The Primarch of the Space Wolves had just returned from his vacation to Ponyville, a place which he now despised due to the draconian prohibition of alcohol plaguing the land. When he arrived, he quickly got into a fight with Angron, his crazy brother who sold his soul to the Blood God, Khorne (YAY KHORNE! *BLAM!* ) and ascended to a mighty Daemon Prince.
It was a grand battle, but the Wolf King was quickly pushed back due to the fight being in that wacky place called, you guessed it, the Warp! Luckily for Mr Russ, the wounds he received from his psychopath brother healed quickly, and he was now back in that one place we was in at the beginning of the last story. (YAY CONTINUITY!) The boring part of the Warp.
LEMAN....
"Huh?" asked the mighty Wolf King. "Is that you, Father?"
"NO, THIS IS NURGLE."
"......" Leman said nothing.
"OF COURSE IT'S ME YOU DOLT!"
"Oh." the wolfman replied.
"WELL, LETS GET ON WITH IT, SHALL WE?"
Leman nodded.
"IT'S THAT TIME, WHAT DID YOU CALL IT AGAIN? "
"The Wolf Time?"
"YES, THAT TIME."
"Great." Leman groaned. "So it's time to go back to Fenris, reunite with my boys, and maybe Bjorn, and get ready to kick Failbaddon's armless ass?"
"YES, BUT THAT BATTLE WOULDN'T START UNTIL ABOUT TEN YEARS ."
"What!" The Wolf King exclaimed. "Then why the frak tell me now?" Furry man was unamused.
"BECAUSE, MAH BOI, YOU HAVE A GUEST ARRIVING, AND SHE NEEDS TO BE READY. "
"Oh goody." Leman grunted. Who it's going to be?"
UHH......
ME SILLY FILLY!
"Great. It's one of them isn't it?" Leman asked.
Suddenly, his face was filled with pink. A small pink pony, with massive blue eyes, was hanging on to the Wolf King's hair.
Yuparoni pepparuni! Or is it yeparroni pepperoni? Or yaparon puparon? Or-"
Leman grabbed her snout, effectively silencing the aneurysm waiting to happen.
"Quiet." he said, letting her go. "What's your name?"
Oh! that's easy! I'm Pinkie Pie! You were dragged into my world by that meanie pants Discord! Remember?"
Leman cringed, remembering that encounter with the Lord of Change, who seemed to be infatuated with him. (Gross.)
"Yes, I remember." Said the drunken warrior. "That world sucked."
At that, the party pony's mane flattened, and her fur turned dark, tears came to her eyes, and she started to whimper.
LEMAN RUSS!
The Wolf King shuddered, he had angered the Master of Mankind after all.
APOLOGIZE TO PINKIE NOW, BOY!
"But-"
DO IT!
"Fine, I'm sorry Pinkie." The words tasted like dirt to him, and he ate dirt before. (MUD-MUNCHER! *BLAM!*)
Pinkie's mane instantly inflated, and she smiled. Then pounced on the warrior.
"Nowweareafriendsandwearen'tfightingandwearenicetoeachotherandwe-" Leman placed one of his giant sausage fingers on the mare's nose.
"Okay.... That's enough." Said the man who was raised by wild canines.
"What do I do now Father?" He asked.
"INDUCT HER INTO YOUR LEGION, MY BOY."
"Really?"
REALLY.
"Great..."
With that, The Emperor Of Mankind blasted Leman Russ and Pinkie straight to Fenris.
What appeared to be a meteor was quickly descending to the frozen grounds ahead, but unbeknownst to the warriors who dwelled within the mighty Fortress not far from this location, their Wolf King had returned, with an insane Xenos sanctioned by the Allfather himself.
Their world was going to change.
It was going to be glorious.
With a dull thud, the Space Wolves long lost Primarch and his guest had came home.
"Ooo Look at all that snow!" Before Russ could blink, Pinkie Pie had instantly conjured up some warm clothes and was making what appeared to be a snowman.
"Hee! Hee! This is fun! " Pinkie Exclaimed.
Leman drug his massive butt (THAT'S RUDE! Sorry Pinkie!) out of the crater they had made and brushed the dust off his armor.
"So," He asked. "Are you ready to go to my home?" Pinkie was bouncing up and down, like a toy Fenrisian girls played with until it was time to kill something for dinner.
SMACK! She threw a snowball into the primarch's face, and bolted, giggling all the way.
"Hey!" Leman cried. "Get back here!" He ran after the pony, knowing that if she was devoured by the local predators, he was never going to hear the end of it from his father. (YOU BET HE ISN'T.)
