Chapter 1
Applejack stared, bemused, at the alicorn princess as she stood with a grim look on her face, next to the grinning draconequus. “Can y’all run that by me again?”
Twilight Sparkle’s horn lit up as she levitated Discord’s wandering lion paw from where he’d rested it on her mane. “Discord is going to grant one wish –“
“Any wish,” Discord added. “With no traps, hitches, catches, hidden features, misinterpretations, or evasions.”
Twilight turned to glance at him, and opened her mouth to continue, but Discord interrupted her again. “Even one that’s not within my power.”
“Are you done?” Twilight snapped. “Or do you want to explain this yourself? Possibly with some sort of song and dance number?”
“Please calm down, Twilight,” Fluttershy said. She’d been teleported to the open field in the middle of feeding her chickens, and still had a bag of chicken feed strapped to her side. “I’m sure Discord didn’t mean any harm by it.”
Twilight laughed. It was not a happy laugh.
“All you have to do,” Discord said, reaching up with his eagle claw to stroke his tiny beard, “is kill Twilight Sparkle.”
“How is that not a catch?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“It’s more of a necessary precondition,” Twilight Sparkle said, scowling.
“So in other words,” Rarity said, still brushing her soaking wet mane, “you dragged us all out here for nothing. I’m sure none of us are going to sacrifice our dear friend Twilight just for some silly wish.”
“Me! Me me me!” Pinkie Pie said, bouncing up and down. The other ponies stared at her in shock. “I wish that all of us got a million billion quadrillion wishes and lived forever and ever and ever and Twilight Sparkle came back to life after we killed her. The end.”
“That, my dear, is not a wish,” Discord said, shaking his head sadly. “Not only did you wish for three separate things, but two of them were meta-wishes about the process of wishing itself. I’m afraid that sort of thing just won’t do.”
“Girls…” Twilight said, with a sigh. “I’m sorry, but you can’t make a wish that ends up with me not being dead. Like I said, it’s a necessary precondition. Specifically, it’s a necessary precondition of my wish. If I’m not dead by sundown…” she looked over at the setting sun.
“So you’re okay with this,” Rainbow Dash said. “With dying. Something you just had to wish for is soooo important that you’ll just up and abandon us, is that how it is?”
“No, I’m not okay with it!” Twilight Sparkle said, curling up and squeezing her eyes shut. “It just has to be done, okay?”
“No!” Rainbow Dash shouted. “That’s not okay! And this isn’t like you, giving up like that!”
“Well, I don’t care!” Twilight shouted. “It doesn’t matter if it’s like me or not, since there’s not going to be a me to be like anyway! Please, will one of you just get it over with!” None of the others moved. “I can’t do it myself, and Discord can’t do it either.”
“One of the Princess’s little failsafes,” Discord explained, rolling his eyes.
“If none of you will do it, we’ll have to bring in some random pony who won’t know me from Princess Platinum, and have them do it. But I’d rather…” she took a deep, shuddering breath. “I’d rather it be one of you. Especially since you can get a wish of your own out of it. One last thing I can do for my friends.” She looked up, and tried to smile, but the horrified looks on her friends faces quickly put a stop to that.
“Fine,” Applejack said. Walking slowly over to Twilight and looking down at her. Twilight gave her a short nod, and she turned to aim her bucking hooves at the alicorn’s head. “I wish I was a farmer. A real farmer, not just some pony play-acting with a bunch of fruit trees. I want a real orchard, that I take care of myself, or maybe with a few other ponies to help out. I want to be the one that feeds the whole dang town, so that nopony ever has to go hungry. Is that there a proper wish?”
Discord smiled widely, and slithered over alongside Applejack and ran one of his claws down her cheek. “Oh, it is, it is my dear Applejack. The only problem is… you already have all of that, don’t you, you silly pony?”
Applejack blinked. Her eyes swiveled up to take in the brim of her hat, and she scrunched up her nose. “Now what the hay?”
“Too bad, so sad,” Discord said, swatting the farm pony aside. He reared up and pressed his paw and claw together, grinning eagerly. “Anypony else have a wish?”
The other ponies looked at each other, until Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and spoke up.
“Rainbows,” Rainbow Dash said, flying over to get right in Discord’s face. “I want to be able to make rainbows. Not just rainbows, but clouds and lightning and giant tornadoes. Giant rainbow tornadoes. I want to be a pegasus who can control the weather and make rainbows whenever I want, and I want to fly so fast that I leave a rainbow trail wherever I go!”
