavy's "family business" it was a bit big and heavy but giving the situation Soldier couldn't be picky.
Soldier then went down the slanted stairs to the second floor of the house, Soldier kicked open the door and checked his flanks with the large shotgun in his hands. Soldier didn't see and hostiles and walked down the hallway towards a second flight of stairs. Soldier descended the stairs and noticed a noise of heavy panting, it got louder and louder as Soldier found a large living room, in the center of the living room was a very large couch overlooking an enormous window to the outside.
Soldier entered the room from behind the couch very silently. He then noticed another Hippie inhabited the couch, Soldier couldn't see a face but he noticed long blonde locks coming from the top of the couch and a stetson cowboy hat hanging over them. "So thats how they plan to do it!" Soldier thought silently "Steal all the cowboy hats to weaken the social integrity of the country". Soldier snuck up behind the couch raising the butt of his gun waiting for the perfect time for a quick stealthy kill and to perform a great patriotic feat. Soldier had finished planning the awesome guitar solo be was going to bust out when suddenly a pair of wrinkly (but strong) hands wrapped around his gun and throat.
"I got im I got Im"!! an Elderly female voice shouted. Alerted, the hippie looked back to revile her orange face, The orange hippie fiddled with her jeans shorts, buttoned her flannel shirt and jumped up from the couch. "What in sam hill? the orange hippie said with confusion "I never heard of a stallion sneaking in a mare's house during heat" Her face turned from confusion to lust.
"you'll never hear me complain."
"Back off young missy! i git im first!" Soldier elderly captor yelled.
"For celestias sake! Granny you should've stopped going through heat decades ago! the orange Hippie yelled.
"We Apple wear always spry! even in our old age! Now finish your business on the couch young one while me and my stallion friend go upstairs and, OOF!" By that time Soldier got tired of the plot going nowhere and buried the stock of his shotgun into the elderly hippie causing her to double over lose her grip.
Now free Soldier aimed his shotgun at the orange hippie in front of him, She only had time to give a look of utter shock until 12 gauge shot impacted her face causing her to fly backwards over the couch in the living room.
Soldier the jumped and turned around to finish off his captor. the elderly Hippie was surprisingly quick as she slapped the barrel of the gun away causing Soldier to shoot a lamp on a shelf behind her, then she landed two forceful hits into Soldier"s stomach causing him to drop his weapon, she kicked the weapon, causing it to skitter under the couch and out of sight.
Soldier faced his opponent in hand to hand combat mode. the elderly woman also adopted a combat stance with her fists ready. Soldier chucked, "Listen lady you're obviously you're off your meds, so you should go back to, ACK!! Soldier yelled as the elderly hippie landed a sharp right hook on his jaw.
Soldier then abandoned all chivalry (he had no mercy for the enemies of America) and landed an uppercut to the old ladies jaw. the Hippie staggered back and held her jaw, then she looked apon soldier with unrelenting fury, then she spat, a pair of dentures clacked onto the floor, "Is that all ya got?" she said and immediately went for a low left gut shot.
Soldier bent over and groaned with pain and "Granny" brought up her foot and kicked Soldier over the the couch where he landed next to the hippie he shot about two seconds ago. Soldier lied their defeated and made gurgling noises in his throat (as an expression of pain) as the elderly Hippie walked around the couch and grabbed Soldiers ankles.
"Woo-wee don't think you're the only one who's put up a fight with me during heat, but you were so far the most challenging, now just lie there like you're doing and this will be over real soon. Granny Said with a chuckle and she started to drag Soldier along the couch.
Soldier got control over himself and came up with a plan, "Miss, theres one thing you've forgotten" Soldier said through his swelling lip.
"WAS That? I CAN'T HEAR YA!" Granny yelled, she stopped dragging soldier and cupped her hand to her ear.
"I SAID THERES ONE THING YOU FORGOTTEN!" Soldier yelled.
"EEEHH!!???" Granny yelled.
"I SAID,...oh forget it." Soldier grumbled as he removed his hand from under the couch bringing up the family business and pointing it at the elderly Hippie. "I'm the one with the gun"
Soldier fired causing the Granny to fly backwards through the enormous window in behind her. She Shattered the glass and fell unconscious on the ground outside.
Soldier got up and immediately went to the kitchen, he found the pantry and robbed the hippies of all their good soup leaving the shotgun in order to maximize his soup carrying capacity.
Soldier walked out of the front door with his hands full of cans, Soldier stopped dead in his tracks when he saw that pretty much every Hippie that was searching the forest had come to house to investigate the shots. Soldier froze with surprise as the group of brightly colored females did much of the same, after about two seconds of awkward silence Soldier made the first move, he threw all the cans of soup down at once and ran for the woods.