A loud scream rang out amongst the frosty land. Pinkie was in trouble!
"FRAK! FRAK! FRAK!" Russ swore.
"I'M COMING!" He followed the tracks the madmare left, and when he caught up to her, she was being attacked. By a pesky giant Fenrisian Wolf!
Leman drew his mighty blade, and charged. But before he colliding with the beast, a pink blur burst through the poor canine's chest, felling it instantly.
"YOU MEANIE! I'M NOT DINNER!" Roared the mare. "I'M PINKIE PIE!" She stomped on the dead wolf's head, again and again.
The Wolf King stood there, impressed with the pony's battle prowess. Something so small and seemingly harmless could do an impressive amount of damage. Blood was caked on the mare, her eyes filled with rage. Leman had to calm her down.
"That's enough Pinkie!" He ordered. "Do not let your rage consume you!" With that, she stopped her assault on the fallen beast.
"Okei doki Loki!" Pinkie said, with a grin on her face, and covered in more blood that Kharn on a good day.
The next thing to break the silence was the roar of engines, the Space Wolves had arrived to investigate the meteor!
A Thunderhawk landed not far from the Primarch and pony duo. The hatch opened, and out came an Honor guard of sorts, along with one that looked important to the Wolf King.
When they finally met face to face, the leader bowed, and introduced himself.
"Mighty Wolf King, I am Ragnar Blackmane, the man who has led your sons into combat these recent years." The astartes spoke.
"Rise my warrior, no man should bow to me." Leman said. Pinkie Pie suddenly appeared between the two.
"Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie! The EmperorsaidthatIwouldbejoiningyoutofighthosechaosbadguysandtomakeeveryonehappyandgiveeveryonecakeandfunandstuffwandwhatyourfavoritekindofcake-" Ragnar had his axe at Pinkie's throat.
"Silence Xenos!" He commanded. "Save your breath, for it might be the last you ever draw!"
Suddenly, a torrent of golden flame incinerated his armor, leaving him in the nude.
One of the Honor guard fell on his ass, laughing like a hyena. Then everyone laughed. Poor Ragnar got schooled by the Allfather, and right in front of his Primarch! He was as red as a baboon's buttocks.
He ran straight into the Thunderhawk, his hairy bottom scarring all of those under his command.
The Mighty Primarch spoke up. "He'll be fine, but yes, I am Leman Russ, and this crazy xenos" He pointed to Pinkie who was bouncing around one of the Guards, mouth running a mile a minute. "Is Pinkie Pie."
"She is going to be one of us." Russ proclaimed, grimacing. "And if you have a problem with that, I promise you that your fate would be worse than being exposed in public."
"Now let's get inside and have a party!" He bellowed. "WE'RE ALL GETTING DRUNK!"
The greatest party of all time was in full swing. (It made any Slaaneshi party suck!) The Space Wolves had finally reuniting with their Primarch! Again. And the xenos he had brought with wasn't that bad. The wolf obsessed drunks were singing and fighting, the chanting of "Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!" filling the air.
Leman Russ was not amused by that. When he left it seemed his legion had turned into a group of warriors willing to do that with wild canines. He would NOT stand for that. Not at all. But he knew that it would take time to break that fetish implanted by Slaanesh. Maybe Pinkie could help cleanse the wayward brothers? But first, Leman had to go with some priests to wake up an old friend.
Needless to say, that old "friend" was going to be PISSED. Leman never really got along with him, not since that incident which earned that sap his infamous nickname. The Wolf King chuckled. Those were good times. The priests were annoying as hell though. They were the type that would grovel like little babies whenever he said something even remotely important.
"I really need to get these warriors up to par again." He thought.
Not long after, they had arrived to an dusty old tomb of sorts. This was were Bjorn the Fell Handed, the oldest Space Marine alive, was placed in stasis. Only once every 100 years he awoke to tell the stories of Leman Russ and the Emperor. He met both of them after all. The old man was trying to sleep, his massive sarcophagus barely blocked any annoyances. It was that time of the century again. Damnit.
Why did they have to take him back from the Blood Ravens? Bjorn groaned. That was the greatest thing to ever happen to him, along with Russ leaving of course.
Fucking whelps wanting to hear the stories of "Mighty Bjorn the Fell Handed." He hated that nickname, almost as much as he hated the man who gave it to him. Which to his surprise seemed to be that very room.
Fuck.
The priests were chanting in Fenrisian, the guttural language suited for those with excess phlegm filling the air. Servos hissed, and the massive machine stirred.
Time for the act. Even though that bastard's here.