“That’s an awful lot of ‘ands’,” Discord said, placing a finger on Rainbow Dash’s nose, and pushing her back, “but I suppose at its core it’s a single concept. There’s only one problem, isn’t there?”
Applejack limped back. “You already are all that, Rainbow. Why in Equestria would you go and wish for a bunch of stuff you already have?” She turned to look at Discord suspiciously. “What’s going on here, Discord?”
“Tut tut tut, losing contestants should be ejected from the scene, and not heard.” He snapped his claw, and a giant broom and dustpan appeared, sweeping up Rainbow Dash and Applejack and whisking them away. “Next?”
Rarity sighed, and got to her feet. She conjured a pair of scissors from somewhere, and separated them into a pair of razor sharp blades, one of which slid underneath Twilight Sparkle’s chin, ready to slice her throat. “Do I really have to do this?” she asked.
Twilight was frozen stiff from the feeling of sharp, cold metal pressed up against her neck. “Yes,” she said, trying to be brave. “Make your wish.”
Rarity took a deep breath. “I wish I was an elegant lady – an adult, who lived on her own and didn’t have to spend any more time studying or being bossed around by her parents. I’d have my own shop, where I’d make beautiful dresses all covered in glittering gems, that everypony would wear – I could sell them cheaply enough for ponies to buy, because of my spell for finding gems buried in every hill and field in the nation. And everypony would love me, and cry my name, when I brought out my dresses at the fashion shows…” She sighed wistfully.
She took a step back.
She dropped the scissors.
“BZZZZT,” said Discord. “What a strange happenstance. It seems that Lady Rarity has wished for something that she already had as well. It looks like none of your friends are going to be able to kill you after all, Twilight.”
“I think I see your game, Discord,” Twilight said. “Pinkie Pie! You have to wish for something blatantly untrue! Something impossible!”
“Yes, please do,” Discord said, scooping up Pinkie Pie and holding her up in front of Twilight. “I love a challenge!”
Pinkie Pie stared at nothing, all four hooves held out straight and rigid, her eyes unfocused. “I wish… I had… a cupcake?”
Twilight’s hoof smacked into her face.
“Infinity cupcakes!” Pinkie Pie quickly said, correcting herself. “And balls and eye patches and giant cannons that shot streamers and cakes and decorated a whole room in two seconds! Stashed all over Ponyville, just in case of emergency!”
Discord opened his mouth, but Pinkie Pie interrupted him. “And a pet alligator! With no teeth! And…”
Discord pinched Pinkie Pie’s mouth shut. She drooped in his grasp, and he set her down to slowly slink off on her own, defeated.
“I’m afraid that just leaves you, Fluttershy. Will you be the one to make your wish, and kill Twilight Sparkle?”
Fluttershy curled up, wings tightly folded to her sides, and made a soft squeak.
“Or will the sun set on this whole plan of hers, with nothing ventured and nothing gained. The clock is ticking!” Discord whipped out a giant cuckoo clock, which loudly ticked as its pendulum swung back and forth.
Fluttershy stayed curled up in a tight little ball, hooves over her ears, until she felt a gentle hoof stroking her back. She looked up, to see Twilight smiling down at her. “I know you have the strength,” Twilight said. “Please… do this for me.”
Fluttershy didn’t speak, but she stood up and hugged Twilight close, wrapping her forelegs around her friend’s shoulders. “Okay,” she whispered into Twilight’s ear, then shifted her grip and threw the purple alicorn to the ground, mounting her back with her rear hooves pressed against Twilight’s spine, and her forelegs in place around her neck. “I wish… that Discord… wasn’t such a BIG DUMB MEANIE!” she shouted, and with a deafening crack, broke Twilight Sparkle’s neck.
Her friend collapsed beneath her, twitching once then going limp. Twilight looked terrified and pained, her teeth gritted tightly together as her dead eyes stared at nothing. Fluttershy whimpered, and scampered back from the corpse – then squealed, and ran off.
“Tut tut tut,” said Discord, circling Twilight’s body. “I’m sorry, Fluttershy, but that was another meta-wish.” He looked down at the dead alicorn and sighed. “And I was so close. You win, Twilight Sparkle.”
And the sun set, and the moon rose, shepherded by the immortal Alicorns that watched over all of Equestria, in harmony and peace.