"GET HIM" Several members of the mob shouted as large group of women ran into the forest in pursuit.
Soldier beat through the bushes and low limbs with the mob chasing him for what seemed like hours until he came to his salvation.
A abandon cabin in the woods
(critfacepalm, why writer why?).
Soldier ran through the front door and slammed the door shut, he dragged a nearby cabinet over barricading the door. "Whew i’m safe" Soldier though.
"Hey! I think he went into the old cabin!" a female yelled outside.
“Nuts!” Soldier yelled looking for a place to hide in the small cabin.
Arms and legs bursted through the windows, front door,and some sections of the walls. Soldier screamed, he abandoned the search for a hiding place and desperately searched his spy-tech bag for something useful, the cabinet fell over and the door caved in, the females rushed Soldier and started ripping his clothes apart "This is it" Soldier though as his vision blurred, "There going to get all my gum" Soldier thought softly as he fainted and the mass of pony hippies consumed him.
(About 20 mins later written from the ponies point of view)
"We killed him" a mint green pony said with tears forming in her eyes.
The Purple Pony Soldier met earlier named “Twilight Sparkle” Dropped severed hand and wrist she found in the mass of carnage "Yes it appears so, there absolutely no sign of a pulse"
All the ponies involved surrounded the corpse, all felt remorse and regret, heat was never deadly! shure unwanted foals and the rare case of STDs in Equestria but death! how?
In the end they buried him, an alien from a different world and this is how we treated them, his grave was to be in town square, so nopony would ever make the same mistake again.
Here lies a different kind, visited our world only To be killed by it.
let this mistake never repeat itself, lesson learned, lesson never forgotten.
The cabin was being torn apart by the large commotion of the crowd storming the small dilapidated structure. If it wasn't for the noise, the crowd might have heard a loud sound produced on the roof, a sound similar to a large arc of electricity, then Soldier appeared on the roof of the cabin.
Soldier clothes where near non existent, he was breathing heavily with fear in his eyes and in his hand was a high-tech brass watch. Soldier managed to pull out the watch at the last second and turn invisible, leaving behind a fake corpse, while invisible he jumped through a small trapdoor in the ceiling to the small crawl space attic. From there he forced himself through a small break in the shingled roof.
The watch (known as the Mann.co product the "Dead Ringer") then burst into flames in Soldiers hands, it malfuctoned due to the face that is wasen't properly calibrated to Soldier large frame (Rather the spy’s slim one), Soldier dropped it and slid off the roof of the cabin, Soldier landed on the ground, and sprinted into the bushes.
As Soldier ducked and weaved through the underbrush he chucked to himself, "Those Hippies will know not to mess with the U.S when they find that my gum had been replaced by taffy!" Soldier though to himself and smiled. His smile quickly disappeared when he realised what he just said. Soldier stopped in his tracks, turned around and reached a desperate hand back, "MY TAFFY NNNNOOOO!!!!" He yelled, "NO! It was a warriors sacrifice, Don't let your taffys death go in vain!" a voice in Soldier's head said back. And with a single tear slipping under the brim of his helmet, Soldier pressed on.
A few hours later Soldier broke through the tree line once again and came upon a small cottage, Soldier’s stomach growled, reminding him of his failure to secure the soup earlier. Soldier dug through his bag once more, Soldier pulled out the Righteous Bison. It was the only laser weapon in the bag, Soldier didn't trust laser weapons, but he was low on ammo. Soldier approached the cottage. He searched the area for guards and roof for snipers, instead he found pens of animals. "Hhmmm, a petting zoo? take this out and there army will fall from the inside out,...just as soon as i get somthing to eat." Soldier thought as he opened the front door and entered brandishing his weapon.
The floorboards creaked under his feet as he tiptoed through the empty little cottage, Soldier found his way to the kitchen and made his way to the pantry on the other side, upon opening Soldier found cans and cans of soup and beans. Soldier smiled and chuckled as he filled what was left of his shirt with cans. Soldier sifted through the goods with glee until he heard a noise that made his heart skip a beat.
"Um,...Hello?" A soft voice said at a near whisper behind him.
Soldier dropped several cans as he whipped around and raised his weapon, The yellow colored hippie with long flowing pink hair Dressed in plain underwear, a butter yellow sweater, and pink socks gasped and covered her mouth in shock.
Soldier's finger muscle tensed on the trigger, but he didn't fire. Soldier scanned the hippie with his war grown senses and didn't see a weapon, or any signs hostility. Soldier decided to not shoot her unless provoked. He kept his weapon trained as scooped up an armful of cans and started to walk towards the door.