"WHO AWAKENS BJORN?" He spoke through the ancient vox casters. Along with that butthole Leman Russ, there was three of little wolf obsessed jackasses. He felt the urge to crush the pube-faced bungholes. But suddenly, his vision was filled with pink. Pink? The hell? Maybe I AM going senile.
"Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie!" The pink blob was actually a pony. A xenos pony. He didn't like Xenos.
How did she get here? Thought the old fuck. (I should kill you for saying that.) Sorry! Then that bastard Russ waved at him.
"How's it going, Fell Handed?" Leman chuckled. He always got a kick out of fucking with Bjorn. Bjorn would have none of his shit today. Just woke up and he was already ready to pop one of his remaining blood vessels.
"FINE UNTIL YOU CAME HERE, YOU LITTLE FUCKING ASSHAT." Bjorn bellowed. " EVER SINCE YOU DECIDED TO GO PLAY "HIDE AND GO FUCK YOURSELF", THE YOUNGBLOODS BECAME WOLF FUCKING FREAKS."
Leman facepalmed. He had to do something about that.
"I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY DIPSHIT."
Pinkie started laughing, the noise of the pink monstrosity chuckles filled Bjorn with more piss and vinegar.
"AND ANOTHER THING." The dreadnought spoke. "WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A TALKING PONY WITH YOU?"
"Oh." The Wolf King replied. "This is Pinkie. Pinkie, as you probably already know, this tin can has my old friend Bjorn "the Fell Handed" rotting inside."
The ancient dreadnaught spun his lightning claw.
"He mad Pinkie." Leman taunted. The party pony poked him in the face.
"That's not very nice Russie." She spoke. Russ facepalmed again. Bjorn chuckled, scaring the shit out of the already confused priests in the room.
"Russie?" Thought Bjorn. "This is perfect."
The mighty dreadnought stood there has Pinkie and Russ began to argue. While they were fighting like a pair of Terran School girls, Bjorn told the priests to buzz off, to which the little furries whimpered and ran off.
"Wimps." He thought.
"ARE YOU TWO DONE YET?" He asked his Primarch and the pony.
"Yup yup yup!" Pinkie replied. "Right Russie?" She asked the drunken viking warlord. (IN SPACE!)
"YEAH, RUSSIE?" Bjorn repeated. Leman growled. He nodded in defeat. He felt hungover already and he hadn't even drank yet.
"Okie dokie loki!" Pinkie said.
"Let's go Bear!" She spoke, bouncing off to the party.
"How?" Bjorn inquired.
"Silly! I read the script!"
Leman facepalmed again, and Pinkie started to sing.
"Every party needs a pooper," She sang. Leman's blood started to boil.
"That's why they invited you!" His eyes began to twitch.
"PARTY POOPER! PARTY POOPER!" The madmare suddenly bolted, laughing all the way. Leman roared and gave chase.
Bjorn was confused, but he shrugged and followed the numbskulls. He knew that something awesome was going to happen.
The Space Wolves were assembled, waiting for the commands of their long-lost Primarch. They waited for about thirty minutes, when the massive oaken doors of the Great Hall burst, and a pink blur, their Primarch, and Bjorn the Fell Handed shot out like a cluster of missiles. Splinters of wood was flung everywhere, along with Space Wolves who were unfortunate enough to be too close to the doors.
One of the poor Marines, a Blood Claw, the youngest of the mighty warriors of Fenris, had a fist sized chunk of wood lodged in his right eye.
"Oh man!" exclaimed one of the other Youngbloods. "He's going to have a fucking sweet scar."
While the Astartes were all whispering to each other, Bjorn had caught Russ and Pinkie Pie.
"ALRIGHT YOU TWO FUCKWITS." he said "IT'S TIME TO CALM DOWN."
Pinkie giggled, and Bjorn spun the claw she was holding on to. Leman was dropped like a ton of bricks, his armor dented the floors of the Space Wolve's Meeting Chamber. The Wolf King crawled out of the small crater his heavy butt made, and dusted off the chunks of wood and dirt coated on his armor.
"WHEEE!" the party pony exclaimed. "This is so much FUN!" Leman Russ facepalmed for the upteenth time today.
"WELL?" Asked Bjorn. "ARE YOU GOING TO SPEAK TO THOSE FURRY BASTARDS YOU CALL SPACE WOLVES?"
"Can it Fell Handed." Leman retorted. Pinkie jumped into his face and frowned. The Dreadnought was happy as well, but he held his ancient tongue.
"Be nice Russie!" She ordered. "You have to rally your men silly filly!" She pointed a hoof towards the increasingly confused legion. "These wild fighters need to hear what their grumpy pants papa has to say!" Pinkie smiled, and then began to laugh.