"OH!,..are you hungry?...please take whatever you want" The Hippie whispered, and she stepped out of Soldier's way.
As Soldier passed by The Hippie she put her hands on his Shoulders, Soldier reeled back and pointed his weapon at her as she brought up her face with tears swelling in her eyes.
"im,..SO, Sorry! i,...just,...just" She snived out as she lunged at Soldier. Soldier fired the Righteous Bison right through her chest.
The Hippies eyes bulged out of her skull the rolled back into their sockets, then she screamed as her legs wobbled and she fell to the ground, moaning and panting. Soldier stood over her trying to make sense of what happened. He looked at the weapon quizzically, after a few seconds of deep though, he just chalked it up to that these weapons just affected these foreigners differently. Soldier felt a twang of pity for the poor hippie writhing in agony on the floor, but she wasn't dead so Soldier walked out the front door, but a curious thing happened while on his way out, through heavy breaths and moans she breathed out,
"Thank you."
Soldier ate contently as he walked back up to the town, Soldier had a plan, He did see several Hippies capable of magic, so his plan was simple, kidnap one of these hippies and make them transport him home.
Soldier sneaked into town trying to think up ways to torture the hippie, he went from tearing up hemp bags to letting some air out of the tires of their buses so they got crappy gas mileage. then soldier noticed something
The town was completely empty of hippies, Soldier decided to capture to one in the library, so he sneaked up the the door. Soldier went to open the door, but as he reached for it the broken door knob rattled. Soldier took a step back as a disgruntled purple colored Hippie opened the door and stepped up to Soldier, Soldier whipped up his weapon only for it to fly from his hands via the Hippie's magic.
Soldier reached into his spytech bag only to reach thin air. "looking for these?" the Hippie said smugly as she held up the collection of spytech bags that once belonged to Soldier. then threw it back into her treehouse. behind her several Hippies emerged from the house. A cyan one with her jaw done up in a brace, one with a long frightening purple hair that was almost as long as her White body, which almost hid the bandages covering her belly button, and lastly a orange Hippie with her entire head covered in bandages except for her right eye, and a stetson perched atop the mass of bandages. Soldier gulped, he was surrounded and had no weapons.
"After witnessing to your crimes of violence against the ponies, I'm sorry but you will have to be destroyed, we were on to you, we knew you didn't die in the cabin, i just told the public that, gives me less of a violent image, now that you don't have any more of you "magic." The purple hippie said as her Horn started to glow, Soldier was scared, but only for second, then he realised what was about to happen.
He smiled and puffed out his chest ready for anything.
The Hippie fired two gigantic bolts of lightning from her hands and flung them towards Soldier, who just sat their with a smile as the lightning impacted his body and he fell to the ground dead.
Dead as a doornail, no pulse, no Mann.co tech to save him.
DEAD
Congratulations! your ending has reached a new level!: Truly Feared! (Edited)
(Warning, gonna change p.o.v on you to the ponies)
The group of ponies stood for a few seconds basking in the silence of the night. The the group marched over to the body of the mysterious Alien. The ponies looked down at the charred mangled remains in silence. "Woo Doggy, that she got him Twilight" Applejack said through the bandages. She looked up at twilight who had a pang of guilt on her face, Applejack proceeded to poke the body then thought out loud "Hey, you think these Aliens taste any good?"
BOOM!
The whole area around the ponies exploded with green light as a large green shadow grew from the body of the dead Alien to about 30 feet tall. "What the hey is going on Twilight!?" Applejack screamed holding down her stetson from being blown away. Twilight looked upon the large green shadow and saw it focus into the shape of the rampaging Alien. "I Don't know Applejack! we killed him and it seems he only came back stronger!" Twilight yelled in answer to Applejack.
"I am the one true enemy to Hippies!" The large shadow of the Alien boomed "For too long the people of American have fought the ways of Canada! Today is the day your legion will fall!" A large transparent hand snached Twilight up from the ground and brought it up to it's own face.
Twilight stared in Horror into the menacing irisless deep green eyes of this large powerful being. The ponies on the ground Watched in disbelief as the creatures eyes glowed with power and launched beams from each of it’s eyes that both smacked into Twilight. After the beams stopped, the Alien dropped his prey, which landed at the feet of the remaining ponies.
It was still Twilight, but things about her had changed, she was now dressed in a very long sleeveless pink blouse and skirt and sensible black slip on shoes. but the biggest change was her hair, instead of long flowing purple and violet locks. She now had a plain head full of brown locks done up in a sensible bun.