Leman was pissed. He was getting ordered around by a damned Xenos! He was about to say something rude when he was interrupted by a familiar voice.
DAMN IT LEMAN! It was his father again.
YOU BETTER STOP BEING A RETARD AND SPEAK TO YOUR MEN, OR I'LL TURN YOU INTO A LITTLE GIRL AND SELL YOU TO A SLAANESHI SLAVE RING!
Russ cringed. He did NOT want to be a slave owned by those freaks. With a groan, he began to address the bored men gathered in the hall.
"Warriors of Fenris!" He spoke. "Space Marines!" The men were silent, but their attention was towards him
"Today after nearly ten thousand years I have returned, and now we must prepare for the final battle!"
The Astartes cheered. Pinkie pulled out a cannon out of nowhere and fired it, confetti and party streamers flew everywhere.
"The xenos who fired the strange cannon, Pinkie Pie!" She waved. "My father has asked me to induct her into the Legion."
Some of the Wolves began to murmur, and one of them spoke up. Ragnar.
"My lord!" he spoke. "You are seriously allowing a filthy xenos to join the mighty Space Wolves?" Asked the interium leader of the Space Marines. Some of the other Wolves began to voice their concerns. Soon the entire hall was filled with shouting.
"Shit." Leman thought. "This is NOT good. I better stop this."
"ENOUGH!" He roared. "You dare question orders that I received from the Emperor himself?!" Ragnar smirked.
"Brothers! This man is an impostor!" He taunted. "The real Leman Russ would never allow a Xenos to join us!"
The roar of an autocannon filled the room. Ragnar was turned into Swedesian* cheese. His ruined corpse fell upon the floor.
"CAN WE NOT?" Bjorn asked. "I KNEW THE REAL LEMAN RUSS, AND THIS ANNOYING BASTARD IS TRULY HIM."
"Thanks Bjorn." Leman spoke.
"SHUT UP ASSHOLE." He retorted. "NOW, CAN WE INITIATE THE PONY AND GET ON WITH OUR LIVES?" Bjorn revved the Autocannon again.
"Of Course. Pinkie, can you come here?" Leman asked. The party pony's mane puffed up, and she stood right in front of him, a huge grin plastered on her face.
"I seen this pony kill a Fenrisian wolf with nothing but her hooves." Leman spoke to his men.
"WOLF!" replied the warriors. Leman facepalmed again. He continued.
"She is truly worthy of our martial prowess!" The king howled, and the Wolves, along with Pinkie, howled with him.
"Wolf Priests!" Ordered their Primarch.
The priests walked towards him. "Let us begin the tests."
The high pitched laughter of Pinkie Pie interrupted him. She had a strange looked cupcake in her hoof. With a smile, she devoured the treat. The pony started to twitch, her eyes turned wolflike yet were still the sapphire blue they always were. Fangs grew from her mouth, and her coat became rough. Pinkie Pie grew in size, easily the size of an guardsman. After the transformation, the pony howled.
"THE FUCK WAS THAT?" Bjorn asked. The dreadnought stood there frozen.
Leman was speechless, along with the rest of the Space Wolves.
"Wolf!" except that retarded Youngblood.
"Silly!" Pinkie spoke. "That was your Geneseed!" The massive pony belched, the acidic saliva of all Astartes splattered all over the floor. "That was cool!" She said.
"How?" Leman Inquired. "How did you-" Pinkie poked him.
"The Emperor gave me that before I left! He made it so that it'll work for me!" The pony jumped.
The forces of Khorne were having a party. Complete with fighting, blood, beer, waffles, and Slaaneshi whores to murder in increasingly creative ways.
It was an average Friday in the place ran by the "Krazy Khornate.". The screams of psychos bound to the Dark Gods and the roar of chain axes filled the tainted air.
Rocking out on the dance floor, surrounded by the corpses of friend and foe alike, was Kharn the Betrayer.
Also known as the swellest guy to ever sell his disturbed soul to the blood god. He was swinging his massive instrument around (by instrument I mean chain axe, sickos) cutting down random dancers and unlucky cultists too close to him.
"YEAAAAH!" The psycho yelled. He pointed his axe at the daemon working the counter. "BARTENDER, GIVE EVERYONE FREE BEER OR I'LL FUCKING GUT YOU!"
After pissing himself, the lesser daemon of Khorne complied. Then the Blood God made his head explode for Cowardice.
(Sounds familiar?)
The blood-crazed berserkers cheered. Free beer was always a good thing after all.
KHARN! Spoke a voice that made lesser beings soil themselves and Tau to commit Seppuku. The voice of Khorne himself.
"WHAT DO YOU FUCKING WANT?!" Kharn roared in reply. (You have to speak to Khorne this way or he'll gut you for being a pansy)
THE EMPEROR GOT A PONY.
"SO FUCKING WHAT?" Spoke Khorne's chosen. The excessive rage is in voice caused the Slaaneshi slaves in the room to spontaneously burst into flames like a Great Unclean One near a match.
(All that stench is quite flammable after all.)
GO KILL IT.
The Betrayer shrugged. While everyone ran for cover of course.
"YOU GOT IT." The betrayer walked towards the counter, and killed a berserker sitting on one of the stools. After throwing the corpse of it, he sat where it was.
"BUT FIRST," Spoke the madman after grabbing a bottle of scotch off of the shelf. "I MUST DRINK."
"Last night, we received an emergency transmission from the planet Toke IV.XX, a Hive world known to be a popular stop for the Salamanders before they wipe out yet another planet's supply of watermelon and fried chicken." (HOORAY FOR RACIAL STEREOTYPES!)
The Wolf King snickered at this, earning a glare from Pinkie Pie, who was bouncing around in her new power armor by the way. Bjorn groaned from outside, being too fat (I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP.) I mean, large to fit in the room.
"So, we're sending half of the 5th company, Honorable Bjorn the Fell-Handed, the new xenos member known as Pinkie Pie, and two of our best younger dreadnaughts, Murderfang, and the venerable Robingar Williamsorg.
At the mention of Murderfang's name, Bjorn groaned from outside the room. The wolf king smirked. And Pinkie cheered. She really didn't care who she fought alongside. (Of course not silly! Violence is fun in this universe!)
"MURDERFANG? ARE YOU SERIOUS?" Bjorn asked. "REMEMBER THE LAST TIME WE TOOK HIM TO A HIVE WORLD?"
The hive world of Septimus never recovered from the last visit of Murderfang, fell to Chaos as a result, and got blammed (i.e. Exterminatus) by the Inquisition.
Man fuck the Inquisition. (Fuck you too. Watch out for that Eversor.)
Anyway, Bjorn was not happy. Again. Russ, sensing an opportunity to fuck with that Fell-Handed dude, spoke up.
"Murderfang huh?" said the wolf king with a shit-eating grin. "Sounds like a swell guy." Pinkie popped up on his shoulder.
"I dunno Russie, his name sounds really unoriginal, like a chimp came up with it. He also sounds loco in the coco. Like Bjorn gets if you mess with him too much." The mare spoke.
"I don't care Pinkie." Russ said. "As long as he can get the job done, he's fine by me."
Bjorn stomped.
"THAT'S THE THING MONGOLOID. (The White Scars resent that comment!) (WHO CARES) "MURDERFANG IS NOTHING BUT TROUBLE. LIKE THAT SLED THING GRIMNAR-WHAT'S-HIS-FACE USED TO RIDE BEFORE THE "ACCIDENT".
(It was in fact not an accident. Bjorn flipped the sled during a battle with necrons. It didn't end well for Grimnar.)
"Can it tin-can." Leman snapped. "I'm the Primarch, what I say goes."
FINE THEN GROX-SHIT FOR BRAINS. WE'LL DO IT YOUR WAY." Pinkie bounced in front of them.
"Now that we're done pretend fighting and not actually getting anything done can we go now?!" Pinkie's mane was deflated, and the look in her eyes hungered for blood.
"WHAT THE FUCK?" Bjorn asked. The group went to wake up the other dreadnaughts not long after.
The Fang
Dreadnaught holding place
The wolf priests ran around, doing the rites of awakening and shit.
"Arise Murderfang! Arise and prepare for battle!" Spoke the head priest, a somewhat deranged member of the chapter. ("Silly! Who isn't deranged and a member of the Space Wolves?" Heh good point Pinkie. Now get back in the story. "Okay!" )
Fog filled the room, and the sound of ancient gears grinding and various other machinery filled the air.
The sarcophagus of one the most dangerous Space Wolves ever was awakened within a tough exterior.
"HEY HEY EVERYONE! WHO'S READY TO MURDER MURDER MURDER!" Spoke the dreadnaught, he was armed with two massive lightning claws, and an eternal thirst for killing.
"I am!" Pinkie replied. Her mane was still straightened, and her fur seemed to be a duller color. She ran off to the armory.
"IS IT JUST ME, OR IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE PINK PONY?" Asked Bjorn to Russ.