The group only had time to look up as they realised the Alien now fixed his attention on them. The twin beams hit Rainbow Dash next, When the beams ceased RD fell to the ground with her injuries healed, dressed in a simple outfit of a White Tee-Shirt, Blue jeans, And black High Tops. With her hair done up in a jet black pompadour.
Then Rarity was immediately hit, she fell to the ground with her bandages gone, Dressed in a OD green 40's era army uniform complete with ammo belt, grenade belt, Boots, and M1 Grand Battle Rifle, Her Helmet fell off in the fall revealing a short dirty blonde flat- top on her head.
Then Applejack got about a step away before she too was hit by the Giant Monster's power. She fell Dressed in a 1950's prom queen's dream, a crystal white bombshell dress with her blonde hair done in short beautiful curls with shiny white slip-ons.
(Back to Soldier's p.o.v)
With all the Hippies neutralized Soldier decided it was time to go home, Soldier used is new godlike powers to summon a portal to Cp_Foundry. It worked, But Soldier reeled back and his head started to hurt, Then he felt like her was being flushed down a toilet as he shrunk downwards losing all of his power.
Soldier awoke with a start on the ground. He sat up, he was where he was moments ago. The Hippies Still lied unconscious in front of him in much more suitable attire then before. Soldier saw the state of his own clothes, torn and burned by the past two days events, the upper part of his pants clinging on for dear life, and only his grenade belt the only thing clinging to his chest. Only his boots and Helmet Survived his stay here.
Soldier then lastly noticed the portal before him, it was made of bright, solid, and cartoony colors, colors that reminded of home. Soldier got up, Dusted himself off and with nothing stopping him walked towards the portal home.
Soldier felt ropes tighten around him, in a netlike pattern, then a snorty giggle, Soldier whipped around only to catch a fleeting glimpse of the pink and bloody bandaged face of his assailant, something hard connected with his head with such force, it knocked him out despite the fact he was wearing a helmet.
"Oh finally! i've been planning the perfect party for you! I just had to wait for the right time."
Soldier escaped, eventually. After about 6 hours in the basement of a old bakery with the scariest creature to walk this earth, it was the flat hair that he will never forget.
The events that happened as well as the events of his escape would never be known, Soldier never told a living soul.
All the rest of his team knows is that he was found sobbing in the fetal position in the Weapons Maintenance Room, Two days after he disappeared.
After three more days of sobbing his team surrounded him trying to find out why he wouldn't stop crying.
"Vell, im Stumped" Medic said. "theres nothing physically wrong with him."
"Tiny wizard baby man send Soldier to bad place" Heavy said scratching his bald head.
"He's gone bloody bonkers mate" Sniper said with concern.
It had gotten to the point where Spy started to develop sympathy for the rocket jumper. He decided to help him dry his tears, Spy pulled out his favorite handkerchief, it was his favorite because it belonged to his late dear mother. Spy brought the handkerchief to Soldier’s face, Upon seeing it Soldier yelled with absolute fear, he thrashed and kicked yelling "NO,NO! NNNNOOOO!! NO MORE!" then he went back into a ball and continued sobbing.
Confused, the rest of the team shuffled out of the room, deciding to give Soldier more time.
As Soldier cried, he remembered something that make him feel better. He reached into his bag on his grenade belt and pulled out a stick of delicious, mouth watering gum. Upon peeling back the wrapper Soldier involuntarily panicked much like he did to the Spy's handkerchief and threw it out the window.
Soldier ran through the streets of ponyville looking for a place to hide. Soldier hid behind a low wall in the center of town, He took a moment to gather himself until he heard a low deep beat the made his helmet ring and his teeth loosen from his gums. Soldier covered his ears, trying to resist the deadly weapon the Hippies had obviously planted for him. the beats continued. He couldn’t stand it, if he expected to live he would have to take out their secret weapon. Soldier pinpointed the sound to a nearby house, the lasers and and flashing lights had it obvious that the structure was some sort of military research facility. Soldier looked through the window and saw the most disgusting display imaginable. A large crowd was gathered in the house, all of them had the most disrespectful hair cuts imaginable. Hippies where drinking, and dancing to horrific noise emitting from the house. Soldier was confused on how the canadians conducted weapons research, but by the state of his ear drums. He was entirely convinced that it was working. Soldier knew that this was a key strategic target and must be taken out.
Soldier went through the front door, shotgun in hand. No one noticed him as he walked halfway through the house into the living room that was full of partying Hippies and table fulls of booze and snacks.There he saw what was making the god awful noises, twin stacks of speakers and subwoofers lined a small stage at the far side of the room. A full DJ table stood between the stacks, but is was what was behind the DJ table that truly made Soldier’s blood boil, A female Hippie stood over the sound equipment, bobbing her head to the beat. She wore big bright blue headphones and hid most of her face behind a pair of purple-bluish sunglasses, But what was worst of all, was her haircut, twin tone cyan and cobalt blue done up in spikes. Soldiers grip on his shotgun tightened so much it turned his knuckles white. His vision turned red like a bull watching a bullfighter. He sat there breathing heavily with anger when a hippie dancing to the musing bumped into him, both where stricken from each others dazes, the Hippie gave Soldier a look he didn’t like.
Soldier raised his weapon and fired, knocking the hippie to the wall where she slid to the floor and slumped over, knocked dead out. The music abruptly stopped with the sound of a record scratch. All eyes in the room met Soldier, The DJ lifted her glasses and gave a look of of contempt, She’d seen enough guys like Soldier to know exactly what he wanted.”Let me guess,..Don’t like dubstep do you?” She said lazily. Disrespect did NOT help Soldier mood, He cocked his shotgun and growled as the spent shell skittered across the floor. “Missy, Do I Look like I goose step?” Soldier growled staring daggers and the uninterested DJ. “Okay, i'm a pony pleaser, lets see how you like these Tunes”. While Soldier wonder what she meant by “tunes” Most of the Hippies in the room either Bolted or took cover. Soldier raised a eyebrow as he looked back to the DJ who had produced some sort of large barrel that was pointing directly at him. The DJ was fiddling with various instruments while the noise of something powering up filled the air. “What in the name if Gorge S. Roosevelt's beard is that?”
The DJ looked up and said “Oh its just my,...you know,...thing,....that,.. i Use,..i call it,.. peppy,....but i also,,... have been known,....to,..call,...this thing right here,.....mah,.............BASS CANNON!” The DJ slammed a red lever on the side of the device as a jet of bright blue concentrated wubs fired through the air. Soldier dived to one side missing the beam, but his ears still exploded with pain as he hit the floor. Soldier looked up completely Shell Shocked as the DJ pounded away at her console and the “bass cannon” started to changing. From the large end of the barrel, multiple barrels poked out in a round pattern. Soldier knew exactly what was happening as he got up and vaulted over a snack table, the barrels started to spin, Soldier spilled the medal table over using it as cover and fully automatic wub fire started pounding the table.
Soldier tried to think as wubs reverberated of the table deafening him, Soldier quickly dug through the Spytech bag containing numerous weapons and tools made by Mann.co, Soldier pulled out the spy’s sapper and turned it on, Soldier threw it over his shoulder and waited. A millisecond later the wubs ceased, Soldier stood up from behind the table. the “Bass Cannon” was now covered in sparks and arcs of electricity. Soldier pulled out the demoman's grenade launcher, he fired a single grenade with a satisfying “bloop!” The grenade arced through the air and collided with the “bass cannon.”
The Explosion was so loud and deadly neither Soldier, the DJ, or any of the partying hippies heard it. A bright white flash later Soldier stood their with the grenade launcher still in his hands. His face burned, full of scorches and black streaks from the explosion. the next thing he noticed was the roof was gone and the house was mostly destroyed. Soldier quietly marched up to the mangled collection of metal and sound equipment and found the DJ lying on the ground, She wasn't hurt much nor was she unconscious, she had her eyes wide open and she was paralyzed with shock and amazement. Soldier, Without a word dug through his pockets and pulled out one of the things a man should never leave home without, a battery powered shaver. Soldier bend over and cut a great deal of the DJ’s hair off. he left it short and then used a bit of wire he ripped out of the sound mixing console and wrapped her hair neatly into a respectable bun. Soldier lifted his shotgun over one Shoulder and looked down at the DJ he searched his coat once more and pulled out a bottle of Rockin RED soda and a small 45 rpm record single. Soldier went to a less destroyed part of the console where a turntable survived. Soldier lifted the record on the turntable and flicked it out a gaping hole in the wall. Soldier then put on his own record, he selected Side A . He pressed the button labed normal play, and the needle skittered to life and fell on the record. Soldier turned it to a volume that wouldn't bother anyone, Then he popped off the cap of the soda with the edge of the console and sipped the soda as he and the barely conscience DJ enjoyed some “Real” Good tunes.
I"m Sorry but this isn't a update. (NOT A NEW CHAPTER, NOTE TO MY FAVS)
I Would just like all of you who favorited this to know that I did write a sequel,....two in fact, I released the 3 of this series yesterday, why don't you go check them out?
either that or they truly did get a lot less attention than I though they would get